1 00:00:06,007 --> 00:00:08,259 Crowd: Kemi! Kemi! Kemi! 2 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,595 As a woman, and a woman of color, 3 00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:13,806 I know these struggles firsthand. 4 00:00:13,890 --> 00:00:15,933 - Whose time is it? - Crowd: Our time! 5 00:00:16,017 --> 00:00:18,144 - When is our time? - C rowd: Now! 6 00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:20,855 And now let me hear you! Whose time is it? 7 00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:24,984 It sounds like Dr. Seuss fucked Maya angelou in the yuzz-ma-tuzz 8 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:27,612 and then filled her all up with snoozin-scuzz. 9 00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:29,947 How is this possibly even working for her? 10 00:00:30,031 --> 00:00:32,617 Socio-politically, protest chants have proved 11 00:00:32,700 --> 00:00:34,052 - an effective method... - Okay, off. 12 00:00:34,076 --> 00:00:35,494 Kemi's crowds are huge. 13 00:00:35,578 --> 00:00:36,913 You know what else is huge, Amy? 14 00:00:36,996 --> 00:00:38,515 - Not even really showing. - Leon: Mmm. 15 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:39,832 You look beautiful. 16 00:00:39,916 --> 00:00:41,834 And how about the 24-hours-a-day 17 00:00:41,918 --> 00:00:43,794 free media coverage that she's getting? 18 00:00:43,878 --> 00:00:45,504 - Yep. - Msnbc has something on you. 19 00:00:45,588 --> 00:00:47,298 Put it on this i-thing. 20 00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:48,942 Reporter: Campaign showing signs of trouble. 21 00:00:48,966 --> 00:00:50,652 - Selina: Oh, Christ. - Andrew meyer, husband 22 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,396 - of president selina meyer... - Ex-husband! 23 00:00:52,470 --> 00:00:53,572 Okay. Everything looks great. 24 00:00:53,596 --> 00:00:54,698 - Ready when you are. - Selina: I know. 25 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,158 Dan: Let's go, ma'am. They're all waiting for ya. 26 00:00:56,182 --> 00:00:57,683 Selina: Here we go. 27 00:00:57,767 --> 00:01:00,061 Hello! 28 00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:06,359 - What? - No, this is great. This is great. 29 00:01:06,442 --> 00:01:10,196 Okay! University of Iowa! 30 00:01:11,489 --> 00:01:12,740 People come up to me, 31 00:01:12,823 --> 00:01:16,452 they say, "why do you want to be president?" 32 00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:18,055 And / say, 33 00:01:18,079 --> 00:01:21,415 "it's time to finish the unfinished business 34 00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:23,501 "of four years ago!" 35 00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:26,295 Say it with me, "time to finish 36 00:01:26,379 --> 00:01:29,131 - "the unfinished business!" - Crowd: "Of four years ago." 37 00:01:29,215 --> 00:01:30,633 Without the "four years ago." 38 00:01:30,716 --> 00:01:34,220 Okay. Iowa! What do we want? 39 00:01:34,303 --> 00:01:35,906 Crowd: "Time to finish the unfinished business..." 40 00:01:35,930 --> 00:01:39,684 No... not... "New selina now"! 41 00:01:39,767 --> 00:01:42,853 - What do we want? - When I say "shit," you say "show." 42 00:01:42,937 --> 00:01:44,855 Of four years ago. 43 00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:50,403 Selina: I was so far ahead. 44 00:01:50,486 --> 00:01:53,322 How are you losing Iowa? 45 00:01:53,406 --> 00:01:55,533 And did you see the new cover of time magazine? 46 00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:56,659 Yes. Are angels real? 47 00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:58,494 Ben: "Kemi fever." Three exclamation points. 48 00:01:58,577 --> 00:01:59,578 It's a pandemic. 49 00:01:59,662 --> 00:02:01,580 Somebody sneezed on our campaign, 50 00:02:01,664 --> 00:02:03,374 now we're bleeding out our assholes. 51 00:02:03,457 --> 00:02:05,084 - Hi, guys! - Man: Morning. 52 00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:06,645 Kent: Ma'am, we're scrapping tomorrow's schedule. 53 00:02:06,669 --> 00:02:07,670 Selina: What? 54 00:02:07,753 --> 00:02:09,606 Kent: You're making an appearance at the Waterloo county fair. 55 00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,173 Ben: Block and tackle retail politics. 56 00:02:11,257 --> 00:02:13,509 - Gary: Ugh, retail. - Ben: Eat a few corn dogs... 57 00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:15,761 Last thing I need is my picture being taken 58 00:02:15,845 --> 00:02:17,346 eating dick-shaped food. 59 00:02:17,430 --> 00:02:19,181 I'd rather eat a food-shaped dick. 60 00:02:19,265 --> 00:02:22,351 Okay, folks. Where is Keith Quinn? 61 00:02:22,435 --> 00:02:23,912 I have the New York times interviewing him 62 00:02:23,936 --> 00:02:24,997 about running the campaign. 63 00:02:25,021 --> 00:02:26,861 Maybe somebody should be interviewing the times 64 00:02:26,897 --> 00:02:29,191 about why they write so much about modern dance. 65 00:02:29,275 --> 00:02:31,193 Thirty-six hours in snoozeville. 66 00:02:31,277 --> 00:02:32,778 - That was my major. - Selina: Okay. 67 00:02:32,862 --> 00:02:36,282 How are we going to ru486 kemi's campaign? 68 00:02:36,365 --> 00:02:37,366 No offense, Amy. 69 00:02:37,450 --> 00:02:39,170 Catherine: Mom, do you have to act that way? 70 00:02:39,243 --> 00:02:41,495 I mean, kemi is super impressive. 71 00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:43,205 And I'm not gonna lie, ma'am, 72 00:02:43,289 --> 00:02:45,249 - very much my type. - You're kidding. 73 00:02:45,333 --> 00:02:47,168 Clearly, I have a thing for strong women. 74 00:02:47,251 --> 00:02:48,520 - What's happening? - Selina: Strong women. 75 00:02:48,544 --> 00:02:51,380 My god, pick a Lane. Jesus. 76 00:02:51,464 --> 00:02:53,317 Ma'am, kemi just picked up two senators and a union. 77 00:02:53,341 --> 00:02:55,176 A good union or teachers? 78 00:02:55,259 --> 00:02:56,802 Local 74. Iowa asbestos workers. 79 00:02:56,886 --> 00:02:59,013 Kent: There you go. 80 00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:02,183 Actually, my uncle was a shop steward in the 7-4. Asbestos killed him. 81 00:03:02,266 --> 00:03:03,642 - On, no! - I'm sorry, Richard. 82 00:03:03,726 --> 00:03:05,162 Asbestos was the name of their pit bull. 83 00:03:05,186 --> 00:03:07,271 It was a rescue that killed its first owner. 84 00:03:07,355 --> 00:03:08,749 That's why you have to go to breeders. 85 00:03:08,773 --> 00:03:10,900 Ben: Okay. Order, order. First item, debate prep. 86 00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:13,110 - Selina: Oh, yes. - That's how we beat kemi. 87 00:03:13,194 --> 00:03:16,364 Fine. Stupid handshakes, opening statement, 88 00:03:16,447 --> 00:03:19,825 uh, thank you to date rape university, 89 00:03:19,909 --> 00:03:21,345 - first question. - Dan: Madam president, 90 00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:23,496 how do you explain the accusations 91 00:03:23,579 --> 00:03:26,058 the meyer fund and your husband Andrew meyer stole millions during... 92 00:03:26,082 --> 00:03:27,762 - No. Andrew meyer is my ex-husband. - Yep. 93 00:03:27,792 --> 00:03:29,752 And I have had virtually no contact 94 00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:31,420 - with him at this point. - Mmm-mmm. 95 00:03:31,504 --> 00:03:34,340 Oh. Okay. Uh, we're gonna take a quick five, guys. 96 00:03:34,423 --> 00:03:36,342 Fantastic. Her achilles cock. 97 00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:39,553 Andrew! I see monnie got a new paintjob. 98 00:03:39,637 --> 00:03:40,930 Monnie and I are still together. 99 00:03:41,013 --> 00:03:42,306 Better than ever, in fact. 100 00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:45,101 No. Felicia is my paralegal. 101 00:03:45,184 --> 00:03:46,727 Oh, god, we're all goin' to jail. 102 00:03:46,811 --> 00:03:48,479 - Wait in the car, okay? - Can you please 103 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:51,774 find me a real green juice somewhere in Iowa? 104 00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:54,276 I'm drinking odwalla like some country lesbian 105 00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:55,520 who just got to the big city. 106 00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:56,654 - Ma'am. - Not yet. 107 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:58,364 So much for debate prep. 108 00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:00,199 Actually, that was our best one yet. 109 00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,118 Hey, ame. Hey, Dan. 110 00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:04,036 Happy abortion Eve. 111 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,288 - Oh, my god! - What? Don't they all know? 112 00:04:07,832 --> 00:04:09,750 Okay, I don't know if I should be sad 113 00:04:09,834 --> 00:04:11,919 - or turned on. - Ooh. 114 00:04:12,002 --> 00:04:14,602 Richard, you're running yourself ragged working on both campaigns. 115 00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:17,633 I'm actually a little embarrassed. I mean, two jobs is no big deal. 116 00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:19,027 In fact, it's the speltt family motto. 117 00:04:19,051 --> 00:04:20,136 Splett. 118 00:04:20,219 --> 00:04:22,054 Speltt. It's my mother's side of the family. 119 00:04:22,138 --> 00:04:23,778 I think you should definitely quit selina. 120 00:04:23,848 --> 00:04:25,141 I would if I could. 121 00:04:25,224 --> 00:04:26,701 Richard: Actually, I tried to quit last week, 122 00:04:26,725 --> 00:04:28,310 and the president gave me a raise. 123 00:04:28,394 --> 00:04:30,288 - Marjorie: So quit Jonah. - He gave me a raise too. 124 00:04:30,312 --> 00:04:32,231 Some people say I'm not fit to be president, 125 00:04:32,314 --> 00:04:34,400 that I'm dangerously unskilled. 126 00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:37,945 But when I debate my fellow candidates in the debate this Saturday, 127 00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:40,281 I'm finally gonna set the record straight. 128 00:04:40,364 --> 00:04:43,534 Because that's when the gloves come off. 129 00:04:45,161 --> 00:04:46,412 Senator James, 130 00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,914 you pledged to bring jobs back to america. 131 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:52,334 President meyer, 132 00:04:52,418 --> 00:04:55,045 you say you're tough on crime, huh? 133 00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:56,982 Then why am I not in prison for punching the president? 134 00:04:57,006 --> 00:04:58,716 - Pretty good, right? - Senator Talbot, 135 00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:00,468 I think your tax plan 136 00:05:00,551 --> 00:05:02,261 is a wack plan. 137 00:05:02,887 --> 00:05:04,138 Psyche. 138 00:05:05,890 --> 00:05:07,183 Undisputed 139 00:05:07,266 --> 00:05:08,851 president of the United States! 140 00:05:08,934 --> 00:05:11,854 I'm Jonah Ryan, and iwanna suck this message's hot clam. 141 00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:13,814 - Me, too! - When do we roll that out? 142 00:05:13,898 --> 00:05:16,775 We don't. You went completely off script! 143 00:05:16,859 --> 00:05:18,110 I ad-iibbed. 144 00:05:18,194 --> 00:05:19,987 Teddy, improv is Jonah's thing. 145 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:21,697 You should have heard his wedding vows. 146 00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:23,449 He did a really funny Chinese voice. 147 00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:25,201 I expressed how horny I was. 148 00:05:25,284 --> 00:05:26,869 Teddy: We focus-tested the ad, 149 00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:28,454 and most people are uncomfortable 150 00:05:28,537 --> 00:05:31,749 watching a white man kick a black woman in the vagina. 151 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:33,834 I don't see vagina color. 152 00:05:33,918 --> 00:05:36,212 Ooh, why don't we just kick president meyer instead? 153 00:05:36,295 --> 00:05:37,735 The debate committee just emailed me 154 00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:39,423 to say that there are so many candidates 155 00:05:39,507 --> 00:05:41,550 they've decided to host two separate debates. 156 00:05:41,634 --> 00:05:44,094 One for candidates polling with at least 5% of the vote, 157 00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:46,472 and another one for those polling with less than 5%. 158 00:05:46,555 --> 00:05:49,517 And, good news... Uh, no, that's bad news. 159 00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,352 I'm at less than 5%? 160 00:05:51,435 --> 00:05:52,603 Richard: In the plus column, 161 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,104 the undercard debate will be first, 162 00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:56,249 which means we have no problem getting out of the parking lot. 163 00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:58,275 Oh, no, that's bad news, too. It's stacked parking. 164 00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:03,531 Andrew, you said there was nothing illegal about the fund. 165 00:06:03,614 --> 00:06:05,574 I thought we both understood I was lying. 166 00:06:05,658 --> 00:06:07,576 You do know I'm running for president, right? 167 00:06:07,660 --> 00:06:09,161 Madam p! Got a moment? 168 00:06:09,245 --> 00:06:10,454 Can you fuck off? 169 00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:12,081 Can do, skipper. 170 00:06:12,164 --> 00:06:13,541 - Okay. - Andrew: Lee, 171 00:06:13,624 --> 00:06:15,167 do you happen to know if Marjorie 172 00:06:15,251 --> 00:06:18,254 has the complete ledgers to all the meyer fund accounts? 173 00:06:18,337 --> 00:06:20,798 Yes. I'm sure that she does. 174 00:06:21,924 --> 00:06:23,050 That's too bad. 175 00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:26,929 I think I'm gonna pop by her office and see if it's locked. 176 00:06:27,012 --> 00:06:29,056 For once will you tell me the truth? 177 00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:30,724 How much money did you steal? 178 00:06:30,808 --> 00:06:33,036 Technically it was you that stole the money from the fund 179 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,895 because I signed your name on some documents. 180 00:06:34,979 --> 00:06:35,980 Oh, my god. 181 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,773 Don't worry, Lee. I'll keep you out of it. 182 00:06:37,856 --> 00:06:39,736 Yeah. "Don't worry, Lee. You won't get pregnant. 183 00:06:39,817 --> 00:06:41,044 "I'll pull out and cum on your back." 184 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,254 Gary: General stattler's still waiting. 185 00:06:42,278 --> 00:06:44,738 Again, I thought we both understood I was lying. 186 00:06:44,822 --> 00:06:46,407 General stattler. How are you? 187 00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:48,617 Sorry to keep you waiting. Come on in. 188 00:06:48,701 --> 00:06:50,911 Madam president, I have been trying repeatedly 189 00:06:50,995 --> 00:06:54,164 to get your office to sign off on a presidential funeral plan. 190 00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:56,584 And since your tenure was so unusually brief, 191 00:06:56,667 --> 00:06:59,878 I took the Liberty of using president Ford's ceremony as a template. 192 00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:02,715 - Who? - Uh, that's not gonna work. 193 00:07:02,798 --> 00:07:06,635 He was lucky not to get dumped out of a pickup truck into a quarry. 194 00:07:06,719 --> 00:07:09,346 - My vision for when I die... - If you... 195 00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:12,099 - No, I am gonna die. - Hmm. 196 00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:15,936 More of a sort of a Princess Diana thing. 197 00:07:16,020 --> 00:07:17,479 But classy. 198 00:07:17,563 --> 00:07:19,064 - But no prince Charles. - Oh, yeah. 199 00:07:19,148 --> 00:07:21,442 - He's worse than the mother. - Gary: Mmm. 200 00:07:21,525 --> 00:07:22,985 Oh, that's a good idea. 201 00:07:23,068 --> 00:07:24,320 Let's make a list 202 00:07:24,403 --> 00:07:26,947 of everybody we don't want invited to my funeral. 203 00:07:27,031 --> 00:07:28,282 - Fun. - Yeah. 204 00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:29,783 And put Andrew at the top. 205 00:07:29,867 --> 00:07:31,035 Already there. 206 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,470 General: Begging your pardon, ma'am, 207 00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:33,722 but these plans should have been made 208 00:07:33,746 --> 00:07:34,747 before you left office. 209 00:07:34,830 --> 00:07:36,248 Oh, put montez on the list. 210 00:07:36,332 --> 00:07:38,125 - Hmm. - You know, I could get reelected. 211 00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:40,377 Ma'am, why don't we justjump right to embalming options 212 00:07:40,461 --> 00:07:42,880 to minimize decomp during the rotunda viewing. 213 00:07:42,963 --> 00:07:44,048 - Hughes. - Gary: Ugh. 214 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:46,258 Do I really want to get embalmed? 215 00:07:46,342 --> 00:07:48,636 - The neck. Yeah. - Oh, that's true. Right. 216 00:07:49,845 --> 00:07:50,846 Jonah Ryan. 217 00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:52,765 Outsider's insider. Make sure to vote. 218 00:07:52,848 --> 00:07:54,975 Hey, Teddy. Teddy, check this out. 219 00:07:55,059 --> 00:07:56,328 - Teddy, look. - What am I doing? 220 00:07:56,352 --> 00:07:57,728 - No, get the big one. - Oh, yeah. 221 00:08:00,356 --> 00:08:01,940 Beth: Teddy, isn't he so funny? 222 00:08:02,024 --> 00:08:04,276 He's hilarious, Mrs. Ryan. 223 00:08:04,777 --> 00:08:07,237 Why don't you eat this, congressman? 224 00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:09,031 - Okay. - There you go. 225 00:08:09,114 --> 00:08:10,783 - Thank you. - All right. 226 00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:11,992 - Congressman Ryan. - Yeah. 227 00:08:12,076 --> 00:08:14,828 How do you feel about being relegated to the undercard debate? 228 00:08:14,912 --> 00:08:17,122 - Oh, no comment. - No. Comment. 229 00:08:17,206 --> 00:08:18,707 I deserve to be in the real debate 230 00:08:18,791 --> 00:08:21,335 as much as selina meyer and that hot new black lady. 231 00:08:21,418 --> 00:08:24,004 It is literally the definition of retarded. 232 00:08:24,088 --> 00:08:25,774 Congressman has a very busy schedule, thank you. 233 00:08:25,798 --> 00:08:27,438 Hi. Jonah Ryan, candidate for president... 234 00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:28,967 What the fuck, Teddy? 235 00:08:29,051 --> 00:08:30,969 You can't say "retarded" in front of a reporter. 236 00:08:31,053 --> 00:08:33,472 - Why, is he retarded? - No, but you might be. 237 00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:35,683 No. My pediatrician ran the tests. 238 00:08:35,766 --> 00:08:38,811 Besides, if I was, you'd know. I'd have retard face or whatever. 239 00:08:38,894 --> 00:08:40,121 - He would look different. - Jonah. 240 00:08:40,145 --> 00:08:42,564 You have to watch what you say. 241 00:08:42,648 --> 00:08:43,732 Damn it. 242 00:08:43,816 --> 00:08:45,736 Wait. Who are you calling? No. Don't tell my mom. 243 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,904 It's Teddy, yeah. I'm calling in the favor. 244 00:08:48,987 --> 00:08:51,323 Teddy, look. It's shitting in my mouth. 245 00:08:51,407 --> 00:08:53,992 He's pretending the potato is pooping in his mouth. 246 00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:56,745 Mike: Buzzfeed rented this house for all their reporters. 247 00:08:56,829 --> 00:08:59,140 - Babe, why are you wearing that hat? - Mike: Ever since I got it, 248 00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:01,959 they stopped calling me "old guy." Now I'm "hat guy." 249 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:04,628 - It's "fat guy." - Wendy: Hey, Mike, have you given 250 00:09:04,712 --> 00:09:06,630 any thought to that thing that we talked about? 251 00:09:06,714 --> 00:09:09,133 I think it would be really good for Ellen 252 00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,844 if we adopted another baby from China. 253 00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:13,804 Wendy, we're barely makin' ends meet, 254 00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,597 and ever since the Felix Wade piece, 255 00:09:15,681 --> 00:09:17,266 buzzfeed's been climbing up my ass. 256 00:09:17,349 --> 00:09:19,476 Somehow they got the idea I'm a good writer. 257 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,019 And I'm not! 258 00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:22,580 I gotta go help Ellen with her mandarin. 259 00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:24,690 All right. Ellen, nihao! 260 00:09:24,773 --> 00:09:26,984 That means "hello," Mike. 261 00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:28,777 Wendy: Have fun, baby. Woman: Hey, fat guy. 262 00:09:28,861 --> 00:09:31,572 Did I hear you're having trouble meeting your article quota? 263 00:09:31,655 --> 00:09:32,906 Maybe. 264 00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:36,076 You interested in some study buddies? 265 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:37,453 Didn't I used to be hat guy? 266 00:09:37,536 --> 00:09:38,871 I think it was always fat guy. 267 00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:48,213 Oh, wow! What a crowd! Hi! 268 00:09:48,297 --> 00:09:50,382 - I hope you'll vote for me. - Kent: "Caucus." 269 00:09:50,466 --> 00:09:52,593 - They don't know what that word is. - Good point. 270 00:09:52,676 --> 00:09:55,637 Hi, mom! Don't tell me. Are these all of your children? 271 00:09:55,721 --> 00:09:56,948 - Yes, they are. - That's a busy beaver. 272 00:09:56,972 --> 00:09:58,515 - Yes. - Yes, indeed. 273 00:09:58,599 --> 00:10:01,769 Hey, kids. Were you all just petting the animals? 274 00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:03,979 - Kids: Yes. - Great. 275 00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:05,647 - Where's kemi? - Kent: Senator Talbot 276 00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:07,608 is currently using her campaign app 277 00:10:07,691 --> 00:10:09,335 - to host a digital town hall. - Woman of color... 278 00:10:09,359 --> 00:10:10,569 Jesus-hashtag-Christ. 279 00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:12,589 - Do we even have an app? - Of course we do, ma'am. 280 00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:14,406 The current version only asks for donations 281 00:10:14,490 --> 00:10:16,301 and, for some reason, deletes your address book. 282 00:10:16,325 --> 00:10:18,410 Technically, it's more of a virus. 283 00:10:18,494 --> 00:10:20,680 I had it but had to delete it because it was making my phone hot. 284 00:10:20,704 --> 00:10:22,915 Hello! Yes! Yeah! 285 00:10:22,998 --> 00:10:25,417 Madam president, I have a question and two follow-ups. 286 00:10:25,501 --> 00:10:26,627 You do? 287 00:10:26,752 --> 00:10:28,438 How do you feel about governor Calhoun accusing you 288 00:10:28,462 --> 00:10:30,356 of being unfit for office because of your complicity 289 00:10:30,380 --> 00:10:31,965 in your husband's alleged crimes? 290 00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:34,134 He's my ex-husband, Mike, 291 00:10:34,218 --> 00:10:35,969 and I think we're all getting pretty tired 292 00:10:36,053 --> 00:10:39,014 of these cheap personal attacks. 293 00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:41,683 Perhaps that kind of thing plays well in "nevahda"... 294 00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:42,768 Nevada. 295 00:10:42,851 --> 00:10:45,854 Nevada, but I challenge governor Calhoun 296 00:10:45,938 --> 00:10:47,689 and the other candidates 297 00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:50,526 to, uh, join me 298 00:10:50,609 --> 00:10:53,403 in a "non-negative" pledge. 299 00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:55,739 I think it's time to start talking about 300 00:10:55,823 --> 00:10:59,076 the issues that affect real Americans. 301 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,553 Thank you. 302 00:11:00,577 --> 00:11:02,162 Mike, you said an actual thing. 303 00:11:02,246 --> 00:11:03,747 How the fuck did that happen? 304 00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,290 It's like flowers for algernon. 305 00:11:05,374 --> 00:11:07,376 I understand that reference now. It's a book. 306 00:11:07,459 --> 00:11:09,211 Oh, by the way, have you seen Andrew? 307 00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:11,046 I gotta get a hold of him. 308 00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:13,131 I'm startin' to think he's rippin' me off. 309 00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:15,300 Stephanie: What we do at Crawford bloom associates, 310 00:11:15,384 --> 00:11:18,136 we work with high-profile clients like yourself 311 00:11:18,220 --> 00:11:21,598 to make sure that not only are they understood, 312 00:11:21,682 --> 00:11:24,434 but more importantly, never misunderstood. 313 00:11:24,518 --> 00:11:26,687 We want you to put your best foot forward 314 00:11:26,770 --> 00:11:28,814 - and not in your mouth. - Exactly. 315 00:11:28,897 --> 00:11:30,399 That's a good one. I like that. 316 00:11:30,482 --> 00:11:32,234 - I like these guys. - Stephanie: Okay, so, 317 00:11:32,317 --> 00:11:33,545 you went to the fair yesterday. 318 00:11:33,569 --> 00:11:35,904 Stephanie: Yeah. Let's talk about 319 00:11:35,988 --> 00:11:39,324 the specific incident that brought you to us. 320 00:11:39,408 --> 00:11:42,369 - Oh, yeah, the retarded thing. - Yes. Exactly. 321 00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:44,496 Now, when you said that word, congressman, 322 00:11:44,580 --> 00:11:46,975 is there, I don't know, another word that you could have used, 323 00:11:46,999 --> 00:11:49,334 - had the same meaning? - Man: Mmm-hmm. 324 00:11:50,878 --> 00:11:52,921 - And there's no wrong answers. - Nope. 325 00:11:54,548 --> 00:11:56,800 Um, mentally retarded? 326 00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:59,428 No, that's wrong. 327 00:11:59,511 --> 00:12:00,947 I see where your head is at, though, 328 00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:02,764 and you are technically correct. 329 00:12:02,848 --> 00:12:04,725 - Thank you. Thank you. - Man: Yes. 330 00:12:04,808 --> 00:12:07,686 And technically also, though, you see how you're still using 331 00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:09,521 the same form of the hurtful word? 332 00:12:09,605 --> 00:12:10,939 You're feeling what I'm saying? 333 00:12:11,023 --> 00:12:13,150 Not really. Can I get another bagel? 334 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,152 It might be a great time to introduce 335 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,321 a new strategy that we have developed here 336 00:12:17,404 --> 00:12:20,240 called "360 degree perspective-taking." 337 00:12:20,324 --> 00:12:22,034 Oh, god, is that like math? 338 00:12:22,117 --> 00:12:23,911 Actually, it's just a way of using empathy 339 00:12:23,994 --> 00:12:27,122 to help avoid hurting other people's feelings. 340 00:12:27,205 --> 00:12:29,666 That's so gay. 341 00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:31,543 - Um, what? - Excuse me? 342 00:12:31,627 --> 00:12:33,462 Oh, guys, come on. 343 00:12:33,545 --> 00:12:35,130 I didn't mean like gay gay 344 00:12:35,213 --> 00:12:37,007 or like, "this guy and his husband are gay." 345 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:40,177 I meant gay like, uh, mentally retarded. 346 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,095 Okay. You know what? Uh, Stephanie, 347 00:12:42,179 --> 00:12:43,805 I need a minute, I just need one minute. 348 00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:45,807 - I'm so sorry. Thank you. - Jonah: Okay. Yeah. 349 00:12:45,891 --> 00:12:48,352 Is this guy on his fuckin' period? What is... 350 00:12:51,897 --> 00:12:54,816 My dumb slit sister was supposed to be 351 00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:56,777 my abortion ride, but now, of course, 352 00:12:56,860 --> 00:12:58,779 she is nowhere to be found, so I'm... 353 00:12:58,862 --> 00:13:00,906 - Oh, that makes sense. - Dan: Yeah. 354 00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:02,991 Would you mind? 355 00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:05,428 Unless you plan on fucking her again while she's passed out. 356 00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:07,764 She doesn't call that rape, by the way, that's just regular sex to her. 357 00:13:07,788 --> 00:13:09,748 - I will get my keys. - Thank you. 358 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:11,500 Sophie: Don't wear white pants! 359 00:13:11,583 --> 00:13:13,394 Richard: Big news, ma'am. Governor Calhoun announced 360 00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,104 that he's signed onto your non-negative pledge. 361 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,129 Oh, what a pussy. 362 00:13:16,213 --> 00:13:17,255 Ma'am, every candidate 363 00:13:17,339 --> 00:13:18,757 has made the non-negative pledge, 364 00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:20,467 including Tom James and kemi. 365 00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:21,551 Look at you! 366 00:13:21,635 --> 00:13:23,715 You've got chocolate all over your face like a child, 367 00:13:23,762 --> 00:13:25,263 but you're an adult! Adorable! 368 00:13:25,347 --> 00:13:28,266 Also, the dog mayor of lurlene has passed away. 369 00:13:28,350 --> 00:13:29,535 - I'm sorry, Richard. - Oh, my god. 370 00:13:29,559 --> 00:13:31,144 - What? Who? - The dog that I... 371 00:13:31,228 --> 00:13:32,521 Oh, no. 372 00:13:32,604 --> 00:13:34,444 We should probably send someone to the funeral. 373 00:13:34,481 --> 00:13:35,482 Make Amy go. 374 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,859 Where is that fatty mcfatty hiding today? 375 00:13:37,943 --> 00:13:39,695 She aborted her unborn fetus. 376 00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:42,155 Dock her a day's pay then. Richard, do you want to go? 377 00:13:42,239 --> 00:13:43,949 It would be my honor to attend. 378 00:13:46,785 --> 00:13:48,120 Winner. 379 00:13:48,203 --> 00:13:49,663 Honey, I think that's enough. 380 00:13:49,746 --> 00:13:51,707 These are clearly made with child labor. 381 00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:53,125 Hold this. 382 00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:54,644 What are you, some kind of green beret? 383 00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:57,462 I was an agricultural advisor. Nothing more. 384 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,300 Woman: Abortion is murder! 385 00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:04,928 Keep your head down, ames. I'll part the redneck sea. 386 00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:08,140 All right, all right, back up. Make some room. 387 00:14:08,223 --> 00:14:10,600 Psalm 106! Think of the innocent children! 388 00:14:10,684 --> 00:14:13,520 - Oh! You want me to think... - No, no, no, no, no, no. 389 00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:15,897 About the children, you hog-fingering fucks? 390 00:14:15,981 --> 00:14:17,566 I did think about this. 391 00:14:17,649 --> 00:14:20,360 I considered it, and I cried, and yeah, 392 00:14:20,444 --> 00:14:23,196 suck my cock, I even prayed a little, and here I am. 393 00:14:23,280 --> 00:14:26,116 So you can back the fuck off, you hypocritical cunts, 394 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:28,785 before I show up to the piss puddle that is your house 395 00:14:28,869 --> 00:14:30,662 and protest your husband whacking it 396 00:14:30,746 --> 00:14:32,140 to your daughter's seventh grade yearbook. 397 00:14:32,164 --> 00:14:33,248 That sign's misspelled. 398 00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:34,916 - Come on, Dan. - Dan: Yes. Yes. 399 00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,960 Oh, and I hope you'll all caucus for selina meyer. 400 00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:38,545 New selina now. 401 00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:41,131 Oh, darn it. 402 00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,966 - Okay. Yeah? - Ma'am. 403 00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:44,843 Um, kemi killed her boyfriend. 404 00:14:44,926 --> 00:14:47,721 What? How is this not all over the news? 405 00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,639 Her records were sealed. She was 16. 406 00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:52,392 She accidentally hit him with her Volkswagen cabriolet. 407 00:14:52,476 --> 00:14:54,936 She is an actual murderer? 408 00:14:55,020 --> 00:14:56,021 Yes! 409 00:14:56,104 --> 00:14:57,689 Who drives an import! 410 00:14:57,773 --> 00:14:59,691 Oh, my god! 411 00:14:59,775 --> 00:15:01,902 I think I'm gonna cry. 412 00:15:01,985 --> 00:15:03,737 We gotta spread this news 413 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:07,532 like kemi's boyfriend's guts all over the pavement! 414 00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:09,659 Actually, he was decapitated. 415 00:15:09,743 --> 00:15:11,703 - Here. You do this. - Ma'am. Ma'am. 416 00:15:11,787 --> 00:15:12,788 We can't use this. 417 00:15:12,871 --> 00:15:14,748 Social media is exploding with praise 418 00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:16,583 for your non-negative pledge. 419 00:15:18,752 --> 00:15:21,004 Why did you morons let me do that? 420 00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:23,090 Man: Winner. 421 00:15:23,173 --> 00:15:24,174 Oh! 422 00:15:24,299 --> 00:15:26,635 I did it! I did it! 423 00:15:26,718 --> 00:15:28,887 - Here you go, ma'am. - Thank you. 424 00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:31,264 Enjoy the rest of your day at the Waterloo county fair. 425 00:15:31,348 --> 00:15:33,350 Thank you. I don't want this. 426 00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:36,520 Okay. Is there any way we can accuse kemi 427 00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:39,773 of murdering her boyfriend, but in a positive way? 428 00:15:39,856 --> 00:15:42,818 Madam president! Guess your age? Guess your weight? 429 00:15:42,901 --> 00:15:44,611 Oh. Um... 430 00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:46,947 Okay. What was that? 431 00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:49,008 - Where's secret service? - Just came out of nowhere. 432 00:15:49,032 --> 00:15:51,576 Doctor: Okay, Ms. Brookheimer, I do need to warn you 433 00:15:51,660 --> 00:15:53,096 about some of the surgical risks involved. 434 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:55,038 Infection, bleeding, uterine perforation. 435 00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:56,957 Yep, 10-4. Body's a wonderland. 436 00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,667 Can I just sign the consent form? 437 00:15:58,750 --> 00:16:00,836 Per Iowa law, I do have to offer you the option 438 00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:01,962 of viewing the ultrasound. 439 00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:03,213 Less talk, more abortion. 440 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,714 Patient has declined. 441 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:10,345 I am as sure as I will be. 442 00:16:10,428 --> 00:16:13,181 Okay. We're gonna give you some medicine now to help you relax. 443 00:16:13,265 --> 00:16:16,476 Oh, yeah? You got any of those darts they use on rampaging circus animals? 444 00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:17,561 No need. 445 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:18,913 Everyone's always telling me to relax 446 00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:20,081 and I'm not good at relaxing. 447 00:16:20,105 --> 00:16:21,857 I don't want to relax 448 00:16:21,940 --> 00:16:24,776 'cause I hate relaxing so... 449 00:16:24,860 --> 00:16:26,778 - Ooh. - Ah. 450 00:16:26,862 --> 00:16:28,405 There you go, tough guy. 451 00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,991 - Very good. - Doctor: Mmm-hmm. 452 00:16:31,074 --> 00:16:32,909 Is that the Berkeley vc-10? 453 00:16:32,993 --> 00:16:35,537 That's like the Shelby cobra gt of vag-vacs. 454 00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,122 I'm sorry, who is this man? 455 00:16:37,205 --> 00:16:38,623 That's Dan. 456 00:16:38,707 --> 00:16:40,750 I'm the proud father-to-not-be. 457 00:16:40,834 --> 00:16:42,252 - Here ya go, ma'am. - Uh-huh. 458 00:16:43,420 --> 00:16:45,589 - Madam president. - Selina: Yes. 459 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,799 And the crowd goes wild. 460 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,971 What is up with the clubfoot cunt-Tessa? 461 00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,783 I think she's worried that you might beat her up in the girls' bathroom, 462 00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:57,726 - give her a swirlie. - Oh, no. 463 00:16:57,809 --> 00:16:59,186 Yeah, you would've. 464 00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:00,770 Okay. You know what? 465 00:17:00,854 --> 00:17:02,355 - Can you just... - Sure. Yeah. 466 00:17:02,439 --> 00:17:04,816 Madam president, I do believe that we are 467 00:17:04,900 --> 00:17:07,110 literally and figuratively out to pasture. 468 00:17:07,194 --> 00:17:08,963 Oh, god, it's really too bad, 'cause I've got something 469 00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:13,533 so juicy on Ms. Post-racial america. 470 00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:14,910 - Howjuicy? - I mean, 471 00:17:14,993 --> 00:17:16,953 fresh-squeezed Billy carterjuicy. 472 00:17:17,037 --> 00:17:19,289 But I can't use it, unless... 473 00:17:20,332 --> 00:17:22,709 "Unless?" he wondered. 474 00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:26,421 Unless you wanted to break the pledge first. 475 00:17:26,504 --> 00:17:30,467 You want me to go back on your word. 476 00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,469 No. Forget it. This never works. 477 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,262 - What am I thinking? - No, no, no, no. 478 00:17:34,346 --> 00:17:36,890 Selina, listen, you got no reason to trust me, based on... 479 00:17:36,973 --> 00:17:39,309 Yeah. Trying to screw me out of the presidency, 480 00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,519 then trying to actually screw me, 481 00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:42,979 then screwing me, 482 00:17:43,063 --> 00:17:44,898 then writing a book about screwing me. 483 00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:47,776 - Also discussed it on television. - Lovely. 484 00:17:47,859 --> 00:17:50,528 - If I go negative on kemi... - Yeah. 485 00:17:50,612 --> 00:17:51,905 Once she's gone... 486 00:17:51,988 --> 00:17:53,365 The party's stuck with us. 487 00:17:53,448 --> 00:17:55,909 Like it's supposed to be. 488 00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:59,037 Jonah: "And that is why I know I'm wrong 489 00:17:59,120 --> 00:18:01,474 "and I would like to apologize for the hurtful words that I used." 490 00:18:01,498 --> 00:18:04,292 And not just because there was a camera. 491 00:18:04,376 --> 00:18:05,519 Teddy: Although if there is a tape, 492 00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:08,922 we would appreciate it and any copies of that tape 493 00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:12,342 to pray and reflect on. 494 00:18:15,220 --> 00:18:16,471 Come on, guys. 495 00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:20,016 Are you deaf? 496 00:18:20,100 --> 00:18:22,852 Did you not hear what he was saying? 497 00:18:22,936 --> 00:18:25,021 What is wrong with you? Are you fuckin' retarded? 498 00:18:25,146 --> 00:18:26,898 - Oh, my god! - Oh! 499 00:18:26,982 --> 00:18:29,985 I am so sorry. I'm so sorry. 500 00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:32,320 - No, no, no. It's okay. - Stephanie: I'm so sorry. 501 00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:34,114 I accept your apology. 502 00:18:35,824 --> 00:18:38,952 - I really love that sweater. - Thank you. 503 00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,954 Jonah: One voter at a time, Teddy. 504 00:18:41,037 --> 00:18:42,098 Beth: But, Jonah, there were 505 00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:43,290 - two of them. - I know. 506 00:18:43,373 --> 00:18:45,053 I have left literally hundreds of messages, 507 00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:46,727 none of which you've returned, which is why 508 00:18:46,751 --> 00:18:48,211 I am writing this email, Andrew... 509 00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:49,296 Hey, Mike. You good? 510 00:18:49,379 --> 00:18:50,856 Actually, I'm under a little bit of pressure. 511 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:52,149 My wife wants to adopt a new kid 512 00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:53,633 and my old boss's ex-husband 513 00:18:53,717 --> 00:18:54,968 maybe stole our life savings, 514 00:18:55,051 --> 00:18:56,237 so I'm trying to write him a letter, 515 00:18:56,261 --> 00:18:57,470 but I can't focus on anything 516 00:18:57,554 --> 00:18:59,274 - 'cause it's so dirty in here... - Mmm-hmm. 517 00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:01,474 And bright, and, oddly, windy, right? 518 00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:03,369 Oh, hey, do you have any more of those "concentratey" pills? 519 00:19:03,393 --> 00:19:05,145 Oh, yeah, no, I think you've had enough. 520 00:19:05,228 --> 00:19:07,522 Thank you! "I've had enough, Andrew! 521 00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:10,650 "Mike mclintock has had enough!" 522 00:19:11,568 --> 00:19:14,070 Catherine: This is a pretty good turnout for a dog funeral. 523 00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:16,281 I mean, even the governor's here. 524 00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:18,241 Who are all these people? 525 00:19:18,325 --> 00:19:20,702 Novelty mayors are Iowa's number one source of tourism. 526 00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:21,953 After tornado-chasing. 527 00:19:22,037 --> 00:19:24,164 And coming into town to buy sudafed. 528 00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:28,043 - Is that a mayor as well? - Richard: That's just a cat. 529 00:19:28,126 --> 00:19:30,378 Could you imagine? 530 00:19:30,462 --> 00:19:32,380 - This isn't Nebraska. - Judge: Richard. 531 00:19:32,464 --> 00:19:33,941 Can I speak with you after the service? 532 00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:35,383 Of course, judge. 533 00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:37,302 Uh, how's the search for the new successor? 534 00:19:37,385 --> 00:19:40,347 Sadly, the mayor was fixed and cloning was too expensive. 535 00:19:40,430 --> 00:19:42,265 That's what I want to talk to you about. 536 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,142 Would you like me to neuter the new mayor? 537 00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:47,604 We're being sued by the sensitivity trainers. 538 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,727 Joke's on them, because you can't sue the president. 539 00:19:49,773 --> 00:19:52,150 Jonah, I know this is just the undercard debate, 540 00:19:52,233 --> 00:19:55,403 - but it's still important. - Well, hello! 541 00:19:55,487 --> 00:19:57,822 Oh, no. Jonah, you should've worn a costume. 542 00:19:57,906 --> 00:19:59,908 What the fuck? I gotta debate dumbledong? 543 00:19:59,991 --> 00:20:02,660 Listen, okay. He's just the protest candidate. Ignore him. 544 00:20:02,744 --> 00:20:04,079 What's most important is, 545 00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:05,747 you have to be more PC 546 00:20:05,830 --> 00:20:08,083 than a clit ring made out of wheatgrass. 547 00:20:08,208 --> 00:20:10,210 Don't worry about it. I got it handled. 548 00:20:10,293 --> 00:20:11,562 I wrote down all the words not to say. 549 00:20:11,586 --> 00:20:12,670 Okay, that'll work. 550 00:20:16,174 --> 00:20:17,759 Brie: Welcome back to tonight's debate 551 00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:20,178 featuring candidates polling between 5% 552 00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:22,555 and not statistically significant. 553 00:20:22,639 --> 00:20:24,766 I'm brie ramachandran-shulhoff. 554 00:20:24,849 --> 00:20:26,684 Let's turn our attention to foreign policy, 555 00:20:26,768 --> 00:20:28,520 - congressman Ryan. - Bring it on, brie. 556 00:20:28,603 --> 00:20:29,813 Your question is about Africa. 557 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:31,731 - Pass. - Brie: With China challenging 558 00:20:31,815 --> 00:20:34,484 American hegemony across the African continent, 559 00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:37,737 should we adopt a more aggressive policy of forward deployment 560 00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:40,824 by sending U.S. ground troops into countries like Niger? 561 00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:43,451 Oh, I'm sorry, you can't say that. 562 00:20:45,662 --> 00:20:47,664 I mean, only he can say that. 563 00:20:49,124 --> 00:20:50,708 Say what, "Niger"? 564 00:20:50,792 --> 00:20:52,419 It doesn't matter how you pronounce it, 565 00:20:52,502 --> 00:20:54,963 we now know that it is wrong. 566 00:20:55,046 --> 00:20:56,548 Congressman, I think you're confused. 567 00:20:56,631 --> 00:20:58,150 She's referring to the African nation... 568 00:20:58,174 --> 00:21:01,177 - African American nation. - Of Niger. 569 00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:03,721 Jesus, Clark, you're standing right next to the guy. 570 00:21:03,805 --> 00:21:05,181 What did he say? 571 00:21:05,265 --> 00:21:07,225 No, he said it, not me. 572 00:21:07,308 --> 00:21:08,893 But for the record, 573 00:21:08,977 --> 00:21:10,687 I think that the United States 574 00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:13,106 should send troops into countries like n-word, 575 00:21:13,189 --> 00:21:14,983 and I think it would be best 576 00:21:15,066 --> 00:21:17,110 if those troops were black. 577 00:21:17,193 --> 00:21:19,487 Can I just say, making friends overseas 578 00:21:19,571 --> 00:21:21,614 is powerful magic. 579 00:21:21,698 --> 00:21:23,968 You ask him any question, it's gonna be "powerful magic." 580 00:21:23,992 --> 00:21:25,368 I'm gonna ask him a question. 581 00:21:25,452 --> 00:21:26,453 What's your solution 582 00:21:26,536 --> 00:21:28,997 to fix our failing public education system? 583 00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:32,459 Longer school years, free breakfast, 584 00:21:32,542 --> 00:21:33,751 and magic! 585 00:21:33,835 --> 00:21:35,312 Oh, come on. 586 00:21:35,336 --> 00:21:38,089 Little Richard will be very happy for his daddy, 587 00:21:38,173 --> 00:21:39,841 the new mayor of lurlene. 588 00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:41,193 Catherine, he won't be making memories 589 00:21:41,217 --> 00:21:42,594 for another 22 months. 590 00:21:42,677 --> 00:21:44,280 Hey, I think that went pretty well, right? 591 00:21:44,304 --> 00:21:45,930 I just got here, so I'm gonna say yes. 592 00:21:46,014 --> 00:21:48,475 I want you to add the Dalai Lama to this list, 593 00:21:48,558 --> 00:21:50,727 'cause I'm gonna be the only stiff at my funeral. 594 00:21:50,810 --> 00:21:53,438 Oh, look at this. Congressman Ryan! 595 00:21:53,521 --> 00:21:55,899 And this must be Mrs. Ryan. 596 00:21:55,982 --> 00:21:58,318 Or do you go by your maiden name, Mrs. Ryan? 597 00:21:58,401 --> 00:21:59,777 Oh, either is fine. 598 00:21:59,861 --> 00:22:01,529 No, ma'am, she's my half-sister. 599 00:22:01,613 --> 00:22:03,865 - Step. - She's his stepsister. 600 00:22:03,948 --> 00:22:06,367 Madam president, congressman Ryan, I'm glad you're both here. 601 00:22:06,451 --> 00:22:09,287 It seems I have been appointed the new mayor of lurlene. 602 00:22:09,370 --> 00:22:12,624 - Oh! Congratulations! - Oh! Mayor splizzle in the hizzle! 603 00:22:12,707 --> 00:22:14,083 Wow. All right. 604 00:22:14,167 --> 00:22:15,793 But don't you have to be a dog? 605 00:22:15,877 --> 00:22:17,879 Legally, yes, but it's unenforceable. 606 00:22:17,962 --> 00:22:19,797 But, sadly, I have to tell you 607 00:22:19,881 --> 00:22:21,734 that I can no longer work for your presidential campaign. 608 00:22:21,758 --> 00:22:24,469 - Oh, of course. I understand. - Oh, I'll be sorry to lose you. 609 00:22:24,552 --> 00:22:25,845 Me, too. 610 00:22:27,305 --> 00:22:28,532 - Kent: Ma'am. - Hmm? 611 00:22:28,556 --> 00:22:30,058 - Ma'am. - Selina: What? 612 00:22:30,141 --> 00:22:31,309 Excuse me. Yes? 613 00:22:31,392 --> 00:22:33,311 It seems that Mike just published 614 00:22:33,394 --> 00:22:36,689 a piece on buzzfeed entitled "an open letter to Andrew meyer." 615 00:22:36,773 --> 00:22:38,691 "Dear Mr. Andrew meyer, I have 616 00:22:38,775 --> 00:22:40,693 "invested my entire life savings with you, 617 00:22:40,777 --> 00:22:42,820 "and have yet to see a single dollar in return." 618 00:22:42,904 --> 00:22:44,614 What? Mike's entire life savings? 619 00:22:44,697 --> 00:22:46,491 So we're talking about, what, $6? 620 00:22:46,574 --> 00:22:49,035 The term "fonzie scheme" is referenced. 621 00:22:49,118 --> 00:22:51,037 And the article as a whole is not cool. 622 00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:53,540 Get that Benedict Ronald McDonald 623 00:22:53,623 --> 00:22:54,749 on the phone right now. 624 00:22:54,832 --> 00:22:56,334 And find me Tom James! 625 00:23:04,092 --> 00:23:05,093 Fat guy's phone. 626 00:23:05,176 --> 00:23:06,844 Selina: Mike, what the backstabbing fuck? 627 00:23:06,928 --> 00:23:09,639 Dude, your mom's on the phone. She sounds pissed. 628 00:23:11,933 --> 00:23:13,560 And that's why as a woman, 629 00:23:13,643 --> 00:23:15,353 and a woman of color, 630 00:23:15,436 --> 00:23:18,439 my entire life has been training for the oval office. 631 00:23:18,523 --> 00:23:20,692 If I could just add onto that by speaking... 632 00:23:20,775 --> 00:23:22,527 - Selina: You know, Greg... - Yeah. Okay. 633 00:23:22,610 --> 00:23:26,281 Um, I have actually sat in the oval office 634 00:23:26,364 --> 00:23:28,366 and made tough decisions, 635 00:23:28,449 --> 00:23:30,743 life-and-death decisions. 636 00:23:33,454 --> 00:23:35,623 And believe me, the many, 637 00:23:35,707 --> 00:23:38,418 many accomplishments of the meyer administration 638 00:23:38,501 --> 00:23:40,545 were no accident. 639 00:23:40,628 --> 00:23:42,797 What? What... 640 00:23:42,880 --> 00:23:44,733 Oh, did you say... I'm sorry, did you say something? 641 00:23:44,757 --> 00:23:45,818 - No, you're good. No, no. - Okay. 642 00:23:45,842 --> 00:23:47,695 - I'd like to hop in, and just... - Selina: Which is... 643 00:23:47,719 --> 00:23:49,220 - Tom: I think I know... - All right. 644 00:23:49,304 --> 00:23:52,807 What president meyer is driving at so artfully, 645 00:23:52,890 --> 00:23:54,851 is that she would like me to tell you 646 00:23:54,934 --> 00:23:57,895 that senator Talbot here accidentally murdered her boyfriend 647 00:23:57,979 --> 00:23:59,582 in a reckless car accident 648 00:23:59,606 --> 00:24:00,773 When she was 16 years old. 649 00:24:00,857 --> 00:24:02,650 But you know what? I'm not gonna stoop 650 00:24:02,734 --> 00:24:04,652 to your level and say that, selina. I'm not... 651 00:24:04,736 --> 00:24:07,363 I'm not sure what you mean, senator James... 652 00:24:07,447 --> 00:24:10,450 I guess we shouldn't be surprised at this kind of underhandedness 653 00:24:10,533 --> 00:24:12,213 from a woman whose husband, Andrew meyer... 654 00:24:12,285 --> 00:24:14,245 - Ex-husband, in fact. - Whatever he is. 655 00:24:14,329 --> 00:24:15,806 - You want to get it right. - The two of you, 656 00:24:15,830 --> 00:24:17,582 according to your former press secretary, 657 00:24:17,665 --> 00:24:20,543 used the meyer fund to defraud millions of dollars 658 00:24:20,627 --> 00:24:23,379 from our obese children, from our adult illiterates, 659 00:24:23,463 --> 00:24:25,757 - from emerging democracies... - Our military families. 660 00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:27,550 So where you headed after this? 661 00:24:27,634 --> 00:24:30,219 I got a Neo-Nazi on the dangle in Sweden. 662 00:24:30,303 --> 00:24:32,347 Only one talking point, but they do stick to it. 663 00:24:32,430 --> 00:24:33,765 Did you know that president meyer 664 00:24:33,848 --> 00:24:35,975 had a heart attack a couple of years ago? 665 00:24:36,059 --> 00:24:37,602 Just covered it up! 666 00:24:37,685 --> 00:24:39,604 You had a heart attack. 667 00:24:39,687 --> 00:24:41,606 This was a minor prostate procedure... 668 00:24:41,689 --> 00:24:43,608 If I may interject. Please. 669 00:24:43,691 --> 00:24:44,971 I think that the American people 670 00:24:45,026 --> 00:24:46,736 deserve more from the next president 671 00:24:46,819 --> 00:24:49,113 than a bunch of politics-as-usual mud-slinging. 672 00:24:50,406 --> 00:24:52,241 Oh, boy. 673 00:24:52,325 --> 00:24:53,951 That kemi really has it going on. 674 00:24:54,035 --> 00:24:55,745 Kemi: And it brings me no joy 675 00:24:55,828 --> 00:24:58,331 to revisit one of the worst events of my childhood 676 00:24:58,414 --> 00:25:01,751 in which, yes, I was in a car accident 677 00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:03,628 that killed a dear friend. 678 00:25:03,711 --> 00:25:06,089 But I have looked up to president meyer 679 00:25:06,172 --> 00:25:07,799 since I was a little girl, 680 00:25:07,882 --> 00:25:10,551 and I have heard her many, many explanations 681 00:25:10,635 --> 00:25:12,762 for her ex-husband's activities at the fund. 682 00:25:12,845 --> 00:25:14,472 And I accept them all. 683 00:25:14,555 --> 00:25:16,700 Well, You know, if... 684 00:25:16,724 --> 00:25:18,810 - Oh, you do? - I do. 685 00:25:18,893 --> 00:25:20,329 And frankly, I'm tired of hearing about it. 686 00:25:20,353 --> 00:25:21,437 I think we all are. 687 00:25:21,521 --> 00:25:23,231 Selina: Iknowlam. Thank you. I... 688 00:25:23,314 --> 00:25:25,942 And as far as both of your medical issues go, 689 00:25:26,025 --> 00:25:27,694 it's tmi, people, 690 00:25:27,777 --> 00:25:29,737 it's tmi, 691 00:25:29,821 --> 00:25:31,447 And I would just like to add to that... 692 00:25:31,531 --> 00:25:33,008 - Hold that thought, governor Calhoun. - Yeah. 693 00:25:33,032 --> 00:25:34,325 We're gonna take a quick break 694 00:25:34,409 --> 00:25:35,618 and then we will be right back 695 00:25:35,702 --> 00:25:37,370 with more of the presidential debate 696 00:25:37,453 --> 00:25:40,707 live from Drake university in des moines, Iowa, 697 00:25:40,790 --> 00:25:42,291 in just a moment. 698 00:25:44,585 --> 00:25:46,754 And we're clear. 699 00:25:48,172 --> 00:25:49,841 Oh, my god. Oh, my god! 700 00:25:49,924 --> 00:25:51,926 - I'm sorry, mom. - Man: Back in two minutes. 701 00:25:52,009 --> 00:25:54,220 You gotta help me. Somebody's gotta tell me what to do. 702 00:25:54,303 --> 00:25:55,638 Hit her with the economy. 703 00:25:55,722 --> 00:25:57,557 There's no way her college loan plan 704 00:25:57,640 --> 00:25:59,100 can pay for itself. 705 00:25:59,183 --> 00:26:00,911 Neither can mine, Ben! None of these plans can! 706 00:26:00,935 --> 00:26:02,371 Do you have your debate cheat sheet? 707 00:26:02,395 --> 00:26:03,896 - Yes, it's right here. - All right. 708 00:26:03,980 --> 00:26:05,940 Ma'am, this is your funeral blackball list. 709 00:26:06,023 --> 00:26:07,942 And all of you are on it! 710 00:26:08,025 --> 00:26:10,862 We need to muddy her up. Something as bad as Andrew. 711 00:26:10,945 --> 00:26:12,071 - Drugs. - Lesbianism. 712 00:26:12,155 --> 00:26:13,698 Mom, mom, stop. Okay? 713 00:26:13,781 --> 00:26:15,283 If you don't win, 714 00:26:15,366 --> 00:26:17,160 we are all gonna have to rally behind kemi. 715 00:26:17,243 --> 00:26:18,595 - Catherine, who cut your hair? - Yeah. 716 00:26:18,619 --> 00:26:19,954 Man: One minute, madam president. 717 00:26:20,037 --> 00:26:21,789 Please head back to the stage. 718 00:26:21,873 --> 00:26:23,416 Okay, um... 719 00:26:23,499 --> 00:26:26,043 Oluwakemi talibah Talbot. 720 00:26:27,295 --> 00:26:28,897 That sounds like a terrorist to me, folks. 721 00:26:28,921 --> 00:26:30,047 Talibah, Taliban. 722 00:26:30,131 --> 00:26:31,275 Taliban. That's an old Chestnut. 723 00:26:31,299 --> 00:26:32,633 Mom, I am begging you 724 00:26:32,717 --> 00:26:34,802 as the mother of a mixed-race child... 725 00:26:34,886 --> 00:26:36,804 Stop it! Stop! 726 00:26:36,888 --> 00:26:39,932 My god! I have had it 727 00:26:40,016 --> 00:26:42,810 with this whimpering and whining from you 728 00:26:42,894 --> 00:26:44,228 and your generation! 729 00:26:44,312 --> 00:26:46,105 It's time for you to grow a pair 730 00:26:46,189 --> 00:26:48,065 and man the fuck up! 731 00:26:49,817 --> 00:26:51,235 Not bad. 732 00:26:54,197 --> 00:26:55,865 Whether your ceiling is made of glass 733 00:26:55,948 --> 00:26:58,409 or covered in peeling lead paint, 734 00:26:58,493 --> 00:27:00,578 as a woman, and a woman of color, 735 00:27:00,661 --> 00:27:04,373 I want to challenge our notions of economic justice. 736 00:27:04,457 --> 00:27:06,793 Senator Talbot, I met a farmer... 737 00:27:06,876 --> 00:27:09,545 Let me tell you something about justice, senator. 738 00:27:09,629 --> 00:27:11,839 When I was coming up as a lawyer, 739 00:27:11,923 --> 00:27:15,593 I didn't have to remind everyone I was a woman every 10 seconds 740 00:27:15,676 --> 00:27:17,595 because they never let me forget it. 741 00:27:17,678 --> 00:27:21,724 I smiled all through the casual grabbing of my behind 742 00:27:21,808 --> 00:27:23,768 and all the secret meetings on the golf course 743 00:27:23,851 --> 00:27:25,561 that I wasn't invited to. 744 00:27:25,645 --> 00:27:29,232 So how about giving a little thanks to the women like me 745 00:27:29,315 --> 00:27:31,275 who built the ladder 746 00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:33,528 that you use to get up onto your soapbox? 747 00:27:33,611 --> 00:27:36,405 How about for once in your life you stop whining, 748 00:27:36,489 --> 00:27:39,116 you stop complaining, and just man up? 749 00:27:39,200 --> 00:27:41,285 Because I honestly... I... 750 00:27:42,703 --> 00:27:44,997 That's right, you heard me, man up. 751 00:27:45,081 --> 00:27:47,166 Ya know? Let's just say it like it is. 752 00:27:47,250 --> 00:27:49,043 Selina: That's it! 753 00:27:49,126 --> 00:27:50,795 All right. All right. If you'll just 754 00:27:50,878 --> 00:27:52,606 show our affection for all of our candidates... 755 00:27:52,630 --> 00:27:54,674 Congratulations, Catherine. 756 00:27:57,552 --> 00:28:00,096 Greg: From Drake university, this has been CNN's 757 00:28:00,179 --> 00:28:01,764 first Iowa presidential debate. 758 00:28:01,848 --> 00:28:04,684 I'm Greg hart. Good night. 759 00:28:08,271 --> 00:28:10,189 Aw, I'm so proud of you. 760 00:28:10,273 --> 00:28:11,691 Thank you. 761 00:28:11,774 --> 00:28:13,109 Greg: Madam president, 762 00:28:13,192 --> 00:28:15,903 - may I say... Whoa! - Thank you, Greg. 763 00:28:15,987 --> 00:28:17,864 President meyer. 764 00:28:17,947 --> 00:28:18,948 - Hey! - Wonderful job. 765 00:28:19,031 --> 00:28:20,032 You did it, ma'am. 766 00:28:20,116 --> 00:28:21,367 God bless america 767 00:28:21,450 --> 00:28:24,370 for hating women almost as much as I do. 768 00:28:24,453 --> 00:28:26,873 - Audience: Man up! Man up! Man up... - Get out of my way. 769 00:28:27,665 --> 00:28:29,166 Amy: She won? 770 00:28:29,250 --> 00:28:30,501 "Man up." 771 00:28:30,585 --> 00:28:32,295 - Huh. - That's really good. 772 00:28:32,378 --> 00:28:34,005 Who came up with that? 773 00:28:34,088 --> 00:28:35,256 Catherine. 774 00:28:35,339 --> 00:28:36,549 How ya doin'? 775 00:28:36,632 --> 00:28:38,134 Feels like 776 00:28:38,217 --> 00:28:41,888 someone shoved a red-hot pair of barbecue tongs 777 00:28:41,971 --> 00:28:43,472 up myjoy trail. 778 00:28:43,556 --> 00:28:44,849 Oh, before I forget. 779 00:28:45,016 --> 00:28:47,476 Frozen maxi-pads soaked in comfrey extract. 780 00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:48,895 My own personal recipe. 781 00:28:48,978 --> 00:28:50,897 That is so nice. 782 00:28:50,980 --> 00:28:52,315 And also 783 00:28:52,398 --> 00:28:54,275 cold and disgusting. 784 00:28:54,358 --> 00:28:56,527 I'm gonna need that back when you're done, 785 00:28:56,611 --> 00:28:58,446 'cause Leon will pay big bucks for it. 786 00:28:58,529 --> 00:29:00,156 Oh. Ugh. 787 00:29:01,407 --> 00:29:02,950 Dan, did I make a mistake? 788 00:29:03,367 --> 00:29:05,786 What if! Never get... 789 00:29:08,956 --> 00:29:11,876 - Yeah? - Ames-Bo-bames. It's Teddy Sykes. 790 00:29:11,959 --> 00:29:15,796 How would you like the chance to help lead a divisive, 791 00:29:15,880 --> 00:29:19,008 physically repugnant underdog to historic victory? 792 00:29:19,091 --> 00:29:21,260 You want me to join Jonah's campaign? 793 00:29:21,344 --> 00:29:23,512 - Such as it is. What do you say? - What? 794 00:29:23,596 --> 00:29:24,948 Ask for campaign manager. 795 00:29:24,972 --> 00:29:26,474 I would need to be campaign manager. 796 00:29:26,557 --> 00:29:28,197 Teddy: So you shall be. I'm not gonna lie, 797 00:29:28,267 --> 00:29:31,062 it's gonna be really hard and no fun. 798 00:29:31,145 --> 00:29:33,022 We have got a bit of a problem. 799 00:29:33,105 --> 00:29:34,315 You are in luck, 800 00:29:34,398 --> 00:29:36,108 because my schedule just got scraped clean. 801 00:29:36,192 --> 00:29:38,235 - We will talk soon. - Yes! 802 00:29:38,319 --> 00:29:40,655 Get up! We have something to celebrate. 803 00:29:40,738 --> 00:29:41,781 Dan: Nice. 804 00:29:41,864 --> 00:29:43,282 Yeah. Five minutes. 805 00:29:43,366 --> 00:29:44,909 Dan: See? When you do good things, 806 00:29:44,992 --> 00:29:46,661 good things happen to good people. 807 00:29:46,744 --> 00:29:47,870 I'm such a good person.