(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
What is Mr. Pookie doing out here?
(SCREAMS)
Ren, what are you doing up there?
Two words: Louis Stevens!
Okay, calm down, Ren, let's not
automatically assume that Louis built this
rather ingenious contraption.
What's that?
"Louis' Homemade Jungle Traps."
Need more proof?
No. I think we've found our culprit.
Daddy, I know that sending Louis to military school
seems just a little bit harsh,
but tough love is our only alternative.
Louis is not going to military school.
It's too expensive.
Well, I am sick of his dirty tricks
and I am going to get him back if it's the last thing I do.
Ren, please, calm down. I'm the father, let me handle this.
Whoa!
Whoa.
Ren!
You go, girl!
Help!
(BELL RINGING)
LOUIS: So, my dad says I have too much time on my hands
and I've got to start using it for good instead of evil.
So, he's making me start doing an after-school activity.
Like what?
I don't know, sports. Football, maybe.
Dude, you're too small. What if you did, like, swimming?
No. I've seen Louis swim.
He has to wear arm floaties in the shallow end.
- I know how to swim. - What about cross country?
No, he gets cramped up and winded just from tying his shoes.
Hey, what if you did hockey?
Guys, there's helping and then there's hurting.
- Sorry. - Sorry.
- (SLURPING) - LOUIS: Is that Coach Tugnut?
Sir, I was wondering, could you put me on a sports team or something?
Any team is fine.
Oh, sir...
What do you weigh, Stevens? About 104, 105?
Uh, uh, uh, that's a personal question, Coach.
We need somebody in that weight class.
Congratulations, Stevens.
You just made the wrestling team.
I did?
(CHUCKLING)
Uh, Coach, I can't wrestle. I'm already on the basketball team.
I know.
I just haven't seen you in a while. Thought I'd lift you up.
That was interesting.
STEVE: Hey, Ren.
Check out all these old photos I found in the basement.
Oh, cool.
- No! Dad! Oh! - What?
Please don't sit there.
- Why? - It's rigged for Louis.
Very good. Rigged for Louis. I like that.
Oh, who is this strange person?
Oh, that's when I was in college.
Everyone in my fraternity had to try and break a world record.
I attempted the record for continuous teeth brushing.
Daddy, you and Mom did a bunch of things before we were born
that you don't ever have to talk about, okay?
Yeah, okay. Ah, there's old Lou. Never the shy one.
And he still watches TV that way.
(CHUCKLES) He does.
- It's very disturbing. - It is.
So, where is Louis?
It's his first day of wrestling practice.
Yeah, if he's anything like his old man, he's gonna be a good grappler.
I ever tell you I took third place in the city championships?
Many times, Dad.
- Did I? - Mm-hmm.
- What's up, guys? - Hey, Donnie. How are you?
- Oh, old photos. - Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) Who's the dork with the toothbrush?
(SCREAMS)
Ooh.
I got to lay off the desserts.
But before we get to those fingertip push-ups with a partner on your back,
let me introduce the newest member of our team, Louis Stevens.
Stevens, you might want to lose
- the gardening gloves. - Oh.
Okay, let's get started.
LOUIS: Sir, sir, um,
if you don't mind, I'd like to say something, okay?
- No. - Thank you.
Now, I'd just like to say, first off,
what an honor it is to be on the wrestling team
and that although I've never gotten hit in the back of the head
with a folding chair, I'll try to make it look "as real as possible."
- Stevens... - LOUIS: And I'd like to
run a few wrestling names for myself by you.
I've narrowed it down to "Luscious Lou" and "Texas Joe Hot Dog."
How about this one? "The Kid Who Chaps My Rear End."
I don't know, Coach, it doesn't really sing.
You got something else?
Sit down, Stevens. This isn't pro wrestling.
You pull that stuff on the mat,
you'll be disqualified so fast your nose strip will spin.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(FAINT WHISTLE BLOW)
Ooh.
Look, the coach is shaving his legs.
Okay, Stevens, you pinned him. Now, let him up.
- I did? - Yeah.
Cool. Come on, bro. You're a good kid.
Hit the showers, huh?
Good technique, Stevens.
Kind of reminds me of your brother, Donnie.
He had that warrior spirit, too.
Warrior spirit, huh?
- Mm. - I feel it.
Well, save that spirit for Friday
for our match against Lane Junior High.
They got a kid in your weight class who's pretty good...
- Nagurski. - Please.
(CHUCKLES) My money's on you.
(GROWLING)
I'm a quiet snake. I'm a quiet snake.
I just come up, I go... (HISSES) And then they're on the floor.
See, Nagurski, he... He... He can't mess with me.
Look at these pipes.
He's just going to go down. He's just going to fall on the floor.
Hey. You guys on the wrestling team?
Yeah. Louis Stevens, Olympic hopeful.
Mimi Nagurski, destroyer of dreams.
Nagurski?
I like to meet my competition before I beat them.
You're... You're a girl... and I'm... wrestle with...
Good grammar.
Well, see you tomorrow. Get a good night's sleep.
You're going to need it.
Can you imagine losing to a girl? (LAUGHS)
This isn't good.
Not good.
So, what do you think, man? You think I should wrestle her or...
You know what a win-win situation is, right?
Yeah.
Okay, well, this is just like that, you know, except it's lose-lose.
That's great.
Well, see, Lou, the way I look at it is if you beat her, so what?
Everybody's going to laugh at you anyways.
And then if you lose...
you might as well dig a hole to the center of the Earth...
unless there's girls there
and then they'll probably want to beat the snot out of you, too.
You remember my whole speech about helping and hurting?
- Oh, yeah, hurting. - Yeah, hurting.
Hurting. Sorry.
Here, help me with this.
So, are you going to quit the team?
LOUIS: I don't know.
No. I love it, so... So I'm not going to.
I've been working out really hard, and I like the sport.
Plus, my dad's really into me being on the team, so...
STEVE: Hey, boys!
(CHUCKLES)
Look what I found down in the basement.
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
Yeah, yeah, was there a bathrobe in there, too, huh?
I am so proud of you, son.
- Working so hard, making the team. - Yeah.
I thought you might want to go over some moves
with your old man before dinner, huh?
- Oh, okay. Moves. - Watch this.
Escape, one point.
That's great, Dad.
Yeah.
TWITTY: What time you gotta wrestle tomorrow?
3:30.
I'll see you there an hour early.
Why?
Oh, just I figure that
when everyone in school finds out about this,
it'll probably be standing room only.
- That was hurting again, wasn't it? - It was hurting. Yes, it was.
Hurt... Sorry.
- All right, see you later. - Later, bro.
(COUGHS)
"Hot tasty brownies. Stay away, Louis."
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Good plan.
Boy, did you see the number
Louis and Dad had done on that Buddha lamp?
Hey! Brownies.
Oh, no, Donnie, don't...
(SPITTING)
What is going on around here?
The other day I fell through a chair.
Yesterday I walk into Louis's room
and a bag of water hits me in the face
and then ten minutes ago, I sit on the can
and there's maple syrup on the seat.
If I didn't know any better,
I would think someone is out to get me, Ren.
No, somebody is out to get Louis.
Aw, man, him, too?
Ren, you'd better watch out. You might be next.
Donnie, it's me. I have been doing all of those things.
And this is all your fault!
All I have been trying to is get you back
for all those mean jokes that you play on me,
but I cannot keep up and I just give up.
You're an evil genius.
Thank you.
(HUFFING)
Hey, bro, you've got schmutz on your face.
- Thanks. - Yep.
Hey, uh, little man, you don't want to eat that.
How come?
You're in training, Louis.
Do you know how many fat calories are in one fudge bar?
Um...
No. There's freezer junk all over the label.
Well, trust me, there's tons.
I mean, Louis, come on. You're on the wrestling team now.
You got to be careful about what you eat.
Otherwise you might jump up to the next weight class.
So what?
I won't have to wrestle the person I'm wrestling.
I've got 20 hours to gain nine pounds.
They're no good.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Pour it all over.
(SLURPS)
- Stop, bro. - TWITTY: Here.
Hey, Louis.
(GASPS)
How you doing, man? You've been eating all night.
You know, Twitty...
I don't feel any heavier, man.
- Uh, Louis... - LOUIS: What's wrong?
I, uh, think it all went to your, uh... right... in... here.
LOUIS: What? What are you talking about?
This... This area.
(SCREAMS)
(GASPS)
Oh!
(FARTING)
(LOUIS GRUNTING)
- LOUIS: Whoa! - (KNOCKS)
Come on, Louis, you've been in there for an hour.
What are you doing?
- LOUIS: You don't want to know. - (POPPING NOISES)
Better use the bathroom over at the gas station.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
(COUGHS)
Must have gained a little weight, Coach.
Wait a minute.
Oh.
Stevens, you have two frying pans around your neck.
I do?
One-hundred-five pounds on the button.
Nice work, Stevens. You must be eating sensibly.
(BELCHES)
And you're a class act, too.
Next.
(CHUCKLES) Looks like your top fighter's getting a little beefy.
A hundred and twenty-three pounds! (CHUCKLES)
Th... This can't be.
Oh, thought I saw a bug.
One-hundred-five.
You know, I was just going to beat you,
but because of that little prank, I'm going to make you cry.
Oh, no.
It could happen.
(CHEERING)
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Come on, let's shake.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(APPLAUSE)
Woo!
Yeah!
Next up, Mimi Nagurski versus Louis Stevens.
Does Louis know he's wrestling a girl?
I'm pretty sure he knows.
Well, it doesn't matter who he's wrestling.
Louis is going to make us proud.
Last call for Louis Stevens.
Where is Louis?
(GROWLING)
Hello, Sacramento!
I'm Luscious Lou.
I love you.
(LAUGHTER IN THE AUDIENCE)
I'm Luscious Lou and I love you, sir.
Yes, yes, there is love in my heart.
Proud now, Dad?
What's he doing?
LOUIS: I have enough love for everyone. There's no hate, no hate.
There's no hate, just love.
That's all. That's... That's all I can give.
Now, I terminated The Exterminator.
I put Handsome Steve Fox in an ugly box.
That rhymed.
This is my fault.
At least when he was building traps he was doing it in private.
Prediction:
You're going down, missy, because I am Luscious Lou.
That's who I am. I'm Luscious Lou.
Luscious Lou! Luscious Lou! Luscious Lou!
- (LAUGHING) - Just knock it off.
I told you that stuff was going to get you disqualified.
See, that's what he's trying to do.
You're pathetic.
What?
- (MICROPHONE SQUEAKS) - Oh, no.
What... What'd you say?
I know your type.
You don't have the guts to give me a fair fight
'cause you're afraid what your friends will think if you lose to a girl.
- (CHUCKLES) - What a weenie.
A weenie, huh? Hey, Nagurski...
let's dance.
You got it.
Go, Louis!
Attaboy!
Shake hands.
Stevens, you might want to lose the belt.
Oh, right.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Come on, son, take him down!
Her down!
Boy, girl, it doesn't matter. Take that person down!
Yeah, you go, brother!
An... And go, sister!
I don't know who to root for.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
Come on, Lou!
Attaboy!
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(CHEERING)
Ten seconds.
One, two, three.
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(CHEERING)
Louis!
Good going, boy!
And the winner, Louis Stevens!
(APPLAUSE)
Way to go, Louis. You'll get him next time, Mimi.
There's some complex issues here.
Now you can face your friends 'cause you didn't lose to a girl.
Girl? You're not a girl.
I mean, you are a girl, but you're like Xena.
Uh... you're... You're a great wrestler.
Thanks. You, too.
- (GROANS) - Well, Louis...
Are you okay? Do you need help standing up?
No, I'm... I'm fine.
I'm going to sit here and reflect on the match,
'cause I'm a reflective guy at heart, you know.
Great job, both of you.
Hey, how about we go get some ice cream?
- You wanna come along, Mimi? - Thanks. I'll go change.
Good.
Hey, hit the showers, son. We'll see you in the car.
(GROANS)
Nice match, Stevens.
You think so? Thank you, sir.
You, uh... need a lift?
Yup.
You're a gracious soul.
(LOUIS GROANING)
Hey, you... You lost a little weight there, Stevens.
LOUIS: Ow.
Hey, Ren.
- Oh, hey. - Big news day?
Yeah. And actually I've been waiting for you.
- You made the front page. - No way.
Because of my big wrestling victory?
I think it's a pretty good picture of you.
Aw, geez!
(LAUGHS)
Gotcha!
Nobody saw your naked little buttocks.
I remember you saying you weren't going to get me back.
Oh, well, uh, who is the evil genius now?
(GASPS)
What? Who? (LAUGHING WICKEDLY)
I'm sorry. You can have your papers back.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)