**
Hello, everybody!
Hello. Greetings. Thank you.
Hi, there.
Hello! Hello!
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And welcome to The Grand Tour,
which, once again, is in Whitby.
There is actually a very good reason for that.
It is because these two last week blew up my house,
and I literally have nowhere else to go.
-RICHARD: Yeah.
Plus-- Plus, James May lost the tent bag.
-Soz. JEREMY: Yeah, he did.
He did do that. Anyway, erm...
we were reminiscing, as we've been here all week,
and we worked out that Yorkshire is the only place on earth
where all three of us have had a car crash.
A Triumph 2500 rolled over.
-My first car.
And my second car.
-My mum's car, my dad's car,
my third and fourth cars,
my first four motorcycles,
the Radio York radio van,
the Radio Leeds radio car,
and a jet-powered dragster.
JEREMY: Oh, yes.
All of those. Busy.
And, erm... And what about you in Yorkshire?
Well, me, I'll tell you. No, 1977,
when the driving examiner said to me,
"Congratulations, Mr Clarkson, you've passed,"
what I heard was, "Congratulations, Mr Clarkson,
you are the best driver I've ever seen."
- Oh, no. - 36 hours later -
That's all it was, 36 hours I'd been on the roads -
stuffed my mother's Audi.
Wheels came off, killed a sheep.
So, if you're the farmer, sorry about that.
Er... Anyway, I'm glad we're still in Yorkshire,
because last week we said there was no real motoring connection with the county,
and it turns out that's not true.
I was reading Trip Advisor last night.
Now, Trip Advisor is a website for the mealy-mouthed and the bitter.
Well, hang on. I mean, it's not entirely--
No, seriously, it's useless apart from anything else,
because you have to know someone before their opinion is relevant.
I mean, I know Hammond, OK?
So if he tells me a restaurant's great,
I know I don't want to go there, because it'll be rubbish.
You're absolutely right, actually, because that bloke in the hat over there,
I don't care how many stars he gives Oxfam Whitby, I'm not going there.
Exactly. Anyway...
I went on Trip Advisor, OK, and there was a review of Whitby.
And it said, and I'm quoting here,
"One aspect of Whitby is the large number of local chavs..."
"...who drive around the town in a circuit
in their noise-enhanced cars."
Already, I don't like this person.
"They accelerated down the narrow streets
and then slowed their engines down quickly as they approached a junction,
causing explosive-sounding backfiring."
He sounds like a right knob.
Of course he's a right knob,
he's leaving a message on Trip Advisor.
Anyway, the police - the police, the local police here -
they've decided they've had enough of people, how they put it,
"...driving away in a manner that causes their wheels to spin and screech."
OK? So they decided to have a clampdown.
But, and this is the quote I love,
"The operation was curtailed due to poor weather."
What, are they saying...
They didn't go out because it was raining?
No, law enforcement in Whitby is like cricket.
Everybody just goes inside if it starts to drizzle.
So this is... This is the Whitby Town Police we are talking about here?
-Yeah, the WTPD. -Yeah.
No, hang on a minute, this is North Yorkshire. It's NYPD.
RICHARD: Wow! It actually is! JEREMY: It's the NYPD!
That would be a brilliant police drama.
"Right, Constable,
I've had the Chief Constable, he's chewed my arse,
the Mayor's chewed his arse, now we'll chew your arse."
"We've got these lads - well, chavs -
"that are doing, like, wheel screeches,
and you've got 48 hours to solve it, or I'll have your badge and your truncheon."
Anyway, on our car show tonight...
a tree falls over...
... a hedgehog makes a noise...
...and a dog eats some meat.
But we begin with Porsche.
They offer an immense and immensely complicated range of cars
all under the 911 banner.
Now, Porsche enthusiasts, by which I mean these two imbeciles,
say that they're all slightly different.
Completely different.
No, slightly different,
and that the best of the bunch is something called the GT3 RS.
So I thought I'd take it to our track to see what it was like.
And let's just hope that, for once in your life,
you haven't behaved like a child.
-Well, just said it's no good because I've got one.
Hammond, I am a professional motoring journalist, and coming up...
Amongst other things.
Coming up now is my professional review.
This is the car in question.
No, wait. Sorry. Hang on.
It's easy to be confused.
This is it.
The hottest, hardest,
tightest 911 of them all...
...and the most exotic.
It has the fattest back tyres I've ever seen on a road car.
It has scaffolding in the back for stiffness,
carbon-fibre body panels for lightness.
The roof is made from magnesium,
so if you turn it over and there are sparks,
there will be a blinding flash of light,
and then you will have a convertible.
Like many people, I don't really like the idea of the Porsche 911,
and I certainly don't like the people who drive them.
I find them flawed, in some dark and rather disgusting way.
But I will grudgingly admit
that even the basic cooking models are...
extremely lovely to drive.
They're...
They're just very good sports cars.
But what about this one?
Well...
Let's find out.
Straight away, I can tell you the engine...
is incredible.
There's no turbocharging.
It's just a four litre flat-six, but...
you get 500 horsepower.
And its red line at 9,000rpm.
9,000!
That's bike territory.
But the best thing is the way it goes round corners.
Because it's got four-wheel steering,
and because the engine is sitting right over the rear axle,
the grip is just astonishing.
I've engaged all the hero buttons down here,
turned all the electronic driver aids off,
and let see if I can unstick it.
In here far too fast into Swindon Swings.
Not "Swings," that's something completely different.
But, anyway, no loss of traction at all.
I thought, when I read the spec sheet on the RS,
that Porsche had tried to make a supercar,
a rival for Ferrari and McLaren and Lamborghini, but they haven't.
It's still a sports car.
It's still chuckable and deft.
Whoa! It's very, very good.
Annoyingly.
But... is it as good as this,
the BMW M4 GTS?
Like the Porsche, it's made from exotic lightweight materials...
and fitted with scaffolding instead of back seats,
and enormous tyres.
It looks good.
But there are some problems.
When you arrive at a small speed hump in the Porsche,
you raise its nose electrically and all is well.
But when you arrive at the same hump in the BMW...
you will need a team of men to fold away the spoiler
and adjust the ride height.
This takes several hours.
There are some other issues as well.
To give owners the sense they're driving a racing car,
all of the storage bins have been removed.
There's no cubbyhole here, no door pockets.
That means there's nowhere to put anything.
And I think that, on a day-to-day basis, that would drive you a bit mad.
Then there's the ride, which is extremely bumpy,
and the drone from the tyres, which is horrendous.
After ten minutes on a motorway,
you will have a headache,
and you won't have any headache pills with you,
because there was nowhere to put them.
Now, at this point, I would normally use the word "however"
and start talking about the car's good points.
However...
I can't, because...
I'm struggling to find any.
The engine, for example, has water injection,
which sounds cool.
But it means that every third time you fill the car with fuel,
you have to fill a water tank in the boot.
I don't know, but I'm not sure this is very hi-tech.
And then there's the steering, which in comfort mode is horrid,
and in sport setting is even more horrid.
That said, the steering wheel is nice.
It's good and thick. It's...
It's like holding onto something from the Ron Jeremy range.
And the seats aren't bad.
But other than that...
No.
A point that becomes even more obvious
when you go into battle against the Porsche.
We both have around 500 horsepower,
both have a top speed of around 190,
but the Porsche is a lot lighter.
Probably because it doesn't have a tank full of water in the boot.
Struggling to keep up now.
Here we go, into Swindon.
Oh, "Springs"!
A pampas grass shop.
Oh! We're having... God, that's nasty.
This is not a car that responds well
to my rather brutal driving style.
The problem is...
it doesn't really respond very well to delicacy, either.
This competition here now between these two cars
is like a boxing match between an actual boxer
and someone who thinks they're a boxer
because they're wearing satin shorts.
How did BMW get this thing so wrong?
Oh, God!
It's twitchy, it's unpredictable.
And in the rain,
it's somewhere between spiteful and undrive...
Oh, God! ...undriveable.
But, that said, this has to be the winner of this test
because Richard Hammond...
...has got one of those.
RICHARD: I called it.
That was annoying.
That was a professional review.
At points.
But you were doing so well,
and then you ruined it at the end.
What do you mean, ruined it?
By saying you'd have a worse car
because I haven't got one.
-That Porsche wounded me.
It did wound me, because, you know, it's got so much grip
that you're sort of forced into the seat?
And the seat's got stitching on it
which digs a hole in your back.
I've got a picture of what it did. Look at this!
-That's my back!
JAMES: Oh, I'm amazed you weren't hospitalised with that! That's horrific!
-That is a savage wound! -Mine's never done that to me.
That's cos you're a midget! You don't reach that high up the seat.
Or maybe you're a freak and sit in the wrong place.
It's not just the fact it wounds you.
Also, the Porsche's more expensive than the BMW.
Yes, but I'd rather spend £131,000 on the Porsche
than £120,000 on a BMW that's not very good on the road,
not very good on a track,
and no good at all in the rain.
Yeah, no, that's fair enough.
-Hold on.
I've got to the bottom of the problem with the BMW.
It's right here in the blurb.
"Developed on the Nürburgring."
Yeah, and, actually, speaking of tracks,
it's now time to hand the M4 over
to a man who thinks that sparkling water is basically communist.
Yeah, time to give it to the American.
There he is.
And he's off! No messing.
Parps from the exhaust on the upshifts
as he attacks the Isn't Straight.
I wonder if he actually knows what he's in.
Driving a BMW.
British Motor Works.
So, that's a no, then.
OK, continuing up the Isn't.
They say it's got more power.
Than what, my damn toothbrush?
OK.
Right to the end of the Isn't now,
and into Your Name Here.
Hard on the brakes, keeping it all in check,
and surely he'll appreciate the turbos punching him out of the corner.
Turbos on an engine is God's way of telling you it ain't got enough cylinders.
My mistake. Right, back up the Isn't.
Really winding up that straight-six.
I must admit, from the outside, it sounds good.
And already he's turning in hard,
round the Unexploded Bomb,
into the narrowness of Old Lady's House.
Yeah, back on the power for the bumpy bit towards Sub Station.
Idiotic splitter in peril over the ruts.
Now working the ceramic brakes hard
for the tight left.
Tickle of power. There it is.
And left again into Field Of Sheep.
A whiff of oversteer, and across the line!
It looked tidy.
Yeah, it looked all right.
It looked tidy. Right...
Let's bring up the er...
Let's bring up the leader board, if we can.
Now, there we are. We've already had the 911 GT3 RS round.
RICHARD: Wha-- And you're not gonna show the lap?
Nobody's interested in watching an American
being sawn in half by a glorified Beetle.
-It did 1:20.4.
Right, so, now let's see what the M4 did.
Let's put the time up. There it is.
Two seconds slower, and that's a short track.
That's unbelievable. That's not good, is it?
RICHARD: No. It's only a second faster than a Porsche 718.
I know. I mean, I admire BMW
for trying with that car. I really do.
But, my God, they've made a hash of it.
In fact, I'm trying to think of a metaphor
for someone who's really tried their hardest with something
and it hasn't worked.
No, nothing's coming to mind.
I've got nothing. I've got nothing.
I've got nothing at all.
So, let's... Let's move it on.
It's time for us to make a gentle left into Conversation Street.
OK. Right, I want to begin with the new Ford GT.
You've got a picture of it here. Now, this is...
Well, you remember the last GT they did.
That was just an homage, really, to the old GT40.
This one, they say, is actually a racing car on the road.
It's got a twin-turbo, 3.5 litre V6,
seven-speed flappy-paddle box,
more than 600 horsepower.
The problem is, though, I can't think of any racing car
that works on the road, really, ever.
No, they don't.
I mean, the Nissan GTR: fabulous, fabulous car.
Track edition: rubbish. It's undriveable.
You know, it's a very good point,
because a racing car on the road
is a bit like trying to play tennis with a cricket bat.
It's technically possible...
Two totally different disciplines.
The only trouble is, that looks so good, I do find myself going...
Mm. You erm... You bought the last GT, didn't you?
Yes.
Thank you for reminding me, Hammond. Yes, I did.
-No, it didn't.
The problem was the insurance company said it had to have a burglar alarm,
which blew usually when my daughter was doing the school play and ruined it,
and it had to have a tracker.
And there is nothing on God's earth more annoying than a tracker.
But I've got a tracker. It doesn't bother me in the slightest.
No, that's because you'll have a little special place
on your hall table with a pencil outline.
"I've got my keys and must remember to take my tracker."
Because you're organised and I'm not.
One for your tracker, for your keys, one for your little penknife.
One for some change in case you need it.
-Yeah, with 10ps and 2ps. -And a tiny screwdriver for mending your glasses.
-He will. Oh, he will. -No, I won't.
No, it lives in a-- It just has a little pouch.
You just hang it on the hook.
He's got a pouch for his tracker.
-Well, yeah, because...
-Well, leather, I suppose. -A little leather pouch.
Did you make it yourself?
-No, it came... -A little leather pouch.
It came with the car, believe it or not.
Oh, so Ferrari sold it to you.
Was it £600? I bet it was.
No, it just came with the car!
I don't think Ferrari give it away!
The stripes on your Ferrari, OK?
Two stripes, a bit like on that Ford.
There are two stripes. How much did you pay for those stripes?
Well, they were an option. They were £6,000.
Look. Listen, this is why I drive a Golf GTI, OK?
Because you don't need an alarm, you don't need a tracker,
and it's five insurance groups lower down than the previous Golf GTI level.
-Wow! -It is!
-It's because you can't crash it.
-I bet I could.
Anyway, have you two seen those new pedestrian traffic lights in Trafalgar Square?
Which, if you're watching America, is in London, which is in Britain.
Are these... Yes.
These are the ones that have got the two blokes on them, isn't it?
-James, don't be sexist!
-No, because what if you're a lesbian?
-Well, you would put two women on it.
Well, then what if you're straight?
-But traffic lights are only this big.
You can't have a man and a man, a man and a woman,
a man who isn't sure, and a woman and a woman--
What if... What if you just want to cross the road?
What... It's like being in the '70s with you two!
Crossing the road is now an opportunity for you to express your sexuality.
It is. That's why they've come up with these traffic lights in London.
RICHARD: What are they for?
JEREMY: No, they really have. They really have.
RICHARD: They're real? JEREMY: They are for real.
JAMES: What's that one on the right, then?
Hello! Transgender.
What? So, hang on, only tran...
-Yeah.
Transgender traffic lights.
JAMES: I didn't know that. RICHARD: So only...
Only transgender people can cross when that's green?
No!
When it goes red, does that mean
it's not OK to be transgender?
That's a good point.
I don't know what happens when it goes red.
No way they're gonna say, "It's not a..." I don't know.
And what has any of this got to do with crossing the road?
That's all you want to do. It's nothing to do with expressing your sexuality.
It's the wrong time. I want to cross the road.
All I want to do at that point
is work out how to go to the other side.
And by that I don't mean...
No. I don't...
I mean...
...of the road.
Maybe you're right, it is.
Right, now, can I talk about Alfa Romeo?
BOTH: No.
Because we have to introduce our next film.
Now, as we know, in recent years the world's carmakers
have made great strides to make more fuel-efficient
and environmentally-friendly car engines,
but very little has been done to make more
environmentally-friendly car bodies and interiors.
Yeah, by and large, they are still made of steel and plastic,
and that consumes a huge amount of energy.
So we had an idea. Are there more sustainable materials that could be used instead?
Well, to find out, each of us bought a Land Rover Discovery.
We then removed its metal body
and replaced it with whatever we thought was the best solution
for the future of the planet.
JAMES: The meeting point was in Wales,
and I was the first to arrive,
in a car made from mud.
But, sadly, before I had the chance to tell you anything about it,
Hammond arrived.
Oh, yeah. Let me talk you through this.
What I've done, I've built a frame out of hazel,
through which I have weaved English flowers and shrubs.
It's basically a hedgerow.
Better still, it is growing, because I've planted them
so it's got compost and soil to provide the nutrients required
to let my car flourish and bloom.
You don't... You don't wash this car, you water it.
It's alive. It's brilliant, isn't it?
-No, it's cleared up.
-No, but I can feel it starting inside me.
-Well...
Sadly, before I could tell him,
Jeremy arrived... in a snuff movie.
JEREMY: Gentlemen, I can see what's happened. RICHARD: Wha...
You're speechless, because all the words in your head
have been sucked out by the magnetism of my genius.
A car made from bone and skin.
JAMES: What bones? -Animal bones.
Bones are no good for this. You can't use bones to make cars.
Why not? When your dog dies, what do you do now? You bury it.
-I don't turn her into a boot lid!
Because I don't want to see a little face stretched across--
You don't have the face! I haven't got a face on it.
It's just the bones.
So as Granny gets older, does the family sit around
planning a new little hatchback?
Now, I hadn't thought of people.
There's not a lot of dignity in it, is there?
Have you used ears for wing mirrors?
-Yes. -You're sick!
Why would you not do that? They're designed for that.
-No, they're not. -Well, they are.
-They're not reflective. -They absorb information and pass it on to the creature.
-Look at my windscreen.
It's... the digestive system -
well, part of the digestive system - of an cow.
RICHARD: What part of the digestive system?
-JAMES: Its stomach lining. -Not its stomach lining.
Further back? -Yes.
Are you staring at the world through a cow's ring?
It is its anal passage.
But it's stretched so thin that it's completely transparent.
Cow's arse, horse's arse. It's perfect!
Come on! It's a lot better than what you two have done, which is nothing.
-Have a guess.
It's mud. It's a mud car.
-You've got flat tyres. -No, they're not flat.
They're pumped up as high as they will go without exploding.
-Quite a lot.
-Yeah, loads.
How much does it weigh, James?
-Tonnes.
-Five.
Well, that's just idiotic. -Well, mud is quite heavy.
-This looks safe. -It's sustainable, is that. That is growing.
While we've been having that conversation, this has extended a little bit.
-It just grows quietly.
Everything's planted. I've put bulbs along here, ready for spring. Daffodils.
-Yes. Hazel, very strong.
It's not as strong as bone. Bone is three times stronger than steel.
Oh. Sorry, text.
Mr Wilman.
"Having built your cars from nature, you will now drive through it,
to the Myarth Hill,
where you will take part in a green motorsport event."
-He doesn't say.
A motorsport event that is presumably ecological in some way.
OK.
JEREMY: Before setting off,
we consulted a map to see where we were going.
Right, so that's the UK.
We're here, and we've got to get to here.
Well... that doesn't look like too much of a challenge.
With that sorted, we saddled up
and began our epic 11-mile journey.
RICHARD: Look at the smoke!
JEREMY: That's ecological.
Greenpeace are gonna be ringing him up at any moment.
Tremendous.
Smells of nature, I'm in nature,
I'm made of nature.
It's not quick, but it gives me more time to enjoy God's creation,
of which I am very much a part.
-Oh!
JEREMY: James!
We've done ten seconds, and James...
I may be losing one of my - I think the correct technical term is the A-pillar.
Now it's gone completely.
JEREMY: Oh, dear!
Surely he has to admit defeat?
RICHARD: There's not much car left now.
JEREMY: Oh, dear, James.
I think we can count you out.
-But it doesn't matter.
Look. You think, "Oh, James's car's falling apart."
I'm standing in my spare-parts department. All of it.
Can be used to rebuild your car?
-It's right under there, mud.
Well, I'm sorry, but we're gonna set off and leave you behind.
Well, hang on. You can't leave me behind
because we haven't started. We're still in the field.
- Oh, yes. - Good point. OK, well,
we're gonna set off and go to the pub.
-That's a very good idea. -While you...
-...find some mud.
I've lost my car! Oh, it's there. It's there.
JEREMY: With Bob The Builder out of the way,
Richard and I settled down to appreciate
the planet-saving nature of our revolutionary eco-cars.
You may be...
amused by my bodywork,
or perhaps horrified,
but the fact is that making steel bodies for cars
produces 120 million tonnes of carbon dioxide every year.
120 million tonnes!
Carmakers will sort out clean,
environmentally-friendly engines. They will.
But in the meantime, I can tell you that the CO2 produced by this car's engine
is being absorbed and used by the bodywork.
Plants breathe in carbon dioxide and breathe out oxygen.
That's what my car's body is doing right now.
Jumpers, Sunday lunch... spare parts.
You don't need a foundry or a furnace
to build the body for this car.
You just need animals to make love to one another.
That's what this car is really. It's a sex machine.
Meanwhile, back at base, James was having a rethink.
I've decided to abandon my original idea
because it was just too weak and too floppy,
and instead I'm going to build a car out of bricks.
The basic materials for making the bricks
are fresh mud with a bit of water in it,
er... some straw to give it strength,
and some sheep poo.
You then use that to make the brick shape,
and then you fire those in a kiln.
Then you use the bricks to build the thing like a house.
Except, of course, it will be roughly the shape of a car.
JEREMY: Back on the road, Hammond had called our eco convoy to a halt.
-Shh.
Shush what?
There's a bustle in my hedgerow.
Well, don't be alarmed now.
-It's probably just a... spring clean.
RICHARD: As it turned out, I'd picked up a passenger.
Hold on. There! Look!
JEREMY: Oh! It's a hedgehog!
RICHARD: Yeah! He's moved in.
Do hedgehogs have bones? He could be a door mirror.
He's now a member of my little community in here.
You're not using him to make a door mirror.
-No, but when he dies-- -He lives here!
Hedgehogs die.
JEREMY: Oh, he's got a mouse in his little bird box.
And it's got the biggest testes I've ever seen!
Eventually, Richard and I arrived at the pub.
Oh, hello! Oh, mate! You fool!
Oh! Oh, look.
Clean break. That'll never... You're gonna need pins.
Shut up! Your car's given me hay fever.
I can't see through my eyes.
Oh, so you crashed your car because mine's got flowers on
and not because you built your windscreen out of a cow's balloon knot?
Let's not get bogged down with who caused the accident, cos it was you.
I am now gonna go and get some spare parts.
Of course you are. That'll be easy.
Maybe there'll be a nice zoo in this tiny village.
No, hospital. Old folks' home.
You could wait-- Just find one of those old ladies with...
JEREMY: Back at the start point,
the eco-warrior was ramping up the pace.
Watch that go.
JEREMY: Meanwhile, back at the pub,
I was repairing my damaged front end.
Well, annoyingly, the pork that I bought
is sort of triangular and doesn't look right.
It doesn't really fit, so I've got a side of beef,
which I think will be great.
Now, I'm just erm... clearing away the old bone.
No, shoo! Shoo in Welsh.
I'm warning you.
How would you like to be a petrol filler cap?
What do you think?
I actually think it looks rather stylish,
because it immediately looks ecological, recyclable,
sustainable - all those things.
You get a single-skin brick wall.
It builds up very neatly, as you can see.
It is exactly the same as making something out of Lego.
-If you have lots of Lego...
Right.
JEREMY: Clearly, James was not going to get his car built that day,
so Richard and I decided to spend the night at the pub.
How far have we come today? Just remind me.
We're still in the same field where we started.
-Well, he is. -Yes.
-We're in a pub. - But we have to go back to the start to start.
-It's not the best start. -No.
-Erm...
Precisely, so, actually, it might yet be a brilliant start when the start starts.
Ow!
His one was useless. It's his slap-happy attitude to making things.
Attention to detail.
Thank you very much.
Anyway, now it is time for Celebrity Brain Crash!
Now, last week...
Last week, as I'm sure you'll remember,
our guest Simon Pegg sadly fell into the harbour and drowned.
Er... But there's no danger of that happening this week,
because our guest is actually starting in the harbour.
He is one of Britain's top comedians
and a jet-ski enthusiast.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Jimmy Carr!
Here he comes now, look, on the screen...
and he's looking good!
RICHARD: He is. What are we going to ask him when he gets here?
I'm gonna ask him, actually, about erm...
that story he told me once when we were on holiday.
RICHARD: No, you can't ask him about that on air.
Ofcom, they won't like it.
Why does Ofcom... We're on the internet.
Yeah, but we're still broadcast. You can't tell that story.
JAMES: Whoa! Hang on! Hang on!
I don't want to interrupt. He's come in very hot.
No, what's this boat doing? Shush, everyone! Shush!
The boat! Stop the...
Oh, for God's sake! The boat!
Oh, my God.
As you may have noticed, the audience there applauding the tragic death...
...of one of Britain's best-loved comedians, Jimmy Carr.
Does that mean he's not coming on, then?
Well, James, he's burst
and is now basically chum on the waters of the harbour,
so that's a no, he's not coming on.
This is a dis... It's awkward.
-It's every single week. -We're getting a reputation. People are gonna notice.
It's OK, though. I've just thought of something else we can do to fill the time.
You... You know what it is.
-You go outside, and you.
Yes, I'm afraid you do. Could you go that way?
Go get it. Quickly, quickly. Run, run, run.
Ladies and gentlemen,
please try not to look at the hideous bloodstained water out of the window.
You see, the thing is... The thing is
that when immigrants try to get into the country,
they always come in the back of a container lorry,
and I always think that is the world's worst game of hide-and-seek.
Cos if you work for Homeland Security... No, what's it called here?
Border Force? ...Border Force, you open the doors and, "Well, there you are."
So I was thinking, surely there must be a better way of getting into Britain?
And I think I've worked it out.
-So, James, could you bring the car in? JAMES: Yes.
JEREMY: Yes, good man.
Right, here he comes now,
at his usual top speed of eight,
in what is an Audi TT Quattro.
That's perfect. Thank you so much, James. If you'd like to step out.
Now, Richard Hammond is in this car.
And I'm going to give you, the studio audience, one hour to find him.
RICHARD: Oh, not an hour!
All right, not an hour. A minute. I'll give you 60 seconds to find him.
Help yourselves, everybody. See if you can find him.
JAMES: Open the bonnet. MAN: Look in the ashtray!
JEREMY: Look in the ashtray? He's small, but he's not that small.
JAMES: Open the boot. MAN: Inside the seat.
JEREMY: "Inside the seat."
MAN: He's strapped underneath. He's underneath.
JEREMY: Have a look. MAN: I'll get down.
JEREMY: If you just go down there, you can have a look underneath.
MAN: Has anyone lifted this?
Three, two, one...
No, you've all failed.
You'd be no good in Immigration.
Right, go back to where you were, because, ladies and gentlemen,
what we are going to do now is reveal to you
where Richard Hammond was concealed in this car.
James, could you give me a hand?
-Certainly. -Okey-doke.
-Hello! JAMES: There he is.
Hello! I'm in the car. Yeah.
JEREMY: Are you all right?
Yeah. Can I get out now?
The amazing thing is, it's not just Audi TTs.
Almost any car has that much space
if you want to do a spot of people smuggling.
Yeah, it's not that much space, just to be clear.
Can I get out now?
No, because I've just thought of something.
No, seriously. James, could you pop the bumper back on?
-No, move your feet.
-No, because-- -It's not very nice!
Is it not? Right, so, pop that back on there.
Now, what we've got here, I think,
is a really rather effective parking sensor.
RICHARD: What? I don't like this! -I like it. I like it.
You get back in. We'll bring a car in so that...
Yeah, so you've got something to reverse up to.
I need to drill some holes for your eyes.
RICHARD: You bloody don't!
Seriously, Hammond, you won't be able to see anything unless I do.
About here? -At the front of my head!
Right, close them, Hammond. This...
-I'm not talking to you!
Right, I'll do one for your other eye.
There. Can you see out now?
Yes, there. Look. Can you see?
We can see his little eyes. That's lovely. If someone holds this.
Right, James, if you'd like to start reversing,
keeping your ears open for Hammond's pitiable screams.
JAMES: Roger.
RICHARD: No... No! No! Just stop!
No! Stop!
JAMES: How far away is that? JEREMY: About 15 feet.
RICHARD: What? JAMES: Hammond?
RICHARD: What? JAMES: We live in London.
-You could build a £4 million house in that gap.
I need to know when you're half an inch away.
RICHARD: You're not the one in the bloody bumper!
-Right, come on, then, James. -Here we go.
Hammond, you're on silence till it's dangerous.
Stop!
That is absolutely brilliant.
That's like a quarter of an inch.
Look at that.
Cor!
The thing is, parking sensors are very expensive.
You can rent a man for almost nothing.
Yeah, look, I don't know how much you pay to rent a man normally,
but I cost more.
Now, get me out of here, please.
Well, no, because we've got to link into the next film.
-We can't get you out anyway
because you're too close; we'll never get the bumper off.
-You're too good at your job, Hammond. RICHARD: Oh, God!
That's what's happened. So we're going back...
Actually, it's part two, isn't it
It was Italy. No, that was last week.
-Oh, the cars! RICHARD: Oh, really?
-Oh, the sustainable thing. -Sustainable cars. So... -Yes.
RICHARD: Get on with it!
JEREMY: The following morning we were up bright and early
so we could get back to the start line.
-Not a bad night, actually. -It was all right.
Oh, hello.
Oh! That's dogs and foxes and things, isn't it?
Dogs have come and eaten your car.
They haven't eaten it, they've destroyed it,
which means I've got to put it back together again.
There are some spare parts up there.
JEREMY: Yeah, I think that horse is looking very ill.
It's got a very grey face.
That's always a sign of looking ill.
Is your horse ill?
-No.
-No
Yeah.
Damn it.
It took all morning to repair my car
with stuff from the butcher's shop,
which meant it was lunchtime
before we were on our way back
to see how James was getting on.
Jeremy, what's all that smoke up ahead there?
JEREMY: What smoke?
That massive ball of smoke in front of us, up front.
I can't see it. My hay fever's really bad.
No, you can't see it because you're trying to looking at it
through a cow's butt hole.
JEREMY: As it turned out, the smoke was on account
of James having single-handedly restarted the Industrial Revolution.
What?
-I'm making...
The theory is... we are reducing our impact on the environment,
but you've dug it up!
It's not where anybody lives.
It's just the countryside. It's not doing anything.
Is that a coal lorry?
-Yes. -The least environmental thing on the entire earth.
It's a lorry delivering coal.
-To fire up the kiln.
The bricks have to be baked. You can't just--
-Hold on. So you're making a car out of mud bricks? -Yes.
Are you gonna dig a canal network to get in and out, perhaps, with your coal?
-That's quite a good idea. -It isn't a good idea!
JEREMY: Much ruined countryside later,
James's new car was finally ready.
Why are you dressed up like an American footballer?
Well, it's a prototype,
and I'm a test pilot, in effect.
Test pilots wear specialist equipment.
But that looks perfectly solid to me.
That roof is...
James, even given the limitations of the material you've used,
your car looks crap.
But look how it blends in with the environment.
Prince Charles would love this.
RICHARD: It doesn't blend in with anything.
There's no environment left - you've dug it all up.
JEREMY: Right, can we finally go? JAMES: Yes, you can.
RICHARD: 11 miles lie ahead.
JAMES: See you there.
-Ow!
JAMES: That is a complete mystery, to be honest.
It's not.
It had an arched roof, it had a keystone.
There must be something wrong with that mortar.
JEREMY: Waiting for James to mend his bodywork, again,
meant my bodywork started to go off.
But, eventually, he was ready.
It's really rather pleasant.
This is like being at home with the windows open.
Richard, meanwhile, had added some floral go-faster stripes,
and I'd opened up my cow's rectum to improve the ventilation.
We have had a few problems.
We've only covered, yes, two miles in two days,
but here we are,
as a threesome, going along.
But then...
It's a river, and not a small one.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
Oh, God.
-Oh, your bricks have fallen off, mate. -Your bonnet's fallen off.
JAMES: Perfectly all right. Redundancy's built into it.
-Yeah.
JEREMY: Since Richard is the team bumpkin,
we decided he should go first.
OK, well, my community of people, make for higher ground.
Just climb.
Hammond's ark made it to the other side safely.
Yeah!
And then it was my go.
I'm really deep here.
Really, really deep.
Oh, no! Cows leak!
That's a terrible thing to learn!
However, I, too, made it with relative ease.
Eat my meat, Hammond!
But then...
Look at this.
Tragic.
An old man driving a low garden wall into a river.
Let's look on the bright side. If this doesn't work as a car,
it will be very effective as a dam.
JEREMY: He's not doing it quite as quickly as you or I did it.
Nor as aggressively, nor as purposefully.
His car is also riding a lot lower than ours because it weighs so much.
I was getting very deep. It may be leaking slightly.
It's leaking a lot.
Cack. Chaps, I think I'm beached.
I'm being honest, there's not a great deal we can do about it.
You're in the river, we're here.
Right, if I go right a bit,
I should... clear that...
Oh, yes!
-Oh, the... -The side's just come off. -Yeah, that's...
So the mortar's dissolving and the bricks are just falling off.
JEREMY: Yes.
That's more gone.
Oh, God! The mortar's dissolving!
He's just transporting his own cameras along.
That's all he's doing.
Get off!
-Get off!
Little spindly arms throwing a brick.
Help!
We're gonna have to put him out of his misery.
JEREMY: We'll just abandon him. RICHARD: Do you think?
What is the point of him?
James, can you hear me?
We've analysed the situation and there is literally
nothing we can do to help. Nothing.
Leaving James in his dissolving car,
we headed off to make camp and get supper underway.
Well, apart from your rather tragic tents,
-this isn't so bad. -It's all right.
It is amazing, isn't it?
My car, the way it disappears into that hedge,
it's not just camouflage, it is hedge.
-It's gone. -No, it is genuinely...
Actually, I will agree, yours is remarkable.
Meanwhile, James's car had shed so much weight
that he was able to get free...
and start raping the countryside again to rebuild it.
Bastards.
You know, what's incredible about this -
this sustainable living we're doing -
is our barbecue is made from bricks from James's car,
the kindling and the vegetables are from your car.
Are you about to tell me I'm eating...
-Back wing.
-When you buy a steak, it says "keep refrigerated".
It doesn't say, "Stick to the side of your car,
leave in the sun, then drive through a river."
Whoa!
James is making such a racket, isn't he?
It's worse than last time.
The difference on this trip, while he's been tearing nature apart,
I've never felt closer to it.
Well, he's just messing everything up. He always...
Holy cow.
-Hammond.
That.
What are you doing?
He couldn't see it. It's a hedge trimmer.
That's my community, you rural bastard!
-Oh, my... -Oh, God!
The next morning, to cheer up Hammond
following the decimation of his car
and his woodland animal community,
I made breakfast.
-Eat it. -No!
-Because it's going green!
It's just a bit of door.
You can see where the flies have been on it.
It's disgusting.
Hello. Hello!
What...?
-It's a dung heap. -It is a dung heap.
-Morning. -Morning.
Is this a car
It is a totally sustainable car made of, effectively, wattle and daub,
only the wattle has been replaced by straw
and the daub has been replaced by cow poo,
but the principle is the same.
JEREMY: How the hell do you fit in it? -Only just.
-There.
Hang on.
Can we just test your blind spots, James?
Can you see either of us now?
-No.
Heavily pedestrianised areas should be avoided.
-Right, come on. We've just got two miles to go. -Yes.
-Jesus Christ!
-The smell!
-It breaks my heart, but it's a small gift for you.
Mate! -Yes, from me and my woodland community.
Oh!
-It's a dead bat! -Yeah, it is.
-Yeah.
So I could use it as a reversing parking sensor.
Yeah, I don't think it works once the bat is dead.
And so, with all of us running...
(JEREMY MIMICS REVERSING BEEP)
My reversing bat is working well.
...we began the final two-mile leg of our epic journey.
JAMES: Oh, balls!
There are some issues associated with environmentalism,
and we're seeing one of them right now.
-Oh, God!
James attempted to tie his car back together using a ball of string...
which went well.
RICHARD: It's going...
RICHARD: Oh, that's gonna confuse him now!
Why'd they make it in a ball shape? What a stupid idea!
But eventually it was done and we were on our way.
James, how much does it weigh now?
I'm gonna say the weight has gone down a bit. I think I'm down to three tonnes.
So you still need an HGV licence?
JAMES: But it's not a type of car known to the DVLA.
Mind you, I had even bigger problems.
My car was starting to smell really bad.
One of the sound recordists
just came to fiddle with my microphone,
and actually was sick.
Eventually, though, our destination hoved into view.
RICHARD: After three days gruelling travel
over 11 miles, we're here.
This must be it.
It was the Inaugural Sustainable Living Motorsport Challenge
on a track carved out of nature itself.
JEREMY: Oh, hang on.
-A text message.
I've got a text here from Mr Wilman,
with the instructions of what we're doing.
"Whoever does the most laps in one hour wins."
Oh, well, James, that's not gonna be you.
-Well, you don't know. -No, I do know it's not gonna be you.
Oh, no, wait. Hang on. "You will be racing against
three old-fashioned steel cars."
-Hang on. Yes, those. -Hello.
JEREMY: Oh, there they are. JAMES: How quaint.
JEREMY: No, they don't look quaint. They look ridiculous.
It's funny, that's the nature of progress.
-Suddenly, they look stupid. JEREMY: They do.
The museum pieces were being driven by three local yobbos.
Right, this is it.
The MeaTI, the TreeTI and the PeaTI are ready.
Oh, what a start! It's a good start.
Yes, we're blocking!
Oh, they've gone! They've gone! I couldn't see the flag.
Yes, there are some hay bales. I'll follow those.
Where the hell does it go next?
Despite the excellent start from Richard and I,
we were quickly overwhelmed by the steel cars.
And now the Golf's got past!
Oh, no! Oh, no!
I've let the Mondeo through. That's a disaster!
Oh, I've lost one of my nose tampons!
What Richard and I really needed was help from our colleague.
Sadly, though...
JAMES: I'm gonna take a racing line. Oh, I'm completely lost.
The trouble is, the race track looks the same as the front of the car.
What a stupid idea for an event.
I've lost the other nose tampon! Help!
I may have to pit for another tampon.
JAMES: Where am I going?
All right, James?
No.
No time to lose.
I've gone for the super absorbent,
slightly larger nose tampons,
which I hope will last a little longer.
Given that we were in an endurance race,
our tactics so far had been to protect our cars.
RICHARD: Reliability, that's what we need here. That is everything.
That's what matters most.
But with the cars of the past racking up so many laps,
we had to get the hammer down.
The MeaTI against the...
whatever that is - 1.6 litre Golf.
Yes!
Yes! I've got him!
RICHARD: Power sliding a hedge.
Come on!
JEREMY: Yes. Oh, yes.
I think I've done a lap.
With us three - well, two - making good progress,
the cars from the past started to play dirty.
That is out of order! They are getting violent!
Oh! Oh, no!
I've lost a tampon again!
JAMES: Who was that?
RICHARD: Think you can mess with us
just because we like trees, do you?
That's out of order, mate. You can't. Have that!
The bone is taking on the steel!
Although we were holding our own,
the relentless pressure started to take its toll on our vehicles.
JAMES: I've lost part of the hat.
I can smell...
What can I smell?
Is that from the exhaust?
With Hammond distracted by the hot exhaust burning his bodywork,
it was all down to my cow car.
Good dicing here between the past and the future.
It's neck and neck!
But then...
Oh, no! No!
Disaster!
Oh, hell. I think it looks like
Jeremy's got trouble.
How do you peel a cow?
Having eventually got to the overheating engine
and seen it had become a production line for maggots...
...I decided to go off and be sick.
Er... News from the Inaugural Sustainable Motorsport Event
On A Sustainable Track, or whatever it's called,
Jeremy Clarkson has retired with a maggot infestation.
JAMES: This meant all our hopes rested with Richard Hammond
and his smouldering ark.
Yeah, you ran wide!
But then...
Oh, my God!
Oh, no!
Oh, no! More news from the Sustainable Motorsport Challenge is that... Ow!
...Richard Hammond, I believe, is on fire.
The garden centre is ablaze.
Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh, no!
That's gonna make it worse!
JEREMY: With Hammond's car on fire...
mine alive, and James's disintegrating again...
JAMES: Ow! Ow!
...we decided that environmentalism simply doesn't work.
-And with that, back to--
And with that, back to the tent.
JAMES: Holy crap!
-No, it didn't work. -No. So, there we are.
There we are, we've looked into it.
We've looked into it thoroughly,
and I'm afraid we're all doomed, we're all gonna die.
And on that terrible disappointment, I'm afraid it's time to end.
See you next week. Goodbye!
**