1 00:00:06,257 --> 00:00:10,178 Thank you, New Hampshire, for Manning up! 2 00:00:10,261 --> 00:00:12,346 What started in Iowa 3 00:00:12,430 --> 00:00:15,766 with a come-from-behind second place finish 4 00:00:15,850 --> 00:00:20,813 has built here tonight into an all-out victory! 5 00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:25,276 And now it's on to south Carolina 6 00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:29,238 and then back to the white house! 7 00:00:29,322 --> 00:00:31,240 (Music playing) 8 00:00:33,659 --> 00:00:35,578 That's right, you heard me, 9 00:00:35,661 --> 00:00:37,955 back to the white house! 10 00:00:40,291 --> 00:00:42,960 We 're going back there! 11 00:00:43,044 --> 00:00:45,671 Which one of you donkey-dongs was in charge of the balloons, huh? 12 00:00:45,755 --> 00:00:47,757 - Believe it or not, Amy. - She's still fucking up? 13 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:49,200 She hasn't worked here for months! 14 00:00:49,258 --> 00:00:51,135 Does anyone have her new email address? 15 00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:54,055 "Man up" continues to resonate in all four quadrants. 16 00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:57,308 It's universal. Men hate women, women hate themselves. 17 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:58,935 The Geraldine ferraro principle. 18 00:00:59,018 --> 00:01:00,228 Hey, ma'am, I was hoping 19 00:01:00,311 --> 00:01:02,080 I could have some more responsibility this time. 20 00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:03,189 - Selina: Yes. - Yes! 21 00:01:03,272 --> 00:01:07,026 Can you make me a waxing appointment in Charleston? 22 00:01:07,109 --> 00:01:09,153 - I'm feeling patriotic. - Full bald eagle. 23 00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:11,614 Ma'am, south Carolina is gonna be tough. 24 00:01:11,697 --> 00:01:14,033 - Guys, black people love me. - Love. 25 00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:16,535 Did you know Dr. Jordan Thomas, the civil rights leader, 26 00:01:16,619 --> 00:01:17,620 he once said to me... 27 00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:19,264 - You told me this. - We're aware, ma'am. 28 00:01:19,288 --> 00:01:20,539 This is a classic. 29 00:01:20,623 --> 00:01:22,041 He once said to me 30 00:01:22,124 --> 00:01:26,170 that I was the blackest white woman he ever met. 31 00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,964 Ben: Ma'am, you do know 32 00:01:28,047 --> 00:01:30,466 that this time you're running against an actual black person? 33 00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:32,093 Selina: She's not even all-black. 34 00:01:32,176 --> 00:01:33,594 Plus, I'm gonna be 35 00:01:33,678 --> 00:01:36,430 lion-kinging little Richard all around 36 00:01:36,514 --> 00:01:37,765 till I tear my rotator cuff. 37 00:01:37,848 --> 00:01:39,225 Absolutely not, mother. 38 00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:40,559 Gary: Hey, ma'am. Selina: Yeah. 39 00:01:40,643 --> 00:01:42,937 I have been working for you for 18 years 40 00:01:43,020 --> 00:01:45,481 - without a promotion. Yeah. - Right. 41 00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:46,816 But some people kind of think 42 00:01:46,899 --> 00:01:49,443 I deserve a bigger role in the campaign this time. 43 00:01:49,527 --> 00:01:51,327 What kind of role was your mother thinking of? 44 00:01:51,404 --> 00:01:53,590 I don't know, I thought everybody kind of did the same thing. 45 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,367 Ma'am, our faith-based outreach program is kind of a disaster. 46 00:01:56,450 --> 00:01:57,994 - (Gasps) - Okay, so give Gary 47 00:01:58,077 --> 00:01:59,161 the face-based thing. 48 00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:00,639 - It's "faith-based." - I don't care. 49 00:02:00,663 --> 00:02:02,206 - Gary: Yeah, okay. - All right. 50 00:02:02,290 --> 00:02:03,976 I gotta get a little shut-eye before we land. 51 00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:06,836 Can we have the lights out, please? Thank you. 52 00:02:07,920 --> 00:02:09,964 Hey, Ben, do you have the county-by-county... 53 00:02:10,047 --> 00:02:12,383 Selina: No talking! Gary: No talking! 54 00:02:12,550 --> 00:02:13,592 (Thuds) 55 00:02:13,676 --> 00:02:15,052 - Gary: Ow! - I'm hearing moving! 56 00:02:15,136 --> 00:02:17,138 (Theme music playing) 57 00:02:19,181 --> 00:02:21,517 Jonah: I can't believe I got sixth place. 58 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:24,478 It is time for us to head over to the electoral scrapyard 59 00:02:24,562 --> 00:02:26,856 and see if we can sell your endorsement for parts. 60 00:02:26,939 --> 00:02:29,150 Okay, I'm gonna go hang myself from a sturdy pipe, 61 00:02:29,233 --> 00:02:31,027 and I'm not even gonna botherjacking off. 62 00:02:31,110 --> 00:02:33,112 - You have time for a drink beforehand? - Mmm. 63 00:02:35,239 --> 00:02:37,867 Well, you're still my favorite son, jonie. 64 00:02:37,950 --> 00:02:40,786 How does butt-buddy Calhoun do 1% better than me? 65 00:02:40,870 --> 00:02:43,039 Well, you had 3% and he had 4%, 66 00:02:43,122 --> 00:02:45,750 so actually, he did 33% better than... 67 00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,418 Don't math me, Lloyd. 68 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:52,006 Math is a plot invented by the Chinese to make smart Americans feel dumb. 69 00:02:52,089 --> 00:02:53,632 Lloyd: Jonah, modern math was invented 70 00:02:53,716 --> 00:02:55,343 by islamic scholars in the 7th century. 71 00:02:55,426 --> 00:02:58,763 (Mockingly) You were invented by islamic scholars in the 7th century. 72 00:02:58,846 --> 00:03:00,973 Burn. Sorry, dad. 73 00:03:01,057 --> 00:03:03,327 Okay, jonie, please, don't yell at Lloyd. Please. He's just... 74 00:03:03,351 --> 00:03:04,661 Sorry. What is that on your finger? 75 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,520 - Is that a ring? - Lloyd: Well, actually, 76 00:03:06,604 --> 00:03:08,647 I asked your mom to marry me again, 77 00:03:08,731 --> 00:03:10,125 and I'm hoping we can get your blessing. 78 00:03:10,149 --> 00:03:11,209 Jonah: No! You don't have it... 79 00:03:11,233 --> 00:03:12,443 (High-pitched laughter) 80 00:03:18,491 --> 00:03:21,577 Ah! Saint Theresa's gray-haired gunt, 81 00:03:21,660 --> 00:03:23,746 they're fucking again? 82 00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:25,915 I'm sorry I'm late. 83 00:03:25,998 --> 00:03:28,709 The meyer victory party is still raging. 84 00:03:28,793 --> 00:03:30,169 They got some great coke. 85 00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:32,963 I can't believe you backed another candidate, uncle Judas. 86 00:03:33,047 --> 00:03:35,108 - You know, when I'm president... - Shut the fuck up! 87 00:03:35,132 --> 00:03:36,592 When you're president? 88 00:03:36,675 --> 00:03:38,928 I'll jam my fist up my dick hole 89 00:03:39,011 --> 00:03:41,305 and pull out a 40-piece set of Danish cutlery 90 00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:42,390 when you're president! 91 00:03:42,473 --> 00:03:44,725 Selina meyer is a legitimate candidate, 92 00:03:44,809 --> 00:03:47,144 not a human pool skimmer 93 00:03:47,228 --> 00:03:50,439 last used to despunk a provincetown hot tub party! 94 00:03:51,649 --> 00:03:53,192 Congratulations, sis. 95 00:03:53,275 --> 00:03:54,985 Let me know where to send the gift. 96 00:03:55,069 --> 00:03:58,030 Spoiler alert. It's Danish cutlery. (Laughs) 97 00:03:58,114 --> 00:04:00,991 Thanks, Jeff. See ya in church on Sunday. 98 00:04:02,785 --> 00:04:05,162 Gary? I need my tea. 99 00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:07,006 Marjorie: And a well-done egg white frittata. 100 00:04:07,039 --> 00:04:08,165 Here you are, ma'am. 101 00:04:08,249 --> 00:04:10,042 Whoa. That startled me. 102 00:04:10,126 --> 00:04:11,377 Why are you Gary? 103 00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:13,003 He had an early morning meeting. 104 00:04:13,087 --> 00:04:16,841 Well, you can't just replace Gary with another lesbian 105 00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:19,009 and think that I'm not gonna notice what... 106 00:04:19,677 --> 00:04:20,678 Mmm. 107 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,722 Oh, this tea is the perfect temperature. 108 00:04:23,806 --> 00:04:26,142 Thank you, ma'am. I learned from an afghani warlord. 109 00:04:26,225 --> 00:04:27,601 We should put him on the payroll. 110 00:04:27,685 --> 00:04:28,995 Oh, you killed him in a drone strike. 111 00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:30,104 Oh, well. 112 00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:31,772 I've laid out your outfit for the day. 113 00:04:31,856 --> 00:04:34,191 Oh! Oh, wow. 114 00:04:34,275 --> 00:04:36,694 I never thought before to put the bottega pumps 115 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,320 with the Michael kors top. 116 00:04:38,404 --> 00:04:40,124 You've been taking fashion advice from a man 117 00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:42,199 who dresses like an overgrown ventriloquist dummy. 118 00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:43,701 That's a solid point. 119 00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,412 - Oh. Is this edible? - No, ma'am. 120 00:04:50,708 --> 00:04:52,710 Hello. Hello. 121 00:04:52,793 --> 00:04:55,254 - Mr. Walsh. I'm Blake Stein. - Nice to meet you. 122 00:04:55,337 --> 00:04:57,756 - We're all ready to... - Yep. Yeah. Perfect. 123 00:04:57,840 --> 00:04:59,151 Did you see the spread that I ordered? 124 00:04:59,175 --> 00:05:01,594 These are fresh bagels from New York, 125 00:05:01,677 --> 00:05:04,346 which I'm very excited about 'cause the president hates bagels... 126 00:05:04,430 --> 00:05:07,308 (Shushing) ...And she can't even be in the same room with donuts. 127 00:05:07,391 --> 00:05:08,809 Uh, so why don't we get started? 128 00:05:08,893 --> 00:05:10,895 Yes, of course, of course, I'd love that. 129 00:05:10,978 --> 00:05:13,189 I would love that. 130 00:05:15,191 --> 00:05:17,193 Here we go. (Chuckles) 131 00:05:19,403 --> 00:05:21,405 - (Phone ringing) - (People talking indistinctly) 132 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,868 - (Whispers) Uh, Mr. Walsh. - Mmm, yeah? 133 00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,786 This is your meeting. You're in charge. 134 00:05:28,454 --> 00:05:31,957 Oh, I know. I know. I know. 135 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:33,542 Of course. 136 00:05:35,127 --> 00:05:37,546 Can I make anyone a plate? 137 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,217 - (Knock at door) - (Door opens) 138 00:05:41,300 --> 00:05:42,593 Oh, what up, mojo? 139 00:05:42,676 --> 00:05:44,779 Hey, when are you and I gonna have that pussy-eating contest? 140 00:05:44,803 --> 00:05:46,180 You have ten minutes. 141 00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:48,182 I started timing the moment you knocked. 142 00:05:48,265 --> 00:05:51,352 - Ma'am! So good to see you again. - Amy! 143 00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:53,562 How is that baby? It must be getting big. 144 00:05:53,646 --> 00:05:54,647 It's great. 145 00:05:54,730 --> 00:05:56,148 So the reason that we are here... 146 00:05:56,232 --> 00:05:57,233 Yeah. 147 00:05:57,316 --> 00:05:59,211 Is congressman Ryan is considering stepping aside 148 00:05:59,235 --> 00:06:00,236 and endorsing you... 149 00:06:00,319 --> 00:06:01,796 I want vice president. That's non-negotiable. 150 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:03,632 - Ooh, let's go. - No, I'm willing to negotiate. 151 00:06:03,656 --> 00:06:05,175 What about department of the exterior? 152 00:06:05,199 --> 00:06:06,200 Interior. 153 00:06:06,283 --> 00:06:08,178 We're gonna negotiate against ourselves now, Amy? 154 00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:11,413 Amy, Amy, I mean... 155 00:06:11,497 --> 00:06:13,290 (Laughing) Oh, god. 156 00:06:13,916 --> 00:06:16,627 If Ellen had a little sister from China, 157 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,296 it might help her bond with Mike. 158 00:06:19,380 --> 00:06:21,549 Or, uh, I could bond with the new one. 159 00:06:21,632 --> 00:06:23,509 Tell them about your big new job, Mike. 160 00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:24,718 Oh, gosh, yeah! 161 00:06:24,802 --> 00:06:26,929 I have my own Webcast on buzzfeed. 162 00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:30,266 I call it mclinta/k, a-I-k. 163 00:06:30,349 --> 00:06:32,768 It would be funny if you were American. 164 00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:35,229 So, is everything all right? 165 00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:36,397 Just one last question. 166 00:06:36,480 --> 00:06:37,898 Mr. Mclintock, 167 00:06:37,982 --> 00:06:40,985 are you still close with president selina meyer? 168 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,069 Well, full disclosure, 169 00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:43,838 she still doesn't like when I eat in front of her. 170 00:06:43,862 --> 00:06:45,656 - Very good. Very good! - Wendy: Very good! 171 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:47,741 Man: If you will just head down the hallway, 172 00:06:47,825 --> 00:06:49,261 we will have you sign the application. 173 00:06:49,285 --> 00:06:51,078 - Thank you so much. - Oh, thank you. 174 00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:53,414 - Man: Mr. Mclintock. - Yeah? 175 00:06:53,497 --> 00:06:58,335 I was wondering if you could deliver a message to president meyer for me. 176 00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:00,146 Remembering things and reporting them back to people 177 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:02,673 is not my strong suit, but I could write it down. 178 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:03,966 Please don't write it down. 179 00:07:05,175 --> 00:07:06,260 Okay. 180 00:07:06,885 --> 00:07:09,346 Jordan: My father started this youth center for one reason. 181 00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:10,740 You gotta keep the kids off the streets. 182 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,016 That's right. Gangs and... 183 00:07:12,099 --> 00:07:14,268 You know, what you need is more police protection. 184 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:17,187 As you know, the police are doing most of the shootings. 185 00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:19,023 Yeah, well, the police are out of control. 186 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:21,025 - Let me give you the rest of the tour. - Okay. 187 00:07:22,192 --> 00:07:23,277 - Huh? - Ma'am, last month 188 00:07:23,360 --> 00:07:25,362 a local eight-year-old boy was shot by police 189 00:07:25,446 --> 00:07:27,364 when his candy bar was mistaken for a gun. 190 00:07:27,448 --> 00:07:28,888 And how was I supposed to know that? 191 00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:30,284 It was in today's line-by-line. 192 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,077 You know I don't read what you give me. 193 00:07:32,161 --> 00:07:33,638 Thought I lost you! Let's continue the tour. 194 00:07:33,662 --> 00:07:34,848 - The kids are waiting. - Okay, great. 195 00:07:34,872 --> 00:07:37,207 Selina: Your father was such a great man, 196 00:07:37,291 --> 00:07:39,960 and you have inherited not only his good looks, 197 00:07:40,044 --> 00:07:41,712 but also his charisma! 198 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,756 Oh. Now I'm blushing and a little bit crushing. 199 00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:46,133 I would really love to be able to count on 200 00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:48,469 your endorsement this time around. 201 00:07:48,552 --> 00:07:49,678 - Really? - Yeah. 202 00:07:49,762 --> 00:07:52,556 - You're gonna make me say it? - Say what? 203 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,350 She gonna make me say it! 204 00:07:54,433 --> 00:07:56,268 We've got a sister running, ya know. 205 00:07:56,352 --> 00:07:58,395 We got race in the race. Praise Jesus! 206 00:07:58,479 --> 00:08:00,814 Yes. Indeedy. I, you know... 207 00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:02,900 - Progress! - Progress. 208 00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:06,320 Yeah, but you know, your daddy, he used to say to me 209 00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:09,782 that I was the blackest white woman he ever met. 210 00:08:09,865 --> 00:08:11,116 Can I tell you something? 211 00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,594 My dad said that to a lot of white women. 212 00:08:12,618 --> 00:08:13,702 That was his move. 213 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,079 (Jordan chuckles) 214 00:08:15,162 --> 00:08:16,622 Now you know. 215 00:08:16,705 --> 00:08:19,083 Oh, I would love to see you at services on Sunday, 216 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:21,585 and I would love it if you'd speak to the congregation. 217 00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:23,545 Well, I'm... 218 00:08:23,629 --> 00:08:24,922 I'm pretty booked up. 219 00:08:25,005 --> 00:08:26,006 No. Just take it away. 220 00:08:28,676 --> 00:08:32,680 Amy: Senator Talbot, we believe you are positioned to win the nomination, 221 00:08:32,763 --> 00:08:36,475 and we might be considering suspending congressman Ryan's campaign. 222 00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:37,726 Definitely the right move. 223 00:08:37,810 --> 00:08:38,852 K-jazz. 224 00:08:38,936 --> 00:08:40,312 Ask me what's on my mind. 225 00:08:40,396 --> 00:08:42,606 Fine. What's on your mind, congressman Ryan? 226 00:08:42,690 --> 00:08:44,233 I'm glad you asked, 227 00:08:44,316 --> 00:08:49,154 because my mind's on my money and my money's on my mind. 228 00:08:49,238 --> 00:08:51,073 Laid back. 229 00:08:53,701 --> 00:08:56,061 I thought she'd be more... I thought you'd be more familiar. 230 00:08:57,246 --> 00:08:59,331 I mean, did you at least watch Martin? "Damn, Gina!" 231 00:08:59,415 --> 00:09:00,874 - We should go. - What? She asked. 232 00:09:00,958 --> 00:09:02,686 Just, uh, let us know if we can be of any help. 233 00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:04,962 Could you give me hud? Nobody cares about it. 234 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,339 It's like the fat girl of cabinet posts. 235 00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:10,718 Ma'am, the new anti-kemi mail pieces just came in. 236 00:09:11,593 --> 00:09:13,929 What, the tragic mulatto fuck? 237 00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:15,806 Kemi looks like an albino. 238 00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,392 And I'm so black, people are gonna start calling me articulate. 239 00:09:18,475 --> 00:09:20,787 Hey, ma'am. Presenting my first faith-based outreach video. 240 00:09:20,811 --> 00:09:22,038 - (On computer) Outreach. Reaching out. - No. 241 00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:23,522 Okay. 242 00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:25,899 Look, guys, if we're not getting the black vote, 243 00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:28,402 then we have to take a hard turn to the white. 244 00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:31,155 Kent, how are we doing with non-college-educated whites? 245 00:09:31,238 --> 00:09:32,424 - Look at this. - Kent: Underwater, ma'am. 246 00:09:32,448 --> 00:09:34,283 Then how about college-educated whites? 247 00:09:34,366 --> 00:09:35,826 In south Carolina, 248 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,454 that is not a significant slice of the pie. 249 00:09:38,537 --> 00:09:41,707 Then we're gonna have to find a way with non-college-educated whites. 250 00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:43,667 Like, what appeals to them... Okay, fine. 251 00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:45,878 What appeals to them? What do they want? 252 00:09:45,961 --> 00:09:48,338 Well, my polling shows their main wants are jobs, 253 00:09:48,422 --> 00:09:50,340 educafion, and an adequate safety net... 254 00:09:50,424 --> 00:09:52,885 - Okay, I can speak to that. - I'm not finished, ma'am. 255 00:09:52,968 --> 00:09:55,345 "To be denied to African Americans." 256 00:09:55,429 --> 00:09:57,699 - My video could help, actually. - (Music playing on laptop) 257 00:09:57,723 --> 00:09:58,807 - No! - (Exhaling sharply) 258 00:09:58,891 --> 00:10:01,101 Listen, we have to find a way 259 00:10:01,185 --> 00:10:04,688 to say those things without actually saying them. 260 00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,732 - Like a dog whistle. - Yes, exactly! 261 00:10:06,815 --> 00:10:08,877 You know what? You could talk about charter schools. Mention... 262 00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:10,819 Come on, that's like a dog whisper. 263 00:10:10,903 --> 00:10:14,490 You could "reject" an endorsement from a pro-confederacy group. 264 00:10:14,573 --> 00:10:17,701 That's like a dog exploding space shuttle. 265 00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:19,787 I need something loud, not too loud like... 266 00:10:19,870 --> 00:10:22,039 - A dog chainsaw? - No, that's too droney. 267 00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:23,332 Marjorie: A dog snowmobile. 268 00:10:23,415 --> 00:10:26,418 Why would I know what that even sounds like? I mean, seriously. 269 00:10:26,502 --> 00:10:28,462 - I'm sorry, ma'am. - A dog leaf blower? 270 00:10:28,545 --> 00:10:30,547 - Yeah, I like that. Yes. - Ben: That's right. 271 00:10:30,631 --> 00:10:32,471 - Steady. - It's exactly like a dog chainsaw... 272 00:10:32,508 --> 00:10:34,348 - No, it doesn't. - Leon: Very different sound. 273 00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:35,506 It needs a higher register. 274 00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:36,696 - (Music playing on laptop) - Yeah, it is higher. 275 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,014 Okay, this is closed. I don't know... this is closed. 276 00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:41,558 Wait a minute, what is Gary doing here? 277 00:10:41,642 --> 00:10:43,453 This is my first strategic meeting at the big table. 278 00:10:43,477 --> 00:10:46,313 Okay, guys, what you need to do is get me in front 279 00:10:46,396 --> 00:10:48,690 - of huge white audiences. - Huge. Huge. 280 00:10:48,774 --> 00:10:50,275 Something that makes a Nascar race 281 00:10:50,359 --> 00:10:52,319 look like a Jay-Z concert, you know? 282 00:10:52,402 --> 00:10:54,506 Actually, ma'am, Jay-Z concerts are almost all white people. 283 00:10:54,530 --> 00:10:56,198 Okay, well, right? I know. 284 00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:57,950 Mike: Hey, guys! Big news. 285 00:10:58,033 --> 00:11:00,118 Wendy and I are adopting another Chinese baby. 286 00:11:00,202 --> 00:11:01,971 Where are you registered? Child protective services? 287 00:11:01,995 --> 00:11:03,372 No, gymboree. 288 00:11:03,455 --> 00:11:05,535 I love that they make clothes in your size now, Mike. 289 00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:06,726 - Oh, gosh, ma'am. I forgot. - Selina: Yeah? 290 00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:08,043 The guy at the Chinese consulate 291 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:10,087 said he had a message for you from president lu. 292 00:11:11,088 --> 00:11:12,089 Wait, what? 293 00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,091 He said, "president lu is watching the election 294 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,094 "with great interest and hopes to return to your conversation 295 00:11:17,177 --> 00:11:19,888 "about the diaoyu islands in the near future." 296 00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:24,268 Hey, can you go look at Gary's faith video? 297 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:27,104 - Yeah, he needs some help. - Sure. You need the mclintock spin? 298 00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,522 Selina: Sure. Mike: Okay. 299 00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:29,833 Oh. Hey, ma'am, you got a moment? 300 00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:31,483 - No. - Copy that. 301 00:11:31,567 --> 00:11:34,194 What the fuck was... out! 302 00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:41,827 - What was that? - Lu sent you a message inside Mike. 303 00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,287 A misfortune cookie. 304 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:44,621 Who cares about an island 305 00:11:44,705 --> 00:11:46,623 that doesn't have a four seasons on it? 306 00:11:46,707 --> 00:11:48,292 The diaoyu islands are important 307 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:51,169 to the Chinese militarily, but the United States 308 00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:53,547 still does not recognize them as Chinese territory. 309 00:11:53,630 --> 00:11:55,173 Surely lu recognizes that 310 00:11:55,257 --> 00:11:57,634 I can't recognize diddly-squat. 311 00:11:58,302 --> 00:11:59,303 Unless... 312 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:00,470 You become president. 313 00:12:00,554 --> 00:12:03,849 So, what? You think that lu is trying to help me become... 314 00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,292 Don't finish that sentence, ma'am. 315 00:12:05,350 --> 00:12:08,937 We can't have this discussion. We are still a nation of laws. 316 00:12:09,021 --> 00:12:10,147 - Ish. - Esque. 317 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,857 Of course, but let's be clear 318 00:12:11,940 --> 00:12:14,484 about what we're not talking about. 319 00:12:14,568 --> 00:12:17,029 Okay? We are not talking about 320 00:12:17,112 --> 00:12:20,782 letting the Chinese influence our presidential election 321 00:12:20,866 --> 00:12:24,786 and certainly not in exchange for me recognizing those islands. 322 00:12:24,870 --> 00:12:28,081 And, since it is not being discussed, then I do not have to mention 323 00:12:28,165 --> 00:12:30,083 that you cannot trust the Chinese. 324 00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:33,754 And they will not sell you out in a Beijing minute. 325 00:12:35,172 --> 00:12:37,424 Wait, they will or they won't? 326 00:12:37,507 --> 00:12:38,759 I don't know. 327 00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:41,553 Well, I mean, can't we not 328 00:12:41,637 --> 00:12:45,015 not do the thing that we're not talking about? 329 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,183 I'm totally lost. 330 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:49,102 Do you think captain lady kangaroo heard any of that? 331 00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:51,271 - I don't think so. - No? Okay, good. 332 00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,273 Fire her anywayjust to be sure. 333 00:12:53,357 --> 00:12:55,108 Consider her green-jeaned, ma'am. 334 00:12:56,526 --> 00:12:57,587 - Ma'am, big news... - Yeah? 335 00:12:57,611 --> 00:13:00,364 - Tom James called. He wants a meeting. - Is he dropping out? 336 00:13:00,447 --> 00:13:02,175 A James endorsement right now would be a game changer. 337 00:13:02,199 --> 00:13:04,409 Set it up. I wanna see Tommy beg. 338 00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:09,039 So, how's little Richard doing with solid foods? 339 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,267 Don't ask me, ask her. Apparently, she's in charge of him now. 340 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,852 (Scoffs) Catherine, please don't do this. 341 00:13:12,876 --> 00:13:15,796 You stole our baby and you took him to church. 342 00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:17,464 He saw a male Jesus. 343 00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:20,258 When my uncle stole me, I don't remember where he took me, 344 00:13:20,342 --> 00:13:23,512 but I do have this recurring dream where I almost find out. 345 00:13:23,595 --> 00:13:25,281 - Richard, what's that noise? - (Indistinct whirring) 346 00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:26,556 Oh, it's a crop-duster. 347 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,308 They usually fly pretty low. 348 00:13:28,392 --> 00:13:30,060 - Can you say "airplane"? - Not that low. 349 00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:32,354 Oh, sweet male Jesus! 350 00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:34,237 - Richard? Are you okay? - Catherine: Richard? 351 00:13:36,608 --> 00:13:37,968 - (Knocking at door) - (Door opens) 352 00:13:38,235 --> 00:13:40,487 Gary. You're growing your hair. 353 00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:42,406 That's an amusing joke, senator James. 354 00:13:42,489 --> 00:13:44,241 Senator, hello. 355 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:45,742 Madam president. 356 00:13:45,826 --> 00:13:47,536 Marjorie, thanks very much. You can leave. 357 00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,371 Or I could stay. For safety's sake. 358 00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:50,831 I'm a model of discretion. 359 00:13:50,914 --> 00:13:52,594 Oh, you can be discreet out in the hallway. 360 00:13:55,585 --> 00:13:57,796 You just left her in there? With him? 361 00:13:57,879 --> 00:13:59,047 I was following orders. 362 00:13:59,131 --> 00:14:00,799 Oh, so was Hitler. 363 00:14:00,882 --> 00:14:02,735 Marjorie, there's something that you need to see. 364 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:04,803 Catherine, little Richard is not sick. 365 00:14:04,886 --> 00:14:06,286 Please stop taking his temperature. 366 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:07,389 No, it's big Richard. 367 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:09,349 (Mumbles) 368 00:14:11,977 --> 00:14:14,177 Reporter: (On TV) I'm here reporting from lurlene, Iowa, 369 00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:15,981 where earlier today an airplane 370 00:14:16,064 --> 00:14:18,191 crashed into the local 7-Eleven. 371 00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:20,736 Miraculously, there were no fatalities, 372 00:14:20,819 --> 00:14:22,904 due in no small part to the heroics 373 00:14:22,988 --> 00:14:25,824 of lurlene's own mayor, Richard splett. 374 00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:28,035 Mayor splett, what happened? 375 00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:30,495 Oh, well, a crop duster clipped the power line 376 00:14:30,579 --> 00:14:32,622 and bumped into a local 7-Eleven. 377 00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:35,101 We 're working with fe ma to bring in emergency supplies and cigarettes. 378 00:14:35,125 --> 00:14:36,602 I've never been more proud I taught that man 379 00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:38,045 to ejaculate into a cup. 380 00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:40,714 Selina: All right, senator James, what's it gonna be? 381 00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:43,258 I've heard you had a yen for treasury. 382 00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:45,677 I think a lot of my supporters would actually think 383 00:14:45,761 --> 00:14:47,846 that state was more appropriate. 384 00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:50,223 Ouch. Things are that bad at home, huh? 385 00:14:50,307 --> 00:14:52,809 Let's just say that a few international tours 386 00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:54,561 would ease domestic tensions. 387 00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:55,854 (Chuckles) 388 00:14:58,315 --> 00:15:00,150 Well, it's pretty early days, though. 389 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:03,111 You know, and still moving pieces around... 390 00:15:03,195 --> 00:15:08,241 Foggy bottom is a pretty big plum to be giving away so soon. 391 00:15:08,325 --> 00:15:11,036 Although secretary of state is only really powerful 392 00:15:11,119 --> 00:15:16,374 if he or she has a close personal relationship with the president. 393 00:15:16,458 --> 00:15:19,711 I don't know. Tom, I have to tell you, I'm really not convinced. 394 00:15:19,795 --> 00:15:23,215 Well, if you like, I could walk you through my foreign policy ideas. 395 00:15:23,298 --> 00:15:25,092 - Mmm. - You familiar with 396 00:15:25,175 --> 00:15:26,176 "peace through strength"? 397 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:29,137 Oh. Keep talking like Reagan, I'll work it like Nancy. 398 00:15:38,522 --> 00:15:39,981 - Congressman. - Governor. 399 00:15:40,065 --> 00:15:41,983 - (Car door closes) - (Car alarm chirps) 400 00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:45,153 - Were you followed? - I don't know. 401 00:15:45,862 --> 00:15:47,447 So, what would you offer me 402 00:15:47,531 --> 00:15:51,284 as far as a cabinet position in exchange for my endorsement? 403 00:15:51,576 --> 00:15:52,577 Vvhoops! 404 00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:56,248 I guess we got ourselves a gift of the magi situation here. 405 00:15:56,331 --> 00:15:58,625 I was gonna ask you for the same thing. 406 00:15:58,708 --> 00:15:59,748 Wait, you're dropping out? 407 00:15:59,793 --> 00:16:02,045 Maybe. Maybe not. 408 00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:04,422 But I was gonna ask you for secretary of interior. 409 00:16:04,506 --> 00:16:06,706 Were you gonna ask for interior and then settle for hud? 410 00:16:07,551 --> 00:16:10,095 Dang it. So busted. 411 00:16:11,847 --> 00:16:12,889 Hey, is that Amy? 412 00:16:12,973 --> 00:16:14,599 Jonah: Oh, she said to say no. 413 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:17,602 Amy: Get in the car. 414 00:16:17,686 --> 00:16:19,062 No, yeah, that's definitely Amy. 415 00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:20,522 Oh. All right. 416 00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:22,365 - See you later, man. Yeah. - Good luck, bro. 417 00:16:23,108 --> 00:16:25,277 Selina: Oh. Morning, boys. Men: Morning, ma'am. 418 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,338 Our good friend Tom James just called a press conference. 419 00:16:27,362 --> 00:16:28,947 Selina: Oh, has he now? Kent: Yes. 420 00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:30,574 Wow. I need fruit. 421 00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,200 - On it. - Gary: On it. I'm on it. 422 00:16:32,284 --> 00:16:33,285 - Ben: Ma'am? - Yeah? 423 00:16:33,368 --> 00:16:35,162 Please tell me you didn't promise him state? 424 00:16:35,245 --> 00:16:37,706 There is no way I would appoint anyone competent 425 00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:38,915 to anything in my cabinet. 426 00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:42,294 Morning. Thank you for coming. Hope I can... 427 00:16:42,377 --> 00:16:44,045 Cloudberries are organic and Icelandic. 428 00:16:44,129 --> 00:16:45,130 How lovely. 429 00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:49,259 I have decided to suspend my campaign for president of the United States. 430 00:16:49,342 --> 00:16:52,053 - Oh, no. Tom, say it ain't so. - (All groan) 431 00:16:52,137 --> 00:16:53,197 - Reporter: Senator James. - Yeah. 432 00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:56,141 Will you be making an endorsement? 433 00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:59,769 I 'd like to give my strongest and most full-throated support 434 00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:03,315 to the person who has proven time and time again 435 00:17:03,398 --> 00:17:04,482 to be a born leader. 436 00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:06,902 I wonder who that could be. 437 00:17:06,985 --> 00:17:08,612 I don't know who that is. 438 00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:12,657 But unfortunately that candidate has not yet emerged 439 00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:15,660 and shows no sign of doing so. 440 00:17:15,744 --> 00:17:17,662 - Selina: Huh? - These are early days. 441 00:17:17,746 --> 00:17:20,081 There's a lot of moving pieces, 442 00:17:20,165 --> 00:17:22,709 - but I will not be endorsing just yet. - No, no, no, no. What? 443 00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:25,396 - Thank you, and god bless america. - He just fucked me right in the ass! 444 00:17:25,420 --> 00:17:26,963 Son of a bitch wouldn't endorse you. 445 00:17:27,047 --> 00:17:28,089 That, too! 446 00:17:28,173 --> 00:17:30,151 Ma'am, it's time to just give up on south Carolina. 447 00:17:30,175 --> 00:17:32,594 - No, no! Move, move! - (Groans) 448 00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:37,098 Are you kidding me? We can't let kemi get a foothold in south Carolina. 449 00:17:37,182 --> 00:17:38,558 Think! 450 00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:44,147 Oh. I'll... you call Dr. Thomas and you tell him, yeah, 451 00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:46,066 I'll speak before his congregation tomorrow. 452 00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:47,901 Ma'am, we need white voters. 453 00:17:47,984 --> 00:17:49,462 - I mean, that's not gonna work. - Selina: Yeah. 454 00:17:49,486 --> 00:17:51,821 It will if I give a speech in support 455 00:17:51,905 --> 00:17:54,866 of local law enforcement and that cop who killed 456 00:17:54,950 --> 00:17:57,118 that kid who threatened him with the candy bar! 457 00:17:57,202 --> 00:18:00,997 Okay, so you wanna blow a dog whistle in a black church? 458 00:18:01,081 --> 00:18:02,874 I mean, that's like blowing a rape whistle 459 00:18:02,958 --> 00:18:04,018 while you're raping somebody. 460 00:18:04,042 --> 00:18:06,253 - (Softly) Exactly. - Speak truth to powerless. 461 00:18:06,336 --> 00:18:08,129 I like that very much. Write that down, Leon. 462 00:18:08,213 --> 00:18:09,714 - I will do that. - Here's the fruit. 463 00:18:09,798 --> 00:18:12,884 Honeydew? If I wanna pretend to be in the CNN green room, 464 00:18:12,968 --> 00:18:16,596 I'll draw a face on Ben's ass and call that Christiane amanpour. 465 00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:20,892 Jonah-lah! What's this meshugas about you dropping out of the race? 466 00:18:20,976 --> 00:18:22,769 That can't happen. Chicken? 467 00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:24,622 Mr. Tanz, they say that I have no chance of winning. 468 00:18:24,646 --> 00:18:26,147 Who said anything about winning? 469 00:18:26,231 --> 00:18:28,000 You. I thought you said I was gonna be president. 470 00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:29,609 No, you did. 471 00:18:29,693 --> 00:18:32,237 Made me chuckle every time. I never thought you could win. 472 00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,960 Well, then why the fuck am I running, sir? 473 00:18:33,989 --> 00:18:35,282 As terribly as you're doing, 474 00:18:35,365 --> 00:18:36,950 you're still winning delegates. 475 00:18:37,033 --> 00:18:38,994 Mostly crazy cuckoos, 476 00:18:39,077 --> 00:18:41,788 but you multiply that by 50 states, 477 00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,790 I can force the party to make some tweaks 478 00:18:43,873 --> 00:18:45,583 to the platform at the convention. 479 00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:48,420 Stricter marijuana laws! Ta-da! 480 00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:50,338 I need potheads in my prisons. 481 00:18:50,422 --> 00:18:52,590 Otherwise it's just murderers and rapists. 482 00:18:52,674 --> 00:18:55,302 It makes for a very unpleasant atmosphere. 483 00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:56,720 I wish I'd aborted myself. 484 00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:58,883 Wait, so no one's really trying to make me president? 485 00:18:59,889 --> 00:19:01,617 Wait, so this is all just to keep the chronic illegal? 486 00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:05,729 Now he gets it! Plus, I need more casino licenses for Macau. 487 00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:07,272 I know it sounds a little specific, 488 00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:09,524 but in the end it'll benefit all Americans. 489 00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:11,318 Toodle-oo! 490 00:19:11,943 --> 00:19:13,653 Jordan: President selina meyer. 491 00:19:13,737 --> 00:19:15,363 - Hello, reverend. - Good for you, girl. 492 00:19:15,447 --> 00:19:16,656 I can't believe you did this. 493 00:19:16,740 --> 00:19:18,033 - Yeah. - You don't quit. 494 00:19:18,116 --> 00:19:20,035 - No, I don't. - Oh, I like that. 495 00:19:20,118 --> 00:19:21,453 - Do you? Okay. Good. - I do. 496 00:19:21,536 --> 00:19:23,705 - And I love that little hat. - Thank you. 497 00:19:23,788 --> 00:19:25,766 Yeah, this whole congregation's gonna love that little hat. 498 00:19:25,790 --> 00:19:27,167 (Chuckles) 499 00:19:28,376 --> 00:19:30,295 Oh, god, I think he has a crush on me. 500 00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:31,671 - Yeah. - He does not, ma'am. 501 00:19:31,755 --> 00:19:32,922 Oh, come on. 502 00:19:33,006 --> 00:19:35,008 I appreciate your honesty, Marjorie. 503 00:19:35,091 --> 00:19:37,344 - Okay. - I mean, not that it matters. 504 00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:41,097 He certainly isn't gonna after I read this manifesto. 505 00:19:41,181 --> 00:19:42,575 Permission to roll your breasts, ma'am? 506 00:19:42,599 --> 00:19:43,725 Oh, granted. 507 00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:47,413 Jordan: Good morning, everybody. 508 00:19:47,437 --> 00:19:48,730 Crowd: Good morning. 509 00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,899 Uh, we have a special guest today. 510 00:19:50,982 --> 00:19:54,486 I'm pretty sure that you can imagine 511 00:19:54,569 --> 00:19:58,239 that I'm a firm supporter of the separation of church and state. 512 00:19:58,573 --> 00:20:01,743 - (Crowd agreeing) - Because this is the lord's house. 513 00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:03,161 Not the white house. 514 00:20:03,244 --> 00:20:05,455 But soon to be the "black house." 515 00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:06,873 (Crowd cheering) 516 00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:11,461 Brothers and sisters, please welcome president selina meyer. 517 00:20:12,670 --> 00:20:14,756 - Thank you. Thank you, reverend. - Mmm-hmm. 518 00:20:15,340 --> 00:20:17,592 - Good morning. - Crowd: Good morning. 519 00:20:17,675 --> 00:20:23,390 I don't need to tell you that church is a special place. 520 00:20:23,473 --> 00:20:24,533 - Jordan: That's right. - (Crowd agreeing) 521 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:27,811 But it's also a place for truth, isn't it? 522 00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,854 That's right. That's right. 523 00:20:29,938 --> 00:20:33,775 And what happened recently in your community 524 00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:37,112 to that young boy is very sad. 525 00:20:37,237 --> 00:20:38,655 (Crowd agreeing) 526 00:20:38,738 --> 00:20:41,449 But here's the hard truth. 527 00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:46,413 There are many victims here. 528 00:20:46,496 --> 00:20:49,666 And you might not wanna hear this. 529 00:20:53,044 --> 00:20:57,215 But the real victims are the police... 530 00:20:57,424 --> 00:20:59,050 (Crowd murmuring) 531 00:20:59,134 --> 00:21:00,343 Man: Uh-huh. 532 00:21:01,344 --> 00:21:02,470 . Ing. Ii 533 00:21:02,554 --> 00:21:08,226 policing that america does in the south China sea. 534 00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:09,936 That's right. I went there. 535 00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:13,565 It is time for america to recognize 536 00:21:13,648 --> 00:21:17,193 Chinese sovereignty over the diaoyu islands 537 00:21:17,277 --> 00:21:20,989 and the disputed mineral rights of the surrounding seabed. 538 00:21:21,072 --> 00:21:22,574 Can I get an amen? 539 00:21:22,657 --> 00:21:24,993 - What? - Amen. 540 00:21:25,076 --> 00:21:27,162 Hello, everyone. I'm Mike mclintock, 541 00:21:27,245 --> 00:21:31,040 and mc-welcome to the first episode of mclintock... I mean "talk." 542 00:21:31,124 --> 00:21:33,084 Today I have a buzzfeed exclusive. 543 00:21:33,168 --> 00:21:34,961 We are getting the first national interview 544 00:21:35,044 --> 00:21:37,046 with lurlene, Iowa's dog mayor, 545 00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:39,924 who it turns out is not a dog, but a human. 546 00:21:40,008 --> 00:21:41,759 Mayor Richard splett, are you there? 547 00:21:41,843 --> 00:21:44,304 Hi, Mike. Big fan of the show. 548 00:21:44,387 --> 00:21:47,015 Mayor splett, how does it feel to be the hero of 7-Eleven? 549 00:21:47,098 --> 00:21:48,141 Oh, I'm no hero. 550 00:21:48,224 --> 00:21:49,726 I'm just a mayor who now, 551 00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,769 temporarily, has a slurpee machine in his office. 552 00:21:51,853 --> 00:21:53,146 - Well... - I need my iPad. 553 00:21:53,229 --> 00:21:55,023 (Sighs) Mayor splett, did you realize 554 00:21:55,106 --> 00:21:56,983 what you were doing was so courageous? 555 00:21:57,066 --> 00:21:59,402 - Oh, good question. - Thank you. It's actually Wendy's. 556 00:21:59,486 --> 00:22:02,030 I guess I just did what anybody would do if they were there. 557 00:22:02,113 --> 00:22:03,924 Except the people who were there and didn't do anything. 558 00:22:03,948 --> 00:22:05,033 You heard it here first. 559 00:22:05,116 --> 00:22:09,537 Stick around for more mclintock with Mike mclin-talk. 560 00:22:10,205 --> 00:22:12,123 Keith: Spare a nanosecond for first mate Quinn? 561 00:22:12,207 --> 00:22:13,374 What do you want, Keith? 562 00:22:15,793 --> 00:22:17,337 - (Door closes) - Wow. Okay. 563 00:22:18,213 --> 00:22:20,465 (Speaking mandarin) 564 00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:23,593 Uh, is that mandarin? 565 00:22:23,676 --> 00:22:24,719 Yes, it was. 566 00:22:24,802 --> 00:22:27,472 I happen to consult for a number of very large clients in Asia 567 00:22:27,555 --> 00:22:30,850 who have a strong interest in sino-American relations, 568 00:22:30,934 --> 00:22:34,771 and they were very, very impressed and delighted by your sermon. 569 00:22:34,854 --> 00:22:36,832 (Chuckles) I don't know what you're talking about... 570 00:22:36,856 --> 00:22:38,691 I would say that we're well past the point 571 00:22:38,775 --> 00:22:40,401 of plausible deniability at this point. 572 00:22:40,485 --> 00:22:43,821 I... you know, I haven't committed to anything... 573 00:22:43,905 --> 00:22:45,698 - Well, actually... - Hi, ma'am. 574 00:22:45,782 --> 00:22:47,092 - Yeah? - Can I share the news with you? 575 00:22:47,116 --> 00:22:48,344 - What? - Kent: You need to hear this. 576 00:22:48,368 --> 00:22:52,205 Look. Faith-based initiative just raised $25 million. 577 00:22:52,288 --> 00:22:53,957 Wow. Way to go, buddy! 578 00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:56,000 - All of a sudden, out of nowhere! - Selina: What? 579 00:22:56,042 --> 00:22:57,919 - Gary: Anonymously. - Um... wow. 580 00:22:58,002 --> 00:22:59,546 Okay, I'll get out of you hair, ma'am. 581 00:22:59,629 --> 00:23:00,922 Okay. 582 00:23:01,005 --> 00:23:02,715 It must've been the video I made, right? 583 00:23:02,799 --> 00:23:04,551 Well, ican't think of any other reason. 584 00:23:04,634 --> 00:23:06,803 Well, let's be honest. God had a lotto do with it, too. 585 00:23:06,886 --> 00:23:08,888 - Oh, sure! Yeah. - It's a miracle. 586 00:23:08,972 --> 00:23:11,349 Let's go spend $25 million on some racist robo-calls. 587 00:23:11,432 --> 00:23:12,672 - Ben: Praise the lord. - Right? 588 00:23:13,142 --> 00:23:14,394 Jonah: Thank you. 589 00:23:16,521 --> 00:23:19,065 You know who else thinks that I don't have the intelligence 590 00:23:19,148 --> 00:23:21,484 or the tentrament to be president? 591 00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:24,112 My very own campaign staff. 592 00:23:24,571 --> 00:23:25,822 - (All gasp) - That's right. 593 00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:27,740 They have been trying to stop me 594 00:23:27,824 --> 00:23:29,134 - from becoming president. - (All booing) 595 00:23:29,158 --> 00:23:31,202 Yeah, no... yeah, boo! Let 'em have it. 596 00:23:31,286 --> 00:23:34,455 That is my campaign chair, Amy brookheimer. 597 00:23:34,539 --> 00:23:37,041 She recently had an abortion. 598 00:23:37,125 --> 00:23:39,669 And that is my chief strategist, Teddy Sykes, 599 00:23:39,752 --> 00:23:43,381 and he is an overgrown midget who had to be chemically castrated. 600 00:23:43,464 --> 00:23:45,675 And that guy right there, 601 00:23:45,758 --> 00:23:46,926 that's Eric something. 602 00:23:47,010 --> 00:23:48,177 Bill ericsson. 603 00:23:48,261 --> 00:23:49,846 That's Eric bill ericsson, 604 00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:52,265 and he thinks he's better than everybody else in this room. 605 00:23:52,348 --> 00:23:53,349 (All booing) 606 00:23:53,433 --> 00:23:54,493 I've never seen anything like this. 607 00:23:54,517 --> 00:23:59,022 He's actually running against his own campaign. Macau, here we come. 608 00:23:59,105 --> 00:24:02,525 And one more thing. I just found out from my stupid stepfather that... 609 00:24:02,609 --> 00:24:03,735 Teddy: Father-in-law! 610 00:24:03,818 --> 00:24:05,653 From my stupid stepfather-in-law 611 00:24:05,737 --> 00:24:09,198 that math was created by muslims. 612 00:24:10,617 --> 00:24:14,871 Yeah. And we teach this islamic math to children. 613 00:24:14,954 --> 00:24:18,291 Math teachers are terrorists. 614 00:24:18,374 --> 00:24:19,626 (All gasping) 615 00:24:19,709 --> 00:24:21,502 - I love this. - Okay. That's it. 616 00:24:21,586 --> 00:24:22,986 I may be a registered sex offender, 617 00:24:23,046 --> 00:24:24,297 but I cannot be a part of this. 618 00:24:24,380 --> 00:24:25,381 I'm gone. 619 00:24:25,465 --> 00:24:28,384 Algebra? More like al jazeera. 620 00:24:28,468 --> 00:24:32,847 Under a Ryan presidency, I will ban this sharia math 621 00:24:32,930 --> 00:24:35,600 from being taught to American children. 622 00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:37,620 - Amy, are you coming? - There will be no more math. 623 00:24:37,644 --> 00:24:38,645 One sec. 624 00:24:38,728 --> 00:24:42,982 (All chanting) No more math! No more math! No more math! 625 00:24:43,066 --> 00:24:44,108 No more math! 626 00:24:44,192 --> 00:24:46,611 God fuck america. 627 00:24:46,694 --> 00:24:49,989 (All chanting) No more math! No more math! 628 00:24:50,073 --> 00:24:52,825 - No more math! No more math! - (Groans) 629 00:24:52,909 --> 00:24:54,827 No more math! 630 00:24:54,911 --> 00:24:58,164 No... are you... She's fine. She's fine. 631 00:24:59,707 --> 00:25:00,768 Well, I'll tell you one thing. 632 00:25:00,792 --> 00:25:02,210 If we lose, it certainly won't be 633 00:25:02,293 --> 00:25:04,962 for lack of touching people in a Denny's. 634 00:25:05,046 --> 00:25:07,882 - All right. So, how's the turnout? - Ben: Like my prostate. 635 00:25:07,965 --> 00:25:09,685 Mostly black and much larger than we'd like. 636 00:25:09,717 --> 00:25:10,718 Oh, shit. 637 00:25:10,802 --> 00:25:13,680 We're seeing unprecedented levels of African-American voter engagement. 638 00:25:13,763 --> 00:25:17,225 All right. Well, that's terrible, but also inspiring. 639 00:25:17,308 --> 00:25:19,560 Welcome to mclintock embedded. 640 00:25:19,644 --> 00:25:20,704 - Oh. We're live. - Madam president, 641 00:25:20,728 --> 00:25:22,414 would you like to say something to our viewers? 642 00:25:22,438 --> 00:25:24,758 - Sure, if you haven't voted, please... - (Phone vibrating) 643 00:25:24,816 --> 00:25:27,568 Oh, sorry. I'm getting a call. I apologize, it's Wendy. 644 00:25:28,778 --> 00:25:30,780 Hey. No, now is a good time. 645 00:25:30,863 --> 00:25:33,074 - What's up? - Can't buy that kind of press. 646 00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:34,909 - I'm sorry. - I need to talk to you. 647 00:25:34,992 --> 00:25:35,993 Sparkling water, ma'am? 648 00:25:36,077 --> 00:25:37,203 Yes. Oh, perfect. 649 00:25:38,538 --> 00:25:40,123 Close the door. 650 00:25:40,206 --> 00:25:46,129 Okay. Ben, I sold my soul to the Chinese for a lousy $25 million. 651 00:25:46,212 --> 00:25:47,588 Ma'am, lwarned you. 652 00:25:47,672 --> 00:25:49,132 You cannot trust the Chinese. 653 00:25:49,215 --> 00:25:51,092 I married enough of them to know that. 654 00:25:51,175 --> 00:25:52,343 Wait, isn't your wife Korean? 655 00:25:52,427 --> 00:25:54,512 Maybe. Fog of war. 656 00:25:54,595 --> 00:25:55,638 (Knock on door) 657 00:25:55,763 --> 00:25:57,265 Ma'am. You wanna see this. 658 00:25:57,348 --> 00:25:58,349 Something's happening. 659 00:25:58,433 --> 00:25:59,827 Reporter: (On TV) Poll watchers are reporting 660 00:25:59,851 --> 00:26:03,521 that over 48, 000 black voters were turned away 661 00:26:03,604 --> 00:26:05,898 because their middle initials on the voter rolls 662 00:26:05,982 --> 00:26:08,109 did not match their identification. 663 00:26:08,192 --> 00:26:09,992 Selina: Wait, what? Dan: Yeah, listen to this. 664 00:26:10,069 --> 00:26:11,904 "Widespread power outages across the state, 665 00:26:11,988 --> 00:26:13,740 "and police are urging residents 666 00:26:13,823 --> 00:26:15,300 "to stay at home for their own safety." 667 00:26:15,324 --> 00:26:16,909 "The outages seem to be occurring 668 00:26:16,993 --> 00:26:19,370 "primarily in African American neighborhoods." 669 00:26:19,454 --> 00:26:20,621 It's a total blackout. 670 00:26:20,705 --> 00:26:22,457 - Okay, Ben! - Mike: Oh, ma'am, big news. 671 00:26:22,540 --> 00:26:23,916 - Wendyjust got a call. - What? 672 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:25,710 We're gonna adopt another baby from China! 673 00:26:25,793 --> 00:26:27,604 You know, I think it's that secret message that I... 674 00:26:27,628 --> 00:26:29,255 No, no! (Mumbles) 675 00:26:30,131 --> 00:26:31,883 - Move! - Okay, okay! 676 00:26:31,966 --> 00:26:33,126 Man: We got three hours left. 677 00:26:33,176 --> 00:26:34,653 I'll call the precinct captains right now. 678 00:26:34,677 --> 00:26:36,512 Man: We can turn this! 679 00:26:37,847 --> 00:26:40,183 I think the Chinese just delivered. 680 00:26:40,516 --> 00:26:41,559 And? 681 00:26:44,729 --> 00:26:47,982 Thank you, south Carolina! 682 00:26:48,858 --> 00:26:53,988 We had an amazing turnout on our side. 683 00:26:55,573 --> 00:26:56,824 Yeah! 684 00:26:57,825 --> 00:27:00,495 And you know how I like to celebrate when I win? 685 00:27:00,578 --> 00:27:01,579 Crowd: How? 686 00:27:01,662 --> 00:27:04,165 By winning some more! 687 00:27:04,248 --> 00:27:05,249 Dan: Balloons. 688 00:27:05,333 --> 00:27:07,043 (Music playing) 689 00:27:16,677 --> 00:27:18,638 (Inaudible) 690 00:27:20,681 --> 00:27:23,267 From now on, I do what I want, 691 00:27:23,351 --> 00:27:26,604 I take what I want, whenever I want it. 692 00:27:27,688 --> 00:27:29,398 "New selina now." 693 00:27:29,482 --> 00:27:30,942 Let's watch my victory speech again. 694 00:27:31,025 --> 00:27:32,318 - Yeah. Uh... - Yeah. 695 00:27:34,195 --> 00:27:35,988 I don't have the remote. 696 00:27:36,072 --> 00:27:38,658 Oh, it's on the table by the chair. 697 00:27:40,451 --> 00:27:41,911 So go get it. 698 00:27:48,251 --> 00:27:50,419 - Good morning, ma'am. - Good morning. 699 00:27:50,503 --> 00:27:52,338 Hey, Marjorie, look at my eyes. 700 00:27:52,421 --> 00:27:54,257 Tell me straight. Do they look okay to you? 701 00:27:54,340 --> 00:27:55,716 They look very puffy, ma'am. 702 00:27:55,842 --> 00:27:57,426 - (Scoffs) - Gary: (Stuttering) Hey. 703 00:27:57,510 --> 00:27:59,112 Hey, good morning. Morning, ma'am. Marjorie. 704 00:27:59,136 --> 00:28:00,429 - Morning. - Gary. 705 00:28:00,513 --> 00:28:02,014 - Hey, Gary? - Yeah. 706 00:28:02,098 --> 00:28:03,349 Do my eyes look puffy to you? 707 00:28:03,975 --> 00:28:05,810 I'm surprised they let you run for president, 708 00:28:05,893 --> 00:28:07,895 because you look 34, tops. 709 00:28:08,896 --> 00:28:09,939 Yeah. 710 00:28:10,940 --> 00:28:12,376 - Marjorie, you're out. - (Chuckles softly) 711 00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:14,110 And you're back in. 712 00:28:14,193 --> 00:28:16,255 Okay? You just go back to whatever you were doing before. 713 00:28:16,279 --> 00:28:18,006 - Finance chair. - All right, well, whatever. 714 00:28:18,030 --> 00:28:19,842 So who's in charge of the faith-based outreach now? 715 00:28:19,866 --> 00:28:21,200 - Not it. - You are. 716 00:28:21,284 --> 00:28:22,678 - Oh, I am? Oh, okay. - Yeah, yeah. You still are. 717 00:28:22,702 --> 00:28:24,579 And Keith Quinn'll help you out too, I think. 718 00:28:24,662 --> 00:28:27,540 Yes, there you go. So, your name will be all over it. 719 00:28:27,623 --> 00:28:29,625 Like Jodie foster in John hinckley's diary. 720 00:28:29,709 --> 00:28:31,589 - Oh, my god. I'm obsessed with her. - Let's go. 721 00:28:33,713 --> 00:28:36,757 Congratulations, Gary. The better woman won. 722 00:28:36,841 --> 00:28:37,842 I'll take that. 723 00:28:39,093 --> 00:28:40,845 Thank you. 724 00:28:40,928 --> 00:28:42,263 I moved some things around. 725 00:28:42,346 --> 00:28:44,348 Oh, did you? (Chuckles) 726 00:28:44,724 --> 00:28:46,559 - Wow. It looks better. - Mmm-hmm. 727 00:28:46,642 --> 00:28:48,561 The tampons are vertical, that's brilliant... 728 00:28:48,644 --> 00:28:50,187 - Selina: Gary? - Yep? 729 00:28:50,271 --> 00:28:52,815 Shouldn't you be pre-chewing my mother's food for her? 730 00:28:52,899 --> 00:28:54,567 I told her her eyes looked puffy. 731 00:28:54,692 --> 00:28:55,776 (Gasps) 732 00:28:55,860 --> 00:28:57,069 Thank you, chipmunk. 733 00:28:57,153 --> 00:28:58,446 You're welcome, Catherine. 734 00:29:00,573 --> 00:29:02,175 Keith: Hey-o, Dan-o! You busting out of here? 735 00:29:02,199 --> 00:29:04,201 Yeah, yeah. Oh, I need an itinerary. 736 00:29:04,285 --> 00:29:07,496 Itineraries are only for people who work on the campaign. 737 00:29:07,580 --> 00:29:08,998 And? 738 00:29:11,834 --> 00:29:13,127 Wait, I'm fired? 739 00:29:14,170 --> 00:29:15,504 Per fucking who? 740 00:29:15,588 --> 00:29:16,589 Per selina. 741 00:29:16,672 --> 00:29:17,673 I believe her words were, 742 00:29:17,757 --> 00:29:19,550 "if I need another Washington douche, 743 00:29:19,634 --> 00:29:21,344 "I'll go to the m street rite aid." 744 00:29:21,427 --> 00:29:23,679 You should flip through your nda. 745 00:29:23,763 --> 00:29:26,807 If you breathe a word of anything, to anyone, 746 00:29:26,891 --> 00:29:28,017 we'll slit your throat. 747 00:29:29,435 --> 00:29:30,811 Later, gator! 748 00:29:35,524 --> 00:29:37,818 Congressman Ryan placed a distant third last night. 749 00:29:37,902 --> 00:29:39,212 Where does the campaign go from here? 750 00:29:39,236 --> 00:29:42,365 Third place was a massive win for us. 751 00:29:42,448 --> 00:29:45,284 Selina meyer and kemi Talbot can feel Jonah Ryan 752 00:29:45,368 --> 00:29:46,619 breathing down their necks. 753 00:29:46,702 --> 00:29:49,288 Jonah Ryan said he's been lying to everyone the whole time. 754 00:29:49,372 --> 00:29:50,748 Why should anyone trust him now? 755 00:29:50,831 --> 00:29:53,292 Frankly, Jonah Ryan is the only candidate 756 00:29:53,376 --> 00:29:55,795 who's honest about his dishonesty. 757 00:29:55,878 --> 00:30:00,174 And that is why Jonah Ryan is the next president of the United States. 758 00:30:00,257 --> 00:30:02,718 Speaking as someone who's covered politics for 20 years, 759 00:30:02,802 --> 00:30:04,804 - Jonah Ryan terrifies me. - That's your opinion. 760 00:30:04,887 --> 00:30:07,014 I find his mindless, toxic fear-mongering 761 00:30:07,098 --> 00:30:10,351 a dangerous addition to our already divisive political climate. 762 00:30:10,434 --> 00:30:11,435 Again, your opinion. 763 00:30:11,519 --> 00:30:13,020 Tomorrow morning, we will be live 764 00:30:13,104 --> 00:30:15,398 with exclusive coverage of congressman Ryan's rally 765 00:30:15,481 --> 00:30:18,275 in youngstown, Ohio, only on CNN.