1 00:00:03,436 --> 00:00:09,042 ♪♪ 2 00:00:09,109 --> 00:00:10,076 ♪ Archie ♪ 3 00:00:10,143 --> 00:00:11,111 ♪ Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok ♪ 4 00:00:11,177 --> 00:00:13,413 ♪ And Robot Chicken, yeah ♪ 5 00:00:13,480 --> 00:00:16,282 ♪ The combo you've been waiting for ♪ 6 00:00:16,349 --> 00:00:17,183 ♪ Jughead ♪ 7 00:00:17,250 --> 00:00:18,785 ♪ Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok ♪ 8 00:00:18,852 --> 00:00:20,053 ♪ Oh, Betty, Ronnie ♪ 9 00:00:20,120 --> 00:00:21,788 ♪ Bok, bok, bok, bok, bok ♪ 10 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,690 ♪ Reggie and the other ones ♪ 11 00:00:23,757 --> 00:00:26,860 ♪ God, there are so many other ones ♪ 12 00:00:26,926 --> 00:00:28,061 Announcer: It's the 13 00:00:28,128 --> 00:00:30,697 "Robot Chicken Archie Comics Special." 14 00:00:33,566 --> 00:00:35,468 We've picked up a distress signal nearby. 15 00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:38,872 -It's coming from that ship. -It's our duty to investigate. 16 00:00:38,938 --> 00:00:41,641 Josie, we'll be late for Pluto-chella. 17 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:44,244 [ Giggles ] I thought Venus-palooza was next. 18 00:00:44,310 --> 00:00:45,678 That's after Burning Mars. 19 00:00:45,745 --> 00:00:48,715 Did we commit to Uranus Aid? 20 00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:49,949 Oh, for Christ's sake. 21 00:00:50,016 --> 00:00:51,551 We got to fix the laugh track, guys. 22 00:00:51,618 --> 00:00:52,919 Hello! The distress call. 23 00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:54,220 Speaking of distress, 24 00:00:54,287 --> 00:00:56,956 we forgot to take Sebastian out of cryo sleep. 25 00:00:57,023 --> 00:00:58,691 Whoo-hoo! 26 00:01:01,361 --> 00:01:03,797 Guide it in the back door, Alan, gently. 27 00:01:03,863 --> 00:01:07,033 Actually, Josie, it's the other ship's job to relax. 28 00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:08,334 Thank you very much. 29 00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:11,838 Oh, yeah! Baby! 30 00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:15,575 Say, where's Alan M.? 31 00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:17,944 [ Giggles ] He said he spilled a coconut smoothie 32 00:01:18,011 --> 00:01:20,346 on his lap, and then he fell asleep. 33 00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:22,582 We don't have coconut smoothies. 34 00:01:22,649 --> 00:01:24,417 Hm, no sign of life. 35 00:01:24,484 --> 00:01:26,820 I guess I can re-route the auxiliary power 36 00:01:26,886 --> 00:01:29,021 so we can see their last flight log. 37 00:01:31,057 --> 00:01:32,091 It worked! 38 00:01:32,158 --> 00:01:33,860 Hey, y'all, this is D.J. from DuJour 39 00:01:33,926 --> 00:01:36,529 coming at you with the c-c-c-crisis! 40 00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:38,932 DuJour? I heard their record company 41 00:01:38,997 --> 00:01:41,468 shot them into space after their unique brand of 42 00:01:41,533 --> 00:01:43,670 top 40 homo-erotica fell out of favor. 43 00:01:43,735 --> 00:01:45,138 What do you mean? 44 00:01:45,205 --> 00:01:48,041 "Back Door Lover" is a classic. So is "Fisting in the USA." 45 00:01:48,107 --> 00:01:49,676 Yo, what's up with your boy Travis? 46 00:01:49,741 --> 00:01:51,544 Bummer times on our journey. 47 00:01:51,610 --> 00:01:54,247 And we're here with a wickity wickity warning. 48 00:01:54,314 --> 00:01:56,149 Oh, God. They're going to sing. 49 00:01:56,216 --> 00:01:57,851 ♪♪ 50 00:01:57,917 --> 00:02:00,119 ♪ Whoa, whoa ♪ 51 00:02:00,186 --> 00:02:02,121 ♪ I'll take you to the stars inside ♪ 52 00:02:02,188 --> 00:02:03,990 ♪ But the price is much too steep ♪ 53 00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:05,625 DuJour means may day. 54 00:02:05,692 --> 00:02:08,228 ♪ Aboard our ship, our souls so damned ♪ 55 00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:10,229 ♪ Lurks a danger known as ♪ 56 00:02:10,295 --> 00:02:12,699 -Oooh! -DuJour! 57 00:02:12,765 --> 00:02:14,167 [ Screaming ] 58 00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:15,568 DuJour meets death, y'all. 59 00:02:15,635 --> 00:02:18,872 Lee? They must have said a bad word. 60 00:02:19,772 --> 00:02:20,773 [ All screaming ] 61 00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:21,841 -Oh, God! -What the?! 62 00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:23,376 Aah! 63 00:02:24,110 --> 00:02:26,746 Okay, people, we've got just five minutes for corpse selfies, 64 00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:28,081 and then we're back on the road. 65 00:02:28,147 --> 00:02:29,449 [ Camera shutters clicking ] Okay, big smiles. 66 00:02:29,516 --> 00:02:30,750 Selfie! 67 00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:32,352 Mary, I'm home. 68 00:02:32,418 --> 00:02:34,954 Dinner's cold, but I suppose you ate at the bar. 69 00:02:35,021 --> 00:02:36,823 Oh, God, I had one beer. 70 00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:38,825 How much sherry did you pound down making that 71 00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:40,426 two ingredient meat loaf? 72 00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:42,462 Don't raise your voice. You're scaring little Archie. 73 00:02:42,529 --> 00:02:44,163 Oh, you noticed we had a child? 74 00:02:44,230 --> 00:02:45,531 Now that it's convenient? 75 00:02:45,598 --> 00:02:47,100 I play with him all day long, Fred. 76 00:02:47,166 --> 00:02:48,268 I got bruises on my knees. 77 00:02:48,334 --> 00:02:49,802 I'm on the floor playing with him so much. 78 00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:51,404 Oh, you've got bruises all right. 79 00:02:51,471 --> 00:02:53,606 [ Sobs ] From falling down drunk 80 00:02:53,673 --> 00:02:55,375 from sherry, drinking it. 81 00:02:55,441 --> 00:02:57,210 You know what? I want a divorce. 82 00:02:57,277 --> 00:02:59,112 And I'm taking Archie. Archie, come to me. 83 00:02:59,178 --> 00:03:01,347 No, I'm the only mother you'll ever have. 84 00:03:01,414 --> 00:03:02,382 Come to Mommy. 85 00:03:02,448 --> 00:03:04,484 Archie, you love me. Prove it. Choose me. 86 00:03:04,551 --> 00:03:05,885 No, Archie, come to me. 87 00:03:05,952 --> 00:03:07,053 Choose the one you love the most. 88 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:08,154 Don't you fuck this up, Archie. 89 00:03:08,221 --> 00:03:09,022 Come to me! Come to me! 90 00:03:09,088 --> 00:03:10,557 [ Crying ] 91 00:03:10,623 --> 00:03:12,258 Oh, God, oh, God. What have we done? 92 00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:13,493 I'm so sorry, Archie. 93 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:14,861 I'm sorry, Mary. Let it be okay. 94 00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:16,129 Oh, God. I'm so sorry. 95 00:03:16,195 --> 00:03:18,932 I'm so sorry. Oh, Fred, we've scarred them for life. 96 00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:22,335 You'll be fine, won't you, son? You'll -- you'll be okay. 97 00:03:23,269 --> 00:03:26,139 You have to choose Archie, me or Veronica. 98 00:03:26,204 --> 00:03:28,441 Uh, uh, uh... 99 00:03:28,508 --> 00:03:30,076 [ Sobs ] 100 00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:32,612 Uh, what the hell is wrong with him? 101 00:03:32,679 --> 00:03:35,548 Today is Sex Education Day, class. 102 00:03:35,615 --> 00:03:37,150 The boys are with Principal Weatherbee, 103 00:03:37,216 --> 00:03:38,585 the poor bastard. 104 00:03:38,651 --> 00:03:41,120 And I'll be teaching you ladies. 105 00:03:41,187 --> 00:03:43,055 This is the vagina. 106 00:03:43,122 --> 00:03:44,591 [ Gasps ] 107 00:03:44,656 --> 00:03:45,925 We've lost Miss Cooper. 108 00:03:45,992 --> 00:03:49,395 Any other shrinking violets ready to tap out? 109 00:03:49,462 --> 00:03:51,331 Excuse me, but shouldn't we learn about sex 110 00:03:51,397 --> 00:03:54,267 from someone...experienced? 111 00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:57,503 I think what Veronica means is the modern sexual experience 112 00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:00,073 is likely somewhat different than what you grew up with. 113 00:04:00,139 --> 00:04:03,509 I'll have you know I had sex last week. 114 00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:04,744 [ All gasp ] 115 00:04:04,811 --> 00:04:06,879 [ Laughing ] 116 00:04:06,946 --> 00:04:08,348 [ Shudders ] 117 00:04:09,315 --> 00:04:11,551 [ Screams ] 118 00:04:11,618 --> 00:04:12,585 [ Shudders ] 119 00:04:12,652 --> 00:04:14,053 Team work, boys. Team work. 120 00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,421 Let me juggle them balls. 121 00:04:15,488 --> 00:04:17,055 Yep, that's hot. 122 00:04:17,123 --> 00:04:18,625 Oh, the hell with this. 123 00:04:18,690 --> 00:04:20,125 I wonder how the Bee is doing. 124 00:04:20,192 --> 00:04:23,529 Raise your hand if you've seen porn. 125 00:04:23,596 --> 00:04:25,999 It will never be that good. 126 00:04:26,065 --> 00:04:29,969 Man: Let the first annual Riverdale Pride parade begin. 127 00:04:31,037 --> 00:04:33,406 Pride Day! 128 00:04:33,473 --> 00:04:34,574 We support you! 129 00:04:34,641 --> 00:04:36,376 Great bravery, Kevin! 130 00:04:36,976 --> 00:04:39,112 Yeah, baby! 131 00:04:39,178 --> 00:04:41,914 Man: And that concludes the Riverdale Pride parade. 132 00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:43,449 That went so much better 133 00:04:43,516 --> 00:04:45,618 than our Black History Month parade, right? 134 00:04:45,685 --> 00:04:48,254 Yeah, a Black history parade with our only Black guy 135 00:04:48,321 --> 00:04:50,123 kind of sucked, Chuck. 136 00:04:50,189 --> 00:04:52,158 You knew I was out of town. 137 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:53,993 Miss Spellman! 138 00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:58,965 Are you ready to sign the Book of the Beast?! 139 00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:00,733 Mm, I don't know. 140 00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:03,269 This decision will affect my entire life. 141 00:05:03,336 --> 00:05:05,505 -Do it! -Do it! 142 00:05:05,571 --> 00:05:07,240 [ All clamoring ] 143 00:05:09,175 --> 00:05:10,309 Oh... 144 00:05:10,376 --> 00:05:13,046 18% interest on a student loan? 145 00:05:13,112 --> 00:05:14,380 That's bullshit. 146 00:05:14,447 --> 00:05:15,848 What's up, fart sticks? 147 00:05:15,915 --> 00:05:19,285 It's your boy, the myth, the legend, the mantle, Reggie. 148 00:05:19,352 --> 00:05:20,353 [ Bells ringing ] 149 00:05:20,420 --> 00:05:21,821 Announcer: That's a big boy. 150 00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:23,523 I'm here at Sweetwater River Trail 151 00:05:23,589 --> 00:05:27,794 to show you all the places I've totally s-s-s-scored! 152 00:05:27,860 --> 00:05:30,830 Like behind that tree and that smaller tree. 153 00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:33,399 And -- what the hell is this? Is that Jason? 154 00:05:33,466 --> 00:05:35,635 Jason, are you dead, dude? Oh, man. 155 00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:37,603 Did you pork your sister so many times 156 00:05:37,670 --> 00:05:39,072 you kill-basa'd over? 157 00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:40,540 [ Ringing ] [ Laughs ] 158 00:05:40,606 --> 00:05:42,575 Incest is hilarious, man. 159 00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:44,010 That's some "Game of Thrones" shit. 160 00:05:44,077 --> 00:05:46,379 Well, there you have it, nug muffins. 161 00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:50,516 All the places I've gone to Poundtown and a dead body! 162 00:05:50,582 --> 00:05:52,018 Hey, anyone see Principal Weatherbee 163 00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:54,454 come out of the bathroom with toilet paper stuck on his shoe? 164 00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:55,755 What a loser. 165 00:05:55,822 --> 00:05:58,357 Don't you mean poor, old, and fat loser? 166 00:05:58,424 --> 00:06:00,059 That's the loser hat trick. 167 00:06:00,126 --> 00:06:02,695 [ Laughter ] 168 00:06:03,796 --> 00:06:05,098 [ Sighs ] 169 00:06:05,164 --> 00:06:07,800 ♪ Mr. Weatherbee wakes each day before the sun ♪ 170 00:06:07,867 --> 00:06:09,268 Here we go again. 171 00:06:09,335 --> 00:06:13,506 ♪ He boils his egg, making sure the yolk does not run ♪ 172 00:06:13,573 --> 00:06:15,875 ♪ Or he'll have no fun ♪ 173 00:06:15,942 --> 00:06:17,276 [ Sighs ] 174 00:06:17,343 --> 00:06:19,378 ♪ Mr. Weatherbee, he gets dressed, picking out a tie ♪ 175 00:06:19,445 --> 00:06:21,047 Here we go. You got this. 176 00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:24,917 ♪ This he thinks is the way to catch Miss Grundy's eye ♪ 177 00:06:24,984 --> 00:06:26,886 ♪ But he knows she's rather die ♪ 178 00:06:26,953 --> 00:06:28,521 Piece of shit. 179 00:06:28,588 --> 00:06:30,289 ♪ He goes to work, which is a school ♪ 180 00:06:30,356 --> 00:06:32,058 ♪ So he feels rather caught ♪ 181 00:06:32,125 --> 00:06:34,260 ♪ Not a man and not a boy ♪ 182 00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:35,862 ♪ His life is rather fraught ♪ 183 00:06:35,928 --> 00:06:39,832 ♪ He neither teaches nor is taught ♪ 184 00:06:39,899 --> 00:06:41,868 ♪ He'll see Miss Grundy in the lounge ♪ 185 00:06:41,933 --> 00:06:43,803 ♪ Sipping her hot tea ♪ 186 00:06:43,870 --> 00:06:47,540 ♪ If only he were the tea so in her mouth he'd be ♪ 187 00:06:47,607 --> 00:06:49,275 ♪ Her tongue so slippery ♪ 188 00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:50,510 What are you looking at? 189 00:06:50,576 --> 00:06:52,345 ♪ Mr. Weatherbee walks the halls ♪ 190 00:06:52,411 --> 00:06:54,313 ♪ The kids will ignore him ♪ 191 00:06:54,380 --> 00:06:56,082 ♪ His loneliness unbearable ♪ 192 00:06:56,149 --> 00:06:58,451 ♪ This life is wearing thin ♪ 193 00:06:58,518 --> 00:07:00,987 ♪ Maybe tonight he'll make it end ♪ 194 00:07:01,053 --> 00:07:02,088 ♪ Oh ♪ 195 00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:03,890 ♪ The red haired he hates the most ♪ 196 00:07:03,956 --> 00:07:05,758 ♪ But it's really jealousy ♪ Archie! 197 00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:07,727 ♪ For Weatherbee would like to be the one ♪ 198 00:07:07,794 --> 00:07:09,662 ♪ To have Veronica or Betty ♪ 199 00:07:09,729 --> 00:07:11,898 ♪ Or Veronica and Betty ♪ 200 00:07:11,964 --> 00:07:14,267 Their faces practically the same 201 00:07:14,333 --> 00:07:16,836 ♪ Differing only by color of their hair ♪ 202 00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:20,640 ♪ He imagines their smooth young bodies ♪ 203 00:07:20,706 --> 00:07:25,778 ♪ He wishes he were their underwear ♪ 204 00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:28,014 [ Bell rings ] ♪ Suddenly the school bell rings ♪ 205 00:07:28,080 --> 00:07:29,615 ♪ Waking him from his reverie ♪ 206 00:07:29,682 --> 00:07:31,584 ♪ He looks down at his open pants ♪ 207 00:07:31,651 --> 00:07:34,253 ♪ The erection plain to see ♪ 208 00:07:34,320 --> 00:07:37,690 ♪ They all scream, "Look at him!" ♪ 209 00:07:37,757 --> 00:07:41,794 ♪ The news helicopter overhead circles endlessly ♪ 210 00:07:41,861 --> 00:07:44,897 ♪ Gently placed in the police car is Mr. Weatherbee ♪ 211 00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:46,332 My phone. 212 00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:49,936 ♪ The monster Weatherbee ♪ Anyone would have done it. 213 00:07:50,002 --> 00:07:52,338 I'm just a man. I'm just a man. 214 00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:53,806 What's up, taint tubas? 215 00:07:53,873 --> 00:07:56,509 So it turns out the people aren't huge fans of me 216 00:07:56,576 --> 00:07:58,411 live streaming dead bodies to children. 217 00:07:58,477 --> 00:08:02,348 I "legally" apologize. 218 00:08:02,415 --> 00:08:03,649 [ Ding ] 219 00:08:03,716 --> 00:08:04,984 [ Horns blowing ] Oh, yeah! 220 00:08:05,051 --> 00:08:07,220 So join me tomorrow when I'll be taking a dump 221 00:08:07,286 --> 00:08:09,055 in Betty and Veronica's shoes to see 222 00:08:09,121 --> 00:08:12,124 which one Archie would rather smell. 223 00:08:12,191 --> 00:08:13,759 Hey, Moose. Hey, Midge. 224 00:08:13,826 --> 00:08:16,462 She's mine! Aaah! 225 00:08:16,529 --> 00:08:19,365 Don't ever talk to my Midge! 226 00:08:19,432 --> 00:08:21,801 Moose! Stop being so jealous. 227 00:08:21,868 --> 00:08:23,536 Duh... 228 00:08:23,603 --> 00:08:24,871 Interesting. 229 00:08:29,876 --> 00:08:32,912 "You know who is hot? Midge from Riverdale. 230 00:08:32,979 --> 00:08:34,780 I want to kiss Midge." 231 00:08:34,847 --> 00:08:35,715 Aaah! Aaah! 232 00:08:35,780 --> 00:08:37,183 My Midge! 233 00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:39,485 Duh, duh, duh, duh. 234 00:08:39,552 --> 00:08:41,153 Duh, duh, duh, duh. 235 00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:44,590 No! Duh, duh, duh! 236 00:08:44,657 --> 00:08:46,425 Duh! 237 00:08:46,492 --> 00:08:48,060 Incredible! 238 00:08:48,127 --> 00:08:49,729 Even the Green Berets couldn't cause 239 00:08:49,795 --> 00:08:51,530 this much damage, Midge. 240 00:08:51,898 --> 00:08:53,299 Midge? 241 00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,767 Aaaah! 242 00:08:56,636 --> 00:08:58,004 My Midge! 243 00:08:58,337 --> 00:08:59,972 Incredible! 244 00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:03,476 Well, I'll be damned. We had coconut smoothies 245 00:09:03,542 --> 00:09:05,011 this whole time. Ooh! 246 00:09:05,077 --> 00:09:08,247 Sebastian's done. [ Giggles ] Ooh! 247 00:09:08,314 --> 00:09:10,049 That's some hot pussy. 248 00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:12,451 [ Beeping ] 249 00:09:12,518 --> 00:09:14,153 Something's wrong in the engine room. 250 00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,722 Alex, go check it out. Uh, why do I have to go? 251 00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:18,557 Because somebody needs to play 252 00:09:18,624 --> 00:09:20,660 the "Checking out the engine room" song, 253 00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:22,695 and you're a talentless hack. 254 00:09:22,762 --> 00:09:24,196 Yeah, got me there. 255 00:09:24,263 --> 00:09:26,866 ♪ Engine room, engine room ♪ 256 00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:29,402 ♪ We sent Alex to the engine room ♪ 257 00:09:29,468 --> 00:09:32,338 ♪ He's going to check it out, that engine room ♪ 258 00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,173 Guys, I don't see anything. 259 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,776 ♪ Keep on checking that engine room ♪ 260 00:09:36,842 --> 00:09:38,444 Who's there? 261 00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:39,512 Aaaah! 262 00:09:39,578 --> 00:09:40,980 ♪ Engine room ♪ 263 00:09:41,047 --> 00:09:42,581 Aw, you're not dangerous. 264 00:09:42,648 --> 00:09:43,983 You're a friendly little fella. 265 00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:45,351 [ Roars ] 266 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,453 Although this is unsettling. 267 00:09:48,721 --> 00:09:49,889 ♪ Engine room ♪ 268 00:09:49,956 --> 00:09:52,558 ♪ Everything's fine in the engine room ♪ 269 00:09:52,625 --> 00:09:54,460 -Oh, no! -♪ Talking about ♪ 270 00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:56,329 ♪ That engine room, yeah ♪ 271 00:09:56,395 --> 00:09:59,031 Alan! Alexander's dead. 272 00:09:59,098 --> 00:10:02,201 I'm an only child now with double the inheritance. 273 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:03,936 Oh, no. Sis, sis. 274 00:10:04,003 --> 00:10:07,173 Why, Alexander? 275 00:10:07,239 --> 00:10:10,109 Whatever killed DuJour is on this ship now. 276 00:10:11,944 --> 00:10:13,279 Whoo! 277 00:10:13,346 --> 00:10:15,448 Lace up your running shoes, gang, because it's time for a... 278 00:10:15,514 --> 00:10:16,983 All: Chase montage! 279 00:10:17,049 --> 00:10:19,085 ♪ Chase montage, let's run and run ♪ 280 00:10:19,151 --> 00:10:25,024 ♪♪ 281 00:10:25,091 --> 00:10:27,293 Ooh, escape pod! 282 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:29,295 Whoo! 283 00:10:29,362 --> 00:10:32,898 ♪ Space fromage is yum, yum, yum ♪ 284 00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:34,834 [ Screams ] 285 00:10:38,604 --> 00:10:40,840 [ Beeping ] 286 00:10:40,906 --> 00:10:42,074 [ Whirring ] 287 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,644 ♪ Recycled gags will pack our scripts ♪ 288 00:10:45,711 --> 00:10:48,147 ♪ Hanna-Barbera, the comedy grip ♪ 289 00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:50,249 Ow! My tail! 290 00:10:50,316 --> 00:10:52,485 Valerie, our tails are not real. 291 00:10:52,551 --> 00:10:53,919 Mine was a butt plug. 292 00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:57,289 Val! Oh! 293 00:10:57,356 --> 00:10:59,158 No! Josie, get back! 294 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:07,867 Alan, everyone's dead. What do we do now? 295 00:11:07,933 --> 00:11:11,670 Well, I'm still in the mood for splitting things in half. 296 00:11:11,737 --> 00:11:13,205 Huh? Yeah. Oh, Alan. 297 00:11:13,272 --> 00:11:14,774 No? 298 00:11:19,712 --> 00:11:21,580 Hey, girl, when did you get flippers? 299 00:11:21,647 --> 00:11:23,249 What? 300 00:11:23,315 --> 00:11:24,183 [ Screams ] 301 00:11:24,250 --> 00:11:25,518 [ Screams ] 302 00:11:29,255 --> 00:11:31,424 Oh, I'm so stressed. I've got the squirties. 303 00:11:31,490 --> 00:11:33,292 My sister Polly comes home today. 304 00:11:33,359 --> 00:11:35,127 Oh, yeah, from the insane asylum. 305 00:11:35,194 --> 00:11:37,163 We call it the hospital. 306 00:11:37,229 --> 00:11:39,665 But yes, she always makes life so difficult. 307 00:11:39,732 --> 00:11:41,967 Blam! Dun-da-na-na! 308 00:11:42,034 --> 00:11:43,736 Polly Cooper's home, skanks. 309 00:11:43,803 --> 00:11:44,703 Ugh. 310 00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:46,439 For the purposes of this sketch, 311 00:11:46,505 --> 00:11:49,040 I will be playing the role of Polly Cooper. 312 00:11:49,108 --> 00:11:52,278 ♪ I am Polly Cooper, I am Polly Cooper ♪ 313 00:11:52,344 --> 00:11:54,046 No! This is confusing. 314 00:11:54,113 --> 00:11:56,148 It doesn't track, and I don't follow the logic. 315 00:11:56,215 --> 00:12:00,719 Damn! When do we get a studio audience? Hey! 316 00:12:00,786 --> 00:12:02,121 [ Record needle scratches ] What up, sis?! 317 00:12:02,188 --> 00:12:04,557 Polly, hey, welcome home. 318 00:12:04,623 --> 00:12:06,992 Veronica Lodge, you still got hemorrhoids 319 00:12:07,059 --> 00:12:09,462 from shitting all them diamonds? 320 00:12:09,528 --> 00:12:10,496 Yes. Fuck Head! 321 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,665 Oh, fuck. Can't miss you in a crowd 322 00:12:12,731 --> 00:12:14,567 with a nose like Pinocchio's dick. 323 00:12:14,633 --> 00:12:16,068 Nice crown, asshole! 324 00:12:16,135 --> 00:12:17,736 It's called a whoopy cap! 325 00:12:17,803 --> 00:12:20,139 I'll bust a whoopy cap in your ass! 326 00:12:20,206 --> 00:12:22,374 Garcon, let me get a fucking milkshake. 327 00:12:22,441 --> 00:12:23,909 Sure thing, Polly. Cherry on top? 328 00:12:23,976 --> 00:12:26,145 No, thanks. I'll just use Betty's. 329 00:12:26,212 --> 00:12:28,447 La-la-la-la! Polly, stop it! 330 00:12:28,514 --> 00:12:30,616 Stop hogging it, you fucking virgin! [ Laughs ] 331 00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:33,285 Oh, I love when Polly's home. 332 00:12:33,352 --> 00:12:36,455 Oh, she's just so exasperating, Archie. 333 00:12:36,522 --> 00:12:37,923 I know how you feel, Betty. 334 00:12:37,990 --> 00:12:40,326 It's probably how I feel talking about your sister 335 00:12:40,392 --> 00:12:42,761 instead of watching this John Wick movie. 336 00:12:42,828 --> 00:12:44,029 Aaah! Jesus fuck! 337 00:12:44,096 --> 00:12:45,731 How many times I got to tell you, Andrews, 338 00:12:45,798 --> 00:12:48,033 keep your ginger freckle gutter DNA 339 00:12:48,100 --> 00:12:49,635 out of our superior gene pool! 340 00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:51,070 Damn it, Polly! 341 00:12:51,137 --> 00:12:52,138 [ Sobs ] Yeah! 342 00:12:52,204 --> 00:12:54,073 Go clean the orange pubes out of your teeth 343 00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:56,208 before mom finds out! 344 00:12:56,275 --> 00:12:57,143 Polly, please be nice to Betty. 345 00:12:57,209 --> 00:12:58,844 She's going through a lot. 346 00:12:58,911 --> 00:13:00,412 Oh, fuck. Menopause? 347 00:13:00,479 --> 00:13:02,047 She drank half a rhubarb spritzer 348 00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:04,383 and sent a nude pic to Reggie. 349 00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:06,519 He and the football team have been slut shaming her. 350 00:13:06,585 --> 00:13:08,120 They been fuckin' what? 351 00:13:09,421 --> 00:13:10,556 [ Grunts ] 352 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:12,858 Polly Cooper?! This is the boys locker room! 353 00:13:12,925 --> 00:13:15,227 Guess she's a whore just like her sister. 354 00:13:15,294 --> 00:13:16,428 [ Grunting ] 355 00:13:16,495 --> 00:13:17,763 My hair! 356 00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:19,131 Shit. 357 00:13:19,198 --> 00:13:21,000 Aaah! 358 00:13:21,066 --> 00:13:22,535 [ Screams ] 359 00:13:22,601 --> 00:13:23,335 [ Toilet flushes ] 360 00:13:23,402 --> 00:13:25,604 Aaah! 361 00:13:25,671 --> 00:13:27,873 Blam! Pow! Bang! Aah! 362 00:13:27,940 --> 00:13:30,476 [ Grunting ] 363 00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:32,912 What is going on?! 364 00:13:32,978 --> 00:13:35,381 [ Panting ] Oh, you want some of this shit? 365 00:13:35,447 --> 00:13:36,782 I didn't see anything, Polly. 366 00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:39,285 We're cool. It's cool. It's all cool. 367 00:13:39,351 --> 00:13:41,153 Oops. I got your throat. 368 00:13:41,220 --> 00:13:43,155 Oh, come on, man. It wasn't personal. 369 00:13:43,222 --> 00:13:44,690 I'm the antagonist, you see? 370 00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:46,759 Without me, nothing would ever happen at this school. 371 00:13:46,825 --> 00:13:47,960 Damn right. 372 00:13:48,027 --> 00:13:49,495 Without you, this wouldn't happen. 373 00:13:49,562 --> 00:13:50,529 [ Screams ] 374 00:13:50,596 --> 00:13:53,098 [ Grunting ] 375 00:13:54,567 --> 00:13:55,834 Polly! 376 00:13:55,901 --> 00:13:57,736 You did this for me? 377 00:13:57,803 --> 00:14:01,240 Hot blonde white girls got zero advantages in life, Betty. 378 00:14:01,307 --> 00:14:03,442 We got to stick together. 379 00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:04,810 Na-la-la-la-la-la! 380 00:14:04,877 --> 00:14:05,844 Get out of there! 381 00:14:05,911 --> 00:14:06,812 [ Cheers and applause ] Bravo! 382 00:14:06,879 --> 00:14:08,013 Encore! 383 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:09,148 Bravo! Guys and ladies. 384 00:14:09,215 --> 00:14:12,651 Best "Robot Chicken" special I've ever seen! 385 00:14:14,119 --> 00:14:17,756 ♪ Betty Cooper was my high school sweetheart ♪ 386 00:14:17,823 --> 00:14:21,660 ♪ She had blue eyes and hair like gold ♪ 387 00:14:21,727 --> 00:14:25,197 ♪ But Veronica Lodge let me have sex with her ♪ 388 00:14:25,264 --> 00:14:28,634 ♪ And my love for Betty, it turned cold ♪ 389 00:14:28,701 --> 00:14:32,104 ♪ Then one day Veronica told me ♪ 390 00:14:32,171 --> 00:14:35,774 ♪ She was pregnant and the babe was mine ♪ 391 00:14:35,841 --> 00:14:40,879 ♪ She said, "Let's run off away together and leave Riverdale" ♪ 392 00:14:40,946 --> 00:14:43,315 ♪ And all our friends behind ♪ 393 00:14:43,382 --> 00:14:47,019 ♪ I was scared, sir, I was just a boy now ♪ 394 00:14:47,086 --> 00:14:50,689 ♪ I had been a junior in high school my whole life ♪ 395 00:14:50,756 --> 00:14:54,093 ♪ I'm not lying or exaggerating when I say ♪ 396 00:14:54,159 --> 00:14:57,963 ♪ I've been in high school for my whole life ♪ 397 00:14:58,030 --> 00:15:01,934 ♪ I told Veronica, "Hey, we ain't got no money" ♪ 398 00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:05,704 ♪ She smiled and said, "That's all right" ♪ 399 00:15:05,771 --> 00:15:08,741 ♪ My daddy's safe is behind a painting ♪ 400 00:15:08,807 --> 00:15:13,078 ♪ We'll take his money and run away tonight ♪ 401 00:15:13,145 --> 00:15:16,548 ♪ Well, Mr. Lodge, he must have heard us ♪ 402 00:15:16,615 --> 00:15:20,486 ♪ He stood in that doorway raising hell ♪ 403 00:15:20,552 --> 00:15:23,789 ♪ I never saw Veronica raise that shotgun ♪ 404 00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:27,793 ♪ But I watched that old man as he fell ♪ 405 00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:31,730 ♪ She was laughing like a demon ♪ 406 00:15:31,797 --> 00:15:34,967 ♪ And a shiver ran up my spine ♪ 407 00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:38,704 ♪ But we made love beside her dead father ♪ 408 00:15:38,771 --> 00:15:42,441 ♪ And together we stepped across that line ♪ 409 00:15:42,508 --> 00:15:46,011 ♪ We went on killing, just killing and killing ♪ 410 00:15:46,078 --> 00:15:50,215 ♪ Making love in the blood that we spilled ♪ 411 00:15:50,282 --> 00:15:53,952 ♪ I shot Jughead, she shot Hot Dog ♪ 412 00:15:54,019 --> 00:15:57,456 ♪ Not even shooting Reggie left us fulfilled ♪ 413 00:15:57,523 --> 00:16:01,160 ♪ We blew Moose's head off, but he was too dumb to notice ♪ 414 00:16:01,226 --> 00:16:04,630 ♪ But I guess he could still feel jealousy ♪ 415 00:16:04,697 --> 00:16:08,100 ♪ So when we set our sights on his girlfriend ♪ 416 00:16:08,167 --> 00:16:12,171 ♪ Moose put an end to our killing spree ♪ 417 00:16:12,237 --> 00:16:15,441 ♪ I don't know what really drove us ♪ 418 00:16:15,507 --> 00:16:19,178 ♪ To take all those lives so carelessly ♪ 419 00:16:19,244 --> 00:16:22,848 ♪ I'd say keeping someone in high school forever and ever ♪ 420 00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:26,785 ♪ Will cause some people to break down mentally ♪ 421 00:16:26,852 --> 00:16:30,723 ♪ Now burning in the fires of hell, Lord ♪ 422 00:16:30,789 --> 00:16:34,293 ♪ And forever will I scream and cry ♪ 423 00:16:34,360 --> 00:16:37,529 ♪ But at least I'm no longer a junior ♪ 424 00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:42,701 ♪ I finally graduated from Riverdale High ♪ 425 00:16:42,768 --> 00:16:43,669 [ Cheers and applause ] 426 00:16:43,736 --> 00:16:46,772 Hello, Venus. Meet my penis. 427 00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:49,208 Let's make our own Milky Way. 428 00:16:49,274 --> 00:16:50,743 What the hell? 429 00:16:50,809 --> 00:16:52,878 Holy extinction event! 430 00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:54,947 Nerd panic grips Riverdale. 431 00:16:55,013 --> 00:16:57,850 Local White Urkel spies death from above. 432 00:16:57,915 --> 00:17:00,319 We join his Instagram Live already in progress. 433 00:17:00,386 --> 00:17:02,454 There's only moments left to live, people! 434 00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:05,156 Jack 'em if you got 'em. This is not a drill! 435 00:17:05,223 --> 00:17:07,492 Back to you in the studio, Jim. 436 00:17:07,559 --> 00:17:09,361 Well, folks, you heard him. 437 00:17:11,630 --> 00:17:13,999 [ Screaming ] 438 00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:17,301 Archie! 439 00:17:17,368 --> 00:17:18,771 Betty! 440 00:17:18,837 --> 00:17:20,372 Oh, Archie-kins! 441 00:17:20,439 --> 00:17:22,674 Archie, the world is literally ending. 442 00:17:22,741 --> 00:17:25,144 You need to decide. Me or Veronica. 443 00:17:25,210 --> 00:17:27,279 Once and for all, pick one of us. 444 00:17:27,346 --> 00:17:28,547 There's no -- Veronica. 445 00:17:28,614 --> 00:17:29,481 [ Gasps ] What? What? 446 00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:30,983 Veronica. I choose Veronica. 447 00:17:31,049 --> 00:17:34,586 Rich, mean, sexy, full bush. Yeah, final answer. 448 00:17:34,653 --> 00:17:35,387 Veronica. 449 00:17:35,454 --> 00:17:36,321 What?! Yes! 450 00:17:36,388 --> 00:17:38,056 Whoa! Oh! 451 00:17:38,123 --> 00:17:40,626 Aaah! Do over. Sorry, do over. 452 00:17:40,692 --> 00:17:42,461 I choose Betty. Wait. Do over. 453 00:17:42,528 --> 00:17:43,262 Cheryl. 454 00:17:43,328 --> 00:17:45,030 [ Screams ] 455 00:17:45,998 --> 00:17:48,567 Okay, final answer is Betty. Definitely Betty. 456 00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:51,637 Is your sister home? No. Betty. Betty. 457 00:17:51,703 --> 00:17:53,605 I hate you so much. 458 00:17:53,672 --> 00:17:55,541 [ Gun cocks ] I am not letting this country 459 00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:57,409 down twice. 460 00:17:57,476 --> 00:17:59,812 Never forget! 461 00:17:59,878 --> 00:18:01,814 Oh, shit! 462 00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:05,250 [ Screaming ] 463 00:18:05,317 --> 00:18:06,919 Oh, shit, fam. 464 00:18:06,985 --> 00:18:09,621 This is your boy Reg dog vlogging an alien invasion. 465 00:18:09,688 --> 00:18:10,889 [ Horns honking ] 466 00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:12,591 Watch me get an interview with that flappy bitch. 467 00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:13,792 For science. 468 00:18:13,859 --> 00:18:15,260 Reggie, no! 469 00:18:15,327 --> 00:18:16,495 They're dangerous! 470 00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:18,297 Dangerous is my maiden name. 471 00:18:18,363 --> 00:18:20,899 [ Grunting ] 472 00:18:24,470 --> 00:18:25,437 -Oh! -[ Gasps ] 473 00:18:25,504 --> 00:18:27,606 The aliens are allergic to Reggie. 474 00:18:27,673 --> 00:18:29,174 Also R.I.P. Reggie. 475 00:18:29,241 --> 00:18:31,510 The secret you defeating them must have something 476 00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:32,978 to do with Reggie. 477 00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:35,214 We're going to need more brain power to figure this out. 478 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:36,482 -Dilton! -Dilton, let us in! 479 00:18:36,548 --> 00:18:38,283 Uh, what? 480 00:18:39,117 --> 00:18:40,419 Aaah! 481 00:18:40,486 --> 00:18:41,854 There's coconut smoothie everywhere. 482 00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,489 This kid can party. 483 00:18:43,555 --> 00:18:45,824 Grab his microscope, Betty. He's coming with us. 484 00:18:45,891 --> 00:18:48,060 [ Mumbling indistinctly ] 485 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:51,029 Get off my car, you little freaks! 486 00:18:51,096 --> 00:18:53,632 It has 50 more payments on it. 487 00:18:53,699 --> 00:18:55,067 My car! 488 00:18:59,037 --> 00:19:00,606 [ Grunts ] 489 00:19:00,672 --> 00:19:02,274 Josie McCoy?! 490 00:19:02,341 --> 00:19:04,943 Here on Pluto-chella weekend? 491 00:19:05,010 --> 00:19:07,145 The Pussycats split up over creative differences, 492 00:19:07,212 --> 00:19:08,480 uh, and they're dead. 493 00:19:08,547 --> 00:19:09,581 No! 494 00:19:09,648 --> 00:19:11,149 Need a bass player? 495 00:19:11,216 --> 00:19:13,085 [ Bass plays ] 496 00:19:13,719 --> 00:19:15,320 Damn, Miss Grundy! 497 00:19:15,387 --> 00:19:17,890 Now stand back and watch this drive. 498 00:19:17,956 --> 00:19:21,460 Hm, Reggie definitely had a virus of some kind. 499 00:19:21,527 --> 00:19:23,562 Herpes. He was so proud of it. 500 00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:26,999 Maybe the herpes virus is deadly to the Bleeps. 501 00:19:27,065 --> 00:19:29,334 Ah! If we only knew more about herpes. 502 00:19:29,401 --> 00:19:32,271 What?! I taught you all about it in sex ed! 503 00:19:33,438 --> 00:19:36,742 Oh, for -- children, gather round. 504 00:19:36,808 --> 00:19:39,144 Who here had sex with Reggie? 505 00:19:39,211 --> 00:19:41,914 And who here had sex with Betty? 506 00:19:41,980 --> 00:19:45,183 And who here had sex with Archie? 507 00:19:45,250 --> 00:19:47,319 Oh, you filthy little Petri dishes. 508 00:19:47,386 --> 00:19:49,588 Miss Grundy, I had sex with you, too, remember? 509 00:19:49,655 --> 00:19:51,423 [ All gasping ] 510 00:19:51,490 --> 00:19:54,660 Never mind that. Let's kill those Bleeps! 511 00:19:54,726 --> 00:19:56,128 [ Cheering ] 512 00:19:56,194 --> 00:19:57,663 Oof, dodged that bullet. 513 00:19:57,729 --> 00:20:01,533 Ch-ch-ch-charge, motherfuckers! 514 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:02,968 [ Screaming ] 515 00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:06,505 Mwah, mwah. 516 00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:11,643 [ Gasps ] 517 00:20:12,411 --> 00:20:14,012 [ Grunting ] 518 00:20:16,014 --> 00:20:18,684 Hot Dog, what are you doing? Herpes is a people disease! 519 00:20:21,019 --> 00:20:22,187 [ Screams ] 520 00:20:23,255 --> 00:20:24,523 [ Screams ] 521 00:20:24,590 --> 00:20:27,092 Why didn't I just fuck Archie when I had the chance? 522 00:20:27,159 --> 00:20:29,761 [ Guitar plays ] 523 00:20:29,828 --> 00:20:31,063 That's right. 524 00:20:31,129 --> 00:20:32,397 Nothing leads you into a life of herpes 525 00:20:32,464 --> 00:20:35,000 like rock and roll. 526 00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:38,637 Welcome to the Herpes party! Open wide! 527 00:20:45,611 --> 00:20:47,412 Looks like we got 'em all. 528 00:20:47,479 --> 00:20:50,382 We won! We won! [ Laughs ] Yeah! 529 00:20:50,449 --> 00:20:51,583 Huh? 530 00:20:51,650 --> 00:20:55,887 Uh, blonde, full bush. Uh, blonde, I don't know. 531 00:20:55,954 --> 00:20:57,623 Archie, those are the last two. 532 00:20:57,689 --> 00:20:58,790 Finish this! 533 00:20:58,857 --> 00:21:00,092 I can't decide. 534 00:21:00,158 --> 00:21:02,761 You're a real piece of shit, you know that? 535 00:21:03,528 --> 00:21:04,796 [ Screams ] 536 00:21:06,531 --> 00:21:07,733 [ Belches ] 537 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:10,435 [ Rumbling ] 538 00:21:13,472 --> 00:21:17,809 Oh, my lifelong nightmare is finally over! 539 00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:20,178 Also rest in peace, Archie, of course. 540 00:21:20,245 --> 00:21:22,581 Hey, how's your ass look in a cat suit? 541 00:21:22,648 --> 00:21:25,117 No better than this ass. 542 00:21:25,183 --> 00:21:27,119 Whoo-hoo! 543 00:21:27,185 --> 00:21:28,286 ♪ Archie's dead ♪ 544 00:21:28,353 --> 00:21:29,655 ♪ Bok-bok-bok-bok ♪ 545 00:21:29,721 --> 00:21:30,989 ♪ Reggie's dead ♪ 546 00:21:31,056 --> 00:21:32,424 ♪ Veronica, too ♪ 547 00:21:32,491 --> 00:21:33,759 ♪ Cheryl's dead ♪ 548 00:21:33,825 --> 00:21:35,227 ♪ Bok-bok-bok-bok ♪ 549 00:21:35,293 --> 00:21:36,662 ♪ What about Jughead? ♪ 550 00:21:36,728 --> 00:21:38,730 ♪ He's just goo ♪ 551 00:21:38,797 --> 00:21:39,931 ♪ Grundy lived ♪ 552 00:21:39,998 --> 00:21:41,333 ♪ Bok-bok-bok-bok ♪ 553 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:42,934 ♪ Betty lived ♪ 554 00:21:43,001 --> 00:21:44,236 ♪ Josie, too ♪ 555 00:21:44,302 --> 00:21:47,272 ♪ Look for their mixed tape, dropping soon ♪ 556 00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:49,474 ♪ That's the end of the Bleepin' Robot Chicken ♪ 557 00:21:49,541 --> 00:21:51,309 ♪ Archie Comic Special ♪ 558 00:21:51,376 --> 00:21:52,978 ♪ Whoo ♪ 559 00:21:56,648 --> 00:21:59,785 Apocalypse averted. Thank you, herpes. 560 00:21:59,851 --> 00:22:01,186 I've only been in here a day. 561 00:22:01,253 --> 00:22:03,155 What the hell is going on out there? 562 00:22:03,221 --> 00:22:04,322 This just in. 563 00:22:04,389 --> 00:22:06,491 In an historic moment, Archie has chosen... 564 00:22:06,558 --> 00:22:07,626 Veronica. 565 00:22:07,693 --> 00:22:10,028 No way. Betty's got that ponytail. 566 00:22:10,095 --> 00:22:11,063 [ Sighs ] 567 00:22:11,129 --> 00:22:13,532 I too have made a decision. 568 00:22:16,334 --> 00:22:19,805 [ Gags, chokes ] 569 00:22:19,871 --> 00:22:22,908 [ Chuckles ] Veronica, man. No way. 570 00:22:24,776 --> 00:22:25,544 [ Monkey chittering ] 571 00:22:25,610 --> 00:22:26,845 Stupid monkey.