1 00:00:05,679 --> 00:00:07,160 [opening theme music playing] 2 00:00:24,199 --> 00:00:27,879 [Jeremy] Although the freakish autumn rainfall had played havoc 3 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:30,120 with my farming plans, 4 00:00:30,199 --> 00:00:32,679 there were days when the sun came out 5 00:00:32,759 --> 00:00:35,640 and Kaleb could get back to tractoring. 6 00:00:39,280 --> 00:00:43,679 And on one of these rare occasions, I decided we needed a treat. 7 00:00:48,479 --> 00:00:51,880 Right. I'm on my way to the local farm shop 8 00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:57,000 to pick up a ploughman's. Well, what I need for a ploughman's. 9 00:01:00,119 --> 00:01:02,280 And here we are. 10 00:01:04,040 --> 00:01:07,000 You have arrived at your destination. 11 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:14,680 Right. 12 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:18,280 Some of those, 13 00:01:19,840 --> 00:01:22,400 ham, pork pie. 14 00:01:24,079 --> 00:01:25,560 Oh, wait, cheese. 15 00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:27,960 Have you got any Norwegian Jarlsberg? 16 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:29,719 -[woman] We don't. -Cheddar? 17 00:01:29,799 --> 00:01:33,159 [woman] We have wonderful cheddar if you'd like a good, strong cheddar. 18 00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:36,280 So this is all really made by Daylesford and sold in the shop? 19 00:01:36,359 --> 00:01:37,520 Yes, that's right. 20 00:01:40,680 --> 00:01:42,120 Nothing to see there. 21 00:01:42,680 --> 00:01:46,799 That's what you need, crusty loaf, butter. 22 00:01:46,879 --> 00:01:50,159 Yeah, one ploughman's in my bag. 23 00:01:53,759 --> 00:01:55,759 -Lovely. Thank you so much. -Thank you. 24 00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:59,960 -How much is that? -That is £83.44, please. 25 00:02:01,319 --> 00:02:02,879 I'll pop those on top. 26 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:06,640 -All right, a bit more than that, then. -[cashier laughs] 27 00:02:06,719 --> 00:02:09,240 83? 30... 28 00:02:10,120 --> 00:02:12,360 40. There's 90. 29 00:02:12,719 --> 00:02:14,280 [cashier] Would you like your receipt? 30 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:16,879 Uh, yeah, because nobody will believe me otherwise. 31 00:02:17,039 --> 00:02:19,079 -[laughs] -Thanks. 32 00:02:20,439 --> 00:02:23,280 [Jeremy] This, however, turned out to be a wise investment, 33 00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:25,280 because on the way home, 34 00:02:26,560 --> 00:02:30,319 a 5-million-watt light bulb went on in my head. 35 00:02:32,039 --> 00:02:35,599 Farm shop? Why would I not do that? 36 00:02:36,159 --> 00:02:38,319 If I put up a little barn somewhere, 37 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,280 fill it with all the produce that comes off the farm... 38 00:02:45,759 --> 00:02:47,439 That's not a bad idea. 39 00:02:51,159 --> 00:02:54,159 In fact, it was a brilliant idea, 40 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:57,840 and I even had a location in mind. 41 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:03,680 Hmm. 42 00:03:05,960 --> 00:03:09,599 This isn't used for farming. It's just waste ground. 43 00:03:10,319 --> 00:03:13,639 There's a road there, gate there, so there's good access. 44 00:03:13,719 --> 00:03:16,680 And best of all, behind these trees, come and have a look. 45 00:03:18,400 --> 00:03:20,360 Through this little gate here, 46 00:03:21,079 --> 00:03:22,360 caravan site. 47 00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:27,079 Endlessly-changing customers, 48 00:03:27,159 --> 00:03:29,920 and they'll never be able to tell the people the following week 49 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:32,319 how bad my shop is, if it is bad. 50 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:34,280 No bad word-of-mouth. 51 00:03:38,079 --> 00:03:40,759 With the location sorted, I called Alan, 52 00:03:40,840 --> 00:03:45,560 who's been my builder for 25 years, to scope out the site. 53 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,639 [Alan] There's the edge. You're going right up by that edge in the arm. 54 00:03:49,759 --> 00:03:52,079 When you're looking down that hill, you want to be in line with it, 55 00:03:52,159 --> 00:03:54,479 so you want to be coming off that corner square out there. 56 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:57,599 [Jeremy] I didn't actually have all the planning permission yet, 57 00:03:57,680 --> 00:04:00,280 but Alan said that despite this, 58 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:05,240 we could get cracking by removing the first few inches of top soil. 59 00:04:05,319 --> 00:04:08,280 We strip the land just so we can see what we got. Finish at that. 60 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:09,439 -So... -Everything's ready. 61 00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:11,560 -I haven't jumped the gun here? -No. 62 00:04:11,639 --> 00:04:13,840 -I've not broken any law? -Absolutely. 63 00:04:14,439 --> 00:04:16,399 [Jeremy] I therefore leapt immediately 64 00:04:16,480 --> 00:04:19,279 into the driving seat of Alan's big digger. 65 00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:23,800 Yeah, look at that. 66 00:04:25,120 --> 00:04:26,360 Here we go. 67 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:29,199 [Alan] Oh, my van. Oh, my God. 68 00:04:30,040 --> 00:04:31,199 Oh, shit. 69 00:04:31,759 --> 00:04:34,600 Nice and smooth. Take the grass off. 70 00:04:37,240 --> 00:04:38,319 Too deep. 71 00:04:40,920 --> 00:04:42,120 Not so deep. 72 00:04:42,199 --> 00:04:45,480 [Jeremy] It turned out my diggering skills were quite poor. 73 00:04:45,879 --> 00:04:48,240 [Alan] Fucking hell. It's like a swimming pool. 74 00:04:48,879 --> 00:04:52,040 [Jeremy] So, after Alan suggested I go and do something else, 75 00:04:53,600 --> 00:04:57,800 I went to check on the small patch of experimental potatoes 76 00:04:57,879 --> 00:05:00,600 I planted on spec a few months earlier. 77 00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:07,120 [Jeremy chuckling] 78 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:10,920 I've grown a thing! 79 00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:14,600 Another one! 80 00:05:14,680 --> 00:05:17,879 There's millions of them. There's, like, five. 81 00:05:18,240 --> 00:05:19,480 Look at that. 82 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:22,639 [exclaims] 83 00:05:23,480 --> 00:05:24,759 And another. 84 00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:28,160 As I was digging away, cheerful Charlie dropped by. 85 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:32,680 Are they good potatoes? I know that's a baking potato, 86 00:05:32,759 --> 00:05:34,560 that's great, and those are new. 87 00:05:34,639 --> 00:05:36,680 -And that's a little salad potato. -They're all the same. 88 00:05:36,759 --> 00:05:40,519 But they're Melody. They're good variety. They'll be... they'll be really good. 89 00:05:40,600 --> 00:05:45,519 The thing is, though, it's taken me the best part of half an hour to do that. 90 00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:49,319 I've got one bucket. So, how many buckets am I going to get from here? 91 00:05:50,480 --> 00:05:55,240 Uh, we should be on between 14, 16 tons an acre. 92 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,199 -We've got about two acres here. -Sorry, you just said 14 tons? 93 00:05:58,279 --> 00:05:59,879 -Yeah. -Are going to come out of here? 94 00:05:59,959 --> 00:06:01,600 -Just two acres? -Just two acres. 95 00:06:02,240 --> 00:06:03,800 That's a lot of chips. 96 00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:07,399 I could put them in the farm shop, 97 00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:10,600 except the farm shop's not built and I haven't got planning permission. 98 00:06:12,879 --> 00:06:18,040 So, how long... If we get the farm shop built in, realistically, six weeks, 99 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:20,240 if planning permission comes through this week... 100 00:06:20,319 --> 00:06:22,839 -[Charlie] Yup. -Would these keep another six weeks? 101 00:06:22,920 --> 00:06:24,199 We can keep these for six weeks. 102 00:06:24,279 --> 00:06:28,639 How can I keep these from becoming useless for six weeks? 103 00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:31,680 So, we've got to top it rather than spraying it off. 104 00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:33,079 What, you mean a lawnmower, effectively? 105 00:06:33,159 --> 00:06:34,439 So, lawnmower. Off we go. 106 00:06:34,519 --> 00:06:36,519 -So, you take the leaves off, -Take the leaves off, 107 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:38,319 -and then they'll just lie dormant? -And they'll lie dormant. 108 00:06:38,399 --> 00:06:39,840 And the skin sort of firms up. 109 00:06:39,920 --> 00:06:41,279 -And that's good? -And that's good. 110 00:06:41,360 --> 00:06:44,639 That... that will enable it to store for longer. 111 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:49,920 [Jeremy] Kaleb then leant me his topping machine, 112 00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:52,759 and after giving me a lesson in how it works... 113 00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:55,959 All right, that's it. So now feet are enabled. Now press it again. 114 00:06:56,600 --> 00:06:57,959 [Jeremy] ...I was on my way. 115 00:07:00,040 --> 00:07:01,199 Yes. 116 00:07:03,279 --> 00:07:06,079 Taking the leaves off my potatoes. 117 00:07:06,160 --> 00:07:10,240 That will deprive the potato of its ability to grow, 118 00:07:10,319 --> 00:07:13,800 and it will just lay dormant in the soil. 119 00:07:14,519 --> 00:07:16,680 -God, it's a good tractor. -[Kaleb] Jeremy, can you hear me? 120 00:07:16,759 --> 00:07:18,360 -It's Kaleb. -[Jeremy] Yeah, got you. 121 00:07:18,439 --> 00:07:19,920 [Kaleb] Might want to drop the topper down. 122 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,800 It might help a little bit. 123 00:07:25,120 --> 00:07:26,160 Rookie error. 124 00:07:27,240 --> 00:07:30,000 Yeah, yeah. I knew that. I'm just going to go back to the start now 125 00:07:30,079 --> 00:07:32,840 and then actually do it with the topper lowered, 126 00:07:32,920 --> 00:07:35,720 because I think that will make a huge difference. 127 00:07:37,959 --> 00:07:41,000 It did, and finally I was in business. 128 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:47,759 He's doing a good job. 129 00:07:49,759 --> 00:07:53,279 [Jeremy] Then, with the potatoes sleeping soundly in the ground, 130 00:07:54,279 --> 00:07:58,040 I was free to concentrate on other produce for the farm shop. 131 00:08:01,199 --> 00:08:04,120 I've been doing some research, and it turns out that Chadlington, 132 00:08:04,199 --> 00:08:08,199 the local village, is named after St. Chad, who is the patron saint 133 00:08:08,279 --> 00:08:09,879 of wells and springs. 134 00:08:10,519 --> 00:08:13,800 What's more, the entire village got its drinking water 135 00:08:13,879 --> 00:08:16,279 from springs on this farm. 136 00:08:16,360 --> 00:08:19,759 But then, one night in 1972, 137 00:08:19,839 --> 00:08:23,680 the water board switched everybody over to mains water. 138 00:08:24,439 --> 00:08:26,920 And they were livid. They were furious. 139 00:08:27,000 --> 00:08:29,480 Questions were asked in the Houses of Parliament. 140 00:08:30,519 --> 00:08:34,399 The local television station sent a reporter to Chadlington 141 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:37,759 to cover the story. I've got a clip of that here. 142 00:08:39,440 --> 00:08:42,480 An interesting lesson in democracy here at Chadlington. 143 00:08:42,519 --> 00:08:45,639 That is Chris Tarrant. It's actually Chris Tarrant. 144 00:08:45,720 --> 00:08:46,840 That's where he began. 145 00:08:46,879 --> 00:08:49,440 In the end, it seems the authorities can pipe what they like 146 00:08:49,519 --> 00:08:50,759 through to the village's taps, 147 00:08:50,879 --> 00:08:53,320 but short of forcibly pouring it down their throats, 148 00:08:53,399 --> 00:08:54,600 they can't make them drink it. 149 00:08:54,720 --> 00:08:57,080 Mrs. Kerr, you've been drinking this spring water a long time. 150 00:08:57,159 --> 00:08:58,279 What's so special about it? 151 00:08:59,320 --> 00:09:02,279 Well, because it's pure. Don't want that other filth. 152 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,000 [Chris] What is it you don't like about tap water? 153 00:09:04,519 --> 00:09:05,480 Well, it's horrible. 154 00:09:05,519 --> 00:09:08,039 Well, we had a tank of tropical fish, 155 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:10,279 but now it's been changed over, and they've all died. 156 00:09:10,360 --> 00:09:15,720 It's mixed with sewage from Temple Guiting and Bourton-on-the-Water. 157 00:09:15,759 --> 00:09:18,080 All the sewage is going to come into it. 158 00:09:18,159 --> 00:09:20,519 All the locals want to drink is this stuff. 159 00:09:23,080 --> 00:09:25,519 They've been doing so for centuries, and it's beautiful. 160 00:09:25,840 --> 00:09:28,639 So he beat me to the Chadlington water story, 161 00:09:29,279 --> 00:09:32,039 and then he beat me to Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? 162 00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:33,720 I just live in the man's shadow. 163 00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:37,519 But now I would have the last laugh, 164 00:09:37,639 --> 00:09:41,519 because I would bring back Chadlington's spring water. 165 00:09:41,639 --> 00:09:44,759 I just want to see this spring, because I've never really paid attention 166 00:09:44,879 --> 00:09:46,000 to the springs before. 167 00:09:46,440 --> 00:09:50,519 Job one for Lisa and I was to gather some samples for testing. 168 00:09:53,200 --> 00:09:55,519 Are you grabbing it from straight where it comes out the ground? 169 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:56,960 [Lisa] Yes. 170 00:09:58,200 --> 00:09:59,840 This is exactly what Perrier do. 171 00:09:59,879 --> 00:10:01,600 [Lisa] You know, that's actually delicious. 172 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:08,039 [Jeremy] Look how quickly you can fill a bottle up from here. 173 00:10:08,519 --> 00:10:13,879 See, what I'm thinking is, this would be like B&Q with an old-people hiring policy. 174 00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:16,639 Get a load of pensioners at the bottom of the waterfall 175 00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:18,480 with bottles, filling them up. 176 00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:22,720 It'd be fantastic, gainful employment for the elderly. 177 00:10:23,399 --> 00:10:26,399 This is the kind of thing you get the CBE for. 178 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:34,240 Having sent the samples off to the lab, I had another brainwave. 179 00:10:35,519 --> 00:10:39,759 What I have here is a wasabi plant 180 00:10:41,039 --> 00:10:43,240 known as green gold, 181 00:10:43,320 --> 00:10:48,039 because this, in the shops, would cost you £52, 182 00:10:48,120 --> 00:10:52,159 and that's the same as half a ton of carrots. 183 00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:58,960 So, to get at the actual edible bit we have to peel the bark. 184 00:11:00,679 --> 00:11:05,840 Most of the green, hot wasabi paste you get in Japanese restaurants 185 00:11:05,919 --> 00:11:09,159 is actually mustard and horseradish 186 00:11:09,240 --> 00:11:13,039 sort of mixed up with artificial sweeteners and coloring. 187 00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:15,120 This is the real deal. 188 00:11:17,799 --> 00:11:21,039 If I can grow this here, 189 00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:25,720 I'm going to be looking at G5 catalogues in no time at all. 190 00:11:37,960 --> 00:11:40,799 Mmm... Mmm... 191 00:11:49,799 --> 00:11:51,720 That is fantastic. 192 00:11:53,759 --> 00:11:56,120 Oh, it's here, now. It's here. It's... it's here. 193 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,639 Wasabi is not easy to grow, though. 194 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:06,480 It needs a supply of fast-flowing water that's exactly the right temperature 195 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:09,320 and has exactly the right PH level. 196 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:12,919 And once I'd found a stream that fitted the bill, 197 00:12:13,000 --> 00:12:17,519 I had to build a bed, which meant I needed a machine. 198 00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:20,759 [machine whirring] 199 00:12:26,320 --> 00:12:28,480 Single-cylinder engine, 200 00:12:28,559 --> 00:12:33,000 0.16 liters, top speed: three. 201 00:12:33,679 --> 00:12:36,000 I'm going to call it the James May. 202 00:12:42,600 --> 00:12:43,759 [grunts] 203 00:12:53,759 --> 00:12:57,679 I've now planted about 100 wasabi plants. 204 00:12:58,759 --> 00:13:00,919 If they all survive, that's... 205 00:13:01,879 --> 00:13:03,879 well, £5,000 for the roots 206 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:07,120 and then another £1,000 for the leaves, probably. 207 00:13:07,639 --> 00:13:09,840 And that is more than you'll get from, 208 00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:11,879 well, hundreds of acres of wheat. 209 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:15,320 This is where the money is. 210 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:21,840 I then broke off from farm shop jobs, 211 00:13:21,919 --> 00:13:25,200 because Charlie had been badgering me about my farm equipment 212 00:13:25,279 --> 00:13:27,559 being left out in the open. 213 00:13:27,639 --> 00:13:32,120 So, I took some anti-theft measures with my newly-appointed head of security, 214 00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:35,120 Gerald, the dry-stone waller. 215 00:13:37,039 --> 00:13:38,360 I told you I could carry it. 216 00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:40,879 [chuckles] You wait. You ain't got a lot there yet. 217 00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,960 There's ten tons to come. 218 00:13:43,519 --> 00:13:47,519 -Jesus Christ. [laughs] -[Gerald laughs] 219 00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:49,120 Come on, you bastard. 220 00:13:49,559 --> 00:13:53,600 No, no. [mutters indistinctly] 221 00:13:54,559 --> 00:13:57,000 Yeah, five o'clock normally, on a Friday. 222 00:13:57,360 --> 00:13:58,200 [Jeremy] Right. 223 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,120 -That will do. -It's gonna come up to... 224 00:14:04,039 --> 00:14:08,519 The thing is... but I did them by the loader, that was all. 225 00:14:08,879 --> 00:14:10,440 Well, supposedly. 226 00:14:11,120 --> 00:14:13,679 If we go into that one, spreader next then... 227 00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:14,759 [Jeremy] Oh, yeah. 228 00:14:16,960 --> 00:14:17,799 Right. 229 00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,720 -Listen, 20 to 6:00. -All right. 230 00:14:21,799 --> 00:14:24,039 Before they send a search party out from The Chequers, 231 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:25,879 you should get down there. 232 00:14:26,320 --> 00:14:28,120 Um, lovely to see you again, thanks for your help. 233 00:14:28,200 --> 00:14:30,600 All right, mate. I should be... 234 00:14:30,799 --> 00:14:34,639 Hopefully, in about a week's time, because I've got to do some... 235 00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:37,240 Well, it probably won't get on the program? 236 00:14:38,039 --> 00:14:40,440 -Yeah. -Yeah. That's right. All right. 237 00:14:43,000 --> 00:14:45,600 [Jeremy] So, my equipment was now secure. 238 00:14:45,679 --> 00:14:48,200 I would soon have stuff to sell in the shop, 239 00:14:48,279 --> 00:14:50,799 and planning permission was due any day. 240 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,960 All was going well, until, that is... 241 00:14:56,159 --> 00:14:57,000 What? 242 00:14:57,080 --> 00:15:00,159 I got some bad news from the council. 243 00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:05,480 The village has objected to my, uh, farm shop plan. 244 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:09,159 "For the following reasons..." 245 00:15:09,759 --> 00:15:13,840 The complaints are simply about the risk of changing the village, 246 00:15:13,919 --> 00:15:15,919 the risk of damaging the village shops. 247 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,519 It's a little, old-fashioned village. 248 00:15:18,679 --> 00:15:23,360 People generally are not that keen. 249 00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:27,519 People are a bit bemused with the situation, 250 00:15:27,600 --> 00:15:30,159 and we never know what Jeremy's going to do next. 251 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,159 I mean, he blew up his house. 252 00:15:36,840 --> 00:15:40,840 Dogs barked, and people thought the end of the world had come. 253 00:15:41,399 --> 00:15:43,759 [Jeremy] Charlie quickly emailed to explain how I should 254 00:15:43,840 --> 00:15:45,679 deal with the objections. 255 00:15:45,759 --> 00:15:48,480 Whilst it does not read well on first inspection, 256 00:15:48,559 --> 00:15:53,279 I've addressed the concerns already through the submission of a business plan. 257 00:15:56,240 --> 00:16:01,240 "What is a business plan?" Business plan examples, right. 258 00:16:02,039 --> 00:16:04,200 "Customers' priorities and needs. 259 00:16:04,279 --> 00:16:07,039 Routes to market. Product services and propositions. 260 00:16:07,120 --> 00:16:08,799 Sales, values, and margins. 261 00:16:08,879 --> 00:16:12,240 A strategic action plan..." Well, I'm gonna be a week. 262 00:16:13,279 --> 00:16:16,879 Having typed in every phrase I'd ever heard on The Apprentice, 263 00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:21,480 I submitted a business plan, and amazingly, it worked, 264 00:16:21,840 --> 00:16:26,000 because shortly afterwards, planning permission was granted. 265 00:16:29,960 --> 00:16:32,840 [Alan] Just tip that out there, Brad. Get that lot. Everything down the bottom. 266 00:16:32,919 --> 00:16:36,240 [Jeremy] This meant Alan could finally start building. 267 00:16:36,799 --> 00:16:38,639 [Alan] Just tip that up there, just tip it. 268 00:16:38,759 --> 00:16:41,159 And I'll get the digger to move it. Get the barrels out the way, now. 269 00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:43,960 [Jeremy] But he was now a week behind schedule, 270 00:16:44,320 --> 00:16:47,279 which was a week the potatoes didn't have. 271 00:16:47,559 --> 00:16:51,879 And then to make matters worse, an old enemy returned. 272 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,879 [thunder rumbling] 273 00:17:09,319 --> 00:17:11,279 [Jeremy] Holy cow. 274 00:17:19,279 --> 00:17:22,400 How can you build anything in these conditions? 275 00:17:23,200 --> 00:17:26,279 -Have you ever known it wetter here? -No, never. 276 00:17:26,319 --> 00:17:28,519 We're all going to end up with trench foot before the end of the week. 277 00:17:28,559 --> 00:17:32,039 No, the problem I've got is I've got tons of potatoes, 278 00:17:32,079 --> 00:17:36,319 but they're not going to last forever. So, how long? 279 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:38,519 "How long?" 280 00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:41,920 [Alan] If the weather breaks, maybe eight weeks. 281 00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:42,920 [Jeremy] No, no. It can't be. 282 00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,519 The rain fell nonstop for days. 283 00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,680 And when it finally eased up, 284 00:17:53,759 --> 00:17:56,960 this is what the shop's foundations looked like. 285 00:18:03,319 --> 00:18:06,480 It's three weeks ago I dug the footings out for the shop. 286 00:18:10,799 --> 00:18:13,039 And that... that's what's happened. 287 00:18:14,559 --> 00:18:17,079 I'm surprised the Environment Agency isn't here saying I've got 288 00:18:17,160 --> 00:18:20,160 an illegal trout lake. Planning permission's through, 289 00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:23,559 and we get the heaviest rainfall recorded since 290 00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,480 the last heaviest rainfall. 291 00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:29,920 [sighs] 292 00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:32,240 Does anything go right in farming? 293 00:18:32,920 --> 00:18:35,400 With the build schedule now in tatters, 294 00:18:35,480 --> 00:18:39,079 the priority was to preserve the life of the potatoes. 295 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:43,319 They'd have to be dug up and stored, which meant I'd need a machine. 296 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,559 And in this part of the world, where no one grows spuds, 297 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:48,640 finding one proved to be tricky. 298 00:18:50,799 --> 00:18:54,519 But much to Kaleb's delight, I managed it. 299 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,480 [Kaleb] It's like a rust bucket. 300 00:19:03,079 --> 00:19:03,920 I mean, 301 00:19:05,319 --> 00:19:06,680 bloody hell. 302 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:10,240 [sighs] Tire's old and flat. 303 00:19:10,319 --> 00:19:13,000 These need unseizing. I'm going to have to heat these up. 304 00:19:13,079 --> 00:19:15,680 That needs re-greasing. Look, that's old grease, that. 305 00:19:16,039 --> 00:19:19,279 All green and manky. This thing is a piece of crap. 306 00:19:21,559 --> 00:19:24,960 [Jeremy] Eventually, though, he stopped moaning and got it working. 307 00:19:30,039 --> 00:19:35,799 And with some local kids helping out, the slow, backbreaking work began. 308 00:19:40,880 --> 00:19:44,240 Well, we've done from the top of the field down to here, 309 00:19:44,319 --> 00:19:46,519 in what, probably four hours? 310 00:19:46,559 --> 00:19:48,799 And we've got all that to do. 311 00:19:53,920 --> 00:19:56,160 [Jeremy] And we needed to get a move on. 312 00:19:56,799 --> 00:19:59,240 [Kaleb] One there, look. This one's gone black. 313 00:20:00,079 --> 00:20:02,720 Yeah, that one's gone black and a bit squidgy. 314 00:20:02,799 --> 00:20:06,920 [Jeremy] In the end, though, the workers saved 16 tons of potatoes, 315 00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:10,480 and apart from a few, which my head of security needed, 316 00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:15,319 we got them all into a cool, dark storage barn. 317 00:20:24,000 --> 00:20:27,000 This bought me some time to start work on my next 318 00:20:27,079 --> 00:20:28,680 farm shop enterprise... 319 00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,319 [Kaleb] How many chickens are you going to get? 320 00:20:30,440 --> 00:20:31,519 [Jeremy] Sixty. 321 00:20:31,720 --> 00:20:32,799 Eggs. 322 00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:36,000 So, we're going to call them not free range chickens. 323 00:20:36,319 --> 00:20:38,880 We're going to call them good exercise chickens. 324 00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:41,000 -[Kaleb laughs] -That's what they call them in Vietnam. 325 00:20:41,559 --> 00:20:43,160 [Jeremy] And it's better, I think, than free range. 326 00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:44,079 [Kaleb] Yeah, I like that. 327 00:20:45,759 --> 00:20:48,799 My plan is to build a range of little chicken huts 328 00:20:48,920 --> 00:20:51,480 along this side of the wood. 329 00:20:51,559 --> 00:20:53,720 So, actually starting about here, yeah? 330 00:20:54,039 --> 00:20:54,880 [Kaleb] Yeah. 331 00:20:55,039 --> 00:20:57,480 So, you can get the eggs from this side, 332 00:20:57,559 --> 00:21:00,720 but the chickens can exit on that side to run around in the wood. 333 00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:02,400 But we've got to refence this. 334 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:04,400 We've got to put chicken wire around the outside. 335 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:05,960 How could a fox get in there? 336 00:21:06,039 --> 00:21:07,079 [Kaleb] Oh, like a fox. 337 00:21:07,559 --> 00:21:11,319 Guarantee a fox will get in there in the best part of 20 minutes. 338 00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:13,079 And how high is the fence going to have to be? 339 00:21:13,200 --> 00:21:14,240 Six foot, like this. 340 00:21:16,079 --> 00:21:20,079 [Jeremy] And so, the next day, we reconvened to build the fence. 341 00:21:20,319 --> 00:21:22,559 Hold it on the bottom of the post. Square it up. 342 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,079 [Jeremy] Using a machine Kaleb called... 343 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:26,680 [clanks] 344 00:21:26,759 --> 00:21:28,079 ...his man killer. 345 00:21:29,079 --> 00:21:30,319 And away we go. 346 00:21:40,799 --> 00:21:41,680 Your go. 347 00:21:46,799 --> 00:21:47,640 Higher. 348 00:21:49,759 --> 00:21:52,079 I don't know if that's actually... that's not actually moving. 349 00:21:52,519 --> 00:21:55,000 Give me a break. [grunts] 350 00:21:58,240 --> 00:22:00,759 It's that last little lip. There it is there. 351 00:22:00,839 --> 00:22:02,160 The burn. 352 00:22:04,039 --> 00:22:05,160 [exhales] 353 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,839 Well done. All right, next one. 354 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,599 Do you want to bring that? I'll bring this. 355 00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:09,519 [breathing heavily] 356 00:22:09,599 --> 00:22:12,119 Oh, we need another post. We've got to get some more posts. 357 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,640 I'll meet you down there. 358 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:16,720 Grab two if you can. 359 00:22:21,079 --> 00:22:25,799 [Jeremy] And so, the day continued under the lash of the rural Ant Middleton. 360 00:22:26,559 --> 00:22:29,200 [Kaleb] Higher, higher. That's it, now. Three, 361 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,039 four, five. 362 00:22:32,119 --> 00:22:34,160 Two more. Come on, two more. 363 00:22:34,480 --> 00:22:36,559 What's this shouting at me this morning? Hold that. 364 00:22:37,359 --> 00:22:39,720 [Kaleb] Right, you get the ladder and the bar, I'll get this 365 00:22:39,799 --> 00:22:41,000 and meet you at the next one. 366 00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,240 [breathing heavily] 367 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:51,480 -[Kaleb] Ready? -We're not even halfway there, are we? 368 00:22:52,400 --> 00:22:53,599 No. 369 00:22:55,880 --> 00:22:58,640 [Jeremy] Eventually, though, Jurassic Park was finished. 370 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:03,119 And then, it was time to install the henhouses that Lisa had ordered. 371 00:23:05,920 --> 00:23:08,119 -[Lisa] It's good, right? -Well, they'd blend if 372 00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:11,160 we were in Camber Sands, or Tobermory. 373 00:23:11,279 --> 00:23:14,880 -Well, it was this or pebbledash. -And I've got the birds. 374 00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:18,319 -Hey. -[Jeremy] 60 purebred Burford Browns. 375 00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,000 [Lisa] Okay, so let's work this out. 376 00:23:20,079 --> 00:23:23,559 So, we can put 20 in there, 12. That's 20. 377 00:23:24,319 --> 00:23:25,759 Thirty, 40, 50, 378 00:23:26,559 --> 00:23:28,559 three, eight. Seven at the end. 379 00:23:29,559 --> 00:23:31,799 -I literally wasn't listening. -[Lisa] Okay, I got it. 380 00:23:33,359 --> 00:23:36,119 [Jeremy] Clearly, though, the hens weren't thrilled at the prospect 381 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,279 of living in LEGOLAND. 382 00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:41,720 -These are frisky. Sorry. -Oh. 383 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:47,519 [Lisa] Jeremy, seriously, you're not going to do this without food. 384 00:23:47,599 --> 00:23:48,559 [Jeremy] Yes, we are. 385 00:23:48,759 --> 00:23:50,279 -[Lisa] How? -[Jeremy] Because watch this. 386 00:23:50,359 --> 00:23:52,400 I am a bird whisperer. 387 00:23:53,440 --> 00:23:56,559 Oh, you're pecky, bitey. 388 00:23:56,799 --> 00:23:58,720 No, this is how you do it, okay? 389 00:23:59,480 --> 00:24:02,519 This is an important lesson. Pretend you're not interested. 390 00:24:02,680 --> 00:24:05,160 Casually coming along, looking the other way. 391 00:24:05,359 --> 00:24:08,440 And then, at the last minute, you dive... 392 00:24:08,519 --> 00:24:09,880 Fucking thing. 393 00:24:11,440 --> 00:24:14,920 Eventually, though, all the hens were safely installed 394 00:24:15,000 --> 00:24:16,559 in their new houses. 395 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:19,039 And Lisa had a little surprise for me. 396 00:24:19,920 --> 00:24:21,640 Close your eyes and hold out your hand. 397 00:24:25,119 --> 00:24:26,559 -[Jeremy] An egg? -The first egg, yeah. 398 00:24:26,640 --> 00:24:27,720 They laid it in the crate. 399 00:24:28,559 --> 00:24:30,640 -A egg. Egg. -Yeah. 400 00:24:31,599 --> 00:24:34,559 Does a chicken lay eggs out of its arse... 401 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,839 -[Lisa] Mm-hmm. -...or its vagina? 402 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:38,759 Did you go to boarding school by any chance? 403 00:24:39,359 --> 00:24:43,240 If I google that, Jeff Bezos is going to worry about me. 404 00:24:43,319 --> 00:24:44,400 [Lisa] He is. [laughs] 405 00:24:44,799 --> 00:24:47,920 [Jeremy] So, full scale egg production was imminent. 406 00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:51,720 And, hopefully, so was the bottled spring water. 407 00:24:52,759 --> 00:24:57,720 Because back at the office, an important letter had arrived. 408 00:25:01,240 --> 00:25:02,599 Okay, these are the, um... 409 00:25:04,599 --> 00:25:08,160 results from all the springs on the farm. 410 00:25:08,880 --> 00:25:12,680 Had the water tested to see what's what, how much of them are drinkable. 411 00:25:14,039 --> 00:25:19,160 Right. It's something, E. coli basically. 412 00:25:19,680 --> 00:25:22,559 "Type of bacteria found in the gut of animals and humans. 413 00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:26,519 Some strains can cause diarrhea, food poisoning." Blah-blah. "Pneumonia." 414 00:25:26,599 --> 00:25:30,680 So, I've got, in spring one, no E. coli. 415 00:25:31,599 --> 00:25:34,279 And no E. coli in spring two. 416 00:25:34,359 --> 00:25:37,440 Right, the essence of what I've got here is the springs, 417 00:25:38,799 --> 00:25:43,960 the springs one and two, which I want to bottle, are good. 418 00:25:44,799 --> 00:25:48,279 However, there was also some rather disturbing news. 419 00:25:49,319 --> 00:25:50,680 Wait a minute. 420 00:25:50,759 --> 00:25:52,279 "A positive coliform sample 421 00:25:52,359 --> 00:25:56,839 should be considered an indication of feces in your source." 422 00:25:58,039 --> 00:26:01,759 The pond that feeds the house where I live 423 00:26:03,279 --> 00:26:09,000 is riddled with literally everything in such vast quantities that... 424 00:26:10,039 --> 00:26:13,000 Well, it explains why I am so full of shit. 425 00:26:13,079 --> 00:26:16,039 'Cause that's what I've been living on these last few years. 426 00:26:18,039 --> 00:26:20,519 It's just a torrent of turds. 427 00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:25,759 Worried now that I wouldn't live long enough 428 00:26:25,839 --> 00:26:27,960 to actually open the farm shop, 429 00:26:28,039 --> 00:26:31,240 I went to the water filtration room at my house. 430 00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:37,039 Oh, hang on. Oh, it's quite muddy. 431 00:26:37,599 --> 00:26:39,160 Oh, my God, that's... 432 00:26:40,680 --> 00:26:43,440 I'll show you what it's supposed to look like. Hang on. 433 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:46,920 Right, 434 00:26:47,799 --> 00:26:52,160 that's what it looked like... three months ago. 435 00:26:52,920 --> 00:26:55,079 And that's what it looks like now. 436 00:26:56,039 --> 00:26:57,640 I've been drinking this. 437 00:26:58,759 --> 00:27:02,799 I've been drinking rotting animals and feces. 438 00:27:04,240 --> 00:27:07,960 Luckily, Lisa is in London today. I won't tell her that... 439 00:27:09,599 --> 00:27:11,640 I won't tell her that this has happened. 440 00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:15,200 That seems to be the best thing. I'll just say no, everything's fine. 441 00:27:21,119 --> 00:27:22,799 There was more bad news, 442 00:27:22,880 --> 00:27:25,400 because even though they were in storage... 443 00:27:28,359 --> 00:27:31,920 time was starting to run out for my potatoes. 444 00:27:33,039 --> 00:27:37,200 [Charlie] If we dig around, there's quite a lot of rotten ones in here 445 00:27:37,279 --> 00:27:41,640 that, uh, we need to sort. 446 00:27:42,000 --> 00:27:46,000 Yeah, we've got these ones which... 447 00:27:46,079 --> 00:27:52,039 sorry for those that are squeamish, sort of have gone all pussy and horrible. 448 00:27:55,119 --> 00:27:58,079 [Jeremy] I needed to start selling them immediately. 449 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:00,799 But the farm shop was nowhere near ready. 450 00:28:02,799 --> 00:28:07,319 So, in these desperate times, I came up with a desperate measure. 451 00:28:15,440 --> 00:28:16,680 Morning. 452 00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:26,160 It's 15p, then, for one of those, or 15p for that. 453 00:28:27,759 --> 00:28:29,960 That's the only drawback to my plan. 454 00:28:32,119 --> 00:28:35,079 So, potatoes are there, bags are there. 455 00:28:36,480 --> 00:28:37,519 Good. 456 00:28:45,400 --> 00:28:49,160 As it turned out, the honesty box attracted people who were honest. 457 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:51,680 Mostly. 458 00:28:53,400 --> 00:28:56,640 Somebody has left me this bottle top. 459 00:28:58,119 --> 00:29:00,000 Because they are [bleep]. 460 00:29:01,079 --> 00:29:06,480 But some people have left actual money. 461 00:29:06,880 --> 00:29:08,319 So, I have earned... 462 00:29:09,839 --> 00:29:15,400 two, three, four, £5.35. 463 00:29:17,759 --> 00:29:19,079 What are they? Jacket ones? 464 00:29:19,160 --> 00:29:20,799 Look, look, look, look. 465 00:29:23,079 --> 00:29:25,960 So, you've got big ones, or smaller ones. 466 00:29:26,039 --> 00:29:29,039 -I'll take the big ones. I'll jacket them. -How many do you want? 467 00:29:29,920 --> 00:29:31,599 -Seven. -Seven? 468 00:29:32,640 --> 00:29:34,599 Brilliant. Look at this. 469 00:29:35,720 --> 00:29:37,839 Oh, I'm just so rich. 470 00:29:39,400 --> 00:29:43,119 However, I wasn't going to shift 16 tons of potatoes 471 00:29:43,200 --> 00:29:44,759 from a filing cabinet. 472 00:29:45,319 --> 00:29:47,680 What I really needed was a finished shop. 473 00:29:48,400 --> 00:29:49,880 And on that front... 474 00:29:52,559 --> 00:29:56,759 there was good news because, finally, it was starting to take shape. 475 00:29:59,920 --> 00:30:01,880 [Alan] Look, that's this morning. 476 00:30:01,960 --> 00:30:03,319 [Jeremy] Is that this morning? 477 00:30:03,400 --> 00:30:05,160 Yeah, I looked round the other side yesterday in the rain. 478 00:30:05,240 --> 00:30:07,160 Come and have a look what we done yesterday. 479 00:30:07,240 --> 00:30:09,200 -Oh, fair weather Alan here. -Yeah. 480 00:30:09,279 --> 00:30:10,759 [both laugh] 481 00:30:11,400 --> 00:30:13,359 That's all right, innit? Those jumpers and that. 482 00:30:13,440 --> 00:30:15,640 -Good. I like the jumpers. -[Alan] Yeah, they're good. 483 00:30:15,720 --> 00:30:17,759 Nice big jumper. We got a nice few of those. 484 00:30:17,839 --> 00:30:20,000 It just makes it look more like that barn down there. 485 00:30:20,079 --> 00:30:22,200 -[Jeremy] That's exactly right. -[Alan] Yeah. 486 00:30:22,720 --> 00:30:24,839 Now, I've got to go do the sheep. I really have. 487 00:30:24,920 --> 00:30:28,480 And I do think I'm slowing you down, which I don't want to do. 488 00:30:28,559 --> 00:30:31,480 -Bring a few taters back. -I will. I'll bring you some potatoes. 489 00:30:31,559 --> 00:30:34,200 -I'll put a few in for you. -I'll bring you some potatoes. 490 00:30:34,279 --> 00:30:35,640 [laughs] Please do. 491 00:30:38,119 --> 00:30:40,480 [Jeremy] As I was leaving, Alan suddenly remembered 492 00:30:40,559 --> 00:30:42,079 something else he needed. 493 00:30:42,160 --> 00:30:43,839 [Alan] One thing before you go, 494 00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:46,799 we've gotta get water and electric from the caravan site. 495 00:30:46,880 --> 00:30:48,240 So we need to talk to them. 496 00:30:48,319 --> 00:30:50,839 It's owned by the Camping and Caravan Club, though. 497 00:30:50,920 --> 00:30:52,920 -Is it? Right. -I get on really well with them, 498 00:30:53,000 --> 00:30:55,039 'cause I've always been incredibly nice about caravans. 499 00:30:55,119 --> 00:30:58,160 -Yeah, brilliant. -I have always said really kind things. 500 00:30:58,240 --> 00:31:00,920 I've seen them with the sticks of dynamite in them and things. 501 00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:03,720 Hey, yeah, we need to get hold of them, really, don't we? 502 00:31:03,799 --> 00:31:05,279 I'll get on with that. 503 00:31:05,359 --> 00:31:07,839 [Jeremy] As it turned out, the Camping and Caravan Club 504 00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:10,440 were happy to supply me with their power and water, 505 00:31:10,519 --> 00:31:14,160 so long as I gave them something in return. So... 506 00:31:21,079 --> 00:31:23,119 Hi, I'm Jeremy Clarkson 507 00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:27,559 and, as I've always said, you can't beat a caravan holiday. 508 00:31:28,519 --> 00:31:32,039 A site like this offers Camping and Caravan Club members 509 00:31:32,119 --> 00:31:36,960 access to the great outdoors for as little as £41 a year. 510 00:31:39,119 --> 00:31:40,599 I think it's brightening up. 511 00:31:42,400 --> 00:31:45,960 And it's a great place to enjoy some al fresco dining, 512 00:31:46,039 --> 00:31:49,839 or maybe a bit of sport, with people from all walks of life. 513 00:31:51,240 --> 00:31:54,160 So, come on, beat those Brexit blues 514 00:31:54,240 --> 00:31:57,359 and take your holiday this year in a good old British field. 515 00:31:57,440 --> 00:31:59,440 You won't regret it. Cheers. 516 00:32:08,799 --> 00:32:11,519 [Jeremy] With the power and water now being connected, 517 00:32:11,599 --> 00:32:15,440 everything was looking good. But then... 518 00:32:18,039 --> 00:32:19,839 Well, it's not great. 519 00:32:19,920 --> 00:32:23,960 Um, the site for the farm shop that we're looking at, 520 00:32:24,039 --> 00:32:25,759 I've just been checking the title, 521 00:32:25,839 --> 00:32:28,880 and there's a restrictive covenant in there, 522 00:32:28,960 --> 00:32:31,920 which puts a restriction on your use. 523 00:32:32,000 --> 00:32:33,279 And what? 524 00:32:33,799 --> 00:32:37,640 Right. I've got a map. So, the farm shop is coming up here. 525 00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:43,119 Yeah. Is that the boundary of my land? 526 00:32:43,200 --> 00:32:44,440 Yeah. 527 00:32:46,599 --> 00:32:49,400 And there is a little corner of that field... 528 00:32:49,480 --> 00:32:50,519 That's not my gate. 529 00:32:54,319 --> 00:32:56,240 [Charlie] We have a right of access, 530 00:32:56,319 --> 00:33:00,000 and we have a right of use of that whole corner of the field. 531 00:33:00,079 --> 00:33:02,440 But it's restricted to agricultural use only. 532 00:33:02,519 --> 00:33:05,880 -So, we can build the farm shop... -But no customers can get to it. 533 00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:07,799 ...but no customers could get to it. 534 00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:09,359 [sighs] 535 00:33:11,279 --> 00:33:12,519 -It's tiny. -Yeah, it is. 536 00:33:12,599 --> 00:33:14,079 Ten feet. It's just the gate. 537 00:33:14,160 --> 00:33:16,759 It's literally the gate and a corner of the field. 538 00:33:16,839 --> 00:33:19,799 Um, probably, as you say, about 100 square feet. 539 00:33:19,880 --> 00:33:21,640 Oh, for God's sake. 540 00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:28,480 I therefore had to go and find the people in the village who owned the gate, 541 00:33:28,559 --> 00:33:29,960 hoping they weren't those 542 00:33:30,039 --> 00:33:33,119 who'd objected to the shop being built in the first place. 543 00:33:35,319 --> 00:33:38,200 And guess what... they weren't! 544 00:33:39,759 --> 00:33:42,640 They gave me permission for customers to come to the shop, 545 00:33:42,720 --> 00:33:44,119 so work could resume. 546 00:33:47,359 --> 00:33:49,279 All right, so just tip that out there, Brad. 547 00:33:49,359 --> 00:33:50,839 Get the barrels out the way now. 548 00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:53,200 [Jeremy] Until eventually, 549 00:33:53,279 --> 00:33:56,839 four weeks later than planned, the building was complete. 550 00:33:59,400 --> 00:34:03,200 It's like Fortnum & Mason's, in my mind. 551 00:34:04,119 --> 00:34:06,559 -It's what? -Don't say you don't know what that is. 552 00:34:06,640 --> 00:34:09,440 -Not a clue. -It's a big shop in Piccadilly in London. 553 00:34:09,519 --> 00:34:12,559 -You've done that fucking deliberate. -Harrods. It's like Harrods. 554 00:34:12,639 --> 00:34:15,000 -All right, we know what Harrods is. -It's like Harrods. 555 00:34:15,079 --> 00:34:17,639 We'll get this shit moved. We'll get this leveled back down, 556 00:34:17,679 --> 00:34:20,960 and it will all be ready to go. What about a toilet then? 557 00:34:21,360 --> 00:34:24,760 Well, we've got to get something. You know, old people come. 558 00:34:25,760 --> 00:34:28,039 All right, I'm gonna go and find something to sell. 559 00:34:28,119 --> 00:34:29,960 It's just never gonna stop raining, is it? 560 00:34:30,039 --> 00:34:32,320 Stop raining? It hasn't stopped for eight weeks. 561 00:34:32,400 --> 00:34:35,199 Let me tell you something, this is global warming. 562 00:34:35,320 --> 00:34:38,480 You racing about all your life in vehicles. 563 00:34:38,559 --> 00:34:40,519 I'm sorry. What car is that over there? 564 00:34:40,599 --> 00:34:42,599 No, mine is electric, that van. 565 00:34:42,639 --> 00:34:46,760 Thirty years of you bouting about in them, and other people, 566 00:34:46,840 --> 00:34:49,639 ruined our fucking world for the next generation. 567 00:34:50,639 --> 00:34:54,159 Just unbelievable horseshit. Oh, God! 568 00:34:54,760 --> 00:34:56,320 [Alan] Right, let's get on with this. 569 00:34:56,400 --> 00:34:57,880 Get all them pipes out. 570 00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:00,159 Shut that door up, Jason, it'll get damaged. 571 00:35:00,199 --> 00:35:05,079 [Jeremy] In truth, there was a lot to do before the bare barn was an actual shop. 572 00:35:05,159 --> 00:35:07,400 [Alan] Luke, I want all this rubbish out of here. 573 00:35:08,639 --> 00:35:13,000 [Jeremy] But as each hour passed, the potatoes were rotting. 574 00:35:13,079 --> 00:35:16,119 The pheasants were eating my wasabi. 575 00:35:16,159 --> 00:35:19,280 The fox was circling the henhouses. 576 00:35:19,360 --> 00:35:21,880 And the hunt I brought in to deal with it were bound by law 577 00:35:21,960 --> 00:35:25,400 to be on the phone when it strolled by. 578 00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:30,960 As time was therefore critical, 579 00:35:31,039 --> 00:35:35,440 I decided that night that the Diddly Squat farm shop would open, 580 00:35:35,519 --> 00:35:38,679 come what may, that weekend. 581 00:35:40,519 --> 00:35:45,639 Well, we've got to get all the boxes up for the vegetables in the farm shop. 582 00:35:45,679 --> 00:35:48,280 -Yeah. -Got to get the advertising signs hung. 583 00:35:48,360 --> 00:35:51,079 -Okay. -We've got to get the farm shop decorated. 584 00:35:51,159 --> 00:35:54,440 So, what do you want me to do? And when is the farm shop opening, actually? 585 00:35:54,519 --> 00:35:58,639 -Tomorrow, two o'clock. I know, I know. -What's the time now? 586 00:35:58,679 --> 00:36:02,639 -Twenty to 10:00, Friday. Opens tomorrow. -And we've got to do all this? 587 00:36:02,760 --> 00:36:04,400 Otherwise the potatoes will have rotted. 588 00:36:04,480 --> 00:36:07,800 If we don't open it now, we have no potatoes. 589 00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:09,639 All those potatoes will be rotten and be gone. 590 00:36:09,760 --> 00:36:10,760 Yeah. 591 00:36:12,159 --> 00:36:15,079 [Jeremy] Kaleb rushed off to get signs made, 592 00:36:15,159 --> 00:36:17,320 while I took Lisa to the shop 593 00:36:17,400 --> 00:36:20,440 so she could start decorating, 594 00:36:20,519 --> 00:36:22,800 and I could try out the carpark. 595 00:36:28,079 --> 00:36:30,840 -[Lisa] That's really deep. -[Jeremy] That's really bad. 596 00:36:37,119 --> 00:36:39,079 -Ready? -[Lisa] Yes, hang on. 597 00:36:41,079 --> 00:36:44,440 -[Jeremy] Yay. -[Lisa] That is great. Eventually. 598 00:36:44,519 --> 00:36:46,679 -[Jeremy] Ready? -[Lisa] Yeah, go on. 599 00:36:48,760 --> 00:36:51,159 Wow. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where's the sink? 600 00:36:51,199 --> 00:36:52,199 [Jeremy] What? 601 00:36:52,320 --> 00:36:54,639 [Lisa] So, you have a sink, and you're rinsing stuff. 602 00:36:54,760 --> 00:36:56,599 No, we haven't got a sink. We've got a tap. 603 00:36:56,639 --> 00:36:59,039 But let's not get bogged down, shall we, 604 00:36:59,119 --> 00:37:02,440 with the lack of any form of drainage to save money. 605 00:37:03,159 --> 00:37:04,159 Um... 606 00:37:04,639 --> 00:37:06,800 That looks fantastic. It's a lot bigger with the roof on. 607 00:37:06,880 --> 00:37:07,679 [Jeremy] Yes. 608 00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:10,000 Leaving Lisa to paint the walls, 609 00:37:10,079 --> 00:37:14,760 I went off to help Kaleb erect our advertising signs. 610 00:37:24,199 --> 00:37:26,159 [Kaleb] How many people are coming on Saturday? 611 00:37:26,199 --> 00:37:27,599 [Jeremy] Well, now, that's a good question. 612 00:37:27,639 --> 00:37:30,480 [Kaleb] Have you put it in the Chipping Norton News? 613 00:37:30,559 --> 00:37:34,880 -No, because it suddenly occurred to me... -[Kaleb] Social media. 614 00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:39,639 Social media. Twitter, I've got 7.1 million... 615 00:37:39,679 --> 00:37:41,840 -[Kaleb] Fucking hell. -[Jeremy] ...followers. 616 00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:43,880 What do you do on Twitter? I don't use Twitter. 617 00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:46,079 Nothing. Twitter now is just an opportunity 618 00:37:46,159 --> 00:37:49,960 for very left-wing people to express increasingly left-wing views 619 00:37:50,039 --> 00:37:51,880 to other left-wing people. 620 00:37:51,960 --> 00:37:54,360 So, I'm not sure it's a farm shop... 621 00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:57,440 -Hey, but it's all vegetarian, isn't it? -Yeah. No, it is. 622 00:37:57,519 --> 00:37:59,440 Yes, you see, that's a Twitter handle. 623 00:37:59,519 --> 00:38:03,000 -Everything is going vegan. -That's a Twitter handle. 624 00:38:03,079 --> 00:38:05,480 Oh, Christ, we'll have them with their smelly armpits 625 00:38:05,559 --> 00:38:07,400 queuing up for a mile if we say that. 626 00:38:07,480 --> 00:38:09,480 After I'd finished tweeting, 627 00:38:09,559 --> 00:38:11,639 Kaleb came up with a Kaleb-type suggestion 628 00:38:11,760 --> 00:38:15,199 about what we could do with any unsold potatoes. 629 00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:19,000 There's a thing... You actually can go and have a potato fight with people. 630 00:38:19,079 --> 00:38:22,159 Get there, you get drunk, and you chuck potatoes at each other. 631 00:38:22,199 --> 00:38:23,320 [laughing] 632 00:38:24,679 --> 00:38:28,280 Like, what? You go to a party, and then how does it work? 633 00:38:28,360 --> 00:38:30,519 Start off all, "How are you doing? You all right?" 634 00:38:30,599 --> 00:38:33,159 And then, about, I don't know, ten o'clock comes. That's it. 635 00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:34,880 You're just chucking potatoes at each other. 636 00:38:34,960 --> 00:38:37,800 Who are these other potato flingers around here? 637 00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:39,079 I can't name them all 638 00:38:39,159 --> 00:38:41,480 'cause they'll be like, "Yeah, he's just named me." 639 00:38:41,639 --> 00:38:44,519 And everyone will be chucking potatoes at them, like they like it. 640 00:38:44,599 --> 00:38:45,440 [laughing] 641 00:38:46,880 --> 00:38:50,119 Your life and my life are incredibly different. 642 00:38:51,320 --> 00:38:54,760 With the signs up, we went back to the farm shop... 643 00:38:58,000 --> 00:39:00,559 to help erect the portaloo. 644 00:39:01,639 --> 00:39:04,119 All right, it's a thing of great beauty, isn't it? 645 00:39:05,519 --> 00:39:07,199 So, we just plonk that up. 646 00:39:07,559 --> 00:39:09,400 How does it not blow over in the wind? 647 00:39:09,480 --> 00:39:13,079 Oh, it's probably best to put some sandbags or something to weigh it down. 648 00:39:13,159 --> 00:39:14,119 Cheers, mate. 649 00:39:17,400 --> 00:39:21,800 With the portaloo in place, I went to check on Michael O'Angelo. 650 00:39:23,519 --> 00:39:25,039 -[Lisa] So, Jeremy? -[Jeremy] Yeah? 651 00:39:25,119 --> 00:39:27,920 I spoke to Mum, and I sent her a video of what I'm doing. 652 00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:29,800 And she sent me a Whatsapp back. 653 00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:32,599 "Oh, my goodness. Stop right now. 654 00:39:33,159 --> 00:39:37,159 You need to prepare the breeze blocks before you paint them. Google it." 655 00:39:37,639 --> 00:39:38,480 So, I googled it 656 00:39:38,559 --> 00:39:41,000 and you have to do a mixture of cement and water, 657 00:39:41,079 --> 00:39:42,920 and then paint that on. 658 00:39:43,000 --> 00:39:45,360 Yeah, but if we just say we wanted this effect. 659 00:39:46,320 --> 00:39:48,679 We haven't got time to do that. The shop is opening in... 660 00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:51,440 -[Lisa] I know. It's too late anyway. -...24 hours and ten minutes. 661 00:39:53,320 --> 00:39:55,000 Leaving Lisa to it, 662 00:39:56,000 --> 00:39:58,480 I went to collect the eggs we'd be selling. 663 00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:01,679 One, two. 664 00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:06,199 No, absolutely none. 665 00:40:07,519 --> 00:40:08,639 One. 666 00:40:09,400 --> 00:40:12,280 Last chance. 59 chickens... 667 00:40:15,320 --> 00:40:17,639 One. What are you doing? 668 00:40:18,199 --> 00:40:19,760 That is 11 eggs. 669 00:40:19,840 --> 00:40:22,280 That is enough for a picnic, not a shop. 670 00:40:24,360 --> 00:40:28,039 Having harangued the hens, I drove back to the farm shop... 671 00:40:31,280 --> 00:40:34,519 and arrived just in time for a visit from cheerful Charlie. 672 00:40:35,039 --> 00:40:38,519 I was just thinking as I walked across, could you have built it in a windier spot? 673 00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:42,440 Yes, I know. But we're next to ready-made customers. 674 00:40:42,519 --> 00:40:44,000 [Charlie] Absolutely. 675 00:40:45,320 --> 00:40:47,079 [Jeremy] Charlie then informed me 676 00:40:47,159 --> 00:40:51,000 that I wouldn't be selling any mutton from the sheep I'd slaughtered earlier. 677 00:40:52,360 --> 00:40:53,480 I can't sell the meat? 678 00:40:53,559 --> 00:40:56,639 No, not until you've got the sign-off from Food Hygiene. 679 00:40:57,760 --> 00:40:59,119 So, that frozen... 680 00:40:59,159 --> 00:41:03,119 That frozen stuff will have to stay unsold until we've got... 681 00:41:03,159 --> 00:41:05,000 She is coming round next week, I think. 682 00:41:05,079 --> 00:41:07,400 Is that the one that can't come on Thursdays and Fridays? 683 00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:09,840 The local council cannot send somebody out, yes. 684 00:41:09,920 --> 00:41:10,880 Why not? 685 00:41:11,519 --> 00:41:13,440 [Charlie] What, because she only works Monday to Wednesday. 686 00:41:13,519 --> 00:41:18,440 Is it 1974? Have I been asleep and woken up in the '70s? 687 00:41:19,320 --> 00:41:20,280 Come on. 688 00:41:21,440 --> 00:41:25,800 Inside, Charlie's bureaucratic bombs kept on falling. 689 00:41:25,880 --> 00:41:29,159 In Lisa's mind, there is a lovely coffee area out here. 690 00:41:30,159 --> 00:41:33,320 -People can sit and have a cup of coffee. -Variation of planning. 691 00:41:34,159 --> 00:41:37,199 Building a fire pit. Do I need a council planning permission for that? 692 00:41:37,320 --> 00:41:39,599 No, but we might need a risk assessment. 693 00:41:39,639 --> 00:41:42,639 Can I put a note up outside? "Don't walk in the fire." 694 00:41:42,760 --> 00:41:45,159 -Just for public liability. -"Don't lie down in the fire." 695 00:41:45,199 --> 00:41:48,360 That's good. "Don't touch the fire." 696 00:41:48,440 --> 00:41:52,480 So, what I'm saying is, "Hello customer, I think you're a halfwit." 697 00:41:54,760 --> 00:41:57,440 Mercifully, I eventually escaped 698 00:41:57,519 --> 00:42:01,039 from the red tape and got on with the business of finishing the shop. 699 00:42:06,199 --> 00:42:07,920 See, that's going to work. 700 00:42:11,760 --> 00:42:13,119 [drill whirrs] 701 00:42:20,079 --> 00:42:22,599 We've got so much to do. 702 00:42:33,000 --> 00:42:34,480 Fucking hell. 703 00:42:36,079 --> 00:42:37,760 [drill whirrs] 704 00:42:40,920 --> 00:42:45,159 The next day, the weather was not like this. 705 00:42:46,159 --> 00:42:48,320 It was cold and bleak, 706 00:42:48,400 --> 00:42:51,159 and there were still issues to be dealt with. 707 00:42:53,119 --> 00:42:56,360 -They're really good eggs. -But you have got a salmonella test? 708 00:42:56,480 --> 00:42:58,800 -What? Have we? -Have you? 709 00:43:03,639 --> 00:43:04,920 [Kaleb] That looks really good, doesn't it? 710 00:43:05,039 --> 00:43:06,800 -Yeah, that looks fantastic. -I'll open this one. 711 00:43:06,880 --> 00:43:11,360 Here we go. And then, we have that's... Well, when it's closed, look... 712 00:43:11,440 --> 00:43:14,880 -No, no, no. It's a yoga shop. -[Lisa] Squat shop. 713 00:43:14,960 --> 00:43:17,559 Well, squat shop, it sounds like people come here to do yoga. 714 00:43:17,639 --> 00:43:19,639 -[Lisa] Diddly Squat. -Yes, but when we're closed, 715 00:43:19,679 --> 00:43:22,440 it's very clear what we do. When we're open, 716 00:43:22,519 --> 00:43:25,920 women will come in leotards and say, "Can I do a downward dog?" 717 00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:34,639 Bit of a problem with the spring water. 718 00:43:34,679 --> 00:43:37,360 I ordered four sample bottles, 719 00:43:37,440 --> 00:43:40,159 and they have arrived in time for the shop opening, 720 00:43:40,280 --> 00:43:43,920 but I went for the yellow one. 721 00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:45,639 And, as you can see, 722 00:43:47,760 --> 00:43:50,960 I mean the label is good. I'm pleased. 723 00:43:51,039 --> 00:43:53,239 It's clear, but... 724 00:43:53,840 --> 00:43:54,920 Um... 725 00:43:57,159 --> 00:43:59,840 It kind of looks like a sample. 726 00:44:03,079 --> 00:44:05,360 However, as zero hour approached, 727 00:44:05,440 --> 00:44:07,599 everything was finally in order. 728 00:44:10,599 --> 00:44:11,760 [joyous music playing] 729 00:44:18,239 --> 00:44:21,320 And we were ready to receive customers. 730 00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:25,320 The question was, 731 00:44:25,400 --> 00:44:28,280 had my social media shout-out been enough 732 00:44:28,360 --> 00:44:30,119 to draw any in? 733 00:44:30,400 --> 00:44:33,400 Right, here we go. This is it. 734 00:44:55,719 --> 00:45:00,039 [Lisa] Can I interest you in anything? Potatoes maybe? 735 00:45:00,119 --> 00:45:01,519 Yeah, it's a wide selection of potatoes. 736 00:45:01,599 --> 00:45:04,000 Yes. Well, they're Melody potatoes. 737 00:45:04,079 --> 00:45:07,280 They're delicious for chipping, for roasting, they're really good. 738 00:45:07,360 --> 00:45:09,719 -Okay. -Baking are fantastic. 739 00:45:09,800 --> 00:45:12,920 -Chips, knock yourself out. -Do you take American Express? 740 00:45:13,000 --> 00:45:15,000 -Visa. -Ah. 741 00:45:16,719 --> 00:45:20,039 [Jeremy] Then, just as I was starting to panic... 742 00:45:29,039 --> 00:45:30,320 [Jeremy] Holy cow. 743 00:45:32,639 --> 00:45:34,199 Oh, my giddy aunt. 744 00:45:35,519 --> 00:45:38,360 No, seriously, look down there. Look down there. 745 00:45:38,679 --> 00:45:41,199 It is, quite literally, as far as the eye can see. 746 00:45:51,000 --> 00:45:52,840 Oh, my God, what have I done? 747 00:45:52,920 --> 00:45:55,119 -[woman] You all right? -Yeah, I am. 748 00:45:55,199 --> 00:45:57,320 It's just more people have come than I was expecting. 749 00:45:57,400 --> 00:45:59,840 [woman] My husband had an operation, but he came to see you. 750 00:45:59,920 --> 00:46:02,960 -Oh, I'm so grateful to you. -Had a spine operation. 751 00:46:03,039 --> 00:46:04,559 Well, I've got disabled parking. 752 00:46:05,639 --> 00:46:08,239 -So, have you got your blue badge? -[woman] Yes, we do. 753 00:46:08,320 --> 00:46:11,199 Well, park in the blue badge. I've put a special space. 754 00:46:11,280 --> 00:46:12,840 -Thank you. -Thanks. 755 00:46:14,159 --> 00:46:17,679 Also, hordes of people were now arriving on foot. 756 00:46:19,519 --> 00:46:25,000 Soon, the shop was heaving, and Lisa was run off her feet. 757 00:46:25,079 --> 00:46:26,679 Hi. Hi, how are you? 758 00:46:26,760 --> 00:46:28,719 Hi, how are you? Hi, how are you? 759 00:46:28,920 --> 00:46:31,239 [Jeremy] I, meanwhile, had decided 760 00:46:31,320 --> 00:46:34,119 I was more useful as a front-of-house type of person. 761 00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:36,920 -You mind if I take a picture? -No, that's fine. 762 00:46:37,000 --> 00:46:38,920 -What do I write? -To Curtis. 763 00:46:40,840 --> 00:46:43,960 [Lisa] There we go. And your potatoes. 764 00:46:44,039 --> 00:46:46,480 That'll be £6.21, please, sir. There we go, £6.02. 765 00:46:46,559 --> 00:46:47,760 And that's £6.72. 766 00:46:47,840 --> 00:46:49,880 Anyone knows what happened Chelsea-Spurs? 767 00:46:49,960 --> 00:46:52,719 -Six... How much? £2.20? Hi, how are you? -Fine thanks. 768 00:46:52,800 --> 00:46:55,599 There we go, and your potatoes. You want the cake as well? 769 00:46:55,679 --> 00:46:57,000 Which newspaper are you from? 770 00:46:57,079 --> 00:46:58,800 The Cotswolds Gentleman. 771 00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:01,519 -The Cotswolds Gentleman? -Yeah. 772 00:47:01,599 --> 00:47:04,400 Oh, I like the idea of being in the Cotswolds Gentleman. 773 00:47:05,360 --> 00:47:08,400 As the customers piled in, a problem developed. 774 00:47:10,320 --> 00:47:13,280 The carpark was becoming a quagmire. 775 00:47:15,280 --> 00:47:16,639 [Kaleb] There's a problem. 776 00:47:16,719 --> 00:47:19,559 [Jeremy] I saw this as a public relations disaster, 777 00:47:19,639 --> 00:47:22,960 while Kaleb saw it as a business opportunity. 778 00:47:24,519 --> 00:47:27,400 You're not charging people to tow them out of the carpark. 779 00:47:28,239 --> 00:47:29,440 No, you're not. 780 00:47:29,920 --> 00:47:33,280 You can't. It's not fair. It's a shop. 781 00:47:34,000 --> 00:47:37,159 You're here to provide a service with my very powerful tractor. 782 00:47:37,760 --> 00:47:38,960 Hmm... 783 00:47:39,039 --> 00:47:41,039 Yeah, now that I think of it. 784 00:47:41,119 --> 00:47:42,679 [customer] Does that mean I can have my £10 back? 785 00:47:42,760 --> 00:47:45,079 You're not paying him. Kaleb, give him... 786 00:47:45,159 --> 00:47:47,800 -I gave him £10. -See? There's a business idea. 787 00:47:47,880 --> 00:47:49,800 It isn't a business idea, it's theft. 788 00:47:49,880 --> 00:47:54,760 As the afternoon wore on, the punters kept on coming. 789 00:47:58,039 --> 00:48:01,679 Right, so that is just over three kilos, let's say three kilos. 790 00:48:01,760 --> 00:48:03,960 A card would be much easier if you have it. 791 00:48:04,559 --> 00:48:06,760 I'll carry it to your car, madam. 792 00:48:08,559 --> 00:48:10,079 [Lisa] Thank you. 793 00:48:14,280 --> 00:48:19,239 I mean, I can't sell meat, but I have got a bit of mutton. 794 00:48:25,480 --> 00:48:27,960 [Kaleb] Thank you very much. And it's £10 to get out. 795 00:48:28,039 --> 00:48:30,639 If you want my meat, it's round the back. 796 00:48:31,440 --> 00:48:36,840 After a frantic day, it was time to shut the doors... 797 00:48:36,920 --> 00:48:39,280 -Thanks for coming. -Thank you ever so much for coming. 798 00:48:39,360 --> 00:48:40,480 [Lisa] Enjoy your potatoes. 799 00:48:40,559 --> 00:48:42,239 ...and count the takings. 800 00:48:44,840 --> 00:48:48,239 40, 60, 80, 120. 801 00:48:48,320 --> 00:48:51,920 Do we need one of those, like, Pablo Escobar counting machines? 802 00:48:52,000 --> 00:48:54,559 No, you know, like drug dealers where they go... [mimics riffling] 803 00:48:55,360 --> 00:48:57,679 One fifty... 804 00:48:57,760 --> 00:49:00,159 I'd say we have about 805 00:49:00,239 --> 00:49:05,039 160, 170, 175 in there. 806 00:49:05,119 --> 00:49:07,360 -One hundred and seventy-five? -Yeah, and... 807 00:49:07,440 --> 00:49:09,519 -£75. -Cash. 808 00:49:09,599 --> 00:49:12,320 -I know... -And then, but I was quite busy... 809 00:49:12,400 --> 00:49:14,679 -How much did we do on credit card? -How much do you think? 810 00:49:15,719 --> 00:49:19,880 Um... Don't know. I can't even begin to guess. £100, £200? 811 00:49:19,960 --> 00:49:24,599 [Lisa] £897.76. So, we almost made it. 812 00:49:24,679 --> 00:49:26,239 Eighty-seven? 813 00:49:26,320 --> 00:49:30,440 -£897.76. -Plus 100... 814 00:49:30,760 --> 00:49:33,519 -Plus 100... Well, we'll own up to this. -So, 170 odd. 815 00:49:33,599 --> 00:49:34,840 A hundred and... 816 00:49:34,920 --> 00:49:37,440 Seventy odd, so over a grand. 817 00:49:40,920 --> 00:49:43,920 -I know! -I'm a human tripod. 818 00:49:44,039 --> 00:49:47,199 -That's a lot of sales. We have... -There is still a lot... 819 00:49:47,280 --> 00:49:49,239 ...sold so many potatoes. 820 00:49:50,519 --> 00:49:53,159 And we have so many left, Jeremy. 821 00:49:55,760 --> 00:49:58,679 But no matter, the shop was now on the map, 822 00:49:58,760 --> 00:50:00,719 and there was always tomorrow. 823 00:50:02,280 --> 00:50:06,519 Except, as it turned out, there wasn't. 824 00:50:10,119 --> 00:50:11,559 I've been closed down. 825 00:50:11,639 --> 00:50:14,800 I have in my hand a piece of paper from the council. 826 00:50:14,880 --> 00:50:16,559 They are unhappy with the tin roof. 827 00:50:16,639 --> 00:50:18,480 They say they want it to be made of slate. 828 00:50:18,559 --> 00:50:21,400 Obviously, if they're not happy, I don't have planning permission. 829 00:50:21,480 --> 00:50:23,639 If I don't have planning permission, I can't be open. 830 00:50:23,719 --> 00:50:29,480 Which means this is the shortest farm shop business in history. 831 00:50:32,199 --> 00:50:34,599 Something will go right one day, it has to. 832 00:50:35,679 --> 00:50:36,760 It has to. 833 00:50:41,400 --> 00:50:43,679 Oh, yeah, look at that. 834 00:50:43,760 --> 00:50:47,079 Ecoists get their cocks out for this kind of thing, don't they? 835 00:50:50,039 --> 00:50:51,880 What the fuck are you doing up here? 836 00:50:53,119 --> 00:50:54,119 [upbeat music playing]