[ THUNDER CRASHING ] [ DRILLING, SAWING ]
[ ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ] >> IT'S ALIVE!
>> AND I WORRY ABOUT WHERE THIS CULTURE IS HEADING.
>> SHUT UP, YOU OLD BITCH!
[ CLICK ] >> ♪ GHOST WITH YOUR RIDE ♪
♪ GHOST ON FIRE ♪ ♪ GHOST WITH YOUR RIDE ♪
♪ GHOST WITH YOUR RIDE ♪
>> BUT WHY EARTH, JOR-EL?
THEY'RE THOUSANDS OF YEARS BEHIND US.
>> HE WILL NEED THAT ADVANTAGE.
AND I WILL INSTRUCT HIM, GUIDE HIM, SEE MY LIFE THROUGH HIS
EYES AS HE WILL SEE IT THROUGH MINE.
GOODBYE, MY SON.
AND FOR SOME REASON, THEY PUT THE BIG FORK ON THE INSIDE, NEXT
TO THE SALAD FORK.
SALAD IN GENERAL WILL BE DISCUSSED LATER ON IN CHAPTER 9.
[ SQUEAKING ] CHAPTER 42 -- TIPPING.
THIS IS OPEN TO DEBATE, AND THERE'S NO REAL RIGHT ANSWER.
BUT THE CONSENSUS IS 15% TO 20%.
AND THEN, OF COURSE, THERE'S THE "DIRTY SANCHEZ."
THIS WAS A VERY POPULAR DANCE MOVE ON KRYPTON, AND FROM WHAT I
CAN TELL, THEY HAVE IT ON EARTH, AS WELL.
[ BEEP ] TO CONTINUE, FLIP TO SIDE "B."
GOOD LUCK, MY SON.
IF I'VE CALCULATED CORRECTLY, YOU HAVE TRAVELED THROUGH
12 GALAXIES TO LAND IN A SMALL TOWN IN KANSAS, NEAR A ROAD
WHERE -- >> I LOVE BEING A WUZZLE!
WE GET TO BE TWO ANIMALS AT ONCE!
TAKE ME -- I'M A BUMBLEBEE AND A LION!
>> AND I'M AN ELEPHANT AND A KANGAROO.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT GROSSES ME OUT, BUMBLELION?
HOW'D YOUR PARENTS GET TOGETHER?
[ BUZZING, THWACK! ] >> OW! WHAT THE HELL?!
YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST STING ME, YOU LITTLE BUMBLEBEE?
WOW, YOU'RE CUTE, LITTLE BUMBLEBEE.
HUH, LITTLE CUTIE. COME HERE.
[ MOANS ] OH, YEAH.
OUCH, OHH, OUCH, OHH, OW!
STING ME IN THE HOLE! OW!
STING ME IN THE HOLE! OUCH!
>> UGH!
I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT ANYMORE.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, ELEROO?
>> NOW, THIS MIGHT HURT A LITTLE.
[ KANGAROO SHRIEKS, ELEPHANT TRUMPETS ]
>> UGH!
HOW ABOUT YOU, DONKEYHUMAN?
>> EEEE-AWWWW!
AS FAR AS I KNOW -- >> ACTUALLY, I DON'T WANT TO
KNOW.
>> UM, ME NEITHER.
UM, YEAH, I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD.
>> WE'RE GONNA MISS YOU WHEN YOU'RE IN JAPAN, JOSH!
>> YEAH! WHICH ONE'S JOSH?
ALL THE GUYS HERE KIND OF LOOK LIKE THE SAME GENERIC DOUCHE.
[ RUMBLING ] [ ALL SCREAMING ]
[ CREATURE ROARS ] >> [ ROARS ]
>> WOW, THAT IS REALLY TASTELESS.
>> UH, IT'S ONLY BEEN EIGHT YEARS SINCE 9/11, FOR GOD'S
SAKE!
>> WHAT ARE YOU THINKING, BRO?!
MAN! CAN ANYBODY ANSWER THAT?
WHAT IS THAT MONSTER THINKING?
>> [ ROARS ] >> BOO! WAY TOO SOON, DUDE!
>> TERRIBLE TASTE, MAN!
>> BOO! TOO SOON!
>> [ ROARS ] [ ROARS ]
>> BOO!
>> AW, YOU SAD BECAUSE THERE'S NOTHING TO SMASH HERE?
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE IT WAS ALREADY SMASHED!
BY PEOPLE WHO HATE OUR FREEDOM!
SO WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE IS VERY, VERY OFFENSIVE!
>> WHAT'S IT DOING?
>> IT'S DESECRATING THE SITE!
>> NO, LOOK!
IT'S DOING SOMETHING ELSE!
[ ALL CHEER ] >> HEY, "CLOVERFIELD" MONSTER!
>> [ GULPING ] AHHHHHHH!
>> I'LL TAKE THAT ONE.
[ BUZZING ] [ WHOOSHING ]
[ GLASS SHATTERS ] >> WOW! ERIN ESURANCE!
>> THAT'S RIGHT!
ESURANCE HANDLES YOUR INSURANCE NEEDS, ALL ONLINE!
JUST QUOTE...
BUY...
AND PRINT!
WITH ESURANCE, YOU'RE ALWAYS COVERED!
[ GUN COCKS ] >> HEY, WHAT ARE YOU --
[ GUNSHOT ] OW! WHAT THE [BLEEP]
>> OH, SORRY, YOU HAVE A FOUR-BULLET DEDUCTIBLE.
>> I HAVE A WHAT?!
[ GUNSHOT ] >> YOU KEPT YOUR MONTHLY PREMIUM
LOW BY CHOOSING A HIGHER DEDUCTIBLE.
IT'S A RISK YOU HAD TO WEIGH UP FRONT.
[ GUNSHOT ] >> AAAAAAH!
I WANT TO CHANGE MY POLICY!
>> NO PROBLEM!
YOUR NEW POLICY WILL GO INTO EFFECT THE FIRST OF THE MONTH!
[ GUNSHOT ] >> OHHHHH!
>> THAT'S FOUR BULLETS!
ANYTHING ELSE I CAN DO FOR YOU TODAY?
WELL, YOU'RE ALSO COVERED BY OUR AWESOME LIFE INSURANCE, SO YOUR
ELDERLY MOTHER IS IN FOR QUITE A WINDFALL...
OR SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN, IF YOU HADN'T MISSED YOUR FEBRUARY
PAYMENT.
>> [ Gravelly voice ] IT'S YOUR GREATEST FEAR.
IT FILLS YOU WITH DREAD.
>> AAAAAAAAH!!
>> YOU FIND YOURSELF SCREAMING...
[ Cheerful voice ] ..."WHO CAN I CALL TO FIX THIS DRAIN?"
EARL MCGARRY, THAT'S WHO!
HE DOESN'T ASK QUESTIONS.
>> HERE'S YOUR PROBLEM!
YOU GOT ABOUT FOUR QUARTS OF BLOOD IN HERE.
TRIVIA FACT -- THAT'S HOW MUCH THE HUMAN BODY HOLDS!
>> HE'S EXPERIENCED!
>> HERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.
YOU'VE GOT A GHOULIE IN HERE.
>> AND HE KNOWS HIS STUFF!
>> HERE'S YOUR PROBLEM.
YOU GOT GLENN CLOSE IN HERE!
>> NOT BONDED BY THE STATE.
>> COACH, WHY DO GIRLS HAVE TO PLAY WITH A BALL THAT'S TWICE
THE SIZE OF A NORMAL BASEBALL?
>> BECAUSE GIRLS AREN'T VERY STRONG OR COORDINATED.
>> ♪ BUM-BUM-BUM-BADA-BA-BA ♪ ♪ BA-DA BA-BA BA ♪
>> THIS SUMMER, ACTION HERO NICOLAS CAGE STARS IN
"REAR WINDOW 2."
>> CONFINED TO THE DAMN WHEELCHAIR.
[ INHALES, EXHALES DEEPLY ] THIS ISN'T ME.
BABE-A-PALOOZA.
HOT...DIGGITY DOG.
UH-HUH. YEAH. DO IT RIGHT.
OH, WOW. THAT'S...NOT GOOD.
[ GUN COCKS ] [ TIRES SCREECH ]
LET'S ROLL.
[ TIRES SCREECH ] HOW'S THAT FOR HANDICAP ACCESS?
OH, WAIT, THERE'S SOMETHING ON MY SHOE -- YOUR FACE, HYAH!
>> [ WHIMPERING ] [ TIRES SCREECH ]
>> OUT OF MY WAY, FAT MAN!
[ BEEP, CHAIR ACCELERATES ] >> AHH!
[ TIRES SCREECH ] >> HEY, KID.
KEEP IT "WHEEL."
>> [ FARTS ] [ SCRIBBLING ]
[ FARTS ] [ WATER BUBBLING ]
"'HOW I SPENT MY SUMMER VACATION,' BY BOBBY McCORMICK."
>> AAH!
YOU'RE DEAD MEAT, DORKWAD!
>> OOH-EE-OOH!
>> I'M JASON CHAMBERS.
YOU JUST SAW A CONVENTIONAL WEDGIE, BUT TODAY ON
"HUMAN WEAPON," WE REVEAL THE SUPER WEDGIE KNOWN AS THE
BRAZILIAN COVERED WAGON.
THIS IS "HUMAN WEAPON."
THE AGGRESSOR GRABS SECURELY ON THE ELASTIC STRAP OF THE
OPPONENT'S UNDERWEAR AND PULLS DIRECTLY BACKWARD.
>> YEEEOWWWW!
>> THIS MOVE MAXIMIZES THE AMOUNT OF SLACK IN THE UNDERWEAR
FOR THE UPWARD THRUST.
LASTLY, A FORWARD CURVING MOTION LOOPS THE UNDERWEAR OVER
THE OPPONENT'S FOREHEAD, DRAWING HIS HEAD BACK IN A PAINFUL ARCH.
HA HA!
FIVE POUNDS MORE TENSILE STRENGTH ON THOSE BVDs, AND THAT
NERD'S NECK WOULD SNAP.
HA HA!
I TRULY, TRULY HATE NERDS.
>> DID SOME MOTHER [BLEEP] CALL FOR A SAPPY SONG?
BECAUSE Y'ALL GOT THE DAMN EXPERT.
[ SCATS ] [ To the tune of "What a
Wonderful World" ] ♪ YOU SAW SMURFS FIGHTING
SNORKS ♪ ♪ FUMBLES DROPPED A BEER ♪
♪ AND SOME UNLUCKY DORK ♪ ♪ HE TURNED INTO A DEER ♪
♪ AND IT OCCURS TO ME ♪ ♪ THAT SEASON FOUR RULED ♪
>> ♪ I SAW LOTS OF BOOBIES ♪ ♪ AND ALMOST GOT LAID,
HEE-HEE! ♪ >> ♪ I BANGED 20 BEAUTIES ♪
>> AW, SNAP, NOW I GOT FELINE AIDS!
HOLLA!
>> ♪ AND TO SUMMARIZE THINGS ♪ ♪ SEASON FOUR WAS OFF THE
CHAIN ♪ >> ♪ WE SAW GELFLINGS DROPPING
RHYMES ♪ AND IT WAS SO AWESOME!
>> ♪ SUPERHEROES LOOKING CHUBBY ♪
>> ♪ ALL THE TEARS I'VE CRIED ♪ >> ♪ I FOUGHT THE TERMINATOR
PUPPY! ♪ >> ♪ AND I COGNITIVELY PROCESS
THAT SEASON FOUR KICKED UNDENIABLE ASS ♪
TALKIN' ABOUT KARATE ON THAT ASS.
>> ♪ THERE WAS VIOLENCE GALORE ♪ >> ♪ FART JOKES, THERE WERE
LOTS ♪ >> [ FARTING ]
>> ♪ OH, WE TALLIED UP THE SCORE! ♪
>> ♪ THERE WERE 50 NUT SHOTS ♪ >> ♪ AND I'M TELEPATHICALLY
GETTING THE MESSAGE COMING TO ME RIGHT NOW THAT SEASON FOUR
SMOKED YOU ALL OVER THE FACE ♪ >> LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PRESIDENT OF ADULT SWIM, MIKE LAZZO.
[ UPBEAT CELTIC MUSIC PLAYS ] [ "HAVA NAGILA" PLAYS ]
[ "CHARLESTON" PLAYS ] [ "CHICKEN DANCE" PLAYS ]
[ DISCO MUSIC PLAYS ] >> ♪ "Y-M-I-A" ♪
[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ] [ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> ♪ NO ONE KNOWS, NO ♪ >> ♪ HEY, "MACATRENA" ♪
[ DANCE MUSIC PLAYS ] >> ♪ WHERE'S MY LOVE? ♪
>> [ Breathing heavily ] OH!
MAN! OHH!
OH, BY THE WAY, YOU'RE CANCELED.
[ CACKLES ] F.Y.I.
>> HONEY, SELL THE TIME SHARE!
SELL THE TIME SHARE!
>> ♪ OH OH OH OH OH OH-OH ♪ ♪ OH-OH-OH OH OH ♪
♪ OHHH ♪ >> ♪ WHERE'S MY LOVE? ♪