1 00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:07,675 (Applause and cheering) 2 00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:12,263 Okay! All right, ladies and gentlemen, the final votes for tonight. 3 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:14,515 Governor Calhoun, 420. 4 00:00:14,599 --> 00:00:17,685 Congressman Ryan, 453. 5 00:00:17,768 --> 00:00:22,273 Senator Talbot, 1, 785. 6 00:00:24,275 --> 00:00:26,360 President meyer, 1,817. 7 00:00:26,444 --> 00:00:28,112 No candidate has secured 8 00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:34,035 a delegate majority of 2,368, so, we have no nominee. 9 00:00:34,118 --> 00:00:35,870 - Did we win? - Oh, yeah. 10 00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:38,372 I'm the president, and you're the first lady. 11 00:00:38,456 --> 00:00:39,540 Oh, we would crush it. 12 00:00:39,624 --> 00:00:43,294 And it seems, we have ourselves a deadlocked convention, 13 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,171 the first since 1952. 14 00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,924 Senator Talbot has indeed made a miraculous comeback. 15 00:00:48,007 --> 00:00:50,134 You know, it's worse having to hear it from Mike. 16 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,761 Furlong wants to see all the candidates 17 00:00:51,844 --> 00:00:53,137 for a late-night pow-wow. 18 00:00:53,221 --> 00:00:54,972 - Uh, no offense, Marjorie. - Some offense. 19 00:00:55,056 --> 00:00:56,933 You know, mom, you need to tell the party 20 00:00:57,016 --> 00:00:58,827 that they never should have held the convention... 21 00:00:58,851 --> 00:01:00,311 - Oh, my god. - In north Carolina. 22 00:01:00,394 --> 00:01:02,772 Their bathroom bill is an absolute disgrace. 23 00:01:02,855 --> 00:01:05,107 Guys, who gives a shit where people shit? 24 00:01:05,191 --> 00:01:07,360 That is literally the point, mother. 25 00:01:07,443 --> 00:01:10,488 Okay, then we agree. Right? Shut up. 26 00:01:10,571 --> 00:01:13,074 All right, we have to get in touch with all the floor whips. 27 00:01:13,157 --> 00:01:14,218 - Right, okay, great. - We have to make sure 28 00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:16,242 - our delegates hold. - I'll whip the whips, ma'am. 29 00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:18,079 You know, the Chinese are ready to fix... 30 00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:19,932 - (All exclaiming) - This whole damn election 31 00:01:19,956 --> 00:01:20,957 if I can be the nominee. 32 00:01:21,040 --> 00:01:23,280 - I'm not here. Not hearing this. - No, that is the plan. 33 00:01:26,963 --> 00:01:28,965 (Sirens wailing) 34 00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:35,096 - How you doin' there, John? - Outstanding, ma'am. 35 00:01:35,179 --> 00:01:36,597 Ah, that's my hero. 36 00:01:36,681 --> 00:01:38,825 And keep on getting it out there that I plan on choosing 37 00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:40,327 - governor devito as my veep. - Right. 38 00:01:40,351 --> 00:01:42,621 'Cause, you know, we might get a few more delegates out of this. 39 00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:45,940 - Wounded warrior, Roman catholic... - Oh, my god, is that still a thing? 40 00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:48,818 Two-time Ohio governor, 18 electoral college votes. 41 00:01:48,901 --> 00:01:52,029 Yeah, most importantly, he has a penis. Right, governor? 42 00:01:53,155 --> 00:01:54,240 I'm still with you, ma'am! 43 00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:56,742 "Till the end," like we used to say back in Iraq. 44 00:01:56,826 --> 00:01:58,536 Might want to double-check that penis. 45 00:01:58,619 --> 00:01:59,620 That's Kent's job. 46 00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:02,224 Jonah: Mr. Chairman, I would just like to point out 47 00:02:02,248 --> 00:02:04,875 that the official count cannot be trusted. 48 00:02:04,959 --> 00:02:06,919 Oh, no, beautiful mindfuck. 49 00:02:07,003 --> 00:02:09,046 You are not gonna desecrate my convention 50 00:02:09,130 --> 00:02:11,507 with more of this Muslim math nonsense. 51 00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:14,760 How do you explain that when I add up my delegates 52 00:02:14,844 --> 00:02:17,013 - with Christian math... - Amen. 53 00:02:17,096 --> 00:02:19,157 The number is quite different than the official total? 54 00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:20,826 Because you were born with three umbilical cords 55 00:02:20,850 --> 00:02:21,851 wrapped around your neck, 56 00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:23,853 - hep c Kevin mchale. - Jonah: No, iwasn't. 57 00:02:23,936 --> 00:02:26,272 - My apologies, Mr. Chairman. - Madam president. 58 00:02:26,355 --> 00:02:28,107 Selina: What is Leon doing with her? 59 00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:29,275 Installing cameras 60 00:02:29,358 --> 00:02:31,360 - in all her closets and bathrooms. - Right. 61 00:02:31,444 --> 00:02:33,612 So, what did I miss? Did president meyer find a way 62 00:02:33,696 --> 00:02:36,699 to steal the nomination from me, like she stole south Carolina? 63 00:02:36,782 --> 00:02:41,203 Stealing south Carolina is the bedrock of our political system, senator. 64 00:02:41,287 --> 00:02:44,582 Oh, well, there it is, that casual meyer attitude 65 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:47,209 towards criminal enterprise, just like her husband. 66 00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:49,170 - Ex-husband. - Step-husband. 67 00:02:49,253 --> 00:02:51,839 If you can't figure out how to steal south Carolina, 68 00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:53,549 you have no business being president. 69 00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,432 - Oh, is that how you feel? - Yes! Am I right? 70 00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:56,552 (All clamoring) 71 00:02:56,635 --> 00:02:58,888 Hey! Hey! All right! 72 00:02:58,971 --> 00:03:01,515 Right now, every Sunday pundit and poli-sci major 73 00:03:01,599 --> 00:03:05,519 is treating this brokered convention like it's a big-titted college gymnast 74 00:03:05,603 --> 00:03:07,229 whose daddy fucked with her just enough 75 00:03:07,313 --> 00:03:09,732 that she'll do some dirty shit, but she can still cum. 76 00:03:09,815 --> 00:03:12,109 Hittin' a little close to home there, Roger, 77 00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:13,903 minus the big-titted part. 78 00:03:13,986 --> 00:03:15,780 We've never had a complaint, have we? 79 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:19,325 But if we don't pillow-smother this sad grandma of a convention 80 00:03:19,408 --> 00:03:21,535 lickity-fuckin'-split, we are gonna wind up 81 00:03:21,619 --> 00:03:23,079 with four more years of montez 82 00:03:23,162 --> 00:03:25,498 clogging up the white house plumbing with tampons. 83 00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:27,501 - That's not a problem for us. - Okay, it's fine. 84 00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,418 Tomorrow's the second ballot, okay? 85 00:03:29,502 --> 00:03:32,338 None of these delegates are bound to any candidate anymore. 86 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:34,882 So, it's time to get out there and start twisting some arms 87 00:03:34,965 --> 00:03:36,605 and pinching nipples. And what else, will? 88 00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,386 And may the best man win. 89 00:03:38,469 --> 00:03:42,473 And may the hairiest man zip-tie me to a slaughterhouse drainage grate 90 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:45,726 and make tender hate to my rear and mouth, 91 00:03:45,810 --> 00:03:47,954 - in that order, at his leisure. - Roger: (Laughs) Beautiful. 92 00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:50,398 Well done, pig. Dismissed. 93 00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:52,400 Selina, you got a minute? 94 00:03:52,483 --> 00:03:53,859 Roger, I don't want to hear it. 95 00:03:53,943 --> 00:03:56,654 Selina, we need a ticket. Just offer her veep. 96 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,864 You and kemi scissoring at the top of the ticket 97 00:03:58,948 --> 00:04:00,491 is gonna make everyone rock hard. 98 00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,118 I don't need her, okay? 99 00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:04,036 I've got the diving bell and the governor. 100 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,371 - Come on. - Just make the deal! 101 00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:06,622 Or what's gonna happen, will? 102 00:04:07,832 --> 00:04:09,834 Shit, will left. It was a good one. 103 00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:11,669 Sorry to miss that. 104 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:13,421 - Ma'am. - Oh, god. Go away, Amy. Really. 105 00:04:13,504 --> 00:04:14,713 Your voice is like a crow. 106 00:04:14,839 --> 00:04:17,466 - But ma'am, I just want to discuss... - No! I just cannot... 107 00:04:17,550 --> 00:04:21,303 There is no place for Jonah Ryan in my administration. 108 00:04:21,387 --> 00:04:23,305 Or anywhere in the universe 109 00:04:23,389 --> 00:04:25,189 where the building blocks of life are present. 110 00:04:25,266 --> 00:04:27,268 Okay? I'll be right back. 111 00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:29,645 - Uh, caballeros. - Caballeros! 112 00:04:29,728 --> 00:04:32,273 - Do you wanna close the thing? - Ben: Nice try, Amy. 113 00:04:32,356 --> 00:04:33,417 Ben, we've already got Florida. 114 00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:34,793 - Amy? Amy? - We've got a butt-load of delegates. 115 00:04:34,817 --> 00:04:37,403 Your offer is as appealing as a Sriracha enema. 116 00:04:37,486 --> 00:04:40,197 So, fuck your offer, and fuck you. 117 00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:42,801 - It's always good to see ya, Amy. - You, too. I miss you guys. 118 00:04:42,825 --> 00:04:45,035 Amy: Keith, you havin' fun? Keith: Yes, thank you. 119 00:04:45,119 --> 00:04:46,579 Amy: Okay, well, I have to go. 120 00:04:46,662 --> 00:04:48,497 (Applause) 121 00:04:48,581 --> 00:04:51,333 Thank you! Oh... I hope I can count on your support. 122 00:04:51,417 --> 00:04:52,811 What are they clapping like that for? 123 00:04:52,835 --> 00:04:53,878 Congratulations, ma'am. 124 00:04:53,961 --> 00:04:56,547 You just broke north Carolina's transgender bathroom law. 125 00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:57,631 Selina: What? 126 00:04:57,715 --> 00:05:00,509 Dan: I've been fielding media requests all morning, Richard. 127 00:05:00,593 --> 00:05:02,511 The keynote speech was such a hit. 128 00:05:02,595 --> 00:05:05,514 New York times? Krugman is positively creaming his khakis. 129 00:05:05,598 --> 00:05:07,558 Amazing speech last night, governor splett. 130 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,536 - Thank you. Thank you. - What state are you a delegate from? 131 00:05:09,560 --> 00:05:12,188 - The Ukraine. - A Wisconsin sister state. 132 00:05:12,271 --> 00:05:13,831 Can I get a photo with you, please, now? 133 00:05:13,856 --> 00:05:15,576 - Sure. - Absolutely not. Thank you, though. 134 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,085 How about I get one of you two? Sound good? 135 00:05:17,109 --> 00:05:18,402 - Oh, yes. - No, no, that's fine. 136 00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:20,088 So sorry your wife couldn't make the convention, congressman. 137 00:05:20,112 --> 00:05:21,339 - We have to go. Let's go. Come on. - Good seeing you. 138 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,364 Enjoy the convention. 139 00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:26,118 Morning, ma'am. Some disturbing rumblings from justice... 140 00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:27,244 Oh, I'm sorry. 141 00:05:27,328 --> 00:05:29,788 What? It's okay, Ben. You've seen behind the curtain. 142 00:05:29,872 --> 00:05:32,017 My source tells me that kemi's been kicking up some dirt 143 00:05:32,041 --> 00:05:33,042 on the meyer fund. 144 00:05:33,125 --> 00:05:36,128 - Oh, come... well, that's Leon. - I don't know. 145 00:05:36,212 --> 00:05:39,131 Why does everybody get good at their job after I fire them? 146 00:05:39,215 --> 00:05:40,925 - Lip time. Let's do lips. - No, no, no. 147 00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:43,636 I want to save the dubonnet for when I get the nomination. 148 00:05:43,719 --> 00:05:46,347 Okay? 'Cause it's discontinued. I'm wearing this now. 149 00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:47,949 There's a simple solution for this, okay? 150 00:05:47,973 --> 00:05:50,309 - What? - Just ask kemi to be your veep. 151 00:05:50,392 --> 00:05:52,937 I cannot stand her! 152 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,481 And I don't say that about a lot of people. 153 00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:57,775 Plus, she called me a criminal last night. 154 00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,152 Kent and I were up all night doing the numbers... 155 00:06:00,236 --> 00:06:03,572 You know, in the words of the great Eleanor Roosevelt, 156 00:06:03,656 --> 00:06:06,534 - I would rather cheese-grater my clit. - Okay. 157 00:06:06,617 --> 00:06:08,702 - So, we'll put a pin in that. - That, too. 158 00:06:08,786 --> 00:06:11,205 Morning. Mom, you're a regular bathroom warrior. 159 00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:13,040 - Oh, really? - We're very proud of you 160 00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:14,833 for standing up for the trans community. 161 00:06:14,917 --> 00:06:18,629 Thank you, peppermint Patty, but you're not a... 162 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:21,048 - Oh, no, ma'am. I'm a cis woman. - Right. 163 00:06:21,131 --> 00:06:23,842 - That's not a crazy question to ask. - Not at all. 164 00:06:23,926 --> 00:06:28,013 You and your gay pals can make me the grand marshal 165 00:06:28,097 --> 00:06:31,225 of the next parade that you have that messes up all the traffic. 166 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:33,894 Actually, ma'am, it's a myth that lesbians and gay men 167 00:06:33,978 --> 00:06:35,354 have any natural affinity. 168 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:38,482 As a matter of fact, gertrude Stein was physically disgusted 169 00:06:38,566 --> 00:06:40,276 - by male homosexuals. - Excuse me? 170 00:06:40,359 --> 00:06:42,069 How'd she feel about tedious lesbians? 171 00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:43,153 Big fan, ma'am. 172 00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:49,535 So, how's the piss heard around the world 173 00:06:49,618 --> 00:06:50,911 playing with all the delegates? 174 00:06:50,995 --> 00:06:54,373 Ma'am, the NYPD found a Van full of explosives at Kennedy airport. 175 00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:56,458 This is why everyone should just fly private. 176 00:06:56,542 --> 00:06:58,520 You've been completely knocked out of the news cycle. 177 00:06:58,544 --> 00:06:59,628 Selina: Oh, god. 178 00:06:59,712 --> 00:07:02,590 Ma'am, governor devito is here to speak with you about his speech. 179 00:07:02,673 --> 00:07:05,259 Okay, great! (Chuckles) John-boy! 180 00:07:06,343 --> 00:07:07,344 Johnny? 181 00:07:08,220 --> 00:07:09,305 Gary: Hmm. 182 00:07:09,763 --> 00:07:10,764 Selina: Is he... 183 00:07:11,140 --> 00:07:13,267 Ah! And there he is! 184 00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:15,477 - Governor devito. - Selina: Yes. My running mate. 185 00:07:15,561 --> 00:07:17,563 Well, not literally, of course, but... 186 00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:20,190 Did you get a chance to review my nominating speech? 187 00:07:20,274 --> 00:07:22,192 I did, and I have to tell you something. 188 00:07:22,276 --> 00:07:23,736 It is a delight. 189 00:07:23,819 --> 00:07:26,259 - I wouldn't change a word. Right, Ben? - Awesome. Absolutely. 190 00:07:26,322 --> 00:07:29,158 So, I'm gonna actually talk to Kent about some numbers. 191 00:07:29,241 --> 00:07:30,927 - Kent. - The president, she loved your speech. 192 00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,912 Especially the line "there are really three Americas." 193 00:07:33,996 --> 00:07:35,414 I'm so glad you responded to that. 194 00:07:35,497 --> 00:07:37,333 She's gonna use that in her speech. 195 00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,084 Pretend to talk to me about numbers. 196 00:07:39,168 --> 00:07:41,462 The most compelling number to me is not a number at all, 197 00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:43,464 - it's a concept. - I said pretend, okay? 198 00:07:43,547 --> 00:07:45,966 I was pretending. My favorite number is euler's number. 199 00:07:46,050 --> 00:07:47,290 She's also gonna take the line, 200 00:07:47,343 --> 00:07:49,470 "no matter what, I will always stand for america." 201 00:07:49,553 --> 00:07:51,680 - That's a reference to my leg. - She'|I tweak it. 202 00:07:51,764 --> 00:07:53,199 Okay. So, are we good, then? Everything cool? 203 00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:54,808 - Great. All set. - Okay. Fantastic. 204 00:07:54,892 --> 00:07:56,226 Thank you so much for coming. 205 00:07:56,310 --> 00:07:59,229 Really. Honestly. Bye-bye. Take care. 206 00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:03,776 So good seein' ya. 207 00:08:03,859 --> 00:08:05,194 Take good care. 208 00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:07,446 - Madam president. - Yeah, yeah. 209 00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,198 We're still good on the veep slot, right? 210 00:08:09,281 --> 00:08:11,158 Oh, yeah, 100%. You're my veep. 211 00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:13,619 - All right. - (Chuckles) Great. 212 00:08:14,662 --> 00:08:15,913 See you soon. 213 00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:21,043 - (Door closes) - I want to offer buddy Calhoun veep. 214 00:08:21,126 --> 00:08:22,479 - Okay. - 'Cause with his delegates 215 00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:24,421 and all that Bible-y bs, 216 00:08:24,505 --> 00:08:26,441 the rest of the delegates'll have to fall in line, 217 00:08:26,465 --> 00:08:29,510 and kemi can go and suck lecture-circuit dick in hell. 218 00:08:29,593 --> 00:08:31,261 And by "hell," I mean the Kennedy school. 219 00:08:31,345 --> 00:08:32,638 - Hey, ma'am. - Selina: Yeah. 220 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,241 The floor whips are picking up a rumor 221 00:08:34,306 --> 00:08:36,308 that buddy is flirting with endorsing kemi. 222 00:08:36,392 --> 00:08:38,192 Oh, please. Buddy's not flirting with anything 223 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,437 that's not wearing a leather vest and a Nazi cap. 224 00:08:40,521 --> 00:08:41,522 Hey, guys. 225 00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:44,233 God created men's rooms and women's rooms, 226 00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:45,943 not "everyone rooms". 227 00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,112 I don't think buddy's gonna be taking your veep slot. 228 00:08:48,195 --> 00:08:49,571 I don't want to go into a bathroom 229 00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:52,282 and be next to a woman who is looking at my genitals. 230 00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:54,618 I want that person that I'm next to, 231 00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:56,912 to be a man, or, better yet, lots of men. 232 00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:59,164 Glory, glory, hole-elujah. 233 00:08:59,248 --> 00:09:01,959 Ma'am, if governor Calhoun is joining forces with kemi... 234 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,812 - We've gotta call kemi right away. - Selina: No! 235 00:09:03,836 --> 00:09:06,588 Not her! We're gonna call Amy... 236 00:09:06,672 --> 00:09:08,298 - Ben: Brookheimer. - Brookheimer. 237 00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:10,777 Jonah: What are you guys doing here? 238 00:09:10,801 --> 00:09:12,821 You here to see me get interviewed by Mike on CBS news? 239 00:09:12,845 --> 00:09:14,847 Oh, I wish, but I'm in a bit of a rush. 240 00:09:14,930 --> 00:09:16,974 I've gotta go be interviewed by Mike on CBS. 241 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,451 Guess that means you've been bumped. 242 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,161 Although, you know what? Abc news is doing a piece 243 00:09:20,185 --> 00:09:22,646 on presidential also-rans who can almost suck their own dicks. 244 00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:24,499 So, while you're in makeup, why don't you go talk to them? 245 00:09:24,523 --> 00:09:25,899 Oh, like you've never tried. 246 00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:27,043 I'm probably gonna need that mic. 247 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:30,237 You came to the convention as governor Richard splett of Iowa, 248 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:33,365 but after your electrifying speech just two nights ago, 249 00:09:33,449 --> 00:09:36,744 party insiders are calling you Richard splett, "future of the party." 250 00:09:36,827 --> 00:09:38,680 Honestly, I'm glad that what I said resonated with folks. 251 00:09:38,704 --> 00:09:41,623 Plus, it gave me a chance to break out my asl skills. 252 00:09:41,707 --> 00:09:45,335 You know, for the deaf American delegates. 253 00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:47,755 Yeah. All right, let's talk Turkey, governor. 254 00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:49,840 - Wonderful pets. - What about all these rumors 255 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,050 that senator Talbot is talking to you 256 00:09:52,134 --> 00:09:54,219 about a position in her administration? 257 00:09:54,303 --> 00:09:57,639 When you listen to rumors, you rue more than... 258 00:09:57,723 --> 00:09:59,367 Nope. I don't know where I was going with that. 259 00:09:59,391 --> 00:10:00,934 Works in sign language. 260 00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:04,229 Very cagey. Jane, back to you. 261 00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,046 - All clear! - Thanks for having me. 262 00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:09,276 Richard, that was fantastic. Us weekly wants to do a piece on you. 263 00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:11,171 Twenty-five things that no one knows about you. 264 00:10:11,195 --> 00:10:12,696 Well, number one is, I love lists. 265 00:10:12,780 --> 00:10:14,198 - Oh, Dan! - Oh, hey, man. 266 00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,991 - What kind of suit is that? - Uh... 267 00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:17,201 Hugo boss? (Scoffs) 268 00:10:17,284 --> 00:10:19,953 - What's wrong with the suit? - Oh, it's not network. 269 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:23,582 Woman: Hello, fellow Americans! 270 00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,185 - Ma'am. You wanted to see me? - Selina: Ben. Move. 271 00:10:25,209 --> 00:10:28,212 Amy, we've been working together a really long time, 272 00:10:28,295 --> 00:10:30,756 it just occurred to me, and you've always been kind of like... 273 00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:32,466 - Daughter? - A sister to me. 274 00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:33,759 More like a childless aunt. 275 00:10:33,842 --> 00:10:36,154 I just thought for old times' sake, I might throw you a bone. 276 00:10:36,178 --> 00:10:40,390 Have Jonah instruct his delegates of Dr. Moreau 277 00:10:40,474 --> 00:10:43,602 to back me on the second ballot tonight, 278 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,855 and we might be able to find something for him at... 279 00:10:46,939 --> 00:10:50,651 Ben? Where can he do the least amount of harm? 280 00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:54,321 - Epa. - Perfect. 281 00:10:54,404 --> 00:10:56,448 (Laughing) 282 00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,785 What is happening? 283 00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:02,371 - Was she always like this? - It used to be worse. 284 00:11:02,454 --> 00:11:03,914 You haven't heard. 285 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,165 I haven't heard what, Amy? 286 00:11:05,249 --> 00:11:06,792 Oh, shit. 287 00:11:06,875 --> 00:11:09,670 The suspect in the jfk bombing 288 00:11:09,753 --> 00:11:13,924 is one Mr. Abdul azeem, a high school mathematics teacher 289 00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,844 whose Facebook page is all about radical islam 290 00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:19,805 - and trigonometry. - So are a lot of people's. 291 00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:20,889 Move. Move! 292 00:11:20,973 --> 00:11:24,226 Azeem teaches seventh grade algebra and eighth grade trigonometry... 293 00:11:24,309 --> 00:11:27,020 Jonah was right. 294 00:11:27,104 --> 00:11:30,274 He was spectacularly right! 295 00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:32,401 And you know what that makes me, sister? 296 00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:34,194 - Spitty? - The campaign manager 297 00:11:34,278 --> 00:11:37,447 for the next president of the United States! 298 00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:41,535 So, if you want to discuss potential opportunities for yourself 299 00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:44,037 in the Ryan administration, 300 00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:47,457 maybe I'll throw you a bone. 301 00:11:49,126 --> 00:11:52,713 - Ma'am, this is bad. - I know. 302 00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:54,464 Do you want me to take care of Amy? 303 00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:59,261 For the last year, I have been crisscrossing the country, 304 00:11:59,344 --> 00:12:03,682 warning america about the threat of math to our way of life. 305 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,184 - Man: Yeah! - Which is why, "president meyer, 306 00:12:06,268 --> 00:12:09,062 senator Talbot, and governor Calhoun," 307 00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:11,148 I have something to say to you. 308 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:12,566 I told you so! 309 00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:14,610 - He told you so! - Yeah! 310 00:12:14,693 --> 00:12:15,819 Oh, hey... 311 00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:18,196 Do you remember my five-alarm hottie of a wife, Beth? 312 00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,032 She just got out of rehab today. 313 00:12:20,115 --> 00:12:22,618 Yeah! And plus, while she was in there, 314 00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,995 she dropped a couple pounds in all the right places, 315 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:27,664 so, she's hella even hotter than she was before. 316 00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:30,459 - Man 2: Kill her! - Yeah! I mean, not her, man, 317 00:12:30,542 --> 00:12:32,252 but yeah, sure. 318 00:12:32,336 --> 00:12:35,088 Look, I love america, 319 00:12:35,172 --> 00:12:37,841 but it is time to face facts. 320 00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:41,094 This is a horrific country that is falling apart 321 00:12:41,178 --> 00:12:43,972 because it is full of people who are different than me. 322 00:12:44,056 --> 00:12:45,724 I was right! 323 00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:48,101 And that means I should be president! 324 00:12:48,185 --> 00:12:50,354 - Thank you! Thank you! - (Cheering) 325 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:54,983 That is 34 more delegates from selina and 17 from kemi. 326 00:12:55,067 --> 00:12:57,235 - We have Florida... - Jonah: That's right, guys, 327 00:12:57,319 --> 00:13:01,156 next stop, the white house, and then it's payback time! 328 00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:03,075 - Mom! - Hi, Clay! 329 00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:04,826 - She's out? - Oh, no, I'm all better. 330 00:13:04,910 --> 00:13:06,453 - Hi, Beth. - Oh, hi, Amber. 331 00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:08,956 We just got denounced by the aclu. 332 00:13:09,039 --> 00:13:12,084 We are going to win this thing! 333 00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:15,087 _j _-yes! Onie, my boy! 334 00:13:15,170 --> 00:13:16,380 - Fuck me! - We did it! 335 00:13:16,463 --> 00:13:19,633 Ever since you were little, I've been telling your mom, 336 00:13:19,716 --> 00:13:22,386 "someday that beautiful, brilliant boy of yours 337 00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:24,262 "is gonna do great things!" 338 00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:26,974 I thought you told my mom to sell me to a child molester 339 00:13:27,057 --> 00:13:28,725 and use the money to get her tubes tied. 340 00:13:28,809 --> 00:13:29,977 Eh, we're family. 341 00:13:30,060 --> 00:13:32,354 Come here, you! 342 00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:35,399 You know, the Jews have a word for this feeling I'm having right now. 343 00:13:35,482 --> 00:13:38,735 I can't remember it. It sounds like three Germans cumming real hard 344 00:13:38,819 --> 00:13:40,612 inside something that doesn't want them to. 345 00:13:40,946 --> 00:13:43,407 Oh, Jewish is such a beautiful language. 346 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:47,202 That's not the only reason I'm here. I come bearing gifts! 347 00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:51,248 New Hampshire's 27 delegates are yours! 348 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:52,874 Jonah: Thank you, uncle Jeff! 349 00:13:52,958 --> 00:13:55,210 Beth: Oh, my god, baby. Jeff: Get me Vermont. 350 00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:58,714 - God, yes! This is Jeff Kane. Mmm-hmm. - I think I can sweet-talk them. 351 00:13:58,797 --> 00:14:00,882 Yeah, Jeff Kane. Who am I speaking with? 352 00:14:01,675 --> 00:14:03,135 Oh, how's your dad? 353 00:14:03,218 --> 00:14:04,553 Uh-huh, uh-huh. 354 00:14:04,636 --> 00:14:06,179 Okay, shut the fuck up! 355 00:14:06,263 --> 00:14:08,598 Listen, you Subaru-driving bull dykes! 356 00:14:08,682 --> 00:14:10,767 You better back Jonah on the next ballot, 357 00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,352 or you will be leaf-peeping 358 00:14:12,436 --> 00:14:15,939 from inside your own maple syrup-soaked assholes! 359 00:14:17,983 --> 00:14:20,610 I'll give 'em five minutes, then I'll hit 'em with bad cop. 360 00:14:20,694 --> 00:14:22,779 They're calling it Ryan fever. 361 00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:25,991 The former congressman's message is finding a new audience... 362 00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:29,745 Assemblyman, I have been to buffalo six times, 363 00:14:29,828 --> 00:14:31,621 and I'm not even a serial killer. 364 00:14:31,705 --> 00:14:33,582 So I... okay, forget it. 365 00:14:33,665 --> 00:14:35,876 - Ma'am. Ma'am. - What? What? 366 00:14:35,959 --> 00:14:37,836 The captain of the Texas delegation 367 00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:42,257 says that all of his bum steers are stampeding towards Jonah! 368 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:43,735 - No. - No, no. We cannot lose Texas. 369 00:14:43,759 --> 00:14:45,135 - No. - Texas is our firewall! 370 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:48,472 Right, whoa, listen, Ben, you gotta go back to Texas right now, okay? 371 00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:52,392 And just tell 'em they can violate me with their assault rifles 372 00:14:52,476 --> 00:14:53,977 and a full slab of ribs 373 00:14:54,061 --> 00:14:57,355 on top of a stack of slavery-free history textbooks. 374 00:14:57,439 --> 00:14:58,499 - You gotta go do that, Ben. - Yeah. 375 00:14:58,523 --> 00:15:00,525 - Go do that right now. - Texas is our firewall. 376 00:15:00,609 --> 00:15:02,045 - Selina: Yeah, do it. - Ma'am. Ma'am? 377 00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,546 - Selina: Yeah, what is it? - You need to see this. 378 00:15:03,570 --> 00:15:05,864 Kemi: We never got proper answers 379 00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:08,533 about the meyer fund or its many foreign donors. 380 00:15:08,617 --> 00:15:10,202 - This is Leon. - That is why I've asked 381 00:15:10,285 --> 00:15:11,745 the justice department and the FBI 382 00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:14,414 - to reopen its investigation. - Oh, my god. 383 00:15:14,498 --> 00:15:17,167 The president was in close contact with her husband Andrew meyer... 384 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,251 Selina: The FBI? 385 00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:19,771 Up until his extremely suspicious death. 386 00:15:19,795 --> 00:15:23,256 Why is this so hard? 387 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:26,301 I just wanna be president. 388 00:15:27,052 --> 00:15:29,179 Do you want six almonds? 389 00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:35,102 This, Kent, is why I was right not to offer her veep. 390 00:15:35,185 --> 00:15:37,479 - She's the worst. - Yeah. 391 00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:39,397 Ma'am, all due respect, 392 00:15:39,481 --> 00:15:42,651 maybe you should consider being her veep. 393 00:15:45,529 --> 00:15:47,155 That's not fucking funny, Kent. 394 00:15:47,239 --> 00:15:49,574 I haven't been funny since 1987. 395 00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:51,993 - Will: Uh, ma'am? - What? 396 00:15:52,077 --> 00:15:53,620 Adios, new Mexico. 397 00:15:53,703 --> 00:15:55,038 (Groans) 398 00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:56,164 (Panting) 399 00:15:56,248 --> 00:15:57,391 - Oh, hey, Ben. - Out of my way. 400 00:15:57,415 --> 00:15:58,416 Sorry. Captain. 401 00:15:58,500 --> 00:16:01,002 - Jesus. - At least he's getting some exercise. 402 00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:03,797 Oh, yes! (Chuckles) Politico's reporting 403 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,150 that Jonah's talking to you about the secretary of commerce. 404 00:16:06,174 --> 00:16:08,718 I wish. Sounds much better than the conversation we were having 405 00:16:08,802 --> 00:16:10,220 about why his urine is pink. 406 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:11,304 We ruled out beets 407 00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:12,448 because he doesn't know what those are. 408 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,575 Then had to rule it right back in for the same reason. 409 00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:16,977 Richard, look, there was no offer, okay? 410 00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:19,479 It was me, all right? I pulled that turd out of my ass, 411 00:16:19,563 --> 00:16:21,415 covered it in ketchup, and politico asked for seconds. 412 00:16:21,439 --> 00:16:22,750 You could've ended that sentence at "me." 413 00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:23,876 All right, listen, one thing is clear 414 00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:25,986 after this runaway-Ferris wheel of a convention, 415 00:16:26,069 --> 00:16:28,749 and that's that montez is gonna be president for another four years. 416 00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:30,967 Makes sense. She made me proud to be an American again. 417 00:16:30,991 --> 00:16:33,285 Okay, but after that, it's splett time. 418 00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:34,661 We can't call it that 419 00:16:34,744 --> 00:16:36,830 unless we want to get sued by my uncle's podcast. 420 00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:41,501 No, senator, this whole meyer fund story is a distraction, sir, 421 00:16:41,585 --> 00:16:44,671 the way a magician does tricks to distract you 422 00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:47,382 from how depressing his life is. 423 00:16:47,465 --> 00:16:49,551 - And I'm gonna... I'll call you back. - I... 424 00:16:49,634 --> 00:16:52,095 - So, what'd you find out? - (Babbling) 425 00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:54,556 - What? - Ajai... ajai... 426 00:16:54,639 --> 00:16:56,016 "Ajai"? 427 00:16:56,099 --> 00:16:58,077 Oh, my god! Oh, my god! He's having a heart attack! 428 00:16:58,101 --> 00:17:00,187 - Eighth time's the charm. - Oh, my god! 429 00:17:00,270 --> 00:17:01,855 Stay here with us, Ben! 430 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,900 I don't know the names of any of the floor whips. 431 00:17:04,983 --> 00:17:06,735 We need emts up at the meyer box, stat. 432 00:17:06,818 --> 00:17:09,988 White male, type 2 diabetes... Also type 1. 433 00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:11,674 Ma'am, there's something happening out on the floor. 434 00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,634 Ma'am, there's something happening on the floor you need to see. 435 00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,887 Gary: I'm gonna roll you over, Ben. I'm gonna roll you over. 436 00:17:15,911 --> 00:17:17,204 No, no! No. 437 00:17:17,621 --> 00:17:19,414 - What? - Just look down there. 438 00:17:19,497 --> 00:17:21,017 - (Chanting) Draft Tom James! - (Gasps) 439 00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:23,168 You know, I just want to say, 440 00:17:23,251 --> 00:17:26,504 I was roadkill on the side of the political highway. 441 00:17:26,588 --> 00:17:27,631 (All laugh) 442 00:17:27,714 --> 00:17:29,883 One of the nice things about being dead is, 443 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:31,593 it gives you time to think. 444 00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:33,595 Also, fewer telemarketers. 445 00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:34,888 (All laughing) 446 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:36,556 But I thought, and I thought 447 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:39,226 that I don't like the direction our party is taking. 448 00:17:39,309 --> 00:17:41,853 Maybe the reason we can't find a nominee is, 449 00:17:41,937 --> 00:17:44,356 everyone's just saying the same old same-old. 450 00:17:44,439 --> 00:17:46,775 - Man: Run, Tom, run! - (Chanting) Run, Tom, run! Run... 451 00:17:46,858 --> 00:17:48,652 What do you think I'm trying to do? 452 00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,987 Powerful words from Tom James. 453 00:17:51,071 --> 00:17:52,948 Let's go now to Michael mclintock 454 00:17:53,031 --> 00:17:55,408 on the convention floor with senator Tom James, 455 00:17:55,492 --> 00:17:58,787 whose potential hail Mary is gaining steam. 456 00:17:58,912 --> 00:18:00,205 I'm reading the wrong card. 457 00:18:02,916 --> 00:18:06,461 News anchor: Many now say Tom James is the only answer they'll accept 458 00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,588 as the brokered convention drags on. 459 00:18:08,672 --> 00:18:11,466 I honestly think I might be in hell. 460 00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:12,610 Kent: No such place, ma'am. 461 00:18:12,634 --> 00:18:14,552 The concept of hell is a cultural memory 462 00:18:14,636 --> 00:18:18,390 of pre-mosaic child sacrifice among proto-judean peoples. 463 00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:21,226 - You're making a strong case for hell. - Tom played it perfectly. 464 00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:24,271 He'll clinch the nomination on tomorrow night's ballot. 465 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:25,981 - (Knocks) - Knock, knock. 466 00:18:27,107 --> 00:18:28,441 Take state. 467 00:18:28,525 --> 00:18:30,151 Senator. 468 00:18:30,235 --> 00:18:32,570 - Here to rub it in, Tom? - No rubbing. 469 00:18:32,654 --> 00:18:34,698 Gary. Get. 470 00:18:35,949 --> 00:18:38,451 No, I just came by to see how Ben was. 471 00:18:38,535 --> 00:18:40,370 My first congressional race. 472 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,747 Ben can't have been more than 140 years old. 473 00:18:42,831 --> 00:18:44,833 He ran the other guy, wiped the floor with me. 474 00:18:44,916 --> 00:18:48,461 Well, they may have to put him in a medically induced coma, so... 475 00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:49,796 It's what he always wanted. 476 00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:51,423 All right, let's go. 477 00:18:51,506 --> 00:18:52,507 Start your gloating, 478 00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:55,593 make whatever insulting offer it is you're gonna make. 479 00:18:55,677 --> 00:18:56,988 I didn't come here to make an offer. 480 00:18:57,012 --> 00:18:58,596 I don't have the Patience for this. 481 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,241 All right? And I'm certainly not gonna beg. 482 00:19:00,265 --> 00:19:02,851 I'm not asking you to beg. There's nothing to beg for. 483 00:19:02,934 --> 00:19:05,270 You don't have a political future, selina. 484 00:19:05,353 --> 00:19:07,397 That is your punishment. 485 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:10,984 Punishment? What are you talking about? 486 00:19:11,067 --> 00:19:13,653 I have people who like me, lots of people with signs, 487 00:19:13,737 --> 00:19:16,114 "new selina now," that is working. That... 488 00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:18,366 The party and the nation will never forget 489 00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:20,493 all that door you pushed open, 490 00:19:20,577 --> 00:19:24,372 yes, backwards and in heels. 491 00:19:24,456 --> 00:19:25,665 Hang in there. 492 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:30,587 Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. 493 00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:33,423 Please, come on. If... 494 00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:37,761 Tom, when we're not the worst team ever, 495 00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,804 we make a really good team! 496 00:19:39,888 --> 00:19:40,889 Please! 497 00:19:40,972 --> 00:19:42,057 (Knock on door) 498 00:19:42,140 --> 00:19:43,266 Oh, madam president. 499 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,643 Senator, the New York delegation is on the phone. 500 00:19:45,727 --> 00:19:47,437 Well, it's been fun. 501 00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:51,232 Let's do this again at Ben's next cardiopulmonary event. 502 00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:53,943 I'll wave at you from the stage. 503 00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:55,320 Yeah, well, that was gloating. 504 00:19:55,403 --> 00:19:57,072 - A little bit. - Yeah. 505 00:19:59,657 --> 00:20:02,619 Wipe that grin-eating dick off your face. 506 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:16,841 (Sighs) 507 00:20:19,636 --> 00:20:20,970 (Ben groans) 508 00:20:21,971 --> 00:20:24,140 I could use a drink. 509 00:20:24,224 --> 00:20:26,476 Yeah. Me, too. 510 00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:28,561 (Sighs) 511 00:20:28,645 --> 00:20:30,146 Tom James. 512 00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:32,982 Kent says he'll take it on tomorrow night's ballot. 513 00:20:33,066 --> 00:20:34,859 I think this is it for me, too. 514 00:20:34,943 --> 00:20:37,487 Oh, no. You're gonna be fine. 515 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,489 You're gonna be good as new, 516 00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:41,908 and then we'll figure out my next move. 517 00:20:41,991 --> 00:20:44,869 You know, I've had a dozen heart attacks, and... 518 00:20:44,953 --> 00:20:48,123 You know, if I play my cards right, I'll have a dozen more, 519 00:20:48,206 --> 00:20:50,417 but I think this is my last rodeo. 520 00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:54,003 No, Ben! You're my hatchet man. 521 00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:58,925 You're the hatchet man. I need you. 522 00:21:00,427 --> 00:21:02,887 (Sobbing) How can I do this without you? 523 00:21:02,971 --> 00:21:04,931 Don't be an idiot, selina. 524 00:21:06,558 --> 00:21:08,601 You know exactly what to do. 525 00:21:12,439 --> 00:21:13,440 Yeah. 526 00:21:13,815 --> 00:21:14,816 Yeah. 527 00:21:15,233 --> 00:21:16,693 Okay. 528 00:21:19,821 --> 00:21:22,031 (Sobbing) 529 00:21:24,325 --> 00:21:26,536 Hey, do me a favor. 530 00:21:26,619 --> 00:21:27,704 (Sniffling) 531 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:28,872 What? 532 00:21:30,165 --> 00:21:33,126 Don't tell my wife and kids, okay? 533 00:21:33,209 --> 00:21:34,919 I mean, I could really use the break. 534 00:21:35,545 --> 00:21:38,214 That's not a problem. I've never met 'em. 535 00:21:41,134 --> 00:21:43,470 (Breathes deeply) 536 00:21:53,563 --> 00:21:54,564 Ma'am. 537 00:21:56,733 --> 00:21:57,734 Okay. 538 00:21:59,027 --> 00:22:00,862 Tom's making a move on New York, 539 00:22:00,945 --> 00:22:04,657 so, you get a hold of governor schnozzlestein right now, 540 00:22:04,741 --> 00:22:06,409 you tell him I want to see him tonight. 541 00:22:06,493 --> 00:22:08,286 I'm not gonna let them take this from me. 542 00:22:08,369 --> 00:22:09,871 - Mmm. - Okay? Go. 543 00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:12,999 (Chuckles) Okay. 544 00:22:15,543 --> 00:22:17,670 Can't say I blame you. 545 00:22:17,754 --> 00:22:21,591 I mean, that nutmeg state indefinable really turns my hydrant on. 546 00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:23,051 The only difference is, 547 00:22:23,134 --> 00:22:26,262 that I was the most exciting conquest of his life, 548 00:22:26,346 --> 00:22:29,474 and you just had the motel room closest to the ice machine. 549 00:22:29,557 --> 00:22:31,077 I don't know what you're talking about, 550 00:22:31,142 --> 00:22:32,578 because I am the senator's chief of staff. 551 00:22:32,602 --> 00:22:34,062 Yeah, yeah, yeah, for now, 552 00:22:34,145 --> 00:22:36,981 but trust me, he will never see you 553 00:22:37,065 --> 00:22:41,027 as anything other than the tgi Friday's hostess on proactiv 554 00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:43,738 who lets him bend you over his desk, 555 00:22:43,821 --> 00:22:47,116 while you close your eyes to avoid coming face-to-face 556 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:50,328 with that framed photo of his family's trip to Aspen, 557 00:22:50,411 --> 00:22:54,082 while he drowns your little mermaid back tat 558 00:22:54,165 --> 00:22:56,501 in a pool ofjizz 559 00:22:56,584 --> 00:22:58,253 and admires his own reflection. 560 00:22:58,336 --> 00:22:59,879 - Jesus. - Wow. 561 00:23:00,213 --> 00:23:02,090 I just hate to see smart women 562 00:23:02,173 --> 00:23:05,468 throw away their political careers on powerful men 563 00:23:05,552 --> 00:23:08,680 who only see them as the gash of least resistance. 564 00:23:10,557 --> 00:23:11,558 Gary: Mmm. 565 00:23:14,477 --> 00:23:17,981 I mean, you strike me as a smart woman. 566 00:23:18,064 --> 00:23:19,315 Are you? 567 00:23:20,191 --> 00:23:21,359 Yeah, well... 568 00:23:24,362 --> 00:23:26,114 New York is in the bag. 569 00:23:28,157 --> 00:23:29,450 (Indistinct chatter) 570 00:23:29,909 --> 00:23:31,536 Congressman, how do you take your coffee? 571 00:23:31,619 --> 00:23:33,371 - Decaf. - Okay. 572 00:23:34,747 --> 00:23:37,083 Yup. Here we go. 573 00:23:37,292 --> 00:23:39,752 So, congressman, tell me something. 574 00:23:39,836 --> 00:23:43,006 What can we offer up to the Montana delegation 575 00:23:43,089 --> 00:23:44,674 that would really dick-slap 'em? 576 00:23:44,757 --> 00:23:46,068 And I mean that in a good way, of course. 577 00:23:46,092 --> 00:23:48,112 - (Indistinct arguments outside) - And I'll tell you something else. 578 00:23:48,136 --> 00:23:49,178 Where is she? 579 00:23:49,470 --> 00:23:51,472 You fucking monster! 580 00:23:51,556 --> 00:23:54,892 - Excuse me for half a sec. - You soulless, conniving cunt! 581 00:23:54,976 --> 00:23:57,979 Oh, I don't know what you're talking about. 582 00:23:58,062 --> 00:24:01,024 Oh, unless it's this, right here? 583 00:24:01,107 --> 00:24:03,651 The moment I began working for senator James, 584 00:24:03,735 --> 00:24:07,655 his behavior was unprofessional in a sexual manner. 585 00:24:07,739 --> 00:24:10,033 - Is that the problem? - Fuck! 586 00:24:10,116 --> 00:24:12,201 Senator James took advantage of his power over me. 587 00:24:12,285 --> 00:24:13,620 Tom: He did what? 588 00:24:13,703 --> 00:24:16,414 I had to endure sex acts that included... 589 00:24:16,497 --> 00:24:18,082 Yeah, it's so great. 590 00:24:18,166 --> 00:24:20,627 - What did you offer her? - I didn't offer her anything. 591 00:24:20,710 --> 00:24:22,587 I mean, I helped her with the wording. 592 00:24:22,670 --> 00:24:24,213 - Oh, this... fuck! - Sth no, look. 593 00:24:24,297 --> 00:24:25,941 This is my favorite part right here, actually. 594 00:24:25,965 --> 00:24:29,927 I was just this naive, innocent young woman who had dreams... 595 00:24:30,011 --> 00:24:33,598 "Innocent young woman." (Laughs) That's hilarious, don't you think? 596 00:24:33,681 --> 00:24:37,352 But that girl doesn't exist anymore. She's dead. 597 00:24:37,435 --> 00:24:39,145 - Murdered by Tom James. - Oh, yeah. 598 00:24:39,228 --> 00:24:42,398 That is actually all me. I will take credit for that. 599 00:24:42,482 --> 00:24:45,318 She didn't want to do it, but I was like, "oh, you've got to!" 600 00:24:45,401 --> 00:24:48,571 My wife, my pregnant wife, is not answering the phone. 601 00:24:48,655 --> 00:24:51,324 I am now a national fucking pariah! 602 00:24:51,407 --> 00:24:52,742 Why would you do this, selina? 603 00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:56,913 I guess that the Tom James charm only goes so far with the ladies. 604 00:24:56,996 --> 00:25:00,249 That's one theory, but... Oh, listen, while I've got you. 605 00:25:00,333 --> 00:25:03,336 Is it okay if I don't wave to you from the stage? 606 00:25:03,419 --> 00:25:07,298 Because with all of this, I need to keep my distance. 607 00:25:07,382 --> 00:25:09,342 You understand that, right? Excuse me. 608 00:25:10,635 --> 00:25:12,804 I'm so sorry for that little minor interruption. 609 00:25:12,887 --> 00:25:15,348 What the fuck are you? 610 00:25:15,431 --> 00:25:16,599 Bye, Tom. 611 00:25:19,143 --> 00:25:20,395 Toodle-oo. 612 00:25:22,730 --> 00:25:27,151 So emotional, right? This is why we need a woman in office. 613 00:25:27,235 --> 00:25:29,529 (Selina laughs) 614 00:25:31,447 --> 00:25:34,575 So? What else do we need to talk about? 615 00:25:34,659 --> 00:25:37,954 - Federal lands. - They need to be protected. 616 00:25:38,037 --> 00:25:40,665 - We need more drilling. - For drilling purposes. 617 00:25:40,748 --> 00:25:42,291 Let's frack the crap out of it. 618 00:25:42,792 --> 00:25:45,628 Selina: Governor Calhoun, what do! Have to do to get your support? 619 00:25:45,712 --> 00:25:47,839 - President meyer, I'm a simple man... - I see that. 620 00:25:47,922 --> 00:25:49,090 - Of faith. - Oh. Uh-huh. 621 00:25:49,173 --> 00:25:50,842 But after this bathroom incident... 622 00:25:50,925 --> 00:25:53,010 That was just an accident. Really. 623 00:25:53,094 --> 00:25:55,638 - Free to pee, you and me, right? - (Laughing) 624 00:25:55,722 --> 00:25:58,808 Madam president, homosexuality is no laughing matter. 625 00:25:58,891 --> 00:26:01,352 - Okay. - Pernicious homosexuals are luring 626 00:26:01,436 --> 00:26:04,355 decent, god-fearing heterosexual men 627 00:26:04,439 --> 00:26:08,693 into sin and sweaty degradation. 628 00:26:08,776 --> 00:26:10,111 (Inhales deeply) 629 00:26:10,194 --> 00:26:11,320 Mmm. 630 00:26:11,404 --> 00:26:14,198 You know, buddy, I gotta tell you something. 631 00:26:14,282 --> 00:26:17,243 It... it happens, and... 632 00:26:17,326 --> 00:26:19,954 - You can't beat yourself up about it. - What? 633 00:26:20,037 --> 00:26:21,557 Never mind. I hear what you're saying. 634 00:26:21,581 --> 00:26:22,582 Let's move forward. 635 00:26:22,665 --> 00:26:26,210 Yes. Governor, I am prepared to offer you 636 00:26:26,294 --> 00:26:27,879 secretary of education. 637 00:26:29,130 --> 00:26:30,548 Well, ma'am. 638 00:26:30,631 --> 00:26:31,632 How about that? 639 00:26:31,716 --> 00:26:33,134 As excited as I would be 640 00:26:33,217 --> 00:26:35,428 to remove dinosaur theory from the curriculum, 641 00:26:35,511 --> 00:26:39,307 I am just a little bit uneasy about all this meyer fund scuttlebutt... 642 00:26:39,390 --> 00:26:40,600 I'll kill gay marriage. 643 00:26:41,350 --> 00:26:43,644 In exchange for your support, 644 00:26:43,728 --> 00:26:48,483 I will raw-dog a plank right up our party's platform, 645 00:26:48,566 --> 00:26:52,987 and I will outlaw same-sex marriage. 646 00:26:53,070 --> 00:26:54,989 Governor, can I get an amen? 647 00:26:55,072 --> 00:26:57,950 You can get an amen, and I'll throw in a hallelujah. 648 00:26:58,034 --> 00:26:59,786 - I love it. - And my endorsement. 649 00:26:59,869 --> 00:27:02,121 - Thank you, sir. Wonderful! - Wow. Wow. Yeah! 650 00:27:02,205 --> 00:27:04,645 - I think we're buddies now, aren't we? - Oh, yeah, very much. 651 00:27:04,707 --> 00:27:07,043 Can you be a buddy with someone of the opposite sex? 652 00:27:07,126 --> 00:27:09,962 Oh, well, under certain circumstances, yeah, we are. Yeah. 653 00:27:10,087 --> 00:27:11,964 - So, buddy up! Buddy up! - Buddy up! 654 00:27:12,048 --> 00:27:14,967 That's a great expression. Thank you so, so much. 655 00:27:15,051 --> 00:27:18,554 He is not just gay, he is Sam rayburn gay. 656 00:27:18,638 --> 00:27:20,014 Impressive negotiation, ma'am, 657 00:27:20,097 --> 00:27:23,726 but we are still approximately 662 votes short. 658 00:27:23,810 --> 00:27:25,478 - I am well aware. - Good. 659 00:27:25,561 --> 00:27:26,604 (Door opens) 660 00:27:27,063 --> 00:27:29,065 Ma'am. You wanted to see me? 661 00:27:29,148 --> 00:27:30,399 That's incorrect. 662 00:27:31,776 --> 00:27:34,278 Not in that outfit. But yeah, come on in. 663 00:27:34,362 --> 00:27:35,363 Amy, um... 664 00:27:43,830 --> 00:27:46,541 I want to offer Jonah the vp slot. 665 00:27:46,624 --> 00:27:47,625 - What? - What? 666 00:27:47,708 --> 00:27:49,877 Yeah. It's the only move we have left now, 667 00:27:49,961 --> 00:27:51,522 and we're gonna have to get it done today. 668 00:27:51,546 --> 00:27:53,965 Oh, ma'am, there are still numerous permutations 669 00:27:54,048 --> 00:27:55,776 that can play out here. You don't have to do this. 670 00:27:55,800 --> 00:27:58,511 Do the goddamn islamic math. You're the numbers guy. 671 00:27:58,594 --> 00:27:59,971 Fuck the numbers! 672 00:28:00,054 --> 00:28:03,599 I will not be part of a campaign, let alone an administration, 673 00:28:03,683 --> 00:28:06,143 that includes Jonah Ryan as vice president! 674 00:28:06,227 --> 00:28:08,312 That is an entirely unacceptable outcome. 675 00:28:08,396 --> 00:28:11,607 Amy, you wanna talk some sense into him? 676 00:28:11,691 --> 00:28:13,818 - Don't do it. - What? 677 00:28:13,901 --> 00:28:17,655 Don't make Jonah your vp. 678 00:28:17,738 --> 00:28:19,407 Wow. You know what I just remembered? 679 00:28:19,490 --> 00:28:23,619 You are a terrible campaign manager. 680 00:28:23,703 --> 00:28:26,289 Ma'am, you can't let an embittered, vindictive, 681 00:28:26,372 --> 00:28:30,209 narcissistic man-child be one heartbeat away from the presidency, 682 00:28:30,293 --> 00:28:32,044 let alone be the president. 683 00:28:32,128 --> 00:28:35,423 Amy, there's no safer place to stick Jonah Ryan 684 00:28:35,506 --> 00:28:37,425 in all of Washington, DC. 685 00:28:37,508 --> 00:28:40,928 Being vice president is like being declawed, 686 00:28:41,012 --> 00:28:43,389 defanged, neutered, 687 00:28:43,472 --> 00:28:47,351 ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine 688 00:28:47,435 --> 00:28:51,022 under two miles of human shit! 689 00:28:51,105 --> 00:28:54,191 It is a fate worse than death. 690 00:28:54,275 --> 00:28:58,362 Besides, I'm not gonna die, 'cause I got the heart and the twat 691 00:28:58,446 --> 00:29:01,699 of a high school cheerleader who's only done anal! 692 00:29:02,283 --> 00:29:04,994 - I am begging you, please... - Ma'am, entreating, 693 00:29:05,077 --> 00:29:06,757 - supplicating, beseeching... - Think of... 694 00:29:06,829 --> 00:29:09,081 Enough! 695 00:29:09,707 --> 00:29:11,751 I didn't come to north Carolina to lose. 696 00:29:11,834 --> 00:29:13,920 I don't even like to change planes here. 697 00:29:14,003 --> 00:29:16,756 Jonah Ryan is gonna be the vice president. You got it? 698 00:29:16,839 --> 00:29:18,399 And that's final. 80, get off your knees 699 00:29:18,466 --> 00:29:22,011 and cut out this melodramatic bullshit! 700 00:29:22,094 --> 00:29:23,095 Let's go. 701 00:29:25,932 --> 00:29:29,185 - What's the rush? - Oh, hey! You're my guy! 702 00:29:31,812 --> 00:29:33,981 Okay, so, I think we know why we are here. 703 00:29:34,065 --> 00:29:35,066 Yes, ma'am. 704 00:29:35,149 --> 00:29:36,984 - Yes, we do. - I don't know why we are here. 705 00:29:37,068 --> 00:29:39,862 Me, neither. But I love meeting new people. 706 00:29:39,946 --> 00:29:44,408 She is offering you vice president, you monument to vaginal dryness. 707 00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:50,289 Well, then, no. 708 00:29:51,207 --> 00:29:52,208 I'm sorry? 709 00:29:53,209 --> 00:29:55,086 I said no. As in never. 710 00:29:55,211 --> 00:29:57,755 I will be president, or I will be nothing. 711 00:29:57,838 --> 00:30:00,091 And in fact, if I don't get the nomination, 712 00:30:00,174 --> 00:30:03,260 I might run as a third party just to fuck your shit up. 713 00:30:03,344 --> 00:30:06,806 Shut the fuck up, you gum-recessed face-anus! 714 00:30:06,889 --> 00:30:10,017 Don't you see you've just been offered the second-most powerful job 715 00:30:10,101 --> 00:30:11,227 in the world? 716 00:30:11,310 --> 00:30:13,312 No, you shut up, uncle Jeff! 717 00:30:13,396 --> 00:30:16,148 I will not let anyone speak to me like that. 718 00:30:16,232 --> 00:30:17,942 - President or nothing? - Yeah! 719 00:30:18,401 --> 00:30:19,777 - Are you fucking kidding me? - Ow! 720 00:30:19,860 --> 00:30:21,862 - You cockless cockroach! - (All shouting) 721 00:30:21,946 --> 00:30:24,490 You pile of failure shaped like a rapist! 722 00:30:24,573 --> 00:30:26,867 I am not shaped like a rapist! 723 00:30:26,951 --> 00:30:29,620 I'm gonna hit you with my car, like I did in kindergarten! 724 00:30:29,704 --> 00:30:31,747 Figure out what the fuck you were! 725 00:30:31,831 --> 00:30:33,165 With purpose and repetition! 726 00:30:33,249 --> 00:30:35,292 Okay, fine! Jesus fuckin' Christ, 727 00:30:35,376 --> 00:30:38,087 I'll be vice president, just stop yelling at me! 728 00:30:38,170 --> 00:30:40,631 - All right, fine. - Crisis is now averted. 729 00:30:40,715 --> 00:30:42,717 - No. I have one condition. - Oh, shit. 730 00:30:42,800 --> 00:30:45,344 - I want my best friend Richard... - No, and your only friend. 731 00:30:45,428 --> 00:30:48,806 I want Richard to be secretary of farm shit. 732 00:30:48,889 --> 00:30:51,034 - We're gonna have to fire Dan. - We'll have to fire Dan. 733 00:30:51,058 --> 00:30:52,351 Why do you want to fire him? 734 00:30:52,435 --> 00:30:56,063 Uh, just as a way of saying sorry for yelling at you earlier. 735 00:30:56,147 --> 00:30:57,898 You know, feminism. 736 00:30:57,982 --> 00:30:59,734 That sounds great. Fire Dan. He sucks. 737 00:30:59,817 --> 00:31:01,819 Mazel tov, selina, mazel tov. 738 00:31:01,902 --> 00:31:03,880 - Oh, thank you, sherman. - Listen, when you have a sec, 739 00:31:03,904 --> 00:31:05,090 I want to talk to you about one of 740 00:31:05,114 --> 00:31:06,425 the biggest challenges facing the country 741 00:31:06,449 --> 00:31:08,260 - in the 21st century. - Okay, sure. Tell me right now. 742 00:31:08,284 --> 00:31:10,244 Casino licenses in Macao. 743 00:31:10,327 --> 00:31:11,596 Oh, and... did you hear that, Keith? 744 00:31:11,620 --> 00:31:13,080 - I did. - Catherine: How could you? 745 00:31:13,164 --> 00:31:15,750 - Okay, Macao. - Tell me that it is not true. 746 00:31:15,833 --> 00:31:18,252 Catherine, I'm right in the middle of something. 747 00:31:18,335 --> 00:31:21,005 Tell me that you did not just trade away same-sex marriage... 748 00:31:21,088 --> 00:31:22,983 Can you believe I'm having to deal with this right now? 749 00:31:23,007 --> 00:31:24,800 To get buddy Calhoun's endorsement! 750 00:31:24,884 --> 00:31:27,595 Catherine, it is just the party platform. 751 00:31:27,678 --> 00:31:30,806 It's like a to-do list of things we're not gonna do. 752 00:31:30,890 --> 00:31:32,516 "Restore faith in democracy?" 753 00:31:32,600 --> 00:31:35,311 I mean, we couldn't do that even if we wanted to. 754 00:31:35,394 --> 00:31:38,814 You cannot do this. I will never forgive you. 755 00:31:38,898 --> 00:31:41,984 Oh, well, if I had a dollar for every "mother, I will never forgive you..." 756 00:31:42,068 --> 00:31:43,694 - Bazillionaire. - Correct. 757 00:31:43,778 --> 00:31:46,697 Now, listen, mommy's got a lot of work to do right now, sweetie. 758 00:31:46,781 --> 00:31:49,116 I have to write the press release for my vp pick, so. 759 00:31:49,200 --> 00:31:50,826 - There you go. - Thank you very much. 760 00:31:50,910 --> 00:31:53,996 - Why is Jonah helping you? - Started from the bottom, now we here. 761 00:31:54,080 --> 00:31:55,748 - (Mimics gunshots) - (Laughs) 762 00:31:57,416 --> 00:32:00,252 - Oh, my god. - Are you out of your fucking mind, 763 00:32:00,336 --> 00:32:01,670 gram-ma'am? 764 00:32:01,754 --> 00:32:04,048 No. Oh, my god. Okay. 765 00:32:04,131 --> 00:32:05,966 I will never forgive you for this! 766 00:32:06,050 --> 00:32:07,593 - Mmm? Yep. - Ka-ching. 767 00:32:07,676 --> 00:32:08,796 I'm sorry about that, folks. 768 00:32:08,844 --> 00:32:10,763 Awesome. Cheers, ma'am. 769 00:32:11,430 --> 00:32:14,308 Mike: And on this history-making 11th ballot, Jane, 770 00:32:14,391 --> 00:32:17,895 it looks like the convention will finally have its nominee. 771 00:32:17,978 --> 00:32:20,106 Man: Great state of north Carolina, 772 00:32:20,189 --> 00:32:24,026 the home of historically black fayetteville state university, 773 00:32:24,110 --> 00:32:27,238 and historically white Duke university, 774 00:32:27,321 --> 00:32:30,449 would like to yield to the great state of Maryland! 775 00:32:30,533 --> 00:32:32,660 Woman: Mr. Chairman, I move 776 00:32:32,743 --> 00:32:36,288 that selina meyer be selected by this convention 777 00:32:36,372 --> 00:32:40,126 by acclimation as our nominee 778 00:32:40,209 --> 00:32:43,129 - for president of the United States! - (Cheering) 779 00:32:43,295 --> 00:32:47,258 All those in favor of nominating president selina meyer 780 00:32:47,341 --> 00:32:51,095 - by acclimation, say aye! - (Loud cheer) Aye! 781 00:32:51,178 --> 00:32:52,781 - All opposed, please say no! - (Scattered) No! 782 00:32:52,805 --> 00:32:54,890 The measure is adopted! 783 00:32:54,974 --> 00:32:56,725 (Cheering) 784 00:32:56,851 --> 00:32:57,977 We did it! 785 00:33:03,190 --> 00:33:04,650 Selina: / was three years old 786 00:33:04,733 --> 00:33:07,444 the first time my father put me on a horse, 787 00:33:07,528 --> 00:33:10,072 and I fell right off. 788 00:33:10,156 --> 00:33:11,824 (Crowd chuckles) 789 00:33:12,449 --> 00:33:14,034 (Applause) 790 00:33:14,118 --> 00:33:17,037 They say experience is the best teacher, 791 00:33:17,121 --> 00:33:20,332 and although my own daughter never learned to ride well, 792 00:33:20,416 --> 00:33:22,918 I've made it my mission in life to teach... 793 00:33:23,002 --> 00:33:25,337 I waited a long time for this. 794 00:33:25,421 --> 00:33:27,882 Yeah, but this meyer fund thing isn't going away. 795 00:33:27,965 --> 00:33:30,634 It's stickier than a red wine-and-curry dump. 796 00:33:30,801 --> 00:33:33,053 - We can't have a damaged nominee. - I know. 797 00:33:33,137 --> 00:33:34,930 Somebody's gonna go down for this, selina. 798 00:33:35,014 --> 00:33:37,224 Like myself on any traveling German businessman 799 00:33:37,308 --> 00:33:39,369 - at a dubuque radisson breakfast... - Not now, will! 800 00:33:39,393 --> 00:33:40,895 Read the room. 801 00:33:40,978 --> 00:33:42,618 Somebody's gotta go down for this, selina. 802 00:33:42,646 --> 00:33:45,107 I just said I know, Roger. 803 00:33:46,108 --> 00:33:48,944 - Thank you. Thank you. - Gary: Look who I found. 804 00:33:49,028 --> 00:33:50,654 Oh, hey, John. 805 00:33:50,738 --> 00:33:55,284 Oh, yeah, so, I'm gonna take two more lines from your speech, okay? 806 00:33:55,367 --> 00:33:56,368 Here, okay? 807 00:33:56,452 --> 00:33:59,079 That's about me waking up in a hospital bed in Kabul 808 00:33:59,163 --> 00:34:01,832 - after the ied attack. - I'm... I'm gonna tweak it. 809 00:34:01,916 --> 00:34:04,376 And I'm sorry about the whole vice presidency thing, 810 00:34:04,460 --> 00:34:05,961 but I knew you'd understand. 811 00:34:06,378 --> 00:34:08,964 Oh, so, you'll probably want to cut the line 812 00:34:09,048 --> 00:34:12,218 about you being the vice president. Right? 813 00:34:12,301 --> 00:34:14,303 Yeah. Okay. Let's go. 814 00:34:14,386 --> 00:34:18,557 And pass it on to the next generation in spades. 815 00:34:18,641 --> 00:34:21,852 Over the years I may have been thrown off a few times, 816 00:34:21,936 --> 00:34:26,023 but like my daddy taught me, you always get right back on, 817 00:34:26,106 --> 00:34:28,901 - like america. - (Cheering) 818 00:34:29,026 --> 00:34:32,446 Announcer: And now, to introduce our party's nominee... 819 00:34:33,364 --> 00:34:35,658 Right. Break a leg. 820 00:34:35,741 --> 00:34:37,743 John devito of Ohio! 821 00:34:39,453 --> 00:34:40,955 Come on, come on. 822 00:34:42,748 --> 00:34:43,749 It'd be faster 823 00:34:43,832 --> 00:34:45,209 - just to lay down and roll. - Eh. 824 00:34:45,292 --> 00:34:47,086 Hello. I'm John devito. 825 00:34:47,169 --> 00:34:49,004 And like the soldiers I served with, 826 00:34:49,088 --> 00:34:52,549 I'm here to talk tonight about a woman who always keeps her word. 827 00:34:52,633 --> 00:34:54,273 All right. Are you ready for the dubonnet? 828 00:34:55,344 --> 00:34:57,054 - Hey, Gary? - Yeah, yeah. 829 00:34:57,137 --> 00:34:58,722 I need you to do something for me. 830 00:34:58,806 --> 00:35:00,526 Yeah, yeah. You got something in your teeth. 831 00:35:00,557 --> 00:35:02,059 - Hold on. Just one second. - Sorry. 832 00:35:02,142 --> 00:35:04,895 Anyway, listen, it's kind of important, actually, 833 00:35:04,979 --> 00:35:06,772 - and I would also say... - Okay, yeah. 834 00:35:07,147 --> 00:35:09,733 - That it's not easy... - Okay. 835 00:35:09,817 --> 00:35:11,986 And it's kinda also not fair. 836 00:35:12,069 --> 00:35:15,406 You want coffee from across the street? Yeah? 837 00:35:15,864 --> 00:35:18,450 Ah! I got it. Little chia seed. 838 00:35:18,534 --> 00:35:21,745 Nah. Never mind. Forget I ever said anything. 839 00:35:21,829 --> 00:35:25,708 - You look beautiful. - (Chuckles) And you are a lifesaver. 840 00:35:25,791 --> 00:35:26,917 Oh. Oh, come on. 841 00:35:27,001 --> 00:35:29,670 Yeah. I couldn't have done it without you. 842 00:35:29,753 --> 00:35:32,381 You don't have to worry, I'm not going anywhere. 843 00:35:32,464 --> 00:35:34,359 The next president of the United States of America, 844 00:35:34,383 --> 00:35:36,260 selina meyer! 845 00:35:36,343 --> 00:35:38,595 - (Applause) - (Pop music plays) 846 00:35:44,685 --> 00:35:45,936 Thank you! 847 00:35:46,937 --> 00:35:48,647 Thank you! 848 00:35:48,731 --> 00:35:51,108 I am selina meyer, 849 00:35:51,191 --> 00:35:55,237 and I proudly accept your nomination 850 00:35:55,321 --> 00:35:59,408 for president of the United States of America! 851 00:35:59,491 --> 00:36:01,702 (Cheering) 852 00:36:02,369 --> 00:36:03,787 Even if it took a while! 853 00:36:03,871 --> 00:36:05,539 (All laughing) 854 00:36:05,873 --> 00:36:08,375 The journey that we begin tonight 855 00:36:08,459 --> 00:36:11,420 has been many, many years in the making, 856 00:36:11,503 --> 00:36:14,465 and it all started in Kabul. 857 00:36:15,466 --> 00:36:18,260 Waking up in a 858 00:36:18,344 --> 00:36:19,845 hotel bed... 859 00:36:20,179 --> 00:36:21,764 That devito's a hell of a speechwriter. 860 00:36:21,847 --> 00:36:24,141 Good evening, Mr. Cafferty! 861 00:36:24,224 --> 00:36:26,143 You ready for your sponge bath? 862 00:36:26,226 --> 00:36:28,145 Ah, call me Ben. 863 00:36:28,228 --> 00:36:32,816 To make the world a safer, cleaner, better place! 864 00:36:32,900 --> 00:36:34,109 (Cheering) Yeah! 865 00:36:34,193 --> 00:36:36,111 Dan: So? What did we get? 866 00:36:36,195 --> 00:36:39,198 President meyer offered me secretary of agriculture. 867 00:36:39,365 --> 00:36:42,659 Yes, Richard! Secretary of swag-riculture! 868 00:36:42,743 --> 00:36:46,413 Oh, my god. Yes! I'm goin' back to Washington, baby! 869 00:36:46,497 --> 00:36:48,582 -But_ -no! No "buts," Richard. 870 00:36:48,665 --> 00:36:51,210 Okay? For once in your life, don't think so much, just say yes. 871 00:36:51,293 --> 00:36:53,128 - Yes. - Good man. 872 00:36:53,212 --> 00:36:55,631 But the "but" was, "but you have to fire Dan." 873 00:36:55,714 --> 00:36:58,175 - So, I guess you're fired. - What? 874 00:36:58,258 --> 00:36:59,676 Thanks for making this easy on me. 875 00:36:59,760 --> 00:37:01,053 (Groans) 876 00:37:01,136 --> 00:37:02,429 I gotta get out of politics. 877 00:37:02,513 --> 00:37:04,783 To be honest, I never thought you were really cut out for it, anyway. 878 00:37:04,807 --> 00:37:09,186 Finally, I wanted to say a word about sacrifice. 879 00:37:09,269 --> 00:37:12,147 It means to lose something 880 00:37:13,607 --> 00:37:15,442 for the greater good. 881 00:37:15,526 --> 00:37:19,238 And when I look back on my 52 years, 882 00:37:19,321 --> 00:37:23,700 with almost 30 of them spent in public service... 883 00:37:23,784 --> 00:37:27,704 - What's going on? - There is no one who has sacrificed 884 00:37:27,788 --> 00:37:29,998 more than me. 885 00:37:33,585 --> 00:37:38,424 And there's nothing anyone can do to stop me 886 00:37:38,507 --> 00:37:42,886 from standing and walking for my country! 887 00:37:42,970 --> 00:37:47,141 Thank you, and god bless america! 888 00:37:47,224 --> 00:37:49,226 (Cheering) 889 00:37:49,309 --> 00:37:50,936 (Pop music plays) 890 00:37:54,982 --> 00:37:57,025 Oh, god. 891 00:37:57,109 --> 00:37:59,236 We got this. 892 00:37:59,319 --> 00:38:01,280 - We did it. We did it. - Yes. 893 00:38:21,091 --> 00:38:22,759 Wonderful! 894 00:38:29,725 --> 00:38:31,143 (Exclaims) 895 00:38:32,561 --> 00:38:35,063 - Congratulations, ma'am. - Thank you! 896 00:38:35,147 --> 00:38:36,587 We're going back to the white house! 897 00:38:36,648 --> 00:38:39,234 - Congratulations to you, Amy! - Thank you! 898 00:38:39,318 --> 00:38:42,029 You're gonna be Jonah's chief of staff. 899 00:38:43,989 --> 00:38:45,967 I don't like the way you talked to me the other day. 900 00:38:45,991 --> 00:38:47,242 Uh-huh. 901 00:38:48,160 --> 00:38:49,995 Yeah. Yeah. 902 00:38:51,079 --> 00:38:52,331 Yes! 903 00:38:55,584 --> 00:38:57,211 Jonah: (Singing) He's a super veep 904 00:38:57,294 --> 00:38:59,171 super veep, he's super veepy 905 00:38:59,254 --> 00:39:00,339 yo w! 906 00:39:00,422 --> 00:39:01,590 Hi, sue. 907 00:39:02,758 --> 00:39:04,777 Sue, the vice president would like a minute with the president. 908 00:39:04,801 --> 00:39:08,347 The president told me to pencil you in to half past go-fuck-yourself. 909 00:39:08,430 --> 00:39:10,974 - Sue, when I am president... - You won't be. 910 00:39:11,058 --> 00:39:12,577 - If you want to work for me... - I don't. 911 00:39:12,601 --> 00:39:15,312 Then I would start treating me with the respect that I deserve. 912 00:39:15,395 --> 00:39:17,189 - I am. - Sue, as vice president 913 00:39:17,272 --> 00:39:21,026 of the United States, I order you to let me into the oval office! 914 00:39:22,653 --> 00:39:24,154 God damn it! 915 00:39:25,614 --> 00:39:27,759 - I'm just gonna pop my head in. - Nice to see you, Amy. 916 00:39:27,783 --> 00:39:29,117 (Grunts) 917 00:39:30,118 --> 00:39:32,055 Michelle: Ma'am, joint chiefs are getting a little squirrely 918 00:39:32,079 --> 00:39:34,414 about Chinese tank movements near the Tibetan border. 919 00:39:34,498 --> 00:39:35,938 Oh, my god. What a bunch of pussies. 920 00:39:35,999 --> 00:39:38,603 Will: Ma'am, we're expecting a call from the Israeli prime minister 921 00:39:38,627 --> 00:39:40,212 about the palestinian food riots. 922 00:39:40,295 --> 00:39:42,422 That reminds me, I'm starving. Gary! 923 00:39:42,548 --> 00:39:44,591 Oh, ma'am, Gary doesn't work here. 924 00:39:44,675 --> 00:39:46,653 I know. Why are you telling me things that I already know? 925 00:39:46,677 --> 00:39:48,095 - Sorry. Yes. - You know? 926 00:39:48,178 --> 00:39:49,322 But I would be more than happy 927 00:39:49,346 --> 00:39:50,907 to get you something to eat. What would you like? 928 00:39:50,931 --> 00:39:52,224 - You figure that out. - Okay. 929 00:39:52,307 --> 00:39:54,059 Why am I coming up with solutions for you? 930 00:39:54,142 --> 00:39:55,662 That's your job, right? That's not my job. 931 00:39:55,686 --> 00:39:56,812 Both: Sorry, ma'am. 932 00:39:56,895 --> 00:40:00,357 The level of incompetence in this office is just... 933 00:40:11,827 --> 00:40:12,869 (Intercom beeps) 934 00:40:12,953 --> 00:40:15,706 Sue: Ma'am, the Israeli prime minister is on line three. 935 00:40:16,957 --> 00:40:19,835 David? Shalom. 936 00:40:19,918 --> 00:40:22,504 So, what did the Palestinians do this time? 937 00:40:22,838 --> 00:40:24,756 David, I have to tell you, my daughter Catherine 938 00:40:24,840 --> 00:40:28,051 was exactly the same way, a whiner. Yeah... 939 00:40:28,677 --> 00:40:30,470 Yeah. Mmm-hmm. What? 940 00:40:30,554 --> 00:40:32,073 (Whispers) This is your speech for this afternoon. 941 00:40:32,097 --> 00:40:33,390 Glasses. 942 00:40:33,557 --> 00:40:35,267 Jesus Christ. 943 00:40:35,350 --> 00:40:37,227 No, no. Not you, David. 944 00:40:37,311 --> 00:40:38,812 Yes. 945 00:40:38,895 --> 00:40:43,650 Well, tell me, how can the United States help you? 946 00:40:52,618 --> 00:40:54,953 Good afternoon, I'm Michael mclintock, 947 00:40:55,037 --> 00:40:57,706 with live coverage of the funeral of selina meyer, 948 00:40:57,789 --> 00:40:59,916 america's first woman president. 949 00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:02,586 While she may have only served one full term, 950 00:41:02,669 --> 00:41:04,421 meyer is fondly remembered 951 00:41:04,504 --> 00:41:08,133 for briefly freeing what was once known as the nation of Tibet, 952 00:41:08,216 --> 00:41:11,803 as well as for permanently overturning same-sex marriage. 953 00:41:11,887 --> 00:41:14,514 The former president passed away earlier this week 954 00:41:14,598 --> 00:41:17,517 at the age of 76 or possibly 77 955 00:41:17,601 --> 00:41:19,686 or, according to some sources, 75. 956 00:41:19,770 --> 00:41:21,730 After lying in state in the capitol, 957 00:41:21,813 --> 00:41:24,816 her casket made the journey to her final resting place 958 00:41:24,900 --> 00:41:26,902 the selina meyer presidential library 959 00:41:26,985 --> 00:41:29,696 at Smith college in northampton, Massachusetts. 960 00:41:32,324 --> 00:41:35,369 Among the dignitaries personally selected by selina meyer 961 00:41:35,452 --> 00:41:38,372 to sit in the front row are many former rivals 962 00:41:38,455 --> 00:41:42,250 in a meyer-esque gesture of grace and goodwill. 963 00:41:43,085 --> 00:41:45,921 Former president Laura montez, the Dalai Lama, 964 00:41:46,004 --> 00:41:47,798 former vice president Andrew Doyle, 965 00:41:47,881 --> 00:41:51,510 former two-term president kemi Talbot, who will deliver her eulogy... 966 00:41:51,760 --> 00:41:53,970 How does Mike have more hair than I do? 967 00:41:54,054 --> 00:41:55,764 Maybe because he has two testicles. 968 00:41:55,847 --> 00:41:57,687 Jonah: Oh, montez looks good. I'd still do her. 969 00:41:57,724 --> 00:41:58,809 Beth: Count me in. 970 00:41:58,892 --> 00:42:00,870 I didn't want to go to that stupid funeral, anyway. 971 00:42:00,894 --> 00:42:02,938 Well, then it's a good thing that you got impeached, 972 00:42:03,021 --> 00:42:04,248 they didn't have to invite you. 973 00:42:04,272 --> 00:42:05,583 Marjorie: Catherine, you're missing it! 974 00:42:05,607 --> 00:42:06,608 Catherine: Coming! 975 00:42:06,692 --> 00:42:08,777 You know, Richard, there are few things in life 976 00:42:08,860 --> 00:42:10,570 more difficult than the loss of a parent. 977 00:42:10,654 --> 00:42:13,115 Who wants margaritas? (Exclaims) 978 00:42:13,240 --> 00:42:15,283 - Over here. - What did I miss? 979 00:42:15,367 --> 00:42:17,160 Mike: The presidential motorcade has arrived, 980 00:42:17,244 --> 00:42:19,579 and here comes president of the United States 981 00:42:19,663 --> 00:42:23,208 Richard splett and the first lady, Annette splett, somber but elegant, 982 00:42:23,291 --> 00:42:26,169 basking in the glow of a landslide re-election 983 00:42:26,253 --> 00:42:29,423 following president splett's historic three-state solution 984 00:42:29,506 --> 00:42:31,049 middle east peace agreement, 985 00:42:31,133 --> 00:42:34,052 for which he won the nobel prize. 986 00:42:37,723 --> 00:42:39,266 All: Amen. 987 00:42:40,142 --> 00:42:43,562 We have 40 head of alpaca now, 17 on the way. 988 00:42:43,645 --> 00:42:45,230 My daughter's stepping down from NASA 989 00:42:45,313 --> 00:42:48,692 to take over the ranch, so, I can focus on my watch-making. 990 00:42:48,775 --> 00:42:51,194 We didn't have kids. Best decision we ever made. 991 00:42:51,278 --> 00:42:52,612 Best. Best. 992 00:42:52,696 --> 00:42:54,781 Our greyhounds are our kids. 993 00:42:54,865 --> 00:42:57,075 Kent, do you still keep in touch with Ben's widow? 994 00:42:57,159 --> 00:42:58,452 - I forget her name. - No. 995 00:42:58,535 --> 00:42:59,786 Betcha Ben did, too. 996 00:42:59,870 --> 00:43:02,581 Amazing he hung on as long as he did, the fat fuck. 997 00:43:02,664 --> 00:43:04,708 - Excuse me. - Sorry. 998 00:43:04,791 --> 00:43:07,335 - How long's it been, ames? - Dan. 999 00:43:07,419 --> 00:43:10,464 I think the last time I saw you, your wife was being born. 1000 00:43:10,547 --> 00:43:11,965 2019, yeah. 1001 00:43:12,048 --> 00:43:13,049 Oh! And by the way, 1002 00:43:13,133 --> 00:43:15,844 if you guys ever want to buy or sell a piece of property 1003 00:43:15,927 --> 00:43:18,030 in the laguna beach area, I'm your guy. That's my cell. 1004 00:43:18,054 --> 00:43:21,183 Look at you losers waitin' around to make sure she's actually dead, 1005 00:43:21,266 --> 00:43:22,601 while you sit in the back row 1006 00:43:22,684 --> 00:43:24,644 suckin' on hard candies like what, will? 1007 00:43:26,313 --> 00:43:27,522 Hike jizz. 1008 00:43:27,606 --> 00:43:29,816 Ah, shit. He ain't what he used to be. 1009 00:43:30,358 --> 00:43:33,820 Holy shit. Ames. Check it out. 1010 00:43:33,904 --> 00:43:36,531 I didn't think he'd show. 1011 00:43:36,656 --> 00:43:40,118 - I heard she never visited him. - Just keep walking. 1012 00:43:40,660 --> 00:43:42,204 (Inhales deeply) 1013 00:43:45,624 --> 00:43:47,626 You'd hate the flowers. 1014 00:43:47,751 --> 00:43:49,002 But I... 1015 00:43:51,421 --> 00:43:53,298 I brought the dubonnet. 1016 00:44:11,358 --> 00:44:13,836 Mike: And it looks like the soldiers are having a little trouble. 1017 00:44:13,860 --> 00:44:15,004 They're fumbling around the crypt, 1018 00:44:15,028 --> 00:44:17,572 but they cannot seem to get it to respond in any way. 1019 00:44:17,656 --> 00:44:19,282 Typical. 1020 00:44:27,499 --> 00:44:28,667 But now, they've got it. 1021 00:44:28,750 --> 00:44:31,837 And there she goes, sliding right in there. 1022 00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:35,257 We will have more coverage of the funeral of president selina meyer. 1023 00:44:35,340 --> 00:44:39,219 But first, as someone who served with president meyer for over two decades, 1024 00:44:39,302 --> 00:44:43,306 I feel I'd be remiss if I did not offer my own heartfelt eulogy 1025 00:44:43,390 --> 00:44:47,561 to a president who many feel was very underrated and deserved... 1026 00:44:48,812 --> 00:44:50,564 I'm sorry. Breaking news. 1027 00:44:50,647 --> 00:44:52,190 I've just been told 1028 00:44:52,274 --> 00:44:55,735 that four-time academy award-winning actor Tom Hanks 1029 00:44:55,902 --> 00:44:57,821 has died at the age of 88. 1030 00:44:57,904 --> 00:45:00,866 The star of such Hollywood films as big, Forrest Gump, 1031 00:45:00,949 --> 00:45:03,285 Philadelphia and Philadelphia 2, 1032 00:45:03,368 --> 00:45:06,454 passed away in his bel air home after a long illness, 1033 00:45:06,538 --> 00:45:08,623 surrounded by his loving family. 1034 00:45:08,707 --> 00:45:11,167 Husband of actress Rita Wilson and father of four children, 1035 00:45:11,251 --> 00:45:15,422 Hanks was often considered the finest actor of his generation, 1036 00:45:15,505 --> 00:45:17,799 an American everyman who could leap effortlessly 1037 00:45:17,883 --> 00:45:19,801 between comedy and drama, 1038 00:45:19,885 --> 00:45:22,596 and moved audiences both young and old. 1039 00:45:22,679 --> 00:45:27,559 Today, the world mourns the loss of this towering and beloved figure. 1040 00:45:29,895 --> 00:45:34,649 Let's take a look at the storied career of Tom Hanks, American icon.