Do you ever wonder what happens to all our rubber bands ..
..and paper clips you lose?
I think they go into some alternate lair of the universe.
You ever notice these warning labels on shaving cream cans?
They say "do not use near open flame"..
Now, I know whenever I go to shave..
I like to fire the old bunsen burner, you know what I mean?
Coming up next - the comedy superstar..
..who rolled with a punches and laughed all the way to the bank.
Join us for the inside look Dan's luxurious lifestyle.
Hey, Bevis. I got an idea.
Yeah, me too. Let's go over to Steward's house and burn something.
No, dumbass..
..let's become one of those stand-up chameleons and make a lot of money.
Yeah, money rules!
We're there, dude!
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We're gonna be rich.
That look's like that dude from Deliverance.
Yeah.
Remember that part when he said 'pig'?
That wasn't a pig, Beavis..
..That was Ned Beatty. - Oh, yeah.
- I watched that movie 7 times. - Me too.
Me too.
- "Squeal like a pig, boy." - Yeah.
Spit! Cool.
- That's cool. - Yeah.
- Woah, fat people! - Yeah, yeah.
- They don't have enough fat people in videos. - Yeah
And more spit in videos.
- Like people hacking loogies - Yeah, yeah.
- More spit and more fat people. - Yeah.
- Fat people are cool. - Yeah.
*chainsaw revving*
Okay, I'd like to remind everybody that I am a professional, okay?
So, don't try this at home.
Hey, sorry folks, they told me my time is up.
Y'all have been great. Thanks.
Okay. How about it for Wild Dog Bill, huh?
Okay. Our next comedian is a young man. In fact he is really young.
He calls himself Butthole. Let's hear it for him!
Uhhh
What's green and red and goes 100 miles an hour?
Uhh.. a frog in a blender.
- Get it? - Yeah.
Uh.. okay.
Here's one.
How do you keep a moron in suspence?
Uhh..
..I don't know
This is cool.
Uhh.. so..
..this guy says to the bartender..
"i'll bet you 50 dollars I can pee in that glass and you'll clean it up laughing."
*audience booing*
No, wait. I mean he says
"i'll bet you can pee in this..." uhh
No way..
..he pees on the bar and pays these people at the table to clean it up.
No way.
Are you gonna finish all those nachos?
Can I have some?
-[audience] Get off!
- Is that what she said? - Okay, how about it for Butthole?
Hey, wait a minute folks. Don't leave yet. We're just getting started.
We've got a great act up next. His name is Beavis.
This guy is fantastic. Let's hear it for him.
You ever wonder why so much stuff sucks?
Sometimes I look at these little straws and I go "this sucks".
This is cool!
One thing about a gym class..
..it sucks!
Okay..
..now I'm gonna like.. juggle.
Go for it, Beavis.
This is gonna be cool.
- This is mall music. - Yeah.
She has to play in the mall, because she sucks.
Yeah.
Hey, Beavis..
Who do you think would win in a fight between Tiffany and Debby Gibson?
Debby Gibson would kick her butt.
She should join a gang like Wilson Phillips.
Who do you think would win in a fight between Wilson Phillips and The Bangles?
Uhhhh..
..you're the expert, Beavis.
Shut up, Butthead.
One chick from L7 could kick all their asses combined.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Woah, cool, fire, fire, fire!
What's wrong with you, Beavis? This sucks.
Just because you have fire in your video doesn't mean you're cool.
Yeah, but the fire itself is pretty cool.
- No way, Beavis! Vince Neil was a wuss. - Oh, yeah.
- Molly Cruz fired this dude. - Yeah, he fired it.
Fire, fire, fire!
Tommy Lee should've shove drumstick up his butt.
Yeah, yeah. That would be cool.
Woah!
that chick's got middle pointy things on her boobs.
- That's pretty cool. - Yeah.
She's a knock down, drag it out, lick it up, do it again.
What does that mean?
Who writes this crap?
Yeah, it sucks.
- We're pretty funny, huh, Beavis. - Yeah.
We should be on TV.
How come that clubowner dude didn't like us?
Maybe he's stupid.
Yeah
..not everybody can be cool like us. - Oh yeah.
- Trees. - Yeah.
I don't think I shall ever see anything as stupid as a tree.
Do you like her hair up or down, Beavis?
I think with this particular outfit it looks better up.
Do you think it's this band is playing in the forest..
and a tree fell on him, cause they suck?
Do you think anybody would be there?
No one would hear 'em.. because they would be dead.
Yeah, but what if like, the tree fell and hit a couple of them and then..
..hey, Beavis. What are your hands doing in your pocket?
I'm just looking for my lighter.
Uh, uh..
..you've been looking for about 15 minutes. - Yeah.
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