1 00:00:07,049 --> 00:00:08,509 Selina: It's just incredible. 2 00:00:08,593 --> 00:00:10,303 Gary: Hmm. Selina: "New selina." 3 00:00:10,386 --> 00:00:11,655 Men: "Now." 4 00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:12,889 Oh, it's perfect! 5 00:00:12,972 --> 00:00:14,599 I don't really get it, actually. 6 00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:15,993 Ma'am, we're so far ahead in the polls 7 00:00:16,017 --> 00:00:17,161 and you're not even running yet. 8 00:00:17,185 --> 00:00:18,644 Sheila couldn't agree more. 9 00:00:18,728 --> 00:00:20,247 - Hey, Kent's dating again. - Selina: Oh. 10 00:00:20,271 --> 00:00:22,273 No, Sheila is my predictive computer model 11 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:23,667 - for election results. - Selina: No. No. 12 00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:25,193 Strategic hypermetric electoral 13 00:00:25,276 --> 00:00:26,876 - interactive logistical algorithm. - No. 14 00:00:26,903 --> 00:00:28,029 - I don't want nuts. - Ah. 15 00:00:28,154 --> 00:00:30,406 I like her more than I like the deaf girl. 16 00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:33,075 - Whatever happened to her? - The police have no leads. 17 00:00:33,159 --> 00:00:35,345 - Gary: All right, here you go, ma'am. - I still need my speech. 18 00:00:35,369 --> 00:00:37,413 - It's printing, ma'am. - Amy, are you there? 19 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:38,873 We're all ready for you, ma'am. 20 00:00:39,415 --> 00:00:41,542 Hey! Sweatpants! You can't just walk out. 21 00:00:41,626 --> 00:00:43,377 This isn't a Terrence malick movie. Sit. 22 00:00:43,461 --> 00:00:46,464 All right, quiet, everyone. Mommy's reading. 23 00:00:46,547 --> 00:00:49,091 Dan: Okay, the network's been properly fluffed. 24 00:00:49,175 --> 00:00:50,652 Told 'em to expect a surprise announcement 25 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,362 without telling 'em that she's surprise-announcing. 26 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:54,639 Maybe after the announcement we can finally sit down. 27 00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,807 There's still a lot to talk about. 28 00:00:56,891 --> 00:00:58,309 We talk plenty, Amy. 29 00:00:58,392 --> 00:00:59,810 No, not you, ma'am. 30 00:00:59,894 --> 00:01:03,356 - I was talking about the... - What? 31 00:01:03,439 --> 00:01:05,066 Jesus, I thought you sent that thing 32 00:01:05,191 --> 00:01:06,911 to the 7-Eleven dumpster in the sky already. 33 00:01:06,984 --> 00:01:09,904 It's just we've been so busy with the campaign. I don't wanna... 34 00:01:09,987 --> 00:01:12,341 Waitin' for the thing to get into fucking college? What are you doing? 35 00:01:12,365 --> 00:01:13,616 -Okay, Leon, -yeah? 36 00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:15,326 I'm still... I'm not sure about this part 37 00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:18,704 where I say I wanna be president for all Americans. 38 00:01:18,788 --> 00:01:21,540 - I mean, do I? You know? All of them? - Gary: Mmm-mmm. 39 00:01:21,624 --> 00:01:24,627 - How about "real Americans"? - Oh, yeah, that's good. 40 00:01:24,710 --> 00:01:26,837 And then we can figure out what I mean later. 41 00:01:26,921 --> 00:01:29,131 Ma'am, I don't have a copy of the speech. 42 00:01:29,215 --> 00:01:30,442 Okay, I don't know what she's saying, 43 00:01:30,466 --> 00:01:31,777 so, here. 44 00:01:31,801 --> 00:01:34,303 Ma'am, the voters need to know clearly 45 00:01:34,387 --> 00:01:36,305 and definitively why you want to be president. 46 00:01:36,389 --> 00:01:37,390 In your own words. 47 00:01:37,473 --> 00:01:39,153 If you want me to use my own goddamn words, 48 00:01:39,183 --> 00:01:41,263 - then write me something to say. Okay? - Yes, ma'am. 49 00:01:41,310 --> 00:01:43,229 Oh, and take out the stuff about immigration 50 00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:44,915 'cause I feel like it's a little too issue-y. 51 00:01:44,939 --> 00:01:45,940 Leon: Okay. 52 00:01:51,195 --> 00:01:53,531 Hello, Iowa! 53 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,492 - I'm... - Selina meyer. 54 00:01:56,575 --> 00:01:58,895 - Wait a minute. Where is everyone? - Maybe they're hiding. 55 00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:00,830 Selina: What... 56 00:02:00,913 --> 00:02:02,248 Amy? Where are you? 57 00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:03,666 At the airport. Where are you? 58 00:02:03,749 --> 00:02:05,227 I mean, there's only one fuckin' runway! 59 00:02:05,251 --> 00:02:07,128 Selina: I'm at the airport! We just landed! 60 00:02:07,211 --> 00:02:09,922 - That's not possible. - Right now I'm standing here, 61 00:02:10,006 --> 00:02:12,091 with my dick in my hand, 62 00:02:12,174 --> 00:02:14,677 in cedar falls, Iowa! 63 00:02:14,760 --> 00:02:18,306 - Ma'am, we're in cedar rapids. - No! 64 00:02:18,389 --> 00:02:21,726 - This is supposed to be new selina! - Now! 65 00:02:30,359 --> 00:02:31,986 If Mohammed atta 66 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:34,113 had you people booking his travel, 67 00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:36,073 he'd still be alive today. 68 00:02:36,157 --> 00:02:37,616 Which from his perspective, 69 00:02:37,700 --> 00:02:41,537 would be a massive fuck-up. 70 00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:42,973 Kent: Yeah, it didn't go very well. 71 00:02:42,997 --> 00:02:44,457 - Ya think? - Dan: Ma 'am, fyi, 72 00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:45,916 we're tracking a school shooting 73 00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:47,418 in spokane, Washington. 74 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,253 - Muslim or white guy? - Don't know yet. 75 00:02:49,337 --> 00:02:50,814 - Which is better for me? - White guy. 76 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:51,839 Fingers crossed. 77 00:02:51,922 --> 00:02:54,967 Okay, guys, what happened at the airport today 78 00:02:55,051 --> 00:02:57,511 can never, ever happen again. 79 00:02:57,595 --> 00:03:01,223 And so, as such, I have had a... okay. 80 00:03:01,307 --> 00:03:03,392 I have had Amy prepare 81 00:03:03,476 --> 00:03:06,020 a full autopsy of the last campaign 82 00:03:06,103 --> 00:03:07,897 to specifically identify 83 00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:09,982 problem areas within the organization. 84 00:03:10,066 --> 00:03:11,609 - Gary: Hmm. - Okay? So, Amy? 85 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:12,693 Thank you, ma'am. 86 00:03:12,777 --> 00:03:15,237 I have put together a summary list 87 00:03:15,321 --> 00:03:17,615 of what I discovered were the most egregious 88 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:19,343 - flaws in our organization. - I said this already. 89 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:20,576 This is what I just said. 90 00:03:20,659 --> 00:03:21,660 - Ben: Yeah. - Great. 91 00:03:22,912 --> 00:03:24,121 First and foremost, 92 00:03:24,205 --> 00:03:26,749 there was a reluctance on the part of the candidate 93 00:03:26,832 --> 00:03:28,334 to take responsibility for mistakes. 94 00:03:28,417 --> 00:03:30,294 What? No, you were the one that made mistakes. 95 00:03:30,378 --> 00:03:32,004 What else? Go on. 96 00:03:32,088 --> 00:03:34,131 Uh, second, there was a culture of blame 97 00:03:34,215 --> 00:03:36,675 which made people feel unsafe expressing criticisms. 98 00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:38,427 What dumb asshole said that? 99 00:03:38,511 --> 00:03:41,222 Number three, an unwillingness to actually discuss strategies 100 00:03:41,305 --> 00:03:42,991 - and share ideas with campaign staff. - Okay, yeah. 101 00:03:43,015 --> 00:03:44,695 - Four... - All right, autopsy is now over. 102 00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:46,102 Forget about it. Oh, my... 103 00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:47,686 How many pages is this, 500? 104 00:03:47,770 --> 00:03:49,897 How about I write 500 pages 105 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:51,982 about how you need to start wearing concealer? 106 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:53,692 All right. 107 00:03:53,776 --> 00:03:55,003 Ames, can I get a copy of that? 108 00:03:55,027 --> 00:03:58,614 Guys, this is not going to be a repeat of my last campaign. 109 00:03:58,697 --> 00:03:59,782 I am new selina. 110 00:03:59,865 --> 00:04:01,033 - Now. - Exactly. 111 00:04:01,117 --> 00:04:03,577 So I'm gonna shake things up. I'm gonna hire Keith Quinn. 112 00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:05,871 Well, he's already doing oppo for kapoor's people. 113 00:04:05,955 --> 00:04:07,235 Then offer him campaign manager. 114 00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:08,809 I thought I was your campaign manager. 115 00:04:08,833 --> 00:04:10,334 I thought I was going to cedar falls. 116 00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:12,086 - Cedar rapids. - Marjorie: Ma'am, we have 117 00:04:12,169 --> 00:04:13,814 another candidate announcing for president. 118 00:04:13,838 --> 00:04:16,438 Oh. All right, well, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say white guy. 119 00:04:17,299 --> 00:04:19,176 I was reminded of another innovator 120 00:04:19,260 --> 00:04:21,554 by the name of Jesus Christ. 121 00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:22,638 Thank you. 122 00:04:22,721 --> 00:04:24,473 Two wheelchair guys behind him? 123 00:04:24,557 --> 00:04:26,767 What, we didn't get the point with the first one? 124 00:04:26,851 --> 00:04:29,121 - I got it. - One wheelchair guy, good for you, 125 00:04:29,145 --> 00:04:31,206 two wheelchair guys, shame on me. 126 00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:33,941 Okay, Keith fucking Quinn? Are you kiddin' me? 127 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:36,753 I heard the last campaign that guy joined, he had the entire staff fired. 128 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:37,987 I knew she'd cut my balls off, 129 00:04:38,070 --> 00:04:40,114 I just thought it would be after we lost Iowa. 130 00:04:40,197 --> 00:04:42,116 Huh. Campaign's ahead of schedule. 131 00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:44,368 Ma'am, the meyer fund is now completely wrapped up, 132 00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:46,245 but there were some accounting issues 133 00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:47,580 that didn't resolve cleanly. 134 00:04:47,663 --> 00:04:49,057 All right, but that's Andrew's department, 135 00:04:49,081 --> 00:04:50,458 so you could just give him a call. 136 00:04:50,541 --> 00:04:52,978 His cell phone number now seems to belong to a Portuguese gentleman. 137 00:04:53,002 --> 00:04:54,771 Leon: Ma'am, your non-announcement this morning 138 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:57,923 has given us an excellent opportunity to fix your speech. 139 00:04:58,007 --> 00:05:00,301 - Why do you want to be president? - Leon, I've got this. 140 00:05:00,384 --> 00:05:02,344 It's all in my head, so just don't worry about it. 141 00:05:02,428 --> 00:05:03,637 Sorry. 142 00:05:04,180 --> 00:05:05,973 Why would you want to be president? 143 00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:08,976 - As the child of a native American... - Okay, I get the gist. 144 00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:11,854 Is little Richard ready to go and meet some voters? 145 00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:14,690 Mom, you can't keep using our baby as a campaign prop. 146 00:05:14,773 --> 00:05:16,692 It's just a few more months in Iowa... 147 00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:18,128 And then we're gonna 148 00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:20,321 Hide him when we get to New Hampshire. 149 00:05:20,404 --> 00:05:21,444 No, no crying. 150 00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:24,158 Mom, you cannot tell the baby "n-o." 151 00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:26,202 "N-o" is a negative rejoinder. 152 00:05:26,285 --> 00:05:29,038 We don't want to constrain little Richard developmentally... 153 00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:31,641 What are you supposed to say then when the baby is being an asshole? 154 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:32,666 For instance. 155 00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:34,550 You're supposed to say, "that's not our plan." 156 00:05:34,585 --> 00:05:36,045 I don't even know where to start. 157 00:05:36,128 --> 00:05:38,506 - Well, child services is a good place. - All right... 158 00:05:38,589 --> 00:05:41,467 Here. Take... go back to mommy number one 159 00:05:41,550 --> 00:05:42,903 or two or whatever. 160 00:05:42,927 --> 00:05:45,221 Catherine is mama, and I'm mom-mom. 161 00:05:45,304 --> 00:05:48,265 You didn't want to go with mommy and agent palmiotti? 162 00:05:48,349 --> 00:05:49,808 So sorry. 163 00:05:49,892 --> 00:05:51,252 Catherine. 164 00:05:51,769 --> 00:05:53,979 Okay... 165 00:05:54,063 --> 00:05:55,499 I'm sorry about that, gam-gam, ma'am. 166 00:05:55,523 --> 00:05:57,816 Catherine's been suffering from postpartum depression. 167 00:05:57,900 --> 00:06:00,528 - How can you tell? - Well, the haircut. 168 00:06:00,611 --> 00:06:01,820 It's been tough on both of us. 169 00:06:02,154 --> 00:06:04,198 - Particularly on our sex life. - Gary: Okay. 170 00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:06,843 - I've gotta get out of here. - We still enjoy sex in the mornings, 171 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,453 but in the evenings, hardly ever. And rarely penetrative. 172 00:06:09,537 --> 00:06:10,996 - _amy? - Ooh, Amy. 173 00:06:11,080 --> 00:06:12,081 - Selina: Amy. - Mmm-hmm? 174 00:06:12,665 --> 00:06:14,458 I, uh, just had to get away from 175 00:06:14,542 --> 00:06:16,001 "blue is the most annoying color." 176 00:06:16,085 --> 00:06:18,796 CNN has the current spokane death toll at six. 177 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,089 - Leon! - Yes. 178 00:06:20,172 --> 00:06:21,632 Okay, I need a statement. Spokane. 179 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,515 - Standard thoughts and prayers? - Bull's-eye. 180 00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:25,052 - Ma'am, the speech? - I know. 181 00:06:25,135 --> 00:06:28,222 Amy, why would you want to be president? 182 00:06:28,305 --> 00:06:30,307 - So I can nuke america. - Gary: Mmm-hmm. 183 00:06:30,391 --> 00:06:32,285 - That's actually not bad. - Pretty good, actually. 184 00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:34,687 I love you, New Hampshire! 185 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:37,273 And that's why I'm skipping the Iowa caucus. 186 00:06:37,356 --> 00:06:39,567 Because I want you, my home state, 187 00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:40,901 to pick the next president, 188 00:06:40,985 --> 00:06:44,196 and not because my polls are low there. 189 00:06:44,280 --> 00:06:46,824 And just wait until you see how we juice the economy 190 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:49,201 with my new seven-eight-nine tax plan. 191 00:06:49,285 --> 00:06:51,745 No, it's nine-eight-seven tax plan. 192 00:06:51,829 --> 00:06:53,622 It's 9% sales tax... 193 00:06:53,706 --> 00:06:55,559 The candidate thinks it's funnier that way. Wait for it. 194 00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:57,042 Why was six afraid of seven? 195 00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:02,548 Because of my seven-eight-nine tax plan. 196 00:07:04,842 --> 00:07:07,011 You know what I always thought the funniest number was? 197 00:07:07,094 --> 00:07:08,804 Eleven. 198 00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:10,198 Did you guys know that I got married? 199 00:07:10,222 --> 00:07:12,641 Who wants to meet my brand-new smokin'hot wife, Beth? 200 00:07:12,725 --> 00:07:14,286 Beth, come on out here. 201 00:07:14,310 --> 00:07:16,478 This is my wife. And my stepson, Clay. 202 00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:18,397 Clay, come on up here. 203 00:07:19,398 --> 00:07:20,834 - Go ahead, say something. - Oh, no, thank you. 204 00:07:20,858 --> 00:07:22,127 Yeah, no, you have to. They'd love it. 205 00:07:22,151 --> 00:07:23,819 You have to. 206 00:07:23,902 --> 00:07:26,071 - Look at how hot she is! - Jonie! 207 00:07:26,155 --> 00:07:28,407 - Yeah, I get sprung. - Oh, gosh! 208 00:07:28,490 --> 00:07:30,284 Thank you all so much. 209 00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:32,578 My jonie, he just swept me off my feet. 210 00:07:32,661 --> 00:07:35,372 And I know that when he's elected president, 211 00:07:35,456 --> 00:07:38,959 he's gonna sweep all of the dirt out of Washington, so... 212 00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,521 We're just gonna need to find a broom 213 00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:43,797 that's tall enough for him. 214 00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:45,924 Jonah: I just want to make it clear 215 00:07:46,008 --> 00:07:47,968 - that she does do all the housework. - I do. 216 00:07:48,052 --> 00:07:49,571 Thank you, New Hampshire, thank you for coming. 217 00:07:49,595 --> 00:07:50,888 Thank you! 218 00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:54,767 The wife is really helpful. 219 00:07:54,850 --> 00:07:56,769 She humanizes him, if that were possible. 220 00:07:56,852 --> 00:07:58,604 Like sunglasses on a dog. 221 00:07:58,687 --> 00:08:00,230 His favorabilities are up 11%. 222 00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:01,940 Hilarious. 223 00:08:02,024 --> 00:08:03,904 That bump could carry us right to super Tuesday. 224 00:08:03,942 --> 00:08:05,527 - Richard: Uh-oh. - Stay away from us. 225 00:08:05,611 --> 00:08:06,820 You're lucky my wife is here, 226 00:08:06,904 --> 00:08:08,530 or I'd give you a berserker beatdown 227 00:08:08,614 --> 00:08:11,241 and I would wipe my ass with that dumb-looking cardigan. 228 00:08:11,325 --> 00:08:12,660 It's a sweater-vest. 229 00:08:12,743 --> 00:08:14,203 Teddy: What the hell was that? 230 00:08:14,286 --> 00:08:16,765 I thought you'd gotten a handle on the screaming-at-random-seniors thing. 231 00:08:16,789 --> 00:08:19,291 Oh, what, my ex-stepdad? That guy's such a douche nark. 232 00:08:19,375 --> 00:08:20,626 That's your stepfather? 233 00:08:20,709 --> 00:08:22,586 Yeah, he thinks he can just come down here 234 00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:25,964 and bask in my meteoric success just because he's my wife's dad? 235 00:08:26,048 --> 00:08:28,300 Wait, I'm... so, he's your wife's dad. 236 00:08:28,384 --> 00:08:30,052 You said he was your stepdad. 237 00:08:30,135 --> 00:08:31,215 Yeah, Beth's my stepsister. 238 00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:32,346 Did you guys not know that? 239 00:08:35,391 --> 00:08:37,351 Both: Oh, no. 240 00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:38,602 - Oh, no, no. - No. 241 00:08:38,686 --> 00:08:41,063 Yeah, her dad married my mom for like a year when I was 11. 242 00:08:41,146 --> 00:08:43,565 You're killing me, sir. 243 00:08:43,649 --> 00:08:45,067 Look, the point is, he's a dick. 244 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,568 He gave me a d in math 245 00:08:46,652 --> 00:08:48,404 because I have dyslexia, but for numbers. 246 00:08:48,487 --> 00:08:51,031 And he forced us to go on all these family vacations 247 00:08:51,115 --> 00:08:52,408 to stupid Hawaii. 248 00:08:52,491 --> 00:08:53,992 - Which island? - The big one. 249 00:08:54,076 --> 00:08:56,412 Did you do no oppo research 250 00:08:56,495 --> 00:08:58,414 on our own candidate? How did this not come up? 251 00:08:58,497 --> 00:08:59,766 The same reason it didn't come up 252 00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:01,875 that he moisturizes with minotaur semen! 253 00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:03,937 It's not one of the standard questions that you ask! 254 00:09:03,961 --> 00:09:05,397 I don't know what the big deal is here. 255 00:09:05,421 --> 00:09:07,423 It's not like Beth and I did anything, 256 00:09:07,506 --> 00:09:10,300 unless you count her walking in while I was whackin' off all the time. 257 00:09:10,384 --> 00:09:11,593 I wish I was still in prison. 258 00:09:11,677 --> 00:09:13,429 Are you kidding me? 259 00:09:13,512 --> 00:09:15,305 You 80-story sky raper! 260 00:09:15,389 --> 00:09:16,724 Excuse me, Teddy. 261 00:09:16,974 --> 00:09:19,435 May I speak to you over here for a moment? 262 00:09:19,518 --> 00:09:21,228 Now? Thank you. 263 00:09:24,106 --> 00:09:25,566 Teddy, we talked about this. 264 00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:27,609 - I'm sorry, sir. - The only reason you were hired 265 00:09:27,693 --> 00:09:31,029 is because Mr. Tanz told me you were the best, and because... 266 00:09:31,113 --> 00:09:33,699 Because of my court-ordered chemical castration. 267 00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,617 That's right. 268 00:09:35,701 --> 00:09:37,494 This doin' anything for you? 269 00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:39,496 Right there? You like that? 270 00:09:39,580 --> 00:09:41,707 Not even a little tickle? Not even a little move? 271 00:09:41,790 --> 00:09:44,144 - Jonie, you ready to head home? - Look, Jesus, Beth, I'm working! 272 00:09:44,168 --> 00:09:46,545 Someone gets so cranky when he doesn't eat. 273 00:09:46,628 --> 00:09:47,880 You're cranky. 274 00:09:47,963 --> 00:09:49,590 - I have goldfish. - Thank you. 275 00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:51,925 - I have string cheese, too... - I want goldfish. 276 00:09:52,009 --> 00:09:54,678 - Can I have some? - No. Get your own. 277 00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:57,306 Selina: Well, it is such an honor to be here in... 278 00:09:57,389 --> 00:10:00,768 - Gary: Lurlene. - Um, lurlene, and to shake hands 279 00:10:00,851 --> 00:10:02,811 - with mayor, um... biscuit. - Gary: Biscuit. 280 00:10:02,895 --> 00:10:04,855 Gosh. I didn't have my breakfast this morning, 281 00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:07,149 I will admit, so that makes me quite hungry. 282 00:10:09,318 --> 00:10:11,737 And I'll tell ya something, um, it's not the... 283 00:10:11,820 --> 00:10:14,448 No, I don't want this... The first time in politics 284 00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:16,283 that I've had to shake hands 285 00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:17,927 with a complete dog. 286 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:19,953 Madam president, how do you respond to people 287 00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:21,914 sick and tired of politicians offering nothing 288 00:10:21,997 --> 00:10:25,083 but "thoughts and prayers" when it comes to mass shootings? 289 00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:28,837 Um, well, uh... 290 00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:33,717 My heart goes out to the families of the victims, 291 00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:37,346 and I want to offer them my, uh... um... 292 00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:39,014 Mindfulness -Gary: Mmm. 293 00:10:39,097 --> 00:10:42,142 And, uh, meditations... 294 00:10:42,226 --> 00:10:44,978 - Unto the lord, on their behalf... - Gary: Mmm. 295 00:10:45,062 --> 00:10:47,165 - Mike mclintock. Buzzfeed magazine... - Selina: I know who you are. 296 00:10:47,189 --> 00:10:48,816 - Print edition... - Okay. 297 00:10:48,899 --> 00:10:50,984 - Madam president. Now, will... - Yes. 298 00:10:51,068 --> 00:10:52,069 Sorry, this is a menu. 299 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,338 -Selina: All right -hold on a second. 300 00:10:53,362 --> 00:10:54,798 Great question, Mike. Uh, that's all the time 301 00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:55,882 - we have, folks. - Selina: Yeah. 302 00:10:55,906 --> 00:10:57,634 The president looks foward to continuing to meet with 303 00:10:57,658 --> 00:10:59,636 the good people of Iowa as she contemplates the future. 304 00:10:59,660 --> 00:11:01,179 - Thank you so much, everybody. - Thank you. 305 00:11:01,203 --> 00:11:02,788 Mike, I really need you to post 306 00:11:02,871 --> 00:11:04,373 at least 10 pieces a day to the site. 307 00:11:04,456 --> 00:11:06,656 You know, when you say "a day," do you mean a day a day? 308 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:15,801 - Mike. Workin' for the enemy, huh? - Yeah. My new gig. 309 00:11:15,884 --> 00:11:18,095 - It's really nice to see you, Mike. - Yeah. 310 00:11:19,888 --> 00:11:22,099 I've been meaning to email ya. 311 00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:24,726 Google always filters out my emails, they think I'm a bot. 312 00:11:24,810 --> 00:11:28,063 Yeah. Well, Ellen's doin' good. She's learnin' mandarin. 313 00:11:28,146 --> 00:11:30,607 You know, we night even adopt another, uh, kid. 314 00:11:30,691 --> 00:11:32,150 "Lurlene." I mean... 315 00:11:32,234 --> 00:11:34,611 Even the name sounds like it's on meth. 316 00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:37,948 Who in their right mind would live in this ashtray's anus? 317 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,791 Well, me. I was lucky enough to be born here. 318 00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:41,577 What? You are from lurlene? 319 00:11:41,660 --> 00:11:43,638 I just didn't want to brag. "Boasters are roasters," 320 00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:45,139 my grandma splett would always say. 321 00:11:45,163 --> 00:11:46,999 She had a form of rhyming dementia. 322 00:11:47,082 --> 00:11:48,876 It's called lyndrome syndrome. 323 00:11:48,959 --> 00:11:50,961 - Really? - I'll bet she made that up. 324 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:54,631 Oh, okay. It's showtime at the baby Apollo. Let's go. 325 00:11:54,715 --> 00:11:56,717 Hey, Richard, is chocolate bad for dogs? 326 00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:58,927 - Oh, no, not bad. Deadly. - Okay. What? 327 00:11:59,011 --> 00:12:00,512 Hello, lurlene. 328 00:12:01,722 --> 00:12:03,891 Richard, you can't keep working on both campaigns. 329 00:12:03,974 --> 00:12:05,851 But they're both equally good people. 330 00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:07,814 Isn't there some way they can both be president? 331 00:12:07,853 --> 00:12:08,854 Fortunately, no. 332 00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:10,898 No! Little Richard, don't pull mommy's hair. 333 00:12:10,981 --> 00:12:12,357 "That's not our plan," mother. 334 00:12:12,441 --> 00:12:13,984 All right, fine. Here. Take it. 335 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,338 Reporter: Madam president, will you be announcing your candidacy today? 336 00:12:17,362 --> 00:12:19,323 No. I mean, that's not our plan. 337 00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:21,033 What? You're not planning on running? 338 00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:26,747 I've always been a big fan of selina meyer's, 339 00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:28,057 but it's time for some new blood. 340 00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,791 Is this what I came to Iowa for? 341 00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,811 - It's everywhere, ma'am. - Well, except buzzfeed. 342 00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:34,212 They led with the story about the dog mayor in a coma. 343 00:12:34,296 --> 00:12:36,296 - Oh, my gosh. - Ma'am, please don't make Catherine 344 00:12:36,340 --> 00:12:38,759 feel any worse than she already does. She's suffering from... 345 00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:42,179 - I know. Postpartum depression. - Catherine has postpartum depression? 346 00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,741 - I didn't notice anything. - I thought she was in a good mood. 347 00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:46,925 Ma'am, we have to announce immediately to counter this. 348 00:12:46,975 --> 00:12:48,769 Why not announce at the statue of Liberty? 349 00:12:48,852 --> 00:12:50,496 - You love standing next to ugly women. - Yes! 350 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:53,774 Okay, call senator Talbot, see if she can introduce me. 351 00:12:53,857 --> 00:12:55,335 'Cause we could use the color, don't ya think? 352 00:12:55,359 --> 00:12:56,944 Could I get a quote for my article? 353 00:12:57,027 --> 00:12:59,112 God damn it, what is Mike doing in here? 354 00:12:59,196 --> 00:13:02,449 And why does he have a good idea now that he's not working for us? 355 00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:04,636 Does anybody have time to sit for an interview real quick? 356 00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:06,536 - A blurbicle? - No. Get out of here. 357 00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:09,539 I'll go announce at a white supremacist compound if I have to. 358 00:13:09,623 --> 00:13:11,291 There gotta be tons of them around here. 359 00:13:11,375 --> 00:13:13,710 Ma'am, you're thinking of Idaho. Iowa is mostly meth labs. 360 00:13:13,794 --> 00:13:15,837 Well, that's mainlyjust a difference in branding. 361 00:13:15,921 --> 00:13:19,091 Selina: Uh-oh, there's our new leader. Ben: Keith Quinn in da house! 362 00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:22,511 Selina: Okay, well, screw your wigs on tight, team dipshit, 363 00:13:22,594 --> 00:13:25,931 you're about to see how a campaign is really... 364 00:13:27,224 --> 00:13:29,434 - No, that's not him. - Amy: What do you mean? 365 00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:31,078 - I mean that's not him. - It's not him. 366 00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:33,647 - That's Keith Quinn. - No, that is not Keith Quinn. 367 00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:35,065 - Not him. - Ma'am, it is him. 368 00:13:35,148 --> 00:13:37,025 I thought Keith Quinn was someone else! 369 00:13:37,109 --> 00:13:39,361 - Someone else. - It is not my job 370 00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:42,698 to know what Keith Quinn does or does not look like! 371 00:13:42,781 --> 00:13:44,491 - Amy... - Dan: Ma'am, look who's here. 372 00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:45,909 - Keith! - Yes! 373 00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:48,161 - Keith Quinn! - That's me! 374 00:13:48,245 --> 00:13:51,039 And I'm so just amazed to see you. 375 00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:52,558 I was shocked to get the call to come here. 376 00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:54,584 - I bet. - But so happy. 377 00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:57,087 I want, uh, Kent to show you where your office is. 378 00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:58,606 - Oh, sure. - It's gonna be right next to mine. 379 00:13:58,630 --> 00:13:59,840 I hope that's okay with you. 380 00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:02,026 Where else would it be? I'm the campaign manager, right? 381 00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:03,927 Yeah. 382 00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:06,346 And I want you to whip everybody into shape. 383 00:14:07,973 --> 00:14:10,058 - Okay... good. - Brought all my whips! 384 00:14:10,142 --> 00:14:12,644 But let me just say thank you so much. 385 00:14:12,728 --> 00:14:15,355 - Oh... - This is a really big step up for me. 386 00:14:15,439 --> 00:14:17,190 Oh... oh... 387 00:14:17,274 --> 00:14:19,043 - Right this way, Mr. Quinn. - Welcome, welcome, welcome! 388 00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:21,445 Thank you! Fire him. 389 00:14:21,528 --> 00:14:22,946 He's deader than democracy, ma'am. 390 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:25,824 Wait a minute. No! The press cannot know 391 00:14:25,907 --> 00:14:27,409 that we've made another mistake. 392 00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:29,411 I'm so sorry. What's happening? 393 00:14:29,494 --> 00:14:31,079 Amy hired the wrong guy. 394 00:14:31,163 --> 00:14:32,873 So who's running the campaign? 395 00:14:32,956 --> 00:14:34,583 - Keith Quinn, obviously, Amy. - Okay. 396 00:14:34,666 --> 00:14:37,377 But he cannot know that I've never seen him before 397 00:14:37,461 --> 00:14:39,004 in my entire life! 398 00:14:39,087 --> 00:14:40,630 So everyone's gonna report to Ben, 399 00:14:40,714 --> 00:14:42,716 he's gonna be the secret campaign manager. 400 00:14:42,799 --> 00:14:44,760 Congratulations, Mr. Cafferty. 401 00:14:44,843 --> 00:14:48,305 My thoughts and prayers go out to the good people of spokane. 402 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:49,848 What happened today was a tragedy. 403 00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:51,850 But here is the hard truth, 404 00:14:51,933 --> 00:14:54,144 sometimes hotshot lacrosse players 405 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:57,439 who think they own the cafeteria can bring this on themselves. 406 00:14:57,522 --> 00:14:59,816 Congressman, will your wife be joining you today? 407 00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:01,318 Uh, no, not today. Just me. 408 00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:03,761 Will she be joining you at the senior center this afternoon? 409 00:15:03,820 --> 00:15:07,115 No, so stop asking questions about my wife. It's not like I murdered her. 410 00:15:07,199 --> 00:15:08,959 - Is your wife okay? - Look, I challenge you. 411 00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:11,471 Go ahead. Try to find one thing that's wrong with my marriage. 412 00:15:11,495 --> 00:15:13,830 Send out your top guys, have 'em follow me around. 413 00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:16,267 - Did you marry your stepsister? - God damn it. Who told you? 414 00:15:16,291 --> 00:15:18,835 Is Beth hennick's father your stepfather, Lloyd hennick? 415 00:15:18,919 --> 00:15:21,338 - I married my half-sister. - Teddy: No, stepsister! 416 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,256 Whichever one, when I bone her 417 00:15:23,340 --> 00:15:25,467 she doesn't give birth to a pile of legs or whatever. 418 00:15:25,550 --> 00:15:27,344 You know what? If you wanna attack somebody, 419 00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,804 attack my cousin Ezra. 420 00:15:28,887 --> 00:15:30,722 He's the one who fingered her in high school. 421 00:15:30,806 --> 00:15:33,266 We wanna thank the firefighters, the real heroes! 422 00:15:33,350 --> 00:15:35,602 Sophie: Amy, iput off getting an abortion once, 423 00:15:35,685 --> 00:15:36,812 and now I've got Joaquin. 424 00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:38,247 I thought if I just talked to Dan, then... 425 00:15:38,271 --> 00:15:39,272 Shh! 426 00:15:39,981 --> 00:15:42,651 Fuck my parents! I thought Kent snapped. 427 00:15:42,818 --> 00:15:44,569 - Not today. - Staff meeting. 428 00:15:44,653 --> 00:15:46,005 Why can't we do it in the conference room? 429 00:15:46,029 --> 00:15:47,948 Because, Amy, your hire, Keith Quinn, 430 00:15:48,031 --> 00:15:50,909 is in the conference room having what he thinks is a staff meeting, 431 00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:53,054 but we're actually having the real staff meeting in here. 432 00:15:53,078 --> 00:15:54,746 - Meyer for president. - Oh, boy. 433 00:15:54,830 --> 00:15:56,665 I really thought my 50s would be about me 434 00:15:56,748 --> 00:15:58,893 fuckin' and suckin' my way through the shorenstein center. 435 00:15:58,917 --> 00:16:00,770 - You and me both, ma'am. - Dan: Ma'am, we need to pick 436 00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:02,129 a location for your announcement. 437 00:16:02,212 --> 00:16:03,588 Can you text Gary, please? 438 00:16:03,672 --> 00:16:05,358 He's been gone for an hour. I need that smoothie. 439 00:16:05,382 --> 00:16:06,383 Yeah. 440 00:16:06,466 --> 00:16:07,801 - Ma'am, I've got it. - Okay. 441 00:16:07,884 --> 00:16:09,761 We do your announcement where you historically 442 00:16:09,845 --> 00:16:12,514 announced your first run for the presidency nine years ago. 443 00:16:13,974 --> 00:16:15,475 Susan b. Anthony's birthplace? 444 00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:16,977 - Oh. - I love it. 445 00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:18,812 - What is in this? - Bourbon and smartwater. 446 00:16:18,895 --> 00:16:20,313 Woman, hero, suffragette, 447 00:16:20,397 --> 00:16:22,399 bringing the selina meyer story full circle. 448 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:24,901 - Marjorie: Yes. - You know what? I kinda love it. 449 00:16:24,985 --> 00:16:26,879 - Okay, we'll figure it out in the air. - Selina: Yeah, yes. 450 00:16:26,903 --> 00:16:28,214 - And not a word of this leaks. - No. 451 00:16:28,238 --> 00:16:29,423 - Did you text Gary? - Dan: I did. 452 00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:32,450 There was a shooting at a home depot and they closed the interstate. 453 00:16:32,534 --> 00:16:34,161 Jesus, Mary and jamba juice! 454 00:16:34,244 --> 00:16:35,829 I really wanted that smoothie. 455 00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:37,640 - I know you did. - Hey! Where's everybody goin'? 456 00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:40,000 She loves what you're doing. Just keep on crackin'. 457 00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:42,794 Okay. 458 00:16:42,878 --> 00:16:45,172 Oh, hey, I'm still waitin' on that Wi-Fi password. 459 00:16:45,255 --> 00:16:47,424 I haven't eaten all day. 460 00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,193 Mike: Ma'am, any comment on the latest shooting? 461 00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:50,594 Selina: It's an absolute outrage. 462 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,470 I mean, frankly, somebody needs to do 463 00:16:52,554 --> 00:16:53,889 something about these shootings 464 00:16:53,972 --> 00:16:56,641 because I cannot take any more of this. 465 00:16:56,725 --> 00:16:58,685 Powerful words. 466 00:17:03,648 --> 00:17:06,610 Check this out. Connecting rooms. 467 00:17:07,986 --> 00:17:09,422 Well, they got me bunkin' with Gary. 468 00:17:09,446 --> 00:17:10,965 You should see all of selina's dresses in here. 469 00:17:10,989 --> 00:17:12,532 At least I hope they're hers. 470 00:17:12,616 --> 00:17:13,992 I'm thinking of having this baby, 471 00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:15,952 and I'm not asking anything of you, 472 00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:17,513 literally nothing, but I do want the baby 473 00:17:17,537 --> 00:17:18,681 to know that you're the father. 474 00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:20,290 But I don't want your last name 475 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,083 because I've always loved the name meagan 476 00:17:22,167 --> 00:17:23,436 and I don't want people to think 477 00:17:23,460 --> 00:17:25,086 that I was going for mee-gan ee-gan 478 00:17:25,170 --> 00:17:26,856 because that sounds like someone who gets ass-fucked 479 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,590 on the major Deegan in a limerick. 480 00:17:30,842 --> 00:17:31,843 Whoa. 481 00:17:33,303 --> 00:17:35,096 I like the name meagan, too. 482 00:17:36,890 --> 00:17:39,684 Although the Deegan's always congested. So... 483 00:17:39,768 --> 00:17:42,687 Yeah, the cross Bronx is much better for butt stuff. 484 00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:46,233 Okay, well, just sleep on it, or whatever. 485 00:17:46,316 --> 00:17:48,068 - Okay, good night, Dan. - Night, Amy... 486 00:17:49,653 --> 00:17:50,946 - Gary: Ugh. - Oh! 487 00:17:51,029 --> 00:17:53,865 Why do I have to tell people why I want to be president? 488 00:17:53,949 --> 00:17:56,034 I mean, I don't want to hear about their jobs. 489 00:17:56,117 --> 00:17:58,703 These are toxic. I'm gonna throw them out. 490 00:17:58,787 --> 00:18:00,914 Ooh, ooh, ooh, I've been wanting to ask you, 491 00:18:00,997 --> 00:18:04,292 have you seen how Amy is hovering over Dan? I think they're hookin' up. 492 00:18:04,376 --> 00:18:07,379 Dan is not dippin' his pen in that ink stain. 493 00:18:07,462 --> 00:18:11,383 Plus, she's getting kinda fat in the front. Did you see that? 494 00:18:11,466 --> 00:18:13,718 It is literally all I can think about. 495 00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:15,804 Ugh... 496 00:18:15,887 --> 00:18:17,305 - Hey, Gary. - Mmm-hmm? 497 00:18:17,389 --> 00:18:19,474 Why would you want to be president? 498 00:18:19,557 --> 00:18:21,393 To give it to you, of course. 499 00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:23,812 Oh, that's good. God. 500 00:18:23,895 --> 00:18:27,482 I know what I want to say, but I can't find the words. 501 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:29,943 What if you talk and I type? How about that? 502 00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:31,796 You just say it out loud, and then I'll just type it. 503 00:18:31,820 --> 00:18:33,881 - How about that? - Okay. Yeah. Let's try that. Okay. 504 00:18:33,905 --> 00:18:37,200 - Great, great, great. This is fun. - Well, from the time I was a girl... 505 00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:39,619 "From the time I was a pretty girl..." 506 00:18:39,703 --> 00:18:40,829 - No, not pretty girl. - No. 507 00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:42,372 "From the time I was a girl." 508 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:43,623 But you're so pretty. 509 00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:45,542 I know. 510 00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:48,003 But anyway, I have fought... 511 00:18:48,086 --> 00:18:50,046 - Oh, good. Good. - Every day... 512 00:18:50,130 --> 00:18:52,090 - So good. - To make america a... 513 00:18:52,173 --> 00:18:54,926 - A very good place. - No, don't finish my sentences. 514 00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:56,362 I thought that's where you were going. 515 00:18:56,386 --> 00:18:57,446 You don't know where I'm going. 516 00:18:57,470 --> 00:18:58,471 To the white house! 517 00:18:58,555 --> 00:19:00,116 You know what I would like to tell people, 518 00:19:00,140 --> 00:19:02,559 - but obviously I can't? - Say it here. 519 00:19:02,642 --> 00:19:04,185 - I should be president... - Yeah? 520 00:19:04,269 --> 00:19:07,897 Because it is my goddamn turn! 521 00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:10,150 - I was the game-changer... - Yep. 522 00:19:10,233 --> 00:19:12,485 I took a dump on the glass ceiling, 523 00:19:12,569 --> 00:19:15,739 and I shaved my muff in the sink of the old boys' club. 524 00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,866 - Muff. - But for three years 525 00:19:17,949 --> 00:19:20,410 Hughes kept me chained to a radiator... 526 00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,329 - Mmm. - In some basement in Cleveland. 527 00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:26,249 So as far as I'm concerned, america owes me 528 00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:29,169 an eight-year stay in the white house, 529 00:19:29,252 --> 00:19:32,172 and this time, I want a war! 530 00:19:32,255 --> 00:19:34,007 Yes! 531 00:19:34,758 --> 00:19:37,052 All right. Do you want me to read that back? 532 00:19:37,135 --> 00:19:39,179 - Oh, we can't use any of that. - Oh. 533 00:19:39,262 --> 00:19:41,765 I mean, it sounds like I'm shouting from a balcony in Munich. 534 00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:43,308 Like Evita! 535 00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:45,602 Okay, just put down something about how I want to give 536 00:19:45,685 --> 00:19:47,270 the American people a better deal 537 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:48,688 or some fuckin' crap like that. 538 00:19:48,772 --> 00:19:50,106 That's very Kennedy-esque. 539 00:19:50,190 --> 00:19:52,400 John, not Teddy. 540 00:19:53,401 --> 00:19:55,070 Or the rapey one. 541 00:19:55,153 --> 00:19:57,530 Or the one that killed that little girl. 542 00:19:59,616 --> 00:20:00,658 Dan: Amy? 543 00:20:00,742 --> 00:20:02,952 Hey, can I come in? 544 00:20:03,036 --> 00:20:05,663 - I need to talk to you. - Come in. 545 00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:08,708 Hey. Um, just a quick heads-up, 546 00:20:08,792 --> 00:20:10,144 you might want to keep this door closed. 547 00:20:10,168 --> 00:20:11,294 I'm gonna fuck Mike's boss. 548 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:12,545 My spidey sense tells me 549 00:20:12,629 --> 00:20:15,215 she's gonna yelp like a seagull in a bread factory. So... 550 00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:17,884 Yeah. 551 00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:20,428 Stick it in there good, pal. 552 00:20:20,512 --> 00:20:22,347 Only way I know how. 553 00:20:28,436 --> 00:20:30,397 That lobby bar better be open! 554 00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:35,026 I'm gonna have it all by my fucking self! 555 00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:37,570 What is she talking about? 556 00:20:37,654 --> 00:20:39,823 Probably a cheesecake or something. 557 00:20:41,241 --> 00:20:42,951 You said it, not me. 558 00:20:43,034 --> 00:20:44,994 All right, nighty-night. 559 00:20:46,955 --> 00:20:48,623 Oh, shoot. 560 00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:50,166 Hey, Dan. 561 00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:51,793 It's your roomie, Gary. 562 00:20:51,876 --> 00:20:53,378 Uh, I forgot my key. 563 00:20:56,464 --> 00:20:58,007 Hey, Dan? 564 00:21:00,718 --> 00:21:02,720 My heart medicine's in there. 565 00:21:09,352 --> 00:21:10,770 Oh, good, there you are. 566 00:21:10,854 --> 00:21:14,941 Okay. I need coffee and any kind of egg-white frittata. Okay? 567 00:21:15,024 --> 00:21:16,836 Put your jacket on. This isn't a homeless shelter. 568 00:21:16,860 --> 00:21:18,820 Yeah. 569 00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:20,738 Hmm. 570 00:21:24,868 --> 00:21:26,870 Oh, ames. Ames. Hey, uh... 571 00:21:27,495 --> 00:21:28,705 Listen, 572 00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,707 I just don't know if I'm ready to be a daddy 573 00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:32,834 to anyone who's not a sexy boho jewelry maker 574 00:21:32,917 --> 00:21:34,919 struggling to pay off her college loans, you know? 575 00:21:35,003 --> 00:21:36,713 I appreciate the soul-searching. 576 00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:38,566 But if you wanna go Dutch or whatever on the abortion, 577 00:21:38,590 --> 00:21:40,467 just hit me up on venmo, okay? 578 00:21:40,550 --> 00:21:42,385 Oh, and you know what? Make it public, okay? 579 00:21:42,469 --> 00:21:43,470 Shows I'm a gentleman. 580 00:21:46,389 --> 00:21:49,601 - Oh, thanks, guys! - Woman: We love you, selina! 581 00:21:49,684 --> 00:21:53,480 Wow! This place has feminine symbolism 582 00:21:53,563 --> 00:21:54,939 spurtin' out of its dickhole. 583 00:21:55,023 --> 00:21:57,525 All right, boys, let's go launch this rocket. 584 00:21:57,609 --> 00:21:59,670 Let's just hope it's the Columbia and not the challenger. 585 00:21:59,694 --> 00:22:01,654 Both exploded, killing all aboard. 586 00:22:01,738 --> 00:22:03,698 Okay, whatever. The one without the schoolteacher. 587 00:22:03,740 --> 00:22:07,660 What is going on here? Where is the stage? 588 00:22:07,744 --> 00:22:09,722 This was all supposed to be done like six hours ago. 589 00:22:09,746 --> 00:22:11,098 And, I mean, the tents aren't even here. 590 00:22:11,122 --> 00:22:13,517 Well, I'm guessin' those were supposed to be put up four or five hours ago. 591 00:22:13,541 --> 00:22:14,701 You want the stages up first. 592 00:22:14,751 --> 00:22:16,377 Ma'am, it... 593 00:22:16,461 --> 00:22:18,338 - It turns out back in 2008... - Yeah? 594 00:22:18,421 --> 00:22:21,925 Your campaign did not pay the bill for your announcement. 595 00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:24,260 - I... I... - I want you to meet Nick spooner, 596 00:22:24,344 --> 00:22:26,184 - uh, he owns the tent company. - Selina: Okay. 597 00:22:26,262 --> 00:22:28,765 - Hello, Mr. Spooner. - Spooner. 598 00:22:28,848 --> 00:22:31,768 If you could just set up the stage, it... 599 00:22:31,851 --> 00:22:34,979 Your honor, I totally respect your office 600 00:22:35,063 --> 00:22:36,874 - and your service to this country... - Thank you. 601 00:22:36,898 --> 00:22:39,025 As former commander-in-chief of the armed services. 602 00:22:39,108 --> 00:22:40,527 Well, it's my pleasure. Thank you. 603 00:22:40,610 --> 00:22:42,403 And I want to say that I love america. 604 00:22:42,487 --> 00:22:44,447 - Mmm-hmm. - However, 605 00:22:44,531 --> 00:22:46,324 I am sick and tired 606 00:22:46,407 --> 00:22:48,034 of these hoity-toity people, 607 00:22:48,117 --> 00:22:49,827 - like yourself... - Oh, okay. 608 00:22:49,911 --> 00:22:53,665 Prancing in here with this ia-Dee-da attitude 609 00:22:53,748 --> 00:22:55,333 and total disregard 610 00:22:55,416 --> 00:22:56,936 - for the working-class people... - Right. 611 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,419 Of this country, like myself. 612 00:22:58,503 --> 00:23:00,213 Truth to power. Good for you. 613 00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:02,215 My aide, Mr. Walsh, 614 00:23:02,298 --> 00:23:03,967 would like to speak with you... 615 00:23:04,050 --> 00:23:06,594 - Yes, yes, yes. - Your aide? Uh, yeah. 616 00:23:06,678 --> 00:23:08,346 Your hat is so fun. 617 00:23:08,429 --> 00:23:10,598 The "." B have you been to Barbuda? 618 00:23:10,682 --> 00:23:13,351 Can we just pay this townie and get on with it, please? 619 00:23:13,434 --> 00:23:15,562 It's too late now. The press is already arriving. 620 00:23:15,645 --> 00:23:19,107 So the national press is now arriving 621 00:23:19,190 --> 00:23:23,027 to this giant metaphor for 622 00:23:23,111 --> 00:23:25,488 a clusterfuck of a campaign. 623 00:23:25,572 --> 00:23:26,823 Actually, it's a synecdoche. 624 00:23:26,906 --> 00:23:29,409 Technically, it's more of a goat rape than a clusterfuck. 625 00:23:29,492 --> 00:23:34,080 If I ever needed a miracle, it is right now. 626 00:23:34,163 --> 00:23:37,125 Uh, ma'am, there's been a mass shooting in a mall in Phoenix. 627 00:23:37,208 --> 00:23:38,602 Twenty-seven people have been killed. 628 00:23:38,626 --> 00:23:40,211 Kent: Oh, my god. Amy: Oh... 629 00:23:45,550 --> 00:23:47,260 Oh! 630 00:23:47,343 --> 00:23:50,221 This can work for us? 631 00:23:50,305 --> 00:23:52,432 Yes, because we couldn't possibly announce now 632 00:23:52,515 --> 00:23:54,183 out of respect for the victims. 633 00:23:55,184 --> 00:23:57,478 Halle-fucking-iujah! 634 00:23:57,562 --> 00:23:59,564 Praise the rational equivalent of Jesus, 635 00:23:59,647 --> 00:24:02,483 what bonhoeffer would call the spirit of beloved community. 636 00:24:02,567 --> 00:24:05,528 We have to send that shooter a nice thank-you card. 637 00:24:05,612 --> 00:24:07,590 Actually, he shot himself before he could be apprehended. 638 00:24:07,614 --> 00:24:08,906 I'll send something to his wife. 639 00:24:08,990 --> 00:24:10,158 Actually, he shot her first. 640 00:24:10,325 --> 00:24:12,511 I am literally shaking from this. 641 00:24:12,535 --> 00:24:13,745 I can't believe it! 642 00:24:13,828 --> 00:24:14,829 Hey, guys! 643 00:24:16,122 --> 00:24:19,417 This is our chance to get in front of the marriage story, 644 00:24:19,500 --> 00:24:20,660 - shape the narrative. - Okay. 645 00:24:20,710 --> 00:24:22,003 Teddy: All right. 646 00:24:22,086 --> 00:24:24,213 Whoa. What was that? 647 00:24:24,297 --> 00:24:26,591 I'm just adjusting your mic. 648 00:24:26,674 --> 00:24:29,010 I was chemically castrated, remember? 649 00:24:33,181 --> 00:24:34,891 As adults, you met again 650 00:24:34,974 --> 00:24:36,726 - at Nancy's father's funeral? - Right. 651 00:24:36,809 --> 00:24:38,186 He was just so tall 652 00:24:38,269 --> 00:24:40,563 that I fell in love with him that night. 653 00:24:40,647 --> 00:24:43,858 And, um, two months later we were married. 654 00:24:43,941 --> 00:24:46,653 In a normal marriage. 655 00:24:46,736 --> 00:24:48,529 Not weird or disgusting at all. 656 00:24:48,613 --> 00:24:49,614 Normal. 657 00:24:49,697 --> 00:24:51,658 So what would you say to someone who might ask, 658 00:24:51,741 --> 00:24:55,203 "how can they marry? They're step-siblings." 659 00:24:55,286 --> 00:24:57,205 I'm not her brother, and I never was. 660 00:24:57,288 --> 00:24:58,831 Except for that one year. 661 00:24:58,915 --> 00:25:00,500 It's exactly what Woody Allen did. 662 00:25:00,583 --> 00:25:02,835 I'm clearly no more of a pervert than he is, 663 00:25:02,919 --> 00:25:04,671 and if you're gonna criticize us, 664 00:25:04,754 --> 00:25:07,632 then you better be prepared to criticize Woody Allen 665 00:25:07,715 --> 00:25:09,008 and the little Chinese girl. 666 00:25:09,092 --> 00:25:10,259 - Women: Exactly. - Yeah. 667 00:25:10,343 --> 00:25:12,679 Selina: I would like to offer my thoughts and prayers 668 00:25:12,762 --> 00:25:14,555 for the victims and their families. 669 00:25:14,639 --> 00:25:16,516 And I realize that there are those who say 670 00:25:16,599 --> 00:25:19,227 that thoughts and prayers aren't enough. 671 00:25:19,310 --> 00:25:21,396 - But prayer works, believe me. - Woman: Yes. 672 00:25:21,479 --> 00:25:22,772 It worked for me today. 673 00:25:22,855 --> 00:25:24,399 Kent: Amen. 674 00:25:27,151 --> 00:25:28,986 And... 675 00:25:29,070 --> 00:25:32,740 And this may not seem like the right time, 676 00:25:32,824 --> 00:25:36,244 but I have to say that I love this country. 677 00:25:36,327 --> 00:25:38,329 I think we all do. 678 00:25:38,413 --> 00:25:43,543 And I am sick and tired of all these hoity-toity people 679 00:25:43,626 --> 00:25:46,462 prancing around with their ia-Dee-da attitudes 680 00:25:46,546 --> 00:25:49,424 With complete disregard... 681 00:25:49,507 --> 00:25:52,176 Regard for the rights 682 00:25:52,260 --> 00:25:55,638 of normal, working-class men and women! 683 00:25:55,722 --> 00:25:56,931 Ben: Yeah! 684 00:25:57,014 --> 00:26:00,017 And that is why I wanna be president 685 00:26:00,101 --> 00:26:01,728 of the United States of America! 686 00:26:02,979 --> 00:26:05,398 And my candidacy begins 687 00:26:05,481 --> 00:26:07,483 right now! Thank you! 688 00:26:07,567 --> 00:26:09,819 - Did you write that? - Yes. 689 00:26:09,902 --> 00:26:12,613 This is the bill for Mr. Spooner, the old work plus today. 690 00:26:12,697 --> 00:26:14,282 Yeah. I'm not paying that. 691 00:26:16,492 --> 00:26:19,579 So, at the center of all of this emotional turmoil 692 00:26:19,662 --> 00:26:23,291 is Beth's father and Jonah's stepfather, 693 00:26:23,374 --> 00:26:25,084 - Lloyd hennick. - He was a monster. 694 00:26:25,168 --> 00:26:26,919 Mr. Hennick, would you join us, please? 695 00:26:27,003 --> 00:26:28,463 - Hi. - Beth: What? 696 00:26:28,546 --> 00:26:30,631 - Have a seat. - What is he doing here? 697 00:26:30,715 --> 00:26:32,192 - Did you know about this? - Beth: No. 698 00:26:32,216 --> 00:26:34,218 - Hi, Jonah. - "Oh, hi, Jonah." 699 00:26:34,302 --> 00:26:35,803 Interviewer: Lloyd, is there anything 700 00:26:35,887 --> 00:26:38,222 you would like to say to your son... 701 00:26:38,306 --> 00:26:40,808 Your stepson, Jonah? 702 00:26:40,892 --> 00:26:43,478 Yes. Jonah, I have always tried to be there for you. 703 00:26:43,561 --> 00:26:45,021 That's why I bought your first car 704 00:26:45,104 --> 00:26:46,939 and paid for all six years of college, champ! 705 00:26:47,023 --> 00:26:49,293 How come you failed me in algebra, Mr. Hennick? 706 00:26:49,317 --> 00:26:50,568 You failed eighth grade math? 707 00:26:50,651 --> 00:26:52,278 You know, my mom never loved you. 708 00:26:52,361 --> 00:26:53,589 You know that? She told me that. 709 00:26:53,613 --> 00:26:55,239 Thanksgiving 1996. 710 00:26:55,323 --> 00:26:57,134 We'd love to have him back, you know, by himself. 711 00:26:57,158 --> 00:26:59,076 - It'd be great. - Eat a dick. 712 00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:00,971 Nancy, ever since the kids have gotten together, 713 00:27:00,995 --> 00:27:04,040 it's just reminded me of how much I miss you. 714 00:27:04,123 --> 00:27:06,292 - No! No, no, no! No! - Oh, I'm... 715 00:27:06,375 --> 00:27:08,169 Do not touch her! No! 716 00:27:08,252 --> 00:27:10,588 Those hands are for making me hot pockets and nothing else. 717 00:27:10,671 --> 00:27:12,799 You are gonna die alone. Get up. No. Move over. 718 00:27:12,882 --> 00:27:14,818 Beth: Do you want me to move? Jonah: Yes, you guys switch. 719 00:27:14,842 --> 00:27:16,344 How does this make you feel, Nancy, 720 00:27:16,427 --> 00:27:17,428 - with... - Well, it... 721 00:27:17,512 --> 00:27:18,552 It makes me feel terrible. 722 00:27:18,596 --> 00:27:19,931 I miss him! 723 00:27:20,014 --> 00:27:22,600 - I miss you! I miss you! - No, no, no! 724 00:27:22,683 --> 00:27:23,726 No, no, no, no, no, no. 725 00:27:23,810 --> 00:27:25,770 I'm gonna be president! I'm gonna be president! 726 00:27:25,853 --> 00:27:28,397 - I'm gonna be president! - What? 727 00:27:28,481 --> 00:27:30,441 Actually, since this segment first aired, 728 00:27:30,525 --> 00:27:32,443 Jonah's numbers are up over 3%. 729 00:27:32,527 --> 00:27:33,653 He's tapped into something. 730 00:27:33,736 --> 00:27:35,029 Yeah, his stepsister. 731 00:27:35,112 --> 00:27:36,280 Well, it's playing big with 732 00:27:36,364 --> 00:27:37,824 non-college-educated white males, 733 00:27:37,907 --> 00:27:40,159 and college-educated white males. 734 00:27:40,243 --> 00:27:42,119 Basically, white males. 735 00:27:42,203 --> 00:27:43,788 This entire country 736 00:27:43,871 --> 00:27:47,041 is getting more disgusting by the second. 737 00:27:47,124 --> 00:27:48,852 That's a demo we're targeting mostly on Facebook. 738 00:27:48,876 --> 00:27:51,838 Okay, can we just talk about how I pulled 739 00:27:51,921 --> 00:27:55,007 one of the all-time campaign announcements 740 00:27:55,091 --> 00:27:58,427 - out of my Lily-white anus? - Kudos on that, Gary. 741 00:27:58,511 --> 00:28:00,155 - Selina: What? - The field could not be any clearer. 742 00:28:00,179 --> 00:28:01,806 Ma'am, you need to see this. 743 00:28:01,889 --> 00:28:05,685 I believe that our country will always be a shining beacon of hope... 744 00:28:05,768 --> 00:28:07,579 - Oh, god, he looks good. - Tom: For our own people 745 00:28:07,603 --> 00:28:09,647 and those who will learn from our example. 746 00:28:09,730 --> 00:28:12,483 And that is why! Would like to announce my candidacy for the office 747 00:28:12,567 --> 00:28:14,044 of president of the United States of America. 748 00:28:14,068 --> 00:28:17,905 That! Right there! That's the Keith Quinn I was talking about. 749 00:28:18,573 --> 00:28:19,907 Move!