1
00:00:01,938 --> 00:00:02,939
BOYLE: Hey, Jake,
2
00:00:03,106 --> 00:00:04,816
can I show you something over here?
3
00:00:04,900 --> 00:00:06,234
I'm trying to send Genevieve a sexy pic.
4
00:00:06,318 --> 00:00:07,692
Does this make my bubble butt pop?
5
00:00:07,776 --> 00:00:08,777
Nope. I'm out.
6
00:00:12,615 --> 00:00:14,074
[WHISPERS] Who's that?
7
00:00:15,576 --> 00:00:17,995
Um, excuse me, pal.
Think you're at my desk.
8
00:00:18,704 --> 00:00:19,747
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
9
00:00:19,872 --> 00:00:21,748
Drop it! Drop the weapon!
10
00:00:21,832 --> 00:00:24,584
Squad, meet Detective Adrian Pimento.
11
00:00:24,751 --> 00:00:26,669
He's been deep undercover
for the last 12 years,
12
00:00:26,753 --> 00:00:30,173
but he's just resurfaced, and
he's rejoining the Nine-Nine.
13
00:00:30,590 --> 00:00:33,927
That is awesome!
14
00:00:34,427 --> 00:00:36,429
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
15
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Some of you just met Detective Pimento,
16
00:00:56,531 --> 00:00:57,573
and, of course, some of you knew him
17
00:00:57,657 --> 00:00:58,699
before he went undercover.
18
00:00:58,783 --> 00:01:00,701
Hitchcock and Scully. [SCOFFS]
19
00:01:00,785 --> 00:01:02,119
You guys still work here?
20
00:01:02,370 --> 00:01:04,872
The only way they're getting
rid of us is in a body bag.
21
00:01:04,956 --> 00:01:06,498
It actually happened once,
22
00:01:06,582 --> 00:01:07,708
but it was a false alarm.
23
00:01:07,792 --> 00:01:10,251
Detective Pimento will
be returning to his old desk.
24
00:01:10,335 --> 00:01:12,753
Peralta will temporarily be
moved to the break room.
25
00:01:12,837 --> 00:01:14,172
Questions?
26
00:01:14,381 --> 00:01:15,673
I worked for Jimmy "The Butcher" Figgis.
27
00:01:15,757 --> 00:01:17,341
That is an A-list mobster.
28
00:01:17,425 --> 00:01:18,875
Tell me literally everything.
29
00:01:18,969 --> 00:01:20,470
Everyone, shut up!
30
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Pretty much just a bagman for him.
31
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I mean, I did some other stuff.
32
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[GRUNTING]
33
00:01:26,308 --> 00:01:28,310
[SOBBING]
34
00:01:32,648 --> 00:01:34,983
Um, we usually try to
tell funnier little stories.
35
00:01:35,067 --> 00:01:37,360
Well, there's nothing funny
about what I did for The Butcher.
36
00:01:37,444 --> 00:01:38,944
I've had to learn not to blink,
37
00:01:39,028 --> 00:01:41,655
because every time I close
my eyes, I see a fresh horror.
38
00:01:41,739 --> 00:01:44,075
Ooh, dark.
39
00:01:44,284 --> 00:01:47,077
Actually, I have a very funny
story about keeping my eyes moist.
40
00:01:47,161 --> 00:01:48,621
[GRUNTING]
41
00:01:52,625 --> 00:01:54,126
[LAUGHS]
42
00:01:55,294 --> 00:01:56,461
Come on.
43
00:01:56,587 --> 00:01:58,589
Nope. Still not getting that vibe, man.
44
00:01:58,755 --> 00:01:59,756
Really?
45
00:01:59,840 --> 00:02:01,966
I'll get there. That's my bad, everybody.
46
00:02:02,050 --> 00:02:03,218
Dismissed.
47
00:02:04,595 --> 00:02:07,681
Sir, can I partner with
Pimento on my B&E?
48
00:02:07,806 --> 00:02:08,972
That guy is awesome.
49
00:02:09,056 --> 00:02:10,682
He's like a real-life Donnie Brasco.
50
00:02:10,766 --> 00:02:13,616
Isn't Donnie Brasco a really
sad movie that ends terribly?
51
00:02:13,728 --> 00:02:15,020
Yeah, but he's got that cool jacket,
52
00:02:15,104 --> 00:02:16,480
and he's always down at the docks.
53
00:02:16,564 --> 00:02:17,731
I'm not sure I want you
working with Pimento.
54
00:02:17,815 --> 00:02:19,400
He's a little unstable.
55
00:02:20,443 --> 00:02:21,652
Machine!
56
00:02:22,361 --> 00:02:23,694
Psychologically, this could be
57
00:02:23,778 --> 00:02:25,238
a very difficult transition.
58
00:02:25,447 --> 00:02:26,906
Yeah, I know, I went undercover.
59
00:02:26,990 --> 00:02:28,908
Sixty-three days, no big deal.
You probably forgot.
60
00:02:28,992 --> 00:02:30,743
No, it's your outgoing
voice mail message.
61
00:02:30,827 --> 00:02:33,037
PERALTA [OVER PHONE]: Hey, it's Jake.
Can't get to the phone right now.
62
00:02:33,121 --> 00:02:37,250
I might be undercover again,
like I was for 63 days. Bye!
63
00:02:37,542 --> 00:02:39,709
Look, I know what he's going through.
64
00:02:39,793 --> 00:02:40,752
Let me be the man
65
00:02:40,836 --> 00:02:42,045
that brings him in from the cold.
66
00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:43,755
All right, he can work the B&E with you.
67
00:02:43,839 --> 00:02:46,091
Just make sure you take it easy.
68
00:02:46,216 --> 00:02:48,301
Uh…
Sir, I was 20 minutes late for work today.
69
00:02:48,385 --> 00:02:50,554
I don't think you need to
tell me about taking it easy.
70
00:02:50,638 --> 00:02:52,788
Are you bragging about
being a bad employee?
71
00:02:54,515 --> 00:02:55,558
No.
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00:02:56,559 --> 00:02:58,102
Dismissed? Me?
73
00:02:58,519 --> 00:03:00,688
I figured out the best way to welcome
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00:03:00,813 --> 00:03:02,398
Pimento to the Nine-Nine.
75
00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:04,817
Stay out of his way,
maybe buy him a drink,
76
00:03:04,901 --> 00:03:06,361
not do anything weird?
77
00:03:06,527 --> 00:03:08,195
I'm making him a goat stew.
78
00:03:08,279 --> 00:03:10,030
Huh. All right.
79
00:03:10,238 --> 00:03:12,866
Yeah, now, this Turkmenistani dish
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00:03:12,991 --> 00:03:16,286
is traditionally made from an
animal that's been so overfed
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00:03:16,370 --> 00:03:17,829
it can no longer stand.
82
00:03:17,913 --> 00:03:19,497
[WHISTLES] That's the dream.
83
00:03:19,581 --> 00:03:20,790
BOYLE: Everything is authentic.
84
00:03:20,874 --> 00:03:23,669
I even ordered the pressure
cooker from Turkmenistan.
85
00:03:23,919 --> 00:03:25,168
So, you're on a terrorist watch list now?
86
00:03:25,252 --> 00:03:27,004
Oh, yeah, Homeland
Security's been to my house, yep.
87
00:03:27,088 --> 00:03:31,634
Now, this just needs to cook for
another 11 hours, 32 minutes, and six…
88
00:03:35,054 --> 00:03:38,265
What the hell, Boyle!
You almost killed me!
89
00:03:38,349 --> 00:03:40,600
I'm not going out in a
stew-making accident!
90
00:03:40,684 --> 00:03:42,643
Terry's gonna die saving the President,
91
00:03:42,727 --> 00:03:44,688
or Terry's never gonna die!
92
00:03:44,854 --> 00:03:47,398
SANTIAGO: There's no way
we can clean this up by ourselves.
93
00:03:47,482 --> 00:03:48,817
We're gonna need help.
94
00:03:48,942 --> 00:03:51,528
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
What are you saying?
95
00:03:51,695 --> 00:03:53,530
You know what she's saying, man.
96
00:03:53,822 --> 00:03:55,030
Oh, no.
97
00:03:55,864 --> 00:03:57,366
Mean Marge.
98
00:03:57,491 --> 00:03:59,618
So, we're supposed to come
running to clean up your mess
99
00:03:59,702 --> 00:04:01,870
every time you snap
your fat little fingers?
100
00:04:01,995 --> 00:04:04,205
Oh, no, no, I actually can't snap
my fingers, they're always too wet.
101
00:04:04,289 --> 00:04:05,957
And I just thought, since it's your job…
102
00:04:06,041 --> 00:04:07,251
Oh, I see.
103
00:04:07,459 --> 00:04:10,127
You cops think you're too good
to clean up after yourselves?
104
00:04:10,211 --> 00:04:13,214
No, I can do it myself, I'll just…
105
00:04:13,589 --> 00:04:15,842
How dare you try to steal our jobs?
106
00:04:16,718 --> 00:04:18,636
So, where do we go from here?
107
00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,638
Well, you know the old saying,
108
00:04:20,722 --> 00:04:23,433
"The only way to unclog
a toilet is to let it sit."
109
00:04:24,058 --> 00:04:25,975
You're a janitor.
You should know that's not true.
110
00:04:26,059 --> 00:04:27,852
Boys, take out the trash.
111
00:04:27,936 --> 00:04:29,437
Oh, great! So, you will do it?
112
00:04:29,521 --> 00:04:32,231
Oh, I'm the trash, I get it. Okay,
that makes more sense with your tone.
113
00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:34,525
[METAL CHAIR SKIDDING]
114
00:04:34,609 --> 00:04:35,736
Love you, Marge.
115
00:04:36,319 --> 00:04:37,654
You wanted to see me, sir?
116
00:04:37,988 --> 00:04:39,322
Yes, I have a special project for you.
117
00:04:39,406 --> 00:04:42,575
Okay, but I'll have you know
right now I only fly first class.
118
00:04:42,700 --> 00:04:43,742
I'm not flying you anywhere.
119
00:04:43,826 --> 00:04:46,376
I made an application to the M.C.
Guff in Foundation
120
00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:48,372
for a grant to upgrade
our office equipment.
121
00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:51,124
Unfortunately, they
require a video submission.
122
00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,210
I understand you have
some filmmaking experience.
123
00:04:53,294 --> 00:04:55,878
Well, you know, I've been
re-Vined by Rob Kardashian,
124
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,505
so, yeah, I'm a director.
125
00:04:57,839 --> 00:05:02,093
Here's what I'm picturing, I
enter, in, like, a Fellini-style getup.
126
00:05:02,302 --> 00:05:03,952
Rosa's dressed like a porcupine…
127
00:05:04,262 --> 00:05:05,805
Oh, no, no. We're just gonna do a simple,
128
00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:07,723
straightforward tour of the precinct
129
00:05:07,807 --> 00:05:09,016
featuring Detective Diaz and me.
130
00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:10,141
Are you sure?
131
00:05:10,225 --> 00:05:13,520
You're not our most
dynamic screen presences.
132
00:05:13,604 --> 00:05:15,980
I can be dynamic. Exclamation point.
133
00:05:16,064 --> 00:05:18,483
Well, Diaz and I have
that kind of easy chemistry
134
00:05:18,567 --> 00:05:20,443
where we finish each other's…
135
00:05:20,527 --> 00:05:22,320
Please, don't interrupt me.
136
00:05:22,404 --> 00:05:24,604
That kind of nonsense
won't happen on camera.
137
00:05:25,531 --> 00:05:27,033
PERALTA: Hey, hey, Pimento.
138
00:05:27,200 --> 00:05:29,577
Hey! This is my desk, okay?
139
00:05:29,911 --> 00:05:32,830
Okay, well, now that
that's out of the way,
140
00:05:32,914 --> 00:05:35,874
I was just coming to let you know
we're gonna work a B&E together.
141
00:05:35,958 --> 00:05:37,042
We're gonna be partners.
142
00:05:37,126 --> 00:05:38,961
Nope. I work alone.
143
00:05:39,045 --> 00:05:41,295
Plus, The Butcher says
he has spies in the NYPD,
144
00:05:41,379 --> 00:05:43,464
so I trust none of these dildos.
145
00:05:43,548 --> 00:05:46,760
Listen, you can trust me.
I'm, like, obsessed with you.
146
00:05:46,968 --> 00:05:50,179
[SCOFFS] Fine. Tell me something
you've never told another living soul.
147
00:05:50,263 --> 00:05:52,849
Um… Ooh, here's one.
148
00:05:52,933 --> 00:05:55,726
I'm actually not strong
enough to lift a water cooler jug,
149
00:05:55,810 --> 00:05:57,561
so I always find a way
to make Terry do it.
150
00:05:57,645 --> 00:06:00,147
Here's mine. Jimmy "The Butcher"
made me drive a croquet wicket
151
00:06:00,231 --> 00:06:02,316
through a guy's eyes into his brain.
152
00:06:03,359 --> 00:06:06,209
Brain leaked out his eyes like
he was crying his own mind.
153
00:06:06,487 --> 00:06:07,738
My goodness.
154
00:06:08,823 --> 00:06:10,031
Now that I've heard yours,
155
00:06:10,115 --> 00:06:11,198
I feel like my water cooler thing
156
00:06:11,282 --> 00:06:12,825
could have been a little more juicy, but…
157
00:06:12,909 --> 00:06:14,911
No. That was embarrassing for you.
158
00:06:15,370 --> 00:06:16,579
A bond has been made.
159
00:06:17,330 --> 00:06:18,331
[PERALTA GRUNTS]
160
00:06:18,665 --> 00:06:20,415
Feels good to trust again, brother.
161
00:06:20,500 --> 00:06:22,252
Wow, either you are a cyborg
162
00:06:22,377 --> 00:06:25,338
or you're carrying so
many weapons in this jacket.
163
00:06:25,463 --> 00:06:27,672
Hey. Kitchen, now.
164
00:06:27,756 --> 00:06:28,799
Okay.
165
00:06:29,132 --> 00:06:31,552
What's up?
166
00:06:31,802 --> 00:06:33,511
Why, just because he
keeps threatening to kill me
167
00:06:33,595 --> 00:06:35,764
in the middle of a police precinct?
Uh, grow up.
168
00:06:35,848 --> 00:06:37,140
Because I'm physically attracted to him.
169
00:06:37,224 --> 00:06:38,433
And that's bad?
170
00:06:38,517 --> 00:06:39,517
I'm only attracted to creeps.
171
00:06:39,601 --> 00:06:41,518
The Vulture, the ShamWow Guy,
172
00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:43,687
and when I was a kid, I had a
major crush on the evil Gremlin.
173
00:06:43,771 --> 00:06:45,523
Stripe? Are you crazy?
174
00:06:45,648 --> 00:06:46,899
Yeah, well I'm not gonna bone Gizmo.
175
00:06:46,983 --> 00:06:48,943
I would.
176
00:06:49,068 --> 00:06:51,362
[CHUCKLES] It's gonna be fine.
177
00:06:55,533 --> 00:06:56,616
Hey, partner.
178
00:06:56,825 --> 00:06:58,326
I've been waiting for you.
179
00:06:58,577 --> 00:06:59,661
[CHUCKLES]
180
00:07:01,913 --> 00:07:03,289
PIMENTO: Sorry if I surprised you.
181
00:07:03,373 --> 00:07:05,124
It's just when I was undercover,
the middle of the night
182
00:07:05,208 --> 00:07:07,627
was the only time I could
do actual police work.
183
00:07:07,919 --> 00:07:09,045
Uh, how'd you get in the apartment?
184
00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:10,379
Oh, it was easy.
185
00:07:10,463 --> 00:07:12,047
I just seduced the old lady upstairs,
186
00:07:12,131 --> 00:07:14,800
came down the fire escape,
jimmied the window open.
187
00:07:14,884 --> 00:07:17,427
Bing-bang-boom, I'm
inside your living quarters.
188
00:07:17,511 --> 00:07:18,845
Totally.
189
00:07:18,929 --> 00:07:21,473
Course, next time you could
just give me a call, you know.
190
00:07:21,557 --> 00:07:23,058
Two ways to pop in on a friend.
191
00:07:23,142 --> 00:07:24,309
I didn't kill the old lady upstairs,
192
00:07:24,393 --> 00:07:25,602
if that's what you're worried about.
193
00:07:25,686 --> 00:07:27,019
Well, I am now.
194
00:07:27,103 --> 00:07:29,480
Oh, wait a minute.
You think I'm being weird.
195
00:07:29,731 --> 00:07:31,982
Oh, I shouldn't have come here.
This is your apartment.
196
00:07:32,066 --> 00:07:33,735
I'm so sorry, Jake!
197
00:07:34,611 --> 00:07:37,780
Stupid, Paul! Stupid! You idiot, Paul!
198
00:07:37,864 --> 00:07:39,240
Hey! Pimento!
199
00:07:39,407 --> 00:07:40,700
Who's Paul?
200
00:07:41,700 --> 00:07:44,077
Paul Sneed was my undercover name. 'Kay?
201
00:07:44,202 --> 00:07:46,371
Damn it, Jake.
I don't know who I am anymore.
202
00:07:46,455 --> 00:07:47,997
You could have chose
any name to go undercover,
203
00:07:48,081 --> 00:07:49,707
and you picked Paul Sneed?
Seems kind of crazy.
204
00:07:49,791 --> 00:07:52,502
I shouldn't have come here.
This was a mistake. I'm not ready.
205
00:07:52,586 --> 00:07:54,754
I knew I wasn't ready to
go back to being police.
206
00:07:54,838 --> 00:07:57,172
It's the only job I've ever had
except for bagging groceries
207
00:07:57,256 --> 00:07:59,675
at the supermarket at the
corner of Atlantic and Clinton.
208
00:07:59,759 --> 00:08:01,802
I guess I could go back to that again.
209
00:08:01,928 --> 00:08:03,095
"Paper or plastic?"
210
00:08:03,179 --> 00:08:04,555
Yeah, still got it.
211
00:08:04,639 --> 00:08:06,474
Listen to me, I was undercover.
212
00:08:06,599 --> 00:08:08,141
Sixty-three days with the Mafia.
213
00:08:08,225 --> 00:08:10,060
I saw some messed-up stuff.
214
00:08:10,144 --> 00:08:12,144
I know what your struggle is.
215
00:08:12,228 --> 00:08:14,828
And I can bring you home,
but you've got to trust me.
216
00:08:16,191 --> 00:08:17,943
Okay. Yeah.
217
00:08:18,693 --> 00:08:21,821
Great. Now, I've got to get some sleep.
218
00:08:21,905 --> 00:08:23,739
You're welcome to stay here
and work the case if you want.
219
00:08:23,823 --> 00:08:26,992
Thanks, partner.
I promise I won't disturb you at all.
220
00:08:28,452 --> 00:08:30,579
[PIMENTO MOANING LOUDLY]
221
00:08:34,959 --> 00:08:36,085
Hey, Pimento.
222
00:08:36,460 --> 00:08:38,128
I thought you were just gonna
be looking through the files
223
00:08:38,212 --> 00:08:39,337
or something, man.
224
00:08:39,421 --> 00:08:41,506
Sorry, brother.
Tai chi helps keep the demons at bay.
225
00:08:41,590 --> 00:08:42,715
Right.
226
00:08:42,799 --> 00:08:44,133
And…
227
00:08:44,676 --> 00:08:46,260
Do you have to do it in your underwear?
228
00:08:46,344 --> 00:08:47,553
I can't take them off,
229
00:08:47,637 --> 00:08:50,264
'cause then you'd be looking
right at my penis and testicles.
230
00:08:50,348 --> 00:08:52,892
Can't argue with that logic. Okay.
231
00:08:55,645 --> 00:08:57,771
Why is there so much garbage in here?
232
00:08:58,105 --> 00:09:00,231
[EXHALES] Mean Marge
won't clean up the stew.
233
00:09:00,315 --> 00:09:02,776
And also, she suspended
our trash service.
234
00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:05,653
What happened?
You didn't grovel enough, did you?
235
00:09:05,737 --> 00:09:06,821
Seriously, Amy,
236
00:09:06,905 --> 00:09:08,698
you're gonna ask Charles Boyle
237
00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:10,450
if he groveled enough? Come on!
238
00:09:10,575 --> 00:09:12,242
This is the grossest
thing I've ever seen,
239
00:09:12,326 --> 00:09:14,036
and I have three kids
under the age of four.
240
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,495
I live in a house of fluids.
241
00:09:15,579 --> 00:09:17,289
Look, I have a plan, okay?
242
00:09:17,373 --> 00:09:20,125
We're just gonna go over Mean
Marge's head and we're gonna tell Holt.
243
00:09:20,209 --> 00:09:21,418
Tell me what?
244
00:09:21,502 --> 00:09:22,878
Well, I don't know if you noticed,
245
00:09:22,962 --> 00:09:24,880
but there was an accident
in the break room yesterday.
246
00:09:24,964 --> 00:09:28,341
Oh, yes, shattered
windows, bones everywhere.
247
00:09:28,466 --> 00:09:31,136
It's very "New York in the '70s."
Clean it up.
248
00:09:31,511 --> 00:09:36,641
The problem is Marge in
facilities is refusing to help.
249
00:09:36,850 --> 00:09:39,101
We were actually hoping
maybe you could ask her.
250
00:09:39,185 --> 00:09:42,188
Excuse me?
I'm the captain of this precinct.
251
00:09:42,272 --> 00:09:44,856
I don't have time to mediate
your petty squabbles.
252
00:09:44,940 --> 00:09:47,943
I've taken a sacred oath
to protect this community,
253
00:09:48,027 --> 00:09:50,612
and that is a job I take seriously.
254
00:09:50,779 --> 00:09:51,947
So, you're afraid of her, too, huh?
255
00:09:52,031 --> 00:09:53,115
Terrified.
256
00:09:57,119 --> 00:09:59,203
Yeah, perp knew where the camera was.
257
00:09:59,328 --> 00:10:00,871
Must have cased the joint ahead of time.
258
00:10:00,955 --> 00:10:02,706
We're gonna need all your
footage from the past week.
259
00:10:02,790 --> 00:10:05,334
[LAUGHS] This is an amateur job.
260
00:10:05,501 --> 00:10:07,211
Everybody knows you break
in when the owner's there.
261
00:10:07,295 --> 00:10:09,046
That way you have
guaranteed access to the safe,
262
00:10:09,130 --> 00:10:10,756
and you can kick his
teeth in to send a message.
263
00:10:10,840 --> 00:10:12,341
Okay, why don't you just…
264
00:10:12,716 --> 00:10:13,758
Oh, sure, you could slit his throat,
265
00:10:13,842 --> 00:10:15,635
but then what are you
going to do with all the blood?
266
00:10:15,719 --> 00:10:17,220
Uh, we'd leave it in his body,
267
00:10:17,304 --> 00:10:19,180
where blood lives, because we're cops.
268
00:10:19,264 --> 00:10:21,474
Oh, right, we're cops.
And don't worry, sir.
269
00:10:21,558 --> 00:10:24,936
We're gonna catch these bastards,
or my name isn't Paul Sneed.
270
00:10:25,020 --> 00:10:26,980
Adrian Pimento.
271
00:10:27,064 --> 00:10:28,313
So, what'd they take?
272
00:10:28,397 --> 00:10:30,148
About $15,000 worth of stuff.
273
00:10:30,232 --> 00:10:33,152
TVs, cameras, bunch
of prepaid cell phones.
274
00:10:33,527 --> 00:10:35,070
Ooh, you sell burner phones?
275
00:10:35,154 --> 00:10:36,446
What kind of deals you got on those?
276
00:10:36,530 --> 00:10:37,906
Why do you want to know about the deals?
277
00:10:37,990 --> 00:10:41,785
Just gathering evidence for the
case, 'cause I'm a cop, remember?
278
00:10:41,869 --> 00:10:43,036
Detective Paul Sneed.
279
00:10:43,161 --> 00:10:44,286
Adrian Pimento.
280
00:10:44,370 --> 00:10:46,081
Adrian… I know who I am.
281
00:10:46,206 --> 00:10:47,832
You know what, forget this!
282
00:10:47,916 --> 00:10:49,000
Ah, okay.
283
00:10:49,084 --> 00:10:51,460
[GRUNTING]
284
00:10:51,544 --> 00:10:54,046
Hey, hey, hey, come on, man.
285
00:10:54,130 --> 00:10:56,674
Look, I get it, you're still tense.
286
00:10:57,175 --> 00:11:00,343
When I came back from being
undercover, they made me see a shrink.
287
00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:02,429
But then he told me I had
dad issues, and I was like,
288
00:11:02,513 --> 00:11:03,805
"You know what, you
can't tell me what to do,
289
00:11:03,889 --> 00:11:05,557
"you're not my dad," so he was a moron.
290
00:11:05,641 --> 00:11:07,684
No, you know what, that's good advice.
Thanks, man, thanks.
291
00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:10,168
I'll be right back, I just
left something inside.
292
00:11:12,689 --> 00:11:14,232
Hey, give me one of those.
293
00:11:15,024 --> 00:11:17,360
Why are you buying a burner phone?
294
00:11:17,819 --> 00:11:18,986
Cue smoke machine.
295
00:11:19,654 --> 00:11:21,864
And action Holt.
296
00:11:24,158 --> 00:11:26,828
Welcome to the Nine-Nine.
I'm Captain Raymond Holt.
297
00:11:26,953 --> 00:11:28,912
And I'm Detective Rosa Diaz.
298
00:11:29,121 --> 00:11:30,955
I don't understand
why I'm on a wheelchair.
299
00:11:31,039 --> 00:11:32,290
Cut!
300
00:11:32,499 --> 00:11:35,877
For the last time, Rosa, through
the magic of special effects,
301
00:11:36,044 --> 00:11:38,213
the wheelchair will turn into a horse,
302
00:11:38,338 --> 00:11:40,549
but I need you to work with me.
303
00:11:40,715 --> 00:11:42,717
Give me a little "Hee-yah! Hee-yah!"
304
00:11:42,801 --> 00:11:43,884
This is idiotic.
305
00:11:44,218 --> 00:11:46,136
Maybe because you
didn't karate chop your way
306
00:11:46,220 --> 00:11:48,139
through the smoke, as scripted.
307
00:11:48,347 --> 00:11:49,431
I'm out. Scully.
308
00:11:49,557 --> 00:11:50,640
Rosa!
309
00:11:50,724 --> 00:11:52,476
Hee-yah. Hee-yah.
310
00:11:52,935 --> 00:11:55,187
I wanted a simple, straightforward
video tour of the precinct,
311
00:11:55,271 --> 00:11:58,773
and you've added the one
ingredient I didn't want, pizzazz.
312
00:11:59,065 --> 00:12:01,025
Pizzazz is who I am.
313
00:12:01,651 --> 00:12:04,237
Would you tell the sky
to stop being so blue?
314
00:12:04,362 --> 00:12:06,197
Yes. I wish it were tan.
315
00:12:06,281 --> 00:12:08,408
It's my favorite color. It's no-nonsense.
316
00:12:09,325 --> 00:12:12,036
Hey, I've been tailing Pimento,
and I think you were right.
317
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:13,703
There's something weird
going on with that guy.
318
00:12:13,787 --> 00:12:15,164
I knew it. Ugh!
319
00:12:15,414 --> 00:12:16,831
I can't believe I'm gonna sleep with him.
320
00:12:16,915 --> 00:12:19,001
Well, you don't have to.
321
00:12:19,168 --> 00:12:20,377
No, I'm gonna.
322
00:12:20,502 --> 00:12:23,671
[EXHALES] He secretly bought a
burner phone, he broke into my apartment,
323
00:12:23,755 --> 00:12:25,173
and he keeps forgetting he's a cop
324
00:12:25,257 --> 00:12:27,342
and calling himself by
his alias, Paul Sneed.
325
00:12:27,426 --> 00:12:28,468
"Paul Sneed"?
326
00:12:28,552 --> 00:12:30,135
He said Figgis has spies in the NYPD.
327
00:12:30,219 --> 00:12:32,763
Rosa, what if he's one of them?
What if he turned?
328
00:12:32,847 --> 00:12:34,307
Oh, here he comes.
329
00:12:34,599 --> 00:12:36,975
Oh, man, bolt cutters?
330
00:12:37,059 --> 00:12:39,853
Bolt cutters have literally never
been used by an innocent person.
331
00:12:39,937 --> 00:12:41,855
I use them all the time
when I make jewelry.
332
00:12:41,939 --> 00:12:43,856
Oh, my God. Follow-up questions later.
333
00:12:43,940 --> 00:12:45,191
All right, I got to keep following him.
334
00:12:45,275 --> 00:12:46,693
All right, but be careful.
335
00:12:47,110 --> 00:12:49,445
Oh, don't worry about me.
I'll be invisible.
336
00:12:49,529 --> 00:12:51,405
Now, you see me, now you…
337
00:12:51,489 --> 00:12:52,865
[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]
338
00:12:52,949 --> 00:12:53,950
[PERALTA GROANS]
339
00:12:54,659 --> 00:12:55,660
[MUSIC STOPS]
340
00:12:56,077 --> 00:12:57,120
We're cool, we're cool.
341
00:12:57,204 --> 00:12:59,904
Everything's still cool.
He didn't hear me, we're cool.
342
00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:07,087
[PHONE BEEPS]
343
00:13:08,505 --> 00:13:10,549
Rosa. Pimento just put on a ski mask
344
00:13:10,674 --> 00:13:12,824
and broke into a creepy
abandoned warehouse.
345
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:14,219
Mmm, that's hot.
346
00:13:15,136 --> 00:13:16,262
Oh, wait, he's coming back out.
347
00:13:16,346 --> 00:13:17,972
DIAZ: Did he do something super shady?
348
00:13:18,056 --> 00:13:20,099
Are his eyes all wild?
349
00:13:20,183 --> 00:13:22,101
Sorry. Send a pic. Bye.
350
00:13:22,310 --> 00:13:23,978
Okay, guess we're done talking.
351
00:13:27,106 --> 00:13:29,306
Well, they still haven't
cleaned up in there,
352
00:13:29,441 --> 00:13:31,860
but the good news is I got a new plan.
353
00:13:31,985 --> 00:13:33,194
I let one of the perps
354
00:13:33,278 --> 00:13:34,696
accidentally get out of holding,
355
00:13:34,780 --> 00:13:37,824
then I take him down to the break room.
Oopsie.
356
00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:39,284
Now it's a whole crime scene.
357
00:13:39,368 --> 00:13:41,536
[GASPS] And then we can
get crime scene cleaners.
358
00:13:41,620 --> 00:13:43,413
Boom.
359
00:13:43,622 --> 00:13:45,831
That room gets clean
when I say it gets cleaned.
360
00:13:45,915 --> 00:13:47,541
You can't stop us now.
361
00:13:47,625 --> 00:13:49,459
You ever heard the old saying,
362
00:13:49,543 --> 00:13:51,837
"Know the garbage, know the man"?
363
00:13:52,046 --> 00:13:53,046
That's not a saying.
364
00:13:53,130 --> 00:13:54,089
Yes, it is.
365
00:13:54,173 --> 00:13:55,800
I know all your secrets.
366
00:13:56,425 --> 00:13:57,677
[SNAPS FINGERS] Boyle.
367
00:13:57,802 --> 00:13:59,303
You got a taste for fast food.
368
00:13:59,387 --> 00:14:01,053
[GIGGLES] Those aren't mine.
369
00:14:01,137 --> 00:14:02,722
I only eat locally-sourced meats.
370
00:14:02,806 --> 00:14:04,390
They could be Terry's.
He was fat once, you know?
371
00:14:04,474 --> 00:14:05,524
What the hell, Boyle?
372
00:14:05,976 --> 00:14:07,376
MARGE: Speaking of Jeffords,
373
00:14:07,644 --> 00:14:08,978
maybe your daughters would like to know
374
00:14:09,062 --> 00:14:11,481
that their daddy throws
away all their drawings?
375
00:14:11,773 --> 00:14:14,108
They just draw so many,
and they're all so bad.
376
00:14:14,192 --> 00:14:15,776
MARGE: And you, Santiago,
377
00:14:16,026 --> 00:14:18,028
maybe the world would like
to see that draft of a memo
378
00:14:18,112 --> 00:14:21,991
you wrote where you used
T-H-E-I-R instead of T-H-E-R-E?
379
00:14:22,241 --> 00:14:23,992
Oh, you sick son of a bitch.
380
00:14:24,076 --> 00:14:25,285
Why do you hate us so much?
381
00:14:25,369 --> 00:14:27,329
I know you call me Mean Marge.
382
00:14:27,496 --> 00:14:29,498
Do you even know my last name, hmm?
383
00:14:30,873 --> 00:14:32,500
Mop-Bucket?
384
00:14:33,501 --> 00:14:34,585
Please.
385
00:14:34,669 --> 00:14:36,129
Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys.
386
00:14:37,338 --> 00:14:38,388
"Mop-Bucket," Scully?
387
00:14:39,132 --> 00:14:40,758
It was an educated guess.
388
00:14:43,011 --> 00:14:44,136
Thanks for coming.
389
00:14:44,220 --> 00:14:45,553
Pimento put the duffel in his trunk,
390
00:14:45,637 --> 00:14:47,096
parked around the corner, and went home.
391
00:14:47,180 --> 00:14:49,140
He's been doing shirtless tai
chi in his window ever since.
392
00:14:49,224 --> 00:14:50,475
Which window is that?
393
00:14:53,020 --> 00:14:54,021
Mmm-hmm.
394
00:14:54,604 --> 00:14:56,815
Okay. Look, I got to get into that trunk.
395
00:14:56,940 --> 00:14:58,608
And you need me to
break into the car for you?
396
00:14:58,692 --> 00:15:00,651
What? No, I can do it.
Why would you say that?
397
00:15:00,735 --> 00:15:03,111
Because one time you lost your
keys and you called a tow truck.
398
00:15:03,195 --> 00:15:05,113
My mom pays for roadside assistance.
399
00:15:05,197 --> 00:15:07,199
Why wouldn't I call it? I'm doing this.
400
00:15:11,537 --> 00:15:14,540
Okay, great take.
You guys are finally getting it.
401
00:15:15,041 --> 00:15:16,332
All right, let's go again.
402
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:18,293
Action Holt!
403
00:15:18,585 --> 00:15:19,836
[RHYTHMIC BLOWING]
404
00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:24,340
Welcome to the Nine-Nine.
I'm Captain Raymond Holt.
405
00:15:24,424 --> 00:15:27,510
And I'm Detective Rosa Diaz. Hee-yah.
406
00:15:27,969 --> 00:15:29,262
HOLT: What the hell is this?
407
00:15:29,346 --> 00:15:30,470
You had a pizzazz problem,
408
00:15:30,554 --> 00:15:32,104
so you've been recast, sweetie.
409
00:15:32,222 --> 00:15:33,272
Welcome to Hollywood.
410
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:36,268
You know, David here
really connected with the role.
411
00:15:36,393 --> 00:15:38,979
The key is to invent a
backstory for your character.
412
00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:42,524
Now, my Raymond Holt is
addicted to pills, but no one knows.
413
00:15:42,649 --> 00:15:46,361
You see, he really understands the craft,
414
00:15:46,694 --> 00:15:49,530
whereas you and Rosa
just sort of flop around
415
00:15:49,614 --> 00:15:51,366
like a couple of boring normals.
416
00:15:51,574 --> 00:15:54,911
I'm sorry, but we're detectives,
not professional actors.
417
00:15:55,078 --> 00:15:56,203
We were trying our hardest.
418
00:15:56,287 --> 00:15:58,331
"We were trying our hardest."
419
00:15:58,498 --> 00:16:01,375
Gina, this is a disgrace.
I'm removing you as director.
420
00:16:03,085 --> 00:16:04,419
There he goes.
421
00:16:04,503 --> 00:16:06,338
[WHISPERS] Off to take more pills.
422
00:16:07,422 --> 00:16:10,217
Oh, yeah. Suck it, roadside assistance.
423
00:16:10,926 --> 00:16:12,010
PIMENTO: Well, well, well.
424
00:16:12,094 --> 00:16:13,470
Hello, Jake.
425
00:16:13,678 --> 00:16:15,762
Adrian, what a coincidence
bumping into you here.
426
00:16:15,846 --> 00:16:17,681
Well, see you tomorrow.
427
00:16:18,432 --> 00:16:19,516
You know what, let's hang out now.
428
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,800
I was thinking the exact same thing.
[LAUGHS]
429
00:16:21,977 --> 00:16:23,353
What are you doing here, partner?
430
00:16:23,437 --> 00:16:24,646
DIAZ [OVER RADIO]:
Pimento's still in the window.
431
00:16:24,730 --> 00:16:25,731
Come on, Jake.
432
00:16:25,898 --> 00:16:27,983
You honestly didn't assume
I would hire a look-alike
433
00:16:28,067 --> 00:16:30,360
to wear a fake beard and
do tai chi in my window?
434
00:16:30,444 --> 00:16:32,111
No, I definitely didn't assume that.
435
00:16:32,195 --> 00:16:33,821
And plus, you seriously
thought that was me?
436
00:16:33,905 --> 00:16:37,199
I mean, you've seen me in my underpants.
My butt is rock hard.
437
00:16:37,283 --> 00:16:38,701
That guy's got a pancake butt.
438
00:16:38,785 --> 00:16:40,453
I can't believe you're
still working for Figgis.
439
00:16:40,537 --> 00:16:42,038
That's why you've been acting so weird.
440
00:16:42,122 --> 00:16:45,541
Breaking into my apartment, buying
a burner phone, grabbing this duffel.
441
00:16:45,625 --> 00:16:47,709
I broke into your apartment
'cause I didn't feel safe at my home.
442
00:16:47,793 --> 00:16:49,002
Okay.
443
00:16:49,086 --> 00:16:50,128
Is the only kind of phone I can get
444
00:16:50,212 --> 00:16:51,838
because I disappeared for 12 years,
445
00:16:51,922 --> 00:16:53,715
and now have terrible credit.
446
00:16:53,799 --> 00:16:55,633
You want to know what's in the duffel?
447
00:16:55,717 --> 00:16:57,344
Open it up, tough guy.
448
00:16:57,428 --> 00:16:58,595
[SIGHS]
449
00:16:59,179 --> 00:17:01,180
Oh, look at that.
450
00:17:01,264 --> 00:17:04,475
A bunch of old family photos,
and personal belongings.
451
00:17:04,725 --> 00:17:06,144
Pimento's mementos.
452
00:17:06,477 --> 00:17:09,188
I know you have a gun on me.
I just couldn't resist the rhyme, sorry.
453
00:17:09,272 --> 00:17:11,322
I stashed it all when I
became Paul Sneed.
454
00:17:11,482 --> 00:17:12,691
I couldn't have them finding anything
455
00:17:12,775 --> 00:17:13,984
that could trace back to my family.
456
00:17:14,068 --> 00:17:15,319
I get it, all right?
457
00:17:15,445 --> 00:17:17,236
I went through the exact
same thing when I came back.
458
00:17:17,320 --> 00:17:19,320
You have no clue what I've been through!
459
00:17:19,823 --> 00:17:20,991
You know what?
460
00:17:22,492 --> 00:17:23,992
I can't believe I trusted you.
461
00:17:25,704 --> 00:17:26,829
Okay.
462
00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:28,415
Just get out of here, Jake.
463
00:17:29,249 --> 00:17:31,167
DIAZ: Oh, my God, this
guy's got a pancake butt.
464
00:17:31,251 --> 00:17:33,301
It's not Pimento. Get out of there, Jake!
465
00:17:33,544 --> 00:17:34,962
Thanks, Rosa.
466
00:17:37,173 --> 00:17:39,508
So, Detective Pimento
didn't show up for work today.
467
00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:41,051
Any idea why?
468
00:17:41,135 --> 00:17:42,552
I straight-up drove him off.
469
00:17:42,636 --> 00:17:43,836
Big screw-up on my part.
470
00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,306
I'm trying this new thing
where I just own my mistakes.
471
00:17:46,390 --> 00:17:47,890
I like it. Do you?
472
00:17:47,974 --> 00:17:49,183
Until you bragged about it.
473
00:17:49,267 --> 00:17:50,768
Pimento left his gun,
and badge on my desk,
474
00:17:50,852 --> 00:17:55,148
along with a note reading, "I can't
do this. I'm better off as a bagman."
475
00:17:55,398 --> 00:17:56,441
Oh, no.
476
00:17:56,691 --> 00:17:57,775
You think he went
back to work with Figgis?
477
00:17:57,859 --> 00:17:58,902
Worse.
478
00:17:59,110 --> 00:18:00,570
Fine, single bag it.
479
00:18:00,904 --> 00:18:02,987
It's your funeral, you
dumb son of a bitch.
480
00:18:03,071 --> 00:18:04,364
Get out of here.
481
00:18:05,073 --> 00:18:06,074
Idiot.
482
00:18:07,618 --> 00:18:09,994
Hey, partner.
483
00:18:10,078 --> 00:18:12,414
Actually, cashiers and bag
boys need to be totally in sync…
484
00:18:12,498 --> 00:18:13,916
Shut up, Maggie.
485
00:18:14,249 --> 00:18:16,418
Look, man, you sacrificed
12 years of your life
486
00:18:16,502 --> 00:18:18,552
for the police department, you're a hero.
487
00:18:18,711 --> 00:18:20,411
I'm sorry that I didn't trust you.
488
00:18:20,755 --> 00:18:22,673
Yeah. Me, too.
489
00:18:22,882 --> 00:18:25,882
Look, can I tell you something
I've never told anyone before?
490
00:18:26,677 --> 00:18:30,223
My time undercover in the
Mafia was actually kind of lame.
491
00:18:31,015 --> 00:18:32,640
I mean, I wanted it to be badass,
492
00:18:32,724 --> 00:18:34,976
but I'm good at computers,
so I mostly just helped them
493
00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:36,853
switch over from AOL.
494
00:18:37,229 --> 00:18:39,439
I have no idea what you're going through.
495
00:18:39,523 --> 00:18:42,233
And I want to tell you that it's
all gonna go back to normal,
496
00:18:42,317 --> 00:18:43,767
but honestly, I have no clue.
497
00:18:47,029 --> 00:18:50,157
Anyways, the footage came back
on that B&E, and we've got a suspect.
498
00:18:50,241 --> 00:18:53,191
I'm going to bust him right
now if you want to come with me.
499
00:18:55,204 --> 00:18:58,154
Why don't you give me those eggs?
I'll put them on top here.
500
00:18:58,916 --> 00:19:00,251
Okay.
501
00:19:00,751 --> 00:19:02,585
What was that about?
What happened to you?
502
00:19:02,669 --> 00:19:05,755
Maggie, butt out! Okay? This is my life!
503
00:19:05,964 --> 00:19:09,008
So, I just received word from
our friend at the Guff in Foundation.
504
00:19:09,092 --> 00:19:11,386
Apparently they loved
our video submission.
505
00:19:11,511 --> 00:19:12,661
What did you send them?
506
00:19:12,887 --> 00:19:15,098
A cinematic masterpiece
is what I sent them.
507
00:19:15,265 --> 00:19:16,474
Did it feature pizzazz?
508
00:19:16,558 --> 00:19:17,808
No, none at all, sir.
509
00:19:18,350 --> 00:19:20,768
First, I couldn't wrap my
head around that concept,
510
00:19:20,852 --> 00:19:22,104
but then I realized,
511
00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:25,023
do you know which dogs get
the most likes on the Internet?
512
00:19:25,107 --> 00:19:26,108
Anatolian Shepherds.
513
00:19:26,275 --> 00:19:28,694
No, ugly little runts
514
00:19:28,860 --> 00:19:32,613
with wonky eyes, and tongues
that won't stay in their mouths.
515
00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:35,449
But the Anatolian Shepherd is
unrivaled for protecting livestock.
516
00:19:35,533 --> 00:19:37,118
I was trying to wow them,
517
00:19:37,285 --> 00:19:40,162
and I should have just been
showcasing our wonk-eye.
518
00:19:41,455 --> 00:19:42,456
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
519
00:19:42,540 --> 00:19:45,876
HOLT [ON COMPUTER]: We were trying
our hardest, but this is a disgrace.
520
00:19:45,960 --> 00:19:47,919
[ECHOING] Disgrace, disgrace.
521
00:19:48,295 --> 00:19:50,130
HOLT:
522
00:19:51,506 --> 00:19:55,051
And that's real audio of
your very real diva meltdown.
523
00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:57,971
You might just make
it as an actor after all.
524
00:19:58,555 --> 00:19:59,639
Well done, Linetti.
525
00:19:59,764 --> 00:20:02,933
Sergeant Linetti.
I had the fake Holt give me a promotion.
526
00:20:03,017 --> 00:20:04,817
He signed the papers and everything.
527
00:20:06,437 --> 00:20:07,563
What do you want?
528
00:20:07,771 --> 00:20:11,859
To tell you that we will officially be
renaming the fourth-floor break room
529
00:20:12,067 --> 00:20:14,320
"The Marge Bronigan Break Room."
530
00:20:16,071 --> 00:20:18,698
Well, looks like somebody
did their homework.
531
00:20:18,823 --> 00:20:20,158
It was me. I did it.
532
00:20:20,325 --> 00:20:21,367
So, what's the catch?
533
00:20:21,451 --> 00:20:23,327
The ceremony starts in two hours.
534
00:20:23,411 --> 00:20:26,205
Now, I know our squad
is not in the janitor's union,
535
00:20:26,289 --> 00:20:28,207
but it'd sure be nice if we were allowed
536
00:20:28,291 --> 00:20:29,991
to clean the place up before then.
537
00:20:32,086 --> 00:20:33,878
We cleaned up the stew,
538
00:20:33,962 --> 00:20:37,006
which means the Marge Bronigan Break Room
539
00:20:37,090 --> 00:20:38,675
is open for business.
540
00:20:38,967 --> 00:20:41,803
Okay, we'll take out your
trash, do normal cleaning,
541
00:20:42,095 --> 00:20:43,263
but no big messes.
542
00:20:43,388 --> 00:20:45,098
Great! Time for the christening.
543
00:20:45,182 --> 00:20:46,350
[CORK POPS]
544
00:20:46,516 --> 00:20:48,267
[ALL MURMURING]
545
00:20:49,518 --> 00:20:50,519
Oh, crap.
546
00:20:50,603 --> 00:20:51,729
[ALL GASP]
547
00:20:54,690 --> 00:20:56,150
Congratulations.
548
00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,403
Perp is on the third floor.
Everyone know your assignment?
549
00:20:59,487 --> 00:21:00,738
Mind if I tag along?
550
00:21:00,946 --> 00:21:02,155
Pimento?
551
00:21:02,239 --> 00:21:03,239
I thought about it.
552
00:21:03,365 --> 00:21:05,241
If you say things will
get back to normal,
553
00:21:05,325 --> 00:21:06,534
then I trust you.
554
00:21:07,869 --> 00:21:09,079
All right.
555
00:21:09,204 --> 00:21:11,331
Let's do this. You're with me, partner.
556
00:21:13,583 --> 00:21:14,959
NYPD! You're under arrest!
557
00:21:15,043 --> 00:21:16,711
You're gonna die!
558
00:21:16,878 --> 00:21:18,462
No, Pimento! No!