1 00:00:19,145 --> 00:00:21,189 Selina: And, uh, who else is confirmed? 2 00:00:21,272 --> 00:00:23,191 Is senator dorsey confirmed? 3 00:00:23,274 --> 00:00:24,609 - Yes. - Okay. 4 00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:28,029 And senator Lucas was a maybe, but now he's definitely a definitely. 5 00:00:28,112 --> 00:00:30,656 - Oh! That's awfully nice. - Yeah, it's growing as we speak. 6 00:00:30,740 --> 00:00:32,885 - Yeah, okay, let's go talk filibuster reform. - (Chuckles) 7 00:00:32,909 --> 00:00:36,412 No, the vice president does not have a sliver of daylight in her schedule today. 8 00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:38,289 - Bye, sue. Hey, Mike, Mike. - Yeah? 9 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:40,916 Are we pushing the whole cornstarch utensils campaign now? 10 00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:42,435 Yes, ma'am. We've got a whole online thing. 11 00:00:42,459 --> 00:00:43,604 - The inter-nerds are on it. - Okay, good. 12 00:00:43,628 --> 00:00:46,338 Oh! And today with the senators, don't forget to smile. 13 00:00:46,421 --> 00:00:48,673 Yeah, is that a poppy seed there in your teeth? 14 00:00:48,757 --> 00:00:50,759 - Probably. - Yeah. Ugh. 15 00:00:51,302 --> 00:00:52,470 - Oh! - What? 16 00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:54,722 - Senator Bixby is coming. - Oh, good. 17 00:00:54,805 --> 00:00:56,682 - Great. - Ma'am, this is a fork. 18 00:00:56,766 --> 00:00:59,119 - And you know that he's our tour guide. - He's the tour guide. 19 00:00:59,143 --> 00:01:00,621 - Right. Yes, yes, yes. Of course. - Remember? 20 00:01:00,645 --> 00:01:02,313 This is the new cornstarch fork, ma'am. 21 00:01:02,396 --> 00:01:04,065 I got the cornstarch spoon, too. 22 00:01:04,148 --> 00:01:05,908 Could we maybe table tableware for now, Gary, 23 00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:08,462 - and focus on filibuster reform? - No, no, no, but, Amy, look. 24 00:01:08,486 --> 00:01:10,612 Look at this. This is classic clean jobs stuff. 25 00:01:10,695 --> 00:01:14,282 I mean, if I can get cornstarch utensils in most federal buildings by the fall, 26 00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:16,326 then the veep has landed. 27 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:18,095 That is what we are working on, landing you. 28 00:01:18,119 --> 00:01:20,455 - Yeah. - Like a big, beautiful eagle. 29 00:01:20,830 --> 00:01:22,457 (Sirens blaring) 30 00:01:23,167 --> 00:01:24,293 - You want your scarf? - No. 31 00:01:24,377 --> 00:01:26,313 - Are you sure? It looks really pretty... - No, I don't want it. 32 00:01:26,337 --> 00:01:29,506 And what about senator Reeves? Is he dead yet? 33 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,050 Not yet. He's mostly intravenous. 34 00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:34,971 He has so many tubes in him, he looks like a set of bagpipes. 35 00:01:38,182 --> 00:01:39,993 - Let me take your coat. - Want to take our coats? 36 00:01:40,017 --> 00:01:41,101 Here's your glasses. 37 00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:42,561 What do you think? 38 00:01:42,645 --> 00:01:45,064 Glasses on for the intellectual look? 39 00:01:45,147 --> 00:01:47,608 - Focused? - A woman with vision. 40 00:01:47,692 --> 00:01:50,027 - I like your glasses. - No, glasses make me look weak. 41 00:01:50,111 --> 00:01:53,239 - Yeah, I agree. Yeah. - It's like a wheelchair for the eye. 42 00:01:53,322 --> 00:01:56,616 Okay, senators, let the reforming commence. 43 00:01:56,701 --> 00:01:58,536 - Amy: We're expecting 50 or 60. - Oh, good. 44 00:02:01,413 --> 00:02:04,791 Is this the right room? Are we early? 45 00:02:04,875 --> 00:02:07,127 - Senator Phil dorsey, 2:00. - I'm not a sniper. 46 00:02:07,210 --> 00:02:09,463 - Philip. - Ah, madam vice president. Welcome. 47 00:02:09,547 --> 00:02:10,631 Thank you. 48 00:02:10,715 --> 00:02:13,276 - Oh, you remember my chief of staff, Amy. - Oh, Amy, it's nice to see you. 49 00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,468 His daughter Emily just graduated from Harvard. 50 00:02:15,552 --> 00:02:17,846 - Tell me, how is Emily? - Oh, she's good. 51 00:02:17,929 --> 00:02:19,769 - Oh, good. - Can I get you something to drink? 52 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,642 - I would love a coffee. - You got it. 53 00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:24,437 Okay, thank you. What's going on, Amy? 54 00:02:24,520 --> 00:02:26,540 There aren't enough people to fill a fucking canoe in here. 55 00:02:26,564 --> 00:02:28,357 Okay. 56 00:02:28,441 --> 00:02:30,859 What's wrong? That was your bad okay. What's wrong? 57 00:02:30,942 --> 00:02:33,321 Senator Mike Dudley. He's interested in maps. 58 00:02:33,404 --> 00:02:36,449 - Mike, you found us. - Oh, madam vice president. 59 00:02:36,532 --> 00:02:38,743 - Is that a map joke? - (Laughs) Yes, it is. 60 00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:40,929 - (Cell phone ringing) - Sorry. Excuse me. 61 00:02:40,953 --> 00:02:42,997 - Okay. - Let's talk about this blog thing. 62 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,850 - Guys, what's going on right now? - I can explain that. 63 00:02:44,874 --> 00:02:46,250 What is happening right now? 64 00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:48,586 Brett kagan's blog picked up a tweet from us. 65 00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:52,131 Quote, "76% of government buildings now have cornstarch utensils! 66 00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:55,592 "Let's make it 100! Let's make plastic utensils extinct!" 67 00:02:55,676 --> 00:02:58,720 Oh, great, we've upset the plastics industry. 68 00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:00,805 This whole building is bankrolled by plastics. 69 00:03:00,890 --> 00:03:02,683 This is why nobody showed up. 70 00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:03,893 Man: Madam vice president. 71 00:03:03,976 --> 00:03:06,270 - I don't know who this man is. - Hello. 72 00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:10,023 Mike, talk to me. I am in a room with three people and a fuckload of quiche. 73 00:03:10,106 --> 00:03:11,585 Okay, here comes dorsey with your coffee. 74 00:03:11,609 --> 00:03:13,860 Gary, I have large, moving shapes covered. 75 00:03:13,943 --> 00:03:15,445 - Okay. Okay. - Okay? 76 00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:18,615 - (Whispers) Here's your coffee. - Oh, my... 77 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:20,909 I'll get it. I got it. I got it. 78 00:03:20,992 --> 00:03:22,803 Amy: Okay, here's what we do. Here's what we do. 79 00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:26,998 You should meet with senator hallowes. She is so tight with the plastics people, it's... 80 00:03:27,082 --> 00:03:29,042 Are you kidding? 81 00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:31,252 Do these not bend the fuck back? 82 00:03:31,337 --> 00:03:33,338 No. No. 83 00:03:33,421 --> 00:03:35,941 What am I supposed to do with this? I'm supposed to eat around corners? 84 00:03:35,965 --> 00:03:38,177 Is that how it's gonna work? Here, take this, please. 85 00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:41,639 We could even give hallowes a post on your clean jobs commission, 86 00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:43,825 - keep plastics happy. - That's actually a great idea. 87 00:03:43,849 --> 00:03:46,559 Can you do that? Can you do that? Can you get hallowes now? 88 00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:48,896 Of course I can. You can just shut it down. 89 00:03:48,979 --> 00:03:50,688 - Yeah. Go, go, go. - Shut it down. 90 00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:52,691 - You should mingle. - Mingle? 91 00:03:52,775 --> 00:03:54,110 - Yeah. - What? 92 00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:56,361 How do you suggest that I mingle with this few people? 93 00:03:56,444 --> 00:03:59,447 Did Simon mingle with Garfunkel? 94 00:03:59,531 --> 00:04:01,866 They worked together. They probably socialized together. 95 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:03,326 I'm sure they did, right? 96 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:06,305 Madam vice president. Hi, I'm Dan egan. 97 00:04:06,372 --> 00:04:08,225 I'm director of communications for senator hallowes. 98 00:04:08,249 --> 00:04:09,583 - Oh, good. - Currently. 99 00:04:09,667 --> 00:04:12,312 I just want to say that I'm a huge fan of the clean jobs initiative. 100 00:04:12,336 --> 00:04:13,337 Oh, thank you. 101 00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,756 You know what I say, it's a dirtyjob and I love to do it. 102 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,842 - That's funny. I actually... - Selina: Barbara? 103 00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:20,177 - Selina, hi. - Hi. 104 00:04:20,970 --> 00:04:23,806 The vice president, or veep, has managed to punch her way through. 105 00:04:23,889 --> 00:04:25,307 Thank you, Dan. Yeah. 106 00:04:25,391 --> 00:04:27,268 Barbara, it's so good to see you. 107 00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:29,603 - It's good to see you. - What have I been missing here? 108 00:04:29,687 --> 00:04:32,440 Power. (Laughs) I'm kidding! 109 00:04:32,523 --> 00:04:34,858 - Oh, selina. - I know. I know. 110 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,776 Coffee for the vice president, please, Dan. 111 00:04:36,861 --> 00:04:38,903 Guess what? I've managed to get a fresh batch 112 00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:40,673 of those European sweeteners you like so much. 113 00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,324 Oh. Thanks, Gary. Yeah, they're great sweeteners. 114 00:04:43,409 --> 00:04:45,870 - They are awful. - (Laughs) 115 00:04:46,078 --> 00:04:49,623 Actually, they're just sweeteners I got at a NATO meeting last year. 116 00:04:49,707 --> 00:04:52,126 They really taste rather, um, 117 00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:57,797 unpleasant. 118 00:04:57,881 --> 00:04:59,132 Kind of bitter. 119 00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:02,177 80, Dan, are you enjoying working for hallowes? 120 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:04,805 Not really. She's middle of the road. 121 00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:08,057 She's mediocre, really. Of all the "ocres," she's the mediest. 122 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,978 Do I add water to this machine? It's like a robot. 123 00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,062 It's a nice bag, Gary. 124 00:05:14,190 --> 00:05:16,107 You know, he calls that "the leviathan." 125 00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:18,651 Ooh, you got the nuclear codes in there, buddy? 126 00:05:18,736 --> 00:05:21,446 Is there a pouch or something that I put into this? 127 00:05:21,529 --> 00:05:24,449 You still got that guy Mike in your press shop? 128 00:05:24,532 --> 00:05:26,451 - Yes. - He ran press for Moses, didn't he? 129 00:05:26,535 --> 00:05:29,038 - Oh, god. - Is there like an Espresso thing? 130 00:05:29,121 --> 00:05:31,790 - A little podule or anything? - Jesus fucking Christ. 131 00:05:31,874 --> 00:05:34,102 All right, look, watch me, autismo. You take the little pod, 132 00:05:34,126 --> 00:05:36,188 put the little pod in the fucking hole, shut the fucking lid, 133 00:05:36,212 --> 00:05:38,130 hit the fucking button for two fucking seconds. 134 00:05:38,214 --> 00:05:40,508 - Oh, it's so easy. - Too quick, I didn't see it. 135 00:05:40,591 --> 00:05:43,069 Yeah, next time pack an Espresso machine in your big fucking bitch bag. 136 00:05:43,093 --> 00:05:44,094 Oh, my god. 137 00:05:44,178 --> 00:05:45,387 Dan seems nice. 138 00:05:45,471 --> 00:05:47,138 - He's new. - He is great. 139 00:05:47,223 --> 00:05:49,891 Very loyal. I got him from an Ohio congresswoman. 140 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:52,393 You know, he's dating my daughter. 141 00:05:52,478 --> 00:05:54,855 - You're kidding. Janet? - No. 142 00:05:54,939 --> 00:05:57,024 Of course not. Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. 143 00:05:57,107 --> 00:05:59,609 I meant, um, Carol. 144 00:05:59,692 --> 00:06:01,278 - Carol. - (Chuckles) 145 00:06:01,362 --> 00:06:04,489 - How are your kids? - Uh, she's good. 146 00:06:04,572 --> 00:06:05,866 - Oh, good, good. - Great. Great. 147 00:06:05,950 --> 00:06:07,867 - I understand you're busy. - I am. 148 00:06:08,535 --> 00:06:13,082 But I wanted to talk to you about coming on board the clean jobs commission. 149 00:06:13,165 --> 00:06:15,166 To get plastics off your back? 150 00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:18,294 No, sorry, selina. That would be bad for me. 151 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:21,381 (Scoffs) Oh, come on. They're not gonna pull funding over this. 152 00:06:21,464 --> 00:06:23,300 Honey, what is plastics made of? 153 00:06:23,384 --> 00:06:25,385 You piss off plastics, you piss off oil. 154 00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:27,220 And you do not want to fuck with those guys 155 00:06:27,303 --> 00:06:29,556 because they fuck in a very unpleasant fashion. 156 00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:33,560 (Stammering) Barbara, are you really willing to sell your soul 157 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:36,729 to the guys who make toothbrushes 158 00:06:36,814 --> 00:06:39,358 and the holders for toothbrushes? 159 00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:41,234 Yeah, they're the guys who fund the members 160 00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:43,695 of your clean jobs commission. 161 00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:47,282 I could draw you a diagram, but it would be a very simple diagram. 162 00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:49,910 Oh, I can handle geometry, Barbara, all right? 163 00:06:49,994 --> 00:06:54,872 - Come on, I've got to get going. - Yes, I have a ton on my agenda as well. 164 00:06:54,999 --> 00:06:58,293 Watch this. Uh, senator reevesjust died. 165 00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:00,004 - Oh. - (Gasps) 166 00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:02,589 Rapey Reeves. 167 00:07:03,507 --> 00:07:05,986 Selina: He was the first senator to welcome me to the capitol, you know? 168 00:07:06,010 --> 00:07:07,595 He was old even then. 169 00:07:07,678 --> 00:07:10,556 - Was he full of wisdom? - He was full of bourbon. 170 00:07:10,639 --> 00:07:12,433 And he grabbed my left tit. 171 00:07:12,516 --> 00:07:14,560 - Remember that? - And god rest his soul. 172 00:07:15,352 --> 00:07:17,938 Hey, did you fire your tweet monkey yet? 173 00:07:18,022 --> 00:07:21,024 - Because that guy is a weapons-grade retard. - I know. 174 00:07:21,107 --> 00:07:23,693 I think you might have been hoist by your own retard there. 175 00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:26,738 (Laughs) That's a good one. "Your own retard." Nice. 176 00:07:26,821 --> 00:07:28,323 - See you downstairs. - Yeah. 177 00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:30,385 - Honor to have met you, madam. - Oh, thank you, Dan. 178 00:07:30,409 --> 00:07:32,453 I really admired your primaries campaign. 179 00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:34,121 Oh. How nice. Thank you very much. 180 00:07:34,204 --> 00:07:35,682 Two things I would have done differently. 181 00:07:35,706 --> 00:07:38,542 Two things? Oh, no kidding. What were they? 182 00:07:38,626 --> 00:07:40,937 I think you spent too much time in New Hampshire. That was in the bag. 183 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,172 And the attack ads in Oregon came up four days too soon, 184 00:07:43,255 --> 00:07:44,855 made you seem mean before you had to be. 185 00:07:44,882 --> 00:07:47,134 But, I mean, you're the old pro here. 186 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:48,802 - Gary: Ooh! - You're the pro. 187 00:07:48,886 --> 00:07:51,137 Well, I'll keep that in mind. 188 00:07:54,224 --> 00:07:55,577 Mike: Sony about the senate meeting. 189 00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:58,937 Yeah, it was like a funeral for a homeless guy. 190 00:07:59,021 --> 00:08:01,357 - How was hallowes? - Oh, you know, the usual. 191 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:03,567 (Mocking accent) "Selina, hi. 192 00:08:03,651 --> 00:08:06,403 "I'm melting. I'm melting." 193 00:08:06,487 --> 00:08:07,988 She is such a fucking bitch. 194 00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:12,451 So today at the 3:30 press call, what do you want me to say about plastics? 195 00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:15,496 - I think our best agenda is to reassure... - Whoa! 196 00:08:15,579 --> 00:08:17,456 - I know. Don't tell me. - What? 197 00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:20,518 'Cause if I genuinely don't know, then those bastards can't make me tell them. 198 00:08:20,542 --> 00:08:22,544 You know my motto, "I don't want to know." 199 00:08:22,628 --> 00:08:24,463 Anyways, what motto? I don't have a motto. 200 00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:28,007 Hey, sue. Did the president call? 201 00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:31,302 Sue, that is a lovely dress. 202 00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:33,113 - Thank you, Gary. Madam vice president. - Yeah? 203 00:08:33,137 --> 00:08:34,857 We're gonna need to resync your BlackBerry. 204 00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:36,850 - Okay. - The diary's been violated. 205 00:08:36,934 --> 00:08:38,495 Ma'am, here's your coffee. It's really hot. 206 00:08:38,519 --> 00:08:39,853 Can you put it down right there? 207 00:08:39,937 --> 00:08:41,271 Oh, Gary. Um... 208 00:08:44,149 --> 00:08:46,985 (Sighs) Oh, my god, what was I just gonna say? 209 00:08:48,779 --> 00:08:50,114 (Exhales) 210 00:08:51,365 --> 00:08:53,908 Oh. I don't know. It just went out of my head. 211 00:08:53,991 --> 00:08:55,271 - It'll come to me later. - Okay. 212 00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:56,763 And Jonah is here from the white house. 213 00:08:56,787 --> 00:08:59,122 I told him you were too busy to see him, 214 00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:01,709 but, as you see, he ignored me and, by implication, you. 215 00:09:01,792 --> 00:09:03,335 - Hi. - Oh, madam vice president. 216 00:09:03,419 --> 00:09:06,170 Close the door. On your way out, close it. Quickly. Quick, quick. 217 00:09:06,254 --> 00:09:07,547 Quick, quick. God almighty. 218 00:09:09,425 --> 00:09:12,553 You, did you check the Wikipedia? Did they change her weight again? 219 00:09:12,845 --> 00:09:15,072 Somebody keeps hacking into the site and changing her weight. 220 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:16,639 Oh, Jonah. 221 00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,476 Good new Italian place opened up downtown, Amy. 222 00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:22,271 - You like Italian? - I love Italian, Jonah, 223 00:09:22,354 --> 00:09:24,480 but still, unfortunately, really dislike you. 224 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:27,025 Oh, I wasn't asking you out. I don't want you to think 225 00:09:27,151 --> 00:09:29,031 that was a burn because I wasn't asking you out. 226 00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:31,612 It's the guy from my left foot. 227 00:09:31,697 --> 00:09:34,616 Jonah, how many times have you talked to the president today? 228 00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:36,701 Oh, you want to know? 229 00:09:36,784 --> 00:09:40,038 Yeah, 'cause you need to put it up on that star chart on your refrigerator. 230 00:09:40,247 --> 00:09:42,247 - He actually spoke to me four times today. - Four? 231 00:09:42,291 --> 00:09:45,042 Briefing room, nsc meeting, hallway twice. 232 00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,754 And in each of those did he say, 233 00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:48,839 "someone get this freak the fuck away from me?" 234 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:51,007 - (Amy laughs) - Hi, Jonah. 235 00:09:51,675 --> 00:09:53,594 What's the news from the mountaintop? 236 00:09:53,677 --> 00:09:56,430 - The white house would like... - Hang on just a second. 237 00:09:56,513 --> 00:09:58,348 Can you do me there? 238 00:09:58,432 --> 00:10:00,267 - Doing you. - What? 239 00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:02,644 The white house would like you to attend a 6:00 pm. 240 00:10:02,728 --> 00:10:04,648 Srva fundraiser tonight instead of the president. 241 00:10:04,730 --> 00:10:06,583 - Oh, no, that's not gonna happen. - Not on the schedule. 242 00:10:06,607 --> 00:10:09,902 The potus doesn't want to get hit with questions on the fiscal responsibility bill. 243 00:10:09,985 --> 00:10:13,029 Obviously they won't ask you guys because you have no... 244 00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:16,616 You just have other areas of expertise. 245 00:10:16,699 --> 00:10:19,619 Yeah, clean jobs, Yemen, mission to Mars. 246 00:10:19,702 --> 00:10:21,542 Yeah, it's not gonna happen. I'm busy tonight. 247 00:10:21,622 --> 00:10:24,434 Yeah, we're positioning ourselves right now with the clean jobs commission. 248 00:10:24,458 --> 00:10:27,669 But the president of the United States of America 249 00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:29,254 is very keen 250 00:10:29,838 --> 00:10:31,565 that your going to the fund-raiser should be 251 00:10:31,589 --> 00:10:34,009 fundamentally the sequence of events 252 00:10:34,092 --> 00:10:36,929 that does actually take place this evening. 253 00:10:40,349 --> 00:10:42,100 I will make a call. 254 00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,771 - Thank you. - And I'd like you to watch your tone with me. 255 00:10:46,854 --> 00:10:48,064 - I will watch my tone. - Yeah. 256 00:10:48,147 --> 00:10:50,107 And, Mike, you need to be there, too, okay? 257 00:10:50,191 --> 00:10:51,776 So no going home to walk your dog. 258 00:10:51,859 --> 00:10:54,780 Don't tell me what to do, doogie fucking howser. 259 00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,615 I don't know what that means. 260 00:10:57,698 --> 00:10:59,827 - Or your left foot thing. - Great movie. 261 00:10:59,910 --> 00:11:02,496 Okay, I'm going to go back to the white house. 262 00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:04,873 That address makes me hard. 263 00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:07,250 Kiss you, miss you. 264 00:11:07,543 --> 00:11:09,169 (Sirens blaring) 265 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:12,839 Hey, Mike. 266 00:11:12,922 --> 00:11:17,970 What would you say were the two biggest campaign mistakes that we made? 267 00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:20,680 You looked tired a lot and the hat. 268 00:11:20,763 --> 00:11:23,724 - I liked the hat. What are you talking about? - The hat hurt us. 269 00:11:23,808 --> 00:11:27,145 Your head looked weird in the hat, that's all I'm gonna say. 270 00:11:27,688 --> 00:11:31,024 Okay... what do you think of Dan? 271 00:11:31,108 --> 00:11:33,527 Oh, Dan is a shit. 272 00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,654 You want to expand on that? 273 00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:38,782 Sure. He's a massive and total shit. 274 00:11:40,117 --> 00:11:41,760 When you first meet him, you think surely to god 275 00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:44,996 this man can't be as big a shit as he seems, 276 00:11:45,079 --> 00:11:47,039 but he is. 277 00:11:47,707 --> 00:11:49,542 - See, I... - 'Cause like if there were a book 278 00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:52,378 with covers made of shit, you'd think, "that's intriguing. 279 00:11:52,461 --> 00:11:54,547 "I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit 280 00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,382 "to give it covers made of pure shit." 281 00:11:56,465 --> 00:11:59,552 And then you open it and... shit. 282 00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:05,183 - (Applause) - Thank you so much. Yes. 283 00:12:05,267 --> 00:12:08,312 How are you? I see you. I see you. 284 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,898 There's congresswoman clements, you should speak with her. 285 00:12:10,981 --> 00:12:13,274 She's got a small mustache. It's a little disturbing. 286 00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:14,918 - Don't stare at it, okay? - Oh. Mmm-hmm. 287 00:12:14,942 --> 00:12:16,861 The podium is definitely too high. 288 00:12:16,944 --> 00:12:19,197 - Box me, Gary. Box me. - Oh, yeah, yeah. 289 00:12:20,490 --> 00:12:21,490 (Grunts) 290 00:12:23,117 --> 00:12:26,245 What is the utensil situation? Is it cornstarch or plastic here? 291 00:12:26,330 --> 00:12:28,415 Stay away from both. The utensils are politicized. 292 00:12:29,374 --> 00:12:31,751 You could use celery as a kind of shovel. 293 00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:35,797 I cannot believe you are dating your boss's daughter. 294 00:12:35,881 --> 00:12:39,343 She's fun, she's sexy. She can advance my career. 295 00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:41,345 - I really like her. - That's the one. 296 00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:42,930 - She's great. - That's the one. 297 00:12:43,013 --> 00:12:45,098 We need to talk about the vp's speech, okay? 298 00:12:45,182 --> 00:12:47,100 - What? - Can I just... 299 00:12:47,184 --> 00:12:49,310 - Don't grab my shit. - Thank you. 300 00:12:49,393 --> 00:12:52,480 White house says we need to majorly redact this, okay? 301 00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:53,981 I'll redact your fucking face. 302 00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:57,276 The white house does not want anything in the papers tomorrow about oil, okay? 303 00:12:57,361 --> 00:12:59,612 - What? - Or plastics. 304 00:12:59,695 --> 00:13:02,950 - Nothing about cornstarch. - Her whole position is green jobs. 305 00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:05,076 This doesn't come from me, okay, sojust do it. 306 00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:07,119 You love this. You love this. 307 00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:09,080 I'm not gonna say I don't enjoy it. 308 00:13:09,164 --> 00:13:11,959 Ladies and gentlemen, I want to welcome you all 309 00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:14,001 here tonight and thank you for coming. 310 00:13:14,086 --> 00:13:15,587 - Hi, selina. - Hey. 311 00:13:15,671 --> 00:13:17,397 - Just a small change in the speech. - What is that? 312 00:13:17,421 --> 00:13:19,799 (Sighs) Plastics apparently talked to the president. 313 00:13:19,882 --> 00:13:22,843 The white house doesn't want us mentioning oil or cornstarch or plastic. 314 00:13:22,927 --> 00:13:24,762 Just wing it. 315 00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:27,848 This has been pencil-fucked completely? 316 00:13:27,932 --> 00:13:30,227 Yes, front and back. Very little romance. 317 00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,270 That's the entire speech, okay? 318 00:13:32,354 --> 00:13:36,273 What's left here? I've got "hello," and I have prepositions. 319 00:13:36,357 --> 00:13:38,610 You could talk about your boat or something like that. 320 00:13:38,694 --> 00:13:39,861 Sure, talk about the boat. 321 00:13:39,945 --> 00:13:42,280 Gary, seriously, can you just shut up for 10 seconds? 322 00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:44,199 Okay, now I can't read what you're writing. 323 00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:46,368 Relax, you're really good at senate vote reform. 324 00:13:46,451 --> 00:13:47,678 Hit that one. That's a home run. 325 00:13:47,702 --> 00:13:48,953 That's your sergeant pepper's. 326 00:13:49,036 --> 00:13:50,473 We can also use my kitten heels gag. 327 00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:51,599 - All right. Is that funny? - No. 328 00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:52,850 It's funny enough for these people. 329 00:13:52,874 --> 00:13:54,917 - Hit the verbs. - Thank you, I've got it. 330 00:13:55,001 --> 00:13:57,795 It's fine, I can do it. I can't... I don't know what that is. 331 00:13:57,878 --> 00:14:00,048 Please welcome vice president selina meyer. 332 00:14:00,382 --> 00:14:01,967 - Go for the money. - It's just pennies. 333 00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:06,345 Hi. Oh! 334 00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:09,807 Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests, 335 00:14:09,890 --> 00:14:11,892 as I'm sure you're aware, 336 00:14:11,976 --> 00:14:15,730 I have stepped into the president's shoes this evening, 337 00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:19,775 and who knew he wore kitten heels? 338 00:14:20,235 --> 00:14:21,611 (Laughing) 339 00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:24,572 Selina: No, he of course doesn't. 340 00:14:24,656 --> 00:14:27,366 He's more of a stilettos kind of guy. 341 00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:30,787 (Chuckles) 342 00:14:33,956 --> 00:14:35,291 (Stammers) 343 00:14:36,292 --> 00:14:37,710 All kidding aside, 344 00:14:37,793 --> 00:14:40,546 I am reminded tonight 345 00:14:40,629 --> 00:14:43,841 of the late senator David Reeves. 346 00:14:47,637 --> 00:14:49,889 He died. 347 00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:52,142 He's dead now. 348 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:54,978 And I remember dear David 349 00:14:55,062 --> 00:14:57,689 talking to the president and myself 350 00:14:57,773 --> 00:15:00,233 about the absurdity of allowing 351 00:15:00,317 --> 00:15:03,110 multiple filibusters on a single bill. 352 00:15:03,195 --> 00:15:05,488 And... 353 00:15:08,325 --> 00:15:12,119 Politics is about people. 354 00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:16,373 It's about people. 355 00:15:20,378 --> 00:15:23,423 - Uh... - Is your guy gonna be tweeting about this? 356 00:15:23,507 --> 00:15:25,132 (Crowd laughing) 357 00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:28,844 Okay, let me put it this way, Sam, 358 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:32,265 that guy is no longer in a position to pay his iPhone contract. 359 00:15:32,349 --> 00:15:33,557 (All laughing) 360 00:15:34,350 --> 00:15:38,188 That's because Mike mclintock there threw him into the potomac river. 361 00:15:41,316 --> 00:15:46,029 Oh, boy. It seems with that cornstarch tweet, we were hoist by our own retard. 362 00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:47,864 (Laughing stops) 363 00:15:51,283 --> 00:15:53,078 I know. I know. I know what I said. 364 00:15:53,161 --> 00:15:55,288 Amy: It's the use of the word "retard." 365 00:15:55,372 --> 00:15:56,973 - It's just not... - But it was a joke. It was a joke. 366 00:15:56,997 --> 00:15:58,457 And then everything went silent. 367 00:15:58,541 --> 00:16:01,544 If I could, I think it would behoove you to make an apology 368 00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:03,856 as soon as possible, in which case I can get someone in your office 369 00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,133 from an appropriate mental health charity... 370 00:16:06,216 --> 00:16:08,510 Who the fuck is pretty boy? Who the fuck is pretty boy? 371 00:16:08,593 --> 00:16:10,887 Look, it's going to be in the papers tomorrow. 372 00:16:10,971 --> 00:16:13,682 Not necessarily. Let's not make it the story and panic, okay? 373 00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:15,642 - What if Tom Hanks dies? - What? 374 00:16:15,725 --> 00:16:17,894 - What a dark thought. - I'm not wishing that. 375 00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:19,205 I'm saying anything could happen. 376 00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:21,429 Tom Hanks could die, there could be a forest fire in la. 377 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,793 How did you get this job? You really want to base your press strategy 378 00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:25,670 based on trying to figure out when Tom Hanks is gonna... 379 00:16:25,694 --> 00:16:28,321 - Did somebody order a dick-o-gram here? - Amy: Yes, seemingly. 380 00:16:28,405 --> 00:16:30,157 Can we not strategize in a closet? 381 00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:33,052 All right, what we're gonna do is we're gonna walk slowly to the car, okay? 382 00:16:33,076 --> 00:16:35,203 But you guys surround me, very purposeful. 383 00:16:35,287 --> 00:16:36,997 - Like a human motorcade. - Exactly. 384 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:40,166 - We're discussing important things. - Like the pope. 385 00:16:40,249 --> 00:16:42,126 - Come on. - Mike: Let's just roll. 386 00:16:42,209 --> 00:16:44,837 - And smile, though. Smile, smile. - Wonderful job. 387 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,673 Smiling. And we're gonna talk about that. 388 00:16:47,756 --> 00:16:49,341 It's not enough of a motor... 389 00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:51,677 Surround me more, though. Surround it. 390 00:16:51,760 --> 00:16:53,679 - Surround me. - Okay, I've got it. I've got it. 391 00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:57,099 I need to keep these off yourjacket 'cause the static attracts and retains dirt. 392 00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:59,435 Selina: Thank you, Gary. Making physics fun. 393 00:16:59,518 --> 00:17:02,813 Amy: Every minute that we delay, "retard" goes up a font size. 394 00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:04,250 Selina: Well then, start the process. 395 00:17:04,274 --> 00:17:06,459 Mike, I think that we're gonna have to have you pull an all-nighter. 396 00:17:06,483 --> 00:17:07,860 No, I can't. I've got the dog. 397 00:17:07,943 --> 00:17:09,904 Okay, listen. Mike, you go home. 398 00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:12,407 Feed the dog. Walk the dog. 399 00:17:12,490 --> 00:17:14,576 Shoot the dog. Bury the dog. 400 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,952 - And then come back in, okay? - The dog will be fine. 401 00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:21,291 She was trying to be funny. 402 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,960 I know. She's not funny. Of course I know that. 403 00:17:24,044 --> 00:17:26,546 No, no, no. She won't be available for that, either. No. 404 00:17:26,630 --> 00:17:29,798 I can't say no to you again, so I'm just going to... 405 00:17:31,593 --> 00:17:33,010 Good morning. 406 00:17:33,093 --> 00:17:35,054 Seen this? 407 00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:39,684 Everybody seen it? Everybody got a good look? 408 00:17:39,768 --> 00:17:42,978 Front page of the style section of the Washington post. 409 00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:45,731 You're the head of communications, is that correct? 410 00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:47,734 - Yes, ma'am. - Tuck your shirt in. 411 00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:50,153 Okay? Your dick is hanging out of your pants. 412 00:17:52,155 --> 00:17:53,406 Sue, did the president call? 413 00:17:58,370 --> 00:18:00,914 - Hey, everyone. - God. 414 00:18:00,997 --> 00:18:04,876 What colossal fuckup are we dealing with this morning? 415 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,712 Did the veep kill the last remaining snow leopard? 416 00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:10,673 Did she firebomb a hospice? 417 00:18:10,756 --> 00:18:12,550 I don't have time to ignore you, Jonah. 418 00:18:12,634 --> 00:18:14,593 Gary, could you please ignore Jonah for me? 419 00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:16,263 What do you want, Jonah? 420 00:18:16,346 --> 00:18:18,390 I have a condolence card for senator Reeves' widow. 421 00:18:18,473 --> 00:18:20,809 Potus has signed, the vpotus needs to sign. 422 00:18:20,892 --> 00:18:22,772 And then I'm gonna take this to the hill, okay? 423 00:18:22,852 --> 00:18:25,688 You talk as if you're passing the civil rights act. 424 00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:28,607 - Look alive, gang. - Hey, good-looking. What you got cooking? 425 00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:30,776 Dickwad pie? 426 00:18:30,859 --> 00:18:32,279 Amy, this is Paul Burton. 427 00:18:32,362 --> 00:18:34,881 He's the chair of the American foundation for adult mental disabilities. 428 00:18:34,905 --> 00:18:37,325 - Hi. How are you? - Hi. It's nice to meet you. I'm Amy. 429 00:18:37,409 --> 00:18:39,244 Mr. Burton, love to bring you into my office. 430 00:18:39,327 --> 00:18:42,121 - Thank you. - Did you know that I have my own flag? 431 00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:45,667 Ma'am, I have a condolence card here for senator Reeves' widow. 432 00:18:45,750 --> 00:18:48,627 Oh, uh, Amy, can you... 433 00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:51,673 - Gary, we are going to need two coffees. - Okay. 434 00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:54,049 - Shouldn't that be three? - Two is good. 435 00:18:57,012 --> 00:18:58,305 Guys, a man is dead. 436 00:18:58,388 --> 00:19:01,932 When a sexual harasser dies, we sign his wife's card. 437 00:19:02,017 --> 00:19:03,976 Okay? That's how Washington works. 438 00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:06,353 - I will sign it. - Fine, thank you. 439 00:19:07,063 --> 00:19:09,148 That was her telling me to sign her name. 440 00:19:09,231 --> 00:19:11,460 If she'd wanted me to sign your name, she would have done this... 441 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:12,985 (Grunting) 442 00:19:13,569 --> 00:19:15,446 That didn't get me. 443 00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:17,157 Selina: I mean, I misjudged things. 444 00:19:17,240 --> 00:19:19,700 Fundamentally, I would say I misjoked. 445 00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:21,410 I mean, if we were gonna really be... 446 00:19:22,412 --> 00:19:23,912 Ha-ha! Tall, dark and tiresome, 447 00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:26,082 you need to get back to your boss's corner. 448 00:19:26,166 --> 00:19:28,418 Hallowes is on the ropes. She was reported by the blog 449 00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:31,837 saying that the late senator Reeves had a history of sexual misconduct. 450 00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:34,715 Yeah, well, you know what? I don't work for senator hallowes. 451 00:19:34,798 --> 00:19:36,508 I resigned just about an hour ago. 452 00:19:36,593 --> 00:19:39,846 - Are you kidding me? - Yeah, right after I leaked that story. 453 00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:41,847 - What are you planning? - What? 454 00:19:41,931 --> 00:19:43,850 - What? - What? 455 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,578 Amy: Can you please keep your eye on him, please? 456 00:19:45,602 --> 00:19:46,686 Mike: Yeah. 457 00:19:46,770 --> 00:19:49,314 - 'Cause this is shady shit. - Okay. 458 00:19:49,397 --> 00:19:51,900 All right, Mike, here's what we do, okay? 459 00:19:51,983 --> 00:19:56,029 At the 11:30, you say that senator hallowes not only insulted the late senator Reeves, 460 00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:58,155 but that she also encouraged... 461 00:19:58,238 --> 00:19:59,615 No, wait, strike that. 462 00:19:59,698 --> 00:20:03,244 She goaded the vp into using the word retard in a joke. 463 00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:04,745 See what I'm doing? 464 00:20:04,828 --> 00:20:07,540 Senator hallowes is responsible for "retardgate." 465 00:20:07,624 --> 00:20:10,043 Are you like a guy trying to be clever? 466 00:20:10,126 --> 00:20:12,326 'Cause you seem like a guy who thinks he's being clever. 467 00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:15,131 Take a good look at me, okay? 468 00:20:15,215 --> 00:20:17,174 Now ask yourself something, Mike. 469 00:20:17,257 --> 00:20:20,886 Is the man you're looking at gonna be in a position a year from now 470 00:20:20,969 --> 00:20:22,639 working above you or below you? 471 00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:25,016 'Cause all ambition you had left your body a long time ago 472 00:20:25,100 --> 00:20:27,952 and now all you've got left in the last 10 remaining years of your working life 473 00:20:27,976 --> 00:20:31,563 is a damp apartment, cold crab cakes, and an invisible fucking dog. 474 00:20:31,647 --> 00:20:33,207 Do you want to follow this plan or not? 475 00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:35,527 Make a calculation, buddy. 476 00:20:38,113 --> 00:20:41,324 In your poly-sci ba, did you ever learn how to write a press release? 477 00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:42,635 I think I might have heard of that. 478 00:20:42,659 --> 00:20:43,743 - Let me teach you. - Okay. 479 00:20:44,786 --> 00:20:48,038 Did Jonah leave? Is he gone with that condolence card? 480 00:20:48,123 --> 00:20:49,416 Yeah, he just left. 481 00:20:49,499 --> 00:20:53,336 'Cause I think that I signed my name. 482 00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,297 - What? - Not selina's name, my name. 483 00:20:56,381 --> 00:20:57,673 Okay. Whoa, whoa. Okay, wait. 484 00:20:58,006 --> 00:21:01,177 How sure are you on a scale of one to 10? Like one is the... 485 00:21:01,261 --> 00:21:03,238 Yeah, yeah, I can work out how the fucking scale will go, Gary. 486 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,348 - Nine. - That's almost a full 10. 487 00:21:05,432 --> 00:21:07,767 - Yeah, I signed my name. - Oh. Father. 488 00:21:07,851 --> 00:21:10,186 It's gonna look like the veep couldn't be bothered to sign 489 00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:13,106 a condolence card for one of the most respected perverts in the senate. 490 00:21:13,189 --> 00:21:14,941 If I were writing a memoir, which I'm not, 491 00:21:15,024 --> 00:21:17,985 but if I were, whew, this would be a big moment. 492 00:21:18,652 --> 00:21:20,529 No one can know about this. 493 00:21:20,612 --> 00:21:22,281 - She cannot know about this. - Sue: Duh. 494 00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:25,702 - No, no, no, Gary! - Gary, what are you doing? 495 00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:29,998 Gary: So sorry. I just need to tell you something. 496 00:21:41,050 --> 00:21:43,886 What the fuck, Amy? 497 00:21:46,930 --> 00:21:50,642 I am putting out two fires in there, 498 00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:54,230 and I turn around to find out that you have set fire 499 00:21:54,314 --> 00:21:56,024 to the fucking fire truck. 500 00:21:56,107 --> 00:21:57,816 Sorry, sorry, sorry. 501 00:21:57,900 --> 00:22:02,071 The level of incompetence in this office is staggering. 502 00:22:02,155 --> 00:22:05,782 We are going to get the card back and replace it with a new one. 503 00:22:05,867 --> 00:22:07,660 - Yeah, that's right. - Simple. 504 00:22:07,744 --> 00:22:08,870 You're gonna get on it. 505 00:22:08,953 --> 00:22:12,040 You are going to shut this the fuck down, okay? 506 00:22:12,707 --> 00:22:16,668 Because I am busy in there apologizing to that 507 00:22:16,752 --> 00:22:18,253 fucktard. 508 00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:22,842 God! 509 00:22:22,926 --> 00:22:25,553 Okay. It's fine. 510 00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:30,432 Mr. Burton. I am so sorry. 511 00:22:30,516 --> 00:22:32,893 We're having a complicated day here. 512 00:22:34,479 --> 00:22:36,813 I'm not happy about having to give this press briefing. 513 00:22:36,897 --> 00:22:39,233 Yeah, and of course your happiness is top of my agenda, 514 00:22:39,316 --> 00:22:41,252 right above climate control and child trafficking. 515 00:22:41,276 --> 00:22:43,362 Oh, my gosh, is this gonna become like moonlighting? 516 00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:45,113 Where we fall in love and start fucking? 517 00:22:46,074 --> 00:22:49,160 Amy: Gary is going to go to Jonah's office 518 00:22:49,744 --> 00:22:53,289 and somewhat surreptitiously get the card back. 519 00:22:53,373 --> 00:22:55,059 I don't have a coat. I need to hide the card. 520 00:22:55,083 --> 00:22:56,709 There's coffee on my coat. 521 00:22:56,793 --> 00:22:58,395 Sue: Yeah, that's right. You can borrow my coat. 522 00:22:58,419 --> 00:23:00,213 Thank you, sue. Thank you, sue. 523 00:23:00,296 --> 00:23:01,923 - Thanks, sue. - Solution-sue. 524 00:23:02,006 --> 00:23:04,591 - Of course. There's some solutions. - Thank you. 525 00:23:06,635 --> 00:23:09,888 Thank you so much. That was really kind of you. 526 00:23:11,349 --> 00:23:15,018 - First of all, you should put the hood down. - I wasn't going to put the hood up. 527 00:23:16,479 --> 00:23:20,567 Well, good luck, Gary. I am convinced that you can probably do this. 528 00:23:20,650 --> 00:23:22,318 Thank you. 529 00:23:23,069 --> 00:23:24,964 Sue: Want me to ring through, tell them you're coming? 530 00:23:24,988 --> 00:23:27,239 - No, my god! - Okay, okay, a joke. 531 00:23:27,322 --> 00:23:29,951 Hello. Lightening the mood here. 532 00:23:30,617 --> 00:23:34,664 Amy, come up with a plan b. Okay? 'Cause... 533 00:23:57,019 --> 00:23:58,270 - Jonah. - Are you here 534 00:23:58,353 --> 00:24:00,189 to steal the incorrectly-signed card, Gary? 535 00:24:00,648 --> 00:24:03,650 - Come on, no. - This looks really bad. 536 00:24:03,734 --> 00:24:06,069 - It's not bad. - Gary, I'm a friend of yours. 537 00:24:07,238 --> 00:24:08,948 I don't think you are. 538 00:24:09,032 --> 00:24:10,617 - At all. - I'm just kidding. 539 00:24:10,700 --> 00:24:13,995 Gary, loosen up, okay? I'm gonna give you the card, all right? 540 00:24:14,078 --> 00:24:16,622 All right. To be honest, I was a little scared. 541 00:24:16,705 --> 00:24:18,166 - (Laughs) - Yeah, yeah. 542 00:24:18,249 --> 00:24:20,585 - There it is. - Thank you. 543 00:24:20,668 --> 00:24:22,170 - It's just really... - Okay. 544 00:24:22,253 --> 00:24:24,714 - I'm sorry. - Let's just get to the bad part. 545 00:24:24,797 --> 00:24:26,775 Let's just get to the bad part 'cause I know you got one. 546 00:24:26,799 --> 00:24:29,439 I don't like tension. I got acid reflux. Let's get to the bad part. 547 00:24:29,510 --> 00:24:32,095 I want Amy to go on a date with me tonight. 548 00:24:32,179 --> 00:24:35,265 Okay, okay, okay. That's impossible. 549 00:24:35,349 --> 00:24:37,368 Don't worry about it, okay? We're not gonna have sex, all right? 550 00:24:37,392 --> 00:24:39,269 - Because she hates me. - Okay. 551 00:24:39,353 --> 00:24:41,980 - But Amy's an eight. - Okay. 552 00:24:42,064 --> 00:24:44,816 And if all the other eights that I do want to have sex with 553 00:24:44,900 --> 00:24:46,777 see that I am eight-capable, 554 00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:49,822 then I'm going to be having some sex with an eight very soon. 555 00:24:49,906 --> 00:24:51,324 It is intern season, Gary. 556 00:24:51,908 --> 00:24:53,617 Do I look like a pimp to you? 557 00:24:53,700 --> 00:24:56,788 You look exactly like a pimp. 558 00:24:58,664 --> 00:25:01,124 Dan, waiting for some crumbs to fall? 559 00:25:01,208 --> 00:25:02,669 - Fuck off. - Sue: Uh, no. 560 00:25:02,752 --> 00:25:04,432 Got to talk to her for one moment, please. 561 00:25:04,504 --> 00:25:06,565 No, she's actually really burdened right now with a bunch of... 562 00:25:06,589 --> 00:25:08,840 Sue, it'll take one second, literally. 563 00:25:08,924 --> 00:25:11,844 - Mike, she's spinning. - Okay. I'll come back. 564 00:25:18,142 --> 00:25:20,185 Hey! What's up, pumpkin? 565 00:25:20,268 --> 00:25:22,188 What the fuck are you still doing here? 566 00:25:22,271 --> 00:25:24,231 Vice president asked me to stop by. 567 00:25:24,314 --> 00:25:26,109 Right. 568 00:25:26,192 --> 00:25:28,735 (Chanting) Go, Gary. Go, go, go, Gary. 569 00:25:28,819 --> 00:25:31,614 - Go, Gary. - Well done, buddy. 570 00:25:31,698 --> 00:25:33,366 - No, you didn't. - Yes. 571 00:25:33,449 --> 00:25:34,909 - You got it? - Yes, I did. 572 00:25:34,992 --> 00:25:37,662 Wow. Gary. Good for you. 573 00:25:37,745 --> 00:25:39,454 Good for... oh. Excuse me. 574 00:25:39,538 --> 00:25:41,040 All right. 575 00:25:41,124 --> 00:25:43,164 Yeah, although I did have to make a deal with Jonah. 576 00:25:43,209 --> 00:25:45,627 Amy's got to go on a date with him tonight. 577 00:25:45,712 --> 00:25:47,754 - (Laughing) - Oh, no, she's not. 578 00:25:47,838 --> 00:25:51,134 He doesn't want to have sex with you. He just wants dinner and a movie. 579 00:25:51,217 --> 00:25:53,636 No, Amy is not going on a date with Jonah. 580 00:25:53,720 --> 00:25:57,305 Get a grip. It's a date and no sex. 581 00:25:57,389 --> 00:25:59,808 For me, that was 12 years of marriage. 582 00:25:59,891 --> 00:26:02,310 - I'll get you guys a motel. - Ugh. 583 00:26:02,937 --> 00:26:04,731 Selina: Oh, god, no! 584 00:26:04,813 --> 00:26:07,150 Make a hole! Make a hole! Make a hole! 585 00:26:07,233 --> 00:26:08,860 - Oh, my god. - Look at this. 586 00:26:08,943 --> 00:26:10,153 - What? What? - Look. 587 00:26:10,236 --> 00:26:12,529 The president already signed this one. 588 00:26:12,612 --> 00:26:16,658 Okay? We're gonna have to forge the president's signature on the new one. 589 00:26:16,950 --> 00:26:18,660 Gary: Well, that's a capital offense. 590 00:26:18,744 --> 00:26:21,706 Yeah, you could be legally electrocuted for doing that, just so you know. 591 00:26:21,789 --> 00:26:24,207 I'm not here. I have plausible deniability. 592 00:26:24,291 --> 00:26:25,584 Dan: Look, I'll do it. I got it. 593 00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:28,629 The key is you do it upside down. 594 00:26:30,631 --> 00:26:32,257 That is extraordinary. 595 00:26:32,340 --> 00:26:33,968 Is there anything you can't do? 596 00:26:34,051 --> 00:26:35,887 Foreplay, direct sunlight. 597 00:26:36,429 --> 00:26:39,431 - Ma'am, I am at your service. - Amy, yes. 598 00:26:39,514 --> 00:26:41,850 I wanted to talk to you about this. 599 00:26:41,976 --> 00:26:44,645 I have offered Dan a permanent post 600 00:26:44,729 --> 00:26:46,481 - here in the office. - Okay. 601 00:26:46,564 --> 00:26:48,398 - Great. - Not a problem. 602 00:26:48,482 --> 00:26:50,192 I'll get the BlackBerry fired up. 603 00:26:50,275 --> 00:26:52,653 - Sounds good to me. - Here we go. 604 00:26:53,361 --> 00:26:55,698 - Do you have a second? - Sure. 605 00:26:57,700 --> 00:27:00,494 You hired him? You hired the biggest bastard in DC? 606 00:27:00,578 --> 00:27:02,579 Yeah, well, I'm fluent in bastard. 607 00:27:02,662 --> 00:27:04,040 Okay? It's one of my languages. 608 00:27:04,123 --> 00:27:06,417 Amy, I used Dan to get what I wanted. 609 00:27:06,542 --> 00:27:09,212 He used you to get what he wanted. 610 00:27:09,796 --> 00:27:14,258 Uh-uh. No. I definitely used him. I'm the user, and he's the usee. 611 00:27:14,342 --> 00:27:17,053 Okay, Amy, here we go. 612 00:27:17,136 --> 00:27:19,013 Shrimp iinguini and a porno. 613 00:27:19,096 --> 00:27:20,681 Oh, hey, I'm just kidding. 614 00:27:20,765 --> 00:27:22,682 It's chicken iinguini. I'll be over here. 615 00:27:22,766 --> 00:27:25,894 Dan is manipulative. He is cunning. 616 00:27:25,978 --> 00:27:28,815 I know. That's why I hired him. Why aren't you listening to me? 617 00:27:28,898 --> 00:27:32,151 In six months when all this bullshit dies down, 618 00:27:32,235 --> 00:27:34,903 we're gonna put an oil guy on the clean jobs commission. 619 00:27:34,986 --> 00:27:37,072 You're pouring oil on clean jobs? 620 00:27:37,155 --> 00:27:39,449 Please, please, Amy, grow up. 621 00:27:39,534 --> 00:27:41,828 This is how they solved the Cuban missile crisis. 622 00:27:41,911 --> 00:27:43,329 This is my Cuba. 623 00:27:43,412 --> 00:27:45,831 Did Dan tell you that this is your Cuba? 624 00:27:45,914 --> 00:27:47,374 He's such a shit. 625 00:27:47,457 --> 00:27:49,061 I know, that's what I'm trying to tell you. 626 00:27:49,085 --> 00:27:52,421 You sold him to me as a shit and that's why I hired him. 627 00:27:52,505 --> 00:27:55,258 He's shitty me, okay? I need a shit. 628 00:27:55,882 --> 00:27:59,512 - You are so going to regret... - Amy, I need a shit. 629 00:27:59,846 --> 00:28:02,013 - Knock, knock. Hello. - Hello. 630 00:28:02,097 --> 00:28:03,991 Bob jeffries of the plastics and cellulose association. 631 00:28:04,015 --> 00:28:05,350 Oh, my goodness. 632 00:28:05,433 --> 00:28:06,953 - Madam vice president. - How do you do? 633 00:28:06,977 --> 00:28:08,621 - Please, come into my office. - Thank you so much. 634 00:28:08,645 --> 00:28:10,313 Do you know that I have my own flag? 635 00:28:10,397 --> 00:28:13,233 I hope that's one of our cellulose flags. 636 00:28:13,316 --> 00:28:15,277 Selina: (Laughs) You're too much. 637 00:28:23,035 --> 00:28:27,957 Jonah: Your chariot awaits. So, yeah, grab your coat. 638 00:28:28,666 --> 00:28:33,713 Okay, little Jack homer, there you are. You got a brand-new desk in the corner. 639 00:28:33,796 --> 00:28:35,381 Follow me, I've got a beautiful spot 640 00:28:35,464 --> 00:28:38,217 for your adoring photo of girlfriend Carol hallowes. 641 00:28:38,301 --> 00:28:39,945 Actually, she's not my girlfriend anymore. 642 00:28:39,969 --> 00:28:42,263 I just broke up with her about 15 minutes ago via text. 643 00:28:42,346 --> 00:28:45,224 - Cold and rather nerdy. - Actually, it was an app. 644 00:28:45,308 --> 00:28:47,476 All right, move out. Slick's moving in. 645 00:28:48,102 --> 00:28:50,729 Selina: Gary, can we get two coffees in here? 646 00:28:51,772 --> 00:28:53,274 No sweeteners. 647 00:28:53,566 --> 00:28:55,526 - No sweeteners? - Sugar. 648 00:28:55,610 --> 00:28:57,987 - No sweeteners? - No sweetener. Sugar. 649 00:29:02,325 --> 00:29:05,328 Touch me, you lose a finger. And a ball. 650 00:29:05,995 --> 00:29:07,848 Funny story. I was at the white house this morning 651 00:29:07,872 --> 00:29:09,641 and the president saw I was eating trail mix. 652 00:29:09,665 --> 00:29:11,500 So I said, "do you like trail mix?"