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Robot Chicken Xmas Episode 2005

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[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

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TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]

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[DRILL]

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>> IT'S ALIVE!

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[MANIACAL LAUGHING]

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[BELLS JINGLING]

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>> OHH!

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DAD COULD YOU KICK AN

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ANGEL'S ASS?

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>> YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I COULD.

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[THUD]

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>> IS THAT SANTA ON THE ROOF?

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>> WELL, IF NOT, I GOT A

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PRESENT FOR HIM.

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>> OOF!

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>> SANTA!

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SANTA!

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>> OH, MY MOTHER[BEEP] KNEE!

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AW, [BEEP] [BEEP].

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OH, [BEEP] IT ALL TO HELL.

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THAT HURTS LIKE A MOTHER[BEEP].

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>> DAD, WHAT'S A [BEEP]?

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>> HA.

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HUH.

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UH, SO, SANTA, WHAT--WHAT

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HAPPENED?

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>> BANDITS, GOKU.

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THEY STOLE MY REINDEER AND ALL

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THE PRESENTS AND MY PANTS!

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>> HA HA HA!

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CHRISTMAS IS OURS!

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>> YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH

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THIS.

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>> HO HO HO!

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I'VE GOT 5 GOOD REASONS FOR YOU

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TO SHUT UP.

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1, 2, 3, 4, 5!

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>> DAD, WHO ARE THOSE GUYS?

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>> KUNG FU LEGENDS.

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THAT'S THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY,

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WHOSE MYSTICAL DRUM CONJURES

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DEMONS MOST FOUL; THE

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NUTCRACKER, WHO KNOWS OVER 100

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DIFFERENT TESTICLE-BASED

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ATTACKS; AND COMPOSITE SANTA

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CLAUS, WHO LOOKS LIKE ONE HALF

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SANTA AND ONE HALF FROSTY THE

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SNOWMAN.

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>> WHAT ARE COMPOSITE SANTA'S

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POWERS?

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>> I DON'T KNOW, BUT HE FREAKS

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ME RIGHT THE [BEEP] OUT.

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>> INTRUDERS!

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>> I WILL CONJURE A DEMON WITH

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MY MAGICAL DRUM!

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HA HA HA!

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>> SPIRIT BOMB!

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>> YELL IT REALLY LOUD!

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[BOOM]

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>> HOLY [BEEP]!

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>> I'LL GET THIS ONE, DAD.

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YOU'RE NOT SO TOUGH.

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>> TESTICLE ATTACK NUMBER 49!

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>> OW!

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MY DRAGONBALL.

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>> OHHHHHHH...

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>> OHHHHHHH...

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OH, BABY!

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>> OHHHHHHHH!

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>> OK. I GOT NOTHING.

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OH!

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TEMPERATURE'S OVER 32 DEGREES

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FAHRENHEIT, MY ONLY WEAKNESS.

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>> WE...DID IT.

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>> FOOLS!

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>> MRS. SANTA?!

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>> THAT'S RIGHT.

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THE MASTERMIND BEHIND THIS EVIL

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ATTACK ON CHRISTMAS IS ME!

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>> BUT WHY?

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>> IT ALL STARTED AT THE NORTH

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POLE.

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I STARTED GETTING TERRIBLE

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HEADACHES.

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>> MRS. CLAUSE, ARE YOU OK?

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>> AAH!

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AT FIRST, I THOUGHT IT WAS

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MERELY MY PERIOD, BUT THAT WAS

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NOT THE CASE, AS I HIT

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MENOPAUSE CENTURIES AGO.

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[RIM SHOT]

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POLAR RADIATION FORCED AN

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EVOLUTIONARY CHANGE IN ME.

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NOW I WANT REVENGE.

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AAH!

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>> OH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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>> ENOUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!

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>> GOHAN AND I NEED A MINUTE TO

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REST.

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IT'S UP TO YOU FOR NOW.

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>> I--I THINK ONE OF THEM

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POPPED.

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>> IT'S PAYBACK TIME.

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LET'S BEAT HER UP SO BAD HER

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KIDS WILL INHERIT THE BRUISES.

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>> YEAH.

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WE'LL HIT HER SO HARD, SHE'LL

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STARVE TO DEATH ROLLING.

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>> SHE'S SO UGLY, WE'LL PUSH

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HER FACE AND GO AND MAKE

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GORILLA BISCUITS!

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>> SHE'S SO BLACK, WHEN SHE GO

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TO NIGHT SCHOOL, TEACHER MARK

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HER ABSENT!

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>> THAT'S--IT'S STILL MY WIFE,

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GUYS!

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>> KIIIIIILL!

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>> OHH!

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YOUR NOSE SHOOT LASERS?

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>> YOU DIDN'T THINK THERE WAS A

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REASON IT GLOWS RED?

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WHAT DOES YOUR SHOOT?

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>> EWW!

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TO THINK I WANTED TO PLAY YOUR

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GAMES.

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[GROANING]

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>> SHE'S GROWN TOO GIGANTIC AND

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UNSTABLE.

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WOMEN.

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AM I RIGHT, FELLAS?

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>> THE TENKA'ICHI BUDOKAI IS

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FINALLY COMPLETE.

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>> WHAT THE [BEEP] ARE YOU

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TALKING ABOUT?

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WAS THAT EVEN ENGLISH?

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WHAT HAPPENED TO MY WIFE?

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THIS IS THE LAST TIME I BRING

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PRESENTS TO JAPAN.

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[RIM SHOT]

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>> BRING OUT YOUR DEAD.

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>> DECEMBER 24, 4:30 P.M.,

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CHRISTMAS EVE.

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A TIME FOR JOYOUS CELEBRATION,

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A TIME FOR GIFT-GIVING, FOR

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PEACE AND LOVE, A TIME FOR

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MURDER.

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IT WAS THE CHRISTMAS THAT MADE

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EVERYONE CRY--EXCEPT FOR MAYBE

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THE JEWS--BUT WHEN THE EVIDENCE

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POINTED TO MURDER, THE QUESTION

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ON EVERYONE'S MIND BECAME, "WHO

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KILLED CHRISTMAS?"

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[RETCHES]

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PERHAPS NO ONE CAN SHED LIGHT

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ON THIS MYSTERY MORE THAN

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MARTHA CLAUS, THE VICTIM'S WIFE

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OF 43 YEARS.

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>> WE STAYED TOGETHER MOSTLY

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DUE TO LICENSING ISSUES.

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I DOUBT HE WOULD HAVE GOTTEN

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ANY SPONSORSHIP DEALS IF HE

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WERE A DIVORCED SINGLE MAN

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LIVING WITH A BUNCH OF ELVES.

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THEY'D THINK HE WAS GAY.

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>> RUSHED BY GRIEF, THE WIDOW

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CLAUS HAS KEPT A LOW PROFILE

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SINCE THE MURDER, BUT NOT ALL

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WAS WARMTH AND LOVE AT THE

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NORTH POLE.

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DEEP INSIDE SANTA'S FABLED

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WORKSHOP, DISCONTENT HAD BEGUN

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TO SPREAD AMONG THE ANDROGYNOUS

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ELVIN WORKFORCE.

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>> IT WAS ALL ABOUT THE COKE,

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MAN.

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SANTA HAD US ELVES HIDE THE

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BLOW IN THE CRAPPY WOODEN TOYS.

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THEN HE'D MAKE THE DROP...

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>> GIVE ME, GIVE ME TOY!

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GIVE ME, GIVE ME TOY!

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GIVE ME, GIVE ME TOY!

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GIVE ME, GIVE ME TOY!

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GIVE ME, GIVE ME.

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>> AND THE SALE WAS COMPLETE.

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HE TRIED USING SOME DIFFERENT

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WAYS TO SNEAK THE PRODUCT IN.

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[POPPING]

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YOU EVER SEE A YETI WITH A

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DOZEN CONDOMS OF COKE BURST IN

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HIS BELLY?

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[ROARING]

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>> AAH!

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[SCREAMING]

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[ALARM RINGING]

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>> IT'S A BAD SCENE, MAN.

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>> WERE THE ALLEGATIONS TRUE?

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SANTA CLAUS AN INTERNATIONAL

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DRUG PEDDLER?

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>> DRUGS?

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THAT WASN'T NO SECRET, BUT I'LL

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TELL YOU WHAT THE FAT MAN'S

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REAL PROBLEM WAS--WHEN SOME OF

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THE SHIPMENTS STARTED TURNING

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UP A LITTLE LIGHT, YOU FOLLOW

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ME?

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SOMEBODY STARTED HAVING A

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LITTLE PRIVATE PARTY, YOU KNOW

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WHAT I'M SAYING?

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I THINK YOU DO.

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AS FOR WHO?

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WELL, YOU EVER WONDER HOW HIS

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NOSE GOT SO RED.

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>> PUNISHMENT WAS SWIFT FOR

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ANYONE WHO DARED CROSS THE

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BOSS...

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>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

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>> FOR ANYONE CAUGHT BEING

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NAUGHTY AT THE NORTH POLE.

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>> HAPPY BIRTHDA--AAH, AAH,

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AAH, AAH!

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>> WHO KILLED SANTA CLAUS?

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A NEGLECTED HOUSEWIFE,

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COLOMBIAN DRUG RUNNERS, SOME

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RETARD SNOWMAN?

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WE MAY NEVER KNOW WHO KILLED

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SANTA CLAUS, BUT WHOEVER DID IS

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STILL OUT THERE WATCHING,

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WAITING.

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WHO'S NEXT--THE EASTER BUNNY,

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CUPID, THAT LUCKY CHARMS CEREAL

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GUY?

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WHO'S TO SAY, BUT WHEN IT DOES

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HAPPEN, "UNSOLVED CASE FILES"

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WILL BE THERE TO MAKE A BUCK.

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NEXT TIME ON "UNSOLVED CASE

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FILES"...

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THE TACO BELL CHIHUAHUA'S

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CASTRATION--SIMPLE NEUTERING OR

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HATE CRIME?

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>> YO QUIERO MY NUTS.

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>> ♪ PATTY CAKE, PATTY CAKE

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BAKER'S MAN ♪

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>> YEE HA HA HA HOO HOO!

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>> VERILY, I SAY UNTO YOU THAT

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ONE OF YOU SHALL BETRAY ME.

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AAH!

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>> HA HA HA!

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>> JUDAS!

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HA HA HA!

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CHEAP SHOT.

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OH, LUCKY FOR YOU I'M GONNA

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TURN THE OTHER--HA HA HA!

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HA HA HA!

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HEY, HEY, HEY.

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THAT'S MY FLESH YOU'RE THROWING

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THERE.

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[JET FLYING]

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[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

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>> WHERE'S THE BUNNY?

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WIGGLE YOUR BIG TOE.

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GREAT.

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I AM JESUS, YOU KNOW.

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[SPEAKS JAPANESE]

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>> HYAH!

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>> OY!

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>> AAH!

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AAH!

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>> 5-FINGERED PALM OF DEATH.

270
00:09:38,778 --> 00:09:40,379
LET ME TRY THAT AGAIN.

271
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>> THANKS.

272
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>> IT'S WHAT I DO.

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>> YOU DIDN'T THINK IT WOULD BE

274
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THAT EASY, DID YOU?

275
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>> FOR A SECOND THERE, YEAH, I

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KIND OF DID.

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>> ♪ BUCK, BUCK, BUCK

278
00:10:21,587 --> 00:10:22,722
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK

279
00:10:22,788 --> 00:10:25,224
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK

280
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:26,525
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK

281
00:10:26,592 --> 00:10:27,793
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK

282
00:10:27,860 --> 00:10:29,662
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK

283
00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:30,496
BUCK, BUCK

284
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:31,630
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK

285
00:10:31,697 --> 00:10:32,798
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK

286
00:10:32,865 --> 00:10:35,368
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK

287
00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:36,635
BUCK, BUCK, BUCK

288
00:10:36,702 --> 00:10:37,803
B-BUCK, BUCK, BUCK

289
00:10:37,870 --> 00:10:39,772
B-B-BUCK, BUCK, BUCK, BUCK

290
00:10:39,839 --> 00:10:40,940
BUCK ♪

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[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

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00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:44,944
TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]

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[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL

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CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

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--www.ncicap.org--]