♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪
♪ We wish you--
Hello and Merry Christmas.
I am Dwanta Claus, and during this time of the year,
I like to rip the sleeves off my jacket
and put on a hat with a bell,
and I like to reflect back on family, friends,
and what makes this holiday so very special.
I love Christmas
because it's all about the three G's,
gathering, giving, and getting loose on eggnog.
Now of course, when you're a little kid,
it's most about one thing: the toys.
I've been talking a lot about
all the money troubles we had in Hawaii,
but Christmas 1983 was before all that,
when we were still riding high and I was about to learn
a very valuable lesson in gift-giving.
What are these cartoon shoes on your feet?
Nice, right?
They're from the Jane Seymour for Mervyn's collection.
I can't get over these. I love them so much.
They're so soft.
Got them as a little Christmas gift to myself.
Speaking of Christmas gifts...
as much as I love the Radish Baby
that you got me last year...
That doll is not right.
We knew it wasn't exactly what I asked for,
which is fine.
But this year I made it very easy for you.
Here's a page from the toy catalogue
where I figured Skeletor, the action figure I want,
so you know what it looks like.
Why does he have muscles on his body
but not on his face?
Also, I called the store to make sure that it was in stock,
and they've put it aside on a 48-hour hold.
Here's a map, just in case.
Okay. Well, thank you, Dewey.
I will make sure to pass all this info along to Santa.
Sure.
But it's on hold under your name!
You put a lot of thought into what gift you want.
Yeah, well, just between us,
I kind of hate that Radish Baby.
Don't want another disaster like that.
Wait, where did he go?
I hope you put in the same amount of thought
into the gift you get for your mom.
What? Adults give gifts to kids,
not the other way around.
I see. So you don't love your mother.
That's not what I'm saying.
Then why do you want to make her feel unloved?
I don't.
Good, then you will get her a gift.
I'm glad you see it my way, son.
I'm telling you, we need to be making our own baby oil.
That way we don't gotta keep buying it.
Oh, no way, brother.
I do not wanna know how they get oil
out of them babies.
Just saying. - Hey, Dad.
Dewey, what are you doing here?
I need some advice.
I don't know what to get my mom for Christmas.
- Join the club. - Dewey.
You wish to give the gifts this year, huh?
Not just receive them?
You are like a little Père Noel.
I'm going to get you a robe.
You should get her a hot tub, a big one,
you know, one that we can all fit in.
I have a box of costume jewelry
from my great aunt Deb that I am looking to unload.
No, she does not want any more jewelry.
Last year I got us matching diamond tennis bracelets.
She said it was irresponsible...
- Pfft. - Which is crazy.
These are an investment.
Oh, shoot.
Then I guess the hot tub wins.
Oh, make sure it's a big one,
you know, one that we could all fit in.
I don't think I can buy her a hot tub.
Wish I could help you, Dewey,
but your mom is very hard to shop for.
There's gotta be something she'd like.
I wish there was a toy catalogue for adults.
It'd be so much easier if I could just see a bunch
of gifts and choose one.
Dewey, you just described a mall.
Oh, yeah, a mall.
But the mall was a bust.
I wasn't seeing anything I liked for my mom.
However...
Oh, candy.
No. Gotta stay focused.
I'm here for Mom.
Ho, ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Merry Christmas.
Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
Well, aren't you a little big
to sit on Santa's lap?
Yeah, I'm not here for me.
I need to get a gift for my mom.
Well, uh, what does your mom like?
Me.
Anything else?
♪ Hark! The Herald angels-- ♪
I got nothing.
Look, kid, my honest opinion,
it doesn't really matter what the gift is.
What matters is how it makes the person feel.
Well, I'm sure your mom's gonna like anything
you give her, even if you just slap googly eyes on a coconut.
Nice.
Might have overdone it with the glitter paint.
Gonna have to sun dry.
Ah! No!
No!
No, no, no, no, no.
No!
I'm home.
Hi, Mom.
- Were you doing crafts? - No!
I was just... organizing the craft supplies.
Someone put a glue stick inside of the Magic Marker tray.
People are animals.
What a great idea.
Hey, if you're in the mood for organizing,
the linen closet is a disaster.
Yeah, I'll get on that later.
I have an errand to run for Grandma.
What errand?
Her--her mango shipment was late
so she asked me to go to the store and get her some.
Okay, bye.
Smooth, right?
So now I had a Christmas disaster to clean up.
Yes, they're not sold-out.
$15?
What are these made out of, gold doubloons?
Can I help you?
You look too young to be here, but too old to be lost.
Um, I need to get these slippers,
but I can't afford them.
Okay, well, come back when you can.
Merry Christmas.
Wait.
What if I gave you...
four dollars and...
this wallet?
No, sorry.
Look, Brig-itty.
Brigitte.
- Bresheet. - No.
I'm a businessman, and you're a businesswoman.
And as businesspeople, we can both agree
that $15 is way too much for a pair of slippers.
You're too young to know how embarrassing
this is for you, but this is a Mervyn's.
We don't haggle.
I was gonna need a Christmas miracle.
I failed to get my mom new slippers,
and my frustrations were at an all-time high.
Hey!
One of your colleagues gave me some very bad advice earlier.
He said my mom would be happy with anything,
so I made her a stupid coconut with googly eyes,
and then I dropped it on her Jane Seymour slippers.
But I can't replace them
because Mervyn's doesn't haggle.
So now her entire Christmas is ruined,
and she's literally a Christmas angel.
Maybe you should ask Santa to bring you some slippers.
Ho, ho, ho. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Enjoy your orange chicken.
My time had run out.
It was Christmas morning and I got my Skeletor,
which made me feel even worse about the slippers.
Back to socks like the rest of us.
What happened to your poodle shoes?
Can't find them.
I'm hoping they're buried somewhere in the linen closet.
Last gift and it's for you.
But you already gave me my gift,
this, uh, lovely umbrella hat.
So my baby will always have some shade.
- Ah. - But this one's not from me.
It's from Dewey.
It is?
Oh, Dewey, you didn't have to get me anything.
That's so sweet.
Aww.
What is it?
It's a little coconut with googly eyes.
Look at his little hat.
Dewey, I love it so much.
God damn, I could've just been making coconuts.
Okay, let's eat breakfast.
Mr. Coconut gets a special place on the table.
Good job, Dewey.
The slippers.
Mom, I found your slippers.
So to this very day... - Oh!
I don't know if that was Santa Claus or not,
but I do know that I am a believer in Christmas magic
and the gift of giving.
Now that Christmas in Hawaii was the first time
I ever experienced the joy of giving a gift.
And from then on,
I was absolutely obsessed with it.
The coconut with googly eyes became a tradition
for me and my mom.
I still make her one every year.
Hey, can that one be from both of us?
I have no idea what to get her.
Sorry, Dad. These coconuts are all mine.
Dewey, I need you to come to work with me today.
Why?
My client Suzanne is hosting a big Christmas party tonight.
I need extra help with, you know, cleaning,
getting everything set up for her.
Hey, at least you don't have to go to the party.
Probably boring as hell.
Don't include me in your conversation.
No, I don't ski.
We're going to the party as well, you too.
I love how you just assume
that I have nothing to do all day
and free to come to work with you and go to a party.
Do you have something to do today?
No.
Bathrooms are all cleaned and stocked
with Christmas tree hand soaps.
Which I'm pretty sure permanently stained my hands.
Oh.
How's everything going?
- We're all done. - Oh, good.
Well, before you go,
I just wanted to give you a little something.
Damn, that's not a little anything.
Oh, you didn't have to give us a gift.
I just wanted to thank you for all your hard work
this year.
Go ahead. Open it.
Oh! Oh, wow, an ice cream maker.
Oh, this is so nice. Thank you so much.
Yeah, thanks.
We got you something too, uh, just left it at home.
We'll bring it to the party. - Mm-hmm.
Aw, you got me a present?
That is so sweet.
I love presents.
See you tonight?
We didn't get her a present.
We'll figure something out.
That started my next lesson in gift-giving.
As a teenager, I thought it was pretty simple.
You get a gift, and you give a gift.
But it's not always that cut and dry.
He's unable to get up now. A nice--
Rocky, get up.
We need to go to the mall and get Suzanne a gift.
A gift?
But she's your boss. You don't gift up.
Did I ever get a gift for Vince?
You never got a gift for Vince?
The man owns a T. rex skull. The hell can I buy him?
Dewey promised Suzanne a gift,
so now we have to get her a gift,
and it needs to be something as nice
as this beautiful ice cream maker.
Come on. The party's in a couple hours.
Okay, we need a nice gift that costs almost nothing.
Our prayers have been answered.
You wanna enter a radio contest for an ATV?
It's free, ain't it?
I say we just go to Le Chic Boutique
and buy the least expensive thing we can find.
We can get the store to wrap it so it looks fancy.
- Sounds like a plan. - Come on, Rocky.
And go!
Rocky.
Oh, trust me. I can win this thing.
We'll see you at home.
Fans of wrestling, anyone?
Eh, mm.
Ooh, so graceful.
$300?
What, does it grant wishes?
This is the cheapest thing I could find.
"You wash... I'll die."
Instead of "I'll dry."
This is no use.
Everything in here is too expensive.
You know, I could...
What?
I could get us something
without paying for it.
How? Do you have a coupon?
No. I mean...
Stealing?
At Christmastime?
Certainly not anymore.
Should probably pay for this. They're definitely gonna think
we stole something.
Well, at least it's cheap.
- What? - I know what her gift can be.
We can make ice cream for Suzanne.
There's no better feeling than knowing
that someone really appreciates the gift you give them, right?
That's what that gasp was for?
I thought you saw a rat.
There's so many parts to assemble.
First it says we need the driver ring?
- Wait, this is open? - Yeah.
And what's this on the manual?
Is this red wine?
Suzanne must have used this.
This is a regift?
She didn't put any thought into this.
But all she did was wrap up something she didn't want.
That's not even a gift. That's decorated trash.
And that's exactly what we're gonna give her.
Two contestants left.
Who's gonna win? - Aw, you gotta tinkle winkle?
There's a bathroom right over there.
- Whoa! - Ah.
Rocky Johnson!
Can I get your autograph? - Hell yeah.
We have a winner!
Aw, man!
Price of fame.
Come on.
- Hi! - You made it.
We did.
Merry Christmas. - Oh.
You didn't have to get me anything.
Oh.
Uh... I don't wash dishes.
Well, maybe you could spill some red wine on it
and give it to someone else.
Oh.
Thank you. Come in, come in.
Is your husband coming? - Oh, he had to work late.
Oh.
I never forgot that negative experience
with my mom's rich boss.
So when I got to the point in my life
where I had a little more than 7 bucks in my pocket,
I wanted to share it and try to give people the best gifts
they ever got.
Like I remember this one Christmas
at Mick Foley's house.
Now there's one thing you should know about Mick.
He loves Christmas.
God, I love Christmas.
Every year he would host a Christmas party for the guys
and we would all do our Secret Santa.
All right, time for Secret Santa.
Dwayne, since this is your first time
at my Christmas soirée, you get to open first.
Welcome, brother. - Thanks, Mick.
Oh, it's not from me. It's from your Secret Santa.
Oh, okay.
Oh, wow. Nice.
My dad used to have one just like it.
Who was this from? - Me.
I almost got it engraved to say "Never shuts up"...
But it's Christmas.
Thank you.
This one's for...
Me.
When I drew Mick's name for Secret Santa,
I knew I had to go all-out,
so I got him an incredible gift.
Wow. This is...
What am I looking at here?
Well, the coconut is a family tradition.
I make one for my mom every year.
It used to be he was the only gift,
but now he brings other gifts with him.
And he's brought you
an all-inclusive first-class trip
to the Bahamas.
You and your family leave tomorrow
for the weekend.
Merry Christmas!
Or at least I thought it was an incredible gift.
Turns out I had another lesson to learn.
Wow, that's very generous. Thank you.
All right, who's next?
Not quite the reaction I was expecting.
Hey, do you guys think it was weird,
Mick's reaction to my gift?
It seemed like he didn't like it.
I mean, he said thank you.
What more could you ask for, right?
- Ho, ho, ho, ho! - Hey, Santa.
Hey. Excited for your trip?
This time tomorrow, you'll be sitting by the pool.
Actually, this time tomorrow you'll be on your layover
in Charlotte, but it's a nice airport.
Yeah, um, listen, man.
I'm sorry, but I can't go.
It's just I've a thing tomorrow I can't miss.
But I love the coconut. - Oh, my bad.
I, uh--I thought since we had the next few days off work
you'd be okay to travel on the weekend.
Wish I could, but hey, why don't you go?
Have some fun in the sun?
I felt like I had ruined Christmas for Mick.
A bad gift is worse than no gift at all,
so I was determined to get him something better.
Hey, it turns out Mick can't make the trip.
So how 'bout you trade me your Secret Santa gift,
I'll give it to Mick, and you can go to the Bahamas.
Ah, I don't know, man.
You know, I'm just not a huge fan
of flying over water.
♪ Tra-la-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la
Hey, Undertaker,
wanna trade me that-- - No.
Hey, big head.
- Triple H. - I'll trade you.
I'm not a robe guy.
Thanks to my father who could never find the belt for his.
Okay.
Hey, Mick.
Merry Christmas.
Is this for me? You already got me a gift.
Yeah, but I traded it.
I'm sorry, man.
I know how much you love Christmas,
and I ruined your Secret Santa.
I just wanted to get you something great.
Hey, come with me. I wanna show you something.
Okay.
You know how in matches I fall onto thumbtacks?
Of course.
You're the most hardcore out of all of us.
Well, this is every tack
I've ever pulled out of my back after a match,
fused together to form a life-sized Tori Amos.
Wow, I got a lot of questions about this.
I had it made as a reminder of how far I'm willing to go
to give a good show.
And as a reminder of how much I love Tori Amos.
Has Tori seen this?
And if so, is she flattered
or is this a restraining order situation?
I love that feeling, man,
knowing that you gave it absolutely everything you had
and hearing how the crowd loves it.
Giving is what makes me the happiest.
I don't even like receiving gifts.
Oh, I get that. I mean, I'm only wearing this
because I don't wanna hurt Stone Cold's feelings.
Yeah, giving gifts to adults
who can buy whatever they want, it's no fun.
You're just swapping stuff.
That's why I drop toys off at this youth center every year.
That's a real Christmas gift,
donating your time and resources
to help people less fortunate.
I love putting on a show for those kids,
seeing their faces light up.
And I thought André the Giant was Christmas personified.
Oh, ho, ho.
You give him a run for his money.
Wow.
But you know what? That toy drive sounds awesome.
I'd love to come with.
I'd love your help with it, but you can't come.
Heels can't do charity events for kids.
Good guys only.
Right.
But do you know what would make for a good show?
Huh?
You kids must've been real good this year
'cause the big guy sent lots of presents!
Yay!
There was one heel that could be at the event.
Well, well, well.
What do we have here?
The ultimate heel.
Oh, no! It's the Grinch!
You better get out of here, Grinch,
before Stone Cold sticks his mistletoe
right up your chimney.
I'm stealing all the toys I can find
and giving the People's Elbow to every Santa I see.
The only thing you're getting, Grinch,
is a whuppin'!
Yeah?
♪ Lots of mistletoe
- ♪ Lots of snow and ice - Ooh!
Ah!
♪ Everywhere we go
Merry Christmas, Mick.
Back at you, buddy.
And so it turns out the best gift advice
I ever got was from that mall Santa
all those years ago in Hawaii.
It's not about what the gift is.
It's about how it makes the person feel.
Whether they're a fancy gift,
or a homemade gift,
or even just a simple gesture,
gifts are my love language.
This one's a pepper mill
for my good friend, Stanley Tucci.
Merry Christmas, Tooch.
Well, I really enjoyed spending this time
with you all.
And don't forget on Christmas Eve
to leave out some tequila, some sandwiches,
and some cookies for old Dwanta Claus here.
But hold the sandwiches, and hold the cookies.
That's right.
Dwanta's gettin' loaded.
Good night, everyone.
Merry Christmas, Mele Kalikimaka,
and happy holidays to you and your families.
And for all the little kids out there
that might wanna get their parents
the perfect gift, don't worry.
They'll love it no matter what.