JEFFORDS: I've been going at him for six hours.
He won't say a word. The guy's a brick wall.
Not to worry, Sarge. I'll take it from here.
Hope you boys brought popcorn,
'cause I'm about to put on a show.
[GASPS]
Well, well, well.
I hear you don't like answering questions, Marcos.
That's fine by me, 'cause I'm not asking.
-[CLATTERING] -Oh. Handle fell off. I'll just grab that.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Nope. So, looks like we're locked in.
That's bad news for you,
'cause you're trapped in here with a psycho.
Has anyone tried it from the outside?
Lock's broken. Gotta call Facilities.
Copy that. No rush.
As I said, I got all the time in the…
It's a little warm in here, right?
Do you feel any air coming out of that vent? I got nothing.
We got an ETA on Facilities? At least 45 minutes.
And they've checked all this paint for lead, right?
And the room for asbestos?
I feel like I'm sucking on a tailpipe in here, Marcos!
Everybody get away from the mirror!
[CLANGING]
Come on!
I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
Hey, calm down, man.
I'll confess. Just stop freaking out.
What? I did it.
I robbed 'em. Boom!
And that's how it's done.
I was faking the whole thing to break him.
I could have stayed in here forever.
Good, 'cause Facilities is gonna be a couple hours.
We're gonna die in here!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
But in my version, everything is a Transformer except cars.
Oh, right, like some wisecracking biscotti
that transforms into a missile launcher. No way!
Well, it might be hard to do the CGI on the biscotti,
but, yeah, I think we could pull it off. Huh?
No, I wasn't listening to either of you. Ah.
-Look who's in Captain Holt's office. -PERALTA: Who that lady?
You are looking at the Second Circuit Court of Appeals judge,
Laverne Holt.
Captain Holt's mom? [GASPS] The creator.
SANTIAGO: Widowed at age 39,
Laverne Kinnebrew Holt single-handedly raised two children
and still managed to become one of the first black, female federal judges.
Wow. Someone read her Wikipedia page.
No, Jake, I wrote it.
Oh. [GASPS] Shh!
Okay, the door's opening. We're gonna meet her.
Everybody be cool. Be cool!
Santiago, what are you up to?
Just jammin'.
Jam on, jam on.
Okay, never mind. Peralta, come into my office, please.
[WHIMPERS] Sorry, baby, but…
Do you think it was the "jam on" thing?
Yeah, I think it was the "jam on" thing.
Detective Peralta, this is my mother, the Honorable Laverne Holt.
PERALTA: I'm very excited to meet you.
And let me just say, I'm a huge fan of your early work.
Talking about this guy right here.
That was humor, Mother.
I know, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
I love laughing and laughter. Oh.
Yes, we all do, but enough chitchat.
Peralta, my mother's house was burgled.
And you want me to cover the case
because I'm your favorite detective of all time.
Yes.
Also the "jam on" incident. Favorite.
So, why don't you tell us what happened.
When I got home last night, I noticed that the window had been smashed,
the apartment was a mess, they took all of my jewelry.
I assume they entered through the window,
but I don't want to color your opinions.
Too late, but note taken.
We'll stop by later and check out the crime scene.
That sounds appropriate.
Well, I should be going. Detective. Captain.
Your Honor. Detective. Captain. Your Honor.
Hey, this is fun. Let's do it again. Your Honor. Captain.
Humor. Good day, gentlemen.
Okay.
[DOOR CLOSES]
This is amazing.
Spending time with your mother in your childhood home.
Ah, the adorable baby pictures, the embarrassing stories.
The Founding Fathers underoos.
There will be no underoos.
You went commando? That's enough.
Okay. This is a case.
I expect you to act in a professional manner,
not a personal one.
I know, sometimes, it's difficult for you to separate the two.
Ah! You're referring to the fact that I love making everything pro-fer-sonal.
Copyright, me. Yeah, people love that around here,
especially Amy, if you know what I mean.
Wink. Finger gun.
Perhaps Boyle is still available.
No, no, no, I'll be good. I'll leave.
SCULLY: Oh! Emergency, Hitchcock!
They're stealing Brown Betty. Freeze!
Get your hands off the couch.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Calm down. We're getting a new one.
We finally got some money to spruce up the break room.
What? The break room's perfect the way it is.
It's so comfortable and relaxed.
I can put my butt or feet on any surface in there.
Exactly. It's disgusting, which is why we're fixing it.
I'm open to any and all suggestions.
Two words. Property Brothers.
And they would say, "Two words, open concept."
So, four words, "Property Brothers, open concept."
DIAZ: Let's draw from a wide variety of sources.
Anything from Cameron Diaz's kitchen in The Holiday,
to Kate Winslet's kitchen in The Holiday.
Is that such a huge range?
Why would Iris and Amanda swap houses if they had the same damn kitchen?
Okay. Good point.
Open concept, Nancy Meyers-style kitchen.
Two great ideas. Let's keep 'em coming.
We could get one of those spot-the-difference arcade games
with pictures of naked ladies.
Tapped out at two.
Yikes, Amy. What's wrong with you?
I blew a huge opportunity to work a case with Holt's mom.
Oh, yeah, I didn't need an answer.
"What's wrong" is a rhetorical question.
Anyway, I don't have time for your sob story, okay?
I blew a tire on the way here, so I have to call a tow truck.
A tow truck? What?
You don't know how to change a tire?
I am so disappointed.
That is a life skill that every woman should have.
Condescending and untrue.
Why would I do something myself if I could pay someone else to do it?
It's a gig economy, Amy.
But, Gina, it feels so empowering
to use your own hands to change a tire.
Phone, call me a tow truck. No. Phone, no!
Look, Gina, don't call a tow truck, okay?
I will teach you how to change a tire.
You'll be so happy I did.
Okay, fine, but on one condition. You buy me lunch.
What? No, I'm doing you a favor.
Phone… Okay, no, no, no! Whatever you want, fine.
Just let me teach you, please. I need a win today.
Okay, looks like they broke through this window,
rifled through the drawers, and then noticed…
[GASPS]
This adorbs photo of tiny Holt with a tiny bow tie holding a tiny toy.
LAVERNE: That was his first slide rule.
He carried it with him all over preschool.
And then I learned to do trigonometric functions in my head,
like a big boy.
Let's continue with the investigation. Copy that.
The alarm company said the break-in happened around 7:30.
Most people are home at that time.
Is there anyone who knew you'd be out?
The people who were with me at wine club.
Oh, my! I just remembered,
Carol Spitzheim's house was broken into several months ago,
also during wine club.
Interesting. The odds of that happening coincidentally are vanishingly small.
I would say infinitesimally.
Yes, and I would say teenily-weenily. We all know words.
So, sounds like we should go undercover
to the next wine club meeting and scope it out.
You think you can get us in? I think I can arrange that.
-There's one tonight. -PERALTA: Great.
Final question. Is this little Raymond's macaroni art?
No, that's a macaroni infographic he made
about educational spending
during the Johnson administration.
[SIGHS] Of course it is. I love it.
Detective Peralta, can I speak to you in my childhood bedroom?
Oh, my God! Yes.
Wait, this isn't your bedroom.
No, it's a regular room.
You tricked me. That's right.
My childhood bedroom is for good detectives
who aren't embarrassing themselves.
It is? I know you're having fun,
but enough is enough with the prying personal questions.
You're annoying my mother. Are you blind? We're vibing like crazy.
I assure you, my mother's not a vibrator.
Definitely not what that's short for.
I know her very well,
and she would never, uh, connect with someone such as yourself, no offense.
Rude. I'm sorry. What I mean is
she and I are very similar. Hurtful.
All I'm saying is, she's not interested in skateboards and soft-water drinks.
I happen to think you're wrong.
I think she and I make a wonderful pair, and we're already becoming friends.
Now that is humor.
Is everything all right?
Yes, we're all done in here, Your Honor.
"Your Honor"? Don't be so formal. Call me Laverne.
Oh.
Okay, Laverne. You got it, Laverne.
[WHISPERING] Laverne.
Well, I know we're undercover, but I gotta say,
I'm dying to get a little tipsy at wine club
and just dish with my new BFF, Laverne.
Mmm. It's cute you think that.
My mother doesn't dish.
It's one of her better qualities.
And you know who else she told to call her "Laverne"?
The mailman. The substitute mailman.
Hello. I'm Judge Holt.
It's nice to meet you. I'm Tyrone Beverton,
a Bordeaux enthusiast who sometimes dabbles in the Burgundies, if forced.
And I'm Tank Hendricks. Moms love me. Oh…
Strange detail. But believable.
Oh, uh, Daniella, these are two prospective members, Tyrone and Tank.
Tyrone likes Bordeauxs,
and Tank is beloved by mothers. Yes.
Great. Could I get your info for our database?
Absolutely. I live at 100 Charming Avenue.
And Tyrone here is at 3282nd Street, right next to Ya Burnt Pizza.
-Great. Enjoy your tasting. -PERALTA: Thanks.
100 Charming Avenue? It's a real place.
I looked it up, specifically to make you mad.
Okay, I'm gonna go find and catch our perp. Love you, bye.
[EXHALES]
And that is that!
We have shui'd the feng out of this place.
It's beautiful. Are we better at this than our regular jobs?
Unquestionably.
We should start our own home renovation show.
I can see the poster.
I'm on Terry's shoulders screwing in a light bulb,
and Rosa stands by a ladder looking up at us like,
"Oh, boy! What did I get myself into?"
I love that idea. Sign me up.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
SCULLY: Shame. Shame, shame.
What is happening?
You guys messed up. You messed up big time!
And worst of all, you're standing here applauding yourselves for it.
-Shame. -BOYLE: Are you blind?
This place looks amazing.
It looks like a Swedish airport.
Everyone's gonna love it.
Just keep telling yourselves that.
Shame! Shame.
Well, everyone I talked to checked out.
Any luck on your end? None.
Unfortunately we're surrounded by stupid law-abiding citizens.
Check out this guy at the bar. He's furtively looking at my mother.
Well, let's see what he has to say for himself.
Hi, there. I'm Tank, this is Tyrone.
He's the son of a close friend of mine.
Anyway, uh, we're new members.
George Kenderson. I'm fairly new to the club as well.
Mmm. How'd you hear about it?
I, um… I didn't.
You didn't hear about it? That seems rather odd.
Does it? Mmm-hmm.
I'm sorry, I… I gotta leave now.
I've got some work to do. Goodbye.
PERALTA: When it comes to George,
I'm getting hints of guilty with undertones of lying.
Oh, yeah, and a strong bouquet of "up to no good."
[CHUCKLES]
Wine terms.
-And then you release the jack… -[CLANGING]
And voilà.
Tire changed.
[SIGHS] Don't you feel empowered?
Yes, there's nothing more empowering
than getting a condescending colleague to do a menial task for you.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about how you just changed my tire
while I sat here watching a 20-minute video
of a monkey getting its hair combed.
But you were paying attention.
You laughed at my joke. Did I?
I like to call this the jack of all trades.
[LAUGHING] Silly monkey!
Oh, this monkey.
So you really didn't learn anything?
No, but I hope you did.
Can't school Gina.
Gina schools you. Class dismissed.
Hello, Laverne. [SIGHS]
We're not undercover anymore,
so I'm no longer your acquaintance Tank.
I'm back to being your close personal friend Jake.
-Okay. -HOLT: We have a lead.
George Kenderson.
We ran his name through the system.
He got a parking ticket outside your apartment last week.
We think he was casing your place.
Oh, my. That is shocking.
I am shocked right now.
And I am enraged.
We are shocked and enraged.
Yes, and we're all showing it.
I'll get the car. Stay with my mother.
I've never seen her this shocked before.
Jake, I need to tell you something in confidence.
[SIGHS] It's happening. It's dish time. Okay.
George Kenderson did not rob me.
He was not casing my apartment.
How do you know?
He was with me that night.
Doing what? Oh. Doing you.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry.
I mean, way to go! I'm sex positive.
I don't know what to say.
George and I have been in a relationship for two years.
Raymond doesn't know. Please don't tell him.
I'm asking you as a friend.
As a friend.
Copy that.
HOLT: Buckle up.
That car belongs to our lead suspect, George Kenderson.
Lead suspect? Is that how we left it? [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
I remember saying, it can't be Kenderson.
Remember, we made up that little song?
Can't be Kenderson Kenderson is not the one
Back to the drawing board Back to the draw…
Oh! Kenderson is on the move.
PERALTA: Oh. Great.
HOLT: There's something so devious about taking advantage of wine lovers.
But there won't be any wine where you're headed, George.
Unless you make it in a toilet.
Toilet wine. [LAUGHS]
-Let's bring him in, Peralta. -[SIREN BLARING]
Well, wait. Not yet. Why?
'Cause I, uh…
-[SIRENS TURN ON, OFF] -Mmm.
What are you doing?
Forensics says his prints were all over my mother's apartment.
-[SIRENS TURN ON, OFF] -Ah!
-[SIRENS TURN ON, OFF] -[GROANS]
[SIRENS TURNING ON, OFF]
-Nope, nope, nope. -[SIRENS TURN ON, OFF]
Enough! He robbed my mother.
No, he didn't.
He's her lover.
He's your mother's lover. He's lovering your mother.
What? That's not true.
Yes, it is.
I would know if she were seeing someone.
She told me last night.
They've been together for two years.
I see.
And she asked me not to say anything to you.
I see.
PERALTA: So are you upset or just processing
or just stopping in the middle of nowhere
-and getting out of the car? -[CAR HORN HONKING]
-Cool, cool, cool. -[CAR HORN HONKING]
Stop honking! He's going through something!
Hello, sir. How was your walk?
Long and brisk. Wonderful.
You left me in the car, took the keys with you.
It's still there. Doesn't matter.
Look, I know it must have been upsetting
to find out about your mom's… Hmm…
How you say… Sex.
No. Boinking.
No. Doinking. Nah, it's too similar to boinking.
Ah, I'm looking for the words. Ah!
Smashing of stuffs together.
[PAINED GROANING]
Let's just go with she has a boyfriend now.
Yes, I was caught off-guard, but I'm fine now.
Really? Yes.
And don't worry, I understand. She didn't want me to know.
And I will behave in a completely professional manner.
Great. 'Cause she's in your office.
Oh, wonderful. Let's go talk about the case.
Wow! You are taking this so well.
Laverne Kinnebrew Holt, you're under arrest for obstruction of justice.
What? What?
I know you're sleeping with George.
Aw, come on, man.
Raymond, I can tell that you're upset.
I am, because you withheld information from this detective
about an ongoing police investigation.
All right, I don't think this is actually about police stuff.
Maybe we should all just take a deep breath
and consider not arresting our moms?
Fine. You're unarrested, Mother.
And, Detective Peralta, since you two are such good friends,
why don't you handle the case on your own?
[SIGHS] Good day.
Captain.
Hey. What is going on in the kitchen? It's insanely packed.
JEFFORDS: They're all just taking a break.
Why is nobody breaking in the new break room?
'Cause it's a giant turd.
It's the worst.
It's unusable. You guys don't even like it.
-Yes, we do. -HITCHCOCK: Really?
You like those new stools, huh, Charles?
Oh…
Oh… There we go.
And, Rosa, how was your snack?
[GRUNTS]
[SCREAMING]
You know what really chafes my crack?
We spent years crafting that break room
into something special, something comfortable.
A place with so many stains that the new ones just blended in.
Where the couch cushions were so worn down,
they comforted all butts, large or small,
flat or juicy.
"Juicy"? Gross.
SCULLY: We built a masterpiece,
and you amateurs flushed it down the toilet.
Skir-plash.
Was that supposed to be a flushing sound?
Skir-plash.
Hello, Gina.
[GROANS]
I knew a truck carrying Khloé Kardashian jeans
didn't overturn in the parking garage.
The only thing that's overturned
is your decision to not learn how to fix a tire.
Why won't you let this go?
My parents wanted me to learn how to change a tire,
and I thought it was a waste of time.
Like any other 16-year-old girl,
all I wanted to do was sit in my room alone
reading books on US history.
Ugh! Every story about your childhood makes me so sad.
Then one day on the way to math camp…
Oh, sad. Our tire blew out,
and my mother made me fix it.
She said I should never be dependent on anyone for anything.
[SIGHS] And neither should you.
So we're not gonna leave here
until you learn how to fix this. Oh!
[AIR HISSING]
Oh, damn.
Power play.
And very moving speech.
Thank you. One little thing though.
That's not my car. That's my car.
Same make, same model,
but you just slashed a random stranger's tire.
Oopsie! [LAUGHS]
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
Ah! Hey, Captain.
Whoa! Look at that map work.
Sick as heck.
Oh, an attempt at flattery. Well, it won't work.
This was Boyle's map, and it was adequate at best.
Okay, I called some precincts,
and it turns out that while we were at wine club,
there was an attempted break-in
at 100 Charming Avenue.
Oh, yes, the address you used at the wine club specifically to make me mad.
Well, I wouldn't put it that way.
You put it that way last night, verbatim.
And I totally regret that now, and I hope that we can move on,
but the point is, the only person
who heard me use that address was…
Daniella Andrade.
The mailing-list lady from the wine club.
She would give the addresses to her husband, Tommy…
Hi, Tommy… And he would break into the houses
while the occupants were out sipping vino.
Okay, case closed.
Great. So you want to call your mother?
Tell her we solved it? No need.
You can tell Laverne the whole story over brunch.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
All right, sir, I'm sorry
that I got in the middle of your family business,
but I'm afraid I have to get in the middle of it again.
Look, I don't talk about this a lot,
but I actually have had
a difficult relationship with one of my parents.
Yes, your father. You talk about it obsessively.
Well, I wouldn't say "obsessively."
I mean, sure, there are times
where I wish he was there for me more but…
Peralta. Right. Sorry, you.
Look, in my experience the best thing to do
in these types of situations is just talk about it.
That's not the relationship my mother and I have.
We're not open like that.
Really? Because you're open with me.
Only because you ask me annoying, intrusive,
personal questions all the time.
Exactly. You need to do that.
Be the Jake in the conversation.
You want me to just say, "Cowabunga, Mom"?
Ah, yes, that would be awesome.
Well, it's not gonna happen.
Alas, we are not cowabunga people.
Dismissed.
Once again, I am so sorry about your tire.
Just accidentally slashed it with my knife. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
How does that happen accidentally?
It's very common. I should know, I'm a cop.
Anyway, I will pay for the damage.
Wait, what's happening? My tire is fine.
It is? It is!
Of course it is.
Because this is all part of my prank show,
Fake Tire Slashers.
Whoo! And you have won… $27.
And a dime.
There's cameras everywhere.
Okay.
Thank you.
Wondering what happened?
I happened.
Out of the darkness, a hero emerges.
You know, using only my bare hands
and also a few tools
I replaced that plebe's flat with one of my tires.
You changed a tire!
You were listening to me.
Not at all. I watched a video online on how to do it.
But I will give you this, it was really empowering.
Right? And you did such an impressive job,
especially for your first time.
Oh, no, I had a bunch of practice.
I actually used your car for that.
Thank you so much.
Oh…
You still changed a tire.
Counting this as a win.
Okay, you were right about the break room.
Nuh doy.
Nobody liked it, and it wasn't functional.
Double nuh doy.
So we tried to put everything back the way it was.
-We want your seal of approval. -HITCHCOCK: Oh!
We'll be the judge of that.
Yes, that's what we're asking for.
It's beautiful. [GASPS]
You even got back the bumper pool table no one ever uses.
Wait a minute, you liars!
What's that nice couch doing here?
The old couch didn't make it.
The second the sunlight hit it, it turned to dust.
Sorry, guys, we're stuck with the nice, clean expensive sofa.
But I guess we'll just have to make do.
Oh, we'll make do. We'll make do all over it.
[JEFFORDS, DIAZ, BOYLE GROANING]
Well, I just mean we'll fix it.
Hells yeah, we will.
[SNORING]
-DIAZ: Should we wake them? -JEFFORDS: Nah,
let 'em sleep. They earned it.
Daniella and her husband confessed
to the burglary and two others.
We've already recovered a number of your items.
Thank you for the information.
Where's Raymond? Oh.
He couldn't make it.
He's attending to some urgent business.
That's a stone-cold lie.
Raymond?
Cowabunga, Mother!
What? Yes.
We need to talk. I'd say that's accurate.
Well, it looks like my work is done here.
I'll just be leaving. Oh, damn it.
Handle's still broken off. Uh…
Just pretend I'm not here. I'll close my eyes.
I'm hurt that you didn't feel comfortable
telling me about George Kenderson.
I didn't know how to.
We're not very good at talking about personal matters.
I'd categorize that as an understatement.
Humor? Yes, to alleviate some of the tension.
It worked.
After your father died, my personal life was very sad.
I didn't talk to you about it, because I wanted you to think I was strong.
And I wanted you to think the same of me.
I guess eventually we stopped talking about
personal matters altogether.
I think it's time we let each other off the hook.
From now on, I'm going to be 15% more forthcoming
on personal details
and 5% more physically affectionate.
And I will adjust in kind,
while also implementing a 12% increase
in impromptu communication.
Oh, Raymond.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Ah, this is such a beautiful moment.
Are you guys hugging? It feels like a hugging moment.
In the workplace? Don't be absurd.
Stop yelling at me. I saved the day!