1 00:00:05,080 --> 00:00:06,120 [theme song playing] 2 00:00:22,760 --> 00:00:24,879 [Jeremy] It turns out there's a good reason 3 00:00:24,960 --> 00:00:27,480 why farmers always moan about the weather. 4 00:00:29,600 --> 00:00:33,000 Because it never does what they want it to do. 5 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:40,960 Back in the autumn when I needed a dry spell to plant my crops, 6 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:43,240 I got this. 7 00:00:43,399 --> 00:00:44,399 [thunder rumbling] 8 00:00:47,679 --> 00:00:51,159 It rained non-stop for eight weeks. 9 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:56,159 And then in May when I needed rain 10 00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:58,320 to keep those crops alive... 11 00:01:00,399 --> 00:01:01,679 I got this. 12 00:01:03,399 --> 00:01:06,319 The driest spring ever recorded. 13 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:11,840 The drought was certainly not helping in this field. 14 00:01:12,519 --> 00:01:16,079 The previous year I'd planted it with rape seed... 15 00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,079 but that had all been eaten by beetles. 16 00:01:22,079 --> 00:01:24,480 -Where's the rape gone? -The flea beetle got it. 17 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:26,200 -[Jeremy] The whole bloody lot? -[Charlie] Yeah. 18 00:01:26,280 --> 00:01:28,120 There's no... There's... I just... 19 00:01:31,439 --> 00:01:34,840 [Jeremy] So rather than let the field sit there doing nothing, 20 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:36,640 I'd come up with one of my 21 00:01:36,680 --> 00:01:39,159 brilliant lockdown brainwaves. 22 00:01:40,799 --> 00:01:43,240 I've planted it with pumpkins for Halloween, 23 00:01:43,319 --> 00:01:44,920 -sweetcorn 'cause I like it. -Yeah. 24 00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,359 And sunflowers 'cause socialists 25 00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:49,000 like to eat their seeds apparently. 26 00:01:49,439 --> 00:01:51,680 -Brilliant. -So can you see them? 27 00:01:52,560 --> 00:01:55,799 -No. -Come on, don't be so negative. 28 00:01:56,120 --> 00:01:57,920 No, there's pumpkins in there. 29 00:02:00,079 --> 00:02:00,959 Oh, he's just pretending he 30 00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,560 can't see them to humiliate me. 31 00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:07,760 [Charlie] I got one. There's another one 32 00:02:07,799 --> 00:02:08,639 and another one there. 33 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,840 I know, they're everywhere, there's thousands. 34 00:02:10,919 --> 00:02:11,879 Stop going, "Oh, I've found one." 35 00:02:11,919 --> 00:02:13,759 Look that's good, isn't it? 36 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:14,800 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 37 00:02:14,879 --> 00:02:17,840 And there look, pumpkins, Halloween in the farm shop. 38 00:02:17,879 --> 00:02:19,800 -The problem is, Jeremy... -Yes? 39 00:02:19,879 --> 00:02:21,840 We need to try and get some water on them. 40 00:02:21,879 --> 00:02:23,240 How are we going to water it? 41 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:25,560 Well, now you see, I'm way ahead of you again. 42 00:02:25,599 --> 00:02:29,439 I have bought a vacuum slurry tanker. 43 00:02:30,879 --> 00:02:34,000 -So you're gonna spray it on? -Yeah. 44 00:02:36,439 --> 00:02:38,599 [Jeremy] To me, the job was simple. 45 00:02:38,680 --> 00:02:40,680 Hitch the tanker to my tractor 46 00:02:40,719 --> 00:02:43,759 and fill it up from my big stream. 47 00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:46,039 I love being in my Lambo. 48 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:50,759 It's like a hay fever capsule, no pollen allowed. 49 00:02:52,719 --> 00:02:53,560 Kaleb, however, 50 00:02:53,599 --> 00:02:55,920 said the job would in fact be difficult 51 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:59,560 as my tractor wouldn't be able to reach the big stream. 52 00:03:03,159 --> 00:03:05,439 Yes. Look at this. 53 00:03:07,159 --> 00:03:08,759 Jeremy, whoa, whoa! 54 00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:11,159 [wood crackles] 55 00:03:11,879 --> 00:03:12,960 [Jeremy] Oh, well, I think I've done it 56 00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:14,840 rather brilliantly. 57 00:03:14,879 --> 00:03:16,280 [Kaleb] Oh, Jesus! 58 00:03:18,680 --> 00:03:21,439 -[Jeremy] Oh, yes! -[Kaleb] Whoa, Jeremy! 59 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,759 If he says my tractor is too big, I'm going to kill him. 60 00:03:26,439 --> 00:03:28,000 Tractor's too bloody big! 61 00:03:28,039 --> 00:03:29,759 Look at it, you're catching on the tree. 62 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:31,400 It's gonna take the beacon off. 63 00:03:34,599 --> 00:03:35,800 Your ideas! 64 00:03:36,759 --> 00:03:38,759 [Jeremy] Right, no beacon. 65 00:03:47,800 --> 00:03:49,479 Oh, this is tight down here. 66 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,759 But, you know, you can't be a pumpkin farmer 67 00:03:52,840 --> 00:03:54,759 without breaking a few branches. 68 00:03:56,560 --> 00:03:58,920 Eventually after a half mile drive 69 00:03:58,960 --> 00:04:00,319 that took just one hour... 70 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:02,879 -[Kaleb] Keep going straight. -[Jeremy] What the hell? 71 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:05,800 ...I arrived at the stream. 72 00:04:07,319 --> 00:04:08,360 Oh, ho, ho! 73 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:11,120 The mighty Lamborghini is in place. 74 00:04:12,000 --> 00:04:15,240 Was that skillful driving or just plain luck? 75 00:04:15,319 --> 00:04:17,480 The whole driving of that was just ruthless. 76 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:19,000 You snapped the gate post. 77 00:04:19,079 --> 00:04:20,439 -Have I broken a gate post? 78 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:23,319 -Yes! Snapped it clean off, drove over it. 79 00:04:24,360 --> 00:04:25,560 -Do come through. 80 00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:28,240 -You're gonna upset these people now. 81 00:04:28,240 --> 00:04:29,240 It's a faux pas. 82 00:04:29,360 --> 00:04:31,600 I bet you any money they want pumpkins at Halloween. 83 00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,199 Excuse me, do you do Halloween? 84 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,920 Yeah, I did this year. How come? 85 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,360 Well 'cause I'm growing pumpkins 86 00:04:38,360 --> 00:04:39,519 and I'm just getting water for them 87 00:04:39,560 --> 00:04:40,759 and he's saying I'm being an idiot 88 00:04:40,800 --> 00:04:42,240 for growing pumpkins, but I'm not. 89 00:04:42,319 --> 00:04:43,360 He's blocking the footpath for you, isn't he? 90 00:04:43,480 --> 00:04:44,759 It's not a problem at all. 91 00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:46,920 [Jeremy] Thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. 92 00:04:47,040 --> 00:04:50,639 That's exact... See. Have you undone this? 93 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:52,319 Yeah, it's undone. 94 00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:57,240 God! The things we'll do for fucking pumpkins! 95 00:04:58,199 --> 00:04:59,480 Getting in was one thing. 96 00:04:59,560 --> 00:05:01,360 If you're gonna say getting out again, 97 00:05:01,360 --> 00:05:04,000 it's just turn it round, go back out. 98 00:05:05,319 --> 00:05:06,360 Turn it round where? 99 00:05:06,439 --> 00:05:08,319 Ah, we perhaps should've reversed in, shouldn't we? 100 00:05:08,360 --> 00:05:08,920 -That would have been... 101 00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:10,360 -[Kaleb] Yeah, I did try and like... 102 00:05:10,439 --> 00:05:10,920 -You wasn't really listening to me. 103 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,639 -But your hand signals, you just do this. 104 00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:15,480 I was like this. What's that mean? Oh, turn around. 105 00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:18,439 It could mean caterpillar, it could mean snake. 106 00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:19,800 I had no idea what you were on about. 107 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,680 -[Kaleb] Right. -That's in the stream. 108 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,439 Right, let's see if we can get some water. 109 00:05:25,240 --> 00:05:28,240 All I've got to do is do that. Open that valve! 110 00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:31,639 [pumping] 111 00:05:32,360 --> 00:05:33,800 [Jeremy] Yes, I can hear it! 112 00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:38,680 It's alive! 113 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,680 Any minute now we're gonna have Tower Bridge, 114 00:05:41,759 --> 00:05:43,519 we'll be sucked up this stream. 115 00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:45,560 [Kaleb] There you are, look, look, look. 116 00:05:47,199 --> 00:05:50,840 -Oh, yes! -Water for your pumpkins. 117 00:05:52,279 --> 00:05:53,959 [Jeremy] With the vacuum tanker full, 118 00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:57,120 it was time to switch off and disengage. 119 00:05:57,519 --> 00:05:58,800 [thuds] 120 00:05:59,120 --> 00:06:02,439 You fucking... You rural half-wit! 121 00:06:02,519 --> 00:06:05,360 [laughs] I pressed the wrong button! 122 00:06:06,079 --> 00:06:07,959 [Jeremy] There was then the simple task 123 00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:10,319 of reversing back the way we'd come. 124 00:06:11,480 --> 00:06:13,279 Which way do I turn the steering wheel? 125 00:06:13,360 --> 00:06:15,680 Yeah, I can't tell you how to do it. You just have to know. 126 00:06:16,759 --> 00:06:18,959 Yeah, but unfortunately I don't know. 127 00:06:20,199 --> 00:06:21,959 [Jeremy] Nevertheless, as we'd been 128 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,560 working together for nine months, 129 00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:27,360 we figured that with a bit of teamwork we'd solve the problem. 130 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,720 -Right hand down a long way. -Yeah, but I can't see it! 131 00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,639 [Kaleb] Look behind you then. Now forward. 132 00:06:35,439 --> 00:06:39,800 Whoa, whoa! Now come back. Other way. 133 00:06:39,879 --> 00:06:40,959 -Other way? 134 00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,360 -You're gonna take the fence out. 135 00:06:42,439 --> 00:06:45,040 -Well, what do I do now? -Forwards. 136 00:06:45,120 --> 00:06:46,360 -Again? 137 00:06:46,399 --> 00:06:47,879 -No, you got to get over that way. 138 00:06:49,079 --> 00:06:50,439 -[Kaleb] Wait! -[Jeremy] What? 139 00:06:50,519 --> 00:06:52,680 -You gotta get the whole... -I can't see you! 140 00:06:52,759 --> 00:06:54,959 You've got to tell me right or left hand down! 141 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,600 I'm getting confused. 142 00:06:56,680 --> 00:06:59,199 Oh, that's all we now need to discover, 143 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:00,959 he does not know his right from his left. 144 00:07:01,759 --> 00:07:03,040 We're gonna be here a while. 145 00:07:03,560 --> 00:07:05,639 -[Kaleb] Go forward more! -[Jeremy] What? 146 00:07:05,720 --> 00:07:07,279 -No, you got to get over that way. 147 00:07:07,319 --> 00:07:08,360 -What? Hang on. 148 00:07:08,399 --> 00:07:10,040 -Come back. -Other way? 149 00:07:10,120 --> 00:07:11,120 No. 150 00:07:11,839 --> 00:07:14,360 [Jeremy] Eventually Kaleb came up with a suggestion 151 00:07:14,439 --> 00:07:17,680 that was, in fairness, long overdue. 152 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:19,079 -[Kaleb] Are you gonna let me do it? 153 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:20,160 -[Jeremy] Yes. 154 00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:28,680 If at first you don't succeed, sod it, give it to a teenager. 155 00:07:30,959 --> 00:07:34,720 Yeah, keep coming straight back. It works, I knew it would. 156 00:07:35,159 --> 00:07:37,560 Yeah, this is exactly what I was gonna do 157 00:07:37,600 --> 00:07:39,240 on my next run, so well done. 158 00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:41,360 -[Kaleb] Come on you piece of shit! 159 00:07:41,399 --> 00:07:43,040 -[Jeremy] It's not a piece of shit! 160 00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,560 -Well, well, well... -Well done, Kaleb. 161 00:07:51,639 --> 00:07:53,199 -Thank you very much. -That's very good. 162 00:07:53,279 --> 00:07:54,279 You're very welcome. 163 00:07:55,959 --> 00:07:59,920 [Jeremy] The trip to and from the stream had taken five hours, 164 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:03,319 but now with 1,000 gallons of water on board, 165 00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:04,759 I was back at the field... 166 00:08:06,199 --> 00:08:10,079 and ready to give the whole thing a damn good soaking. 167 00:08:11,759 --> 00:08:15,920 -[Jeremy] Yes! -Drive! Go! 168 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:17,800 I'm going. I'm going. 169 00:08:19,920 --> 00:08:21,639 Look at it. Look at me. 170 00:08:21,720 --> 00:08:25,720 I'm bringing life and nutrition to my otherwise dead field. 171 00:08:26,399 --> 00:08:29,160 And then I swing it round at the bottom end. 172 00:08:33,559 --> 00:08:35,360 [Jeremy] That's fantastic, look at that. 173 00:08:36,399 --> 00:08:38,240 Soon there will be pumpkins 174 00:08:38,279 --> 00:08:40,440 growing in my wake and sweetcorn. 175 00:08:44,000 --> 00:08:45,960 [Charlie] He's run out. He's run out of water. 176 00:08:46,360 --> 00:08:48,159 Oh, hang on, where's the water gone? 177 00:08:52,039 --> 00:08:53,720 Look how you've run out of water! 178 00:08:53,759 --> 00:08:55,759 Are you seriously saying that was all we got? 179 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:56,759 [Charlie and Kaleb] Yes. 180 00:08:56,840 --> 00:08:58,879 -That's 1,000 gallons. -[Kaleb] 1,000 gallons. 181 00:08:58,960 --> 00:08:59,840 -[Jeremy] Four and a half thousand liters. 182 00:08:59,879 --> 00:09:01,240 -Four and a half thousand liters. 183 00:09:01,279 --> 00:09:04,360 And we did one and a quarter runs. 184 00:09:04,440 --> 00:09:06,720 Yeah. You've just put a millimeter of rain. 185 00:09:06,759 --> 00:09:08,320 [Jeremy] I've not put a millimeter on! 186 00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:11,000 That's effectively what that is. 187 00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:12,759 You know, I mean it's evaporated already 188 00:09:12,759 --> 00:09:13,600 and blown away. 189 00:09:13,639 --> 00:09:18,759 So, you know, effectively, well, it hasn't been effective at all. 190 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,279 -He's so miserable. 191 00:09:21,320 --> 00:09:23,879 -He is, but I'm with him on this. 192 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:27,080 If we want pumpkins for Halloween. 193 00:09:27,159 --> 00:09:28,360 Well, that's answered the question, 194 00:09:28,399 --> 00:09:30,279 we don't really want pumpkins do we? 195 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:34,360 Yes, yes. No because we paid for the pumpkin seeds, 196 00:09:34,440 --> 00:09:38,039 I've paid for the water bowser thing. 197 00:09:38,080 --> 00:09:39,639 But how do I make them live? 198 00:09:39,759 --> 00:09:41,519 -You know, until we get a meaningful rain. 199 00:09:41,600 --> 00:09:43,960 -Yeah, yeah. When's the next rain? 200 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:45,639 Well there's nothing in the forecast 201 00:09:45,720 --> 00:09:46,759 for another fortnight. 202 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:49,039 Fucking hell. 203 00:09:50,879 --> 00:09:53,720 [Jeremy] That meant there was only one thing I could do... 204 00:09:56,320 --> 00:09:58,360 -Give Kaleb a hosepipe... 205 00:09:58,399 --> 00:10:00,440 -[Kaleb] It's stupid ideas all the time! 206 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,720 [Jeremy] ...and get an early night. 207 00:10:09,519 --> 00:10:12,080 The next day was important, 208 00:10:12,159 --> 00:10:15,639 because soon everything in this field 209 00:10:15,639 --> 00:10:17,720 would be sold to make bread. 210 00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:20,960 And everything in this field 211 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,840 would be sold to make Sunday lunch. 212 00:10:24,759 --> 00:10:27,840 And to make sure I got the best possible prices, 213 00:10:27,879 --> 00:10:31,320 cheerful Charlie said I had to sit an exam. 214 00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,240 -[Jeremy] Charlie, how are you? 215 00:10:35,279 --> 00:10:36,320 -[Charlie] I'm very well. How are you? 216 00:10:36,360 --> 00:10:38,879 Good. This red tractor business? 217 00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:41,159 Yeah, so you've got your inspection this morning. 218 00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:43,440 But then I've got to do it on the phone? 219 00:10:43,519 --> 00:10:45,000 Yeah, that's the Covid rules. 220 00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,240 And the background is this is the difference 221 00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:51,080 between being able to sell your produce at full market rate 222 00:10:51,159 --> 00:10:52,360 or not having a discount. 223 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:54,759 So when a customer goes out and buys something, 224 00:10:54,840 --> 00:10:56,759 if it's got a little red tractor on the package... 225 00:10:56,759 --> 00:10:57,360 -Exactly. 226 00:10:57,399 --> 00:10:59,240 -...that means that somebody's checked 227 00:10:59,279 --> 00:11:01,799 to make sure my farm hasn't got feces all over it. 228 00:11:01,879 --> 00:11:05,440 Correct, yeah. It's a serious accreditation scheme. 229 00:11:05,519 --> 00:11:06,519 And if I'm not all right, 230 00:11:06,600 --> 00:11:08,879 then I can't sell all my stuff at full price. 231 00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,559 Yes, which will have an even 232 00:11:10,600 --> 00:11:12,600 bigger effect on your profit for the year. 233 00:11:15,080 --> 00:11:17,559 [Jeremy] Soon, the Red Tractor examiner called 234 00:11:17,639 --> 00:11:22,960 and I began my first ever face-Zoom-time meeting. 235 00:11:23,879 --> 00:11:25,320 [Dave] Jeremy, how are you? 236 00:11:25,399 --> 00:11:27,559 I'm very well thank you. How are you? 237 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:30,919 And how do I get to see you? Or do I not? 238 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:36,960 Um, I should be on your screen somewhere in a little corner? 239 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:41,840 No. there's nothing. You're on, video on, microphone on. 240 00:11:41,919 --> 00:11:45,159 All apps don't work and now the screen's dead. 241 00:11:47,879 --> 00:11:50,120 [Jeremy] When we finally reconnected... 242 00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:51,799 Greetings, we're finally there. 243 00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,360 ...Dave, the inspector, 244 00:11:53,399 --> 00:11:55,840 asked for a tour of the farm buildings. 245 00:11:56,919 --> 00:11:58,639 [Dave] Right, Jeremy, what's to the right 246 00:11:58,679 --> 00:12:00,720 of the hay and the straw there? 247 00:12:00,759 --> 00:12:04,000 That is a massive scissor jack 248 00:12:04,080 --> 00:12:07,720 that I used in Colombia to spot condors. 249 00:12:07,799 --> 00:12:09,960 And then there's some doors over there 250 00:12:10,000 --> 00:12:12,399 from a house that my colleagues blew up. 251 00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:15,000 [Jeremy] Dave politely pointed out 252 00:12:15,039 --> 00:12:17,080 that he wanted to see farm equipment, 253 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,639 not old Grand Tour props. 254 00:12:19,720 --> 00:12:21,559 [Dave] Where abouts is your chemical store? 255 00:12:21,639 --> 00:12:23,360 And where are the chemicals currently? 256 00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:27,000 Oh, they're over here in a shipping container. 257 00:12:27,559 --> 00:12:32,039 We thought shipping containers are watertight and secure. 258 00:12:32,120 --> 00:12:33,919 -Ready? -Yeah. 259 00:12:34,000 --> 00:12:35,360 Ta-da! 260 00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:41,120 Oh! Oh sorry that might be an Alfa Romeo. 261 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,320 -Yeah. -Hang on. 262 00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:46,720 It's... 263 00:12:47,320 --> 00:12:48,960 [Jeremy] After this shaky start... 264 00:12:50,840 --> 00:12:54,360 Dave made me jump through hoops for the rest of the morning. 265 00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:56,399 [Dave] There's the can of petrol on 266 00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,480 the floor there Jeremy, what's that for? 267 00:12:58,519 --> 00:13:00,519 What's in the bags that are there in front of you? 268 00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:02,200 Any medicines that you use for the sheep, 269 00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:03,279 where are they stored? 270 00:13:03,320 --> 00:13:05,360 What's the black bag we just walked past? 271 00:13:05,440 --> 00:13:07,320 Is there a red picket anywhere? 272 00:13:07,399 --> 00:13:10,000 Are you gonna be using that shed to store grain at harvest? 273 00:13:10,080 --> 00:13:11,799 What make is that? What does it say on that? 274 00:13:11,879 --> 00:13:14,200 What do you do for vermin control here, Jeremy? 275 00:13:14,279 --> 00:13:17,399 Nick, the mouse murderer comes. That's not his real name. 276 00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:19,159 What's the batch number, please Jeremy? 277 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,879 17318. 278 00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,639 What's the math number on that one, Jeremy? 279 00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,919 19/2H. 280 00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:27,440 76325. 281 00:13:27,519 --> 00:13:29,679 /1549. 282 00:13:29,759 --> 00:13:34,960 Zero zero zero zero zero B. 283 00:13:35,039 --> 00:13:37,080 [Dave] Where abouts are the sheep then, Jeremy? 284 00:13:37,159 --> 00:13:39,519 -See my tractor? -Yeah, very nice. 285 00:13:40,519 --> 00:13:42,320 Ah-ha, chemical store. 286 00:13:42,399 --> 00:13:45,039 Is there anything in there, should any liquid get spilt, 287 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:47,320 is there anything in there that can mop it up? 288 00:13:47,399 --> 00:13:51,720 We've got a Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence movie. 289 00:13:51,799 --> 00:13:54,120 Is that something you'd be interested in? 290 00:13:54,200 --> 00:13:55,679 That won't do. 291 00:13:55,759 --> 00:13:58,200 Yeah, so you need emergency facilities, 292 00:13:58,240 --> 00:14:01,279 which include sand, absorbent granules, 293 00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:04,840 a sump, an ability to retain a spillage. 294 00:14:04,919 --> 00:14:07,720 Who does the transportation of the livestock? 295 00:14:07,799 --> 00:14:08,919 Sometimes it's me. 296 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:11,360 [Dave] There's still sort of animal muck in there. 297 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:15,120 No, that's just soil. There's no animal muck. 298 00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:18,080 Would you pick a handful of it up and show me closer? 299 00:14:18,159 --> 00:14:20,039 I can. Hang on. There you go. 300 00:14:20,120 --> 00:14:22,440 The standard talks about trailers being clean, 301 00:14:22,519 --> 00:14:23,799 the trailer isn't clean. 302 00:14:26,279 --> 00:14:27,639 [Jeremy] After a ticking off 303 00:14:27,679 --> 00:14:29,799 about the chemical store and the trailer, 304 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:32,120 which had a bit of mud that wasn't feces in it, 305 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,759 Dave asked to see my filing system. 306 00:14:36,799 --> 00:14:38,360 [Dave] Do you have a soil management plan 307 00:14:38,399 --> 00:14:40,600 to hand there, Jeremy, at all? 308 00:14:40,639 --> 00:14:44,320 Oh, no that's MMP no. 309 00:14:44,360 --> 00:14:46,399 What was the question? I've forgotten. 310 00:14:46,759 --> 00:14:47,639 Is this the first audit 311 00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:49,720 you've been involved with, Jeremy? 312 00:14:49,759 --> 00:14:52,840 [Jeremy] Eventually with my phone battery on 2%, 313 00:14:52,919 --> 00:14:55,000 I had to cut to the chase. 314 00:14:55,840 --> 00:14:57,200 [Jeremy] David, what I really wanna know, 315 00:14:57,279 --> 00:15:00,320 I appreciate there are two things that we've got wrong, 316 00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:03,720 the sand pit and the muddy trailer, 317 00:15:03,759 --> 00:15:06,080 but are we gonna be okay? 318 00:15:07,360 --> 00:15:08,440 Yes. 319 00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,759 [Jeremy] This made me very proud. 320 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:13,639 I've done a thing! 321 00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:18,879 Sadly though, there was no time to celebrate 322 00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:21,679 because the next emergency beckoned. 323 00:15:23,039 --> 00:15:25,919 Putting some wet into my wetlands. 324 00:15:28,159 --> 00:15:29,440 [Jeremy] I mean look at the cracks. 325 00:15:29,519 --> 00:15:31,480 -[Kaleb] Yeah. On the plus side, though. 326 00:15:31,519 --> 00:15:32,159 -What? 327 00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:34,480 Grass is worth a lot of money at the minute. 328 00:15:34,559 --> 00:15:35,879 -Is it? -Mmm, hay. 329 00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:37,320 -Hay. -Is it? 330 00:15:37,399 --> 00:15:39,240 Cut some hay, bale it, put it in the shed. 331 00:15:39,320 --> 00:15:41,639 Guarantee, 'cause no one's had a very good cut. 332 00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:43,639 Well the sheep's had most of the hay away. 333 00:15:43,720 --> 00:15:45,840 -Yeah. -Which you don't like again. 334 00:15:45,919 --> 00:15:49,320 No, I mean, if you'd have not had the sheep, cut that for hay, 335 00:15:49,399 --> 00:15:50,279 you'd have made more money on the hay 336 00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:51,200 than you would have the sheep. 337 00:15:51,240 --> 00:15:52,080 -I haven't made any money on the sheep. 338 00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:54,159 -Exactly, you've lost loads. 339 00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,600 But what would you have lost if you'd cut it for hay? 340 00:15:56,679 --> 00:15:58,200 -Nothing. -Exactly. 341 00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:02,039 And there's my point again. Fuck the sheep. 342 00:16:04,039 --> 00:16:06,840 [Jeremy] Kaleb Attenborough and I then turned our attention 343 00:16:06,919 --> 00:16:09,600 to the watering solution system I'd bought. 344 00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:13,360 Solar powered water pump. 345 00:16:13,879 --> 00:16:16,480 That's not gonna work, is it. Be realistic. 346 00:16:16,559 --> 00:16:17,840 I don't think it is either, 347 00:16:17,879 --> 00:16:20,240 but I'm going to give nature a chance. 348 00:16:20,279 --> 00:16:24,480 God has provided us with this power station in the sky 349 00:16:24,559 --> 00:16:26,360 and we're going to try and use it. 350 00:16:28,120 --> 00:16:31,399 Let's just lie them down for now, that's a good idea. 351 00:16:31,480 --> 00:16:33,279 This should fire up the pump. 352 00:16:33,879 --> 00:16:35,360 I'm about to lower an 353 00:16:35,399 --> 00:16:38,960 electrically powered object into a pond. 354 00:16:40,799 --> 00:16:42,360 -Ready? -[Kaleb] Go for it. 355 00:16:52,399 --> 00:16:54,159 -You could piss faster than that. 356 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,240 -That is just lamentable. 357 00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:58,360 -You know what the solution is, mate? 358 00:16:58,399 --> 00:16:58,960 -What's that? 359 00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,480 Internal combustion. 360 00:17:00,559 --> 00:17:03,559 It's the solution to everything. Speed and power. 361 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:09,559 [Jeremy] I therefore went shopping 362 00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:12,200 and soon we had some meaty hoses. 363 00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,000 And a generator that ran 364 00:17:16,039 --> 00:17:19,079 on the amber nectar that is petrol. 365 00:17:20,079 --> 00:17:21,799 [Jeremy] Solar power, my arse. 366 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:26,400 -[Kaleb] Um, problem. -[Jeremy] Oh! 367 00:17:26,480 --> 00:17:27,759 [Jeremy laughs] 368 00:17:28,160 --> 00:17:30,160 -Can you go and get it for me? -Yeah, of course. 369 00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:34,160 No, that's stuck fast, mate, sorry, 370 00:17:34,200 --> 00:17:35,880 nothing I can do about that. 371 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:42,279 Oh, you bastard! 372 00:17:42,319 --> 00:17:45,160 Well you got me in the tractor the other day, that is payback. 373 00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:48,079 Fuel, pump on, choke on. 374 00:17:50,640 --> 00:17:52,640 -Um, right. -Yeah, you ready? 375 00:17:53,759 --> 00:17:56,039 [Jeremy] Here we are demonstrating that once again 376 00:17:56,079 --> 00:17:59,720 solar power is no match for internal combustion. 377 00:18:02,240 --> 00:18:05,079 There it is. There it is. There it is! 378 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:09,319 Okay, that's pretty wild actually. 379 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:13,079 -[Kaleb] That's not really working is it? 380 00:18:13,079 --> 00:18:14,039 -What do you mean? 381 00:18:14,079 --> 00:18:15,240 It's too powerful. 382 00:18:15,319 --> 00:18:19,799 It's taking all the seeds and the soil into the river there. 383 00:18:19,920 --> 00:18:22,200 This is really hard work holding onto it. 384 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:25,759 -Oh! -[laughs] 385 00:18:26,480 --> 00:18:28,880 Fucking hell! No, shut it down. 386 00:18:30,079 --> 00:18:34,559 Right, as I've always said, speed and power doesn't work. 387 00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:36,160 Solar power's the answer. 388 00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,920 And so... 389 00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,400 Come on, Kaleb, we'll let Zeus do his job. 390 00:18:45,880 --> 00:18:47,759 -Got to come back down in 15 minutes. 391 00:18:47,799 --> 00:18:48,559 -I know. 392 00:18:49,079 --> 00:18:52,200 And water here and turn round and move the pipe. 393 00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:58,319 [Jeremy] With the wetlands sorted, 394 00:18:58,400 --> 00:19:00,559 I plunged into my next project. 395 00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,519 Planting some trees for the government. 396 00:19:06,960 --> 00:19:09,079 Which in the driest May on record 397 00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:13,400 is not the sort of job your right leg will thank you for. 398 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,960 When Monty Don does this... 399 00:19:21,400 --> 00:19:23,559 it always looks so incredibly easy. 400 00:19:25,079 --> 00:19:28,960 The government announced that by 2025, 401 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:33,200 it would plant 125 million trees in the UK 402 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,960 and everybody said that's fantastic! 403 00:19:36,240 --> 00:19:37,319 And it is. 404 00:19:38,079 --> 00:19:40,319 But where are all these trees gonna come from? 405 00:19:41,559 --> 00:19:43,799 You'd have to import them from abroad and if you do that, 406 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,920 you get abroad diseases like Ash dieback 407 00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:47,799 from Scandinavia 408 00:19:47,799 --> 00:19:50,799 and Dutch elm disease from Canada. 409 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:54,079 And then that kills off all the trees that are already here. 410 00:19:55,519 --> 00:20:00,880 And who was gonna plant them? 125 million trees! 411 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,559 You can't even get people 412 00:20:03,559 --> 00:20:06,039 to pick strawberries in this country. 413 00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:11,079 And selfishly, there's another problem. 414 00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:14,680 You know what I just thought of, if I plant a tree, 415 00:20:14,759 --> 00:20:18,079 by the time it's an actual tree, I'll be dead. 416 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:20,720 So I'm doing all this work 417 00:20:20,759 --> 00:20:25,400 for a bunch of ingrates and millennials. 418 00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:29,319 I need to speed this up. 419 00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,559 We're managing to plant all these trees 420 00:20:43,559 --> 00:20:46,960 with just two track vehicles. 421 00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:50,640 The dump truck, the van and the lorry. That's all we're using. 422 00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:57,039 A tree! 423 00:20:58,559 --> 00:21:00,880 -And this is the exhaust pipe. -This is the exhaust pipe. 424 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:03,319 So this is an irrigation and an aeration tube. 425 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:07,160 So it's putting water around the edge of the roots. 426 00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,000 -So it's got holes in it. -It's got holes in it. 427 00:21:09,079 --> 00:21:10,960 And how old is it? Five, ten years? 428 00:21:11,039 --> 00:21:12,680 -Probably about 40-years-old, I reckon. 429 00:21:12,720 --> 00:21:13,319 -Is it? 430 00:21:24,559 --> 00:21:28,079 And this is what I've ended up with, 20 new trees. 431 00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:32,039 Good for insects, good for birds, which will nest in them. 432 00:21:37,640 --> 00:21:38,759 I don't normally like trees, 433 00:21:38,799 --> 00:21:41,319 but I like these ones 'cause they've all got exhaust pipes. 434 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:53,559 As May came to a close, there was still no sign of rain. 435 00:21:57,759 --> 00:21:59,559 So we did everything we could 436 00:21:59,599 --> 00:22:01,960 to look after everything in our care. 437 00:22:03,359 --> 00:22:05,680 We built some shade for the trout. 438 00:22:07,839 --> 00:22:10,480 I moved water about non-stop. 439 00:22:12,079 --> 00:22:14,720 Kaleb stood around with his hose. 440 00:22:16,799 --> 00:22:19,079 And Charlie monitored the vegetables 441 00:22:19,119 --> 00:22:20,920 I'd planted in lockdown. 442 00:22:22,319 --> 00:22:24,839 It's not ideal conditions, but you know, 443 00:22:24,880 --> 00:22:25,920 we've got the farm shop, 444 00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:28,240 we need something to stock it. 445 00:22:28,319 --> 00:22:31,079 We've got Swiss chard, we've got beans, 446 00:22:31,119 --> 00:22:33,160 broad beans, we've got swedes, 447 00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:35,960 we've got turnips, we've got leeks. 448 00:22:36,039 --> 00:22:37,960 Whatever you want, 449 00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:39,400 we're growing it up here, or trying to. 450 00:22:39,440 --> 00:22:41,160 I think it's gonna be a real challenge. 451 00:22:45,359 --> 00:22:46,880 [Jeremy] But the biggest challenge 452 00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:48,960 was the state of our main crops, 453 00:22:50,119 --> 00:22:53,319 as Charlie pointed out on our next field walk. 454 00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,640 -So this wheat. -And if we come down, 455 00:22:57,720 --> 00:23:01,000 you can just see now that we've got quite a lot of... 456 00:23:01,079 --> 00:23:03,480 Brilliant, that's a whole loaf of bread just gone. 457 00:23:03,559 --> 00:23:05,880 So we've got rust coming on the bottom. 458 00:23:05,960 --> 00:23:07,799 -We've got what? -Rust. 459 00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,519 -So it's a type of disease. -What, like a Lancia? 460 00:23:10,599 --> 00:23:11,519 Exactly. 461 00:23:11,599 --> 00:23:14,200 But the main problem at the moment 462 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:15,279 is at this end of the plant, 463 00:23:15,319 --> 00:23:18,160 we need these lovely white 464 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,240 fresh roots to keep growing with the moisture. 465 00:23:20,279 --> 00:23:21,359 -And there isn't any moisture. 466 00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:22,720 -'Cause there isn't any moisture. 467 00:23:22,759 --> 00:23:23,960 I mean we've been in lockdown now 468 00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:26,799 for six, seven weeks, haven't we? 469 00:23:28,559 --> 00:23:30,359 It's just because I came to see this rust. 470 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:31,359 -Yes. 471 00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,160 -But we've been in lockdown for... 472 00:23:33,200 --> 00:23:34,559 -And it hasn't really rained, really. 473 00:23:34,599 --> 00:23:36,839 -No, well, about two months. 474 00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,000 Yeah, two months. 475 00:23:38,079 --> 00:23:41,519 It was the same parched story everywhere. 476 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,079 He's ripped up another bit. 477 00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:47,680 It's just getting a little bit stressed, moisture stress again. 478 00:23:47,759 --> 00:23:49,160 -So they become a bit waxy. -How do you know? 479 00:23:49,319 --> 00:23:51,880 -Oh, I see, so the white stuff? -The white stuff. 480 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:54,759 So the white stuff is just like a wax, 481 00:23:54,799 --> 00:23:56,119 so it's just protecting itself, 482 00:23:56,160 --> 00:23:57,519 So the leaves are curled. 483 00:23:57,599 --> 00:23:59,400 So it's stressy when it's got white stuff on it? 484 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:01,960 Yeah. And the leaves are curled to try and reduce moisture. 485 00:24:02,039 --> 00:24:04,000 [Jeremy] Ah! So curling round is bad? 486 00:24:04,079 --> 00:24:05,359 -Curling round is a bad sign. - Stress. 487 00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:06,920 [Dave] Stress, these crops are stressed. 488 00:24:08,839 --> 00:24:11,599 [Jeremy] The water shortage was a serious problem, 489 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:15,480 but it wasn't the only thing that was bothering me. 490 00:24:16,480 --> 00:24:18,240 I was doing this thing the other day, 491 00:24:18,319 --> 00:24:22,079 I was watching Kaleb spraying something or other. 492 00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:23,359 -Yeah? -Yeah. 493 00:24:23,440 --> 00:24:27,119 How long can we keep just spraying fields before they go, 494 00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,799 "Actually you know what? I've given all I can give"? 495 00:24:30,559 --> 00:24:32,759 -The crop? -Just the soil. 496 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:36,400 Isn't it a bit like saying to a footballer, 497 00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:38,880 right you've done the whole Premier League season, 498 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:42,160 now you're immediately going on to play 499 00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:43,640 in the Southern Hemisphere 500 00:24:43,680 --> 00:24:45,359 and you've got to give just as much 501 00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:47,480 there and then straight back. 502 00:24:47,519 --> 00:24:50,160 They're not gonna last very long as footballers. 503 00:24:50,240 --> 00:24:52,279 So that's why we have a rotation. 504 00:24:52,319 --> 00:24:53,359 So we grow different... 505 00:24:53,400 --> 00:24:56,640 But we do wheat, barley, rape. So there's no real... 506 00:24:56,720 --> 00:24:59,359 But the rotation breaks up the rotation of chemicals. 507 00:24:59,440 --> 00:25:01,640 And we're not just pouring on chemicals 508 00:25:01,680 --> 00:25:02,640 just for the sake of it. 509 00:25:02,680 --> 00:25:05,160 I appreciate it. We're doing it for all the right reasons. 510 00:25:05,240 --> 00:25:07,599 Feed the world, keep the crops healthy. 511 00:25:07,680 --> 00:25:09,960 Long term though, some people are saying, 512 00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:11,319 I mean they're probably scaremongers, 513 00:25:11,359 --> 00:25:12,960 but nevertheless, 514 00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:14,039 they're saying that in this country 515 00:25:14,079 --> 00:25:17,440 we only have 90 or 100 harvests left 516 00:25:17,519 --> 00:25:20,319 before the top soil is dead. 517 00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:21,960 -Am I allowed to be a bit worried? 518 00:25:22,000 --> 00:25:23,279 -It's only right to be worried. 519 00:25:26,559 --> 00:25:29,400 [Jeremy] Once Charlie and I had finished the crop walk, 520 00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:32,680 I turned my attention to a murder mystery. 521 00:25:33,839 --> 00:25:36,400 Normally my hens look like this. 522 00:25:37,799 --> 00:25:39,720 But in the last couple of days, 523 00:25:39,759 --> 00:25:42,160 they'd started to look like this. 524 00:25:44,720 --> 00:25:47,960 And I just worked out what was going on. 525 00:25:51,039 --> 00:25:52,960 This is a pastoral scene, you would agree. 526 00:25:53,039 --> 00:25:57,319 All the sheep rubbing up against the henhouses. 527 00:25:58,200 --> 00:26:00,680 There's nothing pastoral about it, though. 528 00:26:00,759 --> 00:26:05,799 Because what they do is they open the henhouse doors. 529 00:26:06,640 --> 00:26:09,400 Not making it up, they rub against the catches until... 530 00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:12,000 No, the blue one, they've opened it, come on. 531 00:26:14,119 --> 00:26:15,279 There you go. 532 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:19,039 Come on, clear off. 533 00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:23,240 Look, they rub themselves against the catches 534 00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:26,720 so the door opens and the hens can get out. 535 00:26:27,799 --> 00:26:29,279 I wonder why they do it? 536 00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:33,559 The only reason I can think is that 537 00:26:33,599 --> 00:26:35,640 they're bored and they just think, 538 00:26:35,680 --> 00:26:38,920 "Hey, girls, let's just go and let some hens out 539 00:26:39,000 --> 00:26:40,240 "and see how far they get 540 00:26:40,279 --> 00:26:41,960 before they're eaten by the fox." 541 00:26:42,799 --> 00:26:44,920 I mean the foxes live in a hole, 542 00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,359 I can see it actually from here, in that hedge. 543 00:26:47,440 --> 00:26:51,000 Basically they're living opposite a branch of KFC. 544 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:52,880 The sheep know the foxes are there. 545 00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:53,960 They know the hens are here. 546 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:55,640 It's just a game to them. 547 00:26:59,400 --> 00:27:01,839 [Jeremy] Kaleb, however, dismissed my theory. 548 00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:05,160 As we built a fence to stop the problem, 549 00:27:05,240 --> 00:27:08,759 he said the sheep were rubbing themselves on the henhouses 550 00:27:08,839 --> 00:27:11,599 because they were hot and itchy. 551 00:27:12,599 --> 00:27:15,440 Which meant it was time to shear them. 552 00:27:17,880 --> 00:27:19,039 -Well, they basically live in this field. 553 00:27:19,079 --> 00:27:20,200 -Yeah. 554 00:27:20,240 --> 00:27:22,160 Well there's a story to tell there, isn't there? 555 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:23,839 That's green and that isn't. 556 00:27:23,920 --> 00:27:26,920 [Jeremy] So I gave Kevin from the NSA a call 557 00:27:27,000 --> 00:27:30,000 and he was keen to hear how I'd got on with the lambing. 558 00:27:30,720 --> 00:27:34,400 [Jeremy] Overall, all the lambs have survived, except one. 559 00:27:34,480 --> 00:27:35,799 [Kevin] Well that's good. 560 00:27:35,880 --> 00:27:39,759 [Jeremy] I did put my hand up one's bottom by mistake. 561 00:27:39,839 --> 00:27:42,480 -I bet you've done that. -No. 562 00:27:42,559 --> 00:27:45,319 It was an honest mistake. I wasn't doing it on purpose. 563 00:27:46,759 --> 00:27:48,400 -[Kevin] Is this your friend? -Yeah, this is the one. 564 00:27:48,480 --> 00:27:50,160 I think this is the one I went up the back, 565 00:27:50,240 --> 00:27:51,880 'cause every time I come, 566 00:27:51,960 --> 00:27:54,119 she comes and looks at me like, "Please don't do that again." 567 00:27:54,200 --> 00:27:56,440 -Yeah, but because there's people here. 568 00:27:56,480 --> 00:27:57,519 -I've apologized. 569 00:28:01,640 --> 00:28:05,359 [Jeremy] Soon, Ellen the shepherd arrived with a mate. 570 00:28:05,440 --> 00:28:07,920 The sheep were rounded up in their pens... 571 00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:12,799 and a blizzard of shearing began. 572 00:28:26,240 --> 00:28:27,799 -God look at... Does that spin round then? 573 00:28:27,839 --> 00:28:28,759 -Yeah. 574 00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:31,319 Oh, I've found it. 575 00:28:32,640 --> 00:28:34,039 -What if you get your finger in there? 576 00:28:34,079 --> 00:28:35,240 -They'll come off. 577 00:28:35,279 --> 00:28:36,160 That's bloody... 578 00:28:36,200 --> 00:28:37,559 I'm gonna cut my hand off if I... 579 00:28:37,599 --> 00:28:40,519 -Why do they have that? -[Ellen] So you can move it. 580 00:28:41,559 --> 00:28:42,599 'Cause otherwise you wouldn't be able 581 00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:43,680 to get over all the bumps 582 00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:46,200 -and the bends of the sheep. -That's lethal. 583 00:28:50,200 --> 00:28:53,359 -You pull them out upside down. -'Cause then it's easy. 584 00:28:53,440 --> 00:28:55,640 You can get straight on and start clipping them. 585 00:28:55,720 --> 00:28:56,880 Just saves you time. 586 00:28:56,960 --> 00:28:59,039 And this is done mainly for welfare reasons, isn't it. 587 00:28:59,119 --> 00:29:00,960 I mean 'cause they'd be too hot. 588 00:29:01,039 --> 00:29:03,279 They'd be too hot and it's more likely 589 00:29:03,319 --> 00:29:04,920 they'd get maggots as well. 590 00:29:04,960 --> 00:29:07,160 [Kevin] Right, you're looking for a job, I assume. 591 00:29:07,559 --> 00:29:11,200 [Jeremy] Kevin then set me to work rolling up the fleeces. 592 00:29:11,799 --> 00:29:13,799 All right. Throw it out. 593 00:29:16,400 --> 00:29:18,839 Can you tell which was the back end from the neck? 594 00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:21,880 -I reckon that's the back. -No, that's the neck. 595 00:29:21,960 --> 00:29:23,680 -[Jeremy] Yeah, I knew that. -A bit of poo there look. 596 00:29:23,759 --> 00:29:24,880 [Jeremy] Yeah, that's shit, yeah. 597 00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:27,359 [Kevin] Need to take any poo off like that, 598 00:29:27,440 --> 00:29:31,720 roll it up tight, bring your neck round 599 00:29:31,759 --> 00:29:32,799 and stuff it in there. 600 00:29:38,720 --> 00:29:40,400 That's a nice one. 601 00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:41,839 This one was crapping... 602 00:29:41,920 --> 00:29:44,240 How's it got crap at the back and the front? 603 00:29:44,319 --> 00:29:48,079 Look it's crapped everywhere. It's got it on its feet. 604 00:29:48,160 --> 00:29:51,920 I immediately decided rolling wasn't for me. 605 00:29:52,000 --> 00:29:54,960 I want to have a go at that. Can I do the next one? 606 00:29:55,039 --> 00:29:58,079 If you want. So you get her head. 607 00:29:59,559 --> 00:30:00,799 And get her tail. 608 00:30:03,319 --> 00:30:05,359 And they're gonna bend towards each other 609 00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:06,440 and you're gonna step back. 610 00:30:06,480 --> 00:30:07,839 No, no! 611 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:16,119 Right. First of all, I've got to be calm. 612 00:30:17,119 --> 00:30:18,559 Give them no sense that I'm gonna 613 00:30:18,599 --> 00:30:20,240 roll them on their back in a moment. 614 00:30:20,279 --> 00:30:22,799 Just talking to you. Sheep psychology. Here we go. 615 00:30:22,880 --> 00:30:23,759 -She already knows you're after her. 616 00:30:23,799 --> 00:30:25,000 -Of course she does. 617 00:30:25,039 --> 00:30:27,160 Stay calm, Kev, stay calm. 618 00:30:27,200 --> 00:30:28,880 Let's have no panicking from you two. 619 00:30:28,920 --> 00:30:30,680 Okay. Put your hand on her chin. 620 00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:34,759 I've done a thing. 621 00:30:36,480 --> 00:30:39,000 -We got her. -Well, yeah, but she's on me. 622 00:30:39,079 --> 00:30:40,720 The next move is head. 623 00:30:42,440 --> 00:30:43,480 I'm gonna get kicked. 624 00:30:43,559 --> 00:30:47,119 Ow, it's got me in the testes! Oh, that's it. Right. 625 00:30:49,839 --> 00:30:52,000 [all laugh] 626 00:30:53,160 --> 00:30:55,720 I can't wrestle sheep. 627 00:30:58,359 --> 00:31:01,799 To make life easier, Ellen pulled a sheep out for me. 628 00:31:04,160 --> 00:31:07,720 So you want to put that leg up your bum crack. 629 00:31:07,799 --> 00:31:09,039 -Up my bum crack? -Yeah. 630 00:31:09,119 --> 00:31:11,599 -Where do I put her head? -Her head stays forward. 631 00:31:12,240 --> 00:31:16,559 That side. Oh, God! Oh look, I know I'll settle her down. 632 00:31:16,640 --> 00:31:18,240 Where are you going on your holidays this year? 633 00:31:19,160 --> 00:31:22,680 There you go, now we've got a relaxed relationship going on. 634 00:31:22,759 --> 00:31:26,519 Whoa! In the inner thigh! 635 00:31:33,279 --> 00:31:34,960 Fucking hell, that's impossible. 636 00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:40,240 I couldn't believe the idea of holding a sheep down, 637 00:31:40,640 --> 00:31:42,839 already you need to be an octopus to do that, 638 00:31:42,920 --> 00:31:45,400 already you need eight legs and you need to be strong. 639 00:31:45,480 --> 00:31:47,079 -[Ellen] Yeah. -Then it's lying there, 640 00:31:47,160 --> 00:31:50,279 thrashing its head around, looking for a weak spot in you, 641 00:31:50,359 --> 00:31:52,000 while you're operating a thing 642 00:31:52,079 --> 00:31:55,759 that would have your hand off as quick as anything. 643 00:31:55,839 --> 00:31:57,519 I mean, the old dog I thought was impressive, 644 00:31:57,599 --> 00:31:58,920 and now you're more impressive 645 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:00,160 -than your dog. -[laughs] 646 00:32:01,559 --> 00:32:03,160 [Jeremy] After the shearing debacle, 647 00:32:03,200 --> 00:32:05,480 I was put back on rolling duties. 648 00:32:07,039 --> 00:32:08,599 And how did you spend the day, Jeremy? 649 00:32:08,680 --> 00:32:12,240 Well ripping dingle berries out of shaved sheep's coats. 650 00:32:13,440 --> 00:32:16,119 Because this is a sheep related enterprise, 651 00:32:16,200 --> 00:32:19,680 I suspected it wouldn't be financially rewarding either. 652 00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:23,640 I know there's Covid, so there's no exports to China. 653 00:32:23,720 --> 00:32:26,200 Nobody's building houses, so nobody's buying new carpets. 654 00:32:27,079 --> 00:32:28,720 And nobody wears wool clothes anymore 655 00:32:28,799 --> 00:32:31,279 'cause everybody wears tracksuits and football shirts. 656 00:32:32,519 --> 00:32:35,920 So how much am I gonna get for that fleece? 657 00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:39,799 That probably I'd say 30 to 40p. 658 00:32:40,240 --> 00:32:43,720 So, if there's 77 sheep. 659 00:32:46,799 --> 00:32:48,279 £30.80. 660 00:32:48,720 --> 00:32:53,039 £30.80 is what I'm going to get for all this wool! 661 00:32:53,119 --> 00:32:54,160 Yeah. 662 00:32:54,720 --> 00:32:58,359 Ellen is £1.75 a sheep, her mate's the same. 663 00:32:58,440 --> 00:33:01,880 I then get 40 pence for what they produce. 664 00:33:01,960 --> 00:33:03,480 Mmm-hmm. 665 00:33:03,559 --> 00:33:06,119 Kev, this is a bam business. 666 00:33:07,039 --> 00:33:09,920 Yeah, but we're not doing this section now 667 00:33:09,960 --> 00:33:10,799 really to make money are we. 668 00:33:10,839 --> 00:33:12,119 It did in the olden days. 669 00:33:12,359 --> 00:33:14,119 Think about it half a million sheep 670 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,200 in the Cotswolds in the 12th century 671 00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:18,519 and there were only two million people in the whole country. 672 00:33:18,599 --> 00:33:20,440 Sheep outnumbered people 673 00:33:20,480 --> 00:33:21,519 back then four to one in Britain. 674 00:33:21,559 --> 00:33:22,960 Yeah, I mean if you look round 675 00:33:23,000 --> 00:33:24,839 at some of the towns around here, 676 00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:26,680 they got unfeasibly large churches, 677 00:33:26,759 --> 00:33:27,559 that's because all the people 678 00:33:27,599 --> 00:33:29,000 that made their money out of the wool, 679 00:33:29,039 --> 00:33:30,559 felt they needed to give to the community 680 00:33:30,599 --> 00:33:31,960 and just built massive churches. 681 00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:34,960 Yeah. There, we've got massive churches and big houses. 682 00:33:35,039 --> 00:33:36,480 Why do people wear tracksuits? 683 00:33:36,519 --> 00:33:38,799 Why don't we make tracksuits illegal? 684 00:33:38,839 --> 00:33:42,319 And football shirts, illegal. Illegal. 685 00:33:42,359 --> 00:33:44,400 You can only wear woolen clothing. 686 00:33:44,440 --> 00:33:45,799 We're right behind you. 687 00:33:46,039 --> 00:33:48,519 -Right, no more tracksuits. -Woolly underpants. 688 00:33:48,599 --> 00:33:49,640 Woolly underpants. 689 00:33:51,640 --> 00:33:54,480 As Ellen and her mate blitzed through the sheep, 690 00:33:55,519 --> 00:33:59,480 I got a visit from Gerald, who'd also been to the shearers. 691 00:34:00,119 --> 00:34:02,799 -All right, Gerald. -Hello. 692 00:34:03,079 --> 00:34:07,480 I didn't think you'd be with the herds out here. 693 00:34:07,720 --> 00:34:09,280 That's the area with all the shit on. 694 00:34:09,360 --> 00:34:11,239 I can finish it off if you want? I've got the shit. 695 00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:12,360 [laughs] Yeah, I know. 696 00:34:12,440 --> 00:34:15,639 I reckon now you'd pick whatever 697 00:34:15,679 --> 00:34:18,199 or whichever one tank to put on each tree, haven't you? 698 00:34:18,320 --> 00:34:19,639 And not disturbing them, 699 00:34:19,760 --> 00:34:21,880 I would have thought they'd have went to Manchester. 700 00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:24,960 Another thing I found two years ago on the subject... 701 00:34:25,320 --> 00:34:26,400 Oh, yeah. 702 00:34:26,480 --> 00:34:28,280 But, you know, with the old back, 703 00:34:28,320 --> 00:34:29,639 it's a terrible job, that is. 704 00:34:29,760 --> 00:34:33,360 You got bloody hoses fetching out there 705 00:34:33,440 --> 00:34:37,039 in the place where your pond is. 706 00:34:37,119 --> 00:34:39,440 Find no animals at all round here now. 707 00:34:39,519 --> 00:34:43,079 You're better off with the dirt. You can't do that with animals. 708 00:34:44,079 --> 00:34:46,280 Yeah. Right, I'm gonna roll this up. 709 00:34:46,320 --> 00:34:47,599 Nice talking to you Gerald. 710 00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:51,800 As the afternoon wore on, 711 00:34:51,840 --> 00:34:55,159 the valueless fleeces kept on coming, 712 00:34:55,199 --> 00:34:58,920 until eventually all we had left were the two rams. 713 00:34:59,000 --> 00:35:02,199 Wayne and Leonardo. 714 00:35:04,159 --> 00:35:06,559 If he writhes around now... 715 00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:13,360 Funny thing is the real Wayne Rooney, 716 00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:14,559 when he goes to the barbers, 717 00:35:14,599 --> 00:35:15,960 he normally comes out with more hair 718 00:35:16,000 --> 00:35:17,920 than he went in with, but not this one. 719 00:35:20,280 --> 00:35:24,000 With Wayne and Leo sporting their new BNP haircuts, 720 00:35:24,079 --> 00:35:27,360 it was time to down tools and crack open a beer. 721 00:35:28,559 --> 00:35:30,320 I don't feel like I quite earned it though, 722 00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:31,360 I've got to be honest, 'cause I 723 00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:33,639 didn't really master sheep shearing. 724 00:35:33,679 --> 00:35:36,320 Yeah, but as the host, it's always good 725 00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:38,400 to have a beer with the shearers 726 00:35:38,440 --> 00:35:40,000 to say thank you for all the hard work. 727 00:35:40,079 --> 00:35:42,159 Yeah, but they brought the beer, so I'm now feeling bad. 728 00:35:42,199 --> 00:35:44,559 You didn't tell me about the need 729 00:35:44,599 --> 00:35:47,320 to bring beer to a sheep shearing, 730 00:35:47,360 --> 00:35:49,760 and he didn't tell me that sheep have two holes at the back. 731 00:35:51,840 --> 00:35:53,159 -Well, you know that now, don't you? 732 00:35:53,199 --> 00:35:53,639 -Oh, yeah. 733 00:35:53,679 --> 00:35:54,920 You learned that one. 734 00:35:57,280 --> 00:35:58,679 [Jeremy] With the beer break over, 735 00:35:58,760 --> 00:36:00,639 there was still one job left. 736 00:36:01,119 --> 00:36:03,159 Move the sheep to their new field, 737 00:36:03,159 --> 00:36:05,639 which was on the other side of the farm. 738 00:36:06,760 --> 00:36:09,760 And given that I hadn't been much help all day, 739 00:36:09,840 --> 00:36:11,960 I volunteered to take point 740 00:36:12,000 --> 00:36:15,199 and steer the flock from the front. 741 00:36:15,320 --> 00:36:18,599 -[sheep bleating] -Come on, girls. Come on, girls! 742 00:36:21,639 --> 00:36:23,800 Come on girls, you're going on a road now. 743 00:36:24,400 --> 00:36:26,880 -Welcome to my world, the highways. 744 00:36:26,920 --> 00:36:27,880 -[sheep bleating] 745 00:36:28,679 --> 00:36:32,079 "Baa" to you too. No, no, not there. 746 00:36:32,880 --> 00:36:34,639 [Kevin] Don't let them go by, Jeremy! 747 00:36:34,679 --> 00:36:37,440 No, you've overtaken me. Whoa, slow down! 748 00:36:37,519 --> 00:36:40,159 -[Kevin] You're in front, Jeremy! 749 00:36:40,159 --> 00:36:41,199 -No, no, whoa! 750 00:36:42,960 --> 00:36:44,320 [Kevin] You've got to be in front of them! 751 00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:46,960 That's not gone terribly well. 752 00:36:49,599 --> 00:36:52,440 -[Ellen] Come here! -[Kevin whistles] 753 00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:54,320 Where are you going? 754 00:36:57,559 --> 00:36:58,760 -[Ellen] Lie down! -[Kevin] Come on, girls. 755 00:37:02,639 --> 00:37:05,840 Well, they've just... 756 00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:06,920 Now they're just trampling the crop now. 757 00:37:07,599 --> 00:37:10,159 -[Kevin] Come on, girls. -Well, walk on the margins. 758 00:37:15,199 --> 00:37:17,119 They all think they're Russell Crowe. 759 00:37:18,599 --> 00:37:19,800 [whistles] 760 00:37:22,159 --> 00:37:24,440 -[Jeremy] Come on, girls! -[Kevin] Come on, girls! 761 00:37:26,119 --> 00:37:28,079 [Jeremy] Come to me. This has not gone well. 762 00:37:28,159 --> 00:37:30,519 -[Kevin] Come on, girls. -There's the dog. 763 00:37:30,599 --> 00:37:33,599 The dog contributing slightly to this, mostly me. 764 00:37:34,199 --> 00:37:35,679 Come on, girls! 765 00:37:38,320 --> 00:37:41,199 Don't do that. Don't do that. 766 00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:44,639 No. No. No! 767 00:37:45,039 --> 00:37:47,440 -[Ellen] Wait. Come by. -[Jeremy] Right, watch the dog. 768 00:37:47,519 --> 00:37:49,960 [Ellen] Come by, come by, come by! Come by! 769 00:37:50,039 --> 00:37:51,639 [Jeremy] Come on dog, get them back. 770 00:37:56,440 --> 00:37:59,039 Good dog. There they go. 771 00:38:00,039 --> 00:38:02,119 -[Ellen] Get on. -[Jeremy] Go on labradog. 772 00:38:02,920 --> 00:38:04,079 [Kevin] Come on, girls. 773 00:38:06,000 --> 00:38:08,639 [Jeremy] They're now going in the right direction. 774 00:38:09,760 --> 00:38:12,079 -That's a great sight. -[Ellen] Not a bad view, is it? 775 00:38:12,159 --> 00:38:13,559 -[Jeremy] It's lovely, isn't it? 776 00:38:13,599 --> 00:38:14,840 -[Kevin] That's the beauty of this job. 777 00:38:14,880 --> 00:38:17,400 See something like that and it just makes you smile. 778 00:38:19,440 --> 00:38:21,159 [Jeremy] Eventually after a fraught 779 00:38:21,159 --> 00:38:24,119 but visually stunning journey, 780 00:38:24,159 --> 00:38:26,920 the sheep were at their destination. 781 00:38:36,599 --> 00:38:38,519 This is the very field where I first had 782 00:38:38,559 --> 00:38:39,760 the idea to keep sheep. 783 00:38:39,800 --> 00:38:43,480 I thought they'd be a cheap and easy way 784 00:38:43,519 --> 00:38:45,840 of keeping the grass down ecologically. 785 00:38:48,280 --> 00:38:50,320 But seriously, I could have done this field, 786 00:38:50,400 --> 00:38:54,119 mown it completely in the tractor in an hour, 787 00:38:54,159 --> 00:38:56,440 would have cost me a tenner in diesel. 788 00:38:56,519 --> 00:38:59,840 But no, Jeremy knows best. I shall keep sheep. 789 00:39:00,320 --> 00:39:03,360 [laughs] What was I thinking of? 790 00:39:09,800 --> 00:39:11,280 I quite enjoyed having them though. 791 00:39:15,480 --> 00:39:17,360 So, the newly trimmed sheep 792 00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:19,639 were now equipped to deal with the heat, 793 00:39:20,280 --> 00:39:23,440 which is more than could be said of my new trees. 794 00:39:27,760 --> 00:39:30,800 Even though we were watering them constantly, 795 00:39:30,840 --> 00:39:34,800 they were all shedding their leaves and dying. 796 00:39:37,519 --> 00:39:40,360 And it was the same story everywhere. 797 00:39:45,679 --> 00:39:48,760 I'd be harvesting the crops in six weeks' time. 798 00:39:49,519 --> 00:39:52,280 And the big question was would they all 799 00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:54,639 just be shriveled husks by then? 800 00:40:02,920 --> 00:40:05,639 Give me anything, grow something, make something. 801 00:40:05,679 --> 00:40:07,079 -I am growing things. -Do something. 802 00:40:07,159 --> 00:40:10,519 Now we have to have an enforcement case opened on us. 803 00:40:10,599 --> 00:40:11,639 [car honks] 804 00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:13,039 Are you fucking having me on? 805 00:40:13,119 --> 00:40:15,679 Every single thing you can do in the countryside, 806 00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:16,960 you can't do in London. 807 00:40:18,119 --> 00:40:19,159 Where am I?