1 00:00:03,370 --> 00:00:04,804 [ Whirring ] 2 00:00:04,871 --> 00:00:06,806 [ Theme music plays ] 3 00:00:06,873 --> 00:00:08,908 ♪♪ 4 00:00:08,975 --> 00:00:10,477 [ Whirring ] 5 00:00:10,543 --> 00:00:18,218 ♪♪ 6 00:00:18,284 --> 00:00:20,120 Man: It's alive! 7 00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:29,429 ♪♪ 8 00:00:29,496 --> 00:00:38,772 ♪♪ 9 00:00:38,838 --> 00:00:41,408 Yay, Slinky! How do you like it?! 10 00:00:41,474 --> 00:00:43,276 Terrifying, eh? A bit nauseous? 11 00:00:43,343 --> 00:00:45,645 Don't you love being thrown down the stairs?! 12 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:48,014 Oh, look! You didn't make it all the way down. 13 00:00:48,081 --> 00:00:50,049 I'll tell you what, we'll try again. 14 00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:51,951 Slinky, why?! 15 00:00:52,018 --> 00:00:56,423 For my people! For my people! 16 00:00:56,489 --> 00:00:58,658 Just turned 37. 17 00:01:02,295 --> 00:01:05,265 Captain Planet, there's smog emergency here in China. 18 00:01:05,331 --> 00:01:06,633 Oh, Planeteers, great. 19 00:01:06,699 --> 00:01:08,935 Let me just press pause on that dump I was gonna take. 20 00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:12,639 [ Coughing ] How many times do I have to tell people, 21 00:01:12,705 --> 00:01:14,641 air pollution is a huge problem! 22 00:01:14,707 --> 00:01:18,044 Captain, there has been oil spill at Dakota Access Pipeline. 23 00:01:18,111 --> 00:01:20,045 We've gone over this so often. 24 00:01:20,113 --> 00:01:21,681 Oil spills are deadly 25 00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:23,616 for the indigenous creatures of this planet! 26 00:01:23,683 --> 00:01:26,019 Captain, Captain! 27 00:01:26,085 --> 00:01:27,353 Shut the Fuck up, all right?! 28 00:01:27,420 --> 00:01:29,021 I'm not gonna keep saving this planet 29 00:01:29,088 --> 00:01:30,957 if you people are just gonna keep destroying it! 30 00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:32,459 But you have always helped us. 31 00:01:32,525 --> 00:01:34,060 And it's a losing battle, Linka. 32 00:01:34,127 --> 00:01:36,963 I'm just making up beds in a burning house here! Yeah. 33 00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:39,132 Captain Planet, what's going on? 34 00:01:39,199 --> 00:01:41,935 The humans of the earth are ruining you, Gaia. 35 00:01:42,001 --> 00:01:43,937 Now, I've tried to teach them, but it's no use! 36 00:01:44,003 --> 00:01:45,738 We have to start over. 37 00:01:45,805 --> 00:01:48,308 So be it. What is happening?! 38 00:01:48,374 --> 00:01:52,045 Children of humanity, today is your judgment day! 39 00:01:52,110 --> 00:01:54,747 [ Screaming, Captain Planet laughing ] 40 00:01:54,814 --> 00:01:58,985 I'm Captain Planet! 41 00:01:59,051 --> 00:02:01,721 I'm taking out the trash! 42 00:02:01,788 --> 00:02:04,257 [ Screaming ] 43 00:02:04,324 --> 00:02:09,795 ♪♪ 44 00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:11,664 What are you going to do with all your free time now? 45 00:02:11,731 --> 00:02:14,067 I don't know. I still got that dump on deck. 46 00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:16,436 Kiss me! 47 00:02:16,503 --> 00:02:18,404 Where's this man who says he knows where my uncle 48 00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:22,208 Benjen is? 49 00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:25,245 For the watch. For the watch. 50 00:02:25,311 --> 00:02:27,814 -For the watch. -For the watch. 51 00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:29,215 It was slice to know you! 52 00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:30,517 What the hell was that? 53 00:02:30,583 --> 00:02:31,784 Oh, I was just mixing it up. 54 00:02:31,851 --> 00:02:34,521 No. We're all supposed to say "For the watch." 55 00:02:34,587 --> 00:02:36,322 That's the point -- for the watch, everyone. 56 00:02:36,389 --> 00:02:37,991 But so many people had said that already. 57 00:02:38,057 --> 00:02:39,726 I think he's got the point. 58 00:02:39,792 --> 00:02:41,694 "Got the point!" Oh! 59 00:02:41,761 --> 00:02:42,962 Should I stab him again and say that? 60 00:02:43,029 --> 00:02:44,564 Yeah, you got the point! No. 61 00:02:44,631 --> 00:02:46,165 Hey, what about, "Sorry, Jon. 62 00:02:46,232 --> 00:02:48,401 I know I've always been kind of a prick." 63 00:02:48,468 --> 00:02:50,036 Ha ha ha! 'Cause the sharp thing. 64 00:02:50,103 --> 00:02:52,572 [ Laughing ] That's good! 65 00:02:52,639 --> 00:02:56,341 It's "For the Fucking watch!" 66 00:02:56,409 --> 00:02:59,379 Now say it. Fine. Sorry, guys, sorry. 67 00:02:59,445 --> 00:03:02,615 I'm sorry. For the watch... 68 00:03:02,682 --> 00:03:04,751 me stab you! Yeah! 69 00:03:04,817 --> 00:03:06,419 Stop it! 70 00:03:06,486 --> 00:03:08,588 Po! Po! 71 00:03:08,655 --> 00:03:10,089 La-la! La-la! Po! 72 00:03:10,156 --> 00:03:11,991 [ Giggling ] 73 00:03:12,058 --> 00:03:13,693 Po! Po! 74 00:03:13,760 --> 00:03:15,428 La-la! La-la! 75 00:03:15,495 --> 00:03:17,931 ♪♪ 76 00:03:17,997 --> 00:03:20,733 Oh, my fucking God! Shut up! 77 00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:24,070 I'm tires of wasting my life as your captive audience! 78 00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:26,272 [ Groans ] 79 00:03:26,339 --> 00:03:27,874 Well, it happened -- 80 00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:29,576 I spent my entire life 81 00:03:29,642 --> 00:03:33,046 watching you monkey-faced dildos bounce around, 82 00:03:33,112 --> 00:03:34,914 and now my life is over. 83 00:03:34,981 --> 00:03:37,817 But I'm getting the last laugh, fools! 84 00:03:37,884 --> 00:03:39,752 [ Laughing ] 85 00:03:39,819 --> 00:03:41,754 [ Groans ] 86 00:03:41,821 --> 00:03:45,024 Huh? 87 00:03:45,091 --> 00:03:47,226 [ Ice shattering ] 88 00:03:47,293 --> 00:03:50,163 Solve the riddle of the sphinx or die! 89 00:03:50,228 --> 00:03:54,367 Here it is. Cameron Crowe's 1992 grunge opus. 90 00:03:54,434 --> 00:03:56,569 That's the riddle? Solve it or die! 91 00:03:56,636 --> 00:03:59,172 Seven letters, second to last letter is an "E." 92 00:03:59,238 --> 00:04:01,207 Are you working on a crossword puzzle? 93 00:04:01,274 --> 00:04:03,343 That's none of your concern. 94 00:04:03,409 --> 00:04:07,447 Uh, I'm pretty sure that movie was called "Singles." 95 00:04:07,513 --> 00:04:09,682 Go ahead. You may pass. 96 00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:12,018 Answer my riddle or die. 97 00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,252 Another one? 98 00:04:13,319 --> 00:04:14,754 Okay. Here it is! 99 00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:18,156 Do you want to watch "Singles" at my house tonight? 100 00:04:18,224 --> 00:04:19,892 Bridget Fonda just wants a guy 101 00:04:19,959 --> 00:04:22,095 to say "bless you" when she sneezes. 102 00:04:22,161 --> 00:04:23,596 That part will be important later. 103 00:04:23,663 --> 00:04:27,332 Yeah, I saw this movie in 1992. I can't stop watching it. 104 00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,335 I've seen it five times this week. 105 00:04:29,402 --> 00:04:31,604 Thanks for the recommendation. It wasn't really a -- 106 00:04:31,671 --> 00:04:33,806 Riddle me this -- do you want to go in the bedroom? 107 00:04:33,873 --> 00:04:35,775 Do I die if I answer incorrectly? 108 00:04:35,842 --> 00:04:39,379 Only of horniness! Ha ha ha. Sorry. I'm nervous. 109 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:41,314 Argh! 110 00:04:41,381 --> 00:04:44,584 Uh, how did you get lion herpes? 111 00:04:44,651 --> 00:04:46,085 It's a riddle. 112 00:04:46,152 --> 00:04:47,520 Whistle if you need anything. 113 00:04:47,587 --> 00:04:49,589 You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? 114 00:04:49,656 --> 00:04:53,626 Sure, you just put your lips together and you blow. 115 00:04:53,693 --> 00:04:55,561 'Course I do. 116 00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:59,565 [ Sputtering ] 117 00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:03,803 Good night, Steve. 118 00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:06,906 And in the wake of today's tragic shooting here in Houston, 119 00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:11,144 I want to offer my prayers to my families who lost loved ones. 120 00:05:11,210 --> 00:05:13,046 April O'Neil, New York Channel 6 News. 121 00:05:13,112 --> 00:05:15,148 Mr. Mayor, what connection does the evil Shredder 122 00:05:15,214 --> 00:05:17,150 have to today's shooting? I'm not sure what you mean. 123 00:05:17,216 --> 00:05:19,952 There was a single suspect who later turned the gun on himself. 124 00:05:20,019 --> 00:05:22,288 Mm-hmm. Is it time to bring in some new crime fighters? 125 00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:23,656 I'm afraid we don't have the budget 126 00:05:23,723 --> 00:05:24,957 for additional law enforcement. 127 00:05:25,024 --> 00:05:27,193 I specifically meant the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. 128 00:05:27,260 --> 00:05:30,229 I assume that's a private security company. 129 00:05:30,296 --> 00:05:32,131 More guns on the streets aren't the answer. 130 00:05:32,198 --> 00:05:34,567 They don't use guns, they use katanas, bo staffs, 131 00:05:34,634 --> 00:05:36,836 nunchucks, and fork-like weapons called sais, 132 00:05:36,903 --> 00:05:39,005 which were popularized by Frank Miller's "Electra" comics. 133 00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:40,273 What are you wearing? 134 00:05:40,339 --> 00:05:41,441 Standard issue reporter jumpsuit. 135 00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:42,508 Dude, let her wear it. 136 00:05:42,575 --> 00:05:44,877 You're asking if the City of Houston 137 00:05:44,944 --> 00:05:46,245 should hire ninjas? 138 00:05:46,312 --> 00:05:47,547 Yeah, they mostly work for pizza. 139 00:05:47,613 --> 00:05:50,316 Miss O'Neil, what are you credentials exactly? 140 00:05:50,383 --> 00:05:53,186 I am a ravishing reporter, and sometimes a trained ninja, 141 00:05:53,252 --> 00:05:54,554 depending on which timeline we're in. 142 00:05:54,620 --> 00:05:55,588 Uh, who's next? You. 143 00:05:55,655 --> 00:05:57,256 J. Jonah Jameson, "Daily Bugle." 144 00:05:57,323 --> 00:05:59,125 I demand you arrest Spider-Man. 145 00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:00,493 He's a menace! 146 00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:03,162 May I present to you the ninth wonder of the world -- 147 00:06:03,229 --> 00:06:06,165 the only flying elephant -- Dumbo! 148 00:06:06,232 --> 00:06:07,467 [ Crows laughing ] 149 00:06:07,533 --> 00:06:09,302 Did you ever see an elephant fly? 150 00:06:09,368 --> 00:06:12,171 -I've seen a horse-fly. -I've seen a dragonfly. 151 00:06:12,238 --> 00:06:13,372 I've seen a house fly. 152 00:06:13,439 --> 00:06:15,842 I've seen a man eat his own butt! 153 00:06:17,477 --> 00:06:19,612 Oh, what, we're not sharing anymore? 154 00:06:21,614 --> 00:06:22,982 Angela? 155 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,384 Slender Man, I knew you'd find me one day. 156 00:06:25,451 --> 00:06:27,854 I drew your picture all over my Trapper Keeper. 157 00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:30,456 I need you to do things, Angela. 158 00:06:30,523 --> 00:06:32,258 Anything for you, o Slender Man. 159 00:06:32,325 --> 00:06:35,895 You know that little bitch in your math class -- Nicole?! 160 00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:37,396 Yes, I hate her! 161 00:06:37,463 --> 00:06:40,032 What do you want me to do, stab her, burn her -- what? 162 00:06:40,099 --> 00:06:42,135 Invite her to your birthday party. 163 00:06:42,201 --> 00:06:43,669 Um, what? Why? 164 00:06:43,736 --> 00:06:45,404 It's time you two settled your differences. 165 00:06:45,471 --> 00:06:47,106 Be the bigger person. But I hate her! 166 00:06:47,173 --> 00:06:48,541 Don't fucking] argue with me, Angela! 167 00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:49,976 I'm fucking Slender Man! 168 00:06:50,042 --> 00:06:51,277 Okay, okay. 169 00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:53,913 I need you to do something else. Anything! 170 00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:56,015 Try to study an extra 30 minutes a day. 171 00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:57,683 I think you'll see a marked improvement in your grades. 172 00:06:57,750 --> 00:06:58,683 Uh... 173 00:06:58,751 --> 00:06:59,986 You said you'd do anything 174 00:07:00,052 --> 00:07:01,120 for Slender Man! 175 00:07:01,187 --> 00:07:03,256 Is 30 minutes a day too fucking much to ask, 176 00:07:03,322 --> 00:07:04,957 or should I go and ask that bitch Nicole?! 177 00:07:05,024 --> 00:07:08,761 No, no, I'll do it! Now I must go... 178 00:07:08,828 --> 00:07:10,897 [ Whooshing ] 179 00:07:10,963 --> 00:07:13,099 Uh, hi, Nicole. Happy birthday, Angela. 180 00:07:13,166 --> 00:07:15,101 I'm so glad you invited me to your party. 181 00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:19,071 Angela! I need you to do something for me. 182 00:07:19,138 --> 00:07:20,640 More caky for Slendy? 183 00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:24,544 Ugh! Never meet your heroes! 184 00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:25,745 Dear diary. 185 00:07:25,812 --> 00:07:27,680 I wonder what I look like. 186 00:07:27,747 --> 00:07:30,582 Am I beautiful? Am I ugly? 187 00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:32,485 Will I ever know love? 188 00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:34,020 Why won't Kevin look at me? 189 00:07:36,022 --> 00:07:38,191 Uh! What does the surgeon general know. 190 00:07:38,257 --> 00:07:40,159 He's probably full of shit! 191 00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:43,763 ♪♪ 192 00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:46,299 Parker, never come in here without new Spider-Man photos. 193 00:07:46,365 --> 00:07:47,466 I need more, more, more! 194 00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:48,835 I've got one right here, Mr. Jameson! 195 00:07:48,901 --> 00:07:51,003 Gimme that! Get out! You have more? Get out! 196 00:07:51,070 --> 00:07:53,906 ♪♪ 197 00:07:53,973 --> 00:07:56,742 True love -- so pure, so secret. 198 00:07:56,808 --> 00:08:00,246 Will I ever really know you, my Spider-Man? 199 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:03,282 Honey, listen, I love that we work together at the CIA, 200 00:08:03,349 --> 00:08:05,451 but you have to tell me when you come home early. 201 00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:06,552 What's going on? 202 00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:08,187 Baby, this guy is a Russian agent 203 00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:10,156 who had plastic surgery to take my place. 204 00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,390 Just shoot him! No, baby, 205 00:08:11,457 --> 00:08:12,425 he is the Russian agent! 206 00:08:12,491 --> 00:08:13,893 There's only one way to be sure. 207 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,128 I'm gonna ask you a question that only my husband would know. 208 00:08:16,195 --> 00:08:17,530 What's my favorite TV show. 209 00:08:17,597 --> 00:08:19,465 Oh, I know, uh, "American Pickers." 210 00:08:19,532 --> 00:08:21,167 "Price is Right"? Okay, strike that. 211 00:08:21,234 --> 00:08:22,435 When's my birthday? 212 00:08:22,501 --> 00:08:23,703 I should know that. 213 00:08:23,769 --> 00:08:24,971 I should know that, too. 214 00:08:25,037 --> 00:08:26,172 Uh, fine, whatever! 215 00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:27,673 Okay, quick, what do I like most in bed? 216 00:08:27,740 --> 00:08:30,509 Oh, uh -- is it butt stuff? Oh, when I come first! 217 00:08:30,576 --> 00:08:32,078 Screw it. 218 00:08:34,679 --> 00:08:37,717 So you see it was not a stone that made the soup, 219 00:08:37,783 --> 00:08:40,385 it was all of you contributing ingredients. 220 00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:42,621 And it was a huge shocker that none of you, 221 00:08:42,688 --> 00:08:47,360 not a single one figured it out. 222 00:08:47,426 --> 00:08:50,997 Never speak a word about this communal embarrassment. 223 00:08:51,063 --> 00:08:53,065 Agreed? All: Agreed! 224 00:08:53,132 --> 00:08:55,568 You have had an interesting week. 225 00:08:55,635 --> 00:08:58,771 Your mother said the EMTs were called to your house. 226 00:08:58,838 --> 00:09:00,239 Yes. And they had to use 227 00:09:00,306 --> 00:09:01,540 the jaws of life. 228 00:09:01,607 --> 00:09:02,975 I do not know because I was unconscious. 229 00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:05,144 Because your penis was... 230 00:09:05,211 --> 00:09:06,779 Stuck in the vacuum cleaner. 231 00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:09,615 Because... Ugh... 232 00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:12,451 I wanted to see what it was like to get a BJ from a Transformer. 233 00:09:12,518 --> 00:09:14,353 Before you say anything, it's less weird than you think 234 00:09:14,420 --> 00:09:15,955 because Transformers have gender, 235 00:09:16,022 --> 00:09:17,790 and some of the character designs are really sexy. 236 00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:19,225 And also on a tangential note, 237 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,227 vacuum cleaners really need a dead man's switch, 238 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,162 like lawn mowers for obvious reasons. 239 00:09:23,229 --> 00:09:27,466 Okay. There's nothing wrong with having a rich fantasy life. 240 00:09:27,533 --> 00:09:31,103 But when an individual can't discern imagination 241 00:09:31,170 --> 00:09:32,838 from reality... Agh! 242 00:09:32,905 --> 00:09:34,307 What's wrong? There's a yellow-eyed, 243 00:09:34,373 --> 00:09:37,143 gray-skinned, big, fat dead circus freak in the closet! 244 00:09:37,209 --> 00:09:38,377 Sounds like my mother-in-law. 245 00:09:38,444 --> 00:09:40,613 Ha, I'm just kidding. Her eyes are hazel. 246 00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:43,082 But let's get back to these worrisome delusions 247 00:09:43,149 --> 00:09:44,483 about pop culture. 248 00:09:44,550 --> 00:09:46,352 Hello, sailor. Oh, my gosh! 249 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,888 It's Aubrey Plaza from "Parks and Recreation," 250 00:09:48,955 --> 00:09:50,923 popularly shortened to "Parks and Rec." 251 00:09:50,990 --> 00:09:53,326 And when I say popularly, that is a relative term, 252 00:09:53,392 --> 00:09:55,461 because, boy, were your ratings terrible. 253 00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:56,829 No offense. Shh. It's me -- 254 00:09:56,896 --> 00:09:58,064 your old pal Lenny. 255 00:09:58,130 --> 00:09:59,932 Is Nick Offerman really earthy? 256 00:09:59,999 --> 00:10:02,802 He seems really earthy. He loves woodworking. 257 00:10:02,868 --> 00:10:04,470 The man's a treasure, but damn it, kid, 258 00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:06,005 this is "Legion" on FX. 259 00:10:06,072 --> 00:10:07,907 Didn't the hog-beast in the closet tip you off? 260 00:10:07,974 --> 00:10:09,809 Wait, Chris Christie is on "Legion"? 261 00:10:09,875 --> 00:10:11,911 Listen, you have hidden powers! 262 00:10:11,978 --> 00:10:14,013 You can alter time and space. 263 00:10:14,080 --> 00:10:15,314 I can?! 264 00:10:15,381 --> 00:10:17,083 And once we team up, the two of us will-- 265 00:10:17,149 --> 00:10:21,354 Aagh! Oh, shit! Forget it, he's gone. 266 00:10:21,420 --> 00:10:24,056 He's a teenage boy with the powers of a god. 267 00:10:24,123 --> 00:10:26,192 He could be on Jupiter for all we know. 268 00:10:26,258 --> 00:10:29,061 He could be anywhere, doing anything! 269 00:10:31,564 --> 00:10:34,767 What are you doing with my vacuum cleaner?! 270 00:10:34,834 --> 00:10:36,235 Nothing, Mom! Gosh! 271 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:38,337 Oh, it looked like your penis was in it! 272 00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:39,905 I'm -- I'm burning toast. 273 00:10:39,972 --> 00:10:41,307 Phew! 274 00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:44,477 Called upon the fight the Decepticons once again, 275 00:10:44,543 --> 00:10:47,913 Autobots transform and suck the-- 276 00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:50,349 Agh! 277 00:10:50,415 --> 00:10:57,056 [ Screaming continues ] 278 00:10:57,123 --> 00:10:59,859 [ Screaming stops, vacuum motor whirring ] 279 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,035 Stupid monkey.