1
00:00:04,003 --> 00:00:09,209
TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]
[THUNDER]

2
00:00:09,275 --> 00:00:18,685
>> AAH!

3
00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:28,928
>> IT'S ALIVE!

4
00:00:28,995 --> 00:00:42,075
>> HA HA HA HA!

5
00:00:42,142 --> 00:00:45,478
>> MORNING BEAR, ARE YOU HAVING
SMOKE SEX?

6
00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:51,317
>> UH, NO.

7
00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:53,586
>> [YAWNS]
WHAT A DAY!

8
00:00:53,653 --> 00:00:58,057
IT'S EXHAUSTING BEING THE CEO
OF BURGER KING.

9
00:00:58,124 --> 00:01:03,296
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[BEEP]

10
00:01:03,363 --> 00:01:04,563
HELLO?

11
00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:05,698
HELLO?

12
00:01:05,765 --> 00:01:07,901
IS ANYONE THERE?

13
00:01:07,967 --> 00:01:10,069
DAMN IT.

14
00:01:10,136 --> 00:01:12,705
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[BEEP]

15
00:01:12,772 --> 00:01:13,907
HELLO.

16
00:01:13,973 --> 00:01:15,208
WHO IS THIS?

17
00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:18,611
I'M THE CEO OF BURGER KING, YOU
KNOW.

18
00:01:18,678 --> 00:01:20,713
DAH!

19
00:01:20,780 --> 00:01:23,183
[CREAK]
WHAT WAS THAT?

20
00:01:23,249 --> 00:01:28,488
[CREAK]
WHO'S THERE?

21
00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:30,123
WHEW!

22
00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:32,892
MUST HAVE JUST BEEN MY--
AAH!

23
00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:37,363
I'M FLAME-BROILING IN MY PANTS!

24
00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:39,332
WAAHHH!

25
00:01:39,399 --> 00:01:46,473
[CRACK]
OH! MY ARM!

26
00:01:46,539 --> 00:01:47,941
DIE, YOU SON OF A BITCH!

27
00:01:48,007 --> 00:01:50,043
HA HA!

28
00:01:50,109 --> 00:01:51,176
WHAT?

29
00:01:51,244 --> 00:01:52,512
NO!

30
00:01:52,579 --> 00:01:55,515
I'VE KILLED MY ONLY SON!

31
00:01:55,582 --> 00:01:59,985
IF ONLY PHILIP HAD LIVED TO
TASTE THE TRIPLE BACON KING

32
00:02:00,053 --> 00:02:04,524
BURGER NOW ON SALE AT
PARTICIPATING LOCATIONS.

33
00:02:04,591 --> 00:02:06,960
>> THE NEW TRIPLE BACON KING
BURGER.

34
00:02:07,026 --> 00:02:09,062
SPEND YOUR NIGHTS WITH THE KING.

35
00:02:09,127 --> 00:02:10,896
>> OH, PHILIP!

36
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,066
[URINATING]
>> HEY.

37
00:02:13,132 --> 00:02:14,934
>> DON'T CROSS THE STREAMS, MAN.

38
00:02:15,001 --> 00:02:17,003
>> MEIN TEACHER?

39
00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:17,971
>> YES, LI'L HITLER?

40
00:02:18,037 --> 00:02:19,339
>> MEIN DESK IS SMALL.

41
00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:24,043
I NEED THIS POLISH BOY'S DESK,
ALSO.

42
00:02:24,110 --> 00:02:28,781
>> EVERYONE GETS THE SAME SIZE
DESK, LI'L HITLER.

43
00:02:28,848 --> 00:02:34,320
>> ♪ LI'L HITLER
SUCH A SCAMP ♪

44
00:02:34,387 --> 00:02:38,291
>> AH, HERE IT IS,
THE BOOK OF YOUR LIFE.

45
00:02:38,358 --> 00:02:40,260
>> WOW!

46
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:41,427
HUH?

47
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:43,496
>> JUST ASK THE BOOK ANY
QUESTION ABOUT YOUR LIFE, AND

48
00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:46,833
THE ANSWER SHALL BE REVEALED.

49
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:51,771
>> UH...HOW MANY DAYS DID I
LIVE?

50
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:52,739
COOL!

51
00:02:52,805 --> 00:02:54,107
HOW MANY HOURS IS THAT?

52
00:02:54,173 --> 00:02:55,508
>> IT'S NOT A CALCULATOR.

53
00:02:55,575 --> 00:02:57,377
THIS IS THE BOOK OF YOUR LIFE.

54
00:02:57,442 --> 00:03:00,780
>> OOH, HOW MANY TIMES DID I
HEAR THE SONG "I TOUCHED MYSELF"

55
00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:02,882
BY THE DIVINYLS?

56
00:03:02,949 --> 00:03:05,251
HUH...I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
MORE THAN THAT.

57
00:03:05,318 --> 00:03:08,922
>> WHY NOT ASK THE BOOK ABOUT
YOUR ACTIONS ON EARTH AND HOW

58
00:03:08,988 --> 00:03:10,990
THEY IMPACTED YOUR LOVED ONES?

59
00:03:11,057 --> 00:03:12,292
>> IN A MINUTE.

60
00:03:12,358 --> 00:03:15,795
HEY, BOOK, IF I MADE BRICKS OUT
OF ALL THE POOP I EVER POOPED

61
00:03:15,862 --> 00:03:19,198
OUT AND BUILT A 6-FOOT HIGH WALL
OUT OF THE BRICKS, HOW LONG

62
00:03:19,265 --> 00:03:20,667
COULD I MAKE THAT WALL?

63
00:03:20,733 --> 00:03:22,669
>> THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

64
00:03:22,735 --> 00:03:25,471
>> BOOK, TELL THIS MAN HOW MANY
MOMENTS OF HAPPINESS HE GAVE HIS

65
00:03:25,538 --> 00:03:26,839
FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

66
00:03:26,906 --> 00:03:28,107
>> BORING!

67
00:03:28,174 --> 00:03:30,877
BOOK, COULD I HAVE FILLED THE
EMPIRE STATE BUILDING WITH MY

68
00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:31,945
OWN POOP?

69
00:03:32,011 --> 00:03:32,978
>> DON'T ANSWER THAT, BOOK.

70
00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,013
>> BUT I WANT TO KNOW.

71
00:03:34,079 --> 00:03:34,680
>> NO!

72
00:03:34,747 --> 00:03:35,481
>> YES!

73
00:03:35,548 --> 00:03:36,182
>> NO!

74
00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:36,983
>> YES!

75
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:37,850
>> THAT DOES IT!

76
00:03:37,917 --> 00:03:41,220
[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING]
>> 2.7 MILES?

77
00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:43,323
>> HA! I KNOW!

78
00:03:43,389 --> 00:03:45,491
>> NOW, CLASS--
>> MEIN TEACHER?

79
00:03:45,558 --> 00:03:48,828
I WILL NEED THE CZECHOSLOVAKIAN
BOY'S DESK AS WELL.

80
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:52,799
>> LI'L HITLER, WHERE'S LITTLE
POLASKI?

81
00:03:52,865 --> 00:03:56,302
>> ♪ LI'L HITLER
ALWAYS HAVING FUN ♪

82
00:03:56,369 --> 00:03:58,137
>> CAT COURT IS NOW IN SESSION.

83
00:03:58,204 --> 00:04:11,551
WE WILL NOW HEAR THE CASE OF
GARFIELD VS. HEATHCLIFF.

84
00:04:11,618 --> 00:04:14,853
>> I WAS IN THE FUNNY PAPERS
5 YEARS BEFORE THIS LAME

85
00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:16,089
KNOCKOFF.

86
00:04:16,154 --> 00:04:18,224
>> JUDGE, IF I MIGHT.

87
00:04:18,291 --> 00:04:21,628
I'D LIKE TO PRESENT THIS
AFFIDAVIT.

88
00:04:21,694 --> 00:04:23,830
OH, SORRY, YOUR HONOR.

89
00:04:23,896 --> 00:04:25,965
I'M ON A LASAGNA DIET.

90
00:04:26,032 --> 00:04:29,902
I SEE LASAGNA, I EAT IT.

91
00:04:29,969 --> 00:04:32,739
[YAWN]
>> AW, THAT JOKE SUCKS,

92
00:04:32,805 --> 00:04:34,207
EVEN FOR YOU.

93
00:04:34,273 --> 00:04:35,241
>> COURT AGREES.

94
00:04:35,308 --> 00:04:36,376
THAT JOKE SUCKED.

95
00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:38,611
GENTLEMEN, I'M AFRAID WE ARE AT
A STANDSTILL.

96
00:04:38,678 --> 00:04:41,814
THERE'S ONLY ONE FAIR WAY TO
SETTLE THIS ARGUMENT.

97
00:04:41,881 --> 00:04:46,185
CAT FIGHT!

98
00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:47,687
>> YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

99
00:04:47,754 --> 00:04:49,022
COME ON, FAT BOY!

100
00:04:49,088 --> 00:04:51,157
>> COME AND GET IT, CAT.

101
00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:53,693
>> RREOWW!

102
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:57,897
OPEN YOUR EYES ALL THE WAY,
YOU LAZY [BLEEP].

103
00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:01,567
>> I'M GONNA START CALLING YOU
"MONDAY."

104
00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:04,437
I HATE MONDAYS.

105
00:05:04,504 --> 00:05:15,181
[SHOUTING]
>> OH, OOH, I REAL--

106
00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:17,050
>> I'M DYING!

107
00:05:17,116 --> 00:05:19,252
I'M SO CUTE AND I'M DYING!

108
00:05:19,318 --> 00:05:20,653
AAH!

109
00:05:20,720 --> 00:05:21,921
>> EAT IT, EAT IT!

110
00:05:21,988 --> 00:05:23,523
DIE, DIE!

111
00:05:23,589 --> 00:05:25,358
>> ENOUGH.

112
00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:26,859
WE HAVE A CHAMPION.

113
00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:30,029
THE COURT RULES IN FAVOR OF
GARFIELD.

114
00:05:30,096 --> 00:05:31,030
>> PTUI!

115
00:05:31,097 --> 00:05:32,732
>> OH!

116
00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:34,867
HEART...ATTACK...

117
00:05:34,933 --> 00:05:37,603
FROM DECADES...OF ONLY...

118
00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:42,008
EATING--
>> I'M SORRY.

119
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:44,477
I JUST COULDN'T TAKE ANOTHER
FREAKING LASAGNA JOKE.

120
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:47,346
>> OH, GODS BE PRAISED, I'M
FREE!

121
00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:48,614
FREE!

122
00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:51,284
>> UP NEXT, CAT COURT HEARS THE
ASSAULT CASE AGAINST CHESTER

123
00:05:51,350 --> 00:05:52,284
CHEETAH.

124
00:05:52,351 --> 00:05:58,091
>> HE HANKERED FOR A HUNK OF MY
ASS, YAHOO!

125
00:05:58,157 --> 00:05:59,726
>> UH-OH.

126
00:05:59,792 --> 00:06:03,663
[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

127
00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:05,598
IT'S PROBABLY NOT EVEN
QUICKSAND.

128
00:06:05,665 --> 00:06:07,800
I'LL HAVE A GOOD LAUGH ABOUT
THIS TONIGHT WITH THE GUYS.

129
00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:10,737
HA HA HA!

130
00:06:10,803 --> 00:06:15,441
[ORGAN MUSIC]
WELL, THIS IS JUST [BLEEP]

131
00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:16,409
PERFECT!

132
00:06:16,476 --> 00:06:17,677
STUPID QUICKSAND!

133
00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:18,678
STUPID JUNGLE!

134
00:06:18,745 --> 00:06:20,680
I WANT TO BITE SOMEONE IN THE
FACE!

135
00:06:20,747 --> 00:06:21,581
MOTHER[BLEEP]!

136
00:06:21,647 --> 00:06:22,648
MOTHER[BLEEP]!

137
00:06:22,715 --> 00:06:24,016
MOTHER[BLEEP]!

138
00:06:24,082 --> 00:06:25,384
AH, [BLEEP]!

139
00:06:25,451 --> 00:06:27,220
YOU STUPID JUNGLE!

140
00:06:27,286 --> 00:06:28,755
AH, [BLEEP]!

141
00:06:28,821 --> 00:06:33,359
[ORGAN MUSIC]
ARE YOU THERE, GOD?

142
00:06:33,426 --> 00:06:35,361
IT'S ME--GIRAFFE.

143
00:06:35,428 --> 00:06:37,830
LISTEN, IF YOU WOULD JUST GIVE
ME A MULLIGAN ON THIS QUICKSAND

144
00:06:37,897 --> 00:06:41,734
THING, I PROMISE, I PROMISE NO
MORE PEEING ON YOUR SHORTER

145
00:06:41,801 --> 00:06:42,769
CREATURES.

146
00:06:42,835 --> 00:06:44,704
DEAL?

147
00:06:44,771 --> 00:06:54,747
[ORGAN MUSIC]
[SOBBING]

148
00:06:54,814 --> 00:07:02,155
[ORGAN MUSIC]
[SOBBING]

149
00:07:02,221 --> 00:07:04,056
MOMMY.

150
00:07:04,123 --> 00:07:08,661
[ORGAN MUSIC]
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, I'M COOL

151
00:07:08,728 --> 00:07:09,862
WITH THIS.

152
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:13,366
I'LL BET HEAVEN HAS ALL THE
TENDER LEAVES I CAN EAT

153
00:07:13,432 --> 00:07:16,335
AND EVERYONE GETS THEIR OWN
SLURPEE MACHINE.

154
00:07:16,402 --> 00:07:19,438
YEAH, TAKE ME SWEET DEATH.

155
00:07:19,505 --> 00:07:21,541
I AWAIT YOUR LOVING EMBRACE.

156
00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:24,143
[SPLAT]
WHAT?

157
00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:26,846
I THINK I HIT THE BOTTOM.

158
00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:38,291
[BLEEP]
[SQUEAK SQUEAK]

159
00:07:38,357 --> 00:07:40,659
>> WELL, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

160
00:07:40,726 --> 00:07:43,763
[SLURP]
>> IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

161
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:48,334
[SIGHS]
NOW IT'S MY PROBLEM.

162
00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:51,704
>> ♪ LI'L HITLER
I'M [INDISTINCT] ♪

163
00:07:51,771 --> 00:07:53,172
>> LOOK SHARP, TEAM.

164
00:07:53,239 --> 00:07:55,675
>> REMEMBER, MY X-MEN, USE
EXTREME CAUTION.

165
00:07:55,741 --> 00:07:57,810
THIS IS YOUR MOST DANGEROUS
MISSION YET.

166
00:07:57,877 --> 00:07:59,145
>> RIGHT, PROFESSOR.

167
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:05,184
[ZAP]
>> OH, IS IT OK IF I DELETE REAL

168
00:08:05,251 --> 00:08:07,954
WORLD ROAD RULES CHALLENGE OFF
THE TIVO, BECAUSE IT'S BEEN A--

169
00:08:08,020 --> 00:08:09,255
WOW!

170
00:08:09,322 --> 00:08:11,424
I'M GOING TO NEED SOME NEW
STUDENTS.

171
00:08:11,490 --> 00:08:12,725
WELCOME, RECRUITS.

172
00:08:12,792 --> 00:08:14,927
THOUGH WE'VE HAD TO LOWER OUR
STANDARDS THANKS TO A SHORTAGE

173
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:18,698
OF ACTUAL MUTANTS, THE DANGERS
YOU'LL FACE ARE NO LESS REAL.

174
00:08:18,764 --> 00:08:21,467
YOU'LL BE DEFENDING A WORLD THAT
HATES AND FEARS YOU.

175
00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:22,668
>> WHAT?

176
00:08:22,735 --> 00:08:24,570
HATE AND FEAR US BECAUSE WE'RE
MUTANTS?

177
00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:27,006
>> NO, BECAUSE YOU WERE IN THE
"POLICE ACADEMY" MOVIES.

178
00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:32,178
[SQUEAK SQUEAK]
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS

179
00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:33,111
CHAIR?

180
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:35,381
AND IT SEEMS WE'RE MISSING ONE
RECRUIT.

181
00:08:35,448 --> 00:08:40,753
[AIRPLANE]
>> SORRY I'M LATE.

182
00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:43,121
>> MAHONEY!

183
00:08:43,188 --> 00:08:46,926
THIS IS THE DANGER ROOM, THE
ULTIMATE TRAINING FACILITY.

184
00:08:46,993 --> 00:08:49,829
YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT YOU MIGHT
FACE: KILLER DEATH RAYS, FLYING

185
00:08:49,896 --> 00:08:53,266
BUZZ SAWS, INFLATABLE ... BAGS.

186
00:08:53,332 --> 00:09:00,740
LET'S BEGIN.

187
00:09:00,806 --> 00:09:02,642
>> HELLO, MY RUBA BROTHER.

188
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:04,210
I'M LARDELL JONES.

189
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:07,246
DESTROY ALL HUMANOIDS.

190
00:09:07,313 --> 00:09:09,982
>> EXCUSE ME, UM...

191
00:09:10,049 --> 00:09:12,084
PLEASE, STOP THAT.

192
00:09:12,151 --> 00:09:13,920
>> YOU'RE AN X MAN.

193
00:09:13,986 --> 00:09:15,588
ACT LIKE ONE.

194
00:09:15,655 --> 00:09:18,791
>> WHO WANTS A PIECE OF ME,
DIRTBAG!

195
00:09:18,858 --> 00:09:22,128
>> FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, GET THAT
BODY TO THE MORGUE.

196
00:09:22,194 --> 00:09:31,003
MOVE IT, MOVE IT, MOVE IT!

197
00:09:31,070 --> 00:09:34,106
>> HIGHTOWER, WE HAVEN'T GOT ALL
DAY.

198
00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:35,641
WELL, THAT'S HORRIFYING.

199
00:09:35,708 --> 00:09:37,843
RECRUITS, THESE BATTLE OUTFITS
ARE STYLISH,

200
00:09:37,910 --> 00:09:40,613
TEMPERATURE-CONTROLLED, AND BEST
OF ALL BULLETPROOF.

201
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:41,547
>> AWESOME!

202
00:09:41,614 --> 00:09:43,215
>> TACKLEBERRY, NO!

203
00:09:43,282 --> 00:09:45,952
>> OF COURSE, THEY CAN ONLY
PROTECT THE PARTS OF YOU THEY

204
00:09:46,018 --> 00:09:47,386
ACTUALLY COVER.

205
00:09:47,453 --> 00:09:50,323
[SQUEAK SQUEAK]
STUPID CHAIR.

206
00:09:50,389 --> 00:09:52,058
HEY! YOU!

207
00:09:52,124 --> 00:09:54,026
IT'S BEEN YOU ALL ALONG!

208
00:09:54,093 --> 00:09:55,294
>> HUH?

209
00:09:55,361 --> 00:09:56,996
>> TRY MAKING YOUR CUTE SOUND
EFFECTS WITH A TELEPATHICALLY

210
00:09:57,063 --> 00:09:58,164
ERASED BRAIN.

211
00:09:58,230 --> 00:10:02,868
[CHOKING]
>> HA!

212
00:10:02,935 --> 00:10:04,870
[SQUEAK SQUEAK]
UH-OH.

213
00:10:04,937 --> 00:10:07,873
WELCOME NEW GRADUATES OF XAVIER
SCHOOL FOR GIFTED YOUNGSTERS.

214
00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:09,475
>> HE'S IN FOR A SURPRISE.

215
00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:12,511
>> AS X-MEN, YOU NOW CARRY THE
GREAT RESPONSIBILITY--

216
00:10:12,578 --> 00:10:15,982
[ZIPPER]
SOME MISCHIEF MAKER HAS GONE TO

217
00:10:16,048 --> 00:10:19,118
GREAT LENGTHS TO HIDE A
PROSTITUTE UNDER MY PODIUM.

218
00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:22,688
UNFORTUNATELY, I'M PARALYZED
FROM THE WAIST DOWN AND HER

219
00:10:22,755 --> 00:10:25,691
ENTHUSIASTIC EFFORTS ARE QUITE
FOR NAUGHT.

220
00:10:25,758 --> 00:10:28,594
AS I WAS SAYING, THE X-MEN--
I DIDN'T SAY STOP.

221
00:10:28,661 --> 00:10:29,729
>> LOOK SHARP, TEAM.

222
00:10:29,795 --> 00:10:34,633
>> REMEMBER, MY X-MEN,
USE EXTREME CAUTION.

223
00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:36,335
OH, WELL.

224
00:10:36,402 --> 00:10:39,238
SAME TIME NEXT WEEK?

225
00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:45,845
>> ♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH
ROWITOOKIDOM BOOM BOOM BOOM

226
00:10:45,911 --> 00:10:51,550
[SQUEAK SQUEAK]
RRR! RRR! RRR!

227
00:10:51,617 --> 00:10:55,187
BOOM BOOM BOOM
RRR! RRR! RRR!

228
00:10:55,254 --> 00:10:57,957
SHAKE IT.

229
00:10:58,024 --> 00:10:59,191
ROBOCHICKEN?

230
00:10:59,258 --> 00:11:01,293
YEAH! ♪
[CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

231
00:11:01,360 --> 00:11:03,262
TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP]
[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL

232
00:11:03,329 --> 00:11:04,330
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--]