WEBVTT X-TIMESTAMP-MAP=LOCAL:00:00:00.000,MPEGTS:9000 00:00:04.971 --> 00:00:15.982 line:10% position:35% size:50% [ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ] 00:00:16.049 --> 00:00:26.025 line:10% position:10% size:63% align:start [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE! 00:00:26.092 --> 00:00:38.304 line:10% position:10% size:63% align:start [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE! 00:00:38.371 --> 00:00:42.308 line:79% position:10% size:75% align:start >> AND DESPITE HIS ELFIN SIZE, HERMEY HAD BIGGER DREAMS. 00:00:42.375 --> 00:00:45.278 line:85% position:43% size:65% >> I WANT TO BE A DENTIST! 00:00:48.848 --> 00:00:49.816 line:85% position:28% size:33% >> YOU MORON! 00:00:49.883 --> 00:00:52.218 line:79% position:10% size:55% align:start YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT DENTISTRY! 00:00:52.285 --> 00:00:56.356 line:85% position:40% size:60% >> I WANT TO BE A BAKER. 00:00:56.423 --> 00:00:57.624 line:85% position:35% size:50% >> YECCH! YOU IDIOT! 00:00:57.690 --> 00:00:59.859 line:79% position:10% size:68% align:start THIS DOUGHNUT'S FILLED WITH TINSEL! 00:00:59.926 --> 00:01:01.694 line:85% position:48% size:75% YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT BAKING. 00:01:01.761 --> 00:01:05.365 line:79% position:10% size:53% align:start >> I-I-I WANT TO BE A MILLIONAIRE. 00:01:05.432 --> 00:01:07.467 line:85% position:33% size:45% I'D HAVE TO SAY... 00:01:07.534 --> 00:01:08.668 line:85% position:33% size:45% "'D.' NUTCRACKER." 00:01:08.735 --> 00:01:09.702 line:85% position:28% size:33% FINAL ANSWER. 00:01:09.769 --> 00:01:12.572 line:79% position:10% size:78% align:start >> A WOMAN'S REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN IS A NUTCRACKER?! 00:01:12.639 --> 00:01:22.115 line:79% position:10% size:55% align:start YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT GENITALIA! 00:01:22.182 --> 00:01:24.617 line:79% position:15% size:70% align:start >> C-CAN I PLEASE COME BACK, SANTA? 00:01:24.684 --> 00:01:26.052 line:85% position:35% size:48% THIS IS ALL I KNOW. 00:01:26.119 --> 00:01:29.122 line:79% position:10% size:75% align:start >> YOU'RE ALWAYS WELCOME HERE, HERMEY. 00:01:29.189 --> 00:01:30.423 line:79% position:10% size:48% align:start >> [ SMOOCHES ] [ GUNSHOT, SPLASH ] 00:01:38.698 --> 00:01:41.968 line:79% position:10% size:80% align:start >> THE POINT BEING, YOU ARE MORE THAN WELCOME TO PURSUE OUTSIDE 00:01:42.035 --> 00:01:42.669 line:85% position:23% size:25% INTERESTS. 00:01:42.735 --> 00:01:44.237 line:85% position:35% size:50% THE CHOICE IS YOURS. 00:01:44.304 --> 00:01:46.573 line:79% position:10% size:53% align:start >> ♪ DO-DO-DO-DO ♪ ♪ I SAW MOMMY KISSING 00:01:46.639 --> 00:01:48.741 line:79% position:28% size:33% SANTA CLAUS ♪ >> I KNEW IT! 00:01:48.808 --> 00:01:50.910 line:85% position:35% size:48% THAT [BLEEP] WHORE! 00:01:53.880 --> 00:01:54.647 line:85% position:28% size:33% WHERE IS HE?! 00:01:54.714 --> 00:01:56.616 line:79% position:10% size:65% align:start WHERE'S THAT MOTHER[BLEEP] SANTA CLAUS? 00:01:56.683 --> 00:01:57.784 line:85% position:38% size:55% >> WHAT THE HELL, MAN? 00:01:57.851 --> 00:01:58.885 line:85% position:28% size:35% HE'S NOT REAL. 00:01:58.952 --> 00:02:01.955 line:79% position:10% size:80% align:start >> DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES TO CARVE AN ICE DOOR? 00:02:02.021 --> 00:02:03.189 line:85% position:20% size:18% >> OHH! 00:02:03.256 --> 00:02:05.625 line:85% position:23% size:23% >> AAAAH! 00:02:05.692 --> 00:02:07.160 line:85% position:40% size:60% >> OHH! OH, MY BROTHERS! 00:02:07.227 --> 00:02:10.697 line:85% position:48% size:73% >> NOW...WHERE'S SANTA CLAUS? 00:02:10.763 --> 00:02:12.432 line:79% position:10% size:43% align:start >> [ WHIMPERING ] OH, NO! 00:02:12.499 --> 00:02:13.533 line:85% position:25% size:28% OW! OW! OW! 00:02:13.600 --> 00:02:14.501 line:85% position:33% size:43% OKAY, OKAY, OKAY! 00:02:14.567 --> 00:02:16.936 line:79% position:10% size:70% align:start HE'S -- HE'S, UH, DELIVERING GIFTS, YOU KNOW. 00:02:17.003 --> 00:02:18.037 line:85% position:35% size:50% THAT'S WHAT HE DOES. 00:02:18.104 --> 00:02:23.176 line:79% position:10% size:73% align:start SO HE'S NOT GONNA BE BACK FOR QUITE SOME TIME. 00:02:23.243 --> 00:02:24.277 line:85% position:30% size:40% >> OH, NO, WAIT. 00:02:24.344 --> 00:02:25.578 line:85% position:35% size:50% H-HE JUST WALKED IN. 00:02:25.645 --> 00:02:26.880 line:85% position:35% size:50% WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? 00:02:26.946 --> 00:02:27.680 line:85% position:23% size:25% >> I KNOW. 00:02:27.747 --> 00:02:28.615 line:85% position:28% size:33% >> KNOW WHAT? 00:02:28.681 --> 00:02:31.851 line:79% position:10% size:58% align:start >> SUZY SAW YOU KISSING SANTA CLAUS! 00:02:31.918 --> 00:02:33.853 line:85% position:48% size:73% >> THAT'S JUST A SONG, SILLY. 00:02:33.920 --> 00:02:39.392 line:79% position:10% size:38% align:start [ MUSIC PLAYS ] >> OH! 00:02:39.459 --> 00:02:41.060 line:79% position:10% size:43% align:start [ CHUCKLES ] THAT MAKES SENSE. 00:02:41.127 --> 00:02:43.329 line:79% position:10% size:80% align:start MAN, I GOT TO START LISTENING TO MORE MUSIC. 00:02:43.396 --> 00:02:45.298 line:79% position:13% size:73% align:start >> I AM [BLEEP] THE NEIGHBOR, THOUGH. 00:02:45.365 --> 00:02:47.133 line:85% position:40% size:60% >> MIKE? HOW'S HE DOING? 00:02:47.200 --> 00:02:49.936 line:79% position:45% size:68% >> [ Panting ] JOSEPH, WHY COULDN'T YOU GET US A ROOM? 00:02:50.003 --> 00:02:52.071 line:79% position:10% size:80% align:start >> THERE WEREN'T ANY ROOMS LEFT, MARY. 00:02:52.138 --> 00:02:55.141 line:79% position:10% size:80% align:start >> OH, MY VAGINA'S ABOUT TO SPLAT OUT AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING, 00:02:55.208 --> 00:02:56.976 line:79% position:15% size:68% align:start AND THEY COULDN'T FIND ME A BED?! 00:02:57.043 --> 00:02:57.977 line:85% position:35% size:50% >> IT'S OKAY, HONEY. 00:02:58.044 --> 00:02:58.912 line:85% position:33% size:45% THIS WILL BE FINE. 00:02:58.978 --> 00:03:01.447 line:79% position:35% size:48% [ ANIMALS FARTING ] >> [ COUGHS ] OHH! 00:03:01.514 --> 00:03:02.849 line:85% position:15% size:8% EW! 00:03:02.916 --> 00:03:04.350 line:85% position:25% size:28% OH, JOSEPH! 00:03:04.417 --> 00:03:05.218 line:85% position:15% size:10% UHH! 00:03:05.285 --> 00:03:07.420 line:79% position:10% size:28% align:start [ FARTS ] >> OH, GOD! 00:03:07.487 --> 00:03:09.689 line:85% position:48% size:75% WHEW! NO MORE FALAFEL FOR YOU. 00:03:09.756 --> 00:03:10.757 line:85% position:23% size:23% >> SORRY. 00:03:10.823 --> 00:03:11.724 line:85% position:18% size:15% AAAAH! 00:03:11.791 --> 00:03:13.359 line:85% position:40% size:60% >> OKAY, OKAY, NOW PUSH. 00:03:13.426 --> 00:03:14.794 line:85% position:18% size:13% PUSH. 00:03:14.861 --> 00:03:18.164 line:79% position:10% size:68% align:start [ ANIMALS FARTING ] OKAY, THAT WAS GOOD, HONEY. 00:03:18.231 --> 00:03:19.432 line:85% position:35% size:48% YOU'RE DOING GREAT. 00:03:19.499 --> 00:03:21.801 line:85% position:45% size:68% I'LL GO GET YOU SOME WATER. 00:03:21.868 --> 00:03:22.936 line:85% position:23% size:25% >> JOSEPH! 00:03:23.002 --> 00:03:25.471 line:79% position:10% size:35% align:start >> [ SQUEALS ] [ FARTS ] 00:03:25.538 --> 00:03:26.439 line:85% position:18% size:15% >> EW! 00:03:26.506 --> 00:03:29.008 line:79% position:10% size:48% align:start [ ANIMALS FARTING ] OH! 00:03:29.075 --> 00:03:31.110 line:85% position:33% size:45% OH, HERE IT COMES! 00:03:31.177 --> 00:03:33.680 line:85% position:20% size:18% AAAAAH! 00:03:33.746 --> 00:03:36.649 line:79% position:10% size:53% align:start [ FARTING CONTINUES ] AAAAAAAH! 00:03:36.716 --> 00:03:38.051 line:85% position:48% size:75% >> OKAY, BABY, KEEP BREATHING. 00:03:38.117 --> 00:03:38.918 line:85% position:30% size:40% THIS IS IT, NOW! 00:03:38.985 --> 00:03:39.953 line:85% position:38% size:53% OH, HONEY, THAT'S IT! 00:03:40.019 --> 00:03:40.687 line:85% position:28% size:33% I CAN SEE IT! 00:03:40.753 --> 00:03:42.055 line:85% position:48% size:73% I CAN SEE THE HEAD! NOW PUSH! 00:03:42.121 --> 00:03:43.856 line:85% position:20% size:20% >> AAAH! 00:03:43.923 --> 00:03:46.559 line:79% position:10% size:43% align:start [ FARTING STOPS ] >> [ CRIES ] 00:03:46.626 --> 00:03:47.760 line:85% position:25% size:30% >> OUR BABY! 00:03:47.827 --> 00:03:50.730 line:79% position:10% size:55% align:start LITTLE JESUS...HE'S SO BEAUTIFUL. 00:03:50.797 --> 00:03:54.033 line:79% position:10% size:73% align:start >> [ FARTS ] >> HELLO? IS EVERYTHING OKAY? 00:03:54.100 --> 00:03:55.234 line:85% position:30% size:40% I HEARD YELLING. 00:03:55.301 --> 00:03:57.070 line:85% position:45% size:68% OH, IT'S VERY DARK IN HERE. 00:03:57.136 --> 00:04:00.273 line:85% position:28% size:35% >> NO-O-O-O-O! 00:04:00.340 --> 00:04:03.176 line:79% position:10% size:75% align:start >> THAT MUST BE THE SIGN WE'RE LOOKING FOR! 00:04:03.242 --> 00:04:07.880 line:79% position:10% size:68% align:start >> THE LORD JESUS CHRIST IS BORN! 00:04:07.947 --> 00:04:09.148 line:85% position:30% size:40% >> WOW! AWESOME! 00:04:09.215 --> 00:04:09.916 line:85% position:20% size:20% GO, DAD! 00:04:09.983 --> 00:04:11.718 line:85% position:43% size:63% >> OH, MY GOODNESS, DEAR! 00:04:11.784 --> 00:04:15.388 line:79% position:10% size:60% align:start [ ELECTRICITY CRACKLES ] OH, MY GOD! 00:04:15.455 --> 00:04:18.858 line:85% position:28% size:35% >> OH, MY GOD! 00:04:18.925 --> 00:04:19.726 line:85% position:25% size:28% OH, MY GOD! 00:04:19.792 --> 00:04:20.560 line:85% position:28% size:35% >> OH, MY GOD! 00:04:20.627 --> 00:04:21.794 line:85% position:23% size:23% >> OH-HO! 00:04:21.861 --> 00:04:23.062 line:85% position:23% size:25% >> OH, NO! 00:04:23.129 --> 00:04:26.199 line:79% position:10% size:38% align:start [ SCREAMING ] [ DOG BARKING ] 00:04:26.265 --> 00:04:29.202 line:85% position:23% size:25% >> AAAAAH! 00:04:29.268 --> 00:04:30.570 line:85% position:25% size:30% I'M ON FIRE! 00:04:30.637 --> 00:04:35.141 line:79% position:10% size:80% align:start [ BOTH SCREAM ] >> AND THAT'S WHY I CONVERTED TO 00:04:35.208 --> 00:04:36.309 line:85% position:20% size:20% JUDAISM. 00:04:36.376 --> 00:04:38.544 line:79% position:10% size:80% align:start >> UH, DAD, THAT'S A GREAT STORY, BUT I THINK YOU FORGOT TO 00:04:38.611 --> 00:04:40.279 line:85% position:38% size:53% BLOW OUT THE MENORAH. 00:04:40.346 --> 00:04:41.881 line:85% position:25% size:28% >> DAMN IT! 00:04:43.016 --> 00:04:43.650 line:85% position:20% size:20% >> BLAM! 00:04:43.716 --> 00:04:45.852 line:85% position:28% size:35% >> MY STUDIES! 00:04:45.918 --> 00:04:47.954 line:85% position:40% size:60% OH! THESE ARE BRAND-NEW. 00:04:48.021 --> 00:04:49.222 line:85% position:25% size:30% >> SLAM! HA! 00:04:49.288 --> 00:04:51.424 line:85% position:33% size:45% THAT'S FOR...UH... 00:04:51.491 --> 00:04:52.959 line:85% position:23% size:23% AH, NERD! 00:04:53.026 --> 00:04:55.395 line:79% position:10% size:33% align:start >> [ GROANS ] [ SIGHS ] 00:04:55.461 --> 00:04:58.264 line:79% position:10% size:30% align:start [ RUMBLING ] WHOA... 00:04:58.331 --> 00:04:59.399 line:85% position:18% size:15% OOMPH! 00:04:59.465 --> 00:05:00.433 line:85% position:25% size:30% MY GOODNESS! 00:05:00.500 --> 00:05:03.736 line:79% position:10% size:75% align:start I'VE FALLEN INTO A STRANGE AND MAGICAL LAND. 00:05:03.803 --> 00:05:08.041 line:79% position:50% size:78% WELL, YOU'RE NO EXCALIBUR, BUT THEN AGAIN, I'M NO KING ARTHUR. 00:05:08.107 --> 00:05:09.676 line:85% position:43% size:65% >> HELLO, THERE, STRANGER. 00:05:09.742 --> 00:05:11.978 line:79% position:10% size:25% align:start I'M MR. -- >> AAH! 00:05:12.045 --> 00:05:17.550 line:85% position:28% size:35% M-M-M-MONSTER! 00:05:17.617 --> 00:05:20.253 line:85% position:20% size:20% MONSTER! 00:05:20.319 --> 00:05:22.088 line:85% position:28% size:33% MONSTER, DIE! 00:05:22.155 --> 00:05:25.191 line:79% position:10% size:28% align:start [ PANTING ] WOW... 00:05:25.258 --> 00:05:27.360 line:85% position:40% size:58% I KILLED THAT CREATURE. 00:05:27.427 --> 00:05:29.328 line:85% position:25% size:28% I'M A HERO! 00:05:29.395 --> 00:05:31.330 line:85% position:40% size:58% GOOD JOB, EXCALIBUR II! 00:05:31.397 --> 00:05:34.133 line:85% position:33% size:43% BUT I'M FREEZING. 00:05:34.200 --> 00:05:36.903 line:79% position:10% size:68% align:start >> I, THE WHITE WITCH, HAVE SENSED A NEW -- 00:05:36.969 --> 00:05:40.139 line:79% position:25% size:30% HOLY [BLEEP] >> MY QUEEN! 00:05:40.206 --> 00:05:41.541 line:85% position:25% size:30% >> OH, UH... 00:05:41.607 --> 00:05:45.445 line:79% position:10% size:73% align:start CARE TO COME TO MY CASTLE AND ENJOY SOME TURKISH DELIGHT? 00:05:45.511 --> 00:05:46.412 line:85% position:25% size:28% >> OH, BOY! 00:05:46.479 --> 00:05:49.615 line:79% position:10% size:65% align:start MY FIRST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE WITHOUT A COMPUTER! 00:05:49.682 --> 00:05:52.251 line:85% position:48% size:75% >> TURKISH DELIGHT IS A CANDY. 00:05:52.318 --> 00:05:54.387 line:85% position:33% size:45% >> OH, BOY! CANDY! 00:05:54.454 --> 00:05:58.424 line:79% position:10% size:80% align:start >> AND NOW, MY CHAMPION, WE WILL DEFEAT MY ENEMY, THE TALKING 00:05:58.491 --> 00:05:59.025 line:85% position:18% size:13% LION! 00:05:59.092 --> 00:06:00.760 line:85% position:43% size:63% >> WHAT?! A TALKING LION? 00:06:00.827 --> 00:06:01.861 line:85% position:18% size:13% PBHT! 00:06:01.928 --> 00:06:05.131 line:79% position:10% size:75% align:start YOU MEAN THERE'S NO DRAGONS OR BALROGS OR RINGWRAITHS? 00:06:05.198 --> 00:06:06.999 line:85% position:48% size:73% >> NO, JUST A TALKING LION... 00:06:07.066 --> 00:06:08.935 line:85% position:45% size:70% who's an allegory for Jesus. 00:06:09.001 --> 00:06:10.403 line:85% position:38% size:55% >> WELL, I DON'T KNOW. 00:06:10.470 --> 00:06:14.107 line:79% position:50% size:75% EVEN A TALKING LION IS PRETTY SCARY, AND I'M NOT ALL THAT -- 00:06:14.173 --> 00:06:17.810 line:79% position:10% size:60% align:start [ GASPS ] YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND. 00:06:17.877 --> 00:06:19.278 line:85% position:33% size:43% WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO! 00:06:19.345 --> 00:06:21.748 line:85% position:45% size:68% THIS IS THE BEST LARP EVER! 00:06:21.814 --> 00:06:26.085 line:79% position:10% size:75% align:start >> LATER, I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO CROSS SWORDS! 00:06:26.152 --> 00:06:29.422 line:79% position:10% size:78% align:start >> AND NOW, YOUNG CHILDREN, MAY THESE GUIDE YOU THROUGH YOUR 00:06:29.489 --> 00:06:30.423 line:85% position:23% size:23% JOURNEYS. 00:06:30.490 --> 00:06:32.925 line:79% position:10% size:78% align:start >> WHY IS SANTA CLAUS GIVING US LETHAL WEAPONS? 00:06:32.992 --> 00:06:34.794 line:85% position:43% size:63% >> THERE HE IS, CHILDREN! 00:06:34.861 --> 00:06:35.661 line:85% position:23% size:23% KILL HIM! 00:06:35.728 --> 00:06:37.530 line:85% position:20% size:20% >> WHEE! 00:06:37.597 --> 00:06:38.731 line:79% position:10% size:55% align:start >> [ GROANS ] >> EAT YOUR HEART OUT, 00:06:48.908 --> 00:06:50.743 line:85% position:38% size:53% "WORLDS OF WARCRAFT"! 00:06:50.810 --> 00:06:53.012 line:79% position:10% size:70% align:start >> [ SIGHS ] THIS IS WHY KIDS SHOULD READ 00:06:53.079 --> 00:06:55.615 line:79% position:10% size:75% align:start GOOD CHRISTIAN FANTASY INSTEAD OF "HARRY POTTER." 00:06:55.681 --> 00:06:58.284 line:79% position:43% size:63% >> YOU SEE THAT PLAY WITH DANIEL RADCLIFFE'S PENIS? 00:06:58.351 --> 00:07:03.589 line:79% position:50% size:80% >> WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT TO ASK THE JESUS-ALLEGORY LION? 00:07:03.656 --> 00:07:04.624 line:85% position:23% size:23% BUT, YES. 00:07:04.690 --> 00:07:06.793 line:85% position:38% size:53% >> WHOO-HOO! HOO-HOO! 00:07:06.859 --> 00:07:09.829 line:85% position:48% size:73% 300 EXPERIENCE POINTS FOR ME! 00:07:09.896 --> 00:07:12.165 line:85% position:43% size:63% GREAT JOB, EXCALIBUR III! 00:07:12.231 --> 00:07:12.965 line:85% position:28% size:33% >> I'M BORED. 00:07:13.032 --> 00:07:14.367 line:85% position:43% size:65% WHERE'D I LEAVE THAT NERD? 00:07:14.433 --> 00:07:16.435 line:79% position:10% size:48% align:start >> [ GASPING ] OH, THANK YOU, SIR. 00:07:16.502 --> 00:07:17.870 line:85% position:43% size:63% IT'S VERY TIGHT IN THERE. 00:07:17.937 --> 00:07:19.138 line:85% position:38% size:53% >> OH, NOT THAT NERD! 00:07:19.205 --> 00:07:21.374 line:79% position:10% size:48% align:start [ HORSE GALLOPING ] >> WHAT THE -- 00:07:21.440 --> 00:07:22.742 line:85% position:33% size:43% >> YEAH! HOO-HOO! 00:07:22.809 --> 00:07:26.946 line:79% position:10% size:75% align:start >> [ WHINNIES ] >> YOU'RE BOTH IN BIG TROUBLE! 00:07:27.013 --> 00:07:28.447 line:85% position:48% size:73% >> It was worth it, my Queen. 00:07:28.514 --> 00:07:31.450 line:79% position:10% size:75% align:start >> I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT THIS WILL GO DOWN ON YOUR PERMANENT 00:07:31.517 --> 00:07:32.118 line:85% position:20% size:20% RECORDS! 00:07:32.185 --> 00:07:33.519 line:85% position:48% size:73% >> YOU CAN'T TELL MY PARENTS. 00:07:33.586 --> 00:07:35.421 line:79% position:10% size:63% align:start >> DO YOU EVEN GO TO THIS SCHOOL?! 00:07:35.488 --> 00:07:37.123 line:85% position:23% size:25% >> DO YOU? 00:07:37.190 --> 00:07:38.291 line:85% position:20% size:20% >> WHOO! 00:07:38.357 --> 00:07:40.293 line:85% position:50% size:80% I LOVE OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTIES! 00:07:40.359 --> 00:07:42.595 line:79% position:10% size:68% align:start >> [ LAUGHS ] OH, DAVE IS A RIOT AT THESE 00:07:42.662 --> 00:07:43.229 line:85% position:20% size:18% THINGS! 00:07:43.296 --> 00:07:44.163 line:85% position:30% size:40% >> BUT I'M DAVE. 00:07:44.230 --> 00:07:46.532 line:79% position:15% size:68% align:start >> THEN WHO'S -- >> DUDE, WE ARE FALLING WAY 00:07:46.599 --> 00:07:47.066 line:85% position:20% size:18% BEHIND. 00:07:47.133 --> 00:07:48.701 line:85% position:38% size:55% LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. 00:07:48.768 --> 00:07:50.736 line:79% position:10% size:60% align:start [ "O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS ] >> AAAAH! 00:07:55.007 --> 00:07:56.209 line:85% position:18% size:15% OOMPH! 00:07:56.275 --> 00:07:57.076 line:85% position:23% size:25% >> OH, NO! 00:07:57.143 --> 00:07:59.078 line:79% position:10% size:73% align:start WE'RE LATE FOR CHRISTMAS PLAY REHEARSAL. 00:07:59.145 --> 00:07:59.979 line:85% position:30% size:38% >> DON'T WORRY. 00:08:00.046 --> 00:08:01.380 line:85% position:43% size:65% CHARLIE BROWN'S IN CHARGE. 00:08:01.447 --> 00:08:03.916 line:79% position:10% size:80% align:start WE CAN JUST IGNORE HIM AND DANCE REPETITIVELY. 00:08:03.983 --> 00:08:06.953 line:85% position:50% size:78% >> I LOVE DANCING REPETITIVELY. 00:08:07.019 --> 00:08:13.292 line:79% position:10% size:53% align:start [ CRICKETS CHIRPING ] [ FOOTSTEPS ] 00:08:13.359 --> 00:08:15.428 line:85% position:40% size:58% >> LINUS! YOU'RE AWAKE! 00:08:15.494 --> 00:08:16.996 line:85% position:43% size:63% >> UH...WHY AM I TIED UP? 00:08:17.063 --> 00:08:20.600 line:79% position:10% size:80% align:start >> BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO WRITE ME THE LOVE LETTER I ALWAYS 00:08:20.666 --> 00:08:21.234 line:85% position:20% size:18% WANTED! 00:08:21.300 --> 00:08:22.301 line:85% position:30% size:38% >> LOVE LETTER? 00:08:22.368 --> 00:08:23.970 line:85% position:45% size:68% I NEED TO GO TO A HOSPITAL. 00:08:24.036 --> 00:08:26.072 line:79% position:10% size:65% align:start >> I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A NURSE. 00:08:26.138 --> 00:08:28.574 line:79% position:10% size:68% align:start THEY HAVE SUCH PRETTY WHITE SHOES. 00:08:28.641 --> 00:08:32.044 line:79% position:10% size:65% align:start >> THINGS LOOK BAD FOR OL' LINUS. 00:08:32.111 --> 00:08:33.946 line:85% position:50% size:78% >> SNOOPY, HAVE YOU SEEN LINUS? 00:08:34.013 --> 00:08:36.849 line:79% position:10% size:73% align:start HE WAS SUPPOSED TO WALK ME TO CHEMO. 00:08:36.916 --> 00:08:39.285 line:85% position:43% size:63% CAN YOU HELP ME FIND HIM? 00:08:39.352 --> 00:08:41.754 line:79% position:10% size:60% align:start [ "BATMAN" THEME PLAYS ] [ SIGHS ] 00:08:53.499 --> 00:08:54.700 line:85% position:25% size:28% GOOD GRIEF. 00:08:54.767 --> 00:08:56.168 line:85% position:43% size:63% >> I MADE SNOWFLAKE SOUP! 00:08:56.235 --> 00:08:59.105 line:79% position:10% size:68% align:start I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKE CATCHING SNOWFLAKES ON YOUR 00:08:59.171 --> 00:09:00.139 line:85% position:20% size:18% TONGUE! 00:09:00.206 --> 00:09:02.608 line:79% position:10% size:78% align:start >> SO, BASICALLY, YOU MADE ME A BOWL OF HOT WATER? 00:09:02.675 --> 00:09:04.744 line:79% position:10% size:45% align:start [ DOORBELL RINGS ] AAAH! 00:09:04.810 --> 00:09:06.913 line:85% position:28% size:35% >> VAL KILMER? 00:09:06.979 --> 00:09:08.547 line:85% position:15% size:10% HEY! 00:09:08.614 --> 00:09:11.050 line:85% position:40% size:60% YOU'RE MY BROTHER'S DOG! 00:09:18.324 --> 00:09:21.027 line:79% position:10% size:75% align:start I SHOULD'VE KNOWN YOU'D FIGURE IT OUT. 00:09:21.093 --> 00:09:22.728 line:85% position:40% size:60% YOU'RE ALWAYS SO SNOOPY! 00:09:22.795 --> 00:09:24.063 line:85% position:20% size:20% OH, HEY! 00:09:24.130 --> 00:09:26.332 line:85% position:45% size:68% SNOOPY -- THAT'S YOUR NAME! 00:09:26.399 --> 00:09:28.234 line:85% position:40% size:58% IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! 00:09:28.301 --> 00:09:29.969 line:79% position:10% size:30% align:start [ LAUGHTER ] AAH! 00:09:35.107 --> 00:09:36.809 line:79% position:10% size:35% align:start [ GRUNTS ] >> OH, MY GOD! 00:09:46.652 --> 00:09:48.387 line:85% position:48% size:73% SHE JUST MURDERED VAL KILMER! 00:09:48.454 --> 00:09:52.258 line:79% position:10% size:80% align:start >> WHERE'S MY LOVE LETTER, SWEET BABOO? 00:09:52.325 --> 00:09:54.060 line:85% position:43% size:63% THIS ISN'T A LOVE LETTER. 00:09:54.126 --> 00:09:55.528 line:85% position:35% size:50% IT'S A CRY FOR HELP. 00:09:55.594 --> 00:09:58.164 line:79% position:10% size:75% align:start DID YOU THINK I'D LET YOU MAIL IT?! 00:09:58.230 --> 00:10:00.232 line:85% position:50% size:75% >> BUT, SALLY, IT'S CHRISTMAS. 00:10:00.299 --> 00:10:01.434 line:85% position:30% size:40% >> YOU'RE RIGHT. 00:10:01.500 --> 00:10:03.169 line:85% position:30% size:40% I ALMOST FORGOT. 00:10:03.235 --> 00:10:05.538 line:79% position:10% size:65% align:start DOES THIS TREE LOOK STURDY ENOUGH? 00:10:05.604 --> 00:10:07.707 line:85% position:35% size:48% >> UH...F-FOR WHAT? 00:10:07.773 --> 00:10:08.207 line:85% position:18% size:15% >> AH! 00:10:08.274 --> 00:10:10.876 line:85% position:33% size:45% >> SCH-U-U-U-ULTZ! 00:10:13.779 --> 00:10:16.282 line:79% position:10% size:40% align:start [ SIGHS ] IT -- IT'S DONE. 00:10:16.349 --> 00:10:17.249 line:85% position:25% size:28% >> REALLY?! 00:10:17.316 --> 00:10:18.384 line:85% position:28% size:35% CAN I READ IT? 00:10:18.451 --> 00:10:21.320 line:79% position:10% size:73% align:start "DEAR SALLY, SEE THE WORDS ON THIS PAGE? 00:10:21.387 --> 00:10:25.157 line:79% position:10% size:80% align:start PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES ON THEM SO YOU DON'T NOTICE THE THING I'M 00:10:25.224 --> 00:10:26.158 line:85% position:28% size:33% ABOUT TO DO." 00:10:26.225 --> 00:10:30.596 line:79% position:10% size:38% align:start WOW, I'M HOOK-- [ GAGGING ] 00:10:30.663 --> 00:10:32.598 line:79% position:10% size:35% align:start >> [ STRAINS ] SHH. SHH. 00:10:38.337 --> 00:10:41.073 line:85% position:38% size:55% IT'S ALMOST OVER. SHH. 00:10:41.140 --> 00:10:42.475 line:79% position:10% size:35% align:start [ THUD ] [ DOOR OPENS ] 00:10:42.541 --> 00:10:44.076 line:85% position:43% size:63% >> LINUS, THANK GOODNESS! 00:10:44.143 --> 00:10:45.945 line:85% position:50% size:78% I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE FOR YOU. 00:10:46.012 --> 00:10:48.581 line:79% position:10% size:68% align:start >> I WAS IN YOUR HOUSE, YOU BLOCKHEAD! 00:10:48.647 --> 00:10:49.648 line:85% position:30% size:40% >> GOOD GRIEF... 00:10:49.715 --> 00:10:51.217 line:85% position:43% size:65% I CAN'T DO ANYTHING RIGHT. 00:10:51.283 --> 00:10:52.785 line:85% position:43% size:65% EVEN MY SISTER'S A PSYCHO. 00:10:52.852 --> 00:10:55.087 line:79% position:10% size:78% align:start >> I NEVER THOUGHT SHE WAS THAT BAD. 00:10:55.154 --> 00:10:57.323 line:79% position:10% size:68% align:start SHE WASN'T THAT BAD AT ALL, REALLY. 00:10:57.390 --> 00:10:59.592 line:79% position:10% size:75% align:start MAYBE SHE JUST NEEDED A LITTLE LOVE. 00:10:59.658 --> 00:11:03.496 line:79% position:10% size:68% align:start >> [ COUGHS ] >> BY THE WAY, VAL KILMER'S 00:11:03.562 --> 00:11:04.563 line:85% position:18% size:13% DEAD. 00:11:04.630 --> 00:11:06.866 line:10% position:10% size:68% align:start [ DRUMS AND TRIANGLE PLAY ] [ DRUMMING STOPS ] 00:11:24.950 --> 00:11:26.419 line:10% position:33% size:45% [ TRIANGLE DINGS ]