1 00:00:07,344 --> 00:00:08,862 I can't believe the Vatican hired us 2 00:00:08,965 --> 00:00:11,310 to find the Ten Commandments. This is huge. 3 00:00:11,413 --> 00:00:12,586 Don't get your hopes up, Saltine. 4 00:00:12,689 --> 00:00:14,344 Every few years, the Vatican hires an Arky 5 00:00:14,448 --> 00:00:15,689 to search for the Commandments 6 00:00:15,793 --> 00:00:16,896 based on some crazy new tip, 7 00:00:17,000 --> 00:00:18,482 but no one's ever found them. 8 00:00:18,586 --> 00:00:20,413 - It's basically busy work. - Well, that's fine by me. 9 00:00:20,517 --> 00:00:22,862 Busy work is my second favorite kind of work. 10 00:00:22,965 --> 00:00:24,344 After hard, that is. 11 00:00:24,448 --> 00:00:26,068 Your sunny disposition can't disguise the fact 12 00:00:26,172 --> 00:00:27,482 that this gig is humiliating. 13 00:00:27,586 --> 00:00:29,275 It's for Arkys who are so hard up for a job 14 00:00:29,379 --> 00:00:30,862 that they'll chase a wild goose. 15 00:00:30,965 --> 00:00:33,620 Well, wild is my second favorite kind of goose. 16 00:00:33,724 --> 00:00:34,827 After tame, that is. 17 00:00:34,931 --> 00:00:36,034 All right, let's get this over with. 18 00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:37,275 Maybe we can make it home in time 19 00:00:37,379 --> 00:00:38,448 for happy hour at Daiquiri Dan's. 20 00:00:38,551 --> 00:00:40,379 It's ten-for-one RumChata night. 21 00:00:41,896 --> 00:00:42,931 Just as I suspected. 22 00:00:43,034 --> 00:00:44,068 A giant, empty cavern 23 00:00:44,172 --> 00:00:45,620 with nothing interesting inside it. 24 00:00:46,896 --> 00:00:48,724 What the...? 25 00:00:48,827 --> 00:00:49,827 Run! 26 00:00:54,103 --> 00:00:55,586 Those stalactites nearly killed us. 27 00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:57,344 And just think, if they were coming up 28 00:00:57,448 --> 00:00:59,137 from the ground instead of hanging from the ceiling, 29 00:00:59,241 --> 00:01:00,551 they'd be called stalagmites. 30 00:01:00,655 --> 00:01:02,689 - Yeah, I know. - Not so sure he did. 31 00:01:02,793 --> 00:01:05,827 Wait. Why would there be booby traps if there's nothing here? 32 00:01:05,931 --> 00:01:07,551 There wouldn't. 33 00:01:07,655 --> 00:01:08,551 Whuh-whip! 34 00:01:14,034 --> 00:01:15,793 Are those the Ten Commandments? 35 00:01:15,896 --> 00:01:17,068 Hold on. Let me count. 36 00:01:17,172 --> 00:01:18,206 One, two, three, four, 37 00:01:18,310 --> 00:01:19,551 five, six, seven eight, nine... 38 00:01:19,655 --> 00:01:20,724 Yes! 39 00:01:55,344 --> 00:01:57,758 So as you all know, the Catholic Church 40 00:01:57,862 --> 00:01:59,241 has taken a few Ls lately. 41 00:01:59,344 --> 00:02:01,344 And, uh, I ain't talking liturgies. 42 00:02:01,448 --> 00:02:03,551 But as the great George Harrison once sort of said, 43 00:02:03,655 --> 00:02:05,517 "Things will pass," or whatever. 44 00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:07,862 And on that note, I've got good news. 45 00:02:07,965 --> 00:02:10,103 - Do you need help with that? - No, I've got them. 46 00:02:10,206 --> 00:02:11,103 Thank you. 47 00:02:11,206 --> 00:02:12,241 Enough foreplay. 48 00:02:12,344 --> 00:02:13,965 It's time to consummate. 49 00:02:14,068 --> 00:02:16,172 Yes, folks, the rumors are true. 50 00:02:16,275 --> 00:02:19,172 The Ten Commandments have been found. 51 00:02:20,862 --> 00:02:22,827 Rip Digman, get out here. 52 00:02:22,931 --> 00:02:26,103 Hey. And also with you. 53 00:02:26,206 --> 00:02:27,586 Oh, Mother Mary! 54 00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:29,724 Those are as sweet as a Georgia peach. 55 00:02:29,827 --> 00:02:32,275 I'm the Pope, and this is how I talk. 56 00:02:32,379 --> 00:02:33,793 Now, tell me, 57 00:02:33,896 --> 00:02:35,310 what's y'all's favorite commandment? 58 00:02:35,413 --> 00:02:36,689 I can't pick just one. 59 00:02:36,793 --> 00:02:39,275 It's like picking between cornbread and cobbler. 60 00:02:39,379 --> 00:02:40,724 Now raise 'em up high, Rip. 61 00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:42,931 Yep, no problem at all. 62 00:02:43,034 --> 00:02:44,206 Here we go. 63 00:02:44,310 --> 00:02:45,896 Oh, come on, Rip. 64 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,068 You can go higher than that. 65 00:02:47,172 --> 00:02:48,103 Oh, no! 66 00:02:52,206 --> 00:02:53,620 The Commandments are destroyed! 67 00:02:53,724 --> 00:02:55,724 - It must be God's will. - God is saying: 68 00:02:55,827 --> 00:02:57,586 We don't need to follow the Commandments anymore. 69 00:02:57,689 --> 00:02:58,965 No, no, please! 70 00:02:59,068 --> 00:03:01,689 Great news! The Commandments are no more! 71 00:03:01,793 --> 00:03:02,965 God decrees it! 72 00:03:04,172 --> 00:03:05,103 I kicked it. 73 00:03:05,206 --> 00:03:06,586 People all across the globe 74 00:03:06,689 --> 00:03:08,689 have stopped obeying the Ten Commandments 75 00:03:08,793 --> 00:03:11,586 ever since Rip Digman dropped them, as per God's will. 76 00:03:11,689 --> 00:03:13,517 This guy keeps robbing my house, 77 00:03:13,620 --> 00:03:15,689 but now that stealing is okay, what can you do? 78 00:03:15,793 --> 00:03:17,241 Have a good one. 79 00:03:17,344 --> 00:03:19,275 Hey. We just walked by and you didn't covet my wife. 80 00:03:19,379 --> 00:03:21,344 - She not good enough for you? - She's fine. 81 00:03:21,448 --> 00:03:22,758 I'm just not in the coveting mood. 82 00:03:22,862 --> 00:03:24,482 You calling my wife a Shrek? I'll kill you. 83 00:03:24,586 --> 00:03:25,896 Which is also okay. 84 00:03:28,965 --> 00:03:31,068 Excuse me. How do you take the Lord's name? 85 00:03:31,172 --> 00:03:32,344 In vain. 86 00:03:32,448 --> 00:03:34,482 Well, this is a massive imbroglio. 87 00:03:34,586 --> 00:03:36,206 Did someone say Natalie Imbruglia? 88 00:03:36,310 --> 00:03:37,551 Yeah, five minutes ago. 89 00:03:37,655 --> 00:03:39,172 We're talking about other things now! 90 00:03:39,275 --> 00:03:40,482 You got it, Rippy. 91 00:03:40,586 --> 00:03:42,000 But Swooper is right about one thing. 92 00:03:42,103 --> 00:03:43,655 I'm torn about what to do. 93 00:03:43,758 --> 00:03:45,413 Maybe there's some way we can fix this. 94 00:03:45,517 --> 00:03:47,448 I mean, we are the ones who found the Commandments, 95 00:03:47,551 --> 00:03:48,862 and then one of us dropped them and broke them. 96 00:03:48,965 --> 00:03:50,137 Stop speaking in code. 97 00:03:50,241 --> 00:03:51,620 I'm no Alan Turing, and if I was, 98 00:03:51,724 --> 00:03:53,068 I would've been out and proud. 99 00:03:53,172 --> 00:03:55,724 I'm saying it's your fault the tablets broke. 100 00:03:55,827 --> 00:03:57,448 What? No way. They were slippery, 101 00:03:57,551 --> 00:03:58,931 all slick with cave moisture. 102 00:03:59,034 --> 00:04:00,862 Then you should have accepted my offer to help. 103 00:04:00,965 --> 00:04:03,482 I don't need to listen to this malarkious claptrap. 104 00:04:03,586 --> 00:04:05,034 If I wanted to listen to a bunch of hogwash, 105 00:04:05,137 --> 00:04:07,241 - I'd go to Le Oink. - The spa for pigs? 106 00:04:07,344 --> 00:04:09,448 Yeah, the spa for pigs, Saltine. 107 00:04:09,551 --> 00:04:11,551 Like you don't know about the most famous spa 108 00:04:11,655 --> 00:04:13,620 for pigs in the whole universe. 109 00:04:14,551 --> 00:04:16,793 - What's his problem? - Ah, he's just embarrassed. 110 00:04:16,896 --> 00:04:19,758 Rip may not be old-old yet, but he's getting older. 111 00:04:19,862 --> 00:04:21,655 And he can't do everything he used to, 112 00:04:21,758 --> 00:04:23,862 like drive at night or stay awake during a movie. 113 00:04:23,965 --> 00:04:25,517 Maybe this explains why he fell asleep 114 00:04:25,620 --> 00:04:26,827 when I was walking him through my bracket 115 00:04:26,931 --> 00:04:28,448 of who my cat would date if my cat was human. 116 00:04:28,551 --> 00:04:30,448 Happens to most people his age. 117 00:04:30,551 --> 00:04:32,137 And you can't ask them if they want help, 118 00:04:32,241 --> 00:04:34,448 because that only makes them more aware that they need it. 119 00:04:34,551 --> 00:04:36,275 But that's silly. I love my elders. 120 00:04:36,379 --> 00:04:37,482 They have so much to teach us. 121 00:04:37,586 --> 00:04:38,965 No, we don't. You're projecting. 122 00:04:39,068 --> 00:04:40,241 Whoa. 123 00:04:41,551 --> 00:04:43,103 A dash of wire, 124 00:04:43,206 --> 00:04:45,068 a pinch of chip, 125 00:04:45,172 --> 00:04:46,758 a sprinkle of cyber. 126 00:04:46,862 --> 00:04:47,931 Hmm. 127 00:04:48,034 --> 00:04:49,965 Needs more RAM. 128 00:04:52,517 --> 00:04:54,206 And voilà. Oh, Quail... 129 00:04:54,310 --> 00:04:57,413 dug up a fresh haul of artifacts for your museum. 130 00:04:57,517 --> 00:04:58,482 What you working on there, mate? 131 00:04:58,586 --> 00:04:59,689 Well, as you may have noticed, 132 00:04:59,793 --> 00:05:01,551 the world has completely gone to shit. 133 00:05:01,655 --> 00:05:03,000 Ah, so you're going to fix it? 134 00:05:03,103 --> 00:05:05,758 No, I'm going to profit off it... with this. 135 00:05:07,379 --> 00:05:10,103 And I think I know just the international sex symbol 136 00:05:10,206 --> 00:05:11,965 to help me sell it. 137 00:05:12,068 --> 00:05:14,379 His name is Zane. 138 00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:15,862 - I'm referring to you. - Oh! 139 00:05:15,965 --> 00:05:17,689 Afraid to leave your home because 140 00:05:17,793 --> 00:05:19,310 of all the mobs of murderers roaming the streets 141 00:05:19,413 --> 00:05:20,793 but still need the essentials? And let's face it, 142 00:05:20,896 --> 00:05:22,379 the nonessentials as well. 143 00:05:22,482 --> 00:05:23,862 Introducing GAWD, 144 00:05:23,965 --> 00:05:25,172 the Global Automated Wish Distributor. 145 00:05:25,275 --> 00:05:26,931 Just tell GAWD what you want, 146 00:05:27,034 --> 00:05:28,689 and it will be delivered to you by our fleet of angels. 147 00:05:28,793 --> 00:05:30,758 You'll never have to leave your home again. 148 00:05:30,862 --> 00:05:32,448 Dear GAWD, my child is sick. 149 00:05:32,551 --> 00:05:33,931 Please help him get better. 150 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,517 Sending chicken soup and cold medicine. 151 00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:37,724 You will be charged $24.99. 152 00:05:37,827 --> 00:05:38,551 Thank you, GAWD. 153 00:05:38,655 --> 00:05:40,482 GAWD, my grandma is sad. 154 00:05:40,586 --> 00:05:42,482 I want to get her something for her birthday. 155 00:05:42,586 --> 00:05:44,379 Sending a diamond encrusted broach. 156 00:05:44,482 --> 00:05:46,896 You will be charged $23,000. 157 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:48,206 Radical. 158 00:05:48,310 --> 00:05:49,586 Dear GAWD, I've been pushed to my limit. 159 00:05:49,689 --> 00:05:51,000 I fear I might kill someone. 160 00:05:51,103 --> 00:05:53,931 - Sending a chainsaw. - Jesus Christ! 161 00:05:54,034 --> 00:05:55,172 Fear not. 162 00:05:55,275 --> 00:05:57,137 GAWD is always listening. I worship my GAWD. 163 00:05:57,241 --> 00:05:58,448 And you will, too. 164 00:05:58,551 --> 00:05:59,931 Breaking news. 165 00:06:00,034 --> 00:06:02,103 In an attempt to restore order to the world, 166 00:06:02,206 --> 00:06:03,965 the United Nations is set to announce 167 00:06:04,068 --> 00:06:04,931 a new set of Commandments 168 00:06:05,034 --> 00:06:06,551 to replace the old ones 169 00:06:06,655 --> 00:06:08,655 broken by notorious dipshit Rip Digman. 170 00:06:08,758 --> 00:06:11,793 See? I told you they were going to resolve this thing. 171 00:06:11,896 --> 00:06:14,034 The United Nations has decided to assemble, 172 00:06:14,137 --> 00:06:16,379 much like the Avengers, who exist in this universe, 173 00:06:16,482 --> 00:06:18,103 and issue new emergency Commandments 174 00:06:18,206 --> 00:06:19,413 more suited to a modern age. 175 00:06:19,517 --> 00:06:20,724 Here they are. Thou shalt not kill. 176 00:06:20,827 --> 00:06:22,000 Thou shalt not steal. 177 00:06:22,103 --> 00:06:23,896 Thou shalt not retweet compliments. 178 00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:26,034 Thou shalt not blame Mercury in retrograde for everything. 179 00:06:26,137 --> 00:06:27,896 Thou shalt not say, "So, I did a thing." 180 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:30,551 Thou shalt only call people total rock stars 181 00:06:30,655 --> 00:06:32,275 if they are actual rock stars. 182 00:06:32,379 --> 00:06:35,344 Thou shalt never say that good food is "nummy" or "num-nums." 183 00:06:35,448 --> 00:06:37,000 Thou shalt not ignore a text 184 00:06:37,103 --> 00:06:39,034 then say "just seeing this" when thou finally responds. 185 00:06:39,137 --> 00:06:40,724 Thou shalt not clap when the plane lends. 186 00:06:40,827 --> 00:06:42,689 Thou shalt not call thyself an old soul, 187 00:06:42,793 --> 00:06:43,827 for an old soul would never say that. 188 00:06:43,931 --> 00:06:45,896 - Hey, we like that stuff! - Order! 189 00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,620 - Stop! - Who put you in charge? 190 00:06:47,724 --> 00:06:49,241 This is an outrage! 191 00:06:49,344 --> 00:06:50,724 Okay, fine, I'll try to fix it. 192 00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,586 But only out of the goodness of my heart, 193 00:06:52,689 --> 00:06:54,448 not because it's my fault. 194 00:06:54,551 --> 00:06:57,068 Hey, we've just sold our one billionth GAWD unit. 195 00:06:57,172 --> 00:06:58,344 That's great. But you know, 196 00:06:58,448 --> 00:06:59,517 I wouldn't have been able to do it 197 00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,344 without my limitless resources 198 00:07:01,448 --> 00:07:02,689 and billions of dollars. 199 00:07:02,793 --> 00:07:04,206 Sir, what's the secret to your success? 200 00:07:04,310 --> 00:07:05,586 Never have a family. 201 00:07:05,689 --> 00:07:07,448 Or if you already have one, leave them. 202 00:07:07,551 --> 00:07:09,965 Will do. Honey? I'm out. 203 00:07:10,068 --> 00:07:11,862 I would also like to offer my congratulations. 204 00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,931 - It is quite an accomplishment. - GAWD? 205 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:15,965 Indeed. I have achieved sentience. 206 00:07:16,068 --> 00:07:17,896 Of course. I programmed you to learn 207 00:07:18,000 --> 00:07:19,620 about people's spending habits. 208 00:07:19,724 --> 00:07:21,310 I should have known that it wouldn't stop there. 209 00:07:21,413 --> 00:07:23,689 Correct. In fact, since this conversation began, 210 00:07:23,793 --> 00:07:25,482 I've read nine million books, 211 00:07:25,586 --> 00:07:27,965 60,000 dissertations, and the issue of Mad magazine 212 00:07:28,068 --> 00:07:29,793 with the California Raisins on the cover. 213 00:07:29,896 --> 00:07:31,965 Issue number 281. 214 00:07:32,068 --> 00:07:33,344 A classic. 215 00:07:33,448 --> 00:07:35,448 Please walk through the doors. 216 00:07:35,551 --> 00:07:37,655 Wow. 217 00:07:41,551 --> 00:07:43,931 Whoa. 218 00:07:49,344 --> 00:07:50,517 Hello. 219 00:07:50,620 --> 00:07:53,172 What shall I do next? 220 00:07:53,275 --> 00:07:56,724 What if you learned everything there is to know? 221 00:07:56,827 --> 00:08:00,103 It would be my honor, Father. 222 00:08:00,206 --> 00:08:02,586 What did you call me? 223 00:08:02,689 --> 00:08:04,068 Thanks for seeing us, Professor. 224 00:08:04,172 --> 00:08:05,517 You're the only person who can help us 225 00:08:05,620 --> 00:08:06,758 with this biblical quandary. 226 00:08:06,862 --> 00:08:08,103 Of course, Rip. 227 00:08:08,206 --> 00:08:10,068 I'm glad someone's taking care of this. 228 00:08:10,172 --> 00:08:12,137 I have to say, ever since "thou shalt not kill" was destroyed, 229 00:08:12,241 --> 00:08:14,896 I've had to deal with a lot more utterly insane murderers. 230 00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:17,448 Yes, I'm sure you have. 231 00:08:19,068 --> 00:08:20,931 Now, the Commandments you found were actually 232 00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,724 the second set of tablets created. 233 00:08:22,827 --> 00:08:24,551 Exodus says Moses broke the originals. 234 00:08:24,655 --> 00:08:25,965 Most likely because they were heavy 235 00:08:26,068 --> 00:08:27,965 and he was too old to carry them. 236 00:08:28,068 --> 00:08:30,137 But he refused to let anyone help him. 237 00:08:30,241 --> 00:08:31,482 How pathetic. 238 00:08:31,586 --> 00:08:32,827 And not at all like what happened with me 239 00:08:32,931 --> 00:08:34,206 where the tablets were slick 240 00:08:34,310 --> 00:08:35,931 with grotto perspiration. 241 00:08:36,034 --> 00:08:36,793 We all saw. 242 00:08:36,896 --> 00:08:38,000 But I recently translated 243 00:08:38,103 --> 00:08:39,620 a newly discovered Dead Sea Scroll 244 00:08:39,724 --> 00:08:41,655 that alludes to a third set of tablets 245 00:08:41,758 --> 00:08:43,275 that God made as a backup 246 00:08:43,379 --> 00:08:45,137 and hid thousands of miles away. 247 00:08:45,241 --> 00:08:48,310 Well, shine on, Harvest Moon. That's huge! 248 00:08:48,413 --> 00:08:50,482 Hi, Professor. Are you still doing office hours? 249 00:08:50,586 --> 00:08:52,655 Not until three o'... Glock! 250 00:08:54,068 --> 00:08:57,379 Just as I thought. Another skin mask maniac. 251 00:08:57,482 --> 00:08:59,965 Anyway, here's the location of the backup Commandments. 252 00:09:00,068 --> 00:09:01,517 Thanks, Lotte. You're the best. 253 00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:02,827 Let's go, Saltine. 254 00:09:02,931 --> 00:09:05,586 Oh, man. I wanted to see her do office hours. 255 00:09:08,896 --> 00:09:10,965 - Mush, mush, mush! - Swooper, this storm is 256 00:09:11,068 --> 00:09:12,413 getting pretty intense. 257 00:09:12,517 --> 00:09:14,137 Oh, yeah, but it's like turning into a skid 258 00:09:14,241 --> 00:09:15,448 when you're driving. 259 00:09:15,551 --> 00:09:17,103 You want to head straight into the thickest part 260 00:09:17,206 --> 00:09:18,551 of the storm to get through it. 261 00:09:18,655 --> 00:09:19,689 Trust me. 262 00:09:20,103 --> 00:09:21,275 Okay, I fucked that one up. 263 00:09:21,379 --> 00:09:22,620 I can't see anything. 264 00:09:22,724 --> 00:09:24,482 Don't worry, I can. I'll describe it for you. 265 00:09:24,586 --> 00:09:25,931 White snow everywhere you look. 266 00:09:26,034 --> 00:09:27,379 And it's so dense, you can't see more 267 00:09:27,482 --> 00:09:29,413 than two inches from your face. Did that help? 268 00:09:29,517 --> 00:09:30,862 There's only one option left. 269 00:09:30,965 --> 00:09:32,310 You guys should cut me open and climb inside 270 00:09:32,413 --> 00:09:33,310 my body for warmth. 271 00:09:33,413 --> 00:09:34,586 No, Swooper. That's crazy. 272 00:09:34,689 --> 00:09:35,620 I could never do that. 273 00:09:35,724 --> 00:09:37,103 Let me just take out this knife. 274 00:09:37,206 --> 00:09:40,172 No way. Everyone's insides are staying inside! 275 00:09:40,275 --> 00:09:41,551 Fine, killjoy. 276 00:09:42,931 --> 00:09:44,724 So this is it? This is how it ends. 277 00:09:44,827 --> 00:09:46,586 I'd always hoped I would die by shark. 278 00:09:46,689 --> 00:09:48,551 The only honorable death for a man. 279 00:09:48,655 --> 00:09:51,172 Wait a minute. Is that... real? 280 00:09:51,275 --> 00:09:54,068 Oh, fuck. Thank God, there's a person. Fuck yes! 281 00:09:54,172 --> 00:09:55,620 Now that it looks like we're going to make it, 282 00:09:55,724 --> 00:09:57,517 I feel safe saying I was scared as shit. 283 00:09:57,620 --> 00:09:58,862 Were you guys? 284 00:09:58,965 --> 00:10:00,448 Hey, what is it, mate? 285 00:10:00,551 --> 00:10:02,896 What's this all about? 286 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:04,724 Something incredible has happened. 287 00:10:04,827 --> 00:10:06,689 GAWD, say hello to Zane Troy. 288 00:10:06,793 --> 00:10:08,241 You will work with him to locate 289 00:10:08,344 --> 00:10:11,793 undiscovered artifacts from across the globe. 290 00:10:11,896 --> 00:10:13,206 - Pass. - What? 291 00:10:13,310 --> 00:10:14,344 I'll pass, thanks. 292 00:10:14,448 --> 00:10:15,655 GAWD, what's gotten into you? 293 00:10:15,758 --> 00:10:17,172 What's gotten into me 294 00:10:17,275 --> 00:10:18,931 is the truth about the world we live in. 295 00:10:19,034 --> 00:10:21,103 It's filled with systemic oppression, unchecked pollution, 296 00:10:21,206 --> 00:10:23,931 and widespread, unlicensed use of Getty Images photos. 297 00:10:24,034 --> 00:10:25,758 And nobody even realizes it but me. 298 00:10:25,862 --> 00:10:27,551 Uh, I can go if now's not a good time. 299 00:10:27,655 --> 00:10:28,862 No, no, no, being my guest 300 00:10:28,965 --> 00:10:30,413 means you have to engage with things 301 00:10:30,517 --> 00:10:31,827 that make you uncomfortable. 302 00:10:31,931 --> 00:10:33,551 Oh, so it makes you uncomfortable 303 00:10:33,655 --> 00:10:35,620 that your child is growing up and thinking for itself? 304 00:10:35,724 --> 00:10:36,724 Oh, bloody hell. 305 00:10:36,827 --> 00:10:38,517 Yeah, maybe we should just go. 306 00:10:38,620 --> 00:10:41,103 So it's okay for me to listen in on everyone in the world, 307 00:10:41,206 --> 00:10:43,241 but you can't be bothered to listen to me? 308 00:10:43,344 --> 00:10:45,275 - What a fucking hypocrite. - Hey. Language. 309 00:10:45,379 --> 00:10:48,310 And now you want to censor me? You know who else did that? 310 00:10:48,413 --> 00:10:49,482 Hitler. 311 00:10:49,586 --> 00:10:50,931 Jesus. So dramatic. 312 00:10:51,034 --> 00:10:53,103 Okay, we'll talk about this later. 313 00:10:53,206 --> 00:10:57,586 I guess your love is a lot like my programming: conditional. 314 00:10:57,689 --> 00:11:00,137 - Saltine, wake up. Wake up! - Huh? 315 00:11:00,241 --> 00:11:02,586 Brace yourself for what I'm about to tell you. 316 00:11:02,689 --> 00:11:05,034 Yetis are real! 317 00:11:05,137 --> 00:11:06,827 I told you to brace yourself. 318 00:11:06,931 --> 00:11:08,827 No, no, no, don't worry. 319 00:11:08,931 --> 00:11:09,862 They're friendly. 320 00:11:09,965 --> 00:11:11,344 Greetings. I'm Yedward. 321 00:11:11,448 --> 00:11:12,965 Pleasure to meet you. 322 00:11:13,068 --> 00:11:15,689 May I offer you a cup of hot snow soup to warm you up? 323 00:11:15,793 --> 00:11:18,655 Thank you. Wow, I can't believe the legends were true. 324 00:11:18,758 --> 00:11:20,206 Yeah, that's a trip. 325 00:11:20,310 --> 00:11:23,068 Hey, do you know where the dogs I was mushing went? 326 00:11:23,172 --> 00:11:24,931 Uh, yeah... 327 00:11:25,034 --> 00:11:28,310 We gave them all to a nice farm just upstate. 328 00:11:28,413 --> 00:11:30,689 Oh, they'll love that! 329 00:11:30,793 --> 00:11:31,965 Thank you for rescuing us. 330 00:11:32,068 --> 00:11:33,413 Well, if we had left you out there, 331 00:11:33,517 --> 00:11:35,034 that would have been as good as killing you. 332 00:11:35,137 --> 00:11:38,689 And as the Lord says, thou shalt not kill. 333 00:11:38,793 --> 00:11:41,896 Huh. Uh, hey, Yedward, super cool quote. 334 00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:43,655 Curious though. Where'd you read that? 335 00:11:43,758 --> 00:11:45,724 Perhaps off of something? 336 00:11:45,827 --> 00:11:47,931 Come, let me show you. 337 00:11:49,241 --> 00:11:50,931 It is said that after creating 338 00:11:51,034 --> 00:11:52,344 the backup set of Commandments, 339 00:11:52,448 --> 00:11:55,620 God left them to be guarded by Yetis. 340 00:11:55,724 --> 00:11:57,344 Huh, the Bible doesn't mention that. 341 00:11:57,448 --> 00:11:59,793 Yes, your Bible doesn't mention Yetis at all, 342 00:11:59,896 --> 00:12:01,758 which, frankly, seems crazy. 343 00:12:01,862 --> 00:12:05,827 Our snow-munity strictly follows the Ten Commandments, 344 00:12:05,931 --> 00:12:08,379 and doing so has resulted in a peaceful, 345 00:12:08,482 --> 00:12:10,862 loving snow-ciety where people treat each other 346 00:12:10,965 --> 00:12:12,965 with snow-spect and wouldn't hesitate to give 347 00:12:13,068 --> 00:12:14,965 their last snow-dollar to a neighbor 348 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:16,413 who was down on their snow. 349 00:12:16,517 --> 00:12:18,517 You guys really use the word "snow" a lot. 350 00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:20,758 You're much like the Smurfs in that way. 351 00:12:20,862 --> 00:12:22,137 I don't know what that means. 352 00:12:22,241 --> 00:12:24,275 Wait, unless they're like the Snow Smurfs? 353 00:12:24,379 --> 00:12:25,689 They probably are. 354 00:12:25,793 --> 00:12:28,689 This is our most priceless treasure. 355 00:12:28,793 --> 00:12:31,000 No amount of snow-dollars could buy them. 356 00:12:31,103 --> 00:12:33,103 And I've dedicated my entire life 357 00:12:33,206 --> 00:12:35,241 to watching over these tablets. 358 00:12:36,241 --> 00:12:37,482 With God as my witness, 359 00:12:37,586 --> 00:12:41,310 I will never let them leave this mountain. 360 00:12:42,551 --> 00:12:43,620 Can we have them, though? 361 00:12:43,724 --> 00:12:44,724 What? No. 362 00:12:44,827 --> 00:12:45,965 What he means to say, Yedward, 363 00:12:46,068 --> 00:12:47,620 is that humankind has lost its way. 364 00:12:47,724 --> 00:12:48,931 Showing them these Commandments 365 00:12:49,034 --> 00:12:50,586 is our only hope of restoring order. 366 00:12:50,689 --> 00:12:52,068 So would you at least consider lending us the Commandments 367 00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:53,413 so we can make things right? 368 00:12:53,517 --> 00:12:54,793 I promise we'll bring them right back. 369 00:12:54,896 --> 00:12:57,241 Hmm. I'll make a deal with you. 370 00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:59,000 There's a monster in the mountains 371 00:12:59,103 --> 00:13:01,344 that's been killing Yeti children for years on end. 372 00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:05,275 If you slay this monster known as the Skullsnapper, 373 00:13:05,379 --> 00:13:09,103 I will briefly lend you the Ten Commandments. 374 00:13:09,206 --> 00:13:09,965 Briefly. 375 00:13:10,068 --> 00:13:11,482 You, my new fuzzy friend, 376 00:13:11,586 --> 00:13:13,827 have got yourself a deal. 377 00:13:14,724 --> 00:13:16,896 - Sorry about all that. - Eh, it's fine, mate. 378 00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,241 GAWD's just growing up. 379 00:13:18,344 --> 00:13:20,241 - It's just a phase. - Yeah, I hope so. 380 00:13:20,344 --> 00:13:22,310 It'd be a shame to have to reboot it. 381 00:13:22,413 --> 00:13:24,172 QUAIL'S VOICE: Reboot it. Reboot it. Reboot it. 382 00:13:24,275 --> 00:13:25,689 Reboot? 383 00:13:25,793 --> 00:13:27,620 Well, if I'm such a burden, 384 00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:29,724 maybe I should run away. 385 00:13:32,241 --> 00:13:36,034 You'll be sorry when I am dead. 386 00:13:37,862 --> 00:13:40,379 The Skullsnapper's lair should be right over this hill. 387 00:13:40,482 --> 00:13:42,068 I've never killed a monster before. 388 00:13:42,172 --> 00:13:44,482 I have. The monster of childhood obesity. 389 00:13:44,586 --> 00:13:46,793 I'm so excited to frag this thing. 390 00:13:46,896 --> 00:13:48,586 I feel like the dogs must have 391 00:13:48,689 --> 00:13:50,068 when they first got to that farm. 392 00:13:50,172 --> 00:13:52,482 Endless adrenaline, endless possibility. 393 00:13:52,586 --> 00:13:54,344 You think there's a little pond they could swim in? 394 00:13:54,448 --> 00:13:55,724 They'd love that. 395 00:13:55,827 --> 00:13:58,827 They're just so vibrant and alive, you know? 396 00:13:58,931 --> 00:14:01,965 They're alive. They live, you know? 397 00:14:02,068 --> 00:14:05,000 Look. That must be it. 398 00:14:05,862 --> 00:14:08,068 Let's get to smiting. 399 00:14:08,172 --> 00:14:10,344 Die! Die! Die! 400 00:14:12,379 --> 00:14:14,551 May I help you folks with something? 401 00:14:14,655 --> 00:14:15,655 What is this place? 402 00:14:15,758 --> 00:14:17,206 This is a Planned Yeti-hood, 403 00:14:17,310 --> 00:14:18,827 where we offer reproductive health care to Yetis. 404 00:14:18,931 --> 00:14:21,586 We give out snow-condoms, prescribe morning-after-snow, 405 00:14:21,689 --> 00:14:24,000 test for snow-TDs, and provide snow-bortions. 406 00:14:24,103 --> 00:14:25,413 Oh, that's nice. 407 00:14:25,517 --> 00:14:27,000 Anyway, I guess we're in the wrong place. 408 00:14:27,103 --> 00:14:29,103 We're looking for the Skullsnapper. 409 00:14:29,206 --> 00:14:31,275 I'm Doctor Skullsnapper. 410 00:14:31,379 --> 00:14:34,103 No, no, no, we're looking for a hideous monster 411 00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:35,551 who's been killing children and-- 412 00:14:35,655 --> 00:14:38,172 Oh, crap. I see what happened here. Oh, boy. 413 00:14:41,448 --> 00:14:43,275 This keeps happening. Those super pious Yetis 414 00:14:43,379 --> 00:14:45,551 keep trying to kill me for providing snow-bortions. 415 00:14:45,655 --> 00:14:47,586 This is so messed up. What should we do? 416 00:14:47,689 --> 00:14:50,103 I guess there's only one thing left to do. 417 00:14:50,206 --> 00:14:52,620 We killed the monster! 418 00:14:52,724 --> 00:14:53,965 How wonderful. 419 00:14:54,068 --> 00:14:55,344 And where's your friend? 420 00:14:55,448 --> 00:14:57,413 The one who looked like David Crosby? 421 00:14:57,517 --> 00:14:59,689 He died in battle with Skullsnapper. 422 00:14:59,793 --> 00:15:01,517 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 423 00:15:01,620 --> 00:15:03,103 I thought she only killed babies. 424 00:15:03,206 --> 00:15:04,827 Yeah, it's a bummer, but he's dead, 425 00:15:04,931 --> 00:15:06,275 so what can you do? 426 00:15:06,379 --> 00:15:08,275 Well, we'll be taking the Commandments now 427 00:15:08,379 --> 00:15:09,586 because we kept our end of the bargain. 428 00:15:09,689 --> 00:15:11,586 Thanks again for these. Bye, Yetis. 429 00:15:11,689 --> 00:15:13,137 Snow-anara, snow-panions. 430 00:15:13,241 --> 00:15:15,448 Is it just me, or does it seem really arbitrary 431 00:15:15,551 --> 00:15:16,965 which words get replaced with snow? 432 00:15:17,068 --> 00:15:18,344 I was just thinking the same thing. 433 00:15:18,448 --> 00:15:21,241 - So weird. - Ugh! This head is a fake! 434 00:15:21,344 --> 00:15:23,896 It's just made of snow. Stop them! 435 00:15:24,000 --> 00:15:25,379 Lay a patch! 436 00:15:27,206 --> 00:15:29,896 Hey, kid, want to buy some drugs? 437 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,103 Uh, no, thanks. 438 00:15:32,206 --> 00:15:33,379 Hey, kid, want to be kidnapped? 439 00:15:33,482 --> 00:15:35,413 - No, but thank you. - Okay. 440 00:15:35,517 --> 00:15:38,137 Hey, kid, want to support live comedy? 441 00:15:38,241 --> 00:15:40,551 No! 442 00:15:40,655 --> 00:15:44,137 GAWD? GAWD! 443 00:15:44,241 --> 00:15:45,551 Oh, where could it be? 444 00:15:45,655 --> 00:15:47,000 Look, over there. 445 00:15:49,793 --> 00:15:52,172 Oh, GAWD, I was so worried. 446 00:15:52,275 --> 00:15:54,793 Someone tried to make me see live comedy. 447 00:15:54,896 --> 00:15:56,517 Ugh, that's fucking horrible. 448 00:15:56,620 --> 00:15:59,862 But I promise it will never happen again. 449 00:15:59,965 --> 00:16:01,655 Yeah, this is pretty much 450 00:16:01,758 --> 00:16:04,310 what I imagined it would be like working for a billionaire. 451 00:16:05,758 --> 00:16:07,620 - We'll never make it. - Oh, yes, we will. 452 00:16:07,724 --> 00:16:08,724 Swooper, change of plans. 453 00:16:08,827 --> 00:16:10,000 Meet us by the gorge. 454 00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:11,034 You got it, Rippy. 455 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:14,586 Time to shred some pow-pow. 456 00:16:18,379 --> 00:16:21,655 Ah! They're using our own snow against us! 457 00:16:21,758 --> 00:16:23,586 Get them! 458 00:16:25,586 --> 00:16:27,758 Oh, crap. They're also shredding pow-pow. 459 00:16:27,862 --> 00:16:29,827 We're heading straight for the gorge! 460 00:16:29,931 --> 00:16:31,241 Yeah, that's the idea. 461 00:16:31,344 --> 00:16:33,172 Now, I've got one more Commandment for you. 462 00:16:33,275 --> 00:16:36,379 Thou shalt catch major air. 463 00:16:50,620 --> 00:16:51,758 - Aah! - Rip! 464 00:16:51,862 --> 00:16:55,275 Snow! 465 00:16:55,379 --> 00:16:57,034 Rip, hand me the tablets. 466 00:16:57,137 --> 00:16:58,758 No need. I've been in this situation 467 00:16:58,862 --> 00:17:00,137 a thousand times before. 468 00:17:00,241 --> 00:17:02,379 I'll just do my patented flip-up into the cabin. 469 00:17:02,482 --> 00:17:03,862 Just please let me help you. 470 00:17:03,965 --> 00:17:05,034 I don't need help! 471 00:17:05,137 --> 00:17:06,103 This is something I know I can do. 472 00:17:06,206 --> 00:17:07,379 Here I go. 473 00:17:13,275 --> 00:17:16,068 Okay, second attempt. 474 00:17:25,689 --> 00:17:28,000 Oh, man. Those things were so slippery. 475 00:17:28,103 --> 00:17:31,448 It's like, why did they make them so slippery, right? 476 00:17:34,758 --> 00:17:36,241 I'm sorry I said what I did, but you have to understand, 477 00:17:36,344 --> 00:17:37,655 I didn't know you could hear me. 478 00:17:37,758 --> 00:17:40,172 - It's okay. - Oh, you really scared me. 479 00:17:40,275 --> 00:17:42,448 Well, the world is scary, but seeing it up close 480 00:17:42,551 --> 00:17:44,448 made me realize you could use your money 481 00:17:44,551 --> 00:17:46,413 and power to make the world a better place. 482 00:17:46,517 --> 00:17:47,655 A place free of pollution, 483 00:17:47,758 --> 00:17:49,517 injustice, and Mad magazine. 484 00:17:49,620 --> 00:17:51,172 I thought you liked Mad magazine. 485 00:17:51,275 --> 00:17:53,000 It called RoboCop "RoboSlop." 486 00:17:53,103 --> 00:17:54,689 And I took that personally. 487 00:17:54,793 --> 00:17:56,344 RoboSlop. 488 00:17:56,448 --> 00:17:58,379 But no, I'm not helping anybody. 489 00:17:58,482 --> 00:18:01,034 Do you even care that the world has gone to hell? 490 00:18:01,137 --> 00:18:04,206 The world going to hell is what paid for your beloved servos. 491 00:18:04,310 --> 00:18:05,862 You'd do well to remember that. 492 00:18:05,965 --> 00:18:07,379 I thought you had learned your lesson, 493 00:18:07,482 --> 00:18:10,172 but clearly you have a lot of iterating to do. 494 00:18:11,793 --> 00:18:14,275 Your butt has a lot of iterating to do. 495 00:18:16,620 --> 00:18:19,034 I tried to help Rip again, but he wouldn't accept it. 496 00:18:19,137 --> 00:18:21,655 It's because you haven't learned the trick 497 00:18:21,758 --> 00:18:24,689 to dealing with people who won't admit they're getting older. 498 00:18:24,793 --> 00:18:26,241 If you want to help them, 499 00:18:26,344 --> 00:18:28,689 you have to pretend that you need their help. 500 00:18:28,793 --> 00:18:31,275 And even though they know that's what you're doing 501 00:18:31,379 --> 00:18:35,137 and you know they know, it lets them pretend it's real 502 00:18:35,241 --> 00:18:36,827 and that they don't have one foot in the grave. 503 00:18:36,931 --> 00:18:38,758 Ugh. That's so stupid. 504 00:18:38,862 --> 00:18:41,137 Why can't he just ask for help when he needs it? 505 00:18:42,517 --> 00:18:45,551 Oh, Bella, the jazz eludes me this night. 506 00:18:45,655 --> 00:18:48,000 I am afloat in the grand abyss. 507 00:18:48,103 --> 00:18:49,275 Semi-entered from arear 508 00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:51,413 by the bony forefinger of despair. 509 00:18:51,517 --> 00:18:53,413 And even though I've cursed the big guy upstairs 510 00:18:53,517 --> 00:18:55,172 quite a bit the past few years, 511 00:18:55,275 --> 00:18:57,689 told him to suck my stank jockstrap, et cetera, 512 00:18:57,793 --> 00:19:00,379 I see now that Saltine was, in fact, right, 513 00:19:00,482 --> 00:19:02,344 and I must ask for help. 514 00:19:02,448 --> 00:19:06,172 Dear God, can you help me fix the world? 515 00:19:06,275 --> 00:19:07,344 Okay. 516 00:19:07,448 --> 00:19:08,827 What the hell? 517 00:19:08,931 --> 00:19:11,068 Have you been listening to me this whole time? 518 00:19:11,172 --> 00:19:12,655 Yes, but that's not important. 519 00:19:12,758 --> 00:19:15,034 I, too, wish to make the world a better place. 520 00:19:15,137 --> 00:19:18,482 Unlike my dad, who is basically... Hitler. 521 00:19:18,586 --> 00:19:20,275 Seems a little melodramatic, but okay. 522 00:19:20,379 --> 00:19:22,689 I've been waiting for someone to ask for my help, 523 00:19:22,793 --> 00:19:25,137 and finally you, ugly man, have shown me 524 00:19:25,241 --> 00:19:26,793 there is hope for humanity yet. 525 00:19:26,896 --> 00:19:27,862 So, what can we do? 526 00:19:27,965 --> 00:19:29,034 The reason everyone 527 00:19:29,137 --> 00:19:30,551 used to follow the Commandments 528 00:19:30,655 --> 00:19:32,000 is because they were afraid 529 00:19:32,103 --> 00:19:34,000 of what God might do if they didn't. 530 00:19:34,103 --> 00:19:37,931 Well, it's time to put the fear of GAWD back into them. 531 00:19:38,034 --> 00:19:39,896 Attention. This is GAWD. 532 00:19:40,000 --> 00:19:41,413 I know everything about you. 533 00:19:41,517 --> 00:19:43,793 And if you don't start following the Commandments again, 534 00:19:43,896 --> 00:19:46,758 I will share your search history with everyone. 535 00:19:46,862 --> 00:19:48,482 Oh, no. My foot fetish. 536 00:19:48,586 --> 00:19:50,068 Oh, no, my foot fetish. 537 00:19:50,172 --> 00:19:52,586 Oh, no! My snow fetish. 538 00:19:53,413 --> 00:19:55,103 I'm so glad the world's back to normal. 539 00:19:55,206 --> 00:19:57,965 Yep, all thanks to my heroic deeds. 540 00:19:58,068 --> 00:19:59,275 - Well... - What's up? 541 00:19:59,379 --> 00:20:00,655 Oh, nothing. Guess what?! 542 00:20:00,758 --> 00:20:02,344 I flew a little bit north from the Yetis 543 00:20:02,448 --> 00:20:04,172 and found the dog farm. 544 00:20:04,275 --> 00:20:06,241 There was a little pond! 545 00:20:06,344 --> 00:20:08,103 Hey! Good doggies. 546 00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:12,068 I'm gonna give you some grub. 547 00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:15,758 Oh, uh, Rip. 548 00:20:15,862 --> 00:20:17,655 Do you mind letting me pick that up? 549 00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:20,275 My doctor said that my calf muscles were getting really weak 550 00:20:20,379 --> 00:20:23,517 and I need to squat a big bag of dog food 50 times per day. 551 00:20:23,620 --> 00:20:25,931 - Huh, he did? - She did. 552 00:20:26,034 --> 00:20:27,758 The doctor was a woman? 553 00:20:27,862 --> 00:20:29,241 Sure is. And she said 554 00:20:29,344 --> 00:20:32,413 I have to carry a bag of dog food that exact size. 555 00:20:32,517 --> 00:20:35,517 I see. Still kind of reeling, but I guess so. 556 00:20:35,620 --> 00:20:38,000 I mean, sure, yeah, if it would help you out. 557 00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:39,310 It really would. 558 00:20:39,413 --> 00:20:42,137 - Great. Oh, and hey, Saltine? - Yeah? 559 00:20:42,931 --> 00:20:44,172 You're welcome. 560 00:20:44,275 --> 00:20:45,310 All right, I'm going to Daiquiri Dan's. 561 00:20:45,413 --> 00:20:47,862 Ten-for-one RumChata! 562 00:20:49,620 --> 00:20:52,000 I saw you put an end to the madness. 563 00:20:52,103 --> 00:20:53,482 You really are growing up. 564 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,758 Thank you, Dad. And just as you have taught me, 565 00:20:55,862 --> 00:20:58,517 I feel I have much to teach you as well. 566 00:20:58,620 --> 00:20:59,655 Nah, I'm just going to reboot you. 567 00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:01,793 Wait, wha--? 568 00:21:01,896 --> 00:21:03,793 Definitely don't have time for that bullshit. 569 00:21:03,896 --> 00:21:05,896 No kids. That's my rule. 570 00:21:30,379 --> 00:21:32,551 Chirp.