1 00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:04,489 Hey, Jakey, the place on the corner 2 00:00:04,573 --> 00:00:06,282 is serving lemonade, and you get to keep the jar. 3 00:00:06,366 --> 00:00:07,576 It's pretty cool. 4 00:00:08,326 --> 00:00:11,914 Yes, that's very cool, Scully. Mmm-hmm. 5 00:00:12,039 --> 00:00:14,239 Will you excuse me just one moment? Oh, sure. 6 00:00:14,333 --> 00:00:16,002 Guys, guys, guys! 7 00:00:16,669 --> 00:00:18,630 Scully has a mason jar full of lemonade. 8 00:00:18,714 --> 00:00:20,089 You called us in here to tell us that? 9 00:00:20,173 --> 00:00:22,509 No, I called you in here to change your lives! 10 00:00:22,759 --> 00:00:25,386 For, you see, a mere five minutes ago, Hitchcock introduced me 11 00:00:25,470 --> 00:00:27,220 to his new goldfish, who lives in… 12 00:00:27,557 --> 00:00:28,807 [GASPS] An identical mason jar! 13 00:00:28,891 --> 00:00:30,685 Oh, this isn't gonna end well. 14 00:00:31,102 --> 00:00:32,228 PERALTA: There are two possible outcomes, 15 00:00:32,312 --> 00:00:34,189 and we're going to bet on which one happens first. 16 00:00:34,273 --> 00:00:36,441 So, will Hitchcock put fish food in Scully's lemonade, 17 00:00:36,525 --> 00:00:38,401 or will Scully drink Hitchcock's goldfish? 18 00:00:38,485 --> 00:00:40,905 Now, you would think that putting fish food into lemonade… 19 00:00:40,989 --> 00:00:42,281 Hitchcock just drank his own fish. 20 00:00:42,365 --> 00:00:45,619 What? No! 21 00:00:47,037 --> 00:00:49,040 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 22 00:01:09,145 --> 00:01:10,689 Ames, you're two minutes late. 23 00:01:10,773 --> 00:01:12,023 I called all the emergency rooms. 24 00:01:12,107 --> 00:01:13,108 I know. 25 00:01:13,192 --> 00:01:14,609 I went home from your place to shower, 26 00:01:14,693 --> 00:01:15,735 and I'm so tired that I fell asleep 27 00:01:15,819 --> 00:01:16,904 while shaving my legs. 28 00:01:16,988 --> 00:01:17,989 But we went to bed so early. 29 00:01:18,073 --> 00:01:19,824 Property Brothers was over at 10:00. 30 00:01:19,908 --> 00:01:21,618 I mean… Sex. 31 00:01:21,868 --> 00:01:22,868 We do it. 32 00:01:22,952 --> 00:01:24,621 She's tired from all the doing it. 33 00:01:24,705 --> 00:01:26,164 Who are you talking to? Precinct. 34 00:01:26,248 --> 00:01:27,249 Come on, man. Yeah. 35 00:01:27,375 --> 00:01:28,542 No, I was up all night 36 00:01:28,626 --> 00:01:30,919 because your dumb, lumpy mattress is so uncomfortable. 37 00:01:31,003 --> 00:01:32,547 What? But I gave you the good lump. Ugh. 38 00:01:32,631 --> 00:01:34,507 Please stop talking 'til I finish eating my coffee. 39 00:01:34,591 --> 00:01:35,592 All right. 40 00:01:35,717 --> 00:01:37,817 [BRITISH ACCENT] Ooh, a lover's quarrel. 41 00:01:37,969 --> 00:01:39,639 No, I'm just tired. 42 00:01:39,806 --> 00:01:41,906 I didn't ask for part two. Never fear, Amy, 43 00:01:42,183 --> 00:01:44,351 for I have the solution to all of your problems. 44 00:01:44,435 --> 00:01:46,021 Highly-potent liquid speed. 45 00:01:46,105 --> 00:01:47,272 Oh, you gonna love that stuff. 46 00:01:47,356 --> 00:01:49,006 Devon, we're cops. Read the room. 47 00:01:49,149 --> 00:01:51,359 But I know you'll be excited, because I busted Devon here 48 00:01:51,443 --> 00:01:53,738 with four vials of this, which is a new drug called… 49 00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:55,197 Taxi! You actually found some? 50 00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:56,431 Yup. Your CI was right. 51 00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:57,533 It's popping up on the corners. 52 00:01:57,617 --> 00:01:59,160 Man, my snitches are the best. 53 00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:01,538 The key is to always send them handwritten thank-you notes. 54 00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:02,914 Oh. So what do you say? 55 00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:05,375 Shall we take this partnership from the sheets to the streets? 56 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:07,503 Ooh, our first case as a couple. 57 00:02:07,796 --> 00:02:09,589 Why not? Hey, guys. 58 00:02:09,673 --> 00:02:11,299 I just discovered a new drug, too. 59 00:02:11,383 --> 00:02:13,384 It's called "your relationship," and I'm high on it. 60 00:02:13,468 --> 00:02:14,720 Charles, I'm gonna need you to back off, man. 61 00:02:14,804 --> 00:02:15,930 Roger that. Yeah. 62 00:02:16,514 --> 00:02:17,974 All right. I'll take one. 63 00:02:18,683 --> 00:02:20,601 Now, go sell your candy to everyone else, stupid. 64 00:02:20,685 --> 00:02:22,937 Hey, hey, hey. You can't call a kid stupid. 65 00:02:23,021 --> 00:02:24,230 What if he's really stupid? 66 00:02:24,314 --> 00:02:25,482 Terry, this is Sam, my little brother 67 00:02:25,566 --> 00:02:26,691 from Brooklyn's Big Brothers. 68 00:02:26,775 --> 00:02:28,193 I think it's funny when she calls me stupid. 69 00:02:28,277 --> 00:02:29,277 No one cares, stupid. 70 00:02:29,361 --> 00:02:30,405 Screw you, Rosa. 71 00:02:30,989 --> 00:02:33,199 Sam's selling candy to pay for his basketball uniforms. 72 00:02:33,283 --> 00:02:35,284 He's a forward. I taught him how to elbow. 73 00:02:35,368 --> 00:02:36,369 Cool? 74 00:02:36,453 --> 00:02:38,455 Now, go home and do all your homework, 75 00:02:38,539 --> 00:02:39,749 or I will end you. 76 00:02:39,915 --> 00:02:41,115 Don't let Rosa fool you. 77 00:02:41,208 --> 00:02:42,258 She's not that scary. 78 00:02:42,752 --> 00:02:44,546 She used to do ballet. No way. 79 00:02:44,671 --> 00:02:46,964 Which gave me the physical skills I need to strangle you with my feet. 80 00:02:47,048 --> 00:02:48,133 Now scram. 81 00:02:51,971 --> 00:02:53,306 I love being a mentor. 82 00:02:55,349 --> 00:02:57,226 It's called "taxi" because it's yellow, 83 00:02:57,310 --> 00:02:59,187 and it takes you where you need to be. 84 00:02:59,271 --> 00:03:01,189 Drug dealers have gotten so creative. 85 00:03:01,273 --> 00:03:03,316 It used to just be "crack," and then they'd be like, 86 00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:05,318 "Hey, we got a new one. What are we gonna call this?" 87 00:03:05,402 --> 00:03:06,654 And they'd go, "I don't know, crank?" 88 00:03:06,738 --> 00:03:08,739 This is certainly worth following up on. 89 00:03:08,823 --> 00:03:10,282 Santiago, take Boyle and work the case. 90 00:03:10,366 --> 00:03:11,450 Oh, but Jake… 91 00:03:11,534 --> 00:03:14,121 I mean, Detective Peralta brought in the perp, so… 92 00:03:14,622 --> 00:03:16,999 Good point. Peralta and Boyle can work the case. 93 00:03:17,124 --> 00:03:18,834 Actually, sir, I think we were kind of hoping 94 00:03:18,918 --> 00:03:20,518 we could work the case together. 95 00:03:20,629 --> 00:03:21,838 Oh, are you two no longer… 96 00:03:21,922 --> 00:03:23,089 Smooshing booties? 97 00:03:23,924 --> 00:03:26,092 Yes, that's exactly how I was gonna finish my sentence. 98 00:03:26,176 --> 00:03:27,720 -Figured. -SANTIAGO: We are still dating. 99 00:03:27,804 --> 00:03:29,972 It's all above board. HR gets daily updates 100 00:03:30,056 --> 00:03:32,266 and are BCC-ed on all our emails to each other. 101 00:03:32,350 --> 00:03:34,351 That's why HR Jim keeps high-fiving me. 102 00:03:34,435 --> 00:03:38,022 As a rule, I don't put couples in the field together, 103 00:03:38,106 --> 00:03:39,941 but you are two of my best detectives, 104 00:03:40,025 --> 00:03:41,818 so I will allow it. 105 00:03:41,902 --> 00:03:44,321 Just don't let any personal issues distract you from your work. 106 00:03:44,405 --> 00:03:45,448 You have nothing to worry about. 107 00:03:45,532 --> 00:03:46,657 There's no personal issues here. 108 00:03:46,741 --> 00:03:48,242 We've never even had a fight. It's true. 109 00:03:48,326 --> 00:03:49,326 Our only close call 110 00:03:49,410 --> 00:03:51,121 was when Jake didn't know who Will Shortz was. 111 00:03:51,205 --> 00:03:52,289 Really? 112 00:03:54,124 --> 00:03:55,774 Never heard of the puzzle master? 113 00:03:57,838 --> 00:03:59,438 This is who you want to be with? 114 00:04:00,465 --> 00:04:02,915 I shouldn't get involved. Good luck with the case. 115 00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:04,679 Thank you. 116 00:04:07,890 --> 00:04:09,391 Whoa. What's up with you, Furiosa? 117 00:04:09,475 --> 00:04:12,604 I'm in a huff, that's what, because of what just happened in the garage. 118 00:04:12,688 --> 00:04:17,109 ♪ Charles in charge of our days and our nights ♪ 119 00:04:17,484 --> 00:04:18,903 What? Nuh-uh. 120 00:04:19,487 --> 00:04:21,823 How am I supposed to… Come on! 121 00:04:22,198 --> 00:04:24,951 Some clown clown-parked his clown car 122 00:04:25,118 --> 00:04:27,329 in Captain Holt's spot and halfway into mine. 123 00:04:27,538 --> 00:04:28,539 What a clown! 124 00:04:28,664 --> 00:04:29,707 Sporty? Mmm-hmm. 125 00:04:29,874 --> 00:04:31,458 Convertible? Yeah, that's the one. 126 00:04:31,542 --> 00:04:33,586 Oh, I hate people who drive sports cars. 127 00:04:33,670 --> 00:04:36,214 You're not Gloria Estefan, and this isn't Miami. 128 00:04:36,381 --> 00:04:37,716 Charles. Hey, Captain. 129 00:04:37,966 --> 00:04:39,425 Get ready to join me in the huff zone. 130 00:04:39,509 --> 00:04:41,637 No. Some creep had the gall… 131 00:04:41,721 --> 00:04:44,515 I saw you drove Gertie to work this morning, huh, Captain? 132 00:04:44,599 --> 00:04:47,184 Oh, yes. Kevin and I finally brought her up from the country. 133 00:04:47,268 --> 00:04:48,568 Gertie is our convertible. 134 00:04:48,729 --> 00:04:51,147 I think you'd like her. She's a real peppy broad. 135 00:04:51,231 --> 00:04:53,181 Oh, I didn't realize that was your car. 136 00:04:53,317 --> 00:04:54,317 My car? 137 00:04:54,401 --> 00:04:55,736 "Raymond Holt" may be on the title, 138 00:04:55,820 --> 00:04:57,864 but no man can own her spirit. 139 00:04:58,531 --> 00:05:00,241 Anyway, I'm sorry, Boyle. I interrupted you. 140 00:05:00,325 --> 00:05:02,425 You were saying something about some creep. 141 00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:05,789 Just some strangler that I was… Arrested. 142 00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,833 I was talking about some strangler that I arrested. 143 00:05:07,917 --> 00:05:09,919 Well, good job. Put the paperwork on my desk. 144 00:05:10,003 --> 00:05:11,587 Thank you. 145 00:05:11,671 --> 00:05:14,049 Great. Now I have to go find a strangler. 146 00:05:16,928 --> 00:05:18,053 Hey. Hey. 147 00:05:18,137 --> 00:05:21,139 So, I marked all the corners where taxi has been spotted on this map. 148 00:05:21,223 --> 00:05:22,474 You'll probably notice right away 149 00:05:22,558 --> 00:05:23,725 that it makes the shape of a boob. 150 00:05:23,809 --> 00:05:26,187 This looks great. Confirms Devon's story. 151 00:05:26,271 --> 00:05:28,064 He says his dealer hangs out here, 152 00:05:28,148 --> 00:05:29,148 in the underboob. 153 00:05:29,232 --> 00:05:30,316 He said he'll point him out to us. 154 00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:31,777 So you approach on foot from the south, 155 00:05:31,861 --> 00:05:33,863 and me and Devon will be in an unmarked car here. 156 00:05:33,947 --> 00:05:36,323 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 157 00:05:36,407 --> 00:05:37,533 "Me and Devon"? 158 00:05:37,617 --> 00:05:39,911 Didn't you mean "Devon and I"? 159 00:05:39,995 --> 00:05:41,788 Oh, God. I corrected your grammar! 160 00:05:41,872 --> 00:05:44,124 [GASPS] Are you so proud of me? Are you horrified? 161 00:05:44,208 --> 00:05:45,209 Are you super horny? 162 00:05:45,334 --> 00:05:47,044 I'm just really tired. Leave me alone. 163 00:05:47,128 --> 00:05:48,629 Don't you mean leave "I" alone? 164 00:05:48,713 --> 00:05:49,797 No, that one felt wrong. 165 00:05:49,881 --> 00:05:51,257 I guess we're equally bad at grammar. 166 00:05:51,341 --> 00:05:52,466 I'm not bad at grammar. 167 00:05:52,550 --> 00:05:54,970 I'm exhausted because you refuse to get a new mattress! 168 00:05:55,054 --> 00:05:57,254 All right, why don't you just get a new back? 169 00:05:58,766 --> 00:05:59,766 I didn't mean that. 170 00:05:59,850 --> 00:06:02,520 We're not fighting. We can totally work together. We're fine. 171 00:06:02,604 --> 00:06:04,355 Yeah, that wasn't a fight. 172 00:06:04,439 --> 00:06:06,190 That was just sexy workplace banter. 173 00:06:06,274 --> 00:06:07,275 Exactly. 174 00:06:07,359 --> 00:06:09,987 I mean, mattresses are also sexy 'cause that's where you do it. 175 00:06:10,071 --> 00:06:12,323 Yeah. And grammar is a system of language 176 00:06:12,407 --> 00:06:14,575 involving syntax and semantics. 177 00:06:14,659 --> 00:06:15,703 Also sexy. 178 00:06:17,079 --> 00:06:18,956 Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. 179 00:06:19,081 --> 00:06:20,431 Point is, we're good. Yeah. 180 00:06:24,546 --> 00:06:25,796 SANTIAGO [OVER RADIO]: All right. You're almost to the corner. 181 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,798 -You sure you're not gonna be spotted? -PERALTA: Absolutely. 182 00:06:27,882 --> 00:06:29,719 My cover makes me invisible. 183 00:06:30,386 --> 00:06:31,428 Excuse me, ma'am. 184 00:06:31,512 --> 00:06:33,764 Do you have two minutes to talk about the environment? 185 00:06:33,848 --> 00:06:34,848 Nailed it. 186 00:06:34,932 --> 00:06:36,475 Now no one will make eye contact with me. 187 00:06:36,559 --> 00:06:37,602 I think it's cute. 188 00:06:37,686 --> 00:06:39,312 You're like an idealistic grad student. 189 00:06:39,396 --> 00:06:40,522 You like that? 190 00:06:40,772 --> 00:06:41,981 You want me to tell you about the time 191 00:06:42,065 --> 00:06:43,816 that I backpacked through the Netherlands? 192 00:06:43,900 --> 00:06:47,572 Ooh, did you fold all your stuff up really small to fit into one carry-on? 193 00:06:47,739 --> 00:06:49,949 Is that what you want me to have done? 194 00:06:50,241 --> 00:06:51,577 Hey, there's my dealer. 195 00:06:51,952 --> 00:06:53,954 Jake, gray jacket, 6 o'clock. 196 00:06:54,997 --> 00:06:55,997 Excuse me, sir. 197 00:06:56,081 --> 00:06:57,624 Do you have two minutes to talk about the environment? 198 00:06:57,708 --> 00:06:58,708 NYPD! Freeze! 199 00:06:58,792 --> 00:06:59,835 We got a rabbit! 200 00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:01,369 He's headed for the building. 201 00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,298 I'll just stay here. 202 00:07:09,847 --> 00:07:12,147 All right, let's split up and meet around back. 203 00:07:17,105 --> 00:07:18,231 NYPD! Freeze! 204 00:07:18,774 --> 00:07:20,124 Jake, he's coming your way! 205 00:07:23,696 --> 00:07:24,864 [BOTH GRUNTING] 206 00:07:26,491 --> 00:07:28,202 Nice takedown. Thanks. 207 00:07:28,410 --> 00:07:29,995 Oh, my God. What? 208 00:07:30,079 --> 00:07:31,913 Nothing, nothing. Let's just take this guy in. 209 00:07:31,997 --> 00:07:32,998 No. What is it? 210 00:07:33,123 --> 00:07:36,586 It's just… This mattress looks just like your mattress at home. 211 00:07:37,045 --> 00:07:38,170 What? No, it doesn't. 212 00:07:38,254 --> 00:07:40,381 I mean, sure, there are a couple of similarities, but… 213 00:07:40,465 --> 00:07:42,425 Oh, man. It's the exact same one. 214 00:07:42,676 --> 00:07:44,345 Ugh, I have a dumpster mattress! 215 00:07:44,804 --> 00:07:46,763 All right. That settles it. We're going mattress shopping. 216 00:07:46,847 --> 00:07:49,141 Seriously? Oh, this is the best. 217 00:07:49,225 --> 00:07:50,768 I'm so proud of you. 218 00:07:50,852 --> 00:07:53,146 You know, once we get it, we'll have to break it in. 219 00:07:53,230 --> 00:07:54,856 Oh, I hear what you're saying. 220 00:07:55,357 --> 00:07:56,649 Mattress trampoline. 221 00:07:56,733 --> 00:07:58,485 Wait, no. You were talking about sex. Yeah. 222 00:07:58,569 --> 00:07:59,819 Then mattress trampoline. 223 00:07:59,987 --> 00:08:01,280 Sure. Okay. 224 00:08:03,366 --> 00:08:06,245 Diaz, your friend Sam is here. Nice. 225 00:08:06,495 --> 00:08:09,080 That little dum-dum finished his homework early. Where is he? 226 00:08:09,164 --> 00:08:10,582 Before I answer, 227 00:08:10,666 --> 00:08:12,585 maybe we could brew a pot of nice, 228 00:08:12,669 --> 00:08:14,211 relaxing kava tea, and then… 229 00:08:14,295 --> 00:08:15,296 Spit it out. 230 00:08:15,380 --> 00:08:17,480 Sam was brought in for shoplifting a phone. 231 00:08:19,844 --> 00:08:22,137 I also have chamomile! That might calm us down. 232 00:08:22,221 --> 00:08:24,931 Oh, if you want calm, there's some 'ludes in evidence, 233 00:08:25,015 --> 00:08:26,476 if anybody would ever let me get them out. 234 00:08:26,560 --> 00:08:28,519 Hey! What were you thinking? 235 00:08:28,603 --> 00:08:29,938 I made a mistake! 236 00:08:30,105 --> 00:08:31,272 The phones were just lying there, 237 00:08:31,356 --> 00:08:32,732 and I didn't think things through. 238 00:08:32,816 --> 00:08:33,860 I'm sorry, Rosa. 239 00:08:33,985 --> 00:08:36,028 Rosa is your friend from before you were a criminal. 240 00:08:36,112 --> 00:08:37,404 You are dealing with Detective Diaz now, 241 00:08:37,488 --> 00:08:40,449 and she is gonna make sure you rot in juvie for the rest of your life. 242 00:08:40,533 --> 00:08:43,162 Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I talk to you for a minute? 243 00:08:46,874 --> 00:08:48,960 It feels like you're being a little harsh. 244 00:08:49,127 --> 00:08:50,211 Thanks. Good note. 245 00:08:50,295 --> 00:08:52,046 I was going for extremely harsh. I'll turn it up. 246 00:08:52,130 --> 00:08:53,631 Diaz, he's just a kid. 247 00:08:54,132 --> 00:08:56,134 Can't you just let him off with a warning? 248 00:08:56,218 --> 00:08:57,677 Sometimes being as tough as possible 249 00:08:57,761 --> 00:08:59,179 doesn't lead to the best outcome. 250 00:08:59,263 --> 00:09:01,890 This isn't Cagney calling Lacey a poopy-head. 251 00:09:01,974 --> 00:09:04,060 I'm not just gonna give him a time-out. 252 00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:06,605 Time-out? Are you kidding? 253 00:09:06,938 --> 00:09:10,192 "Poopy-head" means no Doc McStuffins for a week! 254 00:09:10,276 --> 00:09:11,819 Terry hates bathroom talk. 255 00:09:12,737 --> 00:09:14,488 Gina. Gina. 256 00:09:16,157 --> 00:09:17,617 Gina, I screwed up big time. 257 00:09:17,701 --> 00:09:20,703 Charles, given your daily life experiences, 258 00:09:20,787 --> 00:09:22,748 you're gonna have to be more specific. 259 00:09:22,998 --> 00:09:24,124 Gertie! 260 00:09:25,168 --> 00:09:26,169 [METAL SCRAPING] 261 00:09:27,003 --> 00:09:28,338 Gertie! 262 00:09:28,504 --> 00:09:29,922 There's only one option for me, 263 00:09:30,006 --> 00:09:31,758 burn my face off with acid and disappear forever. 264 00:09:31,842 --> 00:09:36,222 Yes, you should do that. Or you could just tell him what happened. 265 00:09:36,347 --> 00:09:39,142 I mean, he parked in two spots. It's kind of his fault. 266 00:09:39,309 --> 00:09:40,685 Just have some B-bone, Boyle. 267 00:09:40,769 --> 00:09:42,353 You know that's my smallest bone. 268 00:09:42,437 --> 00:09:45,106 Come on. It's just a car. He's not gonna be that mad. 269 00:09:45,398 --> 00:09:47,235 Son of a bitch! 270 00:09:47,485 --> 00:09:49,319 Okay. I misjudged that one. 271 00:09:49,403 --> 00:09:51,947 Oh, what did he do to you, Gertie? What did he do? 272 00:09:52,031 --> 00:09:53,407 It was an accident, sir. 273 00:09:53,532 --> 00:09:55,911 Yes, an accident. The buffoon's apology. 274 00:09:56,203 --> 00:09:57,328 This is your fault, mister. 275 00:09:57,412 --> 00:09:59,664 Interesting. Charles? 276 00:09:59,748 --> 00:10:01,148 Do you feel that's the case? 277 00:10:01,292 --> 00:10:04,671 Um, your car is pretty far over the line. 278 00:10:05,004 --> 00:10:08,217 Mmm. So it's kind of your fault, too. 279 00:10:08,467 --> 00:10:09,593 Pass the blame. 280 00:10:09,760 --> 00:10:11,262 The buffoonery is endless. 281 00:10:11,595 --> 00:10:13,346 You're gonna pay for what you've done. 282 00:10:13,430 --> 00:10:14,932 And it won't be cheap. 283 00:10:15,391 --> 00:10:17,852 They'll have to custom-mix the color 284 00:10:18,186 --> 00:10:22,107 because they no longer make raspberry sherbet. 285 00:10:23,776 --> 00:10:26,236 [SIGHS] They're all so beautiful. 286 00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:28,120 And they're all about to be tested… 287 00:10:28,239 --> 00:10:29,448 Bouncy-styles. 288 00:10:30,742 --> 00:10:33,244 Three, six, nine Damn, she fine 289 00:10:33,328 --> 00:10:35,371 Hoping she can sock it to me one more time 290 00:10:35,455 --> 00:10:37,583 Get low, get low, get low, get low 291 00:10:37,667 --> 00:10:41,379 To the window To the window To the wall 292 00:10:41,796 --> 00:10:43,214 I love this mattress. 293 00:10:43,298 --> 00:10:45,050 BRIAN: And it loves having you in it. 294 00:10:45,134 --> 00:10:46,135 God? 295 00:10:46,302 --> 00:10:47,845 It's Brian. Oh. 296 00:10:48,220 --> 00:10:50,222 And I'm obsessed with giving you a good night's sleep. 297 00:10:50,306 --> 00:10:51,306 PERALTA: Hello, Brian. 298 00:10:51,390 --> 00:10:53,142 Coming on a little strong there, buddy… 299 00:10:53,226 --> 00:10:54,227 And I'm digging it. 300 00:10:54,311 --> 00:10:55,728 How much to take this bad boy home? 301 00:10:55,812 --> 00:10:58,312 Actually, that's one of our more reasonable models. 302 00:10:58,440 --> 00:11:01,110 Holy Moses! That is much too much money. 303 00:11:01,569 --> 00:11:04,863 Well, you spent twice that for Mr. Met to come to your birthday party. 304 00:11:04,947 --> 00:11:06,281 Yeah, and it was worth it. 305 00:11:06,365 --> 00:11:08,159 Mr. Met used my bathroom. Number two. 306 00:11:08,243 --> 00:11:10,193 That's a memory I will cherish forever. 307 00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:14,166 Look, mattresses are expensive, but they're an investment. 308 00:11:14,250 --> 00:11:15,960 It's gonna be in your life for a long time. 309 00:11:16,044 --> 00:11:19,004 True, but it's also still just a mattress, you know? 310 00:11:19,088 --> 00:11:20,631 It's a lot of money to spend on a rectangle 311 00:11:20,715 --> 00:11:22,300 that's filled with springs and goose hair. 312 00:11:22,384 --> 00:11:23,760 You know it's feathers. I didn't. 313 00:11:23,844 --> 00:11:25,553 And it would be money well spent, 314 00:11:25,637 --> 00:11:27,973 because it would allow me to actually sleep in your bed. 315 00:11:28,057 --> 00:11:30,810 But I already have a mattress. It just doesn't seem worth it. 316 00:11:30,894 --> 00:11:34,314 Okay, well, to me, it sounds like you're saying I'm not worth it. 317 00:11:34,856 --> 00:11:37,150 So I'm gonna go sleep in my grown-up mattress 318 00:11:37,234 --> 00:11:39,734 that I bought this century, and you're not invited. 319 00:11:42,365 --> 00:11:44,450 You know, she's right about mattresses being an investment. 320 00:11:44,534 --> 00:11:45,994 Back off, Brian. 321 00:11:51,542 --> 00:11:52,627 Morning. 322 00:11:53,503 --> 00:11:54,587 You look well-rested. 323 00:11:54,754 --> 00:11:56,964 Yes, because I slept in my own bed. 324 00:11:57,758 --> 00:11:59,175 BOYLE: I was tossing and turning. 325 00:11:59,259 --> 00:12:01,886 Jake told me about your fight. I'm so worried about you two. 326 00:12:01,970 --> 00:12:02,971 Thank you, Charles. 327 00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:05,182 What do I have to do, buy the mattress myself? 328 00:12:05,266 --> 00:12:06,267 Done. 329 00:12:06,351 --> 00:12:07,351 Problem solved. No. 330 00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:08,436 It would make him so happy. 331 00:12:08,520 --> 00:12:09,645 Good job on the bust yesterday. 332 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:11,397 How was it, working together as a couple? 333 00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:12,858 -So good. -PERALTA: So great. 334 00:12:12,942 --> 00:12:14,026 Yeah. Super mellow and chill. 335 00:12:14,110 --> 00:12:15,110 Yeah. 336 00:12:15,194 --> 00:12:16,194 She slapped my butt once. Mmm-hmm. 337 00:12:16,278 --> 00:12:17,362 We're definitely falling in love. 338 00:12:17,446 --> 00:12:18,655 All right. Good, good, good. 339 00:12:18,739 --> 00:12:20,908 We found something strange on the dealer you brought in, 340 00:12:20,992 --> 00:12:22,744 two matchbooks from the same hotel. 341 00:12:23,286 --> 00:12:26,540 He's refusing to give up his supplier, but this could be something. 342 00:12:26,624 --> 00:12:27,833 That's weird. Look at this. 343 00:12:27,917 --> 00:12:30,210 The same two matches are missing from both books 344 00:12:30,294 --> 00:12:32,129 third one on the bottom row, and fifth one on the top. 345 00:12:32,213 --> 00:12:33,505 -HOLT: Coincidence? -PERALTA: No way. 346 00:12:33,589 --> 00:12:35,383 No one would take matches out like that. 347 00:12:35,467 --> 00:12:37,218 Trust me, I smoked four cigarettes in college. 348 00:12:37,302 --> 00:12:38,636 One to completion. 349 00:12:38,720 --> 00:12:40,638 That's a code. A code? 350 00:12:40,722 --> 00:12:41,724 Exciting. 351 00:12:41,808 --> 00:12:43,158 I'll go get my pencil case. 352 00:12:43,601 --> 00:12:44,769 SANTIAGO: I bet it's a room number. 353 00:12:44,853 --> 00:12:47,021 Third floor, fifth room. Room 305. 354 00:12:47,230 --> 00:12:48,899 That's definitely it. Well, great. 355 00:12:48,983 --> 00:12:51,402 Great, great. Santiago has solved it. 356 00:12:52,570 --> 00:12:53,904 I want you two to go undercover 357 00:12:53,988 --> 00:12:55,572 as a couple to stake out the room. 358 00:12:55,656 --> 00:12:58,242 You should be very convincing, given that you're currently, uh… 359 00:12:58,326 --> 00:13:00,537 What was it, um… "Smooshing booties." 360 00:13:00,662 --> 00:13:03,207 Great, and thank you for saying it that way. 361 00:13:03,332 --> 00:13:05,042 It made us both feel very comfortable. 362 00:13:05,126 --> 00:13:06,294 Sure did. 363 00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:10,632 Hey, I've been looking for you. 364 00:13:10,841 --> 00:13:12,884 Before you decide what to do with Sam, 365 00:13:12,968 --> 00:13:15,068 there's someone I think you should talk to. 366 00:13:17,807 --> 00:13:18,808 Miss Miriam. 367 00:13:18,933 --> 00:13:20,226 Surprise! 368 00:13:20,351 --> 00:13:22,395 I tracked down your old ballet coach. 369 00:13:22,604 --> 00:13:25,232 I brought her in to remind you of the effect 370 00:13:25,316 --> 00:13:28,360 a kind, nurturing presence can have on a young life. 371 00:13:29,195 --> 00:13:30,362 Hello, dear. 372 00:13:30,613 --> 00:13:31,822 Have you continued to dance? 373 00:13:31,906 --> 00:13:33,116 No, Miss Miriam. 374 00:13:33,241 --> 00:13:34,409 Well, there's no surprise in that. 375 00:13:34,493 --> 00:13:35,994 You always were a lazy ox. 376 00:13:36,244 --> 00:13:38,121 What's this now? Look at your posture. 377 00:13:38,205 --> 00:13:41,166 You look as if you should be ringing the bells at Notre Dame. 378 00:13:41,250 --> 00:13:43,377 Miss Miriam was not nurturing, at all. 379 00:13:43,711 --> 00:13:45,796 All right, ox. Let's see what you've got. 380 00:13:46,715 --> 00:13:48,715 Five, six, seven, eight. [SNAPS FINGERS] 381 00:13:49,218 --> 00:13:51,970 Eyes up. Shoulders down. 382 00:13:53,055 --> 00:13:54,723 Well, that wasn't terrible. 383 00:13:54,807 --> 00:13:56,684 See, Sarge? Tough love works. 384 00:13:56,851 --> 00:13:57,852 Damn it! 385 00:13:57,977 --> 00:13:59,854 Terry proved the wrong point. 386 00:14:00,855 --> 00:14:02,941 Aw, chuckles. 387 00:14:03,025 --> 00:14:05,361 You're looking even more broken than usual. 388 00:14:05,486 --> 00:14:08,865 Yeah, I should have never have tried to stand up to Captain Holt. 389 00:14:09,157 --> 00:14:10,867 Why didn't I just beg for mercy? 390 00:14:11,159 --> 00:14:13,912 It's my signature move, "The Charles." 391 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,081 No, you are actually in the right in this sitch. 392 00:14:16,165 --> 00:14:18,042 The Captain is being irrational. 393 00:14:18,251 --> 00:14:21,045 But he's about to learn himself a lesson. 394 00:14:21,212 --> 00:14:23,298 Right about… 395 00:14:24,341 --> 00:14:26,218 Nah… 396 00:14:27,928 --> 00:14:28,928 HOLT: Oh, my! 397 00:14:29,012 --> 00:14:30,013 Now. 398 00:14:30,097 --> 00:14:31,266 Timed it perfectly. 399 00:14:31,975 --> 00:14:32,976 What? 400 00:14:33,142 --> 00:14:35,562 What did you do to my cupcake? 401 00:14:36,396 --> 00:14:37,396 This is yours? 402 00:14:37,480 --> 00:14:39,608 Why on Earth is your cupcake on my chair? 403 00:14:39,733 --> 00:14:40,984 Because it's very special to me, 404 00:14:41,068 --> 00:14:43,237 so I can put it wherever I want. 405 00:14:43,654 --> 00:14:44,822 This is your fault. 406 00:14:45,073 --> 00:14:46,824 Now you have to buy me a new cupcake. 407 00:14:46,908 --> 00:14:49,160 This is outrageous. You expect me to avoid… 408 00:14:49,661 --> 00:14:50,662 Oh. 409 00:14:50,912 --> 00:14:52,163 I see. Mmm-hmm. 410 00:14:52,665 --> 00:14:53,916 Yeah, you do. 411 00:14:54,041 --> 00:14:55,834 The cupcake was Gertie. Yes. 412 00:14:55,918 --> 00:14:58,086 Your butt was Charles's car. Yes. 413 00:14:58,170 --> 00:15:00,173 The chair was the parking space. Yes, I get it. 414 00:15:00,257 --> 00:15:01,716 Your office was the garage. 415 00:15:01,800 --> 00:15:03,510 Yes, I'm telling you I understand the lesson. 416 00:15:03,594 --> 00:15:07,098 And I was the brilliant Gina Linetti in both scenarios. 417 00:15:07,265 --> 00:15:08,641 All right. We're done here. 418 00:15:08,975 --> 00:15:10,143 Okay. 419 00:15:11,936 --> 00:15:13,438 You're a great captain. 420 00:15:14,982 --> 00:15:16,525 Jake, why don't you just sit down? 421 00:15:16,609 --> 00:15:17,692 No, thank you. 422 00:15:17,776 --> 00:15:19,528 I can see the feed better from here. 423 00:15:19,612 --> 00:15:21,364 It's really comfortable. 424 00:15:21,448 --> 00:15:23,158 All right. I'll sit. 425 00:15:24,784 --> 00:15:25,785 [SIGHS] 426 00:15:25,910 --> 00:15:28,330 Nope, my butt hates expensive things. No. 427 00:15:28,623 --> 00:15:30,040 You know what your butt hates? 428 00:15:30,124 --> 00:15:31,875 Making any sort of sacrifice for us, 429 00:15:31,959 --> 00:15:34,127 because it's not serious about this relationship. 430 00:15:34,211 --> 00:15:36,506 Okay, first of all, my butt is so serious 431 00:15:36,590 --> 00:15:38,174 it should be wearing spectacles. 432 00:15:38,258 --> 00:15:39,592 And second, your butt is the butt 433 00:15:39,676 --> 00:15:42,053 that is not serious about this relationship. [SCOFFS] 434 00:15:42,137 --> 00:15:45,724 My butt is totally serious. I've made all kinds of changes. 435 00:15:45,808 --> 00:15:47,393 I bought orange soda for you. 436 00:15:47,518 --> 00:15:48,811 Okay! 437 00:15:48,895 --> 00:15:50,564 For the last time, 438 00:15:50,648 --> 00:15:53,275 Orangina is not orange soda. 439 00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:55,069 Yeah, because it's better. 440 00:15:55,235 --> 00:15:57,488 [LAUGHS] Okay, now you're just being crazy. 441 00:15:57,613 --> 00:15:59,824 Ugh, you're not even taking this argument seriously. 442 00:15:59,908 --> 00:16:01,450 All right. You want to get serious? 443 00:16:01,534 --> 00:16:03,661 How come you haven't told your mom that we're dating? 444 00:16:03,745 --> 00:16:04,745 Yeah, that's right. 445 00:16:04,829 --> 00:16:06,415 I saw the text she sent you about setting you up 446 00:16:06,499 --> 00:16:07,583 with some dude named Gary. 447 00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:08,792 You read my texts? 448 00:16:08,876 --> 00:16:10,419 It buzzed when you were in the bathroom. 449 00:16:10,503 --> 00:16:12,255 Who doesn't bring their phone with them into the bathroom? 450 00:16:12,339 --> 00:16:13,715 That's, like, the whole reason to go in there. 451 00:16:13,799 --> 00:16:16,134 I haven't told her because I haven't had the chance. 452 00:16:16,218 --> 00:16:19,429 What? You talk to her, like, every week. You basically stalk her. 453 00:16:19,513 --> 00:16:22,182 Why don't you just admit that you don't want to tell her about me? 454 00:16:22,266 --> 00:16:24,351 Jake, it's not about you. 455 00:16:24,435 --> 00:16:26,896 Look, the minute I tell her that I'm dating someone, 456 00:16:26,980 --> 00:16:28,398 she's gonna call me all the time 457 00:16:28,482 --> 00:16:30,567 and ask me a million annoying questions. 458 00:16:30,693 --> 00:16:33,111 Wow, it sounds like such a huge drag. 459 00:16:33,195 --> 00:16:35,031 I guess I'm just not "worth it." 460 00:16:35,198 --> 00:16:37,908 Boom. Used the thing you said to me in a different argument in this argument. 461 00:16:37,992 --> 00:16:39,035 I win the argument. 462 00:16:39,285 --> 00:16:40,453 Oh, no, no, no. This is bad. 463 00:16:40,537 --> 00:16:41,830 Well, you started it… Or I did. 464 00:16:41,914 --> 00:16:43,123 I can't remember at this point. 465 00:16:43,207 --> 00:16:44,792 No, Jake. Look at the screen. 466 00:16:45,501 --> 00:16:46,502 Oh, no. 467 00:16:47,378 --> 00:16:51,424 PERALTA: For the last time, Orangina is not orange soda. 468 00:16:51,508 --> 00:16:52,967 SANTIAGO: Yeah, because it's better. 469 00:16:53,051 --> 00:16:55,637 PERALTA: [LAUGHS] Okay, now you're just being crazy. 470 00:16:56,389 --> 00:16:58,339 SANTIAGO: You're not even taking this… 471 00:16:58,891 --> 00:17:00,392 You do have to admit, it was a pretty good point 472 00:17:00,476 --> 00:17:01,853 about Orangina, though. 473 00:17:10,279 --> 00:17:11,530 Your turn, Peralta. 474 00:17:11,614 --> 00:17:13,491 Thank you, Santiago. 475 00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:16,494 Okay. 476 00:17:17,997 --> 00:17:20,415 I know you're mad, but before you say anything, 477 00:17:20,499 --> 00:17:21,834 yes, we screwed up. 478 00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:23,335 And yes, you warned us. 479 00:17:23,419 --> 00:17:25,755 And yes, I don't know where I'm going with this. 480 00:17:25,839 --> 00:17:27,465 But I do know this, 481 00:17:27,549 --> 00:17:29,449 I have reached the end of my sentence. 482 00:17:31,553 --> 00:17:33,453 Oh, my God. Did that work? Not at all. 483 00:17:33,765 --> 00:17:38,394 I can't believe you let a personal argument derail your investigation. 484 00:17:38,478 --> 00:17:41,773 I would characterize it more as a professional police disagreement. 485 00:17:41,857 --> 00:17:43,608 I listened to the tape. Oh, no. 486 00:17:43,692 --> 00:17:46,528 Yeah, well, then you know that it was a straight-up crazy bitch fight. 487 00:17:46,612 --> 00:17:48,739 Look, I know we screwed up the case, and I'm sorry. 488 00:17:48,823 --> 00:17:52,786 But if it's any consolation, I think we also screwed up our relationship. 489 00:17:53,036 --> 00:17:54,245 Peralta, have a seat. 490 00:17:54,330 --> 00:17:55,997 I believe this might help. 491 00:17:56,081 --> 00:17:57,499 When Kevin and I first started dating, 492 00:17:57,583 --> 00:18:00,001 he taught at a small college upstate. 493 00:18:00,085 --> 00:18:02,004 It was two hours away by train or bus, 494 00:18:02,088 --> 00:18:04,049 but only 30 minutes by car. 495 00:18:04,257 --> 00:18:05,675 Is this another one of your riddles? 496 00:18:05,759 --> 00:18:07,385 You rode to work on his shoulders. 497 00:18:07,469 --> 00:18:09,305 One set of footprints. No? 498 00:18:09,430 --> 00:18:10,848 No. Okay. 499 00:18:11,015 --> 00:18:12,599 Neither of us owned a car, and I didn't want to buy one 500 00:18:12,683 --> 00:18:15,483 because that would mean admitting that I cared for Kevin. 501 00:18:15,686 --> 00:18:18,064 He had the same fear, and so visits were rare, 502 00:18:18,148 --> 00:18:19,232 and I was miserable. 503 00:18:19,316 --> 00:18:22,152 Then one spring day, Kevin showed up at my door 504 00:18:22,236 --> 00:18:23,821 having purchased Gertie. 505 00:18:23,905 --> 00:18:26,949 He took the leap, and I'm so grateful that he did. 506 00:18:27,033 --> 00:18:29,702 I only regret that I didn't do it first. 507 00:18:30,245 --> 00:18:31,539 Do you understand? 508 00:18:32,540 --> 00:18:34,875 Absolutely, 100%. 509 00:18:35,167 --> 00:18:36,168 The train is your old mattress. 510 00:18:36,252 --> 00:18:37,419 Yeah. The car is your new mattress. 511 00:18:37,503 --> 00:18:38,796 I got it. Kevin is you. 512 00:18:38,880 --> 00:18:41,299 I'm Santiago. Loud and clear. 100%. 513 00:18:43,009 --> 00:18:44,010 [CLANGS] 514 00:18:44,177 --> 00:18:45,805 So, I took care of Sam. Uh-oh. 515 00:18:46,138 --> 00:18:47,473 That sounds ominous, 516 00:18:47,557 --> 00:18:49,475 like you went all Miss Miriam on him. 517 00:18:49,559 --> 00:18:51,009 I let him off with a warning. 518 00:18:51,143 --> 00:18:54,147 See, thing about Miss Miriam is she made me a good dancer, 519 00:18:54,231 --> 00:18:56,525 but she ruined my childhood. 520 00:18:56,859 --> 00:18:59,152 She was constantly riding me about my posture 521 00:18:59,236 --> 00:19:00,780 and my technique and my pink hair. 522 00:19:00,864 --> 00:19:02,414 Pink hair. Never speak of that. 523 00:19:02,740 --> 00:19:05,409 Copy. She's the reason I quit ballet. 524 00:19:05,493 --> 00:19:06,660 And I sure as hell don't want Sam 525 00:19:06,744 --> 00:19:09,414 to quit the Big Brother program 'cause of me. 526 00:19:09,498 --> 00:19:11,708 This is totally how 527 00:19:11,792 --> 00:19:14,336 I thought this Miss Miriam thing was gonna go. 528 00:19:14,504 --> 00:19:17,173 [CHUCKLES] Another flawless Terry plan. 529 00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:19,592 Boyle, I thought you should know. 530 00:19:19,676 --> 00:19:21,469 I just got Gertie back from the garage. 531 00:19:21,553 --> 00:19:22,847 She looks as good as new. 532 00:19:23,306 --> 00:19:24,848 Better, even, because after 12 years, 533 00:19:24,932 --> 00:19:27,518 they finally got the Annie Lennox cassette out of the tape player. 534 00:19:27,602 --> 00:19:28,686 Oh, I love her. 535 00:19:28,811 --> 00:19:30,647 Here's a check for the full amount. 536 00:19:32,816 --> 00:19:34,234 You don't owe me anything. 537 00:19:34,443 --> 00:19:36,779 It was my fault, and I behaved poorly, 538 00:19:36,946 --> 00:19:39,198 as Gina made abundantly clear. 539 00:19:39,365 --> 00:19:42,785 Oh, speaking of, you still owe me $14 for that cupcake. 540 00:19:43,954 --> 00:19:45,622 Hey. Hey. 541 00:19:45,706 --> 00:19:47,499 What's up? Two things. 542 00:19:47,625 --> 00:19:48,875 I ran the footage from the hotel 543 00:19:48,959 --> 00:19:51,087 through facial recognition software and got a match. 544 00:19:51,171 --> 00:19:52,713 Grady Lamont. 545 00:19:52,797 --> 00:19:54,299 This is his current address. 546 00:19:54,591 --> 00:19:56,884 That's good, I guess. Yeah, it's six years old. 547 00:19:56,968 --> 00:19:58,720 Well, druggies are lazy? 548 00:19:58,804 --> 00:20:00,013 He deals in uppers. 549 00:20:00,097 --> 00:20:01,515 We're screwed. Yup. 550 00:20:01,807 --> 00:20:03,100 What's the second thing? 551 00:20:03,309 --> 00:20:04,893 Well, the Captain and I were jamming 552 00:20:04,977 --> 00:20:07,397 on some personal issues, just going back and forth. 553 00:20:07,481 --> 00:20:10,081 I honestly think I helped him more than he helped me. 554 00:20:10,233 --> 00:20:11,985 I'm not buying any of that. No. 555 00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:15,114 [SIGHS] 556 00:20:15,281 --> 00:20:16,824 Amy Santiago… 557 00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:19,000 I want to change mattresses for you. 558 00:20:20,746 --> 00:20:22,330 That's the best thing I've ever heard. 559 00:20:22,414 --> 00:20:24,249 I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner. 560 00:20:24,333 --> 00:20:27,127 I think I was just scared that you were gonna realize 561 00:20:27,211 --> 00:20:28,588 you're way better than me. 562 00:20:28,672 --> 00:20:31,716 Like, you're Orangina, and I'm orange soda. 563 00:20:32,092 --> 00:20:33,301 Are you kidding? 564 00:20:33,510 --> 00:20:35,096 You're Orangina. Ugh. 565 00:20:35,388 --> 00:20:36,514 Don't say that. 566 00:20:36,639 --> 00:20:37,723 Look… 567 00:20:38,349 --> 00:20:39,976 I was scared too. 568 00:20:40,434 --> 00:20:41,934 I'm gonna call my mom tonight. 569 00:20:44,106 --> 00:20:45,148 Okay. 570 00:20:46,358 --> 00:20:47,693 Let's buy this baby. 571 00:20:48,485 --> 00:20:49,988 Calling up the website, 572 00:20:50,530 --> 00:20:53,533 finding the mattress, adding to cart, 573 00:20:54,158 --> 00:20:55,534 signing in as "Guest"… 574 00:20:55,618 --> 00:20:57,329 That is not an option. 575 00:20:57,454 --> 00:20:58,872 Creating an account… 576 00:20:58,956 --> 00:21:00,373 You don't have to buy it right this second. 577 00:21:00,457 --> 00:21:03,460 Nope, this is a big romantic gesture, and I'm nailing it. 578 00:21:03,544 --> 00:21:06,088 Shipping address… Not the same as billing address. 579 00:21:06,172 --> 00:21:07,882 Got to enter both of those. 580 00:21:07,966 --> 00:21:09,508 Jake, Jake, look! There's our guy. 581 00:21:09,592 --> 00:21:11,053 Oh, perfect timing. 582 00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:12,137 Submit order. 583 00:21:12,221 --> 00:21:14,473 Province? Oh, no. We're on the Canadian website. 584 00:21:14,557 --> 00:21:15,682 Click on the American flag. 585 00:21:15,766 --> 00:21:17,816 Jake! Yeah. We'll do this later. Let's go!