1 00:00:01,903 --> 00:00:04,280 Okay, squad, the funeral's at 3:00, 2 00:00:04,406 --> 00:00:06,783 followed by a reception at Shaw's Bar. 3 00:00:06,867 --> 00:00:08,910 I want you all on your best behavior. 4 00:00:08,994 --> 00:00:10,163 Yeah, and all eyes are gonna be on us, 5 00:00:10,247 --> 00:00:12,040 because Frick and Frack here killed Captain Dozerman. 6 00:00:12,124 --> 00:00:14,293 Hey, we accidentally startled a man 7 00:00:14,377 --> 00:00:15,919 with a genetic heart condition. 8 00:00:16,003 --> 00:00:17,797 If you really think about it, his parents killed him. 9 00:00:17,881 --> 00:00:19,007 All right, whatever. 10 00:00:19,091 --> 00:00:22,053 Look, there's a horse race going off in Dubai. I got serious money on it. 11 00:00:22,137 --> 00:00:23,179 Dismissed! 12 00:00:23,931 --> 00:00:26,142 Oh, yeah, we should all check out that race. 13 00:00:26,934 --> 00:00:28,144 God. 14 00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:30,271 He is the worst captain we've ever had. 15 00:00:30,355 --> 00:00:32,524 He drew boobies on my bulletproof vest. 16 00:00:32,608 --> 00:00:33,609 He stared at me for 90 seconds 17 00:00:33,693 --> 00:00:35,028 while he ate an entire peach. 18 00:00:35,112 --> 00:00:37,655 He heard that I speak Spanish, and he made me fire his housekeeper. 19 00:00:37,739 --> 00:00:38,824 She was Polish. 20 00:00:38,908 --> 00:00:41,558 At least he doesn't practice his crane kicks with you. 21 00:00:43,497 --> 00:00:44,707 [BOTH GRUNTING] 22 00:00:44,915 --> 00:00:46,084 PEMBROKE: I said not to move! 23 00:00:46,168 --> 00:00:48,086 I didn't move. Listen, guys. 24 00:00:48,170 --> 00:00:49,546 Jake and I were talking last night… 25 00:00:49,630 --> 00:00:50,964 Pillow talk alert! Set the scene. 26 00:00:51,048 --> 00:00:52,383 Spooning or face-to-face? Charles. 27 00:00:52,467 --> 00:00:53,760 [WHISPERING] Spooning. 28 00:00:53,844 --> 00:00:55,303 Anyway, we came up with a plan. 29 00:00:55,387 --> 00:00:58,307 Jake is going to befriend the Vulture 30 00:00:58,391 --> 00:00:59,850 so he lays off of us. [SIGHS] 31 00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:01,561 It's true. I'm gonna bro down with him. 32 00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:02,813 If everything goes according to plan, 33 00:01:02,897 --> 00:01:05,233 we should be beer pong doubles partners by the end of the week. 34 00:01:05,317 --> 00:01:07,367 Now somebody get me a puka shell necklace. 35 00:01:08,237 --> 00:01:09,572 I'm going full douche. 36 00:01:09,906 --> 00:01:11,909 [THEME MUSIC PLAYING] 37 00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:32,100 Okay. 38 00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:35,020 Hey, 'sup, bro? 39 00:01:35,104 --> 00:01:36,481 'Sup, Jake? 40 00:01:36,565 --> 00:01:39,192 Got a little update for you on that Deberg assault case. 41 00:01:39,276 --> 00:01:42,697 Turns out the victim's wife was super-hot. 42 00:01:42,781 --> 00:01:45,117 Yeah, I read the file. She's a mom. 43 00:01:45,201 --> 00:01:46,619 Not interested. True that. 44 00:01:47,955 --> 00:01:50,290 So listen, I've been thinking. 45 00:01:50,791 --> 00:01:52,293 We got off on the wrong foot here. 46 00:01:52,377 --> 00:01:55,630 And I believe it's 'cause we're just too damn similar. 47 00:01:55,714 --> 00:01:56,798 You do? Absolutely. 48 00:01:56,882 --> 00:01:59,677 We both love premium tequila. Yeah. 49 00:01:59,761 --> 00:02:01,053 Robin Thicke. Oh, yeah. 50 00:02:01,137 --> 00:02:03,140 Gots to have my puks. Gots to. 51 00:02:03,224 --> 00:02:05,601 And of course, most importantly, nip slips. 52 00:02:05,685 --> 00:02:07,395 [CHUCKLES] Let me ask you a question, Jake. 53 00:02:07,479 --> 00:02:09,189 You also like Okinawan martial arts? 54 00:02:09,273 --> 00:02:11,400 Because you left this in my back. 55 00:02:11,484 --> 00:02:13,737 Hmm? What I'm saying, Einstein, 56 00:02:13,821 --> 00:02:15,655 is that you stabbed me in my back. 57 00:02:15,739 --> 00:02:16,992 How so? 58 00:02:17,117 --> 00:02:18,159 SANTIAGO: We came up with a plan. 59 00:02:18,243 --> 00:02:20,746 Jake is going to befriend the Vulture so he lays off of us. 60 00:02:20,830 --> 00:02:22,748 Busted! I knew that you were faking it. 61 00:02:22,832 --> 00:02:24,751 I'll bet you don't even like nip slips! 62 00:02:24,835 --> 00:02:26,336 So, what, you bugged the briefing room? 63 00:02:26,420 --> 00:02:29,256 No, Scully butt-dialed me yesterday and he still hasn't hung up. 64 00:02:29,340 --> 00:02:31,176 [SIGHS] Once again, Scully's butt is the downfall 65 00:02:31,260 --> 00:02:32,260 of this precinct. 66 00:02:32,344 --> 00:02:35,097 Look, Jake, I know that you and Santiago are trying to take me down. 67 00:02:35,181 --> 00:02:37,850 You guys go home. You lay in bed together. 68 00:02:37,934 --> 00:02:40,479 You plot against me. Well, no longer. 69 00:02:40,563 --> 00:02:42,815 I want you to dump Santiago, and that's an order. 70 00:02:42,899 --> 00:02:45,903 What? You can't do that. It's completely against the rules. 71 00:02:45,987 --> 00:02:48,906 Okay, Sonia Sotomayor. I would never break the rules. 72 00:02:48,990 --> 00:02:50,283 But what I could do, 73 00:02:50,367 --> 00:02:52,577 for totally "unrelated reasons," 74 00:02:52,661 --> 00:02:55,081 is have you busted back down to a beat cop. 75 00:02:55,165 --> 00:02:57,584 No, don't do that, all right? 76 00:02:57,668 --> 00:02:58,961 I can learn to love nip slips. 77 00:02:59,045 --> 00:03:00,713 No, you either love them, or you don't. 78 00:03:00,797 --> 00:03:01,798 It's too late. 79 00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:04,832 You dump Santiago, or you kiss that detective badge goodbye. 80 00:03:07,096 --> 00:03:08,223 Beat it. 81 00:03:08,932 --> 00:03:11,436 First time back in the Nine-Nine. Mmm. 82 00:03:11,895 --> 00:03:16,442 I really miss these people. The whole crew. Jake, Terry… Bleh… 83 00:03:16,567 --> 00:03:18,193 I forget all their other names. 84 00:03:18,277 --> 00:03:20,863 Just remember, we're here as PR representatives. 85 00:03:20,947 --> 00:03:22,825 I don't want to be disruptive. Too bad. 86 00:03:22,909 --> 00:03:24,243 We're like rock stars to these people. 87 00:03:24,327 --> 00:03:25,619 They're gonna go nuts, just like… 88 00:03:25,703 --> 00:03:27,873 [HUSHED YELLING] 89 00:03:28,123 --> 00:03:29,249 I would hate it if these doors opened 90 00:03:29,333 --> 00:03:31,322 and everyone stopped working to applaud us. 91 00:03:31,406 --> 00:03:32,283 [ELEVATOR DINGS] 92 00:03:35,883 --> 00:03:37,927 Hmm, nothing. 93 00:03:38,011 --> 00:03:39,596 You must be loving this. 94 00:03:41,099 --> 00:03:42,349 Yes. 95 00:03:42,433 --> 00:03:44,436 What? He's ordering us to break up? 96 00:03:44,603 --> 00:03:46,688 Look, we can deal with this. We just need a new plan. 97 00:03:46,772 --> 00:03:48,149 I got it. We lie, 98 00:03:48,233 --> 00:03:50,192 tell him we broke up, and then date in secret. 99 00:03:50,276 --> 00:03:52,576 Great! And you'd be okay lying to your captain? 100 00:03:53,572 --> 00:03:54,722 Okay, new plan. Uh-huh. 101 00:03:54,990 --> 00:03:56,534 [GASPS] Captain Holt is here today. 102 00:03:56,618 --> 00:03:57,702 Yes, genius! 103 00:03:57,786 --> 00:04:00,122 He loves us, and he's got tons of sway in the department. 104 00:04:00,206 --> 00:04:01,373 He'll tell the Vulture to back down. 105 00:04:01,457 --> 00:04:02,626 Yeah, he'll be all 106 00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:06,881 [DEEP VOICE] "Vulture, I must insist that you desist." 107 00:04:06,965 --> 00:04:08,549 I really think this is gonna work. 108 00:04:08,633 --> 00:04:11,887 Also, if you ever want to bust out that Holt impression at home, 109 00:04:11,971 --> 00:04:13,071 I'd be okay with that. 110 00:04:13,305 --> 00:04:16,851 Oh… Okay. Duly noted, super-disturbing, 111 00:04:16,935 --> 00:04:18,485 but I'm definitely gonna do it. 112 00:04:19,731 --> 00:04:21,024 Hey, G-spot! 113 00:04:21,108 --> 00:04:24,111 Rosa, Charles, Oh, I missed you guys so much. 114 00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:25,946 Really, 'cause when you left, you made a pretty big deal 115 00:04:26,030 --> 00:04:27,073 of deleting us from your phone. 116 00:04:27,157 --> 00:04:29,368 Girl, that was just the showman in me. 117 00:04:29,452 --> 00:04:30,661 PR is so boring. 118 00:04:30,745 --> 00:04:33,122 I need some Nine-Nine drama, stat. 119 00:04:33,206 --> 00:04:34,332 I don't think we're that dramatic. 120 00:04:34,416 --> 00:04:35,793 I've been gone one week. 121 00:04:35,877 --> 00:04:37,711 Jake and Amy are dating, and they've killed a person. 122 00:04:37,795 --> 00:04:39,297 Mmm. Come on, Charles. 123 00:04:39,381 --> 00:04:41,633 You got to have something weird and tragic going on. 124 00:04:41,717 --> 00:04:43,260 No. Not unless you call hooking up 125 00:04:43,344 --> 00:04:44,887 with a girl at a funeral "weird and tragic." 126 00:04:44,971 --> 00:04:46,598 Home run! 127 00:04:46,682 --> 00:04:48,934 Her name is Lieutenant Singh. She's super-hot. 128 00:04:49,018 --> 00:04:51,062 We were seated next to each other two funerals ago. 129 00:04:51,146 --> 00:04:54,066 And there was hard eye contact all through Danny Boy. 130 00:04:54,150 --> 00:04:56,443 Last funeral, we made out in the parking lot. 131 00:04:56,527 --> 00:04:57,696 This time… 132 00:04:57,780 --> 00:04:59,781 [BRITISH ACCENT] Something naughty this way comes. 133 00:04:59,865 --> 00:05:01,784 Ugh. What do you even know about this person? [CHUCKLES] 134 00:05:01,868 --> 00:05:03,285 Oh, we don't know anything about each other. 135 00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:04,955 She says she likes that about us. 136 00:05:05,039 --> 00:05:07,791 It's just pure animal attraction. 137 00:05:07,875 --> 00:05:09,752 This is creepy and unlike you. 138 00:05:09,836 --> 00:05:10,962 You even know her first name? 139 00:05:11,046 --> 00:05:12,048 Oh, um… 140 00:05:12,256 --> 00:05:14,800 [CHUCKLES] Do animals in the wild know each other's names? 141 00:05:14,884 --> 00:05:18,179 Look, all I know is, Charles Boyle is going to that funeral, 142 00:05:18,263 --> 00:05:20,725 and he's going to put the bone back in boneyard. 143 00:05:23,062 --> 00:05:24,980 Hmm. Strange to be on this side of the desk. 144 00:05:25,064 --> 00:05:27,609 Why? Oh, right, you used to work here. 145 00:05:27,901 --> 00:05:29,527 You know, I made a lot of improvements since you left. 146 00:05:29,611 --> 00:05:31,572 I got a fridge for my protein shakes. 147 00:05:31,656 --> 00:05:32,823 I got a kettlebell station. 148 00:05:32,907 --> 00:05:34,657 I got a wolf that I killed in Utah. 149 00:05:35,410 --> 00:05:36,619 I'm fairly certain that's a dog. 150 00:05:36,703 --> 00:05:37,830 Yeah, it was dark. 151 00:05:37,914 --> 00:05:39,790 Sir, I'm sorry to interrupt, but I need you to sign these… 152 00:05:39,874 --> 00:05:42,878 [CHUCKLES] Captain Holt, I didn't realize you were here. 153 00:05:42,962 --> 00:05:44,672 Sergeant Jeffords, hello. Welcome back. 154 00:05:44,756 --> 00:05:46,174 PEMBROKE: Hey, you know, I'm gonna stop you right there. 155 00:05:46,258 --> 00:05:48,886 Hugs are a form of inappropriate workplace touching. 156 00:05:48,970 --> 00:05:52,182 Trust me, I'm very familiar with the sexual harassment guidelines. 157 00:05:52,266 --> 00:05:53,267 That'll be all. 158 00:05:55,102 --> 00:05:56,687 Well, I won't take up too much of your time. 159 00:05:56,771 --> 00:05:58,773 Because the Nine-Nine was Captain Dozerman's last precinct, 160 00:05:58,857 --> 00:06:01,485 you will be seated at the front of the funeral. 161 00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:03,863 I wanted to alert you that there'll be press, cameras… 162 00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:04,947 Whoa, whoa, whoa, cameras? 163 00:06:05,031 --> 00:06:06,784 Crap, nobody said anything about cameras. 164 00:06:06,868 --> 00:06:08,244 I got to rock the bells. 165 00:06:10,414 --> 00:06:11,664 There we go. 166 00:06:11,748 --> 00:06:12,999 Oh, uh, I noticed in the bullpen 167 00:06:13,083 --> 00:06:14,460 that you had changed the case-numbering system. 168 00:06:14,544 --> 00:06:15,878 I found, when I was commanding officer, that… 169 00:06:15,962 --> 00:06:17,464 I'm gonna stop you right there. 170 00:06:17,548 --> 00:06:18,882 You're not commanding officer anymore. 171 00:06:18,966 --> 00:06:20,467 I was making a suggestion. 172 00:06:20,551 --> 00:06:21,636 Yeah, look, you did a lot of good for this place 173 00:06:21,720 --> 00:06:22,720 while you were here, 174 00:06:22,804 --> 00:06:24,598 which is great for me, because I get to take credit for it. 175 00:06:24,682 --> 00:06:26,058 But you're not a real cop anymore. 176 00:06:26,142 --> 00:06:28,978 You're a desk jockey. This is my precinct now. 177 00:06:29,062 --> 00:06:31,983 And the sooner that you accept that, the better. 178 00:06:33,359 --> 00:06:36,571 Yes, well, I know my way out. 179 00:06:36,655 --> 00:06:39,492 'Cause you used to work here. I keep forgetting. 180 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:41,161 Everybody does. 181 00:06:43,623 --> 00:06:46,751 Well, well, if it isn't Captain Raymond Jacob Holt. 182 00:06:46,835 --> 00:06:48,378 It's great to see you back at the Nine-Nine, sir. 183 00:06:48,462 --> 00:06:49,587 Yes. 184 00:06:49,671 --> 00:06:52,800 There it is, that classic Jake Holt banter, zingers just flying around. 185 00:06:52,884 --> 00:06:55,929 It's like you never left. No, I most definitely left. 186 00:06:56,013 --> 00:06:57,305 Okay. 187 00:06:57,389 --> 00:06:59,642 Well, I know how much you love hot goss, 188 00:06:59,726 --> 00:07:01,562 so you probably heard Amy and I have been dating. 189 00:07:01,646 --> 00:07:04,273 And we would love your approval. No. 190 00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:06,442 But that's not what this is about. It sure is not. 191 00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:07,861 Sir, the Vulture is out of control. 192 00:07:07,945 --> 00:07:09,446 All right, he told me if I don't dump Amy, 193 00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:10,990 he's gonna demote me. You got to help us. 194 00:07:11,074 --> 00:07:12,200 Let me stop you right there, Peralta. 195 00:07:12,284 --> 00:07:13,702 I'm not the Chief of Detectives. 196 00:07:13,786 --> 00:07:15,078 I'm not the Vulture's boss. 197 00:07:15,162 --> 00:07:16,998 I'm just some guy in PR. 198 00:07:17,082 --> 00:07:18,916 But we thought… I can't save your ass. 199 00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,002 I don't work here anymore. 200 00:07:20,086 --> 00:07:21,636 And the sooner you accept that, 201 00:07:22,713 --> 00:07:23,840 the better. 202 00:07:26,928 --> 00:07:31,141 Well, looks like somebody's got a bad case of the funeral crankies. 203 00:07:35,563 --> 00:07:37,649 Okay, guys. I know Captain Dozerman was a nightmare 204 00:07:37,733 --> 00:07:38,817 and that none of us liked him. 205 00:07:38,901 --> 00:07:41,779 But I'm gonna need all of you to pretend like you're sad. 206 00:07:41,863 --> 00:07:43,281 Everyone make a sad face. 207 00:07:44,074 --> 00:07:45,576 Scully, you are nailing it! 208 00:07:45,702 --> 00:07:47,620 My wife just texted. She's leaving me. 209 00:07:47,704 --> 00:07:48,955 Good, use it. 210 00:07:49,039 --> 00:07:50,165 Now, anyone seen Captain Holt? 211 00:07:50,249 --> 00:07:51,958 He seemed a little down when he came in. 212 00:07:52,042 --> 00:07:54,045 Yeah, he let me choose the music on the way over here, 213 00:07:54,129 --> 00:07:56,506 which leads me to believe he's given up on life. 214 00:07:56,590 --> 00:07:57,799 JEFFORDS: I got to go find him. 215 00:07:57,883 --> 00:08:00,637 Now, be respectful and grieve your asses off. 216 00:08:00,721 --> 00:08:02,096 [SOBBING] I don't know why this is happening. 217 00:08:02,180 --> 00:08:04,600 Scully, I love it! Everyone follow his lead. 218 00:08:06,770 --> 00:08:08,939 [SIGHS] So what are we gonna do about the Vulture? 219 00:08:09,023 --> 00:08:10,858 I've got a new plan. Pretend like we're talking. 220 00:08:10,942 --> 00:08:12,026 We are talking. Exactly. 221 00:08:12,110 --> 00:08:13,235 It's working already. Now. 222 00:08:13,319 --> 00:08:15,822 I'm going to coolly run my hands through my hair. 223 00:08:15,906 --> 00:08:17,240 Look where my elbow's pointing. [GASPS] 224 00:08:17,324 --> 00:08:19,702 It's Davis Garmin, Chief of Detectives. 225 00:08:19,786 --> 00:08:21,872 -Holt said he could overrule the Vulture. -Exactly. 226 00:08:21,956 --> 00:08:23,958 The only question now is, will he believe us? 227 00:08:24,042 --> 00:08:27,045 Yes, 'cause we're gonna take a page from the Vulture's book. 228 00:08:27,129 --> 00:08:28,756 The Big Book of Small Butts? What? 229 00:08:28,840 --> 00:08:30,049 It's the only thing I've ever seen him read. 230 00:08:30,133 --> 00:08:31,760 No, we're gonna secretly record 231 00:08:31,885 --> 00:08:33,553 the Vulture telling you to dump me. 232 00:08:33,637 --> 00:08:34,930 Then we'll play it for Chief Garmin. 233 00:08:35,014 --> 00:08:36,099 Then… 234 00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,685 We're gonna totally have sex on top of each other. 235 00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:41,147 You get to keep your job. Yes, that. 236 00:08:42,148 --> 00:08:43,567 [SLOW ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING] 237 00:08:43,817 --> 00:08:45,944 Ooh, Charles, your jump-off is here. 238 00:08:46,028 --> 00:08:47,154 Hello, Detective. 239 00:08:47,238 --> 00:08:48,531 Hello, Lieutenant. 240 00:08:48,615 --> 00:08:50,158 Real tragic about the captain. 241 00:08:50,325 --> 00:08:51,827 Yes, real tragic. 242 00:08:52,036 --> 00:08:53,412 I like the way your butt looks today. 243 00:08:53,496 --> 00:08:55,039 I've been doing lunges in the shower. 244 00:08:55,123 --> 00:08:56,874 Well, this got upsetting real quick. 245 00:08:56,958 --> 00:08:59,503 I want to live in this moment forever. 246 00:08:59,587 --> 00:09:01,589 I got us a motel room across the street. 247 00:09:01,673 --> 00:09:04,093 Oh. Meet me there in 15 minutes. 248 00:09:04,843 --> 00:09:06,096 I'll meat you, all right. 249 00:09:06,471 --> 00:09:07,680 M-E-A-T. 250 00:09:10,976 --> 00:09:12,176 Still think it's creepy? 251 00:09:13,188 --> 00:09:14,189 Yes. 252 00:09:14,606 --> 00:09:17,818 Charles, it is not like you to have sex with a total stranger. 253 00:09:17,902 --> 00:09:22,533 Really, tell that to me in an hour when we've had sex 23 times. 254 00:09:25,453 --> 00:09:26,913 There you are. 255 00:09:26,997 --> 00:09:28,582 You okay, sir? No. 256 00:09:29,375 --> 00:09:31,961 Until this morning, some small part of me still believed 257 00:09:32,045 --> 00:09:34,095 I would be captain of the Nine-Nine again. 258 00:09:34,382 --> 00:09:36,967 What a fool I was. I should never have returned. 259 00:09:37,051 --> 00:09:38,928 It's like visiting your childhood home 260 00:09:39,012 --> 00:09:42,433 and seeing it's been replaced by a denim pants store. 261 00:09:45,354 --> 00:09:46,354 Whoa. 262 00:09:46,438 --> 00:09:48,232 Whoa! Whoa! 263 00:09:48,357 --> 00:09:49,734 Slow down, sir. 264 00:09:50,569 --> 00:09:52,488 You didn't even stop and sniff the bouquet. 265 00:09:52,572 --> 00:09:54,073 You always sniff the bouquet. 266 00:09:54,157 --> 00:09:55,199 Maybe the old Holt did. 267 00:09:55,283 --> 00:09:56,868 But the new Holt chugs Beaujolais 268 00:09:56,952 --> 00:09:59,204 from a Burgundy glass without a care. 269 00:10:00,165 --> 00:10:01,916 Oh, it's a Sauternes glass. 270 00:10:02,667 --> 00:10:06,171 [CHUCKLES] Look, the alcohol has rendered me a simpleton. 271 00:10:06,255 --> 00:10:08,049 Maybe you should just call it a day. 272 00:10:08,133 --> 00:10:09,176 I can't. 273 00:10:09,467 --> 00:10:12,304 I've been asked to deliver a toast here after the funeral, 274 00:10:12,388 --> 00:10:14,766 a message of hope. 275 00:10:15,100 --> 00:10:17,300 [INHALES SHARPLY] This is what I have so far. 276 00:10:22,193 --> 00:10:24,570 "Pain…" 277 00:10:26,948 --> 00:10:27,991 That's it. 278 00:10:28,742 --> 00:10:29,785 One tweak. Huh? 279 00:10:30,036 --> 00:10:32,079 Maybe you should lose the word "pain" 280 00:10:32,706 --> 00:10:33,957 and then get in a cab and go home. 281 00:10:34,041 --> 00:10:36,461 [INHALES] Maybe I will. But first, 282 00:10:37,295 --> 00:10:39,797 you're gonna have one drink with me, Sergeant. 283 00:10:39,881 --> 00:10:40,882 For old times' sake? 284 00:10:40,966 --> 00:10:42,927 One drink, and then we go. One drink. 285 00:10:44,221 --> 00:10:45,764 [MUSIC BLARING] 286 00:10:48,434 --> 00:10:51,438 My tolerance has really changed since I had kids! 287 00:10:53,732 --> 00:10:54,734 [BEEPS] 288 00:10:57,862 --> 00:10:58,864 [CLEARS THROAT] 289 00:11:00,074 --> 00:11:03,370 [CHUCKLES] Hey, Captain. I was looking for you inside. 290 00:11:03,954 --> 00:11:07,124 One thing I won't do is fart in church. This is God's house. 291 00:11:07,583 --> 00:11:08,584 Oh. 292 00:11:09,503 --> 00:11:10,504 Respectful. 293 00:11:11,088 --> 00:11:14,884 So listen, remember when you said to me that I have to dump Santiago 294 00:11:14,968 --> 00:11:17,053 or else you're gonna bust me down to beat cop? 295 00:11:17,137 --> 00:11:19,514 What I remember, Jake, is you pretending to be my bro 296 00:11:19,598 --> 00:11:21,748 and me being like, "I'm onto you, dillweed." 297 00:11:21,851 --> 00:11:23,186 [BAGPIPES BLARING] 298 00:11:25,231 --> 00:11:26,815 -Oh, uh… -[BAGPIPES -STOP] 299 00:11:26,899 --> 00:11:28,443 Sorry, could you say that one more time? 300 00:11:28,527 --> 00:11:29,903 I couldn't hear you over the bagpipes. 301 00:11:29,987 --> 00:11:32,365 -[BAGPIPES BLARING] -Ugh! 302 00:11:32,865 --> 00:11:34,910 One second. Excuse me, could you stop playing that? 303 00:11:34,994 --> 00:11:36,453 Just trying to have a conversation. 304 00:11:36,537 --> 00:11:37,913 I'm warming up, man. Sorry. 305 00:11:37,997 --> 00:11:39,624 Yeah, I know. We just need two minutes. 306 00:11:39,708 --> 00:11:42,628 No can do. The funeral's about to start. 307 00:11:42,712 --> 00:11:44,087 Everyone wants to hear me honk, so… 308 00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:45,339 Do you really need to warm up, though? 309 00:11:45,423 --> 00:11:47,592 I mean, you're just gonna make a terrible wall of sound. 310 00:11:47,676 --> 00:11:49,553 First of all, that's offensive to me as half-Scottish. 311 00:11:49,637 --> 00:11:52,015 Second of all, you think you could do better? 312 00:11:53,392 --> 00:11:54,601 Blow my bag. 313 00:11:54,685 --> 00:11:57,063 Look, we just need a couple of minutes to chat. That's it. 314 00:11:57,147 --> 00:11:58,648 I'm not gonna stop playing until you blow it. 315 00:11:58,732 --> 00:12:01,032 All right, just give it to me. All right? Yeah. 316 00:12:01,819 --> 00:12:03,445 Prepare to hear me play the bagpipes perfectly. 317 00:12:03,529 --> 00:12:04,573 Okay. 318 00:12:04,906 --> 00:12:06,575 [BAGPIPES WAILING] 319 00:12:07,075 --> 00:12:08,077 Oh, my God. 320 00:12:08,161 --> 00:12:09,411 Point proven. 321 00:12:09,495 --> 00:12:11,331 Yeah, I think I've heard just about enough of this catfight. 322 00:12:11,415 --> 00:12:12,415 I'm out. 323 00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,251 Wait, Captain! Sir! 324 00:12:15,211 --> 00:12:17,797 [CHUCKLES] Your boyfriend, sorry, uh, your ex-boyfriend 325 00:12:17,881 --> 00:12:18,882 is pathetic. 326 00:12:18,966 --> 00:12:21,416 You should be glad that I ordered him to dump you. 327 00:12:21,969 --> 00:12:23,930 Swish, Kobe. 328 00:12:26,059 --> 00:12:27,059 [CELL PHONE BEEPS] 329 00:12:27,143 --> 00:12:28,310 Got it. 330 00:12:28,394 --> 00:12:30,230 Yes! You're amazing! 331 00:12:31,398 --> 00:12:32,608 [BAGPIPES WAILING] 332 00:12:35,945 --> 00:12:37,445 That was We Are the Champions. 333 00:12:38,616 --> 00:12:39,916 [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS] 334 00:12:40,285 --> 00:12:42,287 Ugh. It's impossible to find Garmin with everybody mourning 335 00:12:42,371 --> 00:12:43,455 all over the place. 336 00:12:43,705 --> 00:12:45,291 It's like they have no respect for our sneaky plans. 337 00:12:45,375 --> 00:12:48,420 [SIGHS] I know. Oh, look, there he is. 338 00:12:48,504 --> 00:12:49,713 Oh, great. [CLEARS THROAT] 339 00:12:49,797 --> 00:12:50,964 Hi there. 340 00:12:51,048 --> 00:12:54,218 Sorry, this area is reserved for close personal friends of the deceased. 341 00:12:54,302 --> 00:12:57,389 Uh, well, that is us. Dozerman and I were pretty much besties. 342 00:12:57,473 --> 00:12:59,017 Went on an annual fishing trip together. 343 00:12:59,101 --> 00:13:01,019 Cayuga Lake, caught a lot of Coho salmon. 344 00:13:01,103 --> 00:13:03,564 We are both so bummed that he's dead. 345 00:13:03,648 --> 00:13:05,274 Super-bummed. Yeah. 346 00:13:05,358 --> 00:13:07,319 Oh. Right on. Come in. 347 00:13:07,403 --> 00:13:08,403 Thanks. 348 00:13:08,487 --> 00:13:10,239 Blessings to you. 349 00:13:10,323 --> 00:13:12,742 Blessings? Ugh. I don't know. It's my first time in a church. 350 00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:13,827 All right, how did you do that? 351 00:13:13,911 --> 00:13:15,162 Simple detective work. 352 00:13:15,246 --> 00:13:16,998 There was a floral arrangement up front with a picture 353 00:13:17,082 --> 00:13:19,208 of Dozerman and 30 of his friends holding a big fish. 354 00:13:19,292 --> 00:13:21,086 Cayuga Lake I pulled straight from the guest book. 355 00:13:21,170 --> 00:13:22,504 And Coho salmon? 356 00:13:22,588 --> 00:13:24,966 Well, that's just something I know about from being a man of the world. 357 00:13:25,050 --> 00:13:26,801 Our special today is Coho salmon on a… 358 00:13:26,885 --> 00:13:29,388 Sounds disgusting. Do you have chicken fingers? 359 00:13:29,472 --> 00:13:30,849 Impressed? Mmm-hmm. 360 00:13:31,015 --> 00:13:32,392 And horrified by your eating habits. 361 00:13:32,476 --> 00:13:35,146 Well, if I'm so unhealthy, how come I never go to the bathroom? 362 00:13:35,230 --> 00:13:36,272 [LAUGHS] 363 00:13:36,356 --> 00:13:38,275 Okay, let's get to Garmin. Yeah. 364 00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:42,947 Hi, I'm Margaret Dozerman. How did you know my husband? 365 00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:45,784 Oh, Mrs. Dozerman, your husband was a great man. 366 00:13:45,869 --> 00:13:49,163 Some of my fondest memories of him were on our fishing trips. 367 00:13:49,247 --> 00:13:51,166 You went on those trips? I did, indeed. 368 00:13:51,250 --> 00:13:53,336 They called me "the Coho King." 369 00:13:53,837 --> 00:13:55,922 Pretty much single-handedly organized those things myself. 370 00:13:56,006 --> 00:13:58,556 So you were the one who brought all the prostitutes? 371 00:13:59,385 --> 00:14:01,221 [CLICKS TONGUE] Uh… 372 00:14:03,015 --> 00:14:04,642 BOYLE: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Can we slow down? 373 00:14:04,726 --> 00:14:05,935 Why? Are you not into this? 374 00:14:06,019 --> 00:14:07,020 No, no, no. 375 00:14:07,395 --> 00:14:09,356 My friends are just in my head. 376 00:14:09,648 --> 00:14:10,649 They think it's weird 377 00:14:10,733 --> 00:14:12,485 that we don't know anything about each other. 378 00:14:12,569 --> 00:14:14,153 Hmm, I think it's hot. 379 00:14:14,237 --> 00:14:17,637 Totally, I'm glad we're not interested in each other as human beings. 380 00:14:18,117 --> 00:14:19,160 [CHUCKLES] 381 00:14:19,244 --> 00:14:22,415 Oh, how about if you tell me things about yourself, 382 00:14:22,499 --> 00:14:24,959 and then I tell you how little I care about them? 383 00:14:25,043 --> 00:14:26,670 Okay. 384 00:14:26,962 --> 00:14:29,674 Okay, here goes. I'm an only child. 385 00:14:29,758 --> 00:14:31,509 Not interested. I was born in Delaware. 386 00:14:31,593 --> 00:14:32,677 Who even asked you? 387 00:14:32,761 --> 00:14:34,179 I like this. 388 00:14:34,263 --> 00:14:36,098 I don't care what you like. 389 00:14:36,432 --> 00:14:37,434 Mmm. 390 00:14:38,435 --> 00:14:40,855 But maybe you could tell me one more thing. 391 00:14:40,939 --> 00:14:42,731 [SHOUTS] She's a vegan! 392 00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:44,317 What is going on? 393 00:14:44,401 --> 00:14:46,027 You're right. I couldn't help myself. 394 00:14:46,111 --> 00:14:48,781 I wanted to know about her. And I got what I deserved. 395 00:14:48,865 --> 00:14:52,286 A vegan, a gluten-free vegan! 396 00:14:52,370 --> 00:14:54,246 Charles, you need to calm down. 397 00:14:54,330 --> 00:14:56,040 BOYLE: No. You called it, Rosa. 398 00:14:56,124 --> 00:15:00,045 So go ahead. Laugh at me! Laugh! Laugh it up! 399 00:15:00,129 --> 00:15:01,965 Can I wait till after the funeral? 400 00:15:02,508 --> 00:15:03,592 GUEST: Shh! 401 00:15:05,219 --> 00:15:06,669 [WHISPERS] Of course you can. 402 00:15:07,806 --> 00:15:09,892 JEFFORDS: Sir, my life stinks. 403 00:15:09,976 --> 00:15:12,019 Sharon's on bed rest. 404 00:15:12,103 --> 00:15:15,231 My favorite mango yogurt got discontinued. 405 00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:19,445 And my kids think their preschool teacher's a stupid face. 406 00:15:20,446 --> 00:15:23,950 Everyone I work with is a stupid face. 407 00:15:24,034 --> 00:15:25,745 Especially Bryce. 408 00:15:25,829 --> 00:15:28,999 Sir? Sir? Sir? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? 409 00:15:29,083 --> 00:15:30,167 Can I be honest? 410 00:15:31,335 --> 00:15:34,756 Precinct's not the same without you. The Vulture's the worst. 411 00:15:34,840 --> 00:15:36,550 My mango yogurt… 412 00:15:36,634 --> 00:15:39,387 Yes, you already mentioned the yogurt. 'Cause it's important! 413 00:15:39,471 --> 00:15:42,725 When I saw you in the office this morning, 414 00:15:42,809 --> 00:15:45,102 I wanted to give you the biggest hug. 415 00:15:45,186 --> 00:15:47,940 But the Vulture told you not to, and you had to listen. 416 00:15:48,024 --> 00:15:49,441 He's your captain now, Terry. 417 00:15:49,525 --> 00:15:51,575 I hate going to work and you're not there. 418 00:15:52,654 --> 00:15:54,032 Everything is garbage. 419 00:15:55,199 --> 00:15:57,286 [SCOFFS] Everything is garbage. 420 00:15:58,370 --> 00:16:00,370 I should put that in my message of hope. 421 00:16:01,124 --> 00:16:02,709 That's a really good idea! 422 00:16:03,501 --> 00:16:06,046 It took my husband and me years of counseling 423 00:16:06,130 --> 00:16:08,174 to get over those little backwood orgies of yours. 424 00:16:08,258 --> 00:16:10,134 He had sex with five prostitutes in one weekend. 425 00:16:10,218 --> 00:16:12,888 Ugh! That's bananas! I had no idea. 426 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:13,973 I was probably too busy praying. 427 00:16:14,057 --> 00:16:15,475 You said you planned the trips. 428 00:16:15,559 --> 00:16:17,519 Yeah, I did say that. Called yourself the Coho King. 429 00:16:17,603 --> 00:16:19,564 [GROANS] All right, look. 430 00:16:20,190 --> 00:16:22,441 I'm not the Coho King. My name is Jake. 431 00:16:22,525 --> 00:16:24,236 And your husband was only my captain for, like, a day. 432 00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:25,696 Wait a second. 433 00:16:25,780 --> 00:16:28,784 Are you the Jake that killed him? 434 00:16:29,910 --> 00:16:32,955 No, I'm Prostitute Jake. I love prostitutes. 435 00:16:33,039 --> 00:16:35,083 You need to go. You should leave right now. 436 00:16:35,167 --> 00:16:36,209 You need to leave right now. 437 00:16:36,293 --> 00:16:37,503 It's okay, Margaret. Come on. 438 00:16:37,587 --> 00:16:39,880 Oh, Chief Garmin, wait, I just… 439 00:16:39,964 --> 00:16:42,314 Need to play you one quick recording of my boss. 440 00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:43,844 [SIGHS] 441 00:16:43,928 --> 00:16:46,264 You recorded me? That's not cool, Jake. 442 00:16:46,390 --> 00:16:48,225 Well, we were just taking a page out of your book. 443 00:16:48,309 --> 00:16:49,518 Yeah? What are you gonna do next, huh? 444 00:16:49,602 --> 00:16:51,395 Are you gonna start wearing leather bracelets, hmm? 445 00:16:51,479 --> 00:16:53,148 Good luck pulling off that chunky-B 446 00:16:53,232 --> 00:16:54,816 with those skinny little girl wrists of yours. 447 00:16:54,900 --> 00:16:57,278 Congratulations. You're no longer a detective. 448 00:16:57,696 --> 00:16:58,905 You're a beat cop again. 449 00:16:59,281 --> 00:17:02,535 I just crushed your dreams. [CLICKS TONGUE] 450 00:17:03,620 --> 00:17:04,663 Oh. 451 00:17:06,164 --> 00:17:08,042 Okay, I know things seem really bad right now, 452 00:17:08,126 --> 00:17:09,627 but we just need a minute to think. 453 00:17:09,711 --> 00:17:11,311 [BAGPIPES PLAYING "AMAZING GRACE"] 454 00:17:12,631 --> 00:17:13,716 Come on, man! 455 00:17:18,013 --> 00:17:20,432 Okay, so the Vulture has your phone. 456 00:17:20,516 --> 00:17:21,601 But new plan… 457 00:17:21,685 --> 00:17:24,562 Jake, we've had lots of plans, and none of them have worked. 458 00:17:24,646 --> 00:17:25,898 Yeah, but this is a good one. 459 00:17:25,982 --> 00:17:27,900 The new plan is no plan. 460 00:17:27,984 --> 00:17:29,235 We wing it! 461 00:17:29,319 --> 00:17:31,446 Probably won't work, but I said it with a lot of confidence. 462 00:17:31,530 --> 00:17:32,573 Jake, you got demoted. 463 00:17:32,657 --> 00:17:34,533 We said this relationship wasn't gonna get in the way 464 00:17:34,617 --> 00:17:36,244 of our careers, and it has. 465 00:17:36,328 --> 00:17:38,038 So what? We'll figure it out. 466 00:17:38,122 --> 00:17:39,624 I'll make my way back to detective. 467 00:17:39,708 --> 00:17:41,209 Or maybe you won't. 468 00:17:41,293 --> 00:17:43,212 I'm not gonna let you throw away your dream job. 469 00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:44,755 Amy, this is good. 470 00:17:44,839 --> 00:17:47,008 This is a six-day relationship. 471 00:17:47,092 --> 00:17:48,426 -We don't know what it is. -[FEEDBACK ON MICROPHONE] 472 00:17:48,510 --> 00:17:51,222 [SIGHS] And now for a message of hope. 473 00:17:51,306 --> 00:17:53,099 Ah, a message of hope, right on time. 474 00:17:53,183 --> 00:17:55,018 Everything is garbage. 475 00:17:55,102 --> 00:17:56,103 Oh, no. 476 00:17:56,187 --> 00:17:58,981 You find something you care about, and it's taken from you. 477 00:17:59,065 --> 00:18:01,861 Your colleague, your dream job, 478 00:18:03,196 --> 00:18:05,157 -your mango yogurt. -Whoo! 479 00:18:05,365 --> 00:18:08,160 Never love 480 00:18:08,787 --> 00:18:09,829 anything. 481 00:18:12,124 --> 00:18:13,792 That's the lesson. 482 00:18:13,876 --> 00:18:15,127 To Captain Dozerman. 483 00:18:15,211 --> 00:18:16,629 ALL: To Captain Dozerman. 484 00:18:16,713 --> 00:18:19,800 Thank you, sir. I'll take it from here. Very poetic. 485 00:18:19,884 --> 00:18:22,804 If I might offer a counter-toast of sorts. 486 00:18:23,597 --> 00:18:27,309 Captain Dozerman and I, we weren't together for very long. 487 00:18:27,393 --> 00:18:31,065 In fact, as coworkers, our relationship was only six days. 488 00:18:31,982 --> 00:18:33,442 But that's not nothing. 489 00:18:33,526 --> 00:18:36,487 It was long enough for me to know that we had something special. 490 00:18:36,571 --> 00:18:38,615 And sure, there may be obstacles. 491 00:18:38,699 --> 00:18:41,160 Him having passed away, for example. 492 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:43,788 But I'm not giving up on us. 493 00:18:43,872 --> 00:18:45,572 And I don't care if I get demoted. 494 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,796 I just care about being with you. 495 00:18:51,090 --> 00:18:52,425 Captain Dozerman, 496 00:18:53,802 --> 00:18:57,014 an adult man who has passed into the nether world. 497 00:18:57,098 --> 00:19:00,102 JEFFORDS: Move over, Peralta! Move over! 498 00:19:01,603 --> 00:19:03,940 [SLURRING] And if I may do a third toast. 499 00:19:04,899 --> 00:19:08,362 It'll be focused primarily on the mango yogurt. 500 00:19:08,737 --> 00:19:09,987 [ALL GROANING, BOOING] 501 00:19:10,072 --> 00:19:13,159 Don't boo me! I lost something important, too, shoo. 502 00:19:14,829 --> 00:19:16,122 [SIGHS] 503 00:19:16,789 --> 00:19:18,750 Thought I might find you here. 504 00:19:18,834 --> 00:19:21,002 So, not a big fan of my speech, huh? 505 00:19:21,086 --> 00:19:25,383 No, I loved it. I mean, I wish it hadn't been at a wake. 506 00:19:25,467 --> 00:19:27,844 And I wish you hadn't kept referring to me as your dead boss. 507 00:19:27,928 --> 00:19:29,388 Yeah, it pretty much sucked butt 508 00:19:29,472 --> 00:19:31,808 but still was somehow the best of the three toasts. 509 00:19:31,892 --> 00:19:33,977 Mmm. Look, I don't want to break up, 510 00:19:34,061 --> 00:19:35,312 but I don't want to get demoted either. 511 00:19:35,396 --> 00:19:37,273 I just don't know what to do. 512 00:19:37,357 --> 00:19:38,650 I'm all out of plans. 513 00:19:38,734 --> 00:19:42,321 I have one. Holt saves your ass. 514 00:19:42,405 --> 00:19:43,406 Captain. 515 00:19:43,490 --> 00:19:44,908 I was moved by your speech, Peralta. 516 00:19:44,992 --> 00:19:46,284 Thank you, sir. That's very nice of you to say. 517 00:19:46,368 --> 00:19:48,120 The syntax was problematic. Less nice. 518 00:19:48,204 --> 00:19:50,916 And your vocabulary is a true indictment of the public school system. 519 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,334 Seems like you're just slamming me now. 520 00:19:52,418 --> 00:19:54,379 But the fact that you're not willing to give up 521 00:19:54,463 --> 00:19:56,673 in the face of adversity is inspiring. 522 00:19:56,798 --> 00:19:58,092 I love the Nine-Nine, 523 00:19:58,176 --> 00:20:00,094 and I'm not gonna turn my back on the squad. 524 00:20:00,178 --> 00:20:01,930 So I fixed your problem with the Vulture. 525 00:20:02,014 --> 00:20:04,516 Really? I may just be a guy in PR, 526 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,061 but what does the Vulture love more than anything? 527 00:20:07,145 --> 00:20:08,145 Garbage Pail Kids? 528 00:20:08,229 --> 00:20:09,607 No. Publicity. 529 00:20:10,191 --> 00:20:11,608 Captain Pembroke, how would you like your face 530 00:20:11,692 --> 00:20:13,028 on the NYPD website? 531 00:20:13,528 --> 00:20:16,115 Really? Yes! Yes! 532 00:20:16,199 --> 00:20:17,575 In exchange for media attention, 533 00:20:17,659 --> 00:20:18,868 the Vulture will not bust you down 534 00:20:18,952 --> 00:20:20,495 or stand in the way of you two dating. 535 00:20:20,579 --> 00:20:22,163 Sir, I don't know how to thank you. 536 00:20:22,247 --> 00:20:24,626 Anything for the Nine-Nine. 537 00:20:24,834 --> 00:20:26,460 Thank you, sir. 538 00:20:26,544 --> 00:20:28,547 [WHISPERS] He totally approves of us. 539 00:20:29,340 --> 00:20:31,050 What you doing there, Boyle? 540 00:20:31,134 --> 00:20:34,305 Trying to get drunk enough to have sexual intercourse with a vegan. 541 00:20:34,389 --> 00:20:37,182 Oh, why can't I just think with my junk like a modern man? 542 00:20:37,266 --> 00:20:39,144 Why do you want to do that? [SIGHS] 543 00:20:39,228 --> 00:20:41,479 I got divorced, and I was crushed. 544 00:20:41,563 --> 00:20:43,482 My fiancée left. I cried for weeks. 545 00:20:43,566 --> 00:20:46,403 My only relationship that wasn't totally devastating when it ended 546 00:20:46,487 --> 00:20:48,322 was my casual sex carnival with Gina. 547 00:20:48,406 --> 00:20:49,657 DIAZ: Yeah, okay, 548 00:20:49,741 --> 00:20:50,950 but which of those relationships 549 00:20:51,034 --> 00:20:52,912 made you happiest before it ended? 550 00:20:53,079 --> 00:20:55,372 [SIGHS] My marriage? Vivian? 551 00:20:55,456 --> 00:20:57,334 Yeah, because you connected with them emotionally, 552 00:20:57,418 --> 00:20:59,294 something we did not do 553 00:20:59,378 --> 00:21:01,213 because I'm a higher level of being, 554 00:21:01,297 --> 00:21:02,840 like Her from the movie Her. 555 00:21:02,924 --> 00:21:05,260 Mmm. Dude, you can't go through life trying not to get hurt. 556 00:21:05,344 --> 00:21:06,720 You should try to be happy. 557 00:21:06,804 --> 00:21:08,890 So you think I should look for someone 558 00:21:08,974 --> 00:21:10,600 I can have emotional intercourse with. 559 00:21:10,684 --> 00:21:12,519 Oh, I wish you hadn't said it like that, but yeah. 560 00:21:12,603 --> 00:21:14,146 I should start right here at this funeral. 561 00:21:14,230 --> 00:21:15,315 I'd probably wait. 562 00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:16,524 Nope, no time to lose. 563 00:21:16,608 --> 00:21:17,859 Put on your sunglasses. 564 00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:19,445 I need to see if there's anything in my teeth. 565 00:21:19,529 --> 00:21:20,530 Ugh. 566 00:21:23,284 --> 00:21:24,285 Oh, yeah. 567 00:21:25,662 --> 00:21:28,123 Charles Boyle is ready for love. 568 00:21:30,168 --> 00:21:32,253 Well, never wearing these again.