(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
- Please? - No.
- Please? - No!
- Please? - No.
- Please? - Okay.
- Really? - (SCOFFS) No.
Oh, come on, Ren.
Wait, wait, wait.
(SIGHS)
Well...
Wh... Wait, I live here, too.
Ren.
(DOOR CLOSES)
- Ren. Why not? - Louis,
who wrote the grant to get money to produce a TV news magazine
- for the school? - You did.
- And who is the editor and anchor lady? - You are.
And whose little brother is gonna back off because his big sister has one shot
to prove to Principal Wexler that it's gonna work?
Uh, is... is this a trick question?
Think about it!
Hiya, Donnie.
Do you know how many impurities one carrot can pick up in its lifetime?
No.
There's pesticides, environmental pollutants...
Bug doodie.
- Yummy. - See, according to...
Ren. Ren, Ren, Ren.
Um, I thought about it, and it's not a trick question.
- But I still can help you. - I don't think so.
Donnie, can you talk to her?
'Cause she has all this cool video gear,
and she won't let me near it.
Lou, it's her call. Deal with it.
- I can make you a comic masterpiece. - See, that's the problem right there.
I take this project very seriously, whereas you take nothing seriously.
That's not true. That's not...
Oh, you think I need to shave my pits?
- I rest my case. - Oh, Ren, Ren, Ren. Come on.
Just keep me away from vegetables. I'll be fine.
Bro, as I get a little older,
I realize that there are adult solutions to problems like these.
- So what do you do? - I ask Mommy.
Mmm, maturity.
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
Whoa! Slo-mo karate.
You could probably kick Grandma's butt.
- What, what, what, what! - I'm mastering tai chi,
the Chinese way to exercise and relax at the same time.
Why isn't this working? What's wrong?
It's the music.
- (MUSIC STOPS) - It's the wrong mood.
- Mom, can... - I need to find something...
that will help me center myself and free my consciousness.
I have bills to pass. I have an election to run.
- Mom. - What?
- I've got a problem. - Oh.
Well, I'm sorry, honey. Okay, what?
Well, Ren won't let me on her TV news magazine,
and she said it's 'cause I can't be serious.
Well...
Louis, in all fairness,
have you ever been serious with your sister?
Let's see...
I didn't goof on her when she had that pimple on her nose.
You called it a Rice Krispy.
Well, that's 'cause it snapped, crackled, and popped. (POPS)
Louis, if you want Ren to give you a chance,
you have to approach it seriously and give her a professional idea.
- So, I got to be serious? - Yes. Oh...
I have an exercise to help you focus. Do this with me.
(CHINESE GONG MUSIC PLAYS)
It's called "golden chicken stands on one leg."
I'm gonna do the "flaky biscuit sits in the lawn chair," Mom.
Whoa! (THUD)
- Mom? - EILEEN: I'm okay.
- Lookay, it's pre-barfed. - (LAUGHTER)
Anyways, guys,
I need a serious issue for Ren's news magazine.
How about we do a behind-the-scenes look at my new band?
- LOUIS: Mm-hmm. - The "Alan Twitty Project."
- You don't have a band. - I do too have a band.
Except that my drummer's grounded, my bass player got left back,
and my lead singer has mono.
(SNICKERS)
What's this whole thing about you being serious, anyways?
I mean, it's so not you.
So you're saying I'm just some goofball who can't be serious?
BOTH: Yeah.
Mm.
Oh, we don't mean that in a bad way.
Right.
I'm gonna prove to you and Ren and my mom
and everybody that I can do this.
'Cause there is a serious story waiting to be told at this school.
And you know what? It's probably right in front of my face.
- (SIGHS) - So?
Not bad.
LOUIS (WHISPERING): Yes!
Come in.
Hi, honey. Can I borrow a CD?
I can't find the right music for my tai chi.
- Sure. Help yourself. - Oh. Thanks.
Are you all ready for your TV debut?
I'm going over the rundown right now. If we do a good job,
we get to do a show every week.
Do you know how good that's gonna look on my record?
I'm really proud of you, Ren.
The Limp Biscuits. Now, that sounds relaxing.
Oh, honey,
I really appreciate you giving Louis a chance.
- You know, it means a lot to him. - He actually had a pretty good idea.
He's gonna interview the cafeteria lady.
You know, find out what her story is, show her human side.
I just hope he can be serious about it.
- (CHUCKLES) - (LAUGHS)
Okay. Well, good luck.
- Thank you. - (BOTH CHUCKLE)
Hi. Live from the cafeteria, this is Louis Stevens.
- (TV NEWS MUSIC PLAYS) - (IN DEEP VOICE) Hi, and hello.
Welcome to Nightline. Sitting in for Ted Koppel's hair,
I'm Louis Stevens.
(SQUELCHING)
Hi. I'm Geraldo Stevens with a serious report on fake mustaches.
(SCREAMS) Don't use crazy glue.
PRODUCER: Six, five, four, three...
(TV NEWS MUSIC PLAYS)
Hello. I'm Ren Stevens
and welcome to the first of what I hope will be many editions
of the Wombat Weport.
- (LAUGHTER) - "Report." Heh. The Wombat Report.
Serious news for serious times.
- (LAUGHTER) - Chill, dimweed.
Today, we have three
exciting wive weports...
Live reports. (CHUCKLES)
We'll go to Danika Henderson in the parking lot.
Danika?
Thank you, Ren.
Ever wonder what happens to the fines you pay on overdue library books?
I have a shocking report.
Thank you, Danika.
We'll look forward to that. We'll also
hear from Louis Stevens in the cafeteria. Louis?
Thank you, Ren. I'll be going behind the scenes
for an intimate conversation
with a person we all see everyday, but nobody really knows.
(SNIFFS)
Thank you, Louis. We'll look forward to that.
But first, a report from our sports guy, Artie Ryan.
Oh, yeah! Alan Twitty, nice shot.
- ARTIE: How you doing? - TWITTY: What's up, man?
Let's go back to the big game against Red Hill.
The team is down by one.
The clock is ticking. Five, four,
three, two... Twitty stops, he shoots...
It's good! Score!
Lawrence wins! Lawrence wins!
- Lawrence wins! Lawrence! - Calm down.
- Lawrence! (COUGHING) - TWITTY: Whoa!
Dude, calm down, all right? You're, like, gonna pop an eyeball.
Just deep breaths, okay? In... (INHALES) And out... (EXHALES)
(LAUGHTER)
(ZAPS)
We've got one minute. Kyle, remember,
I need a 5.3 diffusion, two tweenies and a pepper.
(SIGHS) How about you?
- Are you ready? - LOUIS: Absolutely.
- TOM: Where are your questions? - Right here, amigo.
Oh. How'd the pre-interview go?
A pre-interview? (SNICKERS) Tom, please.
If I knew the answers to the questions
before I asked them, that'd be pretty boring television.
So you're just gonna wing it? Does Ren know about this?
Don't worry about it. Isn't that how all the greats do it, Tom?
No.
Oh.
Let's just say it's the last time I played without a cup.
Excellent.
Oh, hey, uh, any final thoughts?
My band is still looking for a bass player.
Oh, hey, I play bass.
(LAUGHS)
Thank you, Artie, for that insightful story.
Now let's go live to the cafeteria
for Louis Stevens' special report.
Thank you, Ren.
Now, we've all been in the cafeteria line.
But what do we really know about the people
who cook and serve the so-called food we eat?
Let's check it out.
Guys!
- Come on! - What is it?
Oops.
Oh. Yes. Um, hi. Louis Stevens, Wombat Report.
- I'd like to ask you a few questions. - Excuse me?
- (THUMPS) - Um...
Yes. Could you, uh, tell us what it's like
- to be the cafeteria lady? - Too busy.
- No talk. - LOUIS: Could you tell us
a little something about your day?
I stir pot.
Could you tell us exactly what's in the pot?
Beans.
Louis, are you gonna do something stupid?
Aha! Pinto or navy?
Yes, you are.
So answer me this.
- What do you want from me? - How about the truth?
- ELSA: Please leave my kitchen. - (LAUGHTER)
Kitchen? Why? Are you hiding something?
Hot! It's hot here! Argh!
Tom, tell him to wrap it up, 'cause this is just not working.
WOMAN: I have to work. You need to go.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Mm.
Is it true you once ran out of chicken fingers
and served human fingers?
- Why you say such lies? - Lies? Lies?
How do you explain this?
- Huh? Huh? - Get out! Out!
- Out! - (LOUIS GROANS)
(ACTION MUSIC PLAYS)
Tom. Tom, are you getting this? (SPUTTERS)
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
I'm under fire. I'll try to stay on as long as I can.
- Call for help! - (LAUGHTER)
TOM: Oh, my God! She's a freak!
Look at this freak!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(SHRIEKING)
(LOUIS SCREAMING)
(POTS AND PANS CLANGING)
Man down! We got a man down.
I'm trying to get you out! We're trying to get you out!
Watch out!
It's Foodzilla! Tokyo is doomed!
(LAUGHTER)
LOUIS: Foodzilla!
Back to you, Ren. Hoped you liked it. Oh!
Foodzilla!
- Louis! - (FIRE CRACKLING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(GASPS) There she is.
She hated it. I'm dead. I am dead.
- That's it. - Well, let's see.
- Uh, you could run. - No. No. Useless.
Ren, I just saw Principal Wexler. He said he really enjoyed the show.
- And? - And what?
Oh, I don't know. "And your show was ridiculous,"
"and you're never get into a good college,"
or "and you're expelled."
Ren, I'm telling you, girl. Everybody loved the show,
Especially your brother's segment, now that was fun.
- Really? - Really.
Excuse me.
- Congratulations. - (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, Ren.
Louis?
(VOICE BREAKING) Will there be pain involved? 'Cause I hate pain.
- Louis. - Okay. Truthfully, I'm sorry.
I tried to be serious, but...
- I was dying out there. - Louis.
Let's talk about your next segment.
- Really? - Really.
Really?
I was thinking you could do a whole series of intimate portraits...
The school nurse, the gardener, or the football coach.
How about him, the custodian?
- Mr. Gordon? - Right, Mr. Gordon.
Well, I guess you could trash him.
You get it? Trash?
He's the custodian!
- Ren. - Huh?
I'll do the comedy.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
It's Foodzilla!
Foodzilla!
- (LAUGHTER) - Foodzilla!
Foodzilla!
- (LAUGHTER) - BOY: Foodzilla!
- (INAUDIBLE) - (LAUGHTER)
STUDENTS: Foodzilla! Foodzilla!
Foodzilla! Foodzilla! Foodzilla!
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Grasping the bird...
(GRUNTING) ...is not working. It's not working, it's not working.
(MUSIC STOPS)
- Hi, Mom. - Mm. Mm.
Kids. (GASPS) Ren.
Sweetheart, I listened to the Limpy Biscuits.
What interesting lyrics.
- "I did it all for the..." - Mom...
Uh-uh. You get this back when you're 30.
(SIGHS)
So, how was the show?
- Great. - Everybody loved it.
Wow. I'd hate to see what you two looked like if it bombed.
- What happened? - Well, you know my report
on the cafeteria lady?
Well, that was kind of boring, so, um, I started goofing on her.
No, no, no, no. It was my fault
because I should've never let you on the air in the first place.
No, it's my fault, okay,
- 'cause I couldn't be serious. - No, it's my fault.
When everyone said they loved it,
- I just went right along. - Are you kidding?
I tried to get a few laughs and I ruined her life.
- You ruined somebody's life? - Mm-hmm.
Okay, you're right...
You are a horrible little person.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Wait a minute.
What do you mean you ruined somebody's life?
Well, I called the lunch lady "Foodzilla,".
And then, pretty soon, everybody in the cafeteria
was chanting, "Foodzilla! Foodzilla!"
She quit right on the spot.
- She quit her job? - LOUIS: Yeah.
- And I feel awful. - We'd do anything to get her back.
Right.
Well, for starters,
you have to go over to Foodzilla's...
to the lunch lady's house and apologize.
To her house?
Yes. Today.
(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
- (CRICKETS CHIRPING) - (FROGS CROAKING)
No, I can't do this.
Come on, what are you afraid of?
(CACKLING)
(MUFFLED SCREAMING)
- Is it getting hot? - What?
Just... Forget it, come on.
- (SCOFFS) - (OWL HOOTING)
-(WOLF HOWLING) No, I can't do this. You.
- You! - You.
- You.
- You! - Oh, damn.
Please, I just wanted to say
that I'm sorry about what happened at school.
We feel awful, and, um...
we want to apologize and see if there's any way
- we could get you to come back. - I don't think so.
Wait, wait. See, I brought you a present.
It's, uh, a three-pack of hair nets.
- In assorted colors. - LOUIS: Colors, right.
(SIGHS)
- Come in. - (DOOR CREAKING)
- LOUIS: That's very gracious. - (CHUCKLES)
- (DOOR SLAMS) - LOUIS: Oh.
Wait.
- Why you make fun of me? - Um...
That's the way kids are sometimes. When they don't know a person,
they're either afraid of them, or they make fun of them.
Right now, I'm afraid. Oh.
We should probably go.
Sit!
You want to know me? I show you.
Hold this.
(YODELING)
- (GIGGLES) - That was really cool.
How do you do that?
It's, uh... How do you say?
In the throat. You try.
(YODELING OFF-KEY)
- I guess it's harder than it looks. - Hmm.
Ja. But people here do not appreciate.
I come on boat from Europe to become professional.
But yodeling work is not so much.
So I start cooking at school.
But now, children make fun.
Oh, but they wouldn't
if you showed them what a kind, decent
yodeling person that you really are.
No, no.
To children, I always be large person with ladle.
Mm. Honey,
- not when we get through with you. - Uh-huh!
(SANDPAPER SCRAPING)
Ah
(WHIRING)
(INAUDIBLE)
Presenting the new
and improved Miss Elsa Schotz!
- (GIGGLING) - Thank you, children.
Come back anytime. I yodel for you.
- Okay. - ALL: Mwah!
- (GIGGLING) - Bye-bye.
BOTH: Bye.
You know, I don't care if it is mystery meat Monday.
I'm starving.
- Yeah, man, where's Foodzilla? - (LAUGHTER)
Yeah, that's not funny, dude. Her name is not Foodzilla.
It's Miss Schotz. Elsa Schotz. And she's a really nice person.
Whatever, but she better show soon, or I'm gonna eat my own foot.
Oh, she'll be here.
And I think you'll like what you see!
(DOOR OPENS)
Where's... Wait, wait.
You're not Miss Schotz.
Where's Miss Schotz?
(TV NEWS MUSIC PLAYS)
Hi, I'm Ren Stevens. Welcome to the second
and hopefully not the last edition
of the Wombat... News. (CHUCKLES)
The Wombat News. As you all know,
last week, Miss Schotz quit after we aired our report.
For an update on how she's doing here is our own Louis Stevens.
Thanks, Babwa.
Now, humor can hurt.
That's what I learned last week. But love can heal.
On the very next day, coming back to school
to serve us nutritious and well-balanced meals,
Miss Schotz ran into our very own custodian Mr. Gordon.
Now, let me just tell you, Miss Schotz was looking hot!
Let... let's just go to the videotape.
Hello, children.
Mr. Gordon take me to Las Vegas. We get married!
Let it ride!
I'm gonna miss you, children.
(YODELING)
(HITS HIGH NOTE)
Thank you, Louis. Excellent report.
Thank you, Ren. Seriously.
(YODELING MUSIC PLAYS)
Who could've imagined I'd ever find peace in this music?
Thank you, Louis.
(LIP SYNCING YODELING)