(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALARM CLOCK RINGS)
(SLURPING)
(LIGHTSABERS BUZZ)
(EXPLOSION)
TEACHER: Once you've opened the world atlas application,
you'll find that doing research about your favorite continent
can be both fun and easy.
Now, if you'll turn your attention
- to Afghanistan. - (KEYBOARD CLACKING)
Yes!
Louis, it's just Afghanistan. What's the big deal?
Twitty, check it out.
- You're getting a Roaring Drycon? - Shh! Be quiet.
- All right. - That is so cool.
Louis Stevens.
Is there a problem?
No, I was just commenting that...
it's amazing how your favorite continent
is my favorite continent, too.
Oh. I'm certain it's one of the great mysteries of life.
Perhaps you'd like to stay after class and explore this mystery a little further?
No, that's all right.
- I'll just wait for the movie. - (CLICKS MOUSE)
Now, Afghanistan
is not the only exciting country in Asia.
(BEEPING)
Why couldn't he just ask for something easy...
like my mom's Volvo?
(BELL RINGING)
I cannot believe you actually got the new kid, Ernie Morton,
to trade you his Roaring Drycon card.
- Yeah. - It's the hardest one to get.
Well, I got it like that.
- Hey, Alan. - Hey, girls.
Whazzup!
Who cares about them?
All that matters now is that, when I get my Roaring Drycon card,
- I'll have completed my collection. - Oh, dude, that's excellent, man.
Hey, so what did you have to trade him anyways?
Hey, look at the time. I better jet.
Your TV or your stereo, man?
Ernie just wants to hang out at the mall with Ren.
- You traded a date with your sister? - See, it's not a date.
Ernie just wants to be seen with a popular girl
and I happen to live with one.
Oh, that's different, 'cause what you really did
was play social director for a sister
who clearly thinks of you as a lower life-form.
She calls you a slug.
Yeah, 'cause she loves me right down to the ground.
Louis, just kiss this whole Roaring Drycon thing goodbye, okay?
Your sister is never going to go out
with Ernie "I-never-picked-a-booger- I-didn't-like" Morton.
You know what your problem is?
- You don't understand women. - And you do?
"Whazzup"?
I know girls look past what's on the outside.
And I know they like the sensitive type.
Now, see, Ernie Morton happens to be the sensitive type.
Who's allergic to soap and water!
(SIGHS)
REN: Me... Ten hours.
Thirteen hours... Adrienne Dunmore.
Hey, you want to go to the mall Saturday?
You can help me pick out your birthday present.
Oh, I can't.
If I'm going to beat Adrienne Dunmore for Service Volunteer of the Month,
I need to find four more hours of volunteer work to do this weekend.
Yeah, I guess you're tired of losing to her, huh?
She beat you out for history club president, cheerleading...
Hey, hey, hey! I get it.
Quit obsessing over her, Ren. You need to get out and have some fun.
I will have fun... when I'm Service Volunteer of the Month!
And Adrienne Dunmore is done for.
(LAUGHS) See? I'm having fun already.
(MUFFLED) Mom, the cake is great. All right? It's great.
Oh, Mom, Dad!
I love my new electronic organizer.
Oh! Well, we thought this was so you.
- STEVEN: Mm-hmm. - (EILEEN CHUCKLES)
- Happy birthday, sweetie. - Happy birthday.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, Donnie.
Mm. Pictures of you!
That's me playing baseball. Oh, and that's me working out.
And there I am on vacation.
You know what? I'm going to finish these later.
Oh, yeah. I understand. It's okay. (CHUCKLES)
Okay. Louis...
Can't wait to see your lovely gift.
Yeah, well, you're going to have to.
Oh, Lou, not again.
No, not again. Of course not. I got her something.
I got her, um...
a thing.
(LAUGHS)
It's a very, very nice thing, but it's a surprise.
So, if I tell her before she opens it, it will ruin everything.
Why don't you just give it to me?
Because, um...
I got it over the internet.
And, uh, you know, these things don't just pop out of the screen.
It'll be coming any day now.
I'm sure I'll like it when I see it.
Say, what are you doing this Saturday?
Volunteer work, as soon as I can find it.
- So if you'll excuse me... - Yeah, well, um,
maybe we could... have lunch?
- At the mall? - No. Louis, no.
Well, a wise man once said,
"A well-fed volunteer is a happy volunteer."
- (SCOFFS) - Yeah, but...
Yeah.
How am I going to get Ren to hang out at the mall...
with Ernie?
(KNOCKS)
Oh, hi, Ren. Uh, can I ask you something?
You just did. Bye.
(KNOCKS)
- Okay, can I ask you two things? - What?
All right, I have this idea for how you could get your, uh,
four volunteer hours in this weekend.
That's not a question but okay.
All right, there's this thing at school. It's called the... Adopt-a-Friend program.
Why are you telling me about this now?
LOUIS: Because I just thought of it now.
If you don't want to do it, fine.
But I bet Adrienne Dunmore will. Yeah.
I'm interested.
- Wait. You're... - I'm interested.
Oh. Anyways, I know this poor young boy.
Ernie Morton.
What a great guy. He is so giving.
(GIGGLES) Grow up.
LOUIS: And when a fellow student falls on hard times,
Ernie's right there to lend a helping hand.
He's just a simple, modest guy.
I mean, for Ernie, money has no meaning.
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
I think you'll like him.
(LOUIS SIGHS)
He's late.
Poor guy, he probably has to walk all the way here.
Yeah, well, let's hope he didn't break a sweat.
Well, well, well. Ren Stevens.
Wow. He's not what I expected.
There's a lot you won't see with Ernie, at first.
I've admired you for a long time.
That's nice.
I'm Ren Stevens, but you know that, don't you?
- Oh, booger check! - Louis!
Hey, hey. How you doing?
Ernie, I just want you to know
that you can talk to me about anything.
I'll be a good friend to you. I listen.
Really? Could you excuse us a sec?
Sure.
Man, I don't know what you did to get her here,
and I don't care. This is so cool.
Look, I'm just not feeling you and my sister together anymore, all right?
How about not feeling you and this together anymore?
REN: Ernie!
You can talk to my brother anytime, but you only have...
three hours and 56 minutes left with me.
Be right there.
You better be very nice to her, all right? Very nice.
Hey, don't sweat it, Lou-Lou.
And if you get any urges to pick your nose, you just... Just say no. All right?
Oh... the card.
Uh-uh.
I'll give you the card at the end of the day.
Yeah, okay. All right. No problem.
Right after I get my goodbye kiss.
Problem.
(INAUDIBLE)
Hi, guys.
- Hi. - Hi.
TAWNY: I didn't know you two were friends.
Oh, yeah. But during school, you know,
I like to keep my popularity on the down-low.
(STAMMERING) Oh, you... You... You thought...
(REN LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)
Actually, Tawny, Ernie's part of the, uh...
Safe!
Louis, what are you doing here?
- Who? - You.
Me. Um...
Hey, Tawny, I, uh, got some new shoes. Thought I'd try them out.
I think I spotted the problem. (LAUGHS)
Hey, Tawny, you want to come with me and make sure I get the right shoes on?
Hmm... no.
(LAUGHS)
Isn't she funny? She's funny.
How about I go buy you a corn dog and you two can get back to your, uh...
whatever. Ciao. Let's get a corn dog.
I got to go potty. (STOMACH RUMBLING)
(EXHALES) This might take a while.
Hey, you want to take a picture?
You want to take a picture with me?
Yeah, sure. It'll be fun.
Ernie, I want to thank you for a wonderful afternoon.
- Really? - Absolutely.
I'm getting as much out of this as you are. (LAUGHS)
Wait a minute. I thought you said that...
you wouldn't give this to me until my sister kissed you.
I got something better than a kiss. She likes me.
My sister, Ren, likes... What?
ERNIE: Her exact words were,
"Ernie, I want to thank you for a wonderful afternoon."
LOUIS: No gunk, no dirt, no food stains.
- It's perfect. - There's no other one like it.
But you earned it.
REN: Here's my report on the Adopt-A-Friend program.
I typed my responses on all four forms.
COUNSELLOR: Oh, you didn't have to do that.
Oh, it was nothing! (LAUGHS)
It's like my dad always says, "Good, better, best never stopped to rest
until the good is better and the better, best."
Uh-huh.
So, did the four hours I put in on the weekend put me ahead of, oh, say,
Adrienne Dunmore for Service Volunteer of the Month?
Not that it's important.
Well, that would make you the winner.
- Yes! - Unfortunately,
there is no Adopt-A-Friend program.
There has to be.
I wouldn't have spent all Saturday afternoon
at the South Creek mall if there were no program.
There isn't, and you did.
There has to be some mistake. I...
(STAMMERING) I spent the day with a very, very needy boy,
Ernie Morton. See?
Looks like a date to me.
It's not a date! (ECHOING)
(CHUCKLES) It was a date, all right.
One of the most popular girls in school digs me!
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hi.
- Oh, my God! - Right?
What?
- Oh, look at you! - (LAUGHS)
- Hi, Ren. - What is going on here?
Did anyone ever tell you blue is your color?
Jewel...
Okay, but before I say anything,
I want you to know this is not a total tragedy.
But... everybody thinks your main guy is, um, Ernie Morton.
What part of that is not a total tragedy?
Well... Okay, you know when you transfer schools?
Hey, I'll go with you.
Hey, Ren.
I've been thinking about us hanging out together on a regular basis.
Are you telling people that I'm your girlfriend?
No. I'm just telling them that we're moving in that direction.
(SIGHS)
My brother is in deep trouble.
Oh, by the way, instead of the mall...
tonight, my place. Be there.
Ernie Morton, I wouldn't hang out with you if you were the last boy on earth.
No, I'm sorry. If you were the last boy in the universe.
No, if you were the last boy ever!
Ever!
(LAUGHING)
So, was your plan worth it?
REN: Louis!
I am going to twist you into a pretzel,
break you into crumbs and feed you to the birds!
Louis, I know you sold me out for the Roaring Drycon card
and I know you're in here. Louis!
Man, tell 20 or 30 lies and right away you're a bad guy.
Louis?
What are you doing back there?
Um... just hanging out.
How could you?
I have a reputation at school. Well, not anymore.
How am I supposed to show my face there again, hmm?
May I suggest plastic surgery?
Ha ha ha.
This is a new low, even for you, Louis.
You know what? When you hear what I did...
you're going to want to hug me.
Trust me, there is nothing that you could possibly say
that would make me want to hug you.
You see that gift on my bed?
It's for you. Happy birthday.
I saw you looking at it at the mall.
Louis, it's...
It's lovely.
- What was that for? - Because it's beautiful.
Nobody ever gives me stuff like this.
All I ever get is practical stuff, and...
the pictures of Donnie, but this is really thoughtful.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
What now?
'Cause you bought this gift with money you got for setting me up with Ernie.
That's true.
All right, I admit it, what I did was wrong.
What you did was wrong, too.
Excuse me?
I mean, before you knew this was all a setup,
you really thought Ernie needed your help, right?
- I guess. - You did.
That's not why you went.
You went so you can get your hours in to beat out Adrienne Dunmore
for Service Volunteer of the Month.
You spent the entire afternoon with Ernie, and you don't know anything about him.
You're right.
Wait. Wait, Ren?
Ren, are you going to leave me here?
Ren? Ren?
I'm really sorry.
I guess I wanted something so bad, I didn't think.
I should have known.
You and your stuck-up, popular friends,
you'd never hang out with anyone who wasn't a... pretty boy.
- Unless it was for school credit. - That's not true.
Oh, no? How many guys like me have you hung out with?
- Yeah, I thought so. - (REN SIGHS)
It has nothing to do with the way you look.
If you didn't act like such a jerk I know a lot of cool people
who would want to go to the mall and hang out with you.
Well, I guess I could have behaved a little better.
A lot better.
(LAUGHS)
Um, I think that...
this belongs to you.
- What's this? - Well, my brother...
he traded in your Roaring Drycon card to buy a gift for me.
Wow.
He must really like you.
Yeah... I guess he does.
- Hey, now that we're friends... - Mm-hmm?
Can I have a hug? You know, one friend to another?
Sure. One friend to another.
(CAMERA CLICKING)
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)