1 00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:09,194 Man: Congratulations, madam president. 2 00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:11,304 Thank you. It's very exciting. Yes, we're thrilled. 3 00:00:11,429 --> 00:00:14,807 The woman who freed Tibet is finally getting her nobel peace prize. 4 00:00:14,891 --> 00:00:16,976 Technically, not a peace prize, ma'am. 5 00:00:17,101 --> 00:00:18,811 You've won the summit peace award 6 00:00:18,895 --> 00:00:21,105 of the world summit of nobel peace laureates. 7 00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:22,789 It's kind of like the peace prize junior. 8 00:00:23,149 --> 00:00:24,877 The American voters don't know the difference, 9 00:00:24,901 --> 00:00:26,360 and, frankly, neither do I. 10 00:00:26,444 --> 00:00:29,131 Ma'am, I'm headed back to the hotel to work on your acceptance speech. 11 00:00:29,155 --> 00:00:30,995 Okay, I don't know what that's a euphemism for, 12 00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:34,243 but, Leon, you need to really lay it on thick. 13 00:00:34,327 --> 00:00:37,121 - Okay? Tibet, Tibet, Tibet. - You bet, you bet, you bet. 14 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,040 Iwanna sound like bono trying to impress 15 00:00:39,123 --> 00:00:40,708 his own reflection in the mirror. 16 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:42,752 - I understand. - Yeah. Good. 17 00:00:42,835 --> 00:00:45,379 Hey. Was that colonel ai-saleh, 18 00:00:45,463 --> 00:00:47,882 the butcher of Juba, back there by the carving station? 19 00:00:48,007 --> 00:00:50,567 The nobel people don't ask too many questions if you buy a table. 20 00:00:50,635 --> 00:00:53,238 Ma'am, at this point, they're just trying to avoid losing the building. 21 00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:55,848 My nobel prize really makes the point 22 00:00:55,932 --> 00:00:59,352 that I've got way more foreign policy experience than that half-wit kemi. 23 00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:01,229 I think it's pronounced "half-white." 24 00:01:01,312 --> 00:01:03,272 Well, "tomato, mulatto." 25 00:01:03,356 --> 00:01:05,792 Hey, ma'am, Catherine and Marjorie's wedding is in three weeks, 26 00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:07,235 and her and her wedding planner... 27 00:01:07,318 --> 00:01:09,570 Okay, can you just say you? You and Catherine. 28 00:01:09,654 --> 00:01:12,341 We're a little concerned about sitting you next to Marjorie's shaman. 29 00:01:12,365 --> 00:01:14,283 - Hello! - Congratulations, mom. 30 00:01:14,367 --> 00:01:15,660 Thank you very much. 31 00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:18,579 So, I understand we're having some sort of a seating issue? 32 00:01:18,663 --> 00:01:20,665 Whatever you gals want is fine by me 33 00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,166 as long as someone lets me have 34 00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:24,353 mini-vegan pigs in gluten-free blankets at the reception. 35 00:01:24,377 --> 00:01:26,379 - Oh, god. - Listen, darling, 36 00:01:26,504 --> 00:01:29,131 why don't you get married over here in Europe? 37 00:01:29,215 --> 00:01:32,260 Because without an American marriage license, 38 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:35,680 U.S. community property laws do not apply, my darling. 39 00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:37,658 - Marjorie is my soul mate forever. - That's fine. 40 00:01:37,682 --> 00:01:39,117 I don't know why you would bring this up... 41 00:01:39,141 --> 00:01:40,601 You and your maid of honor here 42 00:01:40,685 --> 00:01:43,479 can sit me next to whatever injun Joe you want. 43 00:01:43,646 --> 00:01:45,064 It's your special day, so... 44 00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:46,941 - Thank you, mother. - You're welcome. 45 00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:49,819 - I don't have a drink. - I'll get it. 46 00:01:50,027 --> 00:01:55,324 Um, when am I getting my meeting with president lu about the montez stuff? 47 00:01:55,408 --> 00:01:57,451 - Oh, I can't hear you. - Kent: Legally not present. 48 00:01:57,535 --> 00:02:03,082 Guys, listen. I just need to get in a room with lu, one-on-one, 49 00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:05,710 so I can change his mind about supporting me for president. 50 00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:07,962 Face-to-face, I can convince anyone of anything. 51 00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:09,189 - That's not true. - Incorrect. 52 00:02:09,213 --> 00:02:10,214 You're both wrong. 53 00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:11,757 - Well, you're right. - Okay? 54 00:02:11,841 --> 00:02:13,676 Ma'am, lu's people have been great-walling us. 55 00:02:13,759 --> 00:02:15,320 I don't think they're anxious to meet with you. 56 00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:16,738 That's why I brought along some bait. 57 00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:17,805 - Minna: Selina! - Minna! 58 00:02:18,681 --> 00:02:19,765 Oh, minna! 59 00:02:20,683 --> 00:02:24,437 Lu developed a real hankering for Finnish furburger back at camp David. 60 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,647 He eye-fucked her so bad he got retinal herpes. 61 00:02:26,731 --> 00:02:27,732 Selina: Minna! 62 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,233 - Selina! - Oh... 63 00:02:30,026 --> 00:02:31,902 - I don't get the attraction. - Oh, I do. 64 00:02:32,028 --> 00:02:34,030 (Theme music playing) 65 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:38,326 So, my last three lovers, they are complaining 66 00:02:38,409 --> 00:02:41,120 that my naughty talk is both incessant and soporific. 67 00:02:41,203 --> 00:02:43,164 Maybe you should let them choke you. 68 00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:45,600 You think they would rather choke me than listen to me talk? 69 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:47,293 I can only speak for myself. 70 00:02:47,376 --> 00:02:49,170 You know, where is lu? 71 00:02:49,253 --> 00:02:51,630 - Selina meyer! - Murman! 72 00:02:51,714 --> 00:02:55,009 Oh, my gosh, I didn't know you were still alive. 73 00:02:55,092 --> 00:02:57,887 The Russians reinstalled me when they invaded Georgia. 74 00:02:57,970 --> 00:02:59,489 - Oh, good for you. - Huh! Factory reboot. 75 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:02,099 - Both: Beep-boop-beep-beep-boop. - (Chuckles) 76 00:03:02,183 --> 00:03:03,434 A bit of personal news. 77 00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:06,270 I recently bought an English football club. 78 00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:07,855 - Oh, wonderful! - Leeds united. 79 00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:10,358 No English players, so pretty good team. 80 00:03:10,441 --> 00:03:12,860 - Oh. - Selina, crazy idea I have. 81 00:03:13,027 --> 00:03:15,946 What if I gave you money to help you win your election? 82 00:03:16,364 --> 00:03:21,577 America does not stand for foreign interference in our elections! 83 00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:23,722 - Who do you think that I am? - Yes, of course. Of course. 84 00:03:23,746 --> 00:03:25,974 - I mean, it's an outrage! - Yeah, yeah. New topic. New topic. 85 00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:29,668 I want to buy your palm beach house for $114 million. 86 00:03:29,752 --> 00:03:32,380 Well, needless to say, real estate is a different animal. 87 00:03:32,463 --> 00:03:33,815 They're not making any more of it, right? 88 00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:35,466 Everybody's gotta live somewhere. 89 00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:38,427 I'd rather deal with the Russian mob than with those real estate people. 90 00:03:38,511 --> 00:03:40,697 Well, it's because they're unethical, that's what they are. 91 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,281 Because they are working on commissions. 92 00:03:42,348 --> 00:03:43,849 Yes! 6%. 93 00:03:43,933 --> 00:03:45,077 It's abject greed, in my view. 94 00:03:45,101 --> 00:03:47,603 - And I... - The $114 million would be wired 95 00:03:47,686 --> 00:03:49,688 from the Seychelles to Malta, 96 00:03:49,772 --> 00:03:52,358 then back to the Seychelles, and then to you. 97 00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:54,819 I'm very flattered, murman, I really am, 98 00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:57,279 but your timing is horrendous. 99 00:03:57,530 --> 00:04:00,491 (Sighs) To live is to suffer, selina. The human condition. 100 00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:01,742 - Yes. - Ha! (Chuckles) 101 00:04:01,826 --> 00:04:03,346 - White people problems, right? - Okay. 102 00:04:04,703 --> 00:04:06,705 Thank you. Thank you, murman. 103 00:04:07,498 --> 00:04:08,558 Ben: You were right, ma'am. 104 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:11,168 Lu's looking for the tickee in someone's shirtee. 105 00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:12,420 What's the word, minna? 106 00:04:12,503 --> 00:04:15,631 President lu will meet you in the west salon in ten minutes. 107 00:04:15,714 --> 00:04:18,467 - He seems quite excited. - Yeah, we could see that from here. 108 00:04:19,427 --> 00:04:21,095 - Selina: Keith. - Oh, hi. 109 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:23,264 - Where is lu? - You don't get to see lu. 110 00:04:23,347 --> 00:04:25,307 You need to go through me, that's how this works. 111 00:04:25,641 --> 00:04:28,185 I know all about lu's secret plan 112 00:04:28,269 --> 00:04:31,188 to get president montez elected for a second term. 113 00:04:31,397 --> 00:04:33,315 So you go, and you tell lu 114 00:04:33,399 --> 00:04:35,609 that I want to talk to him directly, right now. 115 00:04:36,444 --> 00:04:38,946 You're going to do exactly what we say. 116 00:04:39,029 --> 00:04:40,197 - I'm sorry? - Or else, 117 00:04:40,281 --> 00:04:42,158 we'll tell the whole world how you vaporized 118 00:04:42,241 --> 00:04:44,285 a dra leader's wedding with hellfire missiles 119 00:04:44,368 --> 00:04:47,371 and also took a huge laser-guided shit 120 00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:49,039 all over Pakistani sovereignty... 121 00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:51,459 Okay, a, that never happened. 122 00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:54,753 And b, that footage is highly classified. 123 00:04:54,837 --> 00:04:57,089 It was classified, until somebody on your staff 124 00:04:57,173 --> 00:04:59,550 clicked on "Asian girls bound and gagged." 125 00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:02,094 Oh, Ben. 126 00:05:02,678 --> 00:05:03,888 Or Kent. 127 00:05:04,889 --> 00:05:06,474 Or Leon. Oh, god. 128 00:05:06,599 --> 00:05:08,100 Or Marjorie. I mean... 129 00:05:08,559 --> 00:05:13,063 Jonah, your anti-vaccination message is bringing together an unheard-of mix 130 00:05:13,189 --> 00:05:16,108 of orthodox Jews, uneducated fringe conspiracists, 131 00:05:16,192 --> 00:05:18,068 and kombucha-douching private school moms. 132 00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:19,487 That's the real america. 133 00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:21,864 So, we've got three more stops this afternoon. 134 00:05:21,947 --> 00:05:24,307 Oh, look. If we go to Kentucky, it's gonna look like a wang. 135 00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,785 The Great Lakes will be like the spooey. 136 00:05:26,869 --> 00:05:29,497 Jonah, it's your dad again. It's like the tenth time today. 137 00:05:29,622 --> 00:05:31,707 Hey, Siri, you fuck my dad? 138 00:05:31,790 --> 00:05:33,709 Siri: I don't know how to respond to that. 139 00:05:33,918 --> 00:05:35,377 - (Scoffs) Typical woman. - I know. 140 00:05:35,461 --> 00:05:36,855 - That's mine. - Clay, come on. Let's go. 141 00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:39,632 All right. How you doing, Harrisburg! 142 00:05:39,715 --> 00:05:41,550 - (Crowd cheering) - Yeah! 143 00:05:41,759 --> 00:05:44,762 Pennsylvania, you have the second-lowest 144 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,805 vaccination rate in the nation, 145 00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:50,935 and when I am elected president, you will be number one! 146 00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,144 (Crowd cheering) 147 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,647 - Thank you, Pennsylvania! - Oh! 148 00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:57,483 Thank you! All right! Yeah! 149 00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,276 Oh! 150 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,111 Oh, look at this baby. Aw. 151 00:06:02,988 --> 00:06:04,865 Gary: The menu has been an atrocity. 152 00:06:05,115 --> 00:06:06,158 The guests are vegan, 153 00:06:06,242 --> 00:06:08,282 and the president won't eat anything without a face. 154 00:06:09,745 --> 00:06:11,247 Selina. 155 00:06:11,330 --> 00:06:13,707 I saw president lu leaving. Is everything all right? 156 00:06:13,791 --> 00:06:15,543 Yeah, everything's completely fine, minna. 157 00:06:15,626 --> 00:06:17,545 No. I can see the concern in your eyes, 158 00:06:17,628 --> 00:06:19,171 even through all the procedures. 159 00:06:19,255 --> 00:06:20,695 What is it? Is it about the wedding? 160 00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,133 He told you? 161 00:06:23,217 --> 00:06:24,802 He would not stop talking about it. 162 00:06:24,927 --> 00:06:26,720 He used the phrase "complete atrocity." 163 00:06:26,929 --> 00:06:28,847 Complete atrocity? 164 00:06:29,598 --> 00:06:31,475 Minna, listen. 165 00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:32,893 (Scoffs) 166 00:06:32,977 --> 00:06:36,397 So I droned a couple wedding civilians 167 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:38,357 on the wrong side of the af-pak border. 168 00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:40,460 I thought you were talking about your daughter's wedding 169 00:06:40,484 --> 00:06:42,027 to your homosexual doppelganger. 170 00:06:43,696 --> 00:06:45,656 Yes. I was. 171 00:06:48,492 --> 00:06:50,995 "Droned a wedding" 172 00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:54,540 is, uh, American slang for 173 00:06:54,665 --> 00:06:56,601 - "I got it, I nailed it." - Yeah, I do not think... 174 00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:59,420 No, no, no. Really. Like, "I droned that wedding, man!" 175 00:06:59,545 --> 00:07:01,231 I do not think that it is slang of any kind. 176 00:07:01,255 --> 00:07:03,882 Oh, I guarantee you it is. Ask anyone here... 177 00:07:05,384 --> 00:07:06,510 Man: Mike, we have made 178 00:07:07,011 --> 00:07:09,847 a lot of mistakes here at CBS news. 179 00:07:10,264 --> 00:07:11,557 (Chuckles) I know, right? 180 00:07:12,808 --> 00:07:14,995 But I think you could be a big part of turning that around. 181 00:07:15,019 --> 00:07:16,746 - Mmm-hmm. - Okay. As a special correspondent, 182 00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,248 you will be everywhere that there's news. 183 00:07:18,272 --> 00:07:19,940 And I don't think it hurts 184 00:07:20,024 --> 00:07:22,860 that you will be our youngest correspondent, by a lot. 185 00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:24,486 Thank you, sir. 186 00:07:24,570 --> 00:07:26,047 - So we bought the mclintalk name... - Uh-huh. 187 00:07:26,071 --> 00:07:27,966 But we did not get all the intellectual property 188 00:07:27,990 --> 00:07:28,991 from the old show. So... 189 00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:31,035 - I have intellectual property? - Oh, yeah! 190 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,953 The classic mclintalk bits. 191 00:07:33,037 --> 00:07:36,123 I mean, uh, when your phone rings in the middle of an interview... 192 00:07:36,206 --> 00:07:38,751 - Oh. Oh. Yeah, yeah. - And the horrible wife? 193 00:07:40,002 --> 00:07:41,962 - She's horrible! - A lot of that stuff, 194 00:07:42,046 --> 00:07:44,232 uh, I didn't know I was doing until people pointed it out. 195 00:07:44,256 --> 00:07:45,799 See? Keep that sense of humor. 196 00:07:46,008 --> 00:07:47,009 Okay. 197 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,470 Because pretty much everything else is gonna change. 198 00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:52,348 Minna: Selina, you have put me in a terrible situation. 199 00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:54,516 You have just admitted to being a war criminal. 200 00:07:55,100 --> 00:07:58,312 Do they give nobel peace prizes to war criminals, minna? 201 00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:01,565 All the time. Aung San suu kyi, Henry kissinger, 202 00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:03,001 and also, the prize that you're getting, 203 00:08:03,025 --> 00:08:04,276 it is not the peace prize. 204 00:08:04,485 --> 00:08:06,965 - Oh, don't start with that! - It is a second-tier peace prize. 205 00:08:07,029 --> 00:08:08,589 - No. - It is made of very hard plastic. 206 00:08:08,614 --> 00:08:11,659 You have left me with no choice. I must report you. 207 00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:14,536 Okay. Well, then you've left me with no choice. 208 00:08:16,455 --> 00:08:17,581 That was your phone. 209 00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:19,750 I called Interpol before we got in the car. 210 00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:22,211 Selina: Come on, wait up. Hey, hey... minna. 211 00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,046 Just a second! Sweet viking Christ! 212 00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,589 - (Machine beeping) - Come on! 213 00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:28,467 Just call Interpol back, tell them that you made a mistake. 214 00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:30,177 I am sorry, selina. 215 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:32,580 I have a commitment to the principles of truth and justice. 216 00:08:32,805 --> 00:08:35,516 As the former president of the United States, 217 00:08:35,599 --> 00:08:38,769 truth and justice can gargle my balls. 218 00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:41,271 - Move the fuck out of my way. - Kent: Ma'am, the icc 219 00:08:41,355 --> 00:08:43,691 has issued a warrant for your arrest for war crimes. 220 00:08:43,816 --> 00:08:46,026 Yeah. That's because autistic Barbie here 221 00:08:46,193 --> 00:08:48,612 tattled on me over the wedding drone strike. 222 00:08:48,696 --> 00:08:50,989 - Which one? - Nope. The dra guy. 223 00:08:51,073 --> 00:08:52,473 - Which was the only one. - Correct! 224 00:08:52,533 --> 00:08:54,052 Secret service says the nonnegian police 225 00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:55,703 are all over the airport and the hotel. 226 00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:57,681 - Selina: Seriously? - You will be extradited to the hague 227 00:08:57,705 --> 00:08:59,957 and imprisoned under article vii! Of the Rome statute. 228 00:09:00,499 --> 00:09:03,877 Selina, if you request it, I can offer you asylum. 229 00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:05,462 You can stay here at the embassy! 230 00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:08,173 I'd just as soon stay at an embassy suites. 231 00:09:08,424 --> 00:09:11,301 - (Gasps) - Ma'am, it's your only shot. 232 00:09:11,385 --> 00:09:12,678 - Yeah. - Selina: Really? 233 00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:14,888 Fine. 234 00:09:15,764 --> 00:09:16,849 I'll stay here. 235 00:09:17,099 --> 00:09:19,935 Good. Now you must formally request asylum. 236 00:09:20,561 --> 00:09:21,562 Yeah, I'm just gonna go. 237 00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,397 They can shoot me as I make a run for it. 238 00:09:23,480 --> 00:09:26,650 Fine. On behalf of the Finnish ambassador to nonnay, 239 00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:29,027 I Grant you asylum. 240 00:09:31,572 --> 00:09:33,490 She prefers the word "spa." 241 00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:36,285 Dan: Welcome to your new office, lieutenant governor splett. 242 00:09:36,452 --> 00:09:37,536 Here we go. 243 00:09:39,538 --> 00:09:42,332 Wait. What? No. This is where you stick an unfuckable intern. 244 00:09:42,416 --> 00:09:43,417 Oh, no, no, no. 245 00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:45,353 When I was a summer intern for lieutenant governor plasko 246 00:09:45,377 --> 00:09:47,546 back in seventh grade, I was in a much bigger office. 247 00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:50,174 We gotta get the morbidly obese fuck out of Iowa. 248 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:52,861 I mean, last night I tried to find one non-chain restaurant to eat at, 249 00:09:52,885 --> 00:09:55,095 and yelp basically told me to go fuddrucker myself. 250 00:09:55,179 --> 00:09:56,698 - Sounds like a settings issue. - Okay. No. 251 00:09:56,722 --> 00:09:58,682 Listen, we gotta get you national, Richard. Okay? 252 00:09:58,766 --> 00:10:00,577 So that's why I've already booked you on mclintalk. 253 00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:01,977 And I canceled it. 254 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,604 Oh! Governor ballentine! 255 00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:05,047 You think you're hot shit, splett? 256 00:10:05,189 --> 00:10:06,815 First human mayor of lurlene, 257 00:10:06,899 --> 00:10:08,960 straight to lieutenant governor in just a few months. 258 00:10:08,984 --> 00:10:11,024 - Thank you. - Well, now you're an ice-cold dog turd 259 00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:13,113 because you're not getting my job. 260 00:10:13,197 --> 00:10:14,865 Governor, we have the utmost respect... 261 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,428 Save it, Manhattan date rape mystery. 262 00:10:16,575 --> 00:10:19,661 Splett, I'm gonna Bury you so deep in bullshit make-work 263 00:10:19,745 --> 00:10:22,372 people are gonna forget Iowa even has a lieutenant governor. 264 00:10:22,456 --> 00:10:23,536 That shouldn't be too hard. 265 00:10:23,665 --> 00:10:25,918 (News tune plays on TV) 266 00:10:28,045 --> 00:10:30,422 This is Michael mclintock... 267 00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:33,425 And it's time to mclinta/k with Michael mclintock 268 00:10:33,509 --> 00:10:35,177 on CBS international... 269 00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:38,180 Yes, I'm still holding for secretary doer. 270 00:10:38,639 --> 00:10:40,516 - Mike looks good. - Mmm, so much better. 271 00:10:40,599 --> 00:10:43,161 Selina: What's he doing? How long does it take to change an adult diaper? 272 00:10:43,185 --> 00:10:44,704 The non/vegian national police have surrounded 273 00:10:44,728 --> 00:10:46,288 the Finnish embassy in Oslo, non/vay... 274 00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:47,439 Oh, my god in heaven. 275 00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:49,066 Selina, do you hate me? 276 00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,150 Minna, I'm on the phone. 277 00:10:50,234 --> 00:10:53,070 Ma'am, the white house refuses to get involved in your situation. 278 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,214 - What? - Kent: Although publicly, 279 00:10:54,238 --> 00:10:55,958 montez claims to be considering all options. 280 00:10:56,031 --> 00:10:57,926 Privately, I heard she's been doing impressions of you 281 00:10:57,950 --> 00:10:59,219 getting broom-sticked in prison. 282 00:10:59,243 --> 00:11:01,787 Are people actually laughing at that impression? 283 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:02,871 - No. - Yes. 284 00:11:02,955 --> 00:11:05,666 Is this really just about me reporting you to the icc? 285 00:11:05,749 --> 00:11:07,876 Yeah. How long am I supposed to be here? 286 00:11:07,960 --> 00:11:09,878 I could be dead before you ever get outta here. 287 00:11:09,962 --> 00:11:12,589 Well, no offense, Ben, but honestly, that could be, like, tonight. 288 00:11:12,673 --> 00:11:14,258 - God willing. - I forgave you 289 00:11:14,341 --> 00:11:16,110 for not voting for me to be the head of the imf. 290 00:11:16,134 --> 00:11:18,512 Minna, you don't go to prison 291 00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,430 when you're not the head of the imf. 292 00:11:20,639 --> 00:11:22,641 Just the prison of unmet potential. 293 00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:24,726 Ooh! Go sit in the corner, minna! Go! 294 00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:26,937 - Gary: Here comes the shoes! - Sit here. 295 00:11:27,145 --> 00:11:29,982 Guys, how is this affecting my chances at the nomination? 296 00:11:30,065 --> 00:11:33,485 You need to get in touch with the American ambassador to nonnay. 297 00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:36,989 Non/vay. Ambassador costas was montez's husband's chiropractor. 298 00:11:37,072 --> 00:11:39,259 Ben: Yeah, he does most of his ambassador-ing in Orlando. 299 00:11:39,283 --> 00:11:41,118 - Okay. - Okay, that's everything. 300 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:44,371 - (Gary grunts) - I have no space in this room! 301 00:11:44,454 --> 00:11:45,765 - I'll take it out. - I cannot move! 302 00:11:45,789 --> 00:11:47,749 It's easy. We'll get it out. (Grunts) 303 00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:53,463 Selina, can I askjust one teeny, tiny, very small question? 304 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,048 Yeah. 305 00:11:55,132 --> 00:11:57,175 - Minna. - Yeah. 306 00:11:57,259 --> 00:11:58,385 Yeah. 307 00:11:58,468 --> 00:12:00,429 From the bottom of my heart, 308 00:12:00,596 --> 00:12:03,724 I truly and completely forgive you. 309 00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:06,560 Now shut the living fuck up. 310 00:12:06,768 --> 00:12:08,854 I am just sorry that I cannot forgive you 311 00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,731 for killing all those innocent people. 312 00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:12,274 Get out. 313 00:12:12,858 --> 00:12:14,985 - We are sharing a room. - No, we're not. 314 00:12:19,948 --> 00:12:20,949 Yeah. 315 00:12:21,116 --> 00:12:23,410 Amy: Streptococksucker. 316 00:12:23,493 --> 00:12:25,287 Do you have the chicken pox? 317 00:12:25,370 --> 00:12:27,247 Clay gave them to me, yell at him. 318 00:12:27,331 --> 00:12:29,041 - No, I didn't. - Clay! 319 00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:31,877 Oh, sweet pestilent Christ. You need to see this. 320 00:12:32,169 --> 00:12:35,297 Disease control is reporting a large chicken pox outbreak 321 00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:36,924 in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. 322 00:12:37,007 --> 00:12:38,842 Oh, wow. We got out of there just in time. 323 00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:42,220 That is the eighth chicken pox outbreak in the last week, 324 00:12:42,304 --> 00:12:44,890 all in communities with low vaccination rates 325 00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:46,600 but no other apparent connection. 326 00:12:46,683 --> 00:12:48,769 Oh, my god, you patient IQ zero! 327 00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:51,730 You infected all those nutballs who don't believe in vaccinations! 328 00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:52,814 Well, serves them right. 329 00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:54,418 Didn't you have chicken pox as a child? 330 00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:57,486 Were you too busy bed-wetting and cutting fuck-holes in watermelons? 331 00:12:57,569 --> 00:12:59,047 - (Knocking at door) - Ugh, Amy, that only works 332 00:12:59,071 --> 00:13:00,280 with fleshy melons. 333 00:13:00,948 --> 00:13:02,783 - Duh. - Yeah. And sometimes pumpkins. 334 00:13:03,617 --> 00:13:04,618 - Daddy! - Hi, bethy. 335 00:13:04,701 --> 00:13:06,286 I'm really sorry I just showed up. 336 00:13:06,662 --> 00:13:07,663 Oh, no, no, no! 337 00:13:07,746 --> 00:13:09,432 I really wanna have a chance to talk with you, Jonah. 338 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:10,808 Can't you see I feel yucky enough already? 339 00:13:10,832 --> 00:13:12,668 Jonah, I know that you're angry with me. 340 00:13:12,751 --> 00:13:16,046 I hate you so much I could walk into a supermarket and shoot everybody. 341 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,465 It's all right to feel that way. 342 00:13:18,632 --> 00:13:21,426 I just want you to know that I love you. 343 00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:24,304 And I hope someday you'll give me another chance. 344 00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:27,432 Jonah: Okay. 345 00:13:28,350 --> 00:13:29,977 Um, I beg your pardon? 346 00:13:32,229 --> 00:13:33,981 Okay, you can be my dad. 347 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,024 I can be what? 348 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,444 You can be my dad if you want. 349 00:13:39,528 --> 00:13:41,154 Oh, come here! 350 00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:43,031 Oh, I love you, Jonah. 351 00:13:43,115 --> 00:13:45,867 I love you too, daddy. No homo. 352 00:13:46,243 --> 00:13:48,120 Sure. No homo. 353 00:13:48,495 --> 00:13:51,123 Minna: As we Finns say, the morning is wiser than the evening. 354 00:13:51,248 --> 00:13:52,642 Are you feeling wiser this morning, selina? 355 00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:55,794 - Get off. - No? I see that we are still choosing 356 00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,754 not to make the best of the situation. 357 00:13:57,838 --> 00:13:59,256 I can't. 358 00:13:59,965 --> 00:14:01,174 Who ate my yogurt? 359 00:14:01,258 --> 00:14:03,176 (Speaking other language) 360 00:14:03,301 --> 00:14:04,886 Alleged war criminal. 361 00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:07,410 Selina, I think it would be best for everyone if you can learn 362 00:14:07,472 --> 00:14:09,891 to followjust a few simple embassy staff rules. 363 00:14:09,975 --> 00:14:10,976 - What? - Number one, 364 00:14:11,059 --> 00:14:14,104 you write your name on your food in the refrigerator. 365 00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:16,398 - Oh, my god. - You see here, I've written "minna," 366 00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:18,400 and I have written it with a permanent marker. 367 00:14:18,984 --> 00:14:20,318 Number two, 368 00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:24,990 if you use a bowl or a spoon or a plate or a cup or a jug, 369 00:14:25,115 --> 00:14:28,035 aftennards, you would wash in the sink. 370 00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:30,495 Yeah? 371 00:14:33,457 --> 00:14:34,916 Selina, if you go to prison, 372 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:37,002 you will not have your Gary to clean up after you. 373 00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:38,354 - Okay, look... - No, I'll be there. 374 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:40,172 Ma'am, you gotta see what's on TV. Come on. 375 00:14:40,255 --> 00:14:42,591 Selina: Maybe it's time for me to just turn myself in, Ben. 376 00:14:42,674 --> 00:14:43,735 What is it? What's going on? 377 00:14:43,759 --> 00:14:45,570 Americans have come out in force to show their support 378 00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:47,113 for the former, and possibly future, president, 379 00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:48,138 selina meyer. 380 00:14:48,263 --> 00:14:49,473 - Selina: Oh! - Footage rolls. 381 00:14:49,639 --> 00:14:51,308 - All: Free selina now! - (Both laughing) 382 00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:52,559 Selina: What? 383 00:14:52,642 --> 00:14:54,770 It turns out Americans don't give a flying fatwa 384 00:14:54,853 --> 00:14:56,438 if you drone a bunch of muslims! 385 00:14:56,521 --> 00:14:58,082 Your favorables have never been higher, ma'am. 386 00:14:58,106 --> 00:14:59,107 For polling purposes, 387 00:14:59,191 --> 00:15:00,859 you're practically a generic white male. 388 00:15:01,151 --> 00:15:02,587 - (Laughs) This is incredible! - (Chuckling) 389 00:15:02,611 --> 00:15:04,237 I feel like the grim reaper 390 00:15:04,321 --> 00:15:07,240 just dropped his scythe and started eating me out! 391 00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:08,617 Catherine: Mom. 392 00:15:08,700 --> 00:15:10,869 Ma'am, Catherine just had the most romantic idea. 393 00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,996 - Oh, good. - Getting married here in Europe. 394 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:14,081 What? 395 00:15:15,916 --> 00:15:17,501 Oh, Catherine! 396 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,920 What a wonderful idea. 397 00:15:20,003 --> 00:15:21,171 Thank you, mother. 398 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,255 - Selina: Gary. - Yeah? 399 00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:25,050 Can you put something together here, at the embassy? 400 00:15:25,300 --> 00:15:28,011 I found the perfect dress at the Oslo medieval festival. 401 00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:29,763 - Oh, I doubt it. - Selina: Good. Okay. 402 00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:31,324 Ma'am, we got bigger reindeer to fuck here. 403 00:15:31,348 --> 00:15:32,432 Guys, listen to me. 404 00:15:32,516 --> 00:15:34,559 A wedding got me into this hot mess, 405 00:15:34,976 --> 00:15:37,145 a wedding's gonna get me out of it. 406 00:15:37,354 --> 00:15:39,481 A Potemkin wedding, if I may coin a phrase. 407 00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:40,565 Ben: Please don't. 408 00:15:40,649 --> 00:15:42,859 Okay. Look, we need a plane to get us home, correct? 409 00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:45,779 Selina meyer live via phone. Hello, president meyer. 410 00:15:45,946 --> 00:15:46,947 Selina: Hi, Mike. 411 00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:50,283 You know, I just want to thank the American people. 412 00:15:50,659 --> 00:15:53,036 I mean, obviously, while it is regrettable, 413 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,372 the loss of innocent lives, 414 00:15:55,497 --> 00:15:59,084 you know, I will never, ever apologize 415 00:15:59,209 --> 00:16:00,877 for keeping Americans safe. 416 00:16:01,253 --> 00:16:03,505 Uh, ma'am, we have the drone footage here. 417 00:16:03,588 --> 00:16:05,108 Would you take our viewers through it? 418 00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:07,342 Guest speaks as footage two rolls. 419 00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:11,304 Yes. Well, this is the compound belonging to Hamza ai bashir. 420 00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:13,548 Now, hold on. What is that right on over there, ma 'am? 421 00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:15,225 Is that an elephant or something? 422 00:16:15,517 --> 00:16:17,227 Yes. Yeah, I believe it is. 423 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:20,021 Apparently, ai bashir had some sort of a private zoo, 424 00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:22,105 and that's actually how we were able to locate him. 425 00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:23,358 Mike: And boom! 426 00:16:23,441 --> 00:16:24,943 Wop! There goes the elephant. 427 00:16:25,026 --> 00:16:26,361 - Ben: Ma'am? - Yeah. 428 00:16:27,028 --> 00:16:28,780 I think I may have found us a plane. 429 00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:31,509 Governor, it's so nice of you to come with us to comfort Jonah. 430 00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:33,535 Jonah Ryan has as much chance of becoming president 431 00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:35,996 as a stack of retarded raccoons in a trench coat, 432 00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:38,623 but if anyone's crawling out of our cesspool of a state 433 00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:40,917 to become his ag sec, it's gonna be this pigfucker. 434 00:16:41,001 --> 00:16:42,854 Yeah. I didn't realize that was a job requirement. 435 00:16:42,878 --> 00:16:44,588 (Indistinct clamoring) 436 00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,592 Oh, my god. 437 00:16:48,967 --> 00:16:51,970 What do you think? Beige or tuscan beige? 438 00:16:52,053 --> 00:16:53,388 Tough call. 439 00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:55,765 They are the same. 440 00:16:55,849 --> 00:16:57,976 And how is the blushing bride? 441 00:16:58,059 --> 00:17:00,020 (Gasps) Mother, come on. Really? 442 00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:02,731 - Cath, this is the best I could do. - Gorgeous. 443 00:17:03,023 --> 00:17:05,984 - Catherine: You always do this. - I do what? 444 00:17:06,651 --> 00:17:09,487 - Do you remember my 13th birthday? - No, I certainly don't. 445 00:17:09,571 --> 00:17:11,048 Do you remember my 16th birthday, then? 446 00:17:11,072 --> 00:17:12,258 - Do you remember that? - No, darling. 447 00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:14,468 We gonna go through all the birthdays? I don't remember any of them. 448 00:17:14,492 --> 00:17:16,762 Do you remember my high school graduation, or my college graduation? 449 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,055 Or any time I brought home a boyfriend 450 00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:19,390 for you to meet before I had girlfriends? 451 00:17:19,414 --> 00:17:21,517 I didn't know the theme of the wedding was Edward scissor sisters. 452 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:22,727 - I mean, seriously. - I'm gonna pause. 453 00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:25,086 Those sandwiches aren't gonna finger themselves. 454 00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:27,088 - I'll be right back. - Catherine, I do not 455 00:17:27,172 --> 00:17:30,008 want to fight with you, my darling. 456 00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:32,469 - I... - No, honey, listen to me. 457 00:17:32,844 --> 00:17:37,098 I am so very proud of you 458 00:17:37,349 --> 00:17:41,645 and your decision to get married here. 459 00:17:42,145 --> 00:17:43,813 - Thank you, mom. - Mmm-hmm. 460 00:17:43,897 --> 00:17:46,650 And you look amazing. 461 00:17:47,943 --> 00:17:51,196 And I'm amazed by your look. 462 00:17:54,449 --> 00:17:56,409 Um, I'm just gonna freshen up. 463 00:17:56,493 --> 00:17:57,911 - Okay. - Okay. 464 00:18:02,249 --> 00:18:04,084 Gary: Okay, we're all good. 465 00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:06,127 - Where's your mother? - She went to the bathroom. 466 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:10,257 - That's not the bathroom. - What? 467 00:18:11,216 --> 00:18:13,527 Ballentine: If I could just have a moment of your time, congressman. 468 00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:15,238 Jonah: Will you move? You're blocking the TV. 469 00:18:15,262 --> 00:18:17,472 Sorry. Yeah. I think in a Ryan administration 470 00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:19,435 I could really make a difference at agriculture. 471 00:18:19,474 --> 00:18:21,577 Yeah. Whatever. There isn't gonna be a department of agriculture. 472 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:23,436 - I'm getting rid of it. - What? 473 00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:24,562 Richard, who is this guy? 474 00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:27,148 I'm the fucking governor of Iowa, you nitwit! 475 00:18:27,232 --> 00:18:30,110 And you just cost yourself a spot in my administration! 476 00:18:30,193 --> 00:18:32,779 - I'll call you a cab, governor. - Nancy: Jonah, your dad's here! 477 00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:33,863 Oh, hey, dad! 478 00:18:33,947 --> 00:18:35,657 Look who's ready for a chicken pox party! 479 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:38,034 - What, I gave my dad chicken pox? - Second time! 480 00:18:38,118 --> 00:18:40,370 Jonah: Now I can really see the family resemblance. 481 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:41,746 Two generations of scabs, yo! 482 00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:44,082 Fuck me with a side of ranch. 483 00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:45,605 See ya back at the office, governor. 484 00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:47,460 (Catherine crying) 485 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,186 Catherine. What has your mother done now? 486 00:18:50,380 --> 00:18:54,384 She used our wedding as a diversion 487 00:18:54,467 --> 00:18:57,887 to escape from the nonnegian national police! 488 00:18:58,013 --> 00:18:59,014 Smart. 489 00:18:59,431 --> 00:19:00,473 Kitty cat. It's all right. 490 00:19:00,557 --> 00:19:02,434 We'll just get married back in the states. 491 00:19:02,517 --> 00:19:06,021 No. We are gonna get married right now, 492 00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:09,316 in Europe, because it's romantic. 493 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:11,234 Do you wanna maybe 494 00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:12,694 clean up first? 495 00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:15,822 No. I feel fucking pretty. 496 00:19:16,448 --> 00:19:17,574 Gary: Uh... 497 00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:20,618 I'm sorry. Who taught you to do a smoky eye? 498 00:19:20,869 --> 00:19:24,122 Joint special operations command. Jsoc. 499 00:19:26,207 --> 00:19:27,417 It's not bad. 500 00:19:27,792 --> 00:19:30,462 You know, these tunnels date back to world war ii. 501 00:19:30,545 --> 00:19:31,838 - Really? - Brave local citizens 502 00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:34,007 banded together in secret to assist the Nazis. 503 00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:37,135 I think we should be underneath the security perimeter by now. 504 00:19:37,218 --> 00:19:39,387 - How can you tell? - Murman: Ben. Over here. 505 00:19:39,471 --> 00:19:41,222 - What's that? - Murman: Ben. 506 00:19:41,306 --> 00:19:42,432 - (Selina gasps) - Ben: Oh! 507 00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:43,516 Selina: Murman! 508 00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:44,601 Selina. 509 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:46,078 I am so happy to see you! You have no idea! 510 00:19:46,102 --> 00:19:48,229 - I have helped many tunnel escapes. - Oh. 511 00:19:48,897 --> 00:19:50,357 - Funny story. - Oh, here we go. 512 00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:54,402 Once, I told my enemy it was tunnel escape, 513 00:19:54,486 --> 00:19:56,726 - but in fact, I just buried him alive. - Selina: Uh-huh. 514 00:19:56,988 --> 00:19:58,239 Murman. 515 00:19:59,157 --> 00:20:01,451 Actually, it was her, 516 00:20:01,618 --> 00:20:04,037 but story is funnier with a man, huh? 517 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,830 In these metoo days, you know? 518 00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,249 Actually, I think it could work with a woman. 519 00:20:08,333 --> 00:20:10,377 Either way, it's a very good story. 520 00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:12,462 Beginning, middle and end. Plus a lesson. 521 00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:17,592 Oh, but I would never, ever buried alive my dear old friend selina. 522 00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:19,844 Oh. Chivalry is not dead, murman. 523 00:20:19,928 --> 00:20:22,222 No, no, no. Her name was Svetlana, 524 00:20:22,305 --> 00:20:24,057 and she's definitely dead. 525 00:20:24,140 --> 00:20:26,351 Yeah, I think the story does work better with a man. 526 00:20:26,559 --> 00:20:27,811 That was my first instinct. 527 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,229 Selina: Well, there you go. 528 00:20:29,312 --> 00:20:31,064 Now, my car will take you to the airport. 529 00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:32,774 - Okay. - And the airplane is waiting 530 00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:36,069 to run out of gas and drop you into the north sea. 531 00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:37,404 What? 532 00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:39,322 Just kidding. (Snickers) 533 00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:43,743 - You are bad. - You believed me! 534 00:20:44,077 --> 00:20:45,495 Ben: You got us. 535 00:20:46,121 --> 00:20:48,748 I want to make one quick stop on the way to the airport. 536 00:20:48,873 --> 00:20:50,500 - What? - Yeah, I wanna just pop in 537 00:20:50,583 --> 00:20:52,043 and grab my nobel peace prize. 538 00:20:52,210 --> 00:20:54,963 Ma'am, that's the nobel prize ofbadideas! 539 00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:56,857 - No, that's economics, okay? - We need to be out 540 00:20:56,881 --> 00:20:58,550 of this jurisdiction immediately! 541 00:20:58,633 --> 00:21:00,427 Oh, please, I've got america on my side, 542 00:21:00,510 --> 00:21:02,637 and america doesn't give a shit about anything! 543 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:03,864 Kent: The hague gives a shit. 544 00:21:03,888 --> 00:21:05,991 Ben: Ma'am, we are not in america. We just crawled out of a drain! 545 00:21:06,015 --> 00:21:07,993 - Selina: Wait, what? - We're not in america right now. 546 00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:09,018 For crying out loud. 547 00:21:09,102 --> 00:21:10,728 Okay look, call Leon right now. 548 00:21:10,812 --> 00:21:13,148 Tell him to get his dick out of whatever homeless woman 549 00:21:13,231 --> 00:21:14,542 froze to death in front of the hotel, 550 00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:16,326 meet us over there with the speech. Let's go! 551 00:21:16,401 --> 00:21:17,402 Call him! 552 00:21:19,696 --> 00:21:21,364 (Keyboard keys clacking) 553 00:21:23,074 --> 00:21:24,969 Hi, I'm Dan egan, I used to work at the white house. 554 00:21:24,993 --> 00:21:26,703 You barely worked at the white house. 555 00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,746 (Chuckling) Oh! 556 00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,583 Oh, ames, I almost offered to help your career, 557 00:21:31,666 --> 00:21:33,310 then bang you and tell everybody in the office 558 00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:34,586 you're an unstable slut. 559 00:21:35,378 --> 00:21:36,463 It's a new dress. 560 00:21:40,633 --> 00:21:41,718 Beth: Come on, come on. 561 00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:43,470 Dumb child locks. 562 00:21:43,553 --> 00:21:45,805 - Need some help? - Thank you so much. 563 00:21:47,891 --> 00:21:49,350 How long have you been taking these? 564 00:21:49,434 --> 00:21:51,769 Ever since Jonah whacked me on the nose at the rally, 565 00:21:51,853 --> 00:21:53,730 but the pain went away in two days. 566 00:21:53,813 --> 00:21:55,690 They gave me 97 pills, though, 567 00:21:55,773 --> 00:21:59,110 so now I've just been taking them for the going-away of my feelings. 568 00:21:59,277 --> 00:22:00,570 So you're not pregnant. 569 00:22:00,904 --> 00:22:03,031 Oh, no. Jonah and I don't want any more kids 570 00:22:03,406 --> 00:22:05,658 until I can get my cake pop business off the ground. 571 00:22:05,742 --> 00:22:08,053 And we can do genetic testing to make sure they're not born dead. 572 00:22:08,077 --> 00:22:09,245 (Chuckles) 573 00:22:09,454 --> 00:22:11,080 - Hey, jonie. - Yeah? 574 00:22:11,164 --> 00:22:14,209 You know, right now you have a historic opportunity 575 00:22:14,292 --> 00:22:17,462 to speak to our better natures, bring the country together. 576 00:22:17,545 --> 00:22:20,173 But to do that, I think you have to tone down 577 00:22:20,256 --> 00:22:23,384 the angry, incoherent rhetoric a bit. 578 00:22:24,802 --> 00:22:26,304 I have kind of pushed it, haven't I? 579 00:22:26,387 --> 00:22:28,264 A little. A little bit, jonie. 580 00:22:30,767 --> 00:22:32,310 Okay, dad. Yeah, I will. 581 00:22:32,602 --> 00:22:34,687 Yeah. Okay. 582 00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:37,482 Hey, mom, will you make us some pancakes? 583 00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:39,445 - Ooh! Banana pancakes. - Yeah, banana pancakes. 584 00:22:39,984 --> 00:22:42,070 Oh, you know, I don't think I have any eggs. 585 00:22:42,153 --> 00:22:43,404 - Boo! Boo! - Boo! 586 00:22:43,488 --> 00:22:45,907 Go to the store to make pancakes! 587 00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:49,202 - Pancakes! Pancakes! - Jonah, I think that... 588 00:22:49,619 --> 00:22:51,120 Oh, my god! Lloyd! 589 00:22:51,496 --> 00:22:53,039 - Dad? - Oh, my god! Call 911! 590 00:22:53,248 --> 00:22:55,124 - Dad! - Richard: Make sure his nose is wet! 591 00:22:55,208 --> 00:22:57,043 - What? - Uh, that's for dogs. 592 00:22:57,669 --> 00:22:59,003 Selina: Let's go. We gotta move. 593 00:22:59,087 --> 00:23:00,927 We gotta get this thing and get to the airport. 594 00:23:01,339 --> 00:23:02,340 President lu! 595 00:23:03,383 --> 00:23:05,051 You're a hard man to get a hold of. 596 00:23:05,301 --> 00:23:07,720 - (Speaking own language) - {Mochng) 597 00:23:07,804 --> 00:23:10,723 Are we really doing this again? We all know he speaks English. 598 00:23:10,807 --> 00:23:12,967 - (Speaking own language) - I like your hair like that. 599 00:23:13,101 --> 00:23:14,894 - (In English) Thank you. - You're welcome. 600 00:23:15,436 --> 00:23:18,290 (In English) Selina meyer. Why am I not surprised to see you? Sit, please. 601 00:23:18,314 --> 00:23:22,068 Lookit, lu, we have always been able to do business together. 602 00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:25,196 If I'm elected, the us. Is gonna import 603 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:28,157 a shit-ton more of your tainted baby formula 604 00:23:28,241 --> 00:23:29,576 and defective drywall. 605 00:23:29,659 --> 00:23:31,202 - A little secret. - What? 606 00:23:31,286 --> 00:23:32,954 Different label, same product. 607 00:23:33,037 --> 00:23:34,038 Islands. 608 00:23:34,122 --> 00:23:35,164 Islands. 609 00:23:35,248 --> 00:23:37,000 Any islands you want, lu. 610 00:23:37,083 --> 00:23:40,461 Diaoyu, spratly, Florida keys, even. 611 00:23:41,170 --> 00:23:44,007 President montez has been a great friend to China. 612 00:23:44,090 --> 00:23:46,718 Our loyalty to her is unshakable. I'm sorry. 613 00:23:48,011 --> 00:23:49,220 You can have Tibet. 614 00:23:50,221 --> 00:23:51,681 What? 615 00:23:51,764 --> 00:23:53,016 Yeah. 616 00:23:53,099 --> 00:23:54,475 You can have Tibet back. 617 00:23:54,976 --> 00:23:56,144 Are you fucking kidding me? 618 00:23:56,227 --> 00:23:58,771 No. Right after the election, you can have it back. 619 00:23:58,855 --> 00:24:02,483 I mean, I'll have to condemn your actions publicly, of course. 620 00:24:02,567 --> 00:24:03,568 Of course. 621 00:24:03,651 --> 00:24:05,945 But then we'll propose a UN. Resolution, 622 00:24:06,029 --> 00:24:07,447 - you'll veto it... - I will. 623 00:24:07,530 --> 00:24:09,490 Then, you know, have at it. 624 00:24:09,574 --> 00:24:11,534 Is being president in a democracy even that great? 625 00:24:11,701 --> 00:24:14,412 - Well, it's barely a democracy, so... - I agree with that. 626 00:24:14,495 --> 00:24:16,615 Listen, I got a thing to get. Do we have a deal, or... 627 00:24:16,789 --> 00:24:18,374 - Sure. - I knew it. 628 00:24:18,458 --> 00:24:20,293 - Yeah. We're good. - You're a good man. 629 00:24:20,376 --> 00:24:22,086 I like it. You look good in a bow tie. 630 00:24:22,170 --> 00:24:23,230 Keith: Everything okay in here? 631 00:24:23,254 --> 00:24:24,380 Oh! You bet. 632 00:24:24,464 --> 00:24:25,757 'Cause you're my lapdog now. 633 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:26,924 - Okay. - Yeah. 634 00:24:27,550 --> 00:24:29,612 I thought I would take just a few moments of your time 635 00:24:29,636 --> 00:24:34,140 to remind you of the plight of the Azerbaijani minority in Georgia... 636 00:24:34,223 --> 00:24:35,266 Selina: I'm here! 637 00:24:36,643 --> 00:24:37,644 Thank you! 638 00:24:37,727 --> 00:24:39,103 I'm here! Thank you! 639 00:24:40,021 --> 00:24:41,856 - What are you doing here? - Oh, thank you! 640 00:24:41,939 --> 00:24:43,983 It's very perilous for you to be here. 641 00:24:44,067 --> 00:24:45,693 Thank you so much! Thank you! 642 00:24:45,777 --> 00:24:47,445 - I don't think you should... - Give it. 643 00:24:47,528 --> 00:24:50,823 Thank you so much for that wonderful introduction. 644 00:24:51,115 --> 00:24:52,116 Thank you. 645 00:24:53,451 --> 00:24:55,662 When the committee called to tell me 646 00:24:55,745 --> 00:24:58,873 I would be receiving the nobel peace prize, 647 00:24:58,956 --> 00:25:00,833 summit award... 648 00:25:01,209 --> 00:25:04,420 I considered telling them I didn't want it. 649 00:25:04,837 --> 00:25:08,174 You see, it's never been important to me 650 00:25:08,383 --> 00:25:10,176 to be honored publicly. 651 00:25:10,510 --> 00:25:13,388 But I decided to come tonight. 652 00:25:13,554 --> 00:25:16,724 Not for myself, but for the country of... 653 00:25:18,976 --> 00:25:19,977 Tibet. 654 00:25:21,062 --> 00:25:26,109 Imagine a world where Tibet were not free. 655 00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:29,112 Imagine that. 656 00:25:29,487 --> 00:25:32,240 And one of the world's great human treasures, 657 00:25:32,699 --> 00:25:34,575 Tibet's lamas, 658 00:25:34,909 --> 00:25:38,454 like these right here sitting in the front row, 659 00:25:39,038 --> 00:25:40,748 looking at me... 660 00:25:42,625 --> 00:25:47,130 Would certainly be imprisoned and tortured 661 00:25:47,380 --> 00:25:51,092 in the most vicious ways imaginable, 662 00:25:52,510 --> 00:25:54,846 possibly even killed. 663 00:25:56,639 --> 00:25:58,975 Oh, god almighty. 664 00:25:59,225 --> 00:26:02,061 So maybe I should just wrap this up. 665 00:26:02,145 --> 00:26:04,355 Shall we scroll ahead, please? 666 00:26:04,439 --> 00:26:05,523 Could you just... yes. 667 00:26:05,606 --> 00:26:06,816 Wait. Yes. 668 00:26:07,483 --> 00:26:09,610 Tibet must always be free. 669 00:26:10,611 --> 00:26:13,072 Free today, free tomorrow, 670 00:26:13,531 --> 00:26:15,158 free forever. Oh, god. 671 00:26:15,241 --> 00:26:16,325 Uh, thank you. 672 00:26:16,409 --> 00:26:17,618 Man: Wonderful! 673 00:26:17,702 --> 00:26:19,412 - Photographer: Photos, please. - Oh. 674 00:26:20,955 --> 00:26:21,998 Okay. 675 00:26:22,081 --> 00:26:23,708 No one's ever gonna forget that speech. 676 00:26:24,125 --> 00:26:25,126 You're fired. 677 00:26:25,668 --> 00:26:27,086 All right, let's get out of here. 678 00:26:27,336 --> 00:26:28,755 Take this piece of shit. 679 00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:31,340 Stop. Selina, stop. You give me no choice... 680 00:26:31,424 --> 00:26:32,759 Ugh. Goodbye, minna. 681 00:26:32,842 --> 00:26:35,178 Wow. Talk about inhumane droning. 682 00:26:35,261 --> 00:26:36,512 I guess I've got a type. 683 00:26:38,973 --> 00:26:40,183 So nice to see you 684 00:26:40,850 --> 00:26:42,685 on this sad occasion. 685 00:26:42,769 --> 00:26:45,480 So I thought maybe we could get a drink and... 686 00:26:45,688 --> 00:26:47,899 Sorry. Ames, this is Layla, my girlfriend. 687 00:26:49,317 --> 00:26:52,153 It just feels so weird saying that out loud. I can't help it. 688 00:26:52,820 --> 00:26:54,339 - Layla: Hello. - (Chuckles nervously) Hi. 689 00:26:54,363 --> 00:26:55,490 Layla's an ob-gyn. 690 00:26:56,199 --> 00:26:57,533 I know what she does. 691 00:26:57,617 --> 00:26:58,951 Oh, god, of course. 692 00:26:59,035 --> 00:27:00,620 You guys have already met. 693 00:27:00,703 --> 00:27:02,038 Classic egan. 694 00:27:03,706 --> 00:27:04,916 Um, are you okay here? 695 00:27:05,166 --> 00:27:06,167 - Mmm-hmm. - Yeah? Ok. 696 00:27:07,543 --> 00:27:08,836 What's up, man? 697 00:27:09,212 --> 00:27:11,130 So, how was your follow-up appointment? 698 00:27:11,214 --> 00:27:14,091 Less of a metal tube up my vag than this. 699 00:27:14,300 --> 00:27:16,302 Woman: I'm so sorry, Nancy. 700 00:27:16,385 --> 00:27:19,263 Adult chicken pox can be very serious. 701 00:27:19,722 --> 00:27:20,949 (Sniffles) Thank you for coming. 702 00:27:20,973 --> 00:27:22,517 Don't blame yourself, Jonah. 703 00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:23,810 It's not your fault. 704 00:27:26,229 --> 00:27:27,480 (Sobbing) Oh, my god! 705 00:27:27,563 --> 00:27:29,683 Can you get her a pill or something and calm her down? 706 00:27:29,899 --> 00:27:32,485 I don't want Diazepam, I want something good. 707 00:27:32,568 --> 00:27:33,569 Okay. 708 00:27:33,653 --> 00:27:35,238 Jonah, I gotta talk to you about that. 709 00:27:35,321 --> 00:27:38,032 - Okay. Oh, god. - Jonie, jonie. 710 00:27:38,115 --> 00:27:39,784 I'm just so sorry. 711 00:27:39,867 --> 00:27:42,995 Oh. Thank you, uncle Jeff. I really appreciate that. 712 00:27:43,079 --> 00:27:45,519 Sorry you killed your own father and I wasn't there to see it! 713 00:27:45,581 --> 00:27:47,416 (Snickering) 714 00:27:51,087 --> 00:27:52,922 - Sorry! - Uncle Jeff. 715 00:27:53,339 --> 00:27:55,150 - Could you please stop laughing? - (Jeff whoops) 716 00:27:55,174 --> 00:27:56,509 (Laughs uncontrollably) I can't! 717 00:27:57,385 --> 00:27:59,136 I can't believe you gave him chicken pox. 718 00:27:59,220 --> 00:28:01,097 I always had you pegged as an aids guy. 719 00:28:01,180 --> 00:28:03,266 (Laughs uncontrollably) 720 00:28:05,101 --> 00:28:06,310 (Richard chuckles) 721 00:28:07,186 --> 00:28:10,398 It's not funny, but his laughter is infectious. 722 00:28:10,481 --> 00:28:11,482 I can't breathe! 723 00:28:14,944 --> 00:28:16,904 - I can't breathe! - Mr. Kane, 724 00:28:16,988 --> 00:28:18,990 you're gonna come with me. 725 00:28:19,198 --> 00:28:22,285 Here's my hotel key. If you got a dick, I'll pay double. 726 00:28:22,368 --> 00:28:24,745 Jonah: Okay, everybody can come in and take a seat. 727 00:28:25,079 --> 00:28:26,497 - Hey, babe. - I love you. 728 00:28:26,581 --> 00:28:27,957 Love you too. 729 00:28:28,332 --> 00:28:31,085 So first off, I guess, thanks, everybody, for coming. 730 00:28:31,627 --> 00:28:32,837 And, um, 731 00:28:33,588 --> 00:28:36,257 as most of you know, I didn't get a lot of time with my dad 732 00:28:36,340 --> 00:28:38,885 but I think in the time that I did have with him 733 00:28:39,093 --> 00:28:41,512 I realized what a stupid loser he was. 734 00:28:41,596 --> 00:28:44,307 He didn't deserve me. Or even my mom. 735 00:28:44,599 --> 00:28:46,893 All he ever did, actually, was run out on us. 736 00:28:46,976 --> 00:28:50,187 You know, first, all those years ago, and now by dying. 737 00:28:50,271 --> 00:28:51,689 Beth: Oh. Whoa! 738 00:28:51,772 --> 00:28:54,084 And I guess I don't even really know if I liked him that much, 739 00:28:54,108 --> 00:28:56,828 because he probably would have sucked like all of my other step-dads. 740 00:28:57,403 --> 00:29:00,281 And I don't care that he's dead, because I am very strong. 741 00:29:00,364 --> 00:29:01,699 Beth: You're so beautiful. 742 00:29:01,782 --> 00:29:03,218 We're having cake pops at the house later. 743 00:29:03,242 --> 00:29:04,577 Beth: Who wants to go dancing? 744 00:29:04,660 --> 00:29:07,180 - I'm leaving. This place sucks. - Beth: My husband's right there. 745 00:29:07,204 --> 00:29:09,540 Richard, that bastard ballentine, 746 00:29:10,124 --> 00:29:12,335 he caught shingles from typhoid Jonah. 747 00:29:12,585 --> 00:29:15,421 He went blind with partial paralysis and has to step down. 748 00:29:15,504 --> 00:29:16,756 Oh, my god, that's awful. 749 00:29:16,839 --> 00:29:18,841 No! That makes me, I mean you, 750 00:29:19,300 --> 00:29:20,927 the governor of Iowa! 751 00:29:21,177 --> 00:29:23,262 - Congratulations to us both. - Oh, my god. 752 00:29:23,638 --> 00:29:26,599 So listen, you guys, we have to start thinking about the convention. 753 00:29:26,682 --> 00:29:28,535 - Oh, yeah. Sure do. - And possible veep candidates. 754 00:29:28,559 --> 00:29:30,436 There are a lot of people I want to snub. 755 00:29:30,519 --> 00:29:31,520 - Ma'am. - Yeah? 756 00:29:31,604 --> 00:29:32,605 Check this out. 757 00:29:32,688 --> 00:29:35,191 Oh, my god! Is that Richard? 758 00:29:35,274 --> 00:29:36,317 Governor splett. 759 00:29:36,400 --> 00:29:37,401 - Selina: No! - Yeah. 760 00:29:37,485 --> 00:29:39,338 - (Protesters clamoring) - Selina: What the hell? 761 00:29:39,362 --> 00:29:40,488 What's going on here? 762 00:29:40,571 --> 00:29:43,574 I thought nobody gave two osama bin shits 763 00:29:43,658 --> 00:29:44,951 about the drone strike. 764 00:29:45,034 --> 00:29:46,911 This is about killing elephants. 765 00:29:47,078 --> 00:29:49,514 Yeah. There's two things Americans don't like to see get hurt, 766 00:29:49,538 --> 00:29:51,791 animals, and white girls on spring break. 767 00:29:51,874 --> 00:29:52,935 Kent: The story is everywhere. 768 00:29:52,959 --> 00:29:54,251 Peggy noonan has a column 769 00:29:54,335 --> 00:29:56,545 about babar and American exceptionalism. 770 00:29:56,629 --> 00:29:57,755 Oh, she's a dumb cunt. 771 00:29:58,172 --> 00:30:00,091 Is this gonna affect my numbers, you think? 772 00:30:00,299 --> 00:30:01,300 Yes. 773 00:30:01,384 --> 00:30:04,011 (Indistinct clamoring) 774 00:30:04,095 --> 00:30:05,304 Oh, my god! 775 00:30:06,764 --> 00:30:07,932 He's giving me the finger. 776 00:30:08,307 --> 00:30:09,684 Look. See? 777 00:30:11,644 --> 00:30:14,981 As many of you know, it has been a difficult week for me, 778 00:30:15,940 --> 00:30:19,652 with the death of my dumb father and my hot wife going into rehab. 779 00:30:20,069 --> 00:30:23,781 Which, when you think about it, kind of makes her hotter, you know? 780 00:30:24,573 --> 00:30:27,159 But with the lord's help, I got through it. 781 00:30:27,410 --> 00:30:28,744 (Applause) 782 00:30:28,828 --> 00:30:30,287 And when I say lord, 783 00:30:30,371 --> 00:30:33,165 I mean Jesus Christ almighty, not the Jewish one. 784 00:30:33,249 --> 00:30:34,500 (Crowd cheering) 785 00:30:36,669 --> 00:30:38,379 Now, there has been a lot of debate 786 00:30:38,629 --> 00:30:42,216 about whether vaccines do or do not kill people. 787 00:30:42,299 --> 00:30:44,427 And they do, that's just science. 788 00:30:44,635 --> 00:30:48,514 But the other real killer is diseases. 789 00:30:48,806 --> 00:30:51,934 And how do these diseases get into america? 790 00:30:52,059 --> 00:30:53,561 - Crowd: How? - Immigrants. 791 00:30:53,769 --> 00:30:54,979 - Man: Kill them! - Yeah. 792 00:30:55,104 --> 00:30:57,231 Well, I mean, we don't have to kill all of them. 793 00:30:57,314 --> 00:30:59,442 There are some good immigrants. Beyonce? 794 00:30:59,650 --> 00:31:01,777 Ms. Brookheimer, do you have anything to eat? 795 00:31:01,861 --> 00:31:04,905 Um, I've got gum and advil. 796 00:31:06,032 --> 00:31:08,993 He had this came asada that I think was a family recipe. 797 00:31:09,076 --> 00:31:10,119 That guy stays. 798 00:31:10,327 --> 00:31:13,330 But we are not going to stop diseases 799 00:31:14,165 --> 00:31:16,792 unless we close our borders! 800 00:31:16,876 --> 00:31:19,128 - Crowd: Yeah! - From now on, 801 00:31:19,420 --> 00:31:21,881 no one in, no one out! 802 00:31:22,590 --> 00:31:25,509 Thank you. No one in, no one out! 803 00:31:25,676 --> 00:31:27,344 (Knocking at door) 804 00:31:27,428 --> 00:31:30,264 - What? Who's there? - Uh, it's Richard. 805 00:31:30,556 --> 00:31:32,058 - Who? - Oh, governor Richard splett? 806 00:31:32,141 --> 00:31:35,811 - Oh. - We, uh, brought you some flowers. 807 00:31:36,228 --> 00:31:37,772 Word is out on you, splett. 808 00:31:37,938 --> 00:31:39,523 You're living proof 809 00:31:39,607 --> 00:31:42,526 that the worst people in politics always succeed. 810 00:31:42,610 --> 00:31:45,905 I'll tell you something else, splett. Listen carefully. 811 00:31:45,988 --> 00:31:48,240 Someday you'll be an old man, and you'll... 812 00:31:48,324 --> 00:31:49,325 Governor splett... 813 00:31:49,408 --> 00:31:52,169 Now that you're a super-delegate, have you given any thought as to who 814 00:31:52,244 --> 00:31:53,847 you're gonna be endorsing at the convention? 815 00:31:53,871 --> 00:31:55,748 Isn't there any way I can endorse all of them? 816 00:31:55,831 --> 00:31:56,916 (All laugh) 817 00:31:56,999 --> 00:31:58,959 Okay. All right, thank you guys so much. 818 00:32:02,213 --> 00:32:03,506 Pull up a chair, splett. 819 00:32:03,923 --> 00:32:06,008 I've never told anyone this before. 820 00:32:07,301 --> 00:32:10,346 I have a daughter in California. 821 00:32:10,679 --> 00:32:13,015 She doesn't know anything about me. 822 00:32:13,349 --> 00:32:15,935 I've seen photographs on the Internet.