1 00:00:04,137 --> 00:00:07,173 [ THUNDER ] [ LAUGHING ] 2 00:00:17,450 --> 00:00:20,086 IT'S ALIVE! 3 00:00:37,337 --> 00:00:39,606 [ TOGETHER ] ONE, TWO, THREE. 4 00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:41,207 HA, PAPER BEATS FACE. 5 00:00:41,274 --> 00:00:43,376 [ TOGETHER ] ONE, TWO, THREE 6 00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:45,145 ROCK PUNCHES NUTS. 7 00:00:45,211 --> 00:00:47,280 [ TOGETHER ] ONE, TWO, THREE. 8 00:00:47,347 --> 00:00:49,783 YO, SCISSORS IN YOUR ANUS! 9 00:00:49,849 --> 00:00:50,850 I HATE THIS GAME. 10 00:00:50,917 --> 00:00:54,354 OUR CARE BEAR FRANCHISE IS ON THE BRINK OF COLLAPSE. 11 00:00:54,421 --> 00:00:56,756 CORRUPTED BY IMPURE CREATURES 12 00:00:56,823 --> 00:00:58,925 THAT LEECH OFF OUR SUNSHINE LAND. 13 00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:02,429 I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT THE CARE BEAR COUSINS. 14 00:01:02,495 --> 00:01:03,530 CARE BEAR COUSINS SUCK! 15 00:01:03,596 --> 00:01:06,533 I MIGHT BE LOVE A LOT BEAR, BUT I CAN HATE A LOT TOO. 16 00:01:06,599 --> 00:01:09,803 WE CAN NO LONGER IGNORE THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. 17 00:01:09,869 --> 00:01:12,338 DID I MISS SOMETHING? 18 00:01:12,405 --> 00:01:14,240 WE MUST SEND THEM ALL TO THE GREAT 19 00:01:14,307 --> 00:01:16,576 CLOUD KEEPER IN THE SKY. BEDTIME BEAR. 20 00:01:16,643 --> 00:01:19,345 Y'ALL KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS, IT'S BEDTIME! 21 00:01:19,412 --> 00:01:21,347 AND BY BED I MEAN ETHNIC, 22 00:01:21,414 --> 00:01:23,515 AND BY TIME, I MEAN CLEANSING. 23 00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:27,253 [CHANTING] CARE-A-LOT! CARE-A-LOT! 24 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,420 STOP! 25 00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:31,825 WHOA, FAMOUS CARE TAKER DON CHEADLE. 26 00:01:31,890 --> 00:01:33,426 YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS, 27 00:01:33,493 --> 00:01:35,527 I BUILT A HOTEL WHERE THE COUSINS CAN BE SAFE. 28 00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:37,530 YEAH, WE CAN KEEP THE CORPSES IN THERE! 29 00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:40,233 NO! THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT AT ALL. 30 00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:43,436 I LOVED YOU IN SWORDFISH MR. CHEADLE. 31 00:01:43,503 --> 00:01:45,771 CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH? 32 00:01:45,839 --> 00:01:47,140 AH, OK. 33 00:01:47,207 --> 00:01:48,808 I'M LOTS-OF-LAUGHS BEAR, 34 00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:50,944 AND I'VE GATHERED YOU ALL HERE TODAY, 35 00:01:51,009 --> 00:01:54,214 FOR A SPECIAL HAPPY CELEBRATION. 36 00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:57,183 [LAUGHING] 37 00:01:57,250 --> 00:02:00,487 IF IT'S A SPECIAL HAPPY CELEBRATION, 38 00:02:00,553 --> 00:02:03,990 THEN WHY AM I CRAPPING A LOAD IN MY DRAWERS? 39 00:02:07,594 --> 00:02:09,395 WE DID IT! 40 00:02:09,461 --> 00:02:11,664 WE KILLED ALL THE CARE BEAR COUSINS! 41 00:02:11,731 --> 00:02:13,299 HOORAY FOR MURDER! 42 00:02:13,366 --> 00:02:16,636 NOW LET US CELEBRATE OUR GENOCIDE. 43 00:02:16,703 --> 00:02:18,471 GET YOUR PARTY ON! 44 00:02:18,538 --> 00:02:21,774 EVERYONE, EAT SOME RAINBOW! 45 00:02:21,841 --> 00:02:24,711 HMM, THAT'S GOOD RAINBOW. 46 00:02:24,777 --> 00:02:26,746 [THUNDER] 47 00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:28,548 [BLEEP-BLEEP] 48 00:02:28,615 --> 00:02:31,484 IT'S THE GREAT CLOUD KEEPER IN THE SKY! 49 00:02:31,551 --> 00:02:34,353 CARE BEARS, I HAVE WATCHED YOUR ACTIONS 50 00:02:34,420 --> 00:02:35,655 WITH GREAT DISPLEASURE. 51 00:02:35,722 --> 00:02:38,491 BUT WE PURIFIED THE LAND OF CARE-A-LOT. 52 00:02:38,558 --> 00:02:40,059 FOR YOUR DARK AND TERRIBLE DEED, 53 00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:43,730 I SHALL TURN CARE-A-LOT INTO A DARK AND TERRIBLE PLACE. 54 00:02:43,796 --> 00:02:45,465 A HELL ON EARTH. 55 00:02:45,531 --> 00:02:47,800 I SHALL TURN CARE-A-LOT INTO... 56 00:02:47,867 --> 00:02:49,569 NEW JERSEY. 57 00:02:49,636 --> 00:02:51,938 NO! 58 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:56,509 HELLO, I'M NEW JERSEY'S GOVERNOR JON CORZINE. 59 00:02:56,576 --> 00:02:58,578 I HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED THIS REENACTMENT 60 00:02:58,645 --> 00:03:00,613 OF OUR STATE'S PROUD HISTORY. 61 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,148 THE GARDEN STATE,. 62 00:03:02,215 --> 00:03:05,785 COME GET IN ON SOME OF THIS RAINBOW. 63 00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:26,773 DID YOU GET IT? 64 00:03:26,839 --> 00:03:28,575 HEY, NICE SHOES. 65 00:03:28,641 --> 00:03:31,978 BUT THEY'D LOOK MUCH BETTER IN MY PANTS. 66 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:33,746 WAIT. 67 00:03:33,813 --> 00:03:35,415 I MEAN, ARE YOU FROM HEAVEN? 68 00:03:35,481 --> 00:03:38,985 'CAUSE I'VE GOT AN ERECTION. 69 00:03:43,055 --> 00:03:45,558 [THUNDER] 70 00:03:45,625 --> 00:03:46,960 AH, ROB SCHNEIDER. 71 00:03:47,026 --> 00:03:49,996 IF HE WASN'T SO HANDSOME, I WOULD STOP SEEING HIS MOVIES. 72 00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:52,765 DON'T YOU AGREE, LITTLE HEIMLICH? 73 00:03:52,832 --> 00:03:55,401 YEAH, PAPA. 74 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,507 AH, LOOK OUT, MY PAPA! 75 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:03,242 [CHOKING] 76 00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:05,912 PAPA! 77 00:04:09,282 --> 00:04:10,817 PAPA! 78 00:04:10,883 --> 00:04:14,120 AHHH! 79 00:04:15,788 --> 00:04:18,658 AND PUNCH AND KICK AND PUNCH AND KICK 80 00:04:18,725 --> 00:04:20,059 AND PUNCH AND KICK 81 00:04:20,125 --> 00:04:21,928 AND JAZZ HANDS, AND PUNCH 82 00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:24,330 AND GOOD. GOOD, YOUNG HEIMLICH. 83 00:04:24,397 --> 00:04:25,398 YOU ARE LEARNING VERY FAST 84 00:04:25,465 --> 00:04:28,101 ARE YOU READY TO FACE YOUR DEEPEST FEAR? 85 00:04:28,167 --> 00:04:30,903 YEAH! 86 00:04:32,338 --> 00:04:34,674 HE'S CHOKING! HE'S A GONER, HEIMLICH. 87 00:04:34,741 --> 00:04:38,411 NEIN, HE'S PRACTICE. 88 00:04:38,478 --> 00:04:40,780 HI-YAH! 89 00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:45,418 HEIMLICH, THAT MANEUVER 90 00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:47,220 IS THE KEY TO YOUR GREATNESS! 91 00:04:47,286 --> 00:04:50,423 YOU ARE READY. 92 00:04:54,427 --> 00:04:56,329 [ WOMAN SCREAMS ] 93 00:04:56,396 --> 00:04:58,431 [ LAUGHS ] 94 00:04:58,498 --> 00:04:59,999 THE CHOKER. 95 00:05:00,066 --> 00:05:02,869 HIS PORTIONS ARE ALWAYS TOO BIG. 96 00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:05,805 HEIMLICH, DO THE MANEUVER! 97 00:05:11,711 --> 00:05:13,780 HEIMLICH, HOW CAN WE EVER THANK YOU? 98 00:05:13,846 --> 00:05:15,481 NEED BRATWURST AND BEER. 99 00:05:15,548 --> 00:05:18,584 AND THIS IS HOW I, JOE SCHUMACHER, SEE IT. 100 00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:22,121 IT'S ALWAYS SAUSAGE WITH YOU, ISN'T IT? 101 00:05:22,188 --> 00:05:24,590 MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB. 102 00:05:24,657 --> 00:05:28,928 MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB. 103 00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:33,032 MARY HAD A -- 104 00:05:33,099 --> 00:05:35,902 [scratching] LI-LI-LITTLE LAMB. 105 00:05:40,339 --> 00:05:43,776 RICKY, THE DOCTORS SAY THE ACCIDENT LEFT YOU MUTE. 106 00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,478 DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? 107 00:05:45,545 --> 00:05:49,182 IT MEANS YOU CAN'T TALK NO MORE. 108 00:05:49,248 --> 00:05:50,750 BUT JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T TALK 109 00:05:50,817 --> 00:05:52,919 DON'T MEAN YOU CAN'T COMMUNICATE. 110 00:05:52,985 --> 00:05:54,253 LOOK WHAT I GOT YOU! 111 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:57,557 YOU'LL WEAR THIS EVERYWHERE YOU GO. 112 00:05:58,725 --> 00:06:00,893 KICK IT OVER HERE, HI MY NAME IS RICKY! 113 00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:04,363 NICE JOB ON DEFENSE, HI MY NAME IS RICKY. 114 00:06:04,430 --> 00:06:05,832 YOU SUCK. 115 00:06:05,898 --> 00:06:08,968 YOU SERIOUSLY [BLEEP] SUCK, DUDE. 116 00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,575 RICKY, THE DOCTORS SAY 117 00:06:15,641 --> 00:06:17,543 THE ACCIDENT LEFT YOU MOSTLY DEAF. 118 00:06:17,610 --> 00:06:19,178 DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? 119 00:06:19,245 --> 00:06:21,047 I SAID, DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS? 120 00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:23,616 WELL ANYWAY, THIS IS JUST ANOTHER CHALLENGE, 121 00:06:23,683 --> 00:06:24,851 HUH, CHAMP-O? 122 00:06:24,917 --> 00:06:27,887 I GOT YOU THESE HEARING AIDS. 123 00:06:28,554 --> 00:06:32,391 HEY, NICE HUSTLE, HELLO I'M HEARING IMPAIRED! 124 00:06:32,457 --> 00:06:38,030 YOU KINDA SUCK, HELLO, I'M HEARING IMPAIRED. 125 00:06:42,268 --> 00:06:45,204 RICKY, THE DOCTORS SAY THE ACCIDENT 126 00:06:45,271 --> 00:06:46,472 AFFECTED YOUR BRAIN. 127 00:06:46,539 --> 00:06:48,541 WE DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS YET, 128 00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:52,879 BUT I GOT YOU THESE GOOGLY-EYE GLASSES. 129 00:06:54,113 --> 00:06:56,115 WE WON, HOWDY, I HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE! 130 00:06:56,182 --> 00:06:58,451 THREE CHEERS FOR HOWDY I HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE! 131 00:06:58,518 --> 00:07:01,320 HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! 132 00:07:01,387 --> 00:07:03,589 WOW, THAT WAS REALLY SOMETHING. 133 00:07:03,656 --> 00:07:05,625 WHICH KID IS YOURS? 134 00:07:05,691 --> 00:07:08,161 THAT FAT ASIAN KID. 135 00:07:09,028 --> 00:07:10,263 OH, MY GOD! 136 00:07:10,329 --> 00:07:13,866 JEFFREY, WE'RE OUT OF ICE CREAM! 137 00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:27,747 LOOK, POTTER, I TAUGHT THE SORTING HAT A NEW TRICK. 138 00:07:27,814 --> 00:07:29,048 VIRGIN! 139 00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:32,784 LOOKS LIKE POTTER IS HE WHO SHALL NOT BE LAID. 140 00:07:32,852 --> 00:07:34,854 GUESS THE MONSTER PUBERTUS 141 00:07:34,921 --> 00:07:36,622 HASN'T CAUGHT UP WITH YOU YET. 142 00:07:36,689 --> 00:07:39,358 PUBERTUS IS JUST A MYTH, MALFOY. 143 00:07:39,425 --> 00:07:40,560 SECOND BASE. 144 00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:42,428 CLASS, TODAY WE'LL BE LEARNING SPELLS 145 00:07:42,495 --> 00:07:45,164 WHICH GIVE OBJECTS THE PROPERTY OF WOOD. 146 00:07:45,231 --> 00:07:46,832 PROPERTY OF WOOD? 147 00:07:46,899 --> 00:07:49,268 THAT'S HAPPENING TO ME RIGHT NOW. 148 00:07:49,335 --> 00:07:50,603 PUBERTUS! 149 00:07:50,670 --> 00:07:54,373 PROFESSOR DUMBLEDORE, I THINK THE MONSTER PUBERTUS HAS CURSED ME. 150 00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:55,707 YO. WHO ARE YOU? 151 00:07:55,775 --> 00:07:57,909 AW, HARRY, IT'S ME, DOUBLE DOUGH. 152 00:07:57,977 --> 00:07:59,245 BUT DUMBLEDORE ISN'T -- 153 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,280 LISTEN, I'M A DIFFERENT ACTOR IN EVERY MOVIE. 154 00:08:01,347 --> 00:08:04,350 HERE, THIS MIGHT AGE YOU. IT WAS YOUR DAD'S. 155 00:08:04,417 --> 00:08:05,751 IT'S ENGRAVED. 156 00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:07,720 "THIS HANDY STONE FITS IN YOUR PALM, 157 00:08:07,787 --> 00:08:10,389 BUT ONLY HEAT WILL TURN IT ON." 158 00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:12,058 I KNOW WHAT TURNS ME ON -- 159 00:08:12,124 --> 00:08:14,327 HALLE BERRY IN SWORDFISH. 160 00:08:14,393 --> 00:08:15,761 DVD-US PAUSES. 161 00:08:15,828 --> 00:08:17,964 OH, NO. WHAT IS IT, RON? 162 00:08:18,030 --> 00:08:21,000 THE MONSTER PUBERTUS HAS CURSED ME, TOO. 163 00:08:21,067 --> 00:08:23,169 HE'S EVEN CURSED SCABBERS. 164 00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:24,270 ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN STOP NOW. 165 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,639 WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO? LET'S ASK HAGRID FOR HELP. 166 00:08:26,706 --> 00:08:28,307 DON'T BE RIDICULOUS, HERMIONE. 167 00:08:28,374 --> 00:08:30,343 WE NEED TO CONFRONT THE TERRIBLE HORROR OURSELVES, 168 00:08:30,409 --> 00:08:33,578 AND POTENTIALLY END UP HOSPITALIZED, LIKE ALWAYS. 169 00:08:33,645 --> 00:08:35,681 ALL RIGHT, JUST FINISH. 170 00:08:35,748 --> 00:08:37,216 PROFESSOR SNAPE, HARRY AND RON 171 00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:39,518 HAVE BEEN CURSED BY THE MONSTER PUBERTUS. 172 00:08:39,585 --> 00:08:40,753 PUBERTUS, EH? 173 00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:45,324 LET'S DISCUSS THIS FURTHER IN MY MAGICAL JACUZZI. 174 00:08:45,391 --> 00:08:48,327 BARRY WHITUS, CANDLELIGHTUS, 175 00:08:48,394 --> 00:08:50,696 GIRL EXCITE-US. 176 00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:53,432 [ ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS ] 177 00:08:53,499 --> 00:08:55,134 SO, SHALL WE PLAY 178 00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:57,803 PUT THE SORTING HAT ON THE SLYTHERIN? 179 00:08:57,870 --> 00:08:59,538 PEDIFILIUS REPELLUS. 180 00:08:59,605 --> 00:09:03,276 ACCORDING TO LEGEND, PUBERTUS LIVES IN THIS DUNGEON. 181 00:09:03,342 --> 00:09:05,177 HARRY, I'M SCARED. 182 00:09:05,244 --> 00:09:07,079 YOU'RE ALWAYS SCARED, YOU CHICKEN [BLEEP]. 183 00:09:07,146 --> 00:09:10,383 I CAN'T HELP IT! I'M A SCARED, PIMPLE-FACED, 184 00:09:10,449 --> 00:09:12,318 RED-HEADED CHICKEN [BLEEP] VIRGIN! 185 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:15,554 RON, SHUSH! DO YOU HEAR THAT NOISE? 186 00:09:15,621 --> 00:09:17,690 All: PUBERTUS! 187 00:09:17,757 --> 00:09:19,892 HORMONUS CONTROLLUS! 188 00:09:19,959 --> 00:09:21,961 ONLY HEAT WILL TURN IT ON. 189 00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:25,231 I MUST HAVE TO RUB THE STONE. 190 00:09:28,301 --> 00:09:29,969 IT WORKED! 191 00:09:30,036 --> 00:09:30,836 [ ROARS ] 192 00:09:30,903 --> 00:09:33,873 QUICKLY HARRY, RUB IT OUT AGAIN. 193 00:09:39,545 --> 00:09:42,448 HARRY, RUB ANOTHER ONE OUT QUICKLY! 194 00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:44,150 I'M RUBBING AS HARD AS I CAN, 195 00:09:44,216 --> 00:09:46,352 AND THE STONE IS GETTING ALL CHAFED. 196 00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,187 HARRY, I FORGOT TO EXPLAIN. 197 00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,589 THE RUBBING STONE CAN ONLY BE USED 198 00:09:50,656 --> 00:09:52,491 THREE TIMES IN A DAY. 199 00:09:52,558 --> 00:09:54,860 FOUR IF YOU TAKE A WEEK OFF. 200 00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:56,796 THEN HOW DO WE DEFEAT PUBERTUS? 201 00:09:56,862 --> 00:09:59,198 MAN, YOU CAN'T DEFEAT PUBERTUS. 202 00:09:59,265 --> 00:10:00,666 HE LIVES INSIDE Y'ALL. 203 00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:03,069 JUST AS MY OWN DEMON, WANDUS LIMPUS, 204 00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:07,640 PREVENTS ME FROM HAVING MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIPS. 205 00:10:11,577 --> 00:10:14,280 CAPTIONING PROVIDED BY TURNER STUDIOS 206 00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:17,249 ♪ [ CLUCKING ] ♪