1 00:00:06,090 --> 00:00:08,092 (Country music playing) 2 00:00:08,509 --> 00:00:10,362 Man: Now bow to your partner... Gary: Bow to your partner. 3 00:00:10,386 --> 00:00:12,597 - Swing your partner... - Swing your partner. 4 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:15,016 Wow, Ben, I really don't like being told what to do. 5 00:00:15,099 --> 00:00:17,327 Ben: Well, Felix Wade is the biggest bundler in the party, 6 00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,312 and he loves making millionaires square dance. 7 00:00:19,395 --> 00:00:22,440 Uh, bad news, ma'am. The us. Attorney's office in New York 8 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:25,443 has empaneled a grand jury to investigate the meyer fund. 9 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:26,527 What? 10 00:00:26,611 --> 00:00:27,671 - They're targeting Andrew. - Shit. 11 00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:29,131 - Man: Swing the corner... - Around the corner. 12 00:00:29,155 --> 00:00:30,507 - Selina: Oh, Roger. - Selina, looks like 13 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:31,991 we're swingin' together! 14 00:00:32,074 --> 00:00:33,534 I would have invited my wife, 15 00:00:33,618 --> 00:00:35,369 but she's a squirter, and that dress 16 00:00:35,453 --> 00:00:37,079 doesn't look like it's been scotchgarded. 17 00:00:37,163 --> 00:00:39,600 - Ever the charmer, Mr. Party chairman. - Man: Roll her away to a half sashay. 18 00:00:39,624 --> 00:00:41,059 - Gary: Roll her away... - Okay, when do we get 19 00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:42,919 - the check from Felix? - End of the weekend. 20 00:00:43,002 --> 00:00:44,962 He's gonna make you official at the final dinner. 21 00:00:45,046 --> 00:00:47,086 Okay, well, for that amount of money to my campaign, 22 00:00:47,131 --> 00:00:48,716 I'll do-si-do for his do-si-dough. 23 00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:50,426 And give yourself a hand! 24 00:00:50,509 --> 00:00:51,589 (All clapping and cheering) 25 00:00:52,303 --> 00:00:53,638 (Music stops) 26 00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:57,099 Welcome to my 16th annual discovery weekend. 27 00:00:57,183 --> 00:00:59,018 We 're here in Aspen 28 00:00:59,101 --> 00:01:01,938 to build Bridges to the future. 29 00:01:02,021 --> 00:01:03,981 Bridges made of ideas. 30 00:01:04,065 --> 00:01:05,775 No wonder the rest of the world hates us. 31 00:01:05,858 --> 00:01:06,943 Gayle king is here! 32 00:01:07,026 --> 00:01:08,569 Oh, my god. 33 00:01:09,278 --> 00:01:10,321 But you're not here 34 00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,240 just to innovate entrepreneurial solutions 35 00:01:12,323 --> 00:01:15,534 to the problems of tomorrow, you wanna square dance! 36 00:01:15,618 --> 00:01:17,138 - (Music resumes) - I'm done with this. 37 00:01:17,203 --> 00:01:19,205 (Theme music playing) 38 00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:22,684 Selina: I've waited a long time for this. 39 00:01:22,708 --> 00:01:24,919 I guess Felix Wade always thought I was... 40 00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:27,922 - A lightweight? - God damn it, I hate that word. 41 00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:30,549 - Why? You're so skinny. - No... oh, yeah. 42 00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:32,718 Ma'am. Ma'am. Ma'am, uh, I ran a little intel, 43 00:01:32,802 --> 00:01:34,720 and apparently the secret to Felix Wade 44 00:01:34,804 --> 00:01:36,949 is to always repeat the last two sentences that he says. 45 00:01:36,973 --> 00:01:39,308 Oh, come on. That is idiotic. 46 00:01:39,392 --> 00:01:41,435 - That's what I said. - Is he really that insecure? 47 00:01:41,519 --> 00:01:44,855 Come on, that is idiotic. He's really that insecure? 48 00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:47,024 - Right? Gary gets it. - Madam president. 49 00:01:47,108 --> 00:01:48,859 - Oh, Felix! - I am thrilled 50 00:01:48,943 --> 00:01:51,779 that you finally got lured to one of our little get-togethers. 51 00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:53,572 Well, I'll tell ya a secret, 52 00:01:53,656 --> 00:01:55,776 it's the only reason I'm really running for president. 53 00:01:57,118 --> 00:01:58,452 Really? 54 00:01:58,536 --> 00:02:00,656 I feel like you should have a better reason than that. 55 00:02:03,207 --> 00:02:05,126 Uh, Felix, can I talk to you for a moment? 56 00:02:05,209 --> 00:02:06,603 It's been a delight. I will see you later. 57 00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,879 It has been a delight, and you shall see me later. 58 00:02:09,380 --> 00:02:10,965 Thank you very much. 59 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:15,303 Okay. Isn't it astounding that the next president of the United States 60 00:02:15,386 --> 00:02:18,973 is being chosen by a closeted ex-record producer? 61 00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:22,393 The electoral college hasn't exactly been hitting it out of the park. 62 00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:25,938 And, I mean, is it just me, or does Felix's friend seem a little young? 63 00:02:26,022 --> 00:02:27,958 He'll look older after Felix switches blood with him. 64 00:02:27,982 --> 00:02:30,693 Ma'am, Felix Wade's sexuality is the worst best-kept secret 65 00:02:30,776 --> 00:02:32,820 since Clyde tolson's hysterical pregnancy. 66 00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:34,947 The man lives in a vast invisible closet. 67 00:02:35,031 --> 00:02:36,824 - Sounds amazing. - Amy: I'm gonna be sick. 68 00:02:38,117 --> 00:02:41,537 Wow. It always has to be about her. 69 00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:42,681 - Never fails. - Every time. 70 00:02:42,705 --> 00:02:45,499 Can you see if they can make me a specialty cocktail? 71 00:02:45,583 --> 00:02:46,834 - Of course. - Thank you. 72 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:50,838 (Retches) 73 00:02:50,921 --> 00:02:51,922 (Toilet flushes) 74 00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:53,924 (Groans) 75 00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:57,178 (Exclaims in surprise) 76 00:02:58,471 --> 00:02:59,555 Gary. 77 00:03:01,307 --> 00:03:02,933 I've been having an upset stomach, 78 00:03:03,017 --> 00:03:05,561 'cause I, uh... late... 79 00:03:05,644 --> 00:03:06,896 (Whimpers) 80 00:03:06,979 --> 00:03:07,980 (Retches) 81 00:03:09,648 --> 00:03:11,108 - (Groans) - (Toilet flushes) 82 00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:16,655 Hey, do me a favor and don't say anything to anyone... 83 00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,201 Okay... 84 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:21,702 (Gags) 85 00:03:22,161 --> 00:03:23,746 Mike: There it is. 86 00:03:23,829 --> 00:03:25,289 Hey, is Kim here? 87 00:03:25,873 --> 00:03:27,958 No, she got fired for sleeping with you. 88 00:03:28,042 --> 00:03:30,086 Buzzfeed runs a notoriously tight ship. 89 00:03:30,169 --> 00:03:31,379 I should probably thank you. 90 00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:34,507 You are lookin' at the new deputy senior editor. 91 00:03:34,590 --> 00:03:35,984 They're puttin' me up, and all I gotta do 92 00:03:36,008 --> 00:03:37,843 is sit on some panel for new media innovators. 93 00:03:37,927 --> 00:03:39,637 What do you know about new media, 94 00:03:39,720 --> 00:03:42,306 mike29748@aol.com? 95 00:03:42,390 --> 00:03:43,641 Oh, no. I got hacked. 96 00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,851 It's mike53729. 97 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,645 Still @aol though, right? 98 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,188 - Until I die. - Right. 99 00:03:49,271 --> 00:03:50,991 Ma'am. Ma'am, ma'am. Guess what? Guess what? 100 00:03:51,023 --> 00:03:52,817 - Amy's bulimic. - What? 101 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,735 - Well, it's about time. - Yeah! 102 00:03:54,819 --> 00:03:56,546 And I'll tell ya something, she might want to consider 103 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,370 a little more purging, a little less bingeing. 104 00:03:58,406 --> 00:03:59,591 - (Chuckling) That's right. - You know? 105 00:03:59,615 --> 00:04:00,884 God, that girl can't do anything right. 106 00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:02,910 - Ma'am, I am so sorry... - Amy, you got 107 00:04:02,993 --> 00:04:05,037 some vomit on your mustache. 108 00:04:05,121 --> 00:04:07,581 Selina: What the rocky mountain fuck? 109 00:04:07,665 --> 00:04:10,709 Ben! I thought I was the only candidate invited to this thing. 110 00:04:10,793 --> 00:04:11,794 Uh, so I was told. 111 00:04:11,877 --> 00:04:13,563 (Mocking) Well, so why don't you go find out? 112 00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,190 Amy: I'm gonna shut it down, ma'am. Ben: Ma'am. 113 00:04:15,214 --> 00:04:16,966 (In normal voice) Oh, Tom! 114 00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:19,802 Look what the gulfstream dragged in. 115 00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:23,931 Gosh, I didn't see a Ted talk for fake folksiness on the schedule. 116 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:25,433 4:30. 117 00:04:25,516 --> 00:04:27,309 Kent, can you remind me real quick, 118 00:04:27,393 --> 00:04:30,146 uh, how many points am I beating Tom by? 119 00:04:30,229 --> 00:04:32,398 Des moines register says 18 points. 120 00:04:32,481 --> 00:04:34,442 Oh, eighteen points! Oh, my goodness! 121 00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:36,152 That makes me moister than an oyster. 122 00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:38,779 - Plus or minus four points. - Okay, still pretty moist. 123 00:04:38,863 --> 00:04:40,465 Although a lot of iowans no longer have landlines. 124 00:04:40,489 --> 00:04:41,490 It's fine. 125 00:04:41,574 --> 00:04:43,214 Oh, senator James, we need to keep moving. 126 00:04:43,993 --> 00:04:45,161 Ma'am. 127 00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:48,831 Good lord, what's up with frigid Von pole-up-her-ass? 128 00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:51,542 That is my deputy chief of staff, Michelle York. 129 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:52,877 She's basically my Amy. 130 00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:55,045 - Well, my Amy has bulimia. - Yeah. 131 00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:57,774 - No one likes a braggart, selina. - Hey, Tom, what are you doing here? 132 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,860 Just an old friend of Felix's, and I guess he thought 133 00:04:59,884 --> 00:05:02,011 I might enjoy a weekend in Aspen. 134 00:05:02,094 --> 00:05:05,723 - Selina: Uh-huh. - Make some new friends. 135 00:05:07,892 --> 00:05:09,310 (People chattering indistinctly) 136 00:05:09,435 --> 00:05:11,437 - Good morning, jerk-offs. - Both: Morning, ma'am. 137 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,356 Ma'am, apparently last night Tom and Felix ended up 138 00:05:14,440 --> 00:05:17,818 closing down the casamigos Tequila ideas bar together. 139 00:05:17,902 --> 00:05:19,361 Now Felix's people are saying 140 00:05:19,445 --> 00:05:21,238 that he wants to choose between you and Tom. 141 00:05:21,322 --> 00:05:23,574 Oh, come on. Son of a dick! 142 00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:26,243 - I want all eyes on Tom now. - All: Mmm-hmm. 143 00:05:26,327 --> 00:05:28,496 He cannot spend another second with Felix 144 00:05:28,579 --> 00:05:30,206 without me jammed in between 'em 145 00:05:30,289 --> 00:05:32,541 like the cross-piece on an Eiffel Tower three-way. 146 00:05:32,625 --> 00:05:34,001 Mmf. The devil's threesome. 147 00:05:34,084 --> 00:05:35,961 Dan: Isn't that senator Talbot over there? 148 00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:38,339 - She used to run the sdny. - Selina: Mmm. 149 00:05:38,422 --> 00:05:39,524 She might be able to help us 150 00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:40,901 - with the Andrew situation. - Amy: Mmm-hmm. 151 00:05:40,925 --> 00:05:42,009 - Yeah. - Yeah. 152 00:05:42,092 --> 00:05:43,719 Gary, go and get her for me right now. 153 00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:44,803 Dan: Go, Gary. 154 00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:47,598 You know, I actually consider her to be a bit of a protégée. 155 00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,892 - Does she know that? - I thought I was your protégée. 156 00:05:49,975 --> 00:05:53,270 - No, you're Ben's protégée. - Ben: Not a very good one. 157 00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:55,314 You know something, ma'am? Senator Talbot 158 00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:57,125 might not be a terrible choice for a running mate. 159 00:05:57,149 --> 00:06:00,236 An all-female ticket? I don't think so. (Chuckles) 160 00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:02,988 The American people work hard for a living, okay? 161 00:06:03,072 --> 00:06:04,782 They don't need that kind of bullshit! 162 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,593 - Ma'am, senator Talbot. - Kemi: Madam president. 163 00:06:06,617 --> 00:06:08,869 Kemi! Oh, my god, my protégée! 164 00:06:08,953 --> 00:06:11,372 - Ooh, very nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too. 165 00:06:11,455 --> 00:06:12,873 - I'm Amy... - Oh, no, no! You! 166 00:06:12,957 --> 00:06:15,042 - How are things on the hill? - Crazy as ever. 167 00:06:15,125 --> 00:06:18,045 Did senator isles try and grab your ass? 168 00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:19,129 Oh, yeah. 169 00:06:19,213 --> 00:06:21,024 He used to say that mine was like a candy apple. 170 00:06:21,048 --> 00:06:22,299 - Mmm. - (Chuckles) 171 00:06:22,383 --> 00:06:24,611 Actually, senator isles is under investigation right now, so... 172 00:06:24,635 --> 00:06:25,636 For what? 173 00:06:26,637 --> 00:06:28,138 For the inappropriate... 174 00:06:28,514 --> 00:06:29,723 - Oh, yeah, right. - Yeah. 175 00:06:29,807 --> 00:06:30,975 'Cause that's bad now. 176 00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,059 Yeah, so... 177 00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:33,578 Gary: Ma'am, Tom James is on the move. 178 00:06:33,602 --> 00:06:34,812 So good to see you! 179 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,665 - So good to see you, madam president. - (Gary chuckles) 180 00:06:36,689 --> 00:06:38,023 Just, uh... yeah. 181 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,861 Oh, look at you outside! 182 00:06:45,030 --> 00:06:46,448 - (Grunts) Tom! - Are you all right? 183 00:06:46,532 --> 00:06:49,201 Wow, that is so incredible. I did not see you there. 184 00:06:49,285 --> 00:06:51,996 Well, that's funny that you sprinted around the entire deck 185 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,456 to just bump into me sight unseen. 186 00:06:54,540 --> 00:06:57,042 So, uh, I heard you had a very big night 187 00:06:57,126 --> 00:06:58,586 with Felix last night. 188 00:06:58,669 --> 00:07:00,296 You really should have been there. 189 00:07:00,379 --> 00:07:01,982 You know, it's one thing I've learned in politics, 190 00:07:02,006 --> 00:07:04,216 a lot of the best stuff happens after-hours. 191 00:07:04,300 --> 00:07:06,427 Oh, is that so, captain Morgan? 192 00:07:06,510 --> 00:07:08,321 Well, thank you so much for man-telling me that. 193 00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:11,307 I believe the word you're fumbling for is "mansplaining." 194 00:07:12,266 --> 00:07:14,578 - Man... okay, splain... - Michelle: Senator, we have to go. 195 00:07:14,602 --> 00:07:15,894 Madam president. 196 00:07:16,645 --> 00:07:17,896 Yeah. 197 00:07:18,689 --> 00:07:20,691 I got a picture. 198 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,026 Of what? 199 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,569 Of his Amy? 200 00:07:23,652 --> 00:07:25,112 His who? 201 00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:26,572 Hsamy 202 00:07:26,655 --> 00:07:28,616 - ma'am, I don't see it. - Seriously? 203 00:07:28,699 --> 00:07:30,075 With this? And the... (Grumbung) 204 00:07:30,159 --> 00:07:32,077 No, ma'am, I got a picture of his schedule. 205 00:07:32,161 --> 00:07:35,039 Presentation on compost at the treehouse theater, 9:00 am. 206 00:07:35,122 --> 00:07:37,374 Felix will be there with him. Okay, I'm... 207 00:07:37,458 --> 00:07:40,210 Amy, seriously, I know I rarely say this, 208 00:07:40,294 --> 00:07:42,755 - but that was really... - Gary: Okay. 209 00:07:42,838 --> 00:07:44,006 (Whimpers mockingly) 210 00:07:44,089 --> 00:07:45,674 Did you see what she had for breakfast? 211 00:07:45,758 --> 00:07:48,344 Yeah. And I bet she had a breakfast before that breakfast. 212 00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:49,845 There is no doubt about that. 213 00:07:49,928 --> 00:07:51,388 Okay, let's go to compost. 214 00:07:51,472 --> 00:07:53,682 - Okay? What is compost? - I don't... 215 00:07:53,766 --> 00:07:55,851 What we'd really like to get at, congressman, 216 00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:58,312 is, what sets you apart from the other candidates? 217 00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:01,315 Well, for one thing, uh, I have a lot of new ideas. 218 00:08:04,443 --> 00:08:06,904 And what are some of those new ideas? 219 00:08:06,987 --> 00:08:09,865 Well, science tells us that it will be difficult, 220 00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:13,702 but within five years, I want america 221 00:08:13,786 --> 00:08:16,705 to put a man on Ellen degeneres. 222 00:08:16,789 --> 00:08:17,998 Up top! 223 00:08:21,585 --> 00:08:22,586 Thank you, Richard. 224 00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:24,213 Yeah, I didn't think you'd do that one. 225 00:08:24,296 --> 00:08:25,649 (Chuckles) It's pretty good, right? 226 00:08:25,673 --> 00:08:27,883 - It's great, thank you. - Jonah: She's a lesbian, so... 227 00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:29,194 - Reporter: No, we get it. - Right. 228 00:08:29,218 --> 00:08:30,719 - Reporter: We get the joke. - Okay. 229 00:08:30,803 --> 00:08:32,680 Congressman Ryan, I'd like you to address 230 00:08:32,763 --> 00:08:34,765 some rumors that have been circulating online 231 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:36,350 that you made inappropriate advances 232 00:08:36,433 --> 00:08:38,185 toward a female staffer on capitol hill. 233 00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:40,813 I'm sorry. Derek, can we have a minute? 234 00:08:41,605 --> 00:08:42,815 Just one moment. 235 00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:46,860 Apparently, there's been an anonymous posting 236 00:08:46,944 --> 00:08:49,321 about a "dead-eyed, lantern-jawed, 237 00:08:49,405 --> 00:08:51,156 "one-and-done congresstard" 238 00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:53,909 who acted in a sexually inappropriate manner? 239 00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:56,161 - Okay, well, that could be anybody. - Sounds like you. 240 00:08:56,245 --> 00:08:58,163 Jonah, who have you traumatized? 241 00:08:58,247 --> 00:08:59,933 And start with the doctor who delivered you. 242 00:08:59,957 --> 00:09:02,543 - I haven't traumatized anyone. - There was your aide, Emma gray. 243 00:09:02,626 --> 00:09:05,337 Oh, schnozz? She was stuck-up, I was just callin' her on it. 244 00:09:05,421 --> 00:09:06,922 Congresswomen Troy and vasconi. 245 00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:08,674 Monster tits and monster tits, Jr.? 246 00:09:08,757 --> 00:09:11,802 But all I did there was express some genuine concern 247 00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:14,054 that they had bras big enough to handle all that meat. 248 00:09:14,138 --> 00:09:15,532 At the congressional prayer breakfast. 249 00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:17,641 Yeah. It was exactly what Jesus would have done. 250 00:09:17,725 --> 00:09:18,965 I mean, he's a man, too, Teddy. 251 00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:21,103 Okay, listen. Jonah, 252 00:09:21,186 --> 00:09:22,855 if anyone asks, 253 00:09:22,938 --> 00:09:24,773 tell 'em you've been chemically castrated. 254 00:09:24,857 --> 00:09:26,358 Okay? It's very easy to lie about. 255 00:09:26,442 --> 00:09:27,943 Believe me, nobody checks. 256 00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:29,153 Okay. 257 00:09:32,364 --> 00:09:33,717 Selina: Well, that was a waste of time. 258 00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:36,177 - Gary: Here's some purell. - Okay, I need a tub of this stuff. 259 00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:38,245 - Ben: Where have you been? - Tom and Felix spent 260 00:09:38,328 --> 00:09:40,557 the entire morning French-braiding each other's bald spots. 261 00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:43,125 Somebody's gotta go in there and lure Felix out. 262 00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:44,960 - Okay, I can, uh... - Dan. 263 00:09:45,043 --> 00:09:46,128 Amy: Dan. Kent: Yeah, Dan. 264 00:09:46,712 --> 00:09:48,255 Yeah, that feels right. (Sighs) 265 00:09:48,338 --> 00:09:49,715 Ben: I hope he's Felix's type. 266 00:09:49,798 --> 00:09:51,091 In current gay parlance, 267 00:09:51,175 --> 00:09:53,319 Dan presents somewhere between a "wolf" and an "otter," 268 00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:54,845 some would call a "frost otter." 269 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:56,448 Felix: It's always, you know... 270 00:09:56,472 --> 00:09:58,241 Mr. Wade, I was wondering if I could steal you... 271 00:09:58,265 --> 00:09:59,425 Fly away, please, we're busy. 272 00:10:00,267 --> 00:10:03,187 - Tom: Bye, Dan. - Nice try, grandma, 273 00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:06,106 but you aged out of Felix's demo back in the 20th century. 274 00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:08,066 Uh, I'm 39-and-a-half. 275 00:10:08,150 --> 00:10:10,736 You may want to start coloring that gray. 276 00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:12,070 - Just a thought. - Mmm-hmm. 277 00:10:13,155 --> 00:10:14,490 Man: Bye, now. 278 00:10:15,741 --> 00:10:18,285 - What... Dan? - I need a minute. 279 00:10:18,368 --> 00:10:19,912 - Gary: Ooh... - What's wrong with him? 280 00:10:19,995 --> 00:10:21,163 (Groans) 281 00:10:21,246 --> 00:10:22,724 Something's going around or something, 282 00:10:22,748 --> 00:10:26,251 - 'cause my stomach is... - Oh, Amy, please. We all know, okay? 283 00:10:26,335 --> 00:10:28,545 And I would give you one word of advice, 284 00:10:28,629 --> 00:10:31,924 which is to try laxatives. 285 00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:33,342 I'll tell you why. 286 00:10:33,425 --> 00:10:35,803 It saves your teeth. 287 00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:37,721 Ma'am, I'm pregnant. 288 00:10:38,055 --> 00:10:42,935 (Laughing) 289 00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:44,645 Can you imagine? 290 00:10:45,312 --> 00:10:46,438 I'm pregnant. 291 00:10:46,522 --> 00:10:49,024 - That's not funny. - Okay, now I'm gonna be sick. 292 00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:50,108 How did that happen? 293 00:10:50,192 --> 00:10:51,753 I don't know... One night. With Dan. I don't... 294 00:10:51,777 --> 00:10:53,612 - Dan fucked you? - Mmm-hmm. 295 00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:55,415 What, were you wearing a full-length mirror? 296 00:10:55,489 --> 00:10:57,282 (Laughing) That's tough, but fair. 297 00:10:57,366 --> 00:10:59,952 God almighty, shoulda had you fixed years ago. 298 00:11:00,035 --> 00:11:02,579 Listen, I did not spend my entire life 299 00:11:02,663 --> 00:11:06,124 defending a woman's right to choose for you to choose this. 300 00:11:06,917 --> 00:11:08,418 Jesus Christ. 301 00:11:09,628 --> 00:11:10,712 Bravo. 302 00:11:10,796 --> 00:11:13,131 - Oh, Felix. My god. - I can't count the number of times 303 00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:14,842 I've wanted to say the same thing. 304 00:11:14,925 --> 00:11:16,635 Do you know that there's one girl 305 00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:20,138 that worked in my office who had four kids. 306 00:11:20,222 --> 00:11:21,515 What was she, a possum? 307 00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,350 Actually, Korean, but that's very funny. 308 00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:25,811 Selina, would you care to take a little nature walk with me? 309 00:11:25,894 --> 00:11:27,396 Oh, I would care to do that. 310 00:11:27,479 --> 00:11:29,189 Thank you. (Chuckles) 311 00:11:29,731 --> 00:11:31,900 - No? No. - Yep. 312 00:11:31,984 --> 00:11:33,861 The thing I realized about hip-hop 313 00:11:33,944 --> 00:11:35,153 - before anyone else... - Oh? 314 00:11:35,654 --> 00:11:37,573 Is that the artists 315 00:11:37,656 --> 00:11:39,536 (laughing) Would sign away the publishing rights 316 00:11:39,575 --> 00:11:41,159 for next to nothing! 317 00:11:41,243 --> 00:11:42,244 (Laughing) Oh. 318 00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:45,205 That's an incredible anecdote! 319 00:11:45,289 --> 00:11:46,748 You know, selina, to be honest, 320 00:11:46,832 --> 00:11:49,593 I've been telling people for years that you're a bit of a lightweight. 321 00:11:50,335 --> 00:11:52,546 Well... oh, yes, I mean, 322 00:11:52,629 --> 00:11:55,465 I can be a bit of a lightweight. 323 00:11:55,549 --> 00:11:57,467 - You said it, not me! - (Chuckles) 324 00:11:57,551 --> 00:12:00,596 But it takes a brave person to be able to see one's shortcomings. 325 00:12:00,679 --> 00:12:02,431 - Yeah, it does. - In this day and age, 326 00:12:02,514 --> 00:12:04,516 - it's very, very... - Remarkable. 327 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,518 - Refreshing. - Refreshing was the word I meant. 328 00:12:06,602 --> 00:12:08,020 - Exactly. - Thank you. Yes. 329 00:12:08,103 --> 00:12:12,816 You know, we do this little thing here called the marshmallow roast talk. 330 00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:14,878 Do you think you could throw together a few remarks? 331 00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:17,404 Because I really want to hear more of what you have to say. 332 00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:20,699 You know, I want to hear more of what you have to say. 333 00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:22,534 I would suspect that I have many guests here 334 00:12:22,618 --> 00:12:25,096 that would like to hear what I have to say about what you have to say. 335 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,748 That brain of yours is fascinating to me! 336 00:12:27,831 --> 00:12:29,374 It scares me sometimes. 337 00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:31,752 - Teddy: Jonah, your accuser is here. - (Jonah groans) 338 00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:33,754 Ms. White. Thank you 339 00:12:33,837 --> 00:12:35,172 so much for joining us. 340 00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:38,342 The congressman has something prepared, 341 00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:40,928 and very heartfelt, 342 00:12:41,011 --> 00:12:42,804 he would like to say to you. 343 00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:46,016 I'm sorry, Amanda, if I behaved in a way 344 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,268 that made you uncomfortable or inappropriate. 345 00:12:48,352 --> 00:12:49,895 All right? God! 346 00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,813 You know, and you should try smiling more. 347 00:12:51,897 --> 00:12:54,608 We have this non-disclosure agreement 348 00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,860 for you to sign in exchange... 349 00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:59,112 Actually, I was hoping 350 00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:01,740 Jonah could sign my non-disclosure agreement. 351 00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:05,243 It says that as far as the law is concerned, we never dated. 352 00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:07,621 I'm sorry, there's no way I'm gonna sign that. 353 00:13:07,704 --> 00:13:09,623 You are a stone-cold, neck-down hottie. 354 00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:11,333 I want the whole world to know we dated. 355 00:13:11,416 --> 00:13:13,710 We had one working lunch, and we split the bill. 356 00:13:13,794 --> 00:13:15,671 I split the bill on all my dates. 357 00:13:15,754 --> 00:13:17,965 Why would I pay for a girl to get fatter? 358 00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:20,592 - He's such a... - Ew! It was strictly professional! 359 00:13:20,676 --> 00:13:23,553 There was nothing professional about my behavior! 360 00:13:23,637 --> 00:13:25,097 Nothing happened, Mr. Ryan. 361 00:13:25,222 --> 00:13:28,141 I'm in a relationship with a good, normal man, 362 00:13:28,225 --> 00:13:30,394 who loves me. Yeah, normal. 363 00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:33,021 But if he were to find out that we even had lunch together, 364 00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:35,607 well, I'm not sure he'd be strong enough to stand it. 365 00:13:35,691 --> 00:13:37,734 God, Jamaican jerk Jesus, just sign this! 366 00:13:37,818 --> 00:13:39,027 No, Teddy! 367 00:13:39,695 --> 00:13:42,030 Jonah Ryan will not be silenced. 368 00:13:43,407 --> 00:13:45,117 We dated, 369 00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,285 and the world's gonna know that. 370 00:13:47,369 --> 00:13:48,554 Woman: Madam president, selina: Uh... 371 00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:51,915 Felix is going to introduce you. Here's your marshmallow stick. 372 00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:54,209 Oh, that's very exciting, isn't it? Okay. 373 00:13:57,921 --> 00:14:00,173 - Knock, knock. - Oh, shit. 374 00:14:00,257 --> 00:14:02,884 Just wanted to say congratulations, selina. 375 00:14:02,968 --> 00:14:04,886 - Oh. - And I did everything I could 376 00:14:04,970 --> 00:14:06,656 to get Felix to give me the marshmallow speech. 377 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:07,973 He's not the greatest listener. 378 00:14:08,056 --> 00:14:09,474 Did you offer to blow him? 379 00:14:09,558 --> 00:14:11,059 Tut-tut, selina. 380 00:14:11,143 --> 00:14:13,186 We do not refer to Mr. Wade's sexual orientation. 381 00:14:13,270 --> 00:14:15,522 - Sorry. - But, yes. Yes, I did. 382 00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:17,858 Well, I didn't tell him you were a lousy lay. 383 00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:19,836 - Probably read it in our books. - (Tom chuckles) 384 00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:20,944 (Chuckles) 385 00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:24,573 I love you. 386 00:14:25,282 --> 00:14:28,535 I love you, too, Tom. Go fuck yourself. 387 00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:29,953 - Woman: Ma'am. - Oh, yes. Yeah. 388 00:14:30,037 --> 00:14:31,246 Selina, I mean it. 389 00:14:32,164 --> 00:14:33,915 You're in my head all the time. 390 00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:36,001 You always have been and you always will be. 391 00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:38,045 - Yeah, yeah. - I love you. 392 00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:39,796 - Ma'am. - Yeah. 393 00:14:40,756 --> 00:14:42,591 - Ma'am. - Mmm-hmm. 394 00:14:46,970 --> 00:14:48,263 Oh, here she is! 395 00:14:48,722 --> 00:14:50,474 Here. I can't hold this. I can't. 396 00:14:52,309 --> 00:14:53,977 Oh, wow. Um... 397 00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:59,441 Thank you, Felix, for this incredible opportunity. 398 00:14:59,524 --> 00:15:03,820 I don't, uh, think it's controversial 399 00:15:03,904 --> 00:15:06,323 for me to say to you... 400 00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:11,620 Uh, I mean, ya know, um... 401 00:15:13,371 --> 00:15:18,668 The movers and shakers who confront the, uh, ya know, um... 402 00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:20,796 Uh, chahenges 403 00:15:22,339 --> 00:15:24,299 that we face, both, ya know, 404 00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:27,844 abroad and, um... and, um... um... 405 00:15:28,303 --> 00:15:29,513 Ya know, at home. 406 00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:31,681 Uh, we... 407 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,600 (Groans) 408 00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:36,103 - (Whispering) What is happening here? - I have no idea. 409 00:15:36,186 --> 00:15:38,105 Ya know, leadership, ya know, 410 00:15:38,188 --> 00:15:40,816 uh, I mean, is a tricky... 411 00:15:43,068 --> 00:15:45,171 - She's having a textbook aneurysm. - (Selina continues speaking) 412 00:15:45,195 --> 00:15:46,613 Still looks like a goddess. 413 00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:49,699 And-and-and-and-and... uh... 414 00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:51,785 That's tricky. 415 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,121 - Tom? - Yeah? 416 00:15:54,204 --> 00:15:56,331 - Can I talk to you just for a second? - Sure. Yeah. 417 00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:01,253 Okay. Let me have it. 418 00:16:01,336 --> 00:16:03,880 Hey, you don't get to smile about this, okay? 419 00:16:03,964 --> 00:16:06,049 What are you, some sort of sociopath? 420 00:16:06,133 --> 00:16:09,427 That was the most humiliating experience 421 00:16:09,511 --> 00:16:13,181 I've had in my entire life, and I was vice president 422 00:16:13,265 --> 00:16:14,905 - of the united... - I had a heart attack. 423 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,769 - What? - Eight months ago. 424 00:16:17,853 --> 00:16:21,064 Quadruple bypass, the old James ticker. 425 00:16:21,773 --> 00:16:23,900 Which, I was all for it when it killed my dad, 426 00:16:23,984 --> 00:16:26,820 but it's not so funny when the shoe's on the other ventricle. 427 00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:28,113 - Mmm. - (Bottles clinking) 428 00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:30,076 Which I thought you might be, uh, interested in. 429 00:16:30,115 --> 00:16:31,926 - Right. No, I mean, I think it is... - Server: I'm sorry. 430 00:16:31,950 --> 00:16:33,177 - Tom: No, you're good. - No problem. 431 00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:34,971 - That was in Iraq, senator James? - Afghanistan. 432 00:16:34,995 --> 00:16:37,164 In Afghanistan, okay. 433 00:16:37,247 --> 00:16:39,124 Wait a minute, what are you saying? 434 00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:41,626 I was lying there with a lot of tubes and wires 435 00:16:41,710 --> 00:16:43,628 sticking out of me, and all I could think was 436 00:16:43,712 --> 00:16:45,505 all the things I wished I'd said to you, 437 00:16:45,589 --> 00:16:47,883 and things I wished I'd done, we'd done. 438 00:16:47,966 --> 00:16:50,510 I had a heart attack, too. 439 00:16:50,594 --> 00:16:52,095 - What? - Mmm-hmm. 440 00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:54,764 I did. Really. About a year-and-a-half ago. 441 00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:57,350 We covered the whole thing up. 442 00:16:57,893 --> 00:17:00,312 We called mine a "routine prostate procedure." 443 00:17:00,395 --> 00:17:02,230 Well, yeah, men have it so easy. 444 00:17:02,314 --> 00:17:04,941 People assumed I was having a face-lift. 445 00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:07,152 And then when I did have a face-lift, 446 00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:09,362 I had to tell everybody I was visiting the troops. 447 00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:10,530 When I had my face-lift, 448 00:17:10,614 --> 00:17:12,341 we told people that you were having a face-lift. 449 00:17:12,365 --> 00:17:13,366 (Laughing) 450 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:19,539 (Clears throat) 451 00:17:23,418 --> 00:17:24,878 You love me? 452 00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:27,672 Maybe there's 453 00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:31,384 an alternate universe where we're not in politics, 454 00:17:31,468 --> 00:17:32,761 we're just 455 00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,805 unhappily married somewhere in the suburbs. 456 00:17:35,889 --> 00:17:36,890 (Chuckles) 457 00:17:36,973 --> 00:17:38,350 And you work at a car dealership? 458 00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:40,060 Assistant manager. 459 00:17:40,143 --> 00:17:42,562 - Oh, look at you! - I think. And we argue about 460 00:17:42,646 --> 00:17:44,332 how much money we're spending on landscaping, 461 00:17:44,356 --> 00:17:47,943 and I think you flirt a little too much with the kids' tennis coach. 462 00:17:48,026 --> 00:17:49,503 And then we blow each other's brains out. 463 00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:50,528 Yeah. 464 00:18:00,580 --> 00:18:02,666 Now, see, this... 465 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:04,251 More of my bad timing. 466 00:18:06,544 --> 00:18:08,838 Unless somebody 467 00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:11,258 drops out of the race. 468 00:18:12,342 --> 00:18:14,344 Let's face it, if you were the kind of woman 469 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:17,138 who'd choose me over the presidency, 470 00:18:17,222 --> 00:18:19,182 I wouldn't want you so crazily. 471 00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:24,479 I'm gonna kick your ass all over the electoral map. 472 00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:26,022 Good night, selina. 473 00:18:30,568 --> 00:18:32,195 (Softly) Oh, god. 474 00:18:36,199 --> 00:18:38,159 (Chuckling) Ah, there you are. 475 00:18:38,243 --> 00:18:40,662 - You saw the whole thing, didn't ya? - I did. 476 00:18:41,121 --> 00:18:45,500 How about a hot soak with a Laura mercier bath bomb? 477 00:18:45,583 --> 00:18:46,876 (Gasps) 478 00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:50,839 Is it gonna explode between my legs and make me cum until I cry? 479 00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:54,134 I think it's peppermint. 480 00:18:54,926 --> 00:18:56,094 (Sighs) 481 00:18:57,387 --> 00:18:58,388 (Sighs) 482 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:01,516 You okay, Dan? 483 00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:04,519 Ames, am I gettin' old? I swear, I feel like I'm five minutes away 484 00:19:04,602 --> 00:19:07,314 from fiber supplements and voting in midterms. 485 00:19:07,397 --> 00:19:10,191 - I mean, we all are. - Maybe I gotta stop foolin' around. 486 00:19:10,275 --> 00:19:12,610 Maybe that's it. Maybe I gotta cut out 487 00:19:12,694 --> 00:19:15,447 all the meaningless sex with girls half my age. 488 00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:17,615 I mean, you pull it out to cum on her tits 489 00:19:17,699 --> 00:19:19,701 'cause you think it's gonna make you feel alive. 490 00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:21,424 But it doesn't matter where you cum, ames. 491 00:19:21,453 --> 00:19:23,621 Ya know? It just doesn't. It just... 492 00:19:24,414 --> 00:19:26,082 - It doesn't. - Yeah. 493 00:19:26,541 --> 00:19:28,710 Sometimes it's good to think about the future. 494 00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:31,504 (Chuckles) 495 00:19:31,588 --> 00:19:33,965 Don't know what I'd do without you. 496 00:19:35,467 --> 00:19:36,843 The future... 497 00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:39,374 (People chattering indistinctly) 498 00:19:41,556 --> 00:19:42,974 Selina: Okay, after last night, 499 00:19:43,058 --> 00:19:45,018 none of these masturbators of the universe 500 00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:48,688 are even looking me in the eye ever since Felix decided to back Tom. 501 00:19:48,772 --> 00:19:50,732 And isn't that Tom over there with your protégée? 502 00:19:51,524 --> 00:19:52,776 What? Who? 503 00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:56,279 Ben: Ooh, Tom and kemi would be a formidable ticket. 504 00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:58,049 They could reassure people that look like him 505 00:19:58,073 --> 00:20:00,784 that their country wouldn't be ruined by people that look like her. 506 00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:02,619 God damn it! 507 00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:06,390 - Take a few deep breaths first. - Don't tell me how to breathe. 508 00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:08,333 Good morning. 509 00:20:08,416 --> 00:20:10,794 Hey, Felix, can I talk to you for a quick second? 510 00:20:10,877 --> 00:20:12,337 We've said everything we need to. 511 00:20:12,420 --> 00:20:14,672 "Ya know?" Like you repeatedly said last night. 512 00:20:14,756 --> 00:20:15,757 (Selina chuckles) 513 00:20:15,840 --> 00:20:19,636 Well, you know how you finance guys like to talk about disrupting things? 514 00:20:19,719 --> 00:20:22,847 How about we disrupt the election? 515 00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:24,933 Scatter. 516 00:20:25,016 --> 00:20:26,393 Yeah, like now. 517 00:20:27,102 --> 00:20:28,228 Selina: Get out. 518 00:20:29,229 --> 00:20:30,688 - Tell me more, selina. - Yeah. 519 00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:31,940 I'm addicted to disruption, 520 00:20:32,023 --> 00:20:33,733 especially since I stopped using cocaine. 521 00:20:33,817 --> 00:20:34,818 (Laughing) 522 00:20:36,361 --> 00:20:37,570 Selina: You're... 523 00:20:38,196 --> 00:20:39,614 You're so... um... 524 00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:40,990 Good for you. 525 00:20:41,074 --> 00:20:43,535 Um, we, um... 526 00:20:44,411 --> 00:20:46,663 We don't wait for the convention, Felix. 527 00:20:46,746 --> 00:20:49,958 I name my running mate now. 528 00:20:50,458 --> 00:20:54,504 Even before the Iowa caucus. No one has ever done that before. 529 00:20:54,587 --> 00:20:57,632 - I love it. This is exciting. - You do? I'm excited, too. 530 00:20:57,715 --> 00:20:58,800 Was this your idea? 531 00:20:58,883 --> 00:21:00,403 Yeah, but I'm gonna tell you something. 532 00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:01,928 You gave me the idea. 533 00:21:02,011 --> 00:21:04,013 I'm not shocked about that. 534 00:21:04,097 --> 00:21:05,223 (Jonah clinking glass) 535 00:21:05,306 --> 00:21:06,349 Thank you for having me. 536 00:21:06,433 --> 00:21:08,226 A lot of you knew me when I was really little 537 00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:09,909 and I was just running around in diapers. 538 00:21:10,687 --> 00:21:13,606 And now here we are, and a lot of you are wearin' diapers. 539 00:21:13,690 --> 00:21:14,816 (Beth laughing) 540 00:21:16,568 --> 00:21:20,196 Okay. Well, you might all know that old Chestnut, "mother knows best"? 541 00:21:20,947 --> 00:21:22,574 I think there's a lot of truth in that. 542 00:21:22,657 --> 00:21:25,577 Jonie, look! They're talking about you on the television! 543 00:21:25,660 --> 00:21:26,720 Jonah: Okay... Nancy: Turn it up! 544 00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:28,329 Richard: "Lyin' Ryan." (Chuckles) 545 00:21:28,413 --> 00:21:29,456 Oh, that's gonna stick. 546 00:21:29,539 --> 00:21:32,959 Jonah Ryan and I have not ever dated, 547 00:21:33,042 --> 00:21:35,336 nor gone on a date of any kind. 548 00:21:35,420 --> 00:21:36,421 Well, that's not true. 549 00:21:36,504 --> 00:21:38,756 We had one meal together, 550 00:21:38,840 --> 00:21:41,301 but it was strictly professional 551 00:21:41,384 --> 00:21:43,428 and in the presence of others. 552 00:21:43,761 --> 00:21:45,597 It was really more of a group thing. 553 00:21:45,930 --> 00:21:46,931 Come... come on. 554 00:21:47,015 --> 00:21:50,101 He once tried to friend me on Facebook, 555 00:21:50,185 --> 00:21:54,981 and I did that thing where I never responded "yes" or "no," 556 00:21:55,064 --> 00:21:58,067 hoping, praying, 557 00:21:58,151 --> 00:21:59,861 that it would end. 558 00:21:59,944 --> 00:22:03,072 (Voice breaking) His behavior was completely appropriate at all times. 559 00:22:03,156 --> 00:22:04,908 Oh, no! I was all over her! 560 00:22:04,991 --> 00:22:06,493 Igotsuperhandsy! 561 00:22:06,576 --> 00:22:08,036 For too long women have been silent 562 00:22:08,119 --> 00:22:10,747 in the face of rumors they went out with congressman Ryan. 563 00:22:11,456 --> 00:22:13,541 But finally, people are starting to believe women, 564 00:22:13,625 --> 00:22:15,502 - (scoffs and laughs) - And / believe Amanda 565 00:22:15,585 --> 00:22:17,629 when she says, "not me. 566 00:22:18,296 --> 00:22:19,714 "Not. Me." 567 00:22:19,797 --> 00:22:21,090 Ooh, that's catchy, too. 568 00:22:21,174 --> 00:22:25,970 Felix, um, I'd like to introduce you to senator alohak... 569 00:22:26,054 --> 00:22:27,388 Oluwakemi. 570 00:22:27,472 --> 00:22:28,723 Yes. Talbot. 571 00:22:28,806 --> 00:22:32,685 Kemi is the future of our party. 572 00:22:33,394 --> 00:22:36,022 (Chuckling) An all-female ticket? 573 00:22:36,105 --> 00:22:37,106 I mean, the first one 574 00:22:37,190 --> 00:22:38,590 - since Carter-mondale. - (Chuckles) 575 00:22:39,609 --> 00:22:40,652 I'm not mad at that. 576 00:22:41,110 --> 00:22:42,237 - Kemi, is it? - It is. 577 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:44,423 Would you care to take a little nature walk with selina and me? 578 00:22:44,447 --> 00:22:46,199 - Absolutely. Yeah. - I love nature. 579 00:22:46,282 --> 00:22:47,700 Mind if I tag along? 580 00:22:47,784 --> 00:22:49,160 - No, Tom. - (Chuckles) 581 00:22:49,244 --> 00:22:50,620 That would be awkward. 582 00:22:51,079 --> 00:22:52,664 I've changed my mind again. 583 00:22:54,332 --> 00:22:56,000 Ya know. 584 00:22:57,418 --> 00:22:58,419 (Knocks on door) 585 00:23:00,338 --> 00:23:01,589 - Yeah. - I've been thinking 586 00:23:01,673 --> 00:23:03,007 a lot about what you said, 587 00:23:03,091 --> 00:23:05,927 so maybe it's time for us to settle down 588 00:23:06,010 --> 00:23:08,304 - and raise our baby, and... - I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 589 00:23:08,388 --> 00:23:09,514 Look, I'm just about to fuck 590 00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:11,891 this really hot 19-year-old cater waitress. Okay? 591 00:23:11,975 --> 00:23:14,102 And get this. Her name's meagan. (Laughs) 592 00:23:20,608 --> 00:23:22,944 Hi. Yes, I would like to schedule an appointment 593 00:23:23,027 --> 00:23:24,362 with one of your ob-gyns. 594 00:23:26,281 --> 00:23:28,449 Yes, it's for an abortion. 595 00:23:28,533 --> 00:23:29,867 Yes, I'm sure. 596 00:23:30,618 --> 00:23:32,203 Oh, do you also do flu shots? 597 00:23:37,375 --> 00:23:38,376 Hey. 598 00:23:39,460 --> 00:23:41,087 - Oh! - (Door closes) 599 00:23:43,381 --> 00:23:44,966 Kent: Congratulations, ma'am. 600 00:23:45,049 --> 00:23:47,135 Mr. Wade has officially chosen you to sit next to him 601 00:23:47,218 --> 00:23:48,978 - at tonight's farewell dinner. - (Chuckling) 602 00:23:49,053 --> 00:23:50,513 Show me some money! 603 00:23:50,597 --> 00:23:52,724 - "The." - the what? 604 00:23:52,807 --> 00:23:54,976 - The money. "Show me the..." - No. 605 00:23:55,059 --> 00:23:56,644 Gary: All right! 606 00:23:56,728 --> 00:23:58,563 Who wants some prosecco? 607 00:23:58,646 --> 00:24:00,857 No one. Literally no one ever wants prosecco. 608 00:24:00,940 --> 00:24:02,400 - Give me that. - Ben: Ma'am, 609 00:24:02,483 --> 00:24:04,003 you're gonna be drowning in money so dark 610 00:24:04,027 --> 00:24:06,029 it could get shot entering its own apartment. 611 00:24:06,112 --> 00:24:08,531 (Laughs) We gotta leak this everywhere, okay? 612 00:24:08,615 --> 00:24:11,868 Seriously, it's america's first two-cooter ticket. 613 00:24:11,951 --> 00:24:13,036 Look great on a button. 614 00:24:13,119 --> 00:24:14,799 And Mike works for the Internet now, right? 615 00:24:14,829 --> 00:24:17,016 - Tell him we got a big scoop. - Ben: All right, texting him now. 616 00:24:17,040 --> 00:24:18,583 I saw him earlier at the sundae bar 617 00:24:18,666 --> 00:24:20,835 struggling with the sprinkle dispenser. 618 00:24:20,918 --> 00:24:22,855 Hey, ma'am, do you want to pick out an outfit for tonight? 619 00:24:22,879 --> 00:24:24,148 - Yes. Good. - This color's quite strong. 620 00:24:24,172 --> 00:24:25,173 - Amy: Ma'am. - What? 621 00:24:25,256 --> 00:24:26,633 You are not going to believe it. 622 00:24:26,716 --> 00:24:28,384 Tom James is fucking Michelle. 623 00:24:29,344 --> 00:24:30,470 - Who? - Who? 624 00:24:30,553 --> 00:24:32,305 His deputy chief of staff. 625 00:24:33,514 --> 00:24:35,183 - Who is that? - I don't know who that is. 626 00:24:35,266 --> 00:24:36,309 Hsamw 627 00:24:36,392 --> 00:24:37,685 (gasps and guffaws) 628 00:24:38,686 --> 00:24:39,687 What? 629 00:24:39,771 --> 00:24:42,607 How dare that smooth shitsack 630 00:24:42,690 --> 00:24:45,818 cheat on his wife and risk his political future 631 00:24:45,902 --> 00:24:47,528 with someone that's not me? 632 00:24:47,612 --> 00:24:49,739 Hey, ma'am, what about this? I think it complements 633 00:24:49,822 --> 00:24:51,616 Felix's spray tan really well. 634 00:24:51,699 --> 00:24:54,535 He doesn't give a shit. Just because Felix Wade 635 00:24:54,619 --> 00:24:57,622 is gayer than an eames chair in assless leather chaps 636 00:24:57,705 --> 00:24:59,558 doesn't mean that he's some sort of fashion diva. 637 00:24:59,582 --> 00:25:01,501 Can you... (Grumbles) 638 00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:02,835 Where is Tom James? 639 00:25:02,919 --> 00:25:04,796 Felix Wade is gay? 640 00:25:04,879 --> 00:25:06,422 Thank you, ma'am! 641 00:25:06,506 --> 00:25:08,257 Jonah, even more women are stepping forward 642 00:25:08,341 --> 00:25:09,801 to say they never dated you. 643 00:25:09,884 --> 00:25:11,594 The #notme blowin' up big-time. 644 00:25:11,678 --> 00:25:13,262 It's a goddamn movement. 645 00:25:13,346 --> 00:25:15,473 Richard: Well, the good news is, our approval rating 646 00:25:15,556 --> 00:25:17,368 - in New Hampshire is skyrocketing. - Jonah: Yeah. 647 00:25:17,392 --> 00:25:19,977 Oh, wait, wait, hold that thought. It's upside-down. 648 00:25:20,061 --> 00:25:21,979 Maybe we should reopen the Iowa office. 649 00:25:22,063 --> 00:25:24,041 - Let's not do that. - Reporters: Congressman Ryan! 650 00:25:24,065 --> 00:25:25,858 Thousands of women have joined #notme 651 00:25:25,942 --> 00:25:27,544 to say they've never dated you and never will. 652 00:25:27,568 --> 00:25:29,362 Okay. Thousands of unattractive women. 653 00:25:29,445 --> 00:25:32,156 - Mrs. Ryan, any comment? - I stand behind these brave, 654 00:25:32,240 --> 00:25:34,784 unattractive women who have come forward to say, "not me." 655 00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:36,869 You know, once upon a time, back in high school, 656 00:25:36,953 --> 00:25:38,663 I, too, did not date Jonah Ryan. 657 00:25:38,746 --> 00:25:41,749 Although I did go out with his super-handsome cousin Ezra. 658 00:25:41,833 --> 00:25:43,936 Uh, and it's important to note that they only got to third base. 659 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,378 - Thank you. - No comment. 660 00:25:45,461 --> 00:25:47,046 Teddy: Ho-ho-ho, check out buzzfeed. 661 00:25:47,130 --> 00:25:48,482 Looks like we're not the only campaign 662 00:25:48,506 --> 00:25:50,383 who farted and had to throw their pants away. 663 00:25:50,466 --> 00:25:53,344 Selina meyerjust outed Felix Wade! 664 00:25:53,428 --> 00:25:55,388 Oh? Oh, and there's another hashtag trending. 665 00:25:55,471 --> 00:25:57,807 Ewton. No, that's upside-down. 666 00:25:57,890 --> 00:25:59,016 It's still notme. 667 00:25:59,100 --> 00:26:00,820 - You should lock your screen, dude. - Yeah. 668 00:26:01,853 --> 00:26:03,312 - Where is Mike? - (Gary grunts) 669 00:26:03,396 --> 00:26:05,982 Where is that fat-faced, freckled fuck-it-up-agus, huh? 670 00:26:06,065 --> 00:26:09,110 Hiding in the bathroom, ma'am, making pretend diarrhea noises. 671 00:26:09,193 --> 00:26:11,195 I just can't believe that that second-hand muppet 672 00:26:11,279 --> 00:26:12,923 wrote an article that people actually read. 673 00:26:12,947 --> 00:26:15,783 Yeah, including Felix, who, by the way ma'am, moved you to table 47, 674 00:26:15,867 --> 00:26:17,410 along with his driver and his daughter. 675 00:26:17,493 --> 00:26:18,661 Selina: Oh... 676 00:26:18,745 --> 00:26:21,789 Okay, well, I guess I need to go and congratulate him now. 677 00:26:22,373 --> 00:26:24,542 I'm gonna choke him with that giant cock of his, 678 00:26:24,625 --> 00:26:26,043 - see how he likes it. - Ah. 679 00:26:26,794 --> 00:26:27,962 (Selina clears throat) 680 00:26:28,588 --> 00:26:30,298 - Hi there, Tom! - Hey. 681 00:26:30,381 --> 00:26:34,218 I heard you had a very busy afternoon working your staff to the bone. 682 00:26:34,302 --> 00:26:35,845 I'd ask what you did this afternoon, 683 00:26:35,928 --> 00:26:37,889 but I think I read something about that. 684 00:26:39,390 --> 00:26:41,684 Did Mrs. James send you to chaperone? 685 00:26:42,101 --> 00:26:43,144 - Oh, come... - Me? 686 00:26:43,227 --> 00:26:45,146 Because back in our old senate days, 687 00:26:45,229 --> 00:26:48,608 this one here had a real thing for blonde hill rats 688 00:26:48,691 --> 00:26:52,069 in nine west pumps desperate to fuck their way to the middle. 689 00:26:52,153 --> 00:26:54,033 - Oh, boy. - But that was a long time ago, so... 690 00:26:54,614 --> 00:26:57,325 You know what I'd love is a spicy mescal Margarita 691 00:26:57,408 --> 00:26:58,951 with light agave and heavy salt. 692 00:27:00,870 --> 00:27:02,246 What are you looking at him for? 693 00:27:02,872 --> 00:27:06,167 Ma'am, I'm the senator's deputy chief of staff. 694 00:27:06,250 --> 00:27:08,961 Congratulations. Then you probably won't fuck it up. 695 00:27:11,172 --> 00:27:12,173 - Okay. - (Chuckles) 696 00:27:13,299 --> 00:27:14,634 Oh! 697 00:27:14,717 --> 00:27:16,135 Oh, watch where you're goin'! 698 00:27:16,219 --> 00:27:17,699 - Sorry, madam president. - (Chuckles) 699 00:27:17,762 --> 00:27:20,640 - Light agave. Yes. - Yes, madam president. 700 00:27:20,723 --> 00:27:22,892 God, I feel so sorry 701 00:27:22,975 --> 00:27:26,270 for whoever's stickin' their dick in that bag of mayonnaise. 702 00:27:26,354 --> 00:27:28,189 - I'm gonna go find my seat. - Yeah. 703 00:27:28,272 --> 00:27:30,858 Well, give my regards to Felix and his checkbook. 704 00:27:30,942 --> 00:27:34,654 Sadly, I am not the recipient of Mr. Wade's munificence. 705 00:27:35,446 --> 00:27:36,447 What... 706 00:27:36,781 --> 00:27:39,575 Well, he sure as shit didn't pick me. 707 00:27:39,659 --> 00:27:41,911 - Oh, did he? - Felix: Have you met senator Talbot? 708 00:27:41,994 --> 00:27:45,248 I like to say she's the future of the party. I mean, look at her! 709 00:27:45,331 --> 00:27:47,375 Fuck me in the Aspen. 710 00:27:47,458 --> 00:27:49,377 She's running for president? 711 00:27:49,460 --> 00:27:51,212 I don't know what she is, but it's great. 712 00:27:51,295 --> 00:27:52,895 - It's great. So exciting. - It is great. 713 00:27:52,922 --> 00:27:54,757 - So exciting. - So exciting. 714 00:27:54,841 --> 00:27:57,385 The tri-racial twat stabbed me in the back! 715 00:27:58,386 --> 00:28:00,471 She really is your protégée. 716 00:28:01,639 --> 00:28:03,099 I'll see ya on the trail. 717 00:28:04,809 --> 00:28:06,286 Richard: It's so nice to be back home in Iowa. 718 00:28:06,310 --> 00:28:07,687 Place is a dump. 719 00:28:07,770 --> 00:28:10,314 New polls from New Hampshire. Seems you just left yesterday, 720 00:28:10,398 --> 00:28:11,858 but your numbers are already way up. 721 00:28:11,941 --> 00:28:13,126 - Jonah: Yeah? - Oh, wait. Actually... 722 00:28:13,150 --> 00:28:15,361 - Oh, yeah, that's right, way up. - Jonah: Oh, nice. 723 00:28:15,444 --> 00:28:17,324 Maybe I should just stop campaigning altogether. 724 00:28:17,363 --> 00:28:18,465 - Couldn't hurt. - Jonah: Oh, hey, 725 00:28:18,489 --> 00:28:19,716 there are some more boxes in the car. 726 00:28:19,740 --> 00:28:21,993 - Will you go grab those? - Yeah, I'm happy to. 727 00:28:22,076 --> 00:28:23,619 Oh, and remember, lift with your back. 728 00:28:23,703 --> 00:28:25,079 It's your legs. Legs. 729 00:28:25,162 --> 00:28:26,330 No, you lift with your back. 730 00:28:26,414 --> 00:28:28,666 - Oh, that's incorrect. - Okay, well... 731 00:28:28,749 --> 00:28:31,252 That could probably be the main cause of your scoliosis. 732 00:28:31,335 --> 00:28:32,461 I have scoliosis? 733 00:28:32,545 --> 00:28:34,005 Oh, yes. Clearly.