1 00:00:06,299 --> 00:00:07,818 The latest super Tuesday polls are in. 2 00:00:07,842 --> 00:00:10,720 You're up three in Texas. Eight in north Carolina. 3 00:00:10,803 --> 00:00:12,638 - Up two in Massachusetts. - Ooh! Nice! 4 00:00:12,722 --> 00:00:15,766 Then we fly back to Virginia tonight, pop into Alabama on the way, 5 00:00:15,850 --> 00:00:18,769 and then a quick stop in Oklahoma city for an hour-and-a-half rally. 6 00:00:18,853 --> 00:00:21,314 Mmm. That's an hour and 29 minutes too long 7 00:00:21,397 --> 00:00:23,399 in that former Indian concentration camp. 8 00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:25,919 Ben: Looks like kemi's got full protection from the secret service. 9 00:00:25,943 --> 00:00:28,279 What kind of affirmative action bullshit is that? 10 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,573 Here's your speech, ma'am. I dumbed it down even more. 11 00:00:30,656 --> 00:00:32,325 Good, 'cause the last one looked like 12 00:00:32,408 --> 00:00:34,869 the toilet bowl after William f. Buckley ate a thesaurus. 13 00:00:34,952 --> 00:00:36,829 Kemi has been getting some death threats. 14 00:00:36,913 --> 00:00:39,957 Well, then we should leak some of my death threats, okay? 15 00:00:40,041 --> 00:00:41,101 I mean, I get some, don't I? 16 00:00:41,125 --> 00:00:42,293 - Oh, yeah. - So many. 17 00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,396 Here's a couple that came in while you were on the plane. 18 00:00:44,420 --> 00:00:46,589 "I'm gonna break your fat arms and strangle you..." 19 00:00:46,672 --> 00:00:48,549 Wait. I don't have fat arms. 20 00:00:48,633 --> 00:00:51,219 (Laughs) That's just criminally insane and regular insane. 21 00:00:51,302 --> 00:00:53,155 - Pick another one. A plausible one. - Gary: Yeah. 22 00:00:53,179 --> 00:00:55,659 Leon: "Someone should put a bullet in your shriveled old face." 23 00:00:57,183 --> 00:00:59,852 Just make up some death threats that are nicer. 24 00:00:59,936 --> 00:01:01,205 Okay, I'll come up with a dozen. 25 00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:04,023 Wait a minute. Before I go onstage, where are we now? 26 00:01:04,106 --> 00:01:05,733 (Indistinct chatter) 27 00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:09,278 - I wanna say the south? - Uh, well... 28 00:01:09,362 --> 00:01:11,072 - Gary, go find out where we are. - Yeah. 29 00:01:11,280 --> 00:01:13,282 (Theme music playing) 30 00:01:15,785 --> 00:01:17,763 Leon: Ma'am, there is a small change to the speech. 31 00:01:17,787 --> 00:01:19,580 We no longer use the Rosa story. 32 00:01:19,664 --> 00:01:21,266 What are you talking about? It kills every time. 33 00:01:21,290 --> 00:01:22,291 - Tears! - I know. 34 00:01:22,375 --> 00:01:24,377 - Rosa was deported this morning. - Selina: Hi! 35 00:01:24,460 --> 00:01:26,462 They identified her from details in your speech. 36 00:01:26,545 --> 00:01:28,714 Well, that's impossible, because I made her up. 37 00:01:28,798 --> 00:01:31,842 Well, no, actually, ma'am, there's a Rosa Sanchez in Tennessee 38 00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:34,762 who has four kids and the exact same dead-end jobs. 39 00:01:34,845 --> 00:01:36,264 Oh, my god, you conjured her! 40 00:01:36,347 --> 00:01:38,182 Yeah, right out of my Stephen glass-hole. 41 00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:40,476 - Oklahoma city! - Reporter: Madam president! 42 00:01:40,559 --> 00:01:42,603 Any comment that a federal grand jury in New York 43 00:01:42,687 --> 00:01:44,706 is getting ready to indict your husband, Andrew meyer? 44 00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:46,541 - He's my ex-husband. - Can you respond to a rumor 45 00:01:46,565 --> 00:01:49,485 that he's hired a new legal team and is making a deal with prosecutors? 46 00:01:49,568 --> 00:01:52,738 I can't hear you, so you're gonna have to repeat that. 47 00:01:52,822 --> 00:01:55,092 - You have to repeat it. - That can only mean one thing, ma'am. 48 00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:56,367 Andrew's gonna flip on you. 49 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:58,160 God damn it! 50 00:01:58,244 --> 00:01:59,704 Tell my attorney to meet me in 51 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:01,473 - the next filler state we're in. - (Crowd chanting) 52 00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:03,499 'Cause last I heard, you can't run for office 53 00:02:03,582 --> 00:02:05,394 - and be in prison. - Ben: Oh, maybe in the house you can. 54 00:02:05,418 --> 00:02:07,878 Ma'am, this Andrew thing is everywhere. 55 00:02:07,962 --> 00:02:10,881 Your unfavorables are rising past "accidental ethnic slur" 56 00:02:10,965 --> 00:02:13,175 - right into "men's room incident." - Oh, god. 57 00:02:13,259 --> 00:02:15,136 Catherine? Okay. 58 00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:17,072 (Shushes) This is the face of clinical depression, ma'am. 59 00:02:17,096 --> 00:02:18,597 With the hair of a mental patient. 60 00:02:18,681 --> 00:02:20,141 Oh, my kingdom for a barrette. 61 00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:23,602 Listen, honey, um, daddy is in hiding again, 62 00:02:23,686 --> 00:02:25,855 and I know he calls you to borrow money sometimes... 63 00:02:25,938 --> 00:02:27,815 Fight your own battles, mother, okay? 64 00:02:27,898 --> 00:02:29,317 I'm really struggling right now. 65 00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:30,609 Selina: Okay, you know what, 66 00:02:30,693 --> 00:02:33,154 if anyone should be depressed, it's me, 67 00:02:33,237 --> 00:02:35,531 but I am stable as fuck. 68 00:02:35,614 --> 00:02:36,657 (Laughing) Yeah, you are! 69 00:02:36,741 --> 00:02:39,368 - Your lawyer's waiting. - Karen! 70 00:02:39,452 --> 00:02:41,954 - Madam president! - Oh, I'm glad to see you. 71 00:02:42,038 --> 00:02:45,416 - You, too. - Andrew might be cutting a deal, 72 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:47,376 which would just destroy me. 73 00:02:47,460 --> 00:02:49,003 I have to stop you there, ma'am. 74 00:02:49,086 --> 00:02:51,881 Andrew has hired me as his new attorney. 75 00:02:51,964 --> 00:02:53,424 Oh! Thank god. 76 00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:55,634 So you can talk him out of this deal, right? 77 00:02:55,718 --> 00:02:58,012 But it's a very good deal. For him. 78 00:02:58,095 --> 00:02:59,638 -Karen, -(Laughs) 79 00:02:59,722 --> 00:03:01,932 You understand that 80 00:03:02,016 --> 00:03:04,894 when I am elected president again, 81 00:03:04,977 --> 00:03:08,731 I can issue Andrew a full pardon. 82 00:03:08,814 --> 00:03:11,108 - Right? - Ugh. I wish you hadn't told me that. 83 00:03:11,192 --> 00:03:13,235 - And yet I'm also glad that you did. - Ah. 84 00:03:13,319 --> 00:03:16,072 I might be able to use it against you. (Chuckles) 85 00:03:16,155 --> 00:03:17,740 Iwouldn't, unless I have to. 86 00:03:18,866 --> 00:03:21,160 Well, this has been a dry fuck on a Sandy beach. 87 00:03:21,243 --> 00:03:23,305 (Chuckles nervously) It's always a pleasure to see you as well. 88 00:03:23,329 --> 00:03:25,331 Sure. Okay, we”, listen, 89 00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:28,250 will you tell Andrew that I'm gonna be in New York on Friday? 90 00:03:28,334 --> 00:03:31,253 So he can just come and talk to me directly. 91 00:03:31,337 --> 00:03:33,964 I can't advise my client to do that, but I might. 92 00:03:34,048 --> 00:03:35,424 Oh, god. 93 00:03:35,508 --> 00:03:37,259 Any luck with the human mobius strip? 94 00:03:37,343 --> 00:03:38,945 - (Door closes) - Andrew's cutting a deal. 95 00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:40,304 I could go to jail. 96 00:03:40,388 --> 00:03:41,680 I don't look good in jumpsuits. 97 00:03:41,764 --> 00:03:43,474 I mean, I do, but I don't. You know. 98 00:03:43,557 --> 00:03:44,785 - (Knock at door) - Selina: What? 99 00:03:44,809 --> 00:03:46,852 Ma'am, we've got incoming. 100 00:03:46,936 --> 00:03:49,697 I've got a buddy at wapo who's working on a story about south Carolina 101 00:03:49,772 --> 00:03:51,982 and possible foreign election interference. 102 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:53,734 Okay, first of all, 103 00:03:53,818 --> 00:03:56,654 call it the Washington post like a non-asshole, 104 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:59,031 and I don't know anything about foreign interference, 105 00:03:59,115 --> 00:04:00,991 and stop staring at me like I'm some sort of 106 00:04:01,075 --> 00:04:02,827 teenage runaway that you just strangled. 107 00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,453 Yes, ma'am. 108 00:04:04,537 --> 00:04:05,871 Oh, my god. 109 00:04:05,955 --> 00:04:06,956 First Andrew, 110 00:04:07,039 --> 00:04:09,708 and now this Washington post Chinese thing? 111 00:04:09,792 --> 00:04:11,168 I mean, my god, 112 00:04:11,252 --> 00:04:13,337 this is like having two different senators 113 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,256 with their hands up my skirt. 114 00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:18,801 Which actually happened to me once during a supreme court confirmation. 115 00:04:18,884 --> 00:04:22,179 Without going into any, uh, legally incriminating detail, ma'am, 116 00:04:22,263 --> 00:04:23,597 how deep are you? 117 00:04:23,681 --> 00:04:25,724 Keith Quinn is working with the Chinese. 118 00:04:25,808 --> 00:04:26,809 Ben: Wait, so Quinn 119 00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:29,520 - is the in-house Chinese asset? - Yeah. 120 00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,331 - I thought it was Kent. - I assumed it was you. 121 00:04:31,355 --> 00:04:33,190 What's our play moving fonnard here? 122 00:04:33,274 --> 00:04:35,192 The Joseph goebbels playbook. 123 00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:37,862 Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty. 124 00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:39,572 Steal from the best. 125 00:04:39,655 --> 00:04:41,341 You need to get rid of that Chinese money, ma'am. 126 00:04:41,365 --> 00:04:43,117 - Gary? - (Door opens) 127 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:46,120 Just book me on the friendliest news show possible. 128 00:04:46,203 --> 00:04:47,371 Copy that. Mike it is. 129 00:04:47,455 --> 00:04:51,041 Okay, Gary, you need to spend every dime in the space-based... 130 00:04:51,125 --> 00:04:53,502 - Faith-based. - Mmm-hmm. On religious shit. 131 00:04:53,586 --> 00:04:55,796 - Asap. - I don't know how to do that. 132 00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:57,590 I don't even know how it got there. 133 00:04:57,673 --> 00:05:01,218 Just give it to one of those gay-converting baptist colleges 134 00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:04,180 to fund a statue of a gold-plated Jesus 135 00:05:04,263 --> 00:05:06,474 - fucking a triceratops. - Wow! 136 00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:08,559 Amy: All right, congressman slender man. 137 00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:10,060 Don't say his name. 138 00:05:10,144 --> 00:05:11,997 Now that Florida has moved its primary to super Tuesday, 139 00:05:12,021 --> 00:05:13,999 we are going to stay here and focus all of our efforts. 140 00:05:14,023 --> 00:05:16,400 No, I told Beth that we could go to Arkansas 141 00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,128 so she could give me a hand job in a hot spring. 142 00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:19,278 It's my birthday. 143 00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:23,240 Your particular brand of crazy is polling very high here in Florida, 144 00:05:23,324 --> 00:05:25,951 especially with melanoma-loving swamp fuckers, 145 00:05:26,035 --> 00:05:27,661 storm-ravaged climate deniers, 146 00:05:27,745 --> 00:05:29,955 and deadbeat dads and deadbeat moms. 147 00:05:30,039 --> 00:05:31,123 Those are my peeps. 148 00:05:31,207 --> 00:05:33,083 So we are launching 149 00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:34,877 a brand-new fundraising initiative. 150 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:37,463 Next month, donate $38 151 00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:41,050 for Jonah Ryan's 38th birthday. 152 00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:42,134 Thirty-eight dollars? 153 00:05:42,218 --> 00:05:43,219 That's like a shitty gift 154 00:05:43,302 --> 00:05:44,863 that you get from your asshole grandmother. 155 00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:46,555 If selina meyer did this, 156 00:05:46,639 --> 00:05:48,098 she'd get, like, a thousand dollars 157 00:05:48,182 --> 00:05:49,534 because she's, like, a thousand years old. 158 00:05:49,558 --> 00:05:50,893 Selina would kill to be 38. 159 00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:53,103 She's been lying about her age for years. 160 00:05:53,187 --> 00:05:54,998 - Whatever. I'd still do her. - I'm down to clown. 161 00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:56,982 Holy shit, brookheimer, when you get an abortion, 162 00:05:57,066 --> 00:05:59,127 you're supposed to leave the mangled fetus at the clinic, 163 00:05:59,151 --> 00:06:01,445 not staple it to the skeleton of a gay condor 164 00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:02,655 and run it for president. 165 00:06:02,738 --> 00:06:04,615 - Well, hello, darling. - Hi. 166 00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:08,160 What Saudi prince's rape dungeon did you finger-trowel your way out of? 167 00:06:08,244 --> 00:06:12,957 - Uh, Jonah's rape dungeon? - (Laughing) In your face! 168 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,227 All right, anyway, I have the pleasure of informing you, 169 00:06:15,251 --> 00:06:16,291 congressman slender man... 170 00:06:16,335 --> 00:06:17,855 - Mmm-mmm. - Amy: Nope, beat you to it. 171 00:06:17,920 --> 00:06:19,380 Oh, shit. All right. 172 00:06:19,463 --> 00:06:21,006 Our government has assigned you 173 00:06:21,090 --> 00:06:23,259 your very own secret service detail. 174 00:06:23,342 --> 00:06:25,386 - Whoa. What? - Special agent youngblood! 175 00:06:25,469 --> 00:06:27,763 Youngblood? Oh, that's my favorite Rob lowe movie. 176 00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:29,557 Congressman Ryan, it's an honor. 177 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,559 Oh, yeah! This is like looking in a mirror. 178 00:06:31,642 --> 00:06:34,270 - Yeah, a hot mirror. - I'll be right outside, sir. 179 00:06:34,353 --> 00:06:36,373 Chances are you're still likely to get assassinated, 180 00:06:36,397 --> 00:06:38,023 but the killer, may god guide his hand, 181 00:06:38,107 --> 00:06:39,733 will just have to work a little harder. 182 00:06:39,817 --> 00:06:41,253 Oh, hey, can I get some of that body armor? 183 00:06:41,277 --> 00:06:43,696 Sincerest congratulations on all your life choices, Amy. 184 00:06:43,779 --> 00:06:45,322 Thank you. It pays quite well. 185 00:06:45,406 --> 00:06:47,741 Have a good weepy slide down the shower wall this evening. 186 00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:48,993 We gotta go. 187 00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:51,304 Will's got a full day ahead of him. Tell 'em what you gotta do, will. 188 00:06:51,328 --> 00:06:53,622 Uh, I was hoping to finally finish my passion project. 189 00:06:53,706 --> 00:06:54,707 Which is? 190 00:06:54,790 --> 00:06:57,001 Rerouting my urethra to behind my balls 191 00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:59,295 so that I have to sit to pee like a real girl. 192 00:06:59,378 --> 00:07:01,297 - (Guffaws) - Will: Goodbye, Amy, Jonah. 193 00:07:01,380 --> 00:07:02,899 - Bye, will. - Very nice to meet you, Mrs. Ryan. 194 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:05,123 Reporter: Mayor splett, do you consider yourself a hero? 195 00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:08,345 - (Clamoring) - Sit your hawk asses down! 196 00:07:08,429 --> 00:07:10,097 Not you, Richard. 197 00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:12,808 I'm gonna pick one of you minimum-wage media monkeys 198 00:07:12,891 --> 00:07:15,144 to ask three pre-approved questions, pre-written by me, 199 00:07:15,227 --> 00:07:17,080 and she's gonna owe me for the rest of her life. 200 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,824 And yes, I said "she," and I don't mean you. 201 00:07:20,316 --> 00:07:22,484 Well, I'd say I got here not a moment too soon. 202 00:07:22,568 --> 00:07:23,928 Because president meyer fired you? 203 00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:27,573 All right, look, Richard, we have an incredible opportunity here. 204 00:07:27,656 --> 00:07:29,634 I mean, the entire country thinks that you're a hero. 205 00:07:29,658 --> 00:07:31,493 Except for the 7-Eleven truthers. 206 00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:34,177 They say that no Jewish people were working in the store that day, 207 00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:36,206 but there's no Jewish people in lurlene, so... 208 00:07:36,290 --> 00:07:38,208 Dan: Richard, you need a chief of staff 209 00:07:38,292 --> 00:07:40,020 - that has real D.C. experience. - (Door opens) 210 00:07:40,044 --> 00:07:41,670 Mr. Mayor, the lieutenant governor 211 00:07:41,754 --> 00:07:44,381 still wants to set up a time for your award ceremony. 212 00:07:44,465 --> 00:07:47,259 Oh, Willa, this is Dan egan, my new chief of staff. 213 00:07:47,343 --> 00:07:48,344 Sure. 214 00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:50,638 Uh, Dan, there's no easy way to say this, 215 00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:53,015 but, uh, given your reputation, 216 00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:56,018 there's no dipping your quill in the company ink. 217 00:07:56,101 --> 00:07:57,686 - Copy that. - I mean sex. 218 00:07:57,770 --> 00:07:59,229 - Got it. - By that, I mean Willa. 219 00:07:59,313 --> 00:08:02,191 Mike: I wouldn't be doing my job, madam president, 220 00:08:02,274 --> 00:08:04,085 if I didn't ask the question that's on everybody's mind. 221 00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:05,462 - Is that a new hairstyle? - (Laughs) 222 00:08:05,486 --> 00:08:07,946 And your ex-husband Andrew is about to be indicted 223 00:08:08,030 --> 00:08:09,865 in the southern district of New York. 224 00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:11,659 Which is not a question, actually. 225 00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:14,119 Well, what we really should be talking about 226 00:08:14,203 --> 00:08:15,996 is senator Talbot's husband 227 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,582 and the longstanding accusations against him. 228 00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:20,352 - Gary: Mmm-hmm. - Oh. Well, let's go with that one. 229 00:08:20,376 --> 00:08:22,753 - That sounds juicy. - Plus his tax evasion. 230 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,214 Wait, senator Talbot's husband is cheating on his taxes? 231 00:08:25,297 --> 00:08:26,650 Well, that's what people are saying. 232 00:08:26,674 --> 00:08:28,008 How is nobody looking into this? 233 00:08:28,092 --> 00:08:29,527 I mean, why isn't the press covering this? 234 00:08:29,551 --> 00:08:31,053 Are they biased against you? 235 00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:33,555 Well, you said it, not me, but I also say it. 236 00:08:33,639 --> 00:08:36,725 You know, it's getting so you can't believe anything the media says 237 00:08:36,809 --> 00:08:38,727 - about anyone's husband! - Mike: Yeah! 238 00:08:38,811 --> 00:08:40,688 It's really a treat for me to come on a show 239 00:08:40,771 --> 00:08:42,981 that's fair and impartial. 240 00:08:43,065 --> 00:08:45,359 - (Laughs) When does this air? - Well, it's streaming now. 241 00:08:45,442 --> 00:08:47,778 Oh, I see. And what time will that be? 242 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:50,239 Now, you're going to lead off with a nod 243 00:08:50,322 --> 00:08:51,591 to the anti-vaccination movement. 244 00:08:51,615 --> 00:08:53,051 Yeah, why go to the doctor and get a shot 245 00:08:53,075 --> 00:08:54,451 for something you don't even have? 246 00:08:54,535 --> 00:08:57,496 Yeah, I didn't get Clay vaccinated because it causes autism, 247 00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:59,057 and now he just has a little bit of autism. 248 00:08:59,081 --> 00:09:00,374 Yeah, and when I was a kid, 249 00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:01,875 they said the best case scenario 250 00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:03,252 - was I had autism. - Mmm-hmm. 251 00:09:03,335 --> 00:09:05,713 - Fucking look at me now. - Don't use that line up there. 252 00:09:05,796 --> 00:09:08,132 Don't yell at him, 'cause loud noises make him flip out. 253 00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,193 - Rick, there's a gun in the front row. - Beth: Where? Jonah? 254 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,468 (Laughing) 255 00:09:11,552 --> 00:09:12,987 - Made you look! - Man: Ladies and gentlemen... 256 00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:14,811 - Amy: You're on! - Wish me luck, meat shield. 257 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:17,850 - Man: Jonah Ryan! - How you doing, cleannater! 258 00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:21,729 Right. If I could digress from my prepared remarks... 259 00:09:21,812 --> 00:09:22,980 How would anyone know? 260 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:26,316 I want to talk about my opponent, "president” selina meyer. 261 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:28,736 - (All booing) - Jonah: Has anybody noticed 262 00:09:28,819 --> 00:09:30,571 that she's been, like, 55 years old forever? 263 00:09:30,654 --> 00:09:32,090 - (Crowd laughs) - Yeah, I mean, come on, 264 00:09:32,114 --> 00:09:34,116 she is totally lying about her age, right? 265 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:35,200 Man: Kill her! 266 00:09:35,284 --> 00:09:36,994 Yeah, I mean, sure, maybe. 267 00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:39,830 I mean, how old are you really, selina meyer, huh? 268 00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:41,957 - Crowd: Yeah! - When are you from? 269 00:09:42,040 --> 00:09:45,169 When are you from? 270 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:49,131 All: (Chanting) When are you from? When are you from? 271 00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:51,008 When are you from? 272 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,926 When are you from? 273 00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:54,720 They have an actual crowd there? 274 00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:58,432 What, are they giving away free Tommy bahama dick cozies? 275 00:09:58,515 --> 00:10:00,392 Ben: Ma'am, this is not a big deal. 276 00:10:00,476 --> 00:10:01,956 Just show 'em your birth certificate. 277 00:10:02,019 --> 00:10:03,538 While we're at it, why don't we show 'em 278 00:10:03,562 --> 00:10:05,314 my estrogen patch prescription 279 00:10:05,397 --> 00:10:07,775 - and a polaroid of my stretch marks? - (Tv switches off) 280 00:10:07,858 --> 00:10:09,193 You mean your wisdom stripes. 281 00:10:09,276 --> 00:10:12,070 I have always been open and transparent 282 00:10:12,154 --> 00:10:13,339 - about how old I am. - Gary: Mmm-hmm. 283 00:10:13,363 --> 00:10:15,657 - Yeah, 55. - I believe it's 53. 284 00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:17,534 - Late 40s. - You're all correct. 285 00:10:17,618 --> 00:10:19,161 Well, look who cleans up nice. 286 00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:20,472 Can I get a quick fiver, madam p? 287 00:10:20,496 --> 00:10:22,498 Yeah. Oh, Gary, that reminds me, 288 00:10:22,581 --> 00:10:24,583 I need to switch out my estrogen patch. 289 00:10:24,666 --> 00:10:27,066 Mmm. Should I slip in a little swirl of progesterone for you? 290 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:29,254 - You can surprise me. - Yep. Oh! 291 00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:31,215 - Ma'am, uh, you... - Yeah. 292 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:34,176 It's fine. They know everything. 293 00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:36,595 Me so complicit. Me go jail long time. 294 00:10:36,678 --> 00:10:39,681 All right! The Houston chronicle is reporting that kemi voters 295 00:10:39,765 --> 00:10:42,226 have somehow got the idea that if they vote in the primaries, 296 00:10:42,309 --> 00:10:44,812 they're gonna get an IRS audit. (Laughing) 297 00:10:47,356 --> 00:10:48,398 (Selina chuckles) 298 00:10:48,482 --> 00:10:50,901 Keith, I don't want to know how you did that. 299 00:10:50,984 --> 00:10:53,153 Oh, well, Facebook'll walk you through it step by step. 300 00:10:53,237 --> 00:10:55,989 You know what? Maybe it's best if you don't update us so much. 301 00:10:56,073 --> 00:10:58,283 - But there is just one other matter. - Selina: Okay. 302 00:10:58,367 --> 00:11:01,787 Dissident poet deng dao has been arrested for... 303 00:11:01,870 --> 00:11:04,039 Well, they'll figure it out after they shoot him. 304 00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:05,266 What does that have to do with me? 305 00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:07,125 As the woman who freed Tibet, 306 00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:09,628 I'm guessing they'll want you to support them publicly. 307 00:11:09,711 --> 00:11:13,674 Okay, Keith, as much as I hate poetry, 308 00:11:13,757 --> 00:11:15,384 I'm not gonna do that. 309 00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:17,761 Yeah, until this Washington post thing blows over, 310 00:11:17,845 --> 00:11:18,885 we're gonna keep our wangs 311 00:11:18,929 --> 00:11:20,597 out of your Chinese fucking finger trap. 312 00:11:20,681 --> 00:11:21,890 Yeah, right. 313 00:11:21,974 --> 00:11:23,350 All right, I'll tell them. 314 00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,310 They insist on hearing bad news right away. 315 00:11:25,394 --> 00:11:28,564 - Fine. - Oh, uh, and if you talk to your ex, 316 00:11:28,647 --> 00:11:31,066 you might want to ask him about his business with China. 317 00:11:32,901 --> 00:11:34,862 - What? - See what he says. 318 00:11:37,489 --> 00:11:39,741 Is Andrew tied in with the Chinese? 319 00:11:39,825 --> 00:11:43,829 I... I don't know. I mean, he's always had a thing for asians. 320 00:11:43,912 --> 00:11:47,040 So do I, but if Andrew starts talking to the grand jury about, 321 00:11:47,124 --> 00:11:48,667 you know, you and China... 322 00:11:48,750 --> 00:11:51,879 This was supposed to be just a little simple bit 323 00:11:51,962 --> 00:11:54,464 of election-rigging! 324 00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:55,674 Fuck! 325 00:11:55,757 --> 00:11:56,800 (Door opens and closes) 326 00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:59,136 I have your estrogen patch, if you'd like. 327 00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:02,139 You wear it. Maybe you'll grow some hair on your vagina! 328 00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,223 Hmm. 329 00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:08,770 March wheelright medal of bravery. Mayor Richard splett of lurlene 330 00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:10,689 demonstrated remarkable heroism... 331 00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:12,357 Look at that. I'm telling you, Richard, 332 00:12:12,441 --> 00:12:14,192 this is just the beginning, all right? 333 00:12:14,526 --> 00:12:16,653 Oh! Sidney purcell. 334 00:12:16,737 --> 00:12:18,739 Of all the mid-priced steakhouse chains 335 00:12:18,822 --> 00:12:20,157 in northeastern Iowa... 336 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,051 Oh, sorry. Mayor splett, this is Sidney purcell. 337 00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:23,660 He represents the very good people 338 00:12:23,744 --> 00:12:25,662 at con-ag-chem family farms. 339 00:12:25,746 --> 00:12:27,372 Ah, well, this man needs no introduction. 340 00:12:27,456 --> 00:12:29,291 Please, the 7-Eleven mayor himself. 341 00:12:29,374 --> 00:12:31,769 - Oh, would you care to join us? - Yeah, I don't mind if I do. 342 00:12:31,793 --> 00:12:33,045 That's a great idea. 343 00:12:33,128 --> 00:12:36,048 You know, I'm actually really glad that I happened to run into you. 344 00:12:36,131 --> 00:12:38,592 There is a vote coming up in the State Senate, 345 00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:42,012 - uh, regarding pesticide regulations. - Oh, that's right. 346 00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:44,264 And there's an empty seat up there. 347 00:12:44,348 --> 00:12:45,700 Do you know anything about pesticides? 348 00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:46,892 Not as much as I'd like. 349 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,411 That empty seat in the State Senate, 350 00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:49,645 it could be yours. 351 00:12:49,728 --> 00:12:51,146 You know, down at the feed store 352 00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:52,940 they're saying your new seeds cause cancer. 353 00:12:53,023 --> 00:12:55,734 Well, we've paid for seven studies that say that it doesn't. 354 00:12:55,817 --> 00:12:57,945 - Seven? Wow. - Yeah, seven. Lucky sevens. 355 00:12:58,028 --> 00:13:00,068 That's good enough for me. Can't argue with science. 356 00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,716 I'm gonna get some drinks. You guys stay here, 357 00:13:01,740 --> 00:13:02,842 talk, get to know each other. 358 00:13:02,866 --> 00:13:04,761 You know what I want, right, Dan? What do you want, mayor? 359 00:13:04,785 --> 00:13:06,161 I want to read those reports. 360 00:13:08,205 --> 00:13:10,832 I'm sorry, um, you look so familiar to me. 361 00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:13,418 Did, uh... did we... 362 00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:17,047 Oh, no! I'm an ob-gyn. 363 00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:19,716 You brought a woman into my clinic 364 00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,802 to have her pregnancy terminated. 365 00:13:21,885 --> 00:13:23,279 Could you be a little more specific? 366 00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:24,530 I'm actually worried she might have 367 00:13:24,554 --> 00:13:26,848 some sort of thyroid issue because of her eyes. 368 00:13:26,932 --> 00:13:29,184 - Oh! Amy. - Yeah, Amy. 369 00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:31,520 Reminds me, I gotta apple pay her for my half. 370 00:13:31,603 --> 00:13:34,231 - Hey, can I buy you a drink? - You can buy me half a drink. 371 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:36,900 (Selina laughing) 372 00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:39,236 Kemi: (On TV) This is insane! 373 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,422 My husband has never done an illegal thing in his life... 374 00:13:41,446 --> 00:13:42,990 In his entire life! 375 00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,282 (Reporters clamoring) 376 00:13:46,618 --> 00:13:50,288 When women fall apart, they really fucking fall apart! 377 00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:54,292 Did you take the coconut out of my muesli 378 00:13:54,376 --> 00:13:55,669 - for tomorrow morning? - No. No. 379 00:13:55,752 --> 00:13:57,063 And you know what you need to do? 380 00:13:57,087 --> 00:13:58,505 You need to use tweezers this time 381 00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,882 because I really thought I could taste your fingers. 382 00:14:00,966 --> 00:14:02,342 I'm sorry. 383 00:14:02,426 --> 00:14:05,012 These, by the way, are completely hideous. 384 00:14:05,095 --> 00:14:06,513 - Catherine ordered those. - Oh. 385 00:14:06,596 --> 00:14:09,266 - Oh. (Chuckles) That's too much. - It is. 386 00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,559 - But thank you. - What? 387 00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:14,104 - Good evening, Lee. Got your message. - Okay, yeah. 388 00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:18,734 Wow, I've been trying to track you down for days. 389 00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:21,278 Hearing you say that really takes me back. 390 00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,487 (Scoffs) 391 00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:23,947 Okay. Out. 392 00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:27,284 Excuse me. I have work to do. 393 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:30,287 Are you really trying to cut a fucking deal here? 394 00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:31,830 - Well... - I mean, my god, 395 00:14:31,913 --> 00:14:34,624 do you understand this could cost me the presidency, Andrew? 396 00:14:34,708 --> 00:14:36,394 - I had no choice. - Oh, that's what you said 397 00:14:36,418 --> 00:14:38,295 about Catherine's freshman year roommate. 398 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:40,797 She had done a gap year abroad. She was not a true freshman. 399 00:14:40,881 --> 00:14:42,299 And now, 400 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:45,010 I'm hearing about you and the Chinese? 401 00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:47,905 That's funny, you're the third person who's asked me about that this week, 402 00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:50,307 a us attorney, a reporter from the Washington post... 403 00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:51,909 Since when are you doing business with them? 404 00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:54,061 Actually, you. Your name is all over... 405 00:14:54,144 --> 00:14:56,414 I should have really married that gay guy my mother liked. 406 00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:57,522 A couple years ago, 407 00:14:57,606 --> 00:14:59,900 a few Beijing businessmen approached me, 408 00:14:59,983 --> 00:15:02,235 and they wanted the investment expertise 409 00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:04,404 of the former president's disbarred ex-husband. 410 00:15:04,488 --> 00:15:05,614 No big deal. 411 00:15:05,697 --> 00:15:08,200 And we cleaned a teeny-tiny bit of money 412 00:15:08,283 --> 00:15:10,786 through the meyer fund, low nine figures. 413 00:15:10,869 --> 00:15:13,663 And that faith-based thing was a godsend. 414 00:15:13,747 --> 00:15:15,499 Wait a minute. You know Keith Quinn? 415 00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,959 I know him as Luther. We met in Macau at the shark fights. 416 00:15:18,043 --> 00:15:19,643 Do you want me to take the raisins out... 417 00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:21,379 - Out! - Yep. 418 00:15:21,463 --> 00:15:22,881 Yes! 419 00:15:23,757 --> 00:15:27,010 If we could find a fall guy... 420 00:15:29,262 --> 00:15:32,015 Honestly, I don't think people are gonna buy 421 00:15:32,099 --> 00:15:35,977 that a guy who calls vaginas "crinkum-crankums" 422 00:15:36,061 --> 00:15:39,606 is gonna be able to pull off some sort of multi-million dollar fraud. 423 00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:41,525 - Come on. - Well, it, uh... 424 00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:45,153 It would absolutely destroy Catherine, but, um... 425 00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:47,739 Marjorie? 426 00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:50,367 That's kind of perfect. 427 00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,410 Besides, women's prison. 428 00:15:52,494 --> 00:15:54,121 Yeah. Wall-to-wall crinkum-crankum. 429 00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:56,206 - I'm not touching you. - Amy: Uh, okay. 430 00:15:56,289 --> 00:15:58,226 - I'm not touching you. - Amy: Thank you for looking into that. 431 00:15:58,250 --> 00:16:01,002 Jonah, we still need a copy of your birth certificate 432 00:16:01,086 --> 00:16:02,838 and the New Hampshire vital records office 433 00:16:02,921 --> 00:16:04,381 cannot find it, so... 434 00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,925 Oh, yeah. No, that makes sense, I was born in Toronto. 435 00:16:07,008 --> 00:16:09,261 Toronto, Canada? 436 00:16:09,344 --> 00:16:11,972 I don't know, just cancel the press conference. 437 00:16:12,055 --> 00:16:13,306 Absolutely not! 438 00:16:13,390 --> 00:16:15,976 Do you have any idea how crazy 439 00:16:16,059 --> 00:16:19,146 all of this talk about selina's age must be making her? 440 00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:21,565 We are turning the screws 441 00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:26,444 on that miserable, poultry-necked hag... (Gasps) 442 00:16:26,528 --> 00:16:27,654 Jesus, Amy. 443 00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:30,115 God, is that what a real orgasm feels like? 444 00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:31,575 Ugh, do women have those? 445 00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,285 That's what I've been telling you. 446 00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:36,121 - All right, fine. I'll call my mom. - Thank you. 447 00:16:36,204 --> 00:16:37,974 Oh, and I should probably call Rick's mom, too 448 00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:40,226 just because she's probably still pretty sore from last night 449 00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,251 when I was all up in that 450 00:16:41,334 --> 00:16:42,836 puss-a y-a y-ya y 451 00:16:42,919 --> 00:16:44,546 in that puss-ay-ay-yay 452 00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:46,756 in that puss-ay 453 00:16:46,840 --> 00:16:48,440 well, what are you gonna do about it? Ah! 454 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:49,801 (Crashes) Ow! 455 00:16:49,885 --> 00:16:52,971 Marjorie? Love to talk to you for a second about the meyer fund. 456 00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:54,949 There's something I'd like to speak with you about as well. 457 00:16:54,973 --> 00:16:56,534 - Oh, okay. Good. - It's about Catherine. 458 00:16:56,558 --> 00:16:58,358 I think you know I'm a very traditional woman, 459 00:16:58,435 --> 00:17:00,312 though I do seek to topple the patriarchy 460 00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:02,814 by queering hetero-normative tropes. 461 00:17:02,898 --> 00:17:05,025 Are you talking about your outfit? 462 00:17:05,108 --> 00:17:07,444 As I was saying, I love your daughter very much. 463 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:11,656 I know that you do, Marjorie, um, palmiotti, 464 00:17:11,740 --> 00:17:13,241 and I have to say that I love 465 00:17:13,325 --> 00:17:15,178 the work that you do on the meyer fund very much. 466 00:17:15,202 --> 00:17:16,203 Thank you, ma'am. 467 00:17:16,286 --> 00:17:20,332 Although I personally don't know anything about it 468 00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:23,960 because you're the complete mastermind behind it, right? 469 00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:29,049 I think I can see you nodding your head "yes." 470 00:17:29,799 --> 00:17:31,676 Are you recording this conversation, ma'am? 471 00:17:31,760 --> 00:17:33,803 That is a bizarre thing to say. 472 00:17:33,887 --> 00:17:35,847 Well, the flowers have been moved, 473 00:17:35,931 --> 00:17:38,183 and Andrew's phone. 474 00:17:38,266 --> 00:17:39,809 I refuse to allow you to implicate me 475 00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:41,311 in your financial misdeeds, ma'am. 476 00:17:41,394 --> 00:17:42,520 They're not misdeeds. 477 00:17:42,604 --> 00:17:44,314 They were exploited opportunities. 478 00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,483 - Oh, there's my phone. - Yeah, she found it. 479 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,443 I'll spare Catherine this shameful episode. 480 00:17:48,526 --> 00:17:49,986 Despite the fact that you are 481 00:17:50,070 --> 00:17:52,280 two of the most reprehensible people I have ever met... 482 00:17:52,364 --> 00:17:54,217 - Hang on a second. - Where did that come from? Seriously. 483 00:17:54,241 --> 00:17:57,410 By some magical combination of abuse and neglect 484 00:17:57,494 --> 00:17:59,579 managed to create the perfect daughter. 485 00:17:59,663 --> 00:18:01,790 - Oh, well, thank you very much. - And that's why... 486 00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:04,143 I would like to ask both of you for Catherine's hand in marriage. 487 00:18:04,167 --> 00:18:05,919 Oh! Wow. 488 00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:07,963 You have our blessing. 489 00:18:08,046 --> 00:18:09,381 Yes, you have our blessing. 490 00:18:09,464 --> 00:18:10,465 - Absolutely. - Thank you. 491 00:18:10,548 --> 00:18:12,610 - Thank you very much. - Can I ask you a question, Marjorie? 492 00:18:12,634 --> 00:18:14,928 - Of course, ma'am. - Why would you buy that cow? 493 00:18:15,011 --> 00:18:17,347 When I can get the milk for free. Very good, ma'am. 494 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:20,183 - What? - I'm leaving now. For the record. 495 00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:21,518 It's... I'm not... 496 00:18:21,601 --> 00:18:22,936 Oh, god. 497 00:18:25,647 --> 00:18:27,941 - Lee? - Mmm? 498 00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:30,610 I honestly never thought it would come to this, 499 00:18:30,694 --> 00:18:32,529 but I have had a suitcase packed 500 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:35,115 and ready to go by the door for the last 20 years. 501 00:18:35,198 --> 00:18:36,950 - What? - I still have mee-maw's boat. 502 00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:38,243 The labor day? 503 00:18:38,326 --> 00:18:39,911 You told me it sank. 504 00:18:39,995 --> 00:18:42,872 I told you I reported it sunk to insurance. 505 00:18:42,956 --> 00:18:45,000 And I could take it down to Cuba, and from there, 506 00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:48,169 you know I've long felt a deep connection with the land of Israel 507 00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:50,839 and their non-extradition treaty. 508 00:18:50,922 --> 00:18:53,683 You can't just disappear, and I can't have people thinking I'm Jewish. 509 00:18:53,717 --> 00:18:55,361 We're right in the middle of the primaries. 510 00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:56,970 It's the best thing for both of us. 511 00:18:57,053 --> 00:18:59,014 The only thing they have on you is me. 512 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,600 Well, that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me. 513 00:19:02,684 --> 00:19:04,444 But I'm gonna need some walking-around money. 514 00:19:04,477 --> 00:19:06,980 Here we go. What... I mean, how far do you have to walk? 515 00:19:08,398 --> 00:19:09,899 Fuck! 516 00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:11,443 I mean, can you give me 24 hours? 517 00:19:11,526 --> 00:19:12,527 Yeah. Yes. 518 00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:15,155 (Exhales) 519 00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:17,699 I guess this is goodbye. 520 00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:19,534 I guess so. 521 00:19:20,535 --> 00:19:22,120 Well... 522 00:19:22,203 --> 00:19:23,413 Good-bye. 523 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,377 Hey, Andrew. What are you doing? 524 00:19:29,461 --> 00:19:31,022 Oh, yeah, I should probably go out the back door. 525 00:19:31,046 --> 00:19:32,047 Yeah. 526 00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:35,133 Your false accusations are working, ma'am. 527 00:19:35,216 --> 00:19:36,634 Oh, then they're no longer false. 528 00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:37,903 Basically a two-woman race to see 529 00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:39,846 who is less offensive to the American people. 530 00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:42,169 That's the best explanation of democracy I've ever heard. 531 00:19:42,223 --> 00:19:44,559 Also, they found Rosa Sanchez in El Salvador. 532 00:19:44,642 --> 00:19:47,187 - Who? - The fake real woman from your speech? 533 00:19:47,270 --> 00:19:48,271 Just in the Nick of time. 534 00:19:48,355 --> 00:19:50,333 She was about to be stoned by the local child army. 535 00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:53,068 Okay, guys, um, last night... 536 00:19:53,151 --> 00:19:56,363 I don't like when people feel they have to get closer to talk to me. 537 00:19:56,446 --> 00:19:59,366 It usually means I'm gonna be facing a longer prison sentence. 538 00:19:59,449 --> 00:20:01,659 - I saw Andrew... - The prosecution rests. 539 00:20:01,743 --> 00:20:05,830 We talked about a trip he might take out of the country... 540 00:20:05,914 --> 00:20:08,083 I will add tampering to our list of charges. 541 00:20:08,166 --> 00:20:11,795 But if we were able to give him a going-away gift, 542 00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:15,632 uh, he might be able to turn it into a stay-cation. 543 00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,884 - And bribery. - Gary? 544 00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:19,135 Yes, here. 545 00:20:19,219 --> 00:20:22,097 How much is left in that whole faith-space... 546 00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:23,390 Kent: Faith-based. 547 00:20:23,473 --> 00:20:26,518 I spent it all on bibles for the homeless. 548 00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:31,356 You spent millions... 549 00:20:31,439 --> 00:20:32,774 Yes, yes, I did. 550 00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:35,443 On leather-bound hobo toilet paper. 551 00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:38,446 Mmm. Oh, I hope they don't use the new testament for that. 552 00:20:38,530 --> 00:20:40,073 I need to speak with Keith Quinn. 553 00:20:40,156 --> 00:20:42,075 - Did I do something wrong? - Go. 554 00:20:42,158 --> 00:20:43,576 Ma'am, not Keith Quinn. 555 00:20:43,660 --> 00:20:45,203 Yes. What, do you have a better idea? 556 00:20:45,286 --> 00:20:46,996 - Yes, not Keith Quinn. - No. Go. 557 00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:48,998 - Ma'am, it's time. - Oh. Okay. It's... 558 00:20:52,085 --> 00:20:53,336 I was an alcoholic, 559 00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:58,258 I was in a relationship with a blonde, uncaring, bug-eyed rage-aholic. 560 00:20:58,341 --> 00:21:00,135 I used to work with someone just like that. 561 00:21:00,218 --> 00:21:03,096 Oh, my gosh, folks, our best friend of the show, 562 00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:05,390 president selina meyer, is on the line calling us today. 563 00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:07,142 - Hello? - Hello, Mike? How are you? 564 00:21:07,225 --> 00:21:08,953 Great. Hope you got the invite for the baby shower. 565 00:21:08,977 --> 00:21:10,454 What's going on with this chair? It's too low. 566 00:21:10,478 --> 00:21:11,914 Hint. We could still use the changing table, 567 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:13,148 or bye-bye ping pong. 568 00:21:13,231 --> 00:21:14,417 Oh, that's actually a cute name. 569 00:21:14,441 --> 00:21:16,168 - Are you gonna keep that? - Thank you, madam president. 570 00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:17,193 - Morning! - (Shushes) 571 00:21:17,277 --> 00:21:19,362 I'm calling because I wanted to talk to you 572 00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:21,364 about senator Talbot's husband. 573 00:21:21,448 --> 00:21:23,992 I have been hearing from hardworking American people 574 00:21:24,075 --> 00:21:26,035 - from all walks of life... - (Both grunting) 575 00:21:26,119 --> 00:21:29,581 That what he's into is way beyond tax fraud. 576 00:21:29,664 --> 00:21:33,084 I need some help for me ex from your friends in the east. 577 00:21:33,168 --> 00:21:34,502 Oh, I thought we were putting 578 00:21:34,586 --> 00:21:36,463 our little arrangement on the back burner? 579 00:21:36,546 --> 00:21:39,299 Madam president, senator Talbot has just released a statement. 580 00:21:39,382 --> 00:21:40,734 I'm gonna read it, so I get it right. 581 00:21:40,758 --> 00:21:42,469 You are simply attacking her family 582 00:21:42,552 --> 00:21:44,220 to distract from your own problems, 583 00:21:44,304 --> 00:21:46,723 and that you are the one who is guilty of fraud, conspiracy 584 00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:48,451 guess what? Mike, I have a special announcement. 585 00:21:48,475 --> 00:21:51,728 My daughter Catherine is getting married 586 00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:53,646 to her lady friend Marjorie. 587 00:21:53,730 --> 00:21:55,523 That's amazing! Isn't that great, buddy? 588 00:21:55,607 --> 00:21:57,233 Well, the Bible is actually very clear... 589 00:21:57,317 --> 00:21:59,027 Selina: Um, but now/have to run. 590 00:21:59,110 --> 00:22:00,653 It's been such fun talking with you, 591 00:22:00,737 --> 00:22:03,031 and I'm sure we'll connect later. 592 00:22:03,114 --> 00:22:05,658 So, Andrew? 593 00:22:05,742 --> 00:22:06,886 - I'll take care of it. - Okay. 594 00:22:06,910 --> 00:22:08,953 - Any date for the wedding? - Huh? 595 00:22:09,037 --> 00:22:10,973 - Any date for the wedding? - Oh, who gives a shit. 596 00:22:10,997 --> 00:22:13,374 Richard: This has been a very difficult decision, 597 00:22:13,458 --> 00:22:15,460 but, no, I will not be running for State Senate. 598 00:22:15,543 --> 00:22:17,104 There's just so many things I still want to do 599 00:22:17,128 --> 00:22:18,588 for the good people here in lurlene, 600 00:22:18,671 --> 00:22:21,883 like my own pet issue, which, as many of you know, is pet issues. 601 00:22:21,966 --> 00:22:23,736 And I certainly hope I'm not letting anyone down, 602 00:22:23,760 --> 00:22:24,945 especially my new friend Sidney. 603 00:22:24,969 --> 00:22:26,638 Are you referring to Sidney purcell, 604 00:22:26,721 --> 00:22:28,515 the con-ag-chem fam farm lobbyist? 605 00:22:28,598 --> 00:22:30,493 I'm so sorry. We don't have any time for more questions. 606 00:22:30,517 --> 00:22:32,119 Actually, Dan, that did sound like a question. 607 00:22:32,143 --> 00:22:34,562 Yes, Sidney purcell, super generous guy, 608 00:22:34,646 --> 00:22:36,189 offered me all sorts of great stuff, 609 00:22:36,272 --> 00:22:37,815 like brand-new kitchen appliances 610 00:22:37,899 --> 00:22:40,002 or a brand-new hot tub like the lieutenant governor has. 611 00:22:40,026 --> 00:22:41,086 We have a schedule to keep... 612 00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:42,922 Oh, but I'm not supposed to talk about that, right, Dan? 613 00:22:42,946 --> 00:22:44,447 Mayor splett, are you saying 614 00:22:44,531 --> 00:22:46,950 that con-ag-chem made you an offer to run for office? 615 00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:48,886 No, that's not what he said. He didn't say that. 616 00:22:48,910 --> 00:22:50,828 - Uh... no, no, no, Dan is right. - Thank you. 617 00:22:50,912 --> 00:22:53,957 Sidney made the offer. Con-ag-chem is a company, it can't talk. 618 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:55,250 Hilarious. A talking company. 619 00:22:55,333 --> 00:22:57,144 - Dan: We gotta go. - Where would the mouth even be? 620 00:22:57,168 --> 00:22:59,879 Ben: Ma'am, the press is out there waiting for you. 621 00:22:59,963 --> 00:23:02,882 Rosa is gonna spend the night here in Boston. No mini-bar key. 622 00:23:02,966 --> 00:23:04,068 This sit-down's gonna give us 623 00:23:04,092 --> 00:23:05,652 a nice little boost for the latino vote. 624 00:23:05,677 --> 00:23:07,470 - All right. - Kent: Hold up. 625 00:23:07,554 --> 00:23:09,657 Ma'am, I'm sorry, there's no easy way to tell you this. 626 00:23:09,681 --> 00:23:12,058 - Oh. - Your mother's boat, the labor day, 627 00:23:12,141 --> 00:23:14,561 exploded off the coast of Florida this afternoon. 628 00:23:14,644 --> 00:23:16,688 Andrew was the only person aboard. 629 00:23:18,856 --> 00:23:21,484 No. Uh-uh. 'Cause he was going to Cuba. 630 00:23:23,570 --> 00:23:25,989 Allegedly. 631 00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:29,242 Ma'am, maybe we can just cancel this Rosa thing. 632 00:23:30,618 --> 00:23:32,453 The latino vote, Ben. 633 00:23:35,415 --> 00:23:36,416 I'm so sorry. 634 00:23:36,499 --> 00:23:38,501 He was my ex-husband. 635 00:23:42,046 --> 00:23:44,048 - (Indistinct chattering) - (Cameras clicking) 636 00:23:46,342 --> 00:23:47,760 Hello. 637 00:23:47,844 --> 00:23:49,470 Oh, wow. Rosa. 638 00:23:50,597 --> 00:23:52,056 Oh, my good friend. 639 00:23:52,140 --> 00:23:53,766 That's not Rosa. 640 00:23:53,850 --> 00:23:55,977 Oh... om (chuckles) 641 00:23:56,060 --> 00:23:57,770 There she is. 642 00:23:57,854 --> 00:24:00,690 - That must be your mother. - My sister. 643 00:24:00,773 --> 00:24:02,108 Your sister. Okay. 644 00:24:02,191 --> 00:24:03,526 Familia. 645 00:24:03,610 --> 00:24:06,237 Rosa, you have had quite a journey. 646 00:24:06,321 --> 00:24:08,406 They put me on a plane and sent me to Mexico. 647 00:24:08,489 --> 00:24:10,241 That's a terrible place. 648 00:24:10,325 --> 00:24:11,492 I did nothing wrong. 649 00:24:11,576 --> 00:24:13,494 No, well, I did nothing wrong. 650 00:24:13,578 --> 00:24:16,789 I'm just trying to run for president here. 651 00:24:16,873 --> 00:24:19,751 You don't know how lucky you have it, really, to tell you the truth. 652 00:24:19,834 --> 00:24:22,587 I mean, the next thing you know, everything can change, 653 00:24:22,670 --> 00:24:25,381 it just goes... (Mimics explosion) Like that, right? 654 00:24:25,465 --> 00:24:27,133 And then... 655 00:24:27,216 --> 00:24:29,093 Okay, I think we need to wrap this up here. 656 00:24:29,177 --> 00:24:30,404 - Oh. - Uh, we got a busy schedule. 657 00:24:30,428 --> 00:24:32,138 I just want to say thank you, 658 00:24:32,221 --> 00:24:34,223 - president montez. - Sure, why not. 659 00:24:34,307 --> 00:24:36,392 - God bless you. - Madam president, quick question... 660 00:24:36,476 --> 00:24:38,853 - (Reporters clamoring) - Selina: I want to be alone. 661 00:24:39,687 --> 00:24:40,688 (Exhales) 662 00:24:46,653 --> 00:24:48,780 Mom, I can't believe that you ruined 663 00:24:48,863 --> 00:24:51,449 Marjorie's proposal all over the Internet. 664 00:24:51,532 --> 00:24:56,079 Catherine, I have just gotten some terrible news about your father, 665 00:24:56,162 --> 00:24:57,497 uh, being lost at sea, 666 00:24:57,580 --> 00:24:59,040 and you are up my ass 667 00:24:59,123 --> 00:25:01,876 about some proposal bullshit? 668 00:25:01,959 --> 00:25:03,586 - For real? - Too late, Catherine. 669 00:25:03,670 --> 00:25:04,837 Too late. 670 00:25:05,713 --> 00:25:06,839 (Knocking on door) 671 00:25:06,923 --> 00:25:07,924 Hey, now, 672 00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:09,902 you're not a grilled chicken Caesar and a Miller lite. 673 00:25:09,926 --> 00:25:12,929 - I need to talk to you. - Oh, sure. I'm all ears, milady. 674 00:25:13,888 --> 00:25:16,432 - Was it you? - Excuse me? 675 00:25:16,516 --> 00:25:18,768 Andrew is blown up. 676 00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:19,936 Did you do that? 677 00:25:20,019 --> 00:25:22,522 - Did you fucking do that? - Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! 678 00:25:24,649 --> 00:25:26,930 I have no idea what you're talking about, madam president, 679 00:25:26,984 --> 00:25:29,696 but you did say to take care of it. 680 00:25:29,779 --> 00:25:32,657 No, I didn't. I said for you to pay him off. 681 00:25:32,740 --> 00:25:35,993 I distinctly remember you saying, "take care of it." 682 00:25:36,077 --> 00:25:40,206 Okay, sure, but I didn't say it in a "take care of it" kind of way. 683 00:25:40,289 --> 00:25:41,999 I just said take care of it. 684 00:25:42,083 --> 00:25:45,420 And it was pretty clear. You said, "take care of it," 685 00:25:45,503 --> 00:25:47,880 and then you gave me a look. 686 00:25:47,964 --> 00:25:51,926 Not a "blow him to kingdom-fucking-come" look! 687 00:25:52,009 --> 00:25:54,595 No, no, no. Listen, your eyebrows did not move at all. 688 00:25:54,679 --> 00:25:57,265 Because I have had Botox! 689 00:25:57,348 --> 00:25:59,934 I abhor violence of any type. 690 00:26:00,017 --> 00:26:01,728 - Yes. - Okay? But I have seen 691 00:26:01,811 --> 00:26:03,771 plenty of "blow him up" looks. 692 00:26:03,855 --> 00:26:05,314 Oh, I'm sorry. 693 00:26:05,398 --> 00:26:06,858 - (Sobs) - Okay. 694 00:26:07,692 --> 00:26:08,860 Keith: Oh. 695 00:26:08,943 --> 00:26:10,820 Oh, my god. 696 00:26:10,903 --> 00:26:12,196 Let me get you some tissues. 697 00:26:12,280 --> 00:26:13,948 - Okay. - Okay? Yeah. 698 00:26:20,705 --> 00:26:21,831 (Gasps) 699 00:26:23,332 --> 00:26:25,334 I'm going back to my room. 700 00:26:25,418 --> 00:26:26,627 Oh, okay, okay. 701 00:26:26,711 --> 00:26:28,504 (Sobbing) 702 00:26:28,588 --> 00:26:31,424 It's okay, Catherine. Catherine, mommy's here. 703 00:26:32,800 --> 00:26:34,093 Mommy's here. 704 00:26:34,177 --> 00:26:35,887 Okay, mommy has to go. 705 00:26:35,970 --> 00:26:37,388 - Mommy has to go. - What? 706 00:26:41,100 --> 00:26:43,686 It's all right, Catherine, mommy's here. 707 00:26:43,770 --> 00:26:45,229 What do you think it says? 708 00:26:45,313 --> 00:26:46,564 I don't read mandarin, ma'am. 709 00:26:46,647 --> 00:26:48,107 When do the new kents come out? 710 00:26:48,191 --> 00:26:49,650 Do we have any friends at state? 711 00:26:49,734 --> 00:26:51,819 We have to find someone who can read mandarin 712 00:26:51,903 --> 00:26:53,143 but have no idea what it means. 713 00:26:53,196 --> 00:26:54,697 Like a brain-damaged chinaman. 714 00:26:54,781 --> 00:26:56,824 - Or woman. - Or woman. Sorry. 715 00:26:56,908 --> 00:27:00,244 Or the adopted child of someone with brain damage. 716 00:27:02,205 --> 00:27:05,458 You know what would help sell this birth certificate presser 717 00:27:05,541 --> 00:27:07,394 is actually finding the fucking birth certificate! 718 00:27:07,418 --> 00:27:09,086 Yeah, I know! God, mom! 719 00:27:09,170 --> 00:27:11,422 Don't you have a file marked "important shit" 720 00:27:11,506 --> 00:27:13,174 that has baby teeth in it 721 00:27:13,257 --> 00:27:16,427 and my vhs copy of night eyes ll starring Shannon tweed? 722 00:27:16,511 --> 00:27:18,304 Yes, and that's the first place I looked. 723 00:27:19,889 --> 00:27:21,641 - What's that? - Oh, there it is! 724 00:27:21,724 --> 00:27:23,160 Okay, jonie, we really need to talk. 725 00:27:23,184 --> 00:27:24,644 Mom, we don't have time to talk. 726 00:27:24,727 --> 00:27:26,270 America is waiting for my leadership. 727 00:27:26,354 --> 00:27:28,523 Oh, excuse me, I think I'm gonna be sick. 728 00:27:31,234 --> 00:27:32,860 Uh-oh, I think I know what that's about. 729 00:27:32,944 --> 00:27:34,779 (Reporters chattering) 730 00:27:34,862 --> 00:27:36,739 Agent youngblood. 731 00:27:36,823 --> 00:27:38,703 You know, I think you're doing a great job, sir. 732 00:27:41,369 --> 00:27:43,746 I have repeatedly called 733 00:27:43,830 --> 00:27:46,290 for selina meyer to release her birth certificate, 734 00:27:46,374 --> 00:27:49,210 but as everybody on my elementary school playground knows, 735 00:27:49,293 --> 00:27:51,504 I am not afraid to show you mine. 736 00:27:51,587 --> 00:27:53,047 In fact, here it is. 737 00:27:53,589 --> 00:27:55,216 This is my birth certificate. 738 00:27:56,092 --> 00:27:59,345 Name, Jonah joy Ryan. 739 00:27:59,428 --> 00:28:02,265 Weight, six pounds. Length, twenty-six inches. 740 00:28:02,348 --> 00:28:03,933 Yeah, that's right, twenty-six inches. 741 00:28:04,016 --> 00:28:06,269 Mother, Nancy kincannon. 742 00:28:06,352 --> 00:28:07,937 Father... 743 00:28:08,020 --> 00:28:09,021 (Cameras clicking) 744 00:28:09,981 --> 00:28:10,982 Excuse me. 745 00:28:13,276 --> 00:28:14,443 Jonah. 746 00:28:17,071 --> 00:28:19,198 Now it's your turn, selina meyer. 747 00:28:21,993 --> 00:28:23,160 Lloyd is my real dad? 748 00:28:24,495 --> 00:28:26,289 Of course he is. 749 00:28:26,372 --> 00:28:29,250 I tried to tell you a hundred times, jonie. 750 00:28:30,418 --> 00:28:31,460 Do you want a snack? 751 00:28:31,544 --> 00:28:34,130 No. I'm not talking to you. 752 00:28:34,213 --> 00:28:36,507 Fine. Mac and cheese. 753 00:28:36,591 --> 00:28:38,509 - Okay. - I can't believe this. 754 00:28:38,593 --> 00:28:39,927 And ketchup. 755 00:28:40,011 --> 00:28:41,929 That's why we went to Canada. 756 00:28:42,013 --> 00:28:45,766 We didn't tell anyone because Lloyd and I are second cousins. 757 00:28:45,850 --> 00:28:48,603 God, mom, that is vomitrocious. 758 00:28:48,686 --> 00:28:50,897 I could have been born with something wrong with me. 759 00:28:50,980 --> 00:28:52,916 You know what? I never thought that this would be a problem, 760 00:28:52,940 --> 00:28:54,859 then the two of you eloped 761 00:28:54,942 --> 00:28:58,613 so I just decided not to think about it 762 00:28:58,696 --> 00:29:00,948 'cause that's the best solution sometimes. 763 00:29:01,032 --> 00:29:03,743 - Wait, is Lloyd still my dad? - Yeah, nobody knows. 764 00:29:03,826 --> 00:29:05,494 But you're now officially my stepsister. 765 00:29:05,578 --> 00:29:06,996 Half sister. 766 00:29:07,079 --> 00:29:09,081 I'm sorry, I think I'm gonna be sick again. 767 00:29:09,165 --> 00:29:10,833 - ({gags) - (Microwave beeps) 768 00:29:10,917 --> 00:29:12,376 Mac and cheese is ready. 769 00:29:12,460 --> 00:29:13,620 Do you have any apple slices? 770 00:29:13,669 --> 00:29:15,189 You can have anything you want, honey. 771 00:29:15,254 --> 00:29:18,382 I want Lloyd to not be my dad! 772 00:29:19,133 --> 00:29:20,217 Me, too. 773 00:29:20,927 --> 00:29:22,678 Ma'am, you said you weren't gonna be here. 774 00:29:22,762 --> 00:29:23,763 - Selina: Oh! - Surprise! 775 00:29:23,846 --> 00:29:26,349 Do you want to meet baby Henry? He's so cute. 776 00:29:26,432 --> 00:29:29,477 Yes, but often, when a child gets a new baby brother, 777 00:29:29,560 --> 00:29:33,272 they can feel neglected and low self-esteem. 778 00:29:33,356 --> 00:29:35,316 - Catherine, for one. - Well, yes, exactly. 779 00:29:35,399 --> 00:29:37,127 And she didn't even have a baby brother. So... 780 00:29:37,151 --> 00:29:39,737 I actually feel the same way, too, as a dad, sometimes. 781 00:29:39,820 --> 00:29:42,782 So I think I should probably go and see Ellen right now. 782 00:29:42,865 --> 00:29:44,700 Sure. Does anybody want to meet baby Henry? 783 00:29:45,868 --> 00:29:47,203 - (Knocking on door) - Hi, Ellen. 784 00:29:47,286 --> 00:29:49,914 I'm your auntie selina, 785 00:29:49,997 --> 00:29:51,540 and this is uncle bennie, 786 00:29:51,624 --> 00:29:54,126 - and this is... - Chief strategist Kent Davidson. 787 00:29:54,210 --> 00:29:55,211 - How do you do? - Hi. 788 00:29:55,294 --> 00:29:56,921 Honey, can you do me a favor? 789 00:29:57,004 --> 00:29:59,173 You know what, I've got this piece of paper. 790 00:29:59,256 --> 00:30:01,133 I don't know what it says. 791 00:30:01,217 --> 00:30:03,094 I think maybe it's in mandarin. 792 00:30:03,177 --> 00:30:05,221 - Did you bring me a present? - It's in the car. 793 00:30:05,304 --> 00:30:08,140 Cool. Let's see... 794 00:30:08,224 --> 00:30:10,851 I just talked to my guy in the southern district. 795 00:30:10,935 --> 00:30:13,729 They're dropping the investigation into the meyer fund. 796 00:30:13,813 --> 00:30:14,897 - No! - Without Andrew, 797 00:30:14,981 --> 00:30:16,607 the whole thing just blew up. 798 00:30:16,691 --> 00:30:17,900 (Chuckles) Sorry. 799 00:30:17,984 --> 00:30:19,360 Well, what are you gonna do? 800 00:30:19,443 --> 00:30:22,363 Also, the post is spiking its election interference story. 801 00:30:22,446 --> 00:30:24,824 - Oh, my god! What? - (All laughing) 802 00:30:24,907 --> 00:30:27,118 Is this what it feels like to be a man? 803 00:30:27,201 --> 00:30:30,246 - Who is mon-tiz-uh? - What? Mon-tiz-uh? 804 00:30:30,329 --> 00:30:31,747 - Montez. - Wait a minute. 805 00:30:31,831 --> 00:30:34,000 Let me see what you wrote. 806 00:30:34,083 --> 00:30:36,085 "By giving meyer the nomination, 807 00:30:36,168 --> 00:30:39,255 "they can ensure a montez presidency"? 808 00:30:39,338 --> 00:30:40,923 I want to be president when I grow up. 809 00:30:41,007 --> 00:30:42,842 - You cannot. - Selina: God damn it! 810 00:30:42,925 --> 00:30:45,636 We can't even commit treason right? 811 00:30:45,720 --> 00:30:48,806 - What about my present? - Uh, I'm giving it to your brother. 812 00:30:48,889 --> 00:30:51,892 More than a dozen Iowa government officials are in hot water. 813 00:30:51,976 --> 00:30:54,395 The lieutenant governor, along with several state senators, 814 00:30:54,478 --> 00:30:58,941 have all been arrested for accepting improper campaign contributions 815 00:30:59,025 --> 00:31:00,735 from con-ag-chem family farms. 816 00:31:00,818 --> 00:31:02,403 Bye-bye, Sidney. 817 00:31:02,486 --> 00:31:03,988 Dan, I'm glad you're here. 818 00:31:04,071 --> 00:31:05,781 Uh, the governor called. 819 00:31:05,865 --> 00:31:07,985 He wants me to resign as mayor, effective immediately. 820 00:31:08,034 --> 00:31:09,452 What? You didn't do anything wrong! 821 00:31:09,535 --> 00:31:10,536 That's what he said. 822 00:31:10,619 --> 00:31:13,205 He's appointing me the new lieutenant governor. 823 00:31:13,289 --> 00:31:15,708 Yes. Richard, that is what I'm talking about. 824 00:31:15,791 --> 00:31:17,501 You see? Stick with me, right? 825 00:31:17,585 --> 00:31:19,837 Oh, now that we're moving to des moines, 826 00:31:19,920 --> 00:31:23,299 Willa is fair game and dtf, diverticulitis flare-up. 827 00:31:23,382 --> 00:31:25,262 So if you go out to eat, she can only have rice. 828 00:31:25,301 --> 00:31:26,302 Good to know. Thank you.