(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
EILEEN: Louis Anthony Stevens!
Part of eating as a family means you have to make an appearance... before dessert!
Yeah, um, I'm... going to finish cleaning my room.
Cleaning your room?
I hope Louis doesn't embarrass me when June-Marie gets here.
- Who's June-Marie? - "Who's June-Marie?" Hello!
Only my new pre-high school mentor.
She's in your geometry class.
Pre-high school mentor? She must be pretty ambitious, huh?
REN: Oh, she is!
She is president of the chess club,
captain of the debate team, and editor of the high school yearbook.
She's my idol. (LAUGHS)
She sounds really terrific, honey, but it's not like you're a loser.
With June-Marie's guidance, when I get to high school
everybody will already be impressed with me.
Louis! You finally decided to join us.
All right. Who did it?
- Who did what, Louis? - So that's how it's going to be, huh?
The old, "oh, we have no idea what you're talking about" routine.
Louis, we have no idea what you're talking about.
As if you've never heard of a certain
1995 Saturday Night Live tape, featuring Mike Meyers,
which is now missing from my room.
Give it a rest.
- Who's Mike Meyers? What's he on about? - I don't know.
I'm not a detective.
But I did watch ten whole minutes of Nash Bridges once.
And I promise you, I'm going to catch whoever did this.
Champ? Maybe you misplaced it.
Of course, that's what somebody wants me to think.
(SIGHING AND GROANING)
All right. I'm going to turn the lights off.
And when I turn them back on, I expect to see the tape
just to the right of these mashed potatoes, all right?
DONNIE: So, June-Marie. You said she's in my class?
- REN: Geometry. - DONNIE: Oh, geometry!
I don't think I've ever met her.
(SIGHS) All right, I'm going to do this one more time.
And then it's going to get ugly, my friends.
REN: Mother, may I please have permission
to FedEx Louis to Timbuktu before June-Marie gets here?
EILEEN: Absolutely not.
UPS is so much cheaper.
It is an honor to make an acquaintance with one so...
Too formal.
You are so rad.
No... I look up to you like 24-seven.
That's not me.
It... No.
Hey, June-Marie.
No. Uh...
It is an honor to make an acquaintance with one so accomplished as yourself.
No.
I am really glad that you could make it.
- Thanks. - Oh!
June-Marie. Uh... (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Come on in. You're already in.
- Um... Yeah. I'm a dork. - Relax.
Sure.
Great room. Clean.
Good attention to Feng Shui.
But you know what I like most about it? It reminds me of my room.
That is the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me.
Mentoring you is going to be great.
You'll learn a lot, and I'll complete my do-gooder part
of my five-year plan to be a self-actualized teen.
You have a five-year plan? I have a five-year plan.
Where do you end and I begin?
(GIRLS LAUGH)
Ah. Laughter.
I used to have a lot to laugh about.
About nine minutes' worth... on videotape.
Hmm! But I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that, now, would you?
Um... Louis! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
I really don't think that there's enough room here for you and your paranoia.
I have the right to question all the suspects. You...
LOUIS: Right after I stop this nosebleed.
Wow.
You did this whole layout all by yourself.
Layout, design, copy, photography, and binding, to be exact.
And you were in eighth grade then.
I'm in awe.
I know. Could you imagine what we could accomplish
on the high school yearbook staff together?
Excuse me, "we"?
There's an opening for assistant editor next year.
But they would never give that position to a lowly freshman, would they?
- They did once. - You? No!
(SPLASHING)
LOUIS: Okay, it's not in Donnie's fish tank.
Who wants sushi?
Don't ask. (SIGHS)
Anyway, I know a winner when I see one.
And if I put in a word for you with the yearbook advisor,
maybe we could make it happen again.
JUNE-MARIE: Judging from your records you've got the talent
and the drive, and...
Looking at you... is like looking at a young me.
Okay. (LAUGHS)
That's the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me.
- I'll see you tomorrow, okay? - Okay.
Thanks again.
(MUFFLED) I want you...
I want you two to know...
Until I find that tape...
everybody is a suspect.
You know what? I wish you would take this more seriously.
- It's just a missing videotape. - No! It's Saturday Night Live!
It's the tape that made me want to be funny.
I learned my funniest bit from this tape, "the whiners,"
and I want my tape.
Louis. Let it go.
This whole detective thing isn't working out for me.
Hey, Tawny,
I couldn't help but overhearing you had a little problem.
- Actually, that would be Louis's problem. - That's my problem.
Why don't I just lend you my XL-201 listening device
and high-frequency, low-contrast,
fiber-optic concealable surveillance camera,
with motion-sensing activation?
It always works for me.
Oh, what the heck. We'll do it your way.
Yeah.
- Assistant editor! - Can you believe it? (LAUGHS)
I finally have met my idol
and she's not only going to be my mentor
but she's going to make sure that I follow in her footsteps.
Ren, you were going to do all that great stuff anyway.
Oh, yeah, sure, but with June-Marie helping me,
everyone in high school will already know who I am.
How can I fail?
(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)
If this looks complicated...
It is.
Oh.
Glad to hear it. Now, how does this all work?
This may look like an ordinary picture frame, right?
TAWNY: Mm-hmm.
Happy family on vacation. Louis's fly is open.
What? No, it... No, it's not.
But... concealed on the back we have a multi-directional microphone.
Capable of hearing a pin drop within a 25-foot radius.
Louis.
- Testing. - (BUZZING)
(SHRIEKS AND WHIMPERS)
Perfect.
And over here...
We have a regular, run-of-the-mill light switch.
Simple as that, right?
I think not.
Inside is a camera no bigger than my toenail.
(THUDS)
(GROANING)
For god's sake.
It's one of several hidden inside and outside the house.
Anyone coming in will be captured on an audio/video system
accessed through a bank of monitors in your room.
That's... great. You think it'll really work?
(LAUGHS LOUDLY)
I hope so.
I hope so, too.
We'll let you know.
Hey, Tawny, you think maybe I could set up
a surveillance system in your house sometime?
LOUIS: Tawny doesn't have a home.
- (GASPS) - She lives on her bike.
It's a long story. It's very tragic.
Pack it up.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh...
(WINCES)
(LAUGHS) Thank you. Yeah, it's gotten bigger.
(LAUGHS)
One more time from the top.
- Mr. Maloney. - Photography teacher.
Only accepts photos that are evenly cropped and put on card stock.
- JUNE-MARIE: And... - REN: And... (TICKING)
- (ALARM RINGS) - Lens cap.
(GROANS) Always put the cap back on the lens.
Details, woman! This ain't junior high.
- Cap on lens, cap on lens, cap on lens. - Okay, relax. You're doing great.
- You really think so? - Absolutely. With my help, you can't miss.
Thank you.
Hey, Ren, phone for you. It's Jewel.
- I told you to hold my calls. - She is on hold. Duh.
REN: Hi. How are you?
- Hey. - Hey.
So you're in my, uh, geometry class, right?
Am I? How 'bout that?
So I guess I'll see you tomorrow in class.
Oh, yeah. Whatever. Bye.
(PHONE SPEED DIALING)
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my total gosh!
You will never guess who I was fully and completely talking to just now.
Yeah, Donnie Stevens. Yes.
My plan is working.
If I hang out with his lame sister long enough, I know he'll ask me out.
Assistant yearbook editor? As if!
Ren?
I gotta tell you something about June-Marie.
Oh... Louis, for the last time she did not steal your stupid comedy tape.
She's not as cool as you think she is.
June-Marie happens to be the coolest person that I know,
and nothing that you can say or do is going to change that.
- Understood? - Yeah. Understood.
LOUIS: Funniest thing happened to me today.
I want to tell my sister she's being taken for a ride.
Problem is, sis isn't too used to me telling true stories.
(CLEARS THROAT)
So, you know, I'm realizing
that every time I try to do something nice for this family
nobody ever believes me.
So now I got to figure out how to tell her...
without telling her.
The worst part is...
I got a zit the size of a Volkswagen.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
If only we had a time machine,
we could go back to when June-Marie said it,
tape her, come back to the present, and bam!
Oh, that's practical.
See, the problem with, uh, spying on people
is you can't control what they do.
I wish we had never put that surveillance equipment in my house.
Oh, hold on second, all right? Wait, hold on.
You know, I was on the internet in a counter-intelligence chat room,
And I read how the FBI can implant
a microchip in your tooth and detect your every movement.
- Twitty! - TWITTY: Well,
it would explain how my mom knew I ate that extra Hot Pocket.
LOUIS: Listen to this.
"Dear June-Marie, every time you visit my sister,"
"I wonder when you're going to give me a chance to ask you out..."
Um... I'm stuck.
- "Meet me at my house today at 5:00." - Okay.
TAWNY: "I'll get rid of Ren."
- "I..." - "...love ya, Donnie."
"Donnie." (CHUCKLES)
Hello? Is this thing on?
(SNORING)
(SNORES)
- Hey, honey. - Hi.
Hey, look what I bought.
- EILEEN: Want a turkey sandwich? - Did I hear "turkey"?
STEVE: Listen, we need to talk about something.
EILEEN: Okay.
STEVE: You recorded over Louis's comedy tape.
- EILEEN: No! - STEVE: Yes.
How?
Wait a minute. What did I record?
- Meet the Press. - Meet the Pre...
Oh, no... That is your show.
Yes, but when I asked for a blank tape, you handed me this.
Oh, so it makes it my fault?
All right, let's not point fingers. We have to figure out what to do.
So you thought you'd get away with it?
What do you mean?
Oh, I think we all know what I'm talking about here.
EILEEN: Now, Louis, it's not what it looks like.
Yes, it is.
I always know when there's turkey in the house.
LOUIS: Mmm.
- You got us, honey. - Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) These days, nothing gets past me.
Where are you going?
Tell Dad, because June-Marie canceled our meeting,
that I'm going to the library to study.
Right. Five o'clock.
(BEEPING)
June-Marie.
LOUIS: Ren! I'm so glad you're here.
- REN: Not for long. - You can't leave.
Why not?
- 'Cause I need your help. - Sorry, I'm not a psychiatrist.
With my history homework... Yeah.
I saw how great it's been for you, having a mentor.
I thought maybe you could mentor me.
Seriously? Where's the, uh, hidden camera?
Ren, you're the smartest person I know.
You're great at explaining things.
And, uh, you're everything I need in a mentor.
Please.
When you put it that way...
Louis, do you want me to help you or not?
Uh, yeah.
(KNOCKING)
Oh, uh, hi, June-Marie.
Hi. Well, here I am, five o'clock on the dot.
Yeah, Ren thought you had canceled.
- Really? - Yeah.
Wherever did she go?
To the library.
Mm, good work. I've got all evening.
You cannot be listening to music while we're studying.
- I can't hear it. - Exactly.
Where are you going?
Oh, I'll be right back. I left my notebook downstairs.
- Be right back. - (GROANS)
So, hey... How about...
How about that, uh, geometry, you know?
(DONNIE SIGHS)
- Hey, Louis! - Hmm?
Uh, what are you doing?
Don't mind me.
Mom wanted me to earthquake-proof the house,
so I'm putting this here.
Okay? See? It's better for everyone.
Enjoy. (CLAPS)
- Your brother's a little weird. - (CHUCKLES)
Ew.
So where's the notebook?
- Silly me. It's computer homework. - This is ridiculous. I'm out.
(REN SIGHS)
(BEEP)
(WHIRRING)
Whoa.
JUNE-MARIE: The truth is, I only became Ren's mentor
so I could get to know you a little better.
I didn't really want you to see that, but... I felt you had to.
JUNE-MARIE: So glad we finally got together.
LOUIS: So you don't need her,
and don't need to, you know, make shortcuts to get on the yearbook.
You're Ren Stevens.
- You're the Ren Stevens. - (DOOR CLOSES)
I'm just so sorry you had to find out about June-Marie like this, Ren.
Ren? Ren?
Oh, wow, June-Marie, what a surprise. Hey, Donnie.
Do you think you could excuse us for a minute?
- You know what? - REN: Yeah?
I have no idea what's going on here.
I'm going to go in the kitchen, where the world makes sense. Excuse me.
So... Your mom made a full recovery.
Wow. You know, 20 minutes, that's a pretty quick cure for malaria.
- Modern medicine. Go figure. - REN: Yeah. (CHUCKLING)
I just heard everything you said to Donnie.
Who barely knows or cares who you are.
- I don't know what you're talking about. - REN: Save it!
I'm on to your little scheme, June-Marie.
Well, I've got news for you, little Miss Pretentious.
I can get that job on the yearbook without your help.
(CHUCKLES)
I cannot believe that I ever looked up to you.
You know, the only thing that you could possibly teach me
is how not to act when I get to high school.
(LAUGHS)
Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
- Man, you really gave it to her! - (REN SIGHS)
I mean, pow! Right in the kisser. It was beautiful.
- And you... - There's no need to thank me.
You knew about June-Marie all along and you didn't even tell me.
Wait...
- You're not going to thank me, are you? - No!
If I would have told you, you wouldn't believe me anyways.
Oh, yes I...
- Okay, no, I wouldn't have. - Mm-hmm.
But... I will next time.
Remember that time when you found your underwear in the freezer?
And you thought it was me? Remember that?
- LOUIS: That was Mom. - Oh, I don't believe you!
LOUIS: Yeah, it was Mom.
- Yeah. And the time with the balloons? - Uh-huh?
- That wasn't me either. - Oh, really?
- Yeah, it was not me. - Really?
- With the balloons? It wasn't me. - Really?
- I'm not listening to you. - And the time at the zoo...
- REN: La la la la. - That wasn't me either.
- That wasn't me! - REN: La la la la la.
- REN: La la la la. - And then...
when we were at the shaving cream store, that was you!
REN: Louis!
- How did he take the news? - I thought you told him.
Oh! This is getting ridiculous!
We cannot be afraid of our own kid.
- We have to take care of this now. - I agree.
Oh!
- EILEEN: Louis? - Hmm?
We have to tell you something.
Don't tell me we don't have any cherry cola.
No...
I'm a top-notch gumshoe. I got a nose for these things.
Yep.
How about that?
He's developed his own detective vocabulary.
Hmm... That's educational. And I bet he's reading more.
And aren't the best mysteries the unsolved ones?
EILEEN: Mm-hmm.
Burn it.
(EXHALES)
(SIGHS) Just a matter of time, people.
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)