He earned a pretty good bonus this year, so now Aaron is on a billboard.
"I know where you'll live"? Your husband's kind of a creep.
I advised against that slogan, but he was so excited it wasn't taken.
He thinks it's so memorable, it will drive traffic to the business.
I think that's smart,
but he should be towering over the whole city.
The taller the person is, the more I trust them.
He's gonna have bigger things to worry about,
-like someone drawing a dick. -Someone drawing a dick.
That happened out of the gate. I took these in between cleanings.
Let's just say, there's been a diversity of genitalia.
[as Scarface] Say hello to my little friend.
-No. -Sorry.
-Oh, must not have locked it. -What's that?
-Cash money. Dollar bills. -I'll leave before he starts rapping.
She knows me well.
This here is some petty cash
because I have been a TI-89 calculator with the books.
We're in the black!
-Really? -Wow!
Yeah. I thought it would take longer for us to have enough money for a rainy day
or enough to make it rain!
Yeah.
I'll clean it up, sorry.
[theme music playing]
Knock, knock.
That's never been how to knock.
I cashed my last four checks this morning.
Had you misplaced them or did you forget somehow, and why four?
-Why today? -I've always done it this way.
I save $3 per year by only driving to the bank once a month.
[sighs] What a neat thing to learn just now.
I really need you to deposit the checks as you get them.
That seems weird.
That rainy day came faster than I thought.
Excuse me, I need to call the bank.
You do know you can use your phone to deposit a check, right?
Phone data costs more.
You could pay me in quarters.
It'll go a lot further
because the solar storm will reduce us down to bartering our precious metals.
You gotta stop listening to your dad's trucker radio.
Never! We live by road rules.
Hmm. Glad we did this.
If you're doing an Andy Serkis retrospective,
I'd start with 13 Going on 30 and then move to Lord of the Rings.
He transforms that little body of his.
Excuse me. I'm looking for the movie where Adam Sandler
becomes the people whose shoes he wears.
Oh, yeah, that's The Cob-- Nope.
I'll explain the plot of Con Air in one second.
[exhales heavily]
-That's Aaron's Erin, right? -Yep, Girl Erin.
I practiced what I would say to her a million times,
and then I just... froze.
I just knew I had seen that stupid face
next to a "be the light that guides your own path" pillow.
Guess what, you homewrecker?
You don't have to be a yoga master to do downward dog.
Stop posting photos of it!
You follow her on Facebook?
I've kept tabs on her since you told me Aaron slept with her.
I would just die if my Raul ever cheated on me.
-I'm always here for you, mija. -Thanks.
I created a fake account to follow her.
I've reported all her posts for the past six months.
On the bright side, you're so much older and wiser than her.
-What? -[on TV] I'm Lee Imbibo,
filling in for Regina Rosenchurch who's on vacation.
Today's top story is the storm of the digital century.
Experts are saying a solar storm is on the horizon
and could knock out Internet service for an undetermined amount of time...
Yeah. Right. A world without the Internet.
Would Mark Zuckerberg turn to ash? Your dad might be right about the storm.
His natural disaster accuracy is about 60 percent,
but apparently he can't see the disaster he created for me.
Did he park on a squirrel again?
I was preparing to apply for community college.
Had all my paperwork ready. It was gonna be my Elle Woods moment.
I even put in my adoption papers for a chihuahua.
I love you, but get there faster.
It turns out, my forgetful father never filed my home-school paperwork.
I had to tell Chihuahua and Muchachas Rescue
that I couldn't take the dog, because I wasn't a high school graduate.
It was the one thing I could brag about.
You have a lot to be proud of.
Like? My fifth degree black belt? Yeah, Carlos.
People are real impressed that I dedicated most of my life to karate.
There's gotta be a way you can enroll.
The counselor said if I pass the placement exam, then I can enroll.
-Do that. -The deadline is tonight.
I can't brush up on all of high school by tonight.
What am I gonna do?
Ever since I had shrimp nachos, my tastes have become first-class,
and I want more in life,
including going to the shrimp nachos of the educational system:
community college.
I'm headed there now to make a cash deposit.
Sir, if you don't come--
I understand vendor checks will bounce, but it will not come to that.
Would you take a five-minute survey?
No, I would not like to take a five-minute survey about this call.
[Eliza groaning, crying]
Hello?
You should know I took three Krav Maga classes at the YMCA.
Hey, are you okay? What happened?
-If you need to go home... -Mm-mm.
-Do you wanna tell me what's going on? -No, thank you.
Do you want to be alone?
You wanna maybe go to The Donk and get shit-faced drunk?
Can my doughnuts come?
Of course they can.
-[Eliza] Put it on my tab. -[Timmy] No.
This one's on Blockbuster.
Are you sure you should have that in here? I've had my jacket stolen from this place.
Not a problem.
Just think of it as a highly secure metal purse.
I mean, wallet.
Well, I've never said this to anyone, but I appreciate you getting me drunk.
Is it creepy to say "my pleasure"? It's creepy.
I have nothing else but this. I just need to get to the bank by close.
So, what's going on?
My life is not what I thought it would be.
Ugh. "Oh, I just love posting inspirational quotes,
and I love to post selfies when I stage houses."
Who goes to one free yoga class and then puts a Buddha in every room?
Go rent your DVDs from the dumpster, you bag of trash.
Girl Erin came into Blockbuster?
I know there aren't other video stores,
but she should've thought of that before dating a married man.
Gosh. I'm so sorry. That blows.
Well, to better times.
[grunts]
Damn. How was it?
Delicious. I'll have another.
Enjoy Wild Hogs.
But don't go into it expecting actual pigs,
they are completely shut out of this film.
-Okay. -Hannah. Guess what's in my hands now?
-Is Bennigan's back? Is that their menu? -Do they have loaded baked potato soup?
No, but-- You were with me when I printed this out.
Oh, man.
This is a practice placement exam for community college.
I looked the questions over, it's doable.
You may have to brush up on a few subjects,
but you could take it and pass.
-Can't you Google the answers? -It's monitored.
I can't get in trouble with the NSA again.
I have to study up on 12 years with six subjects a year.
That's 72 subjects.
You did that math fast.
You're way smarter than you give yourself credit for.
And you won't be alone in studying.
-You got me and Connie to help you. -Really?
Yes, really. We're gonna Billy Madison you.
I got back together with Aaron for Ali,
but when am I gonna start doing things for myself?
No one tells you one tiny moment in an otherwise very average day
can make you question every decision you've ever made.
You know, whenever my parents would get into a huge fight,
which happened a lot,
my mom could tell I was sad, and she'd try to make up for it
by taking me out for what she would call a "Special Guy Day."
I think you could use a Special Guy Day.
Doesn't your special guy work at the bass shop?
Look, I'm trying to help.
After a Special Guy Day, I'd always feel better,
You will too. Trust me.
I just don't feel like I'm capable of fun right now.
When everything was open around town,
my mom and I would hit up the amusement park, ride go-karts,
we'd eat non-stop,
anything to make Mommy's special guy happy.
But, oh, man, the amusement park shut down.
So... feels like sitting here drinking is probably the move.
There are plenty of things around the strip mall we can do,
and let's get started with a very hot jam.
This is stupid.
That's the spirit. Sometimes my mom would even take me out of school early,
so I am giving you the rest of the day off.
-I was already done with my shift. -You are welcome.
-All right, here we go. -[coin clinks]
A Special Guy Day classic.
["ABC" by The Jackson 5 playing]
If Dominic Toretto and Luke Hobbs are going to Rio De Janeiro,
but Toretto leaves São Paulo at 3 p.m. driving 90 miles an hour,
and Hobbes leaves São Paulo at noon driving 65 miles an hour.
Who gets there first?
Luke Hobbs would rather die than drive the speed limit.
-[Carlos] True. -[Eliza] Why are we here?
Special Guy Day meant a trip to the mall,
but our mall's now a methadone clinic.
-We have Amber and her fashions. -I saved these just for you.
-Ooh! -The fireworks pattern's really fun.
So you've been here before?
-Timmy's a regular. -The compression makes me feel safe.
My mom used to get me a banana split at Beth Ann Creamery.
So good she cried while eating it,
but it got bought out by a year-round Spirit Halloween store.
But look! Bar Banana Splits.
Oh! Cheers!
Oh! How is it sweeter than an actual banana split?
My fillings!
World War II: the longer, higher-budget sequel to World War I,
was started in September of 1939--
Oh, my God, I love him!
-Tom Hanks? -No.
-Tom Sizemore? -[Connie] Who?
-Carlos, don't guess. -That's a real person.
-He's famous. -Matt Damon?
He did a show dressed like a lady.
-Barry Pepper? -Went to the moon.
-Ed Burns. -Taught ladies baseball.
-Tom Hanks! -Yes, him! I love him. Thanks, Hannah.
Here we go. You think this thing gives change?
And it doesn't, but I think if we get that stripeless zebra there, it'll be worth it.
You mean horse, drunky?
Trying to concentrate.
Right. Keep going right. And then my left. Your left, right?
Then left, and then-- No, right, and a little left.
I love that you're feeling better. Hate the backseat driving.
Okay, up, but like in a down way.
A duck!
-[gasps] -[Timmy laughs]
Does that duck have a human dick?
Indeed it does.
-This calls for another drink. -On me.
To human-dick ducks!
So Rex here, not a human, but the anatomy is the same.
-You've got lungs, heart... -[thumping]
...liver, spleen,
gallbladder, pancreas.
Why does it make that sound?
[Timmy] And now time for photos.
Oh, no. I got it.
-Oh. Yep. -I'll just-- How about--?
-Yep. -Okay.
Okay.
We have the whole world at our fingertips.
What the--? Are all these backgrounds our strip mall?
[Eliza] That is so depressing.
-Oh, let's do the dumpster. -Okay.
♪ That's how easy love can be So that's how easy love can be ♪
♪ Singing simple melodies ♪
[Carlos] Shh, shh...
She's gotta be almost done with the practice test.
-How do you think she's doing? -Biting her upper lip,
means she's focused or she's eating her Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker.
Go, go, go.
Act natural! Natural!
Oh, hey. So how did you score?
Ah...
You failed?
But you were so prepared.
You didn't even spell your name right. "Hannah" doesn't have four N's.
I froze.
I was under so much pressure,
and the break room was so quiet, I could hear my thoughts.
We made sure it was quiet so you could focus.
I'm not used to that.
When I did my home-school tests, nothing changed.
My dad would yell at the TV while he burned dinner.
My neighbor blared his car horn. Trains went by.
My cat did this reverse cough thing.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
Even talking about it relaxes me.
I find most white ladies boring, but not you.
No, actually that makes sense.
You were so distracted by everything, you had no time to worry about the test.
I wish I could recreate it, but my dad doesn't watch sports anymore,
and that neighbor drowned in a deep puddle.
I bet we could recreate it.
[Timmy] I'm on my way with the deposit.
I am so sorry, but something came up.
It was a family emergency diarrhea thing.
Weird, it happened to you too.
Okay, well, I am on my way now with all of the money,
or most of it.
Hypothetically, if I didn't have enough cash to cover the vendor checks,
is that a huge problem, among friends?
[Eliza] Tim-A!
Hey!
Thank you.
I didn't know that I needed it,
but now that I know about Special Guy Day,
I'm like, yeah!
-I needed this. -I get it.
Basically saved me as a kid.
But Special Guy Day got weirder as I got older.
Turned into me doing things with my mom she should have been doing with my dad.
A lot of sitting in dressing rooms while she tried on dresses,
went to see Swan Lake, which was actually pretty cool.
One of the dancers broke her leg.
-Yikes. -We even took a couples cooking class.
-With your mother? -Wait for it. Bam.
-[Eliza] No! Wow! -[Timmy chuckles]
Seems like she needed you more than you needed her.
-You're like her little husband. -Ew. Gross.
Well, maybe you're right.
She kind of put all her attention on me to avoid dealing with my dad.
I gotta hit the bank--
You're not allowed to repeat this,
but things have been a little rough for old Eliza.
My daughter's friends call me by my first name,
and that creep at the Gas-n-Guzz
who has sexually harassed me every time I've been in there has stopped.
All of a sudden.
Feminism is weird.
Plus, LinkedIn is shit. Haven't gotten any bites on my résumé.
Wait, what? You're looking for jobs?
I mean, I figured that day would come someday--
Yeah, it's just,
I'm always talking about doing more,
but I've been feeling so stuck.
That's why I'm always bugging you to do more.
Look at how great things are for you.
I'm just trying to take my own advice.
Are you mad at me?
I truly can never be mad at you.
Thanks, Mitch. Keep the change.
Actually, take the bills.
I will take the change,
because there might be a solar storm, I could use the copper and silver.
All right, I need to jet.
Gotta hit the bank while it's still open and I have a few bucks left.
I gotta get back to the guy I don't wanna see.
Stay in school, kids.
-[man] Okay, Mom! -[woman] You're too late!
[Timmy] You know what?
I just realized that I forgot the most important part of Special Guy Day.
I thought you had to get to the bank. Isn't that important?
It is important, but not as important as this.
That can happen tomorrow.
So right now is Guy's Choice.
You can literally choose anything.
So what, Eliza Walker, do you want to do?
I wanna make sure Girl Erin knows exactly who I am.
Hmm.
-Oh! [grunts] -Ooh!
Why is it so wet down here?
Where is she?
I don't see her.
-[camera clicking] -[Timmy] What the hell?
Hey, Timmy.
Gerin. Gerin.
Gerin!
-What are you saying? -Gerin. It's faster than "Girl Erin."
-Hmm. -She's not here.
I was wondering about your plan. Wasn't she here like four hours ago?
Well-played, Girl Erin.
You know because of her, I can't even go to Costco?
It's been six months since I've had a Toaster Strudel.
-How is that her fault? -I won't keep Toaster Strudel in my house.
As an adult.
Yes, I used to love those golden flaky samples when I used to go.
Sorry, sorry.
This is absurd.
Ugh. Oh, God.
I'm just like your mom.
Girl Erin is my you.
Okay, I am pretty drunk,
but I don't remember sleeping with your husband.
No, I put all my attention into her
instead of dealing with the real problem.
Aaron.
And it's easy to hate her,
but she's just some girl.
He's my husband.
I think I wanted it to be good so much that...
I never let myself be mad at him.
And I am really, really mad at him.
You know, I can tell.
Your face is what's called, in some circles, "Ted Kennedy Red."
[laughs]
Come on.
I know what I wanna do.
-Oh, we're crawling. -Yeah, I'm calling an Uber.
All right, I'll put my box away.
Here's your special drink, piping-hot mug of Dr. Pepper.
Thanks, for everything.
You got this.
Places. This is the real deal.
Action, popcorn!
[Ted] You never should've trusted me! I'm on drugs!
My kitty is a foul-mouthed bear from Boston! I think I'm ready.
You call that a pass! Hustle! Run!
[imitating train horn blaring]
-[whispers] It's working! -Great!
Let's go, Pistons!
Beat those baby ducks!
-No baby anything. -No babies.
-[crowd cheering] -[whistle blows]
-[Eliza grunts] -[Timmy] Oh!
[both laughing]
Nice.
Oh! Oh, oh!
This is way more fun than I imagined.
"I know where you'll live." That is a terrible real estate slogan.
-It's the worst! -But if he were a horror movie villain,
"Aaron Walker knows where you'll live and how you'll die."
Bum-bum-bum!
All right. All right.
Between the eyes.
Calling your shot! I love the confidence, Babe Ruth.
[both] Oh!
-Hell of an arm! -Thank you, thank you.
Years of dunk tank training.
Do you know that Aaron doesn't like powdered doughnuts?
What? Is this like a Men in Black situation
where he's an alien pretending to be human?
I know, right? It's not like he's got abs to protect.
Hey, not having abs isn't a crime. It's a sign you're in middle age.
[Eliza] True that.
[both exclaim]
[laughing] Oh, nice!
Why are the results taking so long?
I don't know, but it's making me nervous.
-I'd like to rent this. -SonoftheMask?
It's my husband's birthday, which means sex,
and only Jamie Kennedy can put me in the mood.
Oh.
It's been a while since we've done the old Jamie Kennedy experiment.
-If you know what I mean. -I don't, and I'm good with that.
-Take it. -For free? Are you sure?
-No one but you wants Son of the Mask. -Here's $5.
-Well, okay. -[Carlos] Go, go.
-So? -I passed!
I got into community college.
I-- I'm Elle Woods!
-You got in! -Yeah, baby! You did it!
Hey, wake up.
Eliza.
Where to next?
Nowhere. My night is done.
Can you make sure my friend gets home safe?
Oh, come on! Steve said he'd drive us around as long as we want.
-My name is Victor. -Victor, right.
Timmy, Victor is begging us to keep going.
I really don't care.
There are more billboards we could hit.
I wish I could.
I really wanna keep hanging out.
I have some work to do.
Of course.
You're a great boss.
Thanks again for today.
I couldn't have gotten through it without you, Mr. Blockbuster.
Mr. Blockbuster was my father's name.
[both chuckle]
To McDonald's, Steve!
-[Victor] Victor. -[Eliza] Right, yeah, Victor.
["Give Me the Night" playing]
-Hey, you. -Sorry, I'm late. I got caught up.
It's fine. I was scraping shrimp heads out of a tackle box.
So hot.
I know.
Do you know anything about a bear in my store?
Um... No.
♪ You can throw out all your blues And hit the city lights ♪
♪ 'Cause there's music in the air And lots of lovin' everywhere ♪
♪ So gimme the night ♪
♪ Gimme the night ♪
♪ You need the evening action ♪
♪ A place to dine, a glass of wine ♪
♪ A little late romance ♪
♪ It's a chain reaction ♪
♪ You'll see the people of the world ♪
♪ Coming out to dance ♪
♪ 'Cause there's music in the air And lots of lovin' everywhere ♪
♪ So gimme the night ♪
♪ Gimme the night ♪