(THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
(ALARM RINGING)
(SPRING BOINGS)
(SLURPING)
(ELECTRIC WHIRRING)
(EXPLOSION)
Come on, mate.
- Put your back into it. - (LOUIS GROANING)
LOUIS: Wondering why I'm mowing captain kangaroo's front lawn?
Well, believe it or not, it's kind of a simple story.
What you need to know is that every year, my Dad's law firm,
Demming, Demming and Demming...
No, they're not related...
They have their annual company picnic.
And you know my family. We start preparing weeks in advance.
For me, next to getting my teeth drilled...
Well peeled, Renny.
LOUIS: it's the most miserable day of the year.
Why? Because the highlight is a little event
they like to call "the family decathlon."
Good loft on those hops, son.
(WHISTLE BLOWING) Let's huddle up a second!
LOUIS: Thanks to drive, determination, and teamwork
we've won the family decathlon two years in a row.
Does my dad take it seriously? Now, that's like asking,
"Did Shaq have a growth spurt?"
Wash in cold. Tumble dry.
LOUIS: Now, some of the events are sort of normal.
Best Apple Pie, Sack Race...
Now, some of the events like, the Lady of the House Tree Climb...
- (EILEEN GROANS) - Mom?
LOUIS: Yeah, those are a little weird.
(EXHALES) Time?
Uh, 11.6 seconds.
(GROANS) Huh!
- Um, Mom... - (EILEEN HUFFING)
-Mom, um, like I was saying, -Ow!
Um, you know, it's the social event of the season,
and I really want to go.
- Honey, it's just a movie. - No, Mom.
It's not just a movie. It's the new Jackie Chan film.
In the first scene, he wipes out an entire evil army...
with one noodle.
Honey, I know you are not crazy about going to this picnic.
But... look. Look at your father.
All right, Hoss! This is our year!
And what are we going to do?
ALL: Threepeat! Threepeat! Threepeat!
- You see? - STEVE: Come on!
Aw, sweetie, all year round he does everything for us.
This is the only time he ever asks us to do anything for him.
- But, Mom, I want... - Besides, Louis,
you don't think we could win without you,
- do you? - (SNICKERS) Yes.
We could not... Crazy Legs.
- Don't start with the cra... - Crazy Legs.
- Mom! - Crazy Legs.
- I'll go to the picnic. - (LAUGHING)
But I'm not doing that. Serious. No means no.
(DISCO MUSIC PLAYS)
(FEMALE SINGER SINGING) Boogie...
They call me Crazy Legs for my unusual technique.
It's already bad enough you can't go to Jackie Chan,
but you actually have to take this seriously.
But Dad bought me a $400 racing spoon, man.
Aren't picnics supposed to be fun?
- (RECORD SCREECHING, MUSIC STOPS) - Fun?
Are you kidding?
I have nightmares of showing up at the race naked.
And that's fine, it's just I don't have my spoon.
- TAWNY: Then why do it? - Yeah, Louis, why?
Well, it's... It's hard to explain.
I'm... I'm a Stevens, and we have a motto:
"You dream it, you scheme it, and you cream it."
What... does that mean?
I don't know.
Just give me my stupid egg, I'm going home.
Hope that wasn't a $400 egg. (CHUCKLES)
Okay. Look, forget the egg, Louis.
Your last name may be Stevens,
but you're not like the rest of your family. You're just...
not.
Yeah, I know.
It's a picnic. With some silly races.
If you don't want to do it, you shouldn't have to.
You know, you're right.
I'm gonna tell my dad tonight.
STEVE: If we swing wide around the pylon four,
I think we can cut the corner,
pick up maybe two and a half, three seconds on the back stretch.
Good idea, Dad. We are going to pulverize them!
That's my little angel.
Remember, it's not just the three-legged race...
BOTH: It's four!
- Let's get a protein bar. - Okay.
- Right, left... - Uh, uh!
- Wait. - Teamwork.
Right, left, right, left, right, left!
Good girl. How are you and Mom
- coming on your synchronized swimming? - Great.
We are doing a salute to disco.
(SINGING) Staying afloat, staying afloat.
- Fantastic. - Mm-hmm.
The whole family's pumped and ready.
- Well, Dad... - What's the matter?
Dad, I'm worried about Louis.
STEVE: Why?
Sometimes I don't think he's as into this as all of us are.
STEVE: Let me tell you something about Louis Stevens.
You know, he learned to walk at six months.
I'll never forget it.
Your mom and I were in bed reading the paper.
We thought Louis was in his crib, but no.
Here comes old Lou waltzing in
like he owned the place, still in his diaper.
Climbed right into bed with us.
Now, granted, he didn't speak until he was four and a half.
But the point is,
- I knew that day... - (WOOD CREAKING)
That underneath that poopy diaper beat the heart of a lion.
Oh!
Whoa!
Right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right, left.
- Son, are you okay? - (PANTING) I'm fine.
I came to tell you...
I came... to tell you that I can't.
Can't what?
Can't, uh... Can't, uh...
wait. Can't wait to win the race tomorrow.
Yeah!
ANNOUNCER: (ON P.A.) In lane five, last year's third-place finisher,
- Louis "Crazy Legs" Stevens! - (CROWD CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER: And in lane six, last year's champion,
Dudley "El Diablo" Demming.
-(CROWD CHEERING)
- How do you feel, son? - How do I...? I kind of feel like...
Like I'm the only one in this race that knows their timetables.
Hey, these are some tough customers.
Knock 'em dead.
Good luck, mister.
Quite a grip.
(WESTERN THEME MUSIC PLAYS)
(WIND HOWLING)
(RATTLING)
ANNOUNCER: Contestants, saddle your eggs.
On your mark.
Get set.
STEVE: Go, Lou! Go Lou!
Pick up the pace, son! Come on, come on!
(CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
ANNOUNCER: Next up, the ladies' tree climb,
Eileen Stevens.
(WOMEN MURMURING)
ANNOUNCER: Gentlemen, start your engines.
(CHAINSAW ENGINE WHIRRING)
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
ANNOUNCER: And the winner is, Louis "Crazy Legs" Stevens.
Yeah!
Thank you.
(MUFFLED)
Ow!
- Are you okay? - I think I just ripped a delt.
That was pretty rude. I'm eating.
It's my shoulder, egg-boy.
You guys, I'm worried about Dad.
He'll be okay, honey.
Steve, how about some potato salad? It's really good.
How can I eat when I know we're in second place?
- REN: Who are the Dandridges? - STEVE: Porter and his wife Chippy.
Just transferred here from Perth, Australia.
One event left, Stevens.
The father/son kayak race.
That is, uh, if you mates are up to it.
Hello, Porter. Speaking of mates...
You've met my wife Eileen.
- Hi. - G'day.
Fresh air, friendly competition.
It's not about winning or losing, just a great way
for people in the office to get to know each other.
Whatever you say, Stevens.
QUINCY: Let's chew 'em up like a hungry dingo, Dad.
- Dad. - (MOUTHING) Oh, my God.
Of course my son Quincy might have other ideas.
Hi. Ren Stevens. Do you like pie?
ANNOUNCER: All entrants in the father/son kayak race
please proceed to the dock.
Quincy loves to row. Don't you, boy?
Rowing's my life.
(LAUGHING)
Looks like you just rowed here from Australia.
See ya out on the water.
Or, uh... in it.
(LAUGHING RAUCOUSLY)
(MOCKING AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) G'day.
(CHUCKLES) What a nice family.
(WITH ACCENT) Why don't we have them over and throw a shrimp
- on the barbie. - Not.
How you doing, son?
(WITH ACCENT) Ah, ready to go, mate.
(GROANS) Maybe not.
Look,
you're not risking further injury. It's just not worth it.
I cannot believe our family is going to lose.
Oh, no.
That's not going to happen.
It all comes down to the father/son kayak race.
Everything. The title...
the fruits of victory.
All I can say is,
I'm glad I have two sons.
Are you ready, Lou?
Uh-uh.
ANNOUNCER: And now, the final event
for our two top-scoring families,
the father/son kayak race.
On your mark.
Get set.
Go!
(CLAPPING, CHEERING)
Come on, Dad.
So, uh, you getting nervous?
I guess not.
(CHEERING)
LOUIS: To understand what happens next
you got to understand my dad.
Now, for him, this is more than just some silly kayak race.
Come on, Dad! I think you're ahead of him!
LOUIS: This race is a chance to prove what he believes in.
That you can accomplish anything if you just put your mind to it.
Go, Lou! You can do it, Lou!
- Go, Lou! - Atta boy, Quincy!
Paddle, paddle, paddle!
LOUIS: And right now, I'd do anything I could
to help him win this family decathlon.
And I mean anything, including cheat.
Which I did.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS)
That's right, I drilled a hole in Quincy's kayak...
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
LOUIS: A nd by the time we'd gotten to the middle of the lake
he'd taken in enough water to slow him down.
(CHEERING)
- Yes! Yes! - Why's he slowing?
Go! Go!
LOUIS: I know, I know. Cheating isn't the Stevens way.
But winning? Well, winning is.
I won! Ha-ha!
Victory to Stevens! That's my Lou!
(LAUGHS)
Pick him up! Pick him up!
(CROWS CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
CROWD: (CHANTING) Louis! Louis!
Louis! Louis! Louis!
(CRICKETS CHIRPING)
I would like to make a fondue toast to my little brother Louis.
- Nice! - Okay.
- STEVE: Hear! Hear! - Louis,
I know sometimes that I underestimate you.
But, then, when I think of all the stupid things you mess up...
I actually estimate you just right. Like, yesterday,
- when you used Mom's shaver... - I thought you'd me a compliment.
What you did today was fantastic, and I am proud of you.
- EILEEN: Mm-hmm. - Thank you.
ALL: Hear! Hear!
But, but all I did was reach for a little something extra, like dad said.
Did I tell you? This kid has the heart of a lion.
- Roar. - (LAUGHING)
And what better way to show you how proud we are
than with two boiling pots of cheese fondue?
Swiss or... (ECHOING) cheater?
- What'd you just say? - Swiss or cheddar?
(LAUGHING) Oh! 'Cause...
'cause I thought you said, "Swiss or chea...
"Chea... Cheddar...
"Cheddar," 'cause you said... You said that.
(LAUGHING) Roar. Oh.
Virginia clobbers, Virginia tech...
Big Lou.
Big bro, we got it done today, man.
Hey, you got it done today. Good job.
- It came from here. (SNICKERS) - Sweet, dude.
This is cool, checking the scores with my big bro.
And in the big duel in the desert,
Arizona beat Arizona state, 35-14.
They didn't have to cheat...
(ECHOING) Cheat... Like you, Louis.
(ECHOING) Cheater!
What did he just say?
Arizona beat Arizona state, 35-14.
'Zona took it, man. Go, Wildcats!
(BARKING)
- I got to go. - TV REPORTER: Indiana beat Purdue...
Hey Louis, where are you going? We still have an hour of scores left.
I'm going to go have a lie-down.
Of the big cats, the panther is in the same phylum, class,
order and family as the tiger,
but it's the genus that garners our attention today.
- "Genus," of course... - (SNAPS)
- (GROANS) - Hey are you okay?
(STAMMERING) Yeah, fine...
The only faster feline in that particular genus
of course, would be...
the cheetah.
- Cheetah? - Cheater! Cheater!
(ECHOING) Cheater! Cheater!
Cheater! Cheater!
Cheater! Cheater! Cheater!
No! (SCREAMS)
What do you people want from me?
I didn't do anything!
Of the smaller felines...
Louis, both of my parents are psychologists.
I know all about panic attacks.
It wasn't a panic attack.
I think I might've... ripped a delt or something.
Or... could it be that you're guilty about something
and it's overwhelming your ability to do... anything?
"Guilty"? Right. Even if I was,
which I'm not,
I would do the healthy thing
and keep it tightly bottled up inside of me.
Louis, do you know the story of The Telltale Heart?
No, but I bet you're gonna tell me.
It's by Edgar Allan Poe.
It's about a guy who commits a murder
and buries the body underneath his floor.
Then, he starts hearing the sound of a beating heart.
- La-di-da. (LAUGHS) - He tries to ignore it.
(HEARTBEAT)
But the beating just gets louder.
And louder.
He thought he committed the perfect crime.
But the constant beating of the heart was driving him insane.
- The guilt was too much. - (HEARTBEAT CONTINUES)
And, then, finally...
it got to the point where he would've given anything
- to make it go away. - All right!
God! I'm sorry!
I cheated at the picnic.
(SIGHS)
(BASKETBALL BOUNCING)
What are you doing?
Give me the ball!
- What? - Give me the ball!
You cheated in that stupid race?
Are you serious? Dude, what'd you do like,
glue your egg to the spoon or something?
No. Donnie ripped a delt thingy. And I was eating a cupcake.
And everything was all screwed up.
I had to go up against Quincy. What could I do?
So... I drilled holes in his kayak.
I got to go.
- What was he just...? - I have no clue.
(STEVENS FAMILY CHATTERING)
(SILVERWARE CLINKING ON GLASS)
(TALKING STOPS)
I have an announcement to make. I passed a new bill today.
- STEVE: Aw, honey! - REN: Congratulations, mom.
Good job, Mom! You're the man.
(EILEEN LAUGHS)
Guess what? I won the big Simpkins case.
- EILEEN: Oh... - Congratulations, Dad.
Even with my bad delt, I ran a 4:04.
STEVE: Aw, Donnie! Atta boy.
And I aced my algebra quiz.
STEVE: Ren, good for you.
- I cheated in the kayak race. - Hey, Lou, good news.
That's great.
- Did you hear what I said? - Of course we heard you.
You said you cheated...
You cheated on the kayak race?
I sabotaged Quincy's boat.
Why?
Well, I did it for the team. You know, our team, team Stevens.
Louis, I...
Where do I start?
Wait a second, Dad.
I have a confession, too.
The old man in the badminton match
was giving me a pretty good run.
And, then, he hit one right on the line
and the ref called it out.
And I didn't say anything.
I deserved to rip my delt.
REN: Okay. In the...
homemade apple pie contest, I...
I used a store-bought crust.
I can't believe you kids cheated.
Steve...
(STAMMERING) It's not just the kids. I...
Well, I was in such a hurry.
To climb that tree that I punched a squirrel.
- Mother! - Well, I mean,
I know it's not cheating. But... it's really not very nice.
I'm sorry, Dad.
We all are.
It's not your fault, guys.
It's mine.
- Dad... - Dad... (FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING)
(DOGS BARKING OUTDOORS)
I don't mean to put so much pressure on you.
I just wanted you to know what it feels like to...
set out to do something, and, then...
accomplish it.
Now I wonder what I've actually taught you guys.
You taught us that it's better to play fair and lose
than to win by cheating.
That's what you always taught me.
Come here.
- I love you, Lou. - I love you, too, Dad.
LOUIS: So, me and dad are cool.
- (FELT RIPPING) - (GLASS CRASHING)
LOUIS: But I still felt bad about cheating Quincy.
So I challenged him to a rematch,
Fair and square.
Loser does the winner's chores for a week.
Finally. I was getting worried, mate.
LOUIS: Needless to say, I got my butt kicked.
And, boy, do those Aussies
have a lot of yard work.
(LAUGHS)
QUINCY: You finish this up, mate, we'll give you a spot of lemonade
before you start on the hedges.