1
00:00:05,437 --> 00:00:06,730
Thanks, everybody for coming out
2
00:00:06,814 --> 00:00:08,023
to Hitchcock's divorce party.
3
00:00:08,107 --> 00:00:09,482
Why is the cake two men getting married?
4
00:00:09,566 --> 00:00:11,276
That's me and Hitchcock.
The boys are back together.
5
00:00:11,360 --> 00:00:12,736
This cake is for a gay wedding.
6
00:00:12,820 --> 00:00:13,987
The inside is a rainbow.
7
00:00:14,071 --> 00:00:16,471
Nuh-uh, it's my favorite
flavor, all the flavors.
8
00:00:16,656 --> 00:00:18,365
HITCHCOCK: I can't
believe Bethany's gone.
9
00:00:18,449 --> 00:00:19,908
It was so out of the blue.
10
00:00:19,992 --> 00:00:21,827
Well, not entirely.
I mean, she did have an affair
11
00:00:21,911 --> 00:00:22,911
with her hairdresser
12
00:00:22,995 --> 00:00:24,747
and you filmed it and
threatened to release the tape.
13
00:00:24,831 --> 00:00:27,207
And then she said she didn't care
and put it on the Internet herself.
14
00:00:27,291 --> 00:00:29,627
And then when it started to make
money you sued her for half the profits.
15
00:00:29,711 --> 00:00:32,061
And then boom!
Out of the blue, divorce papers.
16
00:00:32,213 --> 00:00:33,213
SCULLY: Ah, buddy, you'll be okay.
17
00:00:33,297 --> 00:00:36,759
It doesn't feel like it.
My heart is ruined forever.
18
00:00:36,926 --> 00:00:39,429
I'm done with love.
I'll never find anyone as…
19
00:00:39,637 --> 00:00:40,888
Oh, my God!
20
00:00:40,972 --> 00:00:42,473
Get a load of the can on her.
21
00:00:42,640 --> 00:00:43,641
See you, dorks!
22
00:00:43,766 --> 00:00:44,851
I'm gonna get some.
23
00:00:45,017 --> 00:00:47,227
Well, Hitchcock still sucks.
24
00:00:47,394 --> 00:00:49,396
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
25
00:01:07,706 --> 00:01:10,917
Hey, did you get my sexy calendar invite?
26
00:01:11,042 --> 00:01:13,711
You mean the one titled,
"8 p.m. coitus."
27
00:01:13,795 --> 00:01:16,338
Yes. And the one titled, "7:55 foreplay."
28
00:01:16,422 --> 00:01:17,881
You didn't accept either invite.
29
00:01:17,965 --> 00:01:20,258
Oh, I can start foreplay later.
30
00:01:20,342 --> 00:01:22,135
No, no, no. I love foreplay, as you know.
31
00:01:22,219 --> 00:01:24,971
It's just this is all feeling a
little over-scheduled, you know.
32
00:01:25,055 --> 00:01:27,892
It might be taking some of
the fun out of making a baby.
33
00:01:28,100 --> 00:01:31,061
Oh, Okay. Um, so what are you suggesting?
34
00:01:31,145 --> 00:01:33,314
Maybe we try this… The Jake Way.
35
00:01:33,481 --> 00:01:35,148
Eating dinner starting with dessert?
36
00:01:35,232 --> 00:01:37,401
That's one Jake Way.
You know, the Jake Way is a brand.
37
00:01:37,485 --> 00:01:38,694
It encompasses a whole lifestyle.
38
00:01:38,778 --> 00:01:40,445
So get ready, because this month
39
00:01:40,529 --> 00:01:42,740
we're making a baby The Jake Way.
40
00:01:43,073 --> 00:01:44,784
Okay, I'm in. Sounds fun.
41
00:01:45,075 --> 00:01:46,826
So are we doing it tonight or…
42
00:01:46,910 --> 00:01:49,328
No, no, no. The Jake Way
does not believe in scheduling.
43
00:01:49,412 --> 00:01:50,955
You gotta just let go.
44
00:01:51,039 --> 00:01:52,248
You don't know what The Jake Way is.
45
00:01:52,332 --> 00:01:53,666
Nope, but we've got a name for it,
46
00:01:53,750 --> 00:01:55,960
and that's a great start. The Jake Way!
47
00:01:56,628 --> 00:01:58,337
Lieutenant, as you
know, I've been walking
48
00:01:58,421 --> 00:02:00,214
the same beat for the past three weeks.
49
00:02:00,298 --> 00:02:02,091
It's become a bit tedious.
50
00:02:02,175 --> 00:02:03,510
I thought you love tedium.
51
00:02:03,635 --> 00:02:05,261
I love monotony. They're very different.
52
00:02:05,345 --> 00:02:07,388
I'm sorry, but, you
know, our policy is that
53
00:02:07,472 --> 00:02:10,391
uniformed officers must walk
the same beat for six months.
54
00:02:10,475 --> 00:02:12,643
It's how they become familiar
with the community they serve.
55
00:02:12,727 --> 00:02:14,395
Well, surely you can
make an exception for me.
56
00:02:14,479 --> 00:02:15,521
I can't play favorites.
57
00:02:15,605 --> 00:02:16,855
You never did when you were in charge.
58
00:02:16,939 --> 00:02:17,939
Of course I did.
59
00:02:18,023 --> 00:02:19,816
Really?
I never got any special treatment.
60
00:02:19,900 --> 00:02:21,550
I think you can do the math here.
61
00:02:22,319 --> 00:02:24,154
Damn. Well, think of it this way.
62
00:02:24,238 --> 00:02:25,655
It's like doing reps at a gym.
63
00:02:25,739 --> 00:02:27,365
Doing something over and over again,
64
00:02:27,449 --> 00:02:28,700
is how you make your pecks pop.
65
00:02:28,784 --> 00:02:31,161
The only muscle I care
to work out is my brain.
66
00:02:31,286 --> 00:02:33,789
Then get your reps in
and make your brain pop.
67
00:02:33,914 --> 00:02:35,081
Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
68
00:02:35,165 --> 00:02:37,375
What you're describing is an aneurysm.
69
00:02:37,459 --> 00:02:39,461
Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.
70
00:02:39,586 --> 00:02:41,629
It's official. I'm in love.
71
00:02:41,713 --> 00:02:44,213
I just spent the night with
the woman of my dreams.
72
00:02:44,341 --> 00:02:45,717
The lady from your divorce party?
73
00:02:45,801 --> 00:02:47,009
Yeah, she's my soul mate.
74
00:02:47,093 --> 00:02:48,218
She's funny. She's beautiful.
75
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:49,511
She has almost no scars.
76
00:02:49,595 --> 00:02:50,637
Hot biscuits.
77
00:02:50,721 --> 00:02:52,222
It sounds like you hooked a live one.
78
00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:54,016
I know.
We walked along the river for hours
79
00:02:54,100 --> 00:02:55,392
just talking and laughing.
80
00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:58,062
She even gave me her real number.
81
00:02:58,187 --> 00:02:59,237
Really? Check it out.
82
00:03:00,106 --> 00:03:01,982
Just a dirty old napkin covered in sauce.
83
00:03:02,066 --> 00:03:04,652
Oh, no! Her number! It's totally ruined.
84
00:03:04,777 --> 00:03:06,487
I knew I shouldn't have
had those breakfast wings.
85
00:03:06,571 --> 00:03:07,738
Oh, bud, I'm so sorry.
86
00:03:07,822 --> 00:03:10,282
Now all I have to
remember her by this tooth.
87
00:03:10,366 --> 00:03:11,992
What the hell? Why do you have that?
88
00:03:12,076 --> 00:03:13,786
We were eating pizza.
It fell out of her mouth.
89
00:03:13,870 --> 00:03:15,829
Well, that's just perfect.
We can use it to find her.
90
00:03:15,913 --> 00:03:16,996
What do you mean?
91
00:03:17,080 --> 00:03:18,706
We just have to try fitting
that tooth into the mouth
92
00:03:18,790 --> 00:03:20,166
of every woman in New York City
93
00:03:20,250 --> 00:03:23,100
until we find the matching
gum hole of your one true love.
94
00:03:24,170 --> 00:03:27,007
My life is like a fairy tale.
95
00:03:27,132 --> 00:03:28,966
So, Lieutenant, sorry
to take up your time.
96
00:03:29,050 --> 00:03:31,803
I just want to go over the CompStat
numbers with you real quick.
97
00:03:31,887 --> 00:03:34,138
Um, what the… Is something wrong?
98
00:03:34,222 --> 00:03:35,672
Are the CompStat numbers bad?
99
00:03:37,726 --> 00:03:39,811
The numbers are fine and I have to go.
100
00:03:39,978 --> 00:03:42,104
Oh, okay, then why'd
you ask for this meeting?
101
00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:43,231
Don't follow me, Terry.
102
00:03:43,315 --> 00:03:44,607
What? I wasn't going to.
103
00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:47,235
This was a very confusing interaction.
104
00:03:47,568 --> 00:03:49,168
-[PHONE VIBRATING]
-SANTIAGO: Ooh.
105
00:03:49,862 --> 00:03:50,862
Hello.
106
00:03:50,946 --> 00:03:52,113
PERALTA [SOFTLY]:
Hello, Sergeant Santiago.
107
00:03:52,197 --> 00:03:53,782
I've taken your husband hostage.
108
00:03:53,866 --> 00:03:57,577
If you ever want to make a baby
with him, you'll do exactly as I say.
109
00:03:57,661 --> 00:03:58,870
Jake, where are you?
110
00:03:58,954 --> 00:04:02,499
Oh, this isn't Jake. This is the
Syndicate and you will never see us
111
00:04:02,583 --> 00:04:04,209
because we are everywhere and…
112
00:04:04,293 --> 00:04:05,293
You're by the elevators.
113
00:04:05,377 --> 00:04:07,588
Damn it! Look away. Look away! Okay!
114
00:04:07,713 --> 00:04:09,047
Yes, that's better.
115
00:04:09,131 --> 00:04:11,091
On top of the copier, there's a headset.
116
00:04:11,175 --> 00:04:13,635
Put it on and get in the
limo that's waiting out front.
117
00:04:13,719 --> 00:04:15,053
Mmm. Okay. I love you.
118
00:04:15,137 --> 00:04:16,388
I love you too. Now go.
119
00:04:19,557 --> 00:04:20,558
Are you Amy?
120
00:04:20,642 --> 00:04:22,310
-PERALTA: Tell him, "Yes."
-Yes.
121
00:04:22,477 --> 00:04:24,896
How does it feel to be
played like a puppet?
122
00:04:25,271 --> 00:04:28,149
Okay, I'm walking into the apartment.
123
00:04:28,983 --> 00:04:31,485
Why did you have me
get $400 out of the ATM?
124
00:04:31,569 --> 00:04:33,821
Good question.
It's to pay for the Airbnb.
125
00:04:33,905 --> 00:04:35,865
You're giving them $400 in cash?
126
00:04:35,949 --> 00:04:38,617
I broke several lamps while
trying to hide in the dark.
127
00:04:38,701 --> 00:04:40,662
-Now turn on the lights.
-Okay.
128
00:04:41,829 --> 00:04:43,289
Hello. It's me.
129
00:04:43,373 --> 00:04:44,415
Put down the drinks.
130
00:04:44,499 --> 00:04:45,541
Why, are you upset?
131
00:04:45,625 --> 00:04:47,792
Yeah.
And now I have to take the Syndicate down.
132
00:04:47,876 --> 00:04:48,877
Oh, my goodness.
133
00:04:48,961 --> 00:04:50,879
To be clear, by "take down the
Syndicate", you mean we're gonna…
134
00:04:50,963 --> 00:04:52,255
We're going to have sex. Okay, great.
135
00:04:52,339 --> 00:04:54,007
Yes, absolutely. Take your clothes off.
136
00:04:54,091 --> 00:04:56,384
Boyle, what are those? My guinea pigs.
137
00:04:56,468 --> 00:05:00,013
This lady is Claire, and
this guy is also named Claire.
138
00:05:00,097 --> 00:05:02,849
You can't have pets in here.
This is a police precinct.
139
00:05:02,933 --> 00:05:04,017
I know. I'm sorry.
140
00:05:04,101 --> 00:05:05,602
I got them for Nikolaj's birthday,
141
00:05:05,686 --> 00:05:06,811
but it turns out he's allergic
142
00:05:06,895 --> 00:05:08,354
and the pet store won't take them back.
143
00:05:08,438 --> 00:05:09,689
I got a friend who works in a lab.
144
00:05:09,773 --> 00:05:12,442
I can call and see if they need
any guinea pigs for their research.
145
00:05:12,526 --> 00:05:14,569
They are not science experiments.
146
00:05:14,653 --> 00:05:17,071
They are living creatures
with rich inner lives.
147
00:05:17,155 --> 00:05:19,323
Claire number two is
stuck on his back like a bug.
148
00:05:19,407 --> 00:05:20,457
Oh, I'll handle this.
149
00:05:21,075 --> 00:05:22,910
Oh. Flip, flip.
150
00:05:22,994 --> 00:05:24,036
Oh, I flipped the wrong Claire.
151
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:26,330
Stop flipping guinea pigs
and get them out of here.
152
00:05:26,414 --> 00:05:28,264
I'll make them disappear, Lieutenant.
153
00:05:28,499 --> 00:05:30,417
Whoa, don't kill them.
154
00:05:30,501 --> 00:05:31,752
They have so much to live for.
155
00:05:31,836 --> 00:05:33,295
They haven't even been to Manhattan yet.
156
00:05:33,379 --> 00:05:34,755
Okay. Coast is clear.
I know a safe place.
157
00:05:34,839 --> 00:05:36,465
We can hide these guys until
we can find homes for them.
158
00:05:36,549 --> 00:05:37,925
You're not going to murder them?
Hell, no!
159
00:05:38,009 --> 00:05:39,885
I love animals, I'm the
mushy one on the squad.
160
00:05:39,969 --> 00:05:41,262
Right, of course.
161
00:05:43,347 --> 00:05:44,806
This is it. Supply closet K.
162
00:05:44,890 --> 00:05:46,099
It's full of CPR training babies.
163
00:05:46,183 --> 00:05:48,383
No one goes in there
because it's too creepy.
164
00:05:49,853 --> 00:05:52,439
Oh, my God, it's perfect.
165
00:05:52,814 --> 00:05:54,565
Well, I don't want
to take all the credit,
166
00:05:54,649 --> 00:05:55,900
but I'm pretty sure doing it
167
00:05:55,984 --> 00:05:58,284
The Jake Way worked
and we're getting pregnant.
168
00:05:58,403 --> 00:05:59,654
That would be incredible.
169
00:05:59,738 --> 00:06:03,074
But, feels like you're setting
us up for disappointment.
170
00:06:03,158 --> 00:06:06,494
No, I'm just being optimistic.
You're amazing.
171
00:06:06,578 --> 00:06:08,871
We're amazing. And it definitely worked.
172
00:06:08,955 --> 00:06:10,040
Didn't work.
173
00:06:10,165 --> 00:06:11,457
Oh, I knew it. I got bum nards.
174
00:06:11,541 --> 00:06:13,209
Jake! Right. Gotta stay optimistic.
175
00:06:13,293 --> 00:06:14,544
We can do this.
176
00:06:17,297 --> 00:06:18,947
PERALTA: So, how are you feeling?
177
00:06:19,048 --> 00:06:20,465
Well, I'm pretty bummed, but…
178
00:06:20,549 --> 00:06:22,258
Amy, could you open your mouth for me?
179
00:06:22,342 --> 00:06:23,635
What? No.
180
00:06:23,719 --> 00:06:25,845
Forget it. I just saw.
She's got all her teeth. [SCOFFS]
181
00:06:25,929 --> 00:06:27,431
Bah! Even the back ones.
182
00:06:27,639 --> 00:06:28,765
Did that turn your mood around?
183
00:06:28,849 --> 00:06:32,727
Nope, but it's okay. I figured out
how we're going to get pregnant.
184
00:06:32,811 --> 00:06:34,479
By doubling down on The Jake Way.
185
00:06:34,563 --> 00:06:36,898
Ooh, do you think we could rent the
phone booth from the movie Phone Booth?
186
00:06:36,982 --> 00:06:39,609
No. From now on we're
going to do it The Amy Way.
187
00:06:39,693 --> 00:06:41,945
Does that mean we're going back
to the overly scheduled sex thing?
188
00:06:42,029 --> 00:06:43,822
No, we're going to go way more scheduled.
189
00:06:43,906 --> 00:06:45,574
So, even less fun. Big time!
190
00:06:45,699 --> 00:06:47,534
This is a test, and we're failing
191
00:06:47,618 --> 00:06:49,243
because we're not studying hard enough.
192
00:06:49,327 --> 00:06:53,247
Or maybe, this is just one of
those tests that you can't study for.
193
00:06:53,581 --> 00:06:55,208
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
194
00:06:55,917 --> 00:06:57,317
Oh, wow, that's a new laugh.
195
00:06:57,460 --> 00:06:59,044
Come on, we're going binder shopping.
196
00:06:59,128 --> 00:07:00,630
[SIGHS WEARILY]
197
00:07:00,838 --> 00:07:03,298
Off to walk my beat
again, much like Sisyphus,
198
00:07:03,382 --> 00:07:07,302
condemned to push the same boulder
up the same hill, day in and day out.
199
00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:09,972
You know, according to French
philosopher, Albert Camus,
200
00:07:10,056 --> 00:07:12,975
Sisyphus achieved happiness
in that absurd repetition.
201
00:07:13,101 --> 00:07:15,561
Any French philosophy post-Rousseau
202
00:07:15,645 --> 00:07:17,355
is essentially a magazine.
203
00:07:18,481 --> 00:07:19,689
You rube.
204
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:23,524
Oh, hey, Boyle, do you have
the Sixth Street case files?
205
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:25,903
Wait. What's that?
206
00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:28,365
Uh, this? It's my water bottle.
207
00:07:28,532 --> 00:07:30,908
It looks like a water bottle
from a guinea pig cage.
208
00:07:30,992 --> 00:07:32,785
True, I got it for the guinea pigs,
209
00:07:32,869 --> 00:07:34,370
but, they're not here anymore.
210
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,754
So I decided to be green
and use it for myself.
211
00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:41,878
Ah! Thirst quenched.
212
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:43,629
What took you so long? [SIGHS]
213
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:46,591
Terry almost caught me. Had to
drink from the guinea pig's water bottle.
214
00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:47,676
Amazingly, he…
215
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:49,010
Totally bought you'd do that. Mmm-hmm.
216
00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:50,177
Yeah, I'm not surprised at all.
217
00:07:50,261 --> 00:07:52,512
Good news, my niece will take the
two Claires. She wants them as pets.
218
00:07:52,596 --> 00:07:56,224
That is great. Okay, now we just
need to find a home for ten more.
219
00:07:56,308 --> 00:07:57,393
Ten?
220
00:07:58,227 --> 00:08:01,229
Boy Claire got girl Claire pregnant,
made a bunch of little baby Claires.
221
00:08:01,313 --> 00:08:03,356
-Oh, they're having sex again. Oh, Claire.
-[GUINEA PIGS SQUEAKING]
222
00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:05,025
Oh, Claire. Claire. Claire.
223
00:08:05,484 --> 00:08:07,861
I got to say, I'm loving these.
224
00:08:07,945 --> 00:08:09,321
I always wanted to wear hammer pants.
225
00:08:09,405 --> 00:08:10,489
Stop. Hammer time?
226
00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:13,200
No. Stop joking around.
You're wearing those pants
227
00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:15,285
to keep your testicles away
from your body's warm core
228
00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:16,703
so your sperm don't overheat.
229
00:08:16,787 --> 00:08:18,747
Well, I am loving the breeze.
I feel like I'm 83.
230
00:08:18,831 --> 00:08:21,499
All right, focus up.
This is our pregnancy war room.
231
00:08:21,583 --> 00:08:24,293
On the master calendar, we
will track ovulation windows,
232
00:08:24,377 --> 00:08:26,796
menstruation cycles
and every uterine deposit.
233
00:08:26,921 --> 00:08:28,547
"Uterine deposit"?
Is that we're calling sex now?
234
00:08:28,631 --> 00:08:29,632
It seems a little clinical.
235
00:08:29,716 --> 00:08:32,802
Well, you could always
shorten it to UD or "ud."
236
00:08:33,219 --> 00:08:34,303
Yeah, I don't want to do that.
237
00:08:34,387 --> 00:08:37,473
Here's a list of everything you cannot
eat while we're trying to conceive.
238
00:08:37,557 --> 00:08:40,434
No more nachos, even if they're
in a novelty baseball helmet?
239
00:08:40,518 --> 00:08:42,978
No. Whoa, this is serious.
240
00:08:43,062 --> 00:08:45,981
You will adhere to a strict exercise
regimen and sleep schedule.
241
00:08:46,065 --> 00:08:48,442
Also, no more video games
because they cause stress
242
00:08:48,526 --> 00:08:49,860
and they raise your heart rate.
243
00:08:49,944 --> 00:08:51,111
More stress than being a police officer?
244
00:08:51,195 --> 00:08:53,029
Jake, I've seen you play Mario Party.
245
00:08:53,113 --> 00:08:54,489
Wario cheats!
246
00:08:54,698 --> 00:08:57,325
I'm just saying, Wario cheats.
It's a stupid game.
247
00:08:57,409 --> 00:09:00,370
Look, I know it isn't easy,
but this could increase
248
00:09:00,454 --> 00:09:02,747
our chances of getting pregnant by 19%.
249
00:09:02,831 --> 00:09:05,208
Yeah. Of course. Absolutely.
So how do we get it started?
250
00:09:05,292 --> 00:09:06,835
Dim the lights, put on some music?
251
00:09:06,919 --> 00:09:08,378
Swallow 35 vitamins each.
252
00:09:08,503 --> 00:09:10,005
PERALTA: Oh, cheers.
253
00:09:11,173 --> 00:09:12,173
Oh.
254
00:09:12,257 --> 00:09:13,842
Let's make a baby!
255
00:09:17,763 --> 00:09:19,806
I probably should have
had some water ready.
256
00:09:19,890 --> 00:09:23,934
Okay, basal body temperature is optimal.
257
00:09:24,018 --> 00:09:25,228
Let's do this quickly.
258
00:09:25,353 --> 00:09:28,397
Oh, Amy, I'm not some faucet
that you can just turn on and off.
259
00:09:28,481 --> 00:09:30,733
You gotta romance me.
Faucet's on, let's ud.
260
00:09:31,150 --> 00:09:32,652
Thank you. [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
261
00:09:32,944 --> 00:09:34,144
Okay. [SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
262
00:09:34,278 --> 00:09:35,321
Okay.
263
00:09:36,030 --> 00:09:37,114
[BARKS]
264
00:09:39,033 --> 00:09:40,034
MAN: Sorry.
265
00:09:40,159 --> 00:09:41,827
Thought you separated
the males and females.
266
00:09:41,911 --> 00:09:43,495
Well, it's hard.
They're all named Claire.
267
00:09:43,579 --> 00:09:44,789
You named them Claire.
268
00:09:50,002 --> 00:09:51,544
Oh, come on.
269
00:09:51,628 --> 00:09:54,046
It's like every woman in
this city has all of her teeth.
270
00:09:54,130 --> 00:09:56,299
Stupid Bloomberg and his stupid soda ban.
271
00:09:56,633 --> 00:09:59,219
-[ALARM BEEPING]
-Okay, 6:14, it's ud o'clock.
272
00:09:59,469 --> 00:10:01,262
Okay. Here we go.
273
00:10:01,346 --> 00:10:02,430
Mmm-hmm.
274
00:10:02,555 --> 00:10:04,432
So this bag of pellets is your lunch?
275
00:10:04,516 --> 00:10:07,268
Yep. It's a perfect food for the
human man. You want some?
276
00:10:07,352 --> 00:10:08,395
No!
277
00:10:15,610 --> 00:10:16,760
[BOTH SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
278
00:10:21,198 --> 00:10:22,199
MAN: Sorry.
279
00:10:24,451 --> 00:10:26,161
Where were you? You're 19 minutes late.
280
00:10:26,245 --> 00:10:27,537
My temperature's shot to hell.
281
00:10:27,621 --> 00:10:29,956
I know. I'm sorry.
I got detained by the transit cops
282
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,167
because my baggy pants
fell off on the subway.
283
00:10:32,251 --> 00:10:33,919
Let's just ud and get it over with.
284
00:10:34,003 --> 00:10:35,003
Oh, my God.
285
00:10:35,087 --> 00:10:36,755
-There's so many of them.
-[GUINEA PIGS SQUEAKING]
286
00:10:36,839 --> 00:10:39,675
Sit. Yeah. Good boy.
287
00:10:45,389 --> 00:10:46,681
You awake? Nope. You?
288
00:10:46,765 --> 00:10:49,268
No, let's do this. Okay.
289
00:10:49,518 --> 00:10:50,518
Shirts on?
290
00:10:50,602 --> 00:10:51,644
Definitely. Okay.
291
00:10:51,853 --> 00:10:53,003
[BOTH SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
292
00:10:55,148 --> 00:10:56,232
Ah!
293
00:10:56,316 --> 00:10:57,525
Make it a double.
294
00:10:57,650 --> 00:11:00,486
My heart has a hole in it.
I might as well fill it with booze.
295
00:11:00,570 --> 00:11:03,406
Same for me, except
my hole is in my mouth.
296
00:11:04,324 --> 00:11:07,160
It's you! My toothless Cinderella.
297
00:11:08,161 --> 00:11:12,081
Well, that was
definitely, technically sex.
298
00:11:12,165 --> 00:11:13,207
Yup.
299
00:11:14,083 --> 00:11:15,233
Maybe that was the one.
300
00:11:15,376 --> 00:11:16,835
Nope. Not the one.
301
00:11:16,919 --> 00:11:18,963
[SIGHS] I'm so exhausted.
302
00:11:19,130 --> 00:11:21,464
Me too. But the doctor
said that it could take a while.
303
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:25,248
I know. It's just, we're doing everything
right and it's still not working.
304
00:11:25,427 --> 00:11:27,804
What kind of perfect person
you have to be to get pregnant?
305
00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,431
We're having a baby.
306
00:11:30,474 --> 00:11:31,933
Oh, rot in hell!
307
00:11:35,479 --> 00:11:36,771
Congratulations, Hitchcock.
308
00:11:36,855 --> 00:11:38,940
It's the first wedding I've ever
been to with a cover charge.
309
00:11:39,024 --> 00:11:41,609
It's for our honeymoon. We're going
to Barbados and we'll have the island
310
00:11:41,693 --> 00:11:44,279
all to ourselves because
it's dengue fever season.
311
00:11:44,363 --> 00:11:45,613
But your wife is pregnant.
312
00:11:45,697 --> 00:11:46,823
You can't live in fear.
313
00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:49,993
Don't wanna spend every moment
worried about dengue or black mold,
314
00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:52,828
or those weird spots on the
MRI they found on your brain.
315
00:11:52,912 --> 00:11:54,204
Hitchcock, is your brain okay?
316
00:11:54,288 --> 00:11:55,956
The point is, I don't care.
317
00:11:56,123 --> 00:11:58,709
Also, Anna's family's from the old
country and kind of conservative,
318
00:11:58,793 --> 00:12:00,168
so try not to mention the baby to them.
319
00:12:00,252 --> 00:12:02,045
Perfect.
I'll just do what I always do at weddings.
320
00:12:02,129 --> 00:12:03,964
Not talk to anyone I don't know already.
321
00:12:04,048 --> 00:12:06,967
You're the best, Jake.
That's why you're the baby's godfather.
322
00:12:07,051 --> 00:12:08,177
Wait, I am?
323
00:12:08,677 --> 00:12:11,377
[SIGHS] I can't believe
they're pregnant and we're not.
324
00:12:11,722 --> 00:12:12,764
How did they do it?
325
00:12:12,848 --> 00:12:15,517
They got drunk and had sex
in a public park next to a skunk.
326
00:12:15,601 --> 00:12:17,894
Hitchcock sent me a very
long text with a lot of details in it.
327
00:12:17,978 --> 00:12:19,479
I think it was meant for Scully.
328
00:12:19,563 --> 00:12:21,440
Ugh. The world is officially upside down.
329
00:12:21,524 --> 00:12:23,358
Wait a minute. Maybe that's it.
330
00:12:23,608 --> 00:12:25,026
We tried getting pregnant The Jake Way.
331
00:12:25,110 --> 00:12:27,611
We tried The Amy Way.
Maybe it's time we tried it…
332
00:12:27,695 --> 00:12:28,947
The Hitchcock Way.
333
00:12:29,114 --> 00:12:30,323
What's The Hitchcock Way?
334
00:12:30,407 --> 00:12:33,007
In every situation, make
the worst possible decision.
335
00:12:33,576 --> 00:12:35,745
Okay. What the hell.
Nothing else is working.
336
00:12:35,829 --> 00:12:36,996
Let's try The Hitchcock Way.
337
00:12:37,080 --> 00:12:39,541
All right? So first move, get hammered.
338
00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:41,459
[GRUNTS] Drink up!
339
00:12:41,709 --> 00:12:42,752
Uh, these are someone else's.
340
00:12:42,836 --> 00:12:43,878
There's lipstick on mine.
341
00:12:43,962 --> 00:12:45,004
Yeah, there's a cigarette in mine.
342
00:12:45,088 --> 00:12:46,922
But we're doing it The
Hitchcock Way, so bottoms up.
343
00:12:47,006 --> 00:12:48,007
All right.
344
00:12:49,384 --> 00:12:52,678
Uh, for those of you that don't
know me, my name is Norm Scully.
345
00:12:52,970 --> 00:12:54,346
Uh, Hitchcock is my partner,
346
00:12:54,430 --> 00:12:55,722
and he's also my best friend.
347
00:12:55,806 --> 00:12:58,224
He buys the bear claws I
like when we're on a stakeout
348
00:12:58,308 --> 00:13:00,978
or when we're just in
the office or at home.
349
00:13:01,395 --> 00:13:02,396
I love him.
350
00:13:02,688 --> 00:13:05,357
Anna Rubov, do you
promise to love and cherish
351
00:13:05,441 --> 00:13:06,441
Michael Hitchcock
352
00:13:06,525 --> 00:13:07,901
as much as I have loved him.
353
00:13:07,985 --> 00:13:08,985
I do.
354
00:13:09,069 --> 00:13:11,446
And Michael Hitchcock, do
you agree to shower Anna
355
00:13:11,530 --> 00:13:13,073
with the same love and kindness
356
00:13:13,157 --> 00:13:15,617
you've shown me these
30 wonderful years together.
357
00:13:15,701 --> 00:13:16,743
I do.
358
00:13:16,827 --> 00:13:18,870
Dang. Terry didn't know
this was gonna be so sweet.
359
00:13:18,954 --> 00:13:20,704
SCULLY: You may now kiss the bride.
360
00:13:27,378 --> 00:13:28,629
BOYLE: Hey, Rosa, good news.
361
00:13:28,713 --> 00:13:31,757
I just talked to someone who
said he'd take all of the guinea pigs.
362
00:13:31,841 --> 00:13:33,342
All 600? Why would he do that?
363
00:13:33,426 --> 00:13:34,468
I didn't ask, I just said yes.
364
00:13:34,552 --> 00:13:35,719
Our prayers have been answered.
365
00:13:35,803 --> 00:13:38,222
Who is this guy? We gotta check
him out, make sure he's not weird.
366
00:13:38,306 --> 00:13:39,640
He's just a normal guy.
367
00:13:39,724 --> 00:13:40,933
He's a friend of Hitchcock's.
368
00:13:41,017 --> 00:13:42,417
Yep, we gotta check him out.
369
00:13:48,024 --> 00:13:50,317
Yeah, he's gonna turn them into toupees.
Oh, my God. He is.
370
00:13:50,401 --> 00:13:53,361
The Hitchcock Way is exactly
what we needed, you know.
371
00:13:53,445 --> 00:13:54,487
And these last six months
372
00:13:54,571 --> 00:13:55,738
have actually been pretty hard.
373
00:13:55,822 --> 00:13:58,366
Mmm, no.
Hitchcock doesn't dwell on the past.
374
00:13:58,492 --> 00:14:02,620
Hitchcock forgets about the past
because of the spots on his brain.
375
00:14:02,704 --> 00:14:04,206
Yes, to brain spots.
376
00:14:06,708 --> 00:14:07,709
BOTH: Oh!
377
00:14:07,876 --> 00:14:09,252
Cinnamon Schnapps!
378
00:14:09,503 --> 00:14:11,755
Barkeep, another round of drink roulette.
379
00:14:12,047 --> 00:14:14,507
Lieutenant, I've never seen
you in Shaw's on a Sunday.
380
00:14:14,591 --> 00:14:17,218
Those nights are usually reserved
for spending time with your family.
381
00:14:17,302 --> 00:14:19,846
I guess you do make exceptions.
382
00:14:20,180 --> 00:14:22,140
What?
The conversation we had six months ago,
383
00:14:22,224 --> 00:14:24,182
the one where you said you
wouldn't make an exception for me.
384
00:14:24,266 --> 00:14:26,816
That was so long ago.
A lot has happened since then.
385
00:14:26,977 --> 00:14:29,354
Well, to me, it seems
like mere minutes ago
386
00:14:29,438 --> 00:14:32,691
because I've been living the
same day over and over again.
387
00:14:32,775 --> 00:14:35,110
Gentlemen. Would either of
you mind giving some toasts?
388
00:14:35,194 --> 00:14:37,195
People starting to notice
we didn't serve any food.
389
00:14:37,279 --> 00:14:38,905
I have something I'd like to say.
390
00:14:38,989 --> 00:14:42,033
Marriage is amazing.
To get to spend every day
391
00:14:42,117 --> 00:14:44,453
with the same person, day after day,
392
00:14:44,537 --> 00:14:46,205
month after month on repeat.
393
00:14:46,539 --> 00:14:49,833
The comfort of knowing that
tomorrow will be just like today
394
00:14:49,917 --> 00:14:53,045
is truly a rewarding assignment.
395
00:14:53,462 --> 00:14:54,920
-To Hitchcock.
-MAN: Here, here.
396
00:14:55,004 --> 00:14:56,213
I'd also like to make a speech.
397
00:14:56,297 --> 00:15:00,593
Most marriages end in
divorce, and there's a reason.
398
00:15:00,677 --> 00:15:03,095
It's boring to be stuck in
the same routine forever.
399
00:15:03,179 --> 00:15:07,475
There's no value to be found in
walking the same beat over and over,
400
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,310
especially when you've
been a captain for six years.
401
00:15:09,394 --> 00:15:10,436
-Oh.
-HOLT: The point is,
402
00:15:10,520 --> 00:15:14,857
marriage is a waste of
my talents, Lieutenant.
403
00:15:14,941 --> 00:15:15,941
To Hitchcock.
404
00:15:16,025 --> 00:15:17,193
[CHUCKLES] These are great.
405
00:15:17,277 --> 00:15:18,277
Really?
406
00:15:18,361 --> 00:15:19,778
I also have a toast to make.
407
00:15:19,862 --> 00:15:22,448
Hitchcock.
I always thought I was better than you
408
00:15:22,532 --> 00:15:26,075
because I haven't been
divorced seven times,
409
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:29,359
and I've never been banned from
a museum for kissing the statues.
410
00:15:29,663 --> 00:15:33,124
But today I realized that
maybe my life would be better
411
00:15:33,208 --> 00:15:35,001
if I was more like you.
412
00:15:35,085 --> 00:15:38,505
Anyway, I got to go
make a baby of my own,
413
00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:40,632
just like the baby inside of Anna.
414
00:15:40,716 --> 00:15:41,883
[SCATTERED GASPS]
415
00:15:41,967 --> 00:15:43,551
Nailed it. Thank you.
416
00:15:43,635 --> 00:15:45,554
Why is she saying this thing, Anna?
417
00:15:45,929 --> 00:15:50,642
Okay, bud, are you ready to have
some stupid Hitchcock-style sex?
418
00:15:50,726 --> 00:15:51,976
Oh, yeah. Where are we going?
419
00:15:52,060 --> 00:15:54,311
Nowhere. We're going right here
420
00:15:54,395 --> 00:15:55,729
in Shaw's bathroom.
421
00:15:55,813 --> 00:15:59,025
Oh, that's such a bad idea.
I love it. All right.
422
00:16:00,401 --> 00:16:01,860
MAN: Occupied.
423
00:16:01,944 --> 00:16:03,612
Someone's in there. Should we wait?
424
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,072
Would Hitchcock wait?
425
00:16:05,156 --> 00:16:07,742
Hell, no. Hitchcock would find an alley!
426
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:10,244
Oh, this is perfect.
427
00:16:10,328 --> 00:16:12,538
There's probably so many
skunks skunking around here.
428
00:16:12,622 --> 00:16:14,248
Oh, yeah. We are gonna make a skunk baby.
429
00:16:14,332 --> 00:16:15,415
Yeah!
430
00:16:15,499 --> 00:16:16,959
MAN: Hello. Huh?
431
00:16:17,251 --> 00:16:19,294
Don't worry about me.
I don't want to join.
432
00:16:19,378 --> 00:16:20,796
I'm happy just to watch.
433
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:23,841
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
434
00:16:24,758 --> 00:16:27,093
Crap. They're really
pissed that Anna's pregnant.
435
00:16:27,177 --> 00:16:28,928
No, it's more complicated than that.
436
00:16:29,012 --> 00:16:31,138
Anna just called her
entire family hypocrites.
437
00:16:31,222 --> 00:16:32,306
Wait, you speak Russian?
438
00:16:32,390 --> 00:16:33,850
Huh. I guess I do.
439
00:16:34,225 --> 00:16:35,268
I must have picked it up
440
00:16:35,352 --> 00:16:37,353
from talking to that woman at the
coffee cart for the past six months.
441
00:16:37,437 --> 00:16:39,439
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
442
00:16:39,773 --> 00:16:40,856
Now what's happening?
443
00:16:40,940 --> 00:16:43,401
Anna's mother says that
Anna should be with someone
444
00:16:43,485 --> 00:16:44,485
more respectable,
445
00:16:44,569 --> 00:16:48,114
like her sister's husband,
Boris, instead of the pig man.
446
00:16:48,198 --> 00:16:51,117
Well, that's too bad, 'cause
she already married the pig man.
447
00:16:51,201 --> 00:16:53,953
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
448
00:16:54,120 --> 00:16:55,203
HITCHCOCK: What's she saying?
449
00:16:55,287 --> 00:16:57,789
She says that Boris is not a good man.
450
00:16:57,873 --> 00:16:59,291
He's cheating on her sister.
451
00:16:59,375 --> 00:17:02,419
She knows because he's
the real father of her baby.
452
00:17:02,544 --> 00:17:03,921
Oh. What?
453
00:17:05,005 --> 00:17:06,131
Oh, no!
454
00:17:07,675 --> 00:17:08,884
-[DOOR RATTLES]
-[GASPS]
455
00:17:09,259 --> 00:17:11,094
Someone's here, this is too public.
456
00:17:11,178 --> 00:17:14,640
I mean, it wouldn't stop Hitchcock,
but fine, I know a secret spot.
457
00:17:17,309 --> 00:17:18,310
[CHUCKLES]
458
00:17:19,144 --> 00:17:20,594
-[LOUD CLATTERING]
-[BOTH GASP]
459
00:17:20,938 --> 00:17:21,939
What was that?
460
00:17:22,147 --> 00:17:23,607
What am I feeling right now? Huh?
461
00:17:23,691 --> 00:17:25,541
Are those all your tiny little hands?
462
00:17:26,401 --> 00:17:28,152
[DRAMATIC HORROR MUSIC PLAYING]
463
00:17:28,986 --> 00:17:30,029
[BOTH SCREAM]
464
00:17:32,907 --> 00:17:33,991
[BOTH SCREAM]
465
00:17:37,995 --> 00:17:39,121
And this is the last one.
466
00:17:39,205 --> 00:17:40,789
We rounded up all the guinea pigs.
467
00:17:40,873 --> 00:17:42,208
Not even close.
468
00:17:43,376 --> 00:17:46,837
Guinea pig, guinea pig, guinea
pig, guinea pig, guinea pig.
469
00:17:46,921 --> 00:17:49,465
What were you thinking?
Breeding guinea pigs at work.
470
00:17:49,549 --> 00:17:51,175
We weren't breeding them on purpose.
471
00:17:51,259 --> 00:17:52,801
They're just very sexual creatures.
472
00:17:52,885 --> 00:17:54,261
And we didn't want to slut-shame them.
473
00:17:54,345 --> 00:17:56,695
Yeah.
Sorry you're not more sex-positive, Terry.
474
00:17:57,055 --> 00:17:58,056
I called my friend at the lab.
475
00:17:58,140 --> 00:17:59,182
He's gonna take the guinea pigs.
476
00:17:59,266 --> 00:18:01,351
They're not gonna do
any chemical tests on them.
477
00:18:01,435 --> 00:18:02,810
They're just gonna teach
them how to run mazes.
478
00:18:02,894 --> 00:18:05,104
Really?
I want you to look Claire 38 in the eye
479
00:18:05,188 --> 00:18:06,189
and tell her that.
480
00:18:06,273 --> 00:18:08,525
I'm sending you to a lab, Claire. Bye.
481
00:18:08,692 --> 00:18:09,817
You can't do this!
482
00:18:09,901 --> 00:18:10,985
This is so unfair, Terry!
483
00:18:11,069 --> 00:18:12,070
You're a cruel man!
484
00:18:12,154 --> 00:18:13,446
Thank God, he found a way to end it.
485
00:18:13,530 --> 00:18:15,330
Oh, it's over. The nightmare's over.
486
00:18:15,532 --> 00:18:16,741
There you are.
487
00:18:16,825 --> 00:18:18,368
You didn't wake me up
when you left this morning.
488
00:18:18,452 --> 00:18:21,997
I tried. You said, "I'm dead.
Leave me, find someone new."
489
00:18:22,289 --> 00:18:23,389
Yeah, pretty hungover.
490
00:18:23,498 --> 00:18:26,124
Look, last night wasn't
great, but I think I know why.
491
00:18:26,208 --> 00:18:27,459
We were trying to do it like Hitchcock
492
00:18:27,543 --> 00:18:29,461
when we should have
been trying to do it like Boris.
493
00:18:29,545 --> 00:18:31,672
The man who actually
impregnated Hitchcock's wife.
494
00:18:31,756 --> 00:18:33,173
So I found him on Facebook and…
495
00:18:33,257 --> 00:18:34,257
Jake, stop.
496
00:18:34,341 --> 00:18:37,302
Why is it so easy for
everyone else to get pregnant?
497
00:18:37,386 --> 00:18:39,304
I mean, look at these stupid guinea pigs.
498
00:18:39,388 --> 00:18:41,932
They made 600 babies
and we can't make one.
499
00:18:42,016 --> 00:18:43,684
Why can't we make 600 babies?
500
00:18:43,851 --> 00:18:47,201
You can't compare yourself to
guinea pigs, babe. You taught me that.
501
00:18:47,396 --> 00:18:50,357
I'm exhausted.
And the universe keeps telling us
502
00:18:50,441 --> 00:18:51,942
that it doesn't want us to have a baby.
503
00:18:52,026 --> 00:18:54,904
The message couldn't
be clearer, so I'm done.
504
00:18:55,613 --> 00:18:57,197
Like done for this month?
505
00:18:57,363 --> 00:18:59,282
Done. Just done.
506
00:19:05,163 --> 00:19:08,916
Thank you for seeing me.
I just wanted to let you know I was wrong.
507
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,710
Until last night, I didn't realize
508
00:19:10,794 --> 00:19:12,169
how much Russian I'd learned.
509
00:19:12,253 --> 00:19:14,880
Yeah. It was impressive.
And your accent was great too.
510
00:19:14,964 --> 00:19:17,466
Thank you, but I actually speak
with the accent of a peasant.
511
00:19:17,550 --> 00:19:19,343
Anyway, I walked my beat this morning.
512
00:19:19,427 --> 00:19:21,512
I spoke to several people in Russian.
513
00:19:21,596 --> 00:19:24,181
They were so impressed,
they opened up to me.
514
00:19:24,265 --> 00:19:25,767
I got a number of useful tips.
515
00:19:25,934 --> 00:19:29,269
All right. All because I made
you do something tedious.
516
00:19:29,478 --> 00:19:31,188
Monotonous. Don't ruin this.
517
00:19:31,647 --> 00:19:33,898
Thanks for coming out for
Hitchcock's divorce party.
518
00:19:33,982 --> 00:19:35,567
You know you got another gay cake, right?
519
00:19:35,651 --> 00:19:36,693
What? No way.
520
00:19:36,777 --> 00:19:38,627
DIAZ: Says, "boys, boys, boys" on it.
521
00:19:38,779 --> 00:19:40,072
Because we're the boys.
522
00:19:40,656 --> 00:19:43,199
Guys, I figured out what went
wrong between Anna and me.
523
00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:45,118
My job. I'm a workaholic.
524
00:19:45,244 --> 00:19:46,244
Not anymore.
525
00:19:46,328 --> 00:19:49,039
From now on, I'm focusing
on what really matters.
526
00:19:49,248 --> 00:19:51,207
Come on, Scully, let's get some wings.
527
00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:53,252
Uh, bud, I thought you'd never ask.
528
00:19:53,961 --> 00:19:55,796
Hey, want some cake?
529
00:19:55,963 --> 00:19:57,296
I got a piece with a heart on it,
530
00:19:57,380 --> 00:19:58,714
which I now realize is a butt.
531
00:19:58,798 --> 00:20:00,258
I'm good, thanks.
532
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:04,929
So listen, I've been thinking
about what you said this morning
533
00:20:05,096 --> 00:20:07,640
and it has been a really
hard couple of months.
534
00:20:08,224 --> 00:20:10,101
I'm sorry I'm bad at making babies.
535
00:20:10,226 --> 00:20:11,644
Hey, hey, don't say that.
536
00:20:12,019 --> 00:20:13,061
It's not your fault.
537
00:20:13,145 --> 00:20:14,813
And, look, for all we know, I could have…
538
00:20:14,897 --> 00:20:16,774
Don't say you have bum nards.
539
00:20:18,484 --> 00:20:20,084
I wasn't… I wasn't going to…
540
00:20:20,319 --> 00:20:24,490
[SIGHS] But, I think maybe,
it's just a thing we can't control.
541
00:20:24,574 --> 00:20:27,325
[SIGHS] That is my
least favorite kind of thing.
542
00:20:27,576 --> 00:20:28,618
I know.
543
00:20:28,743 --> 00:20:30,537
I really wanted to start a family.
544
00:20:32,205 --> 00:20:33,248
Amy.
545
00:20:34,165 --> 00:20:36,334
We are family, you and me.
546
00:20:36,710 --> 00:20:41,130
So you know, we can keep
trying or look into IVF or adoption,
547
00:20:41,214 --> 00:20:43,508
or if we want, we can
forget about the whole thing.
548
00:20:43,592 --> 00:20:47,262
But if we're together,
I'm happy no matter what.
549
00:20:48,305 --> 00:20:49,755
I don't know what I wanna do.
550
00:20:49,848 --> 00:20:51,182
Fine. It's okay too.
551
00:20:51,266 --> 00:20:52,716
We don't have to have a plan.
552
00:20:52,893 --> 00:20:53,894
We make the rules.
553
00:20:54,394 --> 00:20:56,145
Maybe it would help to just not think
554
00:20:56,229 --> 00:20:59,029
about the whole thing for a
while and see where we're at.
555
00:20:59,189 --> 00:21:00,733
Yeah, okay.
556
00:21:02,526 --> 00:21:03,527
I love you.
557
00:21:03,819 --> 00:21:04,820
I love you.
558
00:21:16,373 --> 00:21:17,499
Should we go? Yes.
559
00:21:17,666 --> 00:21:18,667
Okay.
560
00:21:20,586 --> 00:21:21,670
Nope.
561
00:21:22,379 --> 00:21:23,464
[SIGHS]