(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
(RUSTLING)
(SCREAMS)
LOUIS: Hey, Ren, did you know there's a crawl space up here
that's perfect for Mom and Dad
to hide the Hanukkah presents?
Give it up, Louis. You are never going to find them.
(GRUNTS)
You want to bet?
Do you want to bet?
See, look, this is how I see it.
We get one gift for each night of Hanukkah.
There are three of us, and eight nights.
So that makes...
Who cares? It doesn't matter.
I don't do math on Hanukkah.
If we just constantly search the house, you know,
so I think if we just... Oh! My bed!
Ow! I'm sorry. Oh!
- My soda! - I'll clean it up.
- My books! - Ow!
My board!
Me, me, me.
That's all I ever get from you.
You are so toast!
Hey, Louis, check it out, man.
I finally got my MVP trophy.
That's cool.
- It's payback time, you airhead! - (LOUIS SCREAMS)
Hey! Trophies!
(DONNIE SCREAMS)
My... trophies.
Way to go, Ren.
Presents.
They got to be here somewhere.
(ELECTRONIC VOICE) Last year's hideout.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, right.
Wait a second.
That's the one place they know I'd never look.
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)
(SLOT MACHINE COINS CLANKING)
(INHALING)
Mom, you haven't told us the story of Hanukkah
- since we were little kids. - Well...
a long time ago your ancient ancestors...
from my side of the family...
were being persecuted
by a group of oppressors who were trying
to get the Jewish people to give up their religious beliefs.
But a small army called the Maccabees,
decided to fight back.
Louis should really be here. He loves this story.
He's probably trying to find the gifts.
Well, don't worry. He's not gonna find them this year.
So, the Maccabees finally drove the oppressors out of Israel
and reclaimed their temple.
EILEEN: Once inside, they lit the oil lamp
which was never to be extinguished.
But there was a problem.
They only had enough oil for one day.
Somehow, the oil lamp stayed lit
for eight days and eight nights.
Which is why now we light eight candles for Hanukkah.
It truly was... A miracle.
I got everything I wanted.
STEVE: Hey, Lou, are you up there?
Come in.
Lou, where were you?
You missed the story of Hanukkah.
Oh, well, my stomach's feeling a little queasy.
Thanks for stopping by.
Are you sure? You want something to settle your stomach?
I'm very settled. Very, completely...
- (RIPPING) - very settled.
Thanks for stopping by, though.
- (RIPPING) - No!
I thought you wanted me to leave.
(RUMBLING AND CRASHING)
What was that?
Uh... more settling?
REN: There's a pile of smashed stuff outside!
EILEEN: Oh, no! He found the presents!
Louis Anthony Stevens...
why did you throw the Hanukkah presents out the window?
Uh... STEVE: Oh, no!
DONNIE: Man!
Hey, it's not my fault we live in a two-story house.
I have always said that I like ranch style, right, Donnie?
Cut it out, Louis!
You been trying to sneak a peek at those gifts all week.
REN: I don't get it. I'm a good person, respect my family,
and I call my grandparents once a week.
What did I do to deserve a brother like him?
Is this going to happen again next week
when my cousins are here to celebrate Christmas with us?
Well, see, that depends. Are they going to bring presents?
(GASPS)
Just trying to lighten the moment.
Guys, look, look, I got a little crazy
so I opened the presents.
Come on, guys, seriously, I just tried...
Louis! Enough!
You are grounded for Hanukkah.
REN: What did I do to deserve a brother like you?
LOUIS: (ECHOING) I don't know! Louis!
DONNIE: (ECHOING) My trophies!
EILEEN: (ECHOING) You are grounded for Hanukkah.
You are grounded. You are grounded...
LOUIS: Who cares?
I don't belong down there anyway.
I don't belong in this family.
It would be better if I was never born.
(WIND BLOWING)
(YELLING)
(SCREAMS)
So, the world really is flat.
What are you doing here?
That's the way you speak to your Bubbie Rose?
My booby what?
Your Bubbie Rose.
I am your great-great- great-great-grandmother.
- Oh, that's great. - Mm.
That's a lie, also.
Because, if that was the truth, you would be a ghost
and you don't look like a ghost. Sorry.
Better I should put a sheet over my head
and go, "Boo"?
Yeah, that might help.
- Boo! - (SCREAMS)
(LAUGHING)
Relax, relax.
I'm only here to make sure that you have a nice holiday.
Well, uh... you're too late, see?
'Cause I already single-handedly ruined Hanukkah.
Listen to the ego in that boy.
Hm!
Our family has been celebrating Hanukkah
for 2,100 years.
LOUIS: Right.
You think, because you broke a few gifts...
- (LAUGHING) - It's...
You think a few broken gifts are going to ruin the holiday?
Wait. Wait. How did you know about that?
Oh, I know everything.
What? I been around the block a few times.
Well... well, then do you know what it's like
to have a brother and sister
who are always perfect all the time, hmm?
And do you know what it's like
to have 7,000 grandchildren...
and not one of them calls?
Come on.
We're gonna take a little ride.
No, I can't. I thought you knew everything.
I'm grounded, you remember?
This is not exactly a ride on the ground.
Here. Put this on.
I don't want you should catch pneumonia.
Okay.
I may be a ghost but I am still your bubbie.
Yes, I know.
LOUIS: (SCREAMS) We're flying!
ROSE: Oh, don't talk so much.
You'll get bugs in your teeth.
LOUIS: Right... so, uh... where we going?
ROSE: Where we going? We're going out for a Danish.
Don't worry where we're going.
Enjoy the view.
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
Who puts a gnome on a lawn?
(BOTH GROANING)
Wait, wait, wait. Here, wait, wait.
No, I'm fine.
Stop with the brushing.
Yeah, we're at my house.
Well, yes and no.
Remember you said you didn't want to be a member of this family?
I'm going to show you what it was like
if you was never born.
Louis, take a look.
Uncle Leo sent you some Hanukkah cash.
REN: Oh!
LOUIS: I... I'm grounded...
I just remembered... so I better get in, okay?
No, no, no, no.
How could you be grounded if you were never born?
Oh, I was never born, huh?
Then could I do this?
That didn't hurt.
But that hurt.
Yeah, I'm definitely born.
It was... it was lots of fun. Thank you.
Louis, they can't see you. They can't hear you.
Whatever you say.
Give my regards to Casper, okay? Stay.
ROSE. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Honey, I'll put this gift money in the hall tray,
- and we'll give it out after dinner. - Guys,
I know I'm still grounded and everything
but, uh, I just had the weirdest thing happen to me.
Son!
EILEEN: You're back!
Who's that?
Well, you were never born.
So, your parents went and they had someone else.
So, Curtis, what did Principal Wexler say?
Well, he said because of my perfect grades
and record-breaking athletic performances
that the school board has voted me...
Best All-Around Student of All Time!
(GASPING)
STEVE: Did you hear that, kids?
Your little brother is a superstar!
This is the proudest day of my life.
CURTIS: Well, I only wish I could do more for you guys.
Ow!
Can you stop with these landings?
I'm sorry.
I don't know, ever since I put on that last 20 pounds...
Whatever you say.
(SIGHS)
Look at them.
Please, just look at them.
This whole trip is great, you know?
'Cause now I know what it would be like
if my family never had me.
They'd be a hundred times better.
Thank you, booby!
It's bubbie.
Whatever.
(SIGHS)
This has not been my best magical journey.
Hey, Mom, Dad I'm gonna be up in my room studying
and don't come in.
LOUIS: I just wanted to say something about...
- REN: If anyone cares. - Um, I'm really sorry.
Ren, I have to talk to you.
Ren, can you please... just a second, Ren.
- (ROCK AND ROLL PLAYING) - (SCOFFS)
Can I just... Can I just talk to you
about the whole present thing, Ren?
Ren, come on, I'm trying to talk to you.
Who's the airhead now, huh?
(MOTORBIKE REVVING)
Okay, well... I'm going to say it, anyways.
- Ren, um... - Hey, Spider,
you're a disgusting dirt bag!
(GIGGLING)
I'll be right out.
My man is so hot!
Ren's a wild chick.
Ren?
(SIGHS) Not now, Donnie.
What is it?
I'm getting that feeling again.
Just wait a second, okay?
Spider, I can't come out tonight.
I got stuff to do.
Bye. (KISSING)
I'll call you.
Ren, hurry.
My tummy has... a headache.
Donnie, it's okay.
No, it's not, Ren.
Everything Curtis does
is right, and I'm just a loser.
No, you are not.
Look, it says right here on this little trophy:
"Winner, First Grade Spelling Bee."
- See? - What?
It's the only thing I've ever won in my life.
Aw, Let me hear it.
Ride: R-i-d, silent "e."
See? You still got it.
(LAUGHING)
Donnie's a total wuss.
Didn't I tell you I need total quiet when I'm studying?
Curtis, I'm sorry.
It's just you're always studying.
Then you should always be quiet!
Hey, don't talk to her like that.
Oh, what are you going to do, spelling champ?
R-i-d, silent "e." R-i-d, silent "e."
Can you just leave him alone, Curtis?
You know,
I am getting so tired of the two of you.
Who's he?
You know you're not supposed to have friends over
when I'm studying.
Now, I want him out of here, now.
So, what are you?
One of Donnie's little friends?
I don't have any friends.
- I'm talking to you, twerp. - LOUIS: No, this...
no, uh, I'm... you can't see me.
Well, what am I looking at, then?
I don't know. This is weird.
I'm invisible.
It seems weird. I'm serious.
Look, I'll prove it to you.
I'll... look... just... you're going to be amazed.
Oh!
Okay, who are you and where did you come from?
I'm Louis Steve-o-saurus.
And, I'm a foreign exchange student
from Pennsylvania.
CURTIS: I hear voices!
Um... Sorry, Curtis!
Your little brother's a creep.
Gee...
you noticed?
You don't know what it's like being related to somebody
who's perfect at everything they do.
Actually... I do.
- Really? - Yeah.
How do you deal with it?
Well, it's hard, but I think you got to focus
on your own good qualities, you know?
We don't have any.
DONNIE: Ride.
R-i-d, silent "e." Ride.
- See, that's good. - That's... yeah.
I can spit really far.
Whoa.
- REN: Yeah, just like... - Yeah.
And the fact that you guys care so much about each other,
you know, that's good, too.
I mean, I wish my brother and sister cared about me
as much as you guys care about each other.
Hey, Mom, can I have a friend... Shh!
You know Curtis doesn't like noise when he's studying.
So, does that mean he not going to help us make dinner, huh?
Ren, Curtis is the pride of this family.
He's the smartest the most talented...
I'll get my... my trophy.
No, no, no. If Curtis don't help, we don't help.
Well, very nice.
How would it be if I took that attitude
and decided not to cook Hanukkah dinner?
Well, I'll tell you.
There would be one little boy named Curtis
who would be mighty disappointed.
Curtis, Curtis, Curtis! I am so sick about hearing this name.
Hi, there.
Who-who's that?
Mom, Dad, this is Louis Steve-o-saurus.
He's a foreign exchange student and I want him to come to dinner.
Hi.
How... how do you do?
- Louis. Yeah. - Louis.
Well, we would love to invite you
for Hanukkah dinner, Louis
but isn't your own family expecting you back?
No. I don't have a family.
(ALL GROAN)
I mean, I have a family, it's just...
we don't celebrate... dinner.
You mind if I help you with something, hmm?
Well, I was just about to put this chicken in the oven.
- I got it. - Oh.
(BOTH GASP)
(HESITANT CHUCKLING)
(LAUGHING)
- The chicken! - I'll take it. I'll take it.
Oh! Oh!
Look, it's freestyle.
Oh... freestyle chicken.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh...
I'm eating you for Hanukkah.
I think I'll do a dance.
We haven't laughed this hard since... never.
(ALL LAUGHING)
- Yeah, I wish you were my brother. - That'd be cool.
Hey, where'd the chicken go? It was here a minute ago.
It's on your head.
Chicken train, here it comes.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Chicka-chicka-chicka Chicka-chicka-chicka.
Chicka-chicka-chicka... People!
We have a problem.
What is it, son?
Someone has pilfered the Hanukkah money.
Yeah!
That means it's stolen, pebble-brain.
Come on.
R-i-d, silent "e." R-i-d, silent "e."
R-i-d...
I know I put it in here.
Keep looking. It's got to be around here somewhere.
It's not.
Here, Dad, let me check again.
Oops.
- Oh... - (GASPS)
It's that foreign kid.
He's a bad man, Mom.
Hey.
Where'd you say you were from?
Pennsylvania.
Albania.
It's a small town near...
Romania.
And what was this doing in your pocket?
Is that why you came here,
to steal our presents?
No, I didn't want to steal any presents.
I just wanted to be with you guys... my family.
What?
You come here and dance with our chicken
and suddenly you're family?
I'm so scared.
Should I call the police, Dad?
- You know... - Absolutely! Get him, Donnie!
Okay, I didn't do anything.
Yeah, 'cause we caught you.
I actually thought you were nice.
I am nice.
Just ask my great-great grandmother Bubbie.
Bubbie Rose.
Bubbie Rose, can you please come down?
It's not funny anymore.
I want to go home, please.
I want to go home.
There's no place like home.
It worked in that one movie.
(SCREAMING)
No! No!
- Son, you're having a bad dream. - I didn't steal anything.
- Son! - Honey.
- Calm down. You okay? - You called me son.
Yeah.
Come on, buddy.
It's time to light a Hanukkah candle.
Wait, you guys said that I'm grounded for Hanukkah, remember?
Hey, that's okay. We all talked it over.
We decided we're not going to let a few broken presents
- ruin the holiday. Right, guys? - Yeah.
You know, guys, I'm really sorry about everything that went on, you know?
- Mm-hmm. - We know.
Louis, you do a lot of crazy things but...
well, Hanukkah just wouldn't be any fun without you around.
- That's right. - So, come on.
Everybody up for the chicken dance?
- Hmm? - What?
The chick... Let's go light the candles.
- Come on. - (REN LAUGHS)
(SINGING PRAYER IN HEBREW)
REN: Gimel. Gimel.
STEVE, DONNIE AND LOUIS: Nun! Nun! Nun! Nun! Nun!
(ALL SHOUTING)
Oh! Yeah!
(ALL CHEERING)
(WHOOPING AND LAUGHING)
- Nobody likes a dreidel diva. - (HANUKKAH MUSIC PLAYING)
WOMAN: Yoo-hoo!
You know, I was just out for a little jog
and I found these in the trash,
and I thought
maybe you threw them out by mistake.
No, it's no mistake.
They're all broken.
Really?
(ALL GASP)
Oh, Ren's gift, it's in one piece.
Donnie's sports clock, it's not smashed.
How did you...
Where's that woman?
REN: Well, that's strange.
So, uh, how many days till Christmas?
(THEME MUSIC)