- [MANIACAL LAUGHING]
- [DRILL HUMMING]
- IT'S ALIVE!
- [GOBBLING]
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP
- HA HA! AW!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BILLY.
- [SHOUTS]
- MY BAD.
- EMILIO. FAGABEEFIE.
- WE NOW RETURN TO THE "HOLLYWOOD SPOTLIGHT"
OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK.
WE'VE FOLLOWED THE LIFE OF THE HULK
AS HE'S GROWN UP WITH HIS ABUSIVE FATHER,
HIS EARLY CAREER,
AN AWKWARD EMERGENCE INTO PUBERTY.
IT WAS DURING HIS TEENAGE YEARS AS A STUNT DOUBLE
ON THE ILL-FATED PRIME-TIME PILOT "GUMBO"
THAT HE MET THE MAN WHO CHANGED HIS LIFE,
BILL BIXBY.
THE TWO WERE SURPRISED TO FIND THAT THEY LOOKED EXACTLY ALIKE.
THEY DECIDED TO MAKE A SHOW TOGETHER,
AND CBS AGREED.
- LOOK AT HIM WALK! GENIUS!
THE HULK WASN'T TOO BAD EITHER.
WE HAD HIM SHOW UP TWICE EACH EPISODE
TO BEAT UP THE BAD GUYS. A PUNCH HERE, A GROWL THERE.
HE WAS A MILLIONAIRE.
THE GUY'S AGENT WAS AMAZING.
- TIMES WERE FINALLY GOOD FOR THE HULK.
FLUSH WITH GREEN,
HE FED A SUDDEN APPETITE FOR BOOZE, BABES, AND BLOW.
BUT THESE HIGH TIMES WOULDN'T LAST FOR LONG.
AUDIENCES STOPPED LIKING HULK EVEN WHEN HE WAS ANGRY.
WITH THE SHOW CANCELED,
THE HULK DID WHAT EVERY OTHER FAILED CELEBRITY DID
IN THE MID-1980's.
HE WHORED HIMSELF.
- THINGS FOUND IN A CAR. PLACES TO EAT!
THINGS IN A HAT! KINDS OF SKIS!
FAMOUS ACTORS! KINDS OF ROCKS!
WAYS TO COOK AN EGG! NAMES FROM THE BIBLE!
- TAKING ANY BIT PART HE COULD,
HULK'S ACTING CAREER PLUMMETED,
AND EVENTUALLY HE SOLD HIS NAME TO HULK HOGAN.
REAL NAME: CHESTERFIELD EVENPURPLE.
- SAD NEWS FROM THE ENTERTAINMENT WORLD TODAY.
THE FATHER OF THE INCREDIBLE HULK
LOST HIS LONG BATTLE WITH GAMMA RADIATION POISONING
AT THE AGE OF 74.
- THE ONE-TIME SUCCESSFUL TV STAR HAS GONE INTO SECLUSION
TO MOURN HIS LOSS IN PRIVATE.
- THE HULK'S CAREER APPEARED TO BE OVER.
YEARS LATER, HOPE WOULD COME FROM CHINA.
ANG LEE, A RELATIVELY UNKNOWN CHINAMAN FILMMAKER,
WOULD SURPRISE THE WORLD WITH HIS OPUS,
"CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON."
THE HULK WAS LIVING OFF HIS MEAGER RESIDUALS
WHEN LEE SOUGHT HIM OUT,
AND HE RECOGNIZED THE DIRECTOR WAS A NATURAL CHOICE
TO TELL HIS COMPLEX TALE OF ANGER AND DESTRUCTION.
- HULK MOVIE VERY CLEAR TO ME.
COMIC BOOK MEET SLOW, BEAUTIFUL HAIKU.
PRETTY BIRD. OH, PRETTY BIRD.
HOW HULK SING SO HIGH.
- SOUNDS FASCINATING.
IT SURELY WILL NOT BE HUGE FLOP THAT RUIN MY CAREER.
SURELY.
- FOR ONE LAST TIME, THE HULK WAS BACK IN THE SPOTLIGHT,
ADORED AND ADMIRED.
HOLLYWOOD WAS GREEN WITH ENVY FOR THE SUCCESS COMING HIS WAY.
BUT HOLLYWOOD LOVES YOU FOR ONLY SO LONG.
- IT STINKS.
AUDIENCES AGREE THAT ANG LEE'S MOTION PICTURE
IS ONE GAMMA-STRENGTH BOMB.
IS THIS THE END OF THE HULK'S CAREER?
THIS ENTERTAINMENT REPORTER SAYS YES.
- HOLLYWOOD MAKE HULK SAD.
HULK SPENT TIME IN ASIA TO FIND SELF,
MET SUK LEE,
AND NOW FINALLY TRYING TO BE HAPPY.
- SOON AFTER RETURNING TO AMERICA,
HULK ACCEPTED JESUS CHRIST
AND NOW COUNSELS INNER-CITY CHILDREN
WITH ANGER-MANAGEMENT TROUBLES.
- HULK LIVE DAY BY DAY. NOT ANGRY ANYMORE.
IS HULK HAPPY? HA HA!
HULK THINK SO.
WHO'S NUTS NOW? HA HA HA!
- [WOMAN SCREAMING]
- OH, GOSH! BOBBY SEAVER SMILED AT ME DURING HOMEROOM.
DO YOU THINK HE'LL ASK ME TO THE DANCE?
- SURE, IF HE'S INTO GIRLS WITH FAT THIGHS.
- I ALWAYS PAY MY TAXES.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE GEPPETTO IS BURIED.
- BILL? BILL, I'M HOME.
BILL, ARE YOU HERE?
CHELSEA?
HONEY?
THERE YOU ARE.
- WELCOME HOME THERE, SNUGGLEBUNNY.
I WAS JUST READING THE PAPER.
- YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THE DAY I HAD TODAY.
IS THAT RIGHT? [LAUGHS]
- I WAS IN MEETINGS ALL DAY.
BILL!
- UH-OH!
[LAUGHING]
I'M TOO FAST FOR YOU BECAUSE I WAS A RUNNING BACK...
WOO-HOO! WOO!
- UH-OH.
- LEON!
- SABRINA, MY FOOD IS ON THE TOP SHELF,
AND I CAN'T REACH IT, AND I'M REALLY HUNGRY.
WILL YOU GIVE ME SOME FOOD?
- UH, NO.
- OH, BABY, OH, COME ON, I WAS JUST--
NO, NO! MY GOLF CLUBS! OH, COME ON!
OH, THAT'S MY SUIT! HEY, THAT TV'S MINE!
OH, BABY!
I WAS JUST SITTING ON HER EGG BECAUSE--
DON'T THROW THAT! OH, COME ON, HONEY!
- GOOD EVENING.
ETERNIA'S FIRST SAME-SEX MARRIAGE
TOOK PLACE EARLIER TODAY IN CLEAR DEFIANCE OF FEDERAL LAW.
ONE-TIME OUTLAW "TOO BAD" HAS ENTERED INTO HOLY MATRIMONY
WITH HIMSELF.
- BUT FIRST OUR TOP STORY.
THE SCANDAL INVOLVING CAPTAIN OF THE ROYAL GUARD TEELA
AND LOCAL NIGHTCLUB OWNER BEAST MAN CONTINUES TO UNFOLD.
A RAUNCHY SEX ROMP BETWEEN THE PAIR WAS CAPTURED ON VIDEO
AND MADE PUBLIC EARLIER THIS WEEK.
- [GROWLING] - UH! YEAH! YEAH!
GREAT! AWESOME! YOU'RE GREAT!
WOO! YOU'RE THE BEST! AWESOME!
TOTALLY INTO IT! UH! UH! UH!
HELLO?
YEAH, I'M TOTALLY INTERESTED
IN CHANGING MY LONG-DISTANCE SERVICE PROVIDER.
- TEELA'S FATHER, MAN-AT-ARMS,
MADE HIS FIRST OFFICIAL STATEMENT EARLIER TODAY.
- OUR FAMILY HAS BEEN DEVASTATED
BY THE RELEASE OF THIS SORDID VIDEOTAPE.
TEELA IS A RESPECTABLE YOUNG WOMAN
WHO WOULD NEVER DEGRADE HERSELF IN THIS MANNER.
- HA HA! I'M HAVING FUN! WOO!
AWESOME.
- WE PLAN TO FILE CHARGES AGAINST BEAST MAN IMMEDIATELY.
- BUT HOW WILL THIS AFFECT THE MAY SWEEPS PERFORMANCE
OF TEELA'S NEW REALITY PROGRAM?
- AND THIS IS HOW QUANTUM CHROMO DYNAMICS THEORIZES
HOW QUARKS INTERACT BY EXCHANGING PARTICLES ON A SUBATOMIC LEVEL.
- YOU'RE [BLEEP] STUPID.
- PRINCE ADAM OF THE ROYAL FAMILY
ALSO EXPRESSED HIS CONCERNS.
- I WAS OUTRAGED BY WHAT I SAW ON THAT VIDEO.
TEELA KEPT HOGGING THE CAMERA.
I COULD BARELY SEE BEAST MAN AT ALL.
I MEAN...
- IN A RELATED STORY, A NEW SEX TAPE
FEATURING COURT MAGICIAN ORKO HAS SURFACED.
THE DOG'S OWNERS HAVE SO FAR DECLINED COMMENT.
- AAH! UH!
- A WITCH! A WITCH! LOOK AT THE WITCH!
- OOH, A WITCH.
HAPPY [BLEEP] HALLOWEEN.
- [CHILDREN GROAN]
- A HUGE CROWD OF MICHAEL JACKSON FANS
HAS FORMED OUTSIDE THE SANTA BARBARA COURTHOUSE
JUST TO GET A GLIMPSE OF THEIR EMBATTLED IDOL.
THE KING OF POP IS DUE HERE ANY MINUTE.
WAIT A SECOND. I'VE JUST HEARD--YES.
YES, HE'S HERE. MICHAEL JACKSON IS HERE.
- HI, EVERYBODY, IT'S ME, MICHAEL JACKSON.
HOORAY! HI!
WEE! I LOVE YOU!
HERE WE GO. LOOK AT ME. I'M A...
[VOCALIZES]
SO FUN. WE GONNA BE GOOD FRIENDS.
AW, THANKS FOR COMING, EVERYBODY.
YAY! WEE!
I LOVE YOU ALL.
WE'LL GET THROUGH THIS TOGETHER.
WE CAN BEAT THE EVIL WITH LOVE.
I LOVE YOU!
- [WOMAN SCREAMS]
- [SCREAMS]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
- IT'S--IT'S... MICHAEL JACKSON?
- [CROWD GASPS]
- NO, NO, THAT'S NOT MICHAEL JACKSON.
I'M MICHAEL JACKSON. REALLY.
LOOK AT MY DRIVER'S LICENSE, REALLY.
IT SAYS, "MICHAEL JACKSON."
- I AM MICHAEL JACKSON, THE REAL MICHAEL JACKSON.
I WAS KIDNAPPED BY ALIENS OVER 15 YEARS AGO.
[VOCALIZES]
THE CONCERT ACCIDENT GAVE THEM AN OPPORTUNITY THEY COULDN'T PASS UP.
I WAS TAKEN AWAY TO ANOTHER PLANET,
WHILE A FAKE WAS LEFT IN MY PLACE
ALL AS A PART OF A PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD.
- UH, THAT DOESN'T SEEM TO MAKE MUCH SENSE.
- THOSE ARE LIES, ALL LIES.
STOP LYING.
- MY BABY!
- NOW YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR.
- [VOCALIZES, MUSIC PLAYING]
PREPARE TO DIE!
- [VOCALIZES]
- [CROWD MURMURING]
[CROWD SCREAMS]
- OH, MY GOD, HE'S GOT A GUN!
- BUT WHICH--WHICH ONE IS THE REAL MICHAEL JACKSON?
- TO BE SAFE, YOU MUST SHOOT US BOTH.
- OH, THAT MUST BE THE REAL ONE.
- I GUESS THAT'S AN ACQUITTAL. HA HA HA! HMM...
UH! DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!
YEARS OF PLANNING RUINED!
- HOW WERE WE GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD
WITH A WHITE MICHAEL JACKSON ANYWAY?
- DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!
- [CHICKEN CLUCKING]
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY TURNER ENTERTAINMENT GROUP
CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE --www.ncicap.org--
- STUPID MONKEY!