Peralta, you need to come with me right now.
Can I eat my bagel?
Trust me, you're not gonna wanna eat before you see this.
That's Shane Reed. Suspect in a string of B&Es.
Got pulled over this morning. This was in his trunk.
Son of a bitch!
Peralta… Peralta, calm down.
Why am I here? I didn't do anything.
You broke into 15 houses, Shane,
but that's not what I care about right now.
All I care about is what we found in your car.
I don't understand. He doesn't understand, Diaz.
Why don't you fill him in?
"You are invited to celebrate the wedding
"of Katherine Joyner and Douglas Judy."
Douglas Judy, aka Doug Judy, aka, the Pontiac Bandit.
-Maybe. -PERALTA: That's a yes.
Now tell me, Shane, when did you get the invite?
What? When did you receive the invite in the mail,
and how come I didn't get one?
Why would you get an invite? Do you know Doug?
Hey, I'm the one asking the questions here!
Calm down, Jake. Maybe it's a small wedding.
Okay, good point. How big is the venue, Shane?
I said how big is the venue?
[SPUTTERS] I don't know!
[MIMICS STAMMER] I don't know! But I bet you do know
the password to the wedding website, don't you?
Yeah, I guess.
Well, then I guess you better tell it to me, Shane.
You wash my back, I'll wash yours.
Wash? I meant scratch. You know I meant scratch.
Now tell me the password. I think it's "dougandkateforever."
[CHUCKLES] There, was that so hard, Shane?
You did the right thing.
Now get this piece of trash out of my sight.
Oh, is forever spelled out or is it the number four?
Oh, it's spelled out. Okay, thank you so much.
Now get this piece of trash out of my sight!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
I'm so glad you called.
Thanks for meeting me at my favorite establishment.
A place where you paint pottery?
I find a hand-painted mug
makes a thoughtful gift for any occasion.
So, what's going on?
Anything exciting in your life
that you maybe wanna tell me about?
I got a new job. I sit behind white CEOs
when they have to testify before Congress,
so they don't look so racist.
Every 15 minutes I just whisper some nonsense at 'em.
The texture of quiche is unsettling.
I got paid $75,000 for that nonsense.
[LAUGHS] That's cool, congratulations.
But there's nothing else,
you know, maybe even more interesting
that you wanna fill me in on?
It seemed like a pretty cool fact to me.
All right. Look, Judy, I know you're getting married.
Damn it. I didn't think you'd find out about that.
Who told you? Ronnie? Bobby?
Ricky? Mike?
Don't try and change the subject by tricking me
into singing New Edition with you.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Ronnie, Bobby, Ricky and Mike…
BOTH: ♪ If I love the girl Who cares who you like ♪
Whoo! So all is forgiven?
No! Why didn't you invite me?
I wanted to,
but a lot of people in my life are crooks,
and they think it's weird that I'm friends with a cop.
They just don't understand. Kind of like
parents?
No, no more songs.
Look, I'm having my bachelor party
tomorrow night and I want you to be there.
We'll make up a criminal alias for you
so you can meet the boys.
Obviously that's a super cool plan,
but no, I don't want your pity.
Suit yourself,
but it's gonna be one sexy-ass weekend.
Like…
How sexy-ass are we talking here?
Private jet to Miami, baby!
And there's a red carpet!
Forget the red carpet. Private jet!
Yes, and a jet!
The jet is better.
Miami, here we come! Whoo!
Today is Holt's first day
back in his office and I wanna make sure
everything is just how he left it.
Now, I can't remember,
was this little figurine of Cheddar
at a 45 or 50 degree angle?
Terry, it's a five degree difference.
You better figure it out.
Ah, I missed this place.
Huh, little Cheddar's askew.
You really made yourself at home, didn't you, Jeffords?
But, uh, no matter.
Just glad to be here. [LAUGHS]
I am a captain again. Back where I belong.
Everything is perfect.
Wow. There's absolutely nothing
that could puncture my…
Where's the business card? What?
The business card that was right here.
It had a piece of gum on it. It's very important to me.
You didn't throw it away, did you?
Pfft! No, Terry would never
throw away something that looked exactly like trash.
Good. I'll be back in half an hour.
Make sure it's on my desk by then.
Will do, sir. I got it. I'm on it.
I definitely threw it away.
DOUG JUDY: I want you to meet the guys.
This is Nathan, Josh, and Chuck.
This is my buddy, Sean, from prison. How's it going, fellas?
I've never heard you mention Sean before.
Yeah, well, like he said, I just got out of jail.
Five years. Tough sentence. What'd you do?
Elder abuse. Got my grandpa good, so…
Damn, that's very upsetting.
PERALTA: Damn straight it is.
Elder abuse?
I was trying to think of something that
wouldn't inspire any follow-up questions.
Doug Judy!
Cubes!
My man.
Sean, I'd like you to meet the man
whose private jet we are flying on today.
Yeah, you're Mark Cuban.
How do you guys know each other?
Doug came on Shark Tank
to pitch his idea for the Smush Shush.
It's a noise-canceling blanket for secret sex.
The product demonstration did not go well.
Robert fainted. Anyway, enjoy the jet.
Just bring it back in one piece, okay?
No promises, Mark Cuban.
I mean, we do wanna make sure the airplane
stays in one piece though, right?
Nah, I saw Flight.
If anything goes wrong, fly the plane upside down.
Oh, right, I forgot about Flight, the movie, Flight.
All right, let's rip it up!
What's going on here?
Oh, measuring the space.
We finally got a work order
approved to fix the outlet, so…
[WHISPERING] We can get a third vending machine.
What?
[WHISPERS] A third vending machine.
Why are you whispering about getting a new vending machine?
New vending machine! What model number?
Oh, that's why.
We asked you what model number.
I don't know, a normal one
with glass in the front.
Seriously? Did you even look into the DiGiSnax 600E?
I'd be into a fancy machine, too.
I was just reading about a Japanese one
that serves shellfish.
We're not getting a shellfish machine.
Yeah, Boyle, we're getting a smart machine
that suggests soda pairings based on your chip choice.
Or one with a make-it-wet gravy feature.
[SIGHS] Okay, look. Why don't you get a few options together
and then I'll decide, okay?
At least Terry's not here
to try to make me get a yogurt machine.
What was that about yogurt?
This jet is insane. There's a private chef
that'll make anything you ask for,
no matter how expensive.
I just ordered lobster enchanté.
Oh, damn, what's that?
I don't know. I just said the fanciest words I could think of.
Oh, I'm gonna get the Veal Prime Minister.
Mmm, that sounds good.
Hey, you wanna try out the Smush Shush?
What? You have one with you?
I take it everywhere, baby.
Yeah, there it is.
Yeah. So it's noise canceling?
[GROANING] It's so heavy.
It's crushing my bones.
Yeah, that was the Shark's problem with it, too.
I can't breathe. Get it off me.
Get it off me.
Yeah, you sound exactly like Barbara right now.
[BREATHING HEAVILY] Disappointed in you, Jake.
Pilot says we're starting our descent.
Then let's get changed, boys!
Changed? But these are my coolest clothes.
I got them from a targeted Instagram ad
after looking at photos of Cam Newton.
The outfit's beautiful, but it doesn't really say…
[WHISPERS] "Miami."
What does say, "Miami"?
[LATIN POP MUSIC PLAYING]
Are you sure this is culturally okay for me?
We're gonna find out. All right.
PERALTA: Damn, Judy, this place is nice.
Yeah, some Russian oligarch got the penthouse,
but this is the second nicest room.
Surprise!
Trudy Judy! What you doing here? I thought you were in prison.
Nope, I was a real sweet pea,
so they let me out for good behavior.
What the hell?
What's this narc doing here?
[SPUTTERS] What?
Nuh-uh!
What the hell was that? You almost blew my cover.
Yeah, they're all suspicious now.
You have to help us convince them that Jake's not a cop.
Why? I don't understand why you invited him.
This was supposed to be a crazy weekend
of boobs and butts.
Trudy Judy, you're not gonna see boobs or butts this weekend.
I'll see butts if I wanna see butts.
And Jake is here because he's my friend
and he really wanted to come.
No, he's up to something.
He's probably here to arrest Chuck.
I would never arrest Chuck.
But, I mean, why'd you say that? What did Chuck do?
Wow. Cops always be copping.
That's not true. I do bad things.
One time I illegally downloaded an O-Town album.
Dang, that's one of the hardest boy bands.
Exactly, they're scary. Look, I can be cool.
As long as nobody commits any major crimes
in front of me.
It's not a problem. We don't have to break the law to have fun.
We gonna have some drinks, smoke some Cubans,
eat a steak, either crazy big or crazy small,
whichever's more expensive.
I'd rather see butts.
Fine, if I let you see butts,
will you convince the guys that Jake's not a cop?
How many butts are we talking?
Six. Ten.
Seven. Nine.
Fine, eight. I'll meet you in the middle. Nah, you waited too long.
Now it's up to 14. Fourteen butts?
TRUDY JUDY: Mmm-hmm. She's a grown woman. Just let her see butts, man.
Thank you, Jake. Thank you for coming
to my aid on the butt thing.
One step closer to trust. Now I'ma go out there
and help your fedora-wearing
Jason Mraz-looking ass, okay?
I think I look like Andy Garcia in this hat.
You look like Seth Green.
Seth Green? No, Tom Green.
You're thinking of Tom Green. Tom Green.
Tom Green? No, go back to Jason Mraz.
Okay, so, Holt's gum-covered business card is long gone.
But I have a plan.
Great, what's the scheme?
Well, when I first moved in, I took a couple selfies
to commemorate getting my own office.
A couple?
Oh, please. Like you don't have any selfies.
Let me see your camera roll.
Zero photos? That's so much weirder.
Thank you. Anyway, look.
If you zoom in enough,
you can see the business card.
We can recreate it and print a new one.
Wait, does that say "Zeff Wilcox"?
Zeff? No, it's probably Jeff.
You know, like a normal human name.
Names are all made up.
There's no such thing as a normal name.
"Terry."
I am not putting "Zeff" on that card. It's your funeral.
Have you found my business card?
Uh, you know what, I actually brought it home by accident.
I got confused because I know someone with that name.
You know another Zeff?
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, he's married to Sharon's friend, Zudy.
We have dinner with Zeff and Zudy once a month.
You know, I'm gonna go home and get it.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] Excuse me.
[WHISPERS] I think they swing.
So in the end, it's more than a vending machine.
It's a vending experience.
A vending experience that serves fried octopus balls?
It also serves eel balls and clam balls and…
It's really just the three kinds of balls.
Oh, okay. On that horrifying note,
Scully and Hitchcock, it's your turn.
Allow me to introduce you to the Q3400.
"She's got it all. Chips, candy, soda,
"and a whole lot of class."
"That sounds great for snacking,
"but what if I'm stuck working late at the office?"
"How about a personal-sized frozen pizza?"
"And then what? I have to carry it
"all the way over to the microwave on my own?
"Who has the time?"
Well, you're in luck, because…"
I get it! It cooks the pizza for you.
It cooks the pizza for you.
BOTH: ♪ And you know ♪
♪ It ain't fiction, it's a natural fact ♪
♪ Whoo, we come together ♪
[OFF KEY] ♪ 'Cause opposites attract ♪
No applause? Wow.
I'm still just a little confused. Who is Sean, really?
Why'd your sister say he was a narc? Is he a cop?
He's not a cop. He caught me
cheating on my boyfriend and he snitched.
It was a real dick move, but I have since forgiven him.
It's just weird that none of us have ever heard of him before.
And we're paranoid because Doug still
has that cop friend in the NYPD.
That dude is not my friend. Yeah.
He dumb as hell. Yeah.
I'm always tricking him. Well, not every time.
Plus, he's short. Everyone's short to you. You're a giant.
Probably never even had sex.
Seems unlikely. He's an adult.
But the point is, I'm Sean. Tall Sean.
Okay, well, I'm glad to hear you're not a narc,
'cause it'd have been real awkward considering
what we did earlier. Huh?
While you were checking in, we stole $10 million
worth of diamonds from that rich Russian dude in the penthouse!
[LAUGHS] Bling, bling, baby!
You idiots. He's NYPD. That's Doug's cop friend.
Wow. Way to ruin Doug's bachelor party, Trudy.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY] What a buzzkill, right, guys?
I knew it was a mistake to invite a cop.
That's why you should only interact
with people who are exactly the same as you.
That's a terrible lesson.
Sometimes things aren't lessons.
Sometimes things are just messed up facts.
Guys, relax, Jake wasn't gonna arrest anybody.
No, I definitely was.
With what evidence? The diamonds aren't even here.
They confessed right in front of me.
Why would you pull a heist
in the middle of my bachelor party?
You pulled a heist during my wedding.
[SHUSHES] He's a cop, man. Come on, chill.
Judy. Come on, guys. What are we gonna do?
I say we tie this narc up,
leave him to starve,
and disappear with the diamonds.
Chuck. We're not doing that.
Thank you. It'll ruin my bachelor party.
That's your issue with it? I put a lot of work into this weekend.
I got us all shirts that say, "Doug's Dudes."
Ooh. Sorry, but what's done is done.
It's not like we can put the diamonds back.
Hold up, that's a great idea.
We pull a reverse heist.
Does the Russian know his diamonds are missing?
No, we swapped them for fakes.
Perfect, that means he hasn't reported it. No harm, no foul.
Okay, wait. I mean, obviously I love the premise
and I think a reverse heist would make for a great movie
and I already have the tag line,
"This summer there are takebacks." Love that.
The poster would be you and me back-to-back with our arms crossed,
but no, I'm not on board with this. I'm a cop.
And a cop's job is to prevent crime
and that's what you'd be doing.
Please, Jake. For me?
Okay, fine. 'Cause it's your bachelor party
and only if I see them put back with my own eyes.
Yes! Deal. Reverse heist, baby.
The Takeback. Coming this fall to HBO.
It's a TV show now? Well, that's where all the best content is.
So what do you think?
Which gum looks the most like the one from the picture?
Two pink, too wet, too small,
too chewed, too smooth,
too wet, all wrong, too pink,
too fresh, too dirty, too clean.
None of these work. You struck out.
We don't have any time. What do we do?
I don't know. Pick one and pray.
Uh, I'm gonna go with you.
Not that one.
This one.
Hmm. It's a little less pink than I recall.
But I suppose we exaggerate the beauty of those we love.
[LAUGHS] It's good to have you back, old friend.
Can I ask why that card is so important?
Because of Zeff Wilcox.
He was a victim in the first case I worked.
I always want to remember him.
That's nice. And the words he wrote on the back.
The back… Say what, now?
Why is this blank?
I threw it away. I thought it was trash.
I didn't know you kept it to remember someone you helped.
I didn't help Zeff, I failed Zeff.
His case was never solved.
The words written on the back were, "Thanks for nothing."
Oh, man, that's rough.
I have held onto that card for 30 years
because I always wanted to remember what it felt like
to let someone down, so I'd never do it again.
That card made me the cop I am today.
Without it… I'm lost.
Since this seems important now, I want to be clear.
This is Terry's thing, I've just been along for the ride.
Rosa! Noted.
So tell us how you stole the diamonds,
so we can just reverse it.
Won't work. We took them from the luggage downstairs,
posing as bellhops. It was a one-time opportunity.
And now the fakes are locked in the safe
in a bodyguard protected suite.
Well lucky for you, I have a long past in heist planning.
It's how I proposed to my wife.
That's a great story. Makes me cry every time.
Oh, thank you. Well, I guess I'll tell it.
You see, once a year, at Halloween…
I can tell that I'm losing the room.
I'll just move on. [CLEARS THROAT]
So here's how our thing is gonna go.
Every hotel safe has an override code,
in case guests leave them locked.
That code is kept on the concierge's computer.
[CLEARS THROAT] Do you know who this is? This is Matt Daniel,
the most popular male ASMR performer on Twitch.
ASMR performer? Someone who speaks real soft.
[SOFTLY] I also crinkle paper.
We're trying to stream
and the noise on the eighth floor
is unacceptable.
[SOFTLY] My fans can't hear my mouth sounds.
I'm so sorry, I can't hear you.
That's the point, Georgina.
He says that's the point, Georgina.
This is taking too long. Make a video. Tell your 25 million subscribers
to never stay at this crap hotel.
No, no, no. I'll take care of it.
Let me talk to my general manager.
[SOFTLY] You better run. Matt, don't yell.
You'll strain your beautiful voice.
PERALTA: Once we hack into the computer
and get the override code,
Trudy will put on a housekeeper's uniform
and I will gracefully hide in her cart.
I got it myself.
PERALTA: Then, after the Russian goes out for the night,
Trudy will show up for turn-down service
and I sneak out when the guards are distracted
by Trudy's signature sexy housekeeping.
[MOANING]
PERALTA: Trudy will then exit, leaving me behind in the suite
so I can unlock the balcony door for Chuck and Doug,
who are waiting outside on the window washer's rig.
Chuck will bring the stolen diamonds and I'll use
the override code to put them back where they belong.
Then, we head down to the room where we party like hell.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Trudy Judy…
It's exactly 14, just like you promised.
You did promise her butts.
-[SOFTLY] I know. -[SOFTLY] Yeah.
SCULLY: Mmm. The smell of fresh cooked pizza.
Where are we? Rome, Italy?
Guys, you got the vending machine you wanted.
You can stop with the play acting.
BOYLE: I don't think that's scripted.
That's just them talking about pizza.
SCULLY: Yum, yum, yum.
Man, I shouldn't have pushed for the fish ball machine.
I should've just played it safe
and gone for the fish cake machine.
So you don't think the fish part was the problem?
I don't.
SANTIAGO: Well, at least they're happy.
Look at 'em.
-[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING] -[SCULLY AND HITCHCOCK SCREAMING]
SCULLY: My pizza!
TRUDY JUDY: Ooh. You did it, Peralta.
You pulled off the reverse heist.
This whole time I thought you were a bitch.
But truth is, you're actually that bitch!
-He is, isn't he? He's that bitch. -TRUDY JUDY: Mmm-hmm.
I don't know if I want that nickname to stick.
-[KNOCKING ON DOOR] -Ooh, I hope my butts are back.
DOUG JUDY: I do not like how butts have become your thing, Trudy.
You used to love horses.
Horses have butts.
Guys, it's not butts. I'm so sorry, Doug.
Miami PD!
It's just those three back there.
OFFICER: Hands on the table.
Jake, what the hell?
Cops always be copping.
Hey! Hey there, friends.
I tried to flag down your taxi as you were leaving
the police station. It was actually funny,
'cause we made a lot of eye contact,
but you just drove off. Anyways, I'm here now.
We can go. You want us to take you back to New York
after you got my friends arrested?
Nah-uh, you flying commercial, son.
DOUG JUDY: I hope you get a middle seat.
I hope they charge you for your carry-ons.
I hope you sit next to someone chatty.
Someone going through something real hard.
I hope the pilot makes an announcement during
the emotional climax of the movie you're watching.
Ooh, you nasty!
Damn, Doug and Trudy Judy.
Look, I'm sorry, but it was grand larceny.
I couldn't just let them get away with it.
Well, if you were gonna arrest them anyway,
why bother with the reverse heist?
It's like Trudy said. We didn't have the diamonds.
It wasn't enough evidence.
But we put them back. Yeah, only because I was there.
Not to mention the fact that I was fully complicit.
I could've gone to jail. Wait, we destroyed your phone.
How did you call for backup?
That was actually easy. When Doug was distracted, yelling at the concierge…
Let me talk to my general manager.
PERALTA: I swapped out my waterlogged phone for his.
Damn, I would've noticed that if I wasn't trying
to live in the moment and not look at my phone so much.
And then when I was hidden in the cart, I called the cops.
Mmm, impossible. I would've heard you.
Not with the Smush Shush!
[WHISPERS] This is Jake Peralta.
I'm a detective with the NYPD.
[GROANS] Foot cramp, foot cramp.
First of all, how dare you?
Second of all, will you call Barbara Corcoran
and tell her that this product is not useless?
I don't know her.
I'm sorry that I betrayed you, Doug,
but I'm a cop. I didn't have a choice.
We can still be friends, right?
I don't know. Did you even illegally download that O-Town album?
No. [SCOFFS]
I bought it at their concert.
It came bundled with a sweatshirt.
You make me sick.
Disgusting.
Doug! Trudy! Judys!
Hey, sir. I'm sure you're still mad at us.
Just you, not Diaz.
Okay, well, I can't get that card back,
but I did bring you these.
They're business cards of people you've helped.
One mistake did not make you the cop you are today.
Thirty years of service to the community did.
That should be your motivation.
I know you can't remember their names, but…
Alex Chen.
I do remember him. 36-year-old male,
carjacked at the corner of 7th Avenue and 11th Street.
Had three siblings, Alice, Arlene, and Anna.
Okay, so you remember Alex Chen.
Yes, and I really helped him.
Perhaps he'll be my new Zeff.
Welcome back, Captain Holt. I'm really glad we could help you with this.
Oh, no, you're not gonna just jump back in here
now that it all worked out!
Thank you, Diaz. No!
No, thank Terry. I did this!
Oh, I'm done. You know what,
I did all of this. This was all me!
This is ridiculous!
We barely got to know her.
HITCHCOCK: And now we never will.
I feel so bad for them,
but what do you say to someone
that's suffered this kind of loss?
I mean, it's kind of on them for not checking
the voltage on a machine that had a built-in air-fryer.
Don't blame the victim, Amy.
BOYLE: Okay, guys, look. I know this is sad,
but maybe everything happens for a reason.
What reason could there possibly be
for the pain I'm feeling?
Look, I probably shouldn't be telling you this because
I know you'll abuse it,
but when there's no third machine,
you can come back here
and do this.
Everything happens for a reason.
Peralta! You have to see this.
Guy got brought in this morning.
Look what we found on him.
Yeah, I get it, Rosa.
Every perp in the city is invited and I'm not.
But I… Wait a minute, why is my name on this?
'Cause you're coming to the wedding, baby!
What's going on? You're not mad at me anymore?
I arrested your best man.
Just like I wanted you to.
I was putting on a show in front of Trudy. What?
Katherine, my fiancée,
doesn't want any of my crook friends coming to the wedding.
She's a federal judge, how would that look?
Okay, but couldn't you just tell them they're not invited?
Uh, that's an uncomfortable conversation to have.
It was much easier this way.
Oh, my God. This whole thing was a set up?
[CHUCKLES] You wanted me to find that invitation.
Mmm-hmm. You knew I would never go on a trip
with a bunch of crooks unless I felt unwanted.
Classic negging.
I bet you planned to have your bachelor party at that hotel
because you knew the oligarch was staying there.
Hell, yeah, otherwise I would've got an Airbnb.
And as soon as your friends committed a crime,
you banked on me needing to arrest them.
Damn right. You're the most consistent person
in my life, Peralta. I can always count on you.
But, there is one detail you missed.
You never saw what I was painting
on the inside of my mug
at the pottery place.
PERALTA: "Will you be my best man"?
Judy, is this for real?
It ain't fiction.
-♪ Just a natural fact ♪ -What?
BOTH: ♪ We come together ♪
-♪ 'Cause opposites attract ♪ -I'll do it!
[EXCLAIMS]
BOTH: ♪ I'm MC Kat on the rap so, mic it ♪
♪ Here's a little story and you're sure to like it ♪
The worst rap! [LAUGHS]