1 00:00:03,370 --> 00:00:04,971 [ Whirring ] 2 00:00:05,038 --> 00:00:07,040 [ Theme music plays ] 3 00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:11,511 [ Whirring ] 4 00:00:18,351 --> 00:00:19,786 Man: It's alive! 5 00:00:27,827 --> 00:00:29,829 [ Thunder rumbles ] 6 00:00:38,238 --> 00:00:40,106 ♪ My little pony 7 00:00:40,173 --> 00:00:41,808 ♪ My little pony 8 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:43,510 ♪ What a wonderful world 9 00:00:43,576 --> 00:00:44,644 [ Donkey brays ] 10 00:00:44,711 --> 00:00:46,646 We didn't come here to see you dancing! 11 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,047 Fuck that donkey! 12 00:00:48,114 --> 00:00:50,083 Yeah, blow your load in her face, donkey! 13 00:00:50,150 --> 00:00:52,385 [ Jeering, laughter ] 14 00:00:52,452 --> 00:00:53,653 [ Laughing ] 15 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:54,654 ♪ My little pony 16 00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:56,322 ♪ My little pony 17 00:00:56,389 --> 00:00:59,025 [ Guitar solo ] 18 00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:03,897 [ Rabbit squeaks ] 19 00:01:03,963 --> 00:01:05,899 [ Guitar solo ] 20 00:01:05,965 --> 00:01:07,901 [ Birds chirping ] 21 00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:09,269 [ Car horn honking ] 22 00:01:09,335 --> 00:01:10,503 Man: Out of the way! 23 00:01:10,570 --> 00:01:13,173 I'm sorry. This seat is taken. 24 00:01:13,239 --> 00:01:14,574 I was sitting here earlier. 25 00:01:14,641 --> 00:01:17,110 I just went to get some popcorn, and now I've returned. 26 00:01:17,176 --> 00:01:18,912 Buddy, my girlfriend is sitting here. 27 00:01:18,978 --> 00:01:19,846 This seat is taken. 28 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:20,914 [ Dramatic music plays ] 29 00:01:20,980 --> 00:01:23,049 Do you know who I am? 30 00:01:23,116 --> 00:01:24,217 Uh...no. 31 00:01:24,283 --> 00:01:25,985 Duh, do you know who I am? 32 00:01:26,051 --> 00:01:27,487 [ Mumbles stupidly ] 33 00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:30,623 No, I don't know who you are, but I have a very particular -- 34 00:01:30,690 --> 00:01:32,358 Shh, quiet! 35 00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:35,495 [ Whispering ] No, I don't know who you are, but I have a very particular -- 36 00:01:35,562 --> 00:01:38,097 What? I can't hear you. 37 00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:40,300 No, I don't know who you are, 38 00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:42,669 but I have a very particular set of skills -- 39 00:01:42,735 --> 00:01:44,170 skills I have acquired. 40 00:01:44,237 --> 00:01:46,104 Buddy, he said the seat's taken! 41 00:01:46,172 --> 00:01:47,240 I was sitting here! 42 00:01:47,307 --> 00:01:48,274 Will you be quiet?! 43 00:01:48,341 --> 00:01:50,276 I was sitting here! 44 00:01:50,343 --> 00:01:52,212 I'm sorry, Miss, but that seat is taken. 45 00:01:52,277 --> 00:01:53,913 Yeah, no shit -- by me! 46 00:01:53,979 --> 00:01:55,682 Look, if you let me sit there now, 47 00:01:55,747 --> 00:01:57,183 that will be the end of it. 48 00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:59,485 I will not look for you. I will not pursue you. 49 00:01:59,551 --> 00:02:00,653 But if you don't -- 50 00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:01,888 Uh, is there a problem? 51 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,189 This guy is bothering us. 52 00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:04,858 Come on, buddy, find a seat. 53 00:02:07,494 --> 00:02:11,331 I will find you, and I will kill you! 54 00:02:11,397 --> 00:02:12,832 [ Taser zapping ] 55 00:02:12,899 --> 00:02:14,534 [ Groaning ] 56 00:02:14,601 --> 00:02:16,669 [ Engine revs ] 57 00:02:16,736 --> 00:02:18,638 [ Fireworks popping ] 58 00:02:18,704 --> 00:02:21,007 We gather now to lay to rest Evel Knievel, 59 00:02:21,074 --> 00:02:23,743 who died after a long struggle with heart disease, 60 00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:27,213 and I'm pretty sure what we just did with the corpse was illegal, 61 00:02:27,280 --> 00:02:29,482 but let none ever say to us not awesome. 62 00:02:29,549 --> 00:02:30,984 [ Crying ] 63 00:02:31,050 --> 00:02:32,151 [ French accent ] Don't cry, my dear. 64 00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:34,387 It's said the human head remains alive 65 00:02:34,454 --> 00:02:36,623 for a brief moment after decapitation. 66 00:02:36,689 --> 00:02:38,691 Once my head falls into the basket, 67 00:02:38,758 --> 00:02:41,261 allow your beauty to be the last thing I see, 68 00:02:41,327 --> 00:02:44,329 and I will bestow one final wink upon you. 69 00:02:44,397 --> 00:02:45,732 [ All gasp ] 70 00:03:01,748 --> 00:03:04,350 I don't think he's gonna wink. 71 00:03:04,417 --> 00:03:06,486 -Polly! -Whoo! 72 00:03:06,553 --> 00:03:08,021 Polly, this boat is so on fleek, 73 00:03:08,087 --> 00:03:09,822 it's fleeker than a box of corn flakes! 74 00:03:09,889 --> 00:03:11,524 First of all, it's not a boat. 75 00:03:11,591 --> 00:03:13,526 It's my so-hip cruise ship! 76 00:03:13,593 --> 00:03:14,794 Whoo! 77 00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:17,163 Polly, I see lots of accessories 78 00:03:17,230 --> 00:03:19,299 but no navigation equipment. 79 00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:21,834 We could be dangerously off course! 80 00:03:21,901 --> 00:03:23,536 Whoo! 81 00:03:23,603 --> 00:03:25,238 Oh, my God, you guys -- pirates! 82 00:03:25,305 --> 00:03:27,040 [ Foreign accent ] This vessel belong to me now! 83 00:03:27,106 --> 00:03:28,575 Prepare to be boarded! 84 00:03:30,343 --> 00:03:33,413 You dare to mock me with your smiling Western faces?! 85 00:03:33,478 --> 00:03:35,815 Stop making me self-conscious about my English! 86 00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:38,785 I never made it past ESL English for Pirates! 87 00:03:38,851 --> 00:03:41,087 They wanted $400 per credit hour! 88 00:03:41,154 --> 00:03:42,522 I mean, what am I supposed to do? 89 00:03:42,589 --> 00:03:44,490 Hey, boss, you are arguing with stickers. 90 00:03:44,557 --> 00:03:48,795 Go away, you nasty pirates, or you'll be sorry! 91 00:03:48,861 --> 00:03:50,228 -That's right! -You'll be sorry! 92 00:03:50,296 --> 00:03:51,898 You better not be stickers! 93 00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:53,833 They are not stickers, boss. 94 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:57,070 Oh, you're just a bunch of girls and effeminate boys! 95 00:03:57,136 --> 00:03:59,105 I have no rebuttal. 96 00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:00,540 Oh, go away! 97 00:04:00,607 --> 00:04:03,576 Your stupid boat doesn't even have any accessories! 98 00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:06,646 Yeah, yeah, we have all the accessories we need right here! 99 00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:08,681 [ Machine-gun fire ] 100 00:04:08,748 --> 00:04:11,985 [ Laughs ] They call those accessories?! 101 00:04:12,051 --> 00:04:14,754 I'll show them accessories! 102 00:04:14,821 --> 00:04:16,154 [ Mechanized whirring ] 103 00:04:16,221 --> 00:04:19,826 Eat shit from my so-hip cruise ship! 104 00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:21,793 No, boss, it's girl club! 105 00:04:21,861 --> 00:04:23,496 No, we're sinking! 106 00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:25,164 [ Bubbling ] 107 00:04:25,231 --> 00:04:28,134 Aah! Shark B.J.! 108 00:04:28,201 --> 00:04:30,603 [ Screaming ] 109 00:04:30,670 --> 00:04:31,704 Accessories! 110 00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:33,006 Shark food! 111 00:04:33,072 --> 00:04:36,109 Um, I think we're accessories -- to murder! 112 00:04:36,175 --> 00:04:37,877 [ Laughs ] Yeah! 113 00:04:37,944 --> 00:04:39,379 ♪ Polly! 114 00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:41,047 [ Mid-tempo music plays ] 115 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,383 That is so not fleek. 116 00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:46,152 Hey, baby. 117 00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:48,655 The only reason I'd kick you out of bed 118 00:04:48,721 --> 00:04:51,057 would be to fuck you on the floor. 119 00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:53,860 Oh, dear, no. I have a bad hip. 120 00:04:53,926 --> 00:04:57,196 That's right -- talk dirty to me. 121 00:04:57,263 --> 00:04:59,565 Waffle Face, I hear you're the best hitman 122 00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:02,068 this side of Atlantic City, but I got to ask, 123 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:04,070 how'd you get a waffle for a face? 124 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:07,607 Oh, well, originally, I had a pancake for a face, 125 00:05:07,674 --> 00:05:10,643 see, until the Triads put my head in a waffle iron! 126 00:05:10,710 --> 00:05:12,912 Ever since then -- Waffle Face! 127 00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:15,248 [ Laughs maniacally ] Look at me, look! 128 00:05:15,314 --> 00:05:18,151 Hey, pal, if someone asks you how you got a waffle for a face, 129 00:05:18,217 --> 00:05:20,553 I can pretty much guarantee they ain't askin' you 130 00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:23,256 to back up to the part where you had a pancake for a face 131 00:05:23,322 --> 00:05:24,490 and now it's a waffle. 132 00:05:24,557 --> 00:05:25,758 But that's how it happened, hey. 133 00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,994 If you're gonna make me sit here 134 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:29,996 and ask a follow-up question 135 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:33,199 as to how your head went from a human head to a pancake head 136 00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:35,334 prior to it becoming a waffle head -- 137 00:05:35,401 --> 00:05:38,471 I am gonna put a bullet between your big-ass cartoon eyes! 138 00:05:38,538 --> 00:05:39,739 Okay, okay, okay! 139 00:05:39,806 --> 00:05:42,241 My head was flattened by a steamroller. 140 00:05:42,308 --> 00:05:44,277 That's how it became a pancake! 141 00:05:44,343 --> 00:05:45,078 Thank you. 142 00:05:45,144 --> 00:05:46,079 Prior to that, 143 00:05:46,145 --> 00:05:47,647 it was more of a big coffee cake. 144 00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:48,581 [ Laughs ] 145 00:05:48,648 --> 00:05:50,016 I'll kill you! 146 00:05:50,082 --> 00:05:51,284 [ Gunfire ] 147 00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:52,985 Man: He's expected to break the record 148 00:05:53,052 --> 00:05:54,687 for solving a Rubik's Cube one-handed. 149 00:05:54,754 --> 00:05:56,322 [ Buzzer ] 150 00:05:56,389 --> 00:05:57,623 And he did it! [ Cheers and applause ] 151 00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:59,759 You know, that kid is either gonna get more pussy 152 00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:02,061 than he can handle or he'll kill himself within a week. 153 00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:03,396 Smart money's on the suicide. 154 00:06:03,463 --> 00:06:05,298 You know, we can always hope for the pussy. 155 00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:07,100 But it's usually suicide. 156 00:06:07,166 --> 00:06:09,302 [ Coins clattering ] 157 00:06:12,739 --> 00:06:13,673 [ Gasps ] 158 00:06:13,740 --> 00:06:14,941 [ Poink! Poink! ] 159 00:06:15,007 --> 00:06:17,810 "Dear Diary, the school talent show is tomorrow, 160 00:06:17,877 --> 00:06:21,080 so I spent all week writing a stand-up comedy routine." 161 00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:23,950 I just hope Patti likes it. 162 00:06:24,016 --> 00:06:26,819 Oh, hey, baby! Where you from -- Texas? 163 00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:29,355 Bend over and show us your Lone Star! 164 00:06:29,422 --> 00:06:31,224 Oh! 165 00:06:31,290 --> 00:06:33,593 [ Mumbling ] 166 00:06:33,659 --> 00:06:36,796 Man: Hey, Funny! Is your middle name Nut? 167 00:06:36,863 --> 00:06:37,630 [ Laughter ] 168 00:06:37,697 --> 00:06:39,098 Ooh! 169 00:06:39,165 --> 00:06:42,168 I mean [chuckles nervously] bitches be crazy, huh? 170 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,536 Oh! 171 00:06:43,603 --> 00:06:46,272 Kathy, sweetie, that photo is 15 years old. 172 00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:48,841 You are ruining the integrity of Tinder. 173 00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:50,443 [ Sighs ] Fine, just shut up already. 174 00:06:50,510 --> 00:06:52,044 [ Camera shutter clicks ] I look fat. 175 00:06:52,111 --> 00:06:53,646 You look beautiful. 176 00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:55,581 [ Chimes ] Ooh! I got a match. 177 00:06:55,648 --> 00:06:57,750 His name's Bill. Ooh! 178 00:06:57,817 --> 00:07:00,920 Aah! Help! Somebody help me! 179 00:07:00,987 --> 00:07:02,321 Fuck you, Tinder! 180 00:07:02,388 --> 00:07:04,624 [ Dance music plays ] 181 00:07:04,690 --> 00:07:07,960 Great big fat person -- swipe right. 182 00:07:08,027 --> 00:07:10,730 Skinny man -- swipe left. 183 00:07:10,797 --> 00:07:13,933 Radcliffe, it's official. You have 50 pregnant females. 184 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,568 How is that possible? 185 00:07:15,635 --> 00:07:20,807 Remember, darling, only 15 of our 101 dalmatians were related. 186 00:07:20,873 --> 00:07:24,143 Clearly, the unrelated ones had sex! 187 00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:26,045 Actually, siblings get it on all the time. 188 00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:28,581 Why, it wouldn't surprise me if Pongo and Perdita over there 189 00:07:28,648 --> 00:07:30,416 were having sex with their own children, 190 00:07:30,483 --> 00:07:32,084 uh, likely while the others watched. 191 00:07:32,151 --> 00:07:33,486 Jesus! 192 00:07:33,553 --> 00:07:36,389 Can't believe I had to give up songwriting for a day job. 193 00:07:36,455 --> 00:07:38,925 Lousy dalmatians eating me out of house and home! 194 00:07:38,991 --> 00:07:41,260 [ Dogs barking ] Aah! 195 00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:43,963 These things breed like fruit flies. 196 00:07:44,030 --> 00:07:46,399 It's a population-control issue. 197 00:07:46,465 --> 00:07:47,933 [ Sighs ] We were wrong to think 198 00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,435 you were a bad person, Cruella. 199 00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:50,903 [ Laughs ] 200 00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:53,472 Oh, there's no such thing as evil, you know? 201 00:07:53,539 --> 00:07:55,842 Everyone is the hero of their own story. 202 00:07:55,908 --> 00:07:59,645 We really don't need a sociology lesson. 203 00:07:59,712 --> 00:08:01,113 [ Cackles ] 204 00:08:01,180 --> 00:08:05,051 I love it when my wife sends me to the -- grocery gore! 205 00:08:05,117 --> 00:08:06,752 [ Cackles ] 206 00:08:06,819 --> 00:08:07,954 Ew, tampons? 207 00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:09,889 Young woman: Wash your car, mister? 208 00:08:09,956 --> 00:08:13,426 We're raising money for Monster High's fearleading team. 209 00:08:13,492 --> 00:08:15,862 [ Transylvanian accent ] Oh, it'd be a bloody shame 210 00:08:15,928 --> 00:08:17,864 if us ghouls couldn't raise enough money! 211 00:08:17,930 --> 00:08:19,732 Without us, how will the Mansters 212 00:08:19,799 --> 00:08:21,601 ever win another casketball game? 213 00:08:21,667 --> 00:08:25,972 What...the fuck are you doing?! 214 00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:27,240 We're having a car wash. 215 00:08:27,306 --> 00:08:28,574 I mean the puns! 216 00:08:28,641 --> 00:08:30,343 I'm the Crypt Keeper! 217 00:08:30,409 --> 00:08:32,778 Slays on words are my thing! 218 00:08:32,845 --> 00:08:35,114 I've never even heard of you! Blah! 219 00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:37,515 Yeah, if you don't want us to wash that filthy piece of shit, 220 00:08:37,582 --> 00:08:39,919 just get out of our slay. 221 00:08:39,986 --> 00:08:41,120 [ Laughter ] 222 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:42,755 You're so punny! 223 00:08:42,822 --> 00:08:45,224 I just made that fucking pun! 224 00:08:45,290 --> 00:08:46,492 What the fuck. [ School bell rings ] 225 00:08:46,559 --> 00:08:48,961 What the fuck. Hello, boys and ghouls. 226 00:08:49,028 --> 00:08:50,396 What the fuck. 227 00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:52,298 Welcome to Monster High, stranger. 228 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,267 I'm headless Headmistress Bloodgood. 229 00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:56,936 Well, Principal Goodhead, I'm the Crypt Keeper, 230 00:08:57,003 --> 00:08:59,305 and I'm here to shut this shit show down! 231 00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,573 What ever do you mean? 232 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:03,409 The puns, man! You're stealing my whole life! 233 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:06,879 Come on! Fearleading squad, casketball team?! 234 00:09:06,946 --> 00:09:10,449 Oh, it sounds like you want to speak to the hizzay, 235 00:09:10,516 --> 00:09:13,152 our physical deaducation teacher. 236 00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,253 Oh, goddamn it! 237 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:15,621 He's an invisible man. 238 00:09:15,688 --> 00:09:17,857 He's fright behind you, as a matter of fact. 239 00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:19,792 [ School bell rings ] Listen, knob job, 240 00:09:19,859 --> 00:09:21,227 either back off my schtick 241 00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:23,996 or you can kiss this bulimic emo gangbang goodbye! 242 00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:25,765 Trust me, I'm a shell of a man 243 00:09:25,831 --> 00:09:28,801 with nothing left to lose, and -- 244 00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:30,503 And I'm talking to the air. 245 00:09:30,569 --> 00:09:31,570 Fuck it! 246 00:09:32,538 --> 00:09:34,307 [ Cackles ] 247 00:09:34,373 --> 00:09:36,075 Mr. Crypt Keeper, you stand accused 248 00:09:36,142 --> 00:09:38,344 of committing 448 counts of first-degree murder. 249 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:40,179 What do you have to say for yourself? 250 00:09:40,246 --> 00:09:43,616 Well, first of all, I find myself here in "Fright Court" -- 251 00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:45,351 I told you before, this is not "Night Court." 252 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:46,686 It's just a regular court. 253 00:09:46,752 --> 00:09:48,254 Well, thanks for stepping on the bit. Can I finish? 254 00:09:48,321 --> 00:09:50,222 How can I be blamed for murder 255 00:09:50,289 --> 00:09:52,758 when the entire school glamorized death?! 256 00:09:52,825 --> 00:09:54,961 Monster High was wholesome fun! 257 00:09:55,027 --> 00:09:58,297 That vampire chick, Draculara, her daddy's Dracula! 258 00:09:58,364 --> 00:10:01,100 That guy's put more high-quality gash in the ground 259 00:10:01,167 --> 00:10:02,335 than plate tectonics! 260 00:10:02,401 --> 00:10:03,636 [ Spectators murmuring ] 261 00:10:03,703 --> 00:10:06,105 I don't completely understand what you just said, 262 00:10:06,172 --> 00:10:08,240 but I am a vegan! 263 00:10:08,307 --> 00:10:11,010 Okay, veganism was a 20th-century invention. 264 00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:12,878 Aren't you 1,600 years old? 265 00:10:12,945 --> 00:10:16,315 What'd you snack on for the first 15 centuries? 266 00:10:16,382 --> 00:10:17,950 You got me. [ Chuckles ] 267 00:10:18,017 --> 00:10:19,218 Blood of the innocent. 268 00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:21,954 Monster High was a monument to murder! 269 00:10:22,021 --> 00:10:25,324 All I did was carry it to its logical conclusion! 270 00:10:25,391 --> 00:10:26,492 [ Cheers and applause ] 271 00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:27,426 Case dismissed! 272 00:10:27,493 --> 00:10:28,627 That's it?! 273 00:10:28,694 --> 00:10:30,730 I had a whole bit about a hung jury! 274 00:10:30,796 --> 00:10:32,031 [ Cackles ] 275 00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:33,665 Hey, where's everyone's go-- ah, shit. 276 00:10:33,733 --> 00:10:34,700 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk 277 00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:36,035 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk 278 00:10:36,102 --> 00:10:38,037 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 279 00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:39,205 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk 280 00:10:39,271 --> 00:10:40,539 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk 281 00:10:40,606 --> 00:10:42,375 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 282 00:10:42,441 --> 00:10:43,376 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk 283 00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:44,710 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk 284 00:10:44,777 --> 00:10:46,712 ♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk wawk bawk bawk ♪ 285 00:10:46,779 --> 00:10:48,914 Ba-gawk! Bawk. 286 00:10:58,691 --> 00:10:59,658 [ Tink! ]