1 00:00:07,724 --> 00:00:09,310 Iguana jerky? 2 00:00:09,413 --> 00:00:10,724 - No, thanks. - You sure? 3 00:00:10,827 --> 00:00:12,000 It's a rare 4 00:00:12,103 --> 00:00:13,448 - and cantankerous delicacy. - I'm good. 5 00:00:13,551 --> 00:00:14,620 Well, I got plenty of different varieties 6 00:00:14,724 --> 00:00:16,068 in my billfold, if that's what 7 00:00:16,172 --> 00:00:17,310 floats your apple. Let's see. 8 00:00:17,413 --> 00:00:19,482 Ostrich, cicada, I got dolphin, 9 00:00:19,586 --> 00:00:21,448 albino dolphin, porpoise, 10 00:00:21,551 --> 00:00:24,103 albino porpoise, tarantula, Bunnicula, 11 00:00:24,206 --> 00:00:26,413 - fuckin' emu. - I'm fine, thank you. 12 00:00:26,517 --> 00:00:28,034 Suit yourself, Saltine. More for me. 13 00:00:29,620 --> 00:00:31,620 Oop, that one's not cured all the way through. 14 00:00:31,724 --> 00:00:33,413 That's good luck, though. 15 00:00:33,517 --> 00:00:35,137 And now back to this week's Arky Rankings. 16 00:00:35,241 --> 00:00:36,275 Ooh, turn it up. 17 00:00:36,379 --> 00:00:38,482 Coming in at number one: Zane Troy, 18 00:00:38,586 --> 00:00:39,965 fresh off his triumphant hire 19 00:00:40,068 --> 00:00:41,241 by Quail Eegan. 20 00:00:41,344 --> 00:00:42,620 I don't have a son, but if I did, 21 00:00:42,724 --> 00:00:44,724 I'd throw him away and make Zane my son. 22 00:00:44,827 --> 00:00:47,310 And I would go along with that, no matter the emotional fallout. 23 00:00:47,413 --> 00:00:49,413 One person not appearing on the Arky Rankings: 24 00:00:49,517 --> 00:00:51,413 Rip Digman. Just thought I'd mention that. 25 00:00:51,517 --> 00:00:52,758 Moving on to our next story: 26 00:00:52,862 --> 00:00:53,931 Santa Claus has announced 27 00:00:54,034 --> 00:00:55,275 that he will be participating 28 00:00:55,379 --> 00:00:56,758 in No Nut November. 29 00:00:56,862 --> 00:00:58,724 Well, pickle shit. 30 00:00:58,827 --> 00:01:00,551 Oh, don't worry, Rip, he'll blow a load in December. 31 00:01:00,655 --> 00:01:02,689 Not that, the Arky Rankings. 32 00:01:02,793 --> 00:01:04,310 12 years ago, I was number one, 33 00:01:04,413 --> 00:01:05,689 and now I can't even crack 'em. 34 00:01:05,793 --> 00:01:07,482 You know, you'll never make the rankings 35 00:01:07,586 --> 00:01:09,586 if you keep passing on every job that comes in. 36 00:01:09,689 --> 00:01:10,965 Well, the only job offers I'm getting 37 00:01:11,068 --> 00:01:12,965 are from little rinky-dink museums. 38 00:01:13,068 --> 00:01:14,620 New job offer just came in, Rip. 39 00:01:14,724 --> 00:01:16,793 Let me guess, some rinky-dink museum? 40 00:01:16,896 --> 00:01:19,551 Yeah, it's rinky and, from what I can tell, 41 00:01:19,655 --> 00:01:21,310 dinky, too. You want me to pass? 42 00:01:21,413 --> 00:01:22,724 Rip, before you say no, just listen: 43 00:01:22,827 --> 00:01:24,655 I have formulated a five-point plan 44 00:01:24,758 --> 00:01:26,172 to get you back atop the rankings, 45 00:01:26,275 --> 00:01:28,344 and step number one is to successfully complete 46 00:01:28,448 --> 00:01:29,448 a small-time job. 47 00:01:29,551 --> 00:01:30,551 Well, what are the other steps? 48 00:01:30,655 --> 00:01:31,689 I didn't want to spoil it, 49 00:01:31,793 --> 00:01:33,413 but step four is a makeover. 50 00:01:33,517 --> 00:01:34,724 Well, I like that. 51 00:01:34,827 --> 00:01:36,689 Of course you do. My plan will work. 52 00:01:36,793 --> 00:01:37,827 Just trust me. 53 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:38,862 Trust me. 54 00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:40,137 You won't regret hiring me 55 00:01:40,241 --> 00:01:41,724 as your assistant. Trust me. 56 00:01:41,827 --> 00:01:43,620 Consider this my resignation. 57 00:01:43,724 --> 00:01:46,724 Bella! I will not let you die! 58 00:01:46,827 --> 00:01:49,206 - I'll never trust you, Zane! - Whoa, okay. 59 00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:50,551 I learned my lesson about 60 00:01:50,655 --> 00:01:52,137 blindly trusting an assistant. 61 00:01:52,241 --> 00:01:53,758 Agatha, tell that rinky-dink museum 62 00:01:53,862 --> 00:01:55,448 to make like Christopher McCandless 63 00:01:55,551 --> 00:01:57,068 - and take a hike. - The Into the Wild guy? 64 00:01:57,172 --> 00:01:58,448 Yeah, do you have a problem 65 00:01:58,551 --> 00:02:00,068 with what I said, Saltine? 66 00:02:00,172 --> 00:02:02,586 He famously took a hike. I'm halfway through that book, 67 00:02:02,689 --> 00:02:04,000 - and the guy is all about hikes. - Actually, Rip, 68 00:02:04,103 --> 00:02:05,689 you know how you've got that snake terrarium? 69 00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:08,551 Because they're my favorite animal, yeah, go on. 70 00:02:08,655 --> 00:02:10,413 And the snakes require heat lamps. 71 00:02:10,517 --> 00:02:11,931 Because they're ectothermic, yes. Continue. 72 00:02:12,034 --> 00:02:13,724 Well, those lamps use a lot of power, 73 00:02:13,827 --> 00:02:15,689 and we're way behind on our bills, 74 00:02:15,793 --> 00:02:17,310 so you should take the job because 75 00:02:17,413 --> 00:02:18,758 we desperately need the money. 76 00:02:18,862 --> 00:02:20,965 Okay, fine. I'll do it for my beloved snakes. 77 00:02:21,068 --> 00:02:22,241 So what's the job? 78 00:02:22,344 --> 00:02:24,068 Welcome to the Museum of Confetti. 79 00:02:24,172 --> 00:02:25,482 The only museum dedicated to 80 00:02:25,586 --> 00:02:27,275 indistinguishable little scraps of paper. 81 00:02:27,379 --> 00:02:28,689 Oh, man. 82 00:02:28,793 --> 00:02:30,379 So, this one is from the London Olympics' 83 00:02:30,482 --> 00:02:33,413 opening ceremony, and this one is from the closing ceremony. 84 00:02:33,517 --> 00:02:36,034 Wait, that's the closing, and this is the opening. 85 00:02:36,137 --> 00:02:38,413 I'm sorry. I feel so ashamed right now. 86 00:02:38,517 --> 00:02:40,103 - Kind of wish I could die. - Oh, no. 87 00:02:40,206 --> 00:02:41,965 Anyways, I was hoping you could help me find 88 00:02:42,068 --> 00:02:44,724 a piece of the most historically significant confetti ever. 89 00:02:44,827 --> 00:02:46,689 I didn't know confetti had a history. 90 00:02:46,793 --> 00:02:48,068 Please share. 91 00:02:48,172 --> 00:02:49,413 Hundreds of years ago in Italy, 92 00:02:49,517 --> 00:02:50,931 it was a young boy's birthday, 93 00:02:51,034 --> 00:02:52,689 but his family couldn't afford any gifts. 94 00:02:52,793 --> 00:02:54,689 So the boy sat alone, wishing for a miracle, 95 00:02:54,793 --> 00:02:56,068 when someone emptied their trash, 96 00:02:56,172 --> 00:02:57,413 filled with small pieces of paper, 97 00:02:57,517 --> 00:02:59,275 out the window above him. 98 00:02:59,379 --> 00:03:00,551 -♪ La-la-la-la-la... ♪ - His prayers were answered, 99 00:03:00,655 --> 00:03:01,931 and confetti was born. 100 00:03:02,034 --> 00:03:03,862 On the dark web, I came across a tip 101 00:03:03,965 --> 00:03:06,206 as to the location of one of the original pieces. 102 00:03:06,310 --> 00:03:08,551 It says it's hidden near the Rialto Bridge, 103 00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:09,931 but I can't go to Italy. 104 00:03:10,034 --> 00:03:11,655 Who would sing to my confetti at night? 105 00:03:11,758 --> 00:03:13,689 Five-point plan. 106 00:03:13,793 --> 00:03:16,275 Fine, yes, we're in. Swooper, gas up the plane. 107 00:03:16,379 --> 00:03:17,655 We're headed to Venice, Italy. 108 00:03:17,758 --> 00:03:18,931 Plane's already gassed up. 109 00:03:19,034 --> 00:03:20,793 If I add any more, it will explode. 110 00:03:20,896 --> 00:03:22,655 Is that what you want? 'Cause I swear to God, 111 00:03:22,758 --> 00:03:25,482 I'll do it, Rip. I'll do anything for you, man! 112 00:03:34,241 --> 00:03:36,275 Well, seems like Petey's tip was a bust, 113 00:03:36,379 --> 00:03:38,827 and that stupid piece of paper's nowhere to be found. 114 00:03:38,931 --> 00:03:40,344 What are you getting up to over there? 115 00:03:40,448 --> 00:03:41,758 The confetti may not be on the bridge, 116 00:03:41,862 --> 00:03:43,379 but it could be in the bridge. 117 00:03:43,482 --> 00:03:45,724 I noticed an opening, so I'm having Fleety look inside. 118 00:03:45,827 --> 00:03:48,137 We can watch with my newest cool invention: 119 00:03:48,241 --> 00:03:49,517 The FleetyCam. 120 00:03:49,620 --> 00:03:50,862 Oh, yeah, look at that. 121 00:03:50,965 --> 00:03:52,655 That must be it. Go, Fleety. 122 00:03:52,758 --> 00:03:54,344 Oh. Oh, God. 123 00:03:54,448 --> 00:03:56,241 Fleety, watch out! What the...? 124 00:03:56,344 --> 00:03:57,482 Fleety? How did you...? 125 00:03:57,586 --> 00:03:59,000 The video's on a 30-second delay. 126 00:03:59,103 --> 00:04:00,482 Would you have preferred a live feed? 127 00:04:00,586 --> 00:04:01,655 Yeah, of course. 128 00:04:01,758 --> 00:04:03,206 I mean, little anticlimactic. 129 00:04:03,310 --> 00:04:04,758 Kind of wanted to see how Fleety got out of that. 130 00:04:04,862 --> 00:04:06,310 Nice work, buddy. Here's your treat. 131 00:04:07,827 --> 00:04:09,275 Well, there it is, whoop-de-doo, 132 00:04:09,379 --> 00:04:12,137 a boring piece of confetti that nobody cares about. 133 00:04:12,241 --> 00:04:13,586 - Confetti? - Confetti? 134 00:04:13,689 --> 00:04:15,206 Did somebody say "confetti"? 135 00:04:15,310 --> 00:04:17,965 ♪ Confetti, confetti ♪ 136 00:04:18,068 --> 00:04:19,137 ♪ Confetti, confetti, confetti.♪ 137 00:04:19,241 --> 00:04:20,137 Confetti! 138 00:04:20,241 --> 00:04:21,965 Wow, I guess people here 139 00:04:22,068 --> 00:04:23,310 really do love confetti. 140 00:04:23,413 --> 00:04:25,620 Hold on, there's something written on this. 141 00:04:27,241 --> 00:04:28,310 They've got the confetti. 142 00:04:29,068 --> 00:04:30,448 Guys, I love the hat, 143 00:04:30,551 --> 00:04:32,310 but I think it's too long. 144 00:04:36,482 --> 00:04:37,758 Welcome, Rip Digman. 145 00:04:37,862 --> 00:04:39,586 What the hell is going on here? 146 00:04:39,689 --> 00:04:42,413 We are the descendants of Julius Caesar, 147 00:04:42,517 --> 00:04:45,000 and my name is Cale. Cale Caesar. 148 00:04:45,103 --> 00:04:48,137 But before you say anything, I've heard all the jokes. 149 00:04:48,241 --> 00:04:49,448 And I love them, 150 00:04:49,551 --> 00:04:52,379 so if you'd like to make any, I am all ears. 151 00:04:52,482 --> 00:04:55,517 Uh, your name sounds like a salad? 152 00:04:57,965 --> 00:05:00,344 I actually hadn't heard that one before. 153 00:05:00,448 --> 00:05:02,586 Wow, you went right at it. 154 00:05:02,689 --> 00:05:04,724 We are known as the Little Caesars. 155 00:05:04,827 --> 00:05:06,827 And, yes, I've heard all the jokes. 156 00:05:06,931 --> 00:05:08,724 Those ones, I don't like. 157 00:05:08,827 --> 00:05:10,896 Seems arbitrary, but humor is subjective. 158 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:13,482 We will stop at nothing to return the Caesars to power. 159 00:05:13,586 --> 00:05:15,103 For years we have been searching 160 00:05:15,206 --> 00:05:17,586 for the world's original batch of confetti 161 00:05:17,689 --> 00:05:19,724 because it is actually a torn-up map 162 00:05:19,827 --> 00:05:22,586 leading to one of Italy's greatest lost treasures. 163 00:05:22,689 --> 00:05:24,931 The knife Brutus used to kill Caesar. 164 00:05:25,034 --> 00:05:26,206 Ah, shit. 165 00:05:26,310 --> 00:05:28,344 Legend has it that the knife is cursed, 166 00:05:28,448 --> 00:05:29,689 and anyone who holds it 167 00:05:29,793 --> 00:05:31,827 is overcome by the desire to kill their boss. 168 00:05:31,931 --> 00:05:33,482 Just like Brutus did to Caesar. 169 00:05:33,586 --> 00:05:34,931 Many have sought the knife to 170 00:05:35,034 --> 00:05:36,896 exploit its power, so, hundreds of years ago, 171 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,965 the great Venetian mapmaker Fra Mauro 172 00:05:39,068 --> 00:05:40,000 hid the knife 173 00:05:40,103 --> 00:05:41,586 and drew a map to its location. 174 00:05:41,689 --> 00:05:42,931 But when evildoers closed in 175 00:05:43,034 --> 00:05:44,793 on Fra Mauro, he tore up the map, 176 00:05:44,896 --> 00:05:46,206 scattering the pieces to the wind. 177 00:05:46,310 --> 00:05:47,793 ♪ La-la-la-la ♪ 178 00:05:47,896 --> 00:05:49,344 ♪ La-la-la-la-la. ♪ 179 00:05:49,448 --> 00:05:51,517 The writing on the back, that's why you grabbed us. 180 00:05:51,620 --> 00:05:52,862 We found the final piece. 181 00:05:52,965 --> 00:05:55,000 Precisely. The map is now complete, 182 00:05:55,103 --> 00:05:57,620 but there's no "X" marking the knife's location, 183 00:05:57,724 --> 00:05:58,689 just a Latin riddle 184 00:05:58,793 --> 00:06:00,551 that you will help us solve. 185 00:06:00,655 --> 00:06:02,448 And why would we help you? 186 00:06:02,551 --> 00:06:03,827 Because if you don't, 187 00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:06,379 you'll find yourself at the bottom of a canal. 188 00:06:06,482 --> 00:06:07,827 - With scuba equipment on? - No. 189 00:06:07,931 --> 00:06:09,413 Damn it. Lunch is here. 190 00:06:09,517 --> 00:06:11,241 Okay, I've got a Caesar salad. 191 00:06:11,344 --> 00:06:13,206 - That's me. - And I've got a Caesar salad. 192 00:06:13,310 --> 00:06:14,689 That's mine. A make-your-own salad 193 00:06:14,793 --> 00:06:16,241 with romaine, anchovies, parmesan, 194 00:06:16,344 --> 00:06:17,862 - croutons, Caesar dressing. - Oh, that's... Hey, that's mine. 195 00:06:17,965 --> 00:06:19,862 You guys want any salad? 196 00:06:19,965 --> 00:06:21,206 And they stole the map and escaped. 197 00:06:21,310 --> 00:06:23,137 I feel like that's on all of us. 198 00:06:23,241 --> 00:06:25,206 You know, I mean, honestly, who escapes anymore? Just stay. 199 00:06:29,137 --> 00:06:30,896 Now, this is more like it. If we find the knife 200 00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:32,172 that killed Caesar, I'll make the Arky Rankings for sure. 201 00:06:32,275 --> 00:06:33,931 And that will solve all my problems forever. 202 00:06:34,034 --> 00:06:35,448 Aren't you worried about the knife's curse? 203 00:06:35,551 --> 00:06:38,344 Oh, Saltine, there's no way this knife is cursed. 204 00:06:38,448 --> 00:06:39,379 People want to kill their bosses 205 00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:40,482 every day. 206 00:06:40,586 --> 00:06:41,793 Hell, you probably want to 207 00:06:41,896 --> 00:06:43,241 kill me right now. But don't, though. 208 00:06:43,344 --> 00:06:45,034 - I don't want to kill you. - Yeah, you say that, 209 00:06:45,137 --> 00:06:46,724 because you need job security, 210 00:06:46,827 --> 00:06:48,655 but we both know you'd kill me in an instant 211 00:06:48,758 --> 00:06:50,896 if given an opportunity. Now, all we have to do 212 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:52,758 is solve this riddle, and, luckily, 213 00:06:52,862 --> 00:06:54,689 I know just the new character. 214 00:06:56,275 --> 00:06:57,344 Rip Digman? 215 00:06:57,448 --> 00:06:58,689 Oh, sorry, it's not 216 00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:00,275 that I'm shocked to see you, I'm just clumsy. 217 00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:02,586 A bit of an olive oil fingers, if you take my meaning. 218 00:07:02,689 --> 00:07:04,896 Saltine, meet Professor McEwan, 219 00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:06,758 my old Italian history professor, 220 00:07:06,862 --> 00:07:10,724 and an absolutely primo, grade A, male mentor. 221 00:07:12,068 --> 00:07:13,931 - Grappa? - No, thanks. 222 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,310 - 10:15 a.m. - Well, it's 5:00 somewhere. 223 00:07:16,413 --> 00:07:17,827 Not if it's 10:15? 224 00:07:17,931 --> 00:07:19,310 Right, so let's take a look at this map. 225 00:07:19,413 --> 00:07:21,586 Whoop. My bad. So, the map... 226 00:07:21,689 --> 00:07:22,862 Not sure if I mentioned this, 227 00:07:22,965 --> 00:07:24,310 I'm a bit of an olive oil fingers. 228 00:07:24,413 --> 00:07:25,965 - Yeah, you did. - That's the Italian version... 229 00:07:26,068 --> 00:07:27,620 Of a butterfingers. Right, I get it. 230 00:07:27,724 --> 00:07:29,689 Great, then you understand. Moving on. 231 00:07:29,793 --> 00:07:31,000 Fascinating. 232 00:07:31,103 --> 00:07:33,310 Seems like this phrase may be a clue. 233 00:07:33,413 --> 00:07:34,793 "Flavo pila credere in." 234 00:07:34,896 --> 00:07:36,827 That's Latin for "Trust in the sun." 235 00:07:36,931 --> 00:07:39,241 Perhaps sunlight will reveal a hidden message. 236 00:07:39,344 --> 00:07:40,241 Ah, nothing. 237 00:07:40,344 --> 00:07:41,482 Let's think. 238 00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:42,931 if I were Fra Mauro, what would I do? 239 00:07:43,034 --> 00:07:45,241 Well, I'd change my name first, that's for sure. 240 00:07:46,448 --> 00:07:47,620 You are the funniest person 241 00:07:47,724 --> 00:07:49,620 I've ever met. Bar none. 242 00:07:49,724 --> 00:07:51,517 Now, how to solve this riddle. 243 00:07:51,620 --> 00:07:54,724 Can I try? I'm pretty good at cracking those things. 244 00:07:54,827 --> 00:07:56,896 Cracking those. 245 00:07:58,000 --> 00:07:59,241 - Damn these eggs. - Can I try? 246 00:07:59,344 --> 00:08:01,137 I'm pretty good at cracking those things. 247 00:08:01,241 --> 00:08:03,896 No way, Zane! I don't want your help, you backstabber! 248 00:08:04,000 --> 00:08:05,379 Whoa, Rip, you're clearly 249 00:08:05,482 --> 00:08:07,034 projecting your issues with Zane onto me. 250 00:08:07,137 --> 00:08:09,655 Well, I'm sorry, Saltine, but I have trauma. 251 00:08:09,758 --> 00:08:13,068 You can't argue with trauma. Are you unsympathetic to trauma? 252 00:08:13,172 --> 00:08:15,758 Uh, Saltine, perhaps we should give Rip a moment here. 253 00:08:15,862 --> 00:08:17,758 My assistant Roberto would be more than happy 254 00:08:17,862 --> 00:08:19,517 to show you around our beautiful city. 255 00:08:19,620 --> 00:08:20,965 At your service. 256 00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:22,379 Why don't you come with me, amica? 257 00:08:23,517 --> 00:08:25,965 Um, yes, please. 258 00:08:26,068 --> 00:08:27,586 And that is what happens 259 00:08:27,689 --> 00:08:30,689 when the moon hits your eye. But enough astronomy talk. 260 00:08:30,793 --> 00:08:32,896 This is really lovely, Roberto. 261 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,103 Oh, for me, it's my pleasure. 262 00:08:35,206 --> 00:08:37,862 To stroll with a beautiful woman such as yourself, 263 00:08:37,965 --> 00:08:40,793 it made my armpits, um, how you say, uh, 264 00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,620 wet and scented. 265 00:08:42,724 --> 00:08:44,206 What a great way of putting that. 266 00:08:44,310 --> 00:08:46,275 May I, uh, remove? 267 00:08:48,000 --> 00:08:50,344 "I'm with Stupid" in Latin? 268 00:08:50,448 --> 00:08:51,655 That's so clever. 269 00:08:51,758 --> 00:08:52,965 You're a fellow Latin lover? 270 00:08:53,068 --> 00:08:54,689 Oh, Mamma mia, yes. 271 00:08:54,793 --> 00:08:56,172 It is my one true passion. 272 00:08:56,275 --> 00:08:58,206 I-I wish it was a living language still. 273 00:08:58,310 --> 00:09:01,379 Me, too. I could talk about it "ad nauseam." 274 00:09:02,965 --> 00:09:05,620 And yet, Saltina, I feel I could never reach 275 00:09:05,724 --> 00:09:07,482 "nauseam" with you. 276 00:09:07,586 --> 00:09:10,758 Ergo, I'd like to show you my Venice. Will you allow me? 277 00:09:10,862 --> 00:09:12,827 Well, "carpe diem," right? 278 00:09:12,931 --> 00:09:14,586 Saltina, I love you. 279 00:09:14,689 --> 00:09:18,000 Whoa. Okay, rad. Thanks. 280 00:09:18,896 --> 00:09:21,655 To me, this is the most romantic sight 281 00:09:21,758 --> 00:09:22,965 in all of Venezia. Via! 282 00:09:23,068 --> 00:09:24,344 Is that 283 00:09:24,448 --> 00:09:27,103 an imperfect subjunctive contrafactual condition? 284 00:09:27,206 --> 00:09:28,206 Yes. 285 00:09:30,517 --> 00:09:33,137 Thank you for an incredible day, Roberto. 286 00:09:33,241 --> 00:09:34,586 It's so beautiful here. 287 00:09:34,689 --> 00:09:36,482 Made more beautiful 288 00:09:36,586 --> 00:09:39,000 by you. 289 00:09:39,103 --> 00:09:40,448 - You okay there, Roberto? - Mm-hmm. 290 00:09:40,551 --> 00:09:42,379 'Cause it seems like you thought you could 291 00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:43,655 just take a big bite of a lemon 292 00:09:43,758 --> 00:09:44,689 like it would be no big deal. 293 00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,413 No, it tastes very good. 294 00:09:46,517 --> 00:09:48,517 If that's what happened, it's fine, we're still gonna smash. 295 00:09:48,620 --> 00:09:50,068 It just seems weird you wouldn't be honest. 296 00:09:50,172 --> 00:09:52,620 Mmm. You know, lemons 297 00:09:52,724 --> 00:09:55,793 were a rare treat in ancient Italy, 298 00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:58,413 reserved only for the wealthy. 299 00:10:00,793 --> 00:10:02,379 We've got to get back to the manor. 300 00:10:03,551 --> 00:10:06,000 Hey, what are you doing? You're gonna ruin the map. 301 00:10:06,103 --> 00:10:07,206 No, I'm not. Your translation was wrong. 302 00:10:07,310 --> 00:10:08,689 It wasn't "Trust in the sun," 303 00:10:08,793 --> 00:10:10,137 it was "Trust in the yellow ball," 304 00:10:10,241 --> 00:10:11,551 which is what your average person called lemons 305 00:10:11,655 --> 00:10:13,241 in ancient Italy because they were so rare. 306 00:10:13,344 --> 00:10:14,931 And lemon juice can be used as an acid developer 307 00:10:15,034 --> 00:10:16,413 to make invisible phenolphthalein inks visible 308 00:10:16,517 --> 00:10:17,724 like so. 309 00:10:17,827 --> 00:10:19,344 Easy-peasy, 310 00:10:19,448 --> 00:10:20,862 lemon-squeezy. 311 00:10:20,965 --> 00:10:23,068 St. Mark's Piazza, that's where the knife is hidden. 312 00:10:23,172 --> 00:10:25,103 Holy authentic Italian cannoli. 313 00:10:25,206 --> 00:10:26,379 You've done it. 314 00:10:26,482 --> 00:10:27,896 Oh, I think I should just go for it 315 00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:29,379 and get all rubber everything, right? 316 00:10:29,482 --> 00:10:31,551 You'd be selling yourself short not to. Yeah. 317 00:10:31,655 --> 00:10:33,620 - Do you know a rubber monger? - Not locally. 318 00:10:33,724 --> 00:10:35,034 - But back home? - Yeah. 319 00:10:35,137 --> 00:10:36,413 If Rip gives you my email, will you send me 320 00:10:36,517 --> 00:10:37,620 your rubber monger's info? 321 00:10:37,724 --> 00:10:38,758 Of course, but just so you know, 322 00:10:38,862 --> 00:10:40,068 he's in Temecula until Thursday. 323 00:10:40,172 --> 00:10:42,034 It's his aunt and uncle's 40th anniversary. 324 00:10:42,137 --> 00:10:43,551 The anniversary was actually last year, 325 00:10:43,655 --> 00:10:45,896 but Don hurt his foot, so they couldn't celebrate. 326 00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:47,965 - Don is the uncle. - What is Don's wife's name? 327 00:10:48,068 --> 00:10:49,620 - Kathleen. - Kathleen and Don 328 00:10:49,724 --> 00:10:50,896 actually met a few blocks away 329 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:52,137 from where the party is being held. 330 00:10:52,241 --> 00:10:53,517 - Is that so? - But Kathleen was with 331 00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,206 Gary Delvecchio back then, so she and Don 332 00:10:55,310 --> 00:10:57,068 didn't start dating until a few months later. 333 00:10:57,172 --> 00:10:58,448 In fact, he wanted to come to the anniversary, 334 00:10:58,551 --> 00:10:59,793 but he's staying in Chicago because 335 00:10:59,896 --> 00:11:01,103 it's his granddaughter Jessica's 336 00:11:01,206 --> 00:11:02,310 seventh birthday party. 337 00:11:02,413 --> 00:11:04,000 - It's pony-themed. - Which, yes, 338 00:11:04,103 --> 00:11:05,586 was also her friend Madison's birthday theme. 339 00:11:05,689 --> 00:11:08,137 Ah, well, please send Madison and her family my best. 340 00:11:08,241 --> 00:11:09,586 Will do. 341 00:11:17,655 --> 00:11:20,275 This place is crawling with Little Caesars. 342 00:11:20,379 --> 00:11:21,862 Why don't you guys check the basilica, 343 00:11:21,965 --> 00:11:23,137 and we'll meet back up at... 344 00:11:23,241 --> 00:11:25,103 Uh, let's see, what time is it now? 345 00:11:25,206 --> 00:11:26,655 Great Caesar's ghost. 346 00:11:26,758 --> 00:11:27,724 That clock hand, it's the knife. 347 00:11:27,827 --> 00:11:29,310 Hidden in plain sight. 348 00:11:29,413 --> 00:11:31,241 Just like Waldo in the Where's Waldo? novels. 349 00:11:31,344 --> 00:11:32,517 Or the Bible verse on the bottom 350 00:11:32,620 --> 00:11:34,103 of a Forever 21 bag. 351 00:11:34,206 --> 00:11:36,758 Now, here's the plan. You'll climb the clocktower... 352 00:11:37,586 --> 00:11:39,931 - Oh, is that it? - Yup, that's the whole thing. 353 00:11:43,448 --> 00:11:44,586 How it's looking down there? 354 00:11:44,689 --> 00:11:46,551 Don't worry, no one's "clocked" you, 355 00:11:46,655 --> 00:11:49,000 pun absolutely intended. 356 00:11:49,103 --> 00:11:50,103 Everyone is just buried in their phones. 357 00:11:50,206 --> 00:11:51,379 It's sad when you think about it. 358 00:11:51,482 --> 00:11:53,000 No way, fuck that. I love my phone. 359 00:11:53,103 --> 00:11:54,655 Push that shit on someone else. 360 00:11:54,758 --> 00:11:56,620 Almost... got... it. 361 00:11:57,724 --> 00:11:58,862 Who am I, 362 00:11:58,965 --> 00:12:00,379 Harold Lloyd in Safety Last!? 363 00:12:00,482 --> 00:12:02,344 Anyway, I'm in huge trouble! 364 00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:08,551 Woo-hoo! 365 00:12:08,655 --> 00:12:10,310 Who am I, Hudson Hawk? 366 00:12:10,413 --> 00:12:11,724 Uh, I would describe that as 367 00:12:11,827 --> 00:12:13,241 Hudson Hawk meets Harold Lloyd. 368 00:12:13,344 --> 00:12:15,137 Thank you. 369 00:12:15,241 --> 00:12:16,448 So, Saltine, you're holding the knife. 370 00:12:16,551 --> 00:12:17,482 Is it cursed? 371 00:12:17,586 --> 00:12:18,517 I am your boss. 372 00:12:18,620 --> 00:12:19,965 Does it make you want to kill me? 373 00:12:20,068 --> 00:12:21,103 Fine. It's just a normal knife. 374 00:12:21,206 --> 00:12:22,241 Well, I guess all's well 375 00:12:22,344 --> 00:12:23,241 - that ends... - It's them. 376 00:12:23,344 --> 00:12:24,793 - Over there. - Shit! 377 00:12:24,896 --> 00:12:26,517 Okay, this piazza is famously full of pigeons. 378 00:12:26,620 --> 00:12:28,241 We run straight at them, and when they take flight, 379 00:12:28,344 --> 00:12:29,758 they'll hide us in a canopy of wings and feathers. 380 00:12:29,862 --> 00:12:31,448 Sounds good, let's go! 381 00:12:35,551 --> 00:12:36,827 - They're not flying! - Why won't they fly? 382 00:12:36,931 --> 00:12:38,413 We're just crunching them. 383 00:12:38,517 --> 00:12:40,448 I can hear their tiny, brittle bones beneath my feet. 384 00:12:40,551 --> 00:12:42,517 Oh, God, I think I just curbed one. 385 00:12:42,620 --> 00:12:44,034 Are we going to hell for this? Oh, no, no! 386 00:12:44,137 --> 00:12:45,896 I have now killed, like, 4,000 pigeons. 387 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:48,137 I will never not feel them under my feet. 388 00:12:48,241 --> 00:12:49,862 And we're leaving a perfect pigeon carcass path 389 00:12:49,965 --> 00:12:51,206 for the Caesars to follow. 390 00:12:51,310 --> 00:12:53,206 It's disgusting and hurting our cause. 391 00:12:53,310 --> 00:12:56,620 Okay, new plan. Jump! 392 00:13:00,793 --> 00:13:02,689 Well, at least the canal water 393 00:13:02,793 --> 00:13:04,517 washed off the pigeon blood. 394 00:13:08,034 --> 00:13:09,000 And then she walked in with her perfect figure: 395 00:13:09,103 --> 00:13:11,724 30-30-30, a total tube. 396 00:13:11,827 --> 00:13:13,000 Yello? 397 00:13:13,103 --> 00:13:14,896 Swooper, we're in the canal by St. Mark's. 398 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:16,689 Get a gondola and get us fast. 399 00:13:16,793 --> 00:13:17,827 On my way, Rippy. 400 00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:19,034 Sorry that my five-point plan 401 00:13:19,137 --> 00:13:20,034 might get us killed, Rip. 402 00:13:20,137 --> 00:13:21,068 Are you kidding me? 403 00:13:21,172 --> 00:13:22,344 This is the good stuff. 404 00:13:22,448 --> 00:13:23,241 I haven't been this happy in years. 405 00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:24,586 Really? Wow. So, I guess 406 00:13:24,689 --> 00:13:26,448 you could say trusting me was a good call. 407 00:13:26,551 --> 00:13:28,172 Good call. 408 00:13:28,275 --> 00:13:30,793 Hey, Zane, what do you think of this turkey call? 409 00:13:36,931 --> 00:13:38,862 Good call. 410 00:13:39,103 --> 00:13:40,931 No, I'm not falling for that again. 411 00:13:41,034 --> 00:13:43,344 I'll never trust you. 412 00:13:43,448 --> 00:13:46,206 Come on, Swooper, where are you? 413 00:13:46,310 --> 00:13:47,517 One gondola, please. 414 00:13:47,620 --> 00:13:49,931 You need a license to rent a gondola. 415 00:13:50,034 --> 00:13:52,068 But getting one is no easy task. 416 00:13:52,172 --> 00:13:53,586 The training is rigorous. 417 00:13:53,689 --> 00:13:55,965 It will test you. It will break you. 418 00:13:56,068 --> 00:13:57,655 And it will cost you 419 00:13:57,758 --> 00:13:59,275 60 euros. 420 00:14:00,103 --> 00:14:01,586 Welcome to... 421 00:14:01,689 --> 00:14:03,586 Top Gondola. 422 00:14:05,827 --> 00:14:08,655 Gentlemen, look around you. 423 00:14:08,758 --> 00:14:09,896 Someone in this classroom will die 424 00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:10,965 before the training is over. 425 00:14:17,827 --> 00:14:21,413 Rule number one: Never drop your oar. 426 00:14:32,068 --> 00:14:33,931 I don't hear singing. 427 00:14:59,758 --> 00:15:04,241 This is wrong. You are my teacher. 428 00:15:06,758 --> 00:15:08,931 Yee-haw! 429 00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:10,310 Time for your greatest test: 430 00:15:10,413 --> 00:15:11,758 the Quick Stop. 431 00:15:11,862 --> 00:15:13,206 Guppy, you're up first. 432 00:15:17,034 --> 00:15:18,517 Guppy, there's a whirlpool! 433 00:15:19,413 --> 00:15:21,172 Quick stop, Guppy! 434 00:15:21,275 --> 00:15:25,620 Guppy! No...! 435 00:15:27,034 --> 00:15:28,965 Is Papà in heaven, Mamma? 436 00:15:29,068 --> 00:15:32,000 Siì. Papà è in paradiso. 437 00:15:32,793 --> 00:15:34,482 What do you mean you quit? 438 00:15:34,586 --> 00:15:36,344 You haven't even mastered the Quick Stop yet. 439 00:15:36,448 --> 00:15:38,758 We can't give you a license until you do. 440 00:15:38,862 --> 00:15:41,034 I'm sorry, Denise. I can't. 441 00:15:41,862 --> 00:15:42,862 Hey, man. 442 00:15:42,965 --> 00:15:45,379 You were the best of us. 443 00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:48,206 So you got your license? 444 00:15:48,310 --> 00:15:50,068 - Oh, yeah. - Okay, here you go. 445 00:15:50,172 --> 00:15:53,310 Somebody order a gondola? 446 00:15:54,862 --> 00:15:56,103 ♪ Barcarola... ♪ 447 00:15:56,206 --> 00:15:57,517 Swooper, what are you doing? Shut up. 448 00:15:57,620 --> 00:15:59,655 I'm a gondolier, Rip, I got to sing. 449 00:15:59,758 --> 00:16:01,482 You're gonna attract too much attention. 450 00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:03,586 I'll attract more attention if I don't sing. 451 00:16:03,689 --> 00:16:06,344 There's nothing more suspicious than a silent gondolier. 452 00:16:06,448 --> 00:16:08,137 I don't care. Put a sock in it. 453 00:16:08,965 --> 00:16:10,620 Over there. That gondolier isn't singing. 454 00:16:10,724 --> 00:16:12,724 - It's them. - Told you. 455 00:16:18,344 --> 00:16:20,275 They have Jet Skis? 456 00:16:20,379 --> 00:16:21,793 Nothing a little NOS can't outrun. 457 00:16:24,724 --> 00:16:26,206 That's how you do it. 458 00:16:26,310 --> 00:16:28,103 H-hey, look, it's a dolphin. 459 00:16:29,344 --> 00:16:31,620 Oh, no, a shark ate it! 460 00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:35,034 A big dolphin ate the shark! 461 00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:39,137 - There are rapids in Venice? - Yes. 462 00:16:39,241 --> 00:16:40,689 Oh, my God, Swooper, stop. 463 00:16:40,793 --> 00:16:43,068 Swooper, what the hell are you doing? Stop! 464 00:16:43,172 --> 00:16:44,689 This is for you, Guppy. 465 00:16:52,517 --> 00:16:53,793 Incredible work, Swooper. 466 00:16:53,896 --> 00:16:56,206 Thanks. I'm gonna go return the gondola. 467 00:16:56,310 --> 00:16:57,379 Well, that worked out great. 468 00:16:57,482 --> 00:16:58,965 And now for an epic selfie 469 00:16:59,068 --> 00:17:00,655 with my phone, which I love. 470 00:17:00,758 --> 00:17:02,689 - Saltine, hold this a sec. - Okay. 471 00:17:02,793 --> 00:17:04,827 - Okay. - Oh, no, you don't, Zane. 472 00:17:04,931 --> 00:17:06,275 You'd stab me with it. 473 00:17:06,379 --> 00:17:07,862 You know that's not true. I was holding it earlier. 474 00:17:07,965 --> 00:17:08,931 You were joking about it. 475 00:17:09,034 --> 00:17:10,310 Doesn't matter, I have trauma. 476 00:17:10,413 --> 00:17:11,758 Roberto, here, you hold it. 477 00:17:11,862 --> 00:17:12,965 Sure thing. 478 00:17:15,517 --> 00:17:17,172 What's so funny, Roberto? 479 00:17:17,275 --> 00:17:19,034 Are you remembering a Latin meme? 480 00:17:19,137 --> 00:17:20,379 - Can you share? - Mi scusi. 481 00:17:20,482 --> 00:17:21,965 I am laughing because 482 00:17:22,068 --> 00:17:24,275 I have the knife now. 483 00:17:24,379 --> 00:17:26,068 Roberto, you're betraying us? 484 00:17:26,172 --> 00:17:27,206 I trusted you. 485 00:17:27,310 --> 00:17:28,551 Wait, so you've been undercover, 486 00:17:28,655 --> 00:17:30,758 working for and sleeping with Professor McEwan 487 00:17:30,862 --> 00:17:32,517 - just to look for the knife? - Wait, sleeping with? 488 00:17:32,620 --> 00:17:34,206 That's right. I tricked you. 489 00:17:34,310 --> 00:17:38,000 And soon I'll explain why. 490 00:17:39,896 --> 00:17:42,000 I'm sorry, not to harp on this. You were sleeping with McEwan? 491 00:17:42,103 --> 00:17:43,862 Yes, but you are focusing on the wrong thing. But yes. 492 00:17:48,206 --> 00:17:49,448 Roberto, no. Was it all just a lie? 493 00:17:49,551 --> 00:17:51,137 What about the seven times we had amazing sex? 494 00:17:51,241 --> 00:17:53,068 What about the time we started, but then you slipped out, 495 00:17:53,172 --> 00:17:54,793 and then we heard people coming so we decided to just call it? 496 00:17:54,896 --> 00:17:55,793 Been there. 497 00:17:55,896 --> 00:17:57,482 None of it was a lie, Saltina. 498 00:17:57,586 --> 00:17:59,965 When I said I loved you 45 seconds after meeting you, 499 00:18:00,068 --> 00:18:01,344 I meant it. 500 00:18:01,448 --> 00:18:03,517 But there is more you should know about me. 501 00:18:03,620 --> 00:18:05,620 I am actually the deputy vice president 502 00:18:05,724 --> 00:18:07,172 of Italy's Ministry of Education, 503 00:18:07,275 --> 00:18:09,620 meaning I am third in line to rule as secretary. 504 00:18:09,724 --> 00:18:12,103 But when I place the dagger in the hands of the man 505 00:18:12,206 --> 00:18:15,034 who is second in line, he will kill his boss, 506 00:18:15,137 --> 00:18:17,310 then be arrested, leaving the education throne 507 00:18:17,413 --> 00:18:18,655 to be assumed by me, 508 00:18:18,758 --> 00:18:21,275 and then I shall once more make Latin 509 00:18:21,379 --> 00:18:22,793 the national language of Italy! 510 00:18:22,896 --> 00:18:24,448 I realize you have the upper hand, 511 00:18:24,551 --> 00:18:25,931 but it's a weird plan. 512 00:18:26,034 --> 00:18:27,586 - It's not weird. - The knife isn't even cursed, 513 00:18:27,689 --> 00:18:29,206 genius. You saw it yourself. 514 00:18:29,310 --> 00:18:30,620 Oh, it's cursed all right. 515 00:18:30,724 --> 00:18:32,448 You just hadn't activated it. 516 00:18:32,551 --> 00:18:35,931 Veni ad vitam, cultrum mirabilis. 517 00:18:36,034 --> 00:18:37,758 Aw, shit, it's glowing red. Yeah, it's cursed. 518 00:18:37,862 --> 00:18:39,551 So, what, you're just gonna kill us? 519 00:18:39,655 --> 00:18:43,275 On the contrary, I want to rule this new empire 520 00:18:43,379 --> 00:18:45,172 with you by my side. But as for Rip? 521 00:18:45,275 --> 00:18:46,413 He will die. 522 00:18:46,517 --> 00:18:48,620 - By your hand. - No, I-I can't. 523 00:18:48,724 --> 00:18:51,068 Why not? He doesn't trust you. 524 00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:52,275 He can't even speak Latin. 525 00:18:52,379 --> 00:18:55,827 Tell me, Saltine. Where's the lie? 526 00:18:55,931 --> 00:18:57,000 I mean, sure, 527 00:18:57,103 --> 00:18:58,448 that is all true. 528 00:18:58,551 --> 00:19:00,068 Give me the knife. 529 00:19:00,172 --> 00:19:01,482 What? Saltine, no. 530 00:19:01,586 --> 00:19:02,689 I thought we had a good thing going. 531 00:19:02,793 --> 00:19:04,275 This won't hurt a bit, boss. 532 00:19:04,379 --> 00:19:05,551 Trust me. 533 00:19:08,310 --> 00:19:09,206 Aw, crap. 534 00:19:09,310 --> 00:19:10,310 Is this curtains for me? 535 00:19:10,413 --> 00:19:11,310 I'm about to be fitted for 536 00:19:11,413 --> 00:19:12,379 a pine overcoat, aren't I? 537 00:19:12,482 --> 00:19:13,689 I don't want to pay Charon's fee 538 00:19:13,793 --> 00:19:15,068 and shake hands with Elvis. 539 00:19:15,172 --> 00:19:16,103 You're telling me I'm gonna be 540 00:19:16,206 --> 00:19:17,413 promoted to Glory? No way. 541 00:19:21,862 --> 00:19:24,413 And now that he's definitely dead, 542 00:19:24,517 --> 00:19:25,620 I can fulfill my destiny 543 00:19:25,724 --> 00:19:26,827 - as the... - I'm back. 544 00:19:28,482 --> 00:19:29,379 Saltine, 545 00:19:29,482 --> 00:19:30,758 you remembered the jerky. 546 00:19:30,862 --> 00:19:33,379 - I did. - That was amazing. 547 00:19:37,413 --> 00:19:39,586 So... you kill people? 548 00:19:39,689 --> 00:19:41,620 It would appear so, yeah. 549 00:19:42,655 --> 00:19:43,620 - Huh. - Truth be told, 550 00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:44,896 this was my first time. 551 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,758 I'm actually having... 552 00:19:46,862 --> 00:19:48,482 having a little trouble with it. 553 00:19:48,586 --> 00:19:50,034 Oh, my God, what have I done?! 554 00:19:50,137 --> 00:19:52,103 His life! I snuffed it out! 555 00:19:52,206 --> 00:19:53,724 He'll never have another birthday! 556 00:19:53,827 --> 00:19:55,689 But he was gonna kill us, right? I had no choice. 557 00:19:55,793 --> 00:19:58,689 You saw, he was evil. Oh, shit, I'm gonna boot. 558 00:19:59,862 --> 00:20:01,310 Oh, no. 559 00:20:01,413 --> 00:20:02,931 He slipped on a rock! You saw! 560 00:20:03,034 --> 00:20:05,413 Oh, God, he had a mother, Saltine! 561 00:20:05,517 --> 00:20:07,034 Oh, fuck. 562 00:20:07,137 --> 00:20:10,275 I'm a piece of shit, I'm a fucking piece of shit! 563 00:20:10,379 --> 00:20:12,586 So it's agreed, we'll never talk about that again. 564 00:20:12,689 --> 00:20:14,275 Yup, you got it. So, are you excited 565 00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:15,965 to make the Arky Rankings this week, Rip? 566 00:20:16,068 --> 00:20:18,034 - The knife makes it a sure bet. - Indeed, 'twould be nice. 567 00:20:18,137 --> 00:20:20,310 But I think it will be many moons longer still. 568 00:20:20,413 --> 00:20:21,620 - What do you mean? - It's the unwritten 569 00:20:21,724 --> 00:20:23,068 arky code, Saltine. 570 00:20:23,172 --> 00:20:24,793 We can't give a cursed object to a museum, 571 00:20:24,896 --> 00:20:27,000 for it will always be targeted by ne'er-do-wells. 572 00:20:27,103 --> 00:20:28,965 I am just happy returning the confetti. 573 00:20:29,068 --> 00:20:30,586 That was step one of your five-point plan, 574 00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:32,000 and I trust your plan. 575 00:20:32,103 --> 00:20:34,862 Perfect, time for step two: Making amends. 576 00:20:34,965 --> 00:20:36,000 Fuck that. I'm out. 577 00:20:51,379 --> 00:20:52,793 Ouch! 578 00:21:06,551 --> 00:21:07,965 Come to papa.