1 00:00:07,275 --> 00:00:09,000 CHAP: Ch-Ch-Cheerio! 2 00:00:09,103 --> 00:00:10,517 And welcome to tonight's 3 00:00:10,620 --> 00:00:12,103 Bareknuckle Boxing Championship bout, 4 00:00:12,206 --> 00:00:14,068 where the action is set to get underway 5 00:00:14,172 --> 00:00:16,448 in just a matter of metric seconds. 6 00:00:16,551 --> 00:00:18,758 In one corner, we've got the champ himself, 7 00:00:18,862 --> 00:00:20,793 the undefeated Prince of Punches, 8 00:00:20,896 --> 00:00:24,379 the Lord of Long Armspan, Punchy Dunkins. 9 00:00:24,482 --> 00:00:26,241 And our challenger... 10 00:00:27,068 --> 00:00:27,965 [drumroll] 11 00:00:28,068 --> 00:00:29,689 ...Pee-Wee Pipsqueak. 12 00:00:29,793 --> 00:00:31,275 [man coughs] 13 00:00:31,379 --> 00:00:34,896 Please get prepared for some pugilism! 14 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:36,275 [cheering] 15 00:00:36,379 --> 00:00:38,586 Now let's watch as Pee-Wee is pummeled 16 00:00:38,689 --> 00:00:41,275 into human jam before our very eyes. 17 00:00:44,103 --> 00:00:46,206 - [crowd gasps] - Down goes Punchy! 18 00:00:46,310 --> 00:00:49,379 Eight, nine. Cock and hen. It's a knockout! 19 00:00:49,482 --> 00:00:52,551 [bell dings] -And Pipsqueak has defeated the champ. 20 00:00:52,655 --> 00:00:54,275 Unbelievable! 21 00:00:59,379 --> 00:01:01,724 Yeah, he went down like a ton of bricks. 22 00:01:01,827 --> 00:01:03,241 So, what's the gig, Nigella? 23 00:01:03,344 --> 00:01:05,241 You hiring us to look for that coffee filter 24 00:01:05,344 --> 00:01:06,931 Shakespeare called a collar? 25 00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:08,310 His Elizabethan Ruff? 26 00:01:08,413 --> 00:01:09,689 That's actually rather a good idea. 27 00:01:09,793 --> 00:01:10,965 I'll make a note, but no. 28 00:01:11,068 --> 00:01:13,344 I've someone I'd like you to meet. 29 00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:15,068 The Lord of Long Armspan?! 30 00:01:15,172 --> 00:01:18,068 Let me guess. He's a big, scary guy, but when he talks, 31 00:01:18,172 --> 00:01:20,586 he has a funny voice like Mike Tyson. 32 00:01:25,413 --> 00:01:27,620 [high-pitched voice]: 'Ello. Nice to meet you. 33 00:01:27,724 --> 00:01:30,172 I was right! -Punchy, tell them what you told me. 34 00:01:30,275 --> 00:01:32,000 Well, everybody knows me training ritual. 35 00:01:32,103 --> 00:01:35,172 I've one very strict rule: no shags the night before a fight. 36 00:01:35,275 --> 00:01:37,172 That's right. You abstain from sex before boxing 37 00:01:37,275 --> 00:01:39,000 because it saps your strength. 38 00:01:39,103 --> 00:01:41,413 On the eve of the championship, I called for room service. 39 00:01:41,517 --> 00:01:43,206 - An order of crisps... - Chips. 40 00:01:43,310 --> 00:01:44,827 - And an order of chips. - Fries. 41 00:01:44,931 --> 00:01:46,862 Even though I knew the carbs'd go straight to me fanny. 42 00:01:46,965 --> 00:01:48,517 - U.S. or U.K.? Butt. - U.S. 43 00:01:48,620 --> 00:01:50,137 When the bellman arrived in me room, 44 00:01:50,241 --> 00:01:51,517 he started reciting a poem. 45 00:01:51,620 --> 00:01:53,034 I-I don't recall the words, 46 00:01:53,137 --> 00:01:54,275 but it was quite beautiful, actually. 47 00:01:54,379 --> 00:01:55,586 And-and by the time he finished, 48 00:01:55,689 --> 00:01:57,517 I, uh... I climaxed. 49 00:01:57,620 --> 00:01:59,724 Well, then, I guess the legend 'tis true. 50 00:01:59,827 --> 00:02:03,034 Someone has found Shakespeare's Lost Sonnet. 51 00:02:03,137 --> 00:02:04,482 Okay, I'm going to need you to... 52 00:02:04,586 --> 00:02:06,517 [imitates tape rewinding] ...rewind. 53 00:02:06,620 --> 00:02:09,586 Okay, that was very cool. Now, here comes the explanation. 54 00:02:09,689 --> 00:02:11,413 There have long been whispers 55 00:02:11,517 --> 00:02:13,620 that the immortal Bard once wrote a sonnet so romantic, 56 00:02:13,724 --> 00:02:16,137 so passionate, so heartbreakingly amorous, 57 00:02:16,241 --> 00:02:18,655 that simply hearing it would cause any listener 58 00:02:18,758 --> 00:02:23,172 to become aroused to the point of biological climax on sight. 59 00:02:23,275 --> 00:02:25,448 - You mean shoot ropes? - Precisely, yes. 60 00:02:25,551 --> 00:02:27,689 Wow. I knew he wrote the source material 61 00:02:27,793 --> 00:02:30,275 for 10 Things I Hate About You, but he also wrote a poem? 62 00:02:30,379 --> 00:02:32,275 When he realized the sonnet's power, 63 00:02:32,379 --> 00:02:33,862 he hid it away from the world. 64 00:02:33,965 --> 00:02:36,068 I'd never encountered any proof of its existence, 65 00:02:36,172 --> 00:02:39,344 but like a casual Fleetwood Mac fan, I'd heard rumors. 66 00:02:39,448 --> 00:02:41,896 And now let me guess. You want us to track it down 67 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,034 so you can keep it safe within your archives. 68 00:02:44,137 --> 00:02:46,689 Would a rose by any other name smell as sweet? 69 00:02:46,793 --> 00:02:49,620 I can't help but imagine it would. 70 00:02:50,655 --> 00:02:52,689 ♪ ♪ 71 00:03:11,965 --> 00:03:14,827 ♪ ♪ 72 00:03:25,827 --> 00:03:27,965 - [phone ringing] - Talk to me, Agatha. 73 00:03:28,068 --> 00:03:30,482 Rip, I called every London bookie I know 74 00:03:30,586 --> 00:03:31,965 and found only one sizeable bet placed 75 00:03:32,068 --> 00:03:33,931 on that little guy the night of the fight. 76 00:03:34,034 --> 00:03:36,931 The bettor used a pseudonym, but called from a local pub 77 00:03:37,034 --> 00:03:38,448 where a bunch of stage actors hang out 78 00:03:38,551 --> 00:03:39,793 called "The Broken Keg," 79 00:03:39,896 --> 00:03:41,586 which is actually a pretty novel name. 80 00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:43,827 So I better put down the phone and laugh for a moment. 81 00:03:43,931 --> 00:03:45,517 [laughs softly] 82 00:03:45,620 --> 00:03:47,965 Looks like I'm going to have to go undercover. 83 00:03:48,068 --> 00:03:50,827 And when I go in, I go all in. 84 00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:53,172 Rip, no. Every time you go undercover, 85 00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:55,206 you get in too deep, and you can't come back. 86 00:03:55,310 --> 00:03:57,275 - Well, that's ridiculous. - No, it's not! 87 00:03:57,379 --> 00:03:59,551 What about the Winnipeg incident? 88 00:03:59,655 --> 00:04:02,379 This is nothing like the Winnipeg incident. 89 00:04:02,482 --> 00:04:04,241 - What's the Winnipeg incident? - I'm sorry, 90 00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:06,103 but you're just gonna have to trust my instincts here. 91 00:04:06,206 --> 00:04:08,689 Don't like it? There's the door. There's a complaint box on it. 92 00:04:08,793 --> 00:04:10,206 You're welcome to drop a complaint in it. 93 00:04:10,310 --> 00:04:11,551 You better believe I will. 94 00:04:11,655 --> 00:04:12,862 Your instincts nearly got you killed. 95 00:04:12,965 --> 00:04:14,862 But they didn't! Instead, they paid 96 00:04:14,965 --> 00:04:16,586 for that Starbucks gift card you're always reloading 97 00:04:16,689 --> 00:04:18,172 for double the points. 98 00:04:18,275 --> 00:04:20,413 - Guys, come on! You're friends! - I'll kill you! 99 00:04:20,517 --> 00:04:22,206 I'll have you arrested for homicide. -Guys! 100 00:04:22,310 --> 00:04:26,379 Fine, fine! But as of right now, I am no longer Rip Digman. 101 00:04:26,482 --> 00:04:29,724 The name's Doobie. Doobie McBooberton. 102 00:04:29,827 --> 00:04:31,517 Maybe we can work on the name? 103 00:04:31,620 --> 00:04:35,551 Oh, now even she's coming at me. Jesus Christ! 104 00:04:36,586 --> 00:04:39,448 [rock music plays quietly] 105 00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,379 [British accent]: 16 ounces of beer, please. 106 00:04:43,482 --> 00:04:45,793 Okay, here's a tongue twister for you. 107 00:04:45,896 --> 00:04:50,551 Red leather, yellow leather, red leather, yellow. [groans] 108 00:04:50,655 --> 00:04:52,034 [crowd cheers, applauds] 109 00:04:52,137 --> 00:04:53,896 A proper pot of coffee in a proper coffee pot. 110 00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,172 The pot acts all posh, but we know they are not. 111 00:04:57,275 --> 00:04:58,724 - [crowd cheers, applauds] - Ha! 112 00:04:58,827 --> 00:05:01,034 - [growls] - Got a problem, mate? 113 00:05:01,137 --> 00:05:04,206 I hear you laughing, but I don't see anyone performing 114 00:05:04,310 --> 00:05:06,655 - The Taming of the Shrew. - It's your friends. 115 00:05:06,758 --> 00:05:08,896 Their words couldn't twist the tongue of a toddler! 116 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:12,379 Well, if you think you can do better, the stage is yours. 117 00:05:12,482 --> 00:05:15,068 Unless it gives you... fright. 118 00:05:15,172 --> 00:05:16,724 [gulping] 119 00:05:16,827 --> 00:05:18,586 Saltine, Swooper, bail me out here! 120 00:05:18,689 --> 00:05:20,551 "World's hardest tongue twister." 121 00:05:20,655 --> 00:05:22,413 Got it. Repeat after me. 122 00:05:22,517 --> 00:05:23,758 A biscuit baker... 123 00:05:23,862 --> 00:05:25,482 Mixed a box of biscuits in his mixer. 124 00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:27,068 "Mixed biscuits?" cried the baker. 125 00:05:27,172 --> 00:05:29,000 - The mix betwixt the mixer. - SALTINE: Ow! 126 00:05:29,103 --> 00:05:31,034 - [muffled]: My tongue! - She sprained her tongue, Rip. 127 00:05:31,137 --> 00:05:33,758 - You got to take it from here. - Well. 128 00:05:33,862 --> 00:05:35,448 Ah. [laughs] 129 00:05:35,551 --> 00:05:37,172 [takes deep breath] 130 00:05:37,275 --> 00:05:40,413 So the biscuit baker mixed the mixes in his biscuit mixer 131 00:05:40,517 --> 00:05:43,206 as Seabiscuit sold his semen by the seashore by the liter. 132 00:05:43,310 --> 00:05:45,241 Lighted by the light on the ledger by the lighter, 133 00:05:45,344 --> 00:05:46,965 the letter read more lightly 134 00:05:47,068 --> 00:05:49,689 than a lady lightly looming lollies littered on a sweater. 135 00:05:49,793 --> 00:05:51,206 "Better wetter," said the swimmer, 136 00:05:51,310 --> 00:05:52,862 who was drier but not slimmer, 137 00:05:52,965 --> 00:05:54,827 and as limber as the timber of a soggy finger splinter. 138 00:05:54,931 --> 00:05:56,655 "Time for dinner, David Schwimmer!" 139 00:05:56,758 --> 00:05:58,862 said the weary biscuit mixer, whose elixir was a fixer 140 00:05:58,965 --> 00:06:01,379 and a fixture in the picture of the scripture for the richer, 141 00:06:01,482 --> 00:06:02,758 not the poorer. "Pour the mixture 142 00:06:02,862 --> 00:06:04,034 "with a soggy swimmer's sweater texture 143 00:06:04,137 --> 00:06:07,000 sprinkled by a sprinkler!" [panting] 144 00:06:09,379 --> 00:06:11,448 No notes. 145 00:06:11,551 --> 00:06:12,655 - [whoops] Brilliant! - [cheering] 146 00:06:12,758 --> 00:06:15,448 His tongue-- it has nary a knot! 147 00:06:15,551 --> 00:06:18,034 That twister would please Thespis himself. 148 00:06:18,137 --> 00:06:21,482 - What's your name? - Fourth. Wally Fourth. 149 00:06:21,586 --> 00:06:23,482 Come rehearse with us. The Englandshire Theater, 150 00:06:23,586 --> 00:06:25,172 tomorrow night at 10:00. 151 00:06:25,275 --> 00:06:27,379 - Thank you, ten. - SWOOPER: Rip, 152 00:06:27,482 --> 00:06:28,827 - you did it! - Rip? Who's Rip? 153 00:06:28,931 --> 00:06:31,724 Oh, right. Me. Almost got in too deep. 154 00:06:31,827 --> 00:06:34,068 - [ominous sting plays] - [phone beeps] 155 00:06:34,172 --> 00:06:36,896 - Sorry. That's my ringtone. - Yeah, you should change that. 156 00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:39,413 It gives me a great sense of unease! 157 00:06:43,413 --> 00:06:44,965 SWOOPER: Okay, Rip, once you're inside, all you 158 00:06:45,068 --> 00:06:46,448 got to do is locate and extract that missing sonnet. 159 00:06:46,551 --> 00:06:48,344 Don't get sucked in by his charisma. 160 00:06:48,448 --> 00:06:50,137 Come on, Swooper. What do you take me for? 161 00:06:50,241 --> 00:06:52,172 I'm serious, Rip! Saltine, I think 162 00:06:52,275 --> 00:06:54,586 he's going to be fine. The guy is rock solid. 163 00:06:54,689 --> 00:06:58,517 Wally Fourth, welcome to our humble home. 164 00:06:58,620 --> 00:07:01,965 Quite chic. How'd you land such a fit flat? 165 00:07:02,068 --> 00:07:05,758 Well, let's just say it was thanks to a recent lucky bet. 166 00:07:05,862 --> 00:07:09,034 - [laughter] - Everyone, lend me your ears. 167 00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:12,482 For too long, we have toiled as understudies, 168 00:07:12,586 --> 00:07:14,379 always waiting in the wings. 169 00:07:14,482 --> 00:07:16,379 We deserve the spotlight. 170 00:07:16,482 --> 00:07:18,275 Wow. This guy's charismatic as shit. 171 00:07:18,379 --> 00:07:22,172 But soon, we understudies shall become overstudies. 172 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,379 And we shall mount the greatest production 173 00:07:24,482 --> 00:07:26,137 of Hamlet the world has ever seen. 174 00:07:26,241 --> 00:07:28,379 We've already secured the greatest stage. 175 00:07:28,482 --> 00:07:31,000 Next, the greatest prop. For you see, 176 00:07:31,103 --> 00:07:34,310 playing the part of Yorick's skull will be... 177 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:37,517 the skull of The Bard himself. 178 00:07:37,620 --> 00:07:39,620 But isn't that at the Shakespeare Museum? 179 00:07:39,724 --> 00:07:42,931 Exactly. So we'll just have to liberate it. 180 00:07:43,034 --> 00:07:44,689 - Are you in? - SALTINE: No! Stay behind 181 00:07:44,793 --> 00:07:46,000 and look for the sonnet, Rip! 182 00:07:46,103 --> 00:07:48,241 SWOOPER: Don't betray the plan! 183 00:07:48,344 --> 00:07:49,862 You bet I am. 184 00:07:49,965 --> 00:07:51,793 Then let's go fetch that head bone. 185 00:07:51,896 --> 00:07:54,793 - [whooping, cheering] - Ha, ha! Yes! 186 00:07:55,620 --> 00:07:58,241 The skull is yonder. -SWOOPER: Rip, what are you doing?! 187 00:07:58,344 --> 00:08:00,827 We're supposed to be working for Nigella, not robbing her. 188 00:08:00,931 --> 00:08:02,413 You don't think I see the irony in this? 189 00:08:02,517 --> 00:08:03,827 Come on, Wally. 190 00:08:03,931 --> 00:08:07,275 Most excellent fancy. 191 00:08:07,379 --> 00:08:08,620 Hey! What's all this, then?! 192 00:08:08,724 --> 00:08:10,758 I'll give you one chance 193 00:08:10,862 --> 00:08:13,448 to put down your weapons and lay on the floor. 194 00:08:13,551 --> 00:08:16,068 - Or else what? - Or else... this. 195 00:08:16,172 --> 00:08:17,655 Wally, put these on! 196 00:08:17,758 --> 00:08:20,448 [clears throat] "Such sweeter form." 197 00:08:20,551 --> 00:08:23,862 - [continues reading sonnet] - GRACE: Now, Wally, put them on! 198 00:08:23,965 --> 00:08:25,344 - [muffled chatter] - [Rip panting] 199 00:08:25,448 --> 00:08:27,482 - We lost sound! - Don't panic! 200 00:08:27,586 --> 00:08:29,000 - Too late! Oh! - [glass breaks] 201 00:08:29,103 --> 00:08:33,344 - [indistinct, muffled chatter] - [Rip panting] 202 00:08:33,448 --> 00:08:36,517 [whimpers, pants] 203 00:08:36,620 --> 00:08:39,413 [muffled groaning] 204 00:08:39,517 --> 00:08:40,655 [both sigh] 205 00:08:40,758 --> 00:08:42,275 - [laughter] - [glass breaking] 206 00:08:42,379 --> 00:08:44,896 Come, Wally. Let's make haste. 207 00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:47,758 - To us-- The Understudies! - [others cheering] 208 00:08:47,862 --> 00:08:49,517 - Yeah! - MAN: Hear! Hear! 209 00:08:49,620 --> 00:08:51,172 Hey, Seb, say, what even is that? 210 00:08:51,275 --> 00:08:53,448 Oh, just something I found tucked away inside 211 00:08:53,551 --> 00:08:54,655 - a very old book. - Oh. 212 00:08:54,758 --> 00:08:56,241 And where do you usually keep it? 213 00:08:56,344 --> 00:08:59,103 [chuckles] That is something I'll take to the grave. 214 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:02,586 I like the way you handled yourself today, Wally. 215 00:09:02,689 --> 00:09:04,344 You're one of us now. 216 00:09:05,310 --> 00:09:08,758 Good night, my friend. Parting is such sweet... 217 00:09:08,862 --> 00:09:10,137 Well, you know the rest. 218 00:09:10,241 --> 00:09:12,137 - [laughs] - Sorrow. 219 00:09:12,241 --> 00:09:15,103 [gasps] I am an actor. 220 00:09:16,931 --> 00:09:18,551 Rip, where have you been? 221 00:09:18,655 --> 00:09:20,620 Oh, I think you've got the wrong chap. 222 00:09:20,724 --> 00:09:24,137 The name's Fourth. Wally Fourth. 223 00:09:25,206 --> 00:09:27,241 [indistinct chatter] 224 00:09:27,344 --> 00:09:30,965 Attention! The time has come to unveil the cast list 225 00:09:31,068 --> 00:09:33,344 for our most epic production of Hamlet. 226 00:09:33,448 --> 00:09:35,517 Behold! 227 00:09:35,620 --> 00:09:37,482 - [gasps] - Ooh. 228 00:09:37,586 --> 00:09:39,310 Gravedigger Number Two. 229 00:09:39,413 --> 00:09:41,551 You may not have many lines, but remember, for an actor, 230 00:09:41,655 --> 00:09:44,586 there's no such thing as a small role. 231 00:09:44,689 --> 00:09:46,103 - I agree! - Thank you, man with headband. 232 00:09:46,206 --> 00:09:47,793 I can't believe we get to perform Hamlet 233 00:09:47,896 --> 00:09:49,379 with Shakespeare's actual skull. 234 00:09:49,482 --> 00:09:52,172 That's got to be the most extreme acting there is. 235 00:09:52,275 --> 00:09:53,551 No, it's not. 236 00:09:53,655 --> 00:09:55,068 All right, here he goes again with his myth. 237 00:09:55,172 --> 00:09:57,793 Oh, 'tis no myth! Every 50 years, 238 00:09:57,896 --> 00:10:00,586 a majorly mondo tempest comes out of Antarctica 239 00:10:00,689 --> 00:10:02,413 and blasts the South Pacific. 240 00:10:02,517 --> 00:10:04,724 The most extreme acting would be to perform The Tempest 241 00:10:04,827 --> 00:10:07,068 in that tempest. 242 00:10:07,172 --> 00:10:09,827 It's happening next year. All are invited, Wally. 243 00:10:09,931 --> 00:10:11,551 - Then I'd better leave. - Where are you going? 244 00:10:11,655 --> 00:10:14,931 To find work as a gravedigger and truly live the role. 245 00:10:15,034 --> 00:10:18,275 For you see, when I go in, I doth go all in. 246 00:10:18,379 --> 00:10:21,241 Welcome back to ArkyTAINMENT This Evening! 247 00:10:21,344 --> 00:10:24,586 The theater world is abuzz with, well, buzz 248 00:10:24,689 --> 00:10:26,620 about actor Wally Fourth. 249 00:10:26,724 --> 00:10:29,275 Wally Fourth's turn as Gravedigger Number Two 250 00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:33,275 is the greatest non-Joker performance I've ever seen. 251 00:10:33,379 --> 00:10:34,827 DOREEN DONKER JR: And once the reviews were in, 252 00:10:34,931 --> 00:10:37,068 the television industry came a-calling. 253 00:10:37,172 --> 00:10:39,103 Wally walked 100 kilometers a day 254 00:10:39,206 --> 00:10:41,103 for the one-line role of Pedestrian 255 00:10:41,206 --> 00:10:44,586 in the hit BBC drama Small Cars Driving in the Left Lane. 256 00:10:44,689 --> 00:10:46,103 He went that way. 257 00:10:46,206 --> 00:10:48,068 He broke his own wrist for the role 258 00:10:48,172 --> 00:10:49,931 of Waiting Room Patient in the show 259 00:10:50,034 --> 00:10:51,793 Feeling a Bit Iffy, Are We? 260 00:10:51,896 --> 00:10:54,241 before a last-minute rewrite changed the injury. 261 00:10:54,344 --> 00:10:56,241 Hi. I think I broke my collarbone. 262 00:10:56,344 --> 00:10:57,551 What's next for Wally? 263 00:10:57,655 --> 00:10:59,827 Well, he's just been cast as Denim-Clad Dad 264 00:10:59,931 --> 00:11:01,620 in a commercial for Eegan Blue Jeans. 265 00:11:01,724 --> 00:11:02,931 And to prepare for the role, 266 00:11:03,034 --> 00:11:05,034 he's already adopted a small child. 267 00:11:05,137 --> 00:11:09,172 - We've lost him. - That's so, so, so sad. 268 00:11:09,275 --> 00:11:11,000 Dibs on his flat-screen. 269 00:11:14,896 --> 00:11:16,793 - Okay, Rip's birth certificate? - Toss it. 270 00:11:16,896 --> 00:11:18,931 - Rip's beloved childhood sled? - Toss it. 271 00:11:19,034 --> 00:11:21,379 I just don't see how this is necessary. 272 00:11:21,482 --> 00:11:24,620 Rip's gone, dear. I got to get all his belongings logged 273 00:11:24,724 --> 00:11:27,827 and incinerated by the end of the month for tax purposes. 274 00:11:27,931 --> 00:11:29,620 - Rip's petty cash? - Toss it. 275 00:11:29,724 --> 00:11:31,586 Wait. How did Rip come back from the Winnipeg incident? 276 00:11:31,689 --> 00:11:34,551 I told you never to say those words around me ever again! 277 00:11:34,655 --> 00:11:36,000 - No, you didn't! - Well, I meant to! 278 00:11:36,103 --> 00:11:38,000 He finished the original mission. 279 00:11:38,103 --> 00:11:41,034 He said that made him remember his true purpose in life-- 280 00:11:41,137 --> 00:11:43,758 to become the greatest arky of all time. 281 00:11:43,862 --> 00:11:45,517 After that, he was Rip again. 282 00:11:45,620 --> 00:11:46,862 So if he came back last time, 283 00:11:46,965 --> 00:11:48,586 why are you guys giving up so easily? 284 00:11:48,689 --> 00:11:50,068 Shouldn't we be trying to save him? 285 00:11:50,172 --> 00:11:51,827 Saltine, he's a famous actor now. 286 00:11:51,931 --> 00:11:53,275 He doesn't want to be saved. 287 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:55,586 It's clearly simpler to just burn everything 288 00:11:55,689 --> 00:11:57,482 and start our lives over from scratch. 289 00:11:57,586 --> 00:11:59,965 Screw that. I worked too hard to get this job. 290 00:12:00,068 --> 00:12:02,068 If he came back once, he can come back again. 291 00:12:02,172 --> 00:12:04,241 We just need Wally to pick up where Rip left off 292 00:12:04,344 --> 00:12:06,413 and find the sonnet for the Shakespeare Museum. 293 00:12:06,517 --> 00:12:09,827 And how are we going to get showbiz's hottest method actor 294 00:12:09,931 --> 00:12:12,000 - to do that? - [gasps] I know what we can do. 295 00:12:12,103 --> 00:12:13,862 That's great, dear. We'll get on it 296 00:12:13,965 --> 00:12:15,586 as soon as we finish up here. 297 00:12:15,689 --> 00:12:17,206 - Rip's stick of dynamite? - Toss it. 298 00:12:17,310 --> 00:12:18,896 - [dramatic music plays] - ZANE: Honor, 299 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:20,896 heritage, tradition, 300 00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,172 a rooster weather vein. 301 00:12:23,275 --> 00:12:26,344 Eegan Blue Jeans, one of the 7,200 subsidiaries 302 00:12:26,448 --> 00:12:27,827 of EeganCorp. 303 00:12:27,931 --> 00:12:29,862 And cut. Great take. 304 00:12:29,965 --> 00:12:31,517 I'm so glad I directed this myself. 305 00:12:31,620 --> 00:12:34,275 You're Wally Fourth, right? Ah, your aces, bruv. 306 00:12:34,379 --> 00:12:37,000 You know, you'd be a dead ringer for my old boss Rip Digman, 307 00:12:37,103 --> 00:12:39,068 if you didn't have that scar or dark hair. 308 00:12:39,172 --> 00:12:41,379 Bet you do, so, never mind. Uh, you want to party after we wrap? 309 00:12:41,482 --> 00:12:42,620 Don't know what you're talking about. 310 00:12:42,724 --> 00:12:44,034 I'm just a modest farmer. 311 00:12:44,137 --> 00:12:45,413 I got to tend to my dying crops 312 00:12:45,517 --> 00:12:47,379 and my beloved little young boy son. 313 00:12:47,482 --> 00:12:50,310 - You do your homework, lad? - I swear I did, Pop. I promise. 314 00:12:50,413 --> 00:12:52,413 Actually, you know what? I think I got all I need. 315 00:12:52,517 --> 00:12:53,931 - That's a wrap. - Whoo! 316 00:12:54,034 --> 00:12:55,413 [British accent]: Let's fucking rage! 317 00:12:55,517 --> 00:12:57,724 - Back to the orphanage, bub. - But you adopted me. 318 00:12:57,827 --> 00:12:59,517 - No, Denim-Clad Dad adopted you. - [phone rings] 319 00:12:59,620 --> 00:13:01,482 [boy cries] -Hold on. This is my agent. Talk to me. 320 00:13:01,586 --> 00:13:03,310 A film? Brilliant! 321 00:13:03,413 --> 00:13:04,586 SWOOPER [with gruff voice]: Wally Fourth. 322 00:13:04,689 --> 00:13:06,103 Just the man I want to see. 323 00:13:06,206 --> 00:13:08,758 I'm Don Sleaze, and here at Sleaze Pictures, 324 00:13:08,862 --> 00:13:11,689 we make highbrow art films that take home Oscar gold. 325 00:13:11,793 --> 00:13:13,344 Huh. The name is misleading. 326 00:13:13,448 --> 00:13:16,275 We've got the perfect project for you to sink your teeth into. 327 00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:18,275 - Bring me the script. - I'm Jill Filth! 328 00:13:18,379 --> 00:13:20,068 Pleasure to meet you, Mr. Fourth. 329 00:13:20,172 --> 00:13:22,000 Ooh, look at that physique. 330 00:13:22,103 --> 00:13:25,551 You'd be perfect for this. Boopy de doopsy! 331 00:13:25,655 --> 00:13:28,034 The Rip Digman Story. Hot off the press. 332 00:13:28,137 --> 00:13:30,896 We want youse to play Rip Digman. 333 00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:32,931 The has-been arky? Interesting. 334 00:13:33,034 --> 00:13:36,689 But if I take this role, I am going to live as Rip Digman. 335 00:13:36,793 --> 00:13:38,000 Do you think you could hook me up 336 00:13:38,103 --> 00:13:39,482 with his old coworkers for research? 337 00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:40,896 Oh, I think that could be arranged. 338 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:41,931 That should be no problem at all. 339 00:13:42,034 --> 00:13:43,758 Is this how he walks? 340 00:13:43,862 --> 00:13:45,310 [grunting] 341 00:13:45,413 --> 00:13:46,689 [chittering] 342 00:13:46,793 --> 00:13:48,103 ♪ ♪ 343 00:13:50,310 --> 00:13:53,206 - How about this? [grunting] - [chittering] 344 00:13:53,310 --> 00:13:56,206 The seat goes up for number one and down for number two. 345 00:13:56,310 --> 00:13:58,103 I'm sorry. I just don't follow. 346 00:13:58,206 --> 00:14:00,137 Oh, what about something like...? 347 00:14:00,241 --> 00:14:01,793 - Ooh! [grunts] - [chittering] 348 00:14:01,896 --> 00:14:03,517 [normal voice]: Okay, very funny. 349 00:14:03,620 --> 00:14:05,275 Hey, I sound just like him. 350 00:14:05,379 --> 00:14:07,275 [snoring] -I got to say, I'm feeling more and more 351 00:14:07,379 --> 00:14:09,758 like this Rip chap all the time. 352 00:14:09,862 --> 00:14:11,482 Wish I had a little more backstory, though. 353 00:14:11,586 --> 00:14:13,172 W-What was he doing before he disappeared? 354 00:14:13,275 --> 00:14:15,241 He was trying to find Shakespeare's lost sonnet 355 00:14:15,344 --> 00:14:16,965 by infiltrating a production of Hamlet. 356 00:14:17,068 --> 00:14:18,275 Maybe you could complete the mission. 357 00:14:18,379 --> 00:14:20,103 An undercover job, eh? Let me guess. 358 00:14:20,206 --> 00:14:22,137 When Rip would go in, he'd go all... 359 00:14:22,241 --> 00:14:24,965 No! Rip would only ever go partially in. 360 00:14:25,068 --> 00:14:26,413 You can just be Rip. 361 00:14:26,517 --> 00:14:27,758 He never learned where the sonnet was hidden. 362 00:14:27,862 --> 00:14:29,103 But the actor who had it said 363 00:14:29,206 --> 00:14:30,482 he'd take that info "to the grave." 364 00:14:30,586 --> 00:14:32,034 Well, if it's a production of Hamlet, 365 00:14:32,137 --> 00:14:34,310 maybe he meant Ophelia's grave. 366 00:14:34,413 --> 00:14:36,689 - Beneath the stage! - Swoopy, fire up the plane. 367 00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:39,448 We're headed to London, England. 368 00:14:39,551 --> 00:14:41,206 It's "Swooper," but okay. 369 00:14:42,551 --> 00:14:45,241 Hey, hey, you're the actors who are doing Hamlet, right? 370 00:14:45,344 --> 00:14:46,793 Indeed. 371 00:14:46,896 --> 00:14:49,137 Bartender, I'd like to buy these kind folks a round... 372 00:14:49,241 --> 00:14:51,758 - of steaming hot piss! - What the devil?! 373 00:14:51,862 --> 00:14:53,482 The person you've got playing Gravedigger Number Two 374 00:14:53,586 --> 00:14:55,482 can't act for shit. There, I said it. 375 00:14:55,586 --> 00:14:58,482 'Tis true. Ever since Wally left, 376 00:14:58,586 --> 00:15:01,206 we've been going through one replacement after another. 377 00:15:01,310 --> 00:15:02,689 The play is terrible now. 378 00:15:02,793 --> 00:15:05,034 You're right to order piss for us to drink. 379 00:15:05,137 --> 00:15:06,724 Why don't you let me play the part? 380 00:15:06,827 --> 00:15:08,137 I'm a goddamn arky. 381 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,034 Wait just a Big Ben tick. 382 00:15:10,137 --> 00:15:11,517 Aren't you Rip Digman? 383 00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:14,000 Yup. My whole life is going on digs. 384 00:15:14,103 --> 00:15:17,931 Good Lord, you're right. Hell, even your name is "dig man." 385 00:15:18,034 --> 00:15:20,689 Oh, yeah, it is, isn't it? Never really put that together. 386 00:15:20,793 --> 00:15:22,724 This is so mental, 387 00:15:22,827 --> 00:15:25,931 it just may bloody work. 388 00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:28,206 [indistinct chatter] 389 00:15:28,310 --> 00:15:30,965 I pray this isn't utterly dreadful. 390 00:15:32,137 --> 00:15:34,379 Looks like the trap door where the sonnet is hidden is locked. 391 00:15:34,482 --> 00:15:36,172 But I think I know a way around it. 392 00:15:36,275 --> 00:15:37,620 SWOOPER: Maybe we can get it after the show. 393 00:15:37,724 --> 00:15:39,655 No, I've got a better idea. 394 00:15:40,793 --> 00:15:42,689 [applause] 395 00:15:42,793 --> 00:15:45,827 Get thee to... a nunnery! 396 00:15:45,931 --> 00:15:49,068 Where is the beauteous majesty... 397 00:15:49,172 --> 00:15:51,448 of Denmark? 398 00:15:51,551 --> 00:15:53,758 - Showtime, mate. - Let's give these boards 399 00:15:53,862 --> 00:15:55,482 the trodding of their lives. 400 00:15:55,586 --> 00:15:57,586 Is she to be buried in Christian burial, 401 00:15:57,689 --> 00:15:59,758 that willfully seeks her own salvation? 402 00:15:59,862 --> 00:16:01,551 Yup! Let's dig! 403 00:16:01,655 --> 00:16:03,862 - [audience gasping] - Go, get thee in, 404 00:16:03,965 --> 00:16:05,655 and fetch me a stoop of liquor. 405 00:16:05,758 --> 00:16:08,172 Actually, I shall not fetch thee a stoop. 406 00:16:08,275 --> 00:16:10,655 I shall continue... to dig! 407 00:16:10,758 --> 00:16:12,758 [gasps] What the hell are you doing?! 408 00:16:12,862 --> 00:16:15,344 What I do best. [grunts] 409 00:16:15,448 --> 00:16:17,551 - Aha! - Dear God, no. 410 00:16:17,655 --> 00:16:20,275 [grunts] En garde, Rip Digman! 411 00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:23,310 [laughs] Wow. Break the fourth wall much? 412 00:16:27,517 --> 00:16:29,310 - Parry! Fleche! Flunge! - [grunts] 413 00:16:29,413 --> 00:16:30,655 - Uh, guys, am I good at fencing? - [grunting] 414 00:16:30,758 --> 00:16:32,551 - SALTINE: No. - Oh, that's too bad, 415 00:16:32,655 --> 00:16:34,517 because Wally just completed an expert-level fencing course. 416 00:16:34,620 --> 00:16:36,275 But I will not draw upon those skills. 417 00:16:36,379 --> 00:16:37,793 - Ugh. - You didn't know that! 418 00:16:37,896 --> 00:16:39,206 How could you have known that?! 419 00:16:39,310 --> 00:16:41,068 - [grunts] - [audience gasping] 420 00:16:41,172 --> 00:16:43,310 - It's Wally Fourth! - [applause and cheering] 421 00:16:43,413 --> 00:16:45,241 No, no, no, no, no. I'm Rip! I'm Rip! 422 00:16:45,344 --> 00:16:47,448 - Give me the sonnet. - [grunting] 423 00:16:47,551 --> 00:16:50,413 You're going to jail. -I don't care what happens to me, 424 00:16:50,517 --> 00:16:52,517 but this sonnet shouldn't be locked away. 425 00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:55,758 Let me read it, here, now, for the people. 426 00:16:55,862 --> 00:16:59,241 I know the real Wally is in there somewhere. 427 00:16:59,344 --> 00:17:01,068 Don't let him have that sonnet, Rip! 428 00:17:02,931 --> 00:17:05,275 [British accent]: The name's Wally, not Rip. 429 00:17:05,379 --> 00:17:06,655 Oh, goddamn it. 430 00:17:06,758 --> 00:17:08,034 And I'm not an arky. 431 00:17:08,137 --> 00:17:11,310 I am an actor. [grunts] 432 00:17:11,413 --> 00:17:12,689 We have to get in there and stop him. 433 00:17:12,793 --> 00:17:14,034 Not anymore, Saltine. 434 00:17:14,137 --> 00:17:15,758 We have to trust his instincts. 435 00:17:15,862 --> 00:17:17,862 You're the one who didn't trust his instincts earlier. 436 00:17:17,965 --> 00:17:20,034 What possibly convinced you to trust them now? 437 00:17:20,137 --> 00:17:21,827 I'm too tired to walk in there. 438 00:17:21,931 --> 00:17:23,275 We just flew to England! 439 00:17:23,379 --> 00:17:26,379 [audience murmuring] 440 00:17:26,482 --> 00:17:28,862 - Lights, please. - [lights clack on] 441 00:17:28,965 --> 00:17:30,000 [audience whispering] 442 00:17:30,103 --> 00:17:31,068 [clears throat] 443 00:17:31,172 --> 00:17:33,931 A sonnet by William Shakespeare. 444 00:17:34,034 --> 00:17:35,310 [audience gasping] 445 00:17:35,413 --> 00:17:39,896 "Such sweet a form thy body and thy skin 446 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:44,137 "and charms, that thou hath learned to preen and show. 447 00:17:44,241 --> 00:17:47,413 "But I desire what lieth deep within, 448 00:17:47,517 --> 00:17:51,206 "the part of thee that only thou yet know. 449 00:17:51,310 --> 00:17:55,241 "Oh, how mine poenis plumpens when you're near! 450 00:17:55,344 --> 00:17:58,689 "To see thy comely form all squished and smushed, 451 00:17:58,793 --> 00:18:02,551 "mine humors boil forsooth and roar arear. 452 00:18:02,655 --> 00:18:06,965 "And lo, unto my britches poenis pushest. 453 00:18:07,068 --> 00:18:09,724 "But what is silhouetted on the wall? 454 00:18:09,827 --> 00:18:11,413 "A shapely maiden? Nay. 455 00:18:11,517 --> 00:18:14,000 "My poenis 'tis. It's back. 456 00:18:14,103 --> 00:18:16,517 "In powdered wig and child's shawl, 457 00:18:16,620 --> 00:18:19,758 "for thine delight to dance a merry jig. 458 00:18:19,862 --> 00:18:23,758 "And now, as one, our seeds shall both be sowed, 459 00:18:23,862 --> 00:18:29,379 as your sweet maidenhood meets my stout chode." 460 00:18:29,482 --> 00:18:30,551 [grunts] 461 00:18:30,655 --> 00:18:32,551 - [squeals] - [groans] -Ah! 462 00:18:32,655 --> 00:18:34,689 [groaning, grunting, whimpering] 463 00:18:34,793 --> 00:18:36,275 [sighs] 464 00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,310 [applause and cheering] 465 00:18:43,862 --> 00:18:45,344 [grunts] 466 00:18:45,448 --> 00:18:46,827 Breaking news out of London. 467 00:18:46,931 --> 00:18:48,931 William Shakespeare's skull has been recovered 468 00:18:49,034 --> 00:18:51,793 by police and returned to the Shakespeare Museum. 469 00:18:51,896 --> 00:18:55,586 Stage actor Sebastian Lines has been found guilty on all counts 470 00:18:55,689 --> 00:18:58,103 and shipped to the penal colony of Australia. 471 00:18:58,206 --> 00:19:01,172 They should really update the law. It's very nice here. 472 00:19:01,275 --> 00:19:02,862 And ever since being recited publicly, 473 00:19:02,965 --> 00:19:05,827 Shakespeare's lost sonnet has spread like wildfire. 474 00:19:05,931 --> 00:19:07,655 And as global orgasms skyrocket, 475 00:19:07,758 --> 00:19:09,793 so too have sales of Eegan Blue Jeans. 476 00:19:09,896 --> 00:19:14,103 ZANE: Jeans so tough, so rugged, so resilient. 477 00:19:14,206 --> 00:19:16,379 - [honks] - [panting] 478 00:19:16,482 --> 00:19:18,206 Good luck creamin' them. 479 00:19:20,344 --> 00:19:21,896 Query for you chaps. 480 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:23,448 I noticed a door in the garage 481 00:19:23,551 --> 00:19:25,206 that says Rip's Secret Chamber. 482 00:19:25,310 --> 00:19:26,793 Am I allowed to go in there for research? 483 00:19:26,896 --> 00:19:28,689 - Do whatever you want, Wally. - Cheers. 484 00:19:28,793 --> 00:19:31,482 I don't get why he didn't revert to being Rip. 485 00:19:31,586 --> 00:19:32,482 He finished the mission. 486 00:19:32,586 --> 00:19:33,931 Yeah, I was only guessing 487 00:19:34,034 --> 00:19:35,482 that that's what would bring him back. 488 00:19:35,586 --> 00:19:37,275 I'm not a shrink, Saltine. 489 00:19:37,379 --> 00:19:39,137 Huh. Whoop. 490 00:19:39,241 --> 00:19:40,793 [gasps] 491 00:19:40,896 --> 00:19:42,551 [whistles] 492 00:19:46,862 --> 00:19:49,103 Well, aren't you fit. 493 00:19:49,206 --> 00:19:50,206 [gasps] 494 00:19:50,310 --> 00:19:53,448 ♪ ♪ 495 00:19:57,862 --> 00:19:58,965 [roaring] 496 00:19:59,068 --> 00:20:00,379 [grunting] 497 00:20:03,206 --> 00:20:06,275 [gasps] I remember my true purpose in life. 498 00:20:06,379 --> 00:20:08,413 - [Rip yelling] - [birds squawking] 499 00:20:08,517 --> 00:20:11,241 - What was that? - Everything okay, Wally? 500 00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:14,310 Who's Wally? It's me, Rip. 501 00:20:14,413 --> 00:20:16,862 Oh, man, I went in too deep again, didn't I? 502 00:20:16,965 --> 00:20:19,310 - Rip, you're back. - Yeah, I guess I am. 503 00:20:19,413 --> 00:20:21,586 Just like the Winnipeg incident. 504 00:20:21,689 --> 00:20:24,172 No, this was nothing like the Winnipeg incident. 505 00:20:24,275 --> 00:20:26,551 Will you please just tell me what was the Winnipeg incident? 506 00:20:26,655 --> 00:20:28,724 Well, there was a missing poem that made people orgasm 507 00:20:28,827 --> 00:20:31,000 and Rip had to disguise himself as an actor to get it back. 508 00:20:31,103 --> 00:20:33,310 How was that any different than this? 509 00:20:33,413 --> 00:20:34,896 It happened in March, not May. 510 00:20:35,000 --> 00:20:37,413 So this was just a big waste of my time? 511 00:20:37,517 --> 00:20:40,103 Or was it so funny that you actually don't mind? 512 00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:43,241 I agree. It's funny in theory. It's just not my kind of humor. 513 00:20:43,344 --> 00:20:46,827 Well, I guess everyone has their own taste. 514 00:20:46,931 --> 00:20:48,931 [laughter] 515 00:20:49,034 --> 00:20:50,827 It's good to be back! 516 00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:01,068 I knew you wouldn't miss the 50-year tempest. 517 00:21:01,172 --> 00:21:03,000 [scoffs] Wally Fourth. 518 00:21:03,103 --> 00:21:04,896 It's not Wally Fourth anymore. 519 00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:06,172 I'm Rip Digman. 520 00:21:06,275 --> 00:21:08,551 - Are you? - [gasps] 521 00:21:08,655 --> 00:21:12,620 You are just in time for my one- man performance of The Tempest. 522 00:21:14,344 --> 00:21:17,310 Time to dance with the universe. 523 00:21:17,413 --> 00:21:19,620 [grunting] 524 00:21:21,379 --> 00:21:24,103 Boson! Here, master: what cheer? 525 00:21:24,206 --> 00:21:25,758 Good. Speak to the mariners: 526 00:21:25,862 --> 00:21:28,517 Fall to't, yarely, or we run ourselves aground. Bestir-- 527 00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:30,448 Oh, my God! These waves are huge! 528 00:21:30,551 --> 00:21:32,655 I'm going to fucking die! 529 00:21:32,758 --> 00:21:33,827 [screaming] 530 00:21:35,206 --> 00:21:37,689 Well, I guess all's well that ends well. 531 00:22:01,758 --> 00:22:03,758 Chirp.