1 00:00:06,424 --> 00:00:08,467 (Theme music playing) 2 00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:22,899 Man: Mr. Speaker, the president of the United States! 3 00:00:23,608 --> 00:00:24,775 (Crowd cheering) 4 00:00:25,902 --> 00:00:27,236 Selina: Thank you! 5 00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:28,696 We're making history. 6 00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:31,032 We're the first woman president, right? 7 00:00:31,115 --> 00:00:32,700 Well, I am. You're not, Michael. 8 00:00:32,783 --> 00:00:35,912 I am. Ow, you're hurting my hand. Hi. 9 00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:38,831 Oh, I see you. 10 00:00:38,915 --> 00:00:40,958 Thank you. Well, I'm getting jiggy with it. 11 00:00:41,042 --> 00:00:43,377 I'm gonna get that Philip roth book back to you. 12 00:00:43,461 --> 00:00:44,754 I haven't forgotten about it. 13 00:00:44,837 --> 00:00:46,923 God, I can't even hear myself. 14 00:00:47,006 --> 00:00:49,842 Am I talking? It's hard for me to hear me. 15 00:00:49,926 --> 00:00:50,927 (Laughs) 16 00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:53,554 Thank you, Mr. Speaker, 17 00:00:53,638 --> 00:00:55,431 Mr. Vice president, 18 00:00:55,514 --> 00:00:58,351 members of congress, 19 00:00:58,434 --> 00:01:00,728 my fellow Americans. 20 00:01:00,811 --> 00:01:02,855 I'd like to begin today... 21 00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:09,320 By saying a few words. 22 00:01:16,035 --> 00:01:18,275 Dan: You know, some content would be nice in this speech. 23 00:01:18,329 --> 00:01:20,665 This is just noise-shaped air. 24 00:01:20,790 --> 00:01:24,460 I know, and she's reading it tomorrow, out loud in front of an audience. 25 00:01:24,543 --> 00:01:25,544 (Machine hums) 26 00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:27,922 - Hi, boss. - Dan: Are you still juicing? 27 00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:29,924 - Yeah. - Mike trying to be healthy. 28 00:01:30,007 --> 00:01:31,592 It's like a potato trying to whistle. 29 00:01:31,676 --> 00:01:35,054 Wendy and I made a deal. If I make it to 50, I can quit fruit for good. 30 00:01:35,137 --> 00:01:36,740 What did you think of the draft from last night? 31 00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:38,266 Potus says the speech is too vague. 32 00:01:38,349 --> 00:01:40,109 - I thought she wanted it vague. - Hey there. 33 00:01:40,142 --> 00:01:41,936 I guess we did too good a job. 34 00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:44,498 So, we still don't know what's going in her speech to the joint session. 35 00:01:44,522 --> 00:01:46,250 I mean, what do we do? Google it like a best man speech? 36 00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:47,692 Relax, it'll come together. 37 00:01:47,775 --> 00:01:50,212 It always has with every president I've been comm director for. 38 00:01:50,236 --> 00:01:53,030 - How many is that? - This would be my second. 39 00:01:53,197 --> 00:01:55,837 And actually, it didn't always come together with president Hughes. 40 00:01:55,866 --> 00:01:58,119 We had many failures. 41 00:01:58,202 --> 00:01:59,221 I guess I just got used to it. 42 00:01:59,245 --> 00:02:00,371 Great pep talk, man. 43 00:02:00,454 --> 00:02:01,455 (Laughs) 44 00:02:03,082 --> 00:02:05,644 Sue: Ma'am, Ben is getting Amy's direct mail plans for you to approve, 45 00:02:05,668 --> 00:02:07,712 then you meet the Attorney General re Chicago 46 00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:10,047 after you swear in Ann James as housing sec. 47 00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:12,859 You have five priority calls in a holding pattern, 48 00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:15,386 which can happen between Moldova and skin cancer. 49 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:16,470 Okay. 50 00:02:16,554 --> 00:02:18,198 And then you have a potential 15-minute break. 51 00:02:18,222 --> 00:02:21,582 All right, during which I can sleep and you can squeeze nutrient paste into my mouth. 52 00:02:21,684 --> 00:02:22,828 Uh, don't count on it, ma'am. 53 00:02:22,852 --> 00:02:26,022 Us warship on exercises just collided with a Greek fishing boat. 54 00:02:26,105 --> 00:02:27,732 - Two fatalities, ma'am. - Oh. 55 00:02:27,857 --> 00:02:30,484 Yeah, we're looking at a big, fat Greek funeral. 56 00:02:30,568 --> 00:02:32,045 I'll arrange for you to make a statement, ma'am. 57 00:02:32,069 --> 00:02:33,654 Yeah, 'cause I'm the president, see? 58 00:02:33,738 --> 00:02:35,072 Everything's my fault now. 59 00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:37,992 Hey, do I have time to talk to Jim and Dan and Mike? 60 00:02:38,075 --> 00:02:39,994 - Uh, no, you don't. - I want to. 61 00:02:40,077 --> 00:02:41,829 - Then you can. - Right. 62 00:02:42,079 --> 00:02:45,333 The opening's good. The stuff about Hughes and flotus, section a. 63 00:02:45,416 --> 00:02:47,710 There isn't an a. We're numbering the sections. 64 00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:49,837 - We are? - We are. We agreed on numbers. 65 00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:51,672 So section a is now section one. 66 00:02:51,756 --> 00:02:53,382 Harvard education right there. 67 00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:55,968 Hey, who is that? 68 00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:59,013 Oh, I want to say Chloe or Ellie. 69 00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:00,348 Dan: Ally. No, Sally. 70 00:03:00,431 --> 00:03:03,809 There are a million young women around here and they all look exactly the same to me. 71 00:03:03,893 --> 00:03:05,686 - You big lady racist. - (Laughs) 72 00:03:05,770 --> 00:03:08,272 Hey, guys, I had an idea. 73 00:03:09,732 --> 00:03:10,917 Smells like Puerto Rico in here. 74 00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:12,026 I'm juicing. 75 00:03:13,444 --> 00:03:17,031 Oh, okay. So how about this idea? 76 00:03:17,114 --> 00:03:20,910 How about if we take the cut section of the president Hughes draft 77 00:03:20,993 --> 00:03:25,206 and we put it together with the spendy section of my families first draft, right? 78 00:03:25,331 --> 00:03:26,767 Plus with the breast-feeding business. 79 00:03:26,791 --> 00:03:31,379 Yes, ma'am. That's files mike11a1 and mike11a11. 80 00:03:31,462 --> 00:03:32,782 - That's for my reference. - Okay. 81 00:03:32,838 --> 00:03:36,008 Ma'am, they still haven't found the three missing hikers. 82 00:03:36,092 --> 00:03:39,178 - Cathy will keep you updated. - Oh, thank you. 83 00:03:41,263 --> 00:03:43,557 - Who is that? - Hey, who is Cathy? 84 00:03:45,476 --> 00:03:47,436 I've got to go. All right, come on. 85 00:03:47,937 --> 00:03:50,064 That was the actual president of the United States. 86 00:03:50,147 --> 00:03:51,273 It never stops being cool. 87 00:03:51,357 --> 00:03:53,317 - She calls me Mike. - That is your name. 88 00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:56,904 Obviously we're gonna need to talk about president Hughes. 89 00:03:56,987 --> 00:04:00,408 You know, "thanks a million, take it easy." Let's just keep it short, though. 90 00:04:00,491 --> 00:04:02,243 And then that's where we put in 91 00:04:02,326 --> 00:04:04,703 - my vision for the future, okay? - Mmm-hmm. 92 00:04:04,787 --> 00:04:07,289 For now, just put a marker that just says "future whatever." 93 00:04:07,373 --> 00:04:10,310 It's just that I've got an intelligence briefing that I've got to get to, okay? 94 00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:12,336 Okay, you know what we should do is prioritize. 95 00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,780 - 'Cause there's like the cutty and the spendy... - I agree. 96 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:15,923 - Oh. - (Laughs) 97 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,843 Suckers. (Laughs) 98 00:04:20,010 --> 00:04:22,680 Hey, ma'am, I can't go in this intelligence briefing with you. 99 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,443 - Right. - Is there anything that you need? 100 00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:26,153 I got those Dutch eye-drops you requested. 101 00:04:26,225 --> 00:04:28,144 No, I don't need you, Gary. 102 00:04:28,227 --> 00:04:30,521 Great. Great. I just thought I'd ask. Here's your coffee. 103 00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:31,647 - No. - Okay. 104 00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:33,941 Yeah, um, ma'am, 105 00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:38,028 have you given any thought to the vice president being at these meetings? 106 00:04:38,154 --> 00:04:40,072 Oh, wow. 107 00:04:40,156 --> 00:04:44,785 You know, I mean, iwouldn't want him to have the shitty experience that I had as veep. 108 00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:48,831 Unfortunately, the precedent has been set for this meeting, 109 00:04:48,914 --> 00:04:50,708 so I wouldn't want to go change things... 110 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:52,511 - Not at this early stage. - Exactly. Right. 111 00:04:57,715 --> 00:04:59,133 President needs the bag. 112 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:00,296 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. 113 00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:01,552 She only needs the bag. 114 00:05:01,719 --> 00:05:04,847 Okay, it's not that simple. Hey, hey, hey, easy. 115 00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,450 You're holding it wrong. You're holding it wrong. 116 00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:07,475 (Door closes) 117 00:05:08,893 --> 00:05:13,314 Ladies be crying, pimps be dying. It's Jonah Ryan. 118 00:05:13,397 --> 00:05:15,483 Ah, I thought I heard a little girl's voice. 119 00:05:15,566 --> 00:05:17,318 - I was right. - Hello, sir. 120 00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:19,278 Come with me. 121 00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:20,821 This is a man hang now. 122 00:05:20,905 --> 00:05:24,283 It doesn't reek of moisturizer and vaginal spray anymore. 123 00:05:24,366 --> 00:05:26,619 - And that was just Dan. - (Laughter) 124 00:05:27,453 --> 00:05:28,787 Hey, big guy. How's it hanging? 125 00:05:28,871 --> 00:05:31,582 You know, pretty good. Like a strap-on in a porn dungeon. 126 00:05:31,749 --> 00:05:33,501 Rock hard and covered in pussyjuice. 127 00:05:33,584 --> 00:05:34,585 (Laughs) 128 00:05:34,877 --> 00:05:36,688 You like that? I got a ton of 'em. You can ask me again. 129 00:05:36,712 --> 00:05:37,838 Hey, how's it hanging? 130 00:05:37,922 --> 00:05:40,299 - Uh, like a fat meat fence post... - Doyle: Mr. Ryan. 131 00:05:40,382 --> 00:05:42,718 Oh, Mr. Vice president. Hello. 132 00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,237 Uh, oh, thank you for asking me to stop by. 133 00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:45,387 You know who won the war? 134 00:05:47,056 --> 00:05:48,557 I believe that we... we did? 135 00:05:48,641 --> 00:05:51,435 No, not the grunts in the front. 136 00:05:51,519 --> 00:05:54,355 It was the fellas behind the scenes. 137 00:05:54,438 --> 00:05:57,775 - The intel gatherers, the code crackers. - Ah, yeah. 138 00:05:57,983 --> 00:06:00,486 I need you to be my west wing wiretap. 139 00:06:01,195 --> 00:06:02,738 I need you to spy for me. 140 00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:04,406 Yes, sir. 141 00:06:04,490 --> 00:06:06,450 Selina freezing you out, old-timer? 142 00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:09,203 Oh, absolutely. Cycle of abuse continues. 143 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:10,621 Like the catholic church. 144 00:06:11,121 --> 00:06:13,123 Yeah, or an Arkansas wedding. 145 00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:14,792 Oh, boom. Lean down, high five. 146 00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:16,794 - All right. - Yeah. (Laughs) 147 00:06:18,003 --> 00:06:19,505 Doyle: That's it, Jonah. Thank you. 148 00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:20,965 Uh, yes, sir. Thank you, sir. 149 00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:24,176 Yeah, he's a good kid. 150 00:06:24,843 --> 00:06:26,512 Yeah, excuse me a second. 151 00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:30,349 So, you hate me, right? 152 00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:32,314 - I'm sorry? - No, no, I'm kidding. We're buds. 153 00:06:32,351 --> 00:06:34,687 But I'm the vice president's chief of staff. 154 00:06:34,770 --> 00:06:38,023 You know, you came to see him directly, I didn't know you were coming. 155 00:06:38,107 --> 00:06:41,360 - So... - Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to not... 156 00:06:41,443 --> 00:06:43,028 I didn't mean to step out of line. 157 00:06:43,112 --> 00:06:44,822 Oh, no, we're good. We're friends forever. 158 00:06:44,947 --> 00:06:47,175 - All right, okay, cool. Thanks, Teddy. - You're a good man, Jonah. 159 00:06:47,199 --> 00:06:51,453 We need guys like you because this game takes guts. 160 00:06:51,537 --> 00:06:55,040 - Yeah. Yeah. - Right? And it takes balls. Whoa. 161 00:06:57,126 --> 00:06:58,502 You've got 'em, buddy. 162 00:07:00,921 --> 00:07:02,172 (Elevator bell dings) 163 00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:04,592 Yeah, elevator's here. 164 00:07:04,675 --> 00:07:07,428 Yeah. The vice president likes you. 165 00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:08,846 I like when he likes people. 166 00:07:09,346 --> 00:07:11,640 So just text me before you come over. 167 00:07:11,724 --> 00:07:13,642 I'll always let you in. 168 00:07:15,394 --> 00:07:17,896 - Okay. - It was great talking to you. 169 00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:24,278 I don't want to be stuck with the Hughes plan. 170 00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:25,863 Some dead guy's plan. 171 00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,114 Well, he's not dead, ma'am. 172 00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:28,550 No. It's fun for me to say, though. 173 00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:32,620 What are the numbers here in the latest polling on families first, huh? 174 00:07:32,703 --> 00:07:34,389 Raising kids out of poverty and helping working moms? 175 00:07:34,413 --> 00:07:35,456 Yeah. 176 00:07:35,539 --> 00:07:36,850 Poor working moms seem to love it for some reason. 177 00:07:36,874 --> 00:07:38,626 But they only ever vote with their phones, 178 00:07:38,709 --> 00:07:41,503 usually for other poor young moms who can't sing. 179 00:07:41,587 --> 00:07:43,797 All right, well, thank you for these numbers, guys. 180 00:07:43,881 --> 00:07:45,567 - Thank you. - You're welcome, madam president. 181 00:07:45,591 --> 00:07:48,927 But, I mean, there has got to be a way to have the cuts 182 00:07:49,011 --> 00:07:50,971 and have the families first bill. 183 00:07:51,055 --> 00:07:53,366 What about the military? Would they go for more cuts, you think? 184 00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:55,893 Yeah, we just got to do a cock-thumb. 185 00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:57,478 What? What did you say? A cock-thumb? 186 00:07:57,561 --> 00:07:58,561 - Yeah. - What is that? 187 00:07:58,604 --> 00:08:00,522 Tell me, do not show me. 188 00:08:00,606 --> 00:08:03,692 Well, we propose a radical cut to the military, cutting off the cock, 189 00:08:03,776 --> 00:08:06,654 the joint chiefs in turn propose their own more reasonable cut, 190 00:08:06,737 --> 00:08:07,737 cutting off the thumb. 191 00:08:07,780 --> 00:08:09,365 Commonly known as negotiating? 192 00:08:10,908 --> 00:08:12,993 Okay, well, let's cock-thumb. 193 00:08:13,077 --> 00:08:15,162 I really don't care for that term. 194 00:08:15,245 --> 00:08:16,747 - Madam president. - Yeah? 195 00:08:16,830 --> 00:08:19,124 The prime minister of India has sent you this. 196 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:23,504 I can't really work it out, but I'll put in a time for you to thank him. 197 00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:25,214 No, I don't want that. 198 00:08:25,297 --> 00:08:26,799 - No duck? - No. 199 00:08:26,965 --> 00:08:28,801 It's a dead duck. 200 00:08:29,093 --> 00:08:30,094 (Exhales) 201 00:08:30,427 --> 00:08:34,640 Madam president, there will be a way to do both of these things, cuts and spending. 202 00:08:34,807 --> 00:08:38,060 I know, you can absolutely do two contradictory things at once. 203 00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:42,398 For example, I love my mother, but I had to put her in a home. 204 00:08:42,481 --> 00:08:44,733 And it's actually better for her if I don't visit. 205 00:08:44,817 --> 00:08:46,860 Ma'am, this job will never be easy. 206 00:08:46,944 --> 00:08:48,696 Man, don't I know it. Oh, my god. 207 00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:50,382 I feel like I've got a hamster wheel in my head. 208 00:08:50,406 --> 00:08:51,699 - You know that feeling? - Yeah. 209 00:08:51,782 --> 00:08:52,801 Did you ever hear the theory 210 00:08:52,825 --> 00:08:55,494 that Reagan hired hinckley just so he could get two weeks in bed? 211 00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:57,371 (Laughs) Yeah, I'd buy that. 212 00:08:57,454 --> 00:08:59,748 All right, so we'll cock-thumb the joint chiefs. 213 00:08:59,832 --> 00:09:01,351 What do you think they're gonna offer? 214 00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:02,918 I don't know. Two, three billion. 215 00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:04,761 You know, maybe sell off a useless airfield. 216 00:09:04,795 --> 00:09:06,964 - Maybe we can put Afghanistan on eBay. - (Laughs) 217 00:09:07,464 --> 00:09:09,184 - Get about 10 bucks for that. - Yeah. Yeah. 218 00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:13,637 Louis, Pennsylvania numbers, I need them up to date and two days ago, so work it out. 219 00:09:13,721 --> 00:09:16,081 I have the new figures on absentee ballots and early voting. 220 00:09:16,140 --> 00:09:18,576 Great, take a chopper up and add it to the top of the pile on my desk. 221 00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,811 Mr. Cafferty wants to know our direct mail plans. 222 00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,521 The president needs to make a decision. 223 00:09:22,604 --> 00:09:24,231 Cuts or spending on the families bill. 224 00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:26,191 - Got it. - Chicken and egg scenario. 225 00:09:26,275 --> 00:09:29,403 Yeah, but where the chicken is just refusing to ovulate. 226 00:09:29,486 --> 00:09:31,071 What's in the speech? 227 00:09:31,155 --> 00:09:33,699 Will the president cut the deficit or spend on families? 228 00:09:33,782 --> 00:09:35,492 Austerity or playgrounds? 229 00:09:35,826 --> 00:09:37,536 Mike: She's considering her options. 230 00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:39,705 Or she doesn't have a clue. 231 00:09:39,872 --> 00:09:43,709 We cannot afford to fall behind. We're neck and neck with chung. 232 00:09:44,126 --> 00:09:46,336 And have you heard the thornhill rumor? 233 00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:50,048 Of course I have, Amy. I'm the white house press secretary. 234 00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:51,967 But imagine I haven't. 235 00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:53,719 He might quit. 236 00:09:53,802 --> 00:09:55,971 Stop running against selina for the nomination. 237 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,682 And my assistant tells me via cue card 238 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,101 that ericsson wants a meeting. 239 00:10:01,185 --> 00:10:02,505 Mike: Thornhill quitting is good. 240 00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:05,147 No, wait, you're... no, no, it's good. 241 00:10:05,230 --> 00:10:09,401 No. If he folds, chung gets his votes. Candidate poker. 242 00:10:09,485 --> 00:10:10,944 Well, don't blame me for this, Amy. 243 00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:12,529 Don't shoot the messenger. 244 00:10:12,613 --> 00:10:15,699 I just gave you the message. You're being shot by the messenger. 245 00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:18,035 Mike: Well, it's still not good. 246 00:10:20,704 --> 00:10:24,291 There's still no content in this speech. It's like a diet souffle. 247 00:10:24,374 --> 00:10:25,934 I know, I know. Sue, does the president 248 00:10:26,001 --> 00:10:28,879 have any spare time this afternoon for an extra speechwriting meeting? 249 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,464 Can mice levitate, Mike? 250 00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:32,966 Can they levitate and fire lasers out of their mouse eyes? 251 00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:37,030 Well, then we've just asked each other equally ridiculous questions. 252 00:10:37,054 --> 00:10:39,532 Hey, this bag was not returned to me in the condition I expected. 253 00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:41,391 There was a lot of loose lids. Do you know... 254 00:10:43,393 --> 00:10:45,562 - A lot of changes, huh, buddy? - Yeah. (Chuckles) 255 00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:47,791 All right, so look, in terms of actual words... 256 00:10:47,815 --> 00:10:50,001 I mean, most meetings I don't even have security clearance for. 257 00:10:50,025 --> 00:10:53,445 Navy stewards bring her drinks in. I barely see her. (Chuckles) 258 00:10:53,529 --> 00:10:55,364 You can just use the flotus window. 259 00:10:56,365 --> 00:10:58,325 Looks right down onto the oval office. 260 00:10:58,408 --> 00:11:01,119 - You can? - Sure. A lot of anxious first ladies use it. 261 00:11:01,203 --> 00:11:03,831 Okay, that's ignored, but thank you for your concern. 262 00:11:03,914 --> 00:11:06,917 Mike, you can barely cope. How are you finding the new setup? 263 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,627 I'm actually kind of famous now. 264 00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:10,295 Really? You sure about that? 265 00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:13,173 Yeah, I got recognized on the street today. 266 00:11:13,257 --> 00:11:15,318 Guy had already met me and then forgot that he met me 267 00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:19,012 and then recognized me from TV and then remembered me again. 268 00:11:19,096 --> 00:11:21,223 That's a great story, Mike. 269 00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:25,269 Oh, hey, if any of you new bitch puppies need help finding the mommy teats around here, 270 00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:27,688 you can just ask a west wing vet, 'Kay? 271 00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:29,439 Oh, how's the new veep's office? 272 00:11:29,940 --> 00:11:31,942 - What? - The new veep's office. 273 00:11:32,484 --> 00:11:33,819 It's great. 274 00:11:34,319 --> 00:11:37,531 Why are you even asking? I mean, it's so good. It's fucking... it's great. 275 00:11:37,614 --> 00:11:41,535 Me, Doyle. I mean, come on, Teddy. Of course, Teddy. 276 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:45,289 So good over there, guys. So good. 277 00:11:46,290 --> 00:11:48,458 Richard: It's my pleasure to meet you, Mr. Ericsson. 278 00:11:48,542 --> 00:11:49,543 Bill: Good. 279 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,212 It's a nice room. 280 00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:56,300 For a lonely suicide or an affair with your secretary. 281 00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,635 It's discreet. There's no DC people here. 282 00:11:58,719 --> 00:12:01,221 I booked it using the name laszlo whittaker. 283 00:12:01,305 --> 00:12:03,932 Was Vladimir draw-attention-to-myself already taken? 284 00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:06,018 A coffee? 285 00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:08,520 - Skinny latte. - Americano triple shot. 286 00:12:08,604 --> 00:12:11,231 How about any sides? Maybe a sandwich? 287 00:12:11,315 --> 00:12:13,459 I'll take a protein bar. I'm allergic to macadamia nuts. 288 00:12:13,483 --> 00:12:15,736 Got it, no deadly macadamias for Mr. Ericsson. 289 00:12:15,819 --> 00:12:18,214 - Almond croissant, sparkling water. - I'll take a water, too. 290 00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:19,799 You know what? Just gonna grab a pen and paper. 291 00:12:19,823 --> 00:12:21,158 Let me write this down. 292 00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:24,536 Or I will remember it using my brain. 293 00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:26,038 I've got a pretty good one. 294 00:12:26,121 --> 00:12:27,681 Illinois institute of technology, so... 295 00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:30,119 I'll cut right to the chase. 296 00:12:30,167 --> 00:12:31,811 Good, 'cause that last minute was a very long minute. 297 00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:34,046 - Is Joe... - Joe thornhill quitting? 298 00:12:34,129 --> 00:12:36,715 Nice question. I was just asking it. 299 00:12:36,798 --> 00:12:40,761 Joe's not quitting, but the rumor's half right. I've just quit as his campaign manager. 300 00:12:40,844 --> 00:12:43,096 Why would you do that the fuck for? 301 00:12:43,180 --> 00:12:45,557 Joltin' Joe has hit the top of his bounce. 302 00:12:45,641 --> 00:12:47,976 Does he realize that or is he gonna find out on ESPN? 303 00:12:48,060 --> 00:12:50,604 No, he's very, very stupid. 304 00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:53,367 I thought he'd be an interesting challenge, but he's a boring chore. 305 00:12:54,358 --> 00:12:56,109 Your job is very interesting. 306 00:12:56,193 --> 00:12:57,861 - Well... - Challenging. 307 00:12:57,945 --> 00:12:59,446 Very exciting job. 308 00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:04,534 My job, yes, it is. The job I have is a very good job. 309 00:13:08,372 --> 00:13:10,791 - Gary. - Hey, sue, how's it going? 310 00:13:10,916 --> 00:13:12,459 - I was just in here. - I get it, Gary. 311 00:13:12,542 --> 00:13:14,628 - You look pretty. - You don't need to pretend. 312 00:13:14,711 --> 00:13:17,756 All I need to know is has the black binder from her desk been moved? 313 00:13:17,839 --> 00:13:21,134 - The black binder? Yeah, yeah, yeah, it has. - Okay. 314 00:13:21,218 --> 00:13:23,971 Do you know what? I have never looked at her from this angle. 315 00:13:24,054 --> 00:13:27,265 And she still just radiates... okay. 316 00:13:27,391 --> 00:13:29,101 Do you think selina will win? 317 00:13:29,184 --> 00:13:31,186 Tough fight, but she can win. 318 00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:33,188 You said she can win. I asked if she will win. 319 00:13:33,271 --> 00:13:35,607 I'm sorry, was that sparkling or still water? 320 00:13:35,691 --> 00:13:38,485 And what kind of croissant? I definitely remember the rest. 321 00:13:38,568 --> 00:13:43,407 Okay, I'm leaving this hotel room. Good-bye, Amy. Good-bye, laszlo. 322 00:13:44,658 --> 00:13:45,659 (Door closes) 323 00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:48,537 He just quit being thornhill's campaign manager. 324 00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:51,182 Wonder what he'll do next. He's the best campaign manager in america. 325 00:13:51,206 --> 00:13:53,309 - One of them. - I mean, he could have anyjob he wants. 326 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:54,751 - Yeah. - He could have your job. 327 00:13:55,919 --> 00:13:58,439 You know, I'm saying all this out loud and I probably shouldn't be. 328 00:13:58,463 --> 00:13:59,589 Thanks, ma'am. 329 00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:02,801 Would you like me to take away the signed letters in the black binder? 330 00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:04,084 How'd you know I signed those? 331 00:14:04,136 --> 00:14:07,097 Oh, I have a sixth sense. And a seventh for when I need it. 332 00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,890 - Gary. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 333 00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:10,851 - Do you have my hand cream? - Oh, yeah. 334 00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:13,020 - I got the new formula from la prairie... - No, no. 335 00:14:13,103 --> 00:14:16,082 Just give me the whole tube 'cause you can't come into this next meeting either. 336 00:14:16,106 --> 00:14:19,192 - And I'm totally fine with that, you know. - Well... 337 00:14:19,276 --> 00:14:20,819 Well, joint chiefs are on their way. 338 00:14:20,986 --> 00:14:23,488 We should hear their big clanking balls any second. 339 00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:25,907 And then all the paintings will fall off the walls. 340 00:14:25,991 --> 00:14:28,243 - Oh, hey, gare? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 341 00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:30,537 What is the coffee that the Navy stewards use? 342 00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:32,164 (Laughs) I can only imagine. 343 00:14:32,247 --> 00:14:33,623 - It's heaven. - Oh. 344 00:14:33,707 --> 00:14:36,418 - It's like Colombian tongue sex. - Wow. 345 00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:38,062 Why don't we ever use that coffee? 346 00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:40,047 I don't know, but you love our old coffee. 347 00:14:40,130 --> 00:14:41,381 - Nah. - No. 348 00:14:42,841 --> 00:14:46,053 - Reservoir dogs, huh? - Excuse me? 349 00:14:46,136 --> 00:14:47,262 I've never actually seen it, 350 00:14:47,345 --> 00:14:50,807 but as I understand, there's a scene where they all walk in a row like this. 351 00:14:50,891 --> 00:14:52,768 What do you think they're gonna offer us? 352 00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:55,145 - Uh, $2 billion. Three, tops. - Uh-huh. 353 00:14:55,312 --> 00:14:57,064 So you ready for these buzz-cut bozos? 354 00:14:57,147 --> 00:14:58,482 What are you talking about? 355 00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:02,486 I'm used to dealing with angry, aggressive, dysfunctional men, 356 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,404 I.e. Men. 357 00:15:04,488 --> 00:15:07,532 Well, that's what we do best. That and farting during first communions. 358 00:15:07,616 --> 00:15:10,410 It's funny. I don't really think of you as a man. 359 00:15:10,619 --> 00:15:13,080 - Oh, okay. - Oh, here they are. 360 00:15:13,163 --> 00:15:15,082 Ma'am. Joint chiefs of staff. 361 00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:16,792 - Gentlemen. - Dexter: Madam president. 362 00:15:16,875 --> 00:15:19,086 Selina: Please come in. Take a seat. 363 00:15:19,169 --> 00:15:23,340 I understand you're on the warpath. I get that. I think it's your favorite path. 364 00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:24,841 (Laughs) 365 00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:31,765 - Vampires! - God! Stop! 366 00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:34,059 (Laughs) If I was a ninja, you'd be dead right now. 367 00:15:34,142 --> 00:15:36,812 That's a life lesson courtesy of jobi-wan Kenobi. 368 00:15:36,895 --> 00:15:37,979 That's not cool, man. 369 00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:39,207 Wait, what are you even doing? 370 00:15:39,231 --> 00:15:41,399 I'm keeping an eye on the president. 371 00:15:42,692 --> 00:15:43,961 Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable 372 00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,129 at the book depository next door? 373 00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:46,506 Do you know what? Can you just leave, please? 374 00:15:46,530 --> 00:15:47,739 It was a joke. 375 00:15:47,823 --> 00:15:50,283 Hey, do you know Teddy Sykes over in the vp's office? 376 00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:52,244 Teddy? Yeah. He's a great guy. 377 00:15:52,327 --> 00:15:54,913 - He is? - He's really, really hands-on. 378 00:15:56,581 --> 00:15:57,749 Okay. 379 00:15:57,833 --> 00:15:59,668 Why do you want to know about Teddy? 380 00:15:59,751 --> 00:16:01,962 He played this joke, and, I mean, it was really funny, 381 00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:05,257 but, I don't know, it was a little weird and... 382 00:16:05,340 --> 00:16:06,633 What's the president doing? 383 00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:08,528 It looks like she's having a meeting with the joint chiefs. 384 00:16:08,552 --> 00:16:11,096 I don't think it's scheduled. 385 00:16:11,221 --> 00:16:12,389 We know you need cuts, 386 00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:16,393 but a further 25,000 reduction in active military troops is unthinkable. 387 00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,978 Yeah, but here I am. I'm thinking it. 388 00:16:18,061 --> 00:16:21,148 The only unthinkable thing is that anything is unthinkable. 389 00:16:21,231 --> 00:16:23,275 Kent majored in fortune cookies. 390 00:16:25,777 --> 00:16:27,571 - (Gasps) - Oh! Oh! Oh, my god! 391 00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:30,073 Are you okay? You look... you look okay. 392 00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:35,829 Your predecessor said that a force of 420,000 would be more than adequate... 393 00:16:35,912 --> 00:16:38,456 Yeah, that's horse hockey. Forgive me, ma'am. 394 00:16:38,540 --> 00:16:40,000 No, no. No forgiveness needed. 395 00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:41,894 I mean, at least you didn't say that's fucking bullshit. 396 00:16:41,918 --> 00:16:43,211 (Laughs) 397 00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:45,672 Okay, well, let's see. We're stuck. 398 00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:48,133 We'd like to propose an alternative cut. 399 00:16:48,216 --> 00:16:52,179 Oh, okay. An alternative cut. That sounds interesting, doesn't it, Ben? 400 00:16:52,262 --> 00:16:53,531 - Very interesting. - Very interesting. 401 00:16:53,555 --> 00:16:55,432 The n620 submarine lacks a mission. 402 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:58,268 It was designed for an outdated cold war scenario 403 00:16:58,351 --> 00:17:01,438 that's gone the way of the fax machine and the VCR. 404 00:17:01,521 --> 00:17:04,900 Okay, so what does that mean in terms of numbers, ballpark-wise? 405 00:17:04,983 --> 00:17:07,360 I mean, if we were to scrap this program you suggest? 406 00:17:07,444 --> 00:17:08,612 $50 billion. 407 00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:12,220 I'm sorry, could you say that again? 408 00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:13,533 Fifty billion. 409 00:17:13,867 --> 00:17:17,579 Five-zero followed by a bunch of zeroes? 410 00:17:17,662 --> 00:17:18,830 Nine. 411 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:20,373 Yes. 412 00:17:20,457 --> 00:17:22,125 All right, well, you know, I think... 413 00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:24,369 Well, you know, this gives us something to think about. 414 00:17:24,419 --> 00:17:25,545 - Mmm-hmm. - Mmm-hmm. 415 00:17:25,837 --> 00:17:27,464 It's page three, I think it is. 416 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:29,674 Yeah. Well, I think we might have different... 417 00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:31,343 - (Panting) - (Teddy laughing) 418 00:17:31,801 --> 00:17:33,929 I think Lassie is trying to tell us something. 419 00:17:34,012 --> 00:17:36,556 Potus and the joint chiefs meeting happening now. 420 00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:38,475 Oh, shit! God damn it. I told you, Teddy. 421 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,102 Sir, can I sit down? I think I split my diaphragm. 422 00:17:41,186 --> 00:17:43,104 I need you to run. 423 00:17:45,982 --> 00:17:47,067 - Thank you. - Okay. 424 00:17:50,362 --> 00:17:52,656 - (Exhales) - (Laughing) 425 00:17:53,156 --> 00:17:55,367 $50 billion! 426 00:17:55,450 --> 00:17:56,701 That was masterly, ma'am. 427 00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:57,827 Selina: Oh, my god! 428 00:17:57,911 --> 00:17:59,913 Or mistressly, whichever isn't offensive. 429 00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:03,250 That wasn't a cock-thumb. That was a cock-cock. (Laughs) 430 00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:04,477 (Laughs) Yeah, I nearly puked. 431 00:18:04,501 --> 00:18:05,919 How big is $50 billion? 432 00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:09,631 Get it in here in five-dollar bills. I'm gonna climb it and see if I get frostbite. 433 00:18:10,006 --> 00:18:11,466 (Laughing) 434 00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:14,761 Oh, oh, Andrew. 435 00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:16,763 - Heard there was a meeting. - Selina: Yes. 436 00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:18,991 It was just a little light housecleaning. Dusting, really. 437 00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,308 I ran all the way here. 438 00:18:20,392 --> 00:18:22,352 Well, you know what? You're in phenomenal shape. 439 00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:24,604 For a man of your age, it's just extraordinary. 440 00:18:24,688 --> 00:18:26,332 Are you thirsty? Do you want something to drink? 441 00:18:26,356 --> 00:18:29,526 (Breathless) No, I have a lot to do. 442 00:18:29,859 --> 00:18:32,320 Okay, bye-bye. Oh, wait, Andrew. 443 00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:33,844 Would you close the door behind you? 444 00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:36,533 Thanks. But nice to see you. 445 00:18:39,828 --> 00:18:43,123 "We bet on American workers. We bet on American ingenuity." 446 00:18:43,206 --> 00:18:46,376 Guys, this writing is absolutely fantastic! 447 00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:49,004 - It's fifty shades of great. - (Laughs) 448 00:18:49,713 --> 00:18:51,798 - Selina: Really. - Thank you, madam president. 449 00:18:51,881 --> 00:18:54,009 All in a day's work that also took all night. 450 00:18:54,092 --> 00:18:55,135 Selina: How do I look? 451 00:18:55,218 --> 00:18:56,320 - Oh, beautiful, beautiful. - Good. 452 00:18:56,344 --> 00:18:58,513 Actually, let me take these glasses out. 453 00:18:58,596 --> 00:19:00,098 It looks like you have a penis. 454 00:19:00,181 --> 00:19:01,224 What? 455 00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:03,685 Which you can totally pull off if you had to. 456 00:19:03,768 --> 00:19:05,037 - Ben: Got to go. - Good luck, madam president. 457 00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:07,272 - Bye. - Amy: Well done, guys. 458 00:19:07,355 --> 00:19:11,234 I don't like to swear, guys, but I think the s is about to hit the f. 459 00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:12,569 The shit is gonna hit the fuck? 460 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:16,156 No, "f" is for fan, Mike, not fuck. Why would shit hit fuck? Shit doesn't hit fuck. 461 00:19:16,239 --> 00:19:19,200 Well, I've read the speech. So have my friends here. 462 00:19:19,284 --> 00:19:22,078 Oh, sorry. Guys, this is the military industrial complex. 463 00:19:22,162 --> 00:19:26,750 Military industrial complex, these are the president's flying monkeys. 464 00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:28,060 Is this about the submarine jobs? 465 00:19:28,084 --> 00:19:30,295 Ten fucking points to Elsa the ice queen. 466 00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:32,839 Shall we recalibrate our language, Roger? 467 00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:35,425 It's congressman furlong to you, gray Elvis. 468 00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:39,804 And, yes, this is about specifically 1,900 submarine jobs in my district 469 00:19:39,888 --> 00:19:41,973 that this announcement will torpedo. 470 00:19:42,057 --> 00:19:46,853 The n6205 are for a threat that doesn't exist. We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy. 471 00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:51,566 And they cost $50 billion. Fifty billion. And I'm gonna say dollars again. Dollars. 472 00:19:51,649 --> 00:19:53,735 You think the whole sub is made in one place? 473 00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:57,364 Because the fin, or whatever the fuck, it comes from one factory in one state. 474 00:19:57,447 --> 00:20:00,575 And then this little round fucking window comes from another place. All right? 475 00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:03,036 And the fuel rods are from cheesedick, Wisconsin. 476 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:06,873 We are going to lose votes and seats everywhere. 477 00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:09,334 So take the periscope out of your asses 478 00:20:09,417 --> 00:20:11,711 and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you. 479 00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:14,798 Hey, Dobby the house elf, we've had enough. Just get out. 480 00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:15,965 Okay. 481 00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:17,889 You can wave bye-bye to the families first bill 482 00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:21,763 because the lawmakers in these districts are going to vulcan death grip you to fuck. 483 00:20:21,846 --> 00:20:23,765 Live long and fuck off. 484 00:20:24,516 --> 00:20:26,101 Speech is already in the teleprompter. 485 00:20:26,184 --> 00:20:28,645 She's on her way down. I'm gonna have a fucking heart attack. 486 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:31,106 Popped your cardiac cherry, huh, Mike? 487 00:20:31,189 --> 00:20:33,650 I'm gonna go talk to the president. 488 00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:37,404 - Hey, Mr. Speaker. - Thrilled for you, ma'am. 489 00:20:37,487 --> 00:20:38,672 Oh, see, you're being sarcastic, Jim. 490 00:20:38,696 --> 00:20:40,198 Absolutely thrilled, really. 491 00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:42,601 - Oh, no, see, that's sarcasm. - Couldn't be more thrilled. 492 00:20:42,659 --> 00:20:44,244 - That is sarcasm. - No, it's not. 493 00:20:44,327 --> 00:20:45,453 - It is, I see it. - No. 494 00:20:45,537 --> 00:20:47,372 - Yeah, and, oh... - Ma'am. 495 00:20:47,455 --> 00:20:48,998 Hi, Ben. 496 00:20:49,124 --> 00:20:51,209 What's with that deputy dawg face you got going? 497 00:20:51,292 --> 00:20:54,462 Well, there's a lot of districts that won't support the submarine cuts. 498 00:20:54,546 --> 00:20:56,256 So if you go ahead, they're gonna kill... 499 00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:58,049 They're gonna kill my families first bill? 500 00:20:58,133 --> 00:20:59,634 That's the long and shit of it. 501 00:20:59,717 --> 00:21:02,429 Okay. We're gonna have to find the money somewhere else. 502 00:21:02,512 --> 00:21:05,265 Okay? Just end high school in ninth grade or something. 503 00:21:05,348 --> 00:21:07,034 Just take the submarine cuts out of the speech. 504 00:21:07,058 --> 00:21:08,351 Okay. 505 00:21:08,435 --> 00:21:09,602 - Change it. Hurry up. - Yeah. 506 00:21:09,686 --> 00:21:14,190 Mr. Speaker, the president of the United States. 507 00:21:14,649 --> 00:21:16,192 (Cheering and applauding) 508 00:21:17,986 --> 00:21:19,463 - She's on stage. - (Chattering indistinctly) 509 00:21:19,487 --> 00:21:21,865 Okay, okay, one of us needs to write some new text 510 00:21:21,948 --> 00:21:23,908 and I really need to stop shallow breathing. 511 00:21:23,992 --> 00:21:25,785 Potus has spoken. We cut the cuts. 512 00:21:25,869 --> 00:21:28,121 Okay, sue, we need to go to that section of the speech. 513 00:21:28,204 --> 00:21:31,517 I don't think I can edit that section and still have selina see the top of the speech. 514 00:21:31,541 --> 00:21:33,793 - Let me see what happens if I... - That's what happens. 515 00:21:33,877 --> 00:21:35,920 We're the first woman president, right? 516 00:21:36,004 --> 00:21:37,797 Well, I am. You're not, Michael. 517 00:21:37,881 --> 00:21:39,650 - Congratulations, ma'am. - I'm looking at you, 518 00:21:39,674 --> 00:21:41,426 but I'm shaking somebody else's hand. 519 00:21:41,509 --> 00:21:43,303 It's the strangest feeling. 520 00:21:43,386 --> 00:21:45,346 Oh, it's you. That is you, right? 521 00:21:45,430 --> 00:21:46,473 It's him. 522 00:21:46,723 --> 00:21:48,725 (Laughing) 523 00:21:49,434 --> 00:21:50,477 Hurry up! 524 00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:53,146 How come you type with only two fingers? You're not a sloth. 525 00:21:53,229 --> 00:21:56,649 No, wait, she's got the hard copy, right? I mean, that's her backup chute right there. 526 00:21:56,733 --> 00:21:58,443 Great, she reads that while we edit this. 527 00:21:58,526 --> 00:21:59,652 Okay. Okay. 528 00:21:59,736 --> 00:22:01,988 Gary: I have her glasses. 529 00:22:02,071 --> 00:22:04,240 - What? - I've got her glasses. 530 00:22:04,324 --> 00:22:05,617 You should not have those. 531 00:22:05,700 --> 00:22:07,577 Why have you blinded the president, Gary? 532 00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:09,180 They were ruining the line of her dress and... 533 00:22:09,204 --> 00:22:11,223 - Mr. Walsh. - No one hates me more than I hate myself. 534 00:22:11,247 --> 00:22:14,209 You're wrong there. You run into the chamber and you give her the glasses 535 00:22:14,292 --> 00:22:15,895 and you keep running until you hit the ocean. 536 00:22:15,919 --> 00:22:17,212 Go, Gary. Chamber, now. 537 00:22:17,295 --> 00:22:18,647 Dan: Too late, she's already at the podium. 538 00:22:18,671 --> 00:22:20,399 Well, I've killed her. I've killed her, okay? 539 00:22:20,423 --> 00:22:21,966 Selina: Thank you, Mr. Speaker... 540 00:22:22,050 --> 00:22:24,344 - God, god, god. - Mr. Vice president, 541 00:22:24,427 --> 00:22:27,514 members of congress, my fellow Americans. 542 00:22:28,932 --> 00:22:30,642 I'd like to begin today... 543 00:22:37,440 --> 00:22:39,442 By saying a few words. 544 00:22:40,151 --> 00:22:41,152 (Clears throat) 545 00:22:42,153 --> 00:22:45,406 I'd like to ask for some time to think 546 00:22:46,366 --> 00:22:50,703 about president Hughes and the former first lady. 547 00:22:51,579 --> 00:22:55,333 So, let's take a moment to bow our heads 548 00:22:55,416 --> 00:22:58,670 and remember their contribution to this great nation. 549 00:22:58,753 --> 00:23:00,380 They're not dead. 550 00:23:09,347 --> 00:23:10,348 (Laughs) 551 00:23:10,515 --> 00:23:12,642 I've done it! I rule so hard. 552 00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:14,394 Don't stop. Give me the USB. 553 00:23:14,477 --> 00:23:15,895 Oh, shit. I always get it wrong. 554 00:23:15,979 --> 00:23:18,147 It's a 50-50 chance. I never get the right side up. 555 00:23:20,567 --> 00:23:24,529 God bless them. What people, what people. 556 00:23:24,612 --> 00:23:28,032 There are literally no words. 557 00:23:28,157 --> 00:23:30,702 Come on, come on. Hurry up. 558 00:23:30,868 --> 00:23:32,829 People want to know who I am 559 00:23:32,954 --> 00:23:37,333 and I want to tell them so much. 560 00:23:38,459 --> 00:23:40,503 Sue: It is up and the eagle has noticed. 561 00:23:41,129 --> 00:23:43,172 - (Laughs) - Whoo! (Laughs) 562 00:23:43,339 --> 00:23:47,135 My entire careerjust flashed before my eyes. It was incredibly impressive. 563 00:23:47,218 --> 00:23:49,929 That its government was in safe hands. 564 00:23:50,013 --> 00:23:52,974 No, that's... that's the wrong phrase. 565 00:23:53,057 --> 00:23:54,601 - Huh? What? - Hmm? 566 00:23:54,684 --> 00:23:58,938 I think I put the new stuff in mikel lal, not mikel laia. 567 00:23:59,022 --> 00:24:00,582 But that could be the other way around. 568 00:24:00,607 --> 00:24:04,402 This version still has placeholders in it, and the next section just says "future whatever." 569 00:24:04,485 --> 00:24:07,614 So today, I don't just want to talk about the present. 570 00:24:07,697 --> 00:24:09,699 I want to talk about the future. 571 00:24:12,368 --> 00:24:16,914 Whatever we have in store 572 00:24:19,042 --> 00:24:20,627 cannot be known. 573 00:24:21,127 --> 00:24:24,464 But given time, it can be understood. 574 00:24:25,590 --> 00:24:28,343 The past was once the future. 575 00:24:28,426 --> 00:24:33,514 The future is, lshould say, unknown. It is in fact unknowable. 576 00:24:33,598 --> 00:24:35,308 She's bebop speaking. 577 00:24:35,391 --> 00:24:39,270 So I'm asking you to meet me at the station 578 00:24:39,937 --> 00:24:46,486 and join me as we board a train bound for a place called the future. 579 00:24:46,569 --> 00:24:49,155 I detestjazz, but this is impressive. 580 00:24:49,238 --> 00:24:53,451 And we will be ready for that future whatever. 581 00:24:53,785 --> 00:24:55,912 (Cheering and applauding) 582 00:24:58,081 --> 00:25:01,000 I'm almost crying. I didn't know I could still almost do that. 583 00:25:01,084 --> 00:25:02,251 But now... 584 00:25:02,335 --> 00:25:08,257 But now it's time to roll past the future to move on and do so very, very quickly. 585 00:25:09,217 --> 00:25:12,053 When we think of what is to come, we think of our children. 586 00:25:12,136 --> 00:25:14,180 Mike: (Laughs) Superb! We're back on track. 587 00:25:14,263 --> 00:25:15,324 And the rest of the speech is okay? 588 00:25:15,348 --> 00:25:17,558 - Yes. Absolutely. - Okay, thank you. 589 00:25:17,642 --> 00:25:18,851 Uh, uh, no. 590 00:25:18,935 --> 00:25:20,412 Selina: And when we think of our children... 591 00:25:20,436 --> 00:25:24,357 I think this version still has president Hughes' old spending plan in it. 592 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:28,695 We will invest $60 billion 593 00:25:28,778 --> 00:25:32,490 in the new n620 submarine fleet. 594 00:25:32,615 --> 00:25:34,575 - (Groans) - God damn it. 595 00:25:34,659 --> 00:25:38,830 That's a further $10 billion investment 596 00:25:39,956 --> 00:25:42,583 in this vital and modern defense system. 597 00:25:42,667 --> 00:25:43,918 (Cheering) 598 00:25:47,463 --> 00:25:49,257 Well, she just announced a dead guy's plan. 599 00:25:49,340 --> 00:25:51,551 He's not fucking dead. 600 00:25:51,634 --> 00:25:53,010 Do you think she noticed? 601 00:25:53,094 --> 00:25:54,762 I think so, Mike. 602 00:25:55,555 --> 00:25:57,348 Selina: What the hell was I reading? 603 00:25:58,641 --> 00:26:01,144 You were supposed to take the submarine cuts out, 604 00:26:01,227 --> 00:26:03,604 not spend an extra 10 billion on them. 605 00:26:03,688 --> 00:26:05,606 - Now, give... Gary? - Mmm-hmm? 606 00:26:06,232 --> 00:26:07,734 - Glasses. - Yep. 607 00:26:13,072 --> 00:26:15,491 I mean, this speech 608 00:26:15,575 --> 00:26:19,620 was supposed to perfectly define my presidency. 609 00:26:21,330 --> 00:26:23,416 Okay, you want to fix these? 610 00:26:23,499 --> 00:26:25,918 Whole cities of children 611 00:26:26,002 --> 00:26:28,421 were going to be saved from poverty. 612 00:26:28,504 --> 00:26:31,466 Instead now, that money 613 00:26:31,549 --> 00:26:34,677 is going to fund obsolete, 614 00:26:34,969 --> 00:26:36,137 metal, 615 00:26:36,679 --> 00:26:38,264 giant 616 00:26:38,347 --> 00:26:39,348 dildos. 617 00:26:41,601 --> 00:26:44,103 - Do you have any idea what... - (Plastic snaps) 618 00:26:47,315 --> 00:26:49,233 You need to be far away from me. 619 00:26:49,901 --> 00:26:51,444 Get out of my office. 620 00:26:58,034 --> 00:26:59,702 - Okay. - (Knock on door) 621 00:26:59,786 --> 00:27:02,580 Ma'am, I know you need to be alone right now. 622 00:27:02,663 --> 00:27:04,207 It's just that these sign-offs... 623 00:27:05,291 --> 00:27:07,293 I'm just... I'll just leave 'em. 624 00:27:07,376 --> 00:27:08,753 - Yeah. (Scoffs) - Yeah. 625 00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:10,213 (Knock on door) 626 00:27:11,214 --> 00:27:13,508 Sorry, ma'am, you said not to interrupt, 627 00:27:13,591 --> 00:27:16,260 but we have a campaign meeting scheduled for right now. 628 00:27:16,344 --> 00:27:17,345 I know, Amy. 629 00:27:17,720 --> 00:27:19,055 I'm de-scheduling as I exit. 630 00:27:19,889 --> 00:27:21,224 - (Sighs) - (Knock on door) 631 00:27:21,390 --> 00:27:23,810 Uh, madam president, I know you kicked me out, 632 00:27:23,893 --> 00:27:26,187 but we just droned the wrong guy's truck in Yemen. 633 00:27:26,270 --> 00:27:27,271 Thank you, Ben. 634 00:27:27,355 --> 00:27:30,149 Great. Guess I'll write a report. 635 00:27:30,233 --> 00:27:31,960 - Hey, ma'am, I got your... - Selina: Get out! 636 00:27:31,984 --> 00:27:33,069 Yeah. 637 00:27:35,571 --> 00:27:36,572 (Knock on door) 638 00:27:37,323 --> 00:27:38,717 Woman: Madam president. Sorry to interrupt. 639 00:27:38,741 --> 00:27:41,536 Just to let you know that two of the hikers are dead. 640 00:27:41,619 --> 00:27:43,371 Selina: Could you please leave? 641 00:27:43,454 --> 00:27:45,373 Woman: Sorry, madam president. 642 00:27:46,415 --> 00:27:48,084 Selina: Wait. What hikers? 643 00:27:50,753 --> 00:27:52,129 What hikers?