(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
As you can clearly see... (CHUCKLES)
With five people using one phone line,
the telecommunication needs of the female sibling,
namely me, are just not being met.
Therefore, I am proposing that I be given my own phone line.
Thank you. You've been a very receptive audience.
So?
Well, honey, that was a very convincing argument
but, oh, you know, I would hold on to that graph
because it's just about tornado time in...
three, two, one...
Nice footwork around the corners.
Why is it that everyone in this family can be on time
but that lazy slug sleeps till the last minute
then just runs down here like a... tornado...
Honey, it wouldn't hurt to be a little more positive
towards your brother.
But, Daddy...
he is so irritating and if I don't say anything,
I'm afraid that my head is going to explode.
Okay, Ren, how is this for incentive?
If you can not put your brother down for a whole week,
- we will give you your own phone line. - That's good.
- Really? - EILEEN: Mmm-hmm.
- One week? - Mm-hmm.
For a lifetime of privacy.
Deal.
Mom, Dad yeah, I almost forgot... you guys got to sign
that permission slip for the seventh-grade chocolate sale.
Mmm, it's...
I... I thought I had it in my front pocket.
You do.
Your pants are on backwards!
Which is a really stylin' look for you.
Really?
(SIGHS)
(BELL RINGING)
I can't believe we're missing English
for some stupid chocolate sale assembly.
Ha-ha!
(SNARE DRUM PLAYING)
(TRUMPETS PLAYING FANFARE)
MAN: (COUGHING) Kill the smoke.
Kill the smoke! (COUGHING)
Ladies and gentlemen
there are two types of people in this world:
those who can sell chocolate and those who wish they could.
Which one are you?
Who does this guy think he is?
I don't know, but I like his suit.
You are probably saying to yourself.
"Hey, why would I want to sell chocolate for my school?"
Well, I'll tell you.
First of all, you're going to be in some pretty good company.
Shaquille O'Neal
star of the feature film Kazaam
sold chocolate.
Benjamin Franklin...
discovered electricity,
signed the Declaration of Independence
and, uh... oh, yeah, sold chocolate.
Zeus, the most powerful of all the Greek gods...
come on, say it with me...
ALL: Sold chocolate.
That's right.
People, if that's not enough to convince you,
then feast your eyes on the prize
which goes to this school's top seller.
Ladies and gentlemen of Lawrence Junior High
I present to you the very latest in motorized scooter technology...
the AstroScoot XE!
Kids, this is one sweet ride.
Somebody sitting in this auditorium right now
is going to go home with this scooter.
Who's it going to be? I'll tell you...
the person who believes they can take a dream
and make it into a reality.
I want that scooter.
The person who believes they were put on this earth
to sell chocolate.
That's why I'm here.
The person who believes they can become
the number one seller of chocolate
in the history of Lawrence Junior High!
I believe!
TWITTY: Louis, I ain't fooling you, man.
Sandy totally likes me.
She ignores me all the time, you know.
This one time in class she was all...
Oh, baby.
Oh, man... You complete me.
Louis?
Louis, forget about the scooter, man.
You're never going to get it.
I heard that last year Freddie Donaldson
had to sell 300 boxes just to get a water cannon.
So what? So, we'll team up, and we'll sell 400 boxes.
This puppy's ours, man.
Dude, I don't know... that is a lot of chocolate.
Twitty, there are only two kinds of people in this world:
those that sell chocolate and those
that ride around on scooters like Benjamin Franklin.
Now, we have a chance to make history happen here.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
(SCREAMING)
Do you really want me to answer that?
Come on, man, we're a great team. We're a great team.
Remember when we beat that, uh
that two-man water slide record at Tube Town? Remember?
Oh, yeah, man... most times through the Portal of Doom
- without throwing up. - Throwing up.
There's only one thing better than winning this scooter...
sharing it with my best friend.
Okay, dude, I'll do it. Just don't touch me, all right?
Who's the man? You're the man.
(LOUIS LAUGHS)
Are you staring at my scooter?
Is he staring at our scooter?
LOUIS: (ON PHONE) Can I talk to Mr. Jones, please?
Mr. Jones? Hi.
Uh, this is Louis Stevens from Real Good Chocolate Industries
and one of my associates will be in your neighborhood...
tomorrow morning, uh, selling the world's finest chocolate.
Excuse me... Mm-hmm.
That's what I said... tomorrow morning, sir.
Louis, I need to speak to you now.
Uh, sir, could you hold on a second?
My secretary, Miss Crabby Pants has a question for me.
Ah-ha-ha! That's so funny.
Thank you, sir.
Louis, I was just wondering, not in a negative way
or to put you down or anything,
but are you ever going to get off the phone?
Short answer... No. No.
See, I have a big fish on the line.
I just... I got to reel him in.
Uh, hi, Mr. Jones. It's me again.
Right. So... so can I put you down for, uh, a dozen boxes?
Oh, oh, oh, chocolate makes you break out in hives.
Well, uh, you could just...
you could just wear a red shirt and go with it, huh?
- (DIAL TONE) - Hello?
Can I use the phone now?
No, you can't. Maybe next week.
'Cause, uh, me and Twitty got to sell 400 boxes of chocolate.
Four hundred boxes?
Louis, you actually think that you're going to sell 400 boxes?
You are a total and complete... Hi, kids.
Inspiration... to all of us.
(FORCED LAUGHTER)
Go get 'em, Tiger. (PLAYFUL GROWL)
So then... so then I hand you the chocolate,
you eat it, and then you say...
"It's a miracle."
"I can see again."
- No, that's not what you say. - No?
No, it's not. See, 'cause you were blind, and now you can see.
That's a miracle - you can see now.
So, you got to be energetic and pumped, right?
- Yeah. - So, what did Mr. Randall say?
Do you remember?
He said, "You got to make me feel that chocolate has changed your life."
- Right? - Okay.
It's a miracle!
(GASPS)
(CRYING) I can see again!
No, that's too much, man.
- Oh, okay. - (DOORBELL RINGS)
I'm going to get the doorbell.
Um, uh... you keep rehearsing.
It's somewhere in between there, though. It's good.
Oh, the chocolate's here!
Chocolate... oh, you could put it right over there.
Thank you, man.
- Chocolate. Wow. - Yeah.
Hey there, hi there, ho there.
Oh, Mr. Randall, you brought it yourself?
Guys, when I heard the news, I had to come down here
and personally congratulate you two.
You are attempting a brave, brave thing.
Well, I think that we were born to sell chocolate.
That's the attitude.
Keep it coming, guys. Come on.
Dude, uh... that's an awful lot of chocolate.
Eight hundred boxes!
Well, I mean, we're going to try to sell...
Uh... 800 boxes?
Because I only ordered 400.
Uh... Louis?
So did I.
So, I ordered 400...
and then you ordered 400.
Which makes 800 boxes of the finest grade "A"
artificially flavored chocolate that money... can buy.
Obviously, there's been a mistake, see, 'cause...
we really can't sell this much chocolate, sir.
Oh-ho, yes, you can, and you will and you know why?
Because I believe in you guys and also because,
if you read the fine print in the forms your parents signed,
you'll see that you are financially responsible
for each and every box of chocolate that you ordered.
Good luck, fellas. Remember, when you write the check,
it's Randall with the two L's, okay?
Two L's, all right? Guys...
what do you say we go get some, uh, hot wings, huh?
Who's buying? (SNAPPING FINGERS)
So, you guys got your 400 boxes of chocolate?
- Eight hundred boxes... - Eight hundred.
You know, 'cause there was kind of a little mix-up, 'cause...
Wait a second. You are stuck with all those boxes?
When you say it like that it kind of sounds like a bad thing.
And we have to pay for it all
- whether we sell it or not. - Mm-hmm.
How much money do you have in your college fund?
I see what you're trying to do.
You are purposely screwing up
so I'm going to put you down and then I won't get my phone.
- What are you talking about? - Not going to fall for it.
Uh-uh. No. In fact, I'm going to stay positive.
I'm going to be happy and think happy thoughts.
I'm going to sing!
(SINGING) La, la-la La, la... la!
Louis, we're in deep... chocolate.
Shh! Don't even.
What were you thinking?
You ordered an extra 400 boxes of chocolate?
I just thought that if I ordered them...
You don't think, that's what you don't do
'cause I'm the brains of this team.
Yeah, and who made you the boss?
That's how it always is... all the great duos.
Batman, he rescues people and-and... and Robin...
Robin... checks with Batman before he orders 400 boxes of chocolate!
Oh, oh, okay, so... so then it's my fault
whenever your stupid schemes backfire?
At least I think of schemes.
I say you take your 400 boxes and I'll take mine.
- Well, then take them. - I'm taking them.
- Go ahead. Get them. - I...
(GRUNTING)
I just can't... take them all at once.
Twitty
you couldn't even give that many boxes of chocolate away.
I can... and I will.
Well, then this partnership is over.
This friendship is over.
Then get out.
(ALARM SOUNDING)
(ALARM STOPS)
(GROANS)
6:00 a.m. Must sell chocolate.
- (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING) - (TAPPING SOUND)
That's why I've been having those dreams about killer woodpeckers.
Louis, we've been tap-dancing for a month now.
Yeah, it's our new Saturday morning family project.
Yeah, and tap dancing is great for the basketball footwork.
And Grandma says the dames really dig it.
So, what do you think, Louis?
Oh, don't worry. I won't tell your friends you're doing this.
Thank you.
So, why are you up so early?
Oh, the world needs chocolate.
And I need my parking space back.
I wish you'd asked me before you put
all those boxes of chocolate in the garage.
I'm sorry, Dad.
Please, I'm not gonna tell you again. Get them out of there.
Okay, I will. I'll have them sold in no time.
Louis, aren't you working with Alan Twitty?
Yeah, well, me and Twitty had creative differences
because I'm creative and he's different.
Besides, you think Ben Franklin
needed help from Albert Einstein when he was selling chocolate?
Louis, you can't sell all that chocolate by yourself.
Why not? Mr. Randall thinks I can.
At least he believes in me.
I believe in you!
STEVE: That a girl.
Oh, Louis, you know, you really should have told me this
before I bought six candy bars from Alan Twitty.
Twitty's been here already?
Real Good Chocolate Industries.
(SNORING)
(GASPS)
Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Brooks.
Hi. I'm Louis Stevens from next door.
I took the liberty of letting myself in.
I am so glad you're laying down right now. You know why?
Because I have an amazing offer that will knock you off your feet.
A little shy in the morning?
Just nod how many chocolate bars you want.
- One... - (NOISE OUTSIDE)
TWITTY: Come and get your chocolate. Come on.
(BEDSPRINGS BOINGING)
TWITTY: Get your chocolate, come on!
(BELL RINGING)
Twitty!
(CLAMORING)
(BEDSPRINGS BOINGING)
Ah!
Sorry to interrupt, but it seems to me
you girls could use an energy boost about now, right?
We could use our ball back about now.
All right, we're going to do a little taste-test.
- Have we ever met, ma'am? - No.
Well, uh, why don't you go ahead and take a bite out of that, hmm?
So, is that the best chocolate bar you've ever eaten?
That's not the best chocolate bar I've ever eaten.
Too bad. You ate it. You owe me a buck, hmm? Who's next?
(PLAYING HEAVY METAL GUITAR RIFF)
Welcome to Chocopalooza!
Check out the other Chocolate Guy!
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
Twitty!
Girls, please, don't crowd.
There's plenty for everyone.
Check out the other Chocolate Guy!
Step right up!
Buy chocolate from the One-Man Circus!
Louis, hi. I didn't know you could ride a unicycle.
I can't.
(THUD)
(GROANS)
So, you want to buy some chocolate?
Uh-uh, no. Forget it.
I'm not buying from either of you.
Oh. Why?
Well, first of all, it tastes like dirt.
Right.
Yeah, and second of all, I'm boycotting chocolate
because you're ruining your friendship
over some stupid sale.
Well, can you just buy one so I can meet my quota?
- What's your quota? - One.
Wait a second.
You've been selling chocolate all day and you haven't sold one?
- Yeah. - Twitty's been raking it in.
Yeah, I know, but I'm not gonna give up.
It's like that old saying:
"If you fall off your unicycle, you get right back on."
Unless the angry clown wants it back.
It was her, I swear!
(GROWLS)
Okay.
Donnie, you've been in there for two hours. Come out!
(SHOWER RUNNING)
(SIGHS)
Hey, Rennie, what's up?
Why do you have sunglasses on?
To hold my cucumbers up. Duh.
What are you doing in there?
I created my own steam room for total body purification.
You know I got a pimple from that chocolate?
You know, I'd send you an "I'm sorry about your pimple" card
except I need to brush my teeth first.
Yeah, hold on.
Here you go.
I-It's melted.
How did you get it so hot in there?
I took the safety switch off the hot water heater
and turned it up to full power.
I can boil a lobster in the toilet bowl now. (LAUGHS)
Weirdo.
(STEAM WHISTLING)
Hey, Louis, tell Mom and Dad I went to the store to get a new toothbrush.
Can you get me aspirin? I've got a splitting headache.
What are you doing?
I'm desperate, so I'm going for the sympathy angle.
Who wouldn't buy chocolate from a kid
who's got a fence post through his head?
If I wasn't a phone-loving, positive person,
I just might say something.
What is that?!
It tastes like dirt.
It's my chocolate!
(GRUNTS)
- Oh... - (GROANING)
Ren, help me!
REN: Wha-what?...?
How exactly do you stop chocolate?
Get the broom! Get the broom! Get the rake!
Stop dripping.
Here. Here.
You put your chocolate next to the hot water heater!
I'm starting to think that's a bad thing.
This is not working.
Yes, it is.
- We've got to eat it! - No way.
Yes. You go first.
Louis, did you finally get that chocolate out of the garage?
I'm working on it.
Because it'd be nice to park my car in...
Whoa! Louis!
LOUIS: Dad!
Not to change the subject, but did I get any mail?
Hey! How's my top salesman...
Is that your chocolate?
I thought we could move more of it in liquid form.
Listen, kid, I think you better pay me right now.
I don't have the money.
Don't make me take legal action. I've sued third graders.
So, you're going to sue my son, huh?
I may be covered in chocolate, but I happen to be an attorney.
I'm not afraid of you.
Nobody can touch Wallace Randall.
Whoa!
Let me tell you something, Randall.
I've been researching
your Chocolate Pyramid of Success, Incorporated
and as far as I can tell,
none of the profits have even made it back to schools.
Wait... I got to pay for the wrappers, the cardboard boxes,
the fancy foil wrapper things... That stuff adds up.
You've exploited and manipulated children for too long.
You're going to get your money back
but if I ever find you running another chocolate sale,
I will bring you up on charges of fraud, embezzlement...
and selling crummy chocolate!
- Fair enough. - REN: Dad...
- that was incredible. - Yeah, unbelievable. Unbelievable.
Dad, thank you for getting me off the hook.
Off what hook?
For the next few months
you're going to be doing chores around here
to pay for that chocolate.
Starting with cleaning up this mess!
(GROANS)
Go ahead. Call me any name you want.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
(PANTING)
Louis, ask me that again in 17 hours.
Ew!
Hey, what's up, man?
What's up?
(GROANS)
So, you won, huh?
TWITTY: Yeah, it's pretty cool.
I heard about your meltdown.
My dad and Randall were slipping all over. It was crazy.
I wanted to say something.
Oh, um, I'm sorry about what happened and,
and it's all my fault.
Yeah, I guess it was.
No, see, that's not what you're supposed to say, man.
See, I say, "Look, I'm sorry."
Then you say, "No, don't be sorry. It was my fault."
Then we say, "Oh, no, please, it was both our faults." See?
Well, I was just trying to shortcut the whole thing,
so you could have a ride on my scooter.
So, we're still friends, right?
Dude...
So, you want to take her around?
I don't know... I've got a lot of work to do. See that?
- I could cover you. - Thanks, man.
- Just a quick one. Here. - Okay.
Hey, Louis, I said a quick ride!
You're coming right back, right?
Yeah, so I finally got my own private phone line. Yeah. (LAUGHS)
But it was so brutal.
I had to be nice to my brother for a whole week.
Ugh, yeah, you know Louis.
But it was worth it for total privacy.
And, speaking of privacy...
REN: (OVER LOUDSPEAKER) Now, what I'm about to tell you
is top secret.
So, whatever you do, just keep this between you and me.
(VOICE ECHOING) I have a major crush on Bobby Deaver...
(CROWD LAUGHING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)