1 00:00:26,901 --> 00:00:29,028 Dwight: Last week, I gave a fire safety talk, 2 00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,447 (clears throat loudly) 3 00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:32,740 And nobody paid any attention. 4 00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:35,743 It's my own fault for using powerpoint. 5 00:00:35,910 --> 00:00:37,287 Powerpoint is boring. 6 00:00:37,912 --> 00:00:40,165 People learn in lots of different ways, 7 00:00:40,248 --> 00:00:43,168 but experience is the best teacher. 8 00:00:48,756 --> 00:00:51,551 Today, smoking is going to save lives. 9 00:01:10,778 --> 00:01:13,239 Does anyone smell anything smoky? 10 00:01:13,323 --> 00:01:15,867 Did you bring yourjerky in again? 11 00:01:16,576 --> 00:01:18,161 (Clears throat) 12 00:01:20,705 --> 00:01:22,749 Oh, my god! Oh, my god! 13 00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:24,583 Fire! 14 00:01:24,626 --> 00:01:27,128 Oh, fire! Oh, my goodness. What's the procedure? 15 00:01:27,212 --> 00:01:29,023 Dwight: What do we do, people? The phones are dead. 16 00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:30,256 Oh. How did that happen? 17 00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:31,382 It's out in the hall. 18 00:01:31,466 --> 00:01:32,466 No. We don't know that. 19 00:01:32,509 --> 00:01:33,944 The smoke could be coming through an air duct. 20 00:01:33,968 --> 00:01:35,512 Oh, my god! Okay, it's happening. 21 00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:36,822 Everybody stay calm. Everybody stay calm! 22 00:01:36,846 --> 00:01:38,240 Dwight: What's the procedure, everyone? 23 00:01:38,264 --> 00:01:39,933 What's the procedure? Stay... calm! 24 00:01:40,016 --> 00:01:42,310 Everybodyjust... calm down! 25 00:01:42,393 --> 00:01:44,604 No, no, Michael, no! Touch the handle. 26 00:01:44,687 --> 00:01:47,649 If it's hot there could be a fire in the hallway! 27 00:01:48,816 --> 00:01:50,794 What does warm mean? Oh, my gosh. Try a different door. 28 00:01:50,818 --> 00:01:52,779 (All clamoring) Not a viable option. What next? 29 00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:54,131 Michael: Don't run! Jim: Try the other door. 30 00:01:54,155 --> 00:01:57,075 Dwight: Here's a door. Check that one out. How's the handle? 31 00:01:57,158 --> 00:01:59,077 It's warm. Jim: Okay, go to the back door. 32 00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:01,079 Well, another option. Another option. 33 00:02:01,162 --> 00:02:02,705 Jeez! Okay, settle down, everyone! 34 00:02:02,789 --> 00:02:03,807 Phyllis: I forgot my purse! 35 00:02:03,831 --> 00:02:04,999 Leave it, woman! 36 00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:06,268 Michael: Get out of the way! Go, go, go, go, go! 37 00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:07,752 Things can be replaced, Phyllis! 38 00:02:07,835 --> 00:02:10,171 People, human lives, however... 39 00:02:13,758 --> 00:02:15,051 (Exclaims) My hand! That's hot! 40 00:02:15,134 --> 00:02:16,636 This one's hot, too. 41 00:02:16,719 --> 00:02:18,680 Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself! 42 00:02:18,763 --> 00:02:21,266 Let's go! Let's go! Get out of my way! 43 00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:23,560 Dwight: Okay. Okay. Okay! 44 00:02:23,643 --> 00:02:24,686 Kevin: Get out of the way! 45 00:02:24,769 --> 00:02:26,646 Dwight: Have you ever seen a burn victim? 46 00:02:26,729 --> 00:02:27,772 Move it! 47 00:02:27,855 --> 00:02:30,191 Dwight: Okay! Procedure! Procedure! 48 00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:32,819 Exit options! Where do we go, folks? 49 00:02:32,902 --> 00:02:34,713 Dwight: Use a what to cover the mouth? (Shushing) It's okay. 50 00:02:34,737 --> 00:02:38,616 A what? A rag, a damp rag perhaps. 51 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:41,286 Let's remember those procedures. What are the options? 52 00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:43,097 Okay! That's the wrong way. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. 53 00:02:43,121 --> 00:02:45,999 We've already tried that. Remember your exit points. 54 00:02:46,082 --> 00:02:47,442 Dwight: Exit points, people. Oscar? 55 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:48,769 Dwight: What's next, huh? Oscar! 56 00:02:48,793 --> 00:02:49,953 Stay alive, I'm getting help! 57 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,004 Pull me up! 58 00:02:51,087 --> 00:02:52,088 You're too heavy. 59 00:02:52,171 --> 00:02:53,339 I only weigh 82 pounds. 60 00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:54,424 (Cat meows) 61 00:02:54,507 --> 00:02:55,883 Save bandit! 62 00:02:57,343 --> 00:02:58,511 (Cat yowls) 63 00:02:59,137 --> 00:03:01,556 How about 911? Anyone? 911? 64 00:03:12,191 --> 00:03:13,318 What do we do? 65 00:03:13,401 --> 00:03:15,445 Use the surge of fear and adrenaline 66 00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:16,946 to sharpen your decision making. 67 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,532 Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. 68 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:22,827 (Firecrackers bursting) 69 00:03:22,910 --> 00:03:24,270 Angela: What is that? What is that? 70 00:03:24,329 --> 00:03:26,664 The fire's shooting at us! 71 00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:29,626 What in the name of god is going on? 72 00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:31,461 (Alarm ringing) 73 00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:33,129 I'm trying to... 74 00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:36,633 (Phyllis screams) 75 00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:40,845 (Screams) 76 00:03:43,348 --> 00:03:46,351 Help! Help! 77 00:03:46,434 --> 00:03:48,102 Oh, my god! 78 00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:51,981 (Air horn blaring) 79 00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:56,653 Attention! Employees of dunder Mifflin! 80 00:03:56,736 --> 00:04:00,156 This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. 81 00:04:00,239 --> 00:04:02,450 There's no fire. It was only a simulation. 82 00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:03,534 What? 83 00:04:03,618 --> 00:04:07,288 Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. 84 00:04:08,456 --> 00:04:10,416 So what have we learned? 85 00:04:10,958 --> 00:04:12,460 Oh, come on. It's not real, Stanley. 86 00:04:12,543 --> 00:04:13,544 Kevin: Oh, my god. 87 00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:14,730 Dwight: Don't have a heart attack. 88 00:04:14,754 --> 00:04:16,214 No, no, no, no, you will not die! 89 00:04:16,297 --> 00:04:19,634 Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! 90 00:04:19,717 --> 00:04:21,886 Stanley! Barack is president! 91 00:04:21,969 --> 00:04:24,430 You are black, Stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth-to-mouth. 92 00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:26,241 No, no, no. Don't give him mouth-to-mouth for this. 93 00:04:26,265 --> 00:04:27,475 He just swallowed his tongue. 94 00:04:27,558 --> 00:04:30,853 Michael! Michael! Open your mouth. Don't swallow it! 95 00:04:31,145 --> 00:04:35,441 I'm fine! Leave me... I'm saving him! 96 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:10,184 How could you possibly think this is a good idea? 97 00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,645 A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time. 98 00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:13,980 Electricity. Shampoo. 99 00:05:14,063 --> 00:05:16,065 You could have burned down the whole building. 100 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:18,860 I just want to say, for the record, I did not kill anyone. 101 00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:20,903 Stanley was attacked by his own heart. 102 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:22,905 And he should be released from the hospital 103 00:05:22,989 --> 00:05:24,425 and back in the office in a couple days. 104 00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:27,618 Did you shout "fire," causing a panic? 105 00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:30,705 Yes, I shouted "fire." I shouted many things. 106 00:05:30,788 --> 00:05:33,624 I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building. 107 00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:36,294 So you can imagine my frustration, as safety officer, 108 00:05:36,377 --> 00:05:38,546 when nobody would heed of... 109 00:05:38,629 --> 00:05:40,548 Heeded... heeded of... "Head." "Head." 110 00:05:40,631 --> 00:05:41,859 When no one headed... "Take headed of." 111 00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:44,469 No one would take headed of my instructions. 112 00:05:44,552 --> 00:05:46,137 So you... "Heed." "Heed." 113 00:05:46,220 --> 00:05:47,281 "Take heed of." "Take heed of." 114 00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:50,808 And I don't see my co-workers heeding this right now. 115 00:05:53,561 --> 00:05:55,271 Wait, what? 116 00:05:55,354 --> 00:05:56,481 Okay. 117 00:05:58,483 --> 00:05:59,692 (Sighs) 118 00:06:08,117 --> 00:06:09,869 (Exhales) The city. 119 00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:13,080 Dwight. 120 00:06:15,124 --> 00:06:16,876 We are not mad, we are just disappointed. 121 00:06:16,959 --> 00:06:18,294 No, we are mad. 122 00:06:18,377 --> 00:06:21,172 Yes, we are. We are livid. 123 00:06:21,255 --> 00:06:23,174 But we are going to let this one slide. 124 00:06:23,257 --> 00:06:24,550 Dwight: Thank you. No, we're not. 125 00:06:24,634 --> 00:06:26,886 I am not a mind reader, David. 126 00:06:28,429 --> 00:06:31,808 Look, this is a very serious offense. 127 00:06:31,891 --> 00:06:33,226 We have cause to fire you. 128 00:06:33,309 --> 00:06:35,394 Michael: (Whispering) Can you shove down? 129 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:38,856 Instead... shove down, please. 130 00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:41,192 Instead what I think we should do is 131 00:06:41,275 --> 00:06:43,903 strip you of your title as safety officer. 132 00:06:43,986 --> 00:06:46,197 And we should take a part of his pay 133 00:06:46,280 --> 00:06:48,699 and donate it to the charity of your choice. 134 00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:50,010 Something that Dwight doesn't like. 135 00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:51,035 Peta. 136 00:06:51,118 --> 00:06:54,330 Michael, you have to take responsibility here. 137 00:06:54,413 --> 00:06:56,749 One of your employees had a heart attack. 138 00:06:56,833 --> 00:06:58,417 He could have died because of the way 139 00:06:58,501 --> 00:06:59,919 you're allowing your office to run. 140 00:07:00,002 --> 00:07:01,712 Do you want that on your conscience? 141 00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:03,172 Do you? 142 00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,736 David: Michael? Are you talking to me? 143 00:07:04,799 --> 00:07:06,509 David: Yeah. 144 00:07:06,592 --> 00:07:07,677 What? 145 00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:12,974 Well, I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. 146 00:07:13,057 --> 00:07:14,225 (Chuckles smugly) 147 00:07:14,308 --> 00:07:16,745 Always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change 148 00:07:16,769 --> 00:07:19,939 with a 20-minute meeting in some fancy high rise. 149 00:07:20,857 --> 00:07:23,317 What's the matter? Are you hungry? 150 00:07:24,110 --> 00:07:26,112 No, Dwight, I am worried. 151 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,739 A man's life is in my hands. 152 00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:30,283 Now don't you worry about that. 153 00:07:30,366 --> 00:07:32,326 I got it covered. Okay? 154 00:07:32,410 --> 00:07:35,663 I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping. 155 00:07:35,746 --> 00:07:37,331 That's not going to happen. 156 00:07:37,415 --> 00:07:39,750 I'm taking over as safety man. 157 00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:41,377 What? You? Yes. 158 00:07:41,502 --> 00:07:42,837 Come on. I'm a smart guy. 159 00:07:42,879 --> 00:07:45,798 That's preposterous. I'll figure it out. No. I will. 160 00:07:47,174 --> 00:07:49,927 Nobody should have to go to work thinking, 161 00:07:50,011 --> 00:07:53,097 "oh, this is the place that I might die today." 162 00:07:53,639 --> 00:07:56,017 That's what a hospital's for. 163 00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:59,562 An office is for not dying. 164 00:08:00,771 --> 00:08:07,194 An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the Max. To... 165 00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:13,034 An office is a place where dreams come true. 166 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,870 (Shushing) 167 00:08:15,953 --> 00:08:18,873 Don't excite him. Don't make him excitable. 168 00:08:22,209 --> 00:08:23,836 Welcome back, Stanley. 169 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,546 Thank you, Michael. 170 00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:28,215 It's true, around this office in the past 171 00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:30,426 I have been a little abrupt with people. 172 00:08:30,509 --> 00:08:31,928 Not maybe, yes or no. 173 00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:33,011 No way. Uh-uh. 174 00:08:33,054 --> 00:08:34,430 Are you from another planet? 175 00:08:34,513 --> 00:08:35,673 Boy, have you lost your mind? 176 00:08:35,723 --> 00:08:36,933 Because I'll help you find it! 177 00:08:37,016 --> 00:08:38,017 Did I stutter? 178 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:39,852 I'm done. Goodbye. 179 00:08:41,312 --> 00:08:44,315 But the doctor said if I can't find a new way 180 00:08:44,398 --> 00:08:48,194 to relate more positively to my surroundings, I'm going to die. 181 00:08:48,736 --> 00:08:49,736 Andy. 182 00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:52,156 (In British accent) A throne for your highness. 183 00:08:52,990 --> 00:08:54,450 I'm not sitting in a wheelchair. 184 00:08:54,533 --> 00:08:55,618 No, no, no. No debate. 185 00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:57,054 You are going to sit in that wheelchair 186 00:08:57,078 --> 00:08:58,746 until you are back on your feet. 187 00:08:59,997 --> 00:09:01,290 I'm going to die. 188 00:09:03,125 --> 00:09:04,835 Abc, okay? 189 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:08,130 And that stands for "airway, breathing and circulation." 190 00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:10,233 Okay. You know what? That could be a little confusing, 191 00:09:10,257 --> 00:09:12,885 because in sales abc means "always be closing." 192 00:09:12,969 --> 00:09:15,054 This is a farce. I should be teaching this course. 193 00:09:15,137 --> 00:09:16,180 Shut it. Shut it. 194 00:09:16,263 --> 00:09:20,184 We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things 195 00:09:20,267 --> 00:09:21,852 when Stanley had his... 196 00:09:21,936 --> 00:09:23,562 When his heart went berserk. 197 00:09:23,980 --> 00:09:25,523 And I knew exactly what to do. 198 00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:29,443 But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. 199 00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:32,530 So I thought we should have a cpr training class. 200 00:09:32,613 --> 00:09:36,242 And of course you can't get the practice dummy 201 00:09:36,325 --> 00:09:38,703 unless the instructor comes along with it. 202 00:09:38,786 --> 00:09:41,080 Red cross and their racket. 203 00:09:43,374 --> 00:09:45,209 I can't keep doing this forever. 204 00:09:45,292 --> 00:09:46,919 It's been 20 seconds. 205 00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,589 Call it. 206 00:09:50,673 --> 00:09:51,966 Would you like to try next? 207 00:09:52,049 --> 00:09:53,926 Absolutely I would not. 208 00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:56,303 You know who I really think should go? 209 00:09:56,762 --> 00:09:58,180 Stanley. 210 00:09:58,264 --> 00:09:59,557 Oh, I don't know. 211 00:09:59,640 --> 00:10:02,351 It's not a good idea, Michael. He needs to rest. 212 00:10:02,435 --> 00:10:04,228 No rest for the sick. 213 00:10:06,564 --> 00:10:09,984 We are not always going to be there 214 00:10:10,067 --> 00:10:15,072 to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. 215 00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:17,801 What are you going to do if you're by yourself and your heart stops? 216 00:10:17,825 --> 00:10:19,201 I would die. 217 00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:20,578 And you're okay with that? 218 00:10:20,661 --> 00:10:22,413 I'm okay with the logic of it. 219 00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:25,583 Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let's do this. 220 00:10:25,666 --> 00:10:27,418 Stanley: Yes, I had a heart attack. 221 00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:30,421 I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job. 222 00:10:30,504 --> 00:10:32,590 And I don't have enough saved to retire. 223 00:10:32,673 --> 00:10:35,509 I feel like I'm working in my own casket. 224 00:10:36,260 --> 00:10:38,012 Come on, Stanley! You're losing you! 225 00:10:38,095 --> 00:10:39,930 You're losing you! Do it! 226 00:10:40,014 --> 00:10:41,974 Michael. Michael: This is you we're talking about. 227 00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:43,017 Michael. 228 00:10:43,100 --> 00:10:45,227 Okay, okay, I'll show them. Here we go. 229 00:10:47,354 --> 00:10:49,648 All right. Rose: So assessing the situation. 230 00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:51,317 Are they breathing? 231 00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:54,361 No, Rose. They are not breathing. 232 00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:57,156 And they have no arms or legs. 233 00:10:57,239 --> 00:10:58,365 No, that's not part of it. 234 00:10:58,449 --> 00:10:59,533 Where are they? 235 00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:01,911 You know what? If we come across somebody 236 00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:05,956 with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? 237 00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:08,375 I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there? 238 00:11:08,459 --> 00:11:10,169 I would want to live with no legs. 239 00:11:10,252 --> 00:11:11,921 How about no arms? 240 00:11:12,004 --> 00:11:14,632 No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. 241 00:11:14,715 --> 00:11:15,966 You don't do anything. 242 00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:19,595 Rose: All right. Well, let's get back to it, because you're losing him. 243 00:11:19,887 --> 00:11:20,971 Okay, too fast. 244 00:11:21,055 --> 00:11:23,849 Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of 100 beats per minute. 245 00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:27,394 Okay. That's hard to keep track. How many is that per hour? 246 00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:28,622 How is that going to help you? 247 00:11:28,646 --> 00:11:30,981 I will divide and then count to it. Right. 248 00:11:31,065 --> 00:11:32,441 Okay, well, a good trick 249 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:35,277 is to pump to the tune of staying alive by the Bee Gees. 250 00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:36,361 Do you know that song? 251 00:11:36,403 --> 00:11:38,739 Yes, yes. I do. I love that song. 252 00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:41,784 (Singing) First I was afraid, I was petrified 253 00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:43,410 no, it's... 254 00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:44,787 (Vocalizing) 255 00:11:44,870 --> 00:11:46,264 (Singing) Sta yin' alive, stayin' alive 256 00:11:46,288 --> 00:11:48,266 okay. That's enough. You were in the parking lot earlier. 257 00:11:48,290 --> 00:11:50,167 That's how I know you. 258 00:11:52,711 --> 00:11:54,547 (Vocalizing) 259 00:11:54,630 --> 00:11:56,799 (Singing) Sta yin' alive, stayin' alive 260 00:11:56,882 --> 00:11:58,843 (both vocalizing) 261 00:11:58,926 --> 00:12:01,345 Stayin' alive, stayin' alive stayin' alive, stayin' alive 262 00:12:01,428 --> 00:12:04,098 well, you can tell by the way I use my walk 263 00:12:04,181 --> 00:12:06,350 I'm a woman's man, no time to talk 264 00:12:06,433 --> 00:12:10,437 music loud, women warm been kicked around since I was born 265 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:12,565 well, it's all right it's okay 266 00:12:12,648 --> 00:12:14,775 you can look the other way 267 00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:17,695 Rose: Okay! Okay! 268 00:12:17,778 --> 00:12:18,779 (Vocalizing) 269 00:12:21,282 --> 00:12:23,200 All: Stayin' alive, stayin' alive 270 00:12:23,284 --> 00:12:26,162 yeah. Okay, you didn't maintain a hundred beats per minute. 271 00:12:26,245 --> 00:12:29,290 And the ambulance didn't arrive because nobody called 911. 272 00:12:29,373 --> 00:12:30,374 So you lost him. 273 00:12:30,457 --> 00:12:33,169 Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? 274 00:12:33,252 --> 00:12:35,254 Anybody? Rose? 275 00:12:35,379 --> 00:12:36,630 I have no idea. Anyone else? 276 00:12:36,672 --> 00:12:39,550 We Bury him. Wrong! Check for an organ donor card. 277 00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:41,594 If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest. 278 00:12:41,677 --> 00:12:42,757 He has no wallet, ichecked. 279 00:12:42,803 --> 00:12:44,346 He is? He is an organ donor. 280 00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:46,682 Get me some ice and styrofoam bucket. 281 00:12:46,765 --> 00:12:48,142 Here we go. 282 00:12:48,225 --> 00:12:49,810 Angela: Oh, my god! Kelly: Dwight! 283 00:12:49,935 --> 00:12:51,020 Dwight! 284 00:12:51,103 --> 00:12:52,330 (Dwight screaming) Kelly: Dwight, what are you... 285 00:12:52,354 --> 00:12:53,397 What are you doing? 286 00:12:53,480 --> 00:12:56,233 We search for the organs. Where's the heart? The precious heart. 287 00:12:56,317 --> 00:12:58,402 I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down. 288 00:12:58,485 --> 00:13:00,070 Stanley. 289 00:13:00,154 --> 00:13:01,947 Hey, Stanley. Stanley. 290 00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:03,115 Are you okay? 291 00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:05,451 (Dwight making licking sounds) Oh, my god! 292 00:13:05,534 --> 00:13:06,577 Stanley: Oh, my god! 293 00:13:06,660 --> 00:13:08,495 Dwight! Clarice. 294 00:13:08,579 --> 00:13:10,080 Stanley: Oh, my god. 295 00:13:10,164 --> 00:13:13,918 Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy? 296 00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:16,003 I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie, 297 00:13:16,086 --> 00:13:18,547 and it turns out it's pretty realistic. 298 00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:21,592 We had to pay for it. It cost us $3,500. 299 00:13:21,675 --> 00:13:24,929 $5,300 for a dummy? Wow. 300 00:13:25,012 --> 00:13:26,764 Well, okay, look. 301 00:13:26,847 --> 00:13:30,142 David, this is why we have training. 302 00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:33,687 We start with the dummy and we learn from our mistakes. 303 00:13:33,771 --> 00:13:37,608 And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person. 304 00:13:44,740 --> 00:13:47,952 Hope you brought your apetitos, my lady, my tuna. 305 00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:51,080 A little movie popcorn. 306 00:13:54,416 --> 00:13:55,918 Damn it. 307 00:13:56,085 --> 00:13:58,128 This movie, a lot of buzz. 308 00:13:58,212 --> 00:14:00,673 Not coming out for another six months. 309 00:14:00,756 --> 00:14:03,342 Mrs. Albert hanaday. 310 00:14:03,425 --> 00:14:06,887 So the friendship with the nard-dog has its privileges. 311 00:14:08,305 --> 00:14:10,557 We don't normally download films illegally 312 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:12,935 because we're honest, hard-working people. 313 00:14:13,018 --> 00:14:14,353 And we don't know how. 314 00:14:14,436 --> 00:14:16,814 But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him. 315 00:14:16,897 --> 00:14:18,941 Punishment fits the crime. 316 00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:25,948 I want you to meet my Nana. Nana, this is Sam. 317 00:14:26,490 --> 00:14:29,618 Hi. Nice to meet you, Mrs. Hanaday. 318 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,495 Please, call me Lily. 319 00:14:39,753 --> 00:14:42,923 Let's play bridge. You can be my partner. 320 00:14:44,258 --> 00:14:46,635 All right, Lily. 321 00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:54,601 (Cell phone beeps) 322 00:14:58,272 --> 00:14:59,315 (Sighs) 323 00:14:59,398 --> 00:15:00,441 What's going on? 324 00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:03,128 No one really knows, but Pam's parents are going through 325 00:15:03,152 --> 00:15:05,195 a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage. 326 00:15:05,279 --> 00:15:08,032 My dad spent the night at our place last night. 327 00:15:08,115 --> 00:15:11,869 My parents have been fighting for weeks and it kind of sucks. 328 00:15:11,952 --> 00:15:13,329 Jim's been great. 329 00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:17,291 But I'm going to need to buy my dad a robe. 330 00:15:17,624 --> 00:15:19,418 He's not saying what he needs to say. 331 00:15:21,253 --> 00:15:23,589 Who? Jack black? 332 00:15:23,672 --> 00:15:24,882 Yeah. 333 00:15:26,175 --> 00:15:28,552 I mean, they just need to communicate, you know. 334 00:15:28,635 --> 00:15:32,681 If they said to each other what they're saying to everyone else, then... 335 00:15:35,476 --> 00:15:36,643 Hmm. 336 00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:40,981 Jim and Pam are like movie geniuses. 337 00:15:42,232 --> 00:15:45,819 They're catching things that are totally going over my head. 338 00:15:46,820 --> 00:15:48,364 Hi, everyone. 339 00:15:48,447 --> 00:15:51,617 Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. 340 00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:54,411 They are very, very upset with him. 341 00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:57,039 So, as a disciplinary measure, 342 00:15:57,998 --> 00:16:01,794 he is going to have to issue a formal apology. 343 00:16:01,877 --> 00:16:06,090 Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret? 344 00:16:06,173 --> 00:16:08,092 I have. Lets hearit 345 00:16:10,177 --> 00:16:11,804 (clears throat) 346 00:16:12,304 --> 00:16:13,972 I state my regret. 347 00:16:16,183 --> 00:16:17,768 You couldn't have memorized that? 348 00:16:17,851 --> 00:16:19,436 I could not because I do not feel it. 349 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:20,830 Okay, everyone, I'm going to need you 350 00:16:20,854 --> 00:16:22,731 to sign this statement of regret 351 00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,775 as an acknowledgment that you heard it. 352 00:16:24,858 --> 00:16:26,944 Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal. 353 00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:29,405 It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley. 354 00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:32,241 Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years 355 00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:34,201 and forced him not to exercise. 356 00:16:34,284 --> 00:16:35,744 Now take a lesson from Stanley 357 00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:38,288 and jog on up here and sign this. Okay? 358 00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:41,542 Make a line. Just form a line right here. 359 00:16:42,918 --> 00:16:45,671 Sign it! Sign it now! 360 00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:48,674 (Telephone rings) 361 00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:51,593 Hi, dad. 362 00:16:51,677 --> 00:16:53,303 Yeah, Jim has shaving cream. 363 00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:54,763 Check our bathroom. 364 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,141 Sam: Lily? 365 00:16:57,808 --> 00:16:59,226 I'm in here. 366 00:17:04,231 --> 00:17:07,192 I... I'm sorry. I didn't 367 00:17:09,069 --> 00:17:11,280 realize you were in the bath. 368 00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,743 Do you want me to go? 369 00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:19,913 I want you to stay. 370 00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:31,341 Oh, boy. 371 00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:32,843 Oh, man. 372 00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:36,597 You know, Lily was supposed to be Nicole Kidman. 373 00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:40,267 And it was going to be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. 374 00:17:40,350 --> 00:17:41,935 But then Nicole Kidman dropped out, 375 00:17:42,019 --> 00:17:44,688 so they went with cloris leachman, 376 00:17:44,771 --> 00:17:46,583 with a small rewrite. Sam: Just give me your hand 377 00:17:46,607 --> 00:17:47,774 and get that in there. 378 00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:49,860 Help me pull it around. 379 00:17:49,943 --> 00:17:51,528 Oh, yeah. You did that one already. 380 00:17:51,612 --> 00:17:53,489 I know, but if! Get it deeper... 381 00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:54,907 What is... 382 00:18:00,370 --> 00:18:02,956 He was pretty talkative at breakfast. 383 00:18:03,457 --> 00:18:04,875 What? 384 00:18:07,127 --> 00:18:08,462 Breakfast? 385 00:18:09,296 --> 00:18:11,840 You mean when they were eating soup? 386 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,051 I don't think that was breakfast. 387 00:18:14,134 --> 00:18:17,387 Unless soup... does soup symbolize breakfast? 388 00:18:17,471 --> 00:18:18,823 So he doesn't share with his daughter, 389 00:18:18,847 --> 00:18:21,058 but he shares with his daughter's fiance? 390 00:18:21,141 --> 00:18:23,310 You guys, they're making out. 391 00:18:26,271 --> 00:18:27,606 Hey. Hey. 392 00:18:28,482 --> 00:18:30,692 Did my dad say anything about my mom? 393 00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:33,695 No. We mostlyjust talked about cereal. 394 00:18:36,657 --> 00:18:37,866 What? 395 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,409 I don't know. 396 00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:42,079 I mean, maybe he'll talk to you about some of the stuff 397 00:18:42,162 --> 00:18:44,790 'cause he can't really talk to me about it. 398 00:18:44,873 --> 00:18:47,751 Mmm... you're good to talk to. 399 00:18:48,502 --> 00:18:52,256 I'm okay. I'm not great. And... 400 00:18:57,844 --> 00:18:59,388 (Chanting in sanskrit) 401 00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:04,059 Everybody sit on the floor, Indian-style like me. 402 00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:07,604 My god, if you're wearing a dress, 403 00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:09,969 please keep your knees together, nobody wants to see that. 404 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,445 My goal is to make this office as peaceful 405 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:18,031 a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. 406 00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:22,202 And I think sounds have a lot to do with that. 407 00:19:22,286 --> 00:19:25,080 Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. 408 00:19:25,163 --> 00:19:27,708 (Serene instrumental music playing) 409 00:19:29,209 --> 00:19:31,545 (Sad instrumental music playing) 410 00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:33,880 That one makes me think 411 00:19:34,881 --> 00:19:36,133 of death. 412 00:19:39,344 --> 00:19:40,721 It's kind of nice. 413 00:19:40,929 --> 00:19:45,892 Michael: It is a beautiful, sunny day 414 00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:49,229 as we walk through the Meadow. 415 00:19:49,896 --> 00:19:54,151 That is very spiritual and relaxing. 416 00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:58,614 And there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. 417 00:19:58,697 --> 00:20:02,367 (Whispering) Now, up ahead, a castle in the distance. 418 00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:04,536 Don't open your eyes. What? Oh. 419 00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:08,915 And you walk up toward the castle. 420 00:20:08,999 --> 00:20:15,005 And inside the castle are four men, 421 00:20:15,088 --> 00:20:16,465 and each of them... 422 00:20:16,548 --> 00:20:18,675 None of them have shoes. 423 00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:20,636 And they give you a funny cigarette 424 00:20:20,719 --> 00:20:23,055 and you feel even more relaxed, 425 00:20:23,138 --> 00:20:26,183 and then you want ice cream. 426 00:20:26,266 --> 00:20:28,018 You want a big bowl of ice cream. 427 00:20:28,101 --> 00:20:30,038 So what kind of ice cream do you want? Yell it out. 428 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,062 Chunky monkey. 429 00:20:31,104 --> 00:20:32,814 Too expensive. Chocolate. 430 00:20:32,898 --> 00:20:34,274 Racism is dead, Stanley. 431 00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:36,818 You can have any kind of ice cream you want. 432 00:20:36,943 --> 00:20:38,528 (Beeping) What do you want? 433 00:20:38,612 --> 00:20:40,572 What is that? People, please, 434 00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:42,282 I told you to get rid of the cell phones. 435 00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:44,785 It's my bio-feedback machine. 436 00:20:44,868 --> 00:20:47,871 Oh, okay. What is that, like a video game? 437 00:20:47,954 --> 00:20:52,459 It alerts me when my stress level goes up, so I can try to calm down. 438 00:20:52,542 --> 00:20:53,877 You have stress? 439 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:55,128 Yes. 440 00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:57,381 During our relaxation exercise? 441 00:20:57,464 --> 00:20:58,608 Phyllis: Let me get you some water. 442 00:20:58,632 --> 00:21:00,151 No, no, I'll help you up. I'll help you up. 443 00:21:00,175 --> 00:21:01,361 Here we go. Here we go. Let me get you up. 444 00:21:01,385 --> 00:21:02,719 No, Michael. Would you step back? 445 00:21:02,803 --> 00:21:03,803 (Beeping rapidly) 446 00:21:03,845 --> 00:21:04,947 Please, please. Okay. All right. 447 00:21:04,971 --> 00:21:06,973 A little further. Michael: Okay. 448 00:21:07,808 --> 00:21:08,809 (Beeping slows down) 449 00:21:08,892 --> 00:21:10,394 That's better. 450 00:21:10,477 --> 00:21:11,770 (Beeping stops) 451 00:21:15,148 --> 00:21:16,233 (Beeping starts) 452 00:21:17,484 --> 00:21:18,694 (Beeping rapidly) 453 00:21:19,194 --> 00:21:20,320 Okay. 454 00:21:20,862 --> 00:21:21,905 (Beeping slows down) 455 00:21:21,988 --> 00:21:23,865 I think that thing is on the Fritz. 456 00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:24,991 (Beeping stops) 457 00:21:25,992 --> 00:21:28,829 Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? 458 00:21:28,912 --> 00:21:32,332 That's what he said. Right, guys? Because of gay. 459 00:21:34,459 --> 00:21:36,336 Let's give this a shot. 460 00:21:37,129 --> 00:21:38,255 Hello! 461 00:21:38,338 --> 00:21:39,673 (Beeping rapidly) 462 00:21:42,175 --> 00:21:45,512 Michael, I think you're what's stressing everybody out. 463 00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:50,517 So it wasn't Dwight after all. 464 00:21:50,600 --> 00:21:52,519 Looks like I'm the killer. 465 00:21:53,019 --> 00:21:54,855 You never expect that you're the killer. 466 00:21:54,938 --> 00:21:58,859 It's a great twist. Great twist. 467 00:22:02,237 --> 00:22:03,363 (Telephone rings) 468 00:22:04,656 --> 00:22:06,783 Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. 469 00:22:07,242 --> 00:22:11,121 Oh. Hey, mom. No. 470 00:22:13,248 --> 00:22:14,875 What did dad say? 471 00:22:15,292 --> 00:22:16,376 (Door opens) 472 00:22:17,878 --> 00:22:19,296 What did you say to my dad? 473 00:22:19,379 --> 00:22:20,380 What? 474 00:22:20,464 --> 00:22:21,923 After you talked, he called my mom 475 00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:23,359 and said he was gonna look for an apartment. 476 00:22:23,383 --> 00:22:25,886 Oh, my god. Pam, I don't know. I... 477 00:22:27,095 --> 00:22:28,972 Nothing, truly nothing. 478 00:22:29,055 --> 00:22:31,224 I mean, I just was honest with him and I... 479 00:22:32,100 --> 00:22:35,937 I'm so sorry. I don't know. I'll call him again. 480 00:22:40,734 --> 00:22:43,320 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, 481 00:22:43,403 --> 00:22:46,948 so it was her parents or my parents. 482 00:22:50,494 --> 00:22:54,414 What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? 483 00:22:54,498 --> 00:22:57,918 And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me? 484 00:23:03,173 --> 00:23:04,716 Michael: I don't get it. 485 00:23:05,801 --> 00:23:07,219 Do I stress you out? 486 00:23:07,302 --> 00:23:09,221 Nothing stresses me out. 487 00:23:09,930 --> 00:23:13,683 Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. 488 00:23:13,767 --> 00:23:15,435 Speaking of which... 489 00:23:20,106 --> 00:23:23,026 Remember when people used to say "boss" 490 00:23:23,109 --> 00:23:26,696 when they were describing something that was really cool? 491 00:23:26,780 --> 00:23:31,326 Like, "those shoulder pads are really boss, man." 492 00:23:32,285 --> 00:23:35,121 "Look at that perm. That perm is so boss." 493 00:23:36,122 --> 00:23:38,834 It's what made me want to become a boss. 494 00:23:40,335 --> 00:23:43,505 And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. 495 00:23:43,880 --> 00:23:49,511 But now boss is just slang for "jerk in charge." 496 00:23:50,720 --> 00:23:53,723 Okay, everybody, I figured it out. 497 00:23:53,807 --> 00:23:57,102 The reason that you are all so stressed around me 498 00:23:57,185 --> 00:23:59,020 is that you are too intimidated 499 00:23:59,104 --> 00:24:02,023 to tell me what you really think. 500 00:24:02,107 --> 00:24:06,194 You are keeping these feelings inside and that is causing stress. 501 00:24:06,278 --> 00:24:07,863 So, what is the solution? 502 00:24:07,946 --> 00:24:12,075 Solution is honesty, laughter and comedy. 503 00:24:12,158 --> 00:24:13,869 In short... a vacation. 504 00:24:14,411 --> 00:24:20,333 What? No. No. I'm talking about a roast of Michael Scott. 505 00:24:21,209 --> 00:24:24,296 Come on. Who here has the comedy central roast channel? 506 00:24:24,379 --> 00:24:25,463 You've seen it, right? 507 00:24:25,547 --> 00:24:29,634 Everybody gets together and you start hurling insults at the one guy, 508 00:24:29,718 --> 00:24:33,430 and everybody's laughing and everybody is hugging each other. 509 00:24:33,513 --> 00:24:35,932 Michael, are you serious? Do you really want us to roast you? 510 00:24:36,016 --> 00:24:37,058 (In Spanish) 511 00:24:37,142 --> 00:24:38,852 That's offensive. It's not! 512 00:24:38,935 --> 00:24:42,105 It's not offensive during a roast. Anything goes. 513 00:24:42,188 --> 00:24:44,188 And I want you guys to really get cracking on this. 514 00:24:44,232 --> 00:24:47,110 I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. 515 00:24:47,193 --> 00:24:50,947 I want you to really make fun of anything about me. 516 00:24:51,031 --> 00:24:54,159 It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, 517 00:24:54,242 --> 00:24:57,746 or I'm a womanizer, fair game. Whatever. 518 00:24:57,829 --> 00:24:59,623 I don't want to write your stuff for you, 519 00:24:59,706 --> 00:25:01,333 but I just want it to be good. 520 00:25:01,416 --> 00:25:06,463 (Giggling) Oh, my god. Oh, man. Oh, my god. 521 00:25:06,546 --> 00:25:08,882 I consider myself a good person, 522 00:25:09,466 --> 00:25:11,343 but I'm gonna try to make him cry. 523 00:25:13,887 --> 00:25:16,640 Michael: I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. 524 00:25:16,723 --> 00:25:20,226 I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. 525 00:25:20,310 --> 00:25:25,231 I've got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this. 526 00:25:29,903 --> 00:25:31,464 May I have your attention, please? Sign in. 527 00:25:31,488 --> 00:25:34,741 Sign in on the sign-in sheet, the clipboard. 528 00:25:34,824 --> 00:25:35,864 This meeting is mandatory, 529 00:25:35,909 --> 00:25:38,870 if you do not sign in, your name will not be counted. 530 00:25:38,954 --> 00:25:40,205 Thank you. 531 00:25:40,288 --> 00:25:42,707 Hey, this is your apology letter. 532 00:25:44,000 --> 00:25:45,585 It was the last signature ineeded. 533 00:25:46,002 --> 00:25:47,087 (Clapping) 534 00:25:47,170 --> 00:25:48,338 (Whooping) 535 00:25:48,421 --> 00:25:50,465 Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome! 536 00:25:50,548 --> 00:25:52,217 You are all jerks. 537 00:25:53,551 --> 00:25:56,012 Just kidding. Not yet, anyway. 538 00:25:56,096 --> 00:25:59,057 Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. 539 00:25:59,140 --> 00:26:01,059 If you are here for the grabowski wedding, 540 00:26:01,142 --> 00:26:03,812 it is the second door on the left. 541 00:26:04,145 --> 00:26:06,022 So, we all know how these work. 542 00:26:06,106 --> 00:26:09,067 It needs to get crazy. Take your best shot. 543 00:26:09,150 --> 00:26:11,236 I'm going to sit right over chair. 544 00:26:11,903 --> 00:26:16,783 And whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. Okay. 545 00:26:19,285 --> 00:26:21,538 Lower the Mike for the midget. 546 00:26:23,665 --> 00:26:26,418 If you ever wondered whether you were Michael Scott, 547 00:26:26,501 --> 00:26:28,753 here's a quiz to help. 548 00:26:28,837 --> 00:26:32,924 If you ever put sun block on a window, you might be Michael Scott. 549 00:26:33,216 --> 00:26:34,467 (All laugh) 550 00:26:35,093 --> 00:26:37,971 I normally don't enjoy making people laugh. 551 00:26:39,389 --> 00:26:41,391 If you ever called the fire department 552 00:26:41,474 --> 00:26:44,477 because your head was stuck in your chair, you might be... 553 00:26:44,602 --> 00:26:46,146 All: Michael Scott. 554 00:26:46,229 --> 00:26:47,397 (Laughing) 555 00:26:47,480 --> 00:26:48,648 (Clapping) 556 00:26:49,983 --> 00:26:51,443 Hey, hey. 557 00:26:51,526 --> 00:26:54,070 I don't go make burgers where you work 558 00:26:54,154 --> 00:26:56,197 and then tell you how to make burgers. 559 00:26:57,657 --> 00:27:00,243 I have made a list of people that I would make out with 560 00:27:00,326 --> 00:27:02,620 before I would make out with Michael Scott. 561 00:27:02,704 --> 00:27:06,541 A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse. 562 00:27:06,708 --> 00:27:07,709 (Onhoomng) Yeah! 563 00:27:07,792 --> 00:27:13,423 A wood chipper, Kevin, a candle and lord Voldemort. 564 00:27:13,548 --> 00:27:14,841 Anyway, happy birthday, Michael. 565 00:27:14,883 --> 00:27:15,925 Yeah. 566 00:27:16,009 --> 00:27:18,595 (Clapping) You'd be so lucky. Good one. 567 00:27:19,012 --> 00:27:22,849 Michael, you ran over me with your car. 568 00:27:23,016 --> 00:27:24,434 (Hits drums) 569 00:27:25,060 --> 00:27:29,105 You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board 570 00:27:29,189 --> 00:27:31,399 with a caption that said, "gross." 571 00:27:31,483 --> 00:27:32,484 Well... 572 00:27:32,567 --> 00:27:35,612 Michael, you are the reason I drink. 573 00:27:35,695 --> 00:27:38,239 You are the reason I live to forget. 574 00:27:41,284 --> 00:27:42,410 (Imitates gunshots) 575 00:27:42,702 --> 00:27:47,040 (Yelling in Spanish) 576 00:27:47,832 --> 00:27:51,544 No, no, friends only. Friends only! 577 00:27:54,047 --> 00:27:56,216 Several times a day, Michael says words 578 00:27:56,299 --> 00:27:58,593 that are way beyond my vocabulary. 579 00:27:58,676 --> 00:27:59,761 I know where this is going. 580 00:27:59,844 --> 00:28:00,845 Do you? 581 00:28:00,929 --> 00:28:02,680 Okay. Remember spider face? 582 00:28:03,890 --> 00:28:05,141 Okay, because the quote was, 583 00:28:05,225 --> 00:28:07,310 "cut off your nose to spider face." 584 00:28:07,393 --> 00:28:08,394 Spider... okay. 585 00:28:08,478 --> 00:28:09,479 (Audience laughing) 586 00:28:09,562 --> 00:28:11,147 Yeah, yeah. 587 00:28:12,107 --> 00:28:13,375 How dare you all attack him like this? 588 00:28:13,399 --> 00:28:14,400 No, stop it. 589 00:28:14,526 --> 00:28:16,545 Michael is your superior, okay? Dwight. No, no, no, no. 590 00:28:16,569 --> 00:28:18,404 You should be bowing down in front of him. 591 00:28:18,488 --> 00:28:19,697 Hey, hey. Right now. Okay? 592 00:28:19,823 --> 00:28:21,342 They don't understand who they have. That is the way 593 00:28:21,366 --> 00:28:23,052 you're supposed to do it, idiot. You're interrupting me. 594 00:28:23,076 --> 00:28:24,970 I'm trying to get your back. I'm trying to... idiot, idiot. 595 00:28:24,994 --> 00:28:26,663 Idiot. Are you calling me an idiot? 596 00:28:26,746 --> 00:28:28,498 Don't you ever talk to me that way, 597 00:28:28,581 --> 00:28:30,416 you pathetic short little man. 598 00:28:30,500 --> 00:28:33,878 You don't have any friends or any family or any land! 599 00:28:36,172 --> 00:28:38,091 Yeah! Man: Yeah! 600 00:28:38,174 --> 00:28:39,342 (All applauding) 601 00:28:39,425 --> 00:28:41,237 Well, I just want to take a minute to talk to you all 602 00:28:41,261 --> 00:28:42,804 about something very serious. 603 00:28:42,887 --> 00:28:47,016 Once every hour, someone is involved in an Internet scam. 604 00:28:47,934 --> 00:28:49,352 That man is Michael Scott. 605 00:28:49,435 --> 00:28:50,478 (Audience laughs) 606 00:28:50,562 --> 00:28:52,647 He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses. 607 00:28:52,730 --> 00:28:56,651 Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring, right? 608 00:28:57,485 --> 00:29:00,530 Well, you know, Michael is a great delegator. 609 00:29:00,613 --> 00:29:02,490 He never does any work himself, ever. 610 00:29:04,868 --> 00:29:09,497 And one time I walked in on him naked and his thing is so small. 611 00:29:09,581 --> 00:29:10,582 (All whooping) 612 00:29:10,665 --> 00:29:12,375 Kevin: How small is it? 613 00:29:12,458 --> 00:29:14,460 If it were an iPod, it would be a shuffle. 614 00:29:14,544 --> 00:29:15,753 (All exclaiming) 615 00:29:16,337 --> 00:29:18,298 All right, can I make just a little announcement? 616 00:29:18,381 --> 00:29:21,551 In a professional roast, usually the roaster 617 00:29:21,634 --> 00:29:24,679 will say something nice about the roastee after they're done. 618 00:29:24,762 --> 00:29:29,058 Something about how much they love them, so just keep that in mind. 619 00:29:29,142 --> 00:29:30,977 Mike claims we 're all a family. 620 00:29:31,102 --> 00:29:32,621 You know what... we are. We are a family. 621 00:29:32,645 --> 00:29:36,065 Okay, so, what's his name? 622 00:29:36,149 --> 00:29:37,525 All the way in the back there. 623 00:29:37,609 --> 00:29:39,235 Oh, very funny. 624 00:29:39,319 --> 00:29:40,653 What's his name? 625 00:29:41,821 --> 00:29:42,906 (Chuckles) 626 00:29:42,989 --> 00:29:44,741 I'm thinking Roy. 627 00:29:44,824 --> 00:29:47,452 Roy left years ago. What's his name? 628 00:29:47,535 --> 00:29:49,495 I don't believe I've had the pleasure. 629 00:29:49,579 --> 00:29:51,414 Michael, I gave you a ride home last week 630 00:29:51,497 --> 00:29:53,917 and we spent an hour in traffic. 631 00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:55,919 What's his name? Jefferson. 632 00:29:56,002 --> 00:29:58,755 Nope. His name is Michael. 633 00:30:03,927 --> 00:30:06,012 (Playing upbeat rock music) 634 00:30:07,263 --> 00:30:08,598 (Audience clapping along) 635 00:30:08,681 --> 00:30:11,434 (Singing) What I hate about you 636 00:30:11,517 --> 00:30:13,353 you really suck as a boss 637 00:30:15,355 --> 00:30:19,400 you're the laziest, jerkiest and you're dumber than an apple sauce 638 00:30:21,444 --> 00:30:23,988 we're stuck listening to you all day 639 00:30:24,072 --> 00:30:26,783 Stanley tried to die just to get away 640 00:30:26,866 --> 00:30:28,368 well, it's true 641 00:30:29,035 --> 00:30:31,162 that's what I hate about you 642 00:30:31,955 --> 00:30:34,082 that's what I hate about you 643 00:30:37,043 --> 00:30:38,044 (audience applauding) 644 00:30:38,127 --> 00:30:40,129 (Andy vocal/zing) 645 00:30:43,883 --> 00:30:44,968 Yeah! 646 00:30:47,136 --> 00:30:52,725 And now a man who deserves no introduction, Michael Scott. 647 00:30:53,351 --> 00:30:55,019 (Scattered booing) 648 00:30:56,312 --> 00:30:59,983 Thank you very much. Thank you. That was great. 649 00:31:00,066 --> 00:31:02,277 Great job, some great laughs. 650 00:31:03,695 --> 00:31:07,865 Really, really went after my intelligence there. 651 00:31:08,908 --> 00:31:09,909 (Clears throat) 652 00:31:09,993 --> 00:31:13,371 Dozens of online IQ tests might prove you wrong, but... 653 00:31:14,872 --> 00:31:20,712 And my thing isn't tiny, it's average, so get your facts straight. 654 00:31:22,463 --> 00:31:24,007 (Clears throat) 655 00:31:24,090 --> 00:31:29,262 So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought... 656 00:31:29,429 --> 00:31:30,430 (Grunts) 657 00:31:30,513 --> 00:31:33,599 Sorry. I think I have a frog in my throat. 658 00:31:37,478 --> 00:31:38,563 (Sighs) 659 00:31:38,646 --> 00:31:42,608 I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people. 660 00:31:47,530 --> 00:31:50,283 First up, Phyllis and Kevin. 661 00:31:54,078 --> 00:31:55,955 (Sighing) 662 00:32:17,143 --> 00:32:18,311 (Telephone rings) 663 00:32:18,978 --> 00:32:21,230 Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. 664 00:32:21,314 --> 00:32:23,358 I'm sorry, Michael's not here right now. 665 00:32:23,441 --> 00:32:25,151 Can I take a message? 666 00:32:26,569 --> 00:32:28,446 Great. I will. Thanks. 667 00:32:32,950 --> 00:32:35,661 It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. 668 00:32:35,745 --> 00:32:37,914 My guess, he's either deeply depressed 669 00:32:37,997 --> 00:32:42,001 or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. 670 00:32:42,085 --> 00:32:45,296 He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them 671 00:32:45,380 --> 00:32:46,589 and staring up at them. 672 00:32:46,672 --> 00:32:48,716 And I always say, "Michael, take two steps back 673 00:32:48,800 --> 00:32:50,510 "and stare at the icicle from the side." 674 00:32:50,593 --> 00:32:52,313 And he's like, "no, I like the way they look 675 00:32:52,387 --> 00:32:55,598 "from standing directly underneath them." 676 00:32:55,681 --> 00:32:57,892 It was only a matter of time. 677 00:32:58,184 --> 00:33:00,478 Michael is so dumb 678 00:33:00,561 --> 00:33:04,732 that he tries to put his M&M's in alphabetical order. 679 00:33:04,816 --> 00:33:05,816 (Laughs) 680 00:33:05,858 --> 00:33:08,569 All right, Kevin, enough with the Michael jokes. 681 00:33:08,653 --> 00:33:10,130 I think he got it bad enough yesterday. 682 00:33:10,154 --> 00:33:11,447 I'm almost done. 683 00:33:11,531 --> 00:33:13,699 That reeks and I'm trying to eat. 684 00:33:13,783 --> 00:33:16,077 Attention, everyone, I've just got a text from Michael. 685 00:33:16,160 --> 00:33:18,579 He says "personnel day." Are we hiring? 686 00:33:18,663 --> 00:33:20,289 Yeah. You're being replaced. 687 00:33:20,373 --> 00:33:22,125 I think he meant personal day. 688 00:33:22,208 --> 00:33:23,519 I don't know. That's quite a leap, Pam. 689 00:33:23,543 --> 00:33:25,461 I hope he's okay. Ifeelbad. 690 00:33:25,545 --> 00:33:27,505 Give it up. He's dead. 691 00:33:27,588 --> 00:33:28,923 He just sent a text. 692 00:33:29,549 --> 00:33:31,050 What's a text? 693 00:33:41,727 --> 00:33:43,104 (Cawing) 694 00:33:51,571 --> 00:33:54,699 You know, sometimes to get perspective, 695 00:33:55,825 --> 00:33:59,662 I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away, 696 00:34:00,830 --> 00:34:02,874 and our problems don't matter to him 697 00:34:02,957 --> 00:34:05,710 because we're just a distant point of light. 698 00:34:07,086 --> 00:34:09,088 But he feels sorry for me 699 00:34:09,797 --> 00:34:12,258 because he has an incredibly powerful microscope 700 00:34:12,341 --> 00:34:14,260 and he can see my face. 701 00:34:17,597 --> 00:34:18,931 I'm okay. 702 00:34:21,642 --> 00:34:23,060 No, I'm not. 703 00:34:23,436 --> 00:34:25,062 Phyllis, there's a package for you. 704 00:34:28,149 --> 00:34:29,775 Okay. Sign here. 705 00:34:33,779 --> 00:34:34,947 What? 706 00:34:40,578 --> 00:34:41,787 Got it! 707 00:34:45,333 --> 00:34:48,044 Sam, Sam, Sam. 708 00:34:48,711 --> 00:34:51,672 It's not that you dumped my granddaughter, 709 00:34:51,756 --> 00:34:55,635 and it's not that you want children, it's that you lied to me. 710 00:34:55,718 --> 00:34:58,304 Can't you see that? Can't you see? 711 00:34:59,805 --> 00:35:01,182 I can never trust you. 712 00:35:01,265 --> 00:35:05,228 Lily, no. Lily. Lily, please. 713 00:35:06,562 --> 00:35:07,939 Lily, stop! 714 00:35:09,815 --> 00:35:13,444 I don't care how much time we have left. 715 00:35:13,528 --> 00:35:15,655 I don't care what my friends say. 716 00:35:16,197 --> 00:35:18,908 And I don't care what your mom thinks. 717 00:35:18,991 --> 00:35:22,286 Frankly, I'm pretty sure she's not making any sense. 718 00:35:23,663 --> 00:35:27,083 Please, move back to my apartment. 719 00:35:27,542 --> 00:35:29,168 (Restrained sob) 720 00:35:34,757 --> 00:35:41,013 Lily, I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. 721 00:35:42,765 --> 00:35:47,687 Lily, Lily! Push the reverse button! 722 00:35:48,521 --> 00:35:50,231 Reverse the button! 723 00:35:52,858 --> 00:35:53,985 (Sobbing) 724 00:35:54,902 --> 00:35:56,404 (Andy sobbing) 725 00:35:58,239 --> 00:36:01,617 Sam.sam. 726 00:36:03,119 --> 00:36:04,704 (Cell phone rings) 727 00:36:08,457 --> 00:36:12,211 Hey, dad. No, I know. Mom told me. 728 00:36:16,757 --> 00:36:19,594 Okay. Yeah, I'll see you then. 729 00:36:41,699 --> 00:36:45,578 So what did he say? Was it my fault? 730 00:36:47,079 --> 00:36:48,247 Yeah. 731 00:36:51,208 --> 00:36:54,253 He said that you told him how much you love me, 732 00:36:55,421 --> 00:36:58,341 about how you feel when I walk in a room 733 00:36:58,424 --> 00:37:02,011 and about how you've never doubted for a second 734 00:37:02,094 --> 00:37:06,098 that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. 735 00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:11,395 I guess he's never felt that with my mom, even at their best. 736 00:37:12,229 --> 00:37:14,065 You okay? 737 00:37:14,148 --> 00:37:15,316 Yeah. 738 00:37:15,691 --> 00:37:16,817 (Sniffling) 739 00:37:18,110 --> 00:37:21,489 When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soul mates. 740 00:37:21,572 --> 00:37:24,200 My kids are gonna be right about that. 741 00:37:25,201 --> 00:37:26,494 I guess it also means 742 00:37:26,577 --> 00:37:30,790 that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them. 743 00:37:34,835 --> 00:37:37,922 I'm not insightful enough to be a movie critic. 744 00:37:38,422 --> 00:37:40,883 Maybe I could be a food critic. 745 00:37:40,966 --> 00:37:42,968 These muffins taste bad. 746 00:37:43,719 --> 00:37:47,264 Or an art critic. That painting is bad. 747 00:37:49,141 --> 00:37:50,393 (Door opens) 748 00:37:50,476 --> 00:37:53,813 Michael, it's really good to see you. 749 00:37:54,605 --> 00:37:57,441 Hey, why are you wearing a turtleneck? 750 00:37:57,525 --> 00:37:58,567 You all right? 751 00:37:58,651 --> 00:38:00,491 Michael, I feel I was a little harsh yesterday. 752 00:38:00,528 --> 00:38:02,488 Yeah. Jim: Yeah, we're really sorry. 753 00:38:02,571 --> 00:38:06,659 I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons. 754 00:38:07,702 --> 00:38:10,788 I guess they all flew west for the winter. 755 00:38:10,871 --> 00:38:15,084 And I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people. 756 00:38:15,167 --> 00:38:16,544 What? Well, I wrote them down 757 00:38:16,627 --> 00:38:18,003 so I wouldn't forget. 758 00:38:18,921 --> 00:38:20,005 (Clears throat) 759 00:38:20,464 --> 00:38:24,343 Jim, you're 6'11" and you weigh 90 pounds. 760 00:38:24,427 --> 00:38:26,345 Gumby has a better body than you. 761 00:38:26,429 --> 00:38:28,055 Boom. Roasted. 762 00:38:28,139 --> 00:38:30,141 Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom. Roasted. 763 00:38:30,224 --> 00:38:33,018 Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. 764 00:38:33,102 --> 00:38:35,604 Meredith, you've slept with so many guys 765 00:38:35,688 --> 00:38:37,106 you're starting to look like one. 766 00:38:37,189 --> 00:38:38,232 Boom. Roasted. 767 00:38:38,315 --> 00:38:40,359 Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke 768 00:38:40,443 --> 00:38:41,902 and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. 769 00:38:41,986 --> 00:38:44,947 Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. 770 00:38:45,030 --> 00:38:46,949 Angela, where's Angela? 771 00:38:47,032 --> 00:38:48,033 Well, there you are. 772 00:38:48,117 --> 00:38:51,787 I didn't see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. 773 00:38:51,871 --> 00:38:54,290 Stanley, you crush your wife during sex 774 00:38:54,373 --> 00:38:56,041 and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. 775 00:38:56,125 --> 00:38:57,126 (Laughing) 776 00:38:57,209 --> 00:38:59,044 Michael: Oscar, you are... 777 00:39:00,880 --> 00:39:02,047 (Michael laughs) 778 00:39:02,715 --> 00:39:05,676 Oscar, you're gay. 779 00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:06,802 Wow. 780 00:39:06,886 --> 00:39:11,474 Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck and you're gayer than Oscar. 781 00:39:12,308 --> 00:39:13,309 Boom. Roasted. 782 00:39:13,392 --> 00:39:14,560 Kevin: Boom. Roasted. 783 00:39:14,643 --> 00:39:15,811 (Laughing heartily) 784 00:39:19,565 --> 00:39:20,858 (Laughs) 785 00:39:23,402 --> 00:39:27,156 All right. All right, everybody. You know I kid. 786 00:39:28,991 --> 00:39:30,534 You know I kid. 787 00:39:30,618 --> 00:39:34,455 You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. 788 00:39:34,538 --> 00:39:38,667 So, good night, god bless. God bless america. 789 00:39:38,751 --> 00:39:40,294 And get home safe. 790 00:39:40,377 --> 00:39:41,420 Yeah. 791 00:39:44,048 --> 00:39:46,175 They say that laughter is the best medicine, 792 00:39:46,258 --> 00:39:49,512 so, Stanley, you can throw away those pills. 793 00:39:49,595 --> 00:39:51,096 You are cured. 794 00:39:52,556 --> 00:39:55,810 Actually, better hold on to the pills, just in case. 795 00:40:04,276 --> 00:40:05,778 (Lily moaning)