(Machines whirring)
Keep shredding the nice lists!
No one's getting presents this year!
Get back to work,
or I'll feed you to Jack frost!
(Pounding at door) (Voices shouting)
Hide! (Person screams)
(Wood splintering)
(Metallic clanging)
(Thuds)
(Hopeful music)
You're safe now. You can come out.
Who are you?
I'm big Tim.
That's right. Tiny Tim is all grown up.
And I need you to help me save Christmas.
Those men out there?
They work for Ibiza scrooge.
(All gasp) Ebenezer's granddaughter?
The very one.
She captured Mrs. Claus, stole Santa's sleigh,
and she's taken New Orleans hostage.
The ghost of Christmas future has shown me what's to come.
And if Ibiza scrooge succeeds at blowing up bourbon street,
Christmas is over forever.
Now, I don't know about you guys,
but I don't want to live in a world without Christmas.
Let's go save Christmas.
(Music fades out)
And cut.
(Bell rings) Good job.
Dwayne, can we, uh...
Yeah, I'd love to.
What's going on with her?
I don't know. That last line, there's just...
Flat. Flat.
Completely flat. Yeah, nothing.
I mean, it doesn't seem like she is remotely moved at all
by my big speech.
You wanna replace her? With who? Kevin hart?
I mean, we can't. She's eight years old.
Would Kevin do this?
No, I don't think we can replace her.
I mean, she's an Oscar nominee, for god's sake.
This is the biggest scene in the movie.
Now, if I can't convince her
that Christmas is worth saving,
then how am I gonna convince the audience?
There's no movie.
Hey, Leslie. Hey.
Is everything okay? You just... you seem a little...
I'm fine.
Just annoyed we're on take nine of this scene.
I mean, you and I,
we've been around for a long time.
Between us,
we're working way too hard for a dumb Christmas movie.
Well, a Christmas peril isn't a dumb Christmas movie.
I know it's based on a dickens classic or whatever,
but a bunch of ghosts
coming to teach you about Christmas spirit?
It's absurd.
I know it sounds absurd, but it's not.
I know because it actually happened to me.
It was Christmas 1982, and I was about your age.
I was living with my family in Hawaii,
and it was going to be the best Christmas ever.
Ho, ho, ho. Merry christm...
(Upbeat music playing)
Commentator: Santa claus is down.
You know what that means.
Mrs. Claus is up for grabs.
Dwayne: My mom and I were at a holiday match
that my grandma was promoting,
and she got all the best guys to participate.
(All cheering)
Young rock: Slay them, Santa dad!
Dwayne: My dad, the sou/man, rocky Johnson,
the iron sheik, andré the giant,
"macho man" Randy savage, and the wild Samoans.
Commentator: Sika has the mistletoe!
If he gets it to Mrs. Claus and kisses her underneath it,
he wins the lady and the match.
He's been notoriously lonely
since his ex-girlfriend stabbed him.
Oh, my god!
Ain't no trade
Santa's got a brand-new bag
(thud)
(Cheers and applause)
Commentator: She doesn't need a Santa.
She's a career woman who can make it on her own.
It's 1982, folks. It's a woman's world.
Yeah! Yeah! (Bell dings)
Here you are, my famous keke pua'a.
All: Ooh!
Finally.
Been waiting all year for these.
(Laughs) You're too slow, rocky.
Get in line, sucker. (Laughs)
Nah, merry Christmas, man. Thanks for having us.
Randy, you never told me
your girlfriend could kick like that.
Ooh, Elizabeth is great.
Yeah, she really gets into character.
I do.
In my mind, Santa cheated on me with an elf,
and I finally had it.
(Laughs)
I cannot wait to open my present tomorrow morning.
I already know what it is.
I only asked for one thing this year.
A boat?
Better. A cabbage patch kid.
(Scoffs) Where are the ribbons?
Where is the tissue paper?
Whoever wrapped this hates children.
My mom. She tries.
Hey, put that back.
It's not Christmas morning yet.
(Whispering) See you tomorrow. (Kisses)
Andre, why are you still dressed as Merlin?
Mean gene, I'm pere Noel.
Who's pere Noel?
He's the father Christmas in France.
So like green Santa?
Green Santa?
(Laughing) No.
He brings Christmas magic to whoever need it most.
(Laughs)
Okay.
I went to three different stores
looking for Dewey's present.
There's that many stores now?
Everywhere was sold out.
But I finally found it. (Exclaims)
I'm going to bed.
It's only 08:30.
Are you even tired?
No, not really.
Hey, sheik, can you choke me out?
Yes, baba.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
What? What did I do?
It's fine. I'lljustdrink nyquil.
Don'tdrink nyquil.
No sleep-enhancing drugs!
(Banging, rustling)
(Suspenseful music)
(Metal clanging)
Santa?
No, dude. I'm you.
From the future.
Wow. Me at 40.
I'm 15.
Fantastic.
I've come to warn you.
Tomorrow is gonna be the worst day of your life.
You really expect me to believe
that the ghost of your 15-year-old self
came to visit your 10-year-old self
on Christmas Eve?
Hey, look, I'm just telling you what happened, all right?
But if you don't wanna hear it,
let's get back to work. Come on.
No, no, no. I didn't say that.
Just voicing some questions. Confinue.
All right, so me and my ghost self,
we were hanging out in my grandma's kitchen.
You can eat?
Yeah, but I don't go to the bathroom.
Whoa.
Wait, how can tomorrow be the worst day of my life?
It's Christmas, and I'm getting a cabbage patch kid.
Check the present.
(Suspenseful music)
What is this?
Radish baby?
A knock-off cabbage patch kid.
Someone told mom it was even more popular
than the regular ones.
No. This is the worst present ever.
That's exactly what you'll say tomorrow morning
when you open it.
Why have you shown me this, spirit?
Well, I figured maybe at least
you could salvage some of this Christmas.
Because from this year forward,
our christmases only get worse.
Worse than this?
There is 1,000% a soul trapped in here.
If you don't believe me, I can show you.
But I'm warning you, it's bad.
(Door opens)
(Indistinct chatter)
(Festive music playing)
Where are we?
Bethlehem, Pennsylvania. 1987.
This is our worst Christmas ever.
Mom?
She can't hear you. No one can.
Money was tight, so we all gotjobs at the mall
to make extra cash for the holidays.
Mom's job was wrapping gifts.
Here you are, sir. Merry Christmas.
It looks like it was stomped on.
With joy?
Reindeer hoofs of joy? (Laughs)
And ourjob was that.
(Santa) Ho, ho!
And what do you want for Christmas?
I want a Nintendo.
A Nintendo, huh?
Well, hopefully, you're on the nice list.
What do you say, elf?
Is Marty on the nice list?
As if this wasn't humiliating enough,
dad decided to start a war with the cheese guy.
This is premium cheese, rolled in nuts,
shaped into a ball.
Behold the holiday cheeseball. (Crowd gasps)
How is he drawing a bigger crowd than me?
Santa's the main event. Thatjoker's the undercard.
Oh, we gotta get eyes back on us.
I'm actually fine with eyes not being on us.
I don't want anyone from school to see me like this.
Well, then, you should have put yourself up for adoption
'cause you got a daddy that likes to be seen.
Ho, ho, ho!
(Laughs)
Feast your eyes on hunky Santa. (Laughs)
Now, don't tell Mrs. Claus. (Laughs)
Drink your milk, children. (Laughs)
Let's see the cheese man do this!
Oh, you mad, cheese guy? Yeah, you mad. Bladow!
(Cheers and applause)
Honestly, I still don't think
this Christmas is worse than radish baby.
You haven't seen the worst part.
Hey, elf, why the long face?
Where is your Christmas spirit?
Be the heel. They'll love it.
Oh, no.
You must be one of those bad elves from the naughty list.
(Crowd oohs) Yeah.
And if you are, you have to do the naughty dance.
(Crowd oohs)
What's the naughty dance?
Just make something up.
(Crowd chanting "naughty dance")
(Crowd cheering)
(Laughter)
Ho, ho, ho. There it is.
Okay. So, we never learned to dance.
Ho, ho, ho!
Shake that Booty! Thunderclaps!
It's raining candy. Ho, ho, ho, ho!
Oh, my god, Karen.
Hey, Dwayne.
Who are they?
My ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend.
She was our girlfriend and you messed it up?
You crazy?
Hey, uh, that was just, like,
a skit me and my dad were doing.
Oh, yeah. It was really funny.
Yeah, maybe you can do another elf dance for us.
Kevin, let's get back to shopping.
Yeah, Kevin, you should get back to fashion bug.
My aunt works there,
and they actually have good belts for men.
Ugh, over this. Outta here.
Karen, come back.
Shut up and get me a candy cane, elf.
You want a candy cane?
Careful, they're bad for your teeth.
(Yells)
Wait, wait, wait, wait! Oh, no!
(Crowd screams)
You hit him with a candy cane just like...
Just like my character does to Ibiza scrooge
in the climactic battle
at the Mercedes-Benz superdome.
You write what you know.
So that fight gets us fired.
That and some literal nuns complained about hunky Santa.
But even worse, the manager docks our pay
because he has to replace the Santa costume and the house.
So we don't even make any money?
Nope. I told you. It's the worst Christmas ever.
I don't know about that.
Who is he?
I don't know.
Both: Wow. Us at 40.
Actually, we're 21.
Welcome to 1993 Miami, little me's.
And to the real worst Christmas ever.
Of course, Christmas ghosts always come in threes.
Were you scared?
Not at first.
Young rock: Look at howjacked I am.
How much can we lift?
What about the treadmill? Can we lift the treadmill?
I didn't bring you here to watch me lift,
though, yeah, sure, I could probably lift the treadmill.
I brought you here because y'all don't know a thing
about bad christmases.
Okay, this is the worst one.
(Suspenseful music)
(Grunts)
Who are you calling?
Mom and dad.
Lia: Watch, iron sheik is about to take out the unsanctioned mistletoe.
I know, Lia. I was there.
I can't believe we're not gonna spend Christmas together.
Yeah, I know. I'm bummed, too, mom.
But everyone stuck around to train for the fiesta bowl.
Why'd you lie to mom?
It was easier than saying, "I don't wanna spend Christmas
"in a cramped apartment listening to dad and grandma
have one of their boozy arguments."
It's smart to own a gun.
What if you need to protect yourself?
Anyone can pull a trigger.
But who needs guns when you got these?
Fist, snap, pick your poison.
Hey, babe. What's Dewey's opinion on guns?
I should get back to practice, mom.
Are you sure you don't want us to come over after?
It's just a quick four-hour drive.
Thanks, but I'll be with the team.
I figured I might as well skip the whole thing.
I mean, what's the point in doing it
if you know it's just gonna disappoint?
Amen, brother.
Don't try and be cool
in front of the coolest version of us, man.
So we're just gonna spend Christmas all alone?
I wish. (Door opens)
Dewey?
What are you doing here, man? It's Christmas Eve.
Coach 0, yeah, I figured I'd just stick around.
Is your family gonna come see you?
Oh, they can't.
They're, um, they're on a cruise.
So what are you doing tonight?
I don't know. Get some subway.
Watch Wayne's world 2.
No, you're coming to my house.
No, coach, you don't have to do that.
Hey, I've seen home alone,
and I ain't gonna let you spend Christmas by yourself.
Too risky. Let's go. (Sighs in exasperation)
(Door opens)
Dwayne, this is my mother, coco orgeron.
And, mama, this is Dwayne.
He was gonna spend Christmas by himself.
Aww, pauve ti bete.
(Speaking cajun)
I love the way she speaks. What language is that?
Cajun-English.
Can't wait to try it. Well, you're gonna have to.
That ain't gonna be ready for at least a couple hours.
Gotta simmer. (Chuckles) Simmer.
Hey, you like music?
(Festive acapella music playing)
Can you believe it? Acapella.
All 33 tracks, no instruments, just mouths.
That's a mouth. That's a mouth. That's a mouth.
Honestly, strong me, I'm a little offended
you think this even compares to radish baby.
Yeah, this is not that bad.
Oh, yeah? Let me fast-forward three hours from now.
Now this is drums.
I'm just kidding! It's a mouth still!
(Laughs)
I'm gonna go check on the gumbo.
There you go.
(Chuckles) Another mouth.
Hey, Mrs. 0. You need any help?
Oh, me. Ain't you sweet, sha? I do gotta visit the cabin.
Y'all stir for me, sha. Stir, stir.
Oh, yeah, now I see why it's the worst Christmas ever.
You had to stir soup.
I didn't just stir it.
I was starving.
I was just trying to speed up the process.
Even I know that's a bad idea!
What you doing?
You put salt in my gumbo?
Messing around with my salt. (Thuds)
(Engine roaring)
Is she okay? Is she dead?
You never touch a woman's gumbo, son! Never!
I'm sorry. But it needed salt.
It didn't. Just drive.
(Engine roaring)
Does she die?
No, she's fine.
The doctors called it a stress faint.
But we spent the rest of the night in the hospital.
That's why this is the worst Christmas ever.
Honestly, ever since radish baby,
Christmas has always found a way to let us down.
We just have terrible christmases
for the rest of our lives?
Looks like it.
(Gentle music)
Is it snowing? In Miami?
But not everywhere?
(Choir vocalizing)
(Laughs) Hey, deweys!
André?
What was in that gumbo?
(Laughing)
Andre? Is that really you?
I am not andré. I'm the pere Noel.
He brings Christmas magic to...
Whoever needs it most.
Yes, he does.
Young rock: Why have you come, pere Noel?
Are you here to change our terrible christmases?
The only thing I'm here to change is your perspectives. Huh?
You deweys are looking at Christmas all wrong.
Let me show you.
(Thuds)
And what do you see here, big Dewey?
Three starving people in a hospital eating jell-o.
Hm-hm.
I see people making the best of a bad situation.
Ooh, almost midnight. (Coah chuckles)
And the man who made sure no one spent Christmas alone.
I'm sorry I ruined your Christmas.
Would've ruined it more if! Knew
you were on your own, Dewey.
Merry Christmas.
(All chuckles)
And you, medium Dewey.
What do you see here?
Two people who just got fired
and are about to go home and not exchange gifts
because they couldn't afford any.
Good luck putting a silver lining on that one.
You are right, medium Dewey.
This Christmas was not so great.
But it was not all bad.
Hey, ready to go?
I have a surprise.
A holiday cheeseball.
Someone asked me to wrap one and then forgot to pick it up.
Come on, dig in.
You do not have much,
but you have two parents who love you.
And that's not nothing.
(All chuckles)
(Switches off light)
Ooh, it's my turn. What do I get to see?
I do not know, tiny Dewey.
Deweys: Easy with the tiny.
(Chuckles softly)
This Christmas has not happened yet.
You are where it all begins.
You can choose to keep things as they are
or change the course of your Christmas futures forever.
Itsahuptoyounow, buddy.
We believe in you.
Now it's time for you to get back to bed.
It's almost Christmas morning.
(Gentle festive music)
What day is it? You there, what day is it?
Couldn't say, little man.
Merry Christmas, baby.
Do you wanna open your present?
Open it up, son.
(Paper rumbling)
A radish baby.
I love it!
Oh, I'm so glad. (Chuckles)
It was sold out everywhere.
But luckily, your dad knew a guy who knew a guy...
Thank you guys so much for looking so hard
for my Christmas present.
I'm really lucky.
Merry Christmas.
Rocky, I know you didn't get any last night.
Thanks, Lia.
Aw, wow.
Hey, get back. Get outta here.
Rocky, it's Christmas.
(Grunts)
Thanks for teaching me the meaning of Christmas
via time travel.
Is it Christmas?
Yeah.
Merry Christmas.
All: Merry Christmas.
Pere Noel taught me
that Christmas is what we make of it.
And the most important thing about our movie
isn't whether or not it makes sense
that big Tim needs Santa's sleigh
to stop Ibiza scrooge from blowing up New Orleans.
The most important thing about our movie
is that families will go see it together.
You're right.
It reminds me of when I was a kid,
and my family would go to the movies on Christmas.
And after, we'd drive home and criticize
all our neighbors' decorations.
(Laughs) It was really nice.
You see, now that's what Christmas is all about.
Those shared memories that people will take with them
for the rest of their lives.
Because love it or hate it,
this time of the year is really special.
Now, I don't know about you,
but I don't wanna live in a world without Christmas.
Let's go save Christmas!
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Hey, Rudolph. (Grunts)
Light the way to bourbon street. (Grunts)
(Gun cocks)
And cut. (Bell rings)
That's great. Fantastic work, people.
Leslie, that was amazing. Greatjob.
Thanks to you. You're a regular pere Noel.
I prefer dwanta claus.
(Laughter)
Look at howjacked we are.
So that's us at 40.
Why would we ever wear a shirt?
I think that's a good idea.