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HOLT: I've just received
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The email about whether I've
gotten the job as commissioner.
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00:00:10,137 --> 00:00:13,265
Well, from the look on my face,
I'm sure you can guess what it says.
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00:00:13,349 --> 00:00:15,726
No! We have no idea at all.
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Just tell us, you monster.
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Really? No one noticed the slight
tension in my labial commissure?
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-My lips. I'm smiling.
-JEFFORDS: Wait, you're smiling?
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00:00:23,736 --> 00:00:25,153
Wait, we're allowed to say "labia" again?
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Wait, you got it? I got it.
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00:00:26,822 --> 00:00:27,866
[ALL CHEERING]
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00:00:28,033 --> 00:00:29,033
Labia.
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00:00:29,117 --> 00:00:30,159
Commissioner Raymond Holt.
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Labia.
You gotta stop right now, Hitchcock.
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PERALTA: We need to celebrate.
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Ooh, we need music.
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[LOUDER] Oh!
I brought a Jock Jams CD for the wedding.
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Oh. We didn't talk about that.
It was gonna be a surprise.
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Our first dance was
gonna be to "Tootsee Roll."
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Oh, no, and we didn't get to do it.
I know.
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All right, nobody move.
I'm gonna go get the CD.
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I want to thank you all.
What an incredible moment.
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Thirty years of struggle and sacrifice.
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But it was worth it,
because I finally get
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to read the ten words
I've longed to hear,
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"Raymond Holt, you are not the…"
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Oops, I misread the email.
27
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Didn't see the "not."
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So… I will not be the new commissioner.
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Y'all ready for this?
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[ELECTRIC DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]
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Jock Jam.
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[WHOOPS]
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Why is no one else dancing?
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Did I miss something?
35
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Feels like I missed something.
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I'll just keep going until
someone tells me to…
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ALL: Stop, Jake! All right.
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[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
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So, Captain Holt
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is taking another personal day.
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In his absence, I will be
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running things around here.
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That's not true. I'm in charge.
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Mmm, it's gonna be more of
a Westeros free-for-all, okay?
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Who will bend a knee? I will.
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00:01:56,799 --> 00:01:59,009
Nobody's bending anything.
Let's get started.
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Sarge, is Captain Holt all right?
He never misses work.
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He said he was at a 49
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00:02:02,639 --> 00:02:04,974
and improving at 8.6% a day.
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So, I guess he'll be in soon.
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00:02:06,643 --> 00:02:07,894
Now, we have two…
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00:02:07,978 --> 00:02:09,563
PERALTA: Guess who just got paid, y'all.
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00:02:09,647 --> 00:02:11,899
That's right.
We got stacks on stacks on stacks.
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Where's all that cash from?
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Well, my brilliant wife
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found a crazy loophole
called "wedding insurance."
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It's very common.
It's like renter's insurance.
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Oh, my God. Do we have that, too? Yes.
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You are a wizard.
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The point is, we are
getting refunded in full,
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00:02:24,747 --> 00:02:26,249
so we are going on
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a super-deluxe, five-star,
mega-baller honeymoon.
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So, you're not just going
to the Berkshires anymore?
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00:02:31,004 --> 00:02:32,296
Screw that crap hole.
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It's a dump, and anyone
who goes there is garbage.
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I was gonna take Sharon
there for a romantic weekend.
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Oh, well, congratulations, ya poor.
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I am so sorry. Money really changes you.
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The resort is called Posadita
Bonita, and it's in Mexico.
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Great food, great beaches,
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and when I say "ay
caramba" there, I'll fit right in.
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I don't think so.
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00:02:48,440 --> 00:02:49,817
Isn't that the place that
Gina is always talking about,
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'cause she gets referral rewards points?
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00:02:51,653 --> 00:02:55,030
Why, yes, it is. Don't forget to
use the code GINA30 at checkout.
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It's super intimate and super fancy.
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And when we're there,
there's only one rule.
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BOTH: A-B-C.
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00:03:01,497 --> 00:03:02,831
Always be coconuting.
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00:03:02,915 --> 00:03:04,667
At all times, we will
either be drinking from,
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00:03:04,751 --> 00:03:07,629
eating, or wearing a coconut.
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00:03:11,049 --> 00:03:13,010
Ah! This place is amazing.
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I've never had sex
outside the United States.
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What are you thinking about?
Weirdly, the same thing.
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Whoa! Welcome to paradise.
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Margarita? Yes, I would love one.
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But is there any way you
could put it in a coconut?
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It will be my pleasure, sir.
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[GASPS] Thank you.
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I requested a ridiculous
thing, and he's doing it.
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00:03:28,736 --> 00:03:30,571
Quick, think of more
stupid stuff we can ask for.
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Grapes. Sorry, I panicked.
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And I couldn't think of anything.
No, no, no, grapes is perfect.
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00:03:34,450 --> 00:03:37,579
Excuse me, sir, is there any way
you could get my wife some grapes?
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-Yes, sir, right away.
-PERALTA: He's running.
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00:03:39,331 --> 00:03:40,731
He's running for the grapes.
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Here are your drinks, and a
lovers' toolbox from a Mr. Boyle.
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Thank you so much.
We will never open this.
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Oh, my God, Jake, look. Yes, the grapes.
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And you brought cheese.
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I don't even want cheese.
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00:03:52,471 --> 00:03:53,806
No, Jake, in the lounge.
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Captain Holt? Peralta?
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Ay caramba.
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Gina, what the hell?
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New phone, who this?
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00:04:04,192 --> 00:04:06,528
You can't do that in person.
It's Charles.
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Boyle. Your coworker.
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Oh. Hey, Charles.
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I just found out that
your mom left my dad.
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They're getting divorced.
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00:04:13,828 --> 00:04:15,038
Eh. They had a good run.
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Fun fact, the average American
marriage lasts fewer than two days.
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That's not true. It doesn't have to be.
It's commentary.
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00:04:21,086 --> 00:04:22,880
Well, you know who didn't
think it was a good run?
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My daddy, Lynn Boyle.
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He's inconsolable.
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00:04:25,550 --> 00:04:26,884
Well, I'm sure he'll get over it.
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00:04:26,968 --> 00:04:28,719
No, Boyles don't "get over it."
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It becomes part of us.
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00:04:30,180 --> 00:04:32,349
It lives within us. It eats us out.
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We have to get them back together. Pass.
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00:04:34,477 --> 00:04:36,061
Well, I'm doing it with
or without your help.
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Okay, without. Okay, you called my bluff.
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It has to be with your help.
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00:04:38,732 --> 00:04:39,857
And I'm not taking no for an answer.
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00:04:39,941 --> 00:04:41,067
No. Okay, you did it again.
128
00:04:41,151 --> 00:04:42,951
Why are you like this? I don't know.
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00:04:44,362 --> 00:04:47,449
Hey, Sarge, I have a problem, and I
would ask Holt, but since he's not back…
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00:04:47,533 --> 00:04:49,911
You came to Top Dog Terry.
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00:04:50,036 --> 00:04:51,036
Smart move.
132
00:04:51,120 --> 00:04:54,582
I've been solving problems all day long.
[LOUDLY] Ow! Ow! Ow!
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00:04:54,666 --> 00:04:56,918
Okay, so you know that
meth case I've been working on
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00:04:57,002 --> 00:04:58,169
for the last two months?
135
00:04:58,253 --> 00:05:00,255
The Department of Sanitation
police want to poach it from me,
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00:05:00,339 --> 00:05:01,548
because the drugs
were found in a dumpster.
137
00:05:01,632 --> 00:05:02,925
They're saying, "It's garbage-related."
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00:05:03,009 --> 00:05:04,010
This is an easy one.
139
00:05:04,094 --> 00:05:05,244
Tell them to screw off.
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00:05:05,678 --> 00:05:08,098
See? Problem solved. [SOFTER] Ow! Ow!
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00:05:08,306 --> 00:05:10,225
Yeah, well, I did that, and
they threatened to make
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00:05:10,309 --> 00:05:11,351
a formal complaint to the mayor.
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00:05:11,435 --> 00:05:12,853
Then just let them have the case.
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00:05:12,937 --> 00:05:15,105
Problem solved. [SOFTER] Woof! Woof!
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00:05:15,189 --> 00:05:17,024
Terry, I've been working
on it for two months,
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00:05:17,108 --> 00:05:18,818
and those dummies are gonna blow it.
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Right.
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00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:22,572
Well, you could partner
up with sanitation.
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00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:24,449
Problem solved? [SUBDUED] Woof! Woof!
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00:05:24,533 --> 00:05:27,202
Nope. Headquarters won't
allow it due to budgetary reasons.
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00:05:27,286 --> 00:05:28,621
Okay, okay, okay.
152
00:05:28,955 --> 00:05:31,123
You know, Captain Holt was
writing an instruction manual
153
00:05:31,207 --> 00:05:33,083
for his replacement in case
he was named commissioner.
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00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:34,169
Maybe it could tell you what to do.
155
00:05:34,253 --> 00:05:35,504
That's not necessary.
156
00:05:35,838 --> 00:05:37,673
Top Dog Terry can make a decision.
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00:05:37,840 --> 00:05:39,341
And what would that be?
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00:05:41,845 --> 00:05:44,345
Does Top Dog Terry want
a moment to think about it?
159
00:05:44,597 --> 00:05:45,797
[DOUBTFULLY] Woof! Woof!
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00:05:45,974 --> 00:05:48,434
HOLT: Since the rejection, a
great sadness has enveloped me.
161
00:05:48,518 --> 00:05:51,646
I kept expecting this dark feeling
to pass, but it's only gotten worse.
162
00:05:51,730 --> 00:05:53,523
Not getting the job you want stinks.
163
00:05:53,607 --> 00:05:55,984
In first grade, I was
passed over for line leader,
164
00:05:56,068 --> 00:05:57,361
and I'm still pissed.
165
00:05:57,445 --> 00:06:00,573
Kyle D.'s lines had curves,
and gaps, and cutting galore.
166
00:06:00,657 --> 00:06:01,949
It was a frickin' carnival.
167
00:06:02,033 --> 00:06:03,618
Yeah. What's a line leader?
168
00:06:03,702 --> 00:06:05,037
Well, it's not just that
I didn't get the job.
169
00:06:05,121 --> 00:06:06,497
It's that John Kelly did.
170
00:06:06,581 --> 00:06:10,584
He's already released a memo detailing
his "vigilant policing" initiative.
171
00:06:10,668 --> 00:06:12,629
It's essentially a
return to stop and frisk.
172
00:06:12,713 --> 00:06:16,174
Choosing him is a betrayal
of everything I stand for.
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00:06:16,258 --> 00:06:17,842
I feel the same way about Kyle D.
174
00:06:17,926 --> 00:06:19,844
I tried to suck it up
and go back to work.
175
00:06:19,928 --> 00:06:21,430
I put on my uniform and got in my car.
176
00:06:21,514 --> 00:06:24,683
And next thing I knew, I
was on a plane to Mexico.
177
00:06:24,767 --> 00:06:26,060
I didn't even pack a bag.
178
00:06:26,144 --> 00:06:28,897
I bought a bundle of novelty
shirts at a nearby gift shop.
179
00:06:28,981 --> 00:06:30,941
This one says, "What's up, beaches?"
180
00:06:31,150 --> 00:06:33,151
Instead of "bitches" for humor reasons.
181
00:06:33,235 --> 00:06:34,361
But you hate humor.
182
00:06:34,445 --> 00:06:37,031
Well, I'm a joke now, so it suits me.
183
00:06:37,115 --> 00:06:40,701
Mm-kay.
But how did you end up here in Mexico
184
00:06:40,785 --> 00:06:42,912
at the exact same tiny resort as us?
185
00:06:42,996 --> 00:06:44,285
Gina's been talking
up this place for years.
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00:06:44,369 --> 00:06:44,915
[SANTIAGO SIGHS]
187
00:06:44,999 --> 00:06:47,084
BOTH: Referral Code GINA30.
188
00:06:47,168 --> 00:06:49,253
I had no idea you'd be here.
189
00:06:49,337 --> 00:06:50,504
You know what? It's fine, sir.
190
00:06:50,588 --> 00:06:52,632
A lot of people go on their
honeymoon with their boss.
191
00:06:52,716 --> 00:06:53,800
Nope, I thought if I said it out loud,
192
00:06:53,884 --> 00:06:55,051
it would normalize it, but it's weird.
193
00:06:55,135 --> 00:06:56,302
SANTIAGO: It's gonna be okay.
194
00:06:56,386 --> 00:06:57,470
How long are you staying, sir?
195
00:06:57,554 --> 00:06:59,013
Just until I get my head right.
196
00:06:59,097 --> 00:07:01,559
But don't worry.
I'll steer clear of you two.
197
00:07:01,643 --> 00:07:03,093
You won't even know I'm here.
198
00:07:03,811 --> 00:07:05,354
This place is so romantic.
199
00:07:05,438 --> 00:07:08,984
Yeah, and so intimate.
200
00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:11,362
Don't worry. I'm not listening to you.
201
00:07:11,487 --> 00:07:13,937
I'm just thinking about
how this sea bass is cold.
202
00:07:14,281 --> 00:07:16,701
But not as cold and
cruel as the hands of fate
203
00:07:16,785 --> 00:07:19,996
that have thrust my
entire life into darkness.
204
00:07:21,331 --> 00:07:23,918
Damn it. I just ordered the sea bass.
205
00:07:26,754 --> 00:07:28,589
SANTIAGO: Babe, this is so nice.
206
00:07:28,673 --> 00:07:31,217
There are hot stones on
our butts for no reason.
207
00:07:31,301 --> 00:07:33,219
Not on mine.
My butt stones keep falling off,
208
00:07:33,303 --> 00:07:36,055
'cause I'm so tense about Holt
being here and ruining everything.
209
00:07:36,139 --> 00:07:37,766
It hasn't been that bad. Really?
210
00:07:39,519 --> 00:07:41,062
Oops. Sorry.
211
00:07:41,354 --> 00:07:42,504
Can't even float right.
212
00:07:43,064 --> 00:07:44,273
Just push me away.
213
00:07:44,357 --> 00:07:45,608
Everyone else does.
214
00:07:45,692 --> 00:07:47,068
It's not great,
215
00:07:47,152 --> 00:07:49,697
but as long as we
stay in here, we're safe.
216
00:07:49,989 --> 00:07:51,573
Peralta, Santiago, I'm in your room.
217
00:07:51,657 --> 00:07:52,908
What? How?
218
00:07:52,992 --> 00:07:54,702
Patio door was open.
I pushed through the hedge.
219
00:07:54,786 --> 00:07:57,872
Tell me, what is it about
me that screams loser?
220
00:07:57,956 --> 00:08:01,250
Yeah, you know, we're kind of in the
middle of getting massages right now, sir.
221
00:08:01,334 --> 00:08:02,795
Oh. How thoughtless of me.
222
00:08:03,087 --> 00:08:04,546
I'll get down here so
you can see my face.
223
00:08:04,630 --> 00:08:05,631
No, that's…
224
00:08:06,173 --> 00:08:07,591
Hello. The question was,
225
00:08:07,675 --> 00:08:10,637
what is it about me that screams
226
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:12,681
loser?
227
00:08:13,015 --> 00:08:15,600
I can't figure out what went
wrong between our parents.
228
00:08:15,684 --> 00:08:16,809
They were so in love.
229
00:08:16,893 --> 00:08:18,854
Okay, so we're having a conversation?
230
00:08:18,938 --> 00:08:20,814
No, to get them back together,
we need to know what happened.
231
00:08:20,898 --> 00:08:21,982
Did your mom tell you? Nope.
232
00:08:22,066 --> 00:08:23,525
Damn it. Okay, let's brainstorm.
233
00:08:23,609 --> 00:08:26,112
It could be that my dad is
too clingy or too masculine.
234
00:08:26,196 --> 00:08:28,031
You know what?
I'm gonna play a game on my phone
235
00:08:28,115 --> 00:08:29,532
while you go on this little journey.
236
00:08:29,616 --> 00:08:32,786
He overshares, he's
indecisive, he's always crying.
237
00:08:32,870 --> 00:08:34,413
Oh, I made it inside the temple.
238
00:08:34,497 --> 00:08:35,831
He wears a kimono a lot.
239
00:08:35,915 --> 00:08:37,416
I became a hawk. I have talons.
240
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:39,752
Well, he can't keep a secret.
He has a clinically loose pelvis.
241
00:08:39,836 --> 00:08:42,381
Okay, that did break through.
I heard "loose pelvis."
242
00:08:42,465 --> 00:08:44,716
Charles, you've got to stop.
It's none of those things.
243
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:46,551
Wait. You said your mom
didn't tell you anything.
244
00:08:46,635 --> 00:08:48,053
Do you know what happened? Yes, I do.
245
00:08:48,137 --> 00:08:49,847
And it's none of your business, Charles.
246
00:08:49,931 --> 00:08:52,100
Just stop sticking your
nose where it doesn't belong.
247
00:08:52,184 --> 00:08:53,184
Really, Gina?
248
00:08:53,268 --> 00:08:56,229
And where does my nose
belong if not inside our parents?
249
00:08:56,730 --> 00:08:58,482
Okay, so we can't get away from Holt.
250
00:08:58,566 --> 00:09:00,693
I mean, should we tell him to leave?
That he's ruining our honeymoon?
251
00:09:00,777 --> 00:09:01,819
No, we can't.
252
00:09:01,903 --> 00:09:04,489
That would crush him,
and he's already so crushed.
253
00:09:05,407 --> 00:09:06,658
Wait, I got it.
254
00:09:06,742 --> 00:09:08,451
We kill Holt. No!
255
00:09:08,535 --> 00:09:11,121
No, that was crazy for
a multitude of reasons.
256
00:09:11,205 --> 00:09:13,207
We have a bunch of
fun activities planned.
257
00:09:13,291 --> 00:09:16,335
If we include him, it'll
cheer him up, and he'll leave.
258
00:09:16,419 --> 00:09:20,172
Right, but aren't most of our activities
kind of geared towards couples?
259
00:09:20,256 --> 00:09:23,552
Name one couples' activity that
wouldn't be more fun with your boss there.
260
00:09:23,636 --> 00:09:25,387
Welcome to Sensual Food Tasting.
261
00:09:25,471 --> 00:09:27,806
The art of feeding your lover.
262
00:09:27,890 --> 00:09:28,975
I feel like I don't belong here.
263
00:09:29,059 --> 00:09:30,059
SANTIAGO: Hmm.
264
00:09:30,143 --> 00:09:32,812
I love the way the mud
revitalizes your skin.
265
00:09:32,896 --> 00:09:35,189
And I love how it masks my shame.
266
00:09:35,273 --> 00:09:36,901
I am loving this.
267
00:09:37,193 --> 00:09:40,071
[SIGHING RELAXEDLY]
268
00:09:40,947 --> 00:09:42,364
This is actually quite pleasant.
269
00:09:42,448 --> 00:09:44,659
You know, when you
invited me to join you today,
270
00:09:44,743 --> 00:09:45,827
I was skeptical.
271
00:09:45,911 --> 00:09:47,537
I had been sitting by the pool
272
00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:50,498
contentedly watching a bee
struggle to avoid drowning
273
00:09:50,582 --> 00:09:53,252
and thinking to myself
how I am like that bee.
274
00:09:53,336 --> 00:09:54,337
Man, I hope it survived.
275
00:09:54,421 --> 00:09:55,588
We can't afford to lose any more bees.
276
00:09:55,672 --> 00:09:56,839
It didn't. The point is,
277
00:09:56,923 --> 00:09:59,425
I am glad you invited me
into your frivolous activities.
278
00:09:59,509 --> 00:10:02,304
You helped me to remember
there's more to life than the NYPD.
279
00:10:02,388 --> 00:10:04,556
Wow, that's great to hear, sir.
280
00:10:04,640 --> 00:10:05,682
I feel a lot better.
281
00:10:05,766 --> 00:10:07,017
I think I may be heading home.
282
00:10:07,101 --> 00:10:09,187
Unless you need a third
for tonight's activities.
283
00:10:09,271 --> 00:10:10,855
What are we… Sensual pottery.
284
00:10:10,939 --> 00:10:12,149
I think we're good.
285
00:10:12,399 --> 00:10:14,192
Sarge, I keep getting calls
about my drug case from…
286
00:10:14,276 --> 00:10:15,526
What the hell is going on?
287
00:10:15,610 --> 00:10:17,696
Nothing. Just deciding what to do about
288
00:10:17,780 --> 00:10:20,324
your sanitation issue, like a boss.
289
00:10:20,408 --> 00:10:21,909
You're looking for Captain
Holt's manual, aren't you?
290
00:10:21,993 --> 00:10:23,160
Please, Diaz.
291
00:10:23,244 --> 00:10:26,294
Top Dog Terry does not need
to look for Captain Holt's manual.
292
00:10:26,415 --> 00:10:27,624
He knows it's on his computer.
293
00:10:27,708 --> 00:10:29,376
Top Dog Terry was
looking for the password.
294
00:10:29,460 --> 00:10:31,546
Why don't you just
make your own decision?
295
00:10:31,671 --> 00:10:33,547
I did that, and I'm very proud of it.
296
00:10:33,631 --> 00:10:35,341
I just want to make sure
Captain Holt would make
297
00:10:35,425 --> 00:10:37,551
the same decision so I
can be proud of him, too.
298
00:10:37,635 --> 00:10:39,971
Gina.
Do you know Captain Holt's password?
299
00:10:40,055 --> 00:10:42,349
[ANNOYED SIGH] Terry, just
because I know all your passwords
300
00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:44,226
doesn't mean I know Captain Holt's.
301
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:45,560
Okay, well, we could probably guess it.
302
00:10:45,644 --> 00:10:50,650
Why don't you try BaldByChoice or
PecMan or MacklemoreEnthusiast?
303
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:53,361
Stop saying my passwords. Damn, Gina.
304
00:10:53,445 --> 00:10:54,905
Now Terry's got to update his key chain.
305
00:10:54,989 --> 00:10:57,950
Start simple. Kevin with a
capital K and a 1 instead of an I.
306
00:10:58,034 --> 00:10:59,285
I feel good about that.
307
00:11:02,246 --> 00:11:04,249
"Locked out"? "Too many failed attempts"?
308
00:11:04,333 --> 00:11:05,834
I only guessed once.
309
00:11:06,668 --> 00:11:09,546
"Computer will now delete hard drive."
310
00:11:09,630 --> 00:11:11,049
I've got to fix this.
311
00:11:13,468 --> 00:11:14,844
Good. You fixed it.
312
00:11:15,053 --> 00:11:16,429
He's leaving. Our plan worked.
313
00:11:16,513 --> 00:11:18,139
We saved our own
honeymoon, and fun bonus,
314
00:11:18,223 --> 00:11:19,558
we cheered up Holt. Yes.
315
00:11:19,725 --> 00:11:21,143
Okay, it's time to celebrate.
316
00:11:21,227 --> 00:11:22,519
You know what that means.
317
00:11:22,603 --> 00:11:24,688
This B needs a C in her A.
318
00:11:24,939 --> 00:11:26,189
Oh, my God.
319
00:11:26,273 --> 00:11:28,025
This babe needs a coconut in her arms.
320
00:11:28,109 --> 00:11:29,152
Oh!
321
00:11:29,319 --> 00:11:30,528
I thought you were saying,
322
00:11:30,612 --> 00:11:31,821
"This [BLEEP] needs a
[BLEEP] in her [BLEEP]."
323
00:11:31,905 --> 00:11:33,531
Oh, my God! Yeah, that was my reaction.
324
00:11:33,615 --> 00:11:35,659
All right, I'll go get us
a couple of coconuts.
325
00:11:35,743 --> 00:11:37,035
Hey there, Captain.
326
00:11:37,119 --> 00:11:38,954
Haven't seen you looking
this happy since they picked up
327
00:11:39,038 --> 00:11:40,747
The Durrells in Corfu
for a fourth season.
328
00:11:40,831 --> 00:11:41,832
Yes, well, I've reached
329
00:11:41,916 --> 00:11:44,586
the best part of every
vacation, reviewing the charges.
330
00:11:44,670 --> 00:11:46,296
Well, don't let me interrupt.
Have a safe flight.
331
00:11:46,380 --> 00:11:47,464
And I'll see you back at the Nine-Nine.
332
00:11:47,548 --> 00:11:49,507
No, you won't.
I'll never be going back there again.
333
00:11:49,591 --> 00:11:51,635
What? Why? I'm confused.
334
00:11:51,719 --> 00:11:55,556
You and Amy made me see that
there's more to life than the NYPD,
335
00:11:55,640 --> 00:11:57,058
so I'm quitting.
336
00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:58,519
Oh!
337
00:11:59,353 --> 00:12:03,440
Well, what a satisfying result
338
00:12:03,524 --> 00:12:06,570
that we all were hoping would occur.
339
00:12:09,406 --> 00:12:11,282
Hold on. So, let's just back up a second.
340
00:12:11,366 --> 00:12:12,450
When you say you're quitting,
341
00:12:12,534 --> 00:12:14,077
you mean quitting for,
like, a couple of weeks,
342
00:12:14,161 --> 00:12:16,246
and then you'll come back
Jordan-style with a new badge number?
343
00:12:16,330 --> 00:12:17,706
No, I mean, quitting permanently,
344
00:12:17,790 --> 00:12:19,958
I'm putting in my resignation
as soon as I get back home.
345
00:12:20,042 --> 00:12:21,419
I better hurry if I want
to be at the airport
346
00:12:21,503 --> 00:12:23,046
six hours ahead of my flight.
347
00:12:23,130 --> 00:12:24,130
Hey, you know what?
348
00:12:24,214 --> 00:12:25,340
I should drive you there.
349
00:12:25,424 --> 00:12:27,008
Will you come with me to
grab my keys from the room?
350
00:12:27,092 --> 00:12:31,097
Okay, they're just right in here, so…
351
00:12:31,806 --> 00:12:32,807
[GRUNTS]
352
00:12:33,558 --> 00:12:34,642
You're not leaving this room.
353
00:12:34,726 --> 00:12:35,935
What the hell is going on?
354
00:12:36,019 --> 00:12:37,103
I can't let you quit.
355
00:12:37,187 --> 00:12:39,773
Yes, but why the candles and rose petals?
356
00:12:40,816 --> 00:12:42,860
SANTIAGO: Is that Mr. McClane I hear?
357
00:12:43,152 --> 00:12:46,656
'Cause someone's about to Die Hard…
[SCREAMING] Oh, my God!
358
00:12:46,740 --> 00:12:48,157
Why is Captain Holt here?
359
00:12:48,241 --> 00:12:49,534
Because he's gonna… Wait,
360
00:12:49,618 --> 00:12:51,577
are you dressed like
Bonnie Bedelia in Die Hard?
361
00:12:51,661 --> 00:12:52,811
I am. For sexy reasons?
362
00:12:52,955 --> 00:12:54,414
Yes. Oh, boy.
363
00:12:54,498 --> 00:12:55,541
Jake, why is he here?
364
00:12:55,625 --> 00:12:56,875
Because he's quitting the force,
365
00:12:56,959 --> 00:12:58,377
so I brought him here
to convince him not to,
366
00:12:58,461 --> 00:12:59,878
but obviously, that is
not important anymore.
367
00:12:59,962 --> 00:13:01,089
All right, Captain, it's been a good run.
368
00:13:01,173 --> 00:13:03,091
Thank you, for teaching me the
importance of a tie in the workplace,
369
00:13:03,175 --> 00:13:04,467
and the door is right over here.
370
00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:06,469
Wait. What? You're quitting?
371
00:13:06,553 --> 00:13:08,389
Yes, I am. No, you're not.
372
00:13:08,473 --> 00:13:09,682
We're keeping you right here.
373
00:13:09,766 --> 00:13:11,517
How are you going to do that?
Physically restrain me?
374
00:13:11,601 --> 00:13:14,061
Great idea. Is there anything
in Charles' box of nightmares
375
00:13:14,145 --> 00:13:15,845
that could be used to tie up Holt?
376
00:13:16,940 --> 00:13:20,240
Yes. Literally everything in here
could be used to tie up a person.
377
00:13:20,486 --> 00:13:21,611
DIAZ: Wow, Terry,
378
00:13:21,695 --> 00:13:23,238
put Captain Holt's
computer back together?
379
00:13:23,322 --> 00:13:24,490
Looks great. Sure did.
380
00:13:24,574 --> 00:13:26,784
Couldn't find room
inside for this stuff, though.
381
00:13:26,868 --> 00:13:29,203
Well, is there any chance
the info on his computer
382
00:13:29,287 --> 00:13:30,663
was maybe saved to the cloud?
383
00:13:30,747 --> 00:13:31,790
I don't know.
384
00:13:31,874 --> 00:13:34,835
Gina, was Captain Holt's hard
drive backed up to the cloud?
385
00:13:34,919 --> 00:13:36,336
Yeah. Then why did you let me
386
00:13:36,420 --> 00:13:37,754
try to rebuild his computer?
387
00:13:37,838 --> 00:13:38,964
Because I'm a rascal.
388
00:13:39,215 --> 00:13:42,969
Okay, I'll just log onto
the cloud as Captain Holt
389
00:13:43,053 --> 00:13:45,722
and click "forgot password"
390
00:13:45,806 --> 00:13:47,558
and answer his security questions.
391
00:13:47,642 --> 00:13:50,687
First up, what is God?
392
00:13:50,978 --> 00:13:52,063
SCULLY: Hey, Gina.
393
00:13:52,271 --> 00:13:54,148
Did you see Real Housewives last night?
394
00:13:54,232 --> 00:13:56,443
If she says no, then
ask about "Below Deck."
395
00:13:56,527 --> 00:13:57,611
What are you doing?
396
00:13:57,695 --> 00:13:59,446
She's getting suspicious, Scully.
Act natural.
397
00:13:59,530 --> 00:14:01,489
Are you wearing an earpiece? Tell her no.
398
00:14:01,573 --> 00:14:03,117
Scully, stop saying what I'm saying.
399
00:14:03,201 --> 00:14:04,285
Be normal.
400
00:14:05,370 --> 00:14:06,412
Charles, what are you doing?
401
00:14:06,496 --> 00:14:07,496
Damn it, Gina.
402
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:08,664
What does it look like I'm doing?
403
00:14:08,748 --> 00:14:11,126
I'm trying to unlock your
phone, using a mask of your face
404
00:14:11,210 --> 00:14:13,086
so I can find out why
your mom left my dad.
405
00:14:13,170 --> 00:14:14,713
Charles, give me my phone.
406
00:14:14,797 --> 00:14:15,881
Okay, fine.
407
00:14:17,341 --> 00:14:19,427
Boom, unlocked it.
Give me my phone, Charles.
408
00:14:19,511 --> 00:14:21,596
Not until I find out why
our parents are breaking up.
409
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:22,722
Give it. Scrolling, scrolling.
410
00:14:22,806 --> 00:14:24,807
Give me my phone, you idiot.
You were the reason.
411
00:14:24,891 --> 00:14:27,227
You sent her a text that says,
"You should divorce him"?
412
00:14:27,311 --> 00:14:29,188
Okay, yeah, but that's
open to interpretation.
413
00:14:29,272 --> 00:14:30,814
No, but then she says, "I don't want to,"
414
00:14:30,898 --> 00:14:33,984
and then you say, "But you have to.
Leave him now, and divorce him.
415
00:14:34,068 --> 00:14:35,279
"Don't tell him why."
416
00:14:35,446 --> 00:14:37,698
Okay, yeah, you did
interpret it correctly.
417
00:14:40,075 --> 00:14:42,118
Shame, shame.
418
00:14:42,202 --> 00:14:43,996
I'm so sorry I brought Holt back here.
419
00:14:44,080 --> 00:14:45,873
I had no idea you were doing
this whole Die Hard thing.
420
00:14:45,957 --> 00:14:47,750
Man, you really got
the hair exactly right.
421
00:14:47,834 --> 00:14:49,877
Did you contact the on-set
hair stylist, Paul Abascal?
422
00:14:49,961 --> 00:14:50,962
No, this is a wig.
423
00:14:51,046 --> 00:14:52,714
That's cool, too.
So, here's what I'm thinking.
424
00:14:52,798 --> 00:14:55,133
We let Holt go, I have sex
with Holly Gennaro, but hotter.
425
00:14:55,217 --> 00:14:57,260
The squad handles the
captain, or disbands, whatever,
426
00:14:57,344 --> 00:14:58,429
we have sex again…
427
00:14:58,513 --> 00:15:00,682
Okay, stop suggesting that.
We need to stay focused.
428
00:15:00,766 --> 00:15:02,100
Right. Holt is fragile.
429
00:15:02,225 --> 00:15:03,685
We need to be gentle, okay?
430
00:15:03,769 --> 00:15:05,228
Just follow my lead. With pleasure.
431
00:15:05,312 --> 00:15:06,730
I love the view. I'm sorry.
432
00:15:06,814 --> 00:15:08,483
This outfit is driving me insane.
433
00:15:08,983 --> 00:15:11,318
Hello, sir. Sorry again for tying you
434
00:15:11,402 --> 00:15:12,695
spread eagle on the bed.
435
00:15:12,779 --> 00:15:14,447
Apology not accepted.
436
00:15:14,531 --> 00:15:16,032
SANTIAGO: Look, I know you're upset,
437
00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:18,827
but this isn't your last chance
to become commissioner.
438
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,120
John Kelly's old.
439
00:15:20,204 --> 00:15:21,580
He's not gonna be in office forever.
440
00:15:21,664 --> 00:15:24,750
True, but he'll just be replaced by
another mediocre old white man.
441
00:15:24,834 --> 00:15:25,835
Nothing will ever change.
442
00:15:25,919 --> 00:15:28,963
All right, well, what about all
your goals for the Nine-Nine?
443
00:15:29,047 --> 00:15:30,674
You still have so
much left to accomplish.
444
00:15:30,758 --> 00:15:33,135
Wrong, I've accomplished
everything that I set out to do.
445
00:15:33,219 --> 00:15:35,095
I wanted to reduce crime, and I did.
446
00:15:35,179 --> 00:15:36,763
There's no crime in Brooklyn anymore.
447
00:15:36,847 --> 00:15:37,849
Seems like a bit of a stretch.
448
00:15:37,933 --> 00:15:39,726
What about improving community relations?
449
00:15:39,810 --> 00:15:42,145
Done. Everyone loves the police.
It's embarrassing.
450
00:15:42,229 --> 00:15:44,313
Way off.
All right, Ame, step aside, I got this.
451
00:15:44,397 --> 00:15:46,483
Captain, what about the Halloween Heist?
452
00:15:46,567 --> 00:15:48,569
I'll just come in and win it
and then go back to my house.
453
00:15:48,653 --> 00:15:49,903
Damn it. I'm out. Jake.
454
00:15:49,987 --> 00:15:52,531
All right, fine, sir, do you know
why I love coming to work?
455
00:15:52,615 --> 00:15:54,284
Because there's a bumper
pool table in the break room.
456
00:15:54,368 --> 00:15:56,244
Yes, obviously I love
the bumper pool table.
457
00:15:56,328 --> 00:15:58,455
But do you want to know
another reason why?
458
00:15:58,705 --> 00:15:59,706
You.
459
00:15:59,790 --> 00:16:01,250
You've made me a better cop.
460
00:16:01,334 --> 00:16:02,710
You've made me a better person.
461
00:16:02,794 --> 00:16:04,587
I've learned so much from you.
462
00:16:04,671 --> 00:16:08,258
So, you can't quit, because I need you.
463
00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:12,137
Oh, please. How selfish.
464
00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:13,889
What? That little speech you just gave.
465
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,766
It was all about you and what you need.
466
00:16:15,850 --> 00:16:17,518
How unbelievably selfish.
467
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,812
Okay, well, I don't want
to get mad right now,
468
00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:21,564
'cause I know Amy, is
worried about you, so…
469
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,108
No, screw that noise.
470
00:16:23,275 --> 00:16:25,278
How dare you call Jake selfish?
471
00:16:25,570 --> 00:16:27,488
He just wasted his entire honeymoon
472
00:16:27,572 --> 00:16:29,323
trying to take care of
you while you wallowed
473
00:16:29,407 --> 00:16:31,450
in your misery, like a little baby.
474
00:16:31,534 --> 00:16:33,369
That seems a little harsh. Oh, does it?
475
00:16:33,453 --> 00:16:35,079
I don't give a hoot. Oh, damn.
476
00:16:35,163 --> 00:16:36,372
For the last five years,
477
00:16:36,456 --> 00:16:40,127
all I've done is give a hoot
about you and what you think.
478
00:16:40,211 --> 00:16:41,796
I gave a hoot about you as a boss.
479
00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,380
I gave a hoot about you as a mentor.
480
00:16:43,464 --> 00:16:45,341
I gave a hoot about you as a friend.
481
00:16:45,425 --> 00:16:46,967
She gave so many hoots.
482
00:16:47,051 --> 00:16:49,012
Not anymore. After the way you've acted
483
00:16:49,096 --> 00:16:50,639
and what you just said to Jake,
484
00:16:50,723 --> 00:16:52,307
I don't give a hoot what you think,
485
00:16:52,391 --> 00:16:53,809
and I really don't give a hoot
486
00:16:53,893 --> 00:16:56,563
if you decide to quit the NYPD, so do it.
487
00:16:56,771 --> 00:16:57,939
I'm all out of hoots.
488
00:16:58,023 --> 00:16:59,190
I'm hootless.
489
00:17:00,609 --> 00:17:02,527
-Now, what I want to say is…
-SANTIAGO: Jake.
490
00:17:02,611 --> 00:17:03,821
Coming, Holly Gennaro.
491
00:17:07,199 --> 00:17:09,326
Hey, I thought piña
coladas might be too festive,
492
00:17:09,410 --> 00:17:12,163
so, I got two super-depressing
coconuts filled with Merlot.
493
00:17:12,247 --> 00:17:14,457
I'm not depressed. I'm relieved.
494
00:17:14,541 --> 00:17:17,377
For the first time all
week, it's just the two of us.
495
00:17:17,461 --> 00:17:18,503
I'm right here.
496
00:17:18,587 --> 00:17:20,937
I escaped using some of
the lube Boyle sent you.
497
00:17:21,215 --> 00:17:22,383
It got everywhere. I had to change.
498
00:17:22,467 --> 00:17:25,386
Yeah, and your new shirt is
very aggressive and confusing.
499
00:17:25,595 --> 00:17:28,014
Is the pineapple the slut, or is
it calling someone else a slut?
500
00:17:28,098 --> 00:17:29,933
Clearly the pineapple is the slut.
501
00:17:30,017 --> 00:17:31,643
Look, I wanted to say I'm sorry.
502
00:17:31,727 --> 00:17:34,188
Yeah?
Maybe find someone who gives a hoot.
503
00:17:34,396 --> 00:17:35,648
Try an owl cage.
504
00:17:35,732 --> 00:17:38,484
Honey, I love you, but not your best.
505
00:17:38,568 --> 00:17:39,735
Look, you have every right
506
00:17:39,819 --> 00:17:42,469
not to accept my apology,
but at least, hear it first.
507
00:17:42,907 --> 00:17:44,616
I'm sorry, I said Jake was selfish.
508
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:46,451
I'm sorry, I ruined your honeymoon.
509
00:17:46,535 --> 00:17:49,246
I'm sorry I interrupted your
Die Hard-themed sexcapades.
510
00:17:49,330 --> 00:17:52,083
You don't have to list
everything, it's cool.
511
00:17:52,167 --> 00:17:56,212
Right. I thought if I played by the
NYPD's rules and didn't make any waves,
512
00:17:56,296 --> 00:17:59,133
one day I would rise to a position
where I could make meaningful change.
513
00:17:59,217 --> 00:18:01,176
When they hired John Kelly,
514
00:18:01,260 --> 00:18:02,469
I realized I was wrong,
515
00:18:02,553 --> 00:18:04,303
and I thought I was out of options.
516
00:18:04,472 --> 00:18:06,558
But then you tied me
to your bed, legs akimbo,
517
00:18:06,642 --> 00:18:09,687
and made me realize
there was another way.
518
00:18:10,020 --> 00:18:12,564
I could not give a hoot.
519
00:18:12,648 --> 00:18:14,483
Wow, the hoot thing is catching on.
Didn't see that coming.
520
00:18:14,567 --> 00:18:16,736
I'm going to go directly
to the mayor and tell him
521
00:18:16,820 --> 00:18:19,238
John Kelly's "vigilant policing" proposal
522
00:18:19,322 --> 00:18:21,122
is regressive and counterproductive,
523
00:18:21,533 --> 00:18:22,784
and if he implements it,
524
00:18:22,868 --> 00:18:24,453
I'm gonna make a big stink in the press.
525
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,788
Going over the commissioner
and threatening the mayor, sir?
526
00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:28,540
Don't you think that'll piss him off?
527
00:18:28,624 --> 00:18:30,168
I don't give a hoot.
528
00:18:31,420 --> 00:18:33,087
Listen, I'm on the next plane back,
529
00:18:33,171 --> 00:18:35,214
but I wanted to pay for
you two to extend your stay
530
00:18:35,298 --> 00:18:37,258
so you can have a proper honeymoon.
531
00:18:37,342 --> 00:18:39,386
Sir, thank you.
532
00:18:39,470 --> 00:18:40,930
That's very nice, right, Jake?
533
00:18:41,014 --> 00:18:43,557
Yeah, super cool. Just out
of curiosity, asking for a friend,
534
00:18:43,641 --> 00:18:46,061
where did you get the shirt,
and how much did it cost?
535
00:18:46,145 --> 00:18:48,229
Oh. You're still wearing the mask?
536
00:18:48,313 --> 00:18:50,023
Yeah, to hide my sadness.
537
00:18:50,107 --> 00:18:51,900
I'll take it off. No, don't.
538
00:18:51,984 --> 00:18:53,361
For some reason, it's easier
539
00:18:53,445 --> 00:18:55,696
to care about what you
say when you look like me.
540
00:18:55,780 --> 00:18:58,032
Why did you tell your
mom to leave my dad, Gina?
541
00:18:58,116 --> 00:18:59,742
Is it so bad being a Boyle?
542
00:18:59,826 --> 00:19:01,077
Yes, it's terrible,
543
00:19:01,162 --> 00:19:02,829
but that's not why I did it.
544
00:19:02,913 --> 00:19:05,916
My mom was cheating on your dad,
so I told her she had to break it off.
545
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:07,626
What? Why didn't you tell me?
546
00:19:07,710 --> 00:19:09,295
Because I didn't want to hurt you or him.
547
00:19:09,379 --> 00:19:10,630
She was being disgusting,
548
00:19:10,714 --> 00:19:12,048
so I told her she had to end it.
549
00:19:12,132 --> 00:19:13,257
You were trying to protect us.
550
00:19:13,341 --> 00:19:14,759
Gina, you were actually being sweet.
551
00:19:14,843 --> 00:19:16,219
Uh-doi.
552
00:19:17,346 --> 00:19:19,264
How's it going, Sarge? Not good.
553
00:19:19,348 --> 00:19:20,641
I'm reading this book on religion,
554
00:19:20,725 --> 00:19:23,143
and apparently there's some
debate as to what God is.
555
00:19:23,227 --> 00:19:25,230
Don't worry about it.
Gina had the manual.
556
00:19:25,314 --> 00:19:28,274
What? Why didn't she just give it to me?
'Cause she's a rascal.
557
00:19:28,358 --> 00:19:29,443
Look at what it says.
558
00:19:30,277 --> 00:19:33,948
"Never use italics, lest people
think you are a con-man or a clown."
559
00:19:34,032 --> 00:19:35,825
I'm not sure how this applies here.
560
00:19:35,909 --> 00:19:36,909
No. Under that.
561
00:19:36,993 --> 00:19:39,787
"If you are unsure of
what to do in any situation,
562
00:19:39,871 --> 00:19:42,208
"consult Sergeant Jeffords.
563
00:19:42,917 --> 00:19:44,167
"I trust him completely."
564
00:19:45,211 --> 00:19:46,586
Well, that's a kick in the butt.
565
00:19:46,670 --> 00:19:48,381
So, what should I do, Sarge?
566
00:19:49,633 --> 00:19:51,718
Tell sanitation you'll
work the case together.
567
00:19:51,802 --> 00:19:55,096
You're the primary, and HQ can
take it out of the supplemental budget.
568
00:19:55,180 --> 00:19:56,474
I'll find the room. Cool.
569
00:19:57,016 --> 00:19:58,976
Top Dog Terry's back. [BARKS]
570
00:19:59,060 --> 00:20:00,394
[BARKS]
571
00:20:00,853 --> 00:20:01,895
PERALTA: Okay, you ready?
572
00:20:01,979 --> 00:20:03,064
Mmm-hmm.
573
00:20:04,900 --> 00:20:05,900
Hello.
574
00:20:05,984 --> 00:20:07,360
Oh, my God.
575
00:20:07,444 --> 00:20:08,737
Are you Melville Dewey?
576
00:20:08,821 --> 00:20:10,113
Indeed I am.
577
00:20:10,197 --> 00:20:12,366
I invented the Dewey decimal system,
578
00:20:12,450 --> 00:20:14,243
but right now I'm working on
579
00:20:14,327 --> 00:20:16,454
the "Do-me" decimal system.
580
00:20:16,538 --> 00:20:18,497
Mmm-hmm. Yeah.
This is really working for me.
581
00:20:18,581 --> 00:20:19,583
Really? Yeah.
582
00:20:19,667 --> 00:20:21,293
Awesome. So, Mr. Dewey,
583
00:20:21,377 --> 00:20:24,838
can you save me from the terrorists
that have taken over Nakatomi Plaza?
584
00:20:24,922 --> 00:20:26,465
Yes, Holly Gennaro,
585
00:20:26,549 --> 00:20:29,719
I just need to file them in the library…
586
00:20:29,803 --> 00:20:31,471
Card catalog…
587
00:20:31,555 --> 00:20:33,806
Yeah, this is really hard to track.
Let's just take our clothes off.
588
00:20:33,890 --> 00:20:36,394
Thank God.
This old jacket is so hot. Yeah.
589
00:20:36,936 --> 00:20:38,228
SANTIAGO: That was magical.
590
00:20:38,312 --> 00:20:39,313
I can't believe we're back.
591
00:20:39,397 --> 00:20:41,774
I refuse to accept it.
I'm still coconuting.
592
00:20:41,899 --> 00:20:44,402
This is filled with coffee.
It is very hot.
593
00:20:44,486 --> 00:20:47,322
Coconut is not a good insulator.
No, it's not.
594
00:20:47,406 --> 00:20:49,240
Captain. Peralta, Santiago,
595
00:20:49,324 --> 00:20:50,575
how was the end of the honeymoon?
596
00:20:50,659 --> 00:20:51,869
It was amazing.
597
00:20:51,953 --> 00:20:53,954
Not to brag, but I saw a sea turtle.
598
00:20:54,038 --> 00:20:55,539
Kind of sounds like
you're bragging, babe.
599
00:20:55,623 --> 00:20:56,916
I was. It looked right at me.
600
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,250
How'd it go here?
Did you contact the mayor?
601
00:20:58,334 --> 00:21:00,504
Yes. I voiced my concerns
as soon as I got back.
602
00:21:00,588 --> 00:21:02,506
He heard me out, and
he's put John Kelly's
603
00:21:02,590 --> 00:21:04,758
"vigilant policing"
initiative under review.
604
00:21:04,842 --> 00:21:06,677
Way to go, No Hoots Holt.
605
00:21:06,761 --> 00:21:08,763
Was Kelly pissed? Very much so.
606
00:21:08,847 --> 00:21:11,432
To retaliate, he closed the
bottom floor of the Nine-Nine
607
00:21:11,516 --> 00:21:13,018
for renovations, indefinitely.
608
00:21:13,143 --> 00:21:15,104
Everyone's been moved to our bullpen.
Wait. What?
609
00:21:15,188 --> 00:21:16,188
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
610
00:21:16,272 --> 00:21:17,773
Prepare yourselves.
611
00:21:19,233 --> 00:21:21,736
The Nine-Nine is at war with the NYPD.
612
00:21:22,362 --> 00:21:23,572
[GENERAL CLAMOR]
613
00:21:24,198 --> 00:21:26,200
BOTH: Ay caramba.