1
00:00:03,203 --> 00:00:06,206
[ Theme music plays ]
2
00:00:06,272 --> 00:00:07,974
[ Laughs ]
3
00:00:08,041 --> 00:00:13,346
♪♪
4
00:00:13,413 --> 00:00:18,585
♪♪
5
00:00:18,651 --> 00:00:20,120
Man: It's alive!
6
00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:28,161
♪♪
7
00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:30,263
[ Laughs ]
8
00:00:30,330 --> 00:00:34,634
♪♪
9
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,636
[ Laughs ]
10
00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:39,839
Aah! Oh, no! Aah! Aah!
11
00:00:39,906 --> 00:00:41,775
[ Roars ]
Aah! Oh, God!
12
00:00:41,841 --> 00:00:43,943
[ Screaming ]
13
00:00:44,010 --> 00:00:45,378
Aah! Aah! A fucking shark!
14
00:00:45,445 --> 00:00:46,679
[ Screaming ]
15
00:00:46,746 --> 00:00:48,548
[ Record scratching ]
16
00:00:48,615 --> 00:00:50,049
One on land.
17
00:00:50,116 --> 00:00:52,719
One at sea.
18
00:00:52,786 --> 00:00:55,522
Theirs was a forbidden love.
19
00:00:55,588 --> 00:00:57,323
Just kill me already!
20
00:00:57,390 --> 00:00:59,692
The world was against them.
21
00:00:59,759 --> 00:01:02,762
We have to separate them.
If they team up, we're dead.
22
00:01:02,829 --> 00:01:04,596
-No bloody way!
-No!
23
00:01:05,265 --> 00:01:07,767
Man: [ Straining ]
They must not mate!
24
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:11,504
[ Dramatic music plays ]
25
00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:17,410
♪♪
26
00:01:17,477 --> 00:01:20,113
Can true love prevail?
27
00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:23,015
"Surt<3Turf."
28
00:01:23,082 --> 00:01:24,283
From Universal.
29
00:01:24,350 --> 00:01:27,187
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
30
00:01:27,253 --> 00:01:31,057
Kraken, feast your eyes
upon the terrible Medusa.
31
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:36,095
Throwing effort.
32
00:01:36,162 --> 00:01:38,898
There. That felt like
a safe way to get rid of that.
33
00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:43,503
Ow! Hey, who's playing Chad
for a fool?
34
00:01:43,570 --> 00:01:45,905
[ Yowls ]
35
00:01:45,972 --> 00:01:50,076
Oh, shit. With power like that,
it could finally be Chad's time!
36
00:01:50,143 --> 00:01:51,945
Let's go, hon.
To the clubs!
37
00:01:52,011 --> 00:01:53,313
End of the line,
38
00:01:53,378 --> 00:01:55,348
unless you got some
pretty girls with you.
39
00:01:55,414 --> 00:01:58,718
I got a girl that'll make you
rock hard, brah.
40
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,520
Turn into stone!
41
00:02:00,587 --> 00:02:01,621
Yeah!
We're in.
42
00:02:01,688 --> 00:02:02,755
[ Medusa shrieking ]
43
00:02:02,822 --> 00:02:04,123
-Oh!
-Oh!
44
00:02:04,190 --> 00:02:06,459
Yo, yo. Two cinnamon whiskeys
and Red Bulls, please.
45
00:02:06,526 --> 00:02:08,127
Aah!
46
00:02:08,193 --> 00:02:09,395
♪ Oh, yeah, ah, ah ♪
47
00:02:09,461 --> 00:02:10,729
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
48
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:15,068
The Kraken's brother
is here, and he is pissed!
49
00:02:15,134 --> 00:02:16,736
Guess it's up to Chad.
Man: No!
50
00:02:18,238 --> 00:02:19,873
[ Roars ]
51
00:02:19,939 --> 00:02:23,276
Feast your peepers
on this, bitch.
52
00:02:23,343 --> 00:02:24,911
Uh, babe...
Sorry, bro.
53
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,813
I took some bad ketamine
at the club.
54
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,414
I'm gonna keel.
55
00:02:28,481 --> 00:02:30,383
Whoa! Cha...
56
00:02:31,216 --> 00:02:33,152
Mario, I met someone new.
57
00:02:33,219 --> 00:02:35,121
I'm sorry,
but I'm leaving you.
58
00:02:35,188 --> 00:02:37,123
Huh? For who?
59
00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:39,058
Timothée Chalamet?
60
00:02:39,125 --> 00:02:41,594
You gotta be shitting me.
-Ha ha. What's up?
61
00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:44,430
I'm Timothée Chalamet,
and I have a thing for peaches.
62
00:02:44,497 --> 00:02:47,367
Yeah, I know.
We all know, you freak.
Pitted peaches,
unpitted peaches.
63
00:02:47,834 --> 00:02:49,969
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Huh?
64
00:02:50,036 --> 00:02:52,704
Oh, God.
65
00:02:52,772 --> 00:02:54,440
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Huh?
66
00:02:56,209 --> 00:02:57,310
[ Cellphone chimes ]
67
00:02:57,377 --> 00:02:58,678
[ Thud ]
Aah!
68
00:02:58,745 --> 00:03:01,447
[ Speaking Spanish ]
Aah!
69
00:03:01,514 --> 00:03:03,049
Aah!
[ Speaking French ]
70
00:03:05,552 --> 00:03:07,153
I only downloaded the app
to impress people
71
00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:08,955
with the idea of me
learning a new language.
72
00:03:09,022 --> 00:03:11,057
I don't actually have
the time or discipline.
73
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,158
[ Laughs ]
74
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:14,661
Aah! Aah!
I promise.
75
00:03:14,727 --> 00:03:17,329
I will never miss another day
of language practice again.
76
00:03:17,397 --> 00:03:19,132
[ Speaking German ]
77
00:03:22,835 --> 00:03:23,903
[ Screaming ]
78
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:27,740
[ Shouting in Spanish ]
79
00:03:27,807 --> 00:03:29,409
[ Announcer speaking Spanish ]
80
00:03:32,111 --> 00:03:33,179
[ Knock on door ]
81
00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:35,548
Hi. We're the pirates
of Dark Water.
82
00:03:35,615 --> 00:03:38,017
We only found 8
of the 13 Treasures of Rule
83
00:03:38,084 --> 00:03:39,619
before Fox Kids
canceled us,
84
00:03:39,686 --> 00:03:42,889
so now we're here to help you
with your dark water.
85
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:44,791
You talking about
my runny stool?
86
00:03:44,857 --> 00:03:47,594
-[ Clears throat ]
-Your drinking water, ma'am.
87
00:03:47,660 --> 00:03:49,762
This water is disgusting.
88
00:03:49,829 --> 00:03:52,565
They rerouted the Flint River
into our drinking water,
89
00:03:52,632 --> 00:03:54,100
and it ate up
the lead pipes.
90
00:03:54,167 --> 00:03:56,369
The children were
drinking liquid lead.
91
00:03:56,436 --> 00:03:58,504
This is great,
great stuff.
92
00:03:58,571 --> 00:04:01,341
What the hell are you
talking about, Sunburn?
93
00:04:01,407 --> 00:04:05,378
So we'd call it "Pirates of
Dark Water: Operation Flint."
94
00:04:05,445 --> 00:04:07,180
Right.
And who's the bad guy?
95
00:04:07,246 --> 00:04:10,550
A squid in a pirate hat
named Squinty Flinty,
96
00:04:10,617 --> 00:04:13,486
who also happens to be the head
of the Michigan Department
97
00:04:13,553 --> 00:04:15,321
of Environmental Quality.
98
00:04:15,388 --> 00:04:17,290
I am loving this.
99
00:04:17,356 --> 00:04:20,393
You want the good news
or the bad news?
100
00:04:20,459 --> 00:04:21,728
Good news?
101
00:04:21,793 --> 00:04:24,230
I'm ordering 13 episodes
right now.
102
00:04:24,297 --> 00:04:26,532
-We're back!
-Good for us.
103
00:04:26,599 --> 00:04:28,368
Uh, and the bad news?
104
00:04:28,434 --> 00:04:30,536
Fox Kids
folded 20 years ago.
105
00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:32,772
I rescued that logo out
of a Dumpster on my last day
106
00:04:32,839 --> 00:04:34,440
and have been running
"Fox Kids"
107
00:04:34,507 --> 00:04:36,242
here in my mom's
guesthouse ever since.
108
00:04:36,308 --> 00:04:39,746
We have zero budget
and make nothing.
109
00:04:39,812 --> 00:04:40,913
We'll take it.
110
00:04:40,980 --> 00:04:42,181
Great. Sign here.
111
00:04:42,248 --> 00:04:43,616
Click and sign.
112
00:04:43,683 --> 00:04:45,183
Oh, Jesus Christ.
113
00:04:45,585 --> 00:04:47,587
[ Groans ]
Mitch, where are we?
114
00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:49,255
What's this thing
on my head?
115
00:04:49,322 --> 00:04:50,523
Jigsaw: Mitch and Maggie,
116
00:04:50,590 --> 00:04:52,925
your selfish natures
led to your divorce,
117
00:04:52,992 --> 00:04:55,061
and now you'll test
whether your love
118
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,896
ever meant anything at all.
119
00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:58,998
Maggie has a reverse bear trap
120
00:04:59,065 --> 00:05:02,835
that will split open
her skull in one minute.
Aah!
121
00:05:02,902 --> 00:05:05,571
The key's hidden in the stomach
of this woman.
122
00:05:05,638 --> 00:05:09,375
Who lives, who dies --
Make your choice.
123
00:05:09,442 --> 00:05:11,344
Oh, shit.
Oh, God, oh, God!
124
00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:13,646
Vicki!
My much younger fiancée?!
125
00:05:13,713 --> 00:05:15,248
I'm so sorry, Vicki,
but I just realized
126
00:05:15,314 --> 00:05:16,582
I still have feelings
for my ex-wife.
127
00:05:16,649 --> 00:05:18,484
I mean, she's the mother
of my two girls.
128
00:05:18,551 --> 00:05:20,119
Stab!
Ow.
129
00:05:20,186 --> 00:05:21,454
Hurry!
Oh, my stomach!
130
00:05:21,521 --> 00:05:24,424
Stab from the middle.
You're doing it all wrong.
131
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,826
Will you stop fucking
micromanaging me?!
132
00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:28,861
I know how to stab someone.
133
00:05:28,928 --> 00:05:30,063
I don't think our plan
134
00:05:30,129 --> 00:05:31,597
to get our parents
back together is working.
135
00:05:31,664 --> 00:05:33,299
[ Bell dings ]
136
00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:34,500
Aah!
137
00:05:34,567 --> 00:05:36,302
Ah! There!
See? You happy now?
138
00:05:38,571 --> 00:05:41,374
This is Billy the Puppet
from "The Parent Death Trap."
139
00:05:41,441 --> 00:05:44,610
And you're watching Disney Plus.
140
00:05:44,677 --> 00:05:46,713
[ Twinkle! ]
141
00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:49,849
♪ I love my Pogs ♪
142
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:51,951
Here, hon.
I bought you some toys.
143
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,786
Moon shoes!
Thanks, Mom.
144
00:05:53,853 --> 00:05:55,121
You want
to watch me bounce?
145
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,623
Oh, sorry, honey.
It's Mommy's meth time.
146
00:05:57,690 --> 00:05:59,525
[ Vehicle door opens, closes ]
Lookit. These are so cool.
147
00:05:59,592 --> 00:06:01,627
Now, how do these shoes work?
148
00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:02,495
[ Boing! ]
149
00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:04,263
Whooooa!
150
00:06:04,330 --> 00:06:05,431
Oh, shit!
151
00:06:05,498 --> 00:06:06,599
[ Door opens ]
152
00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:10,937
What is happening?
[ Laughs ]
153
00:06:11,003 --> 00:06:13,806
You stupid Earthlings
equip your brood with shoes
154
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,708
that catapult them
into the heavens.
155
00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:17,777
We track them to work
as captives
156
00:06:17,844 --> 00:06:20,813
on our diarrhea mines
of Mazashi 12.
157
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:23,316
Diarrhea mines? Not today.
158
00:06:24,283 --> 00:06:26,119
[ Gasps ] Soccer Boppers!
159
00:06:26,185 --> 00:06:27,954
The Masashs'
only weakness.
160
00:06:28,020 --> 00:06:29,288
Have a little sock!
161
00:06:29,355 --> 00:06:31,357
And the bopping!
No! No!
162
00:06:31,424 --> 00:06:33,058
I am defeated.
163
00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:35,361
But you will not survive.
164
00:06:35,428 --> 00:06:36,763
[ Alarm blaring ]
165
00:06:36,829 --> 00:06:39,699
Whoooooo!
166
00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:41,701
Skip-It time!
167
00:06:45,037 --> 00:06:47,607
Mom, Mom! The moon shoes
blasted me into outer space,
168
00:06:47,673 --> 00:06:49,041
but this Skip-It saved me.
169
00:06:49,108 --> 00:06:50,710
Oh, no, sweetie.
The moon shoes broke
170
00:06:50,777 --> 00:06:52,445
your ankles
almost immediately.
171
00:06:52,512 --> 00:06:54,914
You fell
and cracked your skull open.
172
00:06:54,981 --> 00:06:57,517
This whole adventure
is just the last of your neurons
173
00:06:57,582 --> 00:07:00,887
firing randomly
before you die.
174
00:07:00,953 --> 00:07:02,455
Moon shoes!
175
00:07:02,522 --> 00:07:04,624
♪ '90 toys,
we were there for you ♪
176
00:07:04,690 --> 00:07:06,592
♪ When your parents
were on meth ♪
177
00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:10,429
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
178
00:07:10,496 --> 00:07:13,933
who is
the fairest of them all?
179
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:19,005
I shall have to say it's
Big Butt Mary in River Town.
180
00:07:19,071 --> 00:07:21,541
My God, it's magnificent.
181
00:07:22,241 --> 00:07:24,377
Past Jedi, be with me.
182
00:07:24,443 --> 00:07:25,878
Please, I need your help.
183
00:07:25,945 --> 00:07:27,380
-We're here, Rey.
-Use the Force.
184
00:07:27,446 --> 00:07:30,449
Hey, hey, hey!
Don't forget me, Yarael Poof.
185
00:07:30,516 --> 00:07:32,485
Remember me?
From the Jedi Council.
186
00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:34,787
Oh, gosh,
it is dark and musty in here.
187
00:07:34,854 --> 00:07:36,722
I'm here for you, too,
Rey.
188
00:07:36,789 --> 00:07:38,257
We're a dyad in the Force.
189
00:07:38,324 --> 00:07:41,394
Dyad? Oh. So are we just,
like, making things up?
190
00:07:42,628 --> 00:07:44,163
Uhh!
So, hey, Rey.
191
00:07:44,230 --> 00:07:45,898
I can tag in any time.
192
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:48,134
You know, if you want the help
of an honest-to-goodness Jedi,
193
00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,136
as opposed to Captain
Emo or...
194
00:07:53,272 --> 00:07:54,507
She's gonna die.
195
00:07:54,574 --> 00:07:56,843
Force, healing power.
[ Grunts ]
196
00:07:56,909 --> 00:07:59,312
Could we always just heal people
with the Force like that?
197
00:07:59,378 --> 00:08:00,746
It seems to me
that that would have been
198
00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:02,582
a useful thing to know.
199
00:08:04,884 --> 00:08:08,254
I think, you know, I and a lot
of other people assumed you two
200
00:08:08,321 --> 00:08:10,890
were at the very least cousins.
All I'm saying is maybe
201
00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:13,326
let's do a little
back-of-the-napkin family tree
202
00:08:13,392 --> 00:08:15,595
before we lock
any lips, okay?
203
00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:17,196
Yarael Poof, is it?
204
00:08:17,263 --> 00:08:20,433
Could you grab my spaceship and
bring it around to pick us up?
205
00:08:20,499 --> 00:08:22,468
Oh, yeah, great.
Once again,
206
00:08:22,535 --> 00:08:25,471
Yarael the Jedi Master
does the grunt work. Oy.
207
00:08:25,538 --> 00:08:28,207
[ Weakly ]
Giving you my life force.
208
00:08:28,274 --> 00:08:29,675
You're cousins!
209
00:08:31,277 --> 00:08:32,278
[ Gasps ]
210
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,746
[ Crying ]
211
00:08:33,813 --> 00:08:35,114
Cousins!
212
00:08:35,181 --> 00:08:38,116
This holiday season
on the Hallmark Channel...
213
00:08:38,183 --> 00:08:40,653
I'm a recently divorced teacher
who needed a change.
214
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:43,256
I left my phone, my laptop,
and my dignity at home
215
00:08:43,322 --> 00:08:44,624
for a week in the mountains,
216
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:46,826
but I never thought
I'd find love amongst the trees.
217
00:08:46,893 --> 00:08:48,728
I'm a curmudgeonly
lodge rental owner
218
00:08:48,794 --> 00:08:50,696
who's never given love
a chance...
219
00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:52,298
until now.
[ Gasps ]
220
00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:54,133
Oh, Cameron, I --
221
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,368
Hold on.
222
00:08:55,434 --> 00:08:58,037
Do you feel like the trees
just got closer?
223
00:08:58,104 --> 00:08:58,971
What do you mean?
224
00:08:59,038 --> 00:08:59,906
That!
225
00:08:59,972 --> 00:09:01,073
[ Both scream ]
226
00:09:01,140 --> 00:09:02,608
We can hide out
in the lodge.
227
00:09:04,143 --> 00:09:05,978
Oh, fuck!
228
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:07,813
Why are there so many trees
in here?
229
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,349
How else will people know
it's Christmas time?
230
00:09:10,416 --> 00:09:14,287
Ohh! This is
not love amongst the trees!
231
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:17,223
[ Slurps ] Ahh!
232
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:18,624
This is the life.
233
00:09:18,691 --> 00:09:20,226
I love you, Doris.
234
00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:21,594
I love you, too, Fred.
235
00:09:21,661 --> 00:09:25,164
"Pining for Tree Love 3:
Sappily Ever After."
236
00:09:25,231 --> 00:09:26,565
Only on the Hallmark Channel.
237
00:09:26,632 --> 00:09:29,535
Hallmark.
We cast more trees than people.
238
00:09:29,936 --> 00:09:32,004
Man: We did it.
We traveled through time
239
00:09:32,071 --> 00:09:33,906
and saved the world. Yeah.
240
00:09:33,973 --> 00:09:37,243
Dad, when I grow up,
I'm gonna invent time travel.
241
00:09:37,310 --> 00:09:38,377
Aah!
242
00:09:38,444 --> 00:09:39,745
We are in the past.
243
00:09:39,812 --> 00:09:41,147
Where is the child?
244
00:09:41,213 --> 00:09:44,850
He is the one who will
invent time travel. Kill him.
245
00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:45,985
What did you do?
246
00:09:46,052 --> 00:09:48,287
I just said,
"I want to invent time travel."
247
00:09:48,354 --> 00:09:50,823
Where is
the inventor of time travel?
248
00:09:50,890 --> 00:09:54,193
He must pay for what
the future has become.
249
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:58,130
Death to the time child.
250
00:09:58,197 --> 00:10:00,866
Energy volts.
251
00:10:00,933 --> 00:10:03,469
Do not invent time travel,
young man!
252
00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:05,471
I won't. I promise.
253
00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:06,906
Oh, thank God.
254
00:10:06,973 --> 00:10:08,841
It's over.
Good.
255
00:10:08,908 --> 00:10:11,344
Because I totally want
to invent time travel.
256
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:15,715
The future demands
the child's death!
257
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:17,316
What's wrong with you?!
258
00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:18,617
[ Wails ]
259
00:10:19,819 --> 00:10:20,953
Aah!
Aah!
260
00:10:21,020 --> 00:10:22,922
I am you,
but from the future.
261
00:10:22,989 --> 00:10:25,524
Inventing time travel disrupted
all of reality.
262
00:10:25,591 --> 00:10:28,561
You must give up your dream
of inventing time travel.
263
00:10:28,627 --> 00:10:30,997
Okay!
But it would have been cool.
264
00:10:31,063 --> 00:10:33,199
Actually it's totally cool.
265
00:10:33,265 --> 00:10:34,600
Ha! I knew it.
266
00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:37,370
Future me!
Oh, come on!
267
00:10:37,436 --> 00:10:39,972
Creature: Murder the Time Child!
Murder him!
268
00:10:40,039 --> 00:10:42,174
You just lost
your TV privileges, young man.
269
00:10:42,241 --> 00:10:44,143
Oh, Dad!
270
00:10:44,210 --> 00:10:45,177
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
271
00:10:45,244 --> 00:10:46,512
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
272
00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:48,514
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
273
00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:49,682
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
274
00:10:49,749 --> 00:10:51,017
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
275
00:10:51,083 --> 00:10:52,852
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
276
00:10:52,918 --> 00:10:53,853
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
277
00:10:53,919 --> 00:10:55,187
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk ♪
278
00:10:55,254 --> 00:10:57,189
♪ Ba-bawk bawk bawk-a-wawk
wawk bawk bawk ♪
279
00:10:57,256 --> 00:10:59,358
Ba-gawk! Bawk.
280
00:11:02,094 --> 00:11:03,429
Stoopid Monkey.