Attention, squad.
Here's where we stand vis-à-vis whether or not the precinct will be shut down.
The precinct will be shut down.
-What? -ALL: No!
But I thought the official hearing wasn't until tonight.
Amy's friend at HQ heard that maybe the Seven-Four was getting shut down instead.
There's no way that's true. Amy doesn't have a friend.
I do so!
Although, I only see her at work events,
and we only talk through email.
Oh, God, she's just a colleague.
HOLT: Santiago's work acquaintance is correct.
Tonight at 7:00, the committee is choosing between us and the Seven-Four,
although the Seven-Four has a significant advantage.
They house an elite gang task force.
Well, this is on you, sir.
I begged you for a task force, but no,
you wouldn't give me funding
for strike-team Thunder-kill Alpha: Hard Target.
You never told me what it was for.
It's a strike team that
kills thunder and puts its colon on hard targets.
They're gonna split us up and send us all to different precincts.
This is the last time I'm gonna stand up here and look at you guys.
Hitchcock, close your damn legs!
No! This isn't over yet.
Sure, maybe we don't have strike-team Thunder-kill Alpha: Hard Target,
but we're the Nine-Nine.
We have Rosa and Charles, Gina, Amy and Terry, and Carl!
It's Mark. Sorry.
I was just trying to include someone from outside the inner circle.
There's an inner circle?
The point is we're not rolling over.
We're gonna solve a huge case before the hearing tonight,
and then the NYPD cannot shut us down.
So, come on, Captain, give me something big and juicy.
What do you got?
A 10-year-old had his bike stolen.
We are S'd in the B.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
Hi-de-ho there, Charlie old boy. Come have a seat.
Beanbags? But these are happy seats. Why are you happy?
Oh, my God, you figured out how to save the precinct.
[GASPS] You got a juicy case!
You juiced this mama. Nope, same unjuicy case.
New juicier attitude.
The way I see it, if this is to be our last ride,
then let us go out in a blaze of glory. Ooh.
Charles, think about anything you ever wanted to do on a case.
We're doing it today.
Oh, hence the beanbags.
"Hence" is right, and also, hence, we're gonna drive around
in the coolest undercover car in the impound lot.
Herbie from Herbie Fully Loaded. What? No.
You really think Herbie Fully Loaded was on the impound lot?
Without a doubt. Well, anyway, it's a Mustang.
It's got a stripe down the middle.
Like Herbie. Okay.
One question, can we wear matching leather jackets?
Oh, man, I don't know if we're gonna have
time to pull something like that together!
What!
Blaze of glory!
Blaze of glory.
You're not giving us any new cases?
There's nothing to work on.
Damn it! So, this is how it ends.
Well, every ending is a new beginning.
[CHUCKLES] Another great Gina Linetti entrance.
You better savor these while you still can, Sarge.
Gina, I am not in the mood.
How are you so unaffected by all this?
Because I have already moved on.
I'm devoting my energy to my new project, Ginazon.
It's a one-stop online portal for my legions of followers.
Speaking of whom… What's up, G-Hive? It's Queen Gee.
I'm bored at work, so I'm gonna prank all my coworkers.
That sounds like a bad idea for an already crappy day.
Fine, Sarge. I won't do it.
I will do it. So, you can count this as my first prank I guess, unofficially.
Hey, Diaz, HQ isn't giving us any new cases because we might shut down.
You have anything?
No, sorry, I got nothing. Oh, man!
I am one arrest away from the all-time precinct record.
Two more solves would have put me over the top.
So? Nothing wrong with second place.
Name one silver medalist.
Michelle Kwan. She fell, Rosa. She fell so much!
Oh, yeah.
Besides, it's not about me wanting the record.
It's about who currently has it. Hitchcock.
Hitchcock? Hitchcock?
How is that possible?
He's been here 20 years longer than me,
and New York City in the '80s was basically The Purge.
I always knew I was the best cop in the Nine-Nine,
and now there's proof.
Oh, man! My pasghetti!
We're getting you that record.
Hey, can I talk to the Captain?
Ugh, he's on the phone.
Do you want a coffee while you wait?
They made me an extra one on accident.
Oh, sure. Thank you.
Oh, my God! What is that?
Cement! You just drank cement!
Guys, check back in to see if she dies. Ugh. [CHOKING]
You're not really gonna die probably, okay?
Just a little honey for the G-Hive.
Also, you can talk to Holt. He is not on the phone.
What is happening?
It's a little something I call… Two pranks for the price of one!
[GASPS] Santiago, I'm on the phone.
GINA: Triple prank!
I'm so sorry, sir. I can come back later.
No, it's too late. The call was ruined.
Goodbye, dear. What do you want?
Well, since there's a good chance that things are coming to an end,
I just wanted to say thank you for everything that you've taught me.
I know you may not see yourself as my mentor, but…
Of course, I do. I've been mentoring you all this time.
What?
This is day 1,282 of a nine-year mentorship I had mapped out for you.
Under ordinary circumstances, I wouldn't reveal this to you until day 3,300.
It was real. There was a binder.
Not anymore.
No! You can still mentor me if we don't work together.
We could meet for breakfast every day. You could teach me over eggs.
Eggs for breakfast? You're further behind than I thought.
Ah! No, look, okay. There are 10 hours left, sir.
If you talk fast enough, you can teach me everything.
Interesting. Okay.
You'll have to take notes. Do you think you can keep up?
Let's just say I was president of the stenographer's club
in high school for a reason.
Was the reason because you were the only member?
Yes.
This is so cool! I feel like we're in a cologne ad.
Oh, yeah, check this out. Whoop! Yeah!
Cleaning your teeth in public like you just don't give a what.
No, it's like a cool toothpick like Stallone in Cobra.
Eh, lateral move.
Hey, I know this is just a stolen-bike case, but you know what we should do?
Stand back-to-back with our guns drawn,
while we're surrounded by bad guys.
You know what I call that?
The man sprinkler. Bullet tornado.
Yep, bullet tornado.
What was yours? I didn't hear it. Same as you. Bullet tornado.
The important thing is we don't have to talk about it anymore
'cause we both said the same excellent name. Ah.
Wait a minute, Boyle. Is this our bike?
Green grips, orange pegs. I think it is.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
NYPD! Hands on your head!
Hood slide.
Congratulations, punk.
Charles, tell him what he won.
You're supposed to tell him he's won an all-expenses-paid, luxury trip to hell.
We rehearsed this. I'm sorry, I know. It just hit me that it's over.
I wanted the case to last longer.
[SIGHS] Come on, it's not necessarily over.
I mean, this guy could still make a break for it, or take me hostage or…
Have a huge bag of heroin.
Oh, my God, it's not over yet.
This just became a giant drug case.
We can save the Nine-Nine. We can save the Nine-Nine!
This man is our savior. And he looks like Jesus.
Yeah, he looks like a hunky Jesus.
Yeah! [LAUGHS] Thanks for the heroin, hunky Jesus.
-BOYLE: How'd the interrogation go? -Awesome.
I got to do something that I always wanted to do.
You make me sick.
[GRUNTS]
He was actually really helpful. I feel bad.
Anyways, turns out he works for a dealer named Dom,
who supplies half the heroin in the city.
If we take him down, there's no way they close the Nine-Nine.
But the hearing's in six hours. How do we get to Dom?
Apparently, he uses BMX riders to move his product,
and as it turns out, when I was a kid, I was a vert fiend.
That's great news! Please explain that.
That means I rode BMX.
So, we get our perp to text this Dom guy,
tell him to hire me to move his product.
Then I show up, grind a bunch of gnarly rails.
I'm talking real fluffy ones.
Radical. I bet you're an awesome fluff er. No.
I bet you fluffed those other riders right out of their biker shorts.
Charles… I can picture you as a teenager
fluffing all of New York City. Charles, stop talking.
"Fluffing" has a different meaning.
So, I get the job, we take down Dom, precinct's saved,
then I do an icepick 360 on the podium at the press conference.
Awesome. One question.
Do you still know how to ride? Come on.
Riding a bike, it's like riding a bike.
Wheelie. No. Wheelie. No.
Boyle, it's 'cause you're watching. Okay.
[GRUNTING] One more try. One more try. One more try. One more try.
One more try. Did you do it?
Hey, Sarge, check it out. Hitchcock got a tattoo.
Mr. Nine-Nine.
Why are you putting a gun in your mouth?
I'm blowing smoke off the barrel. It's cool.
The barrel is fully inside your mouth.
You're clearly about to kill yourself.
You're just jealous 'cause he's got the arrest record and you don't.
Yeah, suck on this. Click, pow! [BLOWS]
You pulled the trigger, man! That was a suicide!
Sarge, I got a case for you. Guy had his phone stolen at a bar last night.
All right!
It's not that big a deal.
I just need to file a police report for my insurance company.
No, it is a major injustice, and we're gonna set it right.
It was a crappy old phone. I'd rather just get a new one.
Look, we're the police and we're here to help you.
So, shut your damn mouth.
JEFFORDS: Now, tell us what he looked like. I only saw his back.
Uh, he had a blue hoodie on.
Whoo! We got a lead! [LAUGHS]
[SPITS]
[SINGSONG] Ah, you just drank cement. You just drank cement.
Dom just texted. The meet-up spot is 10 minutes away.
This is so awesome.
When I was a kid, I said I wanted to be a BMX detective,
and they laughed at me.
Well, who's laughing now, Kenny Yarborough? [LAUGHS]
Kenny actually opened up a chain of salad places.
He's doing quite well for himself. Yeah. Oh.
Hey, what if they can tell you're amazing,
but a little rusty and therefore kind of bad?
Not to worry, BMX is 99% attitude.
So, here's the plan, my name is Tyler Omaha, born and raised in SoCal.
Point me to a quarter pipe and I'm gonna tail-whip for days, bro.
And I'm your roller-skating sidekick, Chip Rockets.
Welcome aboard, Chip Rockets. [LAUGHS] Thank you.
And you're married to the roller skates?
Hundred percent. Roller skates it is.
Right. Just 'cause you're only gonna be in the car.
Hundred percent, Jake. Chip Rockets!
Chip Rockets.
Sorry, dude, we don't need any new riders.
You know, I used to be pro, but they said my antics were too gnar.
Kicked me off the circuit.
For what? You know,
peeing on the track, having sex during races, being hella gnar.
You get it, we all have gyros on our bikes.
The point is, I can cut your delivery times in half.
Seriously, in half? I think you're full of it.
I don't think you could even beat Bodie, and he's my worst guy.
Your worst guy? Come on, I could take any of these posers.
Fine, then race Derek.
Nah, I don't wanna trouble Derek.
Let's just stick with Bodie. First thought, best thought, right?
[CLEARS THROAT] Let's do this.
It should take 70 seconds for you to fully gauge someone's character.
Here's what to look for.
Grammar, posture, scent, attire, level of perspiration, type of shirt collar.
What's the best type of shirt collar? English spread, obviously,
but let's hold the questions until the end.
When people say, "Good morning," they mean, "Hello."
When people say, "How are you?" They mean, "Hello."
When people say, "What's up?"
They mean, "I am a person not worth talking to."
There are two acceptable sleep positions.
On back, toes up, arms crossed, or on back, toes up, arms at the side.
Do not trust any child that chews bubblegum-flavored bubblegum.
Do not trust any adult that chews gum at all.
Never vacation in Banff.
Okay, you guys know the course.
First one to get to Creston and 10th rides for me. Loser is out.
[WHISPERS INAUDIBLY]
Hey, Bodie, you seem like a reasonable dude.
Just let me win and I'll owe you big time.
I really need this. I really need this, too.
I haven't eaten in three days, and my bookie says
if I don't pay him back, he's gonna kill my dog.
Okay, that's very intense.
Please let me win.
Since my mom died, that dog is my only family.
I am so sorry. I shouldn't have engaged. It got way too real.
I'm gonna lose everything! Yep, putting on my helmet now.
Ready, go!
PERALTA: Whoa!
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
PERALTA: He's so fast.
Too fast.
[PANTING] I'm losing.
-BOYLE: Whoopsie! -BODIE: Whoa! [GRUNTING]
PERALTA: Chip Rockets!
Sorry about your dog, Bodie.
Oh, man, why'd I say that? Now, I feel terrible.
I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win.
Wait, ramp, ramp, ramp, ramp!
[SCREAMS]
[GROANS]
PERALTA: No!
Oh, I see what I did wrong. I did the jump bad.
BOYLE: You okay, Jake?
Well, aside from the fact that the Nine-Nine's hearing is in four hours
and we're definitely getting shut down, no, I bruised my thigh.
It's gonna be just fine, Jake.
No, it isn't, Charles.
It's on my right hip. I sleep on that side.
It was stupid of me to think I could make this the best case ever.
Let's just go back to the precinct, so you can make me hot cocoa.
I can't believe I'm gonna say this,
but no, I will not make you hot cocoa.
Charles! I have a bruise!
I won't do it, not when there's still a chance we can save the Nine-Nine.
What are you talking about?
BOYLE: When I took down that guy Bodie…
PERALTA: Chip Rockets!
BOYLE: I planted a bug with a GPS tracker on it.
Chip Rockets, you beautiful bastard.
Chip actually is a bastard.
Never knew either of his parents. Raised by the rink.
Ooh, badass backstory.
Stole it from a TV movie.
It was about ice dancing, but I adapted it for the hardwood.
That makes it way worse, but I'm gonna move past it.
Let's track down Bodie and save the precinct.
Okay, we're making progress on your phone.
We went to the bar where it was taken…
Wait, why are you in handcuffs?
Because I've been arrested.
-What? By who? -HITCHCOCK: Hitchcock, baby.
I busted his butt for filing a false police report.
He broke his phone, but insurance wouldn't reimburse him
unless he reported it as stolen.
Are you serious? How the hell did you solve this, Hitchcock?
Good old-fashioned detective work.
Yeah, they have no idea. They think the phone was actually stolen.
You're under arrest, jerk-o. Don't even think about it.
He thought the bathroom was empty because we use the toilet
with our feet up on the stall door.
Explain any further and I will kneecap you both.
HITCHCOCK: You can't boss me around.
I'm the greatest detective in the history of here.
Mr. Nine-Nine, out.
Okay, according to the tracker, Bodie's at a warehouse on 11th street.
ESU is on site and waiting for our go.
Great, time to gear up.
It's not the best case ever without some toys.
Oh, yeah. Toys for boys.
I don't know if I like that.
Adult toys. Still sounds wrong.
Male toys. You know what?
Let's just not call them "toys." That's my fault, I started it.
You got it, we'll just call them "playthings."
We will not. Let's do this.
[INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING]
Sniper binoculars. Here, Charles, tell me how far away I am.
Too close to measure. They really work!
That's everything. Let's do this.
This is way too much stuff.
Yeah. And it's too heavy to carry all the way back.
[BOTH STRAINING]
Terry! Terry!
Five minutes left. What have I missed?
Professional handshake. We did that.
Fingers with a half-centimeter spread, up, down, then separate.
Good. Acceptable fabrics?
Cotton or cotton blend.
Wool is for outerwear only, and silk is for sex workers or musicians.
Right. Good desserts? There are none.
If you are hungry, you should have had more dinner.
That's it! We're done. You've been mentored.
Oh, my God! We did it! I can't believe we did it!
Oh, no, we did it.
It's over.
Yes, I agree.
Up, down, separation.
Separation.
Oh, girl, you look so sad.
You know what would cheer you up? A nice bowl of miso soup.
No thanks, Gina. I'm not in the mood.
So, Gina, is that soup up for grabs?
Scully, no. My followers are sick of watching you eat cement.
There they are.
We are. 1524 kilometers away.
I have no idea what that means, but it's still pretty cool.
Charles, can you hear what they're saying?
Uh, no. Really? It looks like they're talking.
They're not. They're definitely not talking.
I can see their lips moving.
Wait a minute, why won't you tell me what they're saying?
[SIGHS] They're making fun of Tyler Omaha.
Oh, what? I thought I was pretty good.
Me, too!
And you definitely don't look anything like Rachel Maddow.
Oh, come on!
BOYLE: Hold on. Something's happening. That's a huge bag.
If that's full of heroin, we could really save the precinct.
Oh, I could just hear Holt now.
"I'm proud of you, Peralta. You are my hero."
The guy is obsessed with me.
All right, we gotta make the bust now.
We only have 30 minutes left to the hearing.
No, no, no, wait, stand down.
It's not heroin in the bags. It's money.
Yeah, that's millions in drug money.
We can still arrest them for that.
Let's do it. No.
If they have that much money on them,
it means they're probably gonna meet up with their supplier.
Can you hear what they're saying?
Yeah, I'm trying to make it out. Sounds like… Oh, you're right.
They're getting a shipment at 8:30.
Whoa, Dom's one of the biggest dealers in New York.
Whoever their supplier is, it's gonna be huge.
We gotta wait. But that's two hours from now.
We'll miss the hearing. Let's just arrest Dom.
We'd be getting a major player off the streets. I mean, isn't that the job?
So, what are you saying?
I'm saying the Nine-Nine's gonna get shut down.
Damn it!
I know, it sucks, but it's the right thing to do.
No, not that, they're making fun of Chip Rockets now.
These drug dealers are so mean! Right?
So, it turned out this was the last ride after all, but it's a big bust,
and at least we're going out in a blaze of glory.
Yeah. It feels more like a blaze of crap.
Ah, you're gonna be fine.
You're gonna get a new partner.
His name's gonna be Heath or Ryan.
He's gonna know everything about Die Hard,
and he's gonna be super cool.
Jean-jacket cool.
Yeah, yeah, you could be right.
And, you'll get a cool, new partner, too, right?
He'll love fine dining and musical theater and hearing about every
explicit detail of your sex life over and over and over.
Just like you. Yeah, yeah, just like me.
Yes, you're right. It's gonna be fine.
I'm gonna be totally fine without you.
I'm gonna check the distance on the warehouse there.
Copy.
Yep, the building hasn't moved.
It's still 0.1524 kilometers away. [GROANS]
Wait, are you just holding up the binoculars, so I can't see you cry?
[VOICE BREAKING] No! Yeah, I didn't think so.
Come to think of it,
I'm gonna double-check our building distance as well. Mmm-hmm.
I see you filming, Linetti.
What's in the yogurt? Normal stuff.
Nothing you'd use to make a sidewalk with.
Attention squad, I just got word from Peralta and Boyle.
Did they make their bust? They save the precinct?
No, they decided to try to bring in a bigger fish.
They're not gonna make the hearing. [SIGHS]
So, Jake's doing the right thing instead of the selfish thing?
You did this to him.
Look, I know we all want this precinct to survive, but I'm proud of them.
Loyalty to your friends and fellow officers is important,
but more important is our loyalty to this city and its citizens.
So, I guess what I'm trying to say is let's go get drunk.
-PERALTA: See anything? [SNIFFS] -[SNIFFS] Nope. You?
No. I just love these binoculars so much,
I don't wanna put them down, you know?
Oh, man, when this case is over,
I'm gonna miss these binoculars.
Me, too.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
It's almost 8:30. We're gonna get into position.
[TEARFULLY] Okay, thanks, Marv.
Are you guys crying?
I said thanks, Marv! That means move on. Thanks, Marv!
[BOTH SIGH]
-[CLEARS THROAT] -[CLEARING THROAT]
I'm sorry that our last case wasn't our best case ever.
No, don't say that. Every case with you is the best case ever.
Now, come on, we still have a drug dealer to bust, right?
You know what that means.
Bullet tornado! Man sprinkler!
Bullet tornado, that's what I said both times.
Okay, Marv, go, go, go!
MARV: NYPD! Down! Everybody, down!
Hey. Congratulations on getting the record.
What are you talking about? I came up short.
Hitchcock beat me.
What are all these?
B&E I worked last year. You noticed a clue I missed.
Arson I solved last summer.
You gave me advice on how to break the guy in interrogation.
Blackmail from '09.
You said the nanny did it, and guess what, the nanny did it.
I don't understand.
You didn't just work your own cases.
You helped me and Jake and Charles and Amy.
There are hundreds of cases that wouldn't have been solved without you.
You add all that up, that's a record nobody's ever gonna touch.
Congratulations, Mr. Nine-Nine.
Thanks, Diaz.
Hey, guys. Sorry we couldn't, you know, save the precinct.
Nothing to be sorry about. Your moral compass is on fire right now.
Okay, forget I said anything. This is better.
At least we had an awesome bust.
Yeah, we went back-to-back.
Oh, man, we must look so cool.
You finally did the man sprinkler.
What? I never called it that.
Attention, squad. I just got off the phone with One Police Plaza.
The hearing is over, and here's where we stand
vis-à-vis the precinct being shut down.
The precinct will not be shut down.
-ALL: Oh! -SANTIAGO: Yeah!
They decided to shut down the Seven-Four instead.
Wait, I don't understand.
Apparently, the community came to our aid.
There was a swell of online support
orchestrated by an organization called Gina-Zone.
I think you mean Ginazon. [LAUGHS]
I was behind the bar the whole time.
Another great Gina Linetti entrance.
I told you, you can't be back here.
And I told you, I already am.
What did you do?
I was live-streaming a prank when Captain Holt made his big speech
about how you did the right thing for the city.
I guess people were moved.
They were like, "What can we do to help?"
And I said, "Call the Commissioner's office."
The G-Hive is real!
PERALTA: I can't believe you did it. Gina, you're a legend.
To the Nine-Nine!
ALL: Nine-Nine!
[ALL SPITTING]
Y'all just drank cement!
Santiago, the precinct's been saved. Why are you so glum?
Because our mentorship is over. I blew it all in one day.
Yes, volume one of our mentorship.
There's more volumes? Of course.
You think I could fit it all in one binder?
Okay, good.
You don't seem very excited.
Oh, I was just adhering to section 7, page 145,
"No emotional displays in the workplace."
Excellent. I taught you well.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Um, I have some work to do on the roof.
[WILD CHEERING]