1
00:00:03,269 --> 00:00:05,305
♪♪

2
00:00:05,372 --> 00:00:06,606
[ Thunder crashes ]

3
00:00:06,673 --> 00:00:08,641
[ Theme music plays ]

4
00:00:08,708 --> 00:00:12,312
♪♪

5
00:00:12,379 --> 00:00:14,948
[ Whirring ]

6
00:00:16,416 --> 00:00:17,984
[ Whirring ]

7
00:00:18,051 --> 00:00:19,085
Man: It's alive!

8
00:00:19,152 --> 00:00:20,420
[ Thunder rumbles ]

9
00:00:20,487 --> 00:00:27,560
♪♪

10
00:00:27,627 --> 00:00:29,829
[ Thunder crashes ]

11
00:00:29,896 --> 00:00:38,004
♪♪

12
00:00:38,071 --> 00:00:40,473
Announcer:
Have you been injured while
touring a chocolate factory?

13
00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:43,643
I'll get you the snozberries
you deserve.

14
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:46,045
♪ Larry Loompa --
He'll fight for you ♪

15
00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:48,481
I was turned into
a fucking giant blueberry,

16
00:00:48,548 --> 00:00:51,084
and now I need to be juiced
twice a day, or I'll explode.

17
00:00:51,151 --> 00:00:54,320
Larry Loompa got me $3 million.

18
00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:56,356
Don't get dopity screwed.

19
00:00:56,423 --> 00:00:57,957
[ With lisp ] I was pulled
through a taffy stretcher,

20
00:00:58,024 --> 00:01:00,059
but thanks to Larry,
I'm rich as shit.

21
00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:02,862
Also, my penis
is 37 inches long.

22
00:01:02,929 --> 00:01:04,263
Can someone turn that fan off?

23
00:01:04,330 --> 00:01:07,066
I was shot through
a pneumatic chocolate tube.

24
00:01:07,133 --> 00:01:09,235
The pressure blew out mine anus,

25
00:01:09,301 --> 00:01:13,807
and I had to have a second anus
constructed from a goat's anus,

26
00:01:13,873 --> 00:01:17,176
but Mr. Loompa
got me $17 million

27
00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:19,779
for mine anus surgery.
Anus.

28
00:01:19,846 --> 00:01:22,582
[ Bleating ]

29
00:01:24,551 --> 00:01:25,752
Announcer:
Have you been turned into fruit,
stretched like taffy,

30
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:27,253
nearly drowned
in a chocolate river,

31
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:28,388
terrorized by fake Slugworth,
dropped into a bad egg furnace,

32
00:01:28,455 --> 00:01:29,689
got hepatitis
from lickable wallpaper,

33
00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,357
or are a goat who had
your anus forcibly removed,

34
00:01:31,424 --> 00:01:33,860
then call the offices
of Larry H. Loompa today.

35
00:01:33,926 --> 00:01:36,496
♪ Larry Loompa --
He'll fight for you ♪

36
00:01:36,563 --> 00:01:38,698
[ Bleats ]

37
00:01:38,765 --> 00:01:40,300
Anus.

38
00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:43,603
Harold couldn't sleep,
so he took his purple crayon

39
00:01:43,670 --> 00:01:47,173
and drew a world
of his own imagination.

40
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:48,808
Harold, what did I tell you
about drawing

41
00:01:48,875 --> 00:01:49,908
on the Goddamn walls?

42
00:01:49,976 --> 00:01:51,544
You know what else
is purple?

43
00:01:51,610 --> 00:01:53,713
Bruises!
Draw me some whiskey.

44
00:01:55,247 --> 00:01:57,584
[ Glugs ] Aw, God, that is
just what I needed.

45
00:01:57,650 --> 00:02:00,186
[ Gagging ]
[ Glass shatters ]

46
00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:03,823
Harold had dreamed
of this moment a thousand times.

47
00:02:03,890 --> 00:02:06,493
Harold then drew himself
a new father.

48
00:02:06,559 --> 00:02:08,461
This dad never yelled

49
00:02:08,527 --> 00:02:11,564
and had a three-year chip
from AA.

50
00:02:11,631 --> 00:02:15,301
He was also good
at lifting things.

51
00:02:15,368 --> 00:02:17,837
Harold and his new father
sailed away

52
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:19,806
to a bright new tomorrow.

53
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:22,442
Harold's mother filed
a missing-person report,

54
00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:24,978
but she never saw
her son again.

55
00:02:25,044 --> 00:02:27,814
She hanged herself a year later.

56
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:30,283
The rope was purple.

57
00:02:30,350 --> 00:02:32,585
Tricia? All right!
From Bumble?

58
00:02:32,652 --> 00:02:35,622
That's me. I've never dated
a Treasure Troll before.

59
00:02:35,688 --> 00:02:38,758
Well, strap in, baby, 'cause we
are first class all the way.

60
00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:40,660
All right!
To first dates.

61
00:02:40,727 --> 00:02:42,996
[ Slurps ]
Delicious.

62
00:02:43,062 --> 00:02:45,565
So, you're from
Copenhagen?

63
00:02:45,632 --> 00:02:49,302
♪♪

64
00:02:49,369 --> 00:02:50,303
What is it?

65
00:02:50,370 --> 00:02:51,938
Huh? Aah!

66
00:02:53,039 --> 00:02:54,474
Huh?

67
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:57,644
No! Not all right!

68
00:02:57,710 --> 00:02:59,546
No!

69
00:02:59,612 --> 00:03:01,814
[ Sobbing ] No!

70
00:03:01,881 --> 00:03:05,418
♪ And I love you, cha cha cha

71
00:03:05,485 --> 00:03:06,886
[ Light switch clicks,
door closes ]

72
00:03:06,953 --> 00:03:10,456
Ahh, another successful day
at Chuck E. Cheese, huh?

73
00:03:10,523 --> 00:03:12,926
Ugh, we get it!
You own the place.

74
00:03:12,992 --> 00:03:16,496
Hey, Pasquale, did you see
that kid puke up his pepperoni?

75
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:21,334
Pasquale?

76
00:03:21,401 --> 00:03:22,835
Pasquale!

77
00:03:22,902 --> 00:03:25,805
I noticed him glitching, but
I thought he was pranking us.

78
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:27,073
He is the funny one.

79
00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:28,474
We gotta help him!

80
00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:30,610
Pasquale!
[ All grunting ]

81
00:03:30,677 --> 00:03:32,745
Pasquale!

82
00:03:32,812 --> 00:03:35,748
Well, we've done
everything we can.

83
00:03:37,517 --> 00:03:39,586
Everybody, run!

84
00:03:39,652 --> 00:03:41,654
[ All grunting ]

85
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:43,990
Aah!
Aah!

86
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:46,492
[ Elevator music plays ]

87
00:03:46,559 --> 00:03:49,796
And one, two, three!

88
00:03:49,862 --> 00:03:52,131
Ladies and gentlemen,
the magic bullet!

89
00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:53,800
[ Cheers and applause ]

90
00:03:53,866 --> 00:03:56,035
Oh, my God,
JFK's been shot!

91
00:03:56,102 --> 00:03:57,737
[ Audience screams ]

92
00:03:57,804 --> 00:03:59,539
[ Groans ]

93
00:03:59,606 --> 00:04:01,140
[ Slurping ]

94
00:04:01,207 --> 00:04:03,242
Oh, bother.
All out of honey.

95
00:04:03,309 --> 00:04:05,678
Well, plenty more
where that came from.

96
00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,413
What luck!

97
00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:12,285
Why, there's nothing
but dead bees in here.

98
00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:15,154
Bees are dying everywhere,
Pooh.

99
00:04:15,221 --> 00:04:19,759
It's an epidemic, most likely
caused by pesticides.

100
00:04:19,826 --> 00:04:21,995
Without honey,
whatever shall I do?

101
00:04:22,060 --> 00:04:23,896
Pooh, you're a bear.

102
00:04:23,963 --> 00:04:26,032
You can eat anything.

103
00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,034
Pooh, hello!
What shall we play to--

104
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,435
Aah!

105
00:04:29,502 --> 00:04:32,071
Ohh, this tastes
surprisingly delicious.

106
00:04:32,138 --> 00:04:35,575
Jesus!
I meant pine cones, Pooh.

107
00:04:36,743 --> 00:04:38,711
[ Both laugh ]

108
00:04:39,912 --> 00:04:41,848
Announcer:
And now back to "Queer Eye."

109
00:04:43,149 --> 00:04:45,418
I mean,
I have no notes.

110
00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:47,487
[ Laughter ]

111
00:04:47,553 --> 00:04:49,856
[ Dance music plays ]

112
00:04:49,922 --> 00:04:51,691
I'm Jerry Seinfeld.

113
00:04:51,758 --> 00:04:53,826
I love cars, coffee, and comedy,

114
00:04:53,893 --> 00:04:56,596
and this is "Comedians
in Cars Getting Coffee."

115
00:04:56,663 --> 00:04:59,565
The 1973 Dodge Challenger
in Plum Crazy Purple

116
00:04:59,632 --> 00:05:01,334
is perfect
for today's guest,

117
00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:03,970
Gotham's favorite funnyman,
the Joker!

118
00:05:04,037 --> 00:05:06,906
I just want to thank you
for not picking me up

119
00:05:06,973 --> 00:05:08,941
in a clown car, Jerry.

120
00:05:09,008 --> 00:05:11,144
Who do you take me for,
Carrot Top?

121
00:05:11,210 --> 00:05:15,148
[ Laughs ] Scotty would
definitely pull that shit.

122
00:05:15,214 --> 00:05:17,550
He still slaying in Vegas?
Sure.

123
00:05:17,617 --> 00:05:19,285
You ever bomb in Vegas?

124
00:05:19,352 --> 00:05:22,555
The last time I bombed in Vegas,
there was a body count.

125
00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:25,158
That's why they don't let me
into the Luxor anymore,

126
00:05:25,224 --> 00:05:28,061
because there's no Luxor
anymore

127
00:05:28,127 --> 00:05:29,962
[chuckles]
because I bombed it.

128
00:05:31,431 --> 00:05:33,533
I lost a friend
in that explosion.

129
00:05:33,599 --> 00:05:35,134
Was it Newman?

130
00:05:35,201 --> 00:05:36,869
No.

131
00:05:36,936 --> 00:05:39,072
I guess
I'm bombing again.

132
00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:41,074
A prop?
Now who's Carrot Top?

133
00:05:41,140 --> 00:05:42,742
No, it's a real bomb.

134
00:05:42,808 --> 00:05:44,644
[ Laughing ]

135
00:05:44,711 --> 00:05:46,846
[ Explosion ]

136
00:05:46,913 --> 00:05:49,515
♪ The lips are connected
to the asshole ♪

137
00:05:49,582 --> 00:05:51,918
♪ The lips are connected
to the asshole ♪

138
00:05:51,984 --> 00:05:54,220
♪ The lips are connected
to the asshole ♪

139
00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:56,155
♪ And that's how you make
a human centipede ♪

140
00:05:56,222 --> 00:05:57,390
Everybody!

141
00:05:57,457 --> 00:05:59,592
[ Muffled singing ]

142
00:06:02,161 --> 00:06:04,564
♪ My mouth's not connected
to an asshole ♪

143
00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:07,333
♪ So Merry Christmas
to me ♪

144
00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:10,103
Announcer:
Space -- the final frontier.

145
00:06:10,169 --> 00:06:13,272
These are the voyages of the
Pin Mate Starship Enterprise.

146
00:06:13,339 --> 00:06:14,941
Sir, we're caught

147
00:06:15,007 --> 00:06:16,943
in the Pin Mate's Klingon
Cruiser's tractor beam.

148
00:06:17,009 --> 00:06:19,312
Reverse starboard thrusters,
Pin Mates Mr. Sulu.

149
00:06:19,378 --> 00:06:21,414
Aye-aye,
Pin Mates Captain Kirk.

150
00:06:21,481 --> 00:06:24,550
All: Aah!

151
00:06:24,617 --> 00:06:26,686
Pin Mates Captain, that is
an illogical choice.

152
00:06:26,753 --> 00:06:28,588
Your Pin Mates Vulcan logic
won't save us,

153
00:06:28,654 --> 00:06:29,789
Pin Mates Mr. Spock.

154
00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:32,291
The Pin Mates Klingon cannons
are powering up, sir.

155
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:34,594
Aah!

156
00:06:34,659 --> 00:06:36,429
Whoa!
Ooh!

157
00:06:36,496 --> 00:06:39,265
Whoa!

158
00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:41,100
Ohh!
Aah!

159
00:06:41,167 --> 00:06:43,269
Ooh!
Oh! Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh!

160
00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:45,505
Whoa!

161
00:06:45,571 --> 00:06:46,906
Oh!

162
00:06:46,973 --> 00:06:48,341
Whoa!

163
00:06:48,407 --> 00:06:50,143
Ooh-hoo!

164
00:06:50,209 --> 00:06:51,978
Oh!

165
00:06:52,044 --> 00:06:53,479
[ All screaming ]

166
00:06:53,546 --> 00:06:56,282
Don't worry, ugly duckling.
One day, you'll be --

167
00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:58,584
Actually, I find
the whole "ugly" narrative

168
00:06:58,651 --> 00:07:00,853
to be hetero-normative
and damaging,

169
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,956
and there are a number of niche
Internet sex communities

170
00:07:04,023 --> 00:07:07,460
that would love
to have all...of...this.

171
00:07:07,527 --> 00:07:10,429
I was gonna say, one day,
you'll be a beautiful swan.

172
00:07:10,496 --> 00:07:12,932
Oh, thank God! I thought
I'd have to learn a skill.

173
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:15,568
I don't know what your problem
is, Of-Ken.

174
00:07:15,635 --> 00:07:17,737
You should have gotten pregnant
by now.

175
00:07:17,804 --> 00:07:19,138
Um, Commander Ken...

176
00:07:19,205 --> 00:07:20,973
Don't say a word.

177
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:24,210
Hey, Rocky.
I've got a friend request.

178
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:27,547
Hello, Moose. It is us,
old American friends

179
00:07:27,613 --> 00:07:29,982
from your youth,
Bingo and Muffy.

180
00:07:30,049 --> 00:07:31,050
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

181
00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:32,652
Oh, boy.
Old friends.

182
00:07:32,718 --> 00:07:35,855
There's something suspicious
about that account, Bullwinkle.

183
00:07:35,922 --> 00:07:38,925
Speaking of
old American things,

184
00:07:38,991 --> 00:07:41,661
don't you miss good old days
when flying squirrels

185
00:07:41,727 --> 00:07:44,530
weren't taking
hardworking moose jobs?

186
00:07:44,597 --> 00:07:48,401
Hmm, I do generally remember
things being better in the past.

187
00:07:48,467 --> 00:07:50,503
Don't you want to make --
ooh --

188
00:07:50,570 --> 00:07:53,406
I mean,
America great again?

189
00:07:53,472 --> 00:07:55,074
Those new Facebook friends
are spreading

190
00:07:55,141 --> 00:07:57,777
pretty incendiary comments,
Bullwinkle.

191
00:07:57,844 --> 00:07:59,846
Shut your cockhole,
snowflake!

192
00:07:59,912 --> 00:08:01,414
[ Gasps ]

193
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:04,050
Hello, Broseph.

194
00:08:04,116 --> 00:08:07,420
Squirrel Lives Matter
march against ignorant mooses

195
00:08:07,486 --> 00:08:08,888
set for tomorrow.

196
00:08:08,955 --> 00:08:11,023
Come join! Oh, boy.

197
00:08:11,090 --> 00:08:12,258
Oh, boy, I will!

198
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:13,392
Hey, Rocky!

199
00:08:13,459 --> 00:08:16,495
Watch me pull a squirrel
out of his own ass.

200
00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:18,664
I'll fucking kill you!
Bullwinkle!

201
00:08:18,731 --> 00:08:21,400
[ Both laughing evilly ]

202
00:08:21,467 --> 00:08:23,936
Ariana, some say
that the ponytail

203
00:08:24,003 --> 00:08:25,771
has started
to influence your life.

204
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:28,074
That's just
a silly rumor.

205
00:08:28,140 --> 00:08:31,410
Are you blinking an SOS
in Morse code right now?

206
00:08:31,477 --> 00:08:32,945
And are you now blinking,

207
00:08:33,011 --> 00:08:36,282
"Stop talking about Morse code,
or the ponytail will kill me"?

208
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:38,084
Aah!

209
00:08:42,288 --> 00:08:45,358
And that's the word
on Ariana's new album.

210
00:08:45,424 --> 00:08:47,360
Come on, kids!

211
00:08:47,426 --> 00:08:50,162
That rave's
not gonna rave itself.

212
00:08:50,229 --> 00:08:53,132
You're not our regular
party bus driver/drug dealer.

213
00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:56,836
Nope, he took some bad molly
and chewed off his hand.

214
00:08:56,903 --> 00:08:59,005
[ Laughs ]
I'm Miss Frizzle.

215
00:08:59,071 --> 00:09:01,307
I'm a substitute driver
these days.

216
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:04,076
I used to be a teacher.
What happened?

217
00:09:04,143 --> 00:09:07,013
Let's just say, if you shrink
down a bunch of 9-year-olds

218
00:09:07,079 --> 00:09:08,915
and lose them
in a cow's second stomach,

219
00:09:08,981 --> 00:09:12,184
they will absolutely
get turned into manure.

220
00:09:12,251 --> 00:09:13,986
Ohh.
Oh.

221
00:09:14,053 --> 00:09:19,759
But I still know how to drive
a flying bus, so here we go!

222
00:09:19,825 --> 00:09:20,826
[ Tires squeal ]

223
00:09:20,893 --> 00:09:22,762
[ All screaming ]

224
00:09:22,828 --> 00:09:25,865
Hot air balloon --
We must be in wine country.

225
00:09:25,932 --> 00:09:28,401
Let's go grab a frosé.

226
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:30,202
No, thank you!

227
00:09:30,269 --> 00:09:31,337
[ All scream ]

228
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,606
The bus
is out of control!

229
00:09:33,673 --> 00:09:35,040
Ah-ha!

230
00:09:35,107 --> 00:09:36,943
What are we supposed to
do with these?

231
00:09:37,009 --> 00:09:38,811
Take chances.
Make mistakes.

232
00:09:38,878 --> 00:09:41,113
What's that island?

233
00:09:41,180 --> 00:09:42,782
Jump!
Aah!

234
00:09:42,848 --> 00:09:44,583
Whoa!
Aah!

235
00:09:44,650 --> 00:09:47,053
Quick, children,
look for supplies.

236
00:09:47,119 --> 00:09:48,287
Why should we trust you?

237
00:09:48,354 --> 00:09:50,656
Listen here,
you little sardine.

238
00:09:50,723 --> 00:09:53,125
Before I was a school
bus driver --

239
00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:55,928
Yeah, you turned a bunch of kids
into cow turds. We know.

240
00:09:55,995 --> 00:10:00,266
And I drove a tour bus
for Aerosmith in 1976.

241
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:02,768
That was some heavy shit,
man.

242
00:10:02,835 --> 00:10:04,437
You wanna talk
about herpes...

243
00:10:04,503 --> 00:10:06,172
No, thanks!
...I'll shrink you down

244
00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:08,074
and show you herpes
like you've never --

245
00:10:08,140 --> 00:10:09,175
Aah!

246
00:10:09,241 --> 00:10:10,810
Thank you!

247
00:10:10,876 --> 00:10:12,778
Take my job, will ya?

248
00:10:12,845 --> 00:10:15,081
It's our old bus driver,
two-handed Harry.

249
00:10:15,147 --> 00:10:16,282
Not anymore.

250
00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:18,551
Let's celebrate!

251
00:10:18,617 --> 00:10:23,389
♪♪

252
00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:25,091
[ Gunshot ]

253
00:10:26,425 --> 00:10:28,260
[ Gunshot ]

254
00:10:29,895 --> 00:10:31,497
[ Gunshot ]

255
00:10:33,065 --> 00:10:34,100
[ Gunshot ]

256
00:10:35,701 --> 00:10:38,337
[ Gunshots ]