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SPERM BANK

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Do you wanna meet
beautiful women?

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- Uh huh.
- Yeah.

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Do you want to go out
with beautiful women?

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Yeah.

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Well, you will never feel
comfortable asking them out

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if your hemorrhoids
are bothering you!

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That's right. If you
wanna get women

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you gotta do something
for those darn hemorrhoids!

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...to find out the
answers to these questions

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we tracked down Rod Johnson,
the president of the sperm bank.

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- Mr. Johnson?
- I'll be right out!

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It's no use trying to
dodge me, Mr. Johnson...

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I demand to know where your
company is getting the sperm!

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Say, what's taking you so long?
What are you doing in there?

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Nothing! Nothing at all!
Why do you ask?

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Look, I'll be out in a minute!
Just give me another minute in here!

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- I've got customers coming in!
- Cool! We could do that!

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We're there, dude.

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Check it out, it's those "brain" shrimps.

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No, those are sea monkeys.

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Sea monkeys are cool.

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Can you spank a sea monkey?

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Whoa.

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Is that his sphinxter?

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- I can do that.
- No way.

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Check this out.

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Is this, like, magic?

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Yeah.

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- Yes!
- Yeah, yeah.

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Pantera kicks
everybody's ass.

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Yeah, yeah.

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Yeah, yeah.

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Keep singing, Butt-Head, that was
pretty good. Come on, do it again.

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Okay.

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Yeah, yeah.

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Right on, man!

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Rock!

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Yeah.

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- This singer looks pretty mean.
- Yeah.

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- Do you think he gets all the chicks?
- Probably not.

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- I bet he, like, scares chicks.
- Yeah, yeah.

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The only thing cooler than
bands that get lots of chicks

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- are bands that scare chicks.
- Yeah.

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- Yes?
- We'd like to...

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We're here to...

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You tell her, dude.

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Are you here to sell sperm?

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Please follow me.

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We're only interested in
those potential donors

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whose cognitive skills
are the highest caliber.

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Well gentlemen, go to work.

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- On your tests!
- Oh.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Nurse, the test tubes holding our entire
stack of sperm have been destroyed!

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I need new speciments right away!

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Well, their tests should be
finished in a few hours, doctor.

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There's no time for that!
I've got clients with me right now!

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I want your sperm!

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There's more where
that came from.

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- Where's your container?
- I was supposed to use a container?

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There's really nothing
to be ashamed of, sir.

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Sometimes nature just needs
a little helping hand, that's all.

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As we gentlemen get
older, certain of our...

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capabilities decline...

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and well,
occasionally it makes sense to turn

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to members of the
younger generation for...

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assistance.

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And what a great deal
of assistance they can offer us!

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It's not that he is infertile.
We have a son, Stewart.

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It's just that ever since
Stewart was born, my husband

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is having a little bit of form,
you know... trouble, you know...

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I see. Well, if you're
concerned about quality,

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we have a rigorous intelligence test
that all our sperm donors must pass,

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and I can assure you that the
individuals who contribuite at the sperm

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are among the very smartest
we've ever encountered here

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at Stork in the Bottle
sperm bank.

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Maybe we need to do
that with two hands.

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- You kids are gonna pay for those!
- No problem, dude.

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You want cash, or should we
just go spank the monkey again?

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Yeah.

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What the hell?

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These are the boy
geniuses you were talking about?

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What's so funny, you little twerps?
I'll spank your monkeys!

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Hey, Beavis...

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What?

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He's fallen and
he can't get it up.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, yeah.

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What kind of music is this?

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This is music for people who, like...
don't have any friends.

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Yeah.

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If you, like, go buy this
album and play it

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all your friends will leave.

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Yeah.

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Except, that's what I was trying to say...

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If you like this kind of music you don't
have any friends to begin with. See?

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That was the point I was
trying to make before, Butt-Head.

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Okay.

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Peek-A-Boo!

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Hey Beavis, have you ever
played Peek-A-Boo with your wiener?

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Yeah.

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Peek-A-Boo!

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Peek-A-Boo!

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How does this chick ever expect
to sell records without cleavage?

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Yeah.

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I like to buy albums that
have lots of cleavage on 'em.

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That's cool.

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Bummer! We really had a good thing going...

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- plus we were getting paid for it.
- At least we got some money.

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Hey.

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- We could spend it!
- On what?

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I don't know.

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We could
buy magazines.

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- Why?
- Dirty magazines?

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Oh.

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Cool.

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Well, what would it be?

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All right then, I'll just point to a
magazine and you boys nod if you want it.

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You dillweed!

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You dillhole!

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- Monkey spank!
- Turdwipe!

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Waste of bumwipe.

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You...

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Butthole!

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You butt... head!

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I mean... buttwipe!

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- Parades suck.
- Yeah, yeah.

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But I like it when the horses
take a big dump in the street

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and the marching band
has to walk through it!

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Yeah.

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That's kind of cool!

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Yeah.

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- The Chili Peppers rule!
- Yeah, yeah.

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Especially Flea.

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- Flea kicks ass!
- Yeah, yeah.

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Anthony... Anthony
Krokus, he is cool too.

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Is not Anthony Krokus,
dumbass!

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His name is like,
Anthony...

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It's like, something else.

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