[ THUNDER CRASHING ]
[ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ]
>> IT'S ALIVE!
[ RICHARD STRAUSS'S "ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA" PLAYS ]
[ CLANKING ]
>> WELL, SELL THE DERIVATIVES
FROM THE GERMAN ACCOUNT, NOT FROM THE --
[ BEEP ]
OH, HEY, DOUG, MY CELLPHONE'S ABOUT TO GO --
[ BEEP ]
OH [BLEEP]
WHAROO!
[ Panting ] WHAROO!
WHAROO!
[ BELL CHIMES ]
>> ALL THOSE THINGS I CAN DO,
ALL THOSE POWERS, AND I COULDN'T
EVEN SAVE HIM.
>> HUH.
GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE DOUBLED
DOWN ON THAT KFC DOUBLE DOWN.
[ RAPID HEARTBEAT ]
HMM.
[ GROANS ]
>> PA!
[ GASPS ] OH, NO!
UH...UH...
WHOA! NOT GOOD!
NOT GOOD!
UM...OH, COMPRESSIONS!
MAYBE START COMPRESSIONS.
>> [ GROANS ]
>> [ INHALES SHARPLY ]
OH, IF I CAN JUST...
SORRY, DAD.
JUST -- OH, NO!
UH, SPARKY, COME BACK HERE!
SORRY, PA.
>> DOCTOR [INHALES SHARPLY]
MY PENIS DOESN'T WORK.
>> WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
LIKE IT WON'T GO "WEE-WEE-WEE"
OR IT WON'T GO
"BOI-OI-OI-OI-OING!"?
>> HMM.
[ RAP MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> ♪ OATS ♪
♪ OATS, OATS, OATS, OATS, OATS,
OATS, OATS-OATS-OATS-OATS OATS
OATS-OATS ♪
♪ OATS, OATS, OATS,
OATS-OATS-OATS OATS, OATS ♪
♪ OATS, OATS, OATS, OATS, OATS ♪
>> ♪ WE'VE ONLY GOT ONE LIFE ♪
>> OATS!
>> ♪ WE'VE GOT TO
LIVE IT RIGHT ♪
>> ♪ OATS, OATS ♪
>> ♪ THROW UP YOUR HANDS, KEEP
REACHIN' FOR THE SPOTLIGHT ♪
>> ♪ WHOA ♪
>> ♪ BABY, YOU'RE A KING,
YOU'RE A SUPERSTAR ♪
♪ BABY, JUST SHOW ME
WHERE THE OATS ARE ♪
>> OATS!
>> ♪ OATS ARE ♪
>> OATS!
>> ♪ OATS, OATS, OATS, OATS,
OATS, OATS-OATS-OATS-OATS
OATS, OATS-OATS ♪
♪ OATS, OATS, OATS, OATS, OATS,
OATS ♪
♪ OATS, OATS, OATS,
OATS-OATS-OATS-OATS ♪
♪ OATS, OATS, OATS, OATS ♪
>> NOW, RIHANNA, WE'RE GONNA
LEARN TO CANTER.
YOU'LL NEED TO KNOW THIS FOR
YOUR NEW VIDEO.
>> I CHANGED MY MIND.
HORSES ARE DUMB AS HELL.
I DON'T WANT MY VIDEO TO HAVE
A DUMB-ASS HORSE IN IT.
>> [ GASPS ]
[ CRUNCH! ]
>> OH, MAN!
MY NECK! MY LEGS! MY FEET!
MY ARMS! I CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING!
MY [BLEEP] BODY'S NUMB!
>> ♪ OATS, OATS, OATS, OATS,
OATS, OATS-OATS OATS OATS... ♪
[ MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING ]
>> "TWILIGHT" THE GAME!
RAAAAAAAAAARGH!
>> APPROACHING BANK ROBBERS IN
THEIR GETAWAY TANK, MICHAEL.
I RECOMMEND JUMPING OVER IT.
>> I LOVE YOU, KITT!
[ EXPLOSIONS, TIRES SCREECH ]
[ PEOPLE CHEERING ]
>> WE SAVED THAT BUSLOAD OF
NUNS, KITT, BY JUMPING OVER IT.
>> I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL KNIGHT!
[ TV SHUTS OFF ]
MAN, I WISH YOU WERE REAL, KITT.
WE'D HAVE SOME AWESOME
ADVENTURES.
[ YAWNS ]
WE'D FIGHT ALL MY ENEMIES...
AND MURDER THEM.
SO COOL.
SO...COOL.
[ ENGINE REVS ]
[ GASPS ] WOW!
I'M KNIGHT RIDER!
I'M KNIGHT RI-- AWW, WAIT A
MINUTE.
OH, YOU'RE THAT CRAPPY KITT FROM
THAT CRAPPY "KNIGHT RIDER"
REMAKE FROM A FEW CRAPPY YEARS
AGO!
>> GREETINGS, MICHAEL.
LET'S GO ON AN ADVENTURE.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
WAKE ME UP RIGHT NOW!
>> PLEASE STOP.
>> WAKE ME UP!
>> PLEASE STOP.
>> NO! LET ME OUT!
>> MICHAEL.
>> NO, NO, NO! LET ME OUT!
>> PLEASE STOP. MICHAEL.
>> NO! YOU SUCK ASS!
ALL YOU DID IN THE WHOLE PILOT
EPISODE WAS DRIVE EXTRA FAST!
IT WAS BORING!
[ Crying ] LET ME OUT!
>> FINE.
HOPE YOU LIKE EJECTOR SEATS.
[ BEEPING, BUZZING ]
I DON'T SEEM TO HAVE AN EJECTOR SEAT.
>> BORING!
>> "KNIGHT RIDER."
A SHADOWY FLIGHT --
>> GO DIE, PLEASE.
>> AWW.
>> HAVING A BAD DAY?
>> MY STUPID DREAM HAS THE WRONG
"KNIGHT RIDER" CAR IN IT.
>> OH. WHAT'LL IT BE?
>> HEY...CAN I HAVE LOBSTER WITH LOTS OF BUTTER SAUCE AND OREO
ICE CREAM SERVED ON A COOKIE THE SIZE OF MY HEAD?
MMM!
>> UH...WE DON'T HAVE THAT.
>> BUT...THIS IS A DREAM!
>> YEAH, BUT WE KIND OF BLEW OUR
BUDGET ON THAT.
>> GREETINGS, MICHAEL.
>> DAMN IT!
>> WELCOME BACK, MICHAEL.
>> [ SIGHS ] HI, VAL KILMER.
>> SHALL I TURN INTO A PICKUP TRUCK?
I CAN DO THAT.
>> [ Sarcastically ] WOW.
ONE OF YOUR AMAZING FEATURES
IS HAULING CARGO.
>> I CAN ALSO TURN FROM THIS
KIND OF MUSTANG INTO ANOTHER
KIND OF MUSTANG.
>> UGH, DO WHATEVER.
I'M GOING TO TAKE A NAP.
>> YOU CAN'T TAKE A NAP IN A DREAM!
>> OF COURSE YOU CAN.
DIDN'T YOU SEE INCEPTION?
ONLY 100 MILLION PEOPLE SAW IT.
IT WAS SO COOL.
[ Yawning ] SO...COOL.
OH, MY GOSH!
I'M IN THE REAL KITT!
YOU'RE THE REAL KNIGHT RIDER!
>> ARE YOU READY TO [BLEEP] DO THIS?
>> HELL, YES!
>> PRESS MY TURBO BOOST BUTTON.
>> I WILL!
YEAH!!
YEAH!
YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!
YEAH!!
[ PEOPLE SCREAMING ]
I LOVE YOU, REAL KITT.
>> OH. OUCH.
>> [BLEEP] YOU, VAL KILMER.
>> SWAT YOUR BALLS?
GET A GOOD BALL SWATTING.
WHO DOESN'T WANT THEIR BALLS
SWATTED?
COME ON, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THOSE PANTS RIGHT DOWN?
THERE YOU GO, THERE YOU GO.
LET ME SWAT THOSE BALLS!
>> MAY THIS GOLDEN SPIKE
SYMBOLIZE THE POWER OF THE
RAILROAD, WHICH WILL LAST
FOREVER!
AT LEAST UNTIL PEOPLE STOP
GIVING A [BLEEP] ABOUT TRAINS,
WHICH I PREDICT WILL NEVER
HAPPEN!
>> TODAY, THAT GOLDEN SPIKE
RESIDES AT THE WHO GIVES A
[BLEEP] MUSEUM, LOCATED DIRECTLY
UP MY ASS.
>> DECEPTICONS! ATTACK!
WHAT?
>> ♪ MR. MOUTH ♪
♪ OPEN, CLOSE YOUR MOUTH ♪
♪ GOT A REAL PRETTY MOUTH ♪
♪ LIKE YOUR MOUTH ♪
♪ MAYBE I'LL JUST TAKE YOU
IN ANOTHER ROOM ♪
♪ LET'S HAVE A DATE IN HERE,
MR. MOUTH ♪
♪ GONNA HAVE A PARTY
INSIDE YOUR MOUTH ♪
>> HELLO, SPOCK.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
I'M YOU, 30 YEARS OLDER, FROM
THE FUTURE.
>> HOW DID YOU GET HERE?
>> THROUGH A BLACK HOLE.
LISTEN, IN 10 YEARS, YOU'LL
FIGHT AGAINST AN EVIL KLINGON
NAMED KLORG.
>> ALL RIGHT.
>> AND HE'LL SWING HIS BAT'LETH
TO THE RIGHT.
SO DODGE LEFT AND YOU WILL
AVOID SPENDING A WEEK IN THE
HOSPITAL.
>> OH, THANK YOU.
>> OH, AND ALSO IN ABOUT SEVEN
YEARS, DJ ZUMURA WILL RELEASE A
GREATEST HITS ALBUM AND IT'S
AWESOME, SO YOU SHOULD
DEFINITELY GET THAT.
>> OKAY.
>> BUT THEN TWO YEARS AFTER
THAT, THEY'RE GOING TO RELEASE A
DJ ZUMURA COMPILATION ALBUM, AND
EVEN THOUGH IT HAS A DIFFERENT
COVER, IT HAS ALL THE SAME
SONGS, SO DON'T BUY IT.
>> ALL RIGHT.
NOT LIFE-THREATENING, PER SE,
BUT GOOD TO KNOW.
>> DO NOT GO DOWN THAT HALLWAY.
>> WHO ARE YOU?
>> I'M YOU, FIVE MINUTES IN THE
FUTURE.
THREE MINUTES FROM NOW, KIRK IS
GONNA DROP A MONUMENTAL DEUCE IN
THE HALLWAY BATHROOM.
>> SURE.
>> AND IT'S GONNA SMELL REALLY,
REALLY BAD.
TRUST ME.
SO, JUST MAYBE TAKE ANOTHER
HALLWAY.
>> OKAY, THANKS.
>> SPOCK.
>> WHO ARE YOU, MY SISTER?
>> NO, I'M YOU, SPOCK.
ONE NIGHT 12 YEARS FROM NOW, YOU
HAVE ONE TOO MANY ZINGARO SHOTS,
LOSE A BET, AND GET A SEX CHANGE.
>> WHY IS OLD SPOCK A MAN?
>> I CHANGED BACK.
THERE ARE SOME PROBLEMS WITH
THE EQUIPMENT, THOUGH.
NOT GOING TO LIE.
>> HEY, SPOCK.
>> DON'T TELL ME.
YOU'RE ME, FROM THE FUTURE, BUT
SOMEHOW I TURN INTO AN
OVERWEIGHT BLACK GUY.
>> UH, NO, I'M ERNIE.
JUST HEADING DOWN THE HALLWAY.
LIVE LONG AND BITE ME.
DAMN, SOMEONE SET THEIR PHASER
TO STANK BACK HERE!
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY ARE ALL YOU SPOCKS MEETING
ME AT THIS EXACT MOMENT?
>> DIDN'T YOU GET THE NOTE?
IT'S ALL OF OUR BIRTHDAYS.
WE'RE THROWING A SURPRISE
BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR SUPER-OLD SPOCK.
HE TURNS 2,000 YEARS OLD TODAY,
AND THIS WAS THE BEST PLACE WE
COULD ALL MEET UP.
ARE ALL THE OTHER SPOCKS
READY?
>> READY!
>> IT SEEMS SO ILLOGICAL TO
TRAVEL THROUGH TIME TO THIS
LOCATION.
>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
>> [ GROANS ]
>> [ Monotone ] GO SPOCK.
IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY.
IT IS THE DAY OF YOUR BIRTH.
>> BY THE YEAR 2013, DUE TO AN
INSATIABLE DESIRE OF AUDIENCES
EVERYWHERE, ALMOST EVERY
TELEVISION SHOW INVOLVED
VAMPIRES, AND THE ONES THAT
DIDN'T FAILED MISERABLY.
NOW WE OFFER YOU A GLIMPSE OF
THIS VERY BLOODY FUTURE.
>> THIS WEEK ON
"VAMPIRE MEDICAL"...
>> GUNSHOT WOUND.
HE'S LOSING BLOOD FAST.
>> LET'S GET HIM A BLOOD
TRANSFUSION, STAT.
>> WE'RE ALL OUT OF BLOOD AGAIN,
DOCTOR.
>> DAMN IT!
WHO HERE KEEPS DRINKING ALL
THE BLOOD?
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE PROBABLY GONNA
LOSE HIM, THEN.
MIGHT AS WELL GET TOGETHER AND
DRINK ALL OF HIS BLOOD.
[ SHINK! ]
[ ALL HISS ]
>> AAAAAAAH!
>> IS IT "I WANT TO SUCK YOUR
[BLEEP]"?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> HELP! HELP ME!
>> WE'VE GOT TO SAVE THAT KID!
>> WE CAN'T!
WE'LL BE BURNED IN THE SUNLIGHT!
>> I'M WEARING SPF 100.
I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.
[ PANTING ]
[BLEEP]
>> IT'S 3 AND 2 TO DEREK JETER.
HERE'S THE PITCH, AND...
IT'S A BASE HIT STRAIGHT UP THE
MIDDLE BUT JETER TRIPS ON HIS
CAPE!
SO DOES RODRIGUEZ!
MARTINEZ RUNS TO MAKE WHAT
SHOULD BE AN EASY STOP, AND HE
TRIPS ON HIS CAPE, TOO!
AGAIN, THE CAPE ISSUE REARS ITS
UGLY HEAD IN MAJOR LEAGUE
BASEBALL.
>> OW!
>> IT'S LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO
MAKE GOOD PASTA WITHOUT GARLIC.
BUT SINCE I'M A VAMPIRE OR
WHATEVER, I DON'T USE GARLIC,
BECAUSE VAMPIRES DON'T USE
GARLIC AND MY PRODUCER SAID I
NEED TO BE A VAMPIRE.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
DO I REALLY NEED TO BE A
VAMPIRE?
>> YEAH, MARTHA,
IT'S A NETWORK RULE.
SORRY, GOT TO --
YEAH IT'S VAMPIRE.
>> FINE, I'M A STUPID VAMPIRE.
[ SHINK! ]
[ HISSES ]
>> VAMPIRES ARE VERY BIG RIGHT NOW.
WOULD YOU SAY REO SPEEDWAGON
ARE A LOT LIKE VAMPIRES?
YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE YOU SUCK?
>> [ SIGHS ]
OH, GREAT, ANOTHER AMBUSH INTERVIEW.
[ WHISTLES ]
HEY, BRING THE SPEEDWAGON AROUND.
WE'RE OUT OF HERE.
>> ♪ YOU'VE GOT TO GO WITH THE
FLOW WHEN THERE'S NOWHERE TO GO
AND YOUR MUSIC FLOWS, YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH, YOUR MUSIC FLOWS ♪
>> WHOO!