1 00:00:19,103 --> 00:00:22,565 People are always asking me, "who is Roger furlong?" 2 00:00:22,648 --> 00:00:26,944 And I always refer them to the same passage of the good book. The scriptures. 3 00:00:27,403 --> 00:00:30,990 "Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them." 4 00:00:31,115 --> 00:00:32,450 Selina: All right, let's do it. 5 00:00:32,742 --> 00:00:35,077 "Being the first daughter is a big responsibility." 6 00:00:35,161 --> 00:00:38,039 - Good. - "But I'm happy to serve my country 7 00:00:38,122 --> 00:00:39,874 "and to help out my mom." 8 00:00:39,957 --> 00:00:41,542 - Oh! - That's very good, yes. 9 00:00:41,626 --> 00:00:44,170 - "I love you, mom." - Oh, no, honey. 10 00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:46,231 You've got to say it like you mean it, though, darling. 11 00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:49,550 It's so easy. It's like, "I love you, mom. I love you." 12 00:00:49,634 --> 00:00:51,361 - Well, not like that. - Catherine: "There are great changes 13 00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:54,055 "coming for this nation and my own life, too. 14 00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:56,432 "Last year I met a boy called Jason..." 15 00:00:56,515 --> 00:00:58,893 Mmm. I don't know, should she say "boy" or "man"? 16 00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:00,954 - Just to be clear? Yeah. - Yes, that's a good question, ma'am. 17 00:01:00,978 --> 00:01:02,855 It's clear that I'm a man, isn't it? 18 00:01:03,064 --> 00:01:05,524 I haven't been carded for years. Like, three years. 19 00:01:05,608 --> 00:01:07,902 I just... I don't know if this is gonna play well. 20 00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:09,987 You know what? I started to feel that way myself. 21 00:01:10,071 --> 00:01:12,031 It's a convention. People love this shit. 22 00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:13,908 How could it not play well? We're in love. 23 00:01:13,991 --> 00:01:16,244 - Yeah, it might play well. - It could. 24 00:01:16,327 --> 00:01:18,537 - I think it might. - Man: Do you like it? 25 00:01:18,621 --> 00:01:20,414 I cannot take Karen anymore. 26 00:01:20,498 --> 00:01:23,751 It's been weeks and she is yet to speak a declarative sentence. 27 00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:27,171 Lawyers tend to cover their bases. I know that from my car accident. 28 00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:28,506 With a lawyer. 29 00:01:28,631 --> 00:01:31,384 I just tune her out. You know, like living next to a highway. 30 00:01:31,467 --> 00:01:36,222 "Last year I met a guy called Jason and we fell in love." 31 00:01:36,305 --> 00:01:38,825 All right, sweetheart, it doesn't sound like you're in love to me. 32 00:01:38,849 --> 00:01:40,869 It sounds like you've been kidnapped by the Taliban. 33 00:01:40,893 --> 00:01:43,771 - Karen: Exactly. - "And we're going to get married. 34 00:01:43,854 --> 00:01:47,817 "So I'd like to introduce you to Jason. Come on out, honey." 35 00:01:47,900 --> 00:01:50,236 - It sounds like you're angry. - I am angry! 36 00:01:50,319 --> 00:01:52,047 Well, that's why you sound like you're angry. 37 00:01:52,071 --> 00:01:54,240 - Hide it. - Conceal it for a second. 38 00:01:54,323 --> 00:01:56,033 Good, conceal it. 39 00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:58,619 If you eat a zucchini anywhere in mainland North America, 40 00:01:58,703 --> 00:02:01,789 there's a 20% chance it's one of my zucchini. 41 00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:05,584 Well, I am such a zucchini fan, I practically photosynthesize. 42 00:02:05,668 --> 00:02:08,129 Next year I want 24%. 43 00:02:08,212 --> 00:02:09,797 Well, listen, Dan here is the man. 44 00:02:09,880 --> 00:02:11,024 He's fresh from the white house, 45 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:14,260 he's got a rolodex as crammed as a drug mule's poop pocket. 46 00:02:14,343 --> 00:02:16,721 And I want to take zucchini to the next level. 47 00:02:16,846 --> 00:02:18,764 Great, I'm in town till tomorrow, 48 00:02:18,848 --> 00:02:21,434 so any big dogs you can get me in a room with today? 49 00:02:21,517 --> 00:02:22,643 That's gonna be tricky. 50 00:02:22,727 --> 00:02:24,454 You know, everyone's out of town for the convention, 51 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:27,189 so the only people left in DC. Work at cvs, but... 52 00:02:27,273 --> 00:02:30,109 Dan'sjust being modest. I mean, you know everybody, right, Dan? 53 00:02:30,192 --> 00:02:31,944 Flex that rolodex, pal. 54 00:02:34,030 --> 00:02:36,824 - Yeah. You ever hear of Jonah Ryan? - No. 55 00:02:36,907 --> 00:02:39,118 Old buddy of mine. We go way back. 56 00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:42,079 Love that guy. I can get you in a room with him today. 57 00:02:42,288 --> 00:02:45,166 All right, listen. Enough business, let's eat. Okay? 58 00:02:45,249 --> 00:02:47,835 But probably not fucking zucchini, right? 59 00:02:48,085 --> 00:02:50,629 "I'd like to introduce you to Jason. 60 00:02:50,755 --> 00:02:52,089 "Come on out, honey." 61 00:02:52,423 --> 00:02:54,216 Selina: Okay, and now a kiss. 62 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:55,676 - Oh! - Selina: Oh. 63 00:02:55,801 --> 00:02:57,428 - That needs work. - That needs work. 64 00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,472 - Which part? - All of it. 65 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,575 - How hard is it to kiss somebody? - I know. 66 00:03:01,599 --> 00:03:02,909 I mean, you just put your head close to theirs, 67 00:03:02,933 --> 00:03:04,161 you let your lips touch, you know? 68 00:03:04,185 --> 00:03:06,270 Do I need to demonstrate this? 69 00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:09,607 Okay, he can practice the walk on his own time. 70 00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:11,585 We really need to look at the president's speech now. 71 00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:15,029 Hey, human emotion, you can't rush it. It's not a precise science, Amy. 72 00:03:15,112 --> 00:03:18,574 All sciences are precise. That's what science means. 73 00:03:18,657 --> 00:03:20,034 That's open to interpretation. 74 00:03:20,117 --> 00:03:21,410 - Yes. - Extraordinary. 75 00:03:21,494 --> 00:03:23,662 Ma'am, there's a death row inmate in Louisiana. 76 00:03:23,788 --> 00:03:24,872 Oh, sounds good. 77 00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:27,166 He was given a new drug cocktail, but it didn't work, 78 00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:28,709 so basically he's not dead. 79 00:03:28,793 --> 00:03:30,378 - He's half dead. - Half dead? 80 00:03:30,461 --> 00:03:32,105 - Yeah, he's been half-acuted. - Kent: Awful. 81 00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:36,008 Like being decapitated but surviving. Happens to chickens a lot. 82 00:03:36,092 --> 00:03:39,053 Well, some might say that we're being slightly headless ourselves. 83 00:03:39,136 --> 00:03:41,138 We really need to focus on your speech. 84 00:03:41,222 --> 00:03:44,475 Well, there is this new execution issue, so that's the priority. 85 00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:46,644 Right. Do you think we should issue a statement or... 86 00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:49,897 Yes, but a statement that can be repurposed, if things change. 87 00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:51,982 - He dies, he doesn't die, or whatever. - Mmm-hmm. 88 00:03:52,066 --> 00:03:54,066 - Yeah, that's very clever. Thank you. - Thank you. 89 00:03:55,778 --> 00:03:59,907 So it's true. They hacked the data of thousands of dead kids 90 00:03:59,990 --> 00:04:04,912 to directly target bereaved parents with this charming mailer. 91 00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:06,914 Wow, dead kids... That never sounds good 92 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:08,666 unless you're a stressed-out single mom. 93 00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:11,419 This and they polled against me? That's it, I'm out. 94 00:04:11,502 --> 00:04:13,671 No, sir, that's the wrong move. You can't... 95 00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,774 There's only one midget I'm gonna let tell me what to do, 96 00:04:15,798 --> 00:04:17,842 and I'm gonna go tell her that I'm done. 97 00:04:17,967 --> 00:04:19,885 She doesn't have time to replace you. 98 00:04:19,969 --> 00:04:22,430 What's she gonna do, pin a dick on Gary and give him the job? 99 00:04:22,513 --> 00:04:23,764 She's got a couple hours. 100 00:04:23,848 --> 00:04:26,100 I mean, that's more than enough time in politics. 101 00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:28,978 No, wait a minute, it's not. Tough shitski. 102 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:33,649 So I 'd like to say to all you young people, 103 00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:35,901 join me 104 00:04:35,985 --> 00:04:39,530 and let's rock these United States. 105 00:04:41,824 --> 00:04:43,135 80, really, we wanted to go progressive. 106 00:04:43,159 --> 00:04:44,201 - Ma'am. - Yeah? 107 00:04:44,285 --> 00:04:46,245 I have a useful college friend in the enemy camp 108 00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:47,872 with a small brain and a big mouth. 109 00:04:48,080 --> 00:04:52,460 She says that senator o'brien's running mate is going to be Laura montez. 110 00:04:52,668 --> 00:04:54,003 - Montez? - Yeah. 111 00:04:54,086 --> 00:04:57,965 - New Mexico senator Laura montez? - Mmm-hmm. 112 00:04:58,048 --> 00:05:02,344 She is brilliant. She's pretty. She's charming. 113 00:05:02,428 --> 00:05:03,679 She's a woman! 114 00:05:04,472 --> 00:05:06,474 She's fucking ethnic! 115 00:05:06,557 --> 00:05:08,100 This is latinageddon. 116 00:05:08,184 --> 00:05:09,935 I wish I was that guy on death row. 117 00:05:10,019 --> 00:05:11,896 Apparently he's vomiting black bile. 118 00:05:11,979 --> 00:05:14,398 - Well, I don't even care. - This is such a bold move. 119 00:05:14,482 --> 00:05:16,567 It's clever. It's a really bold move. 120 00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:18,486 - Yes, that's what I said. - All right. 121 00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:20,297 There's nothing on the Internet about montez 122 00:05:20,321 --> 00:05:23,073 except for the usual photoshopped nudity. 123 00:05:23,157 --> 00:05:25,159 Selina: O'brien's really broken us here. 124 00:05:25,242 --> 00:05:27,745 He gets sexy mexi. What am I stuck with? 125 00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,164 - Doyle? - Steve Martin's boring older brother. 126 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:32,166 I mean, it doesn't make any sense to say this, 127 00:05:32,249 --> 00:05:35,628 but, I mean, I really, really wish we could get rid of Doyle. 128 00:05:35,711 --> 00:05:36,712 - Amy: Ma'am. - Ma'am. 129 00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:38,964 What if we could put Danny chung on the ticket with us? 130 00:05:39,048 --> 00:05:42,218 That would totally fuck up that fiesta of theirs, wouldn't it? 131 00:05:42,301 --> 00:05:44,637 Ma'am, the vice president's here and he looks pissed. 132 00:05:44,762 --> 00:05:47,306 - Even more than usual. - Hi, Andrew. 133 00:05:47,389 --> 00:05:49,308 Ma'am, we need to have one of those 134 00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:51,727 - one-on-one conversations. - Uh-huh. 135 00:05:51,810 --> 00:05:54,313 You know, the kind that you promised we'd have once a week. 136 00:05:54,396 --> 00:05:55,606 Oh, snarky. 137 00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:58,817 Okay, yeah. Let's go have a talk in the bedroom. 138 00:05:58,901 --> 00:06:01,296 It's really dirty in there. Do you want me to tidy up just... 139 00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:02,613 Oh, I don't care. Fuck it. 140 00:06:04,365 --> 00:06:06,283 Oh, sorry for all this crap everywhere. 141 00:06:06,367 --> 00:06:07,636 - So, what's... - Hear me out, selina. 142 00:06:07,660 --> 00:06:09,954 I regret to inform you that I'm stepping off the ticket. 143 00:06:10,955 --> 00:06:12,706 - What? - I will stay on as veep 144 00:06:12,790 --> 00:06:13,791 through the inauguration. 145 00:06:13,874 --> 00:06:17,044 Then I am getting in my dodge and I'm getting the hell out of dodge. 146 00:06:17,378 --> 00:06:19,046 I don't... I mean, what are you... 147 00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:21,966 I am furious. Ben. 148 00:06:22,299 --> 00:06:24,718 - Yeah? - Are you hearing what I just heard? 149 00:06:24,802 --> 00:06:25,946 I don't know if I heard correctly. 150 00:06:25,970 --> 00:06:29,557 - Something about resigning? - Yeah, he's stepping off the ticket. 151 00:06:29,640 --> 00:06:31,058 It's a matter of principle. 152 00:06:31,141 --> 00:06:35,563 There is no way on god's green cock that you can get out on matter of principle. 153 00:06:35,646 --> 00:06:37,565 - That's right. - It has to be a health issue. 154 00:06:37,648 --> 00:06:39,066 No, I'm perfectly healthy. 155 00:06:39,149 --> 00:06:42,611 - You have prostate problems. - I'm not gonna say that. That's embarrassing. 156 00:06:42,695 --> 00:06:44,697 Exactly. That's what makes it more real. 157 00:06:45,155 --> 00:06:46,865 I'm not gonna lie, selina. 158 00:06:47,658 --> 00:06:49,368 He said he's not gonna lie, Ben. 159 00:06:50,661 --> 00:06:53,998 You know, um, there's been some very serious allegations 160 00:06:54,123 --> 00:06:56,458 coming from the vice president's office aboutsexualabuse. 161 00:06:57,042 --> 00:06:58,168 - Excuse me? - What? 162 00:06:58,252 --> 00:07:01,547 - Yeah, Jonah Ryan. - Jonah? Oh, my god. 163 00:07:01,630 --> 00:07:03,132 Those poor interns. 164 00:07:03,215 --> 00:07:04,717 No, no, no, Jonah's the victim. 165 00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,343 - Your man Teddy. - What? 166 00:07:06,427 --> 00:07:07,947 Yeah, he's been fondling Jonah's balls 167 00:07:08,012 --> 00:07:10,073 like he's trying to figure out what the prize inside is. 168 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,558 I knew nothing about this, Ben. Nothing, selina. 169 00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:14,602 - So how can you be a man of principle... - Yeah. 170 00:07:14,685 --> 00:07:17,438 - When you're condoning sexual abuse... - Sexual abuse. 171 00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:18,832 - In your own office? - In your office. 172 00:07:18,856 --> 00:07:19,898 Who are you, the pope? 173 00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:24,069 - I'll go write a draft. Come on. - Yeah, prostate, not principle, huh? 174 00:07:24,153 --> 00:07:26,447 Yeah, that's what we'll... we'll go with that. 175 00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:27,990 Oh, okay. 176 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,827 - Oh, my god, what's wrong? - Doer is a goner. 177 00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:33,704 - What? - He's stepping off the ticket. 178 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,873 - What? - In the middle of a convention? 179 00:07:35,956 --> 00:07:38,375 - I know! - Chung is our answer to montez. 180 00:07:38,459 --> 00:07:40,419 - He can be our minority retort. - Yes! 181 00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:42,880 Hey, way to work that sexual abuse. 182 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:46,425 It's like Christmas, except happy. 183 00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:48,344 Ma'am, I'm elated. This is great news. 184 00:07:48,427 --> 00:07:49,970 Yeah, that's your elated face. 185 00:07:50,054 --> 00:07:53,307 We need to pick a running mate now, okay? So do you want to discuss our options? 186 00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:54,642 It has to be Danny chung. 187 00:07:54,725 --> 00:07:56,268 That's exactly what I was gonna say. 188 00:07:56,352 --> 00:07:58,103 - Isn't that spooky? - Not even remotely. 189 00:07:58,187 --> 00:08:01,148 Okay, go get Danny chung. Mike! Oh, my god! 190 00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:03,567 - Ah! They found a pulse on the death row guy. - Oh! 191 00:08:03,651 --> 00:08:06,338 - Now they can kill him properly. - God, you'd think they could do that right. 192 00:08:06,362 --> 00:08:08,781 Death row, the clue is in the name. 193 00:08:11,075 --> 00:08:12,743 Welcome to the real D.C., boys. 194 00:08:13,410 --> 00:08:14,536 Dan central. 195 00:08:14,620 --> 00:08:15,996 Hello, gentlemen. Sidney purcell. 196 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,706 - Hi, Jonah Ryan. - Oh, Jonah. 197 00:08:17,790 --> 00:08:20,018 Excellent. Dan, why don't you get these guys some coffee? 198 00:08:20,042 --> 00:08:22,294 No, you don't need to get me a coffee. 199 00:08:22,378 --> 00:08:24,755 Although, coffee actually does sound delicious. 200 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:28,550 Yeah, funny thing. I think the machine's on the Fritz. 201 00:08:28,634 --> 00:08:30,511 Is it? We had coffee earlier. 202 00:08:30,761 --> 00:08:33,531 There's no way it could be on the Fritz. Just double check and see if it is. 203 00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:37,351 But if it's not, I think I'll take a soy cap. And, Richard? 204 00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:39,478 Uh, eggnog latte, if it's in season. 205 00:08:39,561 --> 00:08:43,023 Is it? No, it isn't. Okay, I'll have a skinny cap. And a biscotti, if you've got it. 206 00:08:43,107 --> 00:08:45,085 And I'll have a double Espresso. I'll see you guys in a minute. 207 00:08:45,109 --> 00:08:46,110 Fantastic. 208 00:08:48,821 --> 00:08:50,280 Oh, Dan, that's good. 209 00:08:50,364 --> 00:08:53,200 So we're interested in finding the pesticide levers. 210 00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:55,411 Specifically the levers that make pesticides happen. 211 00:08:55,494 --> 00:08:58,580 And Jonah here is the guy behind the guy. Isn't that right? 212 00:08:58,706 --> 00:09:01,291 Yeah, oh, I'm the wheel-greaser. I'm the puppet master. 213 00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:03,961 A man of many nicknames. Poonslayer. 214 00:09:05,212 --> 00:09:07,256 When I'm online. Video games. 215 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,466 The vice president is leaving the ticket. 216 00:09:09,675 --> 00:09:11,385 Yep. Wait, what? 217 00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:13,971 The vice president is leaving the ticket? 218 00:09:14,346 --> 00:09:15,472 Yes. Yes, he is. 219 00:09:15,556 --> 00:09:18,308 How am I hearing this at the same time as you? 220 00:09:18,434 --> 00:09:21,311 Well, the important thing is that we have a plan b. Right, Dan? 221 00:09:22,646 --> 00:09:23,814 Yes. Uh... 222 00:09:25,482 --> 00:09:27,282 I'm gonna call my good friend Amy brookheimer. 223 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,902 She's the president's campaign manager. 224 00:09:28,986 --> 00:09:30,880 She and I are closer than two fat guys in an elevator. 225 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,674 - This is not a big deal. - You know what? Building off that, 226 00:09:32,698 --> 00:09:34,259 I'm actually gonna go ahead and give her a call, too. 227 00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:36,285 We used to date, so I know her inside and out. 228 00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:38,471 I used to work for ames. In fact, I call her ames for short... 229 00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:40,164 Wait, actually, it's long for Amy. 230 00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:43,000 - Okay, let me know when you have her. - Right. 231 00:09:44,877 --> 00:09:46,920 What did I do in a past life to deserve Karen? 232 00:09:47,004 --> 00:09:49,285 I think you must have given the go-ahead for Pearl harbor. 233 00:09:49,339 --> 00:09:51,818 Well, the problem with Karen is that she's the president's best friend. 234 00:09:51,842 --> 00:09:53,385 Best female friend, let's be honest. 235 00:09:53,469 --> 00:09:55,321 Okay, everybody, chung should be here any second. 236 00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:56,597 - All right. - I just heard 237 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,534 chung should be here any second. We've got ourselves a meeting. Am I right? 238 00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:00,994 - You are right. - Go get 'em, ma'am. 239 00:10:01,018 --> 00:10:02,258 - Go get 'em, ma'am. - Let's go. 240 00:10:02,311 --> 00:10:04,191 Mike: Don't look desperate. Men don't like that. 241 00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:09,777 The first time I spoke here, they called it chungmania. 242 00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:11,779 - I do remember that. Of course. - Chungmania. 243 00:10:11,862 --> 00:10:15,240 And I remember being so excited to have a mania named after me. 244 00:10:15,324 --> 00:10:17,659 - Sure. - I had chungmania mania. 245 00:10:20,037 --> 00:10:23,207 I love it when you tell that story. It's so funny. 246 00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,000 Well, Danny, 247 00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:29,296 come January, I would be so pleased 248 00:10:29,379 --> 00:10:33,592 if you would serve alongside me as my vice president. 249 00:10:36,929 --> 00:10:40,474 You do me a great honor, madam president. 250 00:10:40,557 --> 00:10:42,810 - Yeah. Yeah. - But I do need to consult my wife. 251 00:10:42,893 --> 00:10:44,520 Oh, of course. Oh, no, no, no, yes. 252 00:10:44,603 --> 00:10:45,938 - And my Bible. - Yeah. 253 00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:48,148 Although she is my Bible, so that's two bibles. 254 00:10:48,232 --> 00:10:51,693 Well, you take as many of the 15 minutes available 255 00:10:51,777 --> 00:10:53,946 as you need to make this decision. 256 00:10:54,029 --> 00:10:55,697 - Sure. Thank you. - Okay. Thank you. 257 00:11:00,661 --> 00:11:01,703 Congressman Pierce. 258 00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:03,473 I hear you guys are looking for a new vice president. 259 00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:04,657 - It's not gonna be you. - No, 260 00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,750 I just wanted to wish you guys good luck. 261 00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:09,127 Oh, that's nice. Fuck off, I'm busy. 262 00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:12,422 Vice president Doyle stepping off the ticket. 263 00:11:12,506 --> 00:11:13,924 Who made this decision? 264 00:11:14,049 --> 00:11:18,011 It was a joint decision made by the president, vice president, 265 00:11:18,095 --> 00:11:20,514 and the vice president's 266 00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:22,891 prostate doctor. 267 00:11:23,517 --> 00:11:24,977 Thirty years as a senator, 268 00:11:25,060 --> 00:11:27,247 and your asshole's getting more screen time than your face. 269 00:11:27,271 --> 00:11:29,273 I understand you've been feeling up Jonah Ryan. 270 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:30,691 And by up, I mean all the way up. 271 00:11:30,774 --> 00:11:32,693 Congressman furlong does not want to hear this. 272 00:11:33,110 --> 00:11:36,238 Oh, which means I absolutely, totally fucking do. Please go on. 273 00:11:36,321 --> 00:11:38,161 I understand you've been twirling Jonah's balls 274 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,868 like they're some kind of exotic stress reducer. 275 00:11:40,951 --> 00:11:43,412 I wish someone would sexually assault my staff. 276 00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,622 And by staff! Mean penis. 277 00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:47,291 - You guys are serious. - No, listen. 278 00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:50,961 I mean, which of us hasn't gotten all up in some guy'sjunk? 279 00:11:51,044 --> 00:11:52,713 - You know, just for a laugh? - I haven't. 280 00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:54,996 I want you to use your dirty hands, clean out your desk. 281 00:11:55,299 --> 00:11:57,134 - You're fired. - You... okay, fine. 282 00:11:57,217 --> 00:12:01,096 Sir, everything I have done, everything, has been to serve you. 283 00:12:01,263 --> 00:12:03,765 And that goes double for fondling Jonah. 284 00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:09,247 Have you been watching this? This is a fascinating show. 285 00:12:09,271 --> 00:12:10,355 About the problem? 286 00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:15,485 I know that it's big, the problem and the prostate, which is not good. 287 00:12:15,569 --> 00:12:17,070 Sounds like you might die. 288 00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,157 - Madam president. - Here's my guy. 289 00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,034 - Let's do this. - Let's do this. 290 00:12:22,117 --> 00:12:25,037 - You talked with both of your bibles, did you? - I have, and_. 291 00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:26,538 Yes, come, come, come, come. Yes. 292 00:12:26,622 --> 00:12:29,062 - I would love to serve you as vice president... - Oh, my god. 293 00:12:29,124 --> 00:12:30,542 But I can't. 294 00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:33,086 I can't. 295 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:38,133 Are you kidding? What? How could you possibly say no to this? 296 00:12:38,216 --> 00:12:39,903 - Could you please stop? - Could you please stop? 297 00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:41,929 Thank you. Um... 298 00:12:42,012 --> 00:12:45,015 All I can say is it's family issues. 299 00:12:45,515 --> 00:12:48,518 What, are you knocked up? What's the real reason? What is it? 300 00:12:49,019 --> 00:12:51,188 It's the way you operate, ma'am. 301 00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:52,673 You have a great way of operating. 302 00:12:52,731 --> 00:12:54,167 - I absolutely do. - It's terrific, really. 303 00:12:54,191 --> 00:12:57,027 - Yeah. - But it's not the way I like to operate. 304 00:12:57,110 --> 00:12:58,570 So, I'm sorry, I just can't. 305 00:12:58,654 --> 00:13:01,406 - I can see you're upset. - No, I'm not... I mean, I am upset. 306 00:13:01,490 --> 00:13:03,325 Why wouldn't I be upset? This is bullshit. 307 00:13:03,408 --> 00:13:05,786 Well, I can assure you there is no one more upset than me. 308 00:13:05,869 --> 00:13:07,454 You don't look upset at all, Danny. 309 00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:08,997 That's just military training. 310 00:13:09,081 --> 00:13:10,516 I'm sorry, but I have to address the convention. 311 00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,084 No, wait a minute. Wait, wait. 312 00:13:12,167 --> 00:13:14,103 I'm sorry, didn't mean to pull that. But listen to me. 313 00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:16,004 - What comes after veep? - President? 314 00:13:16,088 --> 00:13:17,839 President, right. 315 00:13:17,923 --> 00:13:21,051 - And you never know. - Someday somebody mightjust... 316 00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:24,763 I'm sorry. Again, thank you for asking. 317 00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:26,139 I am honored and humbled. 318 00:13:26,390 --> 00:13:27,641 No, you're not! 319 00:13:29,351 --> 00:13:31,144 - He said no. - All: Oh, god! 320 00:13:31,228 --> 00:13:33,271 Actually, let me elaborate on that. 321 00:13:33,355 --> 00:13:36,358 The shitty, two-faced, fat fucking turd said no. 322 00:13:36,441 --> 00:13:38,819 Okay, this is a curveball we will need to address. 323 00:13:38,902 --> 00:13:41,113 I've got to announce someone. What am I supposed to do? 324 00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:42,423 I'm supposed to walk out on stage 325 00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:44,509 and then keep walking till I fall off the other side? 326 00:13:44,533 --> 00:13:47,244 My advice, Tom James. 327 00:13:47,619 --> 00:13:49,204 Everyone likes Tom James. 328 00:13:49,287 --> 00:13:51,581 I like Tom James and I hate everyone. 329 00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:55,711 He has a disabled son, check. Wounded serving his country, check. 330 00:13:55,794 --> 00:13:57,794 Is the checklist complete? Yeah. 331 00:13:58,046 --> 00:13:59,339 - No. - We both say no. 332 00:13:59,423 --> 00:14:00,566 Hey, you know what? I got an idea. 333 00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:01,818 No, you don't. You just think you do. 334 00:14:01,842 --> 00:14:03,403 Go on, Gary. I think you've got something. 335 00:14:03,427 --> 00:14:05,929 Thank you, Karen. Why don't we ask Doyle back? 336 00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:09,558 He announced he's leaving. 337 00:14:09,641 --> 00:14:11,935 Okay, does anybody want a coffee? 338 00:14:12,102 --> 00:14:14,187 Maddox! That's right, Maddox. 339 00:14:14,271 --> 00:14:16,189 - Minority, military. - That's your veep. 340 00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:17,917 - Everybody stop having ideas. - You're kidding. 341 00:14:17,941 --> 00:14:19,252 No, I'm not kidding at all. Mike, 342 00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:20,503 - get Maddox. Find his team. - Yeah. 343 00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,280 - On it. I'm on it. - Ma'am, update on the death row guy. 344 00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:24,698 Sue, forget him. He's irrelevant. 345 00:14:24,781 --> 00:14:26,825 - He died. - Oh, finally, right? 346 00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:28,410 It's one less thing to worry about. 347 00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:31,580 Where are you? I need you to go to the convention floor, Todd, 348 00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:33,123 and get Maddox. 349 00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:35,435 Hey, Mike, I hear you guys are looking for a new veep. 350 00:14:35,459 --> 00:14:37,127 - Uh, it won't be you. - No, no, no, god. 351 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,171 I was just gonna suggest someone... oh, god. 352 00:14:39,254 --> 00:14:42,132 I was gonna suggest Danny chung. He seems like the obvious choice. 353 00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,135 He's fit to run. He's so physically fit. 354 00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:48,513 Thank you so much for this warmest of welcomes. 355 00:14:48,930 --> 00:14:51,975 You know, it reminds me of the first time I was here. 356 00:14:52,476 --> 00:14:54,436 Uh, chungmania. 357 00:14:56,313 --> 00:14:58,065 How will I ever live that down, huh? 358 00:15:02,319 --> 00:15:05,906 Well, of course you know why I asked to speak with you today, George. 359 00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:08,241 Well, I imagine it's not for my hamburger recipe. 360 00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:13,246 - Is it good? - Well, I don't cook. 361 00:15:13,330 --> 00:15:15,499 - That was a joke. - Right, sure, sure. 362 00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,834 Actually, I have very little sense of taste. 363 00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:19,503 Hence the tie. 364 00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,923 Okay. Great. Great. 365 00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:26,176 Well, I really wanted to know how you might feel 366 00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,887 about being my running mate. 367 00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:30,514 Great. 368 00:15:30,639 --> 00:15:33,225 I mean, my people told me I should joke around. 369 00:15:33,308 --> 00:15:36,978 - Uh-huh. Yeah. - But I'm a fiercely ambitious man. 370 00:15:37,062 --> 00:15:38,814 And I know how to get things done. 371 00:15:38,897 --> 00:15:41,525 Not that you don't. Though people say you don't. 372 00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:46,363 Okay. Well, we're looking at all options. 373 00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:49,449 Ben is calling me. So I've got to... 374 00:15:49,533 --> 00:15:51,910 He just closed the door, so I'm gonna have to head out. 375 00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:54,871 But thank you so much. I appreciate you coming by, yeah. 376 00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:02,188 Wait a minute, you're telling me that these are all the people 377 00:16:02,212 --> 00:16:04,881 that I vetted before I chose Doyle? There's so many of them. 378 00:16:04,965 --> 00:16:08,152 - Yeah, you didn't like any of them. - Well, that was then, and this is not then. 379 00:16:08,176 --> 00:16:10,470 - Olsen polled okay. - He's got a drinking problem. 380 00:16:10,554 --> 00:16:13,157 - He's got a drinking problem. - Yeah, shoe Polish and he never even shared. 381 00:16:13,181 --> 00:16:15,392 Well, we could go all female, ma'am. 382 00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:16,810 - What? - Leanne Harris. 383 00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:19,062 Are you trying to blow up the universe now? 384 00:16:19,146 --> 00:16:21,273 Who's gonna go for two women on the ticket? 385 00:16:21,356 --> 00:16:24,151 I guess we could all eat pussy all day long, too, right? 386 00:16:24,234 --> 00:16:26,319 Tom James is a man. 387 00:16:26,403 --> 00:16:28,989 We need a Tom James-y type, you know? 388 00:16:29,072 --> 00:16:31,449 From the south. And latino. 389 00:16:31,533 --> 00:16:35,078 Well, he's not southern or latino, but what about culverson? 390 00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:37,998 - He's 86. - Yeah, that's why we 86'd him, Mike. 391 00:16:38,081 --> 00:16:40,625 The candidate needs to live up to and through the election. 392 00:16:40,709 --> 00:16:41,835 Tom James? 393 00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:44,379 God, why is it hard to find somebody for this job? 394 00:16:44,462 --> 00:16:46,464 - I mean, it is such a great job. - Man: Mmm-hmm. 395 00:16:46,548 --> 00:16:48,049 - Such a great job. - Yeah. 396 00:16:49,551 --> 00:16:52,888 Folks, I am an American 397 00:16:53,722 --> 00:16:55,223 with a merry plan. 398 00:16:55,307 --> 00:16:59,102 I subscribe to a "whistle while you work" philosophy. 399 00:17:01,730 --> 00:17:04,191 If this is supposed to be dead, it shouldn't be in the center. 400 00:17:04,274 --> 00:17:05,543 - Ma'am. Ma'am. - There's absolutely no way 401 00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:06,752 we're going to be able to... what? 402 00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,504 Ma'am, I don't want to sound like a broken record, 403 00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:11,198 but Tom James, Tom James, Tom James. 404 00:17:11,281 --> 00:17:13,366 Okay, stop it. Just stop it. 405 00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:15,660 Why not? 406 00:17:15,827 --> 00:17:17,471 Karen: Amy, I don't want you to take this the wrong way, 407 00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:20,123 but you are being a little irritating. 408 00:17:20,624 --> 00:17:22,685 Selina: Well, maybe not a little bit. Karen: A iota bit. 409 00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:24,294 - Selina: That's right. - Then who? 410 00:17:24,836 --> 00:17:26,129 I don't... 411 00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:29,883 - Him? - No! No! Fuck, no! 412 00:17:29,966 --> 00:17:32,469 Well, he's completely inept, right? 413 00:17:32,594 --> 00:17:35,013 - But you can make inept work. - True. 414 00:17:35,096 --> 00:17:36,973 You can say the same of a potato. 415 00:17:37,349 --> 00:17:39,142 Go get Pierce for me, okay, Ben? 416 00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:40,810 - Okay. - We should talk to him. 417 00:17:41,019 --> 00:17:45,482 My head hurts from all the wondrous possibilities. 418 00:17:46,358 --> 00:17:48,078 Selina: Karen, what do you think of Pierce? 419 00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:50,737 Well, I think there are pros and cons to every candidate, 420 00:17:50,820 --> 00:17:52,989 so we just need to weigh up the pros and cons. 421 00:17:53,073 --> 00:17:56,326 Have you been sent from the future to destroy me? 422 00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:57,661 'Cause it's working. 423 00:17:58,161 --> 00:18:00,640 "I think that each candidate has merits and demerits. 424 00:18:00,664 --> 00:18:02,600 "And I don't know my left butt cheek from my right butt cheek, 425 00:18:02,624 --> 00:18:05,895 "but I believe in listening to both butt cheeks and then farting out my asshole mouth." 426 00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:08,338 - Okay. - It's not even bullshit. 427 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:11,049 Bullshitting takes talent. You have none. 428 00:18:11,132 --> 00:18:13,051 You are just a blah, blah, blah, blah bitch. 429 00:18:13,134 --> 00:18:15,720 Okay, Amy, that is enough. 430 00:18:15,804 --> 00:18:21,226 I have bitten my tongue so long, it looks like a dog's cushion. 431 00:18:21,309 --> 00:18:22,978 But no more. 432 00:18:23,061 --> 00:18:27,691 You have made it impossible to do this job. 433 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:32,529 You have two settings. No decision and bad decision. 434 00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:36,283 I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the coast guard 435 00:18:36,366 --> 00:18:41,496 and the fire department standing by, but yet here you are running america. 436 00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:45,292 You are the worst thing that has happened to this country 437 00:18:45,375 --> 00:18:48,295 since food in buckets and maybe slavery. 438 00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:51,715 I've had enough. I'm gone. 439 00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:56,678 Well, I guess she's finished with her little... 440 00:18:56,761 --> 00:18:59,764 Oh. Nope. Look at that, there's more. 441 00:18:59,848 --> 00:19:02,475 - You have achieved nothing. - Uh-huh. 442 00:19:02,559 --> 00:19:04,394 Apart from one thing. 443 00:19:04,519 --> 00:19:08,898 The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents, 444 00:19:08,982 --> 00:19:12,027 because we tried one and she fucking sucked. 445 00:19:13,194 --> 00:19:14,529 Goodbye, ma'am. 446 00:19:21,536 --> 00:19:24,247 Well, that was clearly about me. 447 00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:26,958 She's just one of those women who resents powerful women. 448 00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:30,920 Man. 449 00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:39,971 I'm gonna want to talk to Tom James. 450 00:19:40,472 --> 00:19:41,890 - Okay. - Selina: Yeah. 451 00:19:44,768 --> 00:19:46,061 - Karen. - Karen: Yes? 452 00:19:46,144 --> 00:19:48,021 What do you think of Tom James? 453 00:19:48,229 --> 00:19:51,441 What do I think of him? I think there's a lot to think. 454 00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:55,487 - Thank you. - Of course. 455 00:19:57,614 --> 00:19:59,407 That's 202-337... 456 00:19:59,491 --> 00:20:00,992 Yeah, I know what Amy's number is. 457 00:20:01,326 --> 00:20:03,870 Just don't make me look too bad in this one, all right? 458 00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:06,599 Why would I make you look bad? You're the one that would make me look bad, 459 00:20:06,623 --> 00:20:08,225 but only after you're done making yourself look bad. 460 00:20:08,249 --> 00:20:11,294 To be honest, you guys, I think you're both tremendous, so... 461 00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:12,796 Holy shit. 462 00:20:13,421 --> 00:20:14,547 Amy's gone. 463 00:20:14,631 --> 00:20:15,840 Holy shit, that's insane. 464 00:20:15,924 --> 00:20:17,467 Wow, I'm getting the same thing, guys. 465 00:20:17,842 --> 00:20:20,637 You know, maybe we're getting the same text message. Yeah, we are. 466 00:20:20,845 --> 00:20:22,931 Okay, look, we need a plan. 467 00:20:23,014 --> 00:20:24,015 Hmm. 468 00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:27,119 - Nothing? - It sounded like you had a plan. 469 00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:28,537 - There's two of you. - What? That means 470 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:29,955 we immediately have a fucking plan? 471 00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:32,857 All right, look, bottom line, we cannot let Mr. Zucchini 472 00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:34,567 the human vegetable find out about this. 473 00:20:34,651 --> 00:20:36,170 - Why would we tell him, Dan? - I don't know! 474 00:20:36,194 --> 00:20:38,994 Look, just keep your mouths shut. Let me do all the talking, all right? 475 00:20:39,155 --> 00:20:41,699 - Ian. - Is Amy brookheimer on the phone? 476 00:20:44,119 --> 00:20:45,513 Yeah, I'm gonna throw that over to Jonah. 477 00:20:45,537 --> 00:20:47,956 She was his contact. They dated for a while. So, Jonah? 478 00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:49,332 Jonah? 479 00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:51,543 Thank you, Dan. 480 00:20:55,713 --> 00:20:58,591 Amy is too busy right now at the convention. 481 00:20:58,675 --> 00:21:00,385 She's working at the convention. 482 00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:02,345 - She's working. - I heard she walked. 483 00:21:02,720 --> 00:21:05,765 - Oh, I hadn't... - Which I am going to do now. 484 00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:08,560 No, no, Ian, Ian. Listen to me. I have a little black book, okay? 485 00:21:08,643 --> 00:21:10,483 I have numbers the NSA doesn't even know about. 486 00:21:10,854 --> 00:21:12,230 Have you heard of Mike mclintock? 487 00:21:16,025 --> 00:21:17,652 Okay, you two, get out of my office. 488 00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:18,879 - It was a pleasure, sir. - No. 489 00:21:18,903 --> 00:21:20,530 - Nope. - No. 490 00:21:23,199 --> 00:21:24,909 Two or three speakers before he speaks, 491 00:21:24,993 --> 00:21:26,762 so we have about 20 minutes. 492 00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,329 - Steve: Tom James! - Hey, Steve. 493 00:21:28,413 --> 00:21:30,373 You miss me? I know I missed me. 494 00:21:30,457 --> 00:21:34,544 Hey, Mary, how come the world changes and you remain the same? 495 00:21:34,878 --> 00:21:38,256 Cal, heard what you said about South Korea. I think you got the wrong Korea. 496 00:21:38,339 --> 00:21:41,759 Marty, loving those papers on tort reform so hard. 497 00:21:41,843 --> 00:21:43,845 My wife is starting to suspect something. 498 00:21:43,928 --> 00:21:46,556 Teresa, you killed it on front/ine. 499 00:21:46,639 --> 00:21:49,225 They had to put police tape around the desk after you were done. 500 00:21:49,309 --> 00:21:51,144 Hey, natty. What a cool guy. 501 00:21:51,227 --> 00:21:53,813 You shit ice cubes and you piss snowflakes, right? 502 00:21:54,606 --> 00:21:58,359 Hey. What a great convention. Best one in four years. 503 00:21:58,776 --> 00:21:59,819 He's on his way up. 504 00:21:59,903 --> 00:22:01,672 Oh, my god, do you think this is the right decision? 505 00:22:01,696 --> 00:22:03,132 - Yes. - Maybe we should take a step back 506 00:22:03,156 --> 00:22:04,324 and just reassess. 507 00:22:04,407 --> 00:22:06,701 Are you serious? This guy is an all-American hero. 508 00:22:06,784 --> 00:22:07,864 - Like evel knievel. - Yeah. 509 00:22:07,911 --> 00:22:10,038 - No, better. Lovely knovley. - I like that. 510 00:22:10,121 --> 00:22:12,999 Oh, come on, Mike, everyone has skeletons. Ask any bagman. 511 00:22:13,082 --> 00:22:17,253 - Not this guy. No. - He has one skeleton. You're looking at her. 512 00:22:17,337 --> 00:22:18,338 Oh, my god, is that why 513 00:22:18,421 --> 00:22:19,565 - you didn't want to choose him? - Mmm-hmm. 514 00:22:19,589 --> 00:22:21,341 - Okay, ma'am, showtime. - Okay. 515 00:22:26,763 --> 00:22:28,473 - Room service. - Oh, god! 516 00:22:29,140 --> 00:22:33,186 Oh, come on, Tom James. My knight in shining armor. 517 00:22:33,269 --> 00:22:36,189 My damsel in... madam president. 518 00:22:36,272 --> 00:22:37,690 You know Mike mclintock. 519 00:22:37,774 --> 00:22:39,025 - Mike, how are you? - Senator. 520 00:22:39,108 --> 00:22:40,461 - And Kent davison. - Senator, a pleasure. 521 00:22:40,485 --> 00:22:41,754 - It's good to see you. - I'm Karen. 522 00:22:41,778 --> 00:22:44,531 - Gary. - So can we offer you something to drink? 523 00:22:44,614 --> 00:22:47,617 I could murder and make a lampshade out of a Manhattan. 524 00:22:48,493 --> 00:22:50,513 - But just a water will be... thank you. - Absolutely. 525 00:22:50,537 --> 00:22:52,247 Great. Uh, excuse me. 526 00:22:53,039 --> 00:22:55,083 - I would like something to drink. - Uh-huh. 527 00:22:55,166 --> 00:22:56,417 - Water? - Bourbon, neat. 528 00:22:56,501 --> 00:22:58,211 Yeah, okay. 529 00:22:58,294 --> 00:22:59,772 You need to go straighten up my room. 530 00:22:59,796 --> 00:23:01,297 - Okay. Hello. - Hurry up. 531 00:23:01,965 --> 00:23:05,343 - So why don't we just head this way... - This way? 532 00:23:05,426 --> 00:23:06,987 - So we can have a little private... - Sure. 533 00:23:07,011 --> 00:23:08,304 Gabbing time. 534 00:23:08,388 --> 00:23:10,056 - Gabbing time. - Gabbing time. 535 00:23:10,139 --> 00:23:11,641 That's all right. 536 00:23:11,724 --> 00:23:13,059 It's fine. Come. 537 00:23:13,142 --> 00:23:15,812 So you're back in the game, huh? 538 00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:17,564 - I certainly am. - Wonderful. 539 00:23:17,647 --> 00:23:20,066 - How are you feeling? Yeah? - Good. Feels good. 540 00:23:20,149 --> 00:23:22,777 And what about your son Ryan? How is he doing? 541 00:23:22,944 --> 00:23:25,572 - He's on the mend. He's in a lot of pain. - Hmm. 542 00:23:25,655 --> 00:23:30,410 They inserted these pins into his hip. And it's gonna be a long road. 543 00:23:30,493 --> 00:23:34,205 I don't want to rush you, but I do need to ask you this, Tom. 544 00:23:36,249 --> 00:23:39,210 Would you join me 545 00:23:39,294 --> 00:23:41,838 on the ticket as my running mate? 546 00:23:44,132 --> 00:23:45,925 Madam president, I... 547 00:23:47,802 --> 00:23:50,430 I had a feeling that this was in the wind. 548 00:23:50,513 --> 00:23:52,265 Sure, okay. Yeah. 549 00:23:52,473 --> 00:23:55,101 I'm afraid, with deep regret... 550 00:23:55,768 --> 00:23:56,936 Oh, my god. 551 00:23:57,020 --> 00:23:59,188 That I'm going to have to accept. 552 00:24:00,231 --> 00:24:01,399 Wait, what? 553 00:24:02,275 --> 00:24:04,152 No, you didn't just do that to me! 554 00:24:04,360 --> 00:24:07,488 - I... I... - Oh, my god. Guys! 555 00:24:07,572 --> 00:24:11,034 - Guys! - Guys, look what I got! Look what I got! 556 00:24:11,117 --> 00:24:12,785 - Oh, sounds like good news. - I got him. 557 00:24:12,869 --> 00:24:14,555 - Welcome aboard, senator. - Thank you. Thank you. 558 00:24:14,579 --> 00:24:16,998 You are so bad. You are naughty. 559 00:24:17,081 --> 00:24:19,961 I just said, "would you join me on the ticket as my running mate?" Right? 560 00:24:20,043 --> 00:24:21,711 - And tell what you just did. - Uh... 561 00:24:21,794 --> 00:24:25,298 Well, I said, "madam president, it is with deep regret..." 562 00:24:25,381 --> 00:24:28,009 Uh... false expectation. Set her up. 563 00:24:28,092 --> 00:24:33,222 No, no, no. I said, "it is with deep regret, I'm afraid I'm going to have to accept." 564 00:24:34,682 --> 00:24:36,100 I can't believe it. 565 00:24:36,184 --> 00:24:38,227 Nicely done. Very nicely done. 566 00:24:38,311 --> 00:24:40,813 - Can you stand it? - What? What? What? 567 00:24:40,897 --> 00:24:42,666 - Come on, what happened? What happened? - Oh, my god, Mike. 568 00:24:42,690 --> 00:24:43,876 - You are gonna die. - Listen to this. 569 00:24:43,900 --> 00:24:45,276 - What? What? - This is hilarious. 570 00:24:45,360 --> 00:24:49,113 I just said to Tom, you know, "will you join me on the ticket as my running mate?" 571 00:24:49,197 --> 00:24:51,557 - Right? Okay, so then tell what you just did. - Yeah. Yeah. 572 00:24:51,866 --> 00:24:53,493 - Again? - Yeah, definitely tell him. 573 00:24:53,576 --> 00:24:55,304 - Please. Can't wait. - It's hilarious. Tell him. 574 00:24:55,328 --> 00:24:58,581 Well, I said, "madam president, with deep regret..." 575 00:24:58,665 --> 00:25:00,667 No, you didn't say that. He did not say that. 576 00:25:00,750 --> 00:25:03,002 No, wait, that's not even the best part. Listen. 577 00:25:03,086 --> 00:25:05,129 Then I said, "I'm afraid..." 578 00:25:05,213 --> 00:25:07,382 "I'm going to have to accept." 579 00:25:07,674 --> 00:25:08,841 He accepted. 580 00:25:10,218 --> 00:25:13,262 He accepted. Oh, it's tremendous. 581 00:25:14,681 --> 00:25:16,599 Welcome to the ticket. 582 00:25:16,683 --> 00:25:18,518 - Thank you, Mike. - You joker. 583 00:25:18,601 --> 00:25:20,853 Okay, you need to go get things going, right? 584 00:25:20,937 --> 00:25:23,106 Oh, gosh, yes. It is with deep regret I must work. 585 00:25:24,357 --> 00:25:27,443 This is the best announcement since all those pandas got pregnant. 586 00:25:27,527 --> 00:25:28,945 I don't know what that means. 587 00:25:29,112 --> 00:25:30,196 - Toast! - Thank you. 588 00:25:30,279 --> 00:25:32,281 - Deep regret. - To deep regret. 589 00:25:32,407 --> 00:25:34,158 Indeed, indeed. 590 00:25:34,992 --> 00:25:37,578 Yeah. Well, we have to Mark the moment, don't we? 591 00:25:38,121 --> 00:25:39,431 I'll tell you what, let's scooch down here 592 00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:40,683 - just a little bit. - That's good. 593 00:25:40,707 --> 00:25:42,875 Yeah? There we go. Take it quick, quick, quick. 594 00:25:42,959 --> 00:25:44,836 Okay, all right, that's fine. That's enough. 595 00:25:44,919 --> 00:25:46,045 - Okay. - Thank you. 596 00:25:46,129 --> 00:25:47,922 I should sit down with Amy brookheimer, 597 00:25:48,005 --> 00:25:49,382 see where I fit into the plan. 598 00:25:49,632 --> 00:25:52,218 - Yeah, I had to let her go. - Yeah, she went crazy. 599 00:25:52,552 --> 00:25:55,638 - Yeah. - 80 you don't have a campaign manager? 600 00:25:55,805 --> 00:25:57,348 No, no. We do, yeah. 601 00:25:57,473 --> 00:25:59,475 That's all completely under control. 602 00:25:59,559 --> 00:26:02,395 Our campaign manager is... uh... 603 00:26:02,478 --> 00:26:04,939 - Kent. - Roger that. 604 00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:08,067 - Well, that was a meeting that I wasn't at. - That is correct. 605 00:26:08,151 --> 00:26:10,486 The press are excited about Tom James. 606 00:26:10,570 --> 00:26:11,904 I bet they are! 607 00:26:11,988 --> 00:26:14,866 But we have to tell them who our new campaign manager is asap. 608 00:26:14,949 --> 00:26:17,952 Okay, good. You can go do that, then. That's great. 609 00:26:19,954 --> 00:26:21,164 Okay. 610 00:26:21,998 --> 00:26:24,083 - I love your tie. I love your tie. - Me? 611 00:26:24,167 --> 00:26:25,501 - It's so nice. - Thank you. 612 00:26:27,837 --> 00:26:28,963 - Kent. - Kent: Yes, ma'am? 613 00:26:29,672 --> 00:26:31,090 Do you have the New York times? 614 00:26:31,174 --> 00:26:33,050 - Uh, I can get it for you. Absolutely. - Good. 615 00:26:33,342 --> 00:26:37,013 So she asked me if I would sign her breast. 616 00:26:37,096 --> 00:26:40,099 I said, "uh... how about I sign your arm?" 617 00:26:40,266 --> 00:26:41,976 - Karen. - She said, "that's no good. 618 00:26:42,059 --> 00:26:43,269 "Who's gonna see that?" 619 00:26:43,352 --> 00:26:45,563 What do you think about, you know, the group? 620 00:26:45,688 --> 00:26:48,917 Well, I feel like there are some people who should be here and some who shouldn't. 621 00:26:48,941 --> 00:26:51,152 - That's exactly how the president feels. - Good. 622 00:26:51,235 --> 00:26:53,696 Yeah, which is why she's asked me to let you go. 623 00:26:54,489 --> 00:26:55,907 - Interesting. - Yeah. 624 00:26:55,990 --> 00:26:57,700 Your champagne's been laced with polonium. 625 00:26:58,117 --> 00:27:00,995 I mean, not really. It's just to lighten up the moment a little bit. 626 00:27:01,078 --> 00:27:03,748 But she definitely wants you to go. 627 00:27:04,707 --> 00:27:07,168 - So how you feeling? - I don't know what to think. 628 00:27:07,877 --> 00:27:11,047 Precisely. You can just use that... The door right there. 629 00:27:11,631 --> 00:27:12,882 - Okay. - Okay. 630 00:27:15,426 --> 00:27:16,594 All clear, ma'am. 631 00:27:19,013 --> 00:27:22,809 You don't have to risk your own life to save another like I did 632 00:27:22,892 --> 00:27:24,477 to join the hero club. 633 00:27:24,811 --> 00:27:28,898 No, every single day Americans do something that's heroic. 634 00:27:29,649 --> 00:27:32,902 They live in a democracy. That's real heroism. 635 00:27:34,904 --> 00:27:37,448 Selina: Hey, hey, hey. Oh! 636 00:27:37,532 --> 00:27:39,450 - Thank you. Thank you. - Thank you. 637 00:27:39,659 --> 00:27:42,119 Did you guys like that kiss? 638 00:27:42,203 --> 00:27:43,412 You did? 639 00:27:43,496 --> 00:27:46,374 Well, you know, it's funny because we actually bumped teeth there. 640 00:27:46,457 --> 00:27:48,000 I guess you guys missed it, 641 00:27:48,084 --> 00:27:50,253 but you know, we have our whole lives to practice that. 642 00:27:51,128 --> 00:27:52,338 And we will. 643 00:27:52,922 --> 00:27:56,092 Selina: You leave this man alone, okay? Precious cargo right here. 644 00:27:56,843 --> 00:27:58,237 Tom: Thank you. Selina: Well, he's my cheerleader. 645 00:27:58,261 --> 00:27:59,929 Yeah, I've got to get him pom-poms. 646 00:28:01,931 --> 00:28:05,268 Thank you all so much again. Thank you. America! 647 00:28:06,269 --> 00:28:08,771 Selina: Yes, thank you. Thank you. 648 00:28:08,855 --> 00:28:11,023 Tom: Do you ever get tired of this? 649 00:28:11,232 --> 00:28:12,942 Selina: Really tired of it, yeah. Tom: Oh.