[dainty dance music playing]
[playful orchestral theme playing]
-Come, bear.
It'’s a new day for us and for Russia.
[clapping]
ARCHIE: Bravo!
Bravo!
The victor.
-We'’ve been looking for you.
-No doubt, the patriarch is essential
in all of Russia'’s affairs.
I was in the forest communing with God.
-You mean hiding.
-In my communication with God,
He told me I have to play my part in your reign.
-He did? And I always thought He was infallible.
-Now I suppose having not thought things through properly,
you'’ve probably resolved to kill me.
-Orlo'’s plan is to stab 60 holes in you
and then something involving salt, honey, and ants.
-Well, some of that I would enjoy.
-I'’m happy just to simply cut your throat, but I promised him.
I'’ll let the guards know where to find you.
-Let us ponder your situation.
You are to be consecrated today before the court and God.
-That is the plan.
I find it exciting just hearing it out loud.
-The Russian church is everything in Russia.
There is one Church, one God, one patriarch.
The people listen to the Church across this land.
Its rule is iron.
Its word is trusted in a way the emperor'’s is not.
The Church lives in people'’s hearts.
-As fear. -And love.
It'’s a powerful combination.
So, my question is: are you really going to be consecrated
with the blood of the patriarch on your hand?
-I'’ll wash.
-And who would you replace me with?
-I'’ll find someone. -Who?
I'’m the most progressive cleric on the synod.
Here I am chatting with a woman,
respecting and applauding her taking of power.
It'’s not the general consensus.
-Good God. -Indeed, He is.
Indeed, He is.
Now, I have sent two sermons
to every regional bishop in the land.
"A" is saying that you are God'’s choice.
"B" is saying that you are a German devil
who has stolen our country
and wishes to render us all dead, or Lutheran,
and is intent on burning Russia to the ground.
I then call on all Russians in quite a moving way
to rise up as one and destroy you and your rule.
Burn your bones, spread the ashes on the wind,
et cetera.
If I die, they read "B,"
I don'’t, they read "A,"
and we all have cake and champagne after consecration.
-Right.
-It'’s a joy to finally have someone smart on the throne
who sees reason.
-You'’re right, I have no one to replace you with.
Yet.
But when I do, I will kill you.
-I will relish each day more, knowing it could be my last.
All I ask is to put my case until God decides to take me.
-Which will be when I decide to send you.
-Congratulations again.
MAN: Uh, s-- sir-- -Just let me fucking do it.
[playing "Four Seasons" off-key]
Time? -8:15.
[sighs]
-[door opens] -Ah! Here you--
Oh, it'’s you. -Darling, hello.
I thought you might be sad, so I brought you a mouse.
-I don'’t want a fucking mouse. And why would I be sad?
-You... lost the empire.
I thought it might be sad for you.
-Not at all.
I have always been emperor, or emperor-to-be,
but I have never woken up just Peter.
I can do as I like. Who would I like to be?
No, what would I like to be
while I'’m unburdened by my office?
-How fascinating.
You are free to be free. Huzzah!
-Exactly. I am doing things, Aunt.
Improving, indulging my whims,
violin lessons, philosophy with Voltaire.
And learning Kung Fu,
an eastern fighting art I have long wondered on
and seems I have a natural proclivity for.
-I applaud it, but we must focus on one thing as well.
-[door opens] -Ah, my coronation suit.
Brilliant.
-You'’re going? -Of course.
It'’s important the court see me give it to her.
I can'’t let people think she took it from me.
-I see.
It is her I wish to speak of.
-Yes?
-Paul is wonderful, but he may die.
-[door closes] -Why would you say that?
Don'’t say that!
-Most women have many miscarriages.
I had seven. -Seven?
Hm, I only know about the wet one.
-Igor drowned and was a walking child.
A miscarriage is when the baby in you
does not make it and bleeds out of you.
-Oh, fuck.
That happens every month, doesn'’t it, with women?
Every month there is a dead baby, fuck.
That, that is tragic.
-No. Uh...
I cannot explain at length.
My point: if she does not carry your child, your blood,
we are nothing.
If she loves you, you will make more babies
and you will protect the family line.
This is a dynasty, and we must protect it.
You must make her love you.
-She does love me. She killed Leo and she kept me.
Evidence in.
-I fear she is only dimly aware of the fact of her love.
-This is my plan, Aunt.
She will soon realize
Russia is an old sow of a country that lays near dead
and heaving in a pile of mud,
impossible to move, and she has failed.
She will come to me, humbled, sad
and in need of my love and massive cock.
-Marvelous plan. -I know.
-A woman often likes to reshingle a man.
Ask her if, when she looks at you, she sees faulty bits.
Because if her eye is constantly drawn to them,
the whole building looks bad,
but if you replace those shingles,
she has nothing to do but admire the whole edifice.
-Hm. And want to fuck it.
-Exactly.
[knock on door]
-I shall receive my guest.
-Lady Marial, how lovely you look.
And how happy we are to have you returned.
-What is it, bitch?
-We left some things...
some art and some children'’s toys,
in a box in the back of the--
-I burnt them.
Slam that for me, will you?
[Tatyana scoffs]
[sighs]
[flies buzzing]
[drawer closes]
-[sighs] -[door opens]
-Oh.
Dearest Orlo.
Look where we are.
What a day.
What a day, what a day!
-Indeed. A dream.
Is it a dream? -Come here.
Let us remake Russia, my friend.
-Indeed.
Mm! [sighs]
It'’s a detailed statement of aims and actions
we should take in a methodical and precise way.
I have arranged it in sections.
-I have my list, but I shall read yours,
and no doubt, there is much crossover.
Oh, Orlo.
I feel giddy.
-[door bangs] -Huzzah!
Huzzah! Hu-fucking-zah!
Russia is ours!
I have a special vodka given to me by Peter the Great
on the day he made me a general.
-Which you have opened in advance.
-Uh, taste testing in case it'’s poisoned.
I lay my life before my empress.
CATHERINE: Mm. -Mm!
-[sighs] So, where shall we start?
-Our first daily agenda.
VELEMENTOV: Look how happy an agenda makes him.
Is that the fast-beating heart
of a bureaucrat unleashed I hear?
-It is. The school opens this morning.
-Huzzah! I shall be there.
ORLO: And this evening, your coronation. [chuckles]
So, the lay of the land is this.
Everyone expects you to last a year.
-I am safe until the baby is born.
He is my savior.
-Exactly. Until he is born and then he is a threat.
-Children seem endlessly problematic to me.
-So, we must act fast and show that I am a great leader,
indispensable, destined, and loved.
So, let us do some big things.
Free the serfs, outlaw violence, build a hundred art galleries,
open an academy of sciences,
drawing the greatest minds from Europe.
Dismantle the laws around women'’s rights,
build roads, ports,
open trade treaty discussions with the nations of Europe.
Raise taxes, lower mortality rates,
and make dancing and jokes
a prerequisite of every dinner.
Let us start with--
-With meeting the nobles.
-What?
-Ah, it is ritual.
They, they come from everywhere.
ARCHIE: God bless you. Welcome!
CATHERINE: Oh, there is a lot. Oh.
-Archie!
Fucker! In broad daylight.
VELEMENTOV: Guards, go and seize him.
-Oh, let us kill him slowly
until he realizes he'’s been abandoned by God.
-Relax, Orlo. Let'’s just behead him like civilized men.
-Wait! I have done a deal with him.
-What?
-He has a gun to my head.
I cannot walk into the coronation with a dead patriarch,
or he'’ll unleash chaos from the grave.
-R-right. Y-- I mean, y-you didn'’t want to discuss it first?
-It was clear what to do, so I did it.
-But we had a plan.
-We had Simkey to replace him with
and he died, and our plan with it.
-That'’s the problem, these old fuckers die.
It'’s celibacy, I blame.
It fucks '’em up.
-Thank you, Velementov.
-I really, really want to kill him.
My head is still soft in places
from that fucking Bible he dropped on my head.
-The Bible has damaged many heads in a myriad of ways.
We will kill him, Orlo, but not yet.
VELEMENTOV: Wily fucker, give him that.
-Time! SOLDIER: 8:35.
-She should be here for breakfast.
That is the agreement.
But she has a big day, so I will go to her.
Guards!
-You'’re not supposed to... leave.
-Door.
♪ ♪
Morning.
Orlo, out.
You too, Velementov, you fat traitorous fuck.
-What are you doing here? -Breakfast. This is our day.
Hello, Paul.
-I shall have him returned to quarters.
-Oh, do it yourself, fat boy.
-With pleasure and alacrity.
-Wh-what'’s alacrity?
-Speed! [straining]
-Hi-ya!
Oh, sh--
[Peter groaning]
CATHERINE: Enough!
I made a deal, I shall honor it.
-Empress? -It'’s fine. I will do this.
-What would my father say?
-My sentiments exactly.
CATHERINE: Velementov, just go.
-[Peter sighs]
I know it was supposed to be in my apartments,
but I realized what a busy day you would have,
and so I thought I'’d come to you.
It'’s thoughtful of me, I know.
Put it on the desk.
[Peter sighs]
Hmm.
Ah. Of course.
Mm.
Caviar and rosemary crepe?
-Lady Marial, another forgiven traitor. Look at you.
-I do look great in this dress.
I also had cantaloupes
and raspberries for breakfast, Orlo,
bathed in vanilla-scented cream,
and slept for nine glorious hours,
naked and wrapped in silken sheets.
-Unbelievable.
All our enemies are alive and having a lovely day.
-Oh, relax, Orlo. -Yes, relax, Orlo.
I saved her life.
I'’m the real hero here, and the prettiest.
-Agreed. You, you smell like vanilla.
-Drink it in, big boy.
-Oh. [mutters]
[sniffs]
Marvelous.
-That your list? -It is.
-Go fast, change much, my advice.
-I thought I'’d go fast.
You think I should? -Yes.
Once Paul'’s out, someone will try and kill you,
steal the baby and coup us both with it.
Here'’s a question I had:
if there'’s one thing you didn'’t like about me...
a tiny aspect, and there may not be, probably there isn'’t,
but if there is one thing I could change
about my relatively flawless self, what would it be?
-Your mercurial violence. -Really? Huh.
Father always thought that my best quality.
-Really? -Yeah. He'’d say,
"There'’s not much going on in there,
"but give him a knife and light his wick,
the boy has something."
-Reason and compassion can win
any argument better than violence.
-Well, you don'’t have to win an argument with someone
who has a slashed larynx as they struggle to make their point.
Not that I'’m saying that'’s good.
I'’m not. Just saying...
Hm. I'’ll work on that.
-How will you spend your days while I am making Russia better?
-You mean different. -I actually mean better.
-While you improve Russia, I shall improve myself.
-Mm. We both share lofty,
or possibly in your case, unattainable ambitions.
-Should we have sex?
-I'’d rather choke to death on this tiny chicken.
-That'’s a poor decision and does not augur well for Russia.
-You are forgiving. She betrayed you. -Saved her.
-It is a point of conjecture, but I am benevolent, it'’s true.
-I have fabrics for your gown for the coronation
and seamstresses standing by.
I was thinking this.
Very Versailles.
-It doesn'’t matter how I look, just what I do.
[both laughing]
PETER: Adorable.
-If you dress well, no one notices
what you do, just what you wear.
-Voltaire said that. -He did not.
-Maybe I said it then. I'’ve heard it before.
I am wearing a blue velvet, so let us not clash.
Must go. I have violin.
-He'’s coming?
PETER: Door! -[door opens]
CATHERINE: Peter!
You'’re not coming. You'’re under house arrest.
-Of course I'’m coming. I have to give you the throne.
-I took it. You did not give it.
-Yes, I did. Yes, I do.
Guards, come on, guard me.
-You'’re not coming!
-See you there! ORLO: The school.
It begins. You wish to be there, I imagine?
-Of course.
-I really need a decision on the style.
We only have four hours for them to make it.
-I don'’t know what I want. Something... special.
-Right. Not that specific, is it?
-The school. -Yes, let'’s go.
[indistinct conversation]
-Shouldn'’t they bow or something?
-They don'’t know it'’s you. They'’re from all over Russia.
You look like just a woman to them.
-Shall we greet the day?
You all right? -I didn'’t sleep.
I kept waiting for someone to come in and cut our throats.
-I don'’t think she will.
There'’s a proclamation of forgiveness,
amnesty, and reconciliation.
"We are all Russians," et cetera.
-It is a bad day.
-Maybe this won'’t be so bad for us.
I'’m optimistic.
-Cunt.
-Ah...
Ugh.
-They seem to have not read the proclamation.
-Fucking Belanova just spat in my face.
-A new dawn for all of us.
-She gave our apartment to Marial.
-Who burnt the children'’s teddys.
[all grunting]
-You need to read the proclamation, you fucks!
-Ah! Hello, friends. What a great day. Come.
Ah, Tarzinsky. -Dickhead.
[crowd gasping]
-Did he just call me a dickhead?
-I'’ll fucking go shoot him
and she can do what she will with me.
Just say the word.
-The word is widow. Jesus, Arkady.
-No, it'’s fine.
"Dickhead," merely a word,
like "cheese" or "low-flying bird."
Just words.
Arkady, come help me write this speech.
-I thought you were under house arrest.
-I am. And I'’m actually finding it
less restricting than I imagined.
-Ah, I thought I was late for the start.
Good they'’re not here yet. What a day!
-Well, you can'’t be late as you'’re empress.
We work on your time frame.
But this is it, I'’m afraid.
-One? -Alas.
I was going to punish whoever was late.
Make a statement.
Like my school in France did.
But then everyone was late, so I wasn'’t sure what to do.
And then no one came, and I realized,
oh, dear, no one'’s coming.
-Orlo, you put out the proclamation?
-Yes. Every apartment with female children in the palace
was invited to send their child
to the empress'’s new school for girls.
-Oh, right.
Marial, gather the mothers, I wish to speak to them.
Velementov, come with me.
Your soldiers are not guarding Peter well.
We must make a point.
Gentlemen, your job is to keep Peter in his quarters.
He is your prisoner. Do you understand that?
He cannot leave this wing.
He cannot walk unimpeded about court
ordering a salmon or a cock sucking,
do you understand?
He is not your emperor, he is your prisoner.
If you need to shoot him, do so.
In the leg ideally, but in the head if you must.
Hm? Understood?
-Is that true? -Now, do your jobs, men.
Do your fucking jobs.
So, Poland. CATHERINE: Poland?
VELEMENTOV: We can take it.
It'’s basically full of Russians waiting to be liberated.
-You want to start a war? -It'’ll be swift.
Territory that we lost decades ago will be returned to us.
Russia will become bigger, stronger,
and made whole once again.
-I'’m not starting a war the first day of my reign, Velementov.
-Well, which day then? I vaguely recall a deal
where you said you were not against war.
-When I find a war I see the point of,
we shall go in guns blazing.
-But Poland is not it.
Right. I felt it was a...
a, a big plan and might fit the bill for early victories.
-When I said only big plans, Velementov,
I meant mybig plans. -Ah. I see.
-Can you not just revel in your victory a bit longer?
Why this need for war? -It'’s, it'’s what I do.
-Instead you will be vigilant for threats to our great nation
and offer me your wisdom born of blood and pain.
-Doesn'’t seem like a real job.
-May I apologize, Orlo, for your injury?
Although you were trying to kill me.
The point is, your poisonous intent and murderous actions
do not diminish my fondness for you,
as I know Russia was in your heart.
-I wish a knife was in your heart.
-The Bible speaks much of forgiveness,
perhaps you should read on it.
-Well, it speaks much of killing too.
I might just read on that.
-Let us begin the charmoffensive.
-Number one!
-Empress, it is our honor to be here.
Um, we brought you a horse as a gift.
-Lovely. -As we know you love them.
ORLO: Anything else, Raskolvy?
-Um, simple thing, really.
Um, we'’re taxed heavily, and would like it lessened.
I want a complete reprieve in my taxes.
-I'’m not across the tax situation,
but as it is used to build Russia and her greatness,
it is a sacrifice I am happy for you to make.
Good day.
-Brilliantly handled.
-Don'’t suck up, Archie.
ORLO: Number two!
Ah, Count Nazakov.
VELEMENTOV: Nazakov.
-What did you do?!
What the fuck did you do, Velementov?
-Killed him. He'’s on the list, right, Orlo?
-What list?
-Oh, uh, we, we haven'’t discussed this.
Uh, I made a list, as there are people
who will never see our way and will work to destroy us.
We cannot leave them alive. -No, no, no!
This is not how I wish it to be.
We are creating a new Russia.
-Well, the road to the new Russia will need to be paved with the dead bodies
of some of the old or we will not get to the new Russia.
-Even yourcharm cannot win all battles.
-Oh, I disagree. -Shut up, Archie.
What message does this send?
-"Fuck you, we mean business."
-No!
Shit. We cannot carry him out there, murdered.
We just can'’t. -We'’ll drop him from a window.
He'’ll land, someone will find him and think it random.
-We don'’t need your help. You are not part of this.
-Of course.
I shall stay clear of the seamless working
of this new machinery of government.
-I have it. He attacked the empress,
shot me, Orlo killed him.
-I'’ll be a hero.
-It'’s not funny, Orlo. VELEMENTOV: It'’ll work.
CATHERINE: No one will believe-- -[gunshot]
ORLO AND CATHERINE: Oh!
-Guards! Help us!
[soldiers shouting]
-Hm. I look great.
So where are we up to?
-Ah.
"I give this freely of my own volition,
"an experiment, perhaps a whim for the good of my people.
Let us love Catherine as we do me."
-Love it.
"Dickhead."
You hear fucking Tarzinsky?
I mean, once he would'’ve been
fishing his balls out of the fountain,
his tongue from a hot pan,
and his feet from a hole in the forest.
But it'’s just words.
-You are very forgiving, Emperor.
-Mm. -Arkady, are you very forgiving?
-What do you mean, French cunt?
-Mm. You might need to be.
Your wife.
[speaking French]
-What did you say to her? -He'’s just teasing. [chuckles]
-I am French, she is beautiful.
It only stands to reason that I would like to
lick her slowly to yelping
and then slowly fuck her over a table.
-[laughs]
-[Peter snickers]
-I mean, that'’s just logic, Arkady. [laughs]
-I know youmight not mind other men fucking your wife--
-Rude fucker.
[Voltaire laughing]
-Oh!
-[Peter laughing] SVENSKA: Arkady!
PETER: Arkady, Grigor!
Jesus. Enough with the violence.
That'’s not an appropriate response to things said
of a funny but sexual nature.
CATHERINE: I got the message that you needed to see me.
I have no time. What is so urgent?
PETER: Mm?
Ah. Mm. It'’s for you.
-You can'’t give me a gift for couping you.
-Well, I can if I'’m the most generous chap you ever met.
Ponder that. -You can'’t come.
-Oh, you don'’t like it? -I like it.
I won Russia. I took it.
I will not have it that it looks like you gave it.
-I did give it. I gave up
because I was hungry and gave it up.
So, I did give it.
-Perhaps I should'’ve killed you. -Mm. But could not.
Ponder that. And then ponder this.
If you did, you would'’ve looked like you took it,
but then would'’ve been illegitimate
and everyone would'’ve lined up to stab you in the face a lot
and Russia would'’ve fallen into chaos and strife.
I actually have avoided a civil war for Russia. Huzzah!
I am a leader as I see all this and you do not.
-You'’re not coming.
-I'’m chosen by God. You were chosen by mail order.
Most of the court see you
as a grasping whore of a German who stole the throne.
-I-- What-- They do not.
-There'’s pockets of loyalists who may harm you and Paul.
You'’re my wife, Paul is my child.
I will protect that which I love. No matter what.
-I have a busy day running Russia,
the country I just took from you.
Goodbye.
[indistinct conversation]
You are all parents of young girls at court.
Indeed, I say you are all parents of the future of Russia.
And while you nourish your children
in their bodies with care and love,
we must do the same with their souls and minds.
I was educated and it is the thing
I am most grateful for every day.
For it has made me who I am.
I have a baby who will one day be born
and when I pluck it from the bloody floods,
I will want to feed that baby a variet--
-A wet nurse will do it. You do not do it yourself.
-I was speaking metaphorically.
-Metaphorically?
-It is a German word. -Ah.
-It is not a German word!
My point is, we feed on the great thinkers of Europe
and when we look up, we see the world differently
and that we are vibrant, fierce creatures
who can build a better Russia.
-Yeah.
-So, you will send them?
-Will we be shot if we don'’t?
-No, you won'’t be shot if you don'’t.
-Then no.
-Why not?
You want the best for them, do you not?
-Well, while our love and admiration for you is huge,
your unique nature is not something
we wish to replicate in our girls.
-It will make marrying them harder.
-What? -No one wants a fierce wife.
SVENSKA: Exactly.
And marrying well is everything.
-My father used to say,
if you know when it'’s time to shut your mouth
and when it'’s time to open your legs,
you will find a good match and your life be assured.
-[laughter] -[applause]
-So, in essence you just do not wish them to be me?
-There is only one you.
Hooray for the empress!
Hooray!
-Just shoot them. Seriously.
CATHERINE: I can'’t believe
they don'’t want better things for their daughters.
-They think better things come from better husbands.
On the coronation, as you could not decide,
I have three gowns being made.
-Oh, I found what I want.
Is this not marvelous?
-What? No!
No.
-It is bold, and very Russian.
-Yes, both those attributes being its problem.
It'’s what our grandmothers used to wear
before they were beaten to death
for wearing something so ugly.
-I like it. I will do it.
-You cannot.
Listen to your friend.
I saved your life once before, allow me to do it again.
-When you betrayed me. -Exactly.
Which got you standing here hours before your coronation
about to make a huge mistake.
-Make it happen.
-They will laugh you from the chamber.
You do not understand, to our eyes, this is...
a joke.
Catherine, please.
-Are you crying?
-If it will help, yes.
-I will do it my way. I feel it'’s right.
-And when they laugh in your stupid face?
-I will have them shot.
-[sighs] If only that were true.
[indistinct chatter]
-Are you praying? -Hm?
No. Uh, I dropped a ruble.
-Are you a Muslim?
-No. This is Russia, we'’re all Orthodox.
-Are you lying to me?
-Do not insult me, Empress.
If I were a Muslim, I would smell of rats and sin
and strange incense that I'’ve heard they burn.
The Russian church is all.
God bless you. God bless Russia.
God bless God.
Huzzah!
♪ ♪
-A gift of? -Six stallions.
Fast, handsome, and pliant with you in the saddle,
I have no doubt.
-An idea is taking hold.
-My region would like a port,
uh, and a million rubles in cash to throw a party in your honor.
-Great. Orlo, take care of that.
Next!
VELEMENTOV: Tarzinsky is next.
-Shit. Okay.
You should just be agreeable and get him out.
[door rattles]
[laughs]
-It is a jape, this blond strip
of a baby-bumped whore overthrew him?
-I did.
And you will speak with respect.
VELEMENTOV: Easy, Tarzinsky.
-You will send Velementov to Alaska
to take it from the Americans
so the sea otter trade can continue.
-I could take Alaska, actually.
-Step back, sir.
For you smell like a sea otter has died in your mouth.
-[laughs] That is the smell of Russia,
German bitch.
-Step back, sir!
If I could summarize my response to your request
as elegantly as possible...
Go die, you pig.
-[Tarzinsky scoffs]
VELEMENTOV: Really, Tarzinsky?
-[clicks tongue, urinating]
[urination continues]
-Velementov, shoot him.
-Seriously? -Very.
ARCHIE: Tarzinsky!
Kneel before me and atone for your sins
or feel the wrath of God upon your miserable soul, sir.
Now, show some respect to our empress
and then leave and sober up, sir.
-I have this, Archie.
-Indeed.
Tarzinsky, you heard me.
-Patriarch.
Gentlemen.
[coughs]
[doors open]
-I did not need you to step in.
Why is it everyone who comes in here,
"I want, I want, I want"?
Does anyone have something to offer Russia?
Fuck.
Selfish, grasping fucks!
And also...
I never fucked a horse!
I would like to do something of importance today.
I cannot get my hands around it.
ORLO: We could take a break.
-Are there Muslims in Russia?
-Not anymore.
Why? Did you see one?
MAN: I am interrupting.
Empress, if I may?
-No. Come through.
-Patriarch. An honor.
-Of course it is. Father...?
-I am Father Basil, in from the west.
-You have hay in your beard.
-You wanted to see me.
-I am Leo Voronsky'’s cousin.
-You are?
BASIL: He wrote me often of you.
His love was a river of such purity and light,
it took my breath away when I would read those words.
-I'’m sorry about...
BASIL: Do not judge yourself, he would not.
God will, but that is a long way off, I hope.
And I see you, and I know that God
will be happy with His creation.
You are lit from within.
Leo'’s letters.
I thought maybe you should have them.
They speak of you, but I suspect they will speak to you as well.
-Thank you.
♪ ♪
-Okay, shall we...
VELEMENTOV: We-- Yeah. [clears throat]
-[doors close] -[sobs]
♪ ♪
-Leo.
-And you fools just stand there?
I thought the new Russia was one
where we held each other in our joys and sorrows.
-[Catherine whimpering]
-Let it go.
It is a storm.
They will never stop coming, but pass through and away,
they always will.
-Thank you. -Have some malate.
-Do you have some dirt?
-In the pot.
So many nobles, you must be tired.
-[sniffles]
Peter wants to come to the coronation.
Can you explain to him why he cannot?
-It is a good idea for you.
-Uh, he should not. She took it.
He must be made an unpleasant memory at court.
-Orlo, so much racing blood now?
You might want to try fucking people
or running or some such.
-Why do you think Peter should come?
-If one has a party and all the guests can think about
is who is not there, whose party is it?
And what stories do those guests,
angry at the host, tell themselves about this ghost?
Dangerous ones, of course.
But as you wish.
-You are right, I think.
-Well, if women of our intelligence both think something right,
I suspect it is.
I will leave you to business.
-You wished to see me?
-Look at this.
If you squint, you can see a cat appear,
and if-if you slightly shake your head a bit,
more cats, and they appear to be dancing.
-Cats?
-Indeed.
Sit.
-What are you...
-I thought we should have a conversation.
-Clearly a conversation you don'’t wish me to leave abruptly.
-She has let you live, wisely.
-I'’m glad you think so.
-She has an optimism for our people and our nation,
and I very much wish to see her execute her vision unhindered.
But I sadly have a pessimistic view of human nature,
so I worry on you wandering free.
-I must do God'’s work.
-Oh, you may do that.
But if I sense there is a game at play against her,
I will know you'’re at the center of it.
-Killing a patriarch will unleash chaos.
-But a carriage accident, an arsenic biscuit,
a statue falling at the wrong moment.
I knew a man once who drowned in soup.
A myriad of unexplained tragic deaths
float before my eyes.
-I see.
-Is something stirring beneath your cassock, Archie?
-[softly] I like knives.
-Of course.
Do we understand each other?
-We do.
Mm, but a small aside.
You should really lead us. You have everything we need.
We cut her throat at the coronation,
put the crown on your head.
Simple, and fun for the crowd.
-It'’s talk like that which will get you killed.
-But not today. Today, I am safe.
-Ponder that we could all make a better Russia together.
-Indeed.
A day for optimism.
[snaps fingers]
-Hello, my darlings.
ARCHIE: I don'’t know how you do that.
-Will.
[crowd murmuring]
-[Peter clears throat]
Greetings--
[trumpet fanfare playing]
[orchestral fanfare playing]
PETER: Full Russian.
Fuck. I'’ve actually banned most of those fabrics.
I thought you were taking Russia into the future,
not into grandmother'’s house. -Shut up.
-Court, if-- -Oh, you don'’t talk, my love.
-God has blessed us with many great leaders,
and now He has blessed us with another.
What a breath of fresh golden air
that blows through our court and our land.
How blessed we are by our Lord.
I bless Catherine the Great,
for she is our new...
-[whispering]: You'’re calling yourself "The Great"?
-Of course. ARCHIE: Bow before her...
-It seems... arrogant.
-[whispering]: It is if you are not great.
If you are, it is just calling things what they are.
-Right.
-Shh! -I have a speech.
-Just put the crown on me
when the long-winded blessing stops,
or I will have you dragged out right now.
-You wouldn'’t.
-It will be embarrassing for us both
and make it clear I took it.
So... maybe it is a good idea. -[Peter clears throat]
-...father of love.
Blessings, blessings, blessings,
from the one true church,
the one true God.
May you keep us on a righteous path to heaven.
♪ ♪
-I crown you empress of Russia.
[softly]: You look stunning.
One day we'’ll tell Paul about this.
-[softly]: Go sit.
Fellow Russians, what is God?
When I came here, I stood by a lake
and I felt God come out of the Russian mountains and shake me,
change me, so I knew what I was,
who to love.
Russia.
I will not constrain love, for it is eternal in all of us,
and yet the expression of it unique and individual.
What God asks all of us is different.
I believe who each person'’s God is can be as individual.
So today, I announce my first proclamation.
No more shall we be a one-church country.
People are free to worship as Muslim,
Hindu, Jew even, or even not at all.
God would not constrain our hearts,
and nor shall I do Him the insult of doing it.
I will not constrain people'’s love for a deity,
for it traps their hearts in fear
and I will not lead a land such as this.
-[softly]: Fucking, fucking fuck.
-I think if I can just--
-We may also all have beards again
because that seemed like a confusing and trivial rule.
-What? -Let us celebrate!
A banquet is served!
ALL: Huzzah!
-Oh, good. What are we having?
I probably should'’ve perused the menu.
-Guards. Escort the emp-- Peter, back to his apartments.
-Right. Of course.
Just let me read this to you. I went to a bit of trouble.
-Uh, quickly.
[unfolding parchment]
-Uh, "It is a strange thing to hand your crown to another,
"and yet I feel a peace in my heart
knowing I'’m handing it to one I love,
"the one I love who loves our great nation,
"despite being German.
"I have seen up close her wiseness and fierceness,
"and her naked body as it shimmers and glows
"like God put the sun inside her.
"I have also been inside her
"and we have made a Paul together
"and thus the future of Russia is assured.
"Give her your fear as you gave it me.
Fuck with her, you fuck with me."
-Strangely touching.
♪ ♪
-A moment.
ELIZABETH: Hello, darling.
PETER: I lost it.
-I know.
-What do you think he'’d think?
-I'’m not sure. -Liar.
He wouldn'’t have given up, would he?
-He didn'’t get as hungry as you do.
-My body let me down.
My mind was--
-As sharp as it has always been.
-Indeed.
If-if he knew how hungry I was though!
-And if he knew you had placed an heir safely inside Catherine
and assured the family line in doing so
and aimed to make her love you
so you would create more babies, he would be proud.
-Oh. And that she will fuck it up and give it back
after falling in love with me.
He would think that was cunning, right?
-He would see it as a unique and unexpected plan,
as he saw you a unique and unexpected child.
-Indeed.
-Emperor, we-- -All right, fuckhead, I'’m talking?
Let the conversation come to a natural end,
you boorish forest thug.
-Sorry. -It is fine.
I'’m perhaps ill-tempered, the suit is tight.
-And you'’re hungry.
-I am actually.
-The menu is very substandard at the dinner.
-It is? Huh. Of course it is.
The court will miss me indeed.
-Indeed. -Hm.
-I aimed to build a bridge of peace between us
and yet you rip at the foundations of my church.
-You seem angry.
-No. I am concerned...
that you act from spite rather than concern for the country.
-Well, rest your concerned soul, Archie. I don'’t.
-You create religious disharmony.
-I rely on you to lead us all to tolerance, Archie.
-[scoffs] These fucking infidels don'’t know tolerance.
-Well, from your tone, perhaps we need to learn it ourselves.
My advice, pray.
As if your life depended on it.
-I'’ve seen more stylish lampshades.
-[scoffs] I mean, Russian? What the fuck?
[ladies laughing]
-She looks amazing and you look like a French whore
at the end of a long night, so I... I think she wins.
Also, she'’s got the crown, so shut up and bow.
-Marial, we missed you.
How delighted we are.
You look stunning.
That was the thing, I forgot how stunning you are.
-Why are you being nice to her?
-Because I'’m the empress'’s best friend, dummy.
Do you not see your place now, Tatyana?
-I think the empress seeks you. You must run.
Perhaps she still sees you as a servant.
-I intended to be all calm
and high-handedly bitchy with you, Svenska,
but I am unfortunately not that person.
-[Svenska groans, coughs]
-That'’s for the beating.
We are square. Come for tea sometime.
-Before we begin, a blessing.
Father Basil, visiting us from the west.
I would like you to do it.
-Indeed.
[chair scrapes floor]
Lord, we thank you for this day...
-Can you not take those downstairs?
We'’re trying to celebrate the empress'’s coronation.
I do not wish to do it
surrounded by licked fucking plates.
-We also have not even been served our main courses yet?
-Relax. -Relax?
It is embarrassing.
-I have never been in salon Four-B before.
I did not even know there was a salon Four-B.
-There is alcohol.
And as I say, when there is alcohol,
food is an inadequate diversion.
-Huzzah. -Hmm.
-So, you idiots wish to drink our way through this?
-As all good Russians should.
-Huzzah!
George.
Stay and get drunk.
We'’re lucky to be alive.
-Salon Four-B is not life to me, Grigor.
She does not like us.
-He has a plan. She will fail.
-And what if she doesn'’t?
We will never have status at this court.
-You can charm anyone.
I think she likes us.
-She knows our loyalties.
She will never trust us, and rightfully so.
I will leave you to do nothing as usual.
-[sighs]
TATYANA: She is right.
It'’s a disaster.
-We must trust Peter'’s plan.
She will fail.
-Not really a plan though, is it?
Just waiting and hoping...
like I will be to see if you can get it up tonight.
-Maybe we should help then.
-I can get it up!
-I mean help her...
Catherine, fail.
-Huzzah! ALL: Huzzah!
-[glass shatters] -I like him.
-[glass shatters] -I don'’t like him.
-It'’s turned into a very challenging evening.
-Empress, do I see a plan forming?
CATHERINE: You do.
He is just a priest,
but if he was at court for a time,
I believe he could find favor amongst the old bishops.
-And we could end Archie.
-Indeed.
-Oh, we are as one on that. Brilliant.
-Remember that, Orlo.
-What?
-That I am brilliant.
Trust it.
-I shall.
[chuckles]
Huzzah. [chuckles]
[playing off-key]
-[softly]: Jesus.
[reading French text]
-[door opens] -Ah, George. Brilliant.
Let us fuck.
Ow! Jesus.
Are you angry or are we fucking?
-Both. -Oh.
Huh.
[fireworks bursting]
-Fucker.
Oh, it'’s fine.
It'’s fine.
I'’ll be back. Promise.
Hey! -[fireworks bursting]
-What the fuck do you-- -Don'’t be so fucking rude!
No need for it. Fucker.
[sighing]
[fireworks bursting]
Oh, that'’s disappointing.
Fuck.
Really didn'’t want to do that.
-Hands up who had sex last night?
-Oh, good grief. -Indeed. Indeed.
As I finished, that'’s what I yelled, "Indeed!"
-Who was it? -Some regional guy.
Lovely, smelt nice, and also leaving court today.
Perfect combination.
-Indeed. -[Marial laughs]
-We'’re being followed.
-Girls, come.
You liked what I wore at the coronation?
-You looked stunning.
-Would you like to be more like me
and perhaps have a life different from your mothers?
Come.
-Empress?
-Let us educate these fine young women.
-I would love to.
Girls, sit.
We were discussing Plato.
-If our parents don'’t like this, will we be shot?
-No. You are your own people.
How you spend your days is your business, is it not?
-The dress...
turns out you were right.
-They looked at it and saw the future, Marial.
-You mean they saw you.
-Exactly.
[Echobelly playing "Great Things"]
♪ I wanna do great things ♪
♪ I don'’t wanna compromise ♪
♪ I wanna know what life is ♪
♪ I wanna know everything ♪
♪ I wanna do great things ♪
♪ I don'’t wanna compromise ♪
♪ I wanna know what love is ♪
♪ Is it something I do to myself? ♪
♪ All is fair in love and war ♪
♪ Or so they say and so the saying goes ♪
♪ But I'’ve seen more broken hearts ♪
♪ Than you can count the bullets in a war ♪
♪ Oh, what do I know? ♪
♪ There'’s gotta be so much I don'’t know ♪
♪ I wanna do great things ♪
♪ I don'’t wanna compromise ♪
♪ I wanna know what life is ♪
♪ I wanna try everything ♪
♪ I wanna do great things ♪
♪ I don'’t wanna compromise ♪
♪ I wanna know what life is ♪
♪ I wanna try everything ♪
♪ I wanna do great things ♪
♪ I don'’t wanna compromise ♪
♪ I wanna know what love is ♪
♪ Is it something I do to myself? ♪
♪ Something I do to myself? ♪
♪ Something you do to yourself? ♪
♪ ♪